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2
00:00:06,494 --> 00:00:07,695
You're torching 2024.
3
00:00:07,762 --> 00:00:11,599
You got Sam Morril, Tim Dillon, Ms. Pat,
Mark Normand, Hannah Berner.
4
00:00:11,665 --> 00:00:12,533
Any predictions?
5
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,301
Ooh! Vicious roast!
6
00:00:15,636 --> 00:00:16,604
[smooches]
7
00:00:16,670 --> 00:00:17,538
Love you too.
8
00:00:18,072 --> 00:00:21,075
[audience gasps and laughs, applauds]
9
00:00:21,142 --> 00:00:25,079
-[lively music playing]
-[audience cheering]
10
00:00:25,146 --> 00:00:27,181
[man] What's up, everybody!
11
00:00:27,248 --> 00:00:30,518
I'm your bad boy for life, P. Diddy.
12
00:00:30,584 --> 00:00:33,387
Now, let's get this party started!
13
00:00:33,454 --> 00:00:37,158
Please welcome my bitch for tonight,
14
00:00:37,224 --> 00:00:39,760
the Roastmaster General,
15
00:00:39,827 --> 00:00:42,396
Jeff Ross!
16
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[crowd cheers]
17
00:00:44,532 --> 00:00:46,700
[music continues]
18
00:00:49,804 --> 00:00:51,906
Crappy old year!
19
00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:57,845
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Torching 2024!
20
00:00:57,912 --> 00:01:00,614
How 'bout a hand for
the Squid Game guards? Great job.
21
00:01:00,681 --> 00:01:03,150
[audience cheers]
22
00:01:03,217 --> 00:01:06,687
Am I racist if I say they all look alike,
those Squid Game guys?
23
00:01:09,256 --> 00:01:12,660
This is gonna be a wild night.
Oh, look at this!
24
00:01:12,726 --> 00:01:15,463
Dude, we got Diddy bartending,
he brought his lawyers with him.
25
00:01:15,529 --> 00:01:17,298
What's happening, fellas?
26
00:01:17,364 --> 00:01:18,466
Take a bow, guys.
27
00:01:18,532 --> 00:01:20,568
[mixed applause and booing]
28
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:21,669
This is great.
29
00:01:22,603 --> 00:01:24,705
Got him on bail for the night, huh?
30
00:01:25,539 --> 00:01:28,342
Maybe it's time to change
Diddy's name to Definitely.
31
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[comic sting on drums]
32
00:01:30,644 --> 00:01:34,548
Yes, we're gonna roast
all the big moments and trends of 2024.
33
00:01:34,615 --> 00:01:37,952
Uh, Diddy, can I get
a, uh, baby oil on the rocks?
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Thank you.
35
00:01:39,587 --> 00:01:40,855
Hey, Diddy, if you're here,
36
00:01:40,921 --> 00:01:44,391
who's getting strangled in your cell
while the cameras malfunction?
37
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[audience groans, laughs]
38
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Too soon?
39
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Not on this show. [laughs]
40
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Aliens over New Jersey,
Diddy's in trouble,
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big year for anal probes.
42
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[amused groans]
43
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[Ross laughs]
44
00:02:00,141 --> 00:02:02,409
This is cool, man. What a year.
45
00:02:02,476 --> 00:02:04,445
What a fucking year.
46
00:02:04,512 --> 00:02:06,013
-So--
-[audience cheers]
47
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,849
Gonna be incredible.
So many twists and turns.
48
00:02:09,750 --> 00:02:13,654
Turns out the election wasn't fixed,
but the boxing match was.
49
00:02:13,721 --> 00:02:14,955
[comic sting]
50
00:02:15,022 --> 00:02:17,057
Which reminds me,
if you're just tuning in,
51
00:02:17,124 --> 00:02:19,393
Netflix is fine. It's not buffering.
52
00:02:19,460 --> 00:02:20,761
I really look like this.
53
00:02:20,828 --> 00:02:23,564
[sympathetic sounds]
54
00:02:23,631 --> 00:02:27,868
I know I look like Bruce Willis
if his trainer also had dementia.
55
00:02:27,935 --> 00:02:30,371
-[amused groans, laughter]
-[bass plays descending notes]
56
00:02:31,205 --> 00:02:33,541
I look like the kind of guy
who watches Squid Game
57
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hoping it's about calamari.
58
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[comic sting]
59
00:02:37,845 --> 00:02:38,679
Thank you.
60
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:43,784
My fellow Americans,
yes, we remain a divided nation.
61
00:02:43,851 --> 00:02:48,189
But I think we can all agree on one thing,
the silver lining of the election,
62
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is that Ellen DeGeneres left the country.
63
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[laughter, cheering]
64
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Let the healing begin.
65
00:02:58,199 --> 00:03:00,467
Living in England's gonna be
kind of confusing for Ellen,
66
00:03:00,534 --> 00:03:02,970
you know, 'cause they drive
on the other side of the road there,
67
00:03:03,037 --> 00:03:05,139
and they only call you a cunt
when they like you.
68
00:03:05,206 --> 00:03:06,373
[comic sting]
69
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,475
[gasps, cheering]
70
00:03:08,542 --> 00:03:09,777
[Ross] Yeah! [laughs]
71
00:03:10,344 --> 00:03:13,480
Big year in music.
Diplo, what the fuck, are you serious?
72
00:03:13,547 --> 00:03:16,150
-Diplo's here! What's going on, buddy?
-[audience cheers]
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This is so cool, all my friends are here.
74
00:03:18,953 --> 00:03:20,888
Simon… This is cool.
75
00:03:20,955 --> 00:03:23,591
Diplo, you're one of my favorite DJs.
76
00:03:23,657 --> 00:03:26,694
You know, Diplo's not short for "diploma",
I'll tell you that.
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-Nothing?
-[plays sliding note]
78
00:03:29,263 --> 00:03:30,798
-All right.
-[comic sting on drums]
79
00:03:31,365 --> 00:03:33,300
It was a big year for music.
80
00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:38,606
Shout out to Taylor Swift, who just ended
her billion-dollar Eras Tour.
81
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[cheers and applause]
82
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I went to the LA show. Did you go, Diplo?
83
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I went. It was amazing.
It was so emotional.
84
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,816
I even got my period for the first time.
85
00:03:50,985 --> 00:03:55,055
But for me, no moment encapsulated
the insanity of this year
86
00:03:55,122 --> 00:03:58,726
better than when Donald Trump worked
a drive-through window at McDonald's.
87
00:03:59,693 --> 00:04:03,130
Wow. Even Grimace was like,
"That guy's got a weird-shaped body."
88
00:04:05,966 --> 00:04:06,867
[Ross laughs]
89
00:04:07,501 --> 00:04:11,038
Yeah, but you gotta admit,
the biggest rise of the year
90
00:04:11,105 --> 00:04:12,906
has to be the Hawk Tuah Girl.
91
00:04:12,973 --> 00:04:14,642
[laughter, groans]
92
00:04:14,708 --> 00:04:16,243
Remember Hawk Tuah Girl? [laughs]
93
00:04:16,977 --> 00:04:19,179
it was a real gags-to-riches story.
94
00:04:21,482 --> 00:04:24,118
By the way, Haliey, Hawk Tuah,
if you're watching,
95
00:04:24,184 --> 00:04:26,487
humanity owes you a debt of gratitude.
96
00:04:26,553 --> 00:04:31,325
Your video made blowjobs so popular,
even the Yankees blew the World Series.
97
00:04:31,392 --> 00:04:33,294
[uproarious laughter]
98
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,395
[bass plays comical slide]
99
00:04:34,461 --> 00:04:36,163
[drums playing comic response]
100
00:04:36,230 --> 00:04:39,366
Ohtani! Ohtani!
101
00:04:39,433 --> 00:04:40,534
[crowd joins] Ohtani!
102
00:04:40,601 --> 00:04:43,304
Sure, Oppenheimer won
all the Oscars this year,
103
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,572
but Ohtani should've won best actor
104
00:04:45,639 --> 00:04:47,808
for pretending he didn't
bet against the Yankees.
105
00:04:50,511 --> 00:04:54,415
That's the nicest joke you're gonna hear
about Oppenheimer and a Japanese guy.
106
00:04:54,481 --> 00:04:56,483
[scandalized, amused groans and laughter]
107
00:04:56,550 --> 00:04:57,818
[audience member whoops]
108
00:04:57,885 --> 00:04:59,453
Definitely the wildest news of the year,
109
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,189
Elon Musk bought the United States.
110
00:05:03,457 --> 00:05:04,291
Wow!
111
00:05:05,359 --> 00:05:07,361
We are a fixer-upper, I guess.
112
00:05:07,961 --> 00:05:09,897
Now we're supposed to trust him
with the government
113
00:05:09,963 --> 00:05:13,367
even though the Cybertruck
got recalled six times this year.
114
00:05:13,867 --> 00:05:15,202
But hey, at least it's soundproof,
115
00:05:15,269 --> 00:05:17,504
which is great,
so when you pull out of your driveway,
116
00:05:17,571 --> 00:05:19,773
you can't hear
your own kids laughing at you.
117
00:05:21,275 --> 00:05:22,910
[Ross laughs]
118
00:05:22,976 --> 00:05:25,879
The Cybertruck doesn't come
with a spare tire, but
119
00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:28,215
apparently Elon does.
120
00:05:28,282 --> 00:05:29,183
[laughs]
121
00:05:30,684 --> 00:05:32,052
Look at that little belly.
122
00:05:32,119 --> 00:05:35,456
He wears those little t-shirts
that are too short for him.
