All language subtitles for As.Time.Goes.By.S10E02.Christmas.Special.Part.Two.720p.WEB.H264-iPlayerTV

I like holding hands with policemen.

I'd sooner you put that
in the singular really.

Sorry, Sarge.

I like holding hands
with pregnant women.

Do that a lot, do you?

Only lately.

As you're CID,

you won't be wearing
uniform again, will you?

I'd stick out if I did.

I liked you in uniform.

Well, when we get somewhere to live,
I'll wear it round the house.

There's no rush.
Jean says we can stay with her and
Lionel for as long as we like.

What does Lionel think?

I don't expect he knows yet.

That sounds about right.

They're nice people
but we need a place of our own.

I'll never forget
how kind they've been to me.

When I moved in, I was in a bit
of a mess and they gave me some
security when I needed it most.

I know they did.

There was always a sort of calm
about this house.

Oh!

What did you do that for?

Sssh. Sssh.
I've been waiting for you.

Why? Sssh. Sssh. Why?

May I ask what's going on?

It's Lionel.
He's got somebody with him.

Then why are you in here?
Cos he may not want me in there.
Sit down.

Why are we whispering?
Cos I don't want Lionel to think
I'm talking to anybody about him.

So if he comes in, don't say
anything to him. Why ever not?

Cos he may not want you to.

I'm not making much sense, am I?

You've done better.

This person that Lionel's with,
he's from Kenya.

He says that Lionel's his father.
His father?

Yes. I thought Lionel said that
he and... Margaret. ..Margaret,
didn't have any children.

He did. Who's this bloke then?

To start with, he's black.

That can only mean...
It was a pretty loveless marriage.
So Lionel played away from home?

Harry! No, that's all I can think.

What does Lionel say?
I don't really know.

They fell into each other's arms
so I left them to it.

That's not like you. I know. I don't
function very well in a state of
shock. I don't know what to do.

There is a way to find out.
Criminal records?

No, go in there and ask.

I can't just waltz in and say,
"Lionel, is this your son?"

No, but things are bound to come up
in the conversation, aren't they?
Tell-tale things.

One thing's for sure.
They obviously know each other.

Well, if Lionel is his father,
they would, wouldn't they?

I can't understand why
Lionel never mentioned it.

Maybe he thought it would never
come up. Well, it has come up.

With a vengeance.

And one way or another,
I've got to find out.

I can't not go in there, can I?

No.

One thing, Harry,
can you arrest somebody for somebody
claiming he's your father?

I don't think so.

No.

Well, go in there.

I'll just do that now.

Hello again. Where have you been?

Been? Yes, you shovelled Patrick
in here and then disappeared.

I just thought you'd
both like a cup of tea

and then I decided you probably
didn't, so I didn't make one.

Anyway, you haven't been introduced.

Patrick, this is Jean.

Jean, I told you about Patrick. No.
Hello, Patrick.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Do sit down.

So...

..all the way from Kenya,
Patrick?

All the way from Kenya.

Lionel was in Kenya.

Well, of course, you know that.

Thankfully for me, yes.

I must write to my brothers
and sisters and tell them
that you got married again.

Brothers and sisters?
Three brothers and two sisters.

Well, well.

That's quite a family.
We wouldn't have been
if it wasn't for Lionel. Lionel?

What? You didn't tell me.
I'm sure I mentioned it.

I wouldn't have gone on
about it, I admit that.

Would have been a bit like
blowing my own trumpet.

You had plenty to blow
your own trumpet about.

Yes.

I had the time, that's all.

I had the money then, as well.

What did Margaret say?

Not a great deal, but I knew
she didn't really approve.

I have to say she wasn't
the most understanding of women.

No. At the end of the day, I suppose
she said, "Oh, just get on with it."

Oh. Look, Lionel...

Yes? Look, Patrick.

Yes? All these children.

When I answered the door,
you said you'd found your father?

Oh. Yes, oh.

We all called Lionel "Father".

What did your mother say?

She called him Father as well.

Your mother called Lionel Father?
Yes.

Her husband didn't call me Father.
Well, thank goodness for that.
He was a good man, Joseph.

He used to work on the coffee
plantation, but when he died,

there was very little money and
for my mother to raise us on her own,
it would have been very hard.

