Original subtitles

THIS FILM IS DEDICATED TO SIMPLE SOULS...

Yes. This film is dedicated to simple souls.

To maids who are in love,

to the lonely check-out assistants who spend their Sundays alone,

to the spinsters, who at 50, still hope to find their soul mate.

To the travelling salesmen, seeking amorous adventures,

who believe in the existence of a perfect manual for charmers.

Many centuries ago,

the famous sibyls, with their answers,

resolved problems for those in doubt.

The new temples which provide advice and answers

are newspaper kiosks.

The most famous writer for those in doubt is Lady Eva.

This isn't her, it's how Lady Eva describes herself in her column.

Every week she tells her readers about her personal grooming,

about her elegant life spent going to parties and fox-hunting.

She describes the wonderful villa where she lives,

which in actual fact is a house in the suburbs,

where every week a newspaper delivery man

brings Eva the letters from her readers.

The name on the doorbell isn't "Lady Eva Bolavsky",

but simply: "Cangiullo".

- Good morning. - Good morning, are you new?

Yes.

Eva, your mail has arrived!

Eva, your mail!

Today my voice could shatter chandeliers!

- I have a message from the editor. - Come this way, don't dirty anything.

Eva!

- Mama! - Here you are! Where were you, dear?

Your mail's arrived. There's a new delivery man.

Good morning, mama.

I was varnishing Tristan, his shell is opaque.

- Damn those tortoises! - Leave me alone, it's my hobby!

Tristan looks lovely when he's shiny. I can't bear to see him opaque.

Summer's not a great time for males, remember papa?

Isolde instead is a darling.

She would like to have fun, unlike him.

It's the same for tortoises too...

Mama.

What's this one like?

Muscly. I wish a feeble one would turn up.

At least then, less muscle... more brains.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- The usual "Discobolus". - Pardon?

Nothing, put it down here, my dear.

The editor says they're waiting for you to publish the magazine.

He said to hurry up with your replies.

- I don't know you, what's your name? - "Erose".

Eros, middle class.

It's the name of a horse that my father bet on and won,

two days after I was born.

It's a bastardly name, everyone teases me about it.

"Winged Eros shooteth his arrow and it stricketh the heart."

- Well? - What...

It's a verse by Byron that I used for a woman

whose pilot husband was cheating on her.

- It helped console her, poor woman! - What are you going on about?

Go, Eros, mama will give you your tip.

- Goodbye! - Tell the editor I'll be quick.

Letters! Letters!

Every day I must create a fantastical kingdom!

With this heat, I'll have to shower my bosom.

Eva, I gave the delivery man 30 lire, he walked up 9 flights!

I did the right thing, didn't I?

- Do you mean Eros? - Yes.

You're such an idealist!

Get to work! Leave that there. Tell me what the first letter says.

Let's see... "Abandoned 80-year-old."

- Abandoned? Not seduced? - No.

"I'm an 85-year-old woman, widowed, with no children,"

"and I've no shame in admitting that I'm very rich, a millionaire in fact."

I am lonely and bored of living in my huge villa

surrounded only by irritating people who ruin my day.

Especially a doctor, who I, much to my regret,

brought over from England

and who torments me with his treatments.

I feel I still have my whole life ahead,

but I can no longer stand this situation. I'm desperate.

"Seeing the situation I find myself in, tell me:"

"is there any hope for me?" - At 80?

Correct.

Write this...

Dear "Abandoned 80-year-old",

your handwriting reveals a youthful, enterprising and sensuous spirit.

Sensuous at 80?

Why not! Every age has its charm.

I'll publish your letter so that some kind soul can hear your plea

and resolve your problem.

Mama, you see how hopeful these 80-year-olds are?

You too could find yourself a boyfriend.

"Hungry for an Oscar". Here's another wannabe film star.

"Lady Eva, only you can console my sadness"

"for not having yet become rich and famous."

"I'm not crazy, I live in the suburbs..."

I'm a sales assistant in a tobacconist's.

But I feel I was born to be a film star.

Chained to my dark fate!

Today's news and a big, fat cigar.

"The State Commission's decision is imminent..."

What did you give me?

Every morning, in the privacy of my bedroom, I torment myself.

Even though I'm 19, I think I have the artistic talent of a diva.

Sophia Loren's communicative skill.

MEASUREMENTS OF THE STARS Neck - Bust - Waist

Lollobrigida's interpretative skill.

And all of Marilyn Monroe's means of expression.

Unfortunately I have an old-fashioned parent who knows nothing about art.

But I know I can make it.

So I'm writing to you for help and for advice.

My life depends on it!

"My life depends on it."

This makes a total of 102 artistic vocations this week.

This one even sent a photo! Where do all these vocations come from?

When you're born an artist like this girl

your vocation becomes stronger as you get older!

This girl's vocation seems irrepressible.

Mama, do you have any more of those chicken hormones?

I need a pick-me-up.

To look good I should have Kelly's measurements. Write.

Dear "Hungry for an Oscar",

your vocation is legitimate and genuine...

My dear, let's answer one more then go to bed.

"Cheerful soul from Caltanissetta."

Nonsense!

They never write intelligent things, of any spiritual or geographical interest.

Good heavens, no! We'd need an encyclopaedia then.

Listen to what this silly girl says!

"Lady Eva, do you believe in love at first sight?"

Why is that silly?

Write.

Dear "Cheerful soul",

you ask whether I believe in "coup de foudre".

Of course.

I will tell you about something that happened to me,

who's always tried to learn from the great lesson of life.

I was in Paris.

I remember I came across Olga Alexandrovna's "coach-and-four",

"The siren dressed as a Cossack", as the Tsar jokingly called her.

It was spring and I felt light-hearted,

and my love for nature, learnt at the Balzac School,

made me stop in front of a stall selling flowers,

similar to those in a Renoir painting.

I remember buying roses and magnolias to make a bouquet

to place at the feet of my favourite icon.

I was a very devoted young woman.

I continued walking, when suddenly he appeared!

It was like a sudden, violent clash of souls.

- Are you blind? Didn't you see me? - I'm sorry.

Are you hurt?

No, I'm fine.

Instead it was a case of instant infatuation, my dear "Cheerful soul".

- No, I'm sorry. - I'm more sorry than the both of you!

Who's going to pay for my goods?

- I'm sorry, it was my fault. - Your head's always in the clouds!

Last time you took a kilo of melons without paying for them!

In good faith!

How dare you offend the lady? Pick on me instead.

You don't even know how to drive a moped!

The insult directed to my honour by the odious Viscount of Tourbillon,

who later vanished from the European scene

due to a sardine scandal that made many crowned heads shudder,

called for action, a duel. And he fought for me.

They faced each other in a pistol duel on a cold September morning.

- Leave him alone! - You're lucky I got a caution!

You're the lucky one!

Where's that cat gone? Fifì!

Fifì, come here! At last! You're convalescing.

- I found it at last. - Is it yours?

- She's a patient of mine, Fifì. - Are you a vet?

Yes.

Taking care of defenceless animals is a mission.

Is our lovely Fifì sick?

