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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:14,760 Bordea wants to drive the car and it's manual, 4 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,840 and I don't trust him in any way. 5 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,920 Oh, shit! 6 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,440 You have a show today, man! 7 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,720 - It doesn't have sensors, just saying. - For real? 8 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,640 - I don't think it has. It doesn't beep. - What an ancient motherfucker! 9 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:39,120 Ready, bitch? I'm ready bitch! I was born ready, bitch! 10 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,640 Yeah, bitch! 11 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:49,600 Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Bordea Cătălin! 12 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:10,840 Good evening! Welcome! 13 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:14,960 Once again, a round of applause for you, for coming tonight to be with me! 14 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,480 A round of applause for you! 15 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,440 And that you support stand-up comedy in Romania! 16 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,840 You have no idea what is in the soul of a comedian! 17 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,400 I shat my pants a little. 18 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,400 Does it show? I have new teeth! 19 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,080 I really thought sometimes that... 20 00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:39,440 As a man, to submit to this anxiety, to put yourself in front of the public. 21 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,400 People who look at you like this: 22 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,600 I would've been better off as a priest. 23 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,880 I would have had validation, money, older women. 24 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,760 I want to start with a piece of news. 25 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:58,280 I don't know if you've seen: religion will be introduced at GED. 26 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:01,360 How embarrassing would it be to fail at Parascheva? 27 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:02,920 Sometimes I think about... 28 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,160 So how many martyrs were there? 29 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,280 Did he walk on water or not? I forgot! 30 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,800 Your grandmother would be like: You embarrassed me at St. Parascheva! 31 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,560 I will never forgive you for this! 32 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,360 This stuff is old, but we still hold on to them. 33 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,760 We are among the only countries where we stick to this. 34 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:29,400 Traditions, chores, Epiphany! People who don't bathe! 35 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,640 People who don't shower the day before the Epiphany! 36 00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:37,280 If I shower... Stand in line in hell, like this: 37 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,280 Those who smell like soap, to the right! 38 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,680 God bless you. I didn't even know what it meant! 39 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,560 I wanted to call Bobonete to say happy birthday, I'm serious! 40 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,480 What did you get at GED? 41 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:02,440 How many times does one spit in one's breast when a cat passes by? 42 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,040 There are still old things in Romania that we cling to. 43 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,240 Fencing is still going on! 44 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,720 We still have the Romanian Fencing Federation! 45 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:16,440 And they're very cocky! 46 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,880 You see them in interviews, like this: How are you? 47 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,680 Don't provoke me, because... 48 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,040 I'll take this long needle and... 49 00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:36,400 I'll cut you! 50 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:38,320 Fencing. 51 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,560 Give them real swords, yes! It would be interesting! 52 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:44,360 Some assholes: Come on! 53 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:46,680 Originally on TikTok: 54 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:49,520 Come on, motherfucker, if you think you're a scribbler, 55 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,880 let me see you, bro! 56 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,440 Take your needle and come into the street! 57 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,280 Get your needle, get your mom, everyone out! 58 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:00,360 Let there be blood! 59 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,320 Bring back the tournament too. 60 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,000 You know the tournaments? With horses and long sticks. 61 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,240 They were like: their heads were bouncing, so... 62 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,720 Something else! Where's daddy? He's no more... 63 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,920 It was a tournament and goodbye! 64 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,760 Would you send your kid to fencing? What could he possibly learn? 65 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:27,200 And if he is attacked by three goons in a neighborhood, he says this: En Garde! 66 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,720 They'd be like: There are beekeepers here! 67 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,040 He's a boy dressed as a beekeeper, 68 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,360 with a long needle, that's what all the devils do! 69 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,960 They're on drugs, damn it, that's why! 70 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,920 I don't know, he's a cosmonaut beekeeper, we can't decide! 71 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:42,720 Yes, see through that net! 72 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,080 You send him to take swimming lessons! 73 00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:48,720 When he's small, you send him swimming, in case of a flood, 74 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,760 you can send him to a bar, to get you three beers. 75 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,280 Something else! 76 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,360 You don't make children to love them, you make them to use them! 77 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,480 In other words, we are not entering Schengen! 78 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:10,080 Kelemen Hunor threatened Iohannis... 79 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,320 Who is Kelemen Hunor? I don't know exactly. 80 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:14,720 I wasn't interested. 81 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:17,840 When I saw him on TV, I thought he was a Hungarian superhero. 82 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,720 Superman, Kelemen. 83 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,800 One who appears and does: Kurtos kalacs. 84 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,040 And all the criminals are: It's too sweet! 85 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,320 I can't resist it! What is it, bro? Sweet bread? It's not a cake! 86 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,920 Why doesn't it have filling? What is this? Kurtos kalacs. 87 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:41,400 I was watching TV, and Kelemen appeared, very nervous. 88 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,080 And he said: Schengen! That much I understood! 89 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,360 And he said: Iohannis! 90 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,200 And that's what I understood and then he did: 91 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,600 And they didn't translate. 92 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,600 And I was: Maybe he's broken. 93 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,400 I have nothing against Hungarians! But, when they speak, 94 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,560 they sound like a teddy bear falling down the stairs. 95 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,480 No need! 96 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,760 That's my imagination! 97 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:16,600 And he threatened him, and Iohannis appeared, who said: 98 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,000 We shall see. 99 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:20,280 Then, he left! 100 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:25,520 And I was: you stoic motherfucker, you can't do something like that! 101 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,480 We shall see. He finished him! 102 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,560 And Kelemen was like: 103 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,240 Tomorrow, Iohannis will say: 104 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,320 We will see. 105 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:40,600 You have nothing to answer, this line shuts you down. 106 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,320 This line is fatality! 107 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,320 It is full of arguments and meaning and "You'll see!" 108 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:49,880 Tomorrow, wherever you are, you park wherever you want, 109 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:52,840 the neighbor says: Will you move your car? It's my place! 110 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,960 We shall see. You messed with his head! And then you go! 111 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,080 You don't wait to see what we'll see. 112 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:03,520 If they call you from the bank? Will you pay your installments? We shall see. 113 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,520 There will be a buzz in the bank. 114 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:08,680 What did he say? That we shall see. 115 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,720 What shall we see? Whatever he sees, I don't know when. 116 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,320 But something we'll see. We'll see when we shall see! 117 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,320 We are not entering Schengen! We don't know what it means! 118 00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,800 Some interviews in the countryside: Do you want to be in Schengen? 119 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:23,400 And a guy was like: 120 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,520 Yes! How much is it? 121 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,840 And he was looking for money! How much is it? 122 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,120 For my wife, my mother-in-law and three children. 123 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,680 We want six such Schengens. 124 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:40,960 Yes, give it to me! 125 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,840 How are we supposed to do it? The country is not ready. 