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>> I'm carter hawkins.
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00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:07,958
The topic -- presidential
Campaign.
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Supervillain killface versus
Billionaire tycoon xander crews.
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Joining me, news lady grace ryan
And suspiciously handsome
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Political commentator
Harper ellis.
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Grace, harper, welcome to
"The hawk."
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>> thank you.
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>> democratic nominee killface,
Harper?
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>> you got to love this guy.
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Cured global warming, rescued
Baby lamont, has hip-hop
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Megastar taqu'il on the ticket.
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00:00:29,083 --> 00:00:31,625
>> republican nominee
Billionaire tycoon xander crews,
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Grace ryan.
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>> well, he's just fantastic.
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>> he has no experience
Whatsoever.
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>> he's also a billionaire.
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>> richest candidate always
Wins.
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00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:40,583
Harper?
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>> unfortunately, that's often
The case, but with global
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00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:45,667
Warming --
>> mr. Ford via satellite.
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American voters -- what do they
Want?
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>> mr. Ford: really, all america
Wants is cold beer, warm [bleep]
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And someplace to take a [bleep]
With a door on it.
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>> up next --
>> you don't want the dog
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Looking at you.
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>> immigration -- why not have a
Massive pedestrian overpass to
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Canada?
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00:01:06,125 --> 00:01:09,125
>> xander: man, I was gonna do a
Pedestrian overpass to canada.
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I was gonna call it "The spic
Span."
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>> and I think it's a fantastic
Idea.
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>> xander: see, stan, you get
Me.
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>> a good quality in a running
Mate.
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>> xander: I am glad you brought
That up, 'cause I need somebody
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Who gets me, and also somebody
Who's a fighter, stan -- just a
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Tenacious smashing bastard.
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>> yep.
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>> xander: he may be a little
Older, may be a little balder,
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But he's still the only player
In nfl history to get two
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Safeties in a single game.
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>> I'm sorry?
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>> xander: yes, stan -- two-time
Pro bowler fred dryer.
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>> you mean tv's hunter?
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>> xander: [ gasps ]
He was hunter?
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Oh, my god!
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00:01:55,917 --> 00:01:57,292
Ashley!
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I have a new secretary, 'cause
Turns out simone died.
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00:02:02,917 --> 00:02:07,083
[ engine runs ]
[ beeping ]
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Ashley!
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00:02:08,083 --> 00:02:09,583
>> I had to chase after him.
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00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:10,625
>> xander: ashley!
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>> yeah?
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>> xander: get me fred dryer on
The phone.
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00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,667
>> like, the guy from "Hunter"?
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00:02:15,750 --> 00:02:19,000
>> xander: how does everybody
Know this?
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Yes!
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00:02:20,042 --> 00:02:21,708
Is this just like common
Knowledge?
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00:02:21,792 --> 00:02:24,000
Also, get me every episode of
"Hunter."
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>> like, on dvd?
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00:02:24,875 --> 00:02:26,542
>> xander: format doesn't
Matter!
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00:02:26,625 --> 00:02:30,125
But if it's any other format,
I'm gonna need the machine that
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Plays it.
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00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:34,625
Just give me two of every
Machine that ever played video,
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And then the "Hunter."
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>> got it.
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00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:39,917
>> xander: and then format won't
Matter.
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>> should I call him fir-
[ beep ]
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Tv's hunter!
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God, it's like finding out jesus
Knew karate.
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Imagine that, stan -- karate
Jesus.
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>> can I at least be campaign
Manager?
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>> yeah, if fred dryer says it's
Okay.
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♪ dee dee mccall
Okay, so, go get me a prosthetic
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00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:00,417
Ear.
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00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:01,833
Also, go get me a campaign jet.
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00:03:01,917 --> 00:03:03,750
>> wouldn't you rather have a
Bus?
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00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:04,917
>> xander: a bus?
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Stan, I'm the republican
Candidate for president, not the
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Old black lady that comes to
Clean your house,
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Whatever those are called.
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00:03:16,125 --> 00:03:18,625
>> wendell, you've outdone
Yourself.
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>> well, now I know how
Diego rivera must have felt when
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He was banging frida kahlo.
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Bagging the unibrow.
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00:03:26,042 --> 00:03:29,542
>> killface: I just...
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Can't believe it was $9,000.