She had a minor skin rash caused by ticks and fleas.

Nothing serious, she just needs some milk and petrol lotion.

She'll stink for a while, but then she'll be fine.

So who's paying for the 50 kilos of aubergines?

Pass by my house, it's number 22.

- You mustn't pay, it was my fault. - Not at all, it was my fault.

I've already been rewarded by meeting a gentleman.

- Don't forget, number 22. - Okay.

- Number 22 on this street? - That's right.

The same building as me.

- I'm Mr Marco Cappelli. - Baroness Eva Bolavsky.

My mother's Polish.

Isn't life strange? You live near someone without ever seeing them,

then suddenly the tracks of chance bring you together.

For him too it was a case of sudden infatuation, dear "Cheerful soul".

He looked at me for a long while then he said, in a different tone:

- Can I give you a ride? - Pardon?

A lift on my moped.

I sat down on the seats of his Hispano-Suiza

on which the leather from our sister country Bulgaria

was intertwined with the soft suede from our Finnish cousin.

He set off slowly, his hands almost caressing the car

as if it were alive. We didn't talk, the speed intoxicating us

like an acute, pungent perfume.

And you ask, my dear "Cheerful soul", if I believe in love at first sight?

"Coup the foudre" is my creed for romance.

Eva... really?

Mama, do you want to see him?

Eva, a vet!

You can see what type he is by how he treats animals,

and we intellectual women like these "Brando types",

these "muscle boys". - What does that mean?

Hunks, mama!

Hello? Bolavsky Residence.

Good morning, sir.

Miss Cangiullo, this is your boss speaking.

When will your blessed column arrive?

I've halted printing because your answers haven't arrived yet.

Do you know what it means to stop an editorial sector such as ours?

Good afternoon, sir.

We're somewhat pressed for time, try to be quick. Goodbye.

As usual we're waiting for Cangiullo. She's a liability!

Did you see the people outside? One day they'll wreak havoc.

Nonsense! You think those people bother me?

They're all readers and Lady Eva has made us sell more copies!

Sir, Cangiullo's column lowers the newspaper's grade.

I wanted to give it a more serious slant, a political one...

Come off it, that's nonsense, Mr Borgiani!

Newspapers are made to be sold!

- It's a matter of dignity. - Rubbish, Mr Borgiani!

When I see people reading my newspaper I'm happy!

And I'm grateful to Lady Eva.

They don't read your political stuff, they read Lady Eva's column!

In fact, what's more,

in the next edition Lady Eva's column will be on the front page.

Everyone'll read it! If there's room, we'll include your political column.

From politicians to labourers, aristocratic ladies to dressmaker's,

Lady Eva must enter people's homes like the radio, films and TV do!

"Abandoned 80-year-old..."

Your handwriting reveals a youthful, enterprising and sensuous spirit.

I'll publish your letter so that some kind soul can hear your plea...

and console your solitude.

"Kind soul."

Dear Lady Eva, my husband no longer thinks about me.

He neglects me, saying he works too much and is always tired.

How can I win his affection back?

Dear "Shipwrecked lover", how you must suffer!

The love of many wives was sacrificed to Hymen.

So I will give you too the usual advice I give in these cases.

To win back your husband's affection

you must create for him an atmosphere of warmth and tenderness.

Be beautiful at all times.

If your husband neglects you, call him at work.

Yes, this is the news kiosk.

What? Mr Gigliozzi is directing traffic. Thanks.

Move along!

What are you doing? Move it!

Is it urgent? I'll call him right away!

Mr Gigliozzi. Mr Gigliozzi!

- What is it? - There's a call for you.

- It's a woman, she said it's urgent. - I can't come, I'm working.

- She said it's very urgent! - Go away!

Urgent? Grandma's died!

At her age she insists on doing the laundry! She's so stubborn!

Wait. I'm coming!

Hello? How did it happen? What time did Grandma die?

Grandma! What time did she die?

It's not your grandma, it's me. Can you hear me clearly, Pipinuccio?

Of course! Why, is the phone broken?

I didn't mean the phone.

I want you to feel the warmth of my affection.

What warmth? Are you nuts? I'm directing traffic!

- Do you want to get me sacked? - What?

I'm taking an interest in your work, trying to rekindle the lost affection.

Lady Eva suggests...

I knew it! It's that stupid pain in the ass of a woman!

It's her who tells you to put steaks on your face while I starve!

Stop listening to that wretched woman!

If Mr Tamburello catches me on the phone while I'm on duty,

I won't get promoted! Do you understand?

I knew it! Damned, wretched woman!

Do you want to break the phone?

Dammit, what a long cable!

Mr Tamburello!

Good.

- Good morning, is everything okay? - Good morning. Yes.

- Luckily, you're here. - Modestly speaking, when I'm here...

No need to be modest, you're good.

Tonight you'll be on duty at Piazza Colonna and at Piazza Venezia.

Cars will be returning from Castelfusano

and so will the fans from the match at Stadio Olimpico.

- We need someone with authority. - Don't worry.

I hope I'll live up to your expectations.

It's in my interest, I'm waiting to be transferred to HQ.

- Do your best then. - I will.

My regards to your wife and to your mother.

I know she's still alive.

- I'm an orphan, unfortunately. - I'm sorry. Goodbye, Gigliozzi.

Dammit! Piazza Venezia and Piazza Colonna...!

LONG LIVE PIPINUCCIO

Lady Eva says I mustn't lose heart even though I'm rich

and he's just a traffic officer.

She says married life should be full of surprises.

So I didn't tell Pipinuccio that it's our 15th wedding anniversary.

And he doesn't know you're here either!

Great idea, this way we were able to meet each other.

What a surprise it'll be for him to find his boss here!

He always talks about Mr Tamburello.

Now Mr Tamburello is in his house!

- I don't understand this invitation! - It's a kind invitation.

He could've invited me himself, I spoke to him today!

I could've said no!

But these calls between our wives, this indirect invitation...

Calm down, you have to show your staff some understanding.

I do that!

I think I know why he invited me. He wants a promotion.

- I can't stand all this grovelling! - Be quiet!

Hush! We saw him from the window, he's coming!

- And so? - Hush, it's a surprise!

I feel dazed.

Three hours in the sun in that uniform! Oh, my head!

- Lift! - One moment!

City people have a great life!

My dear, how nice to see you!

After 15 years, have you only noticed me now?

What's up with you?

- Leave me alone. - Do you know what day it is today?

June 15th, the anniversary of the invention of the quadrilateral.

What a great invention!

- I've a surprise for you. - I'm tired, I've been in the sun...

- Don't take your jacket off! - What's the matter with you today?

- Put this blindfold on. - What are you doing?

Don't take it off!

Swear on your mother's life that you won't take it off.

All right!

- What are you doing? - I'll blindfold you like Cupid.

I'd love to meet this Cupid! Slow down, wait!

Don't make me fall! If I fall, I'll break my legs!

Don't move or take off your blindfold, you swore!

- I'll be right back. - Damn the day I married her!

The armchair was over here.

Is there a draft in here?

