All language subtitles for laid.us.s01e01.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

Next.

- Hi. How can I help you?
- Hi, Caleb.

I'm so glad I found you.

I'm Ruby.

A few years ago, we met in a bar

next to a bowling alley.

I was eating linguine with clams

and wearing just
a ton of makeup.

- I can't really hear you.
- OK.

We had some white
Russians, played pool.

I, uh, cried.

We were still playing
with my Zoloft dosage.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm... I'm having some trouble.

You're speaking quietly.

And also, there's
this partition.

We had a few more drinks,

and then we had sex
in the bathroom.

One of the smaller stalls.

The bigger, differently
abled one was out of order.

Just do it.

Give it to him.

I am.

Right.

So I was worried this was
going to be a lot to explain,

so I actually wrote you a note.

Though what you read
is gonna upset you.

Mm-hmm.

You're gonna have
a lot of questions,

and some of the answers
will be in there,

but most will not, and
I am sorry for that.

I am still trying to figure out

what the fuck is
happening myself.

Ma'am?

Everything all right here?

"Ma'am"? I'm 33.

She just slipped me this, Hal.

Wait, do you think this
is, like, a stickup?

Wait, no, that's what a
five-year-old calls it.

- I don't understand.
- This has no demands.

- What is this?
- Yeah, what is this?

I just need to
reactivate my PIN.

- OK, you know what?
- Forget the note.

I'll just tell you.

This isn't a robbery,

but you are going to die.

Whoa.

What are you talking about?

I don't know where.

I don't know when.

Some have been gentle deaths.

Others have been gnarly.

I'm so sorry, Caleb,

but you're dying.

What am I dying from?

Me.

I just can't hear you...

I am so sorry. Me?

♪ This bed is on fire
with passionate love ♪

♪ The neighbors complain
about the noises above ♪

♪ But she only comes
when she's on top ♪

♪ My therapist said not
to see you no more ♪

♪ She said you're like a
disease without any cure ♪

♪ She said I'm so obsessed
that I'm becoming a bore ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Ah, you think
you're so pretty ♪

So it's our first date, right?

- Right.
- And as soon as he sits down,

he does that thing
of, "Oh, sorry.

I've just been a
little off lately."

Um, I don't know you.

We just met, dude. I
don't know your baseline.

- Right.
- Like, he's a stranger.

He's a total stranger.

And I'm like, OK,
it's a little early

to be doing this coy
dance, but whatever.

I'll play.

So I'm like,

"Oh, is something
going on with you?"

And he proceeds to
dangle little hints.

Family issue, recent
news, dark secret.

Believe me when I tell you,
this went on for all of salad.

Who has the time?

Imagine having the
confidence to play games

when you're 5'8".

Love a short king.

Just a little
awareness, you know?

So I'm just like, OK, I'll guess

what's destroying your family.

Someone's sick.
Someone's divorcing.

- Alcoholism.
- Ooh, that's a good one.

Yeah, I did that one.

I guess everything imaginable.

Guess what word finally comes
out of this man's mouth.

Cannibal.

What?

He recently found out he has
a cannibal in his family.

And I know cannibalism

is sort of having
a moment right now.

Like, I finally watched
"Dahmer," you know?

- It was fine.
- Oh, so good.

- Well, he was so good.
- Oh, yes, he's a star.

I'll never learn his name.

But it's still an intense word

to hear at a dinner table.

And this dude is making me guess

mundane family secrets
while the whole time,

he is sitting on the word...

Cannibal.

- Dick.
- Sir, you are a dick.

Anyway, dating
apps are the worst.

The absolute torture
we go through

just to get to know a person.

Ugh, that's why I
AirDropped you my number

in line at Baja Fresh.

I am done relying on the
internet to find love.

Not that that's what...

- I mean, I like you.
- This is only our third date.

Don't worry. I get it.

I just wish people could be
more honest with each other.

Like, I'm looking
to date someone

for the next couple years.

Get married, have kids.

I dislike most things,

but I do like food
and television.

And I promise if I ever find out

I have a family member
who eats people,

I'll tell you without
dancing around it.

Same.

Want to get out of here?

Like I said to that
guy when he showed me

a picture of his uncle cannibal
at Thanksgiving dinner,

I have never wanted to leave

harder.

