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[gentle festive music]
5
00:00:23,445 --> 00:00:25,861
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
6
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,520
I hope all is well,
7
00:00:29,555 --> 00:00:31,798
and you are in good spirits.
8
00:00:31,833 --> 00:00:34,698
[shutter clicking]
As Christmas approaches,
9
00:00:34,732 --> 00:00:36,148
I like to take time
10
00:00:36,182 --> 00:00:39,116
to reflect on all the
wonderful times my family
11
00:00:39,151 --> 00:00:40,669
and I have had this past year.
12
00:00:42,499 --> 00:00:46,641
Wishing you a Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year.
13
00:00:46,675 --> 00:00:48,125
Love, Clive H.
14
00:00:51,404 --> 00:00:54,580
[gentle festive music]
15
00:01:02,967 --> 00:01:07,110
[gentle festive music continues]
16
00:01:15,946 --> 00:01:20,088
[gentle festive music continues]
17
00:01:28,924 --> 00:01:33,066
[gentle festive music continues]
18
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:46,183
[gentle festive music continues]
19
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:49,428
[water sloshing]
20
00:01:49,462 --> 00:01:51,844
- [John] Dad, mail's here.
21
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:53,017
- Bring it up.
22
00:02:00,335 --> 00:02:02,544
- Here's your mail.
- Thanks.
23
00:02:04,684 --> 00:02:07,100
Your mother's gonna
make me bankrupt.
24
00:02:07,135 --> 00:02:08,274
- What's bankrupt?
25
00:02:09,724 --> 00:02:12,692
- It's like when somebody
eats all your Cocoa Puffs.
26
00:02:12,727 --> 00:02:13,900
- Cocoa Puffs.
27
00:02:18,698 --> 00:02:22,081
[playfully downbeat music]
28
00:02:22,115 --> 00:02:23,841
- Right on schedule.
29
00:02:27,983 --> 00:02:30,365
[Joe sighs]
30
00:02:38,822 --> 00:02:42,446
[playfully downbeat
music continues]
31
00:02:42,481 --> 00:02:45,311
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
32
00:02:45,346 --> 00:02:49,936
I hope all is well and
you are in good spirits.
33
00:02:49,971 --> 00:02:53,146
As Christmas approaches
I like to take time
34
00:02:53,181 --> 00:02:55,770
to reflect on all
the wonderful times
35
00:02:55,804 --> 00:02:58,048
my family and I have
had this past year.
36
00:02:58,082 --> 00:03:01,293
[shutter clicking]
37
00:03:01,327 --> 00:03:05,573
P.S. You're invited to my
big birthday bash in England.
38
00:03:05,607 --> 00:03:09,956
Bono is my special musical
guest. Details to come.
39
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,277
[gentle warm music]
40
00:03:21,589 --> 00:03:24,937
[water sloshing]
41
00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:27,422
[horn toots]
42
00:03:28,596 --> 00:03:31,288
[bright music]
43
00:03:32,496 --> 00:03:35,672
- Deb, how come we
never do anything?
44
00:03:35,706 --> 00:03:38,399
- Hmm? What are
you talking about?
45
00:03:38,433 --> 00:03:39,641
- I mean, we're alive,
46
00:03:39,676 --> 00:03:42,679
but I don't really live,
47
00:03:43,921 --> 00:03:45,475
I never do anything interesting.
48
00:03:45,509 --> 00:03:48,167
- We went to the
Scouts dinner Monday.
49
00:03:48,201 --> 00:03:49,927
[Joe groans]
50
00:03:49,962 --> 00:03:51,688
Well, I enjoyed it.
51
00:03:51,722 --> 00:03:54,725
I like socializing with
people in the community.
52
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:56,244
It helps me feel connected.
53
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,763
- [chuckles] You
like hanging out
54
00:03:57,797 --> 00:03:59,661
with grown men in
shorts in the winter?
55
00:03:59,696 --> 00:04:00,766
I mean, come on.
56
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,872
[mischievous music]
57
00:04:04,804 --> 00:04:07,600
Oh, I mean, we never travel
58
00:04:07,635 --> 00:04:11,190
or go anywhere or skydive.
59
00:04:11,224 --> 00:04:12,709
We never go skydiving.
60
00:04:12,743 --> 00:04:14,918
We used to talk about
going skydiving.
61
00:04:14,952 --> 00:04:18,404
- I never talked about
skydiving. That's
your death wish.
62
00:04:18,439 --> 00:04:21,062
- Oh. Oh yeah.
63
00:04:21,096 --> 00:04:24,168
[mischievous music]
64
00:04:31,624 --> 00:04:34,662
[traffic whooshing]
65
00:04:39,943 --> 00:04:43,395
- Wait. We got it, didn't we?
66
00:04:44,913 --> 00:04:46,501
- What do you mean?
67
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:49,504
- This annual envy
fest is getting old.
68
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:50,436
- Mm.
69
00:04:50,471 --> 00:04:51,713
- Do you think Mary bragged
70
00:04:51,748 --> 00:04:53,681
about all the
gold, frankincense,
71
00:04:53,715 --> 00:04:55,579
and myrrh that baby Jesus got?
72
00:04:55,614 --> 00:04:58,789
- Well, she should have.
It was quite the haul.
73
00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:02,206
[door knocking]
74
00:05:02,241 --> 00:05:03,346
Ah, I'll get it. I'll get it.
75
00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:05,278
- Ah! If it's a
package, no peeking.
76
00:05:05,313 --> 00:05:08,109
- [Joe] If. [laughs]
If it's a package.
77
00:05:11,043 --> 00:05:12,009
Oh, hey.
78
00:05:12,044 --> 00:05:14,011
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah. Hi Rich.
79
00:05:14,046 --> 00:05:16,945
- I got one for you today.
- Okay. Thank you.
80
00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:18,222
- Yeah.
81
00:05:18,257 --> 00:05:19,845
- Do all your packages
end up like this?
82
00:05:19,879 --> 00:05:22,848
It's a little beaten up.
- Oh, no worries.
83
00:05:22,882 --> 00:05:24,988
Whatever's in there
is pretty strong.
84
00:05:25,022 --> 00:05:26,645
Mm.
- Okay.
85
00:05:26,679 --> 00:05:29,026
- I, I know 'cause I,
I used it to step on it
86
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:31,235
to reach the top
shelf in my truck, so.
87
00:05:31,270 --> 00:05:32,582
- Oh.
- You're good to go.
88
00:05:32,616 --> 00:05:34,169
- Okay, great.
89
00:05:35,205 --> 00:05:37,276
- Hi, Rich.
- Hi, Rich.
90
00:05:37,310 --> 00:05:39,002
- Oh, hey, kids.
91
00:05:39,036 --> 00:05:40,900
- Did you bring us any presents?
92
00:05:40,935 --> 00:05:42,454
- Yeah, did you
bring us anything?
93
00:05:42,488 --> 00:05:45,733
- That's Santa's job.
I'm just an honorary elf.
94
00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:49,150
[both chuckle]
95
00:05:49,184 --> 00:05:52,291
Yeah, see, my job is to
pack in all the things
96
00:05:52,325 --> 00:05:54,293
that Santa can't
fit into a sleigh.
97
00:05:54,327 --> 00:05:57,779
And I bring those, see? Okay?
98
00:05:57,814 --> 00:05:59,402
- Yes!
- Yes!
99
00:06:00,782 --> 00:06:03,854
- Well, I'm gonna be, be going.
100
00:06:03,889 --> 00:06:05,131
- Okay.
- Gotta get there.
101
00:06:05,166 --> 00:06:06,685
- That's a good one, Rich.
102
00:06:06,719 --> 00:06:07,893
- So I'll be seeing
you real soon.
103
00:06:07,927 --> 00:06:08,721
- All right.
- Okay.
104
00:06:08,756 --> 00:06:09,964
- I'll see you around.
105
00:06:09,998 --> 00:06:13,519
- And uh, uh, tell
Debbie Merry Christmas!
106
00:06:15,038 --> 00:06:16,073
- Okay.
- Yeah.
107
00:06:16,108 --> 00:06:17,074
- Merry Christmas.
108
00:06:24,288 --> 00:06:26,774
[Joe groans]
109
00:06:28,914 --> 00:06:31,123
Rotating tree stand.
110
00:06:32,504 --> 00:06:34,506
- I told you not to peek.
111
00:06:34,540 --> 00:06:36,508
- What am I supposed
to do with this?
112
00:06:36,542 --> 00:06:38,889
- It's to stringing up
the lights on the tree.
113
00:06:38,924 --> 00:06:40,235
- Oh.
- Isn't that neat?
114
00:06:41,340 --> 00:06:42,479
- Yeah. Neat.
115
00:06:46,103 --> 00:06:48,623
[Joe groans]
116
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:52,455
♪ O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum ♪
117
00:06:54,802 --> 00:06:56,148
- Who does this?
118
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,219
- Someone with controlling
stock in Waterford.
119
00:06:59,496 --> 00:07:02,810
- Wonder what his doorknob
looks like. [chuckles]
120
00:07:02,844 --> 00:07:04,363
- You know, for
someone who supposedly
121
00:07:04,397 --> 00:07:06,572
has been friends with
this guy for years,
122
00:07:06,607 --> 00:07:08,643
you sure don't act
like it sometimes.
123
00:07:09,955 --> 00:07:13,890
- Yeah, he means well.
He's just a bit tone deaf.
124
00:07:13,924 --> 00:07:17,721
He lives in the world
of rich and famous
125
00:07:17,756 --> 00:07:19,654
and I live in this one.
126
00:07:20,621 --> 00:07:21,898
And he likes to remind me of it
127
00:07:21,932 --> 00:07:24,176
every single year without fail.
128
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:27,766
- You know, his letters
are always over the top.
129
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,907
[Joe sighs]
So why do you stay in touch?
130
00:07:30,941 --> 00:07:35,083
- I dunno. I guess this
goes back to my childhood.
131
00:07:35,118 --> 00:07:36,671
- I am pleased to announce,
132
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:40,019
today I have your
pen pal assignments.
133
00:07:40,054 --> 00:07:41,607
- [Students] Yes!
134
00:07:41,642 --> 00:07:44,714
- Ooh, I hope I get to
write to a cute Italian boy.
135
00:07:45,749 --> 00:07:47,130
- Save yourself a stamp.
136
00:07:49,270 --> 00:07:50,996
- [Teacher] Getting to know
someone from a foreign land
137
00:07:51,030 --> 00:07:52,791
is a wonderful thing.
138
00:07:52,825 --> 00:07:55,483
Many pen pals become
lifelong friends.
139
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:56,726
- Texas?
140
00:07:58,003 --> 00:07:59,383
- [Teacher] Even in spite
of cultural differences,
141
00:07:59,418 --> 00:08:02,041
you'll discover that
you and your new pen pal
142
00:08:02,076 --> 00:08:04,423
have a lot more in
common than you think.
143
00:08:04,457 --> 00:08:07,564
[warm playful music]
144
00:08:10,878 --> 00:08:12,362
- [Clive] I play tennis too.
145
00:08:12,396 --> 00:08:15,123
In fact, I'll be playing
Junior Wimbledon this year.
146
00:08:15,158 --> 00:08:17,540
What tennis club
do you belong to?
147
00:08:17,574 --> 00:08:19,680
Cheers, Clive H.
148
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:21,958
- Bloody hell.
149
00:08:21,992 --> 00:08:23,546
- I could really tell
we are worlds apart
150
00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:26,963
when I got my gold
badge in Scouts
151
00:08:26,997 --> 00:08:29,344
and he said, "Oh, gold,
152
00:08:29,379 --> 00:08:31,174
that's a good
investment opportunity.
153
00:08:31,208 --> 00:08:32,900
It'd be great for
your portfolio."
154
00:08:32,934 --> 00:08:35,523
[lofty music]
155
00:08:38,146 --> 00:08:39,044
Bloody hell.
156
00:08:40,217 --> 00:08:41,253
I must have been a
glutton for punishment
157
00:08:41,287 --> 00:08:43,358
because I visited a few times
158
00:08:43,393 --> 00:08:46,845
and was eventually asked to
be an usher at his wedding.
159
00:08:46,879 --> 00:08:49,502
[horse chuffs]
160
00:08:54,818 --> 00:08:57,269
- Oh, there you are, old dog.
161
00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:59,202
Look at you, mate.
162
00:08:59,236 --> 00:09:00,444
You could almost be mistaken
163
00:09:00,479 --> 00:09:02,308
for an accomplished
businessman, huh?
164
00:09:02,343 --> 00:09:03,482
- Uh...
- Hey, hey,
165
00:09:03,516 --> 00:09:05,208
I want you to introduce
you to someone,
166
00:09:05,242 --> 00:09:07,072
has a big thing for Americans.
167
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:10,662
Joe, meet Fiona.
168
00:09:12,008 --> 00:09:12,871
- Hi.
- Hey.
169
00:09:14,355 --> 00:09:16,115
- Okay. Got to dash.
170
00:09:16,150 --> 00:09:18,186
Wedding and all, uh...
171
00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:21,155
- What's this for?
172
00:09:21,189 --> 00:09:22,639
- An usherly favor.
173
00:09:22,674 --> 00:09:24,330
See, my horse steed
will be pulling
174
00:09:24,365 --> 00:09:26,816
our carriage away
from the church.
175
00:09:26,850 --> 00:09:28,645
He had a little
molasses this morning
176
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,543
and he's not feeling that great.
177
00:09:30,578 --> 00:09:31,752
[uncomfortable music]
Would you mind?
178
00:09:31,786 --> 00:09:33,063
- Uh...
- Thanks.
179
00:09:33,098 --> 00:09:36,273
And keep the spade,
the shovel, as a gift.
180
00:09:38,206 --> 00:09:39,173
You kids have fun.
181
00:09:41,002 --> 00:09:44,074
[Joe and Fiona
chuckle nervously]
182
00:09:44,109 --> 00:09:45,766
- So, Fiona, right?
183
00:09:46,974 --> 00:09:47,871
- Fiona.
184
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:56,431
[uncomfortable music continues]
185
00:09:58,192 --> 00:10:00,746
- And that's when the
Christmas letters began.
186
00:10:02,506 --> 00:10:05,820
Year after year reminding
me of how great his life is
187
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:09,652
and how, how mine wasn't.
188
00:10:11,343 --> 00:10:16,313
I just wish I could
just experience that
life just for once.
189
00:10:19,972 --> 00:10:21,698
What did Thoreau say?
190
00:10:21,733 --> 00:10:24,528
"Most men live lives
of quiet desperation."
191
00:10:26,910 --> 00:10:29,050
I don't wanna be most men.
192
00:10:29,085 --> 00:10:32,088
- Well, at least you're not
quiet about your desperation.
193
00:10:32,122 --> 00:10:34,918
- One year, we're
gonna live that life.
194
00:10:34,953 --> 00:10:36,851
We're gonna do all
those crazy wild things
195
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:39,095
that, that he does.
196
00:10:39,129 --> 00:10:40,061
We're gonna do it.
197
00:10:41,753 --> 00:10:43,030
And people are
gonna read about it
198
00:10:43,064 --> 00:10:45,929
and they're gonna
wish they we're us
199
00:10:45,964 --> 00:10:49,484
as opposed to us was
wishing we were them.
200
00:10:49,519 --> 00:10:54,489
[shutter clicking]
[optimistic music]
201
00:11:03,050 --> 00:11:04,189
Yeah.
202
00:11:04,223 --> 00:11:06,847
- Stop comparing
yourself to others.
203
00:11:06,881 --> 00:11:08,711
You've got it pretty
good right here.
204
00:11:09,988 --> 00:11:12,300
[phone ringing]
I'll get it.
205
00:11:12,335 --> 00:11:14,958
[tree stand whirring]
206
00:11:14,993 --> 00:11:17,202
- What is going on
with this thing?
207
00:11:17,236 --> 00:11:18,203
Is that smoke?
208
00:11:20,619 --> 00:11:21,689
- Hello.
209
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:23,518
- Deb Michaels. Is that you?
210
00:11:23,553 --> 00:11:25,797
- Clyde Hammersmith.
[ornaments smashing]
211
00:11:25,831 --> 00:11:28,523
Wow, we were just
talking about you.
212
00:11:28,558 --> 00:11:33,011
- Sorry. Signals here in
the Med are just atrocious.
213
00:11:33,045 --> 00:11:35,703
And the Greeks wonder
why things are so bad.
214
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:37,601
No decent 5G anyway.
215
00:11:37,636 --> 00:11:38,741
- Oh, what a shame.
216
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:44,125
- We've been trying all day
217
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,645
to get dinner reservations
at Oroscopo and no luck.
218
00:11:46,679 --> 00:11:47,991
- I know what you mean.
219
00:11:49,613 --> 00:11:51,615
- So have you received
our letter yet?
220
00:11:51,650 --> 00:11:54,826
- Yes. Joe, can't
stop talking about it.
221
00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:56,517
I can't wait to read it.
222
00:11:56,551 --> 00:11:58,346
- Yes. Brilliant.
223
00:11:58,381 --> 00:12:00,866
Full of great pics,
including some of me
224
00:12:00,901 --> 00:12:04,076
and my new tennis Daniel Craig.
225
00:12:04,111 --> 00:12:09,150
[tree stand whirring]
[ornaments shattering]
226
00:12:12,395 --> 00:12:15,639
Oh. And there's a
special surprise in
there for you and Joe.
227
00:12:15,674 --> 00:12:17,572
Hasn't he told you about it yet?
228
00:12:17,607 --> 00:12:20,644
- Uh, not yet.
- I won't spoil the surprise.
229
00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:21,991
But how is old Joe?
230
00:12:22,025 --> 00:12:24,856
Still chasing the big
money in advertising?
231
00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:27,306
- Yep. Always chasing.
232
00:12:27,341 --> 00:12:28,860
- Put that old dog on the line.
233
00:12:28,894 --> 00:12:30,689
I want to have a chat with him.
234
00:12:30,723 --> 00:12:31,897
- Hold on a second.
235
00:12:31,932 --> 00:12:36,315
[electricity zaps]
[window crashing]
236
00:12:36,350 --> 00:12:39,974
Clive, He'll call you back.
237
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:42,218
- Dad.
238
00:12:43,391 --> 00:12:45,393
- Oh!
- Is Dad okay?
239
00:12:46,498 --> 00:12:47,568
- He'll be fine.
240
00:12:49,052 --> 00:12:51,434
Once I find the receipt for
that rotating tree stand.
241
00:12:53,677 --> 00:12:55,507
♪ Jingle bells ♪
242
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:57,405
♪ Jingle bells ♪
243
00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,512
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
244
00:13:00,546 --> 00:13:03,377
♪ Oh, a fun it is to ride ♪
245
00:13:03,411 --> 00:13:07,001
♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh, hey ♪
246
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,451
- Don't you get sick
of playing that song?
247
00:13:08,485 --> 00:13:10,833
- Don't you ever get sick
of listening to Journey?
248
00:13:10,867 --> 00:13:12,938
- Hey, they got me through
a lot of tough times.
249
00:13:12,973 --> 00:13:15,354
- What? Puberty?
- Uh-huh.
250
00:13:15,389 --> 00:13:17,978
[Drew chuckles]
251
00:13:18,012 --> 00:13:19,186
- What you working on?
252
00:13:19,220 --> 00:13:20,739
- Oh, it's a itinerary
253
00:13:20,773 --> 00:13:24,156
for a whole year of family
activities and, and vacations.
254
00:13:24,191 --> 00:13:26,538
I'm, I'm gonna present
it to them at Christmas.
255
00:13:26,572 --> 00:13:27,746
- [inhales sharply]
Don't get caught
256
00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:29,299
doing that on company time.
