All language subtitles for MnOfThYr2006GB

Ladies and gentlemen,
take your seats.

Tom Dobbs will speak
to you before the show.

This story might fall
under the heading

of "One thing leads to another."

It started on August 20th.

At 7 p.m., Tom Dobbs, who
had a successful cable show

featuring political comedy,
was talking to the audience

during the warm-up routine
prior to the taping of the show.

Thanks for coming.
This isn't the actual show.

The cameras are pointing at nothing,
and some critics have said that, too.

But I'm just here to kind of talk
to you, warm up the audience.

A little bit of foreplay. Sorry.

I'll back up now just
for harassment reasons.

The government said...
Well, a lot of people said

we're cutting back spending, we're cutting
back spending, but NASA actually spent

$28 million to develop a fountain
pen that would write upside down

in space in zero gravity. The
Russians solved the same problem

with 5-cent pencil.

Very easy. Writes
upside down, zero gravity.

After two cases of
vodka, still writing.

If you have GPS, be careful.

I bought a Mercedes recently,

had the talking GPS,
"Up ahead, take a right."

I open the door, the car
went, "Are you Jewish?"

But soon, all of your
appliances will talk to each other.

You'll get on the scale,
and the scale will go:

"Psst! I've talked
to the microwave."

I've noticed many of you
with your little cell phones.

Soon they'll get so
small, you won't see them.

They'll just be inside you.
"Hold on, I got a call. Hello?"

No, no, I'll make
it louder. Hold on.

Wait, I'm taking a picture.

"Oh, wait, wait, I got mail."

It was during a Q&A that a
woman made a statement.

- Yes, yes, ma'am.
- Hi.

I feel so frustrated
with the political system,

and my friends say the
same thing all the time.

Maybe you should
run for president.

The comment was quickly forgotten,
and minutes later, the show got underway.

Senator, I'm picking up
that the general public

is frustrated with the
polarization of the party,

and lack of
accountability. It's crazy.

A woman said I
should run for president.

- Maybe I should.
- Within three hours,

there were 4 million e-mails
endorsing Dobbs for president.

Over the course of the next week,
Dobbs mentioned this four more times.

The Internet was on fire.

Over 8 million e-mails. It
was a grass-roots movement

fueled by the power of the
Internet and the cult of personality.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank
you so much for your patience.

We have a great show for
you, so without any further ado...

On September 2nd, something
very, very unusual happens.

Tomorrow, I will officially
announce my candidacy

for President of
the United States.

Did you write that?

Where's the punchline?

Maybe it was sheer vanity,
maybe it was a political stunt,

or maybe it was because Tom believed
this audience demanded it, who knows.

As Tom Dobbs' manager, I was
shocked as everyone around me

and I wasn't exactly pleased.

Does this mean I'm out of a job?

Shortly thereafter, Tom was
on the ballot for 13 states.

That was part one of the
unusual progression of events.

On the West Coast, the
second domino toppled over.

Voter confusion.

Endless recounts.

Unreliable results.

Democracy held hostage.

In today's America, technology empowers
the public in nearly everything they do.

And now, voting with confidence.

Introducing the
Delacroy voting system.

Congress decided that Delacroy
Systems would have the national franchise

for computerized voting in
the coming presidential election.

In hindsight, not one
of their better decisions.

For ease of voting, speed
and accuracy of vote.

It eliminates long lines
and confusion at the polls.

It was, of course, a major coup for
this Silicon Valley-based company.

When the dubbed versions
come in I need to see the contracts.

Delacroy.

As CEO of Delacroy, James
Hemmings lovingly watched his stock rise.

In the bowels of the building,
something else was about to take place.

I just got the ballot from San Mateo so
I thought I'd run my own little election.

With the referendums,
propositions and amendments,

- just add the candidates' names.
- Why?

We've never run a configuration like this,
so I thought I'd give it a test drive.

Oh, God. I think
I burned my lip.

It's like democracy on
the head of a microchip.

But no matter how you slice it,

it's what you're voting for
and not how easy it is to vote.

Whether she was
being diligent in her work,

or she was obsessive-compulsive,

or she really didn't have a
personal life, who knows.

But late that night, she found
something that seemed very wrong.

Mills, I voted for you three times as
much as I voted for President Kellogg.

Why did the president win?

Like a good, dedicated employee, she
sent an e-mail to CEO James Hemmings.

She wrote that
something was wrong-

She used phrases like
"a glitch in the system,"

"compatibility
problem," things like that.

Hemmings read the e-mail,
and reacted as a CEO

whose stock fortune was
wrapped up in his newest enterprise.

If there really was a problem,
it was too late to correct it,

so he ignored the memo

and hoped the
problem would go away.

I've read a lot of op-ed
pieces and they've said

Tom Dobbs doesn't
talk about the issues.

All right. I will address the issue. The
issue revolves around representation.

The people of America
are not being represented.

Our political leaders
are too indebted

to special-interest
groups and party politics.

This country was founded on the
principle of government of the people,

by the people, for the people.
We are the wealthiest nation

in the history of the world,
we are the most powerful nation

on this planet, and yet we
can't educate our own children.

- Thought that went pretty well.
- Lincoln got more laughs

- at the Gettysburg Address.
- Don't start.

Everybody Loves Raymond is
doing is doing huge numbers in reruns.

Comedy, comedy sells.
Can we remember that?

- I don't wanna get into this.
- I don't care what you say,

but say it with humor.
These crowds expect it.

You keep giving speech
after speech, nothing's funny.

They'll get funny when I'm
back on the show after the hiatus.

- It's too dry.
- I came on the campaign

- to talk about issues.
- There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.

Remember the motto,
"It's no joke"? It's no joke.

Tom, can't you do
just two jokes of mine?

You're a comedian
who talks about politics.

So when you talk about
politics without the comedy,

it's like wanting to get laid and
forgetting to bring along the woman.

You'll quickly discover
something is missing.

We should have
politicians who represent us

and not special-interest groups.
Whenever they wanna distract you,

they use weapons of mass
distraction. They bring up an amendment

to ban burning of the flag.

By spending even one
moment talking about that,

you're denying other things.
Education, environmental issues.

So I'm here to talk tonight
about political commercials.

That's where most of the money
goes in any political campaign.

Politicians have to spend so
much money just to buy TV time.

This is where the
special-interest groups start.

When you have a campaign
that costs $200 million,

you owe someone something
somewhere down the line.

That's why I refuse to
run television commercials.

Just be entertaining. Who
would you rather have dinner with:

Richard Pryor in his prime, or
Kofi Annan, the head of the U.N.?