Wow.

Yeah. Wow.

That was...

- Awful?
- Fucking terrible!

Oh!

So glad you felt that way.

Thrilled you hated it too.

You know what the
worst part was?

How I kept trying to make
eye contact with you,

and you were like, "Nope.

Don't know you."

It's like seeing a
coworker at a Sweetgreen.

Yeah, no, that was bad.

But I was gonna say
the irregular rhythm.

- Mm.
- The...

It's like waiting at a printer.

- So bad.
- So bad.

Also, when I put on music,

what was up with all those
commercials for "Elsbeth"?

Oh, you need to get
Spotify without ads.

It's only, like, 10 bucks more.

I switched over and I'm happy.

I'm happy I made the choice.

Anyway, we shan't
be doing that again.

We sha-not.

Where's my...

Wait, are you serious?

You don't want to try again?

We'd probably get
better with practice.

- It's just...
- there isn't that...

thing, you know?

It's like, when
you know, you know.

Well, it's also when you
don't know, you know.

You know?

No!

We were so excited
for Third Date Jason!

Now Bad Sex Spotify
Ads Jason, I'm afraid.

Yes, it was the
absolute worst sex,

like a brother and
a sister fucking.

Jesus, I just woke up.

But seriously, that
thing just wasn't there.

And I don't have time to
waste on another wrong person.

Here I am after 20 years
of dating, 33 years old,

on the phone with a
Lyft driver at 2:00 AM,

trying to figure
out if I'm standing

on the northeast corner.

Might be time to look inward.

Um, what?

You know I've always
admired you, Ruby.

Ever since AJ and
I started dating,

I've seen you
putting in the work,

night after night out there

dating, dancing,
drinking, swiping, wiping.

Is it possible that
you still being alone

is the fault of
thousands of guys

and a fair share of girls

and, uh, you're not
at all to blame?

I mean, possible, yeah.

Likely, no.

Sorry.

Aren't you at your
"job" right now?

I said it like that because
I don't think it's a job.

Livestreaming's the best job.

Rubes, ignore him.

This is a man who's
planning to wear shorts

and a bolo tie to a wedding.

Uh, the shorts are sateen.

OK, you know what?

You didn't even know that was
a fabric until two days ago.

Fine. Sure.

I have things I can work on.

I can hear that.

I can receive that.

It's not like I'm not ever
going to find someone, right?

- Of course you will.
- I really don't think so.

Zackary Bridgerton!

Oh, that can't be his full name.

Don't take this the
wrong way, Rubes,

but your choosiness suggests
a much prettier woman.

- What the fuck?
- OK...

- Seriously?
- OK, I'm sorry.

Look, he is absolutely wrong.

You are stunning,
and you are sweet,

and you just haven't found
the right person yet.

- Thank you.
- I appreciate that.

And I hope you know, I
truly mean it when I say

you also have not met
the right person yet.

I also have ears that work.

Oh, shit. Reload!
Reload! Reload!

- Yep. Yep.
- For sure.

I will try to come in
person next week, Debra.

Yeah, I've just been
swamped with work, you know?

I've got this party to plan
and that party to plan.

It's like, ugh,
kill me!

But not really.

I know you've asked me
to stop making that joke.

I just want to make sure

that you're not having
our sessions remotely

to avoid, like,
really doing the work.

I promise I'm not.

Until you actually deal

with the baggage from your past,

you'll keep running
into the same obstacles

in your romantic pursuits.

Totally.

I think the connection
you've drawn

between past and
present is, like, wow.

People overuse this word,
but you are an actual genius.

You and Martin
Short. That's it.

Thank you.

You deserve it.

Have a great rest of your day.

I'll see you next week, OK?

Go do something fun.

- Bye, Ruby.
- Bye.

♪ Bad bitches who be ragin' ♪

♪ Rage ♪

♪ Ragin', ragin' ♪

Hi, are you Ruby?

Hi.

Yes.

Ruby.

How'd you know?

We have an appointment.

You told me to meet
you here today.

Yes. Hi.

You must be Isaac.

Throwing your parents' 40th
anniversary party, right?

Yes, that's right. Hi.

Hi.

So nice to meet you in person.