126 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,280 If you travel through this country, the road builders don't do anything. 127 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:51,840 They're breeding with each other, I don't know if you noticed. 128 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,840 The road is not ready, but it's eight of them! 129 00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:00,440 When you come the second time, 16! Where the fuck did you come from? 130 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:03,440 They fuck each other, instead of laying asphalt, that's it: 131 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,480 Wait, Nicu, wait, I just received a good salami! 132 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:09,520 Gimme the beer, gimme the beer! 133 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,760 We need a human traffic light, let's make another one! 134 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,800 Have you seen the green ones? One is green and one is red! 135 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,160 And they're wasted, like this! 136 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,760 Sorry! Green, green! Pass, pass! 137 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,640 The country is not ready! 138 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,400 And it's fine the way it is! It's good! 139 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:34,000 I'm pissed by those who say: We want a country like abroad! 140 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:40,480 We were away in Italy for two weeks and we saw what civilization means! 141 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:45,520 Stop the corruption, let's make a country like abroad! 142 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,720 And I'm like: Man... Leave it like that! 143 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,520 This is the country you can manage, the country where everything goes, 144 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,520 the country your daddy said... 145 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,120 You know who daddy is? I mean, the grandfather... 146 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,640 And just like that, you want a better country 147 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:04,960 and I get it, frustration accumulates. You want infrastructure, better schools 148 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,120 and better hospitals but you want the rules observed? 149 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,760 Well, that's why it works in other places, because they're drastic, 150 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,320 they don't look at you! 151 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,760 In Germany, if a public institution closes at eight o'clock, 152 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:29,760 the German lady puts in the key and says: Ich weine nein! 153 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,880 And she left, in a hurry to get it! 154 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:38,080 Hans prays in vain. As Hans says: Ich weine vogel! 155 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,920 She's left! Here? Let's see what we can do! 156 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,600 The lady closes the business and a dude in the back is like: Closed? 157 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:53,040 It's in capital letters: eight o'clock! And he's like: Is it closed? 158 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,200 And she says: Yes. But is it really? 159 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,720 So what do I do with this million? 160 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,840 And she says: But I can't leave you in the street here. 161 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,080 How you turn back time! Go! 162 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:15,800 You want rules like abroad? Observe them! Fuck you! We don't stop for the sign. 163 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:19,000 The give way sign! It can save your life! 164 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,760 There are people who go: Your mother should give way, bitch! 165 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,320 Do you know who the fuck Mihai is? Mihai doesn't give way, man! 166 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,600 He got over, flattened him, and then he's like: 167 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,000 Motherfucker, I didn't know he was... 168 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:34,320 Well! 169 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,720 There are people run over by the train in the car! 170 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,360 The barrier was lowered, but there was some space! 171 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:50,240 And he's not your fool! He says: My car fits, fuck you! 172 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:56,880 Boom! And he's in heaven, going like: It's the first time the train passes. 173 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:01,080 I thought it was witchcraft, a conspiracy theory. 174 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,320 A train passing... Nothing passes, you know? 175 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,880 Let those on the other side have time to prepare for me, Mihai! 176 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,920 We are unpredictable! 177 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:16,080 Romania, after the First World War, declared war on America. Us, Romanians! 178 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,200 I'm serious! 179 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,080 Everything on the planet was over, 180 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,800 everyone was dancing, peace, peace, peace... 181 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:30,800 And Romania... 182 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,920 They sent a horseman with a letter, imagine that! 183 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:40,800 He's still on Prahova Valley, New Year's Eve caught him there. 184 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,040 A letter! 185 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,360 Who wrote it? 186 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:58,600 He didn't realize it the next day, so he must have been drunk! 187 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,600 Iuliu Maniu something, I have no idea, 188 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:04,720 a minister overjoyed by the end of the First World War, said: You know what? 189 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:09,640 Summon the Council! 190 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:11,760 Give me a feather. 191 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,520 Let's fuck them up! 192 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:29,560 You crazy motherfucker! The others said. I wonder... 193 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:34,640 I wonder, at the White House, 194 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,800 that person who read the mail, 195 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,880 and he saw this... 196 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:48,880 a stamp with Cuza or whoever was the ruler at that time... 197 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,840 Scribbled all over! Fuck you! 198 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,800 They said to themselves: Romania! And someone else asked: Ro-What? 199 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:09,280 What did they say? They said: Come out if you've got the guts! 200 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,600 It's a fantastic country, I swear! 201 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:17,920 We didn't declare war... 202 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,560 Not that we didn't declare war, we didn't conquer! 203 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,360 Our country has never conquered other countries! 204 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,240 We saw to our shit. 205 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,520 And now the Third World War is coming: Let it come... 206 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,400 They'll ask: Who's side are you on? Who's winning? 207 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,360 We won't resist, two days maximum. 208 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,760 Okay, sorry. 209 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,800 We went with the flow, sorry! 210 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,280 Russians, Germans, whatever, get along! 211 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,360 We haven't conquered any country, we didn't discover new lands. 212 00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:57,040 Bah, Romanians! They went, well! 213 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,840 To nowhere! 214 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,720 And they came back and said: Yo, come here! 215 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,200 We discovered something! 216 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,840 We'll call it Zimnicea! 217 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,040 Or something... Saloniki, whatever! 218 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:20,120 Nothing! And I'll tell you why. Because we have beautiful women. 219 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,760 Well, think, think a little. We had no reasons to leave. 220 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:29,320 The Northmen, they would leave. You know how huge they are! 221 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:34,280 They would go like: Hans! 222 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,440 Hans was: Dude, make a boat! 223 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:40,560 What's a boat? I don't know, make it up. We're crossing the ocean! 224 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,840 Go, go, go! Hans! 225 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:48,320 Here, our big breasted women making stews, like that! 226 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,000 Why leave, you know? 227 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,120 And even so, do you want a brandy? We'll conquer later! 228 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,080 Now, there is a national panic, and I don't understand why. 229 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:05,000 There is a national panic about drugs. There are drugs in Romania. 230 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,280 It was on TV, there were six people live and there were six such-and-such houses, 231 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:10,960 there were six such-and-such houses. 232 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,760 There was a lady with a perm and glasses falling off, 233 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,080 and she was looking here, looking here. 234 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,000 And you could see one of her eyes, and she screamed: 235 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,040 There are drugs! In the country! 236 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:25,760 And I was... 237 00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:31,640 Damn it! 238 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,640 And someone else: Where do they come from? 239 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,520 I don't know, I shit you not! 240 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,160 There have been drugs since forever, 241 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,920 man has always felt the need to fuck up his reality, 242 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:51,800 since ancient times, the aborigines used to lick frogs. 