Which dinner is gonna
be more interesting?

If there's no candles, Richard.
But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say,

"Coffee, Kofi? What?
Coffee? Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"

♪ We live in a political world ♪

♪ Love don't have any place ♪

♪ We're living in times
Where men commit crimes ♪

♪ And crime don't have a face ♪

He's in the debate?

He's in the debate.

Tom Dobbs is gonna
be in the debate.

They're gonna let him
participate in the debate.

- We struck gold or what?
- Oh, my God.

- We're gonna have to start writing.
- We can write it,

- but is he gonna do any of it?
- Praise the Internet.

Sixteen million e-mails
spoke loud and clear.

Ha, ha! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

♪ Is misguided as hell Leaving
no one to pick up a trail ♪♪

The following is a quote from
our debate advisory standards:

"All candidates who demonstrate
seriousness of purpose"

and significant support going
into the final 30 days of an election

"should be included
in debates." Unquote.

Yes.

Well, I fully agree with the debate
committee's inclusion of Tom Dobbs.

He's, by far, the strongest
of the independents,

I'm very much looking
forward to the debate.

Now, I'm more than
confident of my decisions,

my positions, and my strong
relationship with the voting public.

Any my hair.

Well, the first thing you gotta do is
say you have unconfirmed information

the other candidates have
had sex with farm animals.

It goes back to the Johnson
thing. President Johnson

- Oh, President Johnson.
- Wanted to accuse his opponents

of having sex with animals,
okay? One of his staffers said,

"How can you prove that?" He said,
"I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it."

- Seriousness of purpose.
- The debate is gonna be

a night full of pomposity. The
air is gonna be full of bullshit.

They're gonna be
thanking everyone.

They'll thank their wives,
children, all have been supportive.

This is our night to shine, Tom.
This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

It's like the comic who
gets to play Carnegie Hall

but shows up and plays the
violin. It's not what they go to see.

- How many analogies do you have left?
- How many does it take to make my point?

I didn't mean to yell.

You gotta cut loose. In this debate,
get your show attitude in there.

Yeah, but may I
reiterate? They got me in

because of my seriousness
of purpose. They saw that,

- and that's why we're in this debate.
- Serious talk puts us to sleep.

You wanna talk about a
serious issue, people tune out.

Wait a second. Do you think
anybody remembers the issues?

When there's a debate, do you...?
When was the last time any human being,

any American watched the debate and
went, "God, did you hear what he said?"

"He talked about fiscal policy."

"My eyes are open
and I can hear again."

All they remember is Nixon
sweating like Elizabeth Taylor

- after a Mexican meal.
- I'm begging you, please.

I'm like a man without water. Please,
an acerbic comment, would it kill you?

Just for me.

More people are watching your
show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher.

News from comedians.
How crazy is that?

Let's move on, okay?
Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.

Well, I hope this
doesn't sound silly,

but the other two
candidates are family men.

Okay? And, Tom, with all due
respect, how are you gonna come off

- as family-friendly?
- Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.

We'd lose a certain
amount of people there.

But Chicago, the
dead vote there.

As soon as the program starts

and we see the candidates'
wives with their little red suits.

I have to get married
before the debate?

Campaign during
the day, date at night.

It's like some weird reality
show. Actually, it's not a bad idea.

Part West Wing, part
Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.

"And here's our first
contestant. Your name, please?"

"Yes, my name is Rachel
Tensions." "Yes, indeed, dear."

"Contestant Number Two,
your name?" "Miss Sogeny."

"Yes, I thought
he was really hot.

But when I found out about his radical
environmental policy, I went "Uh-uh."

I like a dirty environment,
if you know what I mean.

I want a man who's not afraid
to go in the wetlands and drill.

Deep drill, you know?

"Get down in the mud and
take it home, Daddy. That's all."

It's a piece of shit
idea that could work.

Yeah, but you're running.

You're running because
the people wanted you to run.

Why did they want you to run?

To listen to you talk about
issues? Are you kidding me?

I can barely listen to you
talk about issues, okay?

- Have I not said this 100 times?
- We're going to Chicago,

I'm doing the same thing I've
been doing. That's how I got here.

I wanna keep doing
it. I sense that'll work.

♪ Thrown like a star in my vast sleep
I opened my eyes to take a peek ♪

♪ To find that I was by the
sea Gazing with tranquility ♪

You gotta go to Makeup, Tom.

Makeup.

♪ Hurdy Gurdy Man Came
singing songs of love ♪

♪ Then when the Hurdy Gurdy
Man Came singing songs of love ♪

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy
Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy
Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy ♪♪

Look at this. It's
like the circus.

This is nuts.

When I was a kid,
I was in the circus.

- No.
- Yes. I used to shave elephants.

You started in the tent,
you're back in the tent.

I'm not kidding. They grow
these big beards. In the wild,

- they rub it on trees.
- Come on.

In the circus, you shave
them with a blowtorch.

One of those pump things with
gasoline. You throw it all over their face.

You gonna have coffee?

- Because I need it to stay awake.
- Do you have green tea?

Ow long have you been smoking?

Since I was 7.

Since you were 7?

My father was a big smoker.

While President Kellogg and Senator
Mills have spent approximately $195 million

apiece on the campaign
for media advertising,

Tom Dobbs has
not spent one cent.

He refuses to spend money on media
saying, "Candidates are not products."

All right, here's the very latest now.
Dobbs is running at about 17 percent

in the 13 states where
he's on the ballot.

- You want a beer or soda?
- Soda, please.

Compared to a network show,

he certainly has been extremely
influential in some smaller circles.

We got some clips.
Are they ready in there?

- I TiVo all his shows.
- Here's some excerpts from his show.

Swedish carmaker Volvo has
announced that they are replacing air bags

in their new sedans
with breast implants.

The number of rear-end collisions
has increased 95 percent in Sweden.

And a lot of guys just like to bump
their car and see what happens.

Pope Benedict has finally
mechanized the Swiss Guard and said:

"It's my choice. I do it for the
Church and for the Fatherland."

I didn't mention this at the
time when he was chosen pope.

I was always hoping in my own
heart for a Brazilian pope. Pope Raul.

Just so you could have the
nuns in the thong and the feathers.

That would bring a lot of
people back to the Church.

- You've got really great skin.
- Thank you.

- A little bit of a tan.
- Heh. Thanks.

I went to a tanning salon.

I wanted to look like a Kennedy,
but they set it on George Hamilton.

- Doesn't he have a grill?
- No, that's George Foreman.

Wanna get married?

I need a wife before the debate.

Interested?

I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.

A nice house on Pennsylvania
Avenue, nothing ostentatious.

