Original subtitles

Previously, on The Magicians.

Everett's trying to squeeze out hedges.

This is just more of the same.

We're here to study with Mayakovsky.

Well, I hear he's crazy.

You've heard wrong.

So wait, so you turned Mayakovsky into a bear?

I can help.

Just let me stay.

You saved my life.

You can save my life 50 times.

It's not going to change anything between us.

Goodbye, Alice.

The Poison Room is where we store books too dangerous for the public.

You must seek The Binder.

This was in the Mirror World.

And I heard you were looking for The Binder, so…

Holy shit.

The Foremost save them...

...with special weapons that expel possession.

They call them ice axes and I'm assuming that's poetic license.

So we might have a chance to save Eliot.

But Hot and Dumb just wasn't getting it.

And that's when I told The Foreskin,

"Welcome to the New Desert Order."

"It's gonna suck for you."

Wow, you really went through a lot to get those axes.

Call them by their names.

Sorrow...

...and Sorrow.

Nice.

Where'd you get the axes from?

Fine. I'll tell it one more time.

So I'm all, "Welcome to the New Desert Order."

"Gonna suck for you."

What's gonna suck?

Telling this story over again.

And so I was like, "Welcome to the New Desert Order."

"Gonna suck for you."

What did I miss?

I'm getting a smoothie.

You fuckers take this.

Seriously, you spent that much time in the desert...

...and this never occurred to you?

We're dealing with God-level monsters.

Who possess people.

Those axes pull the spirits out, and then we bottle them up.

Bam! FTW.

All he's saying is they're too powerful.

I doubt your bottles can hold that shit.

Those monsters are coming for us.

Make it work!

Okay, but how?

We could cast an incorporate bond on the bottles?

Thank you!

I don't know what that is, but I hate you less, now.

It's a way to pin a being or object in place.

It's like a fourth dimensional paperweight.

Mayakovsky was trapped under one for years.

We just need to pin the monsters to your bottles...

...long enough to get rid of them.

Great. Let's do that shit, then!

So who knows how to cast an incorporate bond?

I did cast an incorporate bond on Mayakovsky,

but I didn't write the spell myself.

So who wrote it?

Mayakovsky did.

He didn't know I was going to use it on him.

He was the only person capable of writing a spell...

...which he couldn't break.

He knows more things about incorporate bonds...

...than anyone else does.

You wanted a spell to trap a God, yes?

Well, he's the real expert.

But he's also a bear.

Not exactly.

You see, once magic came back,

he was able to become human again.

Much to his wife's dismay.

So where is he now?

He went back to Brakebills South?

I mean, why?

Brakebills isn't using it.

There's not enough magic for the geese to make it.

Found that out the hard way.

Rest in peace, First Years.

So I guess we have to go down there and talk to Mayakovsky?

Sounds like a plan.

You two have fun talking to that old drunk.

No.

Wait, Margo… Margo.

Hey, I just… I… There's…

Things are still kind of weird between me and Alice,

and I… And I just thought…

And I'm still rinsing desert sand out of my twat, all right?

I'm not going to fucking Antarctica.

Grow a pair of tits, Coldwater.

Jesus, it's cold.

I forgot my scarf, so good luck with that.

If it makes you feel any better, I don't want to be alone with you, either.

I never said that.

Yes you did. I heard you say that to Margo.

Let's just not start by lying to each other.

Okay, look. I don't want to be here.

But we're here. So let's just get it over with.

Quentin?

Oh, shit.

Professor?

Mayakovsky.

Professor?

Mayakovsky did this to himself.

He designed a spell to swap his present consciousness...

...with one from a different time.

He called it a timeshare spell.

So that's not our Mayakovsky?

Not mentally, no.

Based on his notes and his current state,

I think he's from the future where...

...Mayakovsky has dementia.

Great.

Well, it was an accident.

He inverted two of the numbers in the spell.

So how do we undo it?