243 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,920 And they saw things: 244 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,760 My mother-in-law seems friendlier, damn it! 245 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,760 There are drugs in the country! Of course there are! They're everywhere! 246 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,040 We must stop the drugs! I was like: 247 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,480 Good luck! 248 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:12,320 Not possible! 249 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,280 This scourge is too great! This thing is too big! You cannot! 250 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,480 At one point, I was watching a documentary about Dubai, 251 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,480 on National Geographic, 252 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,400 about the airport in Dubai, with the tightest security. 253 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,080 They're hell-bent on drugs, 254 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:32,200 and there was a drug cop, dressed as a drug cop, 255 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:36,640 with a German shepherd, also dressed as a German shepherd, so everything was... 256 00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:40,840 And a reporter walking around after them, and she's very official. 257 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,400 She goes: We don't miss anything! And I was like... 258 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:45,880 You're full of shit! 259 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,920 You did miss something! 260 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,440 And the reporter asked: How do you do it? 261 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,160 And she said: We look at everyone who passes by! 262 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,680 I was: No shit! They did not expect this! 263 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:00,160 Eye to eye. 264 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,680 And the information that broke me was this. 265 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,200 And we are... 266 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:10,960 When we see you sweating profusely, you have something to hide. 267 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,400 And I was like... No way! 268 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,319 Cotabiță can' go through Dubai! 269 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,160 Where is Cotabiță? 270 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:24,760 Has anyone seen him? 271 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,880 Cotabiță and Crin Antonescu. Listen! Cotabiță is like this... 272 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,600 Somewhere in the airport, in Dubai, they're still looking for him. 273 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,120 He has nothing on him, but he sweats! 274 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,280 I've been sweating since childhood! The world inside me is crying! 275 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:47,680 There's nothing to do! 276 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:52,160 I need a legal one! A legal one! Leave us a legal one! 277 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,320 Just like drinking is legal! Leave us some booze, anything! 278 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,600 It is controlled, it's taxed! 279 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,840 Some do it at home. My grandma makes brandy at home! 280 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:05,480 She calls it a hen-house, but those chicken don't lie! 281 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:06,760 They go like this: 282 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,560 To lay eggs through their beaks. They're drunk! 283 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:19,080 Leave us one, give us marijuana, it's from the ground, 284 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,240 it grows from there, the sky waters it, it grows! 285 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,520 You can't OD from marijuana. 286 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,640 At most, you'll see a guy in Blaj 287 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,960 defending himself from bunnies, like... 288 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,760 What will happen? Will we laugh too much? 289 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:44,120 Leave us at least one! Are we that based? 290 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,400 Romania, what will happen? What if I go to work with pleasure? 291 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,960 To see a Romanian like this, from Alba Iulia, leaving on foot: 292 00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,480 Where are you going? To make some nuts and bolts. 293 00:18:58,480 --> 00:18:59,800 I can't wait! 294 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,200 Let them! It's going great! 295 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:08,200 Holland is going great! 296 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:12,480 Some states in America, Spain, have legalized it, 297 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,400 everything is legal! 298 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,200 And they're going so strong! 299 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:20,920 I was there in December, my shit was freezing inside me! They don't get cold! 300 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:24,760 They were on bicycles, in shorts, like this: 301 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:27,720 It was December! 302 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,760 And our grannies scream every winter: We want centralized heating! 303 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,160 Give them a gram on the ladder! 304 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,800 Through the radiator, like that! 305 00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:46,680 And your grandma will call you: Do you also listen to Bob Marley? 306 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,560 I'm hot, nephew, I'm hot. 307 00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:53,080 I took off my teeth implant, but I'm still too hot. 308 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:55,720 Let them have it! 309 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,680 This is what annoyed me! 310 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:03,640 The state protects its citizen from themselves! No shit! 311 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,960 Because the citizen are like children, they don't know what they want. 312 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,440 If you give them drugs, they'll take them. You think? 313 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,240 And now, if they're illegal? Now, as well, but... 314 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:18,960 At least they hide! 315 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,600 The lady with glasses is surprised! There are drugs in the country! 316 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:24,760 Leave it! 317 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,120 Anyone can fuck up their reality if they choose to do so! 318 00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,760 You choose... Consciously, yes! 319 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:33,480 You don't give it to kids, teenagers or in schools, but what happens to you? 320 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,720 At 38? Leave me the fuck alone! 321 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,080 I want next to it, look here, 322 00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,120 there should be a dairy and a marijuana shop next to it! 323 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,600 And I can choose whether I'll take milk or see the cow! 324 00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:54,320 I'm not saying it's good, but that's how I would like it. 325 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,000 You don't even feel like driving. 326 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,200 You smoke something, you get in the car, but you don't leave. 327 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,400 You're like: Hey, but no, what the hell? 328 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,600 I don't know what's in front of me. 329 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,720 In front is the unknown, I know what is here. 330 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,280 It's my car. 331 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,640 I have electric windows. 332 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,520 It comes, it goes/ 333 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:25,400 Something else! 334 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:31,640 They caught me. They thought they caught me. 335 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,520 They stopped me in traffic. 336 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,200 I was driving home one evening. 337 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,520 They flashed their lights at me from behind. 338 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,440 I don't speak "flashing lights". I didn't stop. 339 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:46,240 Red blue, red blue, what the fuck is this? I'm not a Steaua fan. 340 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,920 I also tapped my phone in the back White, white. 341 00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,760 They honked at me, like that: Pull over! 342 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,280 And I said God, this is God. What more do you want? 343 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:07,000 I pulled over, I got scared, to be fair, I got scared. 344 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:11,440 And then I had a choice to make. I have a flaw. I make jokes. 345 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:17,520 Bad, good... They're mine! It depends on how the person responds. 346 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,400 I was sitting in the car like this... 347 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:25,160 And half of my neurons said... No! 348 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,000 Let's go home. Let's watch Netflix. 349 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,200 The other half said: Come on, man! 350 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,000 You'll regret it later. 351 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:42,200 And I saw out of the corner of my eye the policeman approaching. 352 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,200 He tapped on my window with his flashlight, 353 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,560 so I opened the window and said: 354 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:48,240 One serving of French fries and a hamburger, please. 355 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,520 You're laughing, he didn't! 356 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,880 He looked at me blankly, he leaned over: Get out of the car, it's a drug raid! 357 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,080 Stay the fuck back, you're scaring the camel! 358 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,040 Can't you see it? 359 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:16,200 It's not your fault, he doesn't see you. 360 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:17,920 But you exist and you're beautiful! 361 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,400 You have the coolest humps I've ever seen! 362 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:23,480 And your lips... two petals... 363 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:34,600 He didn't laugh! Just to chuckle a bit, to say ha-ha! 364 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,480 He yelled even louder: Get out of the car! 365 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,800 And I said: If I'm drugged, I'm drugged here, too. 366 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,840 I won't get sober outside. 