Don't you just love
that we're back

to meeting people in person?

So happy I never have to say
"Nice to e-meet you" again.

I can't stand an e-meet.

Wow. Neither can I.

I'm so excited to help you
plan this very special day.

Before I show you
around the space,

why don't you tell me a bit
about your parents' story

so I get a better sense
of what type of party

you want to throw?

And I'll take some notes.

- All right.
- Well, let's see.

Um, they met at college.

It was at Cornell.

- Tufts.
- Hmm?

Go on.

OK.

Um, they're in love still,
even 40 years later.

They got married pretty
young in their mid-20s.

My dad worked for Boeing.
My mom ran an art gallery.

They had three kids, me,
my brother, and my sister.

The other day, I asked
my mom how it felt

being with someone for
basically her whole adult life.

She said it felt
long.

And great sometimes, of course,

but it's not gonna always
be great for 40 years.

She said sometimes it
was just "good OK."

So I don't know, maybe
that's the real goal,

being good OK.

Are... are you all right?

Yeah.

I'm fine.

It's just, that's my story.

That's the story I want.

You know, even while
you were talking,

I was doing the math
in my head like,

if I got married
tomorrow, I would be 73

on my 40th anniversary,
which is still doable,

but I'm not gonna get
married tomorrow, right?

So really, 74 would
be the earliest

I could have a 40th anniversary.

And I don't know,
I just don't want

to go to a party when I'm 74.

Get all dressed up.

So soon, it's gonna be too late
to get to have been married

for 40 years unless
I fucking move!

Sorry.

I do not know why I
told you all that.

No, no, I... I get it.

That's... that's the
story I want too.

Uh, just one second.

- Brandon Rafferty.
- Brandon Rafferty.

Remember we thought he looked
like tall Bilbo Baggins

that one time?

Yes!

- We were quite high.
- Yeah.

I dated him for, like, a second.

- Uh-huh.
- I think we had sex twice.

Ooh, remember, he was the one
who, every time he thrusted,

- I heard a little fart sound?
- Uh-huh.

I thought it was the
bed, but it was him.

Like, each and every
thrust, a fart.

But yeah.

- Terrible he's dead.
- Yeah.

Oh!

His last Instagram
is a photo of a dog.

Aww!

- We should rewatch "Clifford."
- Yes.

Yeah.

Brandon Rafferty.

Looks like the
funeral is Saturday.

- Thank you.
- How'd he die?

Can't find any info.

You know how people are always
stingy with those details.

"Can't believe this happened."

Um, what happened?

"We lost a bright light."

T'whom what did we lose him?

I'm sure it was some
rare, weird, sad disease.

But until I hear, I'm fully
gonna assume he was shot.

I mean, yeah, I hadn't seen
Brandon in almost 15 years,

and we only slept
together three times...

- I thought two times.
- I remembered a time.

- Oh.
- But still, it's sad.

My ex-boyfriend died.

How am I?

Well, my ex-boyfriend died.

You know what?

I'm gonna go.

I am gonna go to
Brandon's funeral.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

- You barely knew the guy.
- Yeah, exactly.

And why?

Because I didn't
give him a chance.

He was a really good person.

You used to call
him Farty Scorsese.

OK, well, you are
making my case for me.

Maybe I've been too tough on
the people I've been with.

Maybe instead of that thing,

I should have been
looking for more good OK.

That sounds like
something you heard

when I wasn't with you.

New client who's throwing his
parents' anniversary party.

I know my girl.

You think you were
too harsh on Brandon,

so you're going to his funeral
to somehow make amends.

Yes.

I mean, what I've been doing
obviously hasn't been working.

This could be a new start,

the beginning of
me making a change.

A funeral is your new start.

I am burying the
old, judgmental me.

As well as a literal man.

And also a man I
used to know, yes.

OK.

OK, here we go.

Love your tights, honestly.

Do you think they're
too sexy, though?

I think they're perfectly sexy.

- Just the right amount? OK.
- Not too much. Just enough.

Do you think gray
is funeral enough?

Yeah, I think it's
got somber vibes.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Somber.
- It's like black-adjacent.

Next to black. Yeah.

Whoa.

Ugh.

Brandon.

I've gotta
find out how he died.

Someone here knows.

That guy.