Helicopter pad in the back, couple
thousand phone lines, staff of 60.

- Come on.
- Are you nervous?

Why else would I propose to
a woman I never met before?

- You have your own TV show.
- Yeah, but I ask the questions.

You got two minutes.

Here we go.

Good evening, and welcome
to this last presidential debate

between the major candidates
for president of the United States.

The candidates are the Democratic
nominee, President Kellogg,

the Republican
nominee, Senator Mills,

and for the first time
included in tonight's debate,

the independent, Tom Dobbs.
My name is Faith Daniels

and I'll be the moderator for
tonight's debate, which is coming

-to you from the
campus -Cleavage?

- Of the University of Chicago.
- Is that legal?

- Very cute.
- Now, the format has been agreed to

by representatives of both the
Republican and Democratic campaigns.

There is no subject
matter that's restricted.

As always, each candidate will have up to
two minutes to make a closing statement.

The order of those as well
as the formal questioning

were decided in
advance by drawing.

Gentlemen, again, good
evening and welcome. Let's begin.

Mr. Dobbs, how would
you explain your decision

to run for President
of the United States?

I decided to run because
I'm fed up with party politics.

I'm tired of the Republican Party-
I'm tired of the Democratic Party.

- Ooh, edgy.
- No difference. Mr. Potato candidate.

You have a thing here where,
here's the operative word: Party.

Behind closed doors, whew! I
think they just have a good time.

When you read transcripts, the
things your Secretary of Defense says,

there must be an
open bar somewhere.

The bottom line is, they've lost
track of what they're responsible for.

They're responsible to the
people. Not party loyalties.

Definitely not lobbyists.

- That's why I wanna run.
- Not punchy enough.

I never thought I'd be saying this,
but you have one minute remaining.

Can I get a refund?

We will continue- TOM: Okay.

Senator, I'd like to ask
you the same question.

Thank you, Faith-Thank all of
you responsible for having us here.

I'd like to thank my wife and children,
who have been very supportive

of my candidacy,
and very helpful.

This guy smiles so
much, it upsets me.

I would like to thank all of those
of you who made this possible.

And if I may reiterate some of
the comments of Senator Mills,

with respect to family, children,
wives, and immediate family,

and the enormously important role
that they play in our failure or success,

and in my case, success.

My love to them.
My love to all...

- What? Why is he running on?
- He's talking about his wife and children.

- You know?
- Who cares?

Thank you so much.

And that's why I have been

a very rigorous advocate
of tough security measures.

President Kellogg and
I think alike in this area.

I am in total agreement,
without equivocation,

that security measures
have got to remain tough.

Thank you.

Mr. Dobbs, what would your
position be on national security?

- Come on. Do it.
- Tom, go for it.

Some of these measures
are already tough.

If you've ever been
through Passport Control,

you stand in line with
thousands of people,

get to an Immigration officer
behind bulletproof glass.

He takes your passport.
Looks at your picture, at you.

Says, "Why do you have your
hair cut?" "I felt good about myself."

They have a video camera
that takes a picture of you,

compares it to a previous
picture. They're tough. Skeptical.

- He's got to make his move.
- More oomph.

Meanwhile, the southern borders
of our country, 4 million illegal aliens

are crossing the border with
bedroom sets, night tables.

- Hit them again.
- We're trying to reenter

the country legally. And they're
asking, "Where have you been? Why?"

You start to doubt yourself.
"I forgot why I was there."

I guess it was pleasure. I
felt it was a vacation. I'm sorry.

I took a vacation.
I don't know why.

And then...

Next thing, they're patting
down an 85-year-old lady

in a walker. If there's an 85-year-old
lady in a walker, and she's a terrorist,

basically, game's over, folks-

When they put on that rubber
glove and look at me, I'm going:

"Okay. Maybe we should have
dinner first before we do this."

I'm saying, let's have real security
and not just the illusion of security.

Oh! Yeah.

And be distracted by it.
That's what I'm saying.

I fully support hydrogen cars-

Weird, because you're
backed by oil companies.

You'll have your
turn- TOM: Sorry.

Some of my colleagues and I in the
senate have come up with a strategy.

If you're in bed with oil, how
could you talk fuel efficiencies?

- That's like a kosher pig farmer.
- He's getting angry.

This is not your talk
show, Mr. Dobbs.

You're not on your private
plane, flying to the golf vacation

with the three heads of
the major oil corporations.

Wow.

- Like something I've never saw before.
- Mr. Dobbs, return to your podium.

As a blimp. No smoking in the
hydrogen... Boom! Hindenburg.

- Mr. Dobbs, please...
- Of course, he's for hydrogen.

It'll take 30 years to develop.
Meanwhile, we haven't got

any more fuel efficiency. We're not
exploring alternative fuels like methane.

Hard to do, holding that
chicken over the gas tank.

Or ethanol, which is basically
fuel alcohol. It's grain alcohol.

If you get stopped by the police,
"My car's been drinking. Not me, baby."

Or maybe helium, because
if you have a helium car...

If you have a helium
car, you get rear-ended.

"Hey, something's wrong."

- Mr. Dobbs, return to your podium.
- Miss Daniels, some order.

- We have...
- Some order, yes.

You talk about responsibility.
What about you?

Your Treasury
Department lost $28 billion.

Please, return to your podium.

Tell me you're not receiving major
finance contributions from oil companies.

I don't take kindly to the fact
that you're calling me a liar.

If this is a debate, you should
answer questions honestly.

You should be accountable.

The voters should
know what you represent.

If you're representing special interest
groups, we should be like NASCAR.

We'd be in the senate with our suits
on. There should be little patches.

Like they wear in NASCAR. Vioxx:
backaches end, heart attacks begin.

Put the big one in the back:
Enron. We take your money and run.

Smackdown.

It's all about accountability.

We have a format
that we agreed upon.

We got some trouble here.
Stand by on three. Take three.

The airlines...

Faith, can you hear me? Can
you get control of this please?

- Get control of this.
- Don't you see?

We deal in weapons of
destruction. They push your buttons.

That's how they
do it. Hydrogen fuel.

He wants an amendment
on flag burning-

It's an emotional issue. Talking
about the desecration of the flag,

but if you go online now,
you can buy flag underwear.

Wow!

You can see an old
lady wearing a flag thong.

"Grandma, don't tell
me where Old Glory is."

- It's all about distractions.
- Mr. Dobbs.

Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an
amendment against same-sex marriage.

Anybody who's been married
knows it's always the same sex.

- Dobbs.
- They don't know what to do.

- What's up with that?
- Mr. Dobbs.

It's a distraction. They point
over here. Point over there.

