Original subtitles

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

ALICE: There is

a right way to be single.

Hey. How are you?

(CHUCKLES) Hi.

Oh, when's your wedding?

Eighteen months after

I meet the right guy.

Okay.

ALICE: And a wrong way

to be single.

And then there's this guy.

(PHONE RINGING)

Good morning.

Hi. You want a hand with that?

ALICE: We're embarrassed

to admit we're single,

and try to pretend

that we're not.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SNORING)

NURSE: We need you

in Exam Room 3.

ALICE: We're supposed

to act all cheerful

and happy about it.

What?

But why should we

be embarrassed?

We're living longer,

marrying later,

and refusing

to leave the party

before we're really,

really done.

So, why do we always tell our

stories through relationships?

Where's home?

Oh, I'm not going home.

No way.

(CLATTERS)

Shit.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

(SING-SONG VOICE) Oh, my God.

Here, here.

Oh, my God, oh, my God...

I gotcha. Here you go.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I did not think this through.

(LAUGHING)

(GIGGLES AND SNORTS)

I'm Josh.

I'm Alice.

ALICE: But this story

isn't about relationships.

It's about all those

times in between

when maybe, just maybe,

our real life is happening.

This isn't a break-up. Okay?

We're just taking

some time apart.

It's temporary. Like, it's...

You know, it's like a break.

Bullshit!

(SIGHS) Josh, I've never

been on my own.

I went from living

with my parents,

to living in a dorm,

to living with you.

But we're happy, Alice.

Are we?

Yeah.

Or are we just boring?

I'm not boring.

I'm fucking fun.

I say I'm gonna

do things all the time,

and I never, ever do them.

Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,

or take a self-defense class

or I'm gonna hike

the Grand Canyon,

and I never, ever do it.

That's not my fault.

You said the boots

made your feet hurt.

Look, if we really want

this to work long term,

I need to know who I am alone

and I don't want to spend my

life wondering "What if?"

This is stupid.

The minute you

walk out of here

you're gonna realize

how much shit I do for you

and how great I am

and how much you need me,

and you're gonna

start stalking me.

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

And that's sad.

(EXHALES)

This is gonna be

great for both of us.

Yeah.

We need to know what it's like

to be single, at least once.

Can't you just fuck

one of my friends?

(CHUCKLES)

Just do something

to make me hate you.

This is gonna be

the right thing.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna miss your boobs.

(CHUCKLES)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

Does this make it work?

(BEEPS)

Yes! Yes.

There, good. Good.

No. No, no.

(GASPS) Yes. Yes. Okay.

Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!

MAN: Whoa! Whoa!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SCREAMS)

Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh!

What the hell

are you doing here?

I'm cooking you breakfast!

No, okay.

I don't do breakfast.

Right? You need to get out!

You're in my apartment!

Put the...

This is not my apartment.

Fuck. Sorry.

I might be a little drunk.

Oh.

I might actually wipe

my fingerprints off that.

You were great last night.

Was I?

(WHISPERS) I can't remember.

MEG: Okay, let's go to

your happy place.

What if I poop?

I won't even notice.

Oh, God.

It's totally natural.

Women have been doing this

for thousands of years, okay?

How many babies have you had?

(WOMAN PANTING)

Well, I've delivered

about 3,000 of them.

Didn't you want one?

You know what?

I just felt like society

doesn't let you

pursue your dreams

once you have children.

And I didn't feel like

I wanted to

give up my identity

to be a slave to some

tiny little love-terrorist.

Plus, your body

falls to shit,

and you have

no time to exercise

and forget about sleep for

the rest of your life, right?

Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,

no, no, no. You can do it!

No, I can't.

My body went to shit.

My body went to shit. It did.

(CRYING) And my vagina's

so loose, already!

Let's push!

Okay.

MEG: Yay!

(SCREAMING)

Is that poop or a baby?

It's not a baby.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Robin? This is Alice,

our new paralegal.

Will you give her

the tour, please?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

Hi, I'm Alice.

Hi.

It's so nice to meet you.

Yeah. Oh, sorry, my hands

are a little bit creamy.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Okay. All right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Welcome to the law firm

of some guy,

some other guy,

and some Jewish guy.

Just kidding.

They're all Jewish.

I'm really excited

to be here.

This was actually

one of my top choices.

That closet there,

is really good

for making personal calls.

But whatever you do, do not

hook up in this copy room.

One, it's just,

like, so cliche.

And two, there's

a security camera.

Oh, I'm not really hooking up

with anybody right now

because recently,

I actually--

Uh, yeah, I know

what you're thinking.

They do record the footage.

So, unless a leaked sex tape

is part of your two-year plan,

(SWALLOWS) I'd recommend

hooking up in the...

(INAUDIBLE)

You'll never know

our secrets.

You'll never know!

Whoo!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORTS DERISIVELY)

Excuse me.

That's none of your business.

You're kind of making it

my business, here.

Look, I just

moved in upstairs

and my Wi-Fi sucks.

So, if I have to listen

to every drunk asshole

stumble out of here

at 5:00 a.m.,

I'm at least gonna use

your free Internet.

Wow. Okay, hi. Um...

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm Tom. And--

Hi.

If you're gonna be

using my free Wi-Fi,

at least you can

do me a favor

and not write shit like,

"I want to wake up

with my best friend."

Unless you want

my dick to fall off.

And then maybe we could

become best friends,

and that'd be awesome.

Look, I spent half of last

year creating an algorithm

that trolls dating apps

for the best candidates

and downloads them

into an Excel spreadsheet.

So, I know

what I'm looking for.

Yeah, that's not

weird at all.

What are you

really doing online?

I mean, you're a pretty girl.

This is New York City.

There's like a billion

people outside that door.

Yeah, but how many

eligible people?

Here. Okay, there are eight

million people in this city.

Sounds like a lot, right?

It does.

But, half of them are women.

And as hard as

I tried in college,

I don't swing that way.

How hard did you try?

Let it go.

Okay.

So, four million men.

And then you got to

have some age limits.

Let's say over 20.

Gotta keep it legal.

Under 40.

Keep it sexy.

Now, it's a million.

Right. We're talking

about a million guys.

But half of them are married.

10 percent are gay.

I want someone

college educated.

Not too ugly.

So...

There's your boyfriend.

I wish.

He's got to be

taller than me...

(CHUCKLES)

And he's got to want kids.

So, yeah, I'm on 10 different

dating websites to

increase my odds.

So, what do you say?

You let me treat this bar

like it's my living room

and I won't call

the cops every night

with a noise complaint.

Okay. Very cute.

These are the women?

Hmm.

Thanks.

Mmm. Mmm.

See you around.

Stupid.

Um, have a nice night.

Wait. What?

Where are you going?

I'm going home.

What?

I never want to

hear you say that again.

Ugh!

You're single now, okay?

You do not go home!

You shouldn't even

have a home.

You should just

have 500 square feet

where you keep some clothes

and occasionally bathe.

Well, okay, technically,

I'm not, like, single.

We're just on a break.

Uh, there's no

such thing as a "break,"

Season-3 Ross.

No, we really are on a break.

We're just taking

a little bit of time apart

to make sure we really

want to be together.

Oh, so you're on some

kind of sexual rumspringa?

No.

Why didn't you say anything?

I could've made you

take a half-day!

It was my first day at work.

Rumspringa!

What? No! Where

are we going? (LAUGHS)

Ask me for a rum and Coke

if you think you're gonna die.

Get out of here!

Uh,

you said on your profile

you're a big dreamer.

You know, please. (CHUCKLES)

No, no, I think I want

what everybody wants.

Cross off some things

on the bucket list.

So, what is on

your bucket list?

Usual stuff.

Uh, Wrigley Fields.

Mmm.

Dolphin Trainer.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God. I love dolphins.

Loved, since forever.

Wow, no, no, you know,

because the normal ones

are already checked off,

you know?

Mmm-hmm.

Hot Carl.

Dirty Sanchez.

Yeah, that's--

Golden Shower. That one,

Oh.

I actually checked off

by accident.

Thank you, prom. (CHUCKLES)

So, these aren't career

goals or life goals.

These are more sexual things.

Have you ever heard

of the Whack-a-Mole?

Rum and Coke.

Rum and Coke? Really?

I didn't think

you'd want to do

a Rum and Coke with

me on our first date.

Um, rum and Coke?

I got to find a live hamster.

So, I guess I could

trap a street rat.

I mean, we are in New York.

Rum and Coke!

I got to go shave my legs.

Drink more water.

Oh. Okay.

Yo.

Go lock yourself in my office.

Thank you.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Here we go.

Let me teach you

how to be single.

Okay, lesson one.

Go get us some drinks.

Okay.

No. That was a trick.

You don't buy the drinks.

Boys buy the drinks.

It's kind of like a sexual

currency that they use,

so they're not actually

paying you to hook up.