123
00:05:35,522 --> 00:05:38,559
Forget Mars,
maybe he should explore a Planet Fitness.
124
00:05:39,493 --> 00:05:40,327
[chuckles]
125
00:05:41,195 --> 00:05:43,063
It's only ten dollars a month.
126
00:05:43,130 --> 00:05:44,665
[audience cheers]
127
00:05:45,299 --> 00:05:47,067
2024 was so crazy,
128
00:05:47,134 --> 00:05:48,869
Even Kanye went quiet.
129
00:05:49,937 --> 00:05:51,305
That's how you know things are bad,
130
00:05:51,372 --> 00:05:53,907
when Kanye's like,
"No, I'm gonna sit this one out."
131
00:05:54,908 --> 00:05:57,277
Yep, Kanye went to Japan,
132
00:05:57,344 --> 00:05:59,179
Beyoncé went country,
133
00:05:59,246 --> 00:06:01,615
and any chance of a One Direction reunion
134
00:06:01,682 --> 00:06:03,384
went straight out the window.
135
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:04,952
[audience groans, laughs uncomfortably]
136
00:06:05,018 --> 00:06:06,120
[drum plays womp-womp beats]
137
00:06:06,186 --> 00:06:08,122
-Yep.
-[audience still groans]
138
00:06:08,188 --> 00:06:10,057
Diplo, you're not involved in this beef
139
00:06:10,124 --> 00:06:12,326
between Drake and Kendrick at all,
are you?
140
00:06:12,393 --> 00:06:13,861
No, you don't want any of that shit.
141
00:06:14,428 --> 00:06:18,031
These two guys released
17 diss tracks back and forth
142
00:06:18,098 --> 00:06:19,867
insulting each other.
143
00:06:19,933 --> 00:06:22,703
Even Hamas is like, "Let it go already."
144
00:06:23,771 --> 00:06:26,507
"Jeez! Get a room, guys!"
145
00:06:27,674 --> 00:06:29,943
Call me sentimental,
but I miss old-school hip-hop
146
00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:32,012
when rappers would just shoot each other.
147
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:37,384
Poor Drake, he's the only Jew
who lost a war this year.
148
00:06:38,385 --> 00:06:39,987
[laughs]
149
00:06:40,554 --> 00:06:41,522
You liked that one?
150
00:06:42,022 --> 00:06:44,391
Of course we couldn't torch 2024
151
00:06:44,458 --> 00:06:47,094
without two of its breakout TV stars.
152
00:06:47,161 --> 00:06:49,730
Give it up for Erik and Lyle,
the Menendez brothers.
153
00:06:49,797 --> 00:06:51,799
[audience cheers]
154
00:06:51,865 --> 00:06:53,066
Great to see you guys.
155
00:06:53,133 --> 00:06:54,134
Thank you.
156
00:06:54,802 --> 00:06:56,570
How'd you get those killer seats?
157
00:06:58,605 --> 00:07:01,675
When you were driving here,
did you argue over who'd get shotgun?
158
00:07:03,710 --> 00:07:06,180
What a story.
Anybody watch that Netflix show
159
00:07:06,246 --> 00:07:07,781
on the Menendez brothers?
160
00:07:07,848 --> 00:07:09,383
-[scattered cheers]
-What a story.
161
00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:12,219
Too bad your lawyer couldn't do
what your dad did.
162
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:14,354
Get you off.
163
00:07:14,421 --> 00:07:16,723
[amused groans]
164
00:07:16,790 --> 00:07:19,326
Oh, you think that's bad?
Wait till this one.
165
00:07:21,929 --> 00:07:25,399
Menendez brothers,
I know your parents were ver… [laughs]
166
00:07:25,466 --> 00:07:26,300
[drum plays]
167
00:07:26,366 --> 00:07:28,502
I'm going to Hell for this one.
Maybe I shouldn't do it.
168
00:07:29,069 --> 00:07:30,037
[audience] Do it!
169
00:07:30,103 --> 00:07:33,407
Menendez brothers,
I know your parents were very religious,
170
00:07:33,474 --> 00:07:37,277
but thanks to you guys, they became
the two holiest people in Beverly Hills.
171
00:07:37,344 --> 00:07:40,080
-[groans and laughter]
-[drum plays]
172
00:07:40,147 --> 00:07:42,950
Hey, who else saw the Wicked movie?
I loved it so much.
173
00:07:43,016 --> 00:07:44,451
[audience cheers]
174
00:07:44,518 --> 00:07:47,254
Yeah. I enjoyed Wicked so much,
175
00:07:47,321 --> 00:07:48,856
I questioned if I was gay.
176
00:07:50,290 --> 00:07:51,758
Then I saw Gladiator II,
177
00:07:51,825 --> 00:07:53,560
and I knew I was gay.
178
00:07:56,797 --> 00:08:00,400
After Wicked, there were so many
women and gay guys crying in the lobby,
179
00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:02,769
I thought Trump won again. [laughs]
180
00:08:04,738 --> 00:08:07,341
[chuckles]
181
00:08:07,407 --> 00:08:08,942
This is fun.
182
00:08:09,910 --> 00:08:13,647
Oh yeah, look at this!
The star of the Summer Olympics is here.
183
00:08:13,714 --> 00:08:16,350
Give it up for
Australian breakdancer Raygun!
184
00:08:16,416 --> 00:08:17,351
Hi, Raygun!
185
00:08:17,417 --> 00:08:19,520
-[hip-hop music plays]
-What's up, what's up!
186
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,321
Whoo!
187
00:08:22,089 --> 00:08:22,956
Yeah!
188
00:08:24,758 --> 00:08:25,659
Hey!
189
00:08:26,426 --> 00:08:29,496
If your name's Raygun,
why do you dance like you're being tased?
190
00:08:29,563 --> 00:08:31,098
[drum plays comic sting]
191
00:08:34,768 --> 00:08:35,602
[music stops]
192
00:08:35,669 --> 00:08:40,274
A 2024 legend who got
the Olympic breakdancing canceled.
193
00:08:40,908 --> 00:08:44,811
Raygun, your moves were so bad,
when the Special Olympics saw them,
194
00:08:44,878 --> 00:08:47,714
they were like, "You know what?
It's okay to say the word 'retard' again."
195
00:08:47,781 --> 00:08:48,715
-[drum plays]
-[cackles]
196
00:08:48,782 --> 00:08:49,883
[music starts again]
197
00:08:49,950 --> 00:08:51,552
Raygun, everybody!
198
00:08:52,953 --> 00:08:56,056
Hannah Berner!
She'll be back in a little while.
199
00:08:56,857 --> 00:08:57,824
-Wow!
-[music stops]
200
00:08:58,325 --> 00:09:00,327
And I gotta say, I'm really honored.
201
00:09:00,394 --> 00:09:03,630
This is, uh, really incredible
that this person's here.
202
00:09:03,697 --> 00:09:05,399
Our current president,
203
00:09:05,465 --> 00:09:07,935
-Joe Biden's here. Mr. President.
-Hey, good to see you, America!
204
00:09:08,001 --> 00:09:09,836
-How you doing, America!
-Mr. President!
205
00:09:09,903 --> 00:09:12,172
How are we feeling? Happy early Kwanzaa!
206
00:09:12,239 --> 00:09:13,640
[Ross] Thank you for coming!
207
00:09:13,707 --> 00:09:15,342
How we doing? Yeah, doing good.
208
00:09:15,409 --> 00:09:16,810
I can't stay long, though, Jeff.
209
00:09:16,877 --> 00:09:18,278
I've got a big election coming up.
210
00:09:18,345 --> 00:09:20,314
-Come on!
-[Ross laughs]
211
00:09:21,248 --> 00:09:22,349
I beg your pardon?
212
00:09:22,916 --> 00:09:25,552
Sure, ain't no problem, how many you need?
I got pardons for days.
213
00:09:25,619 --> 00:09:28,922
You get a pardon,
you get a pardon, you get a pardon.
214
00:09:28,989 --> 00:09:29,890
Hey, you get a pardon.
215
00:09:29,957 --> 00:09:31,892
I'm gonna give Diplo a pardon
for those sunglasses.
216
00:09:31,959 --> 00:09:34,428
-There we go. Everybody gets a pardon.
-[Ross laughing]
217
00:09:34,494 --> 00:09:36,196
Hey, tell P. Daddy over there,
218
00:09:36,263 --> 00:09:38,932
if you go and make me a gin and tonic
with no funny business,
219
00:09:38,999 --> 00:09:40,100
I'll give you a pardon too.
220
00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:42,235
-[drums play comic sting]
-[Ross laughs]
221
00:09:42,803 --> 00:09:44,805
-Oh!
-[Ross] What else? What else?
222
00:09:44,871 --> 00:09:48,408
Holy dandruff, Jeff,
who's that hot lesbo playing drums?
223
00:09:49,042 --> 00:09:49,876
[Ross cackles]
224
00:09:49,943 --> 00:09:50,944
[Adam Ray as Biden] Oh!
225
00:09:51,011 --> 00:09:52,546
I'd love to sniff her head!
226
00:09:53,614 --> 00:09:57,618
That's our band leader for tonight,
the great John Stamos!
227
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:58,885
-[audience cheers]
-Yeah!
228
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,022
-Yeah!
-[Ray] Have mercy.
229
00:10:02,089 --> 00:10:04,992
Look at this guy!
Thank you for being here, John.
230
00:10:05,058 --> 00:10:08,128
You're amazing. You're-you're aging
like fine Greek yogurt.