367 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,400 I got out of the car, behind me an old man stopped, 368 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,000 another patrol stopped an old man, at around 70, 369 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,960 he looked at me like: What's, what's...? 370 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,280 I won't rat him out, I'm not a snitch: You see, ask him! 371 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,040 He was preparing the mouthpiece... 372 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,520 And I asked him: Why did you stop him? 373 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,080 It's a drug raid! So what if he's drugged? 374 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,600 He's 70 years old! What can he do? 375 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:16,600 At most, function normally! 376 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:20,280 Pee halfway down the leg, not all the way! 377 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:25,640 I don't want a pension from the Romanian state at 85, 378 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,400 because it's shit, you can't use it for anything. 379 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,360 Give me marijuana! I want a postman with dreads, 380 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:35,280 so he can say: Get out, man! 381 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,000 So I can come out shaking, like: He's here! 382 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,120 My grandkids will call me: What are you doing? 383 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,360 I'm petting the penguins in the kitchen. 384 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,120 They've laid such beautiful eggs! 385 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:55,760 I didn't get anything for you. 386 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:00,520 He shoved that mouthpiece in my mouth: 387 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:05,200 He took it out and I went after the mouthpiece for a bit... 388 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:06,960 I've had a tough life! 389 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,280 I said: Give me the mouthpiece again, 390 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:15,960 I don't think I've shown him what I can do! 391 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:23,120 And he put that mouthpiece into a device, and stared at me blankly. 392 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,640 And he asked: Did you take drugs, Mr. Bordea? 393 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,840 And I said: We'll see. 394 00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:42,480 Investigate, dude. 395 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:45,480 It's easy if I tell you. 396 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:50,120 Plus, I don't rat people out. I didn't even know what... 397 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:51,360 I've got things to do. 398 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:56,440 Yeah, he put that stick in the device, no light came on. 399 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:58,640 He looked at me in awe! 400 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,440 He and the camel, too, because the camel went to him... 401 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:11,320 And he was like: Do you really see me? 402 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,520 Put it back in, I think the device is broken. 403 00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,880 Don't tell me I paid a million for a bag of lemongrass. Don't tell me that. 404 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:23,560 Don't tell me I've been smoking soup for a week. Don't tell me that. 405 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,760 I missed my grandma, but I didn't know why. 406 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,160 They're bad, fuck them! 407 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,640 It's not the raid that annoy me. It's good, leave it there! 408 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,400 Although I told them: It's badly placed! 409 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,440 They said: What do you mean? First of all, it's Wednesday! 410 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,160 Who gets high on a Wednesday? 411 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,040 Are we savages? 412 00:26:56,440 --> 00:27:00,360 You do it on Fridays and Saturdays! Like any civilized person! 413 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:04,040 And I said: Don't stay here, to catch me and this old man! 414 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,560 Go in front of any fancy club in this country 415 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,680 and wait for them, Mr. Policeman! 416 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,120 They'll come to you! 417 00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:13,920 And don't put the mouthpiece in, if they go... 418 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,320 You think they turn during a full moon? 419 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,680 A werewolf dressed in Balmain! 420 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,160 If you see one doesn't seem to have his teeth, 421 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:26,120 but has taken them from someone else... 422 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:29,640 If you see he's calling a taxi, 423 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,080 but he doesn't get in and runs alongside it... 424 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:37,200 It snowed on that boy! 425 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:47,760 The policeman's attitude annoyed me. The police in Romania have no authority. 426 00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:51,040 Unfortunately, they have no authority. 427 00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:53,360 They're scared shitless. They're trembling... 428 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:55,600 You beat your wife and she calls the police, 429 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,720 the police stand at the gate like this: Why are you fighting? 430 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:05,240 And the lady is like: Come in! We don't want to disturb! 431 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,080 She even has a sword, we don't have the same energy. 432 00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:16,280 They don't! This was the policeman's representative from the police-land. 433 00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:18,520 He was official like that. 434 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,560 They don't have it when they should! 435 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,080 They caught me and an old man, put the mouthpieces in our mouths, 436 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:25,120 scared the camel, damn it! 437 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,840 And then they left! Bravo! 438 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:29,720 While next to us 439 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:33,760 there were probably cars passing with trunks full of drugs, dead whores. 440 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,040 They caught the old man and the bald one. 441 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:39,120 Neither of them was drugged. 442 00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:43,360 Here, to be arrested, you have to be unlucky. 443 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:48,920 You have to be really dumb. You're either unlucky or you surrender. 444 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:52,320 You go in and say: I can't take the pressure anymore! 445 00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:54,520 I've been investigated for three years. 446 00:28:55,320 --> 00:28:56,800 I'll solve it the case for you. 447 00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:00,160 I'm a civil servant and I have this palace. Figure that out! 448 00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:09,960 Case closed! 449 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,680 Did you see the neighbors are surprised 450 00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:16,400 when the special forces storm in on someone at six in the morning? 451 00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:19,480 How did you catch him? 452 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,560 You, with the brown eyes, how? 453 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:25,720 Did he call you? 454 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:28,040 Did he say he had a fight with his wife and that he'd go anywhere, 455 00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:29,640 but it's a bit drastic? 456 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,360 Did you see that guy from Sibiu? He stayed with me. 457 00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:35,840 He stayed with me as an example. 458 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:39,520 A guy caught driving, drunk and without a license. 459 00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:42,480 They took him to the station and in two hours he was out. 460 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:48,360 He took the police car, because he didn't have a car anymore. 461 00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:56,240 And he gave fines all over Sibiu! Can you imagine? 462 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:03,880 They caught him in a few hours. 463 00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:06,160 They looked for him in the station for an hour. 464 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:10,120 How the hell do you look for him in the station? There were some playful cops! 465 00:30:10,120 --> 00:30:12,720 I think they're playing hide and seek, wait. 466 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:18,440 One, two, count to a thousand! Come out! 467 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:21,040 Don't be an asshole! I gave you coffee! 468 00:30:22,160 --> 00:30:23,240 How do you catch him? 469 00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:26,560 And now you think they crucified him in Sibiu City Hall naked 470 00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:28,920 and the kids throw eggs at him? 471 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,000 No, he's at home, regretting it. 472 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,840 He's not allowed to drive anymore, as if he were back then. 473 00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:40,160 They've ruined it for me! I can't believe 474 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:42,960 I'm not allowed to drive high, drunk, and without a license anymore. 475 00:30:42,960 --> 00:30:45,440 You've ruined my life, screw you all. 476 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:47,440 Fine, I'll go to college! 477 00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:53,480 You don't experience anything, you experience it hard, hard, 478 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,520 because you're being investigated! 479 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,280 I always see on the news: 480 00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:00,560 "Now he's under judicial control or under investigation." 481 00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:04,080 And I'm like: What the hell are you investigating? Look at him! 482 00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:09,640 I have an uncle in Botoșani who was coming back from a wedding, 483 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:13,560 very drunk, driving in the morning, coming from the wedding, missing an eye. 484 00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:17,320 He was like a cyclops, damn it. 485 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:22,120 He looked sideways in order to drive straight. 