So, Lionel helped us in so many ways.

We all got a good schooling, and he
became like a father to the family.

That's why we all
called him, our father.

I was very fond of Joseph.

I'm sure I've told you all this?
Yes, yes, you did. I remember now.

It IS good to meet you, Patrick.
And now Patrick's over here to
start work in a teaching hospital.

One day I will be a surgeon.
That is the dream.

Oh, it's wonderful.

I'm so pleased, oh, Patrick,
I'm so pleased to meet you!

You're a fine boy. Thank you.

Just excuse me a tick.

Harry, Sandy, come and meet Patrick.

She's a very warm lady, your wife.

Yes, very.

You didn't ever tell me, you know.

I thought I did.

Does it really matter?
No secrets, we said.

I don't remember
us ever saying that.

That's something else
you've forgotten.

Is there anything else you
only think you've told me about?

I went skinny-dipping once.

Skinny-dipping? Yeah.

Somebody's birthday
at somebody's farm.

Some of the wives got a bit
frisky on the punch and decided to
go skinny-dipping in the pool.

And you jumped in with them?

No, I fell in.

It amounts to the same thing.

No, it doesn't.
I had all my clothes on.

What did Margaret say?

Not a lot, she passed out
on the sun-lounger.

Why did you never tell me
about these wild parties before?

Because there weren't any.
Long distances in Kenya, you see.

We rarely got together and all
we generally did was play cards.

Strip poker? Bridge.

I'm glad you asked
Patrick to come for lunch.

He's a nice lad and you know
what young doctors are like.

They never eat enough. No, I didn't
know that about young doctors.

Having been a nurse, I suppose
you'd know all sorts of things
about young doctors.

All right, all right.

It was really kind, what you
did for Patrick and his family.

I've got to have one good thing to
take to the Pearly Gates with me.

Must have come as quite a shock
when Patrick turned up
and asked to see his father.

No, no, no, I knew
he didn't mean it literally.

How did you know that?

Because I knew there would
be an obvious explanation. I see.

I really did think I'd told you.

Well, in any case, it all came out
quite naturally in the conversation,
as I knew it would.

You looked very green about
the gills until it did. I did not.

You didn't really think I
was Patrick's father, did you?

Don't be ridiculous!
I wonder if anyone fancies a drink.

Thanks for all the help, ladies.

Very instructive. Ciao.

Yes?

MOBILE RINGS

Alistair Deacon.

Who?

Stephen, hi.

LTNS.

Long time, no see.

Yeah, yeah.

What? Help.

But, of course,
help is my middle name.

Perfect.
No, really, really, Judy and I are
popping round there later anyway.

Yeah, OK, catch you then, ciao.

Yes!

They keep turning up
like bad pennies, those two.

They did phone.

A whole hour's warning,
typical Penny and Stephen.
What are you doing, anyway?

I'm looking for something.

That cupboard's going
to burst open one day.

Perhaps you could help.

I don't even know what
you're looking for.

I can't even get in because of this.

Would you mind moving that? Right.

Cor, what's in here? An anvil?

A coffee machine.
Why isn't it in the kitchen?

I couldn't get on with it.
It kept hissing and spitting steam
everywhere. Couldn't get on with it.

I didn't realise you had to have a
personal bond with a coffee machine.
Please just move that box.

Certainly.

Don't you worry, you'll be back
in your cupboard in a minute.

I thought you were helping! I still
don't know what you're looking for.

A hamper.
Isn't it a bit cold for picnics?

It's for Patrick.
I want to pack it with food.

Why?

I've told you,
young doctors don't eat enough.

Patrick?

Would you like a hamper of food?

No, thank you.
I have just had a very good lunch.

What about your digs?
Do you eat properly there?

I'm sure I will.

They're not squalid,
are they, your digs?

No, no, they are very pleasant.

I have to put up with sharing
with three girls, but I cope.

So, we put all this back now,
I suppose.

It won't go back on its own.
Let me help.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get that.

Hello, Penny. Hello, Stephen.

Mention map-reading to me
and I shall scream.

Hello, Sandy.

Jean told us about the baby.

My word, you look prettier than ever.

Doesn't she look
prettier than ever, Pen?