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00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:34,125
>> well, there's hidden fees,
You know.
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Title transfer, plus having the
Tags.
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[ clanking ]
>> killface: I thought it would
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00:03:44,667 --> 00:03:45,417
Have cost more.
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00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,250
>> oh, well, then, never mind my
Excuse.
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00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:49,500
>> killface: wait, is that blood
Down there?
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00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:53,792
>> no, I...Think that is
Hydraulic fluid.
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>> killface: well, even so, it's
A steal at twice the price.
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So, if there's a few bucks left
Over, you know, go get something
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00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:02,167
Nice.
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00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:05,958
>> yeah, hey, I'd like a $9,000
Prostitute, please.
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Oh.
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00:04:06,625 --> 00:04:08,208
Do you have nine $1,000 ones?
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00:04:08,292 --> 00:04:09,125
Yeah? Good.
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00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:12,750
And if you got an albino, send
Her up, too.
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And in 20 minutes, I'm gonna be
Asleep, so get them up here.
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I had, like, half a bottle of
Melatonin, six beers, this whole
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[bleep] Bucket of chicken.
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00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:24,958
Oh, the sandman is coming.
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>> killface: oh, and it's got a
Little micro --
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Oh, my god, that's full size.
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>> it's the same model that's in
Your house.
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>> killface: that's 300 watts.
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>> 'cause you already got it
Dialed in for the vegeritos.
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>> killface: oh, I love them.
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Wendell, this is the greatest
Campaign vehicle in the history
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Of the --
[ rumbling ]
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Son of a whore!
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>> papa bear, get down!
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>> killface: hmm?
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Wendell, would you get off me?
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>> I got to shield you from the
Bullets.
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>> killface: I don't think that
Was the assassin.
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>> no, that wasn't me.
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00:04:56,167 --> 00:05:00,917
I'm more low-tech, high-concept,
I guess -- angel of death.
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00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:05,042
Rahh! [ laughs ]
>> okay.
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>> killface: oh, my god, did you
See that?
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Look, I was laying right there.
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It could have crushed me.
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>> first the tarantula, and now
This.
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>> killface: first the tarantula
And now this.
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You know?
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00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:17,833
>> maybe you should put the
Necklace back.
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Ever think of that?
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00:05:18,708 --> 00:05:20,167
>> killface: don't you have any
Leads?
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>> well, just these.
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I guess the assassin must have
Dropped them, which [sniffs]
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Actually might just be a red
Herring.
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00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:31,333
>> killface: you know --
>> oh, lighten up.
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00:05:31,417 --> 00:05:35,208
>> killface: I know, I know, but
I just can't stay mad at him.
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No, wendell, that explosion was
Caused by someone far more...
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Crappier.
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00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,750
>> xander: folks, welcome to air
President.
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That sonic boom was me blowing
Out the windows on my opponent's
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Bus, just like I'm gonna blow
Him out in the election.
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Ka-kow! Questions?
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Who's first?
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Grace ryan.
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00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,083
No, you're not first.
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Call on darcell for me.
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>> what?
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>> xander: waiting on you.
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>> that's pathetic.
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>> please don't do this.
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00:06:02,625 --> 00:06:04,417
>> xander: call on darcell.
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Do it.
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>> [ sighs ]
Darcell jones of team jaguar.
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00:06:07,958 --> 00:06:11,333
>> yes, darcell jones of team --
>> xander: hang on, darcell.
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I'm sorry.
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00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,583
You, grace, do the roar.
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00:06:13,667 --> 00:06:14,500
>> what?
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>> xander: roar like the team
Jaguar jaguar.
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>> [ sighs ]
Rar.
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>> xander: no!
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00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:22,125
Dammit, you're an apex predator.
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>> rahr!
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00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:23,542
>> xander: yeah!
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00:06:23,625 --> 00:06:26,500
That's how she sounds when I'm
Banging her.
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00:06:26,583 --> 00:06:29,083
[ laughter ]
Whoo-hoo!
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>> I know.
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I just can't stay mad at him.
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I'm gonna to have his babies.
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00:06:34,625 --> 00:06:36,333
>> uh, is that --
>> uh-huh.
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00:06:36,417 --> 00:06:38,333
>> shouldn't that be in a
Freezer?