Where am I? Is this the sitting room?

Here it is.

My goodness, my shoes! Dammit!

Five junctions!

Not one, but five junctions!

I'm worrying about my promotion and she wants to surprise me.

New socks, dammit.

Teresa's left me like this! Can I take my blindfold off?

No! You swore you wouldn't!

That uniform is so tight on me!

It makes me itch all over! Even my liver's itchy!

Seven hours of junctions! It's enough to drive you up the wall.

Exactly. Talking of walls...

I've got a rash!

This joke has gone too far, I'm a public official!

- Hush now, it's time to surprise him. - Right, great surprise.

- Shall I keep it on? - Yes, hold on, there's a surprise.

- A surprise! - How was work?

I slaved away for 3 hours in the sun at the fourth junction of the day!

I'd just finished when guess who showed up to assign me to another five?

Mr Tamburello. What a nice man he is!

The phone rings, who is it? Tamburello!

I open the door and who's there? Tamburello!

I hear a noise, who's there?

Oh God... I hear a noise...

Oh God.

Tamburello!

Tamburello...

I could see through this blindfold... Mr Tamburello.

Did you like the... joke?

- We were going along with it too. - I didn't want to take part, but...

- We're good sports. - The Tamburellos are our guests!

My dear, the Tamburellos are here! Why are you here?

Your wife...

It was her! I should've known!

- The surprises aren't over, are they? - This is my wife.

Mrs Tamburello! I'm so honoured.

Mr Tamburello's mother.

Here's your surprise!

Happy anniversary to us, happy anniversary to us...

What happened to you?

- Sorry! Go away! - I'll go check on the food.

- Your wife... - Of course! Of course!

- My mother's here, and my wife... - I'm sorry, Mr Tamburello.

Excuse me... I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Is that Lady Eva's house? They gave me the right number.

She just wanted to help!

Eva, a man's making threats and saying terrible things about you!

- Must be someone we haven't paid. - No, it's a crazy reader.

Maybe it's "Valentine's Spirit", the one who was in the asylum.

I suggested he try to escape. In the spiritual sense though! Now go.

Hello? Eva speaking. I understand, "Valentine's Spirit".

When I escaped with a child in my arms when Warsaw was invaded,

they thought I was mad.

I'm hanging up! I'm a public official!

For goodness' sake, I'm a public official, I can't stoop this low!

I'll ruin my career!

HAPPINESS IS GUARANTEED WITH LADY EVA'S ADVICE

If you're convinced you have the sacred artistic fire within you,

then all you need is the chance for your destiny to be fulfilled.

Not excluding that you can create this golden opportunity for yourself.

All the great divas started their careers by chance.

I suggest you purchase the entire series of "Hollywood Stars",

published by us, which costs 100 lire per issue.

But glory didn't come easily to our Marilyn.

After 3 years of failed attempts she wouldn't have become a star,

if one day, appearing in a film as an extra,

she hadn't been spotted by the director,

who gave her a bigger role, making her the protagonist.

Wait, the director's coming! Don't push!

- How do you get hired? - Did you register at the job office?

- No. - Get lost then!

Make way, let me through!

I don't have time, talk to the production team! Out of the way!

Martine's story doesn't begin in a television studio.

It's a very strange story, it starts with a suicide.

The world discovered Martine Carol and her beauty...

the day she jumped into the Seine. Her attempted suicide caused a stir.

Poor Tristan and Isolde!

I put them in the fridge so that I can call the doctor.

How sweet, they're like statues, they never move!

Won't they die of cold before your vet gets here?

Tortoises live for over 300 years, read the encyclopaedia.

Good.

What shall I make you for dinner?

Go to the cinema! I don't know when the vet will come.

I don't know which film to choose. Films aren't what they used to be!

What shall I wear?

I don't know. How about that pretty sweater of yours?

It makes you look like a schoolgirl. Bye!

Maybe I'll wear your Bulgarian shrug.

I don't know which to choose.

At the Excelsior, there's that new film.

At the Metropolitan, the same one. Are they all showing the same film?

- At the Impero, "Sabrina"! - Haven't you seen it, mama?

Go see it, she's wonderful, delightful!

Sabrina? That's an idea!

What if I dressed up like Sabrina?

I'd need to wear trousers, but my hips are bigger than Audrey's.

The hair's no good, it's nothing like hers.

Maybe the shape will do...

I'll dye it.

Black on blonde, that'll cover it.

It'll take an instant.

Hello? Antonio, it's Eva Bolavsky.

I want to be a brunette again. Can you do it right away?

Good, I'm on my way.

- Good evening, can I help you? - Good evening, I'm the vet.

Ah! I was miles away!

Where are the patients? I can't stay long.

Go on through, please.

I have to hurry, I'm going to Fara in Sabina to visit two sick cows.

Cows, oh!

Yes, two cows.

Doctor, make yourself at home. I don't know where you can sit.

I've been on a long trip and hardly remember my house.

- Would you like some tiger's milk? - No, thanks. I'm teetotal.

We vets have to be careful. When I'm on duty, I don't drink.

Sorry.

But it's just a little cocktail.

- Where are the patients, please? - Here.

Tristan and Isolde are never sick, but today they're so stiff.

I hope you can do something.

My darlings, the vet will make you better.

- There's ice under their shells. - They've caught a cold! Is it serious?

Being frozen is one thing, a cold is another.

They're both symptoms that, let's say... complement each other.

I need to think about this, work out why it's happened.

I'm in no rush, I'm as patient as someone from the Orient.

Beneath the sclera, the numerous bony plates,

under the third eyelid... Tortoises have three eyelids.

Really? Would you like a bite to eat?

Maybe my mama has left me something in the fridge.

Ah, I see! Do you have the habit of leaving your fridge open?

I have no habits. But I have many flaws.

They just needed some warmth, now they're fine.

Be careful, keep your fridge closed and your tortoises will be fine.

- Thank you! - Have we met before?

Perhaps, maybe in Monte Carlo.

No, I only met Russians there.

- In Biarritz. - Where?

Biarritz.

What district is that in?

No, I never stray very far from Piazza Bologna.

I know! Your Vespa (wasp).

No, I haven't treated wasps recently.

I meant the moped you were on the other day.

The moped.

Now I remember! I crashed into you!

- Actually, my name's Eva Bolavsky. - But the doorbell says "Cangiullo."

My mother's Polish.

Weren't you blonde when I ran into you?

You remember me being blonde?

Men have the most extraordinary imagination!

You know... I'm a writer.

- Ah! That's why you're so... - So... what?

Strange. You're strange.

Perhaps. I have a letters page in the newspaper.

People write sweet things, bizarre things!

For example, one asks me whether I believe in thunderbolts.

Do you believe in thunderbolts?

Sure, that's what happened to the cows in Fara Sabina.

They're very dangerous. I have to go, the cows are waiting.

First tell me what kind of cows they are.

- Swiss? - Dunno!

Someone else asked me: "How does a gentleman behave when he dances?"

Help me answer that.

- How do you behave when you dance? - When I dance... I dance.

Let's dance.