257
00:13:29,334 --> 00:13:32,130
I, I hear they're looking to
make cuts before Christmas.
258
00:13:32,164 --> 00:13:33,786
- Yeah. I think
I'm gonna be okay.
259
00:13:33,821 --> 00:13:35,892
I'm not the one walking
around playing a ukulele.
260
00:13:35,927 --> 00:13:39,033
- But I'm hip and quirky
and companies love that.
261
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,863
It's like the new MBA.
262
00:13:40,897 --> 00:13:43,969
- The what?
- You're old school, man.
263
00:13:44,004 --> 00:13:45,971
Nobody cares about
good punctuation
264
00:13:46,006 --> 00:13:47,214
and grammar and spelling.
265
00:13:47,248 --> 00:13:49,872
It, it's all about
reaching your audience.
266
00:13:49,906 --> 00:13:53,496
And your audience is
young and hip and quirky.
267
00:13:53,530 --> 00:13:55,360
- You're 45 years old.
268
00:13:55,394 --> 00:13:56,982
- Yeah, but I don't act like it.
269
00:13:58,432 --> 00:14:00,710
So let's hear these big plans.
270
00:14:00,744 --> 00:14:02,677
- Really?
- Hmm.
271
00:14:02,712 --> 00:14:05,957
- All right, so this is gonna
really blow my wife's mind.
272
00:14:05,991 --> 00:14:07,855
I'm gonna take it
to the Chez Monet
273
00:14:07,890 --> 00:14:09,581
in Times Square
for New Year's Eve.
274
00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,686
- The Chez Monet?
- Yeah.
275
00:14:11,721 --> 00:14:13,550
- One meal there is
like a car payment.
276
00:14:13,585 --> 00:14:15,311
- I know. It's gonna
be great. [laughs]
277
00:14:15,345 --> 00:14:16,795
- What's that one?
278
00:14:16,829 --> 00:14:19,763
- This one? It's a golf
clinic with a golfing legend.
279
00:14:19,798 --> 00:14:21,731
Yeah.
- Hmm. A legend.
280
00:14:21,765 --> 00:14:22,870
Like who?
281
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:24,389
- Well, it's subject
to availability,
282
00:14:24,423 --> 00:14:27,875
but they do mention there
could be a one Tiger Woods.
283
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,877
- This says Tigger Woods.
284
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:31,396
- Yeah, it's a typo.
285
00:14:31,430 --> 00:14:33,398
But anyway, I got this guy
who sends me these letters.
286
00:14:33,432 --> 00:14:34,847
Anyway, it's a long story,
287
00:14:34,882 --> 00:14:37,264
but when he sees me playing
golf with Tiger Woods-
288
00:14:37,298 --> 00:14:39,852
- Tigger.
- he's gonna freak out.
289
00:14:39,887 --> 00:14:42,234
Oh, maybe Tiger's
gonna let me wear
290
00:14:42,269 --> 00:14:43,684
his green PGA jacket.
291
00:14:43,718 --> 00:14:45,306
That's gonna be so cool.
292
00:14:45,341 --> 00:14:47,170
- Yeah, you'll be
wearing a jacket,
293
00:14:47,205 --> 00:14:49,000
but it ain't gonna be green.
294
00:14:49,034 --> 00:14:51,209
- Oh, well-
[phone ringing]
295
00:14:51,243 --> 00:14:52,451
Hello. This is Joe.
296
00:14:53,694 --> 00:14:55,489
Sure. I, I, I'll
be there in a sec.
297
00:14:56,524 --> 00:14:57,801
That was HR.
298
00:14:57,836 --> 00:14:59,527
Just gonna go down there
for a quick meeting.
299
00:14:59,562 --> 00:15:02,323
- Ooh, HR? Want me to
pack some boxes for you?
300
00:15:02,358 --> 00:15:03,738
- No, it's not gonna
be anything like that.
301
00:15:03,773 --> 00:15:04,843
It's probably they wanna talk
302
00:15:04,877 --> 00:15:06,707
to me about that
community project.
303
00:15:06,741 --> 00:15:08,985
And besides if anyone's
gonna be packing boxes,
304
00:15:09,020 --> 00:15:11,608
it's gonna be you,
walking around playing
that stupid thing.
305
00:15:11,643 --> 00:15:12,885
- Did you not hear
anything I said
306
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,335
about being hip and quirky?
307
00:15:15,405 --> 00:15:16,924
- Anyway. Forget about it.
308
00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:17,925
I'll be back soon.
309
00:15:19,340 --> 00:15:21,377
♪ Jingle bells ♪
310
00:15:21,411 --> 00:15:23,310
♪ Jingle bells ♪
311
00:15:23,344 --> 00:15:26,347
[grand festive music]
312
00:15:26,382 --> 00:15:28,039
- I can see you're in shock.
313
00:15:29,419 --> 00:15:31,766
♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly ♪
314
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:34,838
- You see, Joe, corporate
says we're failing
315
00:15:34,873 --> 00:15:36,737
to reach the younger
internet crowd.
316
00:15:38,221 --> 00:15:40,568
We need people who
can relate to them.
317
00:15:40,603 --> 00:15:41,880
People who could reach them
318
00:15:41,914 --> 00:15:45,677
in a hip and quirky
kinda way. [giggles]
319
00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:47,920
And for less money, of course.
320
00:15:47,955 --> 00:15:49,819
- I- I- I can play the jug.
321
00:15:49,853 --> 00:15:52,753
I mean, is that hip
and quirky enough?
322
00:15:52,787 --> 00:15:55,825
♪ See the blazing
yule before us ♪
323
00:15:55,859 --> 00:15:59,035
- So do you wanna go out the
front door or the back door?
324
00:15:59,070 --> 00:16:00,278
- What are you talking about?
325
00:16:00,312 --> 00:16:02,280
- We like to give
newly-separated assets,
326
00:16:02,314 --> 00:16:03,557
in this case, you,
327
00:16:03,591 --> 00:16:05,455
a choice as to whether
he or she wants
328
00:16:05,490 --> 00:16:08,113
to avoid being seen
by former coworkers.
329
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:11,047
- Hey, Linda.
- Hi, Drew.
330
00:16:11,082 --> 00:16:14,361
You're looking great.
- So are you. [chuckles]
331
00:16:14,395 --> 00:16:15,638
- Oh, I get it.
332
00:16:15,672 --> 00:16:17,985
You don't want me to
make a scene, freak out?
333
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:19,849
That's why you want me
to go out the back door?
334
00:16:19,883 --> 00:16:21,299
- The company would prefer it.
335
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:23,370
- Well, since the company's
already backdoored me,
336
00:16:23,404 --> 00:16:25,579
I would like to go out the
front door, if that's okay.
337
00:16:25,613 --> 00:16:27,753
♪ Don we now, our gay apparel ♪
338
00:16:27,788 --> 00:16:30,204
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
339
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,517
♪ Troll the ancient
Yuletide carol ♪
340
00:16:32,551 --> 00:16:36,969
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
341
00:16:37,004 --> 00:16:39,248
♪ Fast away, the
old year passes ♪
342
00:16:39,282 --> 00:16:41,802
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
343
00:16:41,836 --> 00:16:44,080
♪ Hail the new, ye
lads and lasses ♪
344
00:16:44,115 --> 00:16:46,427
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
345
00:16:46,462 --> 00:16:48,981
♪ Sing we joyous all together ♪
346
00:16:49,016 --> 00:16:51,501
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
347
00:16:51,536 --> 00:16:54,366
[elevator dings]
348
00:17:01,028 --> 00:17:04,273
- Oh, man. Really?
- Yep. I'm afraid so.
349
00:17:05,929 --> 00:17:08,449
- Sorry man. We'll
miss you around here.
350
00:17:08,484 --> 00:17:09,968
- Yeah. Yeah.
351
00:17:10,002 --> 00:17:11,556
Look, don't worry about that.
352
00:17:12,626 --> 00:17:14,593
How's your, uh, house
situation going?
353
00:17:14,628 --> 00:17:18,010
- Fell through again. We just
don't qualify for a mortgage.
354
00:17:18,045 --> 00:17:20,565
- Man, that ain't right. Sorry.
355
00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:23,844
- It all works out.
Just keep the faith.
356
00:17:23,878 --> 00:17:25,017
- Ahem.
357
00:17:25,052 --> 00:17:28,090
♪ Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
358
00:17:28,124 --> 00:17:30,954
- Let us know if you
have any questions.
359
00:17:30,989 --> 00:17:33,233
We'll be in touch
with severance papers.
360
00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:36,132
Merry Christmas! [guffaws]
361
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:40,274
[upbeat festive music continues]
362
00:17:48,903 --> 00:17:53,080
[upbeat festive music continues]
363
00:17:57,533 --> 00:18:00,363
[blower whirring]
364
00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:09,821
- I can't believe they did this
365
00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:11,650
to you right before Christmas.
366
00:18:12,479 --> 00:18:13,480
- Yeah.
367
00:18:13,514 --> 00:18:16,138
Human resources love Christmas.
368
00:18:17,622 --> 00:18:20,866
Especially love their
Christmas firing carols like
369
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:23,766
♪ I'll be homeless
for Christmas ♪
370
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:24,801
Or their other one.
371
00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:26,976
♪ Santa isn't coming to town ♪
372
00:18:27,010 --> 00:18:29,392
♪ San- ♪
- Santa isn't coming to town?
373
00:18:29,427 --> 00:18:30,945
- Uh- no.
374
00:18:30,980 --> 00:18:33,189
- Oh, sweetie. He is.
- Yeah.
375
00:18:33,224 --> 00:18:35,467
- It's just, daddy got the
name of that song wrong.
376
00:18:35,502 --> 00:18:37,228
That's all.
- Yeah.
377
00:18:37,262 --> 00:18:38,953
- Yeah. Go ahead,
go back to bed.
378
00:18:40,576 --> 00:18:43,268
[both sigh]
379
00:18:43,303 --> 00:18:45,684
Look, I know this is tough,
380
00:18:45,719 --> 00:18:48,170
but please don't ruin
the holiday for the kids.
381
00:18:50,344 --> 00:18:51,207
- Okay.
382
00:18:53,589 --> 00:18:55,487
- Get some sleep.
383
00:18:55,522 --> 00:18:59,974
Tomorrow's a new day.
384
00:19:00,009 --> 00:19:03,495
[Joe exhales concernedly]
385
00:19:08,017 --> 00:19:11,089
[downtrodden music]
386
00:19:20,063 --> 00:19:22,894
- Ooh, tough break, buddy.
387
00:19:22,928 --> 00:19:27,968
But just remember, don't stop
believing. [laughs mockingly]
388
00:19:32,386 --> 00:19:36,321
- Joe! This is Dylan,
your replacement. [laughs]
389
00:19:36,356 --> 00:19:37,529
He's a millennial.
390
00:19:37,564 --> 00:19:40,014
Half your age, half your salary.
391
00:19:40,049 --> 00:19:44,433
People love his blog and
he is a master with emojis.
392
00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:47,021
[both cackle]
393
00:19:56,962 --> 00:20:00,587
- Oh, well, tough luck,
Michaels. Onward steed.
394
00:20:00,621 --> 00:20:03,486
[hooves clopping]
395
00:20:08,698 --> 00:20:11,253
[Deb snoring]
396
00:20:21,297 --> 00:20:24,576
[soft concerned music]
397
00:20:28,787 --> 00:20:30,202
- You'll be fine.
398
00:20:33,965 --> 00:20:38,452
- I, um, I cashed in my 401k.
399
00:20:39,626 --> 00:20:40,420
- Excuse me?
400
00:20:41,904 --> 00:20:43,526
- That's the only
way we can finance
401
00:20:43,561 --> 00:20:45,010
the year of the Michaels.
402
00:20:47,634 --> 00:20:49,360
- What are you talking about?
403
00:20:49,394 --> 00:20:52,846
- A whole year of family fun
and excitement and adventure
404
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:55,158
so we can write the
ultimate Christmas letter.
405
00:20:55,193 --> 00:20:56,470
- Wait a minute.
406
00:20:56,505 --> 00:20:59,956
You lost your job
and just cashed in on
407
00:20:59,991 --> 00:21:03,546
the one thing standing between
us and a homeless shelter?
408
00:21:03,581 --> 00:21:06,411
All so you could write your
own narcissistic newsletter?
409
00:21:06,446 --> 00:21:08,310
- Our narcissistic letter.
- Oh, f...
410
00:21:08,344 --> 00:21:10,519
- And it's only gonna
work if we give it 110%.
411
00:21:10,553 --> 00:21:12,348
- Why didn't you talk
to me about this?
412
00:21:12,383 --> 00:21:15,213
How we spend our money
should be a mutual decision.
413
00:21:15,247 --> 00:21:17,733
- We never had a discussion
about all the shoes you buy.
414
00:21:17,767 --> 00:21:20,391
I mean, how many did you
buy last year? 45 pairs.
415
00:21:20,425 --> 00:21:22,669
- That's for when we do
something special someday.
416
00:21:22,703 --> 00:21:24,153
- Exactly.
417
00:21:24,187 --> 00:21:26,293
I was gonna wait till
Christmas to give you this.
418
00:21:26,328 --> 00:21:28,985
[tender music]
419
00:21:31,712 --> 00:21:32,610
- Joe.
420
00:21:40,238 --> 00:21:41,791
We don't ski.
421
00:21:41,826 --> 00:21:43,206
- Y- I mean...
422
00:21:43,241 --> 00:21:44,518
- Squirrels on YouTube
do it better than you.
423
00:21:44,553 --> 00:21:46,140
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, but we'll learn.
424
00:21:46,175 --> 00:21:47,418
I mean, that's the whole point
425
00:21:47,452 --> 00:21:49,281
of doing these fun
family things, you know?
426
00:21:49,316 --> 00:21:51,111
- [sighs] Chez Monet?
427
00:21:51,145 --> 00:21:52,733
- Yeah. [laughs] Right?
428
00:21:52,768 --> 00:21:53,596
- Bahamas?
429
00:21:53,631 --> 00:21:54,942
Yes.
- Oh!
430
00:21:54,977 --> 00:21:57,393
- It'll be awesome.
- Wait, Tigger Woods.
431
00:21:57,428 --> 00:21:58,843
- Eh, that's a typo.
432
00:22:00,776 --> 00:22:02,812
- Tiger Woods?
- Yes.
433
00:22:02,847 --> 00:22:03,744
The one and only.
434
00:22:05,401 --> 00:22:06,644
- We can't afford this.
435
00:22:06,678 --> 00:22:08,508
- The, the 401k will
finance the whole thing.
436
00:22:08,542 --> 00:22:10,026
- Joe, our savings.
437
00:22:10,061 --> 00:22:12,028
- Ah, it's gonna
be fine. Trust me.
438
00:22:14,099 --> 00:22:17,275
- Oh, I don't know.
[door knocking]
439
00:22:17,309 --> 00:22:20,658
- Oh, it's gonna be
great, I'll be there.
440
00:22:20,692 --> 00:22:21,900
It's good.
441
00:22:21,935 --> 00:22:24,800
[mischievous music]
442
00:22:24,834 --> 00:22:26,318
What are doing, Rich?
443
00:22:26,353 --> 00:22:27,941
- Merry Christmas!
444
00:22:27,975 --> 00:22:30,944
[bright festive music]
445
00:22:30,978 --> 00:22:33,395
- What better way to start
the year of the Michaels
446
00:22:33,429 --> 00:22:36,018
than a Norman
Rockwell-esque sleigh ride
447
00:22:36,052 --> 00:22:37,260
on Christmas morning.
448
00:22:38,434 --> 00:22:42,645
- But Dad, I wanna
play with my toys.
449
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,027
- Yeah, Dad. It's
Christmas morning.
450
00:22:45,061 --> 00:22:46,822
I didn't even get
to open my Legos.
451
00:22:48,202 --> 00:22:49,583
- Joe. This is nice.
452
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:52,068
But if you wanted to be
like Norman Rockwell,
453
00:22:52,103 --> 00:22:54,416
I could have just
gotten you some paints.
454
00:22:54,450 --> 00:22:55,693
- [Joe] Why look at a painting
455
00:22:55,727 --> 00:22:57,522
when you could experience
the real thing.
456
00:22:57,557 --> 00:22:59,075
Well, here it is.
457
00:22:59,110 --> 00:23:02,838
♪ It is to ride on a
one-horse open sleigh, hey ♪
458
00:23:02,872 --> 00:23:07,912
♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪
459
00:23:11,294 --> 00:23:12,468
- Where are the horses?
460
00:23:13,331 --> 00:23:14,470
Where's all the snow?
461
00:23:14,505 --> 00:23:16,921
- Uh, I don't know.
462
00:23:16,955 --> 00:23:18,750
[Deb sighs]
- Oh, It'll be fine.
463
00:23:18,785 --> 00:23:20,131
It'll be fun. Come on.
464
00:23:20,165 --> 00:23:22,961
Let's, uh, let's go have
a sleigh ride, meet Santa.
465
00:23:25,239 --> 00:23:26,206
Be great.
466
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,138
[Caroline gasps]
[hopeful music]
467
00:23:27,172 --> 00:23:28,622
Yeah.
468
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:29,520
- Santa!
469
00:23:32,419 --> 00:23:34,766
[discouraging music]
470
00:23:34,801 --> 00:23:36,181
- Merry Christmas.
471
00:23:37,424 --> 00:23:40,496
Name's Frederick Santa.
472
00:23:40,531 --> 00:23:43,085
You must be my 10:00
am special appointment.
473
00:23:43,119 --> 00:23:44,673
Mighty adventurous of you, man.
474
00:23:44,707 --> 00:23:47,227
Coming out on Christmas
for a big holiday hunt.
475
00:23:48,021 --> 00:23:49,505
Let's get it on.
476
00:23:49,540 --> 00:23:50,402
- Hunt?
477
00:23:51,783 --> 00:23:54,993
- Yeah, it'll be like the Easter
egg hunt, candy cane hunt.
478
00:23:55,028 --> 00:23:56,823
Anyway, l- l- let's
go. Let's get going.
479
00:23:59,826 --> 00:24:01,759
[gentle music]
480
00:24:01,793 --> 00:24:02,691
- Uh, Mom?
481
00:24:03,761 --> 00:24:06,177
[worrisome music]
482
00:24:06,211 --> 00:24:07,109
- Joe.
483
00:24:08,248 --> 00:24:09,870
- Is this supposed
to be a sleigh ride?
484
00:24:09,905 --> 00:24:12,217
- Yep. Slay Rides Incorporated.
485
00:24:13,046 --> 00:24:14,461
We kill 'em, you grill 'em.
486
00:24:15,358 --> 00:24:16,670
Now let's go find Rudolph
487
00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:18,914
and get us some fresh
Christmas venison, huh?
488
00:24:18,948 --> 00:24:21,641
- Daddy, what's venison?
489
00:24:21,675 --> 00:24:24,885
- Oh, it's, a, it's a
little town in Italy.
490
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,231
We'll go there one day.
491
00:24:26,266 --> 00:24:28,855
It's, they make
pizzas and stuff.
492
00:24:29,890 --> 00:24:30,926
- Ho-ho-hold on.
493
00:24:32,375 --> 00:24:33,825
- This'll be fun.
494
00:24:33,860 --> 00:24:36,552
[all screaming]
495
00:24:38,071 --> 00:24:43,110
- Poor Rudolph.
[dark music]
496
00:24:43,835 --> 00:24:45,492
[Deb exhales sharply]
497
00:24:45,527 --> 00:24:47,667
- [Deb] Guys, go
wash your hands.
498
00:24:47,701 --> 00:24:48,978
- [Caroline] Yes, mommy.