You'll never get your figure back,
you know that?

What are you doing?

Mining.

Who's this?

This is Patrick.

Lionel's son.

Why did Patrick have to go so early?

Five minutes with
Penny is usually enough.

My God, that woman can talk.

Was she telling you
you'll lose your figure now?

No, but she's still insisting
that I'm a mountain.

Mum? We're in the kitchen.

Hello. Why's everyone in here?

Cos Penny's out there.

There's a lack of moral
fibre in this house.

What are you doing here then?

Lack of moral fibre.

Hello, Judy, what are you
doing here? Meeting Alistair.

This is the place for meetings.

I must go, anyway.
Don't listen to grumpy.

I've got to start looking
at estate agents. Why?

To find somewhere to live. You will
look for somewhere close by?

I'll look, but Holland Park on
a detective sergeant's salary?

I could come with you.

No, wait till we've got some places
to look at. Anyway, you've got
family to talk to.

They are not my family.

Be very grateful for that. Oh, I am.

Come on, I'll see you off.

Perhaps we should at
somewhere like Balham? Balham?

It's not Siberia.

Why don't they just
stay here with us?

Hey, hey, hello, young lovers.

Hello, Alistair.

See you later.

So long as we're in hugging mood.

My hugs are reserved these days,
Alistair. No chance of making
a reservation, then? No. Oh, well.

I don't know how that young man
will survive over here.

I'm sure supermarkets don't
sell cows' blood.

Cow's blood?
Why would he want cow's blood?

That's why indigenous
Kenyan people live on.

You're thinking of the Masai.
Patrick's Kikuyu.

How can you possibly know that?
He told me.

Hey, hey, Steve and Pen!

Hello, Alistair.
Don't listen to anything he says.

He only said hello?

I was referring to his inane idea.

Stephen has an inane idea.

Really. How nice. Coffee? Thank you.

Come on, Stephen.

Don't listen. I'm not going to sit
here with my hands over my ears.

Come on, Steve.
Great ideas are like bats.

They deserve to see the light of
day. I thought bats were nocturnal.

Come on,

Stephen, do.

Here it goes, then.

As you know,
I've retired from dentistry.

Teeth lose their appeal
after 30 years.

And I've been looking round
for something else to do.

Something
with a bigger profile, actually.

I like it. Anything in mind? Yes.

I've decided to try
to become a celebrity.

What kind of celebrity?

A sort of general celebrity,
I suppose.

I told you it was inane.

Stephen, I don't think you qualify.

There aren't any exams to pass
or anything. You just become one.

Look at all those celebrities
on television,
they have a wonderful time,

but I don't know
what half of them do.

What does that Tara Para
Whatshername actually do?

I don't know.

Well, there you are then.
And she is a big celeb. Exactly.

I'm beginning to think
he's losing his reason.

So that's why I wanted to talk to
you, Alistair. You know about these
things. How does one go about it?

Yes, I'd like to know that. Well,
it helps to be good at something.

Does dentistry count?

Perhaps you could be like
a dentist to the stars?

I did a filling for someone who was
in an ice show once. Big name?

Played a cat.

Doesn't quite cut it,
I'm afraid, Stephen.
Then there was Laurence Olivier.

You did Larry's teeth?
No, he played a dentist in that
film with that other chap.

You're losing the thread, Stephen.

That may be for the best.

I agree.

Do you think being a grandmother's
going to age you terribly, Jean?

Anything else, Alistair?
Well, yes, good PR.

Get into the red tops. Be seen in
all the right kind of places with
the right eye candy on your arm.

Eye candy? Girls.
How do you know?

I read it in the Times.

Not just any old girls, like models.
Don't suppose you know
any models, do you, Steve?

Course he doesn't.

That's where you're wrong.

One of my ex-patients was a model.

Used to model woollens
for Woman's World.

I don't think that's quite the
model that Alistair had in mind.

Anyway, the bottom line is
get yourself noticed. How?

How about streaking
at the Trooping Of The Colour?

I wouldn't even consider that.
Too disrespectful.

Or the Last Night Of The Proms?

No, no, no. Stop it,
both of you. You're being
as ridiculous as Stephen.

Sorry, Stephen. We shouldn't laugh.

To be honest, I thought you might.