He's the only one who can.

I don't think we can help him, Quentin.

We may have hit a dead end.

Unless I talk to him in the past.

You wanna steal Everett's book from the Poison Room?

It's the only way we can get ahead of him.

But...

...I need your help.

Penny died 'cause of going in there.

So, no.

I can get us in and out unharmed.

But protocol dictates Librarians enter the Poison Room in pairs.

For safety.

Fogg can do it.

Unfortunately, I cannot leave Brakebills.

The Library has been up my ass.

They're even threatening to put monitors in all my classrooms.

Henry has a point.

It would draw undue attention.

Oh, to the fact that he's a fucking coward?

You don't get to be a Magician my age, dear,

without a very healthy sense of...

...self-preservation.

Kady...

...please?

I mean, if this is a real language...6

...it is a dead one that nobody's ever written about.

Maybe it's not a language.

Maybe it's...

God damn paper cut!

The cocksucking book bit me!

It did.

Why's this book suddenly blank?

Hey, wait a minute.

Is that writing there?

I can barely make it out.

Oh, my God.

I think it's written in Margo's blood.

It wants blood? I got blood.

BRB.

Is that?

Yup.

It's shark week.

You can thank my uterus later.

This is in Latin.

I can't cast.

Better have a look at it.

Oh, come on.

The Binder stood before them.

And as they stared,

eyes full of wonder,

The Binder thought to himself.

Took you long enough.

-The key's in there? -Yes.

And he's at an acquisitions meeting...

...which should give us enough time to copy it.

Okay, thanks. Check back with me later.

Everett!

Zelda?

How was the meeting?

Detailed.

I snuck out.

What are you doing here?

I was hoping we could talk?

In your office, perhaps.

Of course.

The Binder knew Julia had many questions.

She had been searching in vain for how to re-acquire her divinity.

He knew the answer.

Hey, what's with all the third person, past-tense bullshit?

The Binder had no idea what she was talking about.

The Binder explained he had answers.

But it would require they learn how he came to be…

...to be…

...to be…

The Binder felt dizzy.

His book. It was….

It was somehow…

It was somehow...

...missing pages.

I think he's broken.

The fuck?

When did this happen?

I don't know.

He was talking normal a second ago.

Normal for him.

God.

The hell?

Fen, Tick?

Guys, the weirdest thing just happened.

I was eating a biscuit not off the floor...

...and I had a kind of vision.

Still good.

Last looks!

"Eating Out with Josh Hoberman" Scene 1, Take 1.

Marker.

I'm eating what?

But no one in Fillory has a TV...

...so why am I questioning this?

Action!

Any baker worth their gluten...

...knows a biscuit is only as good as its flour.

Add a drizzle of lavender infused honey and trust me.

You'd eat this right off the floor.

The Winds of Fate.

They have come unseasonably early this year.

I think this is a sign that Fillory's in trouble.

Early Winds of Fate.

Lorian plants silencing the animals,

too many Questing creatures.

Seriously. It's sounds like Fillory's ecosystem is completely jacked.

And not in a sexy way.

Interesting you should say that.

Not long ago, we imprisoned a Naiad...

...for committing moderate acts of violence against some farmers.

She deboned one of them.

Really great knife skills.

Jesus!

Anyway, I recall her saying something about Fillory's failing Eco-system?

But she was covered in guts and that's really hard to get past.

Been there. Get that.

Let's talk to her.

Okay.

Hello, Ismenie!

I brought you some visitors today!

Oh, God!

Am I the only one getting The Ring-slash-Grudge-type vibes here?

She's a naiad.

Why do you dry-skins torture me?

I came to you with a warning.

Yes, yes.

You also attacked several farmers.

That was my warning!

They were stealing my water!

An assault on my very soul!

She protects a well.

What if your blood lived outside of your skin,

and thoughtless things drank it, bathed in it, peed in it.