499
00:24:49,013 --> 00:24:53,949
- So, uh, I'll just, uh,
500
00:24:53,983 --> 00:24:55,467
put this under the tree then?
501
00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:01,266
[mouse clicking]
502
00:25:06,651 --> 00:25:09,689
[keyboard clacking]
503
00:25:15,936 --> 00:25:18,421
- Yes, Dad. We're fine.
504
00:25:20,389 --> 00:25:21,286
What?
505
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:24,186
Yeah, he's right here.
506
00:25:26,222 --> 00:25:27,499
He wants to talk to you.
507
00:25:28,466 --> 00:25:30,848
[Joe sighs]
508
00:25:32,401 --> 00:25:33,747
- Hi, Tony.
509
00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:37,613
- Heard you bagged Rudolph
on Christmas day. Nice.
510
00:25:37,648 --> 00:25:41,099
Thanks for traumatizing
my daughter and grandkids.
511
00:25:41,134 --> 00:25:42,756
Wanna mount my head on the wall?
512
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:44,344
- Oh, actually, yeah,
513
00:25:44,378 --> 00:25:46,242
but I think you have
to be dead first, but-
514
00:25:46,277 --> 00:25:48,175
- Oh, Joe. Gimme that.
515
00:25:48,210 --> 00:25:50,695
Dad? Yeah, I'm sorry.
516
00:25:50,730 --> 00:25:54,181
I know, I know. Okay.
517
00:25:55,597 --> 00:25:58,530
I love you too. Merry Christmas.
518
00:26:01,188 --> 00:26:02,949
- Well, it was, uh,
nice of Frederick
519
00:26:02,983 --> 00:26:04,882
to process all that
venison for us.
520
00:26:04,916 --> 00:26:08,886
And he even gave us a
box of reindeer jerky.
521
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:10,646
- What the hell
were you thinking?
522
00:26:11,682 --> 00:26:13,166
- Well, you don't wanna let
523
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,858
a little mishap spoil our
Christmas fun. [chuckles]
524
00:26:15,893 --> 00:26:17,411
- Fun?
525
00:26:17,446 --> 00:26:20,967
That head was eating berries
no less than 24 hours ago.
526
00:26:22,900 --> 00:26:26,835
- Um, look, can I
make it up to you
527
00:26:26,869 --> 00:26:29,665
with a another
Christmas surprise?
528
00:26:29,700 --> 00:26:33,669
- Oh, what's next,
a taxidermy elf?
529
00:26:33,704 --> 00:26:35,429
- [chuckles] No.
530
00:26:37,017 --> 00:26:41,090
We're going to
England next summer.
531
00:26:41,125 --> 00:26:42,885
- What are you talking about?
532
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:44,507
- Didn't you read
Clive's letter?
533
00:26:44,542 --> 00:26:45,819
- I couldn't get past the part
534
00:26:45,854 --> 00:26:47,994
about having tea with
Sir Paul McCartney.
535
00:26:48,028 --> 00:26:49,823
- Oh no, there was,
there was a P.S.
536
00:26:49,858 --> 00:26:53,137
and he was inviting us all
to his big birthday bash
537
00:26:53,171 --> 00:26:55,001
next summer in the UK.
538
00:26:55,035 --> 00:26:58,832
And it's gonna be like
bow ties and black ties
539
00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:02,249
and champagne and
caviar and dignitaries
540
00:27:02,284 --> 00:27:04,010
and all that kind of stuff.
541
00:27:04,044 --> 00:27:05,839
So I thought, "Hey, why not?"
542
00:27:05,874 --> 00:27:08,946
So I booked a ticket and
RSVP'd and away we go.
543
00:27:08,980 --> 00:27:10,292
Wh- what do you think?
544
00:27:10,326 --> 00:27:14,296
- You want to go to a
party for the very man
545
00:27:14,330 --> 00:27:17,782
whose Christmas letter
drives you crazy each year?
546
00:27:17,817 --> 00:27:20,923
A party for the man who
will likely put this event
547
00:27:20,958 --> 00:27:22,614
in next year's letter.
548
00:27:22,649 --> 00:27:23,892
- Yeah, absolutely.
549
00:27:23,926 --> 00:27:26,929
'Cause then We can write
about it in our letter.
550
00:27:26,964 --> 00:27:30,001
What a way to steal his thunder.
551
00:27:30,036 --> 00:27:31,623
It's gonna be brilliant, hey?
552
00:27:31,658 --> 00:27:32,797
[laughs] Oh yes.
553
00:27:36,456 --> 00:27:38,630
- I see you truly
value his friendship.
554
00:27:41,357 --> 00:27:46,431
- I think it's gonna be good.
555
00:27:47,501 --> 00:27:51,471
[bright music]
[keyboard clacking]
556
00:27:51,505 --> 00:27:52,403
- Hey, everyone.
557
00:27:52,437 --> 00:27:53,956
Bryan Deacrest here with you
558
00:27:53,991 --> 00:27:56,683
to celebrate another New Year's
Rompin' Eve in Times Square.
559
00:27:56,718 --> 00:27:57,960
Tonight, we're outside
560
00:27:57,995 --> 00:28:00,273
the inimitable Chez
Monet French restaurant,
561
00:28:00,307 --> 00:28:02,033
under new management,
by the way.
562
00:28:02,068 --> 00:28:03,897
Where everyone who's anyone
563
00:28:03,932 --> 00:28:05,899
will be enjoying
sumptuous dining,
564
00:28:05,934 --> 00:28:08,730
fine music, and a
Rompin' Eve tradition:
565
00:28:08,764 --> 00:28:11,215
the midnight pressing
of the ceremonial button
566
00:28:11,249 --> 00:28:13,320
that lowers the famous ball.
567
00:28:13,355 --> 00:28:16,254
[energetic music]
568
00:28:22,019 --> 00:28:23,227
- But this is my best suit.
569
00:28:23,261 --> 00:28:25,332
- I'm sorry, sir.
Those are the rules.
570
00:28:25,367 --> 00:28:27,679
- I mean, we had a
reservation for 6:30.
571
00:28:27,714 --> 00:28:29,302
I wanna speak to the manager.
572
00:28:29,336 --> 00:28:31,200
- You mean the general manager?
573
00:28:31,235 --> 00:28:32,236
Yeah, that'd be moi.
574
00:28:32,270 --> 00:28:34,928
- Oh, bonjour.
- Bonsoir.
575
00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:37,103
I'm Norm de Plume,
the general manager.
576
00:28:37,137 --> 00:28:38,760
This is Chez Monet.
577
00:28:38,794 --> 00:28:41,452
Where everything is
fine and beautiful
578
00:28:41,486 --> 00:28:44,351
and the music's good and
the food is sumptuous.
579
00:28:44,386 --> 00:28:46,112
But you're not dressed right.
580
00:28:46,146 --> 00:28:49,667
And I can't let people
dressed like you in here.
581
00:28:49,701 --> 00:28:51,324
I'm sorry. I hope
you understand.
582
00:28:51,358 --> 00:28:53,844
- Uh, is this even
a French restaurant?
583
00:28:53,878 --> 00:28:55,466
I mean, are you even French?
584
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:58,469
- No. Thanks for asking.
585
00:28:58,503 --> 00:29:00,298
- W- what about my reservation?
586
00:29:00,333 --> 00:29:01,955
- Didn't she tell you
about the dress code?
587
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,508
- Yeah, yeah. She did, she did.
588
00:29:03,543 --> 00:29:04,475
- Okay, good.
589
00:29:04,509 --> 00:29:05,717
Well, know you look just great
590
00:29:05,752 --> 00:29:08,617
for a high school
reunion, let's say,
591
00:29:08,651 --> 00:29:10,274
Moose Club in Paramus.
592
00:29:11,585 --> 00:29:13,001
Did you show him the rules?
- Yes. I, uh, okay.
593
00:29:13,035 --> 00:29:14,381
Again.
- Yes.
594
00:29:14,416 --> 00:29:17,557
- Section three, paragraph
four specifically states
595
00:29:17,591 --> 00:29:20,629
that we will not serve
any man, woman, or child
596
00:29:20,663 --> 00:29:23,839
who's not wearing attire
befitting the establishment.
597
00:29:23,874 --> 00:29:27,429
I-
- Excuse me, sir.
598
00:29:27,463 --> 00:29:28,292
- Sir?
- What?
599
00:29:28,326 --> 00:29:29,603
- Is there a problem?
600
00:29:30,673 --> 00:29:32,848
There must be some
misunderstanding.
601
00:29:32,883 --> 00:29:37,749
Ah, oh, see Deb and
Joe Michaels 6:30.
602
00:29:37,784 --> 00:29:39,303
- Oh.
603
00:29:39,337 --> 00:29:41,961
But, you know, we can't just,
604
00:29:41,995 --> 00:29:47,035
you are just very pr- p- pretty.
605
00:29:48,933 --> 00:29:50,452
You're a lucky devil.
606
00:29:51,315 --> 00:29:52,834
As lovely as you are,
607
00:29:52,868 --> 00:29:55,077
I can't let your husband
dine here tonight.
608
00:29:56,665 --> 00:29:57,735
- Why not?
609
00:29:57,769 --> 00:29:59,771
- At Chez Monet we
have rules like,
610
00:29:59,806 --> 00:30:01,773
you need a proper dinner suit.
611
00:30:01,808 --> 00:30:04,742
- What? Like a tuxedo?
- Not like a tuxedo.
612
00:30:04,776 --> 00:30:06,571
A real tuxedo.
613
00:30:06,606 --> 00:30:09,540
Like a one-button
mohair by Brioni.
614
00:30:09,574 --> 00:30:10,990
- Oh yeah. Brioni
would be a good one.
615
00:30:11,024 --> 00:30:12,163
- The rules are the rules.
616
00:30:12,198 --> 00:30:13,751
If I made an exception,
617
00:30:13,785 --> 00:30:15,926
I'd have the let in
the whole hoi polloi.
618
00:30:17,134 --> 00:30:18,376
- We had a reservation here
619
00:30:18,411 --> 00:30:20,206
and we're not gonna
leave until we're seated
620
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:22,794
buying some, something expensive
621
00:30:22,829 --> 00:30:24,037
and celebrating the New Year's.
622
00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:28,041
- Well if I may, we
may have an option
623
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:29,767
if you'd be amenable to it.
624
00:30:29,801 --> 00:30:30,664
- Sure, if I must.
- You know what?
625
00:30:30,699 --> 00:30:33,495
We can rent you a tuxedo.
626
00:30:33,529 --> 00:30:37,775
Our selection is quite
limited, but we have some.
627
00:30:37,809 --> 00:30:39,259
- All right. How much is it?
628
00:30:40,467 --> 00:30:41,779
- 300.
- $300.
629
00:30:41,813 --> 00:30:44,437
- 300? That's our whole
budget for the evening.
630
00:30:44,471 --> 00:30:46,888
- What were they gonna
order? Bread and water.
631
00:30:46,922 --> 00:30:50,201
[Norm laughs]
A crouton?
632
00:30:52,203 --> 00:30:55,172
[prim music]
- More?
633
00:30:55,206 --> 00:30:57,036
- Yeah, uh, uh, garcon?
634
00:30:57,070 --> 00:30:59,176
Garconesse, or whatever.
635
00:30:59,210 --> 00:31:00,004
- Sir?
636
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:02,973
- Another round of
your finest bread.
637
00:31:04,215 --> 00:31:05,734
- Can I get you anything else?
638
00:31:05,768 --> 00:31:10,773
Uh, some dessert, some
bread pudding perhaps?
639
00:31:11,982 --> 00:31:13,431
- No, just the bread's fine.
640
00:31:22,302 --> 00:31:24,580
[bread crunches]
641
00:31:24,615 --> 00:31:25,478
- Sir.
642
00:31:27,963 --> 00:31:29,689
They've requested more bread.
643
00:31:31,518 --> 00:31:32,899
- How about the day-old?
644
00:31:37,421 --> 00:31:39,112
[bread crunches]
645
00:31:39,147 --> 00:31:40,010
Perfect.
646
00:31:45,118 --> 00:31:45,947
- Do you see that?
647
00:31:46,844 --> 00:31:49,122
Is that a Rolex?
- Ooh.
648
00:31:49,157 --> 00:31:50,227
Do we get one too?
649
00:31:50,261 --> 00:31:51,435
- Yeah, I think we do.
650
00:31:52,367 --> 00:31:53,851
I think they're giving them out.
651
00:31:56,716 --> 00:31:58,925
- What is this, your
10th bread basket?
652
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,445
- Can we get one of
those goody bags?
653
00:32:01,479 --> 00:32:05,207
- Oh, I'm afraid you
don't get one now.
654
00:32:05,242 --> 00:32:06,968
- Why not? We're patrons.
655
00:32:07,002 --> 00:32:09,039
- You ate free bread all night.
656
00:32:09,073 --> 00:32:10,972
I'm sorry. Now if
you'll excuse me.
657
00:32:13,043 --> 00:32:15,390
- What's a French word
for a guy like that?
658
00:32:15,424 --> 00:32:18,358
- Douche.
- Yeah. Le douche.
659
00:32:19,290 --> 00:32:21,983
[subdued music]
660
00:32:30,992 --> 00:32:34,547
[subdued music continues]
661
00:32:43,004 --> 00:32:46,559
[subdued music continues]
662
00:32:55,533 --> 00:32:58,985
[subdued music continues]
663
00:33:02,092 --> 00:33:04,956
[patron chuckles]
664
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:09,306
- Oh Joe, I'm sorry.
665
00:33:10,583 --> 00:33:11,998
- You know what?
666
00:33:12,033 --> 00:33:15,553
I'm not gonna let anybody
ruin this night. Okay?
667
00:33:17,969 --> 00:33:19,833
Have I told you that I love you?
668
00:33:19,868 --> 00:33:21,145
- Mm-hmm.
669
00:33:21,180 --> 00:33:23,734
Last week when I took
in the garbage cans.
670
00:33:23,768 --> 00:33:25,149
- Oh yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Joe!
671
00:33:29,809 --> 00:33:33,640
- [Crowd] Ten,
nine, eight, seven
672
00:33:33,675 --> 00:33:36,850
six, five, four,
673
00:33:36,885 --> 00:33:39,405
[crowd clamoring]
three, two, one.
674
00:33:39,439 --> 00:33:43,271
[fireworks whistle]
[crowd cheers]
675
00:33:43,305 --> 00:33:46,757
[cheerful festive music]
676
00:33:54,661 --> 00:33:56,456
- Happy New Year! Go!
677
00:33:57,871 --> 00:34:00,598
- Stop them! Stop those people!
678
00:34:00,633 --> 00:34:03,049
- Idiots. It's only 9:45.
679
00:34:03,877 --> 00:34:07,088
[fireworks crackling]
680
00:34:08,261 --> 00:34:10,332
- Hi Mr. Clark. Oh my Gosh.
681
00:34:10,367 --> 00:34:11,299
Where you been?
682
00:34:11,333 --> 00:34:12,852
Happy New Year. Muah!
683
00:34:12,886 --> 00:34:14,164
Happy New Year.
684
00:34:16,649 --> 00:34:18,616
- I cannot find my phone.
685
00:34:18,651 --> 00:34:19,893
Deb, Deb, I need your phone.
686
00:34:19,928 --> 00:34:21,240
Quick, quickly.
- What? What are you doing?
687
00:34:21,274 --> 00:34:23,034
You gonna tear us apart.
- No. It's gonna be great.
688
00:34:23,069 --> 00:34:24,933
Excuse me. Can we get
a selfie with you?
689
00:34:24,967 --> 00:34:25,899
- Sure.
- Oh, thank you.
690
00:34:25,934 --> 00:34:27,211
- Why not?
- All right.
691
00:34:27,246 --> 00:34:28,764
- It's not like I don't
have any time to kill.
692
00:34:28,799 --> 00:34:31,181
- Cheese.
[shutter clicking]
693
00:34:31,215 --> 00:34:32,975
Huge fan. I love of you
on "American Band Stand."
694
00:34:33,010 --> 00:34:35,046
You are great. All right.
695
00:34:36,117 --> 00:34:37,808
- I bet this never
happened to Dick.
696
00:34:39,327 --> 00:34:43,124
[phone buzzing rhythmically]
697
00:34:48,957 --> 00:34:52,340
- Hello?
- Joe?
698
00:34:52,374 --> 00:34:53,858
- No.
- Oh, I, oh.
699
00:34:56,585 --> 00:34:58,518
I'm looking for Joe Michaels.
700
00:34:58,553 --> 00:35:00,002
- Oh yeah. Right.
701
00:35:00,037 --> 00:35:01,245
I'm afraid the Michaels
702
00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:03,247
are thankfully no
longer in this building.
703
00:35:04,145 --> 00:35:05,215
- Oh.
- So.
704
00:35:05,249 --> 00:35:08,045
- Well, I, I heard
he was coming in
705
00:35:08,079 --> 00:35:09,909
to the big city tonight.
706
00:35:10,910 --> 00:35:12,981
I guess I missed
a hell of a party.
707
00:35:13,015 --> 00:35:14,810
- Ah, you could say that, yeah.
708
00:35:16,122 --> 00:35:18,538
Now I'm afraid I don't
wish to help you anymore.
709
00:35:18,573 --> 00:35:21,196
I hope you have a
very happy New Year.
710
00:35:21,231 --> 00:35:22,542
- Wait, wait, wait,
711
00:35:22,577 --> 00:35:24,130
wait, wait, wait.
- What, what, what, what?
712
00:35:24,165 --> 00:35:28,824
- Could you tell him about the
package? My package for Joe.
713
00:35:29,653 --> 00:35:30,861
See, I missed it on my route
714
00:35:30,895 --> 00:35:35,003
and well now it's,
it's leaking and...
715
00:35:35,037 --> 00:35:36,107
- I'm sure it is.
716
00:35:36,142 --> 00:35:38,972
I'll be sure not
to let them know.
717
00:35:40,457 --> 00:35:42,493
- He'll, uh, he'll
find it tomorrow.
718
00:35:45,116 --> 00:35:48,603
Looks like you've got a
pretty nice place there.
719
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:51,019
- Bloody hell.
720
00:35:54,471 --> 00:35:59,234
- Dining and dashing.
I feel so dirty.
721
00:35:59,269 --> 00:36:01,132
We turned Times Square
into a ghost town
722
00:36:01,167 --> 00:36:02,203
on New Year's Eve.
723
00:36:02,237 --> 00:36:03,342
Who does that?
724
00:36:03,376 --> 00:36:05,896
- Well, Times Square
is so overrated.
725
00:36:05,930 --> 00:36:07,380
Besides, there's nowhere to pee.
726
00:36:07,415 --> 00:36:08,726
Sorry. Correction.
727
00:36:09,865 --> 00:36:12,282
I did see someone
peeing in a mailbox.
728
00:36:12,316 --> 00:36:14,939
In fact, I saw a lot
of people peeing.
729
00:36:16,113 --> 00:36:17,666
And we didn't even dine
we just had some bread.
730
00:36:17,701 --> 00:36:19,599
It was fine.
- Then why did we dash?
731
00:36:20,945 --> 00:36:22,119
- Uh...
732
00:36:22,153 --> 00:36:23,500
- Wouldn't have anything
733
00:36:23,534 --> 00:36:26,641
to do with that Rolex on
your wrist now, would it?
734
00:36:26,675 --> 00:36:28,919
- Well, I mean, you
have one as well.
735
00:36:28,953 --> 00:36:30,265
- I'm not wearing it.