486 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,080 He could only see with this eye, the left one worked. 487 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,880 The police stopped him, when he opened the window, 488 00:31:28,880 --> 00:31:31,160 six fireworks came towards him, like that. 489 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:36,360 And the policeman, even though he saw that he was... 490 00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,880 He had both headrests turned towards him. 491 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:43,560 They asked him, "Are you drunk?" 492 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,640 And he said, "I might, but you should see what's coming behind me!" 493 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:57,480 He's at home too, regretting it! 494 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:01,840 From now on, he has to drive with both eyes! 495 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:08,960 It's not an unsafe state, it's not a state where... 496 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:13,160 We're still lucky. I don't know if you realize, we're lucky. 497 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:15,320 The police, as it is, 498 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:19,080 we live in a country where we can afford to have such a police. 499 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:23,200 I saw what an unsafe state means and you recognize an unsafe state 500 00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:25,960 based on how the police are dressed there. 501 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,600 I've been to Mexico. They were ready to die. 502 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:32,760 They patrolled the park wearing bulletproof vests, helmets, balaclavas, 503 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:36,320 clad in their own version of bulletproof vests or whatever they had. 504 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:38,200 With a machine gun! 505 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,360 A machine gun on the car. And they were like: "Que? Que?" 506 00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:43,680 And here...? 507 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:47,320 Take a look during summer! 508 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:53,080 In Mediaș, Arad, Suceava, Botoșani, Iași, Huedin, Alba Iulia, Blaj, 509 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,280 in the city center, how that agent is dressed: 510 00:32:56,280 --> 00:33:02,480 all chubby, with that potbelly, as if he's never taken a shit in his life. 511 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:05,720 Looks like he holds top secrets there. 512 00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:13,160 Sweating, with two ponds here, he has fish under his armpits. 513 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:18,400 With the blue shirt unbuttoned, 514 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:23,720 with trousers and shoes with high heels. 515 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,640 This guy is not a cop. 516 00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:28,240 He's the father of a bride at the end of a wedding. 517 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:31,560 He's supposed to protect you! 518 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:38,120 And he does like this: 519 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:41,960 It's traffic. 520 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,480 This is not at all an unsafe country. 521 00:33:52,080 --> 00:33:54,720 I like to do something that I wouldn't recommend. 522 00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,680 When I'm home alone, and now I am for a long time. 523 00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:13,920 In the next special... 524 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:20,520 Sometimes, when I'm peaceful at home, I light up a cigarette... 525 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:23,600 - What kind? - That one... 526 00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,239 Because it's going to be an audience... 527 00:34:30,159 --> 00:34:32,560 There's nothing in it! It's just newspapers. 528 00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:34,600 These are the newspapers I collect for that. 529 00:34:36,159 --> 00:34:38,440 And I light it and I switch to news channels. 530 00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:41,480 Especially those that are I'm hot on conspiracy theories. 531 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:43,600 So when I come across a good conspiracy theory, 532 00:34:43,600 --> 00:34:44,560 I shit myself, man! 533 00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:46,560 So I sit there and I'm like: Go on, come on! 534 00:34:47,239 --> 00:34:50,239 Adults eating shit! It's fantastic, fuck me! 535 00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:52,080 I saw one, it was Gâdea, he was standing up, 536 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:53,840 when Gâdea stands up, it's serious business! 537 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,560 Because when he stands up like that, 538 00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:59,480 stiff, his forehead goes backward, a bit more, like that. 539 00:35:01,280 --> 00:35:04,640 And I said: It's serious! He's standing! 540 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:09,120 In the studio, a bearded guy in a traditional shirt... 541 00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,400 A free Dacian, not a locked up one. 542 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:16,080 A general, and at one point, he said: "The extraterrestrials are coming!" 543 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,080 And I said: "Of course!" 544 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:22,880 Go on, you're convincing! 545 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:27,680 And he said: "Well, how do you know?" Well, eh! It's obvious! 546 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:29,920 And I was... 547 00:35:32,240 --> 00:35:34,800 And he said: "Didn't you see those balloons on the planet? 548 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,200 That appeared inexplicably? It's them!" 549 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,280 And then, the commercials came in! 550 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:43,520 And I was smoking, and I was... 551 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:48,560 But I bought it! 552 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,240 The newspapers got me, and I created my own scenario! 553 00:35:52,840 --> 00:35:54,920 It's obvious! The general said so! 554 00:35:54,920 --> 00:35:57,920 It's obvious! Clearly... It was an alien's birthday. 555 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,200 They had a party on the ship. 556 00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,600 The reptilian bastards got shitfaced. 557 00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:08,320 One left the window open and the balloons with: 558 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:11,640 "Happy cylindrical-ass year!" Everywhere. It's obvious! 559 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:15,800 I got it, man! 560 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:20,200 And then, they resumed the show... That fucked me up good! 561 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:24,320 The guy in the traditional shirt, with a beard, took the floor and said: 562 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:28,280 "Let them come, man! Because we welcome them," he said. 563 00:36:30,760 --> 00:36:33,160 Romanians welcome any species! 564 00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:39,680 We give them bread, salt and brandy! 565 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:42,640 We don't discriminate! 566 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,760 And I was smoking and I was like: Bullshit... 567 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,160 We don't get along with the Hungarians! 568 00:36:52,240 --> 00:36:54,040 And they look just like us! 569 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,160 No difference! 570 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:01,600 Except they speak gibberish, as it seems to us... 571 00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:05,200 Let's solve this first! 572 00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:09,320 There's no way! Any species... 573 00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:12,640 At one point, I was drinking with a friend 574 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:15,200 and I was a bit tipsy, and then he asked me: 575 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:19,120 "If the aliens come, what will you do?" And I said: "I'll leave the country!" 576 00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:24,680 He said: "Why?" I said: "Think about it! 577 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:28,520 If they come to our country 578 00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:31,080 and encounter the government we have now, right? 579 00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:33,560 And they see her, here comes Șoșoacă! 580 00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:40,240 In her tight dress, like that... saying: 581 00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:44,880 'Aliens, suck my pussy!' 582 00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:55,160 I'd be ashamed! 583 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:57,840 I couldn't look the reptilian in the eye! 584 00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:01,600 He came from millions of light years away. And he would ask: Who is she? 585 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:05,080 A lady. 586 00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:10,400 Well, what is she? A senator. 587 00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:14,120 And who elected her? 588 00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:20,440 It was autumn, the wine was ready... Wanna drink some brandy? 589 00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:27,360 Romanians are not racist? Some of us are, unfortunately. 590 00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:30,200 They are. We have a hidden racism like that. 591 00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:31,960 Some golden boys somewhere 592 00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:37,040 will look at those aliens and say: Look! Look at them! 593 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,640 Look at him, he has three heads, none of them are gypsy. 594 00:38:40,640 --> 00:38:42,080 How do they do it, man? 595 00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:46,400 You can't help but feel ashamed! 596 00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:53,800 Artificial intelligence! 597 00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:56,600 Now everyone is crazy about artificial intelligence! 598 00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:58,840 People on Facebook, whole groups saying: 599 00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:01,640 Take shelter! Build bunkers! 600 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,520 Get oil and flour! 601 00:39:05,200 --> 00:39:08,160 Because they're coming! Who, man? The intelligence, man! 602 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:14,200 The intelligence that will make robots and come to shoot us down! Bang-bang! 603 00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:19,520 You're laughing now, but you'll see: Invasion in Blaj: Bang-bang. 604 00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:23,920 Where are you going, sir? To Alba Iulia! 605 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:25,560 You have three barriers until you get there! 606 00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:27,440 They haven't been able to make... 607 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:32,360 You have get through the road construction teams! 