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1
00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:20,885
With the stars...
2
00:00:25,709 --> 00:00:27,559
and...
3
00:00:28,879 --> 00:00:32,881
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
4
00:00:47,247 --> 00:00:48,446
( moans)
5
00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:55,921
Hi, Alice.
6
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:57,322
Oh, hello, Ralph.
7
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:05,113
It's creamed chipped beef.
8
00:01:06,383 --> 00:01:08,103
Creamed chipped beef again?
9
00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,402
Yeah, but I fixed it
a new way, Ralph.
10
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,738
I got the recipe out
of a movie magazine.
11
00:01:12,807 --> 00:01:14,673
It's Ricardo Cortez's favorite.
12
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:22,280
Well, when Ricardo gets
here tonight, I hope he enjoys it.
13
00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:24,950
What are you doing
with all that material?
14
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,652
Making a bedspread?
15
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:30,556
No, I'm letting your
pants out again.
16
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:37,295
Don't you think you let
'em out a little too much?
17
00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:39,698
I haven't started yet.
18
00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,368
I, uh, I gotta go in
and get dressed.
19
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,704
Norton and I got a
Racoon Lodge meeting.
20
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:46,872
Okay.
21
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:51,878
Ralph.
22
00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:53,078
Yeah?
23
00:01:53,146 --> 00:01:54,746
Will you come here a minute?
24
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,515
What do you want?
25
00:01:58,251 --> 00:01:59,930
I can't thread this needle.
26
00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:01,052
Will you try it?
27
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,454
I'm in a hurry, Alice.
28
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:04,957
Must I do everything
around this house?
29
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:25,210
You sure there's a hole in this?
30
00:02:25,278 --> 00:02:28,547
Ralph, try wetting
the end of the thread.
31
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:30,849
I'll thank you for
no suggestions.
32
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,350
I'll do this myself.
33
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,091
Well, I wet it,
Mrs. Wisenheimer,
34
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,560
and there's no difference.
35
00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:43,762
Well, give it
to me, I'll try it.
36
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,230
Just leave me alone.
37
00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:50,419
I started this
and I'll finish it.
38
00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:53,989
Just when I get it all warmed
up, you want to take the credit.
39
00:02:54,058 --> 00:02:57,059
Look, Ralph... Shh, hold it.
40
00:02:57,127 --> 00:02:59,094
Don't breathe, Alice.
41
00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:00,795
Don't say a word.
42
00:03:00,864 --> 00:03:02,297
I got it.
43
00:03:02,366 --> 00:03:03,366
I got it...!
44
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,650
What's going on?! Ah!
45
00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:08,534
What's the matter
with you, Norton?!
46
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,688
What? What, what, what?
47
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,723
I'm trying to thread a needle.
48
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,192
Oh, is that all?
Here, give it to me.
49
00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:16,094
Ha.
50
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,899
Come on, with the thing!
51
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:24,102
There you are.
52
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:27,472
Quicker than a cat can
wink its eye, Billy boy!
53
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:28,774
( laughs)
54
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,074
Yeah, yeah.
55
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:34,312
I can see Ralph is in his
usual good, gay spirits.
56
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,381
Yeah.
57
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:36,715
Hey, Ralph? What?
58
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:38,182
What do you want?
59
00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:40,334
You forgot to give me the
friendly Racoon greeting.
60
00:03:40,403 --> 00:03:42,970
Who-hooo!
61
00:03:43,039 --> 00:03:46,592
( grumbles)
62
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,828
Now I can see why all
the world loves a fat man.
63
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,363
( laughs)
64
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:54,199
Hey, Alice, mind if I do the
puzzle in your paper here?
65
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,335
No, no, no. Go right ahead.
66
00:03:58,755 --> 00:04:02,240
Ah, let me see here, then.
67
00:04:02,309 --> 00:04:05,811
Four-letter word for
"place of dwelling."
68
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,946
Ah, house.
69
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,981
"H-O-S-E."
70
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:12,061
That's the trouble
with these things, Alice.
71
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,020
They don't present a challenge.
72
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,399
You know, they're too easy.
73
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:19,891
Yeah, real easy. Easy, E-S-Y.
74
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,028
Boy, you must be a
whiz at these things, huh?
75
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,979
( knock on door)
76
00:04:25,049 --> 00:04:26,181
Just a minute.
77
00:04:26,249 --> 00:04:27,582
Come in.
78
00:04:27,650 --> 00:04:30,318
Telegram for Ralph Kramden.
79
00:04:30,387 --> 00:04:31,519
Telegram?
80
00:04:31,588 --> 00:04:33,154
Sign here, please.
81
00:04:37,394 --> 00:04:40,628
Just a minute.