- What are you saying? - It's a French song.

"When you're with me, life is marvellous."

- How come? - It doesn't sound as good in Italian.

Ours is a complicated language, full of adverbs and particles.

Songs are a load of nonsense. Nightingales, doves...

In songs, animals always act stupid.

Who are they trying to fool? Ignorant people!

For example, nightingales don't tweet.

There's someone at the door.

Really? It must be the milk boy. The boy from the dairy.

Talking of milk, the cows! I'm running late.

Please, don't go, I don't want anyone seeing you at this time, we're alone.

- Please, call Miss Cangiullo. - That's me.

- But you look different! - What happened?

This is the consequence of your damn column!

But this time you'll be in trouble.

- Incitement to suicide. - Oh, a maid! Who is she?

Someone who tried to commit suicide.

They brought her to our offices. Her ID says she's from Vigevano.

She kept repeating your name: Lady Eva.

No, I don't know any maids from Vigevano.

She's fainted again! Do something!

But I've seen her before!

- Is it serious? - She's in shock.

- What should we do? - "We"? What should you do!

You keep her. We can't let the police think that we incited her to do it.

Your column is to blame. Goodbye and all the best!

Wait, don't go! Poor girl!

Why did the silly thing have to show up now? Doctor!

- Who's she? - My protégé, she attempted suicide.

- She did what? - Doctor, do something, I'm scared.

I'm a weak woman, I'm trembling.

- Doctor, please! - This is a new case for me.

Do something, after all... you're a doctor.

I'm scared. Lay her on the bed. If she dies here, I'm ruined.

I've never treated humans.

Check if she's breathing, if there's a heartbeat, she's okay.

- Don't undress her here. - But you're a doctor.

I'm a vet. I'm not used to this.

Imagine she's a cat. I'll get you some hot water, okay?

A cat!

To bring her round cold water is better.

Hot water is used for labour.

- How's her heart? - Round.

- What do you mean by "round"? - Well, it's beating.

She's waking up.

- Where am I? - Stay calm, you're at Lady Eva's.

- Lady Eva! - Yes.

Is he Prince Poliakov?

- Who is Poliakov? - One of my characters.

I'm Isabella.

They all fall in love with him.

Here.

Marco, you look like him.

Hello? May I come in?

Is anyone home in this house of advice?

I can't hear anyone, but I'll come in anyway.

How lovely!

Very charming!

Bazaar-style, very Casablanca. How novel!

How much correspondence! Typical Lady Eva surroundings.

How much correspondence! An animal on the lamp, how original!

Is anyone home? There's a solitary baron here!

Don't shock me with a sudden appearance.

Is anyone home?

- The thermometer... - May I? You're Lady Eva, right?

Let me rejoice at the sight of your very original page boy hairstyle.

- You're dressed like Henry VIII. - Sorry? "Henry the Steak"?

- Very amusing! - Who are you?

- I'm the kind soul. - I don't know you.

Maybe you don't know, but because of your amusing answers,

my friends and I in Capri talk about you all the time.

"Lady Eva! Lady Eva!"

I went to your workplace and they gave me your address.

They said: "Go bother her at home".

- They're rather uncouth. - I know.

But what do we care? This is great fun all the same.

May I? I'm Baron Rodolfo Vanzino Castelfusano d'Arezzo.

Pleased to meet you. Eva Bolavsky, Baroness Baravich.

Make yourself at home, my house is your house.

Your noble titles are original, long and incomprehensible.

- They sound exotic. - I'm from Warsaw. Sit down.

Thanks. Instead of "sit down" you should say "be seated".

- Would you like some tiger's milk? - Just a drop.

I read in your column about a poor elderly lady.

A sad, lonely, abandoned lady, a millionaire, I believe.

Ah, "Abandoned ninety-year-old"! You had me worried!

It's horrid!

But it's great fun! Revolting.

I thought your answer was very original too.

"Madam, you say you're a millionaire. May your case be an example"

"to all those who think that money brings happiness."

Money brings happiness?!

No, a kind soul does! And I'm a kind soul.

I'm interested in this lady's case.

Who do you think raised me? My father?

He's a madman who squandered his assets.

My mother died of a broken heart. So who do you think raised me?

- Maybe a Schwester. - Who?

A Schwester.

No, an old lady! My grandma! That's why I'm a fan of old ladies.

I can always hear the voice of an old lady in my head.

I own a big villa and I transformed it into a rest home.

I call it "Bliss House, A return to childhood".

I'd like to contact that old lady.

I don't usually put my readers in contact with each other.

- I just act as a go-between. - I see.

- But your name inspires confidence. - Of course, Castelfusano d'Arezzo!

I could tell my reader to visit Bliss House.

Good idea, Lady Eva!

You send the old lady to me,

she'll be happy to see that blissful paradise for the elderly!

You send her to me.

When will that be?

This outing in the car is not good for you, Madame Virginia.

- I'm still wondering why I allowed it. - Because I'm paying you!

Lady Eva has found a kind soul. I must go and see for myself.

BLISS HOUSE A RETURN TO CHILDHOOD

No, I don't want to!

- Come on. - No!

I don't want to!

- Come here, my dear. - No! I don't want to!

I don't want to!

- Cesarina, be a good girl. - No!

- What's behind your back? - Nothing, sir.

- You've a crafty look, show me! - It's nothing.

- Nothing? What's this then? - Bread.

- Why are you stealing bread? - Because my ration's not enough.

To pay for my boarding costs I use up all the pension

I received from my late uncle, the explorer, who died in Abyssinia!

- Good girl! - No! No!

Did you hear that? Her ration's not enough!

- Is yours not enough too? - No!

Who said "no"?

Who said it?

Shut up you, you're not an old lady, you're a man!

Cesarina, let's go into the games room with the bread.

- Come on. - No! Not into the games room!

- Yes, Cesarina. - What'll they do to her?

The other day they took Floridiana into the recreation room

and gave her scalp a treatment.

- Did they shave her head? - Yes.

We're here at last.

How did the lottery ticket selling go?

Badly. The fireman's lottery ruined things for us.

- But we made 2,000 lire. - I put it under my hat.

Go into the loft and put it under the brick

before the manager comes.

Let's hope he doesn't notice.

Hurry, let's be quick.

- My knee hurts. - Not your knee again!

Stop!

Good morning, Serafina and Veronica! Come on up.

Come on up, my dears. Was the wrinklies' lottery a success?

- Yes. - Let me see.

What's under your hat? Did you hide the takings?

Those who hide the takings under their hat will pay with their soul.

Sir.

- What is it? - They've arrived.

- All of them? - Yes.

Twelve coats and 24 dresses! I've waited two years.

- The grocery bills must be paid first. - Why?

I'm the grocer for this rest home

and I'm owed a million lire! - I'm owed five million!

- Five? - Yes, five!

My dear friends! I must hurry, I need to get changed.

I wanted to call you to organize a nice dinner all together.

- Do you know each other? - Yes.

He's a fantastic tailor. Let him dress you.

How's your wife? Is she still fat? She's great fun!

Does your son still work in the shop?