231
00:10:09,763 --> 00:10:11,264
Hit it, baby!
232
00:10:11,331 --> 00:10:13,667
[playing ending]
233
00:10:15,902 --> 00:10:17,304
Whoo!
234
00:10:19,072 --> 00:10:21,074
Ladies and gentlemen,
235
00:10:21,975 --> 00:10:22,843
let…
236
00:10:24,011 --> 00:10:25,479
the torching…
237
00:10:25,545 --> 00:10:27,147
-[music stops]
-…begin!
238
00:10:27,214 --> 00:10:29,216
[crowd cheers, applauds]
239
00:10:30,884 --> 00:10:32,786
[band playing funky beat]
240
00:10:32,853 --> 00:10:35,288
Our roasters are backstage getting ready.
241
00:10:35,355 --> 00:10:38,358
They can hear you,
so make some noise, roast fans!
242
00:10:38,425 --> 00:10:40,560
[audience gets louder]
243
00:10:40,627 --> 00:10:41,862
Fuck yeah!
244
00:10:43,797 --> 00:10:47,067
First up are two of
the hottest solo acts in the game,
245
00:10:47,134 --> 00:10:49,136
but tonight, they're doing a double-team.
246
00:10:49,202 --> 00:10:52,005
Here they are, straight from a freak-off,
247
00:10:52,072 --> 00:10:54,074
to perform at our joke-off,
248
00:10:54,141 --> 00:10:58,645
my friends Sam Morril and Mark Normand!
249
00:11:03,283 --> 00:11:06,553
[both greeting audience]
250
00:11:08,789 --> 00:11:09,623
What's up?
251
00:11:11,158 --> 00:11:12,626
-Hey, hey!
-Oh my God, hey!
252
00:11:12,693 --> 00:11:14,528
-Comedy, huh?
-Hey.
253
00:11:14,594 --> 00:11:17,431
Jeff, you look amazing.
You look like the Great Gout-sby.
254
00:11:17,497 --> 00:11:19,366
[Ross laughs]
255
00:11:19,433 --> 00:11:22,836
[Normand] I know, Jesus.
Who wrote your jokes, FatGPT?
256
00:11:25,172 --> 00:11:27,374
You look a photo negative of Steve Harvey.
257
00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:33,280
Ah, Jeff, you're anti-vax
but you're provolone.
258
00:11:35,015 --> 00:11:36,516
Oh Diddy, help, help!
259
00:11:36,583 --> 00:11:38,518
[Morril] Jeff, you look like
a fat Jewish dictator.
260
00:11:38,585 --> 00:11:40,187
You're like NetanYoo-hoo.
261
00:11:41,588 --> 00:11:44,791
Guys! Take it easy. Mercy, guys, mercy.
262
00:11:44,858 --> 00:11:46,993
It's been a rough year.
I had cancer this year.
263
00:11:47,060 --> 00:11:48,128
-Oh jeez!
-Aw, shit.
264
00:11:48,195 --> 00:11:51,031
-Tomorrow's my last day of chemotherapy.
-[Morril] All right.
265
00:11:51,098 --> 00:11:53,166
-[Normand] All right, all right, okay!
-Thank you.
266
00:11:53,233 --> 00:11:54,634
-It's crazy.
-[Normand] Wow!
267
00:11:54,701 --> 00:11:56,403
I'm gonna be okay, don't worry about me.
268
00:11:56,470 --> 00:11:57,771
-All right.
-I'm gonna be okay.
269
00:11:57,838 --> 00:11:59,639
This is very cathartic. I love you guys.
270
00:11:59,706 --> 00:12:01,808
-[Morril] Love you, man.
-Hey, I'm glad you beat cancer
271
00:12:01,875 --> 00:12:03,543
'cause even cancer hates you as a host.
272
00:12:03,610 --> 00:12:04,678
[Ross laughs]
273
00:12:06,079 --> 00:12:08,215
Jeff, you're pretty fat
for a guy who beat cancer.
274
00:12:08,281 --> 00:12:09,683
You sure you didn't eat cancer?
275
00:12:12,486 --> 00:12:13,887
If Jeff were the McDonald's shooter,
276
00:12:13,954 --> 00:12:16,690
when he was leaving, he'd have said,
"Leave the gun, take the McFlurry."
277
00:12:19,559 --> 00:12:23,029
-We should do some Luigi jokes, right?
-Yes, do Luigi jokes!
278
00:12:23,663 --> 00:12:25,198
Luigi!
279
00:12:25,265 --> 00:12:29,269
Apparently on the shell casings,
the bullets said, "Delay, deny, defend."
280
00:12:29,336 --> 00:12:31,338
On Alec Baldwin's, they just said, "Oops."
281
00:12:33,373 --> 00:12:36,710
And hey, that Luigi, he's a hunky guy.
No homo… I mean,
282
00:12:36,777 --> 00:12:37,611
no HMO.
283
00:12:40,514 --> 00:12:42,783
Yeah, he got popped
by a McDonald's employee.
284
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:44,951
Should've gone to Popeyes,
they don't snitch.
285
00:12:46,586 --> 00:12:47,954
A McDonald's employee turned in
286
00:12:48,021 --> 00:12:51,091
shooter Luigi Mangione
in Altoona, Pennsylvania,
287
00:12:51,158 --> 00:12:52,125
when he became suspicious
288
00:12:52,192 --> 00:12:55,328
there was an attractive person
at McDonald's in Altoona, Pennsylvania.
289
00:12:55,395 --> 00:12:57,764
[Normand laughs]
290
00:12:57,831 --> 00:12:59,733
Hey, they say
he's going to jail for a long time.
291
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,335
But come on. Luigi?
He'll escape through the pipes.
292
00:13:03,136 --> 00:13:05,038
[guitar plays
Super Mario Bros. Underground Theme]
293
00:13:05,906 --> 00:13:08,108
Apparently he had back problems
and was pissed about it.
294
00:13:08,175 --> 00:13:11,311
I have back problems too. I think that's
the difference between Jews and Italians.
295
00:13:11,378 --> 00:13:13,747
We complain.
You guys actually do something about it.
296
00:13:15,515 --> 00:13:18,451
He was Italian.
He was so Italian, his gun was homemade.
297
00:13:20,253 --> 00:13:23,356
He was a professional shooter,
but his dad called him a "prosciutt".
298
00:13:25,058 --> 00:13:26,393
[Jeff cackles]
299
00:13:26,459 --> 00:13:28,295
That's true, but either way,
300
00:13:28,361 --> 00:13:29,930
he's still a better shooter than Bronny.
301
00:13:29,996 --> 00:13:32,265
[indignant groans, laughter]
302
00:13:32,332 --> 00:13:33,834
But look, I get the feeling, you know?
303
00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,635
I lost 20K on that Hawk Tuah coin.
304
00:13:35,702 --> 00:13:36,736
I wish he'd shoot her.
305
00:13:38,872 --> 00:13:41,208
But she's already
used to taking shots on the back.
306
00:13:42,576 --> 00:13:43,543
[loud tapping]
307
00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:45,545
-Oh jeez.
-[Normand laughing]
308
00:13:46,112 --> 00:13:47,581
Jeff dropped his butt plug.
309
00:13:47,647 --> 00:13:48,515
[both laugh]
310
00:13:50,684 --> 00:13:52,152
Hey, all right.
311
00:13:52,219 --> 00:13:53,687
Speaking of people going to jail soon,
312
00:13:53,753 --> 00:13:56,923
crazy of all the groups Diddy produced,
he wasn't involved with Boyz II Men.
313
00:13:59,226 --> 00:14:01,661
Hey, I read that entire indictment
from Jay to Z.
314
00:14:01,728 --> 00:14:02,696
[audience] Oh!
315
00:14:03,697 --> 00:14:04,531
Yeah.
316
00:14:07,601 --> 00:14:08,702
He was a great collaborator.
317
00:14:08,768 --> 00:14:10,370
R. Kelly did all his rapes himself.
318
00:14:10,437 --> 00:14:12,239
At least Diddy shared. Just sayin'.
319
00:14:13,907 --> 00:14:17,110
Ashton Kutcher and his wife are actually
moving to Europe to avoid Diddy drama.
320
00:14:17,177 --> 00:14:20,447
That is a bad sign when your wife asks
how close you were with Diddy and you go,
321
00:14:20,513 --> 00:14:21,514
"Let's leave the country."
322
00:14:24,117 --> 00:14:26,586
Diddy's about to feel like
one of his songs in prison, 'cause
323
00:14:26,653 --> 00:14:28,521
he's about to get sampled, all right?
324
00:14:30,891 --> 00:14:33,593
♪ Ain't nobody gonna hold me down ♪
325
00:14:33,660 --> 00:14:35,095
Oh, I think they will.
326
00:14:36,229 --> 00:14:37,931
Diddy's kids got handcuffed this year too.
327
00:14:37,998 --> 00:14:40,934
King and Justin, those are their names,
I think he favors one of them.
328
00:14:41,001 --> 00:14:42,102
But, uh…
329
00:14:42,769 --> 00:14:45,438
I wanna do that to my kids
just to ruin their childhoods.
330
00:14:45,505 --> 00:14:47,874
"These are my sons,
Big Dick Legend and Ralph."
331
00:14:50,277 --> 00:14:51,444
"I love them equally."
332
00:14:51,511 --> 00:14:52,712
[Normand laughs]
333
00:14:53,213 --> 00:14:55,749
All right, let's change gears.
How about that Taylor Swift, huh?