Yes, well, I am afraid we have a few questions we need to ask.

About Fillory's ecosystem?

I told you all before, it is The Waters.

They are moving.

It is the fault of the Thirteenth.

The Thirteenth?

The Thirsty Thirteenth.

He tried to capture us.

Dam us in.

Water should flow free.

What he built?

There is no excuse for it.

What did he build?

We're done here, dry-skins.

No, we are not done here!

Once you're there,

you can't do anything or say anything to anyone that'll…

Risk changing the past. I get it.

I've been to the movies.

This is serious, Quentin.

The bridge between your past self and your present self...

...is delicate. If you break it…

Look, as long as you wipe past me's memory, we'll be fine.

I have a Memory Charm ready to go.

We'll set the spell so it takes you back to where we were at Brakebills South.

Just go straight to Mayakovsky's office.

And don't talk to anyone.

I won't.

Alice?

How did I get up here?

Alice, I...

Oh, God. Alice.

-Alice, wait. -What?

-No, I just have to… -What's wrong?

No, no, no. This is fine.

No, it's just that I gotta...

What did I do?

Huh, you? No, no.

It's me. I'm the problem.

I just…

I forgot condoms.

So, I'm just gonna…

What am I doing up on the table?

Just stand still.

Whose clothes am I wearing?

Shit. There's no more magic.

Alice, what's going on? How did we get here?

I heard that...

...sometimes, Mayakovsky randomly teleport students...

...into the lab for testing.

To keep us on their toes.

Okay. I hadn't heard that, but…

No, it's a real thing. That he does.

Look, there must be some sort of test.

Knots!

Yeah. We need to tie these into knots.

For magical purposes. Like, for sure.

All right. I guess that could be worse.

Yes?

Hello?

Oh, thank Christ. I didn't think I'd get through.

Phones here work off of GPS coordinates not numbers.

Well, you were close.

Listen, I don't have a lot of time.

We need your help.

Surviving First Year students.

I am here...

...to teach you...

...what not to do!

Let's begin with a Cloaking Spell, shall we?

Which, unfortunately,

you will never do, because The Library.

They don't want you to know it.

Did you see that?

Now forget it.

Because if you learn it, you'll be in very, very serious trouble.

Damn it.

God.

Cock shit.

Surely you didn't come here just to gossip about Phyllis?

You don't think her perfumes are a danger to the books?

I think she smokes and doesn't want anyone to know.

But we all do.

It's good to see you smiling.

I've been worried about you.

You've seemed distant lately.

I'd wondered if something had happened.

If anything were wrong I'd tell you.

You would.

Well, I'm here for you. You know that, right?

Yes?

Sorry to interrupt but there has been an incident.

It's Fogg.

Perhaps it's time for someone to talk to him who isn't a friend.

Of course.

Thank you for the tea.

The hell did Margo go?

I thought she came in here?

What's with the honeymoon suite?

That was…

You didn't do that, did you?

I can't do that.

Okay. Seriously?

Margo?

Margo?

Some weird-ass ghost shoved me in a closet!

Yeah, I can see your non-corporeal,

panty-sniffing ass with my God-damn fairy eye!

Ghost?

Or whatevs.

He keeps shaking his head.

I can't hear you!

He keeps pointing at you for some reason.

Penny 23!

Isn't this just berries!

I'm here because you changed my life, Penny.

I mean, not you, Penny 40.

But basically you.

When he died...

...slash-became my astral best friend.

Yeah, I seriously doubt that.

Oh, my. You sound just like P-Foty right now.

Can we get to the part where you explain why you're here? Please?

Welp, you guys were my favorite characters.

Only you disappeared!

So I left Brakebills to find out what happened.

And when I did...

This plot was a mess.

You mean my life?

And I realized, I'm done watching.

I want to participate.

And you the other you, great twist,

showed me how to do that.

Turns out I can be stuff...

...at a level I never imagined possible!