You didn't laugh when Lionel
became a celebrity, did you?
When was that?

When he wrote the book?
Stephen, I was a minor author.

I don't remember any photos
in the press of me strolling into
nightclubs with any arm candy.

We should have tried that, Li.

Oh, no, you shouldn't.

Here's another idea. Oh, God.

Chefs.
They become celebrities, don't they?

Everybody knows who Gordon...
Whatshisname is.

Stephen, you can't boil an egg.

It was just an idea.
I'm floundering, aren't I?

I'm sorry, Steve, but I've
got to lay it on the line.

You and celebrity aren't
two words that exactly go together.

I see. I have to ask, what made you
think of this in the first place?

Drugs. Drugs?

Yes, he had too much brandy last
night and then took two aspirin.

I don't think that would
produce hallucinations.

Of course not. I slept like a log.

Still, I suppose that's what it was
at the end of the day.

Just a silly dream. Why have it?

I suppose I got to thinking
it would be nice just for once
in my life to be noticed.

I've never really
been noticed, you see.

Do you know, I remember taking home
a school photograph once and my
parents couldn't even pick me out.

You were in it? Oh, yeah.

Funny thing was,
I couldn't pick me out either.

You foolish man.

You're right. There are two bags.

I couldn't help noticing them
when Alistair came in.

Look, Sandy, I can tell you.

No, no, it's none of my business.
Tell me what?

You know Alistair and I want a baby.

And you will.
There's no reason why you can't.

You know that.
You must just be patient.

Patience isn't one
of Alistair's strong points.
Hence the dodgy shopping.

He's got it into his head that if...

Well, he really thinks that...

put it like this,
the next thing he'll suggest is
scenery and a full orchestra.

Personally, I'd be more relaxed
driving in the Grand Prix.

Does Harry ever...?

It was the dance of the
seven veils in Canada.

You did the dance
of the seven veils?

No, Harry did. We did laugh.

And you fell into each other's
arms and so on and so forth? Yeah.

Perhaps I should
get a clown's outfit.

Come on, Judy. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

I'm not embarrassed. I just
think Alistair's being a bit silly.
So do I. Chuck it all away then.

No, I've got a better idea.

Uncle Stephen!

Just a minute.

These are a present for you
and Aunt Penny from Alistair.

That's extraordinarily kind of him.

I must go in and thank him.

No, no, don't. No,
you'd just embarrass Alistair.

He's really quite shy.

It just goes to show, doesn't it?

People are seldom quite
what they seem, are they?

Don't just stand there chattering
all day. Sorry. ..Must go.
Old Pen's revving her engine.

Say thank you to Alistair for me.

Bye, Uncle Stephen. Safe journey.

At this rate,
we won't be making a journey.

Take these.

A present to us. From Alistair.

That's very kind of him.
That's what I thought. Bye.

Bye.

I feel awful now.

I don't.

No, nor do I.

Bit early, isn't it?

Not when those two have been.

No, you're right.
Think I'll have one as well.

Alistair? No thanks.

Are you all right?

To be honest, I feel I've let
myself down. I wasn't a great deal
of help to poor old Stephen, was I?

There are times when nobody
can be a help to Stephen.
Quite a lot of the time.

Stephen a celebrity? He'll be
wanting to be a pop star next.

Granted it was a bit left field,
but I always think of
left-field ideas as a challenge.

I should stop doing
that if I were you. Maybe.

I must shoot. I've got a
meeting with the tax inspector.
You're not in trouble, are you?

No, he's written a book about
insurance fraud and he's asked me to
publish it. Now, that's a challenge.

See you later, people.
Bye, Alistair. Bye, Alistair.

What shall we do?

Recover?

I'm sure I left two bags in
the hall. What sort of bags?

Just bags, you know, bits and bobs.

Judy, you didn't see
two bags in the hall, did you?

Me? No.

Argh!

Aren't you going to read?

Not without a book in my hands.

I meant later.

Not if you want to talk. No, no, no.

Not especially, no.

Poor Sandy.

Poor Harry.

Poor Harry and Sandy.

All right, why?

They can never afford to
buy a house round here.

I don't think they could afford
to buy a garden shed round here.

Not that they need to move anywhere.