334
00:14:55,815 --> 00:14:57,017
Oh yeah, that, uh…
335
00:14:57,083 --> 00:14:59,286
That Eras Tour was huge.
Those stadiums were filled with
336
00:14:59,352 --> 00:15:01,888
more 13-year-old screaming girls
than a Diddy party.
337
00:15:03,223 --> 00:15:04,491
Taylor did so much this year.
338
00:15:04,557 --> 00:15:06,593
She's the hardest-working Taylor
in show business,
339
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,662
except for the person
who does Lizzo's outfits.
340
00:15:09,930 --> 00:15:11,998
Hey, Lizzo got canceled this year,
341
00:15:12,065 --> 00:15:13,233
but I stand behind her.
342
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:14,401
You just can't see me.
343
00:15:17,437 --> 00:15:18,571
[Morril] Let's lighten it up.
344
00:15:18,638 --> 00:15:19,806
Stephen Hawking.
345
00:15:20,307 --> 00:15:22,309
-So…
-[all laughing]
346
00:15:22,809 --> 00:15:24,644
The Epstein list was revealed this year,
347
00:15:24,711 --> 00:15:26,479
and some of the names were surprising.
348
00:15:26,546 --> 00:15:27,614
These are just allegations.
349
00:15:27,681 --> 00:15:30,450
Stephen Hawking was never charged,
except for when his battery ran low.
350
00:15:30,984 --> 00:15:32,385
[Normand laughs]
351
00:15:32,452 --> 00:15:35,021
That must suck for these kids.
Imagine being on Epstein's island.
352
00:15:35,088 --> 00:15:36,289
You already hate vegetables.
353
00:15:38,792 --> 00:15:40,126
Tough one. How do you punish a guy
354
00:15:40,193 --> 00:15:42,395
who's already spent
his entire life in an electric chair?
355
00:15:44,064 --> 00:15:47,100
Look, you know how hard that is in
his condition to get to Epstein's island?
356
00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:49,169
That is one horny paraplegic, huh?
357
00:15:49,235 --> 00:15:51,037
[Morril] Yeah.
He deserves a round of applause.
358
00:15:51,104 --> 00:15:53,106
-I agree. Yeah.
-Yeah!
359
00:15:53,173 --> 00:15:55,008
-[Normand] Come on!
-Yeah.
360
00:15:55,075 --> 00:15:56,843
This guy loves vagina.
361
00:15:56,910 --> 00:15:58,945
You could see it as a crippling addiction.
362
00:16:00,714 --> 00:16:02,315
Okay, I feel bad making fun of the guy.
363
00:16:02,382 --> 00:16:04,517
He can't even drive,
but he loves to traffic.
364
00:16:04,584 --> 00:16:06,086
[groans and laughter]
365
00:16:06,786 --> 00:16:10,590
Look, I get it.
He does have an incurable genetic disease.
366
00:16:10,657 --> 00:16:11,591
He's a pedophile.
367
00:16:13,526 --> 00:16:14,761
[both] Allegedly.
368
00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:18,331
You know,
they interviewed the Epstein pilot,
369
00:16:18,398 --> 00:16:21,601
and he said every underage person he saw
on the flight was with a parent or adult,
370
00:16:21,668 --> 00:16:23,937
and I was like,
"Yeah, those are two different things."
371
00:16:27,407 --> 00:16:29,209
Can't go to the playground…
"Is that your son?"
372
00:16:29,275 --> 00:16:30,110
"It's a kid."
373
00:16:31,978 --> 00:16:34,514
-Thank you very much, guys. Good night!
-Thank you, good night!
374
00:16:35,782 --> 00:16:37,884
Give it up for Faggot and Costello!
375
00:16:37,951 --> 00:16:39,285
[Normand laughs]
376
00:16:39,352 --> 00:16:42,288
I love you guys.
Mark Normand, you're amazing.
377
00:16:42,355 --> 00:16:43,957
-Thank you.
-Sam Morril, love you so much.
378
00:16:44,024 --> 00:16:45,458
You're amazing, buddy.
379
00:16:46,026 --> 00:16:47,827
-[Normand] Thank you.
-[Ross] Incredible, guys.
380
00:16:48,828 --> 00:16:50,497
I was laughing so hard.
381
00:16:51,031 --> 00:16:53,600
You having fun up there in the balcony?
Everybody good?
382
00:16:53,666 --> 00:16:54,901
[people cheering]
383
00:16:54,968 --> 00:16:55,835
All right.
384
00:16:57,070 --> 00:17:00,073
You may know our next roaster
from her hit sitcom
385
00:17:00,140 --> 00:17:02,075
or her sold-out comedy tours.
386
00:17:02,142 --> 00:17:05,378
Tonight, she's here
to bring the year to its knees.
387
00:17:05,445 --> 00:17:07,480
The Southern belle from ATL,
388
00:17:07,547 --> 00:17:10,483
make it loud for Ms. Pat!
389
00:17:10,550 --> 00:17:12,552
[band plays lively music]
390
00:17:24,297 --> 00:17:25,365
[music stops]
391
00:17:25,432 --> 00:17:28,034
So this year, y'all, I made a mistake
392
00:17:28,101 --> 00:17:30,637
of caring about what people think.
393
00:17:30,703 --> 00:17:33,239
After I did Club Shay Shay podcast,
394
00:17:33,306 --> 00:17:36,609
I read the comments section,
and it fucked me up.
395
00:17:37,177 --> 00:17:40,747
I've never been called fat
so much in my damn life,
396
00:17:41,848 --> 00:17:43,049
just from Shannon Sharpe.
397
00:17:45,418 --> 00:17:48,121
And people went crazy
with Ozempic this year.
398
00:17:48,621 --> 00:17:50,723
I'm not ashamed to say it. I tried it.
399
00:17:50,790 --> 00:17:52,192
It didn't work for me.
400
00:17:52,725 --> 00:17:56,596
Apparently, you gotta shoot it in your ass
and not put it in your milkshake.
401
00:17:58,731 --> 00:18:03,203
Aren't y'all tired of
all of this fake-ass body positivity shit?
402
00:18:03,269 --> 00:18:06,639
And these people who preach
this body-positivity shit
403
00:18:06,706 --> 00:18:08,341
is the first ones that turn on you.
404
00:18:08,408 --> 00:18:09,709
Look what happened to Lizzo
405
00:18:09,776 --> 00:18:12,512
after she had that scandal
with her background dancer.
406
00:18:12,579 --> 00:18:14,214
At first, everybody was like,
407
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,050
"She's so brave
to put on that damn two-piece…
408
00:18:17,117 --> 00:18:19,119
I mean, eight-piece swimsuit."
409
00:18:21,020 --> 00:18:24,591
As soon as they learned she liked
eatin' bananas out of stripper pussies,
410
00:18:24,657 --> 00:18:25,825
they let her have it.
411
00:18:28,061 --> 00:18:30,029
Everyone was like, "Oh hell, no."
412
00:18:30,096 --> 00:18:35,101
"What the hell that knock-kneed,
flute-footed, sagging ass, Paul Bunyan,
413
00:18:35,168 --> 00:18:37,170
extra greasy,
414
00:18:38,171 --> 00:18:40,273
built like an uncle bitch do."
415
00:18:41,908 --> 00:18:44,010
White people, you can laugh.
She ain't gonna see this.
416
00:18:44,077 --> 00:18:45,111
[audience laughs]
417
00:18:46,946 --> 00:18:50,350
Y'all know Hollywood started
this body-positivity trend,
418
00:18:50,416 --> 00:18:53,253
and they don't even
cast fat people anymore.
419
00:18:53,319 --> 00:18:55,655
They let Colin Farrell play the Penguin.
420
00:18:55,722 --> 00:18:58,191
Where that shit at? This…
Look at this man right here.
421
00:18:58,758 --> 00:19:00,560
And look at Jeff Ross tonight.
422
00:19:04,664 --> 00:19:06,666
Tell me he ain't the damn Penguin.
423
00:19:09,736 --> 00:19:13,373
I saw Jeff Ross backstage
eating fish out of a damn bucket.
424
00:19:16,843 --> 00:19:18,478
In 2024, y'all,
425
00:19:18,545 --> 00:19:21,848
celebrities spent all this money
to lose weight.
426
00:19:21,915 --> 00:19:23,249
Look at Adele ass,
427
00:19:23,316 --> 00:19:25,351
looking like a Canadian Wonder Woman.
428
00:19:26,486 --> 00:19:27,887
And look at Jelly Roll ass,
429
00:19:27,954 --> 00:19:30,089
looking like a big back Post Malone.
430
00:19:32,592 --> 00:19:34,194
And look at Ice Spice.
431
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:35,995
Her ass done melt away.
432
00:19:36,696 --> 00:19:38,965
Can somebody please tell this Orphan Annie
433
00:19:39,032 --> 00:19:41,467
she don't rap good enough
to have a flat ass?
434
00:19:44,837 --> 00:19:47,106
That's why I fuck with rapper Dave Blunts.
435
00:19:47,607 --> 00:19:49,509
He's a… Look at his big ass.
You see him? Here.
436
00:19:50,376 --> 00:19:52,178
White dude,
you see that big nigga back there?
437
00:19:53,713 --> 00:19:55,949
He's an unapologetic diabetic.
438
00:19:57,450 --> 00:20:01,921
It's easy to make fun of Dave,
yes, it is, 'cause he's a 500-pound,
439
00:20:01,988 --> 00:20:04,424
sitting on the couch with an oxygen mask.
440
00:20:04,924 --> 00:20:08,394
The only problem is,
is he got a white woman by his side.