82
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,007
Thank you. There you are.
83
00:04:42,031 --> 00:04:43,098
Ralph?
84
00:04:43,166 --> 00:04:44,732
Yeah, what do you want?
85
00:04:44,801 --> 00:04:46,167
A telegram just came.
86
00:04:46,236 --> 00:04:48,870
Telegram? What does it say?
87
00:04:48,938 --> 00:04:51,205
Well, I don't know, I
haven't opened it yet.
88
00:04:51,275 --> 00:04:53,375
I hope it's not bad news, Ralph.
89
00:04:53,443 --> 00:04:55,377
You know how telegrams are.
90
00:04:55,445 --> 00:04:58,246
It might mean sickness
in the family or something.
91
00:04:58,315 --> 00:05:01,566
Hey, Ralph, what's an
eight-letter word for "incognito"?
92
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:04,469
Do you think it means sickness?
93
00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:07,472
Sickness? "S-I-C-K...
94
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,640
"N-E-S-S," yeah, that's it.
95
00:05:09,709 --> 00:05:12,010
What are we getting
all worried about?
96
00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:13,611
It's probably nothing.
97
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,546
I'll read it.
98
00:05:15,615 --> 00:05:17,532
"My dear children,
99
00:05:17,601 --> 00:05:19,700
"Father's going to be
away for a few days,
100
00:05:19,769 --> 00:05:21,702
"so I'm coming
for a short visit.
101
00:05:21,771 --> 00:05:23,704
Will arrive Wednesday.
Love, Mother."
102
00:05:23,773 --> 00:05:25,969
Oh. And you
thought it was trouble.
103
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,561
You always start the
trouble, all the time.
104
00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:31,779
Your mother?!
105
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,735
Alice, your mother isn't
stepping one foot in this house!
106
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:39,370
Not one foot, or we'll
never get rid of her.
107
00:05:39,439 --> 00:05:41,907
Listen, Ralph, she says she's
just coming for a short visit.
108
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,257
Short visit? Ha!
109
00:05:43,326 --> 00:05:44,626
Short visits?
110
00:05:44,695 --> 00:05:46,795
You know what
her short visits are!
111
00:05:46,864 --> 00:05:49,130
Like the last one, she
came for a short visit.
112
00:05:49,199 --> 00:05:51,800
Just for the holidays,
Christmas and New Year's.
113
00:05:51,869 --> 00:05:55,637
The only trouble is she came New
Year's and stayed till Christmas!
114
00:05:55,706 --> 00:05:57,216
Now, look, she's
not coming here,
115
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,051
because when she comes
here, I know what she does.
116
00:05:59,075 --> 00:06:00,108
She starts right in...
117
00:06:00,176 --> 00:06:02,010
Right in with the
wise cracks, Alice.
118
00:06:02,078 --> 00:06:04,345
"Poor Alice, hasn't got
a washing machine."
119
00:06:04,414 --> 00:06:06,481
"Poor Alice, hasn't
got an electric stove."
120
00:06:06,550 --> 00:06:08,583
"Poor Alice, hasn't
got a vacuum cleaner."
121
00:06:08,652 --> 00:06:10,919
You call your mother
and tell her she can't come.
122
00:06:10,988 --> 00:06:14,723
I can't. Poor Alice
hasn't got a phone, either.
123
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,025
I say something?
124
00:06:17,093 --> 00:06:19,193
Ralph, three-letter
word for "insect."
125
00:06:19,262 --> 00:06:20,595
Bug!
126
00:06:20,664 --> 00:06:22,998
Your mother is not
coming in this house, Alice!
127
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,416
You listen to me, Ralph,
128
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,834
my mother is coming, and
you are going to be nice to her.
129
00:06:26,903 --> 00:06:28,597
I'm gonna be nice to her?
130
00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:30,621
I'm gonna be nice to
her? That's impossible!
131
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:32,507
We don't get along!
132
00:06:32,576 --> 00:06:34,375
We're enemies. Natural enemies.
133
00:06:34,444 --> 00:06:36,877
Like a boa constrictor
and a mongoose.
134
00:06:36,946 --> 00:06:39,013
She hates me, Alice.
135
00:06:39,082 --> 00:06:40,481
Mother doesn't hate you, Ralph.
136
00:06:40,550 --> 00:06:41,849
It's just your imagination.
137
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,101
My imagination?
138
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,635
My imagination?
139
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:47,705
I suppose it was my imagination
the day we got married?
140
00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:49,419
And she went
around the reception
141
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,409
telling that joke about
me to everybody.
142
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:53,445
I suppose that
was my imagination.
143
00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:54,991
What joke? You know what joke.