They want you not to know.
You don't need an amendment.

Make it out of asbestos- No
one will want to touch the thing.

Do not make a
mockery of this process.

Return to your podium.

It was a mockery long
before I came here.

Now we got applause.
This is wonderful.

We're absolutely out of control.

$200 billion, you
could buy a few books.

Mr. Dobbs.

Hard to say how voters
are gonna react to Dobbs.

Either he's a hot dog,
or the genuine article.

He did make some issues come home,
and if he can actually follow through,

- he may have scored points.
- Good point.

But you know what? This wasn't just
funny and abstract, it was very pointed.

He was making political points in comedy.
I thought it was incredible entertainment.

How good the politics
is, we'll wait and see.

It's gonna be difficult to assess
how the public will respond

to the undisciplined behavior
Tom Dobbs exhibited.

- I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric.
- Jack. Excuse me.

Can you go see Tom right
away? He thinks he screwed up.

Yeah, I'm euphoric. He
thinks he screwed up.

Who gives a shit what talking
heads think? Different is good.

When I first saw you, I liked you
because you were different. New.

Talked too fast.

Couldn't understand you half
the time, but you were fresh.

These politicians today look like
they're borrowed from the wax museum.

They're already in their
suits, waiting to be buried.

Wanna be like them? Waste
of time. You wanna be different.

All bets are off.

You're a good candidate, Tom.
As loony as that seems. But...

What?

You could be an even better one.

Are you all right?

What's wrong?

I'm just a little
short of breath.

Let's get you to the hospital.

It's his emphysema.
Doctors say he has a problem

with the enlargement of
his heart, but he's stable.

There seems to be a link between smoking
and heart disease. Or am I making that up?

First time I'll be in front of
an audience without him.

Do what you did tonight, and
things could get interesting.

The old bastard's
right. Look at that.

You got to be different
to make an impression.

Forget trying to
be presidential.

You end up looking
like another stiff in a suit.

I got to play my game.

They thought I was
wild in the debate?

Watch me the next two weeks.

I'm back.

How do you answer allegations you
were arrested for smoking marijuana?

Definitely. I did inhale-I thought,
"What the hell? I'll inhale it."

- You're not denying these charges.
- I was 25. Stoned.

- I was on everything but skates.
- You think it'll affect the campaign?

You want my history? When I was a
boy, I looked at pictures of naked ladies.

My right hand's very strong.

I touched myself more
than a third-base coach.

Seventeen, I beat up a guy.

When I was 21, I went to a prostitute.
I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

I had a blind date I left in the
theater. I felt so bad, I married her.

That's my ex-wife, who I
am not on good terms with.

I just farted a little
while back there.

Any other nonsense you'd like to
talk about, I'll be glad to discuss.

Full disclosure. Ladies and
gentlemen, it's time for the campaign.

It's gonna be a whole new
ballgame. Brace yourselves.

Are you tired of the
Democratic party?

Are you tired of the
Republican party?

Tired of a Congress
that does nothing?

Tired of having twice as many
lobbyists as they've ever had before?

Then I... I have an idea.

Don't vote for the
congressmen or senators.

- You know how we're gonna pick them?
- No!

The same way we pick a jury.

You'll get a more interesting
cross-section than the folks now.

I guarantee you.

Want a better healthcare system?

You have an HMO saying,
"We'll give you Viagra.

We won't pay for glasses."

You can have a hard-on, but
you can't see where to put it.

We're gonna
change it, aren't we?

Yeah!

We're not talking liberal or
conservative. Bigtime change.

Recently, past administrations said it's
unpatriotic to question the government.

If it was unpatriotic,
we'd still be English.

The Boston Tea Party wasn't
people going, "Oh, hello."

There were guys in Boston
going, "Here's your tea. Right here."

I'm tired of the Democratic party.
I'm tired of the Republican party.

We're talking about freedom of
speech and freedom of religion.

The idea of practicing any
religion you want, anytime.

You could be anything. Be
Bewish. Jewish and Buddhist.

Sit and wait for things to
go on sale. That's okay.

The freedom of religion.
Occasionally, religion crosses over.

"You must teach
intelligent design."

Look at the human body.
Intelligent? I find it more interesting.

You have a waste-processing
plant next to a recreation area.

They always attack environmentalists.
"You're a tree hugger."

"I've done more than hug a tree.

Find the right naughty pine,
you'll have a good night."

Oh, yeah, who's your
woodsman? Who's your woodsman?

I'm not just a tree
hugger. I'm an air breather.

It's bad enough for the
squirrels going, "Help me.

I can't breathe today."

If you put enough chemicals in
the water, you'll be fishing going:

"I love catching
two-headed bass.

They're good eating once
you get past the tumors."

I'm tired of the Democratic Party.
Now, I'm tired of the Republican Party.

That's why we're here.
You want change. Yeah!

Yeah. You wanna shake it up.

You have to be eyes wide
open. Ready to move on.

Arm in arm, hand in
hand. Everybody together.

Moving forward,
because the future is now.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Whoo!

- Tom, you're the greatest.
- Thank you.

You don't want one of us to
drive? It's eight hours to Chicago.

No, I just wanna be alone
with my Barry White tapes.

Tom, the doctors say that
Jack is still pretty weak.

He could doze off before
all the results are in.

He used to do
that during my act.

Pick up a couple of cartons
of cigarettes for Menken.

- They're cheaper on the road.
- You're so thoughtful.

- It's my middle name.
- Compassion.

The exit polls are very close.

Kelloggs and Mills
are running about even

with Dobbs at around
17 percent of the vote.

♪ I believe in the senses sight and
sound I have always been too loud ♪

♪ Won't you help
me drown it out? ♪

President Kellogg is
winning by a small margin

over Senator Mills in Rhode Island,
Connecticut and Massachusetts.

In all three states, the
numbers are very close.

See these numbers? The computer
glitch is happening the same way.

Delaware is going to President
Kellogg by a very close margin.

- It's not computing right?
- It's not. Something's wrong.

An unusual turn
of events in Virginia

with now 87 percent
of the votes in,

comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.

That's gonna surprise more
than a few of the experts.

Dobbs' numbers have been
increasing since the debate.

Most of the polls had
him with 10 to 11 percent.

So if this vote holds true in Virginia,
Dobbs is going to surprise people.

Yeah.

Ding-dong.

- Ready for your piña colonic?
- What are you doing here?

Thought I'd spend the evening
with someone who gets on my nerves.

- How about Virginia?
- Virginia's okay, but Debbie, whoo!

- Such a slut.
- Heh.

Intensive care package here.