736
00:36:31,093 --> 00:36:32,336
- Well, look, besides,
737
00:36:32,371 --> 00:36:33,855
I mean all those people
at that restaurant,
738
00:36:33,889 --> 00:36:35,305
that this means nothing to them.
739
00:36:35,339 --> 00:36:36,961
It's like a pair
of socks to them.
740
00:36:36,996 --> 00:36:39,757
- A very expensive
pair of socks.
741
00:36:39,792 --> 00:36:42,381
[Joe sighs]
742
00:36:42,415 --> 00:36:44,797
[phone ringing]
743
00:36:44,831 --> 00:36:46,557
- Your phone's ringing.
744
00:36:48,110 --> 00:36:49,008
Ah.
745
00:36:52,287 --> 00:36:53,357
Hello?
746
00:36:53,392 --> 00:36:54,324
- Oh, it's you.
747
00:36:54,358 --> 00:36:55,463
Heard you got yourself a pair
748
00:36:55,497 --> 00:36:57,327
of hot watches the other night.
749
00:36:57,361 --> 00:37:00,433
Thanks for making
my daughter a felon.
750
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,573
What are planning
next? A homicide.
751
00:37:06,025 --> 00:37:07,475
Joe, you there?
752
00:37:07,509 --> 00:37:08,993
- Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
753
00:37:09,028 --> 00:37:11,513
Yeah, I'm here. I was just
trying to do something else.
754
00:37:11,548 --> 00:37:14,067
- Get my daughter on the phone.
755
00:37:14,102 --> 00:37:15,276
- Who is it?
- Grampus.
756
00:37:16,656 --> 00:37:18,313
No, I mean Grandpa.
757
00:37:19,728 --> 00:37:20,936
Is your mom around?
758
00:37:20,971 --> 00:37:22,110
Deb? Deb?
- Momma!
759
00:37:24,215 --> 00:37:26,804
- Little thing is on the phone.
760
00:37:28,047 --> 00:37:29,531
Crazy ol' Grampa.
761
00:37:31,257 --> 00:37:32,154
Grampa.
762
00:37:34,950 --> 00:37:38,022
[mischievous music]
763
00:37:42,717 --> 00:37:44,995
- Oh, hey Rich.
- Hi, Joe.
764
00:37:45,029 --> 00:37:46,617
- Oh.
- Whatcha got there?
765
00:37:46,652 --> 00:37:47,549
Thank you.
766
00:37:48,412 --> 00:37:49,793
Why do your packages look like
767
00:37:49,827 --> 00:37:52,071
they're being used
as a ThighMaster?
768
00:37:52,105 --> 00:37:54,625
- Oh, well, sorry.
I'm sure it's fine.
769
00:37:54,660 --> 00:37:56,075
Yeah? Here.
- Okay.
770
00:37:56,109 --> 00:37:57,870
- I just need your signature.
771
00:37:57,904 --> 00:38:00,286
- All right.
- There you go. Right there.
772
00:38:00,321 --> 00:38:01,770
- So, uh, how's life?
773
00:38:02,909 --> 00:38:06,085
- Well, I'm getting
the vasectomy.
774
00:38:06,948 --> 00:38:08,432
- Oh, okay.
775
00:38:08,467 --> 00:38:12,540
- Yeah, my wife's been
bugging me for years.
776
00:38:12,574 --> 00:38:14,680
At first she wanted to be
like that family on TV.
777
00:38:14,714 --> 00:38:16,198
You know the one
with the 10 kids?
778
00:38:16,233 --> 00:38:17,130
- Oh yeah.
779
00:38:17,165 --> 00:38:18,442
- But after four C-sections,
780
00:38:18,477 --> 00:38:21,859
a couple of sets of breach twins
781
00:38:21,894 --> 00:38:25,346
and giving once birth
on a roller coaster,
782
00:38:25,380 --> 00:38:27,624
she got tired of
trying to keep up, so.
783
00:38:27,658 --> 00:38:31,041
- Yeah.
- Nine's the magic number.
784
00:38:31,075 --> 00:38:35,252
So next week I, I'm seeing
my urologist and Dr. Stoppe.
785
00:38:36,460 --> 00:38:38,462
- Dr. Stop. Is that like stop?
786
00:38:38,497 --> 00:38:41,085
S-T-O-P?
- No, no.
787
00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:44,675
S-O it's two P's and an E.
- Oh.
788
00:38:44,710 --> 00:38:47,713
- Like, like shoppe, you
know, like ye olde shoppe.
789
00:38:47,747 --> 00:38:49,508
- Right. Yeah.
790
00:38:49,542 --> 00:38:50,992
Yeah.
791
00:38:51,026 --> 00:38:53,097
So he's kinda like a boutique
back vasectomy doctor
792
00:38:53,132 --> 00:38:54,616
kind of thing?
- It's a regular office,
793
00:38:54,651 --> 00:38:56,515
but he says a couple of snips
794
00:38:56,549 --> 00:38:59,656
and my baby making
days are over.
795
00:38:59,690 --> 00:39:03,073
- Wow, well thanks for your
public service there, Rich.
796
00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:07,664
- Hi, Rich.
- Mrs. Michaels.
797
00:39:08,837 --> 00:39:13,394
Well, uh, well, nice
talking to you, Joe.
798
00:39:13,428 --> 00:39:16,949
Mrs. Michaels. Deb. [chuckles]
799
00:39:19,227 --> 00:39:21,781
- Uh, did he just wink at you?
800
00:39:23,507 --> 00:39:24,853
- I think it was a twitch.
801
00:39:25,923 --> 00:39:27,891
Probably nervous
about that vasectomy.
802
00:39:29,893 --> 00:39:32,551
- Hmm.
[bright music]
803
00:39:34,518 --> 00:39:35,761
- [Joe] There's nothing like
804
00:39:35,795 --> 00:39:38,280
the crisp winter snow
in the mountains.
805
00:39:38,315 --> 00:39:39,212
Right, kids?
806
00:39:40,386 --> 00:39:42,043
Come on. We're headed
to Goliath Mountain.
807
00:39:42,077 --> 00:39:44,942
The Goliath Mountain.
808
00:39:44,977 --> 00:39:46,772
Who's ready to rip some poo.
809
00:39:48,083 --> 00:39:50,223
- [Deb] Think you
mean rip some pow.
810
00:39:51,535 --> 00:39:52,881
- Where's daddy?
811
00:39:52,916 --> 00:39:55,781
- He went to register us
for the tennis lessons.
812
00:39:55,815 --> 00:39:56,885
If he doesn't show up soon,
813
00:39:56,920 --> 00:39:58,473
he's gonna miss the ski lessons.
814
00:39:58,508 --> 00:40:00,889
- Oh, sorry. Sorry I'm late.
815
00:40:02,373 --> 00:40:04,445
Oh, there was a long line.
816
00:40:04,479 --> 00:40:06,550
Look, I just found
out that John McEnroe
817
00:40:06,585 --> 00:40:08,794
is gonna be one of the
instructors at the tennis camp.
818
00:40:08,828 --> 00:40:10,278
- Get out!
- Yeah. Isn't that cool?
819
00:40:10,312 --> 00:40:11,590
- And with that,
820
00:40:11,624 --> 00:40:13,730
I wish you all the best
of luck on the slopes.
821
00:40:13,764 --> 00:40:16,526
- Oh, but wait, my
husband just got here.
822
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:20,081
- Oh, uh, he could
join my next lesson
823
00:40:20,115 --> 00:40:21,738
and catch up with you later.
824
00:40:21,772 --> 00:40:23,498
How's that?
- Yeah, that sounds fine.
825
00:40:23,533 --> 00:40:25,811
You go ahead. I'll
catch up with you later.
826
00:40:25,845 --> 00:40:28,503
Go rip some poo. [laughs]
827
00:40:30,747 --> 00:40:33,853
- Pow.
[Joe chuckles]
828
00:40:38,513 --> 00:40:39,480
- All right.
829
00:40:40,653 --> 00:40:42,034
- Here's our other participant.
830
00:40:42,068 --> 00:40:44,070
Big Joe, meet Little Joe.
831
00:40:44,105 --> 00:40:46,038
- Oh, like in the
"Bonanza"? [laughs]
832
00:40:46,072 --> 00:40:51,008
- No, no. This little
guy is a Joe too.
833
00:40:51,802 --> 00:40:52,941
- Hey, hey, Little Joe.
834
00:40:52,976 --> 00:40:55,150
- Who you calling little?
- Ow.
835
00:40:55,185 --> 00:40:56,635
- Big Joe and Little Joe,
836
00:40:56,669 --> 00:40:59,016
the first thing we're gonna
cover is the snowplow.
837
00:40:59,051 --> 00:41:00,604
- Mm-hmm.
- Just watch me.
838
00:41:00,639 --> 00:41:02,779
It's very simple, okay?
- Okay.
839
00:41:03,952 --> 00:41:05,506
- That's it. Okay?
840
00:41:06,507 --> 00:41:08,509
Go forward and
you're gonna bend.
841
00:41:13,134 --> 00:41:14,756
[Joe whimpers and laughS]
842
00:41:14,791 --> 00:41:16,309
Come on.
843
00:41:16,344 --> 00:41:18,760
- I think I'm doing it.
- Mm-hmm. Yep.
844
00:41:18,795 --> 00:41:21,176
Uh-huh. You're really doing it.
845
00:41:21,211 --> 00:41:23,213
There you go.
[Joe laughing]
846
00:41:23,247 --> 00:41:27,389
Wow. Good job.
847
00:41:31,808 --> 00:41:33,568
That was amazing.
848
00:41:33,603 --> 00:41:36,226
[bright music]
849
00:41:42,025 --> 00:41:43,405
- [John] Yeah!
850
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:47,237
[instructor and Joe shouting]
851
00:41:50,274 --> 00:41:52,000
- This is so fun.
852
00:41:52,035 --> 00:41:54,140
- It is, isn't it?
853
00:41:54,175 --> 00:41:57,005
I just wish I knew
where your father was.
854
00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:58,628
- Dip it in the sauce.
Dip it in the sauce.
855
00:41:58,662 --> 00:42:00,699
Yeah. Okay.
856
00:42:00,733 --> 00:42:02,217
Good job, Little Joe.
857
00:42:02,252 --> 00:42:03,874
Side of mayo. Side of mayo.
858
00:42:03,909 --> 00:42:05,082
Hit it. Hit it.
859
00:42:05,117 --> 00:42:06,394
Okay.
860
00:42:08,499 --> 00:42:10,260
Okay, Big Joe. Come on.
861
00:42:11,226 --> 00:42:12,469
You gotta want it. Come on, bud.
862
00:42:12,503 --> 00:42:14,851
Come on Joe. Come on, Joe.
863
00:42:17,439 --> 00:42:18,440
- Dad? Dad?
864
00:42:21,271 --> 00:42:24,308
- we are out here
skiing kind of.
865
00:42:24,343 --> 00:42:26,310
You're, you're
doing really good.
866
00:42:26,345 --> 00:42:27,795
You're doing really
good, Big Joe.
867
00:42:27,829 --> 00:42:29,175
Super, super proud of you.
868
00:42:30,107 --> 00:42:33,524
[distressing music]
869
00:42:33,559 --> 00:42:35,596
Big Joe, my dude.
870
00:42:36,942 --> 00:42:39,082
Little Joe, you did great.
871
00:42:40,255 --> 00:42:43,155
Big Joe, how's your
insurance? [laughs]
872
00:42:43,189 --> 00:42:44,363
I'm just, I'm just
funnin' with you.
873
00:42:44,397 --> 00:42:46,399
Just, just take
it easy up there.
874
00:42:46,434 --> 00:42:48,022
Remember what I showed you.
875
00:42:48,056 --> 00:42:53,027
And you'll be king of the
bunny hill in, in no time.
876
00:42:53,061 --> 00:42:56,547
- Big baby on the
bunny hill. [laughs]
877
00:42:58,342 --> 00:43:00,793
- How we doing, sir?
- Oh, good.
878
00:43:00,828 --> 00:43:03,209
All right. Step right on up.
879
00:43:08,180 --> 00:43:09,181
- Here we go, sir.
880
00:43:09,215 --> 00:43:10,941
- Okay.
- Enjoy the ride.
881
00:43:10,976 --> 00:43:13,392
[Joe yelps]
882
00:43:15,083 --> 00:43:16,844
- Yeah. Where is Dad?
883
00:43:16,878 --> 00:43:19,087
- [John And Caroline] Dad?
884
00:43:28,614 --> 00:43:29,684
[mellow music]
885
00:43:29,719 --> 00:43:31,341
- That was more
like a bunny hill.
886
00:43:33,826 --> 00:43:36,001
- Where the hell have you been?
887
00:43:36,035 --> 00:43:37,727
We were worried sick.
888
00:43:37,761 --> 00:43:41,109
We thought you slammed into
a tree or flew over a cliff.
889
00:43:41,144 --> 00:43:42,697
- That'd be more dignified.
890
00:43:43,767 --> 00:43:45,286
You know the Goliath
Mountain gives
891
00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:48,254
every first-timer who
skis down the bunny trail
892
00:43:48,289 --> 00:43:50,947
a little bunny
rabbit's foot thing.
893
00:43:50,981 --> 00:43:51,913
- Oh. Yeah.
894
00:43:53,363 --> 00:43:55,537
- Yeah. One of those.
895
00:43:55,572 --> 00:43:57,643
- Where's yours?
896
00:43:57,678 --> 00:44:00,335
- It's, uh, hopping
down some trail
897
00:44:00,370 --> 00:44:01,820
in the forest somewhere.
898
00:44:05,375 --> 00:44:06,756
- Let's go get dinner, huh?
- Yeah.
899
00:44:08,447 --> 00:44:09,828
- We need all our strength
900
00:44:09,862 --> 00:44:12,313
for tomorrow's tennis lesson
with McEnroe, remember?
901
00:44:15,143 --> 00:44:16,420
Come on, kids.
902
00:44:17,628 --> 00:44:21,011
- Uh, I just, I just
need to do something.
903
00:44:21,046 --> 00:44:22,633
Just, uh, just...
904
00:44:22,668 --> 00:44:23,945
- Whoa, whoa, where you going?
905
00:44:23,980 --> 00:44:25,809
- Oh, I'll be back in a sec.
906
00:44:25,844 --> 00:44:28,398
I, I, I'll, I'll see you soon.
907
00:44:30,020 --> 00:44:30,952
- Hi.
- Hi.
908
00:44:30,987 --> 00:44:32,091
- I'd like, like a photo please.
909
00:44:32,126 --> 00:44:33,472
- Can I see your
Black Diamond badge?
910
00:44:33,506 --> 00:44:35,577
- My what?
- Your Black Diamond badge.
911
00:44:35,612 --> 00:44:37,269
You got one when you
completed the run, right?
912
00:44:37,303 --> 00:44:38,857
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I had one.
913
00:44:38,891 --> 00:44:40,651
I think it flew off when I was
skiing down the ninth thing.
914
00:44:40,686 --> 00:44:43,516
- Yes. Sorry, I can't take
your photo without the badge.
915
00:44:43,551 --> 00:44:46,727
- Oh. Uh, mm, let's, uh.
916
00:44:46,761 --> 00:44:48,729
- Hey, night skiing just
opened up. You wanna go ride?
917
00:44:48,763 --> 00:44:50,420
- I am working.
- Oh yeah, that's great idea.
918
00:44:50,454 --> 00:44:51,870
Oh, look, I, I, I, I
can take care of this.
919
00:44:51,904 --> 00:44:52,871
You, you can go.
- Are you sure?
920
00:44:52,905 --> 00:44:55,114
- Yeah. You guys
go have some fun
921
00:44:55,149 --> 00:44:57,013
that's really dumb-
- All right, let's go.
922
00:44:57,047 --> 00:44:58,152
Let's go.
- and stupid.
923
00:44:58,186 --> 00:45:00,119
All right, here we go. Oh, uh.
924
00:45:02,535 --> 00:45:03,433
Okay. Oh!
925
00:45:04,365 --> 00:45:06,194
That's good.
[shutter clicks]
926
00:45:06,229 --> 00:45:07,678
[lighthearted music]
I can't believe it.
927
00:45:07,713 --> 00:45:09,059
Finally gonna get
a tennis lesson
928
00:45:09,094 --> 00:45:10,474
by the number-one
tennis champion
929
00:45:10,509 --> 00:45:12,476
of the world, John McEnroe.
930
00:45:12,511 --> 00:45:15,410
- I hate to admit it,
but this is exciting.
931
00:45:16,653 --> 00:45:18,620
- Is he that toe fungus guy?
932
00:45:18,655 --> 00:45:20,933
- "For toes that play tennis."
933
00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:22,624
- W- what are they
talking about?
934
00:45:22,659 --> 00:45:24,903
- He did a commercial
for toe fungus.
935
00:45:26,076 --> 00:45:28,320
It had a cartoon of two
toes playing tennis.
936
00:45:28,354 --> 00:45:29,666
The kids laughed.
937
00:45:29,700 --> 00:45:31,150
- Okay, well let's
not bring that up.
938
00:45:31,185 --> 00:45:33,566
It might not have been
McEnroe's finest moment.
939
00:45:35,810 --> 00:45:38,606
- You're a bunch of losers!
940
00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:40,366
- Especially you grandma.
941
00:45:40,401 --> 00:45:43,059
- That's right. You never
once charged the net.
942
00:45:43,093 --> 00:45:44,715
You know, you sat
back on the baseline,
943
00:45:44,750 --> 00:45:46,821
you blamed everything on
your double hip replacement.
944
00:45:46,856 --> 00:45:47,995
Unbelievable.
945
00:45:50,135 --> 00:45:50,963
- What is that?
946
00:45:52,827 --> 00:45:55,381
- I dunno. I'll be right back.
947
00:46:00,214 --> 00:46:01,353
Hi.
948
00:46:01,387 --> 00:46:02,630
I, I'm, I'm just
here with my family
949
00:46:02,664 --> 00:46:04,149
for the tennis lesson.
950
00:46:05,529 --> 00:46:08,360
I was just wondering, what
was that jungle gym thing?
951
00:46:08,394 --> 00:46:09,326
What's the deal with that?
952
00:46:09,361 --> 00:46:11,535
- Oh, the extreme ninja course.
953
00:46:11,570 --> 00:46:12,882
- Yeah.
954
00:46:12,916 --> 00:46:14,090
- Tennis isn't as
popular as it used to be,
955
00:46:14,124 --> 00:46:16,230
so we had to roll with the times
956
00:46:16,264 --> 00:46:20,475
and, and people love anything
extreme anyways, right?
957
00:46:20,510 --> 00:46:24,341
- Uh, I heard that John
McEnroe was gonna be here.
958
00:46:24,376 --> 00:46:26,930
I see a lot of people who
look and sound like McEnroe,
959
00:46:26,965 --> 00:46:29,070
but I don't actually see-
960
00:46:29,105 --> 00:46:30,313
- Yeah.
- John McEnroe.
961
00:46:30,347 --> 00:46:31,348
- You heard right,
962
00:46:31,383 --> 00:46:33,868
but you didn't.
- Uh, excuse me.
963
00:46:33,903 --> 00:46:38,390
- It's John, Mac,
and Ro Dablonski.
964
00:46:38,424 --> 00:46:40,461
They're our onsite tennis pros
965
00:46:40,495 --> 00:46:42,290
And they're actually
fraternal triplets.
966
00:46:42,325 --> 00:46:44,465
Their parents are big
fans of Johnny Mac
967
00:46:44,499 --> 00:46:47,295
so, you know, named
them accordingly.
968
00:46:47,330 --> 00:46:49,746
It does confuse
people sometimes.
969
00:46:49,780 --> 00:46:51,990
Sir, sir, the clock is ticking
970
00:46:52,024 --> 00:46:54,337
and I do not want
them mad with me.