144
00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:56,114
You remember the joke.
145
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:58,450
I don't remember...
Oh, yes, you do.
146
00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:00,478
She ran around to
everybody and said,
147
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,654
"I'm not losing a
daughter, I'm gaining a ton."
148
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,609
Think it's funny, huh, Alice?
149
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,079
Real funny, huh?
Sure, it's funny.
150
00:07:11,147 --> 00:07:13,447
You love it when she insults me.
151
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:15,476
I'm sorry, Ralph.
No, you're not sorry.
152
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:18,452
You just adore it when she
insults me in front of you.
153
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,641
You listen to me, Ralph...
You can stand on your head,
154
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,223
my mother is still coming.
155
00:07:22,292 --> 00:07:23,691
Oh, yeah?
156
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,537
Ralph, that three-letter
word for "bug" ain't right.
157
00:07:25,561 --> 00:07:27,201
It has to end in a "T."
158
00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:30,064
Put down "gnat," N-A-T. Look...
159
00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:32,767
Ed, "gnat" is
spelled with a "G."
160
00:07:32,835 --> 00:07:35,436
"Gnat" is spelled
N-A-T. Put it down.
161
00:07:35,505 --> 00:07:37,605
Alice, I got to go
along with Ralph.
162
00:07:37,673 --> 00:07:40,275
I got a guy that works
with me in the sewer,
163
00:07:40,343 --> 00:07:43,661
he don't spell it with
a "G." Nat Burnbaum.
164
00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:46,631
There you are, Nat Burnbaum
does not spell it with a "G."
165
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:47,999
Put it down, N-A-T.
166
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,735
Ed, the word you're
looking for is "ant," A-N-T.
167
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,071
A! A! A-N-T,
that's right, that's it.
168
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,439
Put down "nat."
169
00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:56,474
But ant... Put down "nat"!
170
00:07:56,543 --> 00:07:57,909
Ay.
171
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,577
Now, to get back to you.
172
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:01,395
Your mother is not coming here.
173
00:08:01,464 --> 00:08:03,214
I'm sick and tired
of her coming here
174
00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:04,816
and putting on that same record,
175
00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:06,596
"Oh, if my daughter
had only married
176
00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,154
one of those other fellows
instead of marrying you."
177
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,607
"If she'd only married Jack Townsend,
she would have had fur coats."
178
00:08:12,675 --> 00:08:16,094
"If she'd married Fred Bailey, she'd
have a big home on Long Island."
179
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:17,562
Well, let me tell you something.
180
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,098
I had some chances, too,
you know, before I married you.
181
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,566
( laughs derisively)
182
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:23,268
Don't laugh, Alice.
183
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:26,182
There were plenty of girls
crazy about me, and you know it.
184
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:29,268
Every time I went down to the
beach, they used to crowd around me.
185
00:08:29,292 --> 00:08:31,859
Sure. Sure they
crowded around you.
186
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:34,595
That didn't mean they
were crazy about you.
187
00:08:34,664 --> 00:08:37,264
They just wanted
to sit in the shade.
188
00:08:37,334 --> 00:08:39,434
( laughing)
189
00:08:39,502 --> 00:08:40,568
Shut up!
190
00:08:42,506 --> 00:08:44,055
Now, look, get
this into your head:
191
00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:46,090
your mother is
not coming in here.
192
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:47,336
Hey, Ralph, I'm stuck again.
193
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,292
Three-letter word...
194
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,972
Will you leave me alone?!
195
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:51,963
Three-letter word for "exit."
196
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,631
Out! That's it, that's good.
197
00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,433
Not that! Get out!
198
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,120
Out!
199
00:09:00,189 --> 00:09:02,423
You forgot the friendly
Racoon good-bye.
200
00:09:02,492 --> 00:09:04,158
Get outta here!
201
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:08,696
Have to be snaggled
with that maniac.
202
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:11,198
Listen, Ralph, you can
scream all you want to,
203
00:09:11,267 --> 00:09:13,934
but I want you to
get one thing straight.
204
00:09:14,003 --> 00:09:15,636
My mother is coming here,
205
00:09:15,705 --> 00:09:19,940
and my mother is always
welcome in my house.
206
00:09:20,009 --> 00:09:21,676
Your house?
207
00:09:21,745 --> 00:09:25,246
( mimicking voice:)
Yo-o-o-o-ur...
208
00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:26,831
h-o-o-o-use?!
209
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,100
This is my house, Alice.
210
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,602
M-Y house, my house.
211
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:32,671
My house.
212
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:34,873
Oh, I am sorry, Ralph.
213
00:09:34,941 --> 00:09:37,208
I forgot, it is your house.
