All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S32E02.Its.a.Wonderful.Knife.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

[Static]

♪

-Welcome back to "Joe Bob's
Christmas Carnage,"

our annual Yule special.

And I'm here with Darcy
the Mail Girl...

-Yay.
-...who is grooving on the fact

that it's Friday the 13th.
-Yeah.

-So we get to celebrate
the nation's

favorite holiday on Jason's
favorite day.

And so we found
some indie filmmakers

who decided to turn
"It's a Wonderful Life"

into a slasher called
"It's a Wonderful Knife."

-Brilliant.
-And since they were so

shameless about basing a horror
movie on a pun, we thought,

hey, they might be just as goofy
as we are.

And so we decided to travel
down that road with them

and see if they can pay it off.

And what do you think, Darcy?

Did they pay it off?

-It is cute.
-Is that good or bad?

-It's cute.

I -- I love holiday-themed
horror. You know that.

-Okay, well, we'll get to
the movie in just a minute.

But first,
it's time for the Joe Bob Briggs

annual Christmas message.

And I promise, Darcy,
it will be short this year.

-Okay.
Under three hours.

-Yes. Under --
Under two hours.

-Wow, that's crazy.
-As you know,

I picked some aspect of
the nativity story every year

and I ran about it.

And this year, what
I want to focus on is not Mary,

not Joseph, not the baby Jesus,

not the shepherds, not
the wise men, not the donkey.

Although I have to say,
I get a lot of fan mail though

when I do talk about the donkey.

-Okay.
-Um, no.

This year I want to talk about
the people

who just showed up randomly
at that stable in Bethlehem,

who weren't wise men or
soothsayers or angels or family,

because we know
there were some random people

who showed up to support
the out of town couple

who had a new baby.

And by the way, I always --
I always have to say this.

I'm always using
this Christian story.

But if you're atheist
or Muslim or Jewish or Buddhist

or whatever you are,
I'm still including you.

There are some holidays
that transcend religion,

and one of those holidays
is Christmas.

Or at least it should do that.

So all those people
who showed up on the day

of the birth of Jesus,

and the few days afterwards
were people

who had one thing in common,
which is they were alone.

And lots of people in our family

here at the "Last Drive-In"
became alone

this year, our mutant family
as we call it.

Because this was a rough year
in many ways for many people.

And, um, 2024 in
the United States

is no different
than the year zero in Bethlehem.

There were just as many people
just as alone back then.

But notice I didn't say
these people were lonely.

The day before they found out
about the baby

they were lonely,

but then this miracle happened.

And when a miracle happens,
you have no choice

but to take your eyes off
yourself and your own problems

and focus on the miracle.

And so whatever they lost
that made them lonely --

Maybe they lost their money.

Maybe they lost their job.

Maybe they lost their house.

Maybe they even suffered through
the death of a close relative.

Whatever had happened to them,
they felt disconnected.

They felt adrift.

They felt that whole
nobody cares about anything.

They felt that what's
the point of life thing?

They started comparing

and comparing their own sad self
to others who were doing better.

And the idea
that you've made mistakes

that took you to a place
where you're boxed in,

you're imprisoned,

you're constantly thinking about
what could have been

instead of what is,

That's the lonely place

and that's the loneliest place
on earth.

You can be surrounded
by 100 people,

and you can still feel
the emptiness of that

if you're in that place.

And then some inner force,

some instinct told them go look
at that baby Jesus over there.

And without even knowing
his name or where he came from

or how he got there,

they went
and they looked at the vessel

that brought hope
into the world,

and maybe they even took
somebody

with them to the stable.

And maybe that person
with them didn't see anything.

They just saw, okay, there's
a newborn baby in a manger.

There's a newborn
with no special significance,

just some poor person's baby.

But the ones who saw hope
and new life and transcendence,

they felt some kind of power
and energy in their bones.

And it was the power of saying
get over yourself.

There are bigger things
happening.

There are cosmic things.
Your isolation does not matter.

And so snap, in an instant,

they didn't feel
the isolation anymore.

They weren't alone.

They were wrapped up
in the power that comes to you

when you realize you have
nothing to complain about.

Your entire focus shifted
to somebody else's

needs instead of your own,
and your life was restored.

So you got your energy back
and your strength

and your certainty
that you're in the right place,

no matter what is taken away
from you.

Now, I'm not saying

that these lonely people looked
at the baby Jesus and saw God,

or they saw anything
supernatural.

I'm just saying that
they took in the whole situation

in that stable, and they realize
their own needs were trivial,

and they stayed there

and they gave comfort where
they could and physical help

where they could and words
of support where they could.

And when they left,
they had peace in their hearts.

Now, maybe you're lonely
this year.

Don't be.
We're here.

You know, there are many things
you can do to feel better.

Even many things right here,
like our Christmas auction

where 100% of that money
goes to help others.

But the benefits
of the holidays won't hit you

until you give something away,
and it doesn't have to be money.

It can be something as simple
as give your attention away.

And if you think it's strange

that some goofy horror host
is talking about stuff like this

at Christmas, you know, Darcy,
you knew I was going to do.

-Of course.

-You know
that I do this every year.

If you are screaming
at the screen

to start the fucking movie,
you jerk,

which I would not blame you
for saying at this point,

just take a moment and think
about the person in your life

that you dislike the most,
the person who has rejected you,

the person who has ghosted you
or stolen from you,

or beat the crap out of you,

or just think for a minute
about the person

who may be made you feel
lonely in the first place,

the person you do not want to be
with at Christmas,

and go out of your way

and tell that person
Merry Christmas

and wish him health
and happiness

and invite them
into the spirit of the season,

which is joyful
and see what that does.

Not for them, for you.

Because that is what happened
to those people

standing around the edges
of the stable,

looking on -- on the day
the baby Jesus was born.

Okay, Darcy.
-Okay.

-I was quick, right?

And I know I embarrassed
you again...

-Relatively.
-...and I embarrassed the whole

production staff.
They were saying, "Wow,

we got through
that whole first movie

and he didn't do
the Christmas message."

You know, so I apologize.

And now we can go back to blood,
gore, murder,

mayhem and cheap horror
like God intended.

-Alright, let's do it.

-And now it's time for
the film that asks the question,

what if in the beloved Christmas
classic "It's a Wonderful Life,"

instead of George Bailey
wishing he'd never been born

because of losing money,

he makes the wish because
he electrocuted a serial killer.

And also, what if
instead of being a family man,

he was a teenage girl?

So that's what happens in
"It's a Wonderful Knife,"

where the greedy banker
who wants to buy up the town

is named Henry Waters,

only he also dresses up as
a sort of a Christmas tree angel

and starts stabbing people
to death.

And instead of George Bailey,

we have Winnie Carruthers,

a high school senior
who dreams of going to NYU

to study photography

and is irritated by the fuss her
family makes about Christmas.

But when she's attacked
by the angel on Christmas Eve,

she kills him.

Only she's traumatized
and not hailed as a hero.

Plus, her parents give
her brother a tricked out

truck for Christmas
and she gets a pink tracksuit.

So she wishes she'd
never been born,

and then discovers what
would happen if she hadn't been

due to a quirk in the aurora
borealis or something.

-Sure.
-Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it
with a bullied girl

everybody calls weirdo
in the Clarence the Angel role?

I think not.

Let's take a look at
those Drive-In totals.

We have 14 dead bodies,

throat slashing, candy cane
through the back of the skull,

jumper cable electrocution,
dagger to the eyeball,

axe to the back,
dagger to the stomach,

One fall down the stairs,
stake to the chest,

one murderous plan
to acquire real estate,

one serial killer dressed
as a Christmas tree angel,

sort of,
one college rejection,

one cheating boyfriend,

one alternate reality, bullying,
one magic wish-granting Aurora,

gratuitous Christmas parties,
ceremonial dagger fu.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for Justin Long

as the greedy banker
serial killer Henry Waters

for wearing novelty teeth
and for saying,

"You just made my naughty list."

Jess McLeod as the girl

everybody calls weirdo
for saying, "Look,

I want to believe you.
You're George Bailey."

And for Jane Widdop
as Winnie Carruthers

for being the angsty
teen version of George Bailey

and for saying, "No school,
no best friend,

no boyfriend, no one cares.

It's like I don't exist."

Two stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

-Oh, two stars.

-Should I give extra stars
at Christmas, Darcy?

I mean, it's Christmas.

Should I --
should I give extra stars?

-I feel
like you have to be honest,

but maybe in the spirit
of Christmas,

you can give an extra half
a star.

-Half a star?
Okay, two and a half stars.

-Yay.
-See, now that --

that last
half star is tainted, though,

because it might be
a charity star.

In fact,
we just said it was a charity.

-Yes,
but it's a Christmas gift,

so they're not required to
accept it if they don't want to.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-But two and a half real stars.

I'm revising my review.
Two and a half, done.

No charity.

-But now I feel like you
might just be lying to be nice

because of the holidays.

-Two and a fourth stars
for this movie.

-Now you're just being silly.

-Fair.
[Laughter]

-Welcome back
to the Yuki Yuletide Network

charity auction.

