All language subtitles for Parks.And.Recreation.S03E11.Jerrys.Painting.Extended.Version.WEB-DL.x264-LeRalouf

Good morning, Ben.

- Sorry.
- Sorry.

- Did I scare you?
- No.

I just wanted to remind you of the
art show that's happening tonight

at the community center.
- Yeah. Yeah.

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

- Great. Well, that sounds cool.
- Yeah.

That sounds like something that
will be a big success. You know?

I mean, like everything
that you put your paws on.

Your fingers.

Leslie Knope!
Ben Wyatt. Ben, great news.

Do you remember
the woman I told you about

from the county
commissioner's office?

Um... vaguely.

Sure you do. Cindy Miller.

Anyway, she's agreed to go out
on a date with you.

Oh.

You asked her out for me?

You're going to love her.
She is interesting, smart and beautiful.

Inside and out.

Inner beauty is very important.

And outer beauty is
also very important.

I thought you had a rule about
inter-government relationships.

Don't worry. Her department is
completely separate from ours.

This isn't anything like your
affair with Tom Haverford.

We weren't... you... you...

I'm sorry, who are you calling?

Cindy Miller.

Cindy Miller. Chris Traeger.

Guess who is standing in
this room with me right now.

- Oh, uh...
- Ben Wyatt.

Ben, say hello.

Hi, Cindy. Sorry.

Hi. No apology necessary.
It's just Chris being Chris.

How are you doing?

Ooh! Sparks are flying!

We may have to call the fire department.
It's a government joke.

I love setting people up.

Here's my secret.
I determine someone's best qualities,

and then, I find someone else
with compatible qualities,

and I bring them together.

Ugh. God, this sucks.

Oh. Why don't you just go
home for the rest of the day?

I can't go home,
because I have this

art show opening at
the community center,

and I can't stay
here because I see Ben,

and I can't date Ben because
of Chris' stupid rules.

I feel so...

- Powerless.
- Yeah.

I'm like that light bulb.

Weak, flickering,
barely giving off any light,

unable to make out with the light
bulb I want to make out with.

You know what might
make you feel better?

A hug?

Paxil. Do you want me
to get you a prescription?

Hey, Tom! A question for you.

Do you know anyone
who's looking for a roommate?

How hot?

I... what?

How hot is the woman that's
looking for a place to stay?

- No, it's me. I'm looking.
- Come on. That's not fair.

You shouldn't have led me to
believe it was a beautiful woman.

I didn't.

I've been staying at the Pawnee
Super Suites Motel for seven months.

It's a charming little inn with
wonderfully random wake-up calls,

delightfully
unstable temperatures,

and, as of yesterday, bedbugs.

"Four stars," says nobody.

I wish I could help you, Benihana,
but I can't. I have a one-bedroom.

I can't have a dude
sleeping on my couch

if and when I
bring home a lady.

I have a ritual,
and it starts on the couch.

- We sit down, clap my hands, lights dim.
- Okay. Yep. I understand.

- - Boyz II Men. Fades in.
Please, stop. No.

No, you don't need to
explain the ritual. I'm good.

You know who might
be able to help out

a homeless dude
such as yourself?

This is awesomely perfect.

Burly just moved in
with his rich girlfriend,

and we need help with the rent.

We have a couple of
house rules, though.

Yeah, sure. Of course.

You can't use the front door.

You have to climb in
through the back window.

No personal
phone conversations.

If you ever speak to me in Spanish,
please use the formal "usted".

And no
electricity after 6:00 p.m.

- She's joking.
- Okay.

You can use as much
free electricity as you want.

- It's free.
- Couple more rules.

If you ever watch a sad movie,

you have to wear
mascara so we can see

whether or not
you've been crying.

There's no noise allowed on Mondays,
and no TV after breakfast.

- She is lying again.
- She is?

- Because it's hard to tell.
- Yes.

No. We leave
the TV on all day long

so burglars think that
we're home when we're not,

which was my idea that
I'm trying to patent.

So, you want to
move in tonight?

Yeah. Sure.
That would be great.

- You want my gum?
- Uh-huh.

Ron, can you make
the opening remarks?

I'm just...
I'm not in the mood.

Neither am I. Ever.

What's wrong with you?
You live for this kind of stuff.

I don't have it
in me right now.

Ron, please. Do it for me.
Make the speech. Ron, please. Please.

- Give the speech, Ron.
- No.

- Yes. Please? Ron? Please.
- No.

Please give the speech.
Please give the speech.

- No. I won't.
- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

- No way.
- Please, please, please, please, please.