He's sitting on the whole story.

Wait.

I am in all these pictures.

I'm basically in all of
these dead man's pictures.

You sure are.

Look, those are
all of him and me.

But that one?

That one is just me.

I had no idea I was
so important to him.

I don't even remember
when that photo was taken.

Oh, wait, no. Yes, I do.

I was excited because
I'd just met Horatio Sanz

in line at Walgreens.

I remember when that happened.

Yeah.

So sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Do you know if gun
violence played a role

in this tragedy today?

- Excuse me?
- Ruby.

We're so glad you could make it.

Brandon would be so comforted
knowing you're here.

- Parents.
- Well, of course.

I'm not missing this thing.

Actually, I had
something else today.

Something important.

But I was like, no.

I'm doing this.

Doesn't even matter what it was.

OK, I was going to
speak to some senators

about a bill I'm
passionate about,

but I decided not to go.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Mr. and Mrs. Rafferty, hi.

I'm so sorry.

I also went to
college with Brandon.

Oh. OK.

My name's AJ.

We had three classes together,

and we were also
in a study group.

AJ, huh?

I think he knew a few
of those back in school.

Oh, no. Just... just me.

There weren't other AJs.

- Oh.
- Me.

They're
upset. It's OK.

Yeah.

Danielle, Ruby did
come after all.

Whoa.

Ruby, this is Danielle,
Brandon's girlfriend.

Hi, Danielle.

We have the same hair.

I am so sorry for your loss.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Danielle, let's go sit.

Ruby, come when you're ready.

We saved you a
seat in the front.

Oh, wow.

Thank you. I will.

So sweet of them.

- They didn't have to do that.
- Yeah, totally.

I'll just fuck off in the
back, but yes, that was sweet.

Hey, Brandon.

It's me, Ruby.

I'm sorry that whatever
happened to you

happened,

and I'm sorry

I wasn't kinder to you.

My therapist has
actually been telling me

I should look at my
past more, so yeah,

this all sort of
happened at a good time.

Um...

I met Danielle.

She seems cool...

ish.

I'm not seeing anyone right now.

I mean, look, it's not
that I don't want to be.

It's just...

yeah, I don't know.

Just kind of in a weird place.

It has been tough
out there dating.

And I'm wondering, am I looking
for something that even exists,

or is it just an idea?

Like, you know, am I too
quick to give up, or...

Ruby.

Hey.

Jeffrey?

Oh, my God!

Hi!

Oh, my God. It
has been forever.

What are you doing here?

Um...

- Oh.
- Right.

Right, right, right.

Right, you guys were...
you guys were close.

Right.

So what have you been up to?

Oh, my God.

Do you know what memory
just blast into my brain?

A bunch of us were
in my dorm room.

We had just done shrooms.

We ate them with,
like, Skittles.

And then you were just
like, "Braid my hair."

And I was like, "I'll
fucking braid your hair."

Ruby, um, if it's OK,

I just kind of want to
have a moment with Brandon.

- Totally. Totally.
- Thanks.

- Of course.
- Yeah.

- Just have a moment.
- Yeah. Take your time.

Sorry.

Amen.

I finally made it to Nepal.

It was nice.

Ruby! Rubes!

Do you remember Carrie Friedman?

She lived in Barrows with us.

- We were, like, friends.
- Yeah.

I just ran into her
in the bathroom,

and she goes like this.

Nothing.

No idea who I was.

So I go up to her
and I say, "Hi."

And she's all confused and goes,

"Did you look
different in college?"

Can you even?

I was like, no.

I look exactly the same.

Excuse me.

Ruby, we're headed to the wake,

and we'd love for
you to drive with us.

Oh.

- Wow.
- Yes, you must.

If only Brandon could
see you driving with us

in the family car to his wake,

he'd get that big
dopey grin of his.

- I don't know.
- I'm not sure. I...

No, you go ahead.

I'll get a ride with
Carrie Friedman.

Shotgun.

Unless that's the worst
word to use today.

What's his name?

Her name is Ruby.

Her name tag says Hot Sauce.

She was Brandon's dog.

She's cute.

No, she thinks she
is, but she isn't.

Maybe some tunes?

Oh, uh, sure.