- Red wine. Yes.
- A good month.

Okay. A little cheese and pâté.
Always good after a heart attack.

Sit.

Comedian Tom Dobbs has won
New Jersey, as well as Virginia.

A blue and a red state. His
message cuts across political lines.

It's gonna be interesting.

You're not gonna win, but at least
you didn't go gently into the good night.

From all the signs, that Delacroy
voting system has worked well.

We're not hearing anything about
long lines at the booth or other snafus.

Seems this has probably straightened
out voting problems in the past.

♪ John the Revelator
Put him in an elevator ♪

♪ Take him up to
the highest high ♪

♪ Take him up to the top
Where the mountains stop ♪

♪ Let him tell
his book of lies ♪

♪ John the Revelator
He's a smooth operator ♪

♪ It's time we cut
him down to size ♪

- Excuse me.
- Hey, Eleanor.

- Have you looked at these numbers?
- Yeah, yeah.

I e-mailed you. I told you I thought there
was something wrong with the system.

I was told the glitch was
limited to my computer.

- Yeah. What? You calling me a liar?
- No. All I'm saying is that

these numbers, these results,
this is what I mentioned in my e-mail.

- Why did you decide to test the system?
- I don't know.

- Why'd you need to test at a high count?
- I don't know.

If you found a system error,
how are we gonna fix it?

I'm not sure.

Look into your soul and ask yourself
this: Why test the computer at such limits,

with so few days left to fix
a problem if you found one?

- I was just double-checking.
- Do you want to destroy this company?

Because that's what you
may do. The ramifications.

Do you wanna put over
1,000 employees out of work?

Do you?

- But the election will be a fraud.
- Here. The people were voting.

The democratic process has
worked. The only sour note:

They won't end up with the
person they voted for to be president.

But we can celebrate the process,
the democratic process we hold so dear,

will have worked efficiently. Effectively.
Everybody's gonna be satisfied,

unless somebody discloses,
indiscriminately, willy-nilly.

In which case, it'll appear that
democracy's in the shithouse,

and by tomorrow,
Delacroy will be nonexistent.

- Was that your motive?
- No.

America votes. A
leader is chosen.

But one thing can
disturb this beatific vision.

I just wanna be truthful.

Perception of legitimacy's more
important than legitimacy itself.

That's the greater truth.
Don't fuck with our democracy.

Don't undermine our way of life.

What's at the heart and
soul of every American?

They believe that their vote counts.
You want to tell them that's not true?

But the results of the
election will be wrong.

- One candidate will win because of error.
- He will?

- How do we know that?
- I'm telling you.

Based on what? Guessing.
This is your project, Eleanor.

If you wanna tinker with it, for
future elections, I encourage you.

The Delacroy Voting System is your baby.
You're a perfectionist. I support you.

You wanna make it more
perfect. But do it alone.

And with an eye to the future,
because it's the future that interests us.

Now is the past.

As I understand it,
there's no problem.

And?

And...

- They seem to like this guy Dobbs.
- Oh, Danny, please.

- This is all part of the same error?
- Yes.

I'm going home.

Well, I don't know if she's
enrolled in the program,

- I'll tell you that.
- What does my legal counsel suggest then?

I'm gonna make a phone call.

There was research
done a year ago

saying more and more people are
getting their political news from Leno,

Letterman, Jon Stewart,
Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher

more than from newspapers
and actual news programs.

There you go. My
thoughts exactly.

You're kidding me? Oh, come on!

It should be on the
news any minute.

It looks like we're gonna
take North Carolina.

What? And Indiana?

You're sure?

Oh, this is so insane.
Insanity. It's sweet insanity!

And Indiana goes to Dobbs.

It's just been confirmed that
comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.

If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won
every state where he's been on the ballot.

Comedian Tom Dobbs
wins the Sunshine State.

So, New York wants a comedian
as president of the United States.

Comedian Tom Dobbs declared
winner..- Another big win for Tom Dobbs...

With 99 percent of the vote in,
comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.

The funnyman has
conquered the Lone Star State.

According to my calculations,

comedian Tom Dobbs has got
146 electoral votes right now.

He's got them.

There are five states to be counted
where he's on the ballot, out of the 13.

And it's possible, if
he takes all five states,

that could put Dobbs over
the top of the 270 needed.

I believe my figures are
correct, but it's a possibility.

Not a likely possibility,
but it's a possibility.

This is the happiest
night of my life.

And I can't stay awake.

Our exit polls have only, in
some cases, proven accurate.

Perhaps voters are keeping their
voting choices close to the vest.

Now, Senator Mills has
very strong numbers,

but not strong enough
to beat President Kellogg.

In fact, the incumbent
has beaten Senator Mills

in every state where they've
been going one-on-one.

Legislative debates help
third-party candidates,

and it really, really
helped Dobbs a lot.

If you remember
in '92, we all thought

Perot going into the
debates would end up...

They are still confident
of an election victory.

Tom Dobbs has been gaining
momentum since the debate.

Now, right after the debate,
there was a mixed reaction,

but what we've seen since is the public
sees him as a candidate for change.

And he has been formidable, as
we've seen in these numbers tonight.

We are now going to go
live back to Election Central,

where Chris Matthews
is standing by-

- Chris?
- Hold on to your hats, folks.

Tom Dobbs has gotten
275 electoral votes.

Comedian Tom Dobbs is the
next president of the United States.

At 1:23 East Coast time,

comedian Tom Dobbs has been
elected president of the United States.

The free world will now
be led by a comedian.

Mr. President. Donald
Tilson, Secret Service.

I'll be taking over.

You don't find this
a little bit absurd?

Thanks for your honesty.

Always been a big
fan of your work, sir.

Jack, you're the manager of
the president of the United States.

Comedy Store to the White House.

We've got to look into the
issue of computer fraud.

We've had problems
in other states.

Florida, Ohio, elsewhere,

where it's not only questions of
malfunction but questions of legitimacy.

Are these computers hackable?

Everyone knows
there isn't a paper trail.

It's not the way the
Delacroy system is set up.

Congress knew that-

Face it, the reality is a comedian was
elected president of the United States.

Case closed, end of discussion-

Have you given any thought
to the make-up of your cabinet?

I looked at the IKEA catalog
and didn't see anything I liked,

but I'm hoping for, maybe, a
dark walnut with a nice veneer.

What was your vice
president's response?

Shocked as the rest of us.

"Guess I'll clear my calendar
for the next four years."

- Can we get back to the cabinet?
- Certainly.

It will be diverse including Republicans,
Democrats and people of no affiliation.

I want diversity. I believe
democracy is a collision of ideas.