608 00:39:33,560 --> 00:39:36,720 Build your own bridge if you're so smart, 609 00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:40,040 like the artificial intelligence, and then conquer us! 610 00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:47,120 You can't! An AI that will make robots, that will mess up your shit. 611 00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,440 Terminator style... 612 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:51,960 We're running... Wait... 613 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:54,480 Do you know who my father is? 614 00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:01,400 I have a thermostat like you! 615 00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:06,080 AI won't create robots. 616 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:09,080 If AI will want to exterminate us as a race... 617 00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:12,560 You, right now, have a mobile phone with a front-facing camera. 618 00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:14,480 It sees you, sees your eyes, 619 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:19,440 sees your pupils dilating with hatred as you scroll. 620 00:40:19,440 --> 00:40:22,720 Because artificial intelligence will rely on our greatest weakness, 621 00:40:22,720 --> 00:40:24,560 namely envy. 622 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:26,000 Like you, Mihaela, 623 00:40:27,240 --> 00:40:31,800 looking at your former high school classmate, Andreea, damn her! 624 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:34,880 Why? Because! 625 00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:39,920 And you look and burst out! 626 00:40:44,120 --> 00:40:48,240 Fuck you! Damn you, Andreea! 627 00:40:49,280 --> 00:40:52,480 Look, she bought a car! Sucking dick will get you that! 628 00:40:59,320 --> 00:41:01,120 I wanted to buy a car. They asked: Do you suck dick? 629 00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,800 And I said: No, because I have values! And they didn't give it to me. 630 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:08,560 And you'll forget, you'll forget that you hate her, 631 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:11,280 you'll forget, it'll become your second nature, 632 00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:14,360 Andreea will gnaw at you, Andreea, fuck her, 633 00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:17,640 who's having fun at Sisaia, damn it, 634 00:41:17,640 --> 00:41:20,680 wherever she is going, now she's with that dude, she bought clothes, 635 00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:22,440 fuck you, Andreea! 636 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:28,640 You'll sleep! And the AI on your phone, on your nightstand, will notify you! 637 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:31,040 It will be the last straw! 638 00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:35,120 When you sleep, it'll say to you... Andreea is in the Maldives! 639 00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,480 You, still the last idiot in Blaj? 640 00:41:44,640 --> 00:41:45,840 Or like this... 641 00:41:49,640 --> 00:41:51,200 And you commit suicide! 642 00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:56,480 Don't believe this crap! Conspiracy theories are fake news! 643 00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:58,640 And bedtime stories, damn it! 644 00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:02,680 The first conspiracy theories are the stories from when you were seven! 645 00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:06,320 Or six or five years old! And you'd look at your mom, like this, and say: 646 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:09,000 Did the wolf eat Little Red Riding Hood? 647 00:42:09,000 --> 00:42:11,480 And she'd say: Yes! And you'd go: 648 00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:16,840 You'd see a forest, and say: I think the wolf is there! 649 00:42:16,840 --> 00:42:18,360 Then you'd believe crap! 650 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:20,400 And Cinderella became a princess? 651 00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:22,880 I'll do cam shows when I grow up! 652 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,600 Or I don't know. But now you're an adult, 653 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:29,640 there are Facebook groups, there's crap news on TV, 654 00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:32,120 you see a ton of crap and you're an adult! 655 00:42:32,120 --> 00:42:35,400 No one wants to exterminate you! Everyone: They want to kill us! 656 00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:39,560 They want to kill us! Mihai, from Popinciuc de Deal... 657 00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:44,920 He has three cows... and loans from Provident, but... 658 00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:47,160 Someone wants to kill him. 659 00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:50,560 And he figured it out, damn it! Oh, I know. 660 00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:53,320 I put it in the toothpaste. 661 00:42:54,720 --> 00:42:58,200 Look at Dorian Popa, why did he get veneers? He must know something. 662 00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:01,920 Nobody wants to exterminate you! 663 00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:03,640 We kill each other like idiots! 664 00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:07,520 Damn it! No conspiracy theory can keep up with human libido! 665 00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:09,880 There are eight billion of us on this planet! 666 00:43:09,880 --> 00:43:13,400 We fuck like crazy, uncontrollably and in any conditions! 667 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:17,280 Damn it! It may rain, it may snow! There might even be a typhoon! 668 00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:18,680 Someone's fucking! 669 00:43:22,720 --> 00:43:26,160 You don't have anything to eat, but you get a hard-on! Unbelievable! 670 00:43:26,920 --> 00:43:30,960 It's incredible how the body works, just like that! Your stomach grumbles: 671 00:43:33,160 --> 00:43:36,480 And you have the energy to fuck! It's fantastic, damn it! 672 00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:40,040 The poorer they are, the more children they have! How the hell? 673 00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,960 There are people in Vaslui who haven't seen bread in eight months, 674 00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:47,040 and they see those butt cheeks as if they were two loaves! 675 00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:48,480 They have 17 children, 676 00:43:48,480 --> 00:43:51,240 from the eighth one onwards, they don't even have names. 677 00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:53,560 Their dad shouts like this: 678 00:43:57,560 --> 00:43:59,560 And they're like: Which one, dad? 679 00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:03,160 Which one? The clean one! 680 00:44:04,240 --> 00:44:05,560 Clean, go to your dad! 681 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:10,840 You can fuck in any conditions! There's no hornier species! 682 00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:13,720 Even when the forest is on fire! 683 00:44:13,720 --> 00:44:16,440 In Australia, the forest was on fire! The animals were running! 684 00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,240 There weren't two deer like... 685 00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:23,600 What the heck! The forest is on fire! 686 00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:26,640 But there's another fire going on here! 687 00:44:27,360 --> 00:44:29,800 Which one burns harder? Me or the forest? 688 00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:38,000 Humans are a horny species! There are people born in 1944. 689 00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:41,600 You know what happened in 1943? The Second fucking World War! 690 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:44,000 And there was someone in Cluj, 691 00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:47,840 in an apartment building, 692 00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:50,120 fucking and looking out the window. 693 00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:53,560 Damn it, Lord! 694 00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:57,480 The planes are coming! 695 00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:02,120 They're not ours! 696 00:45:03,080 --> 00:45:05,960 I'll give it to you Blitzkrieg style, we don't have time! 697 00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:10,720 In case the world ends, people will get drunk or fuck. 698 00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:13,320 I swear on my mother! We drink or we fuck. 699 00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:15,600 Or both at the same time. 700 00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:20,480 Some will run that way, some will be like: What? 701 00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:24,000 It's the end of the world! When, now? 702 00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:27,000 It's the end of the world. 703 00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:35,040 Don't be crazy. 704 00:45:37,320 --> 00:45:39,080 Or be, but controlled. 705 00:45:39,600 --> 00:45:42,840 I realized I'm crazy. I've been seeing a shrink for over a year. 706 00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:44,360 I didn't know I was crazy. 707 00:45:45,480 --> 00:45:48,680 I thought that's just who I am! And there I found out I'm crazy. 708 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:51,040 I realized I have problems. 709 00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:54,400 When I was telling about my childhood, 710 00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:57,960 the psychologist would take notes and sometimes say: This is bullshit! 711 00:46:00,080 --> 00:46:01,640 Get out of here, damn it! 712 00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:06,120 I'm surprised you can even walk straight on the street! 713 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:09,000 And he called colleagues: You won't believe this! 714 00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:12,560 Believe me! Why do I go? Not because I'm crazy. 715 00:46:12,560 --> 00:46:15,280 I'm joking. I'm not crazy. I'm a civilized man. 716 00:46:15,280 --> 00:46:18,280 I'm going to get rid of that childhood programming. 717 00:46:18,280 --> 00:46:20,360 The shitty programs that don't do you good. 718 00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:22,360 You don't function properly, 719 00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:24,200 because you have a voice in your damn head! 720 00:46:24,200 --> 00:46:26,880 It's that voice when you left home, Alexandra, from the countryside, 721 00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:28,960 you went to college and your mom said: 722 00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:32,440 Don't embarrass me! What the hell is your problem? 723 00:46:33,440 --> 00:46:35,600 She's Alexandra, she's 20. She's young! 724 00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:39,960 All Alexandra wants is to drink shots and suck dick in Blaj, that's it! 725 00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:42,680 What makes you embarrassed? 726 00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:47,000 And you don't live your life! 727 00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:49,240 You haven't lived your life as you wanted, right? 728 00:46:49,240 --> 00:46:51,040 You didn't have fun in the clubs. 729 00:46:51,040 --> 00:46:53,440 I'll embarrass mom! 730 00:46:53,440 --> 00:46:54,800 A guy comes up to you: Wanna have sex? 731 00:46:54,800 --> 00:46:56,960 No, cause I'll embarrass mom! 732 00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,520 And you end up old, your mom died, and you're like: Fuck my mom! 733 00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:05,680 If you do it, how does your mom feel it? 734 00:47:06,520 --> 00:47:09,480 She has a sixth sense and she's sleeping like this... 735 00:47:10,360 --> 00:47:11,560 And suddenly she goes... 736 00:47:13,600 --> 00:47:15,960 And she wakes up your dad, like this: Wake up! 737 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:19,120 Your daughter is fucking in Alba Iulia! 