Is that why Margo's tied up in a closet and...

...you're lighting candles, playing sexy music?

Patience, Kemosabe, I'll get there!

Yeah, that's offensive?

But I thought you were Indian?

-What? -Anyhootch, I had a thought.

I mean, in my day,

you two would sip a little giggle water and get a wiggle on!

But instead we're just...

...waiting.

Yawn!

You mean all this insane shit that is happening...

...is to get me and Julia to hook up?

I mean, after that little naked interlude in Fillory I'd…

-You watched that? -Yeah.

I know a true thing when I see it, buster! And you're it.

Listen, Hyman,

if you stole the pages from The Binder,

we need them back.

Now.

Or I will sic Margo on you.

Maybe I overstepped.

But you just gotta understand,

I see what you and Julia keep doing...

...and I worry about the both of you.

What are we doing?

You both sacrifice your own joy...

...to help others.

Julia gave up all that power?

And you?

I mean, other Penny died because of it.

Yeah, when I think about it, it's a sad twist.

You can't blame me for wanting the two of you to be happy...

...because you will never do it for yourself.

Hey, wet-n-wild!

You said everything's the fault of the Thirteenth.

But all mention of him has been stricken from the archives!

I'm not a conspiracy theorist,

but I'm workin' on a theory there might be a conspiracy.

Somebody erased this guy. Magically.

But you know his name, don't you?

I will not speak it.

Oh, yes you will!

Wait, what are you doing?

I went all the way to your well.

And if you don't tell us what we need to know,

I am going to drink it and then I'm going pee it.

-And then Josh is going to drink it. -Yeah!

Wait, what?

You monster.

Tick! You can't do this!

Dude, yeah, that's sort of like torture?

-I thought we were against that. -We are!

She is the only one who knows the name of the Thirteenth King.

And she is going to tell us!

Please! Please! You can't.

God, it hurts!

-Ram's bottom, what was it? -Oh, God!

-Was it the thirteenth, the thirteenth. -It hurts.

It's Roderick!

Thirsty Roderick, thirteenth of his line,

always liked to have a good time!

Oh my God, you're right.

About what?

A nursery rhyme. I've been trying to remember it all day.

We used to sing it while playing Bearskip.

It's a children's game. Sort of like Fillorian hopscotch.

Involving bears?

Ideally skipping them.

He hides his drink from his many daughters.

Built a cistern to hoard the waters.

Underneath the castle fair.

-If you jump you'll skip the bear! -If you jump you'll skip the bear!

Okay, your nursery rhyme used the word cistern?

How else are children supposed to learn...

...about underground water containment systems?

You people are sick.

Wait.

He built underground water containment systems.

Explain it. You said, "The waters, they are moving."

But were you really talking about water?

She's always talking about water.

Unless she's talking about magic.

A huge reservoir of magic, hidden underneath the castle.

That could be what's causing all the stuff we're seeing.

Wait. Wait.

I think I know how we can get to it.

Follow me.

Okay.

God, it hurts!

An incorporate bond?

Why do you suddenly need to know this?

I… It's just something that I've been wondering about.

You are serious?

You could be having fox sex with your partner, the better magician.

I realize that.

She could do incorporate bond.

And she's chosen to have sex with you for some reason.

You should be having as much sex with her as you can before she realizes.

Thank you for the relationship advice,

an area that I'm sure that you are an expert in.

A little push back from B-minus student.

I like this.

I'm just saying.

There is something that you are an actual expert in...

...that I need to know about.

Right.

You need to know how to cast an incorporate bond.

What is your discipline?

-What? -Your discipline, B-minus student.

Or did you leave that back in your tiny fox pants?

They tested me.

Inconclusive.

Well, that is a problem.

Can't cast incorporate bond without your discipline.

There's gotta be some kind of work-around for it?

Nope.

Come back when you are fully-formed.

Come on, there's got to be something that you can do.

I need this!

Fine.