971
00:46:54,371 --> 00:46:57,064
Last time they made me
climb the extreme rope.
972
00:47:03,518 --> 00:47:06,867
- You came here to play, right?
973
00:47:08,316 --> 00:47:11,388
- Mac asked you if you
came here to play, did ya?
974
00:47:12,217 --> 00:47:13,770
- [Children] Yeah!
975
00:47:15,634 --> 00:47:17,498
- We started this facility
in honor of one of
976
00:47:17,532 --> 00:47:20,881
the world's all-time
tennis grades, Johnny Mac.
977
00:47:23,435 --> 00:47:26,645
[magical music]
978
00:47:26,679 --> 00:47:28,578
Again, if you've never
been here before,
979
00:47:28,612 --> 00:47:32,582
please pay a visit to our
Johnny Mac tribute wall
980
00:47:32,616 --> 00:47:33,894
where you'll find a wide array
981
00:47:33,928 --> 00:47:37,552
of his original passion rackets.
982
00:47:37,587 --> 00:47:39,347
- Uh, what's a passion racket?
983
00:47:41,867 --> 00:47:43,110
- What's a passion?
984
00:47:43,144 --> 00:47:45,802
It's a racket that
Johnny Mac sacrificed
985
00:47:45,836 --> 00:47:47,424
for his passion for the game.
986
00:47:47,459 --> 00:47:50,565
- Oh, you mean like
when he lost his shit?
987
00:47:53,775 --> 00:47:54,673
- Ninja.
988
00:47:55,501 --> 00:47:57,124
- Ninja? Why?
989
00:47:57,158 --> 00:47:59,712
- Ninja course!
990
00:48:02,646 --> 00:48:03,924
- For the rest of you,
991
00:48:03,958 --> 00:48:05,995
let's line up and do a
return-and-serve drill.
992
00:48:08,514 --> 00:48:10,965
Let's go!
- Move! [roars]
993
00:48:12,725 --> 00:48:16,350
[energetic determined music]
994
00:48:16,384 --> 00:48:18,352
- All right, let's
start with forehand.
995
00:48:24,220 --> 00:48:25,704
- Crying out loud.
996
00:48:25,738 --> 00:48:29,294
[Mac and Ro laugh]
- Next!
997
00:48:34,989 --> 00:48:35,886
- Come on.
998
00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:40,029
- Next!
999
00:48:48,244 --> 00:48:52,455
[energetic determined
music continues]
1000
00:48:52,489 --> 00:48:55,872
[ball machine thunking]
1001
00:48:57,563 --> 00:48:58,633
[Dablonskis laughing]
1002
00:48:58,668 --> 00:49:02,051
- Ow!
- Yeah! Yeah! [laughs]
1003
00:49:03,155 --> 00:49:05,399
You've got to be kidding!
- Come on.
1004
00:49:05,433 --> 00:49:07,021
- No, it's the, the grip.
1005
00:49:07,056 --> 00:49:08,126
I can't get a good...
1006
00:49:08,160 --> 00:49:09,472
You realize if Johnny Mac
1007
00:49:09,506 --> 00:49:11,612
made an excuse for every
time he missed a shot,
1008
00:49:11,646 --> 00:49:13,062
he would never have
gone toe to toe
1009
00:49:13,096 --> 00:49:15,685
with some of the
greatest of all time.
1010
00:49:15,719 --> 00:49:16,686
- Toe to toe, huh?
1011
00:49:16,720 --> 00:49:19,275
Yeah. He knows a lot about toes.
1012
00:49:19,309 --> 00:49:22,692
- Excuse me?
- Joe, don't.
1013
00:49:24,590 --> 00:49:28,353
- Oh, your hero Johnny Mac,
1014
00:49:28,387 --> 00:49:30,872
he knows a lot about toes.
1015
00:49:30,907 --> 00:49:32,736
- What's that supposed to mean?
1016
00:49:32,771 --> 00:49:35,670
- I mean, toe fungus.
I mean, come on.
1017
00:49:35,705 --> 00:49:38,225
Who in their right mind
does a toe fungus commercial
1018
00:49:38,259 --> 00:49:40,468
with animated toes
playing tennis?
1019
00:49:41,469 --> 00:49:43,954
- Toejemina is a great product.
1020
00:49:43,989 --> 00:49:45,749
- Oh yeah. What's next?
1021
00:49:45,784 --> 00:49:47,924
You know, hemorrhoid
cream commercial
1022
00:49:47,958 --> 00:49:50,892
with like hemorrhoids running
around with tennis rackets?
1023
00:49:50,927 --> 00:49:53,999
Well, [laughs] I'd
love to see that.
1024
00:49:54,034 --> 00:49:55,276
- All right. That's
it, funny man.
1025
00:49:55,311 --> 00:49:57,520
You wanna endorse a
funeral home? Let's go.
1026
00:50:01,075 --> 00:50:02,525
[Joe grunting]
1027
00:50:02,559 --> 00:50:03,388
- Oh gosh, don't look.
1028
00:50:03,422 --> 00:50:04,354
Don't look. Don't look.
1029
00:50:09,118 --> 00:50:11,741
- Oh, that had to hurt. Come on!
1030
00:50:13,053 --> 00:50:14,537
- Say it! Say it!
1031
00:50:17,747 --> 00:50:22,579
Hey, morons, meet my
little friend. [cackles]
1032
00:50:23,718 --> 00:50:26,963
[Dablonskis laughing]
1033
00:50:28,137 --> 00:50:30,932
- Don't do that. Don't.
- Not the children!
1034
00:50:30,967 --> 00:50:33,280
- [John D.] You're
disrespecting the game.
1035
00:50:33,314 --> 00:50:35,627
- How dare you
disrespect Johnny Mac?
1036
00:50:35,661 --> 00:50:36,628
- Yeah?
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.
1037
00:50:36,662 --> 00:50:38,078
He won seven Grand Slams.
1038
00:50:38,112 --> 00:50:41,978
He beat Borg and Connors
and Lendl and Gerulaitis!
1039
00:50:42,012 --> 00:50:43,945
- Is that another
form of toe fungus?
1040
00:50:43,980 --> 00:50:47,017
- I'm gonna get ya!
I'm gonna get ya!
1041
00:50:48,122 --> 00:50:49,813
[jaunty music]
1042
00:50:49,848 --> 00:50:51,367
- [Toe Fungus] Me win!
1043
00:50:51,401 --> 00:50:52,885
- [Announcer] Remember, toe
fungus is nobody's fault.
1044
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:55,578
Ask your doctor if
Toejemina is right for you.
1045
00:50:55,612 --> 00:50:57,200
[dramatic music]
1046
00:50:57,235 --> 00:50:58,443
- Mom, Dad.
1047
00:50:58,477 --> 00:51:00,790
- The crazy tennis
people are on TV.
1048
00:51:00,824 --> 00:51:02,826
- Area triplets,
tennis trainers,
1049
00:51:02,861 --> 00:51:04,932
and John McEnroe's biggest fans,
1050
00:51:04,966 --> 00:51:07,245
John, Mac, and Ro Dablonski
1051
00:51:07,279 --> 00:51:09,178
were placed under
observation today
1052
00:51:09,212 --> 00:51:12,215
after something in the
three offspring sprung
1053
00:51:12,250 --> 00:51:13,527
while giving lessons
1054
00:51:13,561 --> 00:51:16,254
at Goliath Mountain
Ski and Tennis Resort.
1055
00:51:16,288 --> 00:51:18,773
Video clearly shows
the Dablonskis
1056
00:51:18,808 --> 00:51:21,121
firing tennis balls at attendees
1057
00:51:21,155 --> 00:51:23,951
with high-velocity
ball machines.
1058
00:51:23,985 --> 00:51:27,230
While no fault has yet been
assigned to the Dablonskis,
1059
00:51:27,265 --> 00:51:29,612
it appears there is no love lost
1060
00:51:29,646 --> 00:51:31,821
between them and their students.
1061
00:51:31,855 --> 00:51:35,169
Now, let's see what Susie's
serving up in the weather.
1062
00:51:40,968 --> 00:51:44,696
- So are we finished yet?
1063
00:51:44,730 --> 00:51:45,524
- Finished?
1064
00:51:46,732 --> 00:51:48,907
- With that stupid
Christmas letter.
1065
00:51:50,253 --> 00:51:53,946
So far, the kids have
seen Santa gut a deer.
1066
00:51:53,981 --> 00:51:57,398
We ruined New Year's Eve for
untold millions of people.
1067
00:51:57,433 --> 00:52:00,539
And today they witnessed a
family of nut-job tennis pros
1068
00:52:00,574 --> 00:52:02,886
with an unhealthy
obsession for John McEnroe
1069
00:52:02,921 --> 00:52:05,579
have a major psychotic
breakdown, in unison,
1070
00:52:05,613 --> 00:52:08,478
over his role in a
toe fungus commercial.
1071
00:52:08,513 --> 00:52:10,135
- Yeah, but I, I, I,
couldn't control that.
1072
00:52:10,170 --> 00:52:12,793
I mean-
- No, you can't.
1073
00:52:12,827 --> 00:52:16,003
So then why are you trying
to control our lives?
1074
00:52:16,037 --> 00:52:17,246
- What do you mean?
1075
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:18,937
- Is any of this real?
1076
00:52:19,938 --> 00:52:22,009
Where's your Black
Diamond badge?
1077
00:52:22,043 --> 00:52:23,424
Are you gonna put photos
1078
00:52:23,459 --> 00:52:25,461
of the attack of the ball
machine in the letter?
1079
00:52:25,495 --> 00:52:27,221
- No. [laughs]
- No, exactly.
1080
00:52:27,256 --> 00:52:31,087
Because reality isn't
as pleasing as fantasy.
1081
00:52:31,121 --> 00:52:34,435
- But I mean, isn't it the
whole point is to show people,
1082
00:52:34,470 --> 00:52:36,644
I mean, how much fun
we've been having.
1083
00:52:36,679 --> 00:52:37,921
- We're not having fun.
1084
00:52:39,578 --> 00:52:41,511
- It hasn't been all
that bad, has it?
1085
00:52:43,582 --> 00:52:45,205
I mean, you've,
you've had some fun.
1086
00:52:45,239 --> 00:52:49,864
I mean, skiing and hanging
out with all the kids, I mean,
1087
00:52:52,764 --> 00:52:54,628
isn't that what it's all about?
1088
00:53:02,291 --> 00:53:04,638
I organized a, a special day
1089
00:53:04,672 --> 00:53:07,019
just for the two of us at a spa.
1090
00:53:07,054 --> 00:53:09,539
[gentle music]
1091
00:53:09,574 --> 00:53:10,954
- Really?
- Yeah.
1092
00:53:11,955 --> 00:53:13,854
We're gonna get carp pedicures.
1093
00:53:14,786 --> 00:53:15,787
- What?
- Yeah.
1094
00:53:15,821 --> 00:53:17,651
- Carp like as, fish carp?
1095
00:53:17,685 --> 00:53:19,239
- Yeah. [chuckles]
1096
00:53:19,273 --> 00:53:22,000
Yeah. So what you do is
you have a glass of wine
1097
00:53:22,034 --> 00:53:23,553
and you put your feet
in this little tub
1098
00:53:23,588 --> 00:53:24,796
and, and the carp come
1099
00:53:24,830 --> 00:53:27,902
and they eat all
your dead skin cells.
1100
00:53:27,937 --> 00:53:29,249
I mean, sounds kind of gross,
1101
00:53:29,283 --> 00:53:31,561
but you know, it's
doesn't hurt or anything.
1102
00:53:31,596 --> 00:53:35,393
It feels kind of tingly
and it's very therapeutic.
1103
00:53:35,427 --> 00:53:38,430
And you always complaining
about your heel thing.
1104
00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:42,192
So what do you think? It's
gonna be great, I think.
1105
00:53:44,402 --> 00:53:48,129
[distressing festive music]
1106
00:53:56,345 --> 00:54:00,107
[distressing festive
music continues]
1107
00:54:00,141 --> 00:54:02,109
Who knew the carp would
be so hungry, huh?
1108
00:54:06,389 --> 00:54:09,427
[keyboard clacking]
1109
00:54:18,436 --> 00:54:21,956
[keyboard continues clacking]
1110
00:54:21,991 --> 00:54:24,959
[boat horn blares]
1111
00:54:27,514 --> 00:54:29,481
- This is my kind of weather.
1112
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:31,311
- Yeah. Ope.
[phone buzzing]
1113
00:54:31,345 --> 00:54:33,658
All right. Better get this.
1114
00:54:34,935 --> 00:54:37,869
- Michaels.
- Hello, Clive.
1115
00:54:39,940 --> 00:54:41,079
- Can you hear me, Joe?
1116
00:54:41,113 --> 00:54:43,771
- Yeah, I'm here.
- Yeah, sorry.
1117
00:54:43,806 --> 00:54:46,636
On the heli on the way to
Majorca for a boys' trip.
1118
00:54:46,671 --> 00:54:49,052
Sometimes I can't hear
over these damn rotors.
1119
00:54:52,366 --> 00:54:55,024
- Yeah, I have the same
problem with the rotor brakes.
1120
00:54:55,058 --> 00:54:56,508
- Well, we're excited for you
1121
00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:58,717
to join us for my birthday bash.
1122
00:54:58,752 --> 00:55:00,029
Still set to make the journey?
1123
00:55:00,063 --> 00:55:02,549
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
1124
00:55:02,583 --> 00:55:03,826
- Ah, fantastic.
1125
00:55:03,860 --> 00:55:05,966
Well, Bono's confirmed
1126
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:07,277
and we might even get a visit
1127
00:55:07,312 --> 00:55:09,728
from our family friend Charles.
1128
00:55:10,695 --> 00:55:12,800
- Like King Charles?
1129
00:55:12,835 --> 00:55:14,112
- The last time I saw him,
1130
00:55:14,146 --> 00:55:15,941
he was up the other
end of my tennis court
1131
00:55:15,976 --> 00:55:19,911
doubled over after I'd beat
his royal ass. [laughs]
1132
00:55:19,945 --> 00:55:21,878
So how's the job going?
1133
00:55:21,913 --> 00:55:25,192
Seen any profit shares
or stock options yet?
1134
00:55:27,677 --> 00:55:32,130
- Yeah, well I was laid off
just before Christmas, so.
1135
00:55:32,164 --> 00:55:35,478
- Oh. Bad luck, Michaels.
1136
00:55:35,513 --> 00:55:37,825
I hope that won't stop
you from visiting us
1137
00:55:37,860 --> 00:55:40,759
and I trust you've got
a generous severance
package there.
1138
00:55:41,691 --> 00:55:43,486
- Yeah, yeah. I, I did.
1139
00:55:43,521 --> 00:55:47,421
In fact, I'm just here at the
Port of Miami with the family.
1140
00:55:47,456 --> 00:55:49,596
We're just about to
get on a luxury cruise.
1141
00:55:49,630 --> 00:55:52,564
- Yeah, well anyway, Michaels,
we're about to take off,
1142
00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:54,808
so I better be on my way.
1143
00:55:54,842 --> 00:55:58,052
You enjoy that and avoid
those tourist traps.
1144
00:55:58,087 --> 00:55:59,364
- Yeah, will do.
1145
00:55:59,399 --> 00:56:00,883
And, and look out for
those helicopter blades
1146
00:56:00,917 --> 00:56:03,264
so they don't, you know, cut
off your head. [chuckles]
1147
00:56:03,299 --> 00:56:06,613
[helicopter buffeting]
1148
00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:08,856
[ship horn blares]
1149
00:56:08,891 --> 00:56:10,720
- [PA] Yeah, guess
the rest of you folks
1150
00:56:10,755 --> 00:56:13,205
are cruising with us down here.
1151
00:56:13,240 --> 00:56:15,518
All aboard for Bahama Mama.
1152
00:56:17,002 --> 00:56:18,866
You just have to climb down
here to the maintenance pier.
1153
00:56:18,901 --> 00:56:19,971
- [sighs] Bloody hell.
1154
00:56:20,005 --> 00:56:21,731
- [PA] It's gonna
be an adventure.
1155
00:56:21,766 --> 00:56:24,803
[keyboard clacking]
1156
00:56:27,496 --> 00:56:31,154
- Hey, John. John, wake up.
1157
00:56:32,466 --> 00:56:33,812
You know what day it is?
1158
00:56:34,917 --> 00:56:37,195
- It's day?
- Well, yeah, it's day.
1159
00:56:37,229 --> 00:56:38,921
But this is, we might get out
1160
00:56:38,955 --> 00:56:42,096
and be able to play
with Tiger Woods day.
1161
00:56:44,789 --> 00:56:47,412
- [groans] Do I have to go?
1162
00:56:47,447 --> 00:56:48,862
- "Do I have to go?"
1163
00:56:48,896 --> 00:56:50,450
You're gonna miss out
on the opportunity
1164
00:56:50,484 --> 00:56:53,004
to play with golf's
living legend,
1165
00:56:53,038 --> 00:56:54,419
the one and only Tiger Woods.
1166
00:56:54,454 --> 00:56:56,870
You wanna sleep
through that? Come on.
1167
00:56:56,904 --> 00:57:00,080
- Isn't he that guy who crashed
his car into a fire hydrant?
1168
00:57:00,114 --> 00:57:02,082
- Yeah, that was, I don't know.
1169
00:57:02,116 --> 00:57:04,291
- Didn't his wife smash
all of his windows
1170
00:57:04,325 --> 00:57:05,223
with one of his golf clubs?
1171
00:57:05,257 --> 00:57:06,845
- No, no, I think she was trying
1172
00:57:06,880 --> 00:57:08,985
to get him outta the car
or something like that.
1173
00:57:09,020 --> 00:57:11,747
- He was only going
five miles an hour.
1174
00:57:11,781 --> 00:57:13,058
- What is this, CSI?
1175
00:57:13,093 --> 00:57:15,164
Come on, get out of
bed. This will be fun.
1176
00:57:15,198 --> 00:57:18,236
We'll play golf, we'll
Have a good time. Come on.
1177
00:57:18,270 --> 00:57:19,893
- I hope she's not there.
1178
00:57:19,927 --> 00:57:21,481
- [John] [sighs]
Don't worry about it.
1179
00:57:22,689 --> 00:57:25,415
[gentle music]
1180
00:57:34,528 --> 00:57:36,737
This is supposed to be the
100 Acre Wood Country Club.
1181
00:57:36,772 --> 00:57:37,669
Where, where am I?
1182
00:57:39,671 --> 00:57:40,534
Oh.
1183
00:57:43,503 --> 00:57:47,230
Oh! my God, man, that stinks.
1184
00:57:47,265 --> 00:57:51,890
Um, excuse me, miss, miss.
1185
00:57:51,925 --> 00:57:54,375
Excuse me. I, I think
I'm, I'm a little lost.
1186
00:57:54,410 --> 00:57:58,172
I'm, I'm, I'm looking for
the 100 Acre Woods Golf Club.
1187
00:57:58,207 --> 00:58:00,381
- This is it. Or was it.
1188
00:58:00,416 --> 00:58:01,900
Now it's 10 Acre Woods.
1189
00:58:01,935 --> 00:58:03,661
- Oh, okay.
1190
00:58:03,695 --> 00:58:05,041
W- what? I don't understand.
1191
00:58:05,076 --> 00:58:06,353
What do you, what do you mean?
1192
00:58:06,387 --> 00:58:09,356
- A couple of years ago,
the owners discovered
1193
00:58:09,390 --> 00:58:11,082
there was natural
gas under the course
1194
00:58:11,116 --> 00:58:12,324
and sold it to Gas Co.