So, go get us a drink.

Okay.

Not... Not with this wallet.

Okay.

With the sausage wallet.

Which of you is

buying oil right now?

Do you know how much...

Hey, what's up, y'all?

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know why

I just said "y'all."

"You all" would have

taken just as much time.

And I'm not even

from the South,

I'm from Portland.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Which is southern from Canada.

Are y'all Canadian?

I just did it again,

I said it again.

My system should have

weeded him out.

You probably read

your data wrong.

I bet that guy told you

exactly who he was.

You just didn't

want to hear it.

I tell the truth

to girls all the time.

They hear what

they want to hear.

That sounds like

a load of crap.

(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

I'm not kidding. Watch this.

Hey, sweetheart. Hey.

Hi.

Hey, uh, you know we're

only sleeping together

for fun, right?

Because I'm not interested

in long-term relationships,

so I think I'm gonna

start seeing other people

and I think you

should move on, too.

Because I care about you,

and I don't want

to see you get hurt.

Oh, I care about you, too.

Yeah. Hmm.

Wow.

You guys are super

dressed-up. Funeral?

Oh, my God. Okay, bye.

That was a really bad idea.

This is stupid. I should

probably just go home.

It's better.

No, are you kidding?

You have a small window

in which to bang your way

through New York City.

No, Josh and I didn't

break up so I could

see other people.

I'm trying to

figure out who I am.

Then why don't you take this,

go home and

stare at your beave?

Look, I'm just gonna

choose for you. All right?

Um... (GASPS) I know.

I would like

to see your tongue

in that bartender's face.

ALICE: What?

ROBIN: Don't worry,

I know him.

He's like a palate cleanser.

He's sexual sorbet.

That guy?

Yeah. I've heard

he's really good in bed.

From myself, because

I might have slept with him.

I can't really remember.

Maybe, uh... It was winter.

Maybe I just used his dick

as a scarf. Let's go.

What?

Hey, Tom.

This is Alice.

She's newly single

and needs to hook up

with a random stranger.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Let me buy you a drink.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Uh, thanks.

Let me buy you a drink.

(LAUGHS)

Welcome to the party.

Umm, cheers.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo!

Come on! Yeah! Ha!

Hi!

Yeah!

Hey.

Hi.

Whoa! Whoa!

She just hit you in the face!

Oh!

Rumspringa!

(GROANS)

MEG: Morning, sunshine.

No.

No, Meg! Ow! (GROANS)

Oh, my God.

Wakey-wakey.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

A doctor?

(MEG SCREAMS)

Did I have sex with

a doctor? Did we have sex?

No.

No?

No, we didn't have sex.

I didn't sleep with anybody?

No, I don't think so.

Why does it smell

like weed in here?

You have a little...

What?

It's in your hair now.

It's just right...

What?

It...

No, I just have

long eyelashes.

It's a...

You have a joint clinging...

Oh.

Yay! Free coffee!

Uh, take two Tylenol,

and make yourself

some breakfast.

ALICE: I love you.

Love, love you.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(CHUCKLES) Your roommate

seems pretty cool.

Oh, she's my sister.

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, then I think

I might have pissed

in your sister's litter box.

That's a Zen garden.

The cat has a Zen garden?

ALICE: There's no cat.

(MAN GROANS)

Where am I?

I knew I had sex

in this apartment!

Oh, yeah.

What's up?

Okay, where are we?

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Um, Broadway and 77th.

Um...

We have to be

at work in 30 minutes,

so we should

probably go this way.

It's okay,

I can do this in 20.

Wait, do what?

Let's go.

Wait, do what?

Time me!

Step one.

That stuff is for babies.

Babies with hangovers.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORTS)

Baba, are we good?

Payment accepted. Let's go.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Hi!

Yeah, hi.

I'm really interested

in buying a lot of

your products, but first,

I need you to put

all of them on my face,

in a very nice way, for free.

I'm gonna need a full face,

with a side of "Wow."

Okay.

Mimosa, hold the orange juice.

Here. Come on. Gimme.

(HAIR DRYER HISSING)

Nailed it.

You're three-and-a-half

hours late.

MEG: Yay! Lunchtime!

And don't worry

about the weight.

It should come off after

you stop nursing the infant.

"Katie." That's her name.

Oh, okay.

Oh, no. I have to pee.

(KATIE CRYING)

It just falls out

of me these days.

Can you hold...

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not good with babies.

Hello. How are you today?

Your mom should be

coming back soon.

Is, um, "Katie"

short for "Katherine"?

See, some women would look at

what you just did and

think that you smiled.

But, because I'm a doctor,

I know that that was probably

just an involuntary

tic, or gas.

You know what?

(WHISPERS)

You're not that cute,

and I am not falling for it.

So, you just keep trying,

but it is "no."

(LAUGHS)

(GURGLES)

Shut up, baby.

And, you know what?

Don't touch that,

because that's

not very sanitary.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Germs are little bugs,

like little microbes

that get into your mouth,

and they make you sick.

(COOING)

So, you eat your shoe.

(KISSING)

(GASPS)

You are not winning me over.

No, you're not.

Why do you put

everything in your mouth?

Hello. Hi.

MEG: And so we're clear,

there are a lot of people

in this world

who need things

like you in their lives,

to feel complete.

I am not one of them.

I am fine without you.

Fine. You win.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

If Tom texts you,

which he won't,

because it's still daylight,

wait four hours to respond.

(SCOFFS) I was not even

thinking about Tom.

Anything sooner implies that

you're needy and

really co-dependent

and incapable of

a simple hookup,

which is all he's good for.

I think that I could

actually be, like, a good--

And, when you respond, do not

respond in full sentences.

Okay.

And if you use an emoji,

I will fucking tit-punch you.

Fine.

Fine.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

(GASPS) No! No! Oh, no.

You can have this back

at the end of the day.

Fine.

An emoji?

(GASPS) Oh! Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH PANTING)

This is so dumb.

Okay.

It's not like I don't know

you're bad for me.

Sure.

And I'm not gonna be

one of those cliched girls

who thinks I can, like,

change you, or something.

No, you can't.

No.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SIGHS) I'm telling you.

Sex? It's the best way

to find out what you want.

Think about it, the whole

love thing, the whole,

"I just want a guy

to notice when I'm cold."

It's nice when a guy notices

when you're cold.

It means he's--

It means he's faking it,

because he knows that's

what you want to hear.

So, instead of being

a psycho who pretends

that I give a shit

if you're cold,

I tell everyone

the same thing.

"If you're looking for

the one, that's not me.

"If you're looking for the one

"to have a little fun with,

I'm that one."

Oh.

Yep. (SIGHS)

Whew!

I've always been

in relationships.

But, I guess that's just

because I actually

don't really know

how to stay single.

Then you came

to the right place.

The trick is to love them,

but get them to leave you.

That way, nobody gets hurt.

Check this out.

What do all these things

have in common? Go.

Um, ketchup and beer.

Pickles, chocolate sauce.

Are you pregnant?

No, they can't be used

to make breakfast.

There's no reason to

stick around in the morning,

because you can't

make an omelet.

Plus, no water.

So, hungover chicks,

you got to leave to survive.

Except for that New York

water is delicious

and you can just

drink it from the tap.

Yeah. But, uh...

From what glass?

Wow.

You're a piece of work.

Mmm-hmm.

Glass.

Okay, MacGyver, no woman's

gotten this far, but, um...

You had a plumber

cut your water?

No. I did it myself.

What if you need

to wash your hands?

What am I, a surgeon?

What if you get thirsty?

(TOM SIGHS)

Nice. Well done.

Yeah, right?

Totally thought it was

a nightstand, didn't you?

You're a psycho.

I'm not a psycho.

Look, most guys are like me,

they're just

not honest about it.

I'm telling you, this is

what it's like out there.

Why are you telling me this?

(DOOR RATTLES)

I don't know.

It's just, you're different.

Oh, my God. That's the

thing you say to girls.

Yes, it is.

Works, though, right?

Completely.

Anyway, end of the tour.

And, um, this was fun.

(CLEARS THROAT)

See you.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hi.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(JOSH GRUNTS)

Uh, mimosa?

Uh, no, I'm actually

on my way to a meeting.

So, I'm probably

not gonna start drinking

at 8:30 on a Thursday.

Yeah, no, I didn't...

I don't want one, either.

Um, I got us

chocolate chip pancakes

for the table,

like we used to.

(CHUCKLES) Um, cool. I don't

have a lot of time, so--

Okay, no, then

I'll just get right to it.

I'm done. I'm,

I'm finally done.

What? What are you done with?

With our time apart.

I know it's been

really difficult.

It's been difficult

on both of us.

But, I'm finally ready

for us to be together.

And I'll never have to

wonder about anything else.

I'm seeing someone.

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

That is...

Congratulations.

ALICE: Um...