I said not that they need to
move anywhere. Yes, I heard.

Well? They do.

Do what? Need to move.

Perhaps we could convert Judy's old
room into a sitting room for them.

Oh, dear. And a separate bathroom
would be nice.

If we were to make
Judy's room a bit smaller,
we could just knock through.

Why not go the whole hog
and just put another whole
storey onto the house?

That's not very constructive.
It wasn't intended to be.

They don't want to live with us.
Who told you that?

They're a young couple starting out
with a baby on the way.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

I know I'm right. Well, don't preen.

I'm going to sleep. It's impossible
to preen in your sleep.

I don't know.

The first night we spent together,
you had a very smug expression
on your face the next morning.

That was altogether different.

I'd just climbed the mountain.

I'm not a mountain.

I didn't mean that. Be very careful.

I meant I'd just spent the night
with a beautiful girl.

That's much better.

We will help them,
won't we, financially, I mean?

Of course we will.
It's certainly preferable
to knocking down walls.

Sandy will come back to the agency
now, that's a good salary
and I'll bump it up.

Unless she takes the baby
to work, the job won't last
that long, will it? True.

I'll give her a big fat leaving
bonus. And a baby bonus as well.

You can't give a bonus to a baby.

Not directly, no. The baby'll
probably just eat the cheque.

All right, all right,
you've made your point.

Either way, we'll help.

Assuming they don't
see it as charity.

How can a gift be charity?

I'll just have to think
about that one.

Aren't you reading?

Not now. I'm tired.

Yes, so am I.

I wasn't beautiful.

Yes, you were. No, I wasn't.

Stop fishing for compliments
and go to sleep.

Swine.

Good night.

Good night.

How beautiful?

Good night.

Lionel said you wanted a word.

Yes.

I thought stacking the dishwasher
was Lionel's field of expertise.

Yes, well, he claims it is.

Well, it is. I'll just leave it.

He'll love that. It's his own fault.
Of course it is.

So, what did you want
to talk to me about?

Going back to work at the agency.

Ah. I know Judy's been doing it
while you've been away,

but quite honestly,
her heart hasn't been in it.

Nor's mine any more.

What? Things change.

I've got Harry now and you
know the odd hours he works.

I can't look after him
and be a career woman.

That's very old-fashioned.

Maybe it is.

And then there's the baby.
What happens then?

I was going to give you a baby
bonus. There's no such thing.

Well, a bonus then. Oh, look...

I know you're trying to be kind but,
it's a bit like charity, isn't it?

Oh God. That's what Lionel said.

Well, it is.

You have a stubborn streak in you.

Look who's talking.

Well, I suppose there's
a first time for everything.

I couldn't get the door closed.
No, not that.

I've just had an abusive phone call.

Oh, really! What is the world
coming to? Anonymous, I suppose?

No, it was from Penny.

Penny?

Yeah, you tried
to jam too much in there.

Never mind that. What has
Penny got to abuse you about?

Perhaps abuse is too strong a word.

Rant would do better.

Never mind the semantics. What
about? That's the puzzling bit.

Two shopping bags full of what
she called sexual depravity.

And apparently Stephen claims
they were a present from Alistair.

Oh, that's absurd. I thought that.
As if Alistair would...

just a minute.

Didn't he say he'd left
two bags in the hall?

Yes, he did. But how did they
end up with Penny and Stephen?
Where did Sandy go?

This is not at all funny.

It was a very, very silly
thing to do. Yes, Mum.

Both of you.

Yes, boss.
Giving stuff like that to Penny.

Can you imagine her face when
she looked into those bags?

Sorry. I can.

You can what? Imagine Penny's face.

That's not funny.
You're quite right.

I bet it was a picture.

What about Uncle Stephen?

Totally baffled, I should think.

I don't know. Aunt Pen might be
dressed as a fantasy nurse by now.

I've squared it with Steve and Pen.

I told them it was all a
big mistake. I second that.

Message received and understood.

Then I really papered
over the cracks.

They're getting two of the hottest
tickets in town for tonight's film
premiere. Which you don't have.

Not until I make a phone call, no.

And we've seen the last of
that stuff in the bags?
They're not keeping them?

As far as I know, they're scattered
all over the hedgerows and highways
of Hampshire by now.