1195
00:58:13,394 --> 00:58:15,293
Now, they're fracking
the back nine.
1196
00:58:15,327 --> 00:58:17,640
Hey, hey, hey, and because
of the gas revenue,
1197
00:58:18,468 --> 00:58:20,056
get this, Gas Co. is kind enough
1198
00:58:20,091 --> 00:58:23,025
to give back to the community
and make it a public course.
1199
00:58:24,613 --> 00:58:26,580
- So this is it?
1200
00:58:26,615 --> 00:58:29,549
- It is now one of the most
challenging courses around.
1201
00:58:29,583 --> 00:58:30,653
- Oh my God.
1202
00:58:30,688 --> 00:58:31,930
- See that big tank over there?
1203
00:58:31,965 --> 00:58:33,622
- Mm-hmm.
- Filled with fracking fluid.
1204
00:58:33,656 --> 00:58:36,003
- What?
- Oh! And the ponds!
1205
00:58:38,143 --> 00:58:38,972
- They're on fire.
1206
00:58:39,006 --> 00:58:40,214
Why, why are they-
1207
00:58:40,249 --> 00:58:42,976
- Great use of
wastewater, right?
1208
00:58:43,010 --> 00:58:45,012
We have more water hazards here
1209
00:58:45,047 --> 00:58:47,325
than any other
course in the state.
1210
00:58:49,534 --> 00:58:52,088
[John coughs]
1211
00:58:59,509 --> 00:59:02,582
Course, uh, if your
ball drops in one,
1212
00:59:02,616 --> 00:59:03,444
it's best to ask for drop.
1213
00:59:03,479 --> 00:59:04,376
- Uh-huh.
1214
00:59:07,241 --> 00:59:08,691
- Did we get in a car accident?
1215
00:59:08,726 --> 00:59:09,830
- Uh, no, no, it's fine.
1216
00:59:09,865 --> 00:59:13,731
Shh. We're on a golf
course, I think.
1217
00:59:13,765 --> 00:59:14,973
Um, yeah, look.
1218
00:59:15,008 --> 00:59:16,975
My son, my son and
I, we, we booked in
1219
00:59:17,010 --> 00:59:19,529
a, a private lesson with
a golfing professional.
1220
00:59:19,564 --> 00:59:21,773
I hear he is a bit
of a golfing legend.
1221
00:59:21,808 --> 00:59:23,188
- Tigger Woods.
1222
00:59:23,223 --> 00:59:26,191
- Don't you mean Tiger
Woods, right? Tiger Woods.
1223
00:59:26,226 --> 00:59:28,815
Golfing legend, wears
the green jacket,
1224
00:59:28,849 --> 00:59:30,851
drives into fire hydrants.
1225
00:59:30,886 --> 00:59:33,336
Yeah, it is a typo
in the thing here,
1226
00:59:33,371 --> 00:59:36,029
but I know you mean
Tiger Woods, right?
1227
00:59:36,063 --> 00:59:37,202
- No, it's Tigger.
1228
00:59:38,307 --> 00:59:39,757
I get why you thought
it was a typo.
1229
00:59:39,791 --> 00:59:41,828
I mean, what are the odds
of a guy who plays golf
1230
00:59:41,862 --> 00:59:43,484
being called Tigger Woods?
1231
00:59:43,519 --> 00:59:45,072
- Yeah. What are the odds.
1232
00:59:45,107 --> 00:59:47,178
Right.
- Anyway, uh.
1233
00:59:47,212 --> 00:59:48,455
- Ow!
- People aren't usually
1234
00:59:48,489 --> 00:59:49,767
too happy when they
find out about that.
1235
00:59:49,801 --> 00:59:50,699
- No.
- But, uh,
1236
00:59:50,733 --> 00:59:52,459
Tigger enjoys all the attention.
1237
00:59:52,493 --> 00:59:53,771
He's a happy guy anyway.
1238
00:59:53,805 --> 00:59:56,014
- Okay, great.
1239
00:59:56,049 --> 00:59:57,257
- Yeah. Speak of the devil.
1240
00:59:57,291 --> 00:59:58,499
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1241
00:59:58,534 --> 01:00:00,950
[Tigger imitates
brakes squealing]
1242
01:00:00,985 --> 01:00:02,987
- Hey, I'm Tigger.
1243
01:00:03,021 --> 01:00:04,713
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
1244
01:00:05,990 --> 01:00:08,475
- So you must be what,
Christopher Robin?
1245
01:00:08,509 --> 01:00:09,752
- Robinson, actually.
1246
01:00:10,891 --> 01:00:14,930
Oh, and, um, you
got a little poo.
1247
01:00:14,964 --> 01:00:16,241
- Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1248
01:00:16,276 --> 01:00:19,866
Winnie the Pooh, Tigger,
Christopher Robin-son.
1249
01:00:19,900 --> 01:00:22,178
You guys are hilarious.
1250
01:00:22,213 --> 01:00:23,490
- I'm not really sure
what you're getting at,
1251
01:00:23,524 --> 01:00:25,975
but you're literally
standing in dog shit.
1252
01:00:26,010 --> 01:00:27,252
- Aw, crap.
[Tigger laughs]
1253
01:00:27,287 --> 01:00:29,047
Why is there so much
dog shit everywhere?
1254
01:00:29,082 --> 01:00:29,979
Dammit!
1255
01:00:30,877 --> 01:00:32,257
Oh man.
- All right, so,
1256
01:00:32,292 --> 01:00:33,638
should we begin?
1257
01:00:33,673 --> 01:00:35,675
- Begin what?
- You mind being a?
1258
01:00:35,709 --> 01:00:37,090
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1259
01:00:37,124 --> 01:00:39,644
- Thank you. He's gonna
go get him something.
1260
01:00:39,679 --> 01:00:40,472
- Sure.
- Chop chop.
1261
01:00:40,507 --> 01:00:43,786
- Woo-hoo! That was fun.
1262
01:00:43,821 --> 01:00:45,098
- Gimme this. Yeah.
1263
01:00:45,132 --> 01:00:46,409
You wanna make sure you
have one of these babies
1264
01:00:46,444 --> 01:00:47,790
when you're playing
10 Acre Woods.
1265
01:00:47,825 --> 01:00:50,137
If not, you'll be gasping
like a perch on the pier
1266
01:00:50,172 --> 01:00:51,311
by the third tee.
1267
01:00:51,345 --> 01:00:56,005
[Tigger and Christopher laugh]
1268
01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:57,041
- [John] Dad?
1269
01:00:58,352 --> 01:00:59,181
- [Joe] Yes, son.
1270
01:01:01,114 --> 01:01:05,705
- Is this what hell is like?
- Yeah, pretty much.
1271
01:01:05,739 --> 01:01:08,777
[keyboard clacking]
1272
01:01:12,228 --> 01:01:13,126
Ah, yes.
1273
01:01:14,058 --> 01:01:16,060
[mischievous music]
- Joe!
1274
01:01:16,094 --> 01:01:17,855
Whoa, whoa.
- Rich.
1275
01:01:17,889 --> 01:01:20,650
What are you doing
delivering packages this way?
1276
01:01:20,685 --> 01:01:22,583
- Running behind.
Hope you don't mind.
1277
01:01:22,618 --> 01:01:24,654
- No, why would I mind?
That's, that's fine.
1278
01:01:24,689 --> 01:01:27,002
Look, let me get that for you.
1279
01:01:27,036 --> 01:01:30,902
So how did the little procedure
go with your, you know?
1280
01:01:30,937 --> 01:01:32,455
- That snip snip thing?
- Yeah.
1281
01:01:32,490 --> 01:01:36,114
- Oh, well it was
fine for a while.
1282
01:01:36,149 --> 01:01:37,253
- For a while? What do you mean?
1283
01:01:37,288 --> 01:01:39,566
- Yeah, my wife
got pregnant again.
1284
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:41,706
- Oh.
- I mean, [scoffs]
1285
01:01:41,741 --> 01:01:42,742
I guess it didn't take.
1286
01:01:42,776 --> 01:01:44,122
You know, go figure.
1287
01:01:44,157 --> 01:01:46,331
And it, it stinks too
1288
01:01:46,366 --> 01:01:49,749
because now I gotta
bring the handyman back
1289
01:01:49,783 --> 01:01:52,579
to put an addition on
the house, you know,
1290
01:01:52,613 --> 01:01:54,512
to accommodate the kid.
1291
01:01:54,546 --> 01:01:56,825
And the guy's costing
me an arm and a leg.
1292
01:01:56,859 --> 01:01:58,136
- Mm. Wow.
1293
01:01:58,171 --> 01:02:00,311
- He spent 12 weeks
on our bedroom redo.
1294
01:02:00,345 --> 01:02:02,382
- Whoa.
- It's, it's just ridiculous.
1295
01:02:02,416 --> 01:02:04,522
But, you know, I can't complain.
1296
01:02:04,556 --> 01:02:06,696
The guy's a, he's a craftsman.
1297
01:02:06,731 --> 01:02:08,698
- Hmm. Okay.
- No, my wife can't say
1298
01:02:08,733 --> 01:02:11,425
enough about his
skills with wood.
1299
01:02:11,460 --> 01:02:12,564
- Oh, okay.
1300
01:02:13,842 --> 01:02:16,810
Well look, I hate to take
the packages and run,
1301
01:02:16,845 --> 01:02:20,883
but I think I left something on.
1302
01:02:20,918 --> 01:02:22,126
Maybe it's the oven.
1303
01:02:22,160 --> 01:02:24,024
- Well, thank you
for keeping me busy.
1304
01:02:24,059 --> 01:02:25,750
- Yeah, yeah. No thanks.
1305
01:02:25,785 --> 01:02:27,372
Thanks, Rich.
- And thank you too, Deb.
1306
01:02:27,407 --> 01:02:28,995
- Yeah. Okay, okay.
1307
01:02:29,029 --> 01:02:30,099
Thanks, Rich.
- Yeah.
1308
01:02:30,134 --> 01:02:30,859
- All right. All right.
- See ya.
1309
01:02:30,893 --> 01:02:31,791
- See ya.
1310
01:02:34,863 --> 01:02:37,797
[aggressive music]
1311
01:02:45,943 --> 01:02:49,739
[aggressive music continues]
1312
01:02:58,300 --> 01:03:01,890
[aggressive music continues]
1313
01:03:04,996 --> 01:03:06,826
- [chuckles] Oh,
what do you think?
1314
01:03:07,930 --> 01:03:10,553
This is our year.
This is our time.
1315
01:03:10,588 --> 01:03:12,590
We're gonna go to Clive
Hammersmith's party
1316
01:03:12,624 --> 01:03:14,592
and we're gonna live
it up on his dime.
1317
01:03:15,731 --> 01:03:17,526
- I'm just having
second thoughts, it's-
1318
01:03:17,560 --> 01:03:19,148
- No, it's fine.
1319
01:03:19,183 --> 01:03:21,392
People go across the Atlantic
on private jets all the time.
1320
01:03:21,426 --> 01:03:23,532
Besides, it's gonna look
great in the Christmas letter.
1321
01:03:23,566 --> 01:03:25,914
[laughs] Woo-hoo.
Yeah, here we go.
1322
01:03:25,948 --> 01:03:28,399
- This is exactly what
I'm talking about.
1323
01:03:29,503 --> 01:03:30,297
- Is this all?
1324
01:03:30,332 --> 01:03:31,160
- Yeah. Yeah.
1325
01:03:31,195 --> 01:03:32,679
Do you need my ticket?
1326
01:03:32,713 --> 01:03:34,819
'Cause I bought it online
with the, the discount site.
1327
01:03:34,854 --> 01:03:36,165
It was a two-for-one
deal with a payment plan.
1328
01:03:36,200 --> 01:03:38,167
- Oh no, that's just fine.
I can, I can take that.
1329
01:03:38,202 --> 01:03:38,996
- Cool. Great.
1330
01:03:39,030 --> 01:03:40,100
Oh. Oh, ah.
1331
01:03:40,135 --> 01:03:43,138
Can I get a selfie
with everybody?
1332
01:03:44,449 --> 01:03:45,623
Yeah you can be in this. Yeah.
1333
01:03:45,657 --> 01:03:47,107
There we go.
1334
01:03:47,142 --> 01:03:48,143
Look at that jet. Look at that.
1335
01:03:48,177 --> 01:03:50,214
[laughs] Awesome.
1336
01:03:50,248 --> 01:03:52,043
All right, let's
do it. Here we go.
1337
01:03:54,183 --> 01:03:55,875
- Have a nice trip.
- Thank you.
1338
01:04:02,882 --> 01:04:06,264
[gentle hopeful music]
1339
01:04:08,301 --> 01:04:10,613
- This is nicer
than our bedroom.
1340
01:04:10,648 --> 01:04:11,925
- Oh, I wouldn't
go as far as that.
1341
01:04:11,960 --> 01:04:13,651
But it, it's pretty nice.
1342
01:04:21,935 --> 01:04:24,110
- This is molten hot!
1343
01:04:24,144 --> 01:04:26,181
Where do they heat
those, in the engines?
1344
01:04:26,215 --> 01:04:27,561
Get me another towel
1345
01:04:27,596 --> 01:04:30,254
that won't require plastic
surgery after I use it.
1346
01:04:31,117 --> 01:04:33,913
[farcical music]
1347
01:04:40,816 --> 01:04:42,680
- Here you are, sir.
- About time.
1348
01:04:46,339 --> 01:04:49,169
I want to open my pores.
1349
01:04:49,204 --> 01:04:51,171
Open. Get it?
1350
01:04:51,206 --> 01:04:54,450
This, this tepid rag ain't
going to cut it honey.
1351
01:04:54,485 --> 01:04:55,589
No thanks.
1352
01:04:58,972 --> 01:05:00,422
- Someone needs to
shut this guy up.
1353
01:05:00,456 --> 01:05:02,044
He's being a real jerk.
1354
01:05:02,079 --> 01:05:03,839
- It's a long flight.
1355
01:05:03,873 --> 01:05:06,324
I don't need an
international incident, okay?
1356
01:05:08,188 --> 01:05:11,467
- Okay. Okay. [chuckles]
1357
01:05:11,502 --> 01:05:12,675
Yeah.
1358
01:05:12,710 --> 01:05:13,883
- Um, we're offering
a light snack
1359
01:05:13,918 --> 01:05:16,748
of either chicken
or avocado sandwich.
1360
01:05:16,783 --> 01:05:19,165
- Oh, I will have the chicken.
1361
01:05:19,199 --> 01:05:20,960
- Yeah, make it two, thanks.
1362
01:05:20,994 --> 01:05:24,342
- [Maggie] Very good.
1363
01:05:24,377 --> 01:05:26,758
- Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
1364
01:05:31,211 --> 01:05:32,695
- I'll have the chicken too.
1365
01:05:32,730 --> 01:05:34,180
- I'm sorry sir,
1366
01:05:34,214 --> 01:05:37,045
but for some reason those
are the last two chicken.
1367
01:05:37,079 --> 01:05:38,529
- What!?
1368
01:05:38,563 --> 01:05:41,290
- Oh, you can have my
chicken sandwich if you like.
1369
01:05:42,533 --> 01:05:45,294
- Well give it to me then.
1370
01:05:45,329 --> 01:05:46,226
- Sure. Here.
1371
01:05:49,195 --> 01:05:51,921
[playful music]
1372
01:05:57,203 --> 01:06:00,240
[keyboard clacking]
1373
01:06:05,797 --> 01:06:07,178
- You're kidding, right?
1374
01:06:07,213 --> 01:06:10,354
- No, I mean those Icelandic
dudes were pretty cool.
1375
01:06:11,148 --> 01:06:12,287
- Well you're lucky.
1376
01:06:13,633 --> 01:06:16,636
Thank God those flight
attendants vouched for you.
1377
01:06:16,670 --> 01:06:18,914
Priscilla told them you
were a hero and Maggie said
1378
01:06:18,948 --> 01:06:22,159
you gave "that duffer a
right, good bollocking."
1379
01:06:22,193 --> 01:06:23,850
- Uh, yeah.
1380
01:06:23,884 --> 01:06:25,162
And look where it got us.
1381
01:06:26,094 --> 01:06:27,164
The trip was gonna be the icing
1382
01:06:27,198 --> 01:06:28,958
on the Christmas letter cake.
1383
01:06:28,993 --> 01:06:30,546
Our coup de gras,
1384
01:06:30,581 --> 01:06:32,514
or coop de grass, or
whatever you call it.
1385
01:06:32,548 --> 01:06:33,687
[phone ringing]
1386
01:06:33,722 --> 01:06:37,795
Oh, uh, do you want me-
- Go ahead.
1387
01:06:37,829 --> 01:06:42,110
- Okay. [exhales
sharply] Hi, Tony.
1388
01:06:42,144 --> 01:06:43,180
[playful music]
1389
01:06:43,214 --> 01:06:44,215
- Oh it's you.
1390
01:06:46,631 --> 01:06:50,118
I heard you grounded a
transatlantic flight.
1391
01:06:51,671 --> 01:06:53,086
Well, thanks for
putting my daughter
1392
01:06:53,121 --> 01:06:55,778
on the terrorist watch list.
1393
01:06:55,813 --> 01:06:58,333
Remind me never to
travel with you.
1394
01:06:58,367 --> 01:07:00,852
Probably end up getting
a cavity search.
1395
01:07:01,922 --> 01:07:03,165
- Yeah, probably.
1396
01:07:03,200 --> 01:07:04,822
But they still wouldn't
find your soul up there,
1397
01:07:04,856 --> 01:07:05,754
that's for sure.
1398
01:07:06,651 --> 01:07:08,274
- Put my daughter on the phone!
1399
01:07:09,482 --> 01:07:11,967
- Fine. Here's Krampus.
1400
01:07:13,279 --> 01:07:15,453
- Dad? Look, we're in
the middle of something.
1401
01:07:15,488 --> 01:07:18,077
Can I call you back? Okay.
1402
01:07:22,184 --> 01:07:23,427
You ever think that
1403
01:07:23,461 --> 01:07:27,293
what actually might make
your letter special,
1404
01:07:27,327 --> 01:07:29,571
the thing that will
truly make it stand out,
1405
01:07:30,848 --> 01:07:34,058
might not be about what
you've done for yourself,
1406
01:07:34,093 --> 01:07:37,337
but maybe about what
you've done for others.
1407
01:07:40,168 --> 01:07:41,755
It's the Christmas season, Joe.
1408
01:07:42,687 --> 01:07:44,448
What about doing something
1409
01:07:44,482 --> 01:07:47,002
that's not about
building up your own ego?
1410
01:07:49,315 --> 01:07:51,972
- Building. Building, yeah.
1411
01:07:53,146 --> 01:07:54,699
That's a great idea.
1412
01:07:55,976 --> 01:07:59,497
Why don't we build one of
those Homes for Humans?
1413
01:07:59,532 --> 01:08:01,016
- Now, that's a great idea.
1414
01:08:01,050 --> 01:08:03,432
- Yeah. 'Cause that's
what this letter needs.
1415
01:08:03,467 --> 01:08:05,020
It needs some heart.
- Yeah.
1416
01:08:05,054 --> 01:08:07,056
- The Hammersmith letter
has no heart at all.
1417
01:08:07,091 --> 01:08:09,024
- Well, no, but-
- Yeah. No, no.
1418
01:08:09,058 --> 01:08:10,439
- It's gonna be great.
1419
01:08:10,474 --> 01:08:12,131
So not only do we do cool
things for ourselves.
1420
01:08:12,165 --> 01:08:13,373
[chuckles] "Look at us." Yeah.
1421
01:08:13,408 --> 01:08:16,273
But we also do cool
things for others.