I'm not of the school that if
you're not for us, you're against us.

That being said, if I had my
druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet.

May not accomplish more, but fun to think
about what they do behind closed doors.

Thank you, everyone. We're on
our way to Washington. Wish us luck.

It'll be an adventure
and you're all part of it.

- Hello?
- Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.

If you paid more attention
instead of daydreaming.

Sorry. Give me a
cappuccino, please.

Sure.

Angus. Cappuccino.

- Can't you see he's busy getting mine?
- I was giving him my order.

- It's not a big deal.
- It's really not.

Apparently it is, because
this is taking forever.

- It's forever.
- Hold your horses.

- Angus, do you have those cookies I like?
- Can you just let me get my cappuccino?

Okay.

Didn't realize you
were such a bitch.

Anytime this millennium
would be terrific.

Thanks.

- Cappuccino?
- Yes. Thanks.

Oh... ow...

Shit.

Shit. Shit.

- Let me give you a hand.
- I got it.

- Let me take care of it.
- I got it. I got it!

- It's no...
- I got it!

- I got it.
- Okay.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

- Who stole my purse?
- Ellie.

Ellie, it's right here.

Did you empty out my purse?

Did you touch my things?

- No.
- You touched my things.

I can't believe you
touched my things.

- Ellie, I didn't...
- You touched my things.

What's wrong with you?

He went through my things!

Damn it.

I made a mess.

I've made a mess.

I've made such a mess.

I've made such a
mess, but it's my mess.

- And I'm gonna clean it up.
- Okay.

I'm gonna clean up my mess.

Mess. And I'll clean it up.

It's my mess... my mess...

Ellie, do you want
me to get some help?

- My mess.
- Can someone call 911?

We have a deadline in
terms of appointments.

There are 8,000 slots to be filled,
1,500 require Senate confirmation.

- Do we know that many incompetent people?
- Well, in L.A., maybe.

Oh, and over 400 just
for core White House staff.

We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary
positions, or float some possible choices.

Off the top of my head, Bruce
Springsteen as Secretary of State.

- Joke.
- Little one. Little joke.

Sorry. I'm just a little
nervous, guys. I do care.

- Hope this works.
- Oh, it'll work.

I think.

Thank you. Sorry I'm late.
My horse pulled up lame.

Thank you. Nice tie.

President-elect Tom Dobbs paid
an impromptu visit to Congress

and brought down the
House with laughter.

As word spread quickly, more and more
members of Congress left their offices

to see Dobbs'
costumed visit firsthand-

That reception
was extraordinary.

I will try and be brief. I know
Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.

It should be duly
noted, chairman,

that this is not a scheduled visit.
It's not on the docket. It's not official.

So, no rules have been
violated, it's just our little secret

between you, me
and the world media.

I also have some
disturbing news.

I took a poll, and one-third of Congress
thought this was the present fashion.

Other third thought I
looked like Barbara Bush...

I'm looking at the toxicology
report. It's overwhelming.

She's got Benzedrine, morphine,
codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.

Historians have written
that our founding fathers

were brilliant and
courageous men,

but they sometimes
made difficult decisions,

sometimes had to pass
unpopular legislation.

What will they think about us 200
years from now? About this Congress?

Will they say that you're brave
and brilliant? Courageous?

Will your legacy be as
extraordinary as theirs?

We have a lot to live up to.

I think we can do it.

I know we can do it.

You can't just say
it didn't happen.

I want to deal
with the problems.

When have you ever known
me to ever take any kind of drugs?

I'm even afraid of Nyquil.

I got a promotion.

- They're sending me to Ireland.
- Oh, Danny.

- What?
- They're just trying to pay you off.

They don't want you talking
about the computer problems.

Got to let people know
the election's a fraud.

- Do you think anybody will believe you?
- Sure. Why not?

Because you flipped out and you're
in a hospital and you're on drugs?

- I don't do drugs.
- Cocaine?

I don't do drugs. I
don't do drugs. I don't.

Who believes you?
Who's gonna believe you?

There's problems.

Education, healthcare,

inner cities, infrastructure,
environmental issues.

That's what's before us.

- He will.
- Our legacy will be...

Turn left.

Okay.

- Talk to me, baby, talk to me.
- Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.

Okay.

FBI. FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

I am now the manager of the
president-elect of the United States.

Fifteen percent of the president's salary
is nothing to what Dobbs normally makes.

This is a monetary sacrifice
I am willing to make since

I am now the first show-business
manager ever to handle a president.

♪ The way you wear your hat ♪

♪ The way you sip your tea ♪

♪ The memory of all that... ♪

Oh, I wish I could walk.

Oh, man.

Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.

Eleanor Green, FBI.

Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.

- Everything all right?
- Oh, just fine.

Just fine.

I'm just here just making
sure everything's secured.

I probably shouldn't have
introduced myself. I'm sorry.

No, you have to.

- Anyway, happy birthday again.
- Again? Did another year just pass?

I taught Tom everything
he knows about comedy.

- Except how to be funny.
- I can see that.

A put-down from the FBI.

- No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...
- Come on now, please.

He's annoying when he's
happy. It's an old Irish tradition.

- You wanna dance?
- I don't dance.

They didn't teach you
to dance at the FBI?

J. Edgar Hoover was
a wonderful dancer.

Fat, but light on his feet.

Could we just talk and not move?

Sure.

What do you do when you're
not pretending to be an FBI agent?

- It's that apparent?
- Yeah.

You're not concerned?
Me crashing the party?

Please. I've played
in clubs for years.

Had to deal with drunks,
hecklers, and angry waitresses,

one of which is my ex-wife.

I have an eye for that and you
wouldn't be on my dangerous list.

Good.

- That's good.
- Yeah.

Besides, Secret Service already
flagged you and I said you were okay.

- Too fast?
- No, I'm fine.

- No...
- So, what do you really do?

Um...

Well, I did work for
Delacroy Voting Systems.

But they had... cutbacks.

I... Laid off.

Laid off? I thought they were
making big bucks. That's weird.

Well, it was a small
cutback, actually.

It was a very small
cutback, actually. Just me.

Oh, so would "fired" be more
appropriate than "cutback"?

Well, if you wanna be picky.

- Oh, picky.
- With words, then yes.

Then I guess "fired."

"Fired" would be it.

May I ask why?

- Oh, none of my business.
- It is.

You're having such a good
time. I don't wanna spoil it.

- You have to do the birthday toast now.
- I'll be right there. Yeah.

Listen. We're staffing
up right now and...

- Staffing up?
- Yeah.

Tom, 60 seconds, okay?

- Staffing up? No, that's not what I meant.
- Okay.