- No. Please, please.
- Yes, yes...

All right! Damn it, woman.

Okay, everyone.
Shut up and look at me!

Welcome to
"Visions of Nature."

This room has
several paintings in it.

Some are big. Some are small.
People did them, and they are here now.

I believe that
after this is over,

they'll be hung in
government buildings.

Why the government is involved
in an art show is beyond me.

I also think it's pointless for
a human to paint scenes of nature

when they can just go outside
and stand in it.

Anyway, please do not misinterpret
the fact that I am talking right now

as genuine interest in art and
attempt to discuss it with me further.

End of speech.

And that's the TV room.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Can you throw that
in the trash can?

I was just here, like,
three weeks ago for your wedding.

What happened?

Well, Burly moved out.

He was the one that did all the
cleaning and throwing away and stuff.

Wait, he moved out,
like, a week ago.

You guys made
this mess in a week?

Well, I always think
April's going to clean up.

And I never clean up.

It's cute, right?

No.

Yes, it is.

Are you guys frying marbles?

We were checking to see
if the fire alarm worked.

It doesn't.

The biggest challenge to
picking the perfect roommate is

finding someone
who's willing to pay more

than their share of
rent without knowing it.

I think we found that in Ben.

You forgot to
paint a painting, son.

So, for my painting,
I chose one

of my very
favorite Greek myths,

the centaur goddess, Dyaphena,
slaying a great stag.

It's stunning.

It's breathtaking, Jerry.

Yeah. It really is.

Wow. Thanks, guys.

Hey, Leslie,
you should really come

over here and look
at Jerry's painting.

Oh, my God.

That's me.
Is that me?

What? No.

Geez, it does look like you.

You're just realizing that now?

That's what you see when you
close your eyes at night, Jerry.

Topless Leslie
glued to a horse.

Okay. Leslie,
I am just so, so sorry.

Dyaphena,
she is this powerful goddess,

and I've been thinking a lot
about powerful women,

and subconsciously,
I painted you.

I'm sorry. I'm going
to take it right down.

No. Leave it up.

I love it.

I don't know how to explain it.

Every time I look at it,
I just think to myself,

"What can't that
centaur woman do?

"Besides ride
an escalator and drive a car."

Art can be so magnificent.

Oh, my God.
The baby is Tom.

What?

This is easily my
favorite painting ever.

What the hell, Jerry? Look at my pot
belly. I look like a pregnant baby.

And why am I so scared? All right,
we've got to take this down. Now.

No, this painting
isn't going anywhere, Tom.

It's staying right here.
Hello, fellow lover of the arts.

Welcome to the painting.

What, is that you?

Well, it's hot.

Thank you.

This guy's in it, too.
He's the little fat baby.

Cool.

Yeah.

What's going on right here?

Baby rolls!

We've been trying to get
that light fixed for months.

Thank you.

Thank her.

Good morning, Tom.

She marched into my office this
morning and told me she wouldn't leave

until I got this done.

Hmm.

Well, I'm glad
someone's feeling good.

They're going to hang that
painting in a public building

where anybody can see it.

In one brush stroke,
Jerry has killed the Jay-Z vibe

that's taken me
years to cultivate

and replaced it with the fat,
brown baby vibe,

which is not as cool of a vibe.

Hey, Aphrodite. Chris
needs you in his office.

Hmm.

When you're done with the light,
fix the printer.

I don't know how
to fix printers.

Learn it.

Leslie, should I go, too?

This isn't about you, Jerry.

It's my painting.

Why am I upset?

Let's start with
government-funded animal porn.

I'm not sure that's fair.

I want it destroyed,
and I want a statement from this office

apologizing for an obscene
depiction of bestiality.

Bestiality? It is
a picture of a centaur,

a beautiful half person,
half horse.

And how did it get like that?

Who had sex with what
and gave birth to which?

Ms. Langman, we hear you,
we understand you

and we are going to do whatever
we can to come to a solution.

Destroy it.

Destroy it?
I mean, is she serious?

Do you find this
personally offensive?

Not personally, no.

No, personally, I enjoy a good
artistic depiction of the human form.

I've dabbled in nude sculpture.
I've posed nude.

In college,
I was in a nude production of Cats.

But I am not in
the nude now, am I?

Because we're in
a government building.

And that would
be inappropriate,

which is what I
think Marcia is saying.

So, take care of
this situation.

That painting is not
going to be destroyed.

Every great work of
art contains a message.

And the message of
this painting is,

"Get out of my way unless you want
an arrow in your ass, Marcia."