♪ The Mississippi
Delta was shining ♪

♪ Like a National guitar ♪

♪ I am following the river ♪

♪ Down the highway ♪

♪ Through the cradle
of the Civil War ♪

♪ I'm going to
Graceland, Graceland ♪

♪ Memphis, Tennessee ♪

♪ I'm going to Graceland ♪

♪ Poor boys ♪

♪ And pilgrims with families ♪

♪ And we are going
to Graceland ♪

♪ My traveling companion
is nine years old ♪

♪ He's the child of
my first marriage ♪

♪ But I've reason to believe ♪

♪ We both will be
received in Graceland ♪

♪ She comes back to
tell me she's gone ♪

♪ As if
I didn't know that ♪

♪ As if I didn't
know my own bed ♪

♪ As if I never noticed ♪

♪ The way she brushed her
hair from her forehead ♪

♪ And she said, losing love ♪

♪ Is like a window
in your heart ♪

♪ Everybody sees
you're blown apart ♪

♪ Everybody sees
the wind blows ♪

♪ I'm going to Grace... ♪

Could I actually make a...

egg sandwich out of this?

You have a lot of nerve.

Danielle.

Who do you think you
are, showing up here

after how horribly
you treated Brandon?

What are you talking about?

You took his virginity,
and then you dumped him.

He was devastated. He
never got over that.

Brandon was a virgin?

I had no idea.

Please.

I don't really remember.

At all?

No recollection?

OK, I went home to
Michigan with you

for winter break freshman year.

I ate cheese tarts with your
parents and, like, a sad aunt.

Did you look
different back then?

No, Hannah, I looked like this.

Picture this trying to
watch "Despicable Me"

while your parents
get fully divorced.

- I'm sorry.
- I've got to go.

- Hey, Hannah.
- Hey, Ruby.

Brandon was a virgin.

- I was his first.
- Oh, my God.

That explains why you
were so important to him.

I wasn't just important.

I was the most important,
and I made fun of him.

Ugh! I'm awful!

Hey, come on!

You didn't know.

And it's not like he ever knew.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey.

How you holding up?

It's been tough.

The toughest.

- Hey, Jeffrey.
- It's me, AJ.

We went to college
together, and I looked

exactly like this when we did.

I remember.

Hey, AJ.

Hey... hi.

Did you have to end up
leaving school early

because of the whole
Pell Grant scandal thing?

Brandon would have hated this,

all the attention.

Totally.

You remember how
red he used to get

when he would get embarrassed?

Oh, he'd get so red!

He looked like a
frustrated baby.

Like, baby, don't cry.

Baby, don't cry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think I've had as much
as I can take for today.

I'm gonna get out of here.

I think I am too.

You want to share an Uber?

Yeah, that sounds great.

I'll just...

Do you want to pack this up?

I think I can just leave it.

Actually, maybe if
there's a few napkins.

No, no, no, no, no. I
remember it perfectly.

It was your idea to steal
a bunch of cafeteria trays

and use them to go sledding.

- Yep, this tracks.
- Go on.

So Brandon and I decide
we're gonna share a tray.

You know, like two idiots.

I sit on his lap.

We go down the hill.

He loses his grip.

He had the worst grip!

We crash into a tree.

My nose slams into the
side of Brandon's head.

I still have the
dent. Feel this.

It's like a tiny
little half pipe.

Whoo!

Do you remember what
happened later that night?

What?

You and me?

Yeah, I remember.

There is very little I
remember about college,

but I do remember that.

Hmm.

Hmm.

- What?
- Oh, God, what...

- What are you doing?
- Sorry.

- I thought we were having...
- Unbelievable.

- You haven't changed at all.
- What are you talking about?

You slept with me, and
it broke Brandon's heart.

Brandon and I were
already broken up

when you and I hooked up.

Yeah, but he was
still devastated,

and it really fucked up
our friendship, dude,

even though I told him

that I've never
regretted anything more.

- OK. All right.
- And it was you

who seduced me, by the way.

OK!

I guess I was the one
who brought the shard

left of a baby
blanket to college

and made me feel how soft it was

to use as foreplay.

Do not talk about
my baby blanket.

You know what? I'm
not doing this.

You already ruined
Brandon's life.

I'm not gonna let you
ruin today for him too.