441
00:20:08,928 --> 00:20:11,097
Must you bitches take all the good ones?
442
00:20:12,865 --> 00:20:14,701
But one thing I can tell you,
443
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:19,072
you never see an episode of
600-lb Life where they by themselves.
444
00:20:19,739 --> 00:20:22,842
They always got somebody there
to kiss them goodnight.
445
00:20:23,476 --> 00:20:26,646
To take them to the local car wash
to get a shower.
446
00:20:28,881 --> 00:20:31,651
And they always got a woman
who willing to kick 'em in the stomach
447
00:20:31,718 --> 00:20:33,987
so they dick pop out like a cash register.
448
00:20:36,589 --> 00:20:38,791
I need some help understanding something.
449
00:20:39,292 --> 00:20:43,363
Why was everybody hating on
the nepo babies this year?
450
00:20:43,429 --> 00:20:45,431
My son worked on my sitcom.
451
00:20:45,498 --> 00:20:47,634
I hired and fired him every damn season.
452
00:20:48,534 --> 00:20:51,471
If successful parents
don't help their kids out,
453
00:20:51,537 --> 00:20:53,640
they might end up a damn criminal,
454
00:20:53,706 --> 00:20:55,975
or worse, asking us for our damn money.
455
00:20:56,042 --> 00:20:57,443
Ain't that right, Joe Biden?
456
00:20:57,510 --> 00:20:58,745
Yes, Queen.
457
00:21:02,749 --> 00:21:04,817
You do know I ain't Queen Latifah, right?
458
00:21:04,884 --> 00:21:06,119
Hey, I don't see color.
459
00:21:08,221 --> 00:21:09,622
-Come on.
-Come on up here.
460
00:21:09,689 --> 00:21:13,693
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for
the sleepiest president in the world!
461
00:21:14,827 --> 00:21:15,962
Joe Biden!
462
00:21:20,466 --> 00:21:22,268
-Hey.
-You all right?
463
00:21:22,335 --> 00:21:24,070
I can't see. Happy early Kwanzaa.
464
00:21:24,971 --> 00:21:25,938
You know, I get a lot of…
465
00:21:26,005 --> 00:21:28,808
I get a lot of crap for pardoning Hunter.
He's not a nepo baby.
466
00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:30,576
He's a nepo man, baby!
467
00:21:32,178 --> 00:21:34,514
Nobody has ever said
anything nice about my boy.
468
00:21:34,580 --> 00:21:36,482
A lot of you guys don't know this,
but Hunter
469
00:21:36,549 --> 00:21:38,384
bought that crack with his own money.
470
00:21:41,254 --> 00:21:45,058
Oh, there's no way Michael B. Jordan
would have been in those Rocky movies
471
00:21:45,124 --> 00:21:46,759
if his dad didn't play for the Bulls.
472
00:21:49,462 --> 00:21:51,964
[mumbling]
473
00:21:52,031 --> 00:21:55,201
I mean, come on, you can do anything when
your dad's friends with Scottie Pippin.
474
00:21:56,202 --> 00:21:58,237
Well said, Mr. President.
475
00:21:58,304 --> 00:22:00,773
Come on, let's do a cool Black handshake
and get out of here.
476
00:22:02,275 --> 00:22:04,711
No, y'all white men
don't wash your hands after y'all piss.
477
00:22:04,777 --> 00:22:06,946
-All right, rain check, rain check.
-[Ross] Wow.
478
00:22:07,013 --> 00:22:09,349
I seen y'all niggas go to the bathroom.
479
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:12,885
Give it up for the President
and his new nurse.
480
00:22:13,619 --> 00:22:14,620
[Ray] Oh wait.
481
00:22:15,455 --> 00:22:17,256
Mr. President, are you having fun so far?
482
00:22:17,323 --> 00:22:19,292
I'm having a blast, Jeff.
Hit me, Uncle Jesse.
483
00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:20,193
[Ross] Wow.
484
00:22:20,259 --> 00:22:22,462
[band plays slow tune]
485
00:22:23,129 --> 00:22:26,032
Live from New York, it's Saturday night!
486
00:22:27,767 --> 00:22:30,169
-This way, Mr. President.
-We got a great show for you.
487
00:22:30,236 --> 00:22:31,704
Coldplay is here tonight!
488
00:22:31,771 --> 00:22:33,573
-This way, Mr. President.
-Cold…
489
00:22:33,639 --> 00:22:35,308
Who just shit my pants?
490
00:22:37,510 --> 00:22:39,078
This way. Pat, help him.
491
00:22:39,145 --> 00:22:40,713
-[Ray] Hey.
-[Ross] Wow!
492
00:22:41,447 --> 00:22:42,348
Wow.
493
00:22:44,050 --> 00:22:45,918
-Incredible.
-[music ends]
494
00:22:46,486 --> 00:22:50,089
Comedy, bringing people together.
495
00:22:50,156 --> 00:22:52,959
Roasting, healing the world.
496
00:22:53,025 --> 00:22:55,194
Right now, there's
a profound division in this country.
497
00:22:55,261 --> 00:22:57,330
-[organ plays]
-And I think a lot of that is because
498
00:22:57,397 --> 00:23:00,700
we don't listen to each other
until it's too late.
499
00:23:00,767 --> 00:23:03,269
Sometimes people take matters
into their own hands,
500
00:23:04,137 --> 00:23:05,271
like Luigi Mangione.
501
00:23:06,372 --> 00:23:09,475
I heard Luigi's new nickname is
the Uni-brower.
502
00:23:11,310 --> 00:23:13,146
But who better to heal us
503
00:23:13,646 --> 00:23:17,083
and remind us we're at our best
when we're united
504
00:23:17,850 --> 00:23:20,987
than the former UnitedHealthcare CEO,
505
00:23:21,721 --> 00:23:23,790
yes, back from the dead,
506
00:23:24,757 --> 00:23:28,494
the late, great Brian Thompson.
507
00:23:32,432 --> 00:23:36,102
[band plays "Funeral March" by Chopin]
508
00:23:36,169 --> 00:23:39,338
You lousy socialist pigs!
509
00:23:39,405 --> 00:23:41,541
Is this what you want?
510
00:23:41,607 --> 00:23:43,743
Laugh it up! Here's a…
511
00:23:43,810 --> 00:23:46,579
Here's the free medicine, there you go!
512
00:23:47,146 --> 00:23:49,782
That's fentanyl, have as much as you want!
513
00:23:50,483 --> 00:23:53,186
It's fentanyl laced with more fentanyl.
514
00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:55,521
I'm Brian Thompson.
515
00:23:56,155 --> 00:23:57,223
[laughs]
516
00:23:57,824 --> 00:23:59,091
I… [giggles]
517
00:23:59,158 --> 00:24:02,195
I'm going to Hell for this,
you might as well laugh. I…
518
00:24:02,895 --> 00:24:03,963
I…
519
00:24:04,030 --> 00:24:05,698
I'm the CEO of UnitedHealthcare,
520
00:24:05,765 --> 00:24:07,867
and I understand
a lot of you are happy I'm dead.
521
00:24:07,934 --> 00:24:10,503
-[hesitant whoops]
-Yeah, I read the tweets.
522
00:24:10,570 --> 00:24:12,605
Yeah, I read the tweets.
523
00:24:12,672 --> 00:24:14,841
You don't think they have X in Hell?
524
00:24:15,575 --> 00:24:17,777
That's all they have in Hell.
525
00:24:19,212 --> 00:24:22,782
Half the people commenting on there
are burning in a pot of boiling oil.
526
00:24:23,783 --> 00:24:27,687
Let me tell you something, your reaction
to my murder makes me sick.
527
00:24:28,254 --> 00:24:30,690
And not the type of sick
I would immediately deny
528
00:24:30,756 --> 00:24:33,359
for not having the proper paperwork.
529
00:24:33,426 --> 00:24:35,428
You gotta have the paperwork!
530
00:24:37,129 --> 00:24:39,932
You should be thanking me for what I did.
531
00:24:40,433 --> 00:24:41,601
I'm the hero.
532
00:24:41,667 --> 00:24:44,804
In fact, as I was laying there
with that hunky,
533
00:24:44,871 --> 00:24:48,207
unibrowed Italian kid,
Linguine Mascarpone…
534
00:24:50,476 --> 00:24:52,578
standing over my bleeding body,
535
00:24:52,645 --> 00:24:56,649
my last thought was, "I love my job."
536
00:24:57,950 --> 00:25:00,753
I do. Because I help people.
537
00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:03,523
Not by giving them healthcare,
but by denying it.
538
00:25:03,589 --> 00:25:05,791
Oh, your nana needs her insulin?
539
00:25:06,325 --> 00:25:07,894
Your nana needs her insulin.
540
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:11,230
Maybe your nana needs
to make better choices.
541
00:25:12,265 --> 00:25:16,102
Maybe one less
Little Debbie cake after dinner,
542
00:25:16,168 --> 00:25:19,572
and you wouldn't need
Big Pharma to bail you out
543
00:25:19,639 --> 00:25:21,240
of an early grave.
544
00:25:21,774 --> 00:25:25,811
But you didn't think about that,
did you, you selfish bitch?
545
00:25:26,612 --> 00:25:27,446
But what do I know?
546
00:25:27,513 --> 00:25:31,083
I only ran a company voted
America's most innovative provider
547
00:25:31,150 --> 00:25:34,554
by Fortune Magazine three years in a row.
548
00:25:34,620 --> 00:25:36,923
That's right. Innovative.