214
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:39,543
You really have been
very big-hearted, Ralph,
215
00:09:39,612 --> 00:09:41,045
sharing it with me.
216
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:44,115
Letting me live here with
you in the lap of luxury like this.
217
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:47,451
Don't think that I don't
appreciate it, Ralph, 'cause I do.
218
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,621
After all, where else would I
get a beautiful home like this?
219
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:53,291
This place, Ralph,
you know what it is?
220
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:55,342
It's a regular Disneyland.
221
00:09:55,411 --> 00:09:57,128
Look, Ralph.
222
00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,465
Look at this wonderful view
that we have from the window.
223
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,100
Look, see.
224
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:05,303
Old man Grogan's long
underwear hanging on the line.
225
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,138
Garbage cans in the alley.
226
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,441
Back of a Chinese restaurant.
227
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:12,422
That's all part of my
Disneyland, too, you know, Ralph.
228
00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,579
That's mine... ( sighs)
229
00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:17,082
That is my Fantasy Land.
230
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,117
Now, Ralph, over
here, this sink.
231
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:20,186
See?
232
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:21,752
( metal clanks)
233
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,091
Every time I go
near that sink, Ralph,
234
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,259
I never know what's
gonna happen.
235
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,973
You know what the sink is?
236
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,562
That's my Adventure Land.
237
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:35,182
That stove and that ice box.
238
00:10:35,251 --> 00:10:37,285
That's Frontier Land.
239
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:41,355
There is only one thing, Ralph,
240
00:10:41,425 --> 00:10:44,659
that's missing from my
Disneyland, only one thing.
241
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,093
The world of tomorrow.
242
00:10:46,162 --> 00:10:49,197
I have nothing from
the world of tomorrow.
243
00:10:49,266 --> 00:10:51,699
You want the world
of tomorrow, Alice?
244
00:10:51,768 --> 00:10:53,445
Want the world of tomorrow?
245
00:10:53,469 --> 00:10:55,436
I'll give you the
world of tomorrow.
246
00:10:55,505 --> 00:10:59,507
You're going to the moon!
247
00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:04,378
Har-har-har-de-har-har.
248
00:11:04,447 --> 00:11:06,915
Ho-ho!
249
00:11:06,983 --> 00:11:08,716
Ha-ho!
250
00:11:08,785 --> 00:11:11,052
He, de...
251
00:11:13,857 --> 00:11:15,957
Okay, Alice.
252
00:11:16,026 --> 00:11:17,725
You've made your decision.
253
00:11:17,794 --> 00:11:19,427
You made it.
254
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:20,829
You made it clear to me
255
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:23,131
your mother is more
important than me.
256
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,100
Okay, you're welcome
to your mother.
257
00:11:26,169 --> 00:11:29,437
But you can't have her
and me at the same time.
258
00:11:29,505 --> 00:11:32,440
So when I come home from
the Racoon Lodge tonight,
259
00:11:32,508 --> 00:11:34,142
I'm moving in with Norton.
260
00:11:34,211 --> 00:11:37,345
And I am staying there until
your mother leaves this house.
261
00:11:37,413 --> 00:11:38,746
Good-bye!
262
00:11:38,815 --> 00:11:40,648
Ow!
263
00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:55,897
Bye, Cassidy. So long!
264
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,565
Whoo! Whoo!
265
00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:58,634
Bye!
266
00:11:58,668 --> 00:11:59,668
Whoo!
267
00:11:59,703 --> 00:12:01,135
( laughing)
268
00:12:01,204 --> 00:12:03,449
Well, Ralphie boy, that was
a good meeting, wasn't it?
269
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,206
Yeah, that was all right.
270
00:12:05,275 --> 00:12:07,319
Oh, hey, you know, that was a
very good suggestion you made there
271
00:12:07,343 --> 00:12:09,489
when the president asked
if anybody had any ideas
272
00:12:09,513 --> 00:12:11,780
for the Racoons to promote
international goodwill.
273
00:12:11,848 --> 00:12:13,481
That was a beaut, boy.
274
00:12:13,550 --> 00:12:15,283
Well, thought it
was pretty good?
275
00:12:15,351 --> 00:12:18,219
Well, what's better? You
said that after the meeting,
276
00:12:18,288 --> 00:12:19,921
instead of serving
chocolate cake,
277
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,189
serve pizza. I
mean, that does it.
278
00:12:22,258 --> 00:12:24,470
Well, it's a step in the
right direction, I'll say that.
279
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,794
I think so.
280
00:12:25,862 --> 00:12:27,373
Well, I'll get the cot out,
if you're going to sleep.
281
00:12:27,397 --> 00:12:28,095
We gotta get up early.