So, then, so, Josh,

you want to just,

like, tell me when

you're done, then?

I don't know, Alice.

Like, we can... We'll just

wait till you're done.

Shit's different, I'm not...

I'm not sure I want

the same things anymore.

(CHUCKLES)

You mean, like, me?

I didn't need an experiment

to know that I loved you.

And I'm not an idiot.

You're, I guess, done with

whatever you've been doing,

with whoever

you've been doing,

and you can come

running back to me?

No, thanks. I'll pass.

WAITER: Who ordered pancakes?

ALICE: Meg, I'm not ready

to be alone. I'm not.

I don't know how

to reset my router.

I don't even know

where it is.

I don't even really know

what, exactly, it does.

I'm gonna be alone forever.

(SWALLOWS) At least

my dead body

will serve as food

for my cats.

In the eight weeks that it

takes for anybody to find me,

because nobody gives a fuck.

Why are you

watching Bridget Jones?

(SNIFFLING)

What did I tell you?

It feels good in the moment.

I know, but it's a bad idea.

You get yourself

all hopped up

on Sex and the City

and Bridget Jones

and thinking that

you need to have some

big single experience.

Which, by the way,

is total bullshit.

No.

All those girls ever did

was look for boyfriends.

And this is a great thing,

because now you can

focus on your career.

What? No! I put myself

out, into the world,

and it completely rejected me.

(CORK POPS)

Whoa!

Okay, you haven't been

single for that long!

Yeah.

You got to go

around the board,

pass "Go,"

collect 200 dicks.

MEG: And you remember

the best thing that

ever happened to me

was when I was thinking about

quitting medical school.

Please don't tell

the medical school story.

And then, my piece of shit

boyfriend, Bobby,

cheated on me

with my lab partner,

because she was willing

to do things that I wasn't.

Did it involve midgets?

No.

I once slept with an albino.

Anyway, the good news is,

now there are

BOTH: 3,000 beautiful

babies in the world

and no one can

take that away...

...from me.

...from her

Why don't you go to

one of those alumni events?

An alumni event?

You go, and you

network with people

and if you really

love what you do

then the whole

"guy" thing is easier.

No! I don't want to

be like you, Meg.

I don't want my job

to be my entire life.

ROBIN: Ooh.

Okay. Sisters, time-out.

There are pros and cons

to both of you, okay?

Pros. Young, beautiful.

Pros. Also beautiful,

for your age.

Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.

Cons. No access to pills.

Cons. You're really

stingy with the pills.

Right.

Pros.

Loves me unconditionally.

Gives me the spare key

to the apartment.

Has a very nice

underwear drawer.

Very neat and organized.

You have a key

to my apartment?

Cons. Asks too many

personal questions.

Okay. I'm gonna

take my old, lonely,

workaholic ass

back to the hospital.

Cons. Ugly when sad.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, uh, did you bring

a sandwich from home?

Mmm.

Are you wearing

pajamas in a bar?

They're sweatpants.

I think you're bumming

some people out.

You might want to take your

"give up" pants and go home.

Leave me alone.

(LAUGHING) I love this bar.

(GASPS) Lucy?

(BOTTLE CAP CLATTERS)

BRITTANY: Lucy?

Hi!

Oh, my God!

Brittany! Hi!

How are you?

How are you?

I'm getting married!

She's getting married!

(ALL SHRIEKING)

That is just the best news

I've ever heard

in my entire life!

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, yay!

How old are your kids?

No. (CHUCKLES)

I don't have any.

I just read to them sometimes.

But not in, like, a sad way.

It's more like

a volunteer thing?

ALL: Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, are you married?

No. (CHUCKLES) No.

Dating anyone?

Uh, afraid not.

Are you divorced?

(GASPS) No, no one's

ever loved me enough

to eventually divorce me.

(LUCY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

You got to get in the game,

before you can lose, so...

I'm not even

a good loser, yet.

(MUMBLING)

Oh, my God,

are those penis straws?

You guys are gonna have

a crazy night tonight!

Hi.

Oh.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Hey, baby.

This is, um...

It's all right,

you can say it.

Miss Independent

right here, right?

I'm her boyfriend.

ALL: Oh!

He's your boyfriend.

LUCY: This is my boyfriend.

God, doesn't she look smoking

hot in these sweatpants?

Oh, wow, that's so sweet.

This is Brittany. She's

getting married, obviously.

Oh, you're the one

getting married. Marriage!

(ALL CHEERING)

The end of spontaneous sex,

traveling by yourself

and buying whatever you

want without having to

ask permission, right?

Marriage! (LAUGHS)

Congratulations, good luck

with it. I hope it lasts.

Sorry. No filter.

(LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, listen. I hope, uh,

that kiss wasn't too much.

Oh, my God.

No, no, that was awesome!

Thank you so much! Good night.

(GLASSES CLANKING

AND RATTLING)

(CLATTERS AND JANGLES)

(SIGHS)

Oh.

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

(WHISPERS) Come on,

you fucking bitch.

Hey.

Sorry. Was that supposed

to be a private moment?

I can't get my zipper.

I'm sorry for

what I said to you.

What?

I said, I'm sorry for

what I said to you.

Can't hear you.

I said I'm sorry for what

I said to you! (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

What?

(EXHALES)

I'm gonna have a baby.

What?

I found a sperm donor.

This guy.

He's of Swedish descent.

Oh, my God.

He has no known cancers

on either side of his family,

no history of drug abuse,

no history of any kind

of mental illness, or...

Oh, my God.

I know.

Oh, my God.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I know.

Wait. Do you think

it's a bad idea?

Why are you saying

"Oh, my God" five times?

No, but... Wait,

when do you meet him?

That's the best part.

I never, ever

have to meet him,

or any of his family.

There's no strings

attached at all.

Nothing. Is that crazy?

No. Oh, my God,

you're gonna have a baby.

I know!

You're gonna have a baby!

(LAUGHS)

I'm so happy for you.

You'll always be

my baby first.

But you do need to grow up.

And you do need to

move out by this Friday.

What?

The co-op board

found out you were here.

Is this a bad idea?

Would you tell me?

No, you're gonna be

the best mom in the world.

Wait. Just go back.

What was that thing

that you just said

about the co-op board?

You need to be out by Friday.

But you're allowed

to have guests.

Yes. But my guests

aren't allowed

to slide down

the trash chute, naked.

I didn't go naked down the...

Oh. (GULPS)

Robin did that.

Mmm-hmm.

I've seen security

footage. And it just...

(EXCLAIMS)

Hmm.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't know.

(CHEERS)

Hmm, it seems kind of homey,

like you'd actually

want to spend time here.

Oh, this could be

a reading window.

Reading is for ugly losers.

(EXHALES) I don't know.

I really like it.

Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!

BROKER: Wait!

No, don't do that!

That just...

That just fell off.

I think I'm gonna take it.

ROBIN: This place

is dangerous.

It's perfect. (CHUCKLES)

Don't let that... Don't...

(CLANGS)

Did that just break?

Yeah.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CUTLERY CLANKS)

(YAWNS) Good night.

That was weird.

Maybe you should

just leave it in there.

Maybe you shouldn't

shake it like that.

What, it's gonna make

the pee go in there.

No, it doesn't

work like that.

That's not a Polaroid.

I'm gonna be the

best auntie, ever. I am.

I'm gonna give that kid

whatever it wants.

Forever.

All the sugar in the world.

Don't get your hopes up, okay?

Because it never works

on the first time.

It's too late.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

Mmm.

See? I told you.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, no, it always...

This is...

It doesn't usually work on

the first time, like I said.

What?

I deal with this kind of thing

all the time. You know that.

Are you drinking enough water?

Your lips are

really dry, which means

you're dehydrated.

I'll go get you some water.

(MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

These plums are

available through

late summer, early autumn.

JOSH: Alice!

And they're just wonderful,

they're called

Italian prune plums.

(STONE CLATTERS)

So, we're gonna make

a bit of caramel

with a cup of sugar,

and a third of a cup of water.

I'm just gonna

cook it over medium heat

until it's nice and

caramelized and brown...

JOSH: Alice!

Hi.

Hi.

My buzzer's broken.

It's like if Romeo and Juliet

had lived in New York.

(CHUCKLES)

That was bad. Can I come up?

Yeah.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(JANGLES)

WOMAN: (ON TV) If you want to

make this cake another time...

(UTENSILS CLATTERING)

(CLATTERING)

(CLATTERS)

Hey.

Hey.

It's good to see you.

So good to see you. What's up?

Well, I was going

through my closet,

and I found a bunch

of your old stuff,

so I thought

you might want it.

(CHUCKLES)

I could've come by

to get this.

Well, actually,

that's the thing, is, um,

that's part of why I

wanted to come over.

Uh...

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, Michelle is

moving in tomorrow.

So...

Wow!

Michelle.

(TAPS)

She's got a name

and everything.