Next up, the shirt and medallion
worn by Joe Bob

while filming his ill-fated
1982 public access pilot,

"Joe Bob's Gruesome, Groovy,
Great Tuesday Movie,"

once worn by the man himself

at the finest gentlemen's
clubs in Texarkana.

You can impress your friends
with this masculine floral print

and glimmering macho medallion.

And don't forget
Princess Delilah.

-Does she have big boobs?

-This gorgeous horror icon
from Joe Bob's past

is ready to be your
cinematic sidekick.

Bid on both Delilah
and Joe Bob's groovy outfit now.

Go to
joebobschristmascarnage.com

All auction items
can be autographed by request.

♪

[Static]

♪

[Knife slashes]

♪

-Do you want the best?

From the best?

Look no further than
Waters Cove.

The future shopping, dining,
and entertainment destination

for a brand-new Angel Falls.

My Angel Falls. Hey, you!
[Chuckles]

And remember, there's only
one name that you can trust --

Waters Corp.

I'm the best,
so [bleep] the rest.

Tell 'em Henry sent ya.

♪

[Bells chiming]

-♪ I heard those bells

♪ On the sweetest
Christmas Day ♪

♪ That thing makes me feel ♪

♪ As good as they can play ♪

[Cheering]

[Camera shutter clicks]

-Merry Christmas!

-Whoo!

Oh, you get me!
You get me! Really!

It's so good to see all of you
on this blessed day.

A little cold.

All of your smiling,
beautiful faces,

they all keep me warm
all year 'round,

I'll tell you that.

[Applause]

But we're here for one thing.

I know you know what it is.

Should we do it?
-Yeah!

-Angel Falls, I give you...

Christmas!

[Cheers and applause]

-Looks like we'll make it
to our car this year

without Mr. Waters making Dad
do some work.

-Hey. David Carruthers,
is that you?

-Jinxed it.
-Look it!

All the Carruthers are here!

-Hey, great job
with the tree.

-Oh, thank you!

What did you think?
-Oh, God.

Is that Mr. Waters'
little brother Buck

taking selfies?

-He started
an OnlyFans last week.

-[Laughs]
-I swear.

-Did you see
the commercial, Judy?

My new one?
-No. Not yet.

-Oh, you got to
check it out.

It's playing regionally thanks
to David's marketing genius.

-Yeah, I directed
that bad boy.

-Oh, I remember, Buck.
-Ha, I know.

I kicked you
off the set.

-Yeah, okay, okay.

-That's what I remember.

-Hey, Buck.

You remember me?

Jimmy Carruthers.

You were my peewee
football coach.

-Yo, yo, yo, TikTok.
Um...

if you ever wanted
to see my dick,

Merry Christmas to you.

It's hard to fit it
under the tree.

-Please shoot me.

-David, we still got to get
Roger Evans.

He won't sign those papers.

Roger's house is the last thing
standing in the way.

-Standing in
the way of what?

-Well, this is exciting.

Phase Four for
the new Angel Falls.

It's gonna be your future
favorite shopping,

dining, and lifestyle
destination.

LA's got The Grove.
We're gonna have Waters Cove.

Can't believe you didn't
tell her about this!

-Didn't the town council
decide his house

is an historic landmark?

-Ma'am, they almost did.

See, I'm a little bit
more persuasive

than my father ever was.

He was so driven by sentiment.
[Chuckles]

Let's go, Dave.
We'll talk about it on the way.

-Dad, it's Christmas Eve.

-Just keep my meal warm.
I won't be long.

-You have a microwave?

You can heat up
the food afterwards.

It'll be fine.
-I love the microwave.

-Yeah, she cooks all the meals
in the microwave.

-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas!

Come on.

-It's okay, Mom.
This happens every Christmas.

You ought to be used
to it by now.

-Come on.
Let's go home.

-Henry Waters, Prince of
Angel Falls, strikes again.

-♪ Around the fire
on Christmas night ♪

-Here we go, Roger.
You got the pen?

All ready to go.
Let me just twist it.

Ready to go for you.

-Mr. Evans,
we know you're carrying

a lot of debt,
and you could use the money.

So, I think it's a really great
idea to sign.

-You're a good man,
David.

But my family's lived here
for generations.

My granddaughter
will own it next.

I'm not signing.

-[Chuckles]

-When your dad died
a few years ago, Henry,

he should have left
the business to David.

-But I'm his son.

-David was more of a son to him
than you ever were.

-Look, Roger.
I know you and your family,

you used to be
the gold standard around here.

Especially
at Christmas time.

You donated those trees,
year after year.

But that was in the past.

'Cause I'm here now.

So, I want you to take
a look around your town --

if you're able to walk
outside on your own.

And you will see that
I'm the person this town

needs to move us
on into the future.

-By kicking them from their
storefronts and their homes?

The people of this town
areits future, Henry.

They want to live.

To work and be happy.
And that's it.

Your father knew that.

Why do you want to take
that away from them?

Why do you want to turn them
into your drones?

-Roger, you don't know
anything about my father.

So why don't we leave him
out of this, yeah?

♪

It's your last chance.

Sign the papers.

♪

-No.

-You okay, Grandpa?

-Hi, Cara.

Just a little
Christmas business.

-[Chuckles]

-You off to the party?

-Yeah.
Unless you need me to stay?

-No, no, you go on.
Have fun.

-Love you, Grandpa.

Good to see you,
Mr. Carruthers.

-Great to see you, Cara.

We'll see you tomorrow night
for dinner?

Great.
Have fun at the party.

-Hey, Cara.

You be safe now.

♪

-For my gay son!

-Oh, a rainbow!
Ornament.

-Isn't it cute?

-[Laughs]
-Just like you.

-[Laughing]

You're gonna have to hang that
on every Christmas tree

for the rest
of her life.

[Door closes]

-Alright, alright.
Everyone cool your tits.

We're here.
-Where have you been, sis?

-Oh, Karen's parents.

We were just having another
lovely Christmas Eve dinner.

We explained we are, in fact,
married and not roommates.

-What can I say?

My parents aren't exactly
marching at Pride any time soon.

Winnie,
Cara's waiting outside.

-Oh. Coming, Jimmy?

-I have to do my hair.
-Hm.

Does this help?

-No.

-[Laughs]

Bye, Mom!
-Oh, okay.

Don't do anything
I wouldn't do!

-Oh, no!
Get fucked up!

-Gale!
-Judy!

-Oh, my...

-Whoo!

-♪ Gimme back the Christmas
that I know ♪

-Oh, hey!

-♪ I'll meet you there

[Laughing]

-No Eddie?
-Oh, he's meeting us there.

Robbie?
-Same.

-Hey, can you
drive home later?

I need to get drunk.

-Of course.
What happened?

Henry Waters.

That spray-tan prick wants
to own this whole town.

Apparently, my family home
is the last thing

standing in his way.

-Sleep over tonight.

Tell your grandpa to be over
for Christmas breakfast.

Carruthers-Evans
Christmas day special.

-Done and done.

[Sighs]
Fuck Henry Waters.

-Yeah, totally.

"F" that guy.

-Just say "fuck", Winnie--
-I can't! [Laughs]

[Camera shutter clicks]

Got it.
-Cute!

-♪ Christmas that I know ♪

[Pounding on door]

-Go away, Henry.
I told you no.

[Pounding on door]

♪

Henry, I told you --

[Dog barking in distance]

Ah!

♪

♪

[Electricity buzzing]

-Fuck, yeah! Christmas!

[Cheering]

♪

-Oh, Darla's here.

-♪ It's Christmas Eve
so get in the car ♪

♪ And travel back to
your hometown ♪

[Indistinct chatter]

-Win, take a photo!

Get my good side.
-So cute!

[Camera shutter clicks]

-[Laughs]
-Heck, yeah!

These are
yearbook-ready.

-Yeah, you finally
made editor.

One more brag for
your college applications.

-I'm surprised
you're here, Darla.

I thought you were
grounded tonight.

-Yep. Well, my mom and dad
went to visit my sister.

I have the house
to myself.

-House to yourself, huh?
You gonna have anyone over?

-Obviously.

It's like the after-party
after-party.

After this party.

-Hi.

-Ew, no.
Don't talk to Weirdo.

Weirdo looks so stalkerish
over there.

-Harsh, Darla.
-Hardly.

She knows that everyone
calls her that.

Right, Weirdo?

-Winnie, babe.

Tell your brother I keep saving
his ass over and over again.

Hey.
Football team never gets

the rest of the credit
when we make

the quarterback look good.

-Jimmy is the Carruthers family
golden child, Robbie.

-Ouch, Winnie.
-Just teasing.

-Good.
Besides, you've got New York

and a future to
look forward to.

-As for me,
after graduation,

I'll probably be coaching
JV football in the fall.

For now, there is a brooding,
mysterious, artistic type

that requires...

my attention.

Later, virgins.

-Speak for yourself.

Well, uh, I'm out.

Need more.

-I'll join you.

-Alright.

-Babe, want anything?

-No, I'm good.
Thanks, though.

-I'm gonna go see
what Eddie's up to.

-You go do that.

♪

♪ Jingle bells all the way ♪

♪

-♪ The girl of my dreams ♪

♪ I need you real soon now ♪

-Fuck.

You're a good kisser.

[Twig snaps]

-Someone's watching us.

Hey, let's, uh...

let's get
out of here, yeah?

♪

-The lights
are so pretty.

They should keep them up
all year.

-Here?

-This is perfect.

Kiss me.

Ew.
What did you eat?

[Gasps]

♪

[Screaming]

♪

[Screams]

♪

[Panting]

♪

[Gasps]

♪

[Music playing]

Help me!

Somebody please help me!

He's after me!

-[Screams]

-[Gasps]

-Winnie, come back!

-[Grunting]

-Come on.
We got to go.

-Okay.

-No! Cara, no! No!
No! No!

No, no, no.
No, you're...

you're not dead.
Please.

Please, wake up.

[Panting]

Please.

[Screams]

♪

[Grunts]

♪

♪

[Panting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

[Grunting]

♪

-Come on.

Get up.
Get up, come on!

Come on, come on.
Come on, come on.

[Gasps]

♪

♪

[Screams]

[Electricity crackles]

♪

[Gasps]

♪

-[Groans]

[Panting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

Mr. Waters?

♪

-Angel Falls is renewed.
-And full of life!

-Our community is stronger
than ever.

Hey, Chad!
Have a great day

-Everyone has a smile.

-And we give free smiles
with every home purchase

from Carruthers
Family Realty.

-Because, with us,
you don't just get a house.

- You get a home!

-[Scoffs]

Can't believe that
was the best take.

[Sighs]

♪

♪

[Computer chimes]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Not another Christmas.

-Let's go, Winnie.

-[Sighs]

-We're gonna be late!
Jimmy!

-Oh.
Did you hear from NYU?

-Not yet.

-You forgot your camera.

-No, I didn't.

-Hey, you guys.
Do you smell that?

[Sniffs] It's Christmas.

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la,
la la la la ♪

Everyone!

♪ 'Tis the season
to be jolly ♪

[Christmas music playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-You killed my brother.

♪

Y-Your family,
they're, um...

they're really thriving
'cause of what you did.

The whole town's happy
he's dead.

-That night still
haunts me, Buck.

Every day I'm sorry.

-I should fucking end you.

I should fucking end you
'cause of what you did.

♪

♪

-Look outside.
It's snowing.

Oh, my gosh.

-Looks like everybody
got their wish.

-They sure did.

-Okay, and one for Winnie.

I love this tradition of opening
one gift on Christmas Eve.

Come on, open it.
I want to see!

-Workout gear?

-Pink!
But you love pink.

Good job, David!

-Nobody had that color.

-David, no, no, no.

-The dick
got me a scale.

-We can hear
you guys whispering.

-What's the matter?

-You never give women gifts
related to their bodies.

-It's never okay.
Even if it's from your own dad.

-Especially if it's
from your own dad.

-Oh, come on. It's fun.
It's got your initial on it.

-Come on.
Just go put it on.

-Judy, maybe she just
tries it on later.

-Winnie.
Come on, just go put it on.

For us.

Please.

-Okay.

-Alright!

-Charades?

-Jesus Christmas!

[Horn honking]

Here you go, Mom and Dad.

Where did everyone go?

-Oh, well, your brother
got a new truck.

-What?

-Are you kidding?!

[Laughing]

Oh, my God!
This is actually insane!

-My business partner
needs to drive in style.

[Laughs]

Get in!

-Are you fucking
kidding me?

-Winnie, language!
-What's the problem?

-Winnie, it's okay.
It's for both of us.

I swear.
You drive it whenever you want.

It's ours.
-Nice try, Jimmy.

But Dad gets me
a lesbian tracksuit?

-Hey!
We would never wear that.

-Sorry, Aunt Gale.

-And you get
a damn truck?

-We got you both
something you needed.

-Can everyone please stop

ignoring what fucking happened
last year?

People were killed.

My best friend was killed.

Cara and her grandpa spent
every Christmas here.

How can you act
like nothing happened?

-Winnie, it's time
to let that go.

-Seriously?

I killed Mr. Waters.

I burnt him to a crisp.
And we never talk about it.

The town never talks about it.

Everyone just moved on.

-Winnie,
it's Christmas Eve.

-Why would you want
to relive that?

♪

It's got a 6.2-liter engine,
which is pretty amazing.

[Static]

♪

-Okay.

So far not that much resemblance
to "It's a Wonderful Life."

Other than that,

it's a small town dominated
by an evil businessman

like Lionel Barrymore
or Mr. Potter

in the original movie.

Um, Henry Waters is played by
Justin Long,

who said he modeled his
whole appearance and performance

after the televangelist
Joel Osteen.

And once you know that,
you can't stop thinking about it

because he really did nail
that resemblance

and the mannerisms
and the --

-So, what are
you drinking over there?

-Oh, um, switching
over to eggnog from beer.

Somebody left some
in the trailer.

So, you know, tis the season,
and you want a little bit of it?

-Oh, no.

Someone -- Someone "left it"
in the trailer?

-Uh, you do not question
a Christmas miracle, Darcy.

So...
-Okay.

-Uh, "It's a Wonderful Knife"

is the project
of Michael Kennedy,

the writer of the
body swap comedy "Freaky,"

who, uh, conceived this idea
during the pandemic as a way

to do a Christmas horror movie

without relying
on any Christmas horror cliches

like a killer Santa Claus
or whatever.

And later he teamed up
with Tyler MacIntyre,

the director of "Tragedy Girls,"

after the two indie filmmakers
developed a friendship.

And then the bulk of the movie

was worked out through
a collaboration between writer,

director and cast,

with several of the cast
members

like Justin Long
adding extensive material

to their own characters,

and at some point
they decided to make almost all

of the characters gay.

Uh, the character
of Jimmy the football star

being a version
of Kennedy himself.

Kennedy was a gay
high school athlete

in his hometown of Cleveland.

Um, both Kennedy
and MacIntyre are --

They're like Coen brothers
type creators

in -- in much
of their source material

is other movies,

because besides
"It's a Wonderful Life,"

they have cited "Scream"...
-Yeah.

-..."Back to the Future"...
-Yeah.

..."Halloween, "Scream 2."
-Yeah.

-Specifically "Scream 2"
as films

that they borrowed from to make
"It's a Wonderful Knife."

But they did not use
Clarence the Angel

as a source,
and Michael Kennedy wanted

that angel type character to be,
a, the serial killer himself

who attacks wearing
an angel costume,

and B, the girl known as Weirdo,

so that Jane Widdop as Winnie

would be advised
by an entity less supernatural

than Clarence the Angel.
At any rate,

you won't get the parallels

until we get further
along in the story.

So let's get back to the movie.

Roll it.

And I should say this,
Winnie is played by Jane Widdop

and Weirdo is played
by Jessica McLeod,

and they both
identify as non-binary.

So correct me, Darcy,

if I start saying she
on either one of those actors.

-Will do, boss.

-Because I get
gender confused.

Is non-binary the same
as bisexual?

-Oh, no, no, no.

-I didn't think.
-[Laughs]

-So -- So what's
the difference?

Tell me the difference.

-Oh, uh, bisexual is
just sexual orientation.

Non-binary is
how they identify their gender.

So they can be non-binary,
but still be straight.

-Okay.

I tell you what.
-Okay.

-Just police my pronouns, okay?

-I got you.

♪

-Welcome back to the
Yuki Yuletide Network

charity auction.

The next celebration
of Christmas Joy

is the signature edition script
book of the holiday classic,

"I Spit on Your Grave."

This beautiful printing
of the film script

also includes behind
the scenes insights,

and is signed by none other

than rebel director Meir Zarchi
and actress Camille Keaton.

Bid today.

Go back to school
with this next auction item.

A limited edition Reading is
Fundamental poster,

as seen during "Joe Bob's
Summer School."

Created in this style
of 1990s classroom propaganda,

this educational poster
featuring Ernie the Lizard

is sure to motivate you
to finally finish that

James Joyce book you've
been putting off since college.

There are only five posters
available, so bid today.

All auction items
can be autographed by request.

♪

[Static]

-[Sighs]

-[Sighs]

Merry Christmas, kid.

-Ugh.

[Cellphone chimes]

[Cellphone chiming]

-Boyfriend Robbie?

He's intense.

-[Sighs]

-♪ I'm so good and not bad

♪ We could go far sometimes ♪

♪ Living how you're choosing ♪

-Robbie?

[Indistinct chatter]

♪

Vicki, hey, got a sec?

-What the fuck, dude?

We're playing gummy
toss here.

First to five wins.

And I'm up four to two.

-Wow, cool.

Who is this old asshole?

-Robbie's weird neighbor?

I don't know. He brought
weed gummies, though.

Want one?

-No.
Have you seen Robbie?

-No.
Check the basement.

-Mm! See that shit?
I win.

♪

-Robbie?

♪

-Hey back.
-What?

-You said "hey" to me
last year at the party,

and now I am saying
hey back.

-Mm-kay.

It's Bernie, right?

-Yeah. It's --
it's Bernie.

-So, "It's Bernie"...

-[Chuckles] Good.

-Have you seen my
dumb boyfriend Robbie?

-Yes

He's in the backyard.
[Cup clatters]

-Will you
shut the hell up?

-I'm looking for Robbie.

-He's in the laundry room.

-I thought you said
he went outside?

-Yeah, I did
'cause that's...

I just saw him there so --
-Weirdo's lying.

He's in
the laundry room.

-Get out of here, Weirdo.

[Laughing]

-You have very good aim.

♪

-Wow. Just wow.

Seriously?

Hey, Winnie!

Winnie, wait!

-Finally.

I was so sick of just sneaking
around all the time.

-Finally?
Jesus, Darla.

I catch you,
and you're relieved?

-Sort of. Yeah.

-Okay, well, you two suck.

-Sorry, but you're not
exactly present.

Darla and I have been
doing this for a year,

Winnie,
and you never noticed.

-A year?

-Shit, Win, we never meant
for you to find out this way.

-Robbie, it's sticking out!

-Winnie, wait.
Don't go --

-Wait. You were covering for
them, weren't you, Weirdo?

-No, no.
I was trying to protect you --

-I don't need
help from you!

♪

♪

[Gagging]

Shit.

[Sighs]

♪

[Laughing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

No school.

No best friend.

No boyfriend.

♪

No one cares.

It's like I don't exist.

♪

Everyone would be better off...

if I was...

never born.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Guys, did you see that?

Did the power go out
or something?

Oh, my God.

[Screams]

♪

Help me!

Help!

♪

[Rattling]

♪

[Glass shatters]

♪

Help! I'm at the wharf near
Angel Park!

Somebody's trying to kill me.

-[Gasps]

-Ma'am, did you
break my window?

-Buck, he's after me!
He was trying to kill me!

-The Angel?
-What?

Yes!

-[Sighs]

Hey, Chuck.
I'm gonna need some backup.

[Siren chirps]

...some of that chalk
that we outline the people on.

Can we get some more
of that caution tape?

I feel like --

I feel like we need to be
a little more cautious here.

Chip, can we get
a canine unit down here?

I-I don't think it's gonna help
catch him but it just...

it helps the vibes, you know?

This looks pretty good.
I mean, not this spot.

Obviously...
-Buck.

-Yeah?

-When did
you become a cop?

-Do I know you?

-Where is the sheriff?

-I'm the sheriff.
Sheriff Waters.

Show me some respect.

-Okay.
What is going on?

Where's Sheriff Beatty,
and why's everyone acting

like this
is no big deal?

-Ma'am --
-It's Winnie.

You know that.
-Okay. Winnie.

Sheriff Beatty was murdered
almost a year ago.

I've been in charge
ever since.

-You're joking.

-It's true.

Sheriff Beatty was killed

shortly after
the Angel Park murders.

He was victim number five.

-Five?

Have there been
more than five?

How many have there been?

-Well, this is, uh...

26 or 27?

The Angel strikes
every couple of weeks.

How can that be?
Everyone knows who did it.

-You know who did this?

Who did this?
[Car door closes]

-Your...
-Hey!

-...brother.
-Is this her?

-Yeah.

-You never had
a witness before.

-Yeah.
-Huh, Buck?

Hi. Hi. I'm Henry Waters.

You okay? You're okay.
It's okay.

Whoa, whoa, easy, easy.
Easy, easy.

Yeah, I'm gonna invade
your personal space.

I want you to know, you have
this town's full support.

Anything you need,
you just --

you just let
Uncle Buck know.

Now, as mayor,
I want you to know

that you have a friend here
in Angel Falls.

Now, are you just visiting our
town, or do have family here?

Oh, she -- she can't talk,
she's so scared.

It's okay.
You're all right.

-She says
she knows who did it.

♪

-Is that so?

-I-I don't know, actually.

I misspoke.

-I was chased, but then
he disappeared.

Never saw his face.
Wish I did.

-Well, lucky you.

-He was about
your height, Mayor.

♪

-Anything else?

-Nope.

-Don't you have
stuff to do, Buck?

A report to file?
-Well, I --

-Why don't you keep an eye
on that girl?

-In which order?

♪

♪

-[Panting]

♪

Mom.
Oh, thank God.

Mom.
Are you drunk?

-What are you doing here?

I clicked the option to leave
the pizza on the porch.

-Where's Jimmy?
Jimmy?!

Jimmy, are you here?

-Hey.

What's going on?
Who are you?

-Dad, where's Jimmy?

-What?

Is this a joke?
Huh?

It's not funny.

-[Chuckles]

-Jimmy?!

-Hey!

-Shh.

-Jimmy?!

♪

♪

-You're looking
for Jimmy? Why?

-I need to find him.

-What for?

-I just --
I need his help.

-Oh, honey...

Jimmy is...

dead.

-No, no. I...

That's not --
that's not possible.

-I'm so sorry.
-I saved him.

I swear.

I swear I saved him.

-You need to get
out of here.

-Just go easy on her.
I think she's in shock.

-My son was murdered
a year ago.

I had one kid.
Now I have none.

You need to get out
of this house.

-I'm sorry.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Citizens of Angel Falls,
this is your favorite mayor

reminding you all that
it's one hour until curfew.

Why not head inside early
and make some cocoa?

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Henry Waters.
He owns it all.

♪

[Gasps]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Hard rock music playing]

♪

♪

[Indistinct shouting]

♪

♪

-Weird neighbor Pete.

Vicki.
What's in the pipe?

-Some good old crank.

-Cut the shit.

[Laughs]

-Have you seen Robbie?
Or Darla?

I need their help.

Hello?

[Coughs]

♪

♪

-Oh, my God. Bernie.

-Hi.

-You know me?

-No.

-Then why are you
acting like you do?

-I don't know.

-Okay.
Weird story.

I think I'm dead
or invisible.

-Mm. I can see you.

We all can see you so you're not
dead or invisible.

-Right, right.
No, I totally get that.

It's just, you don't
know me, right?

-That's right.
I don't.

-And no one else
here knows me.

Yo, Tara,
do you know me?

-[Chuckles] No.

-[Groans]

Yo, Chad, do you know me?

-I'd like to.

-Ew, barf, no, bye.

See? No one knows me.

No one in this whole town
knows me.

-So, um, who are you?

-I'm Winnie Carruthers.
I'm Jimmy Carruthers' sister.

-Okay.

That's super effed up.
You're just playing with me?

You're trying to get me
to freak out.

Someone will point
and laugh at me?

God, this while school
messes with me.

This is, like,
next-level gross.

-Bernie, we go to school
together.

-I don't think that we do.

-We did.

You got to help me.

-[Speaking indistinctly]

[Laughing]

-Robbie and Darla.
They're the "it" couple.

This is his house.

-I know.

-Invisible a minute ago,

and now she knows whose
house this is.

It's like
make up your mind.

-[Speaking indistinctly]

-Robbie.

Darla.

-That's us.

Are you two in love?

-Three years strong.
Yeah.

-You know our names.
What's yours?

-Winnie.

-Okay, well, uh,
good to know ya, Winnie.

-[Giggling]

♪

-[Panting]

♪

Shit!

♪

-Kick me!
Kick me in the junk!

[Gasps]

-What the hell
are you doing?

-What does
it look like, bro?

He's kicking my ass!
[Laughs]

-What is this town?

♪

-♪ Holy fucking shit ♪

♪ It's Christmas ♪

♪

-The lights look so cool.

[Laughing]

[Cellphone chimes]

♪

Oh, my God,
there's been more murders.

-So?
-So?

Dude, people died.

More people.

-So fuckin' what?

Am I just supposed to
stop living life?

Live in perpetual fear?

Let it kill my buzz?
Come on.

-I must be drunk to keep
listening to this.

-What did I say?

-Really drunk.

-I am so misunderstood.

♪

♪

Ah!

-[Grunts]

♪

[Clattering]

♪

-Help me!

[Groans]

♪

Open the fucking door!

♪

[Music playing]

♪

[Blows landing]

♪

Please.

♪

♪

[Thunder rumbling]

[Indistinct talking]

[Music playing in distance ]

♪

-They really are in love.

♪

♪

Carruthers, Carruthers,
Carruthers.

Then I'm really gone.

♪

♪

[Laughing]

♪

-Unfortunately,
citizens of Angel Falls,

the killer did strike again.

But know that I am
working on it.

I'm going to solve this.

My men are more than equipped
to handle the situation.

So please take
comfort in that

-Weirdo.
Weirdo, I'm talking to you.

Why are you showing up
everywhere?

We don't want you here.

-Murders for a year,
and you have a party?

Murders for a year, and you
still treat her like shit?

Plus, the drugs?

-We're mourning, okay?

-Quit pursing
your lips, Vicki.

Your mouth looks
like an asshole.

-Come on, Weirdo.
Let's fuckin' go.

-Who are you?

-Great party.

-My mouth doesn't look
like an asshole.

-Oh, my God,
did you see their face?

Oh, no.
I hope that they don't think

about that every day
for the rest of their life.

Do you think --
-Bernie, wait.

-What?

-The killer is still
out there, right?

-Very much so. Yeah.

-We got to stop him.

-Come with me.

-Oh, stupid Pete,
stupid Weirdo.

And that other girl?
Who is that?

My God, I don't care.

♪

[Screams]

♪

-Are you always alone
for Christmas?

-My dad caught my mom.

He left when
I was little,

and, uh, my mom's usually
with whatever ass bucket

she's dating, so...

I do the best I can.

-It's nice, Bernie.

You designed these?

-And these.

If I can ever scrounge up
the money,

I'm going to New York.

Fashion school.

-Really?
NYCU was my plan, too.

Was.

Photography.

Didn't end up
working out.

-Maybe it will and we'll end up
there together.

-Whoa.

You did this?

-It's kept me going.

-Wait.
What do you mean by that?

-The victims have been
mostly teenagers.

And he murders
every few weeks.

-It's Henry Waters.

You don't believe me.

-I mean...

-I stood under the aurora
and said everyone

would be better off
if I never existed.

Well, wish granted.

Because I'm seeing what
Angel Falls is like without me.

Everyone at school
calls you Weirdo.

Not like "a weirdo,"
they literally named you Weirdo.

How would I know that?

-You heard that tonight
from Vicki.

-[Sighs]
Just hear me out.

Last Christmas Eve,
Mr. Evans was murdered

in his home first.

Then Eddie and Cara
were murdered at the park party.

-Plus...

Jimmy.

-Well, in the version
where I still exist,

I killed the killer,
and it was Henry Waters.

He killed Eddie and Cara and
then he came after me and Jimmy.

But I killed him.
I saved Jimmy.

-You took out the killer,

and you're saying
it was Mayor Waters.

-It was!

Oh, God.

♪

I wasn't there
to save him.

And now he's dead.

-All the offed teenagers
were part of families

with businesses in town.

Or they hadbusinesses
in town.

-Had?
-The kids died.

-And then
the businesses died.

-And then you weren't
around to stop him,

so he just kept going.

-And now he owns
the whole damn town.

It's like everyone
just gave up.

And he likes killing.

-Look, I want to
believe you.

I mean, it makes sense.

Henry Waters is a twat.
He's now mayor.

He killed the last sheriff so
his TikTok cock dumb-ass brother

Buck could take over,
which makes

Mayor Waters untouchable.

But let's say
you're just...

you're some girl...

some potentially crazy girl
no one knows.

And the day you reveal
yourself in town

is the day there's
another...

massacre.

[Cellphone buzzing]

And then another murder

at the party
we were just at.

-What?

-Pete was killed at
the party, Winnie.

-But I was with you.

-You went outside alone.

-Come on, Bernie!
It wasn't me!

How can I be so sure?

[Screams]

-Come on, come on!

-[Screams]

[Screams]

-Ah!

-[Gasps]

♪

-Go, go, go!

-Holy crap,
you aren't the killer!

You're telling the truth!
You don't exist!

You're George Bailey!

Will you be
my Clarence?

-Absolutely!

[Static]

-You know,
the part I don't understand

is the aurora borealis,
the northern lights.

What does that have
to do with anything?

In the original movie, I think
George Bailey is suicidal.

And so Clarence the angel
comes to save him, right?

But in this case, Winnie is just
wishing she'd never been born.

I guess that qualifies
as suicidal, does it?

I mean, sometimes when
I watch movies that are meta

and self-referential
and derivative

and homages to other movies full
of Easter eggs and sequences

based on sequences
in previous films and characters

constructed from composites
of other characters.

Sometimes when I encounter
movies like that,

movies that wouldn't exist

except that they're mashups
of other movies,

I don't really want
to deal with it.

You know, I mean,
I'm making an exception tonight

since it's a Christmas movie,
you know?

I don't know, maybe it's the
holidays, maybe it's the eggnog.

But it's got
me thinking about all this.

-All this?

What do you mean?
-Well, you know what?

What are we doing right now?

I mean,
I'm glad people are tuning in,

hanging out.

But what are we up to, really?

I mean,
we're interrupting a movie,

echoing another movie so we can
dissect it like an owl pellet.

You know the thing
ornithologists do

to figure out what
owls have been snacking on.

-That's us.
-But sometimes it's

like all the owls have just
been eating other owls pellets.

Owl pellets all the way down.

Split one open.

It's just recycled mouse bones
and fur

from some other owl
that got hocked up.

-So --
-Well, okay.

Well, that's gross, but cheer
up, man, it's Christmas time.

-All I'm saying is,

maybe we're well past
the need for what I'm doing.

Because sometimes I think
the world would be better

without film critics.

Like, especially film critics
like myself.

Because, I mean, we're always
looking for the next new thing.

We can just hand everything
over to the internet fanboys

and the fan girls
who want to recycle the past.

They can have it,
you know?

You know what I'm talking
about?

-I think so, but I disagree.

There's always something new
to talk about.

And so what if there isn't?
You just, I don't know,

you get inspired when
you go on an unrelated rant.

That is worth it.

-Are you just trying
to make me feel better?

You hate my rants.
-I love your rants.

-Well...

I mean,
life is more than movies, right?

I mean, if you just keep
making the same movies

and the remakes
and the sequels and the mash ups

and the meta reimaginings,

maybe you think the world is
one big circular clock,

and we're destined to repeat
and repeat and repeat

and it just makes
me want to turn everything

over to artificial
intelligence,

just forget about the future
of innovation, you know?

Are you following this?

-You've just been working
too hard.

-Maybe my kind of criticism
is not needed anymore.

Maybe everybody would be
better off

if it never existed in the first
place, right, Darcy?

♪

So tired.

Just so exhausted.

♪

♪

[Bell chimes]

-Hey, pal.
You can't sleep here.

-Can you give me a Lone Star?

Are you in craft service?
You have some in the back or...?

Oh.

I must have dozed off.

Uh, I need to finish the movie.

-The movie?

-Careful what you wish for,
cowboy.

-There is no movie.
-When did you learn to talk?

-Look, man, I ain't
going to write you up this time,

but you need to move along.
-Where am I?

-Nakamura, Georgia, of course.

♪

Listen, man, just don't fall
asleep and freeze to death.

Too much paper work.
-Wait. Nakamura?

As in Yuki Nakamura?
Like, the art director.

-Think again.
You never existed.

Just like you wanted.

And that changes everything.

-Yuki, show me
where the studio is.

I need to get back there.
-Do I know you?

-Yuki, it's me.
It's Joe Bob.

Where's he going?

-Yuki is a very busy man.

Things to do.
He is the mayor after all.

-I don't like this.
[Bell chimes]

I don't like this at all.

I want to go back to the movie.

But where is the movie?

Where -- Where am I?

-Right where the studio
would be.

You haven't moved an inch.

The only difference is
you never existed.

-Shutter might fire me
for this.

Let's get back to the movie.

Roll the flick?

-Shutter doesn't need you
or anyone else.

They were sold to a big
Silicon Valley

corporation years ago.

Now they just use a AI for
everything, including the hosts.

-[ Robotic voice ] And now we
return to

"It's a Wonderful Knife"
and Shudder.

-Welcome to the Yuki Yuletide
Network charity auction.

Let's see what's
in Santa's bag this time.

It's a Christmas crossover.

You can bid on two "
Up All Night"

comics signed by Rhonda Shear,

including the issue where she,

Darcy and Joe Bob heroically
team up to save the day.

And that's not all.

The winner of this item
will also receive the very bra

that Rhonda let Joe Bob wear
during the Night marathon signed

by her and the cast
of the show.

This crossover gift set is
sure to keep your loved ones

up all night,
so bid on it today.

Celebrate history
with this tremendous portrait

as seen on our National
Cheese Sandwich Day presentation

of Trauma's
immortal "Toxic Avenger."

This painting pays tribute
to the junk food innovator

and veritable genius
of Sir James L. Kraft.

Bid now and bring
the Chancellor of Cheddar

home for the holidays.

Bid online now at
joebobschristmascarnage.com.

♪

[Static]

-Citizens of Angel Falls,

this is your mayor,
reminding you

to have a safe
and Merry Christmas!

-Wait, wait.
Hold on.

-It's curfew time!

-Oh, it's so pretty.

-It exploded
when I made my wish.

-It shouldn't be here.

-What do you mean?

-I mean it's super rare to see
an aurora from our town.

We aren't close enough
to the Arctic.

But it's here.

And so are you.

♪

I don't think
that's a coincidence.

♪

Come on.

♪

-Is this still open?

-Yeah, it's the only
thing in town

Henry Waters doesn't own.

-How do we get in?

-I work here.
[Keys jingle]

-Huh.

-We're safe here
overnight, Winnie.

Loosen those shoulders.

This is my happy place.

[Music playing,
film projector clicking]

♪

-A Merry Christmas
to you, uncle!

-Thank you.
-And God save you!

-Bah! Humbug!
-Christmas a humbug?

You can't mean that,
I'm sure.

-This is one
of my favorites.

-What right have
you to be merry?

What reason have you
to be merry?

-You're poor enough.
-Come, then.

What right have you
to be dismal?

What reason have you
to be morose?

You're rich enough.

-Win?

Did being unborn hurt?

-I'm tired, Bernie.

Can we not?

What?
-I have so many questions.

-[Laughs]

-What?

It didn't hurt.
It just sort of...happened.

-So, no plasma or goo
or anything?

I would just imagine
it's like --

it's like
reverse childbirth.

-Where do you come up
with this kind of stuff?

-Why are you here?

In this...reality?

To learn some lesson?

To appreciate life?

-I learned
that lesson quickly.

♪

[Sighs]

I do wish I was born.

I wish Jimmy was alive.

See? Nothing.

[Sighs]

♪

-I know we just met,

but I have no doubt this town
was better with you in it.

♪

♪

♪

-A Merry Christmas to you!

A Merry Christmas!

♪

-[Snoring]

[Snorts]

Bernie?

Bernie?

-Good morning!

I couldn't sleep at all.
You snore so loud.

But look what I found.

-Do you shoot?

-Oh, I-I try.

I mean, it's probably
not as good as you.

I can barely get a photo
in focus.

-You stayed up all night
doing this?

-Yeah, I live
for this kind of shit.

The aurora
is why you're here.

It's rare for it to be seen
in our town, but it does happen.

And local folklore says
the lights

are the spirit of someone
who died violently.

-Henry Waters.
-Yeah.

You killed him
in your world, right?

Violently.

His spirit sent you here,
Winnie.

And...

there's more.

The aurora's fading.

-And if it fades
away completely,

I'm stuck here.

-Exactly.

-What do I do?

My best guess?
-Kill him again.

Before
the aurora disappears.

You'll get your wish
to go back and reset...

everything.

-[Sighs]

-Yay!

Merry Christmas.

♪

-This is tonight?

-Yep.

A new Christmas festival in town
gifted to us by Mayor Waters.

-"Are you
naughty or nice?

Only Henry Waters
can answer that?"

This could be
our only chance.

-How do we get to him?

This whole town is
basically up his ass.

-I think there's one person
who can help us.

He's closer to Henry Waters
than anybody.

[Knocking on door]

-You again.

-I just need
to talk to you.

It's about Jimmy.

[Door slams]

I'm not going away
until you talk to me!

I don't exist, man!
I can do this all day!

-Subtle.

-I need to talk to him.

-Tell me how
you know Jimmy.

-Make something up.

-He's my brother.
And you're my aunt.

-Oh.
-Can I come in?

-I'm your aunt?

-Yes.
You're my mom's sister.

Dad works for Henry Waters.

-Okay, tell me something
you can't Google.

-Your ass froze to the ground
because you were rocking

an Aguilerean thong at the 1999
Christmas Eve park party.

♪

-I always knew that
thong would bring people

together one day.

-What's an Aguilerean thong?

-Judy! What did I say?
No more wine.

-Leave her alone.

-Do you have my Ambien?

-Do you have her Ambien?

-Who is that?

-Uh, you don't
want to know.

I mean, he's upstairs
if you really want...

-[Exhales]

-You have a lovely home.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Working on Christmas?

For Mr. Waters.

-Always.

-Are you okay?

[Pencil clatters]

-You want to talk
about Jimmy?

You knew him?

-Yeah.

He was...

great.

-Yeah, he was.

I used to go to school
with Jimmy.

I loved
watching him play.

-Yeah.
He was all-state.

-Two years in a row.

I remember this one game,
he threw for six touchdowns.

He was so, so, so good.

-I remember that.

That was
the state semis.

I -- I got so
excited that I...

that I spilled hot cocoa --

-All over your pants.

-Yeah.

-Jimmy always lit up
when he told me that story.

-God, I miss him so much.

-So do I.

-You know,
it's really something.

One person, one life,

can change everything,
just by being gone.

And they don't
even know it.

And they are so lucky that
they don't get to see the pain

they left in their wake.

And they should
be so lucky.

Could you imagine?

What seeing this could do
to a person?

♪

-I know who killed him.

-Oh, come on.
Don't start this.

-I was there that night.

I saw what happened.

-What do you mean?

If you were there, why didn't
you say something then?

-I couldn't.

It was Mr. Waters.

-It was Henry Waters?

My best friend?

My boss?

You're saying he
killed my son?

-Yes.
We need to stop him.

-Goddamnit!
[Bangs table]

Why did you come
here again? Huh?

Why are you so intent
on hurting my family?

-Dad, he killed Jimmy!

-Dad?
-What?

-You called me dad.

-No. I-I just --

-I'm not your dad.
I have no children.

You need to get out
of the house, go.

-He killed Jimmy.
-Goddamnit!

The guy that you are accusing
of murder right now,

he got me this house.

He feeds this family.

He paid for the burial
of my son!

So, get the fuck
out of here!

Go!

♪

-Are you okay?

-Hey, it's okay.

-My family, this town...

...it died that night
with Jimmy.

I got to fix this.

[Smooching]

Uh, why is that
strange man kissing your neck?

-Don't let that bastard scream
at you like that.

-Yeah. Don't let that bastard
scream at you like that.

-Who are you?

-Who are you?
[Laughs]

-Mom has a side piece?

-Pieces, plural.

Told you
you didn't want to know.

Goddamn mess.

You heard me, Judy?
You're a goddamn mess!

-I didn't realize
that was your mom.

-David is not the man
he used to be.

-Well, that's true.
He comes and goes at all hours.

Even in the middle
of the night.

-Oh, look, there he fucking
goes again!

[Door slams]

-You're not nice.

-Regardless, my husband
thinks he's tough.

Don't let him
trick you!

-Wait, Winnie.

They don't even know
that they're your family, right?

I know it sucks.
I've seen like a zillion randos

playing tonsil hockey
with my mom, but...

we need them.

We need someone.

-Aunt Gale!
That guy needs to leave.

♪

-Mom! No!

-No! Gale, we got to go,
we got to go!

-[Screams]
-Come on!

Winnie, let's go!

-[Screams]

Go, go, go!

[Screams]

♪

-Stop!

-[Groans]

♪

-We have
to step over him.

♪

♪

♪

Go.

♪

He's still breathing.

-That's okay.
I got you.

♪

♪

Okay, come on.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[ Whispering] What are you
doing?

-I have to kill him.

-Yes, you can do it,
Winnie.

♪

♪

♪

-Dad.

-I told you...

I'm not your dad.

-[Screaming]

♪

[Static]

-But where's the studio?
-What studio?

-You know where they made
"The Walking Dead?"

The studio.
-That is no studio.

-But there were 177 episodes
of "The Walking Dead."

-"Walking Dead?"
What's that?

-There is no "Walking Dead,"
cowboy.

There is no "Walking Dead" show

because there is no
"Walking Dead" comic.

Robert Kirkman never saw
George Romero's films,

which he first saw on your show
at a tender young age.

-Okay, Joe Bob Briggs here.

I'm so discombobulated tonight.

Have you heard about
this couples therapy?

-The zombie revival
craze never happened.

And the last remaining print
of "Night of the Living Dead"

burned up in a fire in
a Pittsburgh Warehouse in 1982.

-But zombie culture,
slasher culture.

-What's a slasher?
-What's a slasher?

Come on, Yuki --
I mean Mayor Yuki.

A slasher is one of
the basic food groups of horror.

You worked on "Blood Diner,"
for God's sake.

Where -- Where's Darcy?

-One mind blowing reveal
at a time.

-I swear, you little weasel,

I will smash you
under the tire of an 18-wheeler

if you don't tell me
where Darcy is.

-Are you okay?
-I'm fine.

Where the lizard go?

-Lizard.
-Never mind.

How'd you become the mayor?

Get a whole town named
after you.

-Long story.

I got so rich,
I got so bored.

So I went into politics.

-That's nice.

How'd you get so rich?

-Sales.

I was running a
Christmas charity auction.

I realized that
Christmas is a big business.

Tourist decoration.

No business
like snow business.

-I don't like this.

We're at the third break by now.

Winnie's unmasked the killer,
it's her own dad.

I gotta get back to my trailer.

Show me my trailer.

♪

-[ Robotic voice ]
And now we return to

"It's a Wonderful Knife"
on Shudder.

-The Yuki Yuletide Network,

your destination
for last minute gifts

for the hoardhound
in your life.

The next item is
for the underground tape heads

on your Christmas list.

A copy of "Forbidden Zone"
on Blu ray,

signed by both madman
filmmaker Richard Elfman

and legendary composer
Danny Elfman.

Two copies of the film are
available to bid on right now.

Boring parties are a thing
of the past,

with this next item,

a custom screen used
Pin-The-Tail-On-Hogzilla

party game as seen during
the Night marathon.

Things are going to get
nasty this Christmas

for one lucky
auction winner.

Bid online now at
joebobschristmascarnage.com.

Brought to you
by Nakamura Enterprises.

Nakamura --

There's no business
like snow business.

[Wind blowing]

[Static]

♪

♪

-It's almost gone.

♪

♪

That should be good.

-I can't believe my dad
is the one doing this.

-First Karen
and now Judy.

I just...

-Karen?

-He killed her
this past summer.

And then Waters took over
her print shop a week later.

-I saw something
in his eyes.

My dad is not fully...

my dad.

-His eyes have felt
like that for a year.

-The aurora, Jimmy...

Jimmy's murder broke my dad.

Waters already owned him.

Now he controls him.

Just like everyone else
whose life he destroyed.

-So, Waters did
the first killing?

And is using my dad
to punish his competition.

Making him kill in order
to expand his empire.

-We can still
change it back.

-Kill the killer.
Remember?

-Hold up.
-You saw the aurora.

It's gonna
disappear tonight.

Once it's gone,
there could be no stopping him.

-I have to kill my own dad?

-Correct.

-Good.

-Look, you can think of it
as a dream, right?

You kill him,
then you wake up.

And you get
your life back.

-Weirdo is right, kid.

You're an unexpected
wrinkle.

Your dad did not
plan on you.

-You are his target now,
Winnie.

If you don't kill him,
he'll kill you.

And so many others
in this town.

-So...

what's our plan?

-We lure him here.

-All right.

Let's kill my not-dad dad.

♪

[Light clicking]

♪

-I do mean it.

What right have you
to be merry?

What reason have you
to be merry?

You're poor enough.

♪

♪

-Now, Winnie!
-[Screams

-But, Robbie, I can't see!

-Come on down, Bernie.

It's just
Robbie and Darla.

-Is that
a baseball bat?

-Why are you here?

-We had our first date here.
It's a tradition.

-Yeah, they're
kind of here a lot.

-Ugh. These two. I can't.

-So, why did you
attack us on our thirdiversary?

-[Laughs] Of course
it's your anniversary.

-Yeah, we are so lucky
that we started dating

on Christmas Eve.

-So lucky.
Yes, we are.

-Blech!
-Blech.

-[Gagging]

♪

[Gags]

-[Screams]

♪

-Robbie!

Robbie, where are you?
-Where is he?

-Bernie? I can't see!
-Is he in here?

Darla? Darla?!
-[Grunts]

-Where'd you go?!

♪

-Ah!
-Robbie!

-Darla?

-[Gasps]

-Robbie?!

-Hey! Darla?

Careful, Darla!
Darla, watch out!

Darla! Darla!

-[Screaming]

-Darla! Babe! Babe!

-[Screams]

-Shoot, shoot, shoot.

[Groans]

Oh, no!
[Shutter clicking]

-No! Get off me!

-Robbie?!

Robbie, run!

[Knife slashing, plunging]

-[Panting]

♪

[Clanging]

Shit.

♪

-[Gasps]

-♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪
-[Screams]

-♪ Let's all go to the lobby ♪

-Get to the lobby!

♪

-[Screams]

-[Groans]

[Body thuds]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-You did it.

You did it.

♪

-This is the spot.

[Exhales sharply]

Let's hope this works.

-Can I just say, um...

you like me?

Right?

-Oh, Weirdo.

Of course I like you.

-This Christmas
was gonna be my last.

-What?
-You heard me.

This was gonna be it.

But you...

...you helped me realize.

-You matter, Bernie.

♪

-Yeah.

♪

I wasn't Clarence.

You were.

♪

♪

I hate to see you go.

But reset it.
I'll be fine.

I promise.

♪

-I want my life back.

♪

I want my life back.

♪

I want to go home.

Let me go back!

He killed my goddamn mom,
my aunt!

Do I need to suffer any longer?!
Huh?!

-Winnie, we can
figure this out --

Give me my life back,
you hack!

[Screams]

[Panting]

Bernie, what do I do?

♪

[Applause]

-People of Angel Falls!
Are you on my naughty list?

-Oh, crap.

I think the aurora heard you.
It looks angry.

-We need to kill Waters.

[Static]

♪

-Give me my life back,
you hack.

I understand the cinema, Winnie.

Weirdo beliefs are on faith

that they are
in an alternate existence,

subverting the plot of
"It's a Wonderful Life."

But who cares about the movie

since it apparently
doesn't even exist?

Just tell me, lizard,
what happened to Darcy?

-All right.
Brace yourself, cowboy.

She's the chief justice
of the Supreme Court.

-What?
How did that happen?

-Pay attention now.
In 2019,

Darcy was appointed
by President Parton

after winning a landmark
Free the Nipple

anti-censorship case
that made her a household name.

-President Parton?

-Yeah, Dolly Parton, you know?

While finishing
up her second term,

she called all of the nation's
female billionaires

into public service.

-Darcy is a billionaire.

So is everybody
in this universe just rich?

-D'arcy brand's leads the world
in cannabis skincare products,

body-positive lingerie
and the D'arcy record label

has offices in six continents.

-I was right.

Everybody's life is just better
if I don't exist.

Cartoonishly better.

And what about her
Mail Girl duties?

-Ask her yourself.

-Darcy.
Darcy, thank god.

-Do you need help?

-Can you --
Can you sit here for a minute?

-Are you okay?
-We were just watching

"It's a Wonderful Knife."

-Oh, I really hate
horror movies.

-That is not possible.
What do you mean?

You love horror.
-No.

-Not just love,
but it's the core of your being.

It touches every part
of your life.

"Scream?" Wes Craven?

Ringing any bells?
-I'm sorry.

I have no idea
what you're talking about, sir.

-Not even "Halloween III?"

Come on, argue with me
about "Halloween III."

Tell me how much of a
national treasure Tom Atkins is.

-Is this Tom person
a friend of yours?

Because maybe we should call him
and he can come pick you up.

You can --
You can use my phone.

-Tom Atkins,
one of the loves of your life.

You never shut up about him.

-Oh, the only love in my life
is my husband Corey.

-Feldman?
C-Corey Feldman the actor?

-I was his first
and third wife.

But honestly,
we're stronger for that,

but he hasn't really acted
since he was a kid.

-He kicks Jason's ass
in part four.

-Part four of what?

-She hasn't even
seen part one.

-Just tell me --

tell me you're a
horror loving mutant

so things will make sense

and the sun can rise
in the morning,

so I'll know the world
is still spinning.

-Um, does "Jaws" count?

That's a horror movie, I think.
Right?

-Sure.
-Yay.

-Tonight "Jaws" counts.

Back to the movie.

I guess.

-[Robotic voice] And now
we return to

"It's a Wonderful Knife"
on Shudder.

♪

-The Yuki Yuletide Network.

Next, on our Christmas auction,

Joe Bob and Darcy will take
you to dinner and a movie.

The "Drive-In" host
will fly to your town

and dine with you
and your family

at your favorite establishment,

then bask in the magic
of the movies

at a screening of your choice.

More details about
this experience on the website.

Art lovers rejoice.

You can now bid on all
of Darcy's

"Children of the Corn" drawing
scene during the Night marathon.

Each of these remarkable works
of art

depicts an important moment
in "Last Drive-In" history.

-That Michael Berryman?
-It's Michael Berryman.

-And will be signed
by the artist herself.

Sold as a complete set,

these cherished memories
are museum or gallery ready.

To bid on tonight's items, go to
Joebobschristmascarnage.com.

♪

[Static]

The Holcombs!

The Holcombs have been nice,
of course.

There they are.

What a lucky couple.

Year after year, always nice,
and we appreciate that.

Well, thank you.
Merry Christmas.

Buck Waters!

-Huh?

-You've been naughty.

-Uh-oh.
-No, no.

Come to me,
little brother. Come.

Don't we love Buck?

He's been such a great
sheriff for our town.

[Light applause]
We love Buck, don't we?

But, my little brother,
you've been naughty.

I know.

I found out last week
that Sheriff Buck here

put in for a transfer.

[Crowd groans]
Yeah, he did.

Now, why would
you do that?

-Get out of here!

♪

-I don't want to do
this anymore, Henry.

-It's okay. It's okay.

You don't have to.
You don't have to.

I forgive you.

-Winnie, they're all just
watching.

-We made it worse.

-I forgive you.

[Knife plunges]
-Ah!

[Gasps]

-This!

I do this all for you!

-Only Henry Waters can give you
everything you need!

He's an angel!

He's your angel.
-Someone do something.

-Oh, that's beautiful.
Our angel.

-Get out of here!

All of you!

-Well, now...

what do we have here?

An outsider and a pariah.

[Chuckles]

Hi there, Weirdo.

How's your mom?

-Your dad caught her
with Henry Waters.

♪

-You ruined her life.

-Oh!

Life?

[Laughs]

What life?

Bring them up.
I want to talk to them.

Come on.

Get 'em up here.
Let's have some fun.

Ruined her life?
[Laughs]

It's a little annoying
'cause David was supposed

to take care of you.

It's another one
for the naughty list, dear.

[Chuckles]

-So, David was just like
the rest of these people?

More of your drones?

-Drones?

Well, that's an ugly thing
to say in front

of all these fine people.

David needs me.
Like they do.

The night I broke him,
when I took his only son,

he saw my true power.

And he came to his senses,
and so will you.

Very soon.

-Well, I guess there's something
you should know.

-What's that?

-We fucking killed him.

-Did you really?

That's a shame.

This outsider's dangerous.

And she allies herself
with our town's most pathetic.

You don't know Angel Falls.

What do you think?

You think you're
gonna come up here

and liberate these people?

They desire to be ruled.

They need me.

♪

-The people in this town care
about each other.

-Oh.

-And they know
they don't need you.

-[Scoffs]

You have no idea
what you are --

-Ah!

I've always
fucking hated you!

-Get your
fuckin' hands off me.

This is cashmere.
Get off me.

Don't embarrass
me, okay?

I can handle this.

Ooh. [Laughs]

Ooh, you like
it rough, huh?

Just like your mom --

-[Screams]

-[Grunting]

-[Screams]

-You fuckin' bitches.

Hey, what the fuck?
Hey!

Hey, get away from me!

-[Screams]

-[Grunting]

-Back up, piss heads!
I'll use it!

-Ah!

♪

-You dumb little sluts.

You just made
my naughty list!

-[Gags]

-And you made ours.

-[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I was here to help you.

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Birds chirping]

[Gasps]

My room!

I made it.

♪

[Squeals] Christmas!

-We should give this to her
as soon as she wakes.

We owe that to her.

-[Squeals] Mom!

[Laughs]

-Whoa.
-What is this for?

-Christmas.

It's Christmas day,
right?

-Of course.

Honey, you're being silly.

-Yeah, it better be.
We got you a present.

You got to
open it now, though.

We thought you could use
a new camera.

-I love you.

-Aw, honey.
-Love you.

-Good morning.

[Groans]

Merry Christmas
to you, too!

Someone's got
the hangover emotions.

-The hangover?

-You get one of those nights
a year.

Do you hear me?
You're too young to drink.

-I got drunk?
-Oh, so drunk, kid.

-Aunt Gale, Karen.
You're okay.

-Of course
we're okay.

♪

-Whew.

What a long night.

[Sighs]

I didn't get into NYU, Mom.

-Oh, honey.

-It's a relief. It would have
cost us a lot of money.

-It's okay.

-It's fine.

Really.

I love it here.

I belong here.

-I'm sorry we didn't
let you heal.

-We're here for you,
sweetheart.

-No more
ignoring anything.

We're both
so proud of you.

♪

-Aunties, too!
Aunties, too!

-Okay...
-You guys.

-Alright, fam.
Let's tear these presents open.

Come on, chop-chop.
-This is my favorite part!

-♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪

♪ We wish you
a Merry Christmas ♪

-Bernie.

-Honey?

-Whoo!

I love Angel Falls!

Merry Christmas,
movie theatre!

Whoo!

You look great!
-Okay!

-No. It's okay.

I'm okay.
You two are cute together.

You fit.

It's better this way.

-Okay.
-Whoo!

-Thanks, Win!

I know.
It's fine.

♪

-Open the door, Bernie!

[Banging on door,
dog barking in distance]

-What are you
doing here?

Bernie, no.

I know that
it's hard right now,

but I'm your friend,
and I can't let you do this.

You matter, Bernie.

-[Snorts]

You!

-I remember!

-I'm so glad you remember.

Hi.
-Hi.

-Okay, get dressed.

We're gonna go to my house
for breakfast.

And then we're going
to the Clova

for a Christmas
movie marathon!

-Okay.

-Get your shit together, Weirdo.
I don't have all day.

-Don't ever
call me Weirdo again.

-You got it, Bernie.

♪

-♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ You better believe it
♪ Hug me, it's your season

♪ Don't wait another second ♪

♪ Go get yourself that present ♪

♪ Can't be shy
about the glitter ♪

♪ 'Cause you're better
when you glimmer ♪

♪ You can be the sunshine ♪

♪ Shaking up the winter ♪

♪ Joy to the girls
all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all
around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls
all around the world ♪

♪ If you want it,
you can have it ♪

♪ Tis the season,
make it yours ♪

♪ Tis the season

♪ Tis the season of joy

♪ Tis the season

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Go ahead and make it festive ♪

♪ Write a list
and then re-check it ♪

♪ Don't have to
wait till later ♪

♪ Eat the cookies
for your breakfast ♪

♪ There's only one December ♪

♪ Better make it
front and center ♪

♪ This will be the year
that you'll always remember ♪

♪ Joy to the girls
all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all
around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls
all around the world ♪

♪ If you want it,
you can have it ♪

♪ Tis the season,
make it yours ♪

♪ Tis the season

♪ Tis the season of joy

♪ Tis the season

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Tis the season

♪

♪ Tis the season ♪

♪ Tis the season of joy

♪ Joy to the girls
all around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls all
around the world ♪

♪ Joy to the girls
all around the world ♪

♪ If you want it,
you can have it ♪

♪ Tis the season,
make it yours ♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Static]

-So Winnie finally gets her
George Bailey moment,

and all is right
with the world.

The filmmaker said
in an interview that this movie,

"borrowed from
a number of other films,"

including copying a sequence
from "Scream 2."

I didn't recognize it, though.

Maybe it's just me not
remembering "Scream 2"

all that well.

Darcy, do you know what sequence
they were talking about?

-Who were you talking to?

-Camera 1. You know what?
Forget it.

It's not important.
It's...

-Do you need to borrow
my coat?

-Nope.

At this point,
I'd rather freeze to death.

-Is there anyone
that I can call for you?

Family? Friends?
-Apparently not. No.

-Well, all right then.

-Take care.

♪

[Footsteps approaching]

♪

-I prefer you didn't freeze
to death.

Merry Christmas.

♪

-So, have you had enough?

-I had enough
of this sad shtick an hour ago.

-You made the wish, cowboy.

-The movie's over.
Don't leave me in this place.

-All right, man.

Just get a grip and pray to
Santa Claus or something.

-Okay!

-I'm gripping.

I'm gripped.

♪

♪

Wow.

How did we get back here?
-Don't be weird.

-You freed the nipple.
[Laughter]

-Well, I'm working on that.
[Chuckles]

Where have you been?

-I was, uh...

I don't know where I was.

-We've done three
whole breaks without you.

And I discovered an
important lesson for Christmas.

-What is that?

-The world needs
Drive-In Totals.

You must do Drive-In Totals.

-That's what I'm needed for?

-Drive-In Totals.

You count dead bodies,
you count boobs,

you invent these categories.

-But anybody can do that.

-True.

But we need you to do it.
-You do?

-We do.

-Joe Bob, why are you drinking
my paint?

-Paint?
-He's drinking my paint.

-Oh, my God.
-What?

Okay, forget it.

-Wow.

Okay.
Now read this letter.

[Laughter]

-Okay.
-Yeah.

-Paint?

"Dear Joe Bob Briggs,
David Worth here.

I wanted to personally thank you
for your outstanding

presentation of the film
that literally changed

my life and career,
'Death Game.'

As you know, I was the
cinematographer on 'Death Game,'

Eastwood's 'Bronco Billy'
and JCVD's 'Bloodsport.'"

Jean-Claude Van Damme.
-Thank you.

-"Before, I was the director
on Jean-Claude Van Damme's

'Kickboxer,'
Cynthia Rothrock's 'Lady Dragon'

and Dennis Hopper's
'The Profits Game.'

I've had a long career
as a filmmaker,

associate professor and author,

all because of my work
on 'Death Game,'

the pivotal film in my long
and somewhat checkered career.

'Death Game' began my
association with Sondra Locke,

who liked my cinematography

and editing enough to recommend
me to Clint Eastwood.

Sondra and I
would talk several times a year,

and after I saw
'The Gauntlet,'

I called her to say how
proud I was of her performance

up on the big screen
with the big guys, 50/50.

She thanked me
and then mentioned

that Clint had a big battle
with the DP

because he refused to shoot
a scene by campfire light.

I was dumbfounded
because I just shot

an off-road motorcycle film,
'The Great Ride,'

mostly by campfire light.

Then the Divine Miss Locke
asked me

a life-and-career-changing
question.

Sondra said
would you have a reel of that

to drop off at Mal Paso
for Clint to see?

Wham!

That reel is what started
the snowball rolling downhill

that in a few years
became the avalanche

that delivered the script
'Bronco Billy'

to my apartment
in North Hollywood.

And there's much more.

Sometime ask me about
what valuable lessons I learned

while editing 'Death Game.'

Thanks for your time, Joe Bob."

Well, this -- this is great.

I mean, many people say that,
um, uh, Peter Traynor,

even though he was the
official director of the movie,

didn't direct it,
and that David Worth

was the true director
because he,

uh, came in and fix the problems

that were endemic
in that movie.

But thank you, David,
for getting in touch with us.

Um, well, we are in Georgia
tonight, and I'm so glad, Darcy,

that you're not a billionaire
running the Supreme Court.

And, uh...
-Me too?

-Okay.
-Where did that come from?

-I'll tell you later.
-Alright?

But for now, I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

speaking for
Darcy the Mail Girl

when I wish everybody
a very Merry Christmas

and a happy New Year

and reminds you
that Jews don't recognize Jesus,

Protestants don't recognize
the Pope

and Baptists don't recognize
each other in the liquor store.

And the drive-in
will never die.

-That was cute.

-Three friends are killed
in a car accident,

and they all meet up at an
orientation session in heaven.

And the celestial
facilitator asked them what

they would most like
to hear said about themselves

when their friends and relatives
view them in the casket.

And so the first man says,

"I hope people will say
I was a wonderful doctor

and a good family man."

And the second man says,

"I would like to hear people say
that as a school teacher,

I made a big difference
in the lives of children."

And the third man says,
I'd like to hear somebody say,

"Look, he's moving."

[Light laughter]

-Okay.
-Merry Christmas.

-That was a total bomb.
-Merry Christmas.

[Laughter]

-Every time a joke flops,
a lizard gets its wings.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