282
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,164
All right, pal.
283
00:12:29,198 --> 00:12:33,634
( scatting)
284
00:12:33,703 --> 00:12:35,269
Ah, here she is.
285
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:37,178
All right, I'll help
you open that.
286
00:12:37,206 --> 00:12:40,241
Hey, hey, hey! What
is going on out...?!
287
00:12:40,310 --> 00:12:42,877
Ralph, what are
you doing up here?
288
00:12:42,946 --> 00:12:45,679
Oh, uh, Ralph's gonna
spend a couple of days with us.
289
00:12:45,749 --> 00:12:48,294
I had a little
argument with Alice.
290
00:12:48,318 --> 00:12:49,962
Her mother-in-law's coming.
291
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,530
That is, my mother-in-law.
292
00:12:51,554 --> 00:12:52,787
Ralph, do you mean to tell me
293
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:54,956
that you left Alice because
her mother's coming?
294
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,523
Oh, that's ridiculous.
295
00:12:56,593 --> 00:12:59,026
I've met Alice's mother,
she's a sweet old lady.
296
00:12:59,095 --> 00:13:01,229
Look, Trix, if you don't
want me to stay here,
297
00:13:01,297 --> 00:13:02,941
I can go to a hotel
and get a room,
298
00:13:02,965 --> 00:13:05,445
but I will not stay under the
same roof with that woman.
299
00:13:05,469 --> 00:13:08,419
Oh, look, Ralph, I'm not
gonna force you to go to a hotel,
300
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,822
but I still think you're wrong.
301
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:12,390
Well, if you're
gonna sleep here,
302
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,926
you're gonna have to have
some bedding and a pillow.
303
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,628
Get 'em out of
the closet in there.
304
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:17,762
Here, I'll get 'em.
305
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:20,081
Ed, let Ralph get them.
306
00:13:20,149 --> 00:13:22,450
What? Let Ralph get them.
307
00:13:22,519 --> 00:13:24,352
Oh.
308
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:26,688
Ed, I want to talk to you.
309
00:13:26,756 --> 00:13:29,234
Look, we got to get Ralph to
go back downstairs with Alice.
310
00:13:29,258 --> 00:13:30,670
You got to convince
him that his place
311
00:13:30,694 --> 00:13:31,904
is with his wife no
matter what... But Trix...
312
00:13:31,928 --> 00:13:33,940
Ed, if you let Ralph
sleep here tonight,
313
00:13:33,964 --> 00:13:36,230
you'll be helping to
break up their marriage.
314
00:13:36,299 --> 00:13:37,732
But, Trixie, you...
315
00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:39,962
Ed, your duty is to get
him back with his wife.
316
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,831
Well, all right, all right,
I guess you're right.
317
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,021
Yes.
318
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,266
This ain't exactly
gonna get me in good
319
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:45,535
with the boys down
there, you know.
320
00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,069
They're not in favor
of happy marriages.
321
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:48,793
It spoils attendance.
322
00:13:50,714 --> 00:13:53,664
Ralph, don't you think
your place is with your wife?
323
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:55,299
What?
324
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,208
I mean, can you give
me one good reason
325
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:58,831
why you don't go
back with Alice?
326
00:13:58,855 --> 00:14:00,716
Yes, my mother-in-law's coming.
327
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:04,308
Trixie, I got to admit, he's
got a good reason there.
328
00:14:06,112 --> 00:14:08,445
I mean, why don't you
go downstairs with Alice?
329
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:09,564
Why should I?
330
00:14:09,633 --> 00:14:11,353
You want to get rid of me?
331
00:14:11,401 --> 00:14:12,850
No, no, it ain't that, Ralph.
332
00:14:12,919 --> 00:14:15,086
But, a man's place
is with his wife.
333
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:16,403
Your place is with Alice.
334
00:14:16,472 --> 00:14:18,572
A man's place is
with his wife, huh?
335
00:14:18,641 --> 00:14:22,576
Well, then why isn't Alice's
mother home with Alice's father?
336
00:14:22,645 --> 00:14:24,389
Look, your mother-in-law
coming ain't gonna be
337
00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:26,291
the worst thing in the
world happening, you know.
338
00:14:26,315 --> 00:14:28,883
No? Well, name one thing
that could possibly be worse
339
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,428
than my mother-in-law coming.
340
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:31,919
My mother-in-law coming.
341
00:14:31,988 --> 00:14:33,921
Boy, compared to her coming,
342
00:14:33,990 --> 00:14:37,024
the invasion of locusts
was a boon to mankind.
343
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:39,060
Don't start, Norton.
344
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,774
Don't try to compare your
mother-in-law with my mother-in-law,
345
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:44,065
'cause you gotta
lose. It's no match.