549
00:25:36,989 --> 00:25:38,925
When you submitted a claim,
550
00:25:38,991 --> 00:25:40,893
other companies said no.
551
00:25:41,427 --> 00:25:42,562
We said,
552
00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:44,497
"Fuck no!"
553
00:25:45,565 --> 00:25:47,967
You think we put you on hold too much?
554
00:25:48,034 --> 00:25:49,969
We think you call too much.
555
00:25:50,469 --> 00:25:51,504
How 'bout that?
556
00:25:52,004 --> 00:25:55,474
Oh, your daughter has leukemia, huh?
Just yours?
557
00:25:55,541 --> 00:25:57,143
Just yours?
558
00:25:59,445 --> 00:26:02,248
And if you love her so much,
why don't you get off the phone,
559
00:26:02,315 --> 00:26:04,817
take her for ice cream,
take her wig shopping?
560
00:26:11,757 --> 00:26:13,492
He's dead. Now…
561
00:26:16,462 --> 00:26:19,165
The truth is, without people like me
562
00:26:19,231 --> 00:26:21,834
fucking over people like you,
563
00:26:21,901 --> 00:26:23,869
to help people like me,
564
00:26:24,370 --> 00:26:26,439
this country would fall apart.
565
00:26:27,073 --> 00:26:28,307
And that's on you.
566
00:26:34,347 --> 00:26:37,283
And look at yourselves
dancing in the streets,
567
00:26:37,350 --> 00:26:41,454
because that guy, Tortellini Mozzarella,
took me by surprise
568
00:26:42,021 --> 00:26:45,124
like an unexpected medical bill
and shot me in the back.
569
00:26:45,992 --> 00:26:48,094
Apparently, he had his own back problems.
570
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:49,662
I'm sorry, Luigi,
571
00:26:49,729 --> 00:26:53,933
but nobody feels bad
for a thin guy with back problems.
572
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,735
Claim denied!
573
00:26:58,571 --> 00:27:01,374
But if you're happy I'm dead,
the joke's on you.
574
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:03,609
Most people think
I'm out of the game right now
575
00:27:03,676 --> 00:27:05,277
because I'm rotting in Hell.
576
00:27:06,078 --> 00:27:08,147
Wrong! I'm working remote.
577
00:27:09,815 --> 00:27:11,751
And harder than ever.
578
00:27:11,817 --> 00:27:16,822
Just the opposite. Where do you think
the UnitedHealthcare headquarters is?
579
00:27:16,889 --> 00:27:20,459
That's right, down there
where the market's always hot.
580
00:27:21,060 --> 00:27:23,362
Right next to BlackRock and Ben & Jerry's.
581
00:27:25,865 --> 00:27:28,367
The Devil is on the board
of UnitedHealthcare,
582
00:27:28,434 --> 00:27:29,835
and now I've got his ear.
583
00:27:29,902 --> 00:27:32,972
And if you think I'm gonna hold back,
you're dead wrong.
584
00:27:33,039 --> 00:27:36,242
I'm taking healthcare
to a new level of Hell. That's right.
585
00:27:36,308 --> 00:27:39,211
The machine keeps rolling. Rolling on,
586
00:27:39,278 --> 00:27:42,782
just like your uncle's wheelchair
we no longer cover in his plan.
587
00:27:44,016 --> 00:27:46,952
Deny, defend, decompose!
588
00:27:47,019 --> 00:27:48,888
I'll see you at the retreat,
589
00:27:48,954 --> 00:27:51,257
and I'll see you down here very soon,
590
00:27:51,323 --> 00:27:52,525
Hawk Tuah!
591
00:27:54,493 --> 00:27:56,228
Goodnight, everybody!
592
00:27:57,463 --> 00:27:58,864
[Ross] Tim Dillon, everyone!
593
00:27:59,565 --> 00:28:01,033
Holy shit!
594
00:28:02,535 --> 00:28:06,439
Now the new CEO of UnitedHealthcare,
Tim Dillon.
595
00:28:06,505 --> 00:28:08,307
That was a great DEAD Talk.
596
00:28:09,408 --> 00:28:12,278
Amazing. One more time
for our friend Tim Dillon.
597
00:28:12,812 --> 00:28:14,447
That was fucking crazy.
598
00:28:15,815 --> 00:28:19,318
You may know our next roaster
from her hit Netflix special,
599
00:28:19,385 --> 00:28:21,821
or as Raygun
at the beginning of this roast.
600
00:28:21,887 --> 00:28:25,858
Here to torch Tinseltown
is the amazing Hannah Berner!
601
00:28:25,925 --> 00:28:28,461
[band playing funky music]
602
00:28:39,538 --> 00:28:40,773
[music stops]
603
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:44,143
You guys, welcome to
the Temu Tom Brady roast!
604
00:28:44,210 --> 00:28:45,845
[Ross chuckles]
605
00:28:46,345 --> 00:28:49,915
It is so nice to be in LA
for the final season of Hollywood,
606
00:28:49,982 --> 00:28:51,917
'cause it's a mess out here.
607
00:28:51,984 --> 00:28:53,953
Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly broke up.
608
00:28:54,019 --> 00:28:58,190
She claimed she found
"disturbing material" on his phone.
609
00:28:58,758 --> 00:29:00,526
I'm guessing it was his new album.
610
00:29:03,395 --> 00:29:06,699
You know, the broke up two weeks after
her pregnancy announcement.
611
00:29:06,766 --> 00:29:08,567
Such an American story.
612
00:29:08,634 --> 00:29:10,636
A machine gun ruining a family.
613
00:29:12,371 --> 00:29:15,908
Drake did a diss track on Kendrick
this year, and then sued him,
614
00:29:15,975 --> 00:29:18,911
which is exactly what you'd expect
from a Black Jew.
615
00:29:21,313 --> 00:29:23,215
The word "cunt" was trending this year.
616
00:29:23,716 --> 00:29:25,718
I don't think Blake Lively was that bad.
617
00:29:28,854 --> 00:29:30,723
Luigi's so hot right now.
618
00:29:30,790 --> 00:29:35,194
Who knew, besides Travis Kelce, that
you could become so popular with women
619
00:29:35,261 --> 00:29:37,496
by shooting loads into a billionaire?
620
00:29:37,563 --> 00:29:38,731
[groans and laughter]
621
00:29:42,134 --> 00:29:45,037
Now, I think girls love Luigi
'cause he made a plan,
622
00:29:45,104 --> 00:29:46,572
he showed up on time,
623
00:29:46,639 --> 00:29:49,809
and engraved messages
in every single bullet.
624
00:29:49,875 --> 00:29:52,611
Can you imagine what he would do
for your anniversary?
625
00:29:52,678 --> 00:29:54,246
Oh my God.
626
00:29:55,214 --> 00:29:57,783
You guys, nowadays,
anyone could become a star.
627
00:29:57,850 --> 00:30:01,887
A woman made $41 million
on OnlyFans this year.
628
00:30:01,954 --> 00:30:04,156
That's the same salary as Aaron Rodgers,
629
00:30:04,223 --> 00:30:06,559
except she sucked less balls.
630
00:30:07,827 --> 00:30:10,763
I'm so serious right now,
he's the worst Jet to come to New York
631
00:30:10,830 --> 00:30:11,931
since 9/11.
632
00:30:13,666 --> 00:30:16,435
I can say that 'cause
I'm from New York, you fake fucks.
633
00:30:18,771 --> 00:30:21,607
Chappell Roan says
she "doesn't want attention"
634
00:30:21,674 --> 00:30:24,610
while dressing like
a colorful Big Bird in heat.
635
00:30:26,879 --> 00:30:29,215
Look, I don't know
what a Chappell Roan is,
636
00:30:29,281 --> 00:30:31,951
but I definitely don't want her
reading to my kids.
637
00:30:35,154 --> 00:30:37,389
John Stamos is here! I'm so excited.
638
00:30:37,456 --> 00:30:40,125
He's the only uncle
that I ever wanted to touch me.
639
00:30:41,927 --> 00:30:42,795
[plays sting]
640
00:30:43,896 --> 00:30:47,199
You know things aren't great
when kids are safer in the Gaza Strip
641
00:30:47,266 --> 00:30:49,568
than at the Nickelodeon
Kids' Choice Awards.
642
00:30:51,804 --> 00:30:53,272
Someone just said, "Jesus."
643
00:30:53,339 --> 00:30:54,173
Be with you.
644
00:30:55,774 --> 00:30:58,744
Actors are struggling so bad
to stay relevant
645
00:30:58,811 --> 00:31:02,114
that a few of them are looking forward
to being named in the Diddy case.
646
00:31:06,418 --> 00:31:09,588
There was a lot of news this year
about a dancing wicked witch, but then
647
00:31:10,422 --> 00:31:11,590
Ellen moved to England.
648
00:31:13,926 --> 00:31:15,594
No, but look at the celebs nowadays.
649
00:31:15,661 --> 00:31:17,663
Gypsy-Rose, the Menendez brothers.
650
00:31:17,730 --> 00:31:20,566
It seems like the only way
to get a show on Netflix
651
00:31:20,633 --> 00:31:22,234
is to murder your parents.
652
00:31:23,002 --> 00:31:24,570
Someone tell Barron Trump
653
00:31:24,637 --> 00:31:26,205
I could make him a star.
654
00:31:29,642 --> 00:31:31,877
Thank you so much to Netflix!
655
00:31:31,944 --> 00:31:33,345
Thank you, Jeff Ross!
656
00:31:33,412 --> 00:31:35,281
And thank you, Beyoncé!