Morning, roomie.
How did you sleep?

Well, there were no bedbugs.

Also, no bed.
I'm going to go buy a bed.

- Fork.
- I'm sorry.

Are you eating turkey
chili off of a frisbee?

Yeah. It's
pretty cute, right?

No. Do you know
what "cute" means?

What have you got against
turkey chili for breakfast?

What have you guys got
against washing dishes?

We don't have any dishes, okay?

Burly took them
all when he left.

Now, I bet you
feel like a jerk.

God. Okay, I might need to not
stay here anymore.

No. Sorry, dude. We already spent
your money on a new Xbox 360

and more
frisbees to eat off of.

You've got to stay.

God. Okay. All right.

Here's the deal.

We're going to
clean this place up.

Okay? And then, I am going to
teach you how to be adults.

Cool. We'll get to be adults.

Gee, golly.
Thanks, mister.

Fork.

Hello. I'm Perd Hapley,
and welcome to Ya' Heard? With Perd.

Today's show begins now.
Is this art

or is it pornography?

Here to answer this question

is Parks and Recreation Deputy Director,
Leslie Knope.

Perd, it is
a beautiful work of art.

Governments should not be
in the business of censorship,

especially when a painting is
as awesome as this one.

But this is
where the controversy

of this story gets
even more controversial.

You are the subject
of this painting.

Half woman,
half horse, with what

some would say
are human breasts.

I am not the subject.

The subject is strong and
empowered women everywhere.

But it does look
a little bit like me.

Leslie, for our viewers at home

who might not know,
are centaurs real?

No.

Absolutely sure?

Okay. So, you always separate
your lights from your darks.

That's racist.

And then,
you get your laundry...

Where is your
laundry detergent?

Right. Here we are.

Okay. This is
bubble bath. You guys...

You wash your
clothes in bubble bath?

Bubble bath,
clothes soap, same thing.

No, it's not.

Well, they both
make bubbles, so...

It was never our
intention to offend anyone

I guess some people object to
powerful depictions of awesome ladies.

Okay.

Also joining us today
is a different person.

Pornographic film actress,
Brandi Maxxxx.

- Pleasure to be here.
- Brandi, you've starred in

over 200 adult films,
some of which are very good.

- When did you get into the business?
- Last year.

Fantastic. Now, this painting
right here, art or pornography?

Perd, I think this
whole debate is ridiculous.

What Leslie and I
do is obviously art.

Hang on.
There is a big difference

between an oil painting of a Greek
myth and a pornographic movie.

- It's okay, Leslie. I got this one.
- What?

What Leslie and I want people to know
is you should be able to have sex

anywhere you want
and show it anywhere you want.

Whether it's girl-on-girl
action, bondage, or...

- Yep.
- ...what have you.

Okay. Hang on.
Pornography is very difficult to define.

In fact, it was Justice
Stewart who once said,

"I can't define pornography,
but I know it when I see it."

Brandi, how would
you define pornography?

For me, it's when
the penis goes in.

All right, we need to do
some basic organization.

Where do you put your
bills when they come?

I read the magazines
and give the rest to Andy.

Which I organize into a pile or
stack that I put into the freezer.

Why?

So they won't get lost.

Bingo.

Okay, you have to pay these.

Good thing I didn't lose them.

Okay. New lesson.
Basic finance.

I'm gonna teach you
how to balance a checkbook.

Okay. I am going to teach you
how to open a bank account.

Bank account. Good.

Brandi, I'm Thomas Haverford.

I just wanted to
say I thought you made

some excellent points up there.

I totally agree with
you that people should

be allowed to have
sex in public places.

You look familiar to me.

Maybe you've seen me
down at the Snakehole Lounge.

I'm a part-owner there.

That's you. In the painting.

You're the fat baby.

Aw!

That's so cute.

Oh. You're into that?

No.

Damn it, Jerry.

Imagine my horror.

I'm hanging upside down with
my gravity boots watching Perd.

I see you with your painting,
and I am startled and disappointed.

Well, I did not know that
Brandi was going to offer me

a role in her next film.

I urge you not
to take that role.

I am not going
to take the role.

That's good to hear,

because recently,
you've been a little unpredictable.

I'm sorry that I'm trying to
defend a beautiful work of art.

Thank you, Leslie.

Stand down, Jerry.
This isn't your fight.

You've left me no choice.

I have convened a meeting
of the Public Arts Commission,

and we will abide
by their decision.

Fine with me.

Public Arts Commission.
Filled with hippies

who love art and
sometimes weed.

Jackpot.

I would just like
to introduce myself.