346
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,900
Yeah? Well you
got to be careful.
347
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:48,936
In Ring magazine, my mother-in-
law's number two contender
348
00:14:49,005 --> 00:14:50,604
for the Marciano title.
349
00:14:50,673 --> 00:14:54,508
I tell you, she looks at
Strike It Rich for laughs.
350
00:14:54,577 --> 00:14:57,611
Boy, if she ever got on
that $64,000 Question,
351
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,714
her category would be "Nasty."
352
00:14:59,782 --> 00:15:03,084
Yeah, well if she ever
got to the last question,
353
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:06,487
she'd have to bring my
mother-in-law along as an expert.
354
00:15:06,556 --> 00:15:08,823
Let me tell you something,
mine's got her beat.
355
00:15:08,892 --> 00:15:10,524
Got her beat a mile.
356
00:15:10,594 --> 00:15:13,527
I can't even afford to
feed her! Boy, can she eat.
357
00:15:13,597 --> 00:15:14,862
When she comes to dinner,
358
00:15:14,931 --> 00:15:16,764
she clears that
table like a hurdler.
359
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,032
And is she fat?
360
00:15:18,101 --> 00:15:19,981
From the front she looks
like you from the back.
361
00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:25,439
I tell you, they're just
not a couple of living dolls.
362
00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:28,943
I'll admit that, but we got to get
along with them and that's all...
363
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:31,646
When Trixie's mother comes
to visit, I don't leave her.
364
00:15:31,715 --> 00:15:34,682
If anybody's got a
reason to leave, I do.
365
00:15:36,385 --> 00:15:38,185
Maybe you're right, Norton.
366
00:15:38,254 --> 00:15:40,521
If you can get along
with your mother-in-law,
367
00:15:40,590 --> 00:15:42,523
I guess I can get
along with mine.
368
00:15:42,592 --> 00:15:44,057
I'm going back down.
369
00:15:44,126 --> 00:15:46,238
That's the spirit, Ralph,
go back to your wife.
370
00:15:46,262 --> 00:15:47,328
Okay, pal.
371
00:15:47,397 --> 00:15:49,075
Oh, Trix, I'm going
back down with Alice.
372
00:15:49,099 --> 00:15:51,099
Oh, Ralph, Ralph,
that's wonderful.
373
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,434
And believe me, you're
doing the right thing.
374
00:15:53,503 --> 00:15:55,136
Why, I just think
it's wonderful.
375
00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:58,106
You know, Ed gets along
with my mother so beautifully,
376
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:01,042
if you just try to get
along with Alice's mother,
377
00:16:01,111 --> 00:16:02,576
it'd just be wonderful.
378
00:16:02,646 --> 00:16:04,924
He thinks my mother is the
greatest thing that ever happened.
379
00:16:04,948 --> 00:16:07,214
The sun rises and sets
on her, according to Ed.
380
00:16:07,283 --> 00:16:10,217
So, if you wanted to
get rid of me, Norton,
381
00:16:10,286 --> 00:16:13,887
all you had to do was say
so. You didn't have to lie!
382
00:16:13,957 --> 00:16:15,468
Ralph, I wasn't lying to you.
383
00:16:15,492 --> 00:16:16,936
Believe me, I wasn't lying.
384
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,504
What do you mean
you weren't lying?
385
00:16:18,528 --> 00:16:20,272
She says you're
crazy about her mother,
386
00:16:20,296 --> 00:16:22,563
and you said she's the
meanest woman on earth.
387
00:16:22,632 --> 00:16:23,931
What?! You said what?
388
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,011
No, Trix, I didn't say
that. I didn't say that.
389
00:16:26,035 --> 00:16:28,535
Oh, then you were lying,
you did want to get rid of me.
390
00:16:28,604 --> 00:16:29,536
No, I wasn't lying.
391
00:16:29,605 --> 00:16:30,782
Well, what do you mean by saying
392
00:16:30,806 --> 00:16:33,124
that she's the most
impossible woman around?
393
00:16:33,176 --> 00:16:34,125
I didn't. Did I?
394
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,126
Then you meant it?
395
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:36,344
No, I didn't mean it.
396
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,011
Then you were lying? No.
397
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,348
Ed Norton, just what do
you think of my mother?
398
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:43,651
I think her mother is the
meanest, most miserable,
399
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,387
sweetest little old
lady that ever lived.
400
00:16:46,456 --> 00:16:50,290
Ed Norton, I wouldn't stay another
minute in this house with you.
401
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,860
I'm going downstairs and
spend the night with Alice.
402
00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:58,298
Well, let's get to bed, Ralph.