She's got a name.

Well, technically,

she's always had a name.

Mmm-hmm.

I mean, her lease was up

and I was with

this craigslist guy,

and he started

stealing my socks.

Mmm-hmm.

And so, it just made sense.

It makes sense.

And we're excited.

Mmm-hmm. We are.

You said "we." Okay.

So...

So let me give you the tour.

Um, this is the kitchen.

This is the dining room.

This is the living room

workspace-bedroom region.

And are you working

on your Spanish?

Oh, that's been that

way since I moved in,

and I don't know

how to fix it.

And now I don't know

what the world would be like

if it wasn't in Spanish.

It's pretty easy,

you know, it's...

(SOFTLY) Alice.

(SNIFFLES) You're so handy.

(SIGHS)

Alice.

Michelle is

a really lucky girl.

(CHUCKLES)

I didn't expect

for this to happen.

I just...

I stopped comparing

everyone to you

and then I met

someone pretty great.

I'm super happy for you.

Yeah, I can see that.

Alice. All right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm gonna go.

Okay. (SNIFFLES)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYING)

You need to move on.

Fine.

Uh, no going backwards,

only forwards.

You can't sleep

with Tom again.

Well, then, we're gonna

have to start going

to a different bar,

girlfriend.

No, you'll be fine,

just don't hit your

drink number with him.

What's my drink number?

In every male-female

friendship,

there's a total

number of drinks

and if you hit that,

it means you will

definitely have sex.

So, how many drinks does it

take to get you wasted?

Two and a half,

but maybe three,

if I've eaten.

Three.

Okay, and Tom's is eight.

So, you can't hit

eleven drinks

between the two of you.

Okay.

Not one for you, 10 for him.

Not six for him, five for you.

If I had more than

five drinks,

I'd hook up with you.

My drink number is 27.

What?

I wouldn't even touch

myself on less than 24.

That's...

What are you doing? Stop.

What is that?

Stop.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God.

I thought that was

gonna be boiling hot.

It's actually really cold.

You have LTRP.

Oh, my God. I do?

Yeah.

Tom gave it to me. For sure.

Wait. What's LTRP?

Long-Term Relationship Pussy.

You really need

to get that taken care of.

What do you mean?

I barely have any hair.

It's like you dropped

your hairbrush

and your vagina caught it.

I could make dreadlocks

with that bush

and form a reggae band.

That looks like a whole bowl

of petrified curly fries.

It's like Gandalf

is staring right at me.

(MIMICS GANDALF)

"No penis shall pass!"

You've ruined

so many things for me.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hi.

Hi. What are you here for?

Um, I am here to finally

put myself out there.

Like, in a real way. You know?

Not just physically,

but, like, emotionally.

Yeah.

Uh, no, I was asking

what event are you here for?

Oh, um...

Oh, my God.

The Wesleyan Alumni

Networking Event.

Cool.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we're...

♪ I wanna see your

peacock, cock, cock ♪

♪ Your peacock, cock ♪

♪ Your peacock, cock, cock

Your peacock ♪

♪ Word on the street ♪

♪ You got somethin'

to show me, me ♪

♪ Magical, colorful,

myster-mystery-eeh ♪

♪ I'm intrigued for a peek

Heard it's fascinating ♪

♪ Come on baby let me see

What you hidin' underneath ♪

Hey. Get back over there,

you're screwing up

the harmonies.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I'm David Stone,

nice to meet you.

Hi. Hey, I'm Alice.

Alice...

Kepley.

Kepley.

It's not as good as "Stone."

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Do you want one of

my business cards?

Or maybe 400 of them,

so you could

tile your bathroom?

Well, what's on them?

Um, my Social Security Number,

my mom's maiden name,

my ATM PIN.

That's what

goes on these, right?

Absolutely, the essentials.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What do you do?

Um, I'm a paralegal.

Okay.

At Brown, Light

and Finkelstein.

Is that, uh, 144 Wall Street?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have the building

right next door.

You "have" the building?

Like, in

a Fantasy Building League?

Uh, no. Um, I don't

"have" the building,

I kind of own it.

Oh.

There's no way to

make that sound right.

I'm a developer,

so, it's not just me.

It's like a group

of people, but...

That's like

a real-ass job, man.

Yeah, I know, it's the worst.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, your team.

We really need to

work on our repertoire.

Are you kidding me?

This is my jam!

Is it?

Yeah, this is like

my top 13th favorite

song of all time.

(LAUGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, I'm sorry,

it's my daughter.

Oh, yeah, no,

totally. Me, too.

I mean, I'm a...

I'm a daughter.

It was great to meet you.

(CHUCKLES)

Bye. Yeah.

♪ Your peacock, cock, cock

Your peacock ♪

(CLEARS THROAT)

♪ I wanna see

your peacock, cock ♪

MEG: Okay, 30 more seconds.

Twenty-seven.

It said three to

10 minutes, is that right?

I'm doing this in solidarity.

Guys. Mine's positive.

What?

What?

Wait.

I'm taking a drug test.

Is that what

you guys are doing?

No.

No.

(BEEPING)

(LAUGHING)

I'm...

(LAUGHING)

You're pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

It's all right, don't worry.

We'll take care of it.

I mean, "Yes!"

ALICE: You're pregnant!

We're pregnant!

I'm not pregnant!

I'm on drugs!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I found my peanut!

This is Paul.

Hey.

He has so many teeth.

(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

What up, office fools?

It's time for Secret Santa!

Who's ready to reach

into my cleave of wonders

and win themselves a prize?

Doris, I'm coming

to you first, baby.

Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!

You have won

Kathy's credit card.

Let's go, dance circle!

Bridget, come on

in here, you slut!

How many sliders does it take

to equal a whole burger?

What?

How many little burgers

does it take to make

a whole burger?

(SNORTS) You're crazy.

Don't call me crazy.

Don't ever call

a pregnant woman crazy.

Okay. All right.

Not ever. Never.

Okay.

How many little meats

make up a whole big meat?

I don't know, maybe four?

I've had seven.

Eight. I meant eight.

Is it four, or is it eight?

It's eight, or more.

Everyone knows that.

Who told you that?

The slider guy.

Please blink,

so I know you're in there.

I'm sorry.

(EXHALES) God.

I just have blood pumping

through my body

in an uncomfortable way

and it feels like it's all

accumulating right here.

Don't touch yourself like

that in my workplace.

I need a man.

A man?

I don't know...

I don't know what's happening.

It's, like, the hormones

or something.

Actually, the new guy

has sort of been

checking you out.

Which one?

He's...

Did you get it?

No.

All right. He's like...

Right over there.

No. No.

Why?

Because he's too young.

All young guys want to

do is have sex all day.

All I need is just

a quick 10 minutes,

and then a really long nap.

How old is that

little niblet, anyway?

Like, twenty-f... Seven?

The only reason a guy like

that would ever talk to me

is to get a prescription

for medical marijuana.

So, no.

I think he's coming over.

Yeah, he's totally wanting it.

Wait, he might be

going to the food.

Don't look over there.

No, he's coming.

He's here.

Just saw you looking

at me over there.

I thought I'd come over,

say "What's up."

Hmm.

Or...

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God,

did I misread that?

(STUTTERS) Were you not...

Were you just talking about...

Um, did you not

want me to come over?

Hey, I'm Ken.

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

You must be Alice's sister.

Um, do you want a drink?

No.

Can I get you...

I had a lot of

drinks earlier today.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(EXHALES)

Have you heard anything

about an after-party?

Or even, like,

another part of this party?

Because this feels like

a longer day at work, than...

Oh, my God,

am I boring you?

Is that... Are you

trying not to yawn?

Mmm-mmm.

That's just your face?

No, I'm sorry. I'm a doctor,

and I'm just really tired.

What is it you were

saying you do?

I wasn't, but I

work here, for now.

But, um...

Oh, my God,

are you having a stroke?

Seriously, this is

the honeymoon.

Like, we just

met 30 seconds ago.

Honestly, like, if we're not

gonna make it through this,

I don't think we're

gonna make it at all.

So, why don't you just,

like, let her rip?

Okay.

Like, let it all out.

Yeah.

(YAWNS)

How awesome was that?

That feels so good.

Right?

(CHUCKLES)

Who are you, again?

I'm, uh, Ken.

And what's going on here?

Is this... (CHUCKLES)

I don't...

Is this one of those

fetish things?

Where you're, like,

a foot fetish. Am I the foot?

Do you want to be the foot?

I'm not into feet,

but I would like

to go out with you.

Oh.

Yes.

Why?

Really? I...

Do you not want me to?

I do! I... That's not

what I was saying.

No, I was just wondering why.

Because I think you're hot.

(LAUGHS)

And I think you're funny.

And I like the face

you make when you're

trying not to yawn.

And then you have an

awesome yawn after that, so...