657
00:31:35,347 --> 00:31:36,849
Thank you to Beyoncé!
658
00:31:36,916 --> 00:31:40,352
-Give it up for Hannah, everybody!
-Thank you! Thank you!
659
00:31:42,721 --> 00:31:45,024
There are so many amazing things
660
00:31:45,925 --> 00:31:48,460
that we all forgot about in 2024.
661
00:31:48,527 --> 00:31:52,631
So now I wanna do a little gang roast of
some of the stuff that happened this year.
662
00:31:52,698 --> 00:31:55,234
Anybody remember
the eclipse happened in April?
663
00:31:55,301 --> 00:31:56,635
Did you forget already?
664
00:31:56,702 --> 00:31:57,937
[surprised murmurs, whoops]
665
00:31:58,003 --> 00:32:01,273
I knew they shouldn't have booked Lizzo
for a daytime outdoor concert.
666
00:32:03,108 --> 00:32:04,743
Tim, did you do anything for the eclipse?
667
00:32:04,810 --> 00:32:06,178
Yeah, it's the perfect adventure
668
00:32:06,245 --> 00:32:08,747
for somebody too poor and lazy
to see the northern lights.
669
00:32:10,349 --> 00:32:11,517
Real scum.
670
00:32:11,583 --> 00:32:14,954
I feel like the sun went light to dark,
and back to light again,
671
00:32:15,020 --> 00:32:16,255
like Ariana Grande.
672
00:32:16,755 --> 00:32:18,691
Oh, I thought that was Jesus' booty hole.
673
00:32:18,757 --> 00:32:20,726
-[comedians laughing]
-[Ross] Yes, the eclipse!
674
00:32:20,793 --> 00:32:23,529
I'm getting eclipsed
by Ms. Pat right now. Wow.
675
00:32:25,998 --> 00:32:27,499
I didn't even remember this happening,
676
00:32:27,566 --> 00:32:30,102
but somebody was telling me
that when the movie Dune came out,
677
00:32:30,169 --> 00:32:33,205
the popcorn buckets were very provocative.
678
00:32:33,772 --> 00:32:35,140
-[Normand] Oh yeah.
-[Berner] Yeah.
679
00:32:35,207 --> 00:32:37,876
If you eat it correctly,
it butters itself. What are you gonna…
680
00:32:39,578 --> 00:32:41,347
Looks like Ms. Pat bent over.
681
00:32:42,181 --> 00:32:43,582
[comedians laughing]
682
00:32:43,649 --> 00:32:45,617
-[Berner] Get him, Ms. Pat!
-[Morril] Oh shit! Okay.
683
00:32:45,684 --> 00:32:47,653
That look like the pussy Jeff Ross buys.
684
00:32:49,355 --> 00:32:50,756
Cheaper than a prostitute,
685
00:32:50,823 --> 00:32:53,258
and if you break it,
you don't have to bury it in the woods.
686
00:32:55,094 --> 00:32:57,329
This is what all vaginas look like to me.
687
00:32:58,764 --> 00:32:59,898
[Ms. Pat giggles]
688
00:32:59,965 --> 00:33:01,734
Yeah, it's just like I tell my Fleshlight,
689
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:03,135
"My body, my choice." Come on.
690
00:33:03,202 --> 00:33:06,071
[Normand laughs]
Man, you got more lines than your son.
691
00:33:07,039 --> 00:33:07,940
[Ms. Pat cackles]
692
00:33:08,007 --> 00:33:10,242
-[Ross] Hey, that's good!
-Take that back, Mark Normand!
693
00:33:10,309 --> 00:33:11,877
-[Ross] Hey, that's good.
-[Ray] Hey.
694
00:33:11,944 --> 00:33:15,647
I'll come over there and [stammers]…
I'll come over there and…
695
00:33:15,714 --> 00:33:18,650
Hey, you're a good guy.
You're a good guy. I like him.
696
00:33:19,151 --> 00:33:21,920
That guy over there,
it's the first gay guy I ever met live.
697
00:33:24,423 --> 00:33:26,959
Speaking of kids
ruining their parents' lives,
698
00:33:27,026 --> 00:33:29,762
did you guys follow this at all?
Did you watch the Gypsy-Rose…
699
00:33:29,828 --> 00:33:32,064
-Do you follow her on TikTok?
-[Dillon] I love her.
700
00:33:32,131 --> 00:33:34,099
I will always support
a woman's right to choose
701
00:33:34,166 --> 00:33:35,234
to kill their mother.
702
00:33:36,368 --> 00:33:39,238
Black parents lock their door.
You can't get to us that easy.
703
00:33:41,273 --> 00:33:42,541
We'll fuck you up.
704
00:33:43,675 --> 00:33:45,310
"Parents"? There's no dad.
705
00:33:48,247 --> 00:33:49,081
[Ray] Oh shit.
706
00:33:49,648 --> 00:33:50,816
-That was funny.
-[Ross] Jesus.
707
00:33:50,883 --> 00:33:52,918
Mark Normand, ding, ding, ding, ding!
708
00:33:53,786 --> 00:33:55,721
[Ms. Pat] No… Ah!
709
00:33:55,788 --> 00:33:57,856
That was tonight's
Doritos Joke of the Night!
710
00:34:00,692 --> 00:34:02,561
January 6th was more planned than this.
711
00:34:04,396 --> 00:34:05,664
That's probably true.
712
00:34:05,731 --> 00:34:07,900
-[Morril] Jesus Christ.
-[Normand laughs]
713
00:34:07,966 --> 00:34:09,301
I don't give a shit about this.
714
00:34:09,368 --> 00:34:10,769
-Can I do a drones joke?
-[Ross] Yes.
715
00:34:11,403 --> 00:34:13,172
-Please, 'cause mine sucks.
-Yeah.
716
00:34:13,238 --> 00:34:15,040
-You saw the drones in Jersey?
-[Normand] Yeah.
717
00:34:15,107 --> 00:34:17,309
Usually when a guy from Jersey says,
"What is that thing?"
718
00:34:17,376 --> 00:34:18,811
he's talking about a trans person.
719
00:34:20,179 --> 00:34:22,347
That's tonight's
Fruit by the Foot Joke of the Night.
720
00:34:23,949 --> 00:34:25,851
-[Morril] Boom!
-This guy over here.
721
00:34:26,919 --> 00:34:28,687
Here's one that really confused me.
722
00:34:28,754 --> 00:34:31,356
John Krasinski, is that his name?
He was named
723
00:34:31,924 --> 00:34:35,227
People Magazine's
Sexiest Man Alive this year.
724
00:34:35,294 --> 00:34:37,463
Look at this guy.
I like that he's sad on the cover.
725
00:34:37,996 --> 00:34:40,933
That's how I look right after
I whack off to pictures of his wife.
726
00:34:42,501 --> 00:34:44,703
Like, even he knows he doesn't deserve it.
727
00:34:44,770 --> 00:34:45,771
[Stamos] Bullshit!
728
00:34:46,839 --> 00:34:49,675
-Luckily no one cares about this stuff.
-[Stamos] I care about this stuff.
729
00:34:49,741 --> 00:34:50,576
What?
730
00:34:50,642 --> 00:34:53,412
Krasinski wasn't even
the sexiest man on The Office.
731
00:34:54,446 --> 00:34:56,548
Everyone knows it goes
Carell, Craig Robinson,
732
00:34:56,615 --> 00:34:57,749
the dude who played Meredith,
733
00:34:57,816 --> 00:34:58,951
-then Krasinski.
-Right.
734
00:34:59,451 --> 00:35:02,121
-Sounds like somebody's jelly!
-No!
735
00:35:02,187 --> 00:35:05,057
Are you jealous because
you've never been named Sexiest Man?
736
00:35:05,124 --> 00:35:06,191
No!
737
00:35:06,258 --> 00:35:07,459
Come on, Stamos.
738
00:35:07,526 --> 00:35:08,894
-Little bit.
-Really?
739
00:35:08,961 --> 00:35:11,763
Those fucking people at People
had me on a 30-year losing streak.
740
00:35:12,331 --> 00:35:14,733
You know who loves me
who doesn't know Krasinski exists?
741
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:16,001
Women that still buy magazines.
742
00:35:17,736 --> 00:35:18,570
Who else?
743
00:35:18,637 --> 00:35:20,372
Gay guys who still buy magazines.
744
00:35:21,039 --> 00:35:22,407
-I'm an ally.
-You certainly are.
745
00:35:22,975 --> 00:35:26,478
By the way, I'm so proud of you
and I'm so happy you're in recovery,
746
00:35:26,545 --> 00:35:28,046
-in remission.
-Thank you, man.
747
00:35:29,548 --> 00:35:32,551
I can't lose any more funny people.
The world can't.
748
00:35:32,618 --> 00:35:34,853
This looks like
the before and after of Ozempic.
749
00:35:36,121 --> 00:35:38,490
I just realized
this is Jeff's Make-A-Wish.
750
00:35:38,557 --> 00:35:39,925
This is so cute.
751
00:35:39,992 --> 00:35:41,960
Let's be honest,
this was the election result
752
00:35:42,027 --> 00:35:45,597
that pissed most Americans off, but
next year we'll take back what's ours.
753
00:35:45,664 --> 00:35:47,332
Let's make America sexy again.
754
00:35:47,399 --> 00:35:48,367
Stamos 2025!
755
00:35:48,433 --> 00:35:50,936
-[all cheering]
-[Ms. Pat] Yeah!
756
00:35:51,003 --> 00:35:52,804
-I love you, John Stamos!
-I love you, Jeff.