Pull over.

Wait.

Jeffrey, you're seriously
getting out of...

Yeah, I'm seriously
getting out of the car.

- Unreal. Fine.
- Get out. Go!

Brandon didn't deserve you,
and that is not a compliment.

Oh, nice. Real
mature, asshole!

I... I don't...

Shh, shh, shh.

It's OK.

Maybe don't talk for a while?

This is a lot.

Ugh! No.

It's the worst time for
the Clog Dropper to strike.

Maybe find a better
moment for your daily drop

of a single clog!

I just can't believe
I watched someone die.

He only got out of the car
because we got in an argument.

I can't imagine.

It's gonna take time to
process it all, you know?

Yeah.

I do have questions,
but they can wait.

Like when you say
the body explode...

it can wait. It can wait.

It's just so tragic.

Also, and I recognize
this as a sharp pivot

to my own situation...

No, I love a sharp piv.

But two dead exes.

Two of them.

That is fucked.

Two of my ex-boyfriends died.

How am I?

Well, two of my
exes are dead, so...

Look, it is a coincidence.

That's all. It is a
horrible coincidence.

- Yeah.
- I'm also really unsure

if this is the
right time or not,

but what's with the dog?

Oh.

Ruby Hot Sauce?

I had to go back for her
since Danielle is the worst.

Brandon's parents
loved the idea.

Said it's what he probably
would have wanted.

And you're gonna
take care of her?

We're gonna take
care of each other.

And yeah, I'm hoping
you'll help out a lot.

- Yeah. OK.
- You know what?

We're doing the
good stuff tonight,

the 1983 port.

I know we were saving
it for when one of us

gets engaged or finally
gets invited on a yacht,

but you saw a man die today,
so it's going in our bodies.

♪ Know what it feels
like to feel alive ♪

This one.

This is the song that plays
when I drive over a bridge

in a convertible.

Mm, that's a good one.

Right there.

This is when I let my scarf go.

This is the song that
plays when I quit.

I clear all the drinks off
the bar with my forearm,

and then this kicks in.

It's this...

- ♪ And you can't come ♪
- And then it's this.

♪ Uh-uh, I'm through ♪

Ugh.

I can't believe both Brandon
and Jeffrey are gone.

Yeah, you've had
a couple of days.

I hadn't thought of either
of those guys in so long.

And if Brandon hadn't
died, I wouldn't have known

how much I meant to
either of them...

Ooh!

This one is a song that plays

when I discover new information.

- Mm-hmm.
- Something big has just

been dropped on me.

My husband has been cheating.

My twin daughters
have a special power

I didn't know about.

I love that.

- Ugh!
- I was Brandon's first.

I held a special
place in his heart

until the day he died,

and I just tossed
him aside like trash.

I have been too tough
on the people I've been with.

Can you imagine
still being a virgin?

The worst!

Remember David?

You guys were so cute.

- He was real sweet.
- Aww, yeah.

I can't even remember
why I dumped him.

The first guy I ever slept with.

God, I haven't talked
to him in forever.

You know, I think I still have
an old landline number for him.

Yeah, is this a good idea?

David?
It's me, Cher!

Just thought I'd turn back
time and see how you're doing.

Give me a call.

The fuck are you doing?

- Oh, he'll know it's me.
- It's this bit we used to do.

He loved this.

David,
it's me, Sean Connery.

I think you should stop.

Call me back, you
little leprechaun!

OK, no, no, no.

Now I'm literally
just begging you.

David, it's me,

the Cookie Monster!

Do you like cookies?

I like cookies!

Call me!

- Hello?
- Oh, David!

Hi!

Oh.

OK.

All right, I'm...

OK, bye.

He didn't remember the bit.

That wasn't David.

It was his brother.

David's dead.

What?

If two is a coincidence,
what's three?

A pattern.

Ooh, string cheese.

Is that a dog?

♪ Toe to toe ♪

♪ Dancing very close ♪

♪ Barely breathing ♪

♪ Almost comatose ♪

♪ Wall to wall ♪

♪ People hypnotized ♪

♪ And they're
stepping lightly ♪

♪ Hang each night in ♪

♪ Rapture ♪

♪ Back to back ♪

I think that's a good idea.