You owe me five million! I want it here, right away!

Do I look like someone who'd get ripped off for five million?

- You got ripped off for five million? - Yes.

- By who? - By you!

- You don't say! - I do.

- Well, I never! - Are you taking the mickey?

No, I'm fond of you.

- You owe us too! - But he's first in line.

Why?

- We grew up together. - You know what I'll do?

I'll tell the cops about that appliance you sold me.

- The one you put in the bar? - Yes.

But that was from Sweden! The Swedes don't play tricks, do they?

No. But you tricked me. The cops came and took it away.

Of course, the ball was rolling backwards!

- How will I get my five million back? - Good question, how?

- You own a villa. - And the furniture.

And the paintings!

It's all been seized!

- What about the old ladies' rest home? - Don't remind me!

They don't make me a profit anymore!

I've got 20 old ladies.

20,000 lire each... plus all the expenses!

They're half bonkers. I give them mushy food, withered greens...

Goddammit! There's no profit to be had with the old ladies!

- Do you want them? - Are you kidding?

- You can have the lot of them. - What'll we do with them?

- Make soap. - Are you nuts?

They're not all the same, you know!

I have a new old lady arriving.

Lady Eva put me in touch with her, through her letters page.

- She's an old billionaire! - A billionaire?

- Sir, the Countess is here. - She's here!

There she is!

Let's get out.

- Nice. - Is it here?

- Wow, she's old! - Where's the money?

Don't worry about that.

Let her come in. Once she's here... she won't be going anywhere!

- Let me help you. - Leave me alone, I can manage!

It was a terrible idea to let you go out after all this time.

- Leave me alone, stop bothering me! - Madame Virginia!

Let's look for the director.

Doctor, it looks like an antique print.

Let's continue with the story.

"The seventh dwarf ran over to look in his bed and who did he find?"

"Snow White!"

"So he called the other dwarves to come and have a look".

"Oh, what a beautiful girl!"

Dear ladies, have you finished your sweeties?

Here you are! Have more sweets, you greedy girls!

When you've finished them, ask for more.

What do my eyes see? Our new boarder!

Madame Virginia, welcome!

Dear ladies, a round of applause for our dear beloved Countess!

Welcome, Bliss House welcomes you warmly with open arms.

- It's the kind soul! - I am the Good Samaritan.

- Ask and you shall receive. - Let me introduce...

- A relative? - No.

- I'm the lady's doctor. - I see!

You won't need a doctor here. This is a happy place, no doctors!

What do you mean?

I need the old lady, not the doctor. She will resolve all my problems.

I'll let you listen to a choir I made great sacrifices to create!

Okay, Joe!

I'm English.

What's his problem?

Did you like it, Countess?

This is an example of our blissful atmosphere.

- Well done, old girls. - Thanks.

- How lovely! - Did you like it, Countess?

I'd say this happy fusion of vocal beings works.

- Is it your work? - Yes, Countess.

You're such a talented, intelligent and kind young man!

I never heard my mother's voice, I was raised by an elderly lady.

My grandma. And now I'm giving back the kindness I received.

Oh, my dear man! No, no, really...

Don't be sad, let's be cheerful.

- I've decided to stay here. - Thank you, Countess.

- I'm staying in this blissful place. - Go join your sisters!

- She's happy. - Very happy, right?

Sir, Madame Virginia has a very weak heart.

- A weak heart? - Yes, very weak.

Take note, no plum cakes, no candies...

- No cakes. - No cakes?

Silence! Well, what do I see?

- A cake for our new old lady! - Hooray!

Don't rejoice, it's not for you! This cake is for our new boarder.

- Is it all for me? - Yes, Madame Virginia.

This sophisticated cake is made with cream, sugar and chocolate!

- What's up? - Guess. It was a joke!

It cost me 10,000 lire! I'll kill you!

No! I'll be good!

Aren't the others eating?

Of course! Healthy, wholesome food, bowlfuls of mushy food!

They must avoid sugary foods, that's why they're so sprightly!

Don't do that!

When the other countess arrived, Floridiana tried to do the same thing,

she reached out her arm to get some cake,

but he broke it.

What else did I do? Do you remember?

- Yes, now I do. - Tell her.

- He also broke six ribs of hers! - How awful!

The television!

Hurry, my beloved benefactor Lady Eva is on.

RAI TV.

That brings us to the end of our Eurovision broadcast.

From the Rome Opera House,

we saw a live broadcast of Act I of "Aida."

And now for our most popular weekly programme:

"Share your secret with Lady Eva."

This programme is linked to the letters page

of a well-known weekly publication: "Adam and Eve."

The programme is linked to the competition run by the weekly journal,

the modern woman's periodical...

You should've worn a flower, it would've brightened you up.

No, I'm a lady by way of my fourth husband. I should have diamonds.

- Will Mr Cappelli be listening? - Yes, by chance.

This programme will make him realise we're made for each other.

Lady Eva left a week ago to go on a long trip,

but she's so fond of her viewers

that she insisted on doing the programme all the same.

She'll be joining us from Warsaw.

Lady Eva Bolavsky will be speaking from her castle. Over to you, Warsaw.

My dear ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

I'm here in my castle in Warsaw.

I've received so many of your delightful letters this week.

Unfortunately a week goes by too quickly.

It lasts an instant, as they say, like the blossoming of a rose.

Let me tell you: if I've been the remedy for your troubles,

you needn't thank me, but the beautiful Italian sky

that has consoled me during my misfortunes...

Good evening.

Good evening, the lady of the house...

Lady Eva.

Yes, she told me that there was an interesting programme on tonight.

- It's started. - I don't have a television

and the one in the bar isn't working. So I thought that...

You want to watch it here. Come in, I'm alone, I was ironing.

- You're alone? - Yes, no one's here. Come with me.

Lady Eva wants me to star on TV so I can become an actress,

but not tonight, I have to do her ironing.

- Lady Eva is very demanding. - No, she was so kind to take me in.

- Do you like this programme? - Of course, why?

- I don't wish to impose on you. - Let's listen.

Let me reply to a reader...

I can't find his letter, never mind.

He calls himself: "Good morning, shyness."

He's a shy man, his problem is one that millions of men have.

The advice I give him will be useful to all of them.

To cure his shyness, there's only one remedy:

wear the mask of a brute.

Listen to me, shy man, follow my advice.

If a lady has enticed you with a sign, even with just a smile,

do not hesitate,

wear the mask of a brute,

don't doubt yourself,

and attack!

Like in the fairy tale, the little lamb wants to be devoured by the wolf.

I hope you've found my advice useful.

Then my dear little lambs

will find out if their ideal life companion

is hiding under that mask.

PROGRAMMES ARE OVER

The programme's over.

Oh God, the door! It's Lady Eva!

I'll use the servant's exit, you distract her.

- Holy Mary! - Ssh!

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- You're still up? - I wasn't sleepy.

- Did you enjoy the programme? - Very much.

Thank goodness.

- Aren't you going to bed? - I was checking the servant's door.

- Let mama do that. Off you go, dear. - Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Do you think he watched the programme and got the message?