403
00:16:58,368 --> 00:17:00,634
We've got to get
up in the morning.
404
00:17:00,703 --> 00:17:03,704
I wouldn't stay in the
same room with you.
405
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:06,540
You sleep out here,
I'll go in the bedroom.
406
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:12,212
Uh, Ralph?
407
00:17:13,383 --> 00:17:14,515
Yes?
408
00:17:14,584 --> 00:17:15,899
Ain't you even gonna
409
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,035
give me a friendly
Racoon good-bye?
410
00:17:18,104 --> 00:17:20,621
Whooo!
411
00:17:25,195 --> 00:17:30,297
I wouldn't "ooh-ooh" you,
for anything in the world.
412
00:17:30,366 --> 00:17:33,334
Never again will
I "ooh-ooh" you.
413
00:17:33,402 --> 00:17:36,804
You are a traitor
and a turncoat.
414
00:17:36,873 --> 00:17:40,407
A disgrace to that uniform
and the Racoon Lodge.
415
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:44,578
I should "ooh-ooh" you?
416
00:17:52,889 --> 00:17:54,222
Norton?
417
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:55,556
Yeah?
418
00:17:55,625 --> 00:17:58,209
Ooh-ooh.
419
00:17:58,277 --> 00:18:01,345
Brother Racoon!
420
00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:17,178
Alice, you want anything
from the store besides the milk?
421
00:18:17,246 --> 00:18:19,891
Oh, yeah, you might as well
get a pound of margarine, too.
422
00:18:19,915 --> 00:18:21,348
Oh, okay, Alice.
423
00:18:26,789 --> 00:18:28,689
Well, go ahead.
424
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,045
All right, what are
you doing down here?
425
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,030
I come down to
get my bus uniform.
426
00:18:36,099 --> 00:18:38,265
Do you mind?
427
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:41,268
Is, uh, Miss Charm here yet?
428
00:18:43,506 --> 00:18:47,525
If you are referring
to my mother, no.
429
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:49,293
I might've known.
430
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:52,129
There's still some food
left around the house.
431
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:58,869
I certainly hope that you
are satisfied, Ralph Kramden.
432
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:01,405
I hope you're very
pleased with yourself.
433
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:04,058
Now that you have
the Nortons fighting, too.
434
00:19:04,127 --> 00:19:07,028
I have the Nortons fighting?
435
00:19:07,096 --> 00:19:09,797
I should be satisfied?
436
00:19:09,866 --> 00:19:11,260
This wasn't my fault, Alice.
437
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,816
This wasn't my fault.
438
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:15,730
Your mother started this whole
thing by coming here for a visit.
439
00:19:15,754 --> 00:19:17,204
She's the culprit.
440
00:19:17,273 --> 00:19:18,539
Do you realize, Ralph,
441
00:19:18,608 --> 00:19:21,241
what an embarrassing
position you're putting me in?
442
00:19:21,311 --> 00:19:24,244
What am I supposed to say
when my mother comes here
443
00:19:24,314 --> 00:19:25,613
and you're not here?
444
00:19:25,682 --> 00:19:27,615
What do I care what you say?
445
00:19:27,684 --> 00:19:30,284
Tell her I ran off
and joined the circus.
446
00:19:30,353 --> 00:19:32,252
What as? An elephant?
447
00:19:37,527 --> 00:19:39,877
Oh, you're a riot, Alice.
448
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:44,715
You are a regular riot!
449
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:47,885
Ha, ha, ha!
450
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:51,422
Oh, you must have everybody
in the building laughing!
451
00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:53,925
Ha, ha, ho!
452
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:56,227
You certainly are funny, Alice.
453
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,662
You ought to be in the circus.
454
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,409
You ought to be in the circus.
455
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:03,478
You'd be funnier than that guy they
got there, Emmet Kelly, the clown.
456
00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:04,835
Much funnier than him.
457
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:07,972
As a matter of fact,
you look a little like him.
458
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,707
Except for one thing,
the big red nose.
459
00:20:10,776 --> 00:20:14,511
And you might get
that before this is over.
460
00:20:16,282 --> 00:20:17,915
( knock on door)
461
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,616
That's my mother now, Ralph.
462
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:21,363
I'm getting out of here.
463
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:24,371
Ralph Kramden,
don't you dare leave.
464
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,008
( grumbles)
465
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:31,028
Come in.
466
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,165
Sonny!
467
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,036
Hello, Alice.
468
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:39,370
Hello, mother Kramden.
469
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:40,471
Mama!
470
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:44,108
Mom!
471
00:20:44,177 --> 00:20:46,177
What are you doing here, Mom?
472
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,679
Well, what are you
so upset about, Sonny?