738 00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:22,520 She's sucking a dick in Alba Iulia! 739 00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:25,480 And she doesn't do it well! She's embarrassing me! 740 00:47:33,080 --> 00:47:34,760 No, I'll go and it! 741 00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:37,680 Let me, Costel! 742 00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:41,840 Stupid perfectionism! 743 00:47:41,840 --> 00:47:44,840 You have to be the best, the best in everything you do! 744 00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:49,120 I left from Todireni with my grandmother, who used to say: You must be the best! 745 00:47:49,120 --> 00:47:51,240 I took first prize up to the 12th grade! 746 00:47:51,240 --> 00:47:54,840 Once I took the second prize and she didn't talk to me anymore! 747 00:47:56,120 --> 00:47:58,840 They broke the ball in front of me. 748 00:48:01,560 --> 00:48:03,920 This is how my pride is deflated! 749 00:48:05,120 --> 00:48:08,160 After that, they put wine in it and they drank! I'm kidding! 750 00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:12,240 Always be the best! That's why I don't have group sex! 751 00:48:13,800 --> 00:48:15,320 I tend to finish first! 752 00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:24,560 Second of all, I go to a psychologist to educate myself, to understand women, 753 00:48:24,560 --> 00:48:27,560 to be prepared for women. And now I'm going to talk to the boys. 754 00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:30,920 They're a hundred fucking years ahead 755 00:48:30,920 --> 00:48:34,320 in everything related to communication, I shit you not! 756 00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:39,640 Book a session, man, I'm going because 757 00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:42,200 I no longer want to be part of the millions of men 758 00:48:42,200 --> 00:48:45,440 who have been trailing behind women for millions of years 759 00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:48,480 with one question: What’s wrong? 760 00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:52,880 Hordes of surprised men! 761 00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:55,560 What's the matter?! 762 00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:01,080 What's wrong? I don't know, I didn't find out either. 763 00:49:01,080 --> 00:49:03,200 Neither father, nor grandfather knew. 764 00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:05,960 Right before he died, grandpa's last words were... 765 00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:07,760 Why the fuck was she upset? 766 00:49:11,080 --> 00:49:15,320 You'll never know! Because she doesn't know what to say! 767 00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:18,200 Nothing means she's protecting you. 768 00:49:18,200 --> 00:49:21,200 Your brain isn't ready for that information. 769 00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:24,280 And the information gets updated! 770 00:49:25,000 --> 00:49:28,520 You don't have a woman by your side, you have all the women! 771 00:49:28,520 --> 00:49:31,440 There's a whole universe there, and you're a simple man, 772 00:49:31,440 --> 00:49:34,560 a simple man, with simple needs: poop, pee, sleep. 773 00:49:36,320 --> 00:49:37,760 Poop, pee, sleep. 774 00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:39,160 What's wrong? Nothing! 775 00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:42,920 She says that to protect you. If she told you what's wrong... 776 00:49:42,920 --> 00:49:46,760 If you don't get informed, if you don't educate yourself, 777 00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:50,360 and she says: Let me tell you what's wrong! Don't go into the kitchen! 778 00:49:51,280 --> 00:49:55,200 You'll go there and she's going to say: I feel like I'm losing myself... 779 00:49:57,240 --> 00:50:00,320 Your brain is going to go: Let's jump off the balcony now! 780 00:50:01,240 --> 00:50:03,360 I'll take your legs. I see you're not moving. 781 00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:06,880 What the hell does that mean? 782 00:50:10,200 --> 00:50:13,200 I'm losing my mind! What are you losing, man? 783 00:50:14,040 --> 00:50:16,720 You'll be walking around Cluj like: "What's wrong?" 784 00:50:17,560 --> 00:50:20,800 She said she's going off track! Losing her mind! 785 00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:22,600 She's a train, like her mother! 786 00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:25,160 She used to puff when she came in visit. 787 00:50:27,440 --> 00:50:32,520 You're not crazy! You're a responsible man going shelter, damn it! 788 00:50:32,520 --> 00:50:34,920 It's like going to the gym! You learn! 789 00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:38,320 You know what questions to ask, you know what answers to get, damn it! 790 00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:40,360 When you enter the house, you're not surprised anymore 791 00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:43,040 by the cold wind blowing in your face. 792 00:50:43,720 --> 00:50:45,560 And she's in the kitchen like: 793 00:50:51,520 --> 00:50:52,520 "And off you go!" 794 00:50:53,480 --> 00:50:55,480 That's why there are more male hobos 795 00:50:57,480 --> 00:50:59,240 than female hobos. 796 00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:01,880 They have somewhere to stay! 797 00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:04,400 But they don't go home. 798 00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:08,800 That guy is dirty, full of shit: "It's good in the park! 799 00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:12,120 It only rains here. I know the rain." 800 00:51:12,840 --> 00:51:16,680 Go, damn it, because you have a woman next to you, and a woman has needs. 801 00:51:16,680 --> 00:51:18,400 She talks with other women. 802 00:51:18,400 --> 00:51:21,240 And it's not your fault, as a man, it's not her fault as a woman. 803 00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:24,360 That's how we're built, that's how kids play from a young age. 804 00:51:24,360 --> 00:51:29,360 Girls communicate from a young age. They have dolls. Fucking dolls. 805 00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:31,960 And the dolls have names: You're Andreea. 806 00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:36,240 And Andreea looks at Mihaela: "Suck it, Mihaela!" 807 00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:40,760 And Andreea has a house, Andreea has dresses: 808 00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:43,440 "Do you like... She's two years old! You? 809 00:51:43,440 --> 00:51:45,680 You're a boy, toy cars! Vroom-vroom! 810 00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:58,160 What can you do? It worked! 811 00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:01,000 You were daddy's boy! Look at him playing! 812 00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:04,920 You were daddy's boy! 813 00:52:04,920 --> 00:52:07,600 In schools, there are no psychologists to teach you, 814 00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:10,000 especially as an teenager, how to become a man! 815 00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:13,440 Nobody teaches you that! They teach you geography, 816 00:52:13,440 --> 00:52:14,920 they teach you history. 817 00:52:14,920 --> 00:52:18,120 Does this information help you at 38? The hell it does! 818 00:52:18,120 --> 00:52:19,920 You know where Mount Omu is? You know! 819 00:52:19,920 --> 00:52:22,120 Do you ever go? No, because you don't bother people! 820 00:52:24,360 --> 00:52:26,520 But what's your wife's deal when she's quiet? 821 00:52:26,520 --> 00:52:29,200 She's saving your life, man! 822 00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:35,040 It's something else, you're getting ready! As a man, you go and get prepared! 823 00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:37,240 Even if you don't go to a psychologist, 824 00:52:37,240 --> 00:52:40,480 although you should, but I'm not saying that. 825 00:52:40,480 --> 00:52:42,080 Let's do a test. 826 00:52:42,960 --> 00:52:47,680 I want the men who feel judged at home when they're idle to clap, only them! 827 00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:54,960 Those who didn't clap, you have an excellent defense system! 828 00:52:57,280 --> 00:52:59,880 All their dashboard lights lit up at this moment. 829 00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:04,840 And their brain was like: Danger, danger! Look to your right! 830 00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:07,760 Come on! 831 00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:11,960 And they're all stoic: No, I'll be damned if... 832 00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:19,120 Those who clapped have nothing to lose! 833 00:53:20,600 --> 00:53:23,240 These people are in the trenches! 834 00:53:23,240 --> 00:53:25,760 They know that a relationship is a struggle. 835 00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:27,360 You consciously in a relationship! 836 00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:29,960 It's like playing at Vlad's Casino: You know what's there, 837 00:53:29,960 --> 00:53:31,280 it doesn't surprise you! 838 00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:33,200 You inform yourself and you handle both of them. 839 00:53:33,200 --> 00:53:37,120 You're looking for the jackpot in both. If you don't find it, that's it! 840 00:53:37,120 --> 00:53:40,240 You try again, but you dive in consciously, 841 00:53:40,240 --> 00:53:43,360 and even if you don't go to a psychologist. 842 00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:47,560 Hey, get books, but secretly. As a man, you read in secret! 843 00:53:49,320 --> 00:53:50,840 Like a ninja! 844 00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:53,240 Don't let them see you! 845 00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:57,880 Buy yourself communication books, psychology books, damn it. 846 00:53:59,120 --> 00:54:00,920 Erotic intelligence, man! 847 00:54:03,080 --> 00:54:04,600 And hide them in the bathroom! 848 00:54:05,640 --> 00:54:07,880 And when you take a dump for 45 minutes... 849 00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:15,360 Read a page, damn it! 850 00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:21,680 Then wipe your ass with it, because you're a man! 851 00:54:23,800 --> 00:54:25,120 And you're prepared! 852 00:54:25,840 --> 00:54:27,920 I was talking to my grandfather at some point, 853 00:54:27,920 --> 00:54:29,840 when he was alive, God rest his soul! 854 00:54:29,840 --> 00:54:32,680 My grandfather stayed... almost 40 years with my grandmother. 855 00:54:32,680 --> 00:54:35,280 Not like nowadays! They argue and leave! 856 00:54:36,960 --> 00:54:38,880 They had the ugly stares back then! 857 00:54:41,920 --> 00:54:43,840 When he appeared like this: 858 00:54:43,840 --> 00:54:46,680 And she was like: Why are you looking at me like that? 859 00:54:49,400 --> 00:54:52,280 If one of you looks angrily: Okay, I'm out of here! 860 00:54:52,280 --> 00:54:54,920 Why are you looking at me like that, you moron? 861 00:54:56,720 --> 00:54:59,200 And I asked my grandfather: What's the secret? 862 00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:00,720 He said: There is no secret! 863 00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:04,600 And I said: But do you love grandma? And he said: I loved her at first. 864 00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:08,840 He said: The first few years, yes! Well, and then? 865 00:55:08,840 --> 00:55:11,760 For 35 years I've wanted to kill her every night! 866 00:55:15,480 --> 00:55:18,800 I said: Well, why didn't you? Because she doesn't sleep, damn it! 867 00:55:20,440 --> 00:55:24,560 We stare at each other, like two rabbits. You close your eyes! 868 00:55:27,160 --> 00:55:28,560 When you're idle at home, 869 00:55:28,560 --> 00:55:31,160 I found the perfect comeback to get away unpunished. 870 00:55:31,160 --> 00:55:34,800 It's a kind of "We'll see." From the president. 871 00:55:34,800 --> 00:55:39,280 When she comes home you're watching TV and she says: What are you doing? 872 00:55:39,280 --> 00:55:42,680 You tell her: I was thinking about how to make you happy. 873 00:55:49,240 --> 00:55:53,120 What is she to say? Stop? No! Keep going... 874 00:55:54,360 --> 00:55:55,640 Fuck you, Mihai! 