Drink this.

Because this will help with the test, or…

It will kill brain cells.

I have plenty to spare.

You don't.

But...

...I don't want to drink alone.

So this is it, huh?

Before we go in, there's a small matter of protection.

Swallow it.

But what is it?

Insects.

Don't chew. They have to go down whole.

So they can eat any poison you take into your bloodstream.

Okay.

The bugs only last an hour, so we need to be quick.

There is something you are not telling me.

What? No. That's not true.

You're a very bad liar, B-minus.

More like D-plus on this.

And I don't have to tell you anything,

until you tell me what you are hiding.

It's complicated.

You are from future, yes?

What?

What is in there?

Is older than what is in there.

Yeah.

Yes. Fine. I am. I...

Not me, me, but my consciousness.

I came here to ask you about incorporate bonds.

Why didn't you ask me in your time?

-I'm dead or something? -No!

Look, I can't tell you anything else, I can't risk messing up the past.

I've seen "Back to the Future".

You want to fuck your mother in past?

What? No!

Why? She not attractive?

Look. I just can't tell you any more about how I did this.

I already know.

You used timeshare spell.

I've been working on it.

Clearly I must have finished it.

Don't worry.

Future is safe.

Everything you say is in the vault.

This vault.

I will definitely not remember anything about this conversation.

Like most conversations I have with students like you, D-plus.

This is basis for incorporate bond.

We are done here.

You never told me my discipline.

Repair of Small Objects.

Really?

Hope we did not ruin your big plans...

...after you get back to your mysterious future,

Mr Time Traveler.

Tell my older self,

well done!

Shit.

Alice.

What the hell Q?

What did you cast?

Some sort of spell...

...to make your future self take over your past self's body?

What's happens that made you have to do this?

I can't tell you that.

Well, can you talk about what's happening with us?

Of course you can't. Paradox rules apply.

I can't risk changing the past.

I could get lost forever.

I could do a memory charm?

Alice.

I know one that will erase my memory for the last hour.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Why?

So we can talk about the way you looked at me when you came back.

There's so much...

...pain.

A lot of things have happened.

How bad?

Pretty goddamn bad.

What happens?

You get hurt.

We both do.

So would you rather I just stopped this now?

So we never have to feel the way you feel?

Look, you're a nice guy, Q, for trying to warn me.

I'm not trying to.

But I'm not scared of the future.

I'm scared of losing this.

If it's crazy and hopeless where you live.

But you know, maybe I never told you this,

but you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

So...

...when you go back,

just remember that, okay?

What do you think made Mayakovsky so bitter?

Huh?

And, like, obsessed with the vulpine sex of his two students?

Yeah, it's weird, isn't it?

No, no, it's totally normal.

He's a normal guy. These are normal school situations.

Seriously, though, do you think that he would notice...

...if we stopped tying these knots?

Probably?

We shouldn't.

Hey.

Crazy idea.

What if we stopped tying the knots and instead we…

-Yeah, we could do it on the table. -Quentin!

Quentin!

I know, it was hotter in my head.

Sorry, Vix, are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

Yeah, you are.

That was nice.

-Alice? -Yeah?

It's me. I'm back.

The Binder's story began in a place...

...known simply as...

...The Library.

You were a Librarian?

He did say it started in the Library.

I mean, it's fucking obvious.

He was studying the limits of power.

His specialty was the magic inherent in gods.

Great. A puppet show.

The Binder had a theory.

When a being of great power, such as a god is killed,

their energy is lost.

But he believed it could be preserved by binding it to an object.

That object, in turn, could be bound to a Magician...

...of sufficient training and preparation,

effectively turning the Magician into a god.

Yeah, but every time a mortal tries to kill a God,

all of magic gets shut off.

The Binder politely reminded Margo that not every story was about her.

So, The Binder is a catty bitch?

He continued.

It was a problem that perplexed The Binder and his fellow Librarians.