757
00:35:52,871 --> 00:35:54,673
You're a legend in my life.
758
00:35:55,908 --> 00:35:57,409
Play something sexy for me.
759
00:35:57,476 --> 00:35:59,244
Play one more sexy thing for me,
all right?
760
00:35:59,311 --> 00:36:01,013
-[Stamos] What do you got?
-I love this band.
761
00:36:01,079 --> 00:36:02,247
[piano playing]
762
00:36:02,314 --> 00:36:04,383
Now it's time for us to honor
763
00:36:04,449 --> 00:36:07,352
some of our fallen celebrities
that we lost this year.
764
00:36:08,954 --> 00:36:10,055
O.J. Simpson.
765
00:36:11,723 --> 00:36:13,325
If the casket don't fit,
766
00:36:13,392 --> 00:36:14,326
you must acquit.
767
00:36:16,595 --> 00:36:19,164
O.J. was known
for his rushing and receiving.
768
00:36:19,731 --> 00:36:22,668
But this year, way more fans
celebrated his passing.
769
00:36:25,404 --> 00:36:27,539
O.J. died peacefully, surrounded by
770
00:36:27,606 --> 00:36:30,008
his very gullible friends and family.
771
00:36:32,477 --> 00:36:36,548
When I first heard that
country star Toby Keith passed away,
772
00:36:36,615 --> 00:36:38,550
I cried a little bit, and then I realized
773
00:36:38,617 --> 00:36:40,619
I was mixing him up with Keith Urban.
774
00:36:44,156 --> 00:36:46,925
One of the biggest music producers
in the world, Quincy Jones,
775
00:36:46,992 --> 00:36:49,161
we lost him at 91 this year.
776
00:36:49,895 --> 00:36:50,963
People don't realize this.
777
00:36:51,029 --> 00:36:53,031
Quincy's middle name was Delight.
778
00:36:53,565 --> 00:36:56,535
De light is also what he saw
right before he died.
779
00:36:58,670 --> 00:37:02,107
Quincy Jones was also
a legendary jazz producer.
780
00:37:02,174 --> 00:37:05,210
In fact, his last wish was
to have his ashes scatted.
781
00:37:07,312 --> 00:37:11,483
[scatting]
782
00:37:11,550 --> 00:37:14,553
Quincy composed music
for award-winning films,
783
00:37:14,620 --> 00:37:16,421
but he always said his greatest score
784
00:37:16,488 --> 00:37:18,657
was the heroin he got from Ray Charles.
785
00:37:21,426 --> 00:37:25,430
We also lost another award-winning talent
in the great actor James Earl Jones.
786
00:37:26,164 --> 00:37:28,567
He was amazing.
Give it up for James Earl Jones.
787
00:37:28,634 --> 00:37:30,102
[cheers and applause]
788
00:37:31,236 --> 00:37:32,971
But on the plus side,
789
00:37:33,038 --> 00:37:36,475
at least he doesn't have to sit through
that new fucking Mufasa movie.
790
00:37:39,411 --> 00:37:41,947
James Earl Jones
was a walking contradiction.
791
00:37:42,014 --> 00:37:44,383
He was a strong voice
for the Black community,
792
00:37:44,883 --> 00:37:48,687
but he also played Darth Vader,
the most famous deadbeat dad of all time.
793
00:37:50,255 --> 00:37:54,326
James Earl Jones won an Emmy,
a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony,
794
00:37:54,393 --> 00:37:56,662
otherwise known as an EGOT,
795
00:37:56,728 --> 00:37:59,464
as in, "EGOT diabetes and died."
796
00:37:59,531 --> 00:38:00,365
[drum plays sting]
797
00:38:02,768 --> 00:38:05,537
We also lost fitness guru Richard Simmons.
798
00:38:05,604 --> 00:38:06,738
Remember Richard Simmons?
799
00:38:06,805 --> 00:38:07,706
I loved him!
800
00:38:08,240 --> 00:38:09,975
Seventy-six years old.
801
00:38:11,076 --> 00:38:14,112
In his old age,
Richard got a little testy.
802
00:38:14,713 --> 00:38:16,915
"A little testy" also describes
803
00:38:16,982 --> 00:38:19,885
what was always peeking out
of those tighty shorts of his.
804
00:38:21,353 --> 00:38:24,122
Richard Simmons never
officially came out as gay.
805
00:38:24,690 --> 00:38:28,260
But if he wasn't, then
we really have to rethink what gay is.
806
00:38:30,662 --> 00:38:31,763
Earlier this year,
807
00:38:31,830 --> 00:38:34,900
a biopic about Richard Simmons
was announced,
808
00:38:34,966 --> 00:38:36,501
starring Pauly Shore.
809
00:38:37,202 --> 00:38:39,538
So we cannot rule out suicide.
810
00:38:44,810 --> 00:38:46,411
And in case you hadn't heard it,
811
00:38:47,813 --> 00:38:51,049
world-renowned sex therapist,
Dr. Ruth Westheimer
812
00:38:51,116 --> 00:38:52,818
finally climaxed.
813
00:38:54,653 --> 00:38:58,390
Dr. Ruth is survived by two children,
four grandchildren,
814
00:38:58,457 --> 00:39:01,960
and one dresser drawer
that they're all terrified to open.
815
00:39:06,231 --> 00:39:10,335
Born in Germany, sex therapist
Dr. Ruth survived the Holocaust,
816
00:39:10,902 --> 00:39:13,605
and I think we can all guess
how she did that.
817
00:39:16,241 --> 00:39:17,075
Yeah.
818
00:39:18,243 --> 00:39:21,279
Legend has it she was the only person
at Auschwitz who insisted
819
00:39:21,346 --> 00:39:24,316
her number be tattooed on her lower back.
820
00:39:26,284 --> 00:39:28,320
She called it her "camp stamp".
821
00:39:31,857 --> 00:39:33,792
Everyone, bring me a drink.
Come out here, guys.
822
00:39:37,329 --> 00:39:39,898
Let's all raise a glass, roasters,
823
00:39:39,965 --> 00:39:43,869
to my friends Richard Lewis,
Bob Newhart, San Francisco,
824
00:39:43,935 --> 00:39:46,471
and all the other greats
we lost this year.
825
00:39:46,538 --> 00:39:47,706
How about a big hand…
826
00:39:47,773 --> 00:39:49,608
-[band plays lively music]
-…for our roasters!
827
00:39:49,674 --> 00:39:51,376
Adam Ray, Ms. Pat,
828
00:39:51,443 --> 00:39:55,180
Tim Dillon, Hannah Berner,
Sam Morril, and Mark Normand!
829
00:39:55,247 --> 00:39:58,583
John Stamos! Wow, I love you guys!
830
00:39:59,317 --> 00:40:02,254
Shout out to my amazing family, our crew!
831
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:03,522
Thank you, Netflix!
832
00:40:03,588 --> 00:40:05,724
We're almost out of time! No, wait.
833
00:40:05,791 --> 00:40:07,192
-Bring it down.
-[band plays softly]
834
00:40:07,259 --> 00:40:09,728
Shout out to
the Baltimore Bridge disaster.
835
00:40:09,795 --> 00:40:10,962
You were incredible.
836
00:40:11,029 --> 00:40:13,064
Exploding beepers in the Middle East,
837
00:40:13,131 --> 00:40:14,766
you guys came out of nowhere.
838
00:40:14,833 --> 00:40:19,371
Astronauts stuck on the space station,
we'll get you next year, I promise.
839
00:40:19,438 --> 00:40:22,007
Aaron Judge, see you at the ball drop.
840
00:40:22,073 --> 00:40:23,442
Gypsy-Rose, sorry about your dad.
841
00:40:23,508 --> 00:40:26,411
Pete, Gisele,
we left you out of this roast.
842
00:40:26,478 --> 00:40:27,312
You're welcome.
843
00:40:27,879 --> 00:40:29,748
To all my Haitian friends in Ohio,
844
00:40:29,815 --> 00:40:31,983
next time, dinner's on me!
845
00:40:32,751 --> 00:40:35,120
To Justin Timberlake, drive home safely.
846
00:40:35,754 --> 00:40:38,557
Taylor and Travis,
I got a diamond guy if you need one.
847
00:40:38,623 --> 00:40:40,859
You can find him
in the Jewish tunnels of Brooklyn.
848
00:40:41,660 --> 00:40:46,031
To JoJo Siwa, Moo Deng, Lizzo,
and all the other Costco Guys,
849
00:40:46,097 --> 00:40:48,533
stay demure, stay mindful,
850
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,336
and I hope you all find
a nice guy in finance,
851
00:40:51,403 --> 00:40:54,506
trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes.
852
00:40:54,573 --> 00:40:56,842
To my fans,
I'm sorry I had to bail this year.
853
00:40:56,908 --> 00:41:00,979
I'll be back on the road doing my show,
Take a Banana for the Ride, real soon.
854
00:41:01,046 --> 00:41:04,282
Come see me.
Go see all these comedians live.
855
00:41:04,349 --> 00:41:05,650
They're all incredible.
856
00:41:06,184 --> 00:41:07,452
Incredible.
857
00:41:08,019 --> 00:41:10,489
And if anyone's thinking
about shooting a CEO
858
00:41:10,555 --> 00:41:12,657
to get mentioned on our show next year,
859
00:41:12,724 --> 00:41:14,926
don't do it. That's so last year.
860
00:41:15,460 --> 00:41:18,430
Happy New Year!
861
00:41:23,134 --> 00:41:25,136
[band playing rock version of
"Auld Lang Syne"]
63403
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