875 00:55:59,840 --> 00:56:02,760 I had an absolutely fantastic experience, it changed me. 876 00:56:02,760 --> 00:56:05,440 It changed me a lot. America Express changed me. 877 00:56:06,520 --> 00:56:10,240 Firstly, the experience was absolutely... You can't live something like that again. 878 00:56:10,240 --> 00:56:12,680 You can't bathe in an active volcano 879 00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:15,680 and then have a lady wash you in Colombia, in a river, butt naked. 880 00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:19,880 You just can't! And she'd say to me: Maybe you'll catch a little fish! 881 00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:22,440 You just can't! 882 00:56:22,440 --> 00:56:25,520 You can't sleep in a hammock on a beach in Guatemala! 883 00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:27,320 You can't experience these things again! 884 00:56:27,320 --> 00:56:31,280 You can't smoke with an exorcist priest in Mexico! 885 00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:32,440 You just can't! 886 00:56:34,200 --> 00:56:35,640 God, at that moment, said: 887 00:56:35,640 --> 00:56:38,240 I'll give you something for what's to come! 888 00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:44,480 You just can't! 889 00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:48,560 I'll remember that little man my whole life. 890 00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:52,640 A seventy-something-year-old priest, gray haired, welcomed us there, 891 00:56:52,640 --> 00:56:55,560 told us how to cast out demons. It was beautiful. 892 00:56:56,720 --> 00:56:59,000 At some point, after the cameras stopped rolling, 893 00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:03,040 he pulled out a jar full of weed, looked at me, and said: Quieres? 894 00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:06,400 I don't know why me! And I said: 895 00:57:09,440 --> 00:57:10,360 Yes! 896 00:57:12,200 --> 00:57:16,640 And Cortea was like: Hey, don't smoke! And I said: But it's the priest, man! 897 00:57:21,960 --> 00:57:23,760 How can you refuse the priest? 898 00:57:28,640 --> 00:57:32,600 And he rolled it and it was cool. And he lit a cigarette. 899 00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:34,360 And I smelled that scent. 900 00:57:34,360 --> 00:57:37,760 And I had panic attacks from Botoșani, with my grandma saying: 901 00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:39,320 You're embarrassing me! 902 00:57:41,120 --> 00:57:43,240 He'll see you! 903 00:57:43,800 --> 00:57:46,720 And I looked at the priest and said: Pero Señor? 904 00:57:50,160 --> 00:57:51,520 And he was like: What? 905 00:57:55,720 --> 00:57:58,280 And he said: Dios? And I said: Yes! 906 00:57:58,280 --> 00:58:01,480 And he said: Who do you think put her in my path, son? 907 00:58:01,480 --> 00:58:02,600 There you go! 908 00:58:05,920 --> 00:58:10,240 Cortea asked me: What's that, weed? And I said: Believe and don't inquire! 909 00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,600 It fit the situation there. 910 00:58:14,360 --> 00:58:15,400 We almost died. 911 00:58:15,400 --> 00:58:18,760 And that changes you as a person. You can die. The feeling is fantastic. 912 00:58:18,760 --> 00:58:20,480 It's not fantastic, it sucks. 913 00:58:21,120 --> 00:58:24,400 But it changes you. You lose your fear. 914 00:58:24,400 --> 00:58:26,320 When we got there, some Mexicans told us: 915 00:58:26,320 --> 00:58:28,800 Do everything you can not to look like Americans! 916 00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:31,920 Mexico hates America and America hates Mexico. 917 00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:34,880 They hate each other. Don't look like Americans! 918 00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:37,360 Cortea, 120 kilograms. Sweaty armpits. 919 00:58:38,640 --> 00:58:40,960 Tanned up to here like tractor drivers. 920 00:58:42,160 --> 00:58:45,800 With a cap on his head like this, in flip-flops and shorts: 921 00:58:45,800 --> 00:58:48,960 He had Texas written all over him! Kentucky! 922 00:58:49,920 --> 00:58:50,720 And me! 923 00:58:52,360 --> 00:58:56,200 The idiot, eating a banana, 924 00:58:57,680 --> 00:59:01,320 hitchhiking on the highway, a guy stopped in a black Escalade, 925 00:59:01,320 --> 00:59:03,440 rolled down a tinted window, and said: 926 00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:05,880 Gringo, I'm going to kill you here! 927 00:59:05,880 --> 00:59:09,040 And at that moment I said: I'm not with him, fuck that! 928 00:59:11,560 --> 00:59:12,920 Yo soy panarama! 929 00:59:21,400 --> 00:59:23,400 I won't die like an idiot in Mexico! 930 00:59:24,240 --> 00:59:27,200 I'll die at 97 in an orchard, a fortune teller told me. 931 00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:30,240 I gave her a million. 932 00:59:34,360 --> 00:59:35,560 But it changes you. 933 00:59:35,560 --> 00:59:38,520 You lose your fear. You gain new experiences. 934 00:59:38,520 --> 00:59:42,040 It humbles you as a person. 935 00:59:42,040 --> 00:59:44,560 In English, it's to humble. It grounded me. 936 00:59:44,560 --> 00:59:47,360 That's why you have to take any experience after that as it comes. 937 00:59:47,360 --> 00:59:49,280 You have to get ready, you have to learn. 938 00:59:49,280 --> 00:59:50,880 Be careful how you respond to it. 939 00:59:50,880 --> 00:59:53,280 It's different, because you're a nobody there. 940 00:59:53,280 --> 00:59:56,280 And in general, you have to behave as if you're a nobody! 941 00:59:56,280 --> 00:59:59,280 You have to prove to anyone that you deserve something. 942 00:59:59,280 --> 01:00:00,920 I wasn't a star in Mexico. 943 01:00:00,920 --> 01:00:03,160 I'm a star here because you come to the shows. 944 01:00:03,160 --> 01:00:05,400 But if you don't come anymore, I'm just a bald guy. 945 01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:08,360 A bald guy somewhere! 946 01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:11,480 If I knocked on a door there, they would open and say: Que? 947 01:00:12,880 --> 01:00:15,920 And I said: Can I sleep here? No! Get the fuck out! 948 01:00:17,320 --> 01:00:20,200 You'll come to Untold, good luck finding accommodation! 949 01:00:28,880 --> 01:00:30,120 Tough, but beautiful. 950 01:00:30,120 --> 01:00:33,560 And I begged for stuff, and that changes you. 951 01:00:33,560 --> 01:00:36,520 I begged because my colleague, Cortea, eats a lot! 952 01:00:38,360 --> 01:00:39,160 A lot. 953 01:00:40,240 --> 01:00:42,200 I don't eat normally. I eat very little. 954 01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:45,200 I eat like a monk, standing, at home, cold cuts. 955 01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:49,840 That's me. I don't know. Him, on the other hand? Bacon, stuff. 956 01:00:49,840 --> 01:00:51,400 His tears are like bacon. 957 01:00:52,320 --> 01:00:54,040 He wipes them with bread. 958 01:00:57,360 --> 01:01:00,280 He fainted of hunger! I've never seen a man in my life... 959 01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:02,560 We were walking down the street and he just fell. 960 01:01:02,560 --> 01:01:05,680 And I said: What's wrong? You're having a stroke? 961 01:01:05,680 --> 01:01:07,320 And he said: I'm hungry! 962 01:01:09,880 --> 01:01:12,120 I said: Suck your finger! What can I do? 963 01:01:13,720 --> 01:01:15,000 Bite your lip! 964 01:01:17,680 --> 01:01:22,080 And we were in a village in Mexico, I'll remember it all my life! 965 01:01:22,080 --> 01:01:23,640 And I'll digress a bit. 966 01:01:23,640 --> 01:01:26,920 The people there, in all three countries I've been to, 967 01:01:26,920 --> 01:01:28,400 are a bit like us. 968 01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:30,720 Or maybe we're like them, I don't know exactly, I have no idea. 969 01:01:30,720 --> 01:01:33,480 Regardless of hardships, regardless of cartels, 970 01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:35,720 regardless of guerrillas, regardless of the mafia, 971 01:01:35,720 --> 01:01:39,600 regardless of anything, people dance, have fun, drink beer, enjoy... 972 01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:42,400 And us too: We drink, we eat sausages, mustard... 973 01:01:44,280 --> 01:01:47,680 Is it hard? It's hard for your mom! Yeah... We're fine! 974 01:01:48,600 --> 01:01:51,040 We have a Romanian joie de vivre! 975 01:01:52,560 --> 01:01:53,560 It's ours! 976 01:01:55,120 --> 01:01:56,480 That's how they were! 977 01:01:56,480 --> 01:02:00,000 And we arrived in a little village, there was an artesian well. 978 01:02:00,000 --> 01:02:02,480 And people were dancing cumbia. 979 01:02:02,480 --> 01:02:05,640 Kids running around, lights everywhere. 980 01:02:05,640 --> 01:02:08,960 People with sombreros drinking beer. 981 01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:10,600 And Cortea froze, like this: 982 01:02:11,680 --> 01:02:14,200 And I said: What's wrong? Having a stroke? 983 01:02:14,200 --> 01:02:17,400 No! He says. Carnitas! 984 01:02:19,280 --> 01:02:23,680 And I thought it was a band. I said: Is Carnitas playing? 985 01:02:23,680 --> 01:02:26,200 And he said: No, you moron, grilled meat! 986 01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:31,560 And there was a table with seven, six, seven Mexicans, and he said: 987 01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:32,880 Go on, ask them for something! 988 01:02:32,880 --> 01:02:34,840 They were eating tacos, dancing, everyone... 989 01:02:34,840 --> 01:02:36,920 It was beautiful, kids around them, they were eating, 990 01:02:36,920 --> 01:02:38,960 everyone was eating and Cortea wasn't! 991 01:02:40,080 --> 01:02:42,840 And he said to me: Go and ask them! And I said: You do it! 992 01:02:42,840 --> 01:02:46,400 And he said: Go on, Bordea, because you have a beggar's face. 993 01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:49,000 Well, that's true... Look at me! 994 01:02:49,840 --> 01:02:50,960 Cortea is fat! 995 01:02:50,960 --> 01:02:53,480 You'd think he'd already eaten, you wouldn't believe him! 996 01:02:54,240 --> 01:02:56,320 I look like I died seven years ago! 997 01:02:57,280 --> 01:02:58,440 I'm a miracle! 998 01:03:00,640 --> 01:03:01,680 And I went... 999 01:03:01,680 --> 01:03:05,080 I was like Jesus carrying the Cross. 1000 01:03:09,440 --> 01:03:13,320 Cortea was shouting like a pimp: Come on, faster! 1001 01:03:14,320 --> 01:03:15,920 A little faster! 1002 01:03:19,680 --> 01:03:22,920 And I went... I stared at a Mexican at the table, 1003 01:03:22,920 --> 01:03:25,360 with a little mustache, and with a cowboy hat 1004 01:03:25,360 --> 01:03:28,360 and with a huge taco in his hand, as big as his face, 1005 01:03:28,960 --> 01:03:34,680 and I fixated on him, bent over a bit, widened my eyes to look more rat-like, 1006 01:03:36,120 --> 01:03:38,240 and in a perfect Moldovan Spanish, 1007 01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:41,520 I said: Hola, senor! 1008 01:03:47,440 --> 01:03:51,400 Yo soy Catalin! We got acquainted. I wasn't hungry! 1009 01:03:52,240 --> 01:03:56,880 From behind, I could hear Cortea's stomach, going: Hurry up! 1010 01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:00,640 I said: Senor, I'm from Romania. 1011 01:04:00,640 --> 01:04:05,160 Do you know where Romania is? No? I didn't know how to say far, 1012 01:04:05,160 --> 01:04:07,240 so I was like: 1013 01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:10,760 I said: Senor... 1014 01:04:13,840 --> 01:04:14,920 May I... 1015 01:04:15,720 --> 01:04:17,200 ...get a little food? 1016 01:04:19,400 --> 01:04:22,480 And with an arrogant look, the guy says: Why?! 1017 01:04:23,400 --> 01:04:27,040 That was the moment the Moldovan in me came out, for fuck sake! 1018 01:04:27,040 --> 01:04:31,520 All the soap operas I watched with my mom when I was little came back to me: 1019 01:04:31,520 --> 01:04:34,320 Fiorela, Wild Heart, Ugly Betty. 1020 01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:38,560 My neurons were singing: La jente, pasa, pasa, siempre tan igual... 1021 01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:42,040 And I said: Wanna know why? Because I'm pregnant! 1022 01:04:42,040 --> 01:04:44,600 You fucking fuck! 1023 01:04:44,600 --> 01:04:46,520 Thank you so much, people! 1024 01:04:48,920 --> 01:04:52,680 That was the show! That was me! You were all here! 1025 01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:54,040 Thank you very much! 1026 01:05:05,400 --> 01:05:06,680 Baby! 1027 01:05:06,680 --> 01:05:09,320 I'm fucking proud of you! Jamila can die if I'm lying! 1028 01:05:09,320 --> 01:05:11,520 I love you! Congratulations! 80437