My name is Chris Traeger,

and I am a big fan of art.

Council, I
am not opposed to pornography.

In fact, you could say
I'm definitely for it.

If I had my laptop with me
right now,

I would show you
a well-hidden folder

with gigabytes of proof.

However, this... thing...
is... disgusting...

And wrong.

Please let the record
reflect that the fat baby

is referring to the painting.

Hey! I am not a fat baby.
I'm a small, slender man--

similar to actor Taye Diggs.

So let the record
reflect that--

that I look like Taye Diggs.

Members
of the Public Art Commission,

good afternoon, and good art.

Every great society
has always supported

artistic expression.

- The Romans...
- Perverts.

- The Greeks...
- Gay perverts.

To great societies in Europe.

Europeans.

There are some members
of this Community

that would like to demonize
this painting.

And when they do,

they in fact demonize
art itself.

What is or isn't art is up to
every free-thinking American

to decide on their own.

Uh, yeah, it's in the bag.

We've decided that the painting

should be destroyed.

- Yeah! Burn it!
- Whoo!

What?
Are you serious?

You're supposed to be in favor
of public art.

Yeah, well,
there are nipples in it,

so it just seems like we ought
to be safe and destroy it.

Okay. Here is a list
of errands

and things
that human adults need.

Also, I'm giving you an advance

on next month's rent.

And I want you guys
to go to Bed Bath & Beyond

and buy everything
on that list.

Or we could buy a Wii.

You can handle this.

I don't know, man.

Why don't you just do it?

No, I can't.
I-- I... Have a date.

Ooh, what's his name?

It's actually not--

uh, Chris set it up.
Never mind.

The point is, stick to the
list, and you'll do great.

I have total faith in you.

There's, like, a 30% chance
they'll both die.

So how do you want to do this?

Burn it publicly
or burn it privately,

and I put the footage
on my blog or...?

You've made your point, okay?

Look, this painting
is very important to me.

It doesn't need to hang
in a government building.

Just let me take it home,
and I'll keep it there.

What do you say?

I say this painting
is going to burn--

first here, then in hell.

Do I need
to get this validated?

- I don't-- I don't know.
- No?

Okay, then, great.

I'm just gonna pull my car around,
and you can load it in the back.

No.

- Hey! Come back here!
- Make me, stag! I am Dyaphena!

This place is amazing.

Oh, my God, they have a
thing that makes sherbet.

We need five of those!

No, we need to stick
with what's on the list.

First things first, oven mitts.

Where are the oven mitts?

Oh, my God. They have
all the As-Seen-On-TV stuff!

- Nuh-uh.
- Shake weight, Iron Gym...

Miracle Hand Repair,
Big Top cookie,

- Pillow Pet, Slap Chop.
- Honey.

- Oh, my God.
- Honey, honey, listen to me.

Get it all.

Grab everything
that we've seen it on TV

and put it in this cart
right now.

Iron gym--
I am gonna get so buff.

Oh, my God.
Marshmallow shooter.

Marshmallow shooter!
Get two.

Wait, what
about the Magic Bullet?

Yeah. I've seen that.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

I was at a meeting
around the corner,

and some people wanted
to destroy this painting,

so I brought it here.

Where's Andy and April?

They're out shopping.

- What are you doing here?
- I moved into the spare room.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Huh.

Can I come in?
Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Of course.

Why do they want to destroy it?

Well, it's a painting of me
as a centaur.

- Okay.
- And it's a nude.

Oh.

Just basically, like,
the "chestal" region.

- Uh-huh.
- Mostly.

You don't have to look at it
if you don't want to.

- No, no, no.
- It's very classy.

Yeah, no, I'm sure it is.

Oh, man. It's Chris.
Got to take this.

- Okay.
- Hi, Chris.

Leslie Knope, you need
to bring that painting back.

What painting?

Leslie, you have the painting,

and you need to bring it
back in.

I think I've been
pretty fair with you.

And I'm starting to feel angry.

And I don't like feeling angry.

My heart is racing.

It's going
literally 45 beats a minute.

I'm sorry. If I could just explain
to you my point of view--

You will bring that painting
in tomorrow morning

and surrender it
to Marcia Langman.

And that's that.
Do you understand me, madam?

Yes.

- Hehe
- Manipedi--

What are we doing?

We didn't get a single thing
that Ben told us to.

Sure we did.
We got the Marshmallow shooter.

That's-- I don't think
that's on the list.

- But I want it.
- I want it too.

But I also kind of want
my own fork...

Just 'cause you eat
really slow,

which is cute,
but also super annoying.