I wonder if it will be on the news.

Sadly, no. But Stephen could find
himself swanning up the red carpet
tonight, mingling with the stars.

At least he'll be a celebrity
for one night. Yes.

Wasn't it Bertrand Russell who said
everyone would be world famous
for 15 minutes?

No.

Andy Warhol.

Close.

What did Bertie Russell say then?

Quite a lot.

What about a quiet drink over
the road? Sounds like a good idea.

Oh, you're all going? Fine.

What do you know
about fantasy nurses?

Quite a lot. My mother was one.

And an orange juice
for the little mother.

What about a game of darts, Li?

It's like being out
with a hyperactive child.

Oh, go on, don't be a spoilsport.

I just fancied
a quiet drink, that's all.

What shall we play? You said darts.

No, no. I meant format.

What about ten thousand and one?

I think that might
take several days.

Here's to Judy.

To Judy.

Why?

Cos Sandy and I had a little chat
this morning and she's decided not
to come back to the agency. Oh?

For very good reasons,
which I accept,
however stubborn they may be.

So I'm asking you to come back
permanently, Judy.

Now what do you say? I'm leaving.

Where are you going?

No, not here. The agency.

Oh, look. Just cos Sandy said no,
doesn't mean you're second choice.

It does, actually.

But that's not the point, honestly.

Mum, I'm not up for it.

I just don't fancy it.

The truth is, I don't fancy working
any more. It's not as if I have to.

I didn't have to.
I just stuck at it. Yes. And look
at what it was doing to you.

Before Lionel came on the scene,
you were turning into a real ratbag.
I was not.

Old Iron Drawers,
the girls used to call you.

That was office banter. Call it
what you like, but there was a point
when work was becoming your life.

PING!

What was that?

Alistair just hit the lampshade.

Desperation, Li,
you were winning anyway.

Only because I hit
the dartboard occasionally.

Let's shoot some pool, eh?

Let's not. Judy isn't
coming back to the agency.

Is that all you have to say?
I didn't say anything.

Well, I say, "Hey hey!"

That means more of you to myself.

More time to work
on little Alistair.

I do wish you wouldn't use
expressions like "work on".

All right, what about
"Apply ourselves to"?

Hello, Harry.

Oh, Harry, you found us.

Down to detective work.

I read the note on the door which
said, "We've all gone for a drink."

The kind of note which,
professionally speaking,
I would advise against. Yes.

You did take the note off the door?

Oh.

Harry!

Well, shouldn't someone...? I'll go.

Shouldn't we be mob handed, Li?

Not unless there's a queue
of burglars at the front door.

DOORBELL RINGS

For goodness sake.

Mrs Bale?

I've brought you some eggs.

Really.

Come in.

There are light snow showers in
the English Channel, by the way. Oh.

Well, do go through.

Is everybody well?

Yes, thank you.

Do sit down.

Can I get you some tea?

No, thank you. I shared a Thermos
in a lay-by with some very charming
Hells Angels on the way up.

Charming? Yes.

I shall never understand why
we bikers get such a bad name.

I blame Marlon Brando, myself.

Do you?

Well, it's very nice to see you,
Mrs Bale,

but surely you didn't come all
this way just to bring us some eggs?

Of course not.
The eggs were an afterthought.

I came to London to drop
Mr Hardcastle Senior off.

Drop him off where?
His line-dancing class.

Did you say line-dancing?

Apparently, his teacher
says he's a natural.

You don't approve, do you?

It's not for me to
approve or disapprove.

No, I don't approve.
He said you wouldn't.

A man of his age line-dancing!

What should a man
of his age be doing?

Acting it.

He said you'd say that too.

Predictable, aren't I? Oh, very.

You might have told us
you weren't coming back.

Got a surprise for you.

Hello, Mrs Bale.
How nice to see you.

You too, Mrs Hardcastle.

You look very well.
I like the leathers.

Thank you. The chapter in the lay-by
said I looked foxy.

Chapter?

Hells Angels.

Mrs Bale had tea with them.

Oh, I see.

Where's Rocky?

Line-dancing.

Really? I'm picking him up later.

Line-dancing! You already said that.

Mr Hardcastle Junior
does not approve.