I mean, that's

always something

I've looked for in a girl.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know.

But, cheers.

Holy shit, that's a candle.

(MEG CLEARS THROAT)

So, do you wanna

just go do this, then?

(CLEARS THROAT)

(RETRO MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh.

Mmm.

I don't want anything serious.

Good, because I'm saving

myself for marriage.

(LAUGHS)

I'm just kidding.

My God, your body is awesome!

Do I smell like hamburgers?

You taste like hamburgers.

(LAUGHING)

That's totally beautiful.

(KEN GRUNTS)

You didn't really have to

come all the way here

with me, you know?

And miss a subway

ride with you?

(LAUGHS)

That's like 20 extra

minutes of Paul time.

Aw. Thank you. Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Actually, I got you something.

Oh, okay.

I have a sandwich

for the train ride.

Oh, thank you.

And there's

a bagel in there, too,

in case you don't

want the sandwich.

It's a 45 minute

train ride, but thank you.

And there's this.

What?

Merry Christmas.

You shouldn't have.

Really, it's just

a little thing that...

Oh. Open it now, yeah.

Whoa! These are

pictures of us.

It's memories of

all our time together.

Yeah, there's three weeks

of photos. That's...

And then we can

fill in the rest.

Oh, so...

Look, Lucy, I...

I really care about you.

And I just don't know

if we want to think

too much in the long term,

only because I don't know

if I see a future with you.

Normally, I break up with

people before the holidays,

just so, you know,

they don't get the wrong idea.

But I just thought, since

we're dating other people,

I would just wait

and break up with you

on Martin Luther King Day.

Okay, I have no idea

what that means,

but it sounds vaguely racist.

Just, statistically,

it's the easiest holiday

to break up with

someone on, you know?

I mean, there's

no family obligations,

you can get out before

Valentine's Day.

I'm sorry, did you just say

you're seeing other people?

Yeah.

I mean, isn't that the whole

point of online dating?

No.

It's to find your soul mate!

(ECHOING)

I, uh, think maybe we should

only see other people.

Okay. Great talk.

Bye.

Just...

Um, Merry Christmas.

"'We're safe!' said Paul,

as they ran from the dragon."

Um, who's Paul?

(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry, "the Prince."

"Then, he leaned in to kiss

her, and finally said..."

Oh, that's rich.

How does the story end?

I'll tell you how it ends.

He kisses her,

and she wakes up

and finally feels loved,

and understood, and wanted.

But then, her friend sees him

dining with the peach lady

and before she knows it,

she's kicked out

of the castle.

(BOOK CLATTERS)

"The peach lady"?

You bet your sweet ass

"the peach lady."

And now, you know, she's

fixating on all her mistakes

and all the money

she spent on makeup

and blow-outs, and the heels!

The heels!

Walking around on these.

And I'm not supposed

to have any hair here.

No hair here,

but tons of it here.

I'm supposed to have

a ton, a ton of it here.

You think this is all real?

You think that it's all real?

No.

And Spanx!

Girls. Never wear Spanx.

Because the endgame

is to take them off, anyway

and then the prince is gonna

see all your dumplings

and there ain't

nothing less attractive

than trying to

squiggle your way

out of what's basically

sausage casing.

Look at these links!

You know what,

why don't we push pause

on story time for

just a second, huh?

GEORGE: Okay,

you know what? Sorry.

Are you kidding me?

GEORGE: Hey, hey. Okay.

These are kid scissors.

They don't work.

If your Spanx were

made of construction

paper, they would.

And that's how the story ends.

(GRUNTING)

Parents, I'm gonna ask

you to sign something

before you leave,

if you don't mind.

Story time next week.

(YELPS)

Same time, same place,

different reader.

Thank you. Okay, now.

Hey, you. Hey. How are you?

Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.

(PANTING)

Oh, that was terrible.

You scared all the kids,

terrified a lot of parents.

But it was also

kind of awesome.

I'm George.

Lucy.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey.

Hi.

JOSH: Hey.

Hey!

Hey! Oh, thank you.

For you.

I'll take that.

Oh, no.

That's Robin's.

Yeah. I like to keep

this on my own rack.

Sorry, we're late.

No, it's okay. I'm glad

you guys could come.

I know it's tough to

be single around

this time of year, so...

Why do people always

say that? The holidays is

he best time to be single.

Parties every night,

free-flowing booze.

Mmm-hmm.

Santa's beard tickling

your inner thigh.

What?

Night.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, take your jacket...

Here, you want me

to get your...

Thanks for having us.

Yeah, sure. I know it's

been tough for you.

For me?

Yeah.

No, I'm good.

It's really cool of your

girlfriend to be okay with

me coming tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, I know,

she's really mature.

And, um, also, I told

her you're my cousin.

Hi, baby.

Hey. Hi.

Oh, you must be Alice.

Hi!

Hi.

(HORNS HONKING)

(TRAFFIC BUSTLING)

KEN: Oh, Meg!

(GASPS)

Hi.

Hey.

Hi, what are you doing here?

I brought you hot chocolate.

For what?

For drinking.

Oh, I have to be back

at work in eight minutes.

Perfect.

Oh, thank you.

Sure.

That was nice. Hi.

It's good to see you.

You look good.

Oh, oh, there's

bourbon in there.

Also, was that

a real-life spit take?

Mmm.

I've never seen

one in real life.

I just sort of thought

it would be like...

(SPITTING)

Wow.

You know?

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

That was good, yeah.

I can't drink

alcohol right now

because I'm

about to deliver a baby.

It's so cool you're a doctor.

It's so cool that you're...

A receptionist.

Oh, okay. So, what's the male

version of a receptionist?

Receptionist.

Oh.

Oh, I just love the

thrill of it, you know?

Like, "Hello? Hold, please.

"Hello? I'll see

if she's available."

But I'm thinking about

quitting. I don't know.

It's starting to feel like

the restaurant I worked at.

(JINGLING)

Oh.

Oh, shit. Christmas trees.

Come on, we'll get one.

Okay. I mean, I don't

get Christmas trees, but...

Oh, are you Jewish?

No, I just don't get

Christmas trees.

Oh, so, you're a monster.

No, I'm just never home, and

I would definitely kill it.

No.

And then those needles

fall into the rug

and stab your feet

when you walk on them.

Okay.

All right.

Look at this guy, right?

That's the John McClane

of Christmas trees.

Like, you cannot

kill this guy.

We load him up with

a bunch of water,

stuff one of those

self-pouring

cat bottles on the side,

you're good to go for,

like, three weeks.

I'm telling you, you're gonna

be begging this guy to die.

Yeah.

Then, in three weeks

we throw this guy

out on the street,

and get ready

for Valentine's Day.

"We" get ready

for Valentine's Day?

Yeah, hearts, candy,

you name it.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's not...

Listen, in three

weeks from now,

I think the novelty

of this whole thing

will have worn off

and I think, the reality

will set in, which is that

I work all the time

and I probably would

never see you,

and I'd probably have to

cancel all of our dates.

And, when I did

finally see you,

I would probably just

fall asleep on your face.

Oh...

Yeah, and then,

.you would go off,

and meet some girl at the gym.

Because you obviously

have a lot of time

to spend at the gym

and so would she, and

I don't even know why we're

having this conversation.

I mean, you are

obviously not a real thing

and I feel like we're wasting

air even talking about it.

And I have hip problems,

real hip problems,

and not from doing fun things,

like having sex,

but from gravity.

And what we had was great.

Thank you for

helping me out with that.

That was fun.

But you will find

a girl your own age

and then you can do fun things

like look for trees

and whatever.

But that's not

what's happening here,

between you and me, so...

Just so you know.

I have to get back

to work now.

(MOUTHING)

My God.

Fine, we won't get

a Christmas tree!

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

JOSH: You okay? You happy?

I'm okay.

JOSH: You did good.

This is an incredible party.

Mmm. You're sweet.

Hey, Robin.

Yeah.

(MUMBLES)

MAN: Oh.

Yes?

Do you want to go see

the Rockefeller tree?

Right now?

Yeah.

No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples

are visiting from Italy,

and they want

to know all about

American Christmas traditions

like us sitting

on their faces.

No. No.

Come on, it's Christmas!

I'm not gonna do that tonight.

Why? Their dicks probably

look like cannolis.

No, it's okay.

I'll call you tomorrow.

(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES)

It's plastic.

You can't kill it.

(LAUGHS)

DAVID: Hey.

Hey.

I feel like I know you.

God, I wish I had one of

your business cards,

so I could

remember who you are.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, you're the, um,

fancy married guy,

with the kid

and the buildings.

Uh, I'm not married.

Um, I do have a daughter.

Oh.

And I'm fancy.

Yeah.

You're wearing

a scarf on the

outside of your jacket.

Which...

That serves zero purpose.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

Um...

Uh, this is super

random, but do you

want to go see

the Rockefeller tree with me?