Of course, but poor man, he lacks courage.

He's one of those men who want to get married.

Eva, what are you saying?! What about your work? And your fans?

By the way, Borgiani called...

Not him, with his letters... the cooks, the pensioners, the maids!

I'm sick of other people's business, I want to focus on mine.

Like I wrote to "Lonely Pine" a few weeks ago,

the only thing a woman wants is love.

He earns 40,000 lire a month, he's a vet.

I know, but alongside me, he could become someone.

Along the lines of Voronoff, or Hauser...

I've already thought of an interesting idea:

An Animals Beauty Institute.

- What? - A beauty parlour for animals.

Where will you get the money?

I know someone... Madame Virginia.

Your idea for an institute for dogs is delightful!

I have the whole project in mind.

I could promote it through my television programme.

Fantastic.

For the administrative side of things, my mama will be perfect.

Your mama? Madame Virginia, I'm good at administration too.

- Your mama could give me a hand. - I have the perfect manager for you.

- A great professor and vet. - Who?

He's very good, he spent a long time in Paris.

Paris! What a great city, Paris! So many people!

There's the hunchback of Notre-Dame!

Madame Virginia, I need to ask you for a little financial backing.

- We could build the institute. - Of course.

It needs to be elegant.

You naughty thing! Madame Virginia is a naughty little thing!

Always ready to spend her money!

But you can't touch Madame Virginia's capital. Naughty little girl!

I have the perfect place.

My crazy father used to house his cattle there. The barn!

What do you think of the barn?

Look how big it is.

Here we could have a stage for the animals to parade on.

A stage?

- I don't like the flooring. - It's a barn!

We could put a carpet down. A nice one, maybe a Persian one.

A Persian one.

Some nice porcelain sets for when we hold receptions.

It's important that we have sophisticated ware for the ladies.

My dear, what an original transformation you have in mind!

If you don't mind me asking though, Lady Eva...

Who'll pay for all this?

Madame Virginia will be happy to sign a few cheques.

After all, she has no children, she has no one.

No! There is someone who has Madame Virginia's interests at heart!

- Yes, Baron, that's true, but... - I'll give you the barn!

I'll kindly allow you to use it,

but you mustn't ask Madame Virginia to sign anything.

You mustn't trouble her with these things.

She wants to fleece the old lady? I'll do the fleecing!

Here.

I leave...

all my assets...

to Bliss House...

That's what it is.

- Under the name... - Under the name...

of its founder and benefactor...

Baron Rodolfo Vanzino Castelfusano D'Arezzo.

- There, a nice clear signature. - Yes.

Madame Virginia Lacchi di Portello.

- Well done! - Now I deserve a chocolate.

- No chocolates. - How will you amuse me?

Don't worry, leave that to me. Off you go to your room.

How wonderful!

Again! Higher! Higher!

How marvellous! This is great!

- Higher! - You fell for it, poor old girl!

Again!

You're having fun now!

- Are you scared of heights? - No!

What does she want? If she sees the old lady like this, she'll know.

Old girl, are you dead? Have you passed out?

Passed out? I've never had so much fun!

- You stifled a cry. - I was laughing!

You were laughing.

Good morning, Madame Virginia. Baron...

My dear, I'm so pleased to see you. Perfect timing, as always.

- Isn't her lampshade dress lovely! - It's all the rage.

- How are the mutts? - I'm tired, but I have a great idea.

- Please excuse me. - Baron, you must stay.

Of course.

We're a big family. You collaborated so unselfishly.

I'd like to stay, but I can see nice benefactors gesticulating.

I know what they want! Villains!

- What a dear man. - He's so elegant!

I could see you gesticulating from over there!

I called you because she signed the testament.

- What use is that to us? - It's all in my favour... our favour.

- We're rich! - So you'll pay us our money?

- When the old lady dies. - When will that be?

I've got a plan.

Fainting first, followed by a fracture then a push of the swing.

The old lady's coming, with her friend who's all made up.

My benefactors and I were admiring this lampshade.

Madame Virginia has been very generous. She's given me two million liras.

If it's not enough, I'll gladly give you more.

How kind of you! Thank you.

- We'll even have a washer racoon. - I don't know what that is.

It's a little raccoon, if you give it a cloth, it'll wash things.

How sweet!

- What's a washer raccoon? - Don't you know?

- It washes whatever you give it. - Really?

- She gave her two million for one? - See what I mean?

They've founded an institute for animals

and to get the testament I had to give her my father's barn.

If the animals eat all the money, what will we get?

We'll never get anything!

What does he want?

I'll give you 48 hours and then I'll sing.

- That'll be the end then. - The end?

- The end of the old lady. - I don't care.

- You smoke. These are American. - They're nice.

I've not smoked for 30 years, I'm so happy.

These are strong, they're good for the heart. They're strong!

You think these are strong?

They're not as strong as the cigars my poor husband made me smoke!

How are you feeling?

Great. I feel great!

- Shall we get rid of your medicines? - Yes, get rid of the lot!

- All of them, no more injections... - No.

- The pill for your seizures? - No.

- Let's chuck the lot. - Yes, you do that.

The whole lot.

You see, god bless your dear husband. These are strong.

Her eyes are closed, they won't open.

Oh God.

- I fell asleep! - Really?

- I had a nice dream! - What did you dream about?

That you and I lived together for another 100 years!

Another 100 years?

- Are you sweating? - Yes.

- Have you started sweating? - Yes, I'm a bit hot.

- I'll open the window. - Yes, let some air in.

- Fresh air. Can you feel it? - It's not enough.

- Doesn't it reach you? - My back feels hot.

Leave it to me. There.

Here's the airplane. Can you feel it?

Yes.

- Open your gown at the back. - Yes.

- Let it reach your hump. - Yes.

There, that's it.

It's a nice, gentle breeze.

Now have a little sleep.

You'll feel like you're sleeping, but you're going to the other side.

Give me the cigarette or your corpse will get burnt.

Join your hands, so you'll look all in order.

Let's remove these.

They won't come off, I'll have to cut your fingers off.

My dear old girl, I had to do it. I have to think of my needs.

Those guys are hounding me. I'll get everything.

I'll see you up there. Farewell, old girl.

I'll let the draft in, so you'll catch your death.

Goddammit!

To me, Madame Virginia!

She's not on her last legs! She's playing sport!

She's made of steel!

I opened her windows last night and nearly caught my death!

Whatever. I want my money!

When will you give it to us?

Calm down, we have to clever about this.

Vannuccio, I've thought of a plan to make her have a seizure!

She won't recover from that.

I'm so happy! I'm glad I accepted.

I feel like a young girl again!

I feel great. Must be all this fresh air.

- Goodnight, sir. - Goodnight, Countess.

"Goodnight"? "Goodnight"?

Dammit, what an old bag! I'll have to officially kill her!

I'll sever her aorta in two!

"Goodnight"? Where are you, wretched old bag?

Where are you hiding?

Wretched old bag!

Oh God, a skeleton!

It's death! Holy Mary, it's death!

I'm scared! Death has come for me!