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00:06:38,417 --> 00:06:41,333
>> sometimes I just like to hold
Them.
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>> fantastic.
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00:06:42,917 --> 00:06:45,167
>> killface: emergency strategy
Meeting.
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Everybody come in here and --
Oh.
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Guess we're all here.
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Well, first, we need more staff.
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And now that the perfidious
Xander crews is running against
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Us, we must have an airplane.
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>> an airplane?
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>> god, please don't make me
Kill again.
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00:06:59,708 --> 00:07:00,208
>> killface: hmm?
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>> what?
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>> we can't afford an airplane.
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00:07:02,125 --> 00:07:04,083
>> killface: well, maybe if
You'd lay off the
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00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:05,917
Platinum-infused highballs.
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00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:06,625
>> me?
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00:07:06,708 --> 00:07:08,667
What about those idiotic
T-shirts?
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00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:13,292
>> okay, hope you got your jock
On tight, because ta-da!
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>> killface: "Ming."
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00:07:14,625 --> 00:07:17,000
Ming, ming -- what am I looking
At?
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00:07:17,083 --> 00:07:18,333
>> oh, sorry.
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00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:19,542
>> killface: um...
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00:07:19,625 --> 00:07:22,000
>> "Kept us out of war...Ming."
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00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:23,000
Global warming.
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00:07:23,083 --> 00:07:24,750
>> killface: why is "Ming" on
The front?
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00:07:24,833 --> 00:07:26,625
>> no, it's not --
>> killface: there's a pocket
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00:07:26,708 --> 00:07:27,417
There, wendell.
197
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:28,333
>> oh, yeah. Crap.
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00:07:28,417 --> 00:07:30,333
>> killface: how much did that
Cost us?
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00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:33,375
>> not that much 'cause they had
A pretty decent price break
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00:07:33,458 --> 00:07:34,125
There.
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00:07:34,208 --> 00:07:35,458
>> killface: there where?
202
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:36,667
>> 36...Thousand.
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00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:38,125
>> killface: wendell!
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00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:39,375
>> and that pocket was free.
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00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:41,333
You know, you put your zoon in
There.
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00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:44,417
>> you couldn't pour pee out of
A boot if the directions were on
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00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:45,083
The heel.
208
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:47,042
>> woman, they had pricing
Tiers.
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00:07:47,125 --> 00:07:49,625
>> oh, go tell it to your albino
Whores.
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00:07:49,708 --> 00:07:52,083
>> I will not even dignify that
With a response.
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00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,542
>> killface: yeah, please don't.
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00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:54,750
>> can I say something?
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00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:56,583
>> killface: not if it's about
That.
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00:07:56,667 --> 00:07:58,792
>> how about we try to crews on
The issues?
215
00:07:58,875 --> 00:08:01,292
Like, did anybody read my
Position paper on education
216
00:08:01,375 --> 00:08:02,167
Reform?
217
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,125
>> oh, yeah.
218
00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:06,875
That thing's chock-full
Of...Reform.
219
00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:07,875
No, I didn't read it.
220
00:08:07,958 --> 00:08:09,417
>> look, we can win this
Election.
221
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,833
>> killface: how, giving out
Free bus rides?
222
00:08:11,917 --> 00:08:15,167
>> well, who wants to ride in
Some crappy, old bus with no
223
00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:15,792
Windows?
224
00:08:15,875 --> 00:08:16,417
>> me, me. Me.
225
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:17,667
>> oh, you just like trips.
226
00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:19,750
>> killface: oh, can you lay off
The bird?
227
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,042
He's the only reason we've
Gotten this far.
228
00:08:22,125 --> 00:08:24,583
>> crews cannot touch us on
Global warming.
229
00:08:24,667 --> 00:08:27,000
>> [ mumbling ]
>> killface: no, it's not on
230
00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:28,208
Backwards.
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00:08:28,042 --> 00:08:30,625
>> and you're forgetting his
Underlying weakness -- he's an
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00:08:30,708 --> 00:08:31,417
Idiot.
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00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:32,917
>> killface: he is an idiot.
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00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,000
I forgot about that.
235
00:08:34,083 --> 00:08:37,667
>> I mean, what's his position
On education reform, vouchers?
236
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,208
>> xander: hotter teachers.