Mr Hardcastle Junior
wouldn't approve.

The old fool could kill himself.
Has Lionel offered you
anything to drink?

Yes, he did, thank you.
What about something to eat?

Is nobody listening to
what I'm saying? Certainly.
What would you like me to get you?

No, no. I mean can we get you
something to eat? Thank you, no.

I would like to change into
something less squeaky before I go.

Oh yes, of course.
Please, use our bedroom.

I'll be two shakes of a lamb's tail.

She's a treasure, isn't she?

She's as mad as my father.
I heard that.

Well, she is.

What is the matter with you?

Peace and quiet.
A little bit of peace and quiet.

That's all I ask for.

Just you and your custard tarts?

But no, in they come,
one after the other, bringing
their lunacy in with them.

Wouldn't it be nice if just once,
someone came in, had a normal
conversation, then went home again?

DOORBELL RINGS

See?

You don't even know who it is.

Perhaps you'd like to hide in
the cupboard under the stairs.
If I could get in there, I would.

Penny, Stephen.

We were in London two hours early
for the premiere, thanks to Stephen.

Just wanted to be on the safe side,
so I thought I'd wait here.

I knew you wouldn't mind. Mind?

No, we're delighted,
aren't we Lionel?

Lionel's cooking one of
his screaming hot chillies.

Ah, I like chilli.

Well, I am chilly. Give us a cuddle.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh...

beautiful.

You're watching the rugby,
aren't you? No.

Yes.

There.

Oh, Harry.

It was only a replay, anyway.

I'll never take precedence over a
live international. Course you will.

Provided it's not England playing.

You know Jean doesn't
want us to move, don't you?

I'd never have guessed.

It will seem funny.

That's not a "but", is it? No.

No, I don't have any buts.

I just want you and me, plus little
Harry, as Alistair would call it.

Yeah.

I've just been sacked as sous chef.

Why does Lionel get so temperamental
when he's cooking chilli?

Perhaps he's got
Mexican blood in him.

SPANISH PRONUNCIATION:

Yeah. Lionel Jose Jardcastle!

Drink?

No, thanks. Sandy?

If I have another orange juice,
I think I'll explode.

Well, I deserve one.
I deserve a drink. Tequila?

Why tequila?
It's just a little joke.

How's the chilli?

Nearing perfection,
if I do say so myself.

It is just the four of us for
dinner, isn't it? Yes. Good.

Just wanted reassuring that we're
not going to get invaded again.

No. Rocky's line-dancing. Penny and
Stephen have gone to the premiere.
Judy and Alistair have gone home.

So unless the Vikings
invade us again, you're safe.

We went back with Judy and Alistair
this afternoon to look at their flat.
Flat? Apartment.

We had a flat in Canada. The whole
place would fit in their bathroom.

Lionel was talking
about turning Judy's room
into a sitting room for you.

It would only need knocking through.

Actually,
you don't need to knock anything
through because we're moving.

I know you will eventually.
No, not eventually.

It looks as though
I'm going to WA division
and they help with police housing.

Oh. Nothing very grand,
but it's a start.

And that's all we need.

Oh.

That is good news. Where?

Here?

No. ..Where will you be living?

Battersea.

Battersea?!

You're doing it again.
You make everywhere beyond
Holland Park sound like Siberia.

Battersea. There are worse places
than Battersea. Far worse.

Didn't that murderer
come from Battersea? What murderer?

I can't remember his name.

Some murderer.

I'm being silly, aren't I?
We shan't be far away.

Just a short sledge-ride really.

Dinner, as Mrs Bale
would say, will be served
in nine and three-quarter minutes.

PHONE RINGS

Don't panic. Don't panic.

If it's someone wanting to pop in,
I'll say we've emigrated.

Hello.

Oh, Patrick.

Hello.

What?

Where?

Yes, of course.
We'll be over immediately.

Yes, goodbye.

That was Patrick, calling from
the hospital he's working in.

I'm afraid Rocky's been admitted
to A&E.

I've got you a blanket.

I don't want a blanket.

It's like a greenhouse in here.

I'll just put it across your knees.

My knees are no colder then the
rest of me. Now just stop fussing.

There must be something I can do?

I wouldn't say no to
a stiff gin and tonic.

They said nil by mouth.