1422
01:08:16,307 --> 01:08:19,276
Yeah, I can see it now, the
before and after photos.
1423
01:08:19,310 --> 01:08:20,725
- Wait-
- There's us and we're,
1424
01:08:20,760 --> 01:08:21,933
"Oh, the Michaels are coming!"
1425
01:08:21,968 --> 01:08:23,418
And we're gonna build this house
1426
01:08:23,452 --> 01:08:25,730
for these poor people
and these homeless people
1427
01:08:25,765 --> 01:08:27,180
and they come in there
and they're all happy
1428
01:08:27,215 --> 01:08:28,457
and everyone's gonna
go "Look at this."
1429
01:08:28,492 --> 01:08:30,425
Oh my. [chuckles] Oh,
this is brilliant.
1430
01:08:31,736 --> 01:08:34,463
Deb, you might have just
saved the Christmas letter.
1431
01:08:35,395 --> 01:08:38,467
[Joe laughs]
[gentle music]
1432
01:08:38,502 --> 01:08:39,606
[laughs] Yes.
1433
01:08:44,749 --> 01:08:46,958
Hi. We're here to
help build a house.
1434
01:08:46,993 --> 01:08:49,375
- Great. Martin Kennedy.
1435
01:08:49,409 --> 01:08:50,307
Can I get your last name?
1436
01:08:50,341 --> 01:08:51,618
- Uh, we're the Michaels.
1437
01:08:53,482 --> 01:08:54,794
- I'm sorry, Mr. Michaels,
1438
01:08:54,828 --> 01:08:56,140
I don't see your names
on the volunteer list.
1439
01:08:56,175 --> 01:08:58,142
- We're kind of being
a little spontaneous
1440
01:08:58,177 --> 01:08:59,523
and, you know, we
kind of got caught up
1441
01:08:59,557 --> 01:09:01,249
in the whole materialism
of everything
1442
01:09:01,283 --> 01:09:03,216
and I thought, you know,
I wanted to show the kids
1443
01:09:03,251 --> 01:09:05,460
what it's really all
about, giving back,
1444
01:09:05,494 --> 01:09:09,153
and what a better thing to do
and then help build a house.
1445
01:09:09,188 --> 01:09:11,811
- It's mighty nice
of you, Mr. Michaels.
1446
01:09:11,845 --> 01:09:12,984
And I would sure hate to ruin
1447
01:09:13,019 --> 01:09:15,263
such a wonderful
lesson for the kids.
1448
01:09:15,297 --> 01:09:17,057
- Oh, I appreciate that, Martin.
1449
01:09:17,092 --> 01:09:18,714
Can I call you Martin?
- Sure thing.
1450
01:09:18,749 --> 01:09:20,785
Uh?
- Joe.
1451
01:09:20,820 --> 01:09:23,202
- Joe.
[both chuckle]
1452
01:09:23,236 --> 01:09:24,651
- Well is there
anything we could do?
1453
01:09:24,686 --> 01:09:26,791
Can you help us out?
1454
01:09:26,826 --> 01:09:29,104
- Yeah. Mr. Michaels,
you and the-
1455
01:09:29,138 --> 01:09:30,968
- Oh, call me Deb.
1456
01:09:31,002 --> 01:09:32,556
- Deb.
1457
01:09:32,590 --> 01:09:35,179
You and the kids can help out
over there with landscaping.
1458
01:09:35,214 --> 01:09:36,560
And Joe, I could
sure use some help
1459
01:09:36,594 --> 01:09:38,044
with some light plumbing.
1460
01:09:38,078 --> 01:09:39,873
- Great.
- I'm short a plumber,
1461
01:09:39,908 --> 01:09:42,082
our deadline's only
three days away.
1462
01:09:42,117 --> 01:09:43,808
You know how to
sweat a copper pipe?
1463
01:09:43,843 --> 01:09:45,258
- Uh, well, I know how to sweat.
1464
01:09:45,293 --> 01:09:46,639
So that's a start, right?
1465
01:09:48,054 --> 01:09:49,711
- Okay, well let me get you
set up over here and then-
1466
01:09:49,745 --> 01:09:51,160
- Wait, wait, wait.
1467
01:09:51,195 --> 01:09:52,817
Let me, uh, can I get a selfie,
1468
01:09:52,852 --> 01:09:55,993
just you and all of us
in front of the house?
1469
01:09:56,027 --> 01:09:57,339
- Okay, sure.
1470
01:09:57,374 --> 01:09:58,754
- Uh, say "cheese."
1471
01:09:58,789 --> 01:10:00,377
[shutter clicking]
1472
01:10:00,411 --> 01:10:02,517
- Okay, formalities outta the
way. Now we can get to work.
1473
01:10:02,551 --> 01:10:04,657
- Great. Thanks again Martin.
- So much.
1474
01:10:09,144 --> 01:10:10,179
- Very well.
1475
01:10:10,214 --> 01:10:11,767
This is gonna be the bathroom.
1476
01:10:13,044 --> 01:10:14,356
Here's your torch.
1477
01:10:14,391 --> 01:10:16,082
Just press-
[glass shatters]
1478
01:10:16,116 --> 01:10:17,911
Oh, I better check that out.
- Sure.
1479
01:10:17,946 --> 01:10:19,913
Be right back.
- Okay. Okay.
1480
01:10:23,986 --> 01:10:26,575
[playful music]
1481
01:10:26,610 --> 01:10:31,649
Okay. [exhales sharply]
[shutter clicks]
1482
01:10:32,305 --> 01:10:33,410
[torch whooshing]
1483
01:10:33,444 --> 01:10:36,620
Oh!
[fire engine siren blaring]
1484
01:10:41,866 --> 01:10:46,388
Martin, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
1485
01:10:46,423 --> 01:10:48,459
I was only trying to help.
1486
01:10:48,494 --> 01:10:49,771
It was an accident.
1487
01:10:49,805 --> 01:10:53,292
I, I, didn't mean to
burn down the house.
1488
01:10:54,845 --> 01:10:55,639
Wait.
1489
01:10:57,813 --> 01:10:58,607
- What's up, Joe?
1490
01:10:59,574 --> 01:11:00,989
- What are you doing here?
1491
01:11:01,023 --> 01:11:03,612
- Oh, we were tweaking my
house, but, but then, you know.
1492
01:11:03,647 --> 01:11:04,786
- Well this is your house?
1493
01:11:04,820 --> 01:11:06,270
I burnt down your house?
1494
01:11:06,305 --> 01:11:08,514
- No, Joe. It's all
right. It's just a house.
1495
01:11:08,548 --> 01:11:09,756
It's gonna get rebuilt.
1496
01:11:10,550 --> 01:11:11,758
- I- I...
1497
01:11:11,793 --> 01:11:13,691
- Hey, everything
works out. Remember?
1498
01:11:14,727 --> 01:11:16,107
It's all good, man.
1499
01:11:16,142 --> 01:11:17,557
Take care buddy.
- I don't know what to say.
1500
01:11:17,592 --> 01:11:19,318
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
1501
01:11:21,975 --> 01:11:23,218
I'm sorry.
1502
01:11:23,252 --> 01:11:26,394
[disappointed music]
1503
01:11:35,437 --> 01:11:38,578
[gentle music]
1504
01:11:38,613 --> 01:11:41,201
- Grandma! Grandpa!
- Oh! Hello!
1505
01:11:41,236 --> 01:11:43,480
How are you doing?
- Hi, pie.
1506
01:11:43,514 --> 01:11:44,964
- Oh, mom!
- Oh, look at you.
1507
01:11:44,998 --> 01:11:46,137
- You didn't need to
do that. Come on in.
1508
01:11:46,172 --> 01:11:47,415
Come on in.
- Hi, sweetheart.
1509
01:11:47,449 --> 01:11:48,485
- Missed you guys!
- Gosh.
1510
01:11:48,519 --> 01:11:49,624
- Muah!
- It's good to see you.
1511
01:11:49,658 --> 01:11:52,903
- [Grandma] How
tall are you now?
1512
01:11:52,937 --> 01:11:55,561
[subdued music]
1513
01:12:03,914 --> 01:12:07,296
[subdued music continues]
1514
01:12:07,331 --> 01:12:09,368
- I know Joe's lay off has
been hard on you, honey,
1515
01:12:09,402 --> 01:12:13,717
but you know, if you need
anything you call us.
1516
01:12:13,751 --> 01:12:15,270
- Thanks, Mom.
1517
01:12:15,304 --> 01:12:18,963
- Need anything? She's
got everything. [coughs]
1518
01:12:18,998 --> 01:12:20,482
No offense little baby girl.
1519
01:12:20,517 --> 01:12:24,037
But you gotta lay off
those shopping channels.
1520
01:12:25,038 --> 01:12:27,075
You know what QVC really means?
1521
01:12:28,387 --> 01:12:31,700
Quickly-vanishing cash. [laughs]
1522
01:12:31,735 --> 01:12:35,221
- Aw. Don't oh.
[all exclaim]
1523
01:12:36,671 --> 01:12:38,466
Speaking of vanishing cash.
1524
01:12:39,915 --> 01:12:43,436
What's this crap I hear about
you cashing out your 401k?
1525
01:12:44,368 --> 01:12:47,992
- I never said a word to him.
1526
01:12:48,855 --> 01:12:50,857
Mom!
- I'm sorry.
1527
01:12:52,756 --> 01:12:54,033
I just couldn't hold it in.
1528
01:12:55,379 --> 01:12:56,863
It just seems so crazy.
1529
01:12:58,106 --> 01:12:59,901
- Because it is crazy.
1530
01:12:59,935 --> 01:13:03,905
Who in their right mind blows
their retirement savings
1531
01:13:03,939 --> 01:13:08,357
just to live out their fantasies
to try and impress others?
1532
01:13:08,392 --> 01:13:09,669
Hm?
- Fantasies?
1533
01:13:09,704 --> 01:13:10,808
Tony, you're the one who wanted
1534
01:13:10,843 --> 01:13:12,948
to become a professional
baseball player
1535
01:13:12,983 --> 01:13:14,329
so you dipped into your savings
1536
01:13:14,363 --> 01:13:16,814
to pay for that
professional baseball camp.
1537
01:13:16,849 --> 01:13:18,367
Then you had to go
back to your savings
1538
01:13:18,402 --> 01:13:19,507
to pay for that lawyer
1539
01:13:19,541 --> 01:13:21,060
to get you outta
that Nolan Ryan case
1540
01:13:21,094 --> 01:13:22,751
that you were involved with.
1541
01:13:22,786 --> 01:13:24,615
- That's son of bitch
brushed me back.
1542
01:13:24,650 --> 01:13:26,272
- Well, you didn't have to
charge the mound, did you?
1543
01:13:26,306 --> 01:13:27,204
- Stop it.
1544
01:13:28,377 --> 01:13:29,724
Stop it.
1545
01:13:29,758 --> 01:13:33,486
I'm sorry. Honey, I just
needed to talk to someone.
1546
01:13:34,694 --> 01:13:38,042
You were so hell bent on
this big plan of yours
1547
01:13:38,077 --> 01:13:40,493
and I was worried
about our finances.
1548
01:13:40,528 --> 01:13:42,668
I needed to vent. That's all.
1549
01:13:45,118 --> 01:13:46,016
- Excuse me.
1550
01:13:53,023 --> 01:13:55,439
[no audio]
1551
01:14:04,068 --> 01:14:06,795
[button clicks]
1552
01:14:08,383 --> 01:14:11,455
[trash bin rustles]
1553
01:14:17,219 --> 01:14:20,050
[water sloshing]
1554
01:14:23,467 --> 01:14:24,917
[bell dings]
1555
01:14:24,951 --> 01:14:28,092
- Mommy! Cookies are ready!
[Deb laughs]
1556
01:14:28,127 --> 01:14:29,438
Okay, hold on.
1557
01:14:29,473 --> 01:14:31,199
Hold on it's hot. Be careful.
1558
01:14:31,233 --> 01:14:33,788
- [John] Dad, mail's here.
1559
01:14:33,822 --> 01:14:35,859
- [John] Bring it on up.
1560
01:14:36,860 --> 01:14:39,725
- [John] Our first
Christmas card.
1561
01:14:44,212 --> 01:14:45,593
- Thanks, buddy.
1562
01:14:48,837 --> 01:14:51,806
[letters rustling]
1563
01:15:01,263 --> 01:15:04,163
[stressful music]
1564
01:15:10,307 --> 01:15:13,344
- [Clive] Greetings
from the Hammersmiths.
1565
01:15:13,379 --> 01:15:16,831
I hope you're well
and in good spirit.
1566
01:15:16,865 --> 01:15:18,902
As Christmas approaches,
1567
01:15:18,936 --> 01:15:20,697
you know I like to take time out
1568
01:15:20,731 --> 01:15:23,976
to reflect on all the
wonderful times my family
1569
01:15:24,010 --> 01:15:26,461
and I had the past year.
1570
01:15:26,495 --> 01:15:29,947
The highlight being
my big birthday bash.
1571
01:15:35,194 --> 01:15:37,990
[subdued music]
1572
01:15:41,372 --> 01:15:42,270
- Joe.
1573
01:15:46,619 --> 01:15:47,620
Joe!
1574
01:15:47,655 --> 01:15:50,623
[determined music]
1575
01:15:51,693 --> 01:15:53,971
Joe, you can't do this, no.
1576
01:15:56,042 --> 01:15:59,218
[Deb knocking]
Joe.
1577
01:15:59,252 --> 01:16:02,324
Joe, this is fiction
and you know it!
1578
01:16:03,809 --> 01:16:04,672
Joe!
1579
01:16:07,882 --> 01:16:08,917
Joe, please.
1580
01:16:10,160 --> 01:16:12,265
You can't send this, Joe.
1581
01:16:16,684 --> 01:16:19,894
[door rattles softly]
1582
01:16:21,067 --> 01:16:23,725
- Deb, open the door.
1583
01:16:23,760 --> 01:16:25,693
I just wanna go to bed.
1584
01:16:26,625 --> 01:16:29,835
Thank you. [grunts]
1585
01:16:29,869 --> 01:16:31,181
Come on.
1586
01:16:31,215 --> 01:16:32,872
Fine. I'll sleep
downstairs on the couch.
1587
01:16:32,907 --> 01:16:36,117
Then I can keep an eye out to
see if any packages arrive.
1588
01:16:37,636 --> 01:16:38,637
Oh! Really?
1589
01:16:43,503 --> 01:16:46,127
[gentle music]
1590
01:16:55,792 --> 01:16:59,243
[gentle music continues]
1591
01:17:08,977 --> 01:17:14,017
♪ Silent night ♪
1592
01:17:14,638 --> 01:17:19,091
♪ Holy night ♪
1593
01:17:19,125 --> 01:17:23,958
♪ All is calm ♪
1594
01:17:23,992 --> 01:17:29,032
♪ All is bright ♪
1595
01:17:29,618 --> 01:17:32,138
♪ Sleep in ♪
1596
01:17:32,173 --> 01:17:34,969
♪ Heavenly peace ♪
1597
01:17:40,077 --> 01:17:42,459
[birds chirping]
1598
01:17:42,493 --> 01:17:44,564
- So? Got it out of your system?
1599
01:17:44,599 --> 01:17:47,429
[gentle music]
- Oh yeah.
1600
01:17:47,464 --> 01:17:49,224
Well, almost.
1601
01:17:49,259 --> 01:17:52,434
Just as soon as I drop the
letter off at the post office.
1602
01:17:52,469 --> 01:17:54,643
- And that's it?
- Look, I know you're thinking
1603
01:17:54,678 --> 01:17:57,198
I'm being obsessed with
this Hammersmith letter,
1604
01:17:57,232 --> 01:17:59,752
but, I mean, what kind
of an example do I set
1605
01:17:59,787 --> 01:18:02,686
for you and the kids after
everything I've put you through.
1606
01:18:02,721 --> 01:18:04,446
- Uh, that you're not an idiot.
1607
01:18:04,481 --> 01:18:08,036
Look, you came up with this
idea, hair-brained idea,
1608
01:18:08,071 --> 01:18:09,072
because you lost your job.
1609
01:18:09,106 --> 01:18:10,659
I got that.
1610
01:18:10,694 --> 01:18:12,765
And I wanted to support you.
1611
01:18:12,800 --> 01:18:15,975
You wanted to do things
as a family and I agreed.
1612
01:18:16,010 --> 01:18:17,252
But the next thing I know,
1613
01:18:17,287 --> 01:18:19,945
we are doing things
no one wants to do.
1614
01:18:19,979 --> 01:18:22,050
We are trying to
shoehorn some form
1615
01:18:22,085 --> 01:18:26,261
of manufactured
happiness into our lives
1616
01:18:26,296 --> 01:18:29,333
while overlooking the real
happiness we already have.
1617
01:18:29,368 --> 01:18:30,403
And for what?
1618
01:18:31,232 --> 01:18:32,302
So you could prove something
1619
01:18:32,336 --> 01:18:33,717
that never needed proving?
1620
01:18:35,684 --> 01:18:38,411
Somehow this whole
living well idea
1621
01:18:38,446 --> 01:18:40,310
has morphed into a living hell.
1622
01:18:40,344 --> 01:18:42,415
- Yeah. but living well-
- Is the best revenge.
1623
01:18:42,450 --> 01:18:44,141
Yes. Great.
1624
01:18:44,176 --> 01:18:46,005
Revenge on everyone
and everything that
ever wronged you.
1625
01:18:47,282 --> 01:18:51,528
Go ahead, show them who
the bigger person is, Joe.
1626
01:18:52,632 --> 01:18:54,980
Prove to them you're
nothing like them.
1627
01:18:55,014 --> 01:18:57,499
Mm-hmm. G'ahead, send it.
1628
01:18:57,534 --> 01:19:01,469
- Yeah, I will. I will send it.
1629
01:19:02,608 --> 01:19:05,507
- You can't edit
reality like this Joe.
1630
01:19:05,542 --> 01:19:06,785
And if you send that letter,
1631
01:19:06,819 --> 01:19:08,856
you are no better than
Clive Hammersmith.
1632
01:19:10,374 --> 01:19:11,651
- Yeah.
1633
01:19:11,686 --> 01:19:13,964
You know, the one thing
I learned in advertising
1634
01:19:14,827 --> 01:19:17,105
is perception is reality.
1635
01:19:18,244 --> 01:19:19,245
With this letter,
1636
01:19:20,764 --> 01:19:23,940
I will be better than
Clive Hammersmith.
1637
01:19:25,389 --> 01:19:29,186
We, the Michaels, will be
better than the Hammersmiths.
1638
01:19:29,221 --> 01:19:32,983
- You send that letter, there
might not be a we anymore.
1639
01:19:36,331 --> 01:19:39,058
[subdued music]
1640
01:19:40,922 --> 01:19:43,822
[impactful music]
1641
01:19:52,900 --> 01:19:56,627
[impactful music continues]
1642
01:20:04,808 --> 01:20:08,536
[impactful music continues]
1643
01:20:13,541 --> 01:20:16,337
[water sloshing]
1644
01:20:18,960 --> 01:20:21,618
[gentle music]
1645
01:20:31,179 --> 01:20:34,873
[gentle music continues]
1646
01:20:34,907 --> 01:20:37,634
[water sloshes]
1647
01:20:38,980 --> 01:20:41,603
[brakes squeak]
1648
01:20:50,060 --> 01:20:53,443
[gentle music continues]
1649
01:21:00,795 --> 01:21:02,452
- You got it.
1650
01:21:02,486 --> 01:21:04,143
Hey, boss. How we doing tonight?
1651
01:21:04,178 --> 01:21:07,491
- Good.