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00:08:39,292 --> 00:08:43,125
'cause if the teachers are crazy
Smoking-ass hot, kids will study
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00:08:43,208 --> 00:08:43,833
More.
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00:08:43,917 --> 00:08:45,375
And plus we'll get them boob
Jobs.
240
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,708
>> who, the teachers?
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00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:50,208
>> xander: yeah, or high-school
Chicks, too, if they want them.
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00:08:50,042 --> 00:08:51,208
Or whoever.
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00:08:51,042 --> 00:08:53,542
You know, big, fat-ass, double
D's for everybody.
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00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:56,833
>> well, that's certainly --
>> xander: you could kind of use
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00:08:56,917 --> 00:08:57,750
A set.
246
00:08:57,833 --> 00:08:59,750
[ laughter ]
>> xander: hang on, gonna swing
247
00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:02,500
Around and blow out the windows
On killface's house.
248
00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:05,833
>> well, if we can't afford an
Airplane, why not just take away
249
00:09:05,917 --> 00:09:06,833
His?
250
00:09:06,917 --> 00:09:08,792
>> killface: and how do you
Propose we do that?
251
00:09:08,875 --> 00:09:11,458
>> well, I actually have some
Thoughts on that.
252
00:09:11,542 --> 00:09:14,167
>> xander: pedestrian overpass
To canada.
253
00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:17,042
This way, the mexicans walk
Right over us --
254
00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:20,500
[ rumbling ]
>> my god, a missile!
255
00:09:20,583 --> 00:09:22,458
We've been hit.
256
00:09:22,542 --> 00:09:24,625
>> ooh, nice shot!
257
00:09:24,708 --> 00:09:27,083
>> killface: take that,
You...Republican.
258
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:30,583
>> dammit, I thought we were
Gonna campaign on the issues!
259
00:09:30,667 --> 00:09:32,292
>> killface: oh, lighten up.
260
00:09:32,375 --> 00:09:35,125
>> [ mumbling ]
>> killface: no, you can have
261
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,042
One cupcake.
262
00:09:36,125 --> 00:09:38,958
>> xander: thanks for coming
Out, everybody.
263
00:09:39,042 --> 00:09:41,375
I got to jump out of this
Burning airplane.
264
00:09:41,458 --> 00:09:42,708
>> you have a parachute?
265
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:44,583
>> xander: yeah, built into my
Tux.
266
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:45,500
Also recycles urine.
267
00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:46,500
>> take me with you.
268
00:09:46,583 --> 00:09:48,958
>> xander: yeah, I can probably
Take one person.
269
00:09:49,042 --> 00:09:50,292
>> well, then, take me.
270
00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:51,375
>> xander: ooh!
271
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:52,333
>> ooh, what?
272
00:09:52,417 --> 00:09:54,958
>> xander: well, stan's campaign
Manager.
273
00:09:55,042 --> 00:09:56,208
>> ka-kow!
274
00:09:56,042 --> 00:09:58,583
>> if you leave me to burn to
Death in this airplane, we are
275
00:09:58,667 --> 00:09:59,792
Just finished.
276
00:09:59,875 --> 00:10:02,917
>> xander: well, we'll always
Have vegas.
277
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,167
>> that wasn't me!
278
00:10:04,250 --> 00:10:07,458
>> xander: oh, right.
279
00:10:07,542 --> 00:10:08,792
Okay.
280
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:12,125
>> you bastard!
281
00:10:12,708 --> 00:10:16,333
God, still can't stay mad at
Him!
282
00:10:16,417 --> 00:10:20,750
Ahhhhhhhh!
283
00:10:20,833 --> 00:10:23,208
>> uh [clears throat]
Thank you for picking me.
284
00:10:23,292 --> 00:10:26,125
>> xander: hey, don't get all
"Sophie's choice," man, you
285
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:27,042
Know?
286
00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:29,167
Think of all the sympathy coos
I'm gonna get.
287
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,042
"Oh, where's your girlfriend?"
"Oh, she burned to death."
288
00:10:32,125 --> 00:10:34,167
"Oh, my god, put your penis
In my vagina."
289
00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:36,042
I'm gonna be killing it, man.
290
00:10:36,125 --> 00:10:37,917
Ugh!
291
00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:43,042
[ sighs ]
You...
292
00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:47,792
You are like a bad penny.
21157
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