They could just pour it in my ear
then.

Alistair called on his mobile.

They're almost here.
Thank you, Patrick.
..Remind me to get a mobile.

In case you'd forgotten, you had one.

So I did. Whatever happened to it?

You lost your temper
and threw it into the rainwater butt.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Nasty cough you've got there,
nurse.

That means I should be
somewhere else. Ignore the woman.

The last student doctor
who did that is still in traction.

You go along, my boy. You cut along
to wherever you are supposed to be.

The mortuary, I'm afraid.

Well, let's hope
we don't meet up there later.

I do wish you wouldn't
say things like that.

Well, Patrick laughed.

To think that young Lionel
looked after that whole family
and he never said anything.

If you ask me,
he's a closet philanthropist.

I do hope there wasn't
any confusion about him calling
Mr Hardcastle Junior "Father".

I'm sure there wasn't. A very
level-headed girl, Jean Pargetter.

There you are.
What have you been up to now?

There's a very warm greeting,
I must say. Hello, Jean Pargetter.

Hello, Rocky, what have
you been up to now?

You see, it sounds so much nicer
coming from you.

Will you just answer the question!
There is no need to shout.

Sssh!

See.

What have you been up to now?

Well, here is a sight
to gladden the old eyes.

You remember Harry, don't you?

Of course. You were off to be
a Mountie the last time we met.

Only a temporary one.
Look, I'm sorry, I couldn't park.

Hello, Rocky. My word.

Things are glamming up
here by the minute.

What have you been up to?
I've been trying to find that out
for 10 minutes.

He was knocked over. By a car?

Line-dancing. Would you please all
move over, you are blocking access.

And would you please
keep the noise down!

Thank you.

Tell us what happened, Rocky.
Well, the whole class
was going swimmingly at first

and then we got into the
step, step, touch the heel bit.

Or was it touch the heel,
step, step?

Does it matter? A great deal.

You've got to get it right.

And?

I somehow cannoned into this rather
large lady wearing cowboy boots.

I shot across the floor like a
curling stone. What's the verdict?

I think it was my fault.

No, I meant here.

I don't know
but ligaments were mentioned.

I'm waiting to go to X-ray.

But nothing's happening.

Alistair?

What?

Oh, right.

Excuse me.

I need a word
and don't say "I'm busy."

- You've got to hand it to Alistair.
- Not all the time.

I think he's talking to a porter.

Here we are, information.

Information isn't giving any.

He was only a porter. Harry, tell
someone you're a policeman. Who?

Not information!

Mr...Newcastle.

ALL: Hardcastle.

That girl's writing!

Come along then, dear.

We are taking you off to radiology.

Jolly good.

Yes, I think we can manage,
thank you.

And would you please all sit down!

"Ring", it says.

Not bang on the glass.
Now who wants me?

Stop playing games.

Don't worry Mrs Bale,
he's a tough old bird.

Yes, I know.

Could somebody get Mrs Bale
a cup of tea? Yes, I will.

Thank you, Sandra.

SHE KICKS MACHINE

Oh! Why was that inevitable?

There's a sign up there that says
"cafeteria". I bet that's closed.

Would you all go and have a look?

Lionel and I will stay here.

Come along, Mrs Bale.
Thank you, Alistair.

Can I bring you two anything back?

Not unless they've got
any chilli con carne.
You'll be lucky, hot's off.

Thank you so much.

It was nice that everybody came.

Yes, it was.

Hello, you two!
Stephen, what are you doing here?

What on earth has happened?

Ribs, the ambulance people think. No,
what happened in the first place?

Oh, at the film premiere,
we never did get on the red carpet.

So I decided to vault the barrier
to talk to Renee Zellweger.

Stephen, why would you do that?

The celebrity thing, I still haven't
quite got it out of my mind and I
thought if I can be photographed

talking to Renee Zellweger,
well, that would be a start.

What did she say?
I never actually reached her.

My vaulting is not
what it was, you see.

I don't suppose there's any chance
of her popping round?

I wouldn't hold your breath.
Penny, where's Penny?

She's all right,
she just fainted for some reason.

Fool of a man!

She hurt her neck when she fell.

Yes, it was nice that
everyone came, wasn't it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2005

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk