All language subtitles for The.Last.Drive-in.with.Joe.Bob.Briggs.S32E01.Rare.Exports.720p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BFM_track3_[eng]

♪

♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪

♪

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs,

and you are watching
"Joe Bob's Christmas Carnage."

-So, are you planning
to tell me

why I'm wearing candles
on my head?

-Yes, I will, Darcy.

And it's a great privilege
and honor

to wear those candles
on your head.

And you wear them well.

And I'll explain why
in just a minute.

But first I have to say that,

you know, there are some nights
on the eternal calendar of days

when the stars are aligned.

The planets are aligned
with Jason's favorite day...

-Whoo!
-...which is today.

The Shudder calendar
is somewhat aligned,

and it's like everything
was meant to be magically

at this moment,
exactly as it should be,

when we do a Christmas special
and we've got the right movie

and the right theme,
and it's on Friday the 13th,

and you know
what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm going to say,
Darcy.

-The meaning of the headpiece
candles?

-We are going to Finland!
We are finally doing it.

We're going to the country
where Santa Claus lives.

Or as they call him in Europe,
"Father Christmas."

-All right.

So, I know
that the movie is from Finland,

but why is this important?

-Because the Finns are
the only people who believe

that Father Christmas
is a villain and a killer.

-Because of this movie?

-No,

because of the ancient Finnish
legends about the joulupukki.

-The what now?
-The goat headman.

The joulupukki,
the goat head man.

He comes to your house
on Christmas Eve

and he stuffs naughty children
into a burlap bag,

and he carries them away,

never to be seen again because
he's boiling them in oil.

He's like Krampus, only scarier.

Sometimes the town
will erect a giant goat headman

in the public square

to celebrate the arrival
of the holiday-season

child kidnapper.

-I feel like probably not
everyone in Finland does that.

-The Finns are gloomy people,
Darcy.

They are not happy
at Christmastime.

-I'm sure the Finns are
like people everywhere.

-Nope! Gloomy.

It's not pleasant in Helsinki
in December,

not to mention at
the Korvatunturi in December,

which is 1,400 kilometers north
of Helsinki

on the border with Russia.

And actually the first scene
of this movie

tonight takes place
at the Korvatunturi.

-You want to tell us
what that is?

-The Korvatunturi, Darcy,
is what's called a "fell,"

or a mountain
that is completely barren

and inside that barren mountain
coated with thick layers of ice

in the winter months,
deep within that mountain,

is the residence and workshop
of Santa Claus.

-Oh!

-Or, if we're in Finland,
the joulupukki.

And tonight is December 13th.

So, do you know what time
sunrise and sunset are

at the Korvantunturi
on December the 13th?

-Of course.
Everyone knows that.

-There is no sunrise or sunset
because there is no sun.

-Well, all right.
I want to go live there, then.

-All right.

We have entered the 26-day
period where the sun disappears,

only to come back on January 4th
for seven minutes.

And then the sun will
gradually start to visit daily,

6 or 8 minutes of sunlight
added each day,

until the Korvatunturi,
the barren mountain,

becomes barely visible
by February

and entirely visible by April.

This is
the geographical landscape

of Santa Claus in Finland.

It's a place
that cannot sustain life.

-Not even reindeer?

[ Laughter ]

-Great point.

-Thank you!
-Great point, Darcy.

Yes, the migrating herds
of reindeer

can survive there on lichen.

And to celebrate the reindeer
of Finland,

actually, reindeer
that are heavily featured

in the plot of tonight's movie,

I have prepared
some reindeer appetizers.

-Oh, my God.
First of all, please tell me,

please tell me that it's
not real reindeer meat.

-It is. I mean,
we couldn't get the good cuts

that they serve in
the finer Helsinki restaurants,

but Stefan's Steakhouse,

that's the place
where tourists go in Helsinki,

because, you know,
it's your last day in Helsinki.

You're going, "Well, we're here.

Might as well try
the reindeer meat."

But if you want
the best sautéed reindeer

with the fried herring --
-That is so nasty.

-...you go to Salve
on the harbor.

S-a-l-v-e -- Salve.

But meanwhile,
there's another thing

that happens
on December the 13th in Finland.

And that's why the candles.

-And?

-You are St. Lucia.

-I am the saint of candles
on your head?

-No.

In Finland, every girl
wants to be St. Lucia

on December the 13th.

They have a national election

to decide who gets to be
St. Lucia

in the Helsinki Cathedral.

And that's followed by leading
the St. Lucia parade

through the streets.

And then each city and town
has its own St. Lucia,

and girls aspire to wear the
white dress with the red sash

and the candelabra helmet.
-All right.

Is that what we're
officially calling this?

-Yeah, because St. Lucia is
the opposite of the joulupukki.

Her job -- and this will be
your job, Darcy --

because you have been elected
the official St. Lucia

of Sanoia, Georgia, even
though you're not even Finnish.

So, it's especially distinctive
for you.

The job of St. Lucia
is to spread cheer and comfort

and goodwill and happiness.

And why? Because there's no sun.
The sun goes away.

So, you're the sun.

-Okay,
but I am not a fan of the sun.

Do I have to be the sun?

-Darcy, this has nothing
to do with skincare.

St. Lucia goes house to house,
delivering food to the poor,

comforting unhappy children.
If you want to go whole hog,

you do your rounds
while riding on a donkey.

-Okay, I'll do that.
-Okay, I'll get you a donkey.

It's Christmas.
We'll spare no expense.

Rental donkeys --
I know we're in Coweta County.

I'm sure there are donkeys here.

-Oh, donkeys are so cute.

-And then during
the rest of the month,

you will visit anywhere
that's depressing,

like nursing homes,
hospitals, prisons,

and you will cheer everybody up.
-All right.

But I also fully
don't understand

why I have candles on the head.
-Darcy...

because you are bringing light
where there's darkness.

You are a symbol of hope
and better times to come.

-Okay, I'm down with that.
Okay.

-Because, Darcy,

you're basically
an optimistic person, right?

-Sure.
-You're not gloomy?

-Um, I have -- I have ways
to deal with gloomy.

-Is it a Finnish liqueur?

-I mean, it could be.
I feel like you know my ways.

-I know you're prepared --
all right.

I know you're preferred
defense against gloom.

-No gloom!

I would be a lot more optimistic
right now and full of cheer

if you would introduce
that movie for us.

-Good plan. Okay.
-Yay!

-Our movie tonight is
"Rare Exports."

And what we have here
is the sensitive story

of Pietari, a Finnish boy,
trying to convince his dad --

who is distracted

because the reindeer they
depend on for their livelihood

have all been slaughtered --

to convince dad
that a mine in a nearby mountain

is drilling
into Santa Claus' tomb.

Why would Santa be buried
under a mountain, you ask?

Because this is the enormous
goat-face joulupukki

that the Sami people, the last
reindeer herders in the world,

locked up in the mountain.

And basically, you know,
this -- this joulupukkiguy,

he makes Krampus
look like a pussy.

-[Gasps] How dare you!

-And he is about to get out.
Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with Santa's
elves as an army of grimy,

naked old men
with their whangdoodles flopping

around in the snow?

I think not.
-We have not!

-Let's take a look at
those drive-in totals.

We have seven dead bodies,

one not-so-dead body,
one dead pig, 433 dead reindeer,

198 naked Santa Clauses,
multiple frigid whangdoodles,

hatchet to the skull,
one 65-foot layer of sawdust,

one Santa Claus
research montage,

full frontal
El-Flagrante-Delicto-Elfo,

elf herding, elves in cages,
child kidnapping,

potato-sack stealing,

attempted Santa's-Elf
trafficking,

pit-trap construction,

reindeer roundup,
advent-calendar stapling,

potato-sack stealing,
Santa defrosting,

gratuitous gingerbread,
ear rolls.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations

for Jonathan Hutchings
as the businessman

who finances the dig
to find Santa, for saying,

"This mountain
is like a giant icebox."

Rauno Juvonen
for making the mistake

of offering gingerbread
to Santa's helper,

and for saying, "Just think
what he could be worth,

the original, real Santa Claus."

Jorma Tommila as the dad
for telling his heroic boy,

"You're quite a man",
and for saying,

"Have a merry Christmas
and a happy, bloody New Year."

And Onni Tommila, the kid,
for being a local badass

and for saying, "It's either me
or Santa. I suggest Santa."

Three stars -- Joe Bob says,
"Check it out."

Now...is this cultural
expropriation

what we're doing here?

-What do you mean?

-I mean, are
we taking symbols and traditions

that are sacred
to the Finnish people

and using them
for our own purposes?

-I feel like that's
exactly what we're doing, yeah.

-Well,
I'm actually okay with that,

although I suppose we
could go to the Upper Peninsula

of Michigan
and ask the people there

if they mind us doing this.

-Why?

-Because the Upper Peninsula
of Michigan

is the only place in America

where Finns make up
a majority of the population.

-Are they gloomy?

-I've never been there, but I
think they are gloomy, actually.

-Why?

-Well, Hemingway wrote about
that area, and he was gloomy.

-Was he Finnish?

-No.

But if you swim with Finns,
you know what they say.

-I don't, and I don't think
you do, either.

-Actually, I don't.
-Okay.

-But what I know is
they are serious people, Darcy.

They do not tell fart jokes.

[Laughter]

-Welcome
to the Yuki Yuletide Network,

your nonprofit destination
for unbridled Christmas joy.

All through the night,

we'll be auctioning
off screen-used props,

experiences, and unique gifts

that's sure to bring a smile
to the mutants in your life.

And, as always,
the proceeds go to charity.

In addition to tonight's
auction items,

you can receive event-exclusive
merchandise from Fright Rags

for donating at set amounts.

For a donation of $50,
you will receive a Joe Bob's

"Christmas Carnage" T-shirt.

For a donation of $100,
you will receive the T-shirt

and this unique "The Last Drive"
towel

featuring Darcy and Joe Bob.

And for a donation of $150,
you will get the T-shirt, towel,

and tonight's very special item,
the Joe Bob Briggs Ugly Sweater.

This fashionable pullover
sweater is based on one

of Joe Bob's
classic Western looks,

featuring a bolo design
on the front

and Joe Bob's signature
on the back.

To donate or bid, go to
JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

All proceeds will go to
tonight's worthy charity.

The Yuki Yuletide Network,

celebrating the reason
for this season --

blood, brass,
and the Baby Jesus.

♪

♪

-This is what's
been worrying me.

Drilling sample number 76,
from 1,300 foot.

See, we finally found
something else than just

plain rocks and dirt.

Have a look for yourself, sir.

♪

♪

Sawdust.

See, at first I thought we'd
drilled into some old tree

or something, but no.

This level of sawdust
is 65 foot thick.

I mean, it doesn't add up.

It doesn't make sense.

-It does.

In the olden days,
people used to store ice

by encasing it in sawdust.

-Yeah, but what do you mean?
What are you trying to say?

-This mountain
is like a giant icebox.

-For storing what?

-Drill deep and you will see.

-Well, I am.
They're drilling as we speak.

[Machine creaking]

-Make sure everyone
has one of these.

-What are these?

-It's the new
safety instructions.

-Wash behind the ears?

This is funny shit.

-Watch your mouth!

It's Christmastime,
so let's act like it.

-[Speaking Finnish]

-Shh!

[Machines thunking]

-Sample number 98.

I think you were right.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

-Always believe.

Always.

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

Gentlemen, listen up.

My dream
since my early childhood

is about to come true.

♪

I can proudly say

that we are standing
on a sacred grave,

on the biggest burial
mound in the world.

-[Speaking Finnish]

-This remarkable place puts
even the pyramids to shame.

It took the Sami people
of Lapland centuries

to build this mound.

You have 24 days to open it.

Roll up your sleeves.

Prepare the dynamite.

Do what you do best.

You have a grave to rob.

[Crow cawing]

-[Panting]

[Booming]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Children laughing, screaming]

♪

♪

♪

[Children crying]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Explosion]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Wolves howling in distance]

♪

[Wind blowing]

[Thud]

-[Gasps]

[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Banging on door]

[Bird squawking]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Banging]

[Men shouting, cheering]

♪

[Cheering, laughter]

♪

-[Giggles]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Engine starts]

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-[Sniffles]

[Rifle cocks, fires]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

[Rifle clicks]

[Rifle clicks]

[Faint radio noises]

[Static crackling]

[Radio noise continues]

[Clattering]

[Wind howling]

[Rattling]

[Radio noise continues]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm Joe Bob Briggs.

This is
"Joe Bob's Christmas Carnage."

And like any good
Christmas movie,

this is one

where the kids always know
more than the adults.

But just in
these first sequences,

director Jalmari Helander
has evoked a whole culture

and a way of life

that I would guess most people
have never seen before,

even if they live in Finland.

Reindeer herding
is such a specialized form

of animal husbandry

that 90% of the people who do it
are from one ethnic group,

a tribe actually called
the Sami.

And they're so respected
by the Scandinavian countries

that they're allowed
to cross the borders

of Norway and Sweden and Finland

without a passport
or even a checkpoint,

so they can follow
the traditional migration

patterns of the reindeer.

They cannot, however,
cross the Russian border,

And Korvatunturi, the mountain

where Santa was buried,
is right on that border

between the two countries.

One other factoid

that will make the movie
more fun to watch is Pietari,

the main kid,
the protagonist of the story,

is the real-life son
of his father in the movie,

the great Finnish actor
Jorma Tormilla,

and Jorma Tormilla

is married
to the sister of the director,

Jalmari Helander.

And I can't say
any of these names,

but the Finnish indie
film industry is very small.

So, also, now,

welcome to the 2024 "Last
Drive-In" Christmas auction,

which begins now.

And as you turkeys should know
by now, we do this every year.

We raise money
for four charities each year.

And those charities
always represent the stable

in Bethlehem, where
the first Christmas happened.

So, we have a women's
charity for Mary, the mom.

We have a children's charity
for the baby Jesus.

We have an animal charity
because it's a stable,

and we have a charity
for the dispossessed

or the outcasts of the world,

because everybody involved
in the Christmas story

was involved in a struggle
for survival.

So, Christmas is about bringing
hope into the world,

and we choose our charities
with that in mind.

So, our women's charity
for this year's auction

is the Breast Cancer
Research Foundation.

Now, for the past 31 years,

this organization has had
one goal --

to end breast cancer forever.
And to do that,

they provide resources for
the most brilliant scientific

and medical minds in the world
to do the kind of basic research

that allows them
to look for solutions

that nobody else has thought of.

Our children's charity this year

is the Children
of Fallen Patriots Foundation.

When a service member dies
in the line of duty,

this organization steps up
to make sure his

or her children get a
fully paid college scholarship.

Our animal charity is the
Pacific Marine Mammal Center,

which rescues and rehabilitates
sea lions and seals

that are suffering from disease
or malnutrition or injuries.

They get injured a lot
in the Pacific.

And our charity
for the suffering

is called Family Promise.

And what they have done
for the past 30 years

is take in entire families
that are homeless,

and they get them set up
with affordable housing and jobs

so that both the parents and the
children can have a stable life.

So, when you buy something
through "The Last Drive-In"

Christmas auction,
you're not just making us happy,

you're making the world
a happier place,

and you're doing what
you're supposed to do all year.

But we do it at Christmas
to remind ourselves

of how we're all interconnected.

Okay, Darcy,
or I should say St. Lucia,

have you been spreading
good vibes and happiness

around the set?

-I have, right?

I spread happiness
in the makeup room,

and then I spread
happiness in my dressing room,

so happy back there.

And then I spread some happiness
in the break room.

-Okay, well, you know why we
don't know more about the Finns?

-Um,
are we changing the subject now?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

It's because the Finns
were one of the first

immigrant groups, way
back in the 17th century.

So, we don't remember.

but there's this place
in New Jersey

where they say they have
the oldest wooden structure

in North America
that's still standing.

It's a house called
the Nothnagle House,

and it was built
by this Finnish guy in 1638.

And I don't know whether
Nothnagle is a Finnish name

or not.
I don't think it is.

But anyway,
one time I drove by there

to see the Nothnagle House.

And it's privately owned,

and the owner happened to be
there, and he invited me inside.

And damn,
those Finns can do construction.

That thing is solid
as a rock!

Well, coming up on 400 years,
I was inside the house.

It's amazing.

So, the Finns have been
here a long time,

but somehow they didn't bring
Goat Head Santa Claus with them.

They just left it over
in Lapland.

-I'm going to vote.
That was a yes.

-Okay.
-To changing the subject.

-Yes, it was. We're starting
on a whole new subject.

But the spirit,

the subject, or the real
subject, is Christmas

and the Christmas spirit

and the joy we take
from a fictional Santa Claus

who's about to rise up
from a deep grave

and cause mischief among
the workers from Rovaniemi,

which is the only big town up
there where this movie is made.

It's the capital of Lapland,
where they have,

well, they have this place
called Santa Claus Village,

with live reindeer and lots
of frisky elves.

-I mean, this is
not sounding gloomy to me.

-Well, it's not gloomy,

but they just do that
for tourists, you know?

They have 600,000 tourists
a year,

and they tell them
that Santa lives there,

but he really lives seven hours
to the north of there,

on this bad road that
you have to pass through Russia

to get to the mountain.

So, nobody sane would
go up there in the first place.

-Are you telling me that they
lie about where Santa lives?

-They do lie about
where Santa lives

for the sake of the children,
though, Darcy,

because I mean, well, what city
is going to bill itself

as the city close
to where Santa lives?

You know?
-Okay, fair.

-So, anyway, uh,
reindeer canapé?

-Oh, my God, no.

-Okay, this might be
your only chance.

-I am so good. Please stop.
-All right.

Back to the movie.
They are delicious, though.

-Stop.
-Only 7% fat.

Very lean meat product.

And it doesn't have
that gamey taste

like squirrel, you know?

-You eat squirrel, too?
-No, I outgrew squirrel.

But, I mean,
squirrels are the only animal

you can kill with a BB gun.

So, kids eat squirrels.
You have to.

What does your dad always say?

What does your dad say?
If you have a gun?

-I don't know.
I can't imagine.

-"We only kill what we eat."

If you kill it,
you have to eat it.

-Oh, so you ate a lot
of squirrel when you were a kid?

-Well, I ate some squirrel.

I threw a lot of dead squirrels
into the Arkansas River.

But, uh...
-You're just awful, awful.

-No, it's not awful.

I mean, the alligator
would nibble on them

until they look like
somebody threw dirty underwear

into a ripped-up dish towel.

And then they kind of float
down through the locks,

and they wash up
in the Mississippi Delta.

-So...

-I feel like that's enough
about squirrels.

-It is enough about squirrels.
I agree with you, Darcy.

[Laughter]

-Welcome back
to the Yuki Yuletide Network.

The next auction item took
at least two parallel universes

to create.
This handsome,

mounted, scary rabbit hat
is ready to display

in your hunting den
or living room.

This dreaded creature
was last seen

on the "Donnie Darko" episode
of the show,

when Darcy used a dangerous
Frisbee to get a clean kill.

Joy to the world.

Impress your friends at
your next backyard tiki party,

or just drink away
your sorrows in style

with a set of six
custom rocks glasses,

each with "The Last Drive-In"
logo printed on the side.

These glasses have only
ever been sold at special events

and will not be on sale again.

To bid on tonight's items, go to
JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Sniffles]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-This is Subzero One.

-Oh, finally.

We've tried contacting you
a thousand times.

Where are you?

-We are landing tomorrow.

Is the cargo ready?

-No!

We have to cancel
the whole operation.

It's not what you think.

-I repeat,
is the cargo ready?

-Cargo?
Don't you understand?

It still has a pulse!

-Calm down, Mr. Greene.

Just follow
the safety instructions.

-Fuck your safety
instructions!

[Clattering in distance]

What the fuck?

♪

[Man talking on radio
in background]

[Radio continues]

[Wind howling]

-[Yells]

-[Panting]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Metal rattling]

[Door creaks, shuts]

[Groaning]

[Urinating]

[Thud]

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Rifle cocks]

♪

[Zips pants]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

-[Groans]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in one horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Oh, jingle...
[Music stops]

-I think this may be
the only movie I've ever seen

that has zero women in it.

I mean, there's that very
brief mention of Pietari's mom

when they're eating
the gingerbread, but that's it.

And we don't know what happened.

I think we can assume
the mom is dead.

But then there's that moment
where Pietari says,

"What if I disappeared?",
because he knows

that A -- they already
dug up Santa,

and B -- Santa is
a serial killer of children,

and his dad, as dads will do,

simply dodged that question.

If you're a kid in Finland,

Santa doesn't come in the middle
of the night like in the U.S.

Santa actually knocks
on your door on Christmas Eve,

and when you open the door,

he says, "Are there any
well-behaved children here?"

So -- So think about that.

That question has to be
addressed.

Not to you, but to your parents.

Your parents can sell you
down the river at any moment.

They can tell Santa
you're not well behaved

and you end up in a burlap sack
headed for a woodchipper.

You know, that's a lot
more frightening than a Santa

who just leaves lumps of coal
in your stocking.

And this is the nice
Finnish Santa.

This is the one that's
been watered down from the times

when Santa would boil
bad kids in oil.

You know, they obviously
love Christmas in Finland.

Um, you know,

how else do you get
Santa knocking on the doors

of every kid's house?

That's a huge cast.

You got to recruit people
for that.

Plus, all year long,
the kids are warned

that they're being constantly
watched by Santa's elves,

and then they're kind of forced
into writing a letter to Santa.

That's required.

And meanwhile,

the adults are participating in
a tradition called Pikkujoulut,

which means hitting the streets
and drinking until you pass out.

-Pikkujoulut.
-But to me,

the strangest of all Finnish
Christmas traditions

is what everybody does
on Christmas Eve morning.

They turn on
the national TV channel

and they watch Santa Claus
talk to kids on the phone.

It's called the Santa Claus
Hotline,

and it's live from Rovaniemi,
the capital of Lapland.

And of course,
every kid tries to get online,

but only a handful get through.

And then the coolest of all
Finnish Christmas traditions

is what they call joulurauha,

which translates
as Christmas peace.

They have a ceremony in Turku,
the oldest city in Finland,

to declare December 25th
a day of peace.

And in the event
that the Finnish military

is engaged in any kind of
conflict anywhere in the world,

they stop fighting.

And, you know,

and I've only --
I've really only

scratched the surface
with my survey

of Finnish Christmas traditions,
Lucia.

And I haven't even told you
about the rice porridge.

-Ooh, that sounds good,
actually.

-Yeah. I mean,
it may be the only vegan thing

that they do over there.

Uh, you hide an almond
in the porridge,

and whoever gets the almond
will be lucky next year.

-I like that.
Let's do that one.

-All right.

There's a lot of cuteness
going on over there

because it's cold and it's dark,
so you got to be cute.

-But are they used to it
being cold and dark?

-Yeah,
they are totally used to it.

But that's also
why they're gloomy, though.

I mean, their default emotion
is gloom.

Has anybody even smiled
in this whole movie?

-They don't smile in Europe.

-That's true.
Why don't they smile in Europe?

It's true.
They never smile in Europe.

-And they think
Americans are stupid

because we smile
so frickin much.

-I've heard that.
-I have, too.

-Well, most of us
in America were never Vikings.

I mean, we never wore tunics
or carried maces or whatever.

You know.

They say, "You're such a young
country."

They always say that.
What does that mean?

Why does that matter?

That's like saying,
"Damn teenagers."

You know, that's like
institutional old fart language.

Anyway, they're about
to check his body.

Check this body
that they just found.

So let's see what happens as we
get back to "Rare Exports".

Roll the flick.

-So, can I take this off now?
-Your candelabra helmet?

Darcy, I don't think you should
take that off until January.

-Okay. It's coming off then.

-You know, it's too bad
you can't go into a Helsinki bar

tonight dressed like that,
because --

-Why is that?
-Because all the men

would buy you free drinks.
-What?

Aren't I supposed to be,
like, a real saint?

-Yeah, and that's
what would turn them on.

They would want to corrupt you.
-Oh, I am already corrupted.

-Oh, that is crazy talk, Lucia.

I mean,
you are the angel of nice.

You are not corrupt in any way.

-What more
can they do at this point?

Let's be honest.
-Don't make me start, I...

I'll start St. Lucia
impeachment proceedings

if you keep that up.

-They have that?
I can be un-sainted?

-Yeah.
-Oh.

Okay, I won't do that.

-The Yuki Yuletide Network.

Your destination
for last minute gifts

for the horror hound
in your life.

Tonight's next charity
item is a customized

Darcy bat, barb wired up just
like the infamous Lucille bat

used by Negan
on "The Walking Dead".

This screen-used bat was wielded
by Darcy when she and Joe Bob

featured "The Walking Dead"
pilot on the show.

Bring home the Christmas Magic
today

with his hyper violent
zombie slugger.

Stuff your stocking
with the 4-in-1 snack

super stack!

The Sky Bar Gift Set
is the ultimate gift

for niche candy bar lovers
everywhere.

It includes a Sky Bar ball cap,
two Sky Bar mugs,

a Sky Bar T-shirt sized XL,

a bottle of 92-proof
Litchfield Bourbon Whiskey,

a Sky Bar keychain,
and of course,

a box of Sky Bars for you
and your family to enjoy.

The gift box will be
autographed by Joe Bob,

Darcy, and Mr. Sky Bar himself.

To bid on tonight's items, go to
JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

[Machine whirring]

[Whirring stops]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Pietari.

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

[Solemn music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Stifled gag]

♪

[Whispers] Hello?

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Gasps weakly]

-Hmm?

-[Muttering]

[Vehicle approaching]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

-How do you like the land
of the Northern Lights?

♪

[Speaking Finnish]

♪

[Rifle clicks]

♪

♪

-Wake up, Grandpa.

We need money.

[Line disconnects]

[Receiver clatters]

[Suspenseful music plays]

-Where are your friends?

-What did you dig
inside the mountain?

-We keep you here
till somebody pay.

[Rifle clicks]

Last chance, asshole.

Rauno here will ask
the next question,

and he don't speak English.

[Knocking on door]

♪

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

-Down! Down, boy!

Go down!

[Gunshot]

[All crunching]

[Chain creaking]

[Solemn music plays]

♪

[Radio crackling]

-This is Subzero One,
do you read me?

-Mr. Greene,
is everything okay?

We are landing in 30 minutes.

-Mr. Greene,
is Santa ready to fly?

-Shh, shh!

♪

Rauno from Finland.

♪

♪

We have Santa Claus.

-Who is this?

Where is Mr. Greene?

-So at this point,

these men who have studied
the habits of reindeer

all their lives are pretty sure
they have Santa Claus

because of his acute sense
of smell.

Whenever a child is around,
in this case, Pietari,

the strange old man perks up
like the reindeer do

when they smell food
under the snow.

Because reindeer never dig
in the snow

unless there's food down there.

They know in advance
that there's food there.

But these men of nature,
these mountain men, they know,

or it's slowly dawning on them

that children, for this guy,
are food.

So of course
the Americans want him.

They probably have
some nefarious plan

to harness the child
destroying power of Santa Claus

and use it for profit.

It's like putting a tax
on Christmas.

"You want this to be
a merry Christmas?

Pay up or we let him out",
you know.

You know, you see this
in a lot of European movies.

Why is that corporation evil?

Because it's
an American corporation.

Europe has a really strange view
of the American mind

and the American culture,

and that they think
we're shallow, shortsighted,

always greedy,
always contemptuous of others.

And yet we control
the levers of the universe.

So we're always doing things

that impact all the other people
in the world in a horrific way.

Um, for example, in Finland,

they talk about the quote,
"Coca-Cola Santa Claus".

That's a phrase
that they use in Finland.

That's a way of saying
that that jolly, corpulent,

red suited, rosy cheeked,
gift giving Santa Claus,

that was invented by Coca-Cola
for advertising purposes.

It's a myth. It's not true.

And yet the director
of this movie himself

uses the phrase all the time
when he gives interviews.

He says his movie
is an answer

to the Coca-Cola
Santa Clause.

And many otherwise sane
journalists

have repeated that
on the internet

after interviewing this guy.

"The rosy cheeked Santa
was created by Coke in 1931."

They even actually give the date
of when it was invented.

But the poem
"The Night Before Christmas",

which I would think
everybody is familiar with,

you know, even if English
is not your first language,

that poem is pretty much
the same Santa

that appears in
the Coca-Cola ads of the 1930's,

but the poem was written in 1822
and published in 1823.

So 110 years earlier,

Clement Clarke Moore
was a professor

at, um, General Theological
Seminary in New York City,

and he wrote the poem
for his children.

So why would everybody
in Finland believe

that Coke invented
the modern Santa?

Because those famous drawings
of the jolly fat Santa

that Coke used in the '30s
were created by a Finn.

[Laughter]

Haddon Sundblom.
Haddon Sundblom.

[Laughs] What a name
-True.

-He was... [Laughs]

He was born to a Swedish mother
and a father from Finland

in that part of Michigan
that I talked about earlier

where all
the Finnish immigrants settled.

Okay.

All right, quick digression

because I want to talk
about this.

-It's way too late for that.
-All right.

Most of the Finns who
immigrated to the United States

between 1870 and 1930, they were
not like the other countries.

They were not doing it because
of any hardship in Finland.

Everybody was just fine
in Finland.

They had the idea
that you could move to the U.S.,

get rich, and then go back home
10 years later.

And there were
resettlement agencies

that promoted this myth
and sold passages on ships

and created these waves
of Finnish immigration,

which were easier to arrange
than, say, Italian immigration,

because the Finns had ancestors
who had been in America

since the early 17th century.

You know, the ones who came over
right after the pilgrims.

Anyway, Haddon Sundblom
was born

into one of these upwardly
mobile families.

They were Swedish speakers,
but they were from Finland.

And he graduated from
the American Academy of Art.

And it's true,
beginning in 1931,

he created this series
of ads and billboards

for Coke that were popular,
and they were everywhere.

And they featured Santa Claus
as this robust,

jolly, Coke drinking guy.

But the basis of his image
for Santa

was the Clement Clarke Moore
poem

that was written
110 years earlier,

and Sundblom also created
Sprite Boy for Coke.

But nobody remembers Sprite Boy,

but everybody remembers Santa.

Uh, just like today,

Coke is known for its
Coke drinking polar bear, right?

-Yeah.
-That's Ken Stuart.

Ken Stuart was the digital
artist who created that ad.

Um, anyway,

this issue is apparently
so important to the people

of Finland that director
Jalmari Helander

could declare that
"Rare Exports" is a campaign

to destroy
Coca-Cola Santa Claus.

And most people in Finland
would go,

"Yeah, it's about time.

About time. They did that."

But nobody blames
Clement Clarke Moore.

You know, in fact, the
General Theological Seminary,

where "The Night Before
Christmas" was written,

still stands on
West 21st Street in Manhattan.

It takes up a whole city block

in the fashionable
Chelsea neighborhood.

But I don't even think they have
a plaque up for the guy.

You know, I've never met anybody
who actually attended

or taught at the
General Theological Seminary,

and I've spent a lot of time
in New York City.

And the reason is that
they only have about 50 students

at any given time.

The thing is huge. Huge.

So they have 50 students
studying

to be Episcopal priests,

and they have six professors.

That must be the most
comfortable campus in the world,

because the faculty and students

have that huge place
all to themselves.

Anyway, sorry St. Lucia,

I got kind of carried away with
that right as they were making

the decision
to hold Santa Claus for ransom.

So, back to the movie.
-Yeah, you did.

-See, I got back to where
we were supposed to be.

Did you ever see Sprite Boy?

-Uh, he was before my time.

-He was before everybody's
time.

But Sprite Boy looked like --

He looked like he was
about 10 years old.

And he had those big
surprise saucer eyes,

like somebody just goosed him
with a cattle prod,

and he had a swirl
of white hair.

Kind of like the hair
on Bob's Big Boy.

If you remember that statue
that used to stand out

in front of diners, you know?

And Sprite Boy's hat.

This is the best part.
His hat was a Coke bottle cap.

This giant Coke bottle cap.

I think they were trying
to let you know

that Sprite was part of Coke.

-Why would they do that?
-I have no idea.

Because if you're selling
Sprite,

why would you want
people to think of Coke?

But Sprite Boy was scary
as fuck is my point.

I mean,
he looked like he was on coke.

Those eyes looked like
he was grooving on the third day

of a cocaine trip.

Look up sprite boy some time.

It's terrifying.

-Oh, everyone's Googling
Sprite Boy right now,

and I want those pictures,
please.

-Well, I'm warning you,
once you see Sprite Boy,

you can't unsee Sprite Boy.
-I'm going to see him right now.

-Welcome back
to the Yuki Yuletide Network's

charity auction.

Let's see what's
in Santa's bag this time.

Attention, bookworms.

We are auctioning off
a gargantuan set

of horror film novelizations,

including such horror
heavyweights as "Fright Night",

"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes",
"Squirm", "The Barn", "Vamp",

and a novelization of "Hardcore"

based on the film
featuring George C. Scott.

There are many more titles
as well,

so check the listing
on the auction site

for details on titles
and autographs.

And now for another piece
of history.

Originally distributed
as a crew gift

and rare promotional item
for Joe Bob's very first show,

this bolo tie
is the last one left

from Joe Bob's
personal collection.

Add it to your Western jewelry
repertoire this holiday season.

To bid on tonight's items, go to
JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Wind howling]

[Helicopter blades whirring
in distance]

-Who are you?
Where are my men?

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-Yeah, yeah, we are men.

Let's do business.

-Business?
What kind of business?

What do you want?

-$85,000.

-Hey.

Where is the cargo?

♪

[Wind howling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Shh.

Put down your weapons
and smile

as nice as you can.

And move slowly
and do exactly as I say.

-This is not Santa.

-What?

-It's one of Santa's
little helpers.

-Goddamn it.

Santa is going to find out

who is naughty or nice.

-[Man screaming]

[Suspenseful music plays]

-They're protecting
their master.

[Thud]

[Gunfire]

[Heartbeat]

[Water trickling]

[Heartbeat continues]

[Muffled whimpering]

[Children crying]

♪

-[Shouting]

[Cracking]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

[Wind howling]

♪

[Gunshot]

[Triumphant music plays]

♪

-When a 10-year-old boy says,
"Somebody's going to die.

Either me or Santa.

I suggest Santa",

that -- that is the turning
point of the movie

when Pietari becomes the badass

we kind of knew he was.

Onni Tommila,
that young boy, would later star

in another Jalmari Helander
movie called "Big Game",

with Samuel L. Jackson
as the president,

who ends up in the mountains
of northern Finland

after Air Force One
crashes there,

and Onni helps him fight
psychotic big game hunters.

And his father, Jorma Tommila,

his father
in the movie and in real life

would also star in another
Jalmari Helander movie, "Sisu",

which is a World War II
movie about Nazis

trying to steal gold as they
retreat from Finland.

And "Sisu", they call
that the Finnish Rambo.

And it's the movie when
Jalmari Helander

got to fully realize
his ambition

of being a great action
director,

because his favorite movie
is "Die Hard".

Um, "Rare Exports"
is not an action movie,

but it ends
with a thrilling action sequence

that is unique and uplifting,

and it's what makes
this ultimately

a great Christmas movie.

So let's watch it now
as we move

toward the totally unpredictable
conclusion of "Rare Exports".

Roll it.

What they do in Finland really

is they kind of combine
Christmas and Halloween

into one holiday,

like the tradition
of putting the tinsel

on the Christmas tree.

The tinsel is originally
spider webs, so...

-Ooh, I like that.
-And not to mention

the traditions of threatening
to kidnap everybody's children

and beating kids with branches
until they bleed.

And the giant Christmas goat man
who lives in the mountain,

plus the dead are said to walk
the earth on Christmas Eve.

And cattle speak
in human voices that night.

And so all this is
Halloween type stuff.

-I really love that.
-And I knew you would.

And of course,

you already celebrate
Halloween starting on July 5th.

-Yes.
-So if you lived in Finland,

you could have
continuous Halloween

from July 5th to January 13th.
-Why the 13th?

-[Laughs] Because that's
Saint Knut's Day

when the Christmas
celebrations are winding down.

And it's also the week
the sun starts coming back,

so they're happy.

And the young men of Finland

dress up
in elaborate goat costumes,

and they roam from house
to house,

demanding all the leftover food
and drink from the holidays.

Mostly the drink.

And if you don't give it
to them, they wreck your house.

So they're known
as the Nuuttipukki,

and they mostly demand
the leftover liquor.

So anyway, uh, you get seven
months of Halloween in Finland.

-That's amazing.

But you also get a lot of drunks
terrorizing the neighborhood.

-Exactly.

Finnish alcoholics in goat
costumes, scaring the children.

-I feel like I'm okay with this.

[Laughter]

-The Yuki Yuletide Network.

It's no secret that
Darcy adores the immortal art

of professional wrestling.

And if you do, too, then
this next experience is for you.

You can bid on the chance
to join her

and Joe Bob for an
AEW Experience

where they will take two people
out to a live AEW event

to cheer for bloodshed and
redemption right by the ring.

Visit the auction listing
for more details

about this all elite experience.

Get ready to feel the burn
and feel the pump.

You can now bid on Joe Bob's
muscle building miracle,

the powerful vibration plate

he showed off during
the "Death Spa" episode.

-[Speaks indistinctly]

-Are you okay?
Do you need to step away?

-But to get a true
full-body workout,

you'll also need Joe Bob's
trusty arm thingy,

which is sure to get jealous
stares at the gym.

Give the gift of fitness
this holiday season for charity.

Bid online now at
JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.

[Wind howling]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

-[Sniffs]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Rapid beeping]

[Beeping stops]

-Ready for takeoff.

[Dramatic music plays]

[Children crying]

[Helicopter blades whirring]

[Suspenseful music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Chainsaw revving]

♪

[Revving continues]

♪

[Helicopter blades whirring]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Cheering]

♪

[Chainsaw revving]

-[Grunting]

♪

♪

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Electricity crackling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Laughing]

-Light up the Northern Lights.

[Laughing continues]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Whispering indistinctly]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Water running]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Wow. six minutes of credits.

[Laughter]

Helander obviously had
a lot of help

making this low budget Jim.

Um, my favorite production story
is the casting of the old men

who played the elves.

Um, they just went into one
of the villages,

and they asked random men
if they would be in the movie

and be totally nude
in the movie.

Full frontal.

And almost 100% of them said,
"Yeah, sure,

we want to do it."

And they were sort of
fascinated by the idea.

Now, the problem with filming
senior citizens naked

on the tundra is that you can
only shoot

for 40 seconds at a time.

Any more than that,
and you risk hypothermia.

So Helander would bring them
out, shoot 40 seconds,

and then send them back
into a little Quonset hut.

It was called the Elf Box,
and it had heaters and coffee,

and the men would play cards

until they were
totally restored to normalcy.

And then they would go out

and do another 40 seconds
of filming.

What's funny, though,

is that the men would never
put on clothes

while playing cards.

They just stayed naked
through the whole process,

and I attribute that actually
to the Finnish sauna culture.

You know how big saunas are
in Finland?

Everybody in Finland
goes to saunas all the time,

and in Finnish saunas
you stay naked

the whole time you're there.

Anyway, "Rare Exports"
was a surprise hit

at several film festivals

back in 2010, and ended up
being seen all over the world,

and the success of Helander

inspired other filmmakers
from the Scandinavian countries,

to the point that now there is
a genre called Nordsploitation.

Um, "The Innocence",
a Norwegian thriller

about kids
with supernatural powers.

Uh, "Hatching" body horror film
from Finland.

Uh, "Speak No Evil", uh, Danish
psychological horror film.

These are all extremely
well made films

just in the past three years.

And in Rovaniemi,
the capital of Lapland,

the home of Santa Claus village,
there has developed a new type

of crime TV series
called Reindeer Noir.

Um, shows that use
the unforgiving landscapes

of northern Finland
to create this creepy atmosphere

where the Russian mafia
makes appearances

and the police jet around
on snowmobiles

and evil criminals use
the remoteness of the area

to cloak their
international crimes.

And so, you know,
here's my question.

What would Ingmar Bergman think
of all this? [Laughs]

-I feel like he'd love it.

Didn't Roger Corman say
he loved it

when his movies were shown
in all the Texas drive-ins?

-Actually he did.

That was one point
that Roger Corman made.

And...so you're right.

-Okay, so speaking of Texas,

you're gonna want to take
action on the mailbag tonight.

It's from Carole Amato
of Shelton, Connecticut.

-Okay. I'm going to want
to take action.

-You'll see.
-"Hi, Joe Bob.

My husband and I are huge fans
and proud Mutant Family members.

I am actually in the process
of designing the next line

of Texas-themed lighters
for BIC."

You can tell from the bottom
of this thing,

she works at BIC

"And I thought of you.

Is there anything particular

you'd like to see showcased
on a BIC lighter

that best represents
this beautiful state?

Let me know.

Looking forward to seeing
your next feature on Shudder.

Carol Amato,
Shelton, Connecticut."

This is a cool thing, right?
-Right.

-Is Shelton, Connecticut,
where BIC is based?

-Uh,
it's actually a French company,

but Shelton might be
their U.S. headquarters.

-I know the founder of BIC
was named Bich.

You know, but -- but I didn't
know that was a French name.

-Anyway.
-I think the founder

was named bitch.

-The founder was named bitch?
Really?

-Yeah.
-And they shortened it to Bich

for political correctness?

-Something like that.
I promise you.

Look it up.
-Well, uh, anyway,

what would I like to see on a
BIC lighter that's Texas-themed?

Longhorn.

-No. Boring.
It's, like, predictable.

-The actual Lone Star.
-Boring.

-A chainsaw.

-Yes. Yes. Yes.
-Okay. Uh.

Okay.
-We solved it.

-Carol. Uh, a chainsaw.

You got to do it.
-Yeah.

-Do it for the Mutant Family.
-I will buy that lighter.

-I want to see that
BIC lighter with a chainsaw.

And that's it for me,
Joe Bob Briggs.

But don't go away,
because we got lots more

Christmas carnage coming up
in our second movie.

But right now, I'm speaking
for myself and Darcy,

the mail girl, when I say
it's lonely at the top,

but you eat better.

And the drive-in will never die.

-True.
-Burglar breaks into a house

and shines his flashlight
around looking for valuables,

and a voice in the dark says,
"Jesus knows you're here."

And the burglar kind of jumps

and he clicks his flashlight off
and he freezes.

But he didn't hear anything
else.

So after a while,
he continues his job,

and just
as he's pulling the stereo out

to disconnect the wires
on the stereo,

he hears the voice again.
"Jesus is watching you."

And he's startled
and he looks around frantically

and he searches
for the source of the voice.

And finally the flashlight
beam comes to rest

in the corner of the room
where he sees

it's a parrot.

And he says,
"Did you say that?"

He says the parrot.

And the parrot says, "Yes,
I'm just trying to warn you."

And the burglar relaxes
and he says, "Warn me.

Who in the world are you?"
And the bird says, "Moses."

And the burglar laughs,
and he says,

"What kind of people
would name a bird Moses?"

The parrot says,
"The same kind of people

who would name a Rottweiler
Jesus."

[Laughter]
-Okay, okay.

-I thought
that one would score.

-It kind of does.
-I thought that one would --

All right. I thought that
was going to kill.

Okay.

Um...guy's wife disappears
in a kayaking accident in Maine.

A few days later,
two Coast Guard officers

come to the guy's door,

and they say,
"We're sorry, Mr. Grover,

But we have some information
about your wife.

And the guy says, "Tell me,
did you find her?"

And the officer says,
"We have some bad news,

some good news,
and some really great news."

And so Grover fears the worst.

So he says, "Okay,
give me the bad news first."

The officer says,
"I'm sorry to tell you

that this morning we found
your wife's body in the bay."

And the man breaks down
in tears.

He's grieving.

And then he says,

"What could possibly be
good news after that?"

"Well", says the officer,

"when we pulled her up,

she had 12 of the
best looking lobsters

that you have ever seen
clinging to her body.

We hadn't seen lobsters
like that since the 60's,

and we feel you are entitled
to a share of that catch."

And Grover says, "Well,

if that's the good news
and what's the great news?"

The officer says, "We're going
to pull her up again tomorrow."

[ Laughter ]

-You said this was
Christmas related, though.

[Laughs] It's not.

-The Yuki Yuletide Network.

Come hang out with Joe Bob,

Darcy, and the whole
"Last Drive-In" crew

during the filming
of an episode of the show.

The auction winner
will receive airfare and hotel

for their trip to the
illustrious trailer park studio

to see how the magic is made.

Bid on your chance to witness
the fun firsthand today.

And don't forget,

you can also donate
to tonight's charities

to get event exclusive merch.

A Christmas Carnage T-shirt,

a limited edition
"The Last Drive-In" beach towel,

and the Joe Bob Briggs
Ugly Holiday sweater.

Don't miss your chance,

as these will not be available
anywhere else.

To bid on tonight's items, go to
JoeBobsChristmasCarnage.com.