- Fine.
- What? What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just adults
are boring, and I hate them.

And I don't want to buy
all this stupid, boring,

adult stuff
and become boring adults.

Hey, listen to me.

Yes, we're gonna get
a dish rack,

and shower curtains,
and a cutting board.

But if you think for one second

I'm not also gonna get
that marshmallow shooter

so that I can shoot you
in the face with marshmallows

when you're asleep, then

you're the dumbest woman I know.

You're gonna make me cry.

You're a levelheaded person.
What do I do here?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, it is one of the
basic rules of government

that you shouldn't offend
people.

Yeah.
I guess you're right.

I just-- I'm so annoyed
by all these rules lately.

We're back here.

- Me too.
- Ha ha.

Hey, Leslie.
What are you doing here?

Hey. Um, well,
I, um, I stole a painting.

And, um, I was hoping you guys
would help me hide it.

I like it.
It's very simple.

No, it's on the other side.

Oh, my God.
Is that you as a naked horse?

Does it look like me?
I don't even--

Leslie, I mean, not to be
inappropriate or anything,

'cause you're my boss
and my friend,

but I would totally hit that.

- So would I.
- You guys are sweet.

Okay. I should go
and hit the road with this.

- And, um...
- Okay.

- I'll see you later.
- Bye.

Bye, Leslie.

So how'd we do?

I don't know.
Does this answer your question?

No.
Did you buy plates?

Oh, plates.

Leslie, what are you doing?

Say good-bye to Dyaphena.

I have to turn her over
to stupid Marcia Langman.

- Really? Oh.
- What?

I mean, to be honest,

that seems like the kind
of thing I would do.

And I didn't think
you would give in.

Come with me.

- Hey, man.
- Roomie!

Dude, it's super fun
to eat cereal

from a bowl with a spoon.

- Thank you for that.
- No problem.

Though, you know, you're not supposed
to bring your dishes into work, right?

Ha ha.
Good one.

I'm serious.

What's going on
between you and Leslie?

I noticed a weird vibe
when we came in the room.

Nothing.
I mean, we're friends--

just regular friendship...
develop-- development.

Come on, roomie,
you can tell me.

I know there's something.

I bet you I can guess
what it is.

She stole money from you.

What?
No, no, Andy,

she did not.

I think we like each other.

But Chris has
this very strict rule--

co-workers can't date.

So, you know,
it's not even an option.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Well, first of all, Leslie--
she's, like, the coolest ever.

You've chosen well.

And secondly, hey, man,
if it's gonna happen...

It's gonna happen.

Look at me and April.

If you're anything like us,

three weeks from now,
you'll be married, my friend.

I'm glad you finally came
to your senses.

I know that's not an easy
journey for you to make.

Let's take a look at
it first, shall we?

Whoa! It looks amazing!

I had the artist paint
over the Original.

- Feel free to destroy it.
- No!

But I think you'll find

no one could possibly
be offended,

unless, of course,
they have a problem with

centaurs having
modern haircuts.

There were many kinds
of Greek goddesses.

Some were lovers.
Some were warriors.

And some were tricksters.

I am so glad
that this got resolved,

because I hate being angry.

- Hmm.
- Ben!

- Yeah? Okay.
- Come in here.

How did your date
with Cindy go?

Uh, you know,
she wasn't really my type.

She's a tall brunette.
You always like tall brunettes.

Well, not exclusively.

Historically, yes, exclusively.

He said he didn't like her,
so it's over.

Okay, well,
I'm gonna keep trying,

- because you are incredible.
- Thank you.

And you deserve someone amazing

and smart and beautiful.

- Thank you.
- A real goddess.

- Exactly.
- Mm.

Hey! What about Shelly,
from the health-food store?

I don't know who that is.

Her brother died
climbing Everest?

- Great. Interesting, right?
- No.

Nice job, Jerry.

You look like Enrique Iglesias.

- Just wish I had more time.
- Why?

This is amazing.

It looks like me,
and I look awesome.

Is your penis
between the front arms

or the back legs?

- Yeah, where's your penis?
- Damn it, Jerry!

Gail... I know Jerry
is your husband.

Look, I can promise you
there's absolutely nothing

going on between us.

No, no, I did not pose
for that painting.

But thank you
for thinking I did.

Okay, well... sure.
Hold on.

Gail, sweetheart, you have
nothing to worry about.

Okay?

I'm not gay, neither is Jerry,

and I didn't pose for him.

I promise you, hon,
Jerry only has eyes for you.

And poundcake...
Am I right?