But as it turned out,

the old gods themselves provided a solution.

Two siblings.

Mistakes.

Born with the power of many gods.

They were created with one unique quality...

...that made them essential to this experiment.

They could not...

...die.

So no matter what you did to them,

it wouldn't trigger the old gods to take away magic.

Without fear of the old gods' retribution,

The Librarians were safe to move forward with their experiment.

One of the Monsters was captured the older, more dominant one.

-The female. -Natch.

The one left behind would be confused, afraid, like a child.

Without his sister, he'd have trouble even remembering them.

What did you do to the sister?

She was split into four parts.

Each part bound in a stone.

Each stone, bound in a Librarian.

Bacchus.

Iris.

Heka.

Aengus.

Those ballsacks.

When they were finished,

The Binder came to regret what he had done.

But the new gods he had built were afraid of him.

He alone held the secret that could make them human again.

And so,

they cursed him.

They turned you into a book.

Okay, that does kind of suck.

In that form, he became something they could control.

Hide from the rest of The Order, from history.

It was only by chance that a young Librarian read his book.

And was convinced to hide The Binder in the mirror world...

...where he hoped no one would find him again.

Until word reached The Binder of Julia Wicker,

and her quest.

He knew he had the answers she sought.

So you can help me become a Goddess again?

He could take her in either direction.

To Godhood, or Humanity.

The choice was hers.

Either road would be painful.

He wondered aloud if she was ready.

You and me both.

The Binder knew she needed time to consider which way to go.

But either way,

he'd need a favor in return.

He needed her to burn his book.

He did not want to be used again,

like he was before.

I got it!

Do we have time for that?

First thing you learn in The Order is how to speed read.

Everett's been lying to all of us.

It's just as we suspected.

He's been hoarding magic.

To do what?

To become a god.

And if this book is correct…

…he succeeds.

The floor in this hallway is laid out in the exact pattern of a Bearskip board.

Now, that can't just be a coincidence?

Can't it though?

Just jump forward three squares.

Okay.

Not the dragon!

Watch the sloth.

Now duck.

-Duck? -There's a bear on your right.

-Seriously? -That one got my leg.

Okay.

Oh, no. Don't get me, bear.

Because you have successfully skipped the bear,

you get to throw the sweetberry.

And I throw it at the last whatever?

The hibernation square!

Okay, jeez.

Yes! You did it!

That is still good.

I say what again?

Oh, right, right, right.

Honey or die!

Where does it lead?

Only one way to find out.

Seriously?

Perfect timing. We should return right between shift changes.

That's good.

Is it weird I've had this chocolate taste in my mouth?

As the bugs absorb more poison the aftertaste changes.

It's when you taste mint we're in real trouble.

Okay.

It's locked.

Don't you have the key?

The key is for the other side.

Someone locked us in.

I have worse news.

I just tasted mint.

You think Hyman is right?

What he said about us?

God, I don't know if that man has any fucking clue what's going on,

but maybe.

'Cause I've been thinking about becoming a goddess a lot.

How to do it without screwing up like the other gods did.

I don't know.

Maybe I should give some airtime to the alternative.

Becoming human?

I mean being happy.

Okay.

Pros and cons.

You become a goddess,

you get all powered up.

Maybe help in the fight.

You become human?

I get to feel things.

Yeah, like hunger.

And sadness. And…

And this.

Was that a pro or a con?

I have a problem.

She's dying.

Who's dying?

My sister.

I found her a body but...

...it's not strong enough.

I need to find one that's more durable.

Like yours.

So Mayakovsky told you what your discipline is?

Repair of Small Objects.

You did always excel at Minor Mendings.

I always thought it'd be something cooler.

At least it's real.

Now you don't have to fantasize anymore about who you are.

Lie about who you wish you were. You just know it, now.

I mean, maybe you've always known it.

Show me.

How does it feel?

Like I helped it wake up and...

...remember what it was before.