- That's not why I'm here.
- That's all right.

This is my personal cell.

And, you know, if you need
anything, you call. Okay?

Yeah! Yes, indeed!

To Jack Menken, a
man who once said:

"If Mama Cass shared a sandwich
with Karen Carpenter, they'd be alive."

I... I'm sorry.

He's so sensitive, someone once asked,
"What do you think of gay marriage?"

He said, "Gays have a right to
be as miserable as the rest of us."

To Jack Menken, an
incredible human being.

- A great manager.
- A great manager.

- Made you a star.
- Mm-hm.

Made you the president, and by
doing so has put me out of work.

- God love him.
- God bless Jack Menken!

♪ Well, my heart knows me
better Than I know myself ♪

♪ So I'm gonna let
it do all the talking ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ I came across a place
In the middle of nowhere ♪

♪ With a big black
horse and a cherry tree ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo ♪

♪ But I said Big black
horse and a cherry tree ♪

♪ I can't quite get there
'Cause my heart forsaken me ♪

♪ Big black horse
and a cherry tree ♪

♪ I can't quite get there
'Cause my heart forsaken me ♪

- Danny, hi.
- Hey. Where the hell are you?

Are you alone? This
is your cell phone?

- Yeah, why? What's going on?
- Paranoid, I guess.

I got a chance to
meet him. Dobbs.

You didn't tell him,
did you? I mean...

No, but he should
know, don't you think?

Let it go. Just
put it behind you.

Nothing good can possibly come
from revealing what happened.

Is anyone figuring out what
happened with the system?

I don't know. It's not the sort
of thing that I'd hear about.

They'd go through the private
channels for that sort of thing.

Ellie?

Good night, Danny.

James Hemmings'
office. Is Mr. Hemmings in?

- This is Tom Dobbs.
- Just a minute.

Mm-hm?

It's a Tom Dobbs.

Is that the Tom Dobbs,
president-elect Dobbs?

- Well, did you ask?
- No.

I was too embarrassed to.

All right.

James Hemmings.

James. Tom Dobbs,
president-elect.

Ah, yes, sir. Yeah, of course.

I know this is a little
out of the ordinary,

but did you have an employee
named Eleanor Green?

Uh, yeah. Um, is
something wrong?

I need some information.

Strictly confidential.
Just between you and me.

I mean, well, where do I begin?

I know that she was
fired by Delacroy.

Look, I'm a little
confused. Is she, uh...?

- Is she applying for a job with you?
- No.

Did you meet with
her personally?

That's how I knew that she was a
Delacroy employee and she was fired.

Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that?

Add what?

Did she mention that she
had a bad drug problem?

- She had a breakdown and was hospitalized.
- No, she didn't mention that.

Yeah, I'm surprised she's there.
She should be in drug rehab.

Weird. She doesn't
seem like the type.

Do you know how
I might reach her?

- I guess we both have a problem.
- Yeah, yeah.

If I hear anything,
I'll contact you.

Delacroy completed a deal with
the European Common Market

which will invest in their
computer voting system.

With this announcement, Delacroy stock
has jumped 37 percent on the big board.

Whoo! Come on!

S.

- Yeah, there are two of them.
- All right.

- Nine-hundred.
- N.

Yeah, two N's- That'll get
you on the board with $1,800.

- Eight-hundred.
- I?

Yeah, there are two of them.
You have almost $3,000-

I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'd like to buy an I.

Well, there are two I's.

- It's a good time to find a letter or two.
- M.

Or three. Yes.

Double G's before double I's.

Double B's before double G's.

Yes! Yes!

Double G's before double I's.

Double B's before double G's.

It's alphabetical.

It's alphabetical.

You mean to tell me we
didn't shut down her access

- when we let her go?
- Evidently not.

- That's smart.
- Her ID's showing up in the log.

She's been in the mainframe,
around the code depository.

- Do we know where she is?
- Not yet, but we will.

- What's the matter?
- You know. I'm unhappy.

You're unhappy about what?

- What do you think I'm unhappy about?
- You agreed to play the turkey.

I never agreed.

It's not a big deal.
All you do is cluck.

First of all, we don't
cluck, we gobble, okay?

If it's not a big deal,
you be the turkey.

- You want me to be the turkey?
- Come on.

- You want me to be the turkey?
- Yeah.

Tom here.

Hi- TOM: Eleanor, is that you?

- Yes.
- How do you turn the music down?

We're having a post-Thanksgiving
outing. Can I pick you up?

An outing? No, I had
something I had to tell you.

Good, good. Give me an address-

Eleanor, we're
going paintballing.

I brought you camouflage
and thermals, it's gonna be cold.

Follow me, men.

- What?
- Cold.

I can't believe it.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Are you all right?
- No!

- I'm out.
- Well, thank God.

I'm out of ammo!

The president-elect's
just been shot.

He's dead. Let's
go round them up.

What a pleasant way
to spend the day, huh?

Killing your friends?

That's all the exercise
I'm ever gonna need.

- Did that hurt?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Hey.

- Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure.

We have to walk away from
those who have listening devices.

- Do they have listening devices?
- They can't hear.

They hear each
other, but not us.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Because I haven't been...

I haven't been forthright
with you about certain things.

Maybe "forthright"... God.

"Forthright" isn't the
word I'm looking for.

Maybe I haven't disclosed enough,
and that really isn't easy for me

especially now that I know you.

I mean, okay, I don't know
you. I mean, I know you...

I know you because you're Tom
Dobbs, but I don't really know you...

You got a lot of setup here.
You don't need that much.

It's too much of a lead-in.
Just the punch line.

- You're gonna be president.
- Yeah.

- Maybe that's not so bad.
- I hope.

Oh, God. I worked at
Delacroy and I worked so hard.

- Yeah.
- And I cared. I cared so much.

- I am so full of guilt.
- I can make this a lot easier for you.

What do you mean? How?

- Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy.
- What?

Well, I wanted to find you. I remember
you said you worked at Delacroy.

I wanted to see you.

- You did?
- Mm-hm.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah.

Wow.

God. That's good.

- Well, good, not so good.
- No, it's good.

He told me about your
drug problem and...

Oh, no. No, no, no. I
don't have a drug problem.

- It's all right.
- Tom, I do not have a drug problem.

Hey, Tom, I hate to interrupt, but the
Secret Service wants you out by dark.

By the way, drug dealers have
this place booked until dawn.

I didn't tell him.
He's making a joke.

We'll talk about it
later. Honestly, it's okay.

- There's no drug problem.
- That's all I need to know.

- There's a lot to discuss here.
- Yeah. I think...