No? That's a big "no."

No, no.

I know it's probably

like so crowded

with so many tourists,

I don't know why

I even want to do that.

I just... I was just thinking,

I want to show you something.

Okay.

(WHISPERS) All right.

This door.

Aye.

You know what?

I am just realizing now

that I've gone with

a complete stranger,

to an abandoned location

covered in plastic.

So, if you're

gonna Dexter me...

You know what? Honestly?

Dying would not be

the worst thing

in the world, right now.

What is happening?

All right. Close your eyes.

Okay. Here we go. Bye!

(CREAKING)

(DAVID GRUNTING)

What is that sound?

Just one second.

The world's largest

shower curtain?

What is it? What's happening?

One sec. Uh...

Is that the body bag?

Is that duct tape?

Is it "duck" tape

or is it "duct" tape?

Um, open your eyes.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

(CHILDREN PLAYING)

This is amazing.

Thank you.

I've always wanted

to see this.

Yeah.

I don't know why

I always talk myself out

of doing the things

that I really want to do.

Like what?

There's this thing that

people do on New Year's,

where they hike the

Grand Canyon in the dark,

Hmm.

so that they can

watch the New Year

come in with the dawn.

That sounds amazing.

I know.

Yeah.

I'm just not a hiker.

I don't like that stuff

that's on the ground,

that, like, gets on you.

The dirt?

Yes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

But, um, I don't know.

Maybe we can, um,

do something else this year.

"We"?

Did I say "we"?

This one's name is Ping-Ping.

Ping-Ping?

It's nice to meet you.

ALICE: Who's this guy?

Lion.

Lion is very handsome and,

also, we seem to be matching.

Well, what about this guy?

Zebra-Zebra.

Hmm. I was told

never to trust a man

with two first names.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

What about,

do you want to tell me

the names of these ones?

This is LA.

I'll be two seconds.

Okay, we're fine.

Do you know

the Eyes of You song?

The what song?

Eyes of You song.

No, I don't know

what that is.

(SCATTING)

Oh, I know that song.

(BOTH SCATTING)

♪ I love you baby

And if it's quite all right ♪

What are you doing?

Well, we were working

on our pop star careers,

but her voice is

way better than mine.

(LAUGHS)

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

You're not her mom.

What are you...

What are you...

What do you mean?

We were just singing, David.

Look, I'm sorry, but

when it comes to Phoebe,

I get very protective.

And, you can't just...

Look, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know that

that was a thing.

I'm not trying to, like...

I guess I didn't know

that that would upset you

because you don't

actually ever really

share anything with me.

(HORNS HONKING IN DISTANCE)

Do you know how I found out

your wife passed away?

From your doorman, David.

Yeah, well.

I just thought you were

divorced. I had no idea.

It's just been

two years, okay?

Phoebe's not

ready for all that.

I have no idea what

it's like to be a parent.

But, I feel like you

have to open up

to Phoebe about her mom.

Look, Alice.

I can't do this.

I'm sorry.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERING)

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(INAUDIBLE)

(KEYS JANGLING SOFTLY)

(CRYING) I know

I'm not supposed

to need you anymore, but...

I really do.

Come here.

I feel like I don't even

know who I am anymore.

It's okay.

I have to warn you,

I have this weird

farting thing happening.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't know if it's me,

or the baby farting

through me, or what, but...

Let me see.

(SIGHS)

Hi, you stinky little baby.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) You know

you're not gonna be able to

hide this for much longer.

You need to tell him.

(SHUSHING)

(ALICE CHUCKLES)

I love you, monkey.

I love you.

(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, let me guess.

You're one of those

parade-hating buzzkills

that stays at home,

while the rest of us

are out here,

celebrating

Saint Patrick's Day.

No. You know what?

I'm into it.

George is an eighth Irish.

Do you think he'll

like it? Look, I did...

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Who's George?

Luce. Hey!

Oh, there he is!

That's George?

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Yes!

(LAUGHING)

BOTH: Mmm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(MUSIC PLAYING STOPS)

(LAUGHS)

Hi.

Hi.

It's been forever.

Yeah.

Are you here with somebody?

Oh, no. I'm, I'm,

I'm alone.

I just thought I'd

grab some pancakes,

'cause I love pancakes.

This was our place.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Who are you here with?

I'm here with my parents.

JOSH'S MOM: Oh, my God.

Here they are.

JOSH'S DAD: Look who it is.

JOSH'S MOM: Alice!

ALICE: Hi! How are you?

JOSH'S DAD: Oh, my God.

We're here to celebrate.

How are you?

It's so good to see you. Hi.

Josh got into business school.

What?

JOSH: I did.

It just happened. It's crazy.

I didn't even know

you wanted to...

JOSH'S DAD: We were just

gonna take a picture.

Come on, get in here.

Oh.

We're just gonna

take a picture.

JOSH'S DAD: Come on,

come on, get in here.

Squeeze in.

JOSH: No, no, no!

Selfie time!

Selfie time. One, two...

No, I can take

one of you guys.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Three!

You're better than her.

Wow. What?

JOSH'S MOM: What?

Mom!

(JOSH'S MOM LAUGHING)

You need to go inside.

I know you've

said it a million times.

All right. There you go.

Take her inside,

and then take her home.

Great to see you again.

ALICE: Great to see you.

Okay.

Bye, guys.

It's great to see you.

It's great to see you.

Yeah.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

Don't squash my pancakes, man.

Oh, sorry.

Do you want to...

Yeah, let's...

We should hang out soon.

I'll see you around.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(SPITTING)

(MAN TALKS INDISTINCTLY)

(HORN HONKING)

(KNOCKS)

(MOUTHING) What the fuck?

Are you pregnant?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What?

(STAMMERS)

I've been trying

to have a baby. Yes.

I... It's probably

not even going to stick.

Yeah, I think it stuck.

Okay, I don't know

what that tone was

but, if you haven't noticed,

my boobs have

gotten much bigger.

Yeah, of course I noticed

your boobs getting bigger.

I put that on

my vision board, okay?

I thought that was

because of me.

Who does that?

I do! People like me,

visionaries!

Didn't you notice

that I was getting fat?

That's a trick question.

You are not getting fat.

You are beautiful, you

have always been beautiful,

and you are

carrying this so well.

(EXHALES) You think?

Is this why you've been

avoiding me lately?

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna...

(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna be a dad!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, we're gonna

have a baby!

We're gonna be...

Not "dads." We're gonna...

(CHUCKLES)

No, it's not.

Like, you're not...

It's not...

Is that not mine?

I'm just pregnant.

What do you mean,

you're "just pregnant"?

That's crazy.

How's that possible?

What?

I said, you're being crazy.

You've lied to me

the entire time

we've been together

about being pregnant

and now you're upset with

me because I believed it?

That's what a crazy

person does.

That's three times.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Say it again.

I don't know. It just

seems crazy to me.

I just want to

tell you something.

Usually, it's a good idea

not to call

a pregnant woman crazy.

(LAUGHS) You know

what I mean?

She's nuts, everybody.

So funny! (GRUNTS)

Oh, sh... Oh, my God!

Not funny!

Get it, girl.

Who is the father?

I don't know! I don't know.

How do you not know?

Stop yelling at me.

How could you not know

something like that?

Did you not catch his name?

I did I.V.F. with

a sperm donor.

Oh, my God.

Okay?

Do you have

a problem with that?

I don't have a problem

with that. It's your body.

Do whatever you

want with your body.

Cover it in tattoos.

I don't care.

I think I deserve to know

when there's someone

living inside the person

I'm having sex with.

Don't say that. That's gross!

There is nothing gross

about that. It is beautiful!

It's not your problem.

Not genetically, okay?

But my girlfriend

is having a baby.

Babe, if we're gonna

make this thing work, like,

this is the kind of

thing I need to know.

What are you gonna do?

Stay home and

take care of a baby?

Did I just win the lottery?

Yes, I want to stay home

and take care of a baby.

When I was eight years old,

my Halloween costume

was a stay-at-home dad.

You're saying I never

have to go to work again.

I get to hang out

with a baby all day?

Just stop saying

the word "baby."

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!

Because babies are awesome!

Okay, listen.

You and I, we probably would

have a lot of fun together

and then, one day, we would be

on this road trip together.

And I would be driving,

and then I'd get tired

and I would hate to do it,

but I would agree

to let you drive.

And then,

I would feel very safe,

and that's when

we would crash.

You think you can control

everything, but you can't.

That's not how this works.

If I could choose someone to

do this with, it would be you.

You can choose!

I just... I'm not the only

one in the car, anymore.

(SIGHS)

Yeah.

Well, for the record,

this is not me leaving.

This is you pushing me away.

(SIGHS)

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Daddy?

Yeah, babe?

I want the Eyes of You song.

Sing it to me.

Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?

Get some sleep.