- What can I get you?
1652
01:21:07,526 --> 01:21:09,631
- Can I just get
a, uh, craft beer?
1653
01:21:09,666 --> 01:21:11,461
- The closest thing we
got is a Utica Club.
1654
01:21:11,495 --> 01:21:13,566
- Okay. Utica Club sounds good.
1655
01:21:13,601 --> 01:21:15,223
Thanks. Hey.
1656
01:21:20,125 --> 01:21:21,471
- There we are.
- Thanks.
1657
01:21:22,437 --> 01:21:25,130
- Tough night?
- Tough year.
1658
01:21:25,164 --> 01:21:28,823
- Tell me about it. You
know, I got a story for you.
1659
01:21:31,239 --> 01:21:34,277
The past six months, I'm
fighting the health department
1660
01:21:34,311 --> 01:21:36,762
because they find one rat
1661
01:21:36,796 --> 01:21:39,109
and it's like they opened up
a federal case against me.
1662
01:21:39,144 --> 01:21:41,594
It's, it's... [laughs]
1663
01:21:41,629 --> 01:21:44,770
You know what? Rats, they
love those, beer nuts.
1664
01:21:44,804 --> 01:21:45,598
Go figure.
1665
01:21:49,878 --> 01:21:51,259
So you're not out shopping
1666
01:21:51,294 --> 01:21:53,158
with all the other
morons tonight?
1667
01:21:53,192 --> 01:21:54,538
- Uh, yeah, I was thinking
1668
01:21:54,573 --> 01:21:55,746
of getting something
for my wife.
1669
01:21:55,781 --> 01:21:58,335
- Wife. Yeah!
- Wives.
1670
01:21:58,370 --> 01:22:00,027
What are you gonna get
your wife for Christmas?
1671
01:22:00,061 --> 01:22:03,030
- Uh, I'm not sure. She's not
really in a Christmas mood.
1672
01:22:07,689 --> 01:22:10,071
Do you ever get one of
those Christmas letters?
1673
01:22:10,106 --> 01:22:11,521
- Like a, like a Christmas card?
1674
01:22:11,555 --> 01:22:12,798
- No, it's a, it's
a Christmas letter.
1675
01:22:12,832 --> 01:22:15,111
It kind of opens
up like a novel.
1676
01:22:15,145 --> 01:22:17,941
These pictures of families
doing all these amazing things.
1677
01:22:17,976 --> 01:22:20,633
You know, jet skiing,
yachting, travel,
1678
01:22:20,668 --> 01:22:22,981
amazing life, you know,
all that kind of stuff.
1679
01:22:24,154 --> 01:22:27,606
- Every year I get this
letter from this guy
1680
01:22:27,640 --> 01:22:28,883
that I went to high
school with, right.
1681
01:22:28,917 --> 01:22:30,402
This jack hole.
1682
01:22:30,436 --> 01:22:33,750
The guy gets a patent for
anti-skid mark underwear, right?
1683
01:22:33,784 --> 01:22:35,096
The prince of skid marks.
1684
01:22:35,131 --> 01:22:36,822
I refuse to wear 'em.
1685
01:22:36,856 --> 01:22:38,548
- They don't work.
- They don't work.
1686
01:22:38,582 --> 01:22:40,032
Anyway, this guy, he
writes this letter
1687
01:22:40,067 --> 01:22:41,827
and he puts in this,
this, this picture
1688
01:22:41,861 --> 01:22:44,278
of his million-dollar
mansion, his fancy cars,
1689
01:22:44,312 --> 01:22:45,693
where he sends his
kids all over the...
1690
01:22:45,727 --> 01:22:47,315
You know where he send my kids?
1691
01:22:47,350 --> 01:22:49,524
To the end of the driveway
to take out the trash.
1692
01:22:49,559 --> 01:22:50,456
You know? Yeah.
1693
01:22:53,839 --> 01:22:55,496
- Don't you wish
you had his life?
1694
01:22:58,568 --> 01:22:59,362
- Nah.
1695
01:23:00,673 --> 01:23:03,400
Listen, I may not have
my, my name on a building
1696
01:23:03,435 --> 01:23:05,437
and my face on a stamp.
1697
01:23:06,645 --> 01:23:08,198
Heck, I don't even know
my own house. I rent.
1698
01:23:08,233 --> 01:23:12,030
But you know what? It's my life.
1699
01:23:12,064 --> 01:23:13,721
What's wrong with my life?
1700
01:23:14,894 --> 01:23:16,758
You know, what's
wrong with your life?
1701
01:23:18,139 --> 01:23:19,037
- Yeah.
1702
01:23:20,762 --> 01:23:22,109
What's wrong with my life?
1703
01:23:25,215 --> 01:23:26,251
That's a good point.
1704
01:23:31,566 --> 01:23:32,671
Yeah.
1705
01:23:32,705 --> 01:23:34,776
Thanks, uh, for
the conversation.
1706
01:23:34,811 --> 01:23:35,812
- Well, hey, where
you going buddy?
1707
01:23:35,846 --> 01:23:36,640
You got your beer?
1708
01:23:36,675 --> 01:23:37,917
You didn't tell me
1709
01:23:37,952 --> 01:23:39,126
what you're buying your
wife for Christmas.
1710
01:23:41,749 --> 01:23:42,991
- I'll send you a copy.
1711
01:23:44,545 --> 01:23:45,442
Merry Christmas.
1712
01:23:46,926 --> 01:23:51,448
- Merry Christmas, pal.
[lighthearted festive music]
1713
01:23:52,691 --> 01:23:57,730
♪ It's a wonder land outside ♪
1714
01:23:59,007 --> 01:24:02,666
♪ So lets dance in
the street light ♪
1715
01:24:03,564 --> 01:24:07,568
♪ Underneath the evergreens ♪
1716
01:24:07,602 --> 01:24:11,951
♪ In Central Park
you look at me ♪
1717
01:24:11,986 --> 01:24:15,817
♪ It's a magic kind of scene ♪
1718
01:24:17,405 --> 01:24:22,030
♪ It's Christmas in New York ♪
♪ It's Christmas in New York ♪
1719
01:24:23,204 --> 01:24:27,208
♪ The empire state
goes green and red ♪
1720
01:24:27,243 --> 01:24:31,557
♪ Rockefeller's tree
can't be compared ♪
1721
01:24:31,592 --> 01:24:36,528
♪ It's a beautiful
sight to see ♪
1722
01:24:36,562 --> 01:24:39,082
♪ But what matters most ♪
1723
01:24:39,117 --> 01:24:42,154
♪ Is in front of me ♪
1724
01:24:44,639 --> 01:24:46,469
♪ My love for you ♪
♪ My love for you ♪
1725
01:24:46,503 --> 01:24:49,057
♪ Will always be ♪
♪ Will always be ♪
1726
01:24:49,092 --> 01:24:51,819
♪ The very greatest ♪
♪ The very greatest ♪
1727
01:24:51,853 --> 01:24:53,717
♪ Gift to me ♪
♪ Gift to me ♪
1728
01:24:53,752 --> 01:24:55,581
♪ There's nowhere ♪
♪ There's nowhere ♪
1729
01:24:55,616 --> 01:24:58,688
♪ I'd rather be ♪
♪ I'd rather be ♪
1730
01:24:58,722 --> 01:25:03,382
♪ Than here with you ♪
1731
01:25:03,417 --> 01:25:06,454
♪ Than here with me ♪
1732
01:25:08,387 --> 01:25:12,253
♪ At Christmas time ♪
♪ At Christmas time ♪
1733
01:25:12,288 --> 01:25:17,327
♪ In New York ♪
♪ In New York ♪
1734
01:25:25,542 --> 01:25:29,822
[lighthearted
festive music fades]
1735
01:25:36,070 --> 01:25:39,038
- Are you and dad gonna
talk to each other again?
1736
01:25:41,420 --> 01:25:42,663
- I don't know, honey.
1737
01:25:43,871 --> 01:25:48,531
- Can Santa fix it?
- Honey.
1738
01:25:48,565 --> 01:25:49,877
- I know what.
1739
01:25:49,911 --> 01:25:53,087
I'm gonna ask Santa if
I can trade my presents.
1740
01:25:53,121 --> 01:25:54,019
- What for?
1741
01:25:54,053 --> 01:25:56,263
- You and daddy to laugh again.
1742
01:25:57,091 --> 01:25:58,644
- I wanna trade my presents too.
1743
01:25:58,679 --> 01:26:01,164
- Oh.
[phone ringing]
1744
01:26:04,995 --> 01:26:09,103
- Hi, Catherine. Merry
Christmas to you too.
1745
01:26:11,243 --> 01:26:12,140
What?
1746
01:26:13,314 --> 01:26:15,316
Wonderful?
[bright music]
1747
01:26:15,351 --> 01:26:17,870
Are you sure it's our letter?
1748
01:26:21,184 --> 01:26:23,013
Okay. [chuckles]
1749
01:26:23,048 --> 01:26:26,983
Uh, I'll tell him.
We love you too.
1750
01:26:27,915 --> 01:26:28,916
Merry Christmas.
1751
01:26:30,745 --> 01:26:32,402
- Is everything okay?
1752
01:26:32,437 --> 01:26:34,853
- She wanted to wish
us a merry Christmas.
1753
01:26:36,303 --> 01:26:39,478
Hmm.
[phone ringing]
1754
01:26:39,513 --> 01:26:40,479
Hi, Uncle Harold.
1755
01:26:44,725 --> 01:26:46,934
Wait, I don't
understand because...
1756
01:26:49,350 --> 01:26:51,732
Aunt Martha cried
when she read it?
1757
01:26:51,766 --> 01:26:54,044
Yeah, well I cried when
Joe sent it, but...
1758
01:26:57,565 --> 01:27:00,258
Okay, I'll, I'll give him a hug.
1759
01:27:02,639 --> 01:27:05,504
You bet. Merry Christmas.
1760
01:27:13,167 --> 01:27:14,824
- Mail's here. I'll get it.
1761
01:27:16,377 --> 01:27:17,240
[phone ringing]
- Oh.
1762
01:27:17,275 --> 01:27:18,828
Would you get that, John?
1763
01:27:23,867 --> 01:27:27,146
- [Caroline] Mama
more Christmas cards.
1764
01:27:31,496 --> 01:27:32,635
- It's Grandpa.
1765
01:27:32,669 --> 01:27:34,326
- Oh, tell him
I'll call him back.
1766
01:27:37,640 --> 01:27:40,298
[tender music]
1767
01:27:48,892 --> 01:27:52,448
[tender music continues]
1768
01:27:54,553 --> 01:27:56,452
- Dear family and friends,
1769
01:27:56,486 --> 01:27:59,386
this is my first ever attempt
at a Christmas letter.
1770
01:28:00,283 --> 01:28:02,941
Strike that. My second.
1771
01:28:04,045 --> 01:28:06,393
My first is in a dumpster.
1772
01:28:06,427 --> 01:28:08,360
Let's just say it wasn't written
1773
01:28:08,395 --> 01:28:11,329
in the true spirit of Christmas.
1774
01:28:11,363 --> 01:28:14,297
So you can think a Utica Club
1775
01:28:15,540 --> 01:28:19,475
and a very caring bartender
with a rat problem
1776
01:28:19,509 --> 01:28:23,686
from saving you from a fate
worse than Black Friday shopping
1777
01:28:23,720 --> 01:28:25,066
and saving you from
1778
01:28:25,101 --> 01:28:27,172
a horrendous narcissistic
Christmas letter filled
1779
01:28:27,206 --> 01:28:29,243
with nothing but
overblown boasts.
1780
01:28:30,900 --> 01:28:33,592
No, the following
is all too real.
1781
01:28:34,490 --> 01:28:37,389
Boring but real.
1782
01:28:37,424 --> 01:28:40,737
We didn't escape to any
remote sun-drenched islands,
1783
01:28:40,772 --> 01:28:42,083
attend the posh parties
1784
01:28:42,118 --> 01:28:44,465
or rub elbows with
the heads of state.
1785
01:28:45,777 --> 01:28:48,435
Our kids didn't shatter
records in sports or academics,
1786
01:28:48,469 --> 01:28:50,747
but they, you know,
they did us proud
1787
01:28:50,782 --> 01:28:52,956
by just doing their best.
1788
01:28:52,991 --> 01:28:54,958
None of us won any awards,
1789
01:28:54,993 --> 01:28:57,064
but Caroline did make me
1790
01:28:57,098 --> 01:28:59,687
the Greatest Dad
Award on Father's Day.
1791
01:29:00,757 --> 01:29:01,758
No weight was lost.
1792
01:29:01,793 --> 01:29:04,416
We may have even gained some.
1793
01:29:04,451 --> 01:29:05,969
We didn't make a
killing on stocks
1794
01:29:06,004 --> 01:29:08,213
or join any exclusive clubs,
1795
01:29:09,594 --> 01:29:12,010
but we did laugh a lot, though,
1796
01:29:12,044 --> 01:29:15,116
and talked with each
other almost every day.
1797
01:29:16,601 --> 01:29:18,844
None of us were ill or injured
1798
01:29:18,879 --> 01:29:22,020
and no one in our
respective families died.
1799
01:29:23,573 --> 01:29:25,782
We still have a
roof over our heads
1800
01:29:25,817 --> 01:29:29,407
and, uh, boundless optimism
for a better future.
1801
01:29:30,925 --> 01:29:34,066
This in spite of my job loss,
which happened a year ago.
1802
01:29:35,102 --> 01:29:37,104
And you know, really
was a blessing.
1803
01:29:38,416 --> 01:29:39,762
There could be nothing worse
1804
01:29:39,796 --> 01:29:43,075
than spending your entire
life hating what you do.
1805
01:29:44,076 --> 01:29:46,665
And I won't lie,
I, I hated my job.
1806
01:29:48,149 --> 01:29:51,049
The fact is, there's only one
job I've ever really loved.
1807
01:29:52,602 --> 01:29:56,330
That of being a good
husband, father, and friend.
1808
01:29:58,470 --> 01:29:59,782
Of all there is to see
1809
01:29:59,816 --> 01:30:02,543
and do in this
busy world of ours,
1810
01:30:02,578 --> 01:30:05,650
there is nothing more wonderful
than simply being alive
1811
01:30:05,684 --> 01:30:09,585
to share the
unending, undying love
1812
01:30:09,619 --> 01:30:11,034
of family and friends.
1813
01:30:12,726 --> 01:30:16,143
As my mom and dad
always used to say,
1814
01:30:16,177 --> 01:30:19,836
"We may not have much,
but we have everything."
1815
01:30:21,631 --> 01:30:24,185
Thanks for being part of
our everything this year.
1816
01:30:25,532 --> 01:30:28,362
Be of good cheer, and
merry Christmas to you all.
1817
01:30:28,396 --> 01:30:31,365
Love Joe, Deb,
John, and Caroline.
1818
01:30:34,920 --> 01:30:37,544
Looks like somebody opened
her Christmas present early.
1819
01:30:39,200 --> 01:30:40,616
- What is all this?
1820
01:30:40,650 --> 01:30:43,826
- Well, you know how you
like to order lots of things
1821
01:30:43,860 --> 01:30:45,966
and this is the one
way I can ensure
1822
01:30:46,000 --> 01:30:47,864
you get 'em all in one piece.
1823
01:30:47,899 --> 01:30:50,833
And besides Rich wanted
and some time off.
1824
01:30:50,867 --> 01:30:55,838
He's on paternity leave again.
[Deb chuckles]
1825
01:30:55,872 --> 01:30:59,220
[tender music continues]
1826
01:31:08,057 --> 01:31:08,954
[Clive sniffles]
1827
01:31:08,989 --> 01:31:12,544
[soft playful music]
1828
01:31:12,579 --> 01:31:13,476
- Bloody hell.
1829
01:31:16,893 --> 01:31:17,929
Well done, Michaels.
1830
01:31:27,007 --> 01:31:30,942
[soft playful music continues]
1831
01:31:37,362 --> 01:31:39,882
♪ A one, two, a
one, two, three ♪
1832
01:31:39,916 --> 01:31:42,885
♪ My life with you
is so much better ♪
1833
01:31:42,919 --> 01:31:47,717
♪ Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter ♪
1834
01:31:47,752 --> 01:31:50,651
♪ Sunny vacations by the sea ♪
1835
01:31:50,686 --> 01:31:55,587
♪ Powder blue waves and a
pineapple breeze sound fine ♪
1836
01:31:56,277 --> 01:31:59,453
♪ If you like ♪
1837
01:31:59,487 --> 01:32:02,318
♪ Paris romance
and diamond rings ♪
1838
01:32:02,352 --> 01:32:07,392
♪ Fancy red wine near the
fire and things sound nice ♪
1839
01:32:08,082 --> 01:32:11,154
♪ For the price ♪
1840
01:32:11,189 --> 01:32:16,228
♪ You give me way more
than words can say ♪
1841
01:32:17,471 --> 01:32:22,062
♪ More than every gift
in Santa's sleigh ♪
1842
01:32:23,132 --> 01:32:25,652
♪ My life with you
so much better ♪
1843
01:32:25,686 --> 01:32:29,517
♪ Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter ♪
1844
01:32:29,552 --> 01:32:33,107
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
1845
01:32:33,142 --> 01:32:38,181
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, yeah ♪
1846
01:32:40,598 --> 01:32:43,497
♪ Skiing down snow-white
wonder lands ♪
1847
01:32:43,531 --> 01:32:48,467
♪ Will never compare to
holding your hands in mine ♪
1848
01:32:48,502 --> 01:32:52,851
♪ Oh, baby, you shine ♪
♪ Shine ♪
1849
01:32:52,886 --> 01:32:55,751
♪ Brighter than the
Northern Lights ♪
1850
01:32:55,785 --> 01:33:00,203
♪ Green auroras burning
inside of your eyes ♪
1851
01:33:00,238 --> 01:33:03,828
♪ They light my fire ♪
1852
01:33:03,862 --> 01:33:06,520
♪ Let's throw aside ♪
1853
01:33:06,554 --> 01:33:10,386
♪ That glass-half-empty life ♪
1854
01:33:12,043 --> 01:33:15,736
♪ I wanna hear you say ♪
♪ I wanna hear you say ♪
1855
01:33:15,771 --> 01:33:18,636
♪ My life with you
so much better ♪
1856
01:33:18,670 --> 01:33:23,226
♪ Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter ♪
1857
01:33:23,261 --> 01:33:28,128
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
1858
01:33:28,162 --> 01:33:30,648
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1859
01:33:30,682 --> 01:33:33,547
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1860
01:33:33,581 --> 01:33:38,656
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
1861
01:33:39,415 --> 01:33:42,418
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1862
01:33:42,452 --> 01:33:45,386
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1863
01:33:45,421 --> 01:33:48,251
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1864
01:33:48,286 --> 01:33:51,220
♪ La, la, la, la ♪
1865
01:33:51,254 --> 01:33:54,672
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
1866
01:34:01,575 --> 01:34:06,062
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
1867
01:34:06,097 --> 01:34:11,136
♪ Than what I could write ♪
1868
01:34:14,450 --> 01:34:18,592
♪ In a Christmas ♪
1869
01:34:18,626 --> 01:34:21,422
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
1870
01:34:21,457 --> 01:34:24,322
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
1871
01:34:24,356 --> 01:34:27,014
♪ Life with you so much better ♪
1872
01:34:27,049 --> 01:34:30,949
♪ Than what I could write
in a Christmas letter ♪
1873
01:34:30,984 --> 01:34:34,539
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
1874
01:34:34,573 --> 01:34:37,715
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, yeah ♪
1875
01:34:42,685 --> 01:34:45,067
[no audio]
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