473
00:20:48,747 --> 00:20:50,381
I sent you a telegram.
474
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:52,249
Oh.
475
00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:55,486
I thought it was Alice's
mother that sent the telegram.
476
00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:57,204
Oh, I didn't realize.
477
00:20:57,273 --> 00:20:59,407
I hope I didn't
cause any trouble.
478
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:00,935
Trouble? Oh, don't be silly.
479
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:03,527
How could you cause any
trouble, Mother Kramden?
480
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:05,795
You must be tired
now from your long trip.
481
00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:07,464
You wanna go inside and change?
482
00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:09,099
I'll take you in the bedroom.
483
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:10,734
Oh, thank you, Alice.
484
00:21:10,802 --> 00:21:12,469
You're so considerate.
485
00:21:12,538 --> 00:21:16,940
You know, Sonny, you're
lucky to have a wife like Alice.
486
00:21:43,586 --> 00:21:45,352
( grunts)
487
00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:04,955
( no dialogue)
488
00:22:21,507 --> 00:22:24,174
I'm sorry, Alice.
489
00:22:24,243 --> 00:22:27,778
Did it again, I guess.
490
00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:30,114
Boy, I don't know why
you put up with me.
491
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,917
Always got to put my foot...
492
00:22:32,985 --> 00:22:34,952
Here I am yelling and screaming
493
00:22:35,021 --> 00:22:36,987
because I think your
mother's coming.
494
00:22:37,056 --> 00:22:38,722
And my mother shows up
495
00:22:38,791 --> 00:22:43,460
and treated just as nice
as if nothing happened.
496
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:47,898
I don't know what to say,
497
00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:50,034
what to do, or anything else.
498
00:22:50,102 --> 00:22:53,603
Sorry.
499
00:22:53,672 --> 00:22:57,341
Ralph, last night
I found a letter
500
00:22:57,410 --> 00:23:00,010
that was written
by a pretty big man
501
00:23:00,079 --> 00:23:02,012
on the subject
of mother-in-laws.
502
00:23:02,081 --> 00:23:03,814
I wish you'd read it.
503
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:06,183
Out loud.
504
00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:17,861
"Dear Mom,
505
00:23:17,930 --> 00:23:21,698
"I just thought I'd
write and tell you this.
506
00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:25,102
"A mother-in-law is
the most criticized,
507
00:23:25,171 --> 00:23:27,304
"the most misunderstood,
508
00:23:27,373 --> 00:23:30,557
"and the most
defenseless of all women.
509
00:23:30,643 --> 00:23:33,544
"The average woman
must be clever enough
510
00:23:33,612 --> 00:23:35,212
"to know when to speak,
511
00:23:35,281 --> 00:23:39,115
"but a mother-in-law must
know when to keep silent."
512
00:23:39,185 --> 00:23:41,084
"She must be very wise.
513
00:23:41,153 --> 00:23:45,822
"Wise enough, sometimes,
to withhold advice,
514
00:23:45,891 --> 00:23:48,525
"although she knows
the answer to the problem.
515
00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:51,361
"A mother-in-law
must sit on a fence
516
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,864
"between her own child,
and a child by marriage.
517
00:23:54,933 --> 00:23:57,534
"And somehow, she
must keep her balance.
518
00:23:57,603 --> 00:24:00,904
"She must lean backwards
until her spine aches.
519
00:24:00,972 --> 00:24:03,940
"Or else she's
accused of being partial
520
00:24:04,009 --> 00:24:05,809
"and she isn't
permitted the luxury
521
00:24:05,877 --> 00:24:07,944
"of hurt feelings or tears.
522
00:24:08,013 --> 00:24:11,114
"If a person could
put themselves
523
00:24:11,183 --> 00:24:13,167
"in their mother-in-law's place,
524
00:24:13,236 --> 00:24:15,336
"weigh her in the balance,
525
00:24:15,404 --> 00:24:17,238
"be completely fair,
526
00:24:17,306 --> 00:24:21,108
"they'd nominate her for the
presidency of the United States.
527
00:24:21,177 --> 00:24:27,047
And she'd be the first
woman to make it."
528
00:24:27,116 --> 00:24:29,099
That's pretty
good. Who wrote it?
529
00:24:29,167 --> 00:24:31,034
You did.
530
00:24:33,172 --> 00:24:35,138
To my mother, Ralph.
531
00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:39,109
15 years ago when we
were on our honeymoon.
532
00:24:46,919 --> 00:24:49,202
I'm going out for
a little air, Alice.
533
00:24:51,540 --> 00:24:53,440
So long, sweetheart.
534
00:25:03,553 --> 00:25:07,571
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