(PHONE DINGS)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING

AND TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(PHONE DINGS)

(PHONE DINGS)

ALICE: It's just, Josh and I

could be married by now

and we would have, like,

the cutest little

baby daughter

and she would probably

be named after a fruit.

What kind of name is

"George," anyway? Right?

I hate his hair.

Actually, technically,

we would have

a four-year-old daughter,

in which case,

her name would be Rihanna.

What? We haven't known

each other four years.

No, not you. Josh.

Oh, right, yeah.

But, exactly. It's the same

thing with me and Lucy.

It's like, if I go to work,

and she's not there,

I'm like mad or something.

Yeah. Which is nuts,

because she's not completely

disgusted by you.

I don't get it. I don't

know where I'm gonna

find another one like her.

Yeah. I don't know, man.

Maybe we've just made

all the wrong moves.

Maybe, this whole time,

we've been focusing on

all the wrong stuff

and now it's just too late.

To the wrong stuff.

This is it.

We can't pass "eleven."

What are you talking about?

Our drink number.

In every male and

female friendship,

there's a number of drinks,

and if you pass it, you have

to have sex, mathematically.

Whatever, dude.

(CHUCKLES)

(BOTTLE CLATTERING)

Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.

Wha... Where did

that come from?

Uh, the floor.

One, two, three.

That's three.

Four, five, six.

Seven.

Eight, nine.

(BOTTLE CAP CLANKING)

It's just ten. It's just ten.

(EXHALES)

Eleven. Did you drink this?

No.

Oh, thank God.

You did.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

This may be a mistake.

It's just such a bad idea.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was

trying to bone the

Lucy out of my system.

Yeah, see, normally, I feel

like I'd be mad at that.

But I just did the

exact same thing to you.

Right, yeah.

Shit. I think I like her.

Like, when we're together,

I feel like me, but, like,

a better me.

See, that's the magic.

That's what I got to find.

Yeah.

I can let myself out.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(EXHALES)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL: Cheers! (LAUGHING)

Whoa!

(LAUGHING)

Alice! Happy Birthday!

Hi!

Thank you. What is that?

Give me that.

Um, this is actually for Meg.

I had it made for her,

specially.

ALICE: Aw...

That is so sweet.

Look how cozy. Oh.

Maybe I'll give it to her.

Just, later on.

Hey!

ALICE: No Tom, no Josh,

I'm just gonna have

a really good time

and I'm not gonna think

about any boys at all.

Here's to no drama.

No drama.

Whoo!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Happy Birthday!

(LAUGHS)

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

TOM: Thanks, buddy.

(GASPS)

I'll show you. This way.

Oh, my God.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!

Josh! What's up, man?

Wow, I haven't seen you

since college, man!

I'm just hanging.

I got to go get a drink,

but I'll catch you later.

Okay, cool. Yeah, man.

I'm gonna find Alice.

Tall person.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

TOM: We got a whole

"No hats" thing

but, uh, you seem like

a good guy, and, you know...

Hey. What's up, guys?

Hey.

Hey. Josh.

You're Josh?

What's that supposed to mean?

No, nothing.

Makes total sense.

Wait, how do you know Alice?

How do you guys know Alice?

Oh, fuck me.

This is Josh.

Makes sense.

What? Are you guys

new friends, or...

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

Come here.

Um, Tom is here,

and David, and Josh.

And David. Did I say David?

Yeah, I know,

because I invited them.

You're welcome.

Why? Why would you do that?

Because I thought it

would be funny. For me.

And good for you,

emotionally, to have

guys fighting over you.

Hey.

Hey.

What's going on?

How are you?

Pretty good. Uh, I need to

talk to you about something.

Great. Me, too.

You go first.

I'm getting married.

What?

(LAUGHS)

That's, uh...

Look, your computer

programs are total bullshit.

Your algorithms?

Also, total bullshit,

all right?

Just because the music stops,

doesn't mean you got to

sit in the closest chair.

You shouldn't be with George.

You should be with me.

Yes. I want to be with you.

What?

God, all those

bad dates at the bar,

there was something

that was always there.

You.

It was always me.

Yes. Oh, my God.

Right?

We could have

the best life together.

And, I mean, we're gonna

want to get married soon

because we'll probably want

to start a family right away.

Oh, my God. Our kids.

Our kids are gonna be so cute.

Exactly.

Which is why we should just

kind of pump the brakes

and not rush things, you know?

Let's... Let's take care

of us right now.

Oh, my God, Tom.

I'm totally messing with you.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

I don't want to be with you.

And you don't want to

be with me, either.

Wait.

Babe!

Oh, my God.

I saw everything.

I thought you were

gonna hyperventilate, man.

But I didn't!

Oh, Tom.

Come on. Don't be sad.

You know what this is?

This is the first,

tiny green sprout of life

fighting its way out

of the gravel parking

lot of your heart.

So, congrats.

(SCOFFS) That was beautiful.

Thank you, hon.

GEORGE: Oh, hang on,

one second.

Hey, quick, man,

just one last thing.

Stay the fuck away

from my girl, okay, man?

Or I will straight-up end you.

Okay. All right.

Okay?

So, just back off. You got it?

Yeah.

Because I put a ring on that

and you're coming at it

pretty hard with your dick.

Okay.

I'm fucking with you, man.

Cool, okay.

No, of course.

Lucy loves you, I love you.

We're brothers,

now, all right?

And, as such,

I would like to...

This is a big one...

(SIGHS) Ask you

to be my best man.

(STUTTERS) Yeah, you got it.

I'm fucking with you, bro!

Of course, you can't

be my best man.

You are a stranger to me.

Okay?

Yeah.

Just to recap, stay the

fuck away from my girl.

I don't want you

to be my best man.

We still love you,

you're family.

You'll definitely be

invited to the wedding.

Okay.

But, probably not.

So, don't be offended.

I'm glad we had

this talk, man.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL: Whoo!

Whoo!

DAVID: Uh...

You trying to hide from me?

Are you hiding from me? Hi.

Huh? Hi.

I didn't see you,

right over there.

It's a good hiding spot.

Uh, listen.

I've been thinking

about you a lot.

Look, David, I'm sorry, I...

I can't do this.

You made it so clear to me,

that you didn't want to, so...

That's not why

I came here at all.

I just came here

to apologize to you

for being such an asshole.

Oh.

Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)

Well, you were right

about Phoebe.

Oh, good. Did you talk to her?

Well, um, you know,

I'm working on it.

But, uh, are you okay?

(CHORTLES)

I'm working on it.

Happy Birthday.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

See? I told you

this would be fun.

Although, I thought

one of them was, like,

gonna punch each other

and that hasn't happened yet.

Robin, this isn't a joke.

This is my life.

But you know what?

I guess you wouldn't

actually understand that,

because you've

never really cared

about anybody enough

to ever get hurt.

So, this type of thing

doesn't affect you.

Okay. I'm sorry

I invited them,

but who gives a shit about me?

I do, because

you're my friend!

Am I? Because

as far as I can tell,

you only ever

want to hang out with me

when you get dumped

and you need someone

to cheer you up.

Well, you only ever

hang out with me

when you need me

to be your little sidekick.

The reason why I don't

hang around with you

when you're in a relationship,

is because you just turn

into this lame-ass shell

of a human being.

Nice.

Yeah, do you want

some real advice?

Yeah, what?

You're not gonna

find the right guy

by bumming free drinks

and slutting it up.

Where is this coming from?

This whole time, you've

been the one that's like,

"Oh, yeah, parties

and dicks and shots.

"Let's put shots

all over our bodies.

"More sparkles, bitch!"

It's about me

being sick of you just

meeting guys and

falling into their dick-sand.

Falling into their what?

Their dick-sand.

It's like, every time

a guy just looks at you,

you just forget

who you are, and,

like... (MOCKINGLY) "Oh!"

You get sucked

into their world.

At least when I do

decide I want a boyfriend,

I'm gonna find someone who

likes me for who I really am,

because I know

who the fuck that is.

(EXHALES)

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Happy Birthday.

(SCOFFS)

It's your birthday!

And I drank some of your gift.

You okay?

No. No.

God, you look pretty

when you're pissed.

I missed these.

(CHUCKLES)

What are we doing?

We're about to have sex.

What?

God.

What?

So, ever since I saw you,

I feel like we fucked up.

I shouldn't have let you go.

Because Michelle

and I are still together,

and we're actually engaged

and I feel like

we're fucking up.

What? What?

We're getting married,

but I don't know

if I want to do it yet.

Oh, my God.

Wait! I'm just telling...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Come here, come here.

You just let me

make out with

somebody else's fiance.

No, it's not cheating,

since we've already

been together.

What are you doing?

Wait, just...

You told me you missed me!

I... That's the whole point,

I miss you all the time.

I saw you and

you were so beautiful,

and you are so beautiful.