I repent with all my heart! I repent for all my sins.

The old girl's father has come to visit his daughter! I repent!

Peek-a-boo! It's me, you didn't recognise me!

I won three prizes at the ball with this costume

along with my husband, a colonel.

Goddamn you! Idiot!

I almost died! I almost had a heart attack!

The old bag played a prank on me! Wretched old bag!

Rodolfo, have you prepared my bath?

Yes, my dear, it's ready! You'll be done for, you old bag!

- Make it nice and warm, 38 degrees! - Of course, nice and warm!

Even a seal would freeze to death in here!

You may be made of steel, but I'll turn you into an icicle!

I'll turn you into an ice lolly!

I want to feel the shower sting my skin!

Yes, my dear! You want to be stung?

I'll make sure you get stung!

I'd better cover it, or that old bag might see it.

- It's my secret trick. - Can I come? Is it ready?

Yes!

He takes good care of his Virginia, what a darling!

CONQUER AND PROSPER

- The shiver of death! - You'll be just fine with this!

- Go away, you old bag! - Is he delirious?

No.

Shame you can't come with me

to the opening of the institute. I have to go.

I've never seen her so happy, this place is good for her.

Doctor, my limb. My limb, I can't feel it!

- What limb? - This one.

Lift it up. I can see it, but I can't feel it!

- Farewell, limb of mine! - What happened?

The old bag tried to kill me!

She pushed me over the edge! She made me slip into the ice!

- What? - Wretched old bag.

Madame Virginia?

Madame Virginia wouldn't hurt a fly.

The treatment and hospitality she has received at your rest home

have had a miraculous effect.

Madame Virginia looks 20 years younger.

With your permission, I will mention your rest home

in my article in this month's medical journal.

That way the whole world will find out about your rest home.

- Don't mention anything! - Stay calm.

It's a very bad cold,

take plenty of aspirin and stay in bed. Lots of rest.

- Follow my advice! - Doctor, could I die?

Doctor, do you want to grass me up? Don't mention anything!

- See you later. - Do you want to grass me up?

Good evening.

There must be some valuables in here.

Look at all this stuff!

- Don't bother the baron! - What do you want?

- Take this away. - What a nice table!

- One moment! - What do you want?

- We said I'd take this floor. - Let's be reasonable.

- You took the first floor. - So what?

- Did you load up the goods? - Yes, onto the truck.

So?

- Did you clear the second floor? - Yes.

- So what will I get? - Right, what will he get?

The third floor. Let's not argue, take this.

A truck? Have they loaded it with my stuff?

- Are you taking my stuff away? - It's our stuff!

All my stuff's on the truck! Whose are those animals?

Dammit!

Lady Eva's dogs! It's the opening today. They're huge!

I've got an idea!

- By law we have to leave the bed. - This is good stuff!

So now that I've sorted things out you want to take my stuff?

- Will you pay up? - You said I had 48 hours.

- There are only two hours to go. - The old lady's signed her testament.

- The old lady will bury us all! - You gave her a new lease of life!

- I did, but now the hounds are here. - The hounds?

Two hounds with heads this size. I just need a little bit of tripe and...

Bye bye, old lady.

No? With those two hounds...

Dear ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming along.

You'll be wondering why I founded this Animal's Beauty Parlour.

My lovely audience.

Before showing you round this paradise for our four-legged friends,

I want to answer a few questions for those readers

who informed me that they were coming.

"Wotan with a shy bladder."

What can I do for you?

I wrote to you about my dog Wotan and his shy bladder.

Darling! What a cute little thing.

- You wrote to me? - Yes, about my little griffon.

Oh, your little griffon. Hello, little griffon.

I wrote to you about the very important matter of his pee.

Wotan won't pee on lampposts.

He likes big trees, lime trees, chestnut trees, rhododendrons.

It's his nature. And like my cousin says...

- You don't find this shocking? - No.

In Ankara there were so many trees, so many oaks. So many cedar trees!

- Take him to Villa Borghese. - No, there are pine trees there.

- He doesn't like pine trees. - What about in your garden?

No, we have metal fencing. He feels like he's in prison.

I know him, he holds it in, and then...

- Put a magnolia on your terrace. - I don't have a terrace!

Let me show you a very interesting thing then, Your Excellency.

It's an indoor tree that I sell exclusively to Europe.

A sitting-room tree. It's very beautiful and practical.

Please, miss, will you show him?

I think he'll like it. You can put it in the lounge.

You can place it on a soft carpet.

- Yes, like a Bukhara or a Smirne. - Of course.

As long as it's clean, hygiene is important for animals.

- It's not expensive either. - It's excellent for peeing.

Yes, it's perfect for my Wotan.

- Go over to the sales team then. - Yes, I want to try it.

Thank you, Your Excellency. Did you see how practical it is?

How nice, how original

this sprinkling of water around the tree is so amusing!

Where's the old lady?

Our sponsor, Baron Vanzino di Castelfusano d'Arezzo.

- Please, I don't like crowds. - Baron, let me introduce you...

No! I can't stand this kind of exhibitionism.

Some admirer of mine may recognise me.

Where's Madame Virginia?

- I don't like the look of this. - Why?

Lady Eva mentioned doing operations to change...

the sex of cats and parrots! I'll get stricken off the register.

Rodolfo! Rodolfuccio!

The voice of an old lady is humming in my ear!

My dear tripe, stick to the old lady. You're my only hope.

Madame Virginia, where have you been? I've brought you a camera

to take pictures. - With the kittens?

No, with the big hounds!

We'll see their strength and virility as they go after a helpless old lady.

- I brought some tripe for them. - For them?

It's a little treat.

Tie it on here...

and pose for a nice photo with the hounds.

That's it.

Now don't move, look up and smile.

There. That's great.

- Go back a bit. - Okay.

- A bit further back. - Yes.

Until you're touching the cage. That's good.

They'll eat her!

Help, the dogs!

Help!

- What's going on? - Let's go and see.

What's happened?

The hounds have eaten our lady president.

Excuse me, let me see her body.

There's nothing left of her? Just scraps.

- Dammit, these hounds! They've... - Rodolfo!

I can hear the old lady calling me from Heaven.

I jumped up and climbed onto this tree.

I need a ladder to get down.

So this is tripe? Did you untie it while you were running?

How did she do that?

- Is the old lady with you? - Yes, the countess is in the tree.

Don't worry, I've sent for a ladder.

Whose are these dogs without muzzles?

Never mind that.

- They don't bite, do they? - No. Thanks, commander.

They're from my institute.

I'm the manager and she's the president.

- Get these dogs off the street. - You do it, you're the traffic cop.

- Don't raise your voice at me! - You're the one shouting!

- I'm not. - Calm down.

- He's "grossier". - What did she say?

Take no notice, she's foreign. It means "gross".

- No, it means "boorish". - You're insulting a public official!

This is an unfortunate accident. The lady is in shock.

- You said they were kept in... - In a kennel.

- In a ken...? - In a cage.

All's well that ends well.

We won't be needing to issue a fine.

Isn't the old lady perched on the tree an amusing sight?

I'm Baron Rodolfo Vanzino Castelfusano d'Arezzo.

I admire your understanding attitude, captain. I really do.

- I'm not a captain, I'm a corporal. - How can that be?

You deserve to be a colonel.

Why don't we get him to partake in our enterprise?

- I'm sure you know the lady. - I've not had the pleasure.

- Eva Bolavsky. - Lady Eva, you must've heard of her.

- Lady Eva? - The agony aunt, you know.

- The one who has a weekly column? - Yes, thanks for your understanding.

Forgive us for the "boor", it was said in a moment of weakness.

Wait! Wait, Lady Eva!

Castelfusano, Torvaianica!

- It was a surprise... - One moment, Lady Eva.

We need to issue a fine.

Article 354: "Aggressive dogs without muzzles."

Article 445: "Obstruction of the street."

Article 555: "Insulting a public official."

- It was a slip of the tongue. - She insulted my colleague.

- Lady Eva is very famous. - I want to inspect your institute.

- There are too many animals. - It was this crazy woman's idea.

One moment, I think I've seen you before.

Maybe abroad.

- Let's go to the station. - Not to the station.

- Who is Eva Bolavsky? - That's me, inspector.

But your ID says: "Filomena Cangiullo, housewife".

- Why do you call yourself Eva Bolavsky? - It's my pen name.

You know that George Sand was in actual fact called

Amandine-Lucile-Aurore... What was it, mama?

Dupin.

Article 252: "Falsification of documents."

- That's a serious crime. - Very serious!

I had an 81-year-old who said she was 18.

- Gigliozzi, I'm in charge here. - Yes, sir.

He's exaggerating.

- Don't be cocky or he'll fire you. - If I remember who you are...

Inspector, we're wasting time over nuances.

Sorry?

We should be at our opening, these are trivial matters.

Trivial matters? This minor is wanted by police all over the country

for having run away from home with fantasies of being a film star

and you took her in.

- Will you allow me to explain? - There's nothing to explain.

Be quiet!

I'm a regular visitor at Lady Eva's and that's where I met this girl.

- Where did you meet her? - At Lady Eva and her mother's house.

- They run a brothel. - Of course.

Look at her mother, she has that typical look.

- I know all about that look. - I bet you do!

- Can I go? - No!

- I can vouch for the ladies. - One moment.

The girl's father came to Rome looking for her and he's here.

- You wretched, irresponsible girl! - Papa!

- Calm down. - Did he help you?

If it was him...

- I have an urgent need... - Stay put!

- Must I put up a resistance? - Be quiet.

- Let me explain. - No, who are you?

I'm Mr Marco Cappelli and I want to marry your daughter.

Don't listen to him.

- Now it's up to your father. - That's right, you're coming home.

Forget about films and engagements!

- Lady Eva, help me. - Calm down, silly girl.

- Listen, Dr... - I'm a shopkeeper.

- Who are you? - Cangiullo, a writer.

- She's Lady Eva! - Be quiet.

You see, this young girl came to me, I should've informed you,

but I thought it was best that she realised of her own accord

how absurd her fantasies were. She was never out of our sight.

We were lucky because at my house

Isabella met Mr Cappelli, who is a decent young man,

a vet by profession, with serious intentions, muscly...

Generally, this is the real Oscar that these young girls

who seek glory and art wish to be awarded.

I have no interest in this.

If those are his intentions and you have found your daughter...

- You can wait outside. - Thank you, inspector.

One moment, inspector, we have to go by the book.

- Cangiullo is responsible. - Gigliozzi, I'm in charge here!

That's it, enough! I've had enough now!

You're making me waste precious time!

- Calm down. - I can't calm down!

I have an important matter to discuss with Madame Virginia

and I'm wasting time here!

Why am I at the police station? It's not like it's a cocktail-party!

I'm Baron Rodolfo Vanzino Castelfusano d'Arezzo!

You're obviously used to dealing with the dregs of society!

FRAUD AND DECEPTION

But this time you're making a big mistake!

You don't know who I am. I go by the title of baron!

I will take this further and make you pay for this insult!

You have no idea who I am! I am...

- It's him! - Who?

Rodolfo Vanzino di Castelfusano d'Arezzo. Be quiet!

He's wanted by police HQ for fraud,

dodgy dealings... - They're just dealings!

- Abuse... - The odd slap.

No, abuse! False preacher of the Discalced Carmelites.

No, the Franciscans! I applied to be a missionary.

- Here it says "Discalced"! - Well, they wear sandals.

Repatriated seven times for illegal expatriation.

In the cargo hold!

It's him, I've checked the files.

- Be quiet. - I've checked, it's him.

- Take him away. - I hope you're happy, inspector!

I just feel bad at having to abandon my old ladies!

Farewell, old girl. Farewell, Lady Eva.

The whole world will know the truth because I'll write a memoir

during this incarceration.

- Is there a tuck shop? I'm thirsty. - Let's go!

Lady Eva, they've taken the baron away. He's our manager!

Don't worry, the rest home will survive.

How?

- You'll run it. - What a good idea.

- But what will they do to him? - Nothing, he has friends in high places.

He'll just have to pay extra taxes.

- They'll get him to make a film. - It's incredible.

Now there's one more person we have to deal with.

We have to put an end to Lady Eva's letters page.

Miss, my friend the editor told me the whole story.

Lady Eva is inventive, but she's a very useful element.

I couldn't do without her for my "Adam and Eve."

- Now you're exaggerating. - Be quiet!

All right, sir.

Thanks for everything, but now I have to steal Eva from you.

You have many letters waiting for you, darling.

I can't write today, my feelings have been insulted.

I can't see anyone today.

I'll wait outside. Come, mama. Goodbye, inspector.

Oh, no... when she starts talking like that, she's after a raise.

And I can't say no or I'll sell fewer copies.

So Cangiullo will continue to write for her column?

Why shouldn't she?

I'm telling you that the letters page will continue to be read by many wives

for a very long time!

Dear Gigliozzi, there's no point fainting.

For the good of humanity the letters page will continue. It has to.

Lady Eva will go back to work,

hundreds of simple souls will continue writing to her,

seeking her advice which resolves their doubts, consoles their hearts

and soothes the anguish felt by unhappy souls with unfortunate fates

who've been forgotten by society.

Dearest Lady Eva,

lit by candle-light, like a 19th century writer,

I'm writing to you with my news.

Forgive the slight Tuscan accent,

but I've been residing in a grand hotel near Prato.

Reasons of State compel me to remain here for the rest of the season.

Soon I will once again partake in our enterprise.

I'm an avid reader of your column

and what struck me most in the latest issue

was the appeal from the young foreign woman who is crippled!

I believe she's a millionaire, if I am not mistaken,

and lives in Positano.

She is seeking a kind soul who can help her and push her around

in her wheelchair.

That kind soul, Lady Eva, is me!

As soon I as get out, put me in contact with the crippled woman.

Introduce me to her!

Send me the cripple! She won't be able to run away!

Signed: Rodolfo Vanzino Castelfusano d'Arezzo.

THE END