And I just need closure.

I think we need...

Is that what this...

This is closure for you?

Yeah.

Just one last screw

for old times' sake,

before you go and settle

down with somebody else?

(SIGHS) That's not...

I'm sorry, all right?

Uh, Alice.

No, you know, what?

I'm sorry. This is my fault.

I spent so much time

wanting you back

that, when I thought

that you wanted me back,

it's like I lost

my mind for a second.

Oh, my God. This is it!

This is the dick-sand.

I'm falling into your

dick-sand right now.

What?

It's like quicksand,

but with dicks.

I don't have dick-sand.

I'm so obsessed with

the idea of being in love,

that I just, it's like...

I completely lose myself.

Like, I forget what I want

and I just disappear.

I'm like the horse

in The Neverending Story.

I don't think it's coming out

like it's inside your head.

Josh. I want to be alone.

I know that

I've said that a lot.

But, for the first time

in my life,

I really, really,

truly mean it.

Congratulations on

your engagement.

(EXHALES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Where to?

Home.

(SIGHS)

I'm going home.

Woman! I don't know

where the fuck you live.

Oh, I'm sorry. Um, can I go

to South Second and Berry?

(ROBIN GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, my God!

(ROBIN EXCLAIMS)

Robin? Oh, my God!

(GROANS)

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Take us to the hospital,

and I won't sue you!

What's happening?

We got to go.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ROBIN SCREAMS) Hey!

(MEG GROANS)

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, it's happening.

No, no, no. It's fine,

it's fine, it's fine.

Oh, my God!

No, it's fine!

I got her, I got her.

The average labor

for a new mom is 26 hours.

It doesn't pop out

like it does on TV.

It's gonna be fine.

Okay.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, is it fine?

Is everything fine?

Get a cab. Get me a cab.

Okay!

ROBIN: I've got one!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS) Ooh!

Take us to the hospital

and I won't sue you!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

MEG: (BREATHING HEAVILY)

This is bad.

Okay, okay.

Oh, this is really bad!

(GRUNTS)

I need to call my

patients and say sorry.

No.

This is not natural!

Okay.

Oh, God!

You're at 10 centimeters,

and you've already entered

the second phase

of labor,

known as active labor.

What?

I went to medical school.

Is that so hard to believe?

BOTH: Yes!

This is gonna happen,

like, right now.

Get your foot off my tit.

Get your foot

off my tit, okay?

It's coming.

You are the cliche!

You are the lady

who's about to

have a baby in

the back of a taxi

and I'm

the Australian-American

hero who's gonna

make it happen!

In the cab, though?

Don't worry, Meg.

My hands and

my mouth have both

been recently

sterilized by vodka.

Feels like it's coming out.

No, no, no, no.

ROBIN: I'm going in.

I'm going in.

Chant with me!

ALICE: Hold it inside!

We can do this.

Do this.

We can do this.

We can do this,

we can do this.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

We're here! We're here!

ALICE: Get out. Get out.

MEG: Okay, open the door.

ROBIN: Shit, the door's...

MEG: Open the door.

It won't open!

MEG: Open the door!

It won't open!

ALICE: The door!

Wait! The window's working.

We just got to...

ALICE: What are you doing?

The door's locked!

(MEG CRYING)

Just open the door!

MEG: It's coming out!

ALICE: Robin! Okay,

you have to help her!

You have to help her.

She's gonna help you, okay?

MEG: I can't.

ALICE: Help her.

(MEG GROANING)

Come on!

Close your legs really tight.

Do not let it come out!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

Robin, it was locked!

(BOTH GROANING)

Come on!

(MEG GROANING)

Oh! My purse.

No, no, no, no! Get inside.

MEG: It's coming out!

I need a...

We need a wheelchair.

Jesus. Okay,

don't let it come out!

MEG: It's gonna come out.

Don't let it come out.

Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!

I need to... I need to push.

It's coming out.

It's coming out.

Are you coming?

You don't need me anymore.

(MEG BREATHING RAPIDLY)

ALICE: Okay.

MEG: Oh, God. Okay.

MEG: I'm scared.

I'm right here.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(INFANT COOS)

(SOFTLY) Hi.

(WHISPERS) I called him.

Look, I know

you don't want me here,

but just listen to me, okay?

You like me. A lot.

And I like you.

(COOING)

And you're crazy.

That's a fact.

Honestly, I think you're

probably just as crazy

when you're not pregnant.

But I'm allowed to say that,

because I love you.

I love you.

I'm gonna come back later.

Thanks. Thanks for calling.

Don't be weird.

Oh, thank you, thank...

Well, are you gonna

come meet her or not?

Her?

Mmm-hmm.

KEN: It's a "her"?

This is baby Madeline.

Oh, my God, look at you.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

(MADELINE COOS)

She's beautiful.

And I think I love you, too.

I mean, I do love you,

I don't know why

I just said that.

I really love you.

I really, really love you.

(CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERS) I mean, I don't...

I can totally handle

all of this by myself.

I'm an independent woman.

My God, seriously?

But I don't want to.

I don't.

Hi.

Mmm.

Doesn't she

look like an alien?

(SNORTS)

You are the most beautiful

alien in the world.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES)

(WHIRRING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(EXHALES)

(KNOCKING)

Hi.

What do you want?

I wanted to tell you that

I know that I can do

a lot of things on my own.

And I can unzip my own dress,

but I want you

to do it for me.

That sounded

really weird. Um...

I want you to watch

me unzip my dress.

No, sorry.

That sounded really sexual.

That's not what I meant.

What I meant is I want to

unzip my own dress

and I just want you

to be around,

because you're my best friend.

And I love you.

(SNIFFLES) And I'm totally

in love with you, too.

This is more than

just a friendship.

I'm so glad

you feel the same way.

Just joking!

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

I got you.

Oh, but I do love you.

And I missed you.

Oh.

I've been having Alice

withdrawal, seriously.

Wait, are you kidding me?

Is this where you live?

(GASPS)

Robin! This is

your 500 square feet,

where you keep your clothes

and occasionally bathe?

Uh, yeah.

I'm super rich.

Did I not mention that?

Wait. Why do we always

hang out at my place?

Why did you even

work at the firm?

(WHIRRING)

Wait, why do I pay for

everything all the time?

Wow.

Well, I didn't really need

to work at the firm.

I just really liked

hanging out with you.

And screwing those

two security guys.

Why do have a scooter?

This is my indoor scooter.

I have the whole floor.

I have literally

paid the bill,

every time we've gone out.

But that's how you

stay super rich.

God!

You have so much

to learn from me, still.

I want you to be

my sugar-daddy.

I'll be your sugar-sister.

I thought you

didn't do breakfast?

(SHUSHING) You're ruining it.

(MUFFLED GIGGLES)

ALICE: I've been thinking that

the time we have to be single,

is really the time we have

to get good at being alone.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

But, how good at being alone

do we really want to be?

Isn't there a danger

that you'll get so good

at being single,

so set in your ways

that you'll miss out

on the chance

to be with somebody great?

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Some people take baby steps

to settle down.

(FAUCET HISSING)

Some people refuse

to settle at all.

(ALL CHEERING)

Sometimes,

it's not statistics.

It's just chemistry.

(INAUDIBLE)

And sometimes,

just because it is over,

doesn't mean the love ends.

Um, I want to talk

to you about your mom.

She got sick when

you were really little

and I don't talk about her

because I still miss her.

Every day.

But, we need to

talk about her.

Who's that?

Me.

Who's that?

Mommy.

Yeah.

A lot of good memories

in here.

I want to show you something.

(PHOEBE GIGGLING ON TV)

♪ But if you

feel like I feel ♪

♪ Please let me know

that it's real ♪

(PHOEBE GURGLING ON TV)

♪ You're just

too good to be true ♪

♪ Can't take my

eyes off of you ♪

The Eyes of You song.

(PHOEBE'S MOM VOCALIZING)

The Eyes of You song.

(CHUCKLES)

(VOCALIZING CONTINUES)

♪ I love you, baby ♪

(DAVID SINGING ALONG)

♪ And if it's

quite all right ♪

♪ I need you, baby ♪

♪ To warm the lonely nights ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ Trust in me when I say ♪

♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪

♪ Don't bring me down I pray ♪

(HUMMING)

♪ Oh, pretty baby ♪

(SNIFFLES)

PHOEBE: Now I know

why you never sing.

Why?

Because your voice is so bad.

(LAUGHS)

What are you talking about?

That was excellent.

ALICE: The thing about

being single is,

you should cherish it.

Because, in a week,

(PANTS)

or a lifetime, of being alone,

you may only get one moment.

One moment,

when you're not tied up

in a relationship with anyone.

A parent, a pet,

a sibling, a friend.

(PANTING)

One moment, when you

stand on your own.

Really, truly single.

(LAUGHS)

And then,

it's gone.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)