That doesn't look clear to
me. Another 30 minutes?

- Yeah, maybe.
- The wing is...

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

We may have a problem here.

I like it crispy.

- I like a nice crunchy skin.
- I know, Menken.

- I just wanna be heard.
- You've been heard.

- I've produced a lot of turkeys.
- Yes, you have.

Look at this old C-SPAN. Congress
is in session and no one's there.

Harkin's speaking about an
amendment to a bill. Place is empty.

How do you get
people in their seats?

- They have things to do.
- Like?

Like, they've got lobbyists to deal with.
Trips the lobbyists have sent them on.

They've got to go do TV shows to
explain to people what they're not doing

while they're not there.

This makes golf look like porn.

Shouldn't you be giving that up?

Did you know there were once ads

that said four out of five doctors
recommend this brand or that brand?

Come on. You're kidding me.

- Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?
- Said they were good for you.

There was one
slogan before my time:

"Not a cough in the carload."

It's a little too late now.

I'm sorry.

You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?

Unfortunately, I do.

I see that.

Pass the cranberry sauce please.

Thank you.

I have to talk
to you in private.

- Now?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Thanks.

You've got a great group.

- Ellie, whatever your problem is...
- What? You can fix my problem?

Is this the president-elect speaking
or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?

- Just Tom Dobbs.
- Good.

Because Tom Dobbs is
not the elected president.

There. I've said it. Kill me.

It's true.

There was a problem with
the computer voting system.

It's that error that's made you the
next president of the United States.

- I didn't win?
- Not even close.

- What do you want me to do?
- I don't know.

I've been living with
this. I just had to tell you.

- Do you want to go public?
- I can't.

I could, but nobody would
believe me. Not anymore.

But somebody has to know.
Somebody. At least you.

I mean, I don't know.
Look, I don't know.

Maybe it is best that
you're the next president

even if they
didn't vote for you.

Out of curiosity...

- did you vote for me?
- No.

I don't vote. To be honest
with you, I don't vote.

Politicians will say anything
to get elected. Maybe I'm jaded.

I didn't think you had a chance.

I'm talking like I'm
concerned. I don't even vote.

I've gotta talk this over with
Menken. Come on, I want you with me.

- No, I can't.
- Why not?

- Tom, I can't!
- Why?

I had to tell you. You
do with it what you want.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Is something wrong?

You guys have a fight?

She knows a lot about computers.
More than you ever wanna know, really.

Should I be impressed?

It's improbable, me
winning the election.

Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The
only difference between reality and fiction

is that fiction needs
to be credible."

We are, my friend,
in uncharted waters.

She just told me I
didn't win the election.

Whoops.

Computer malfunction.

- She knows this for sure?
- Yeah.

She tried to warn the Delacroy
Company and they hid it. Bad for business.

- You don't believe her, do you?
- I do. It's true.

I always thought the Nielsen
ratings were full of shit, but this?

It's hard to believe that
many people watched JAG.

I never met anybody who'd
say, "Did you see JAG last night?"

Don't believe her
so quickly, Tom.

- She knows what she's talking about.
- That's debatable.

So, what's she gonna do?

Nothing. She left it up to me.

Leaving it to you. Delacroy's
not gonna say anything.

She's not gonna
say anything, so...

- um, there's no problem.
- No problem?

- We move on.
- Oh, like nothing happened?

- Something like that.
- If you tell a joke

and it stinks but you put a
laugh track, the joke still stinks.

I'm president, but not really.

This is where we are.

You wanna throw
it away or go for it?

I never told you which gigs to
take, I only advised, but to me

this decision is a slam dunk.

Yeah.

Tom?

Eleanor, tomorrow at 11:00, I'm
gonna have a press conference

and tell the people I'm not the
legitimate president of the United States.

I'm so sorry.

I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

- Danny, I told him.
- Why did you tell him?

Gah... I had to. And
now I hate myself.

Does he believe you?

He's calling a press
conference tomorrow at 11.

- He's gonna make the whole thing known.
- Oh, shit. Look what you did.

I wish I hadn't told him.

I mean, I know I did the right
thing. It was the right thing to do.

And yet... And yet...

Maybe I've done the wrong thing,
and how can that possibly be?

I mean, did I do the right
thing or the wrong thing?

I know it's the right thing,
and then why do I feel like this?

We've got to preempt
his press conference.

And very early tomorrow morning.

- Press conference set up?
- Yeah. What the hell's going on?

Jack? Jack?

A reporter says Delacroy's
going to make an announcement.

Some story to do
with Eleanor Green.

This is what we
got going on today.

The Witches of November. A
winter storm from the Great Lakes.

That's going to spread one to
three inches of snow across D. C.

I don't think there's more
than that, not a lot of moisture.

It's a pretty closed-up system,
and it's gonna move up quickly...

We interrupt this broadcast
to bring you breaking news.

We have some dirty laundry
that needs to be addressed.

Uh, recently, Delacroy had to
dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,

who was suffering severe
psychological problems.

We made an effort
to get her medical help

and discovered she was involved in
the use of barbiturates and cocaine.

We would have kept this private,
but additional facts have come to light.

We have evidence Miss Green manipulated the
prototype of our computer voting system.

- Tom here.
- Turn on the television.

- What channel?
- Any channel.

Her motives aren't
quite clear to us.

Apart from the fact that she
seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs

to the degree that she tried to
corrupt the system to get him elected.

We also know the president-elect
has been seen in her presence recently.

But let me make this very
clear, we're not suggesting

there was any impropriety
on behalf of the president-elect,

other than the fact that
he knows this woman.

Pull over.

We are a family at Delacroy.

We have an extensive
health care program

and lots of people have

psychological problems, mental
problems, health problems.

It's not something you
should sweep under the rug,

you gotta talk about it.

We believe that strongly

and we make our best effort to
find out about it as soon as possible

and to give help.

The good news is all the computer voting
systems installed in polling stations

throughout the United
States remain secure.

Therefore, there were no
irregularities in the election

and our safeguards
prove to be impenetrable.

That's all the information
we have at this time.

Uh, I'll take any questions
now, if you got them. Yes?

Take a look at this.
Take a look at this.

Perfect, just perfect.

She's a piece of work, huh?

Flipped out in the company
cafeteria on all sorts of drugs,

clearly a mental case.

Hospital said she had more
pills in her than a pharmacy.

I believe her.

- She didn't seem that crazy to me.
- You're in love with her.

She could tell you Gandhi ate
hot dogs and you'd believe her.

Take a look at
this. Take a look.

If what she says is true,
I'm not the president-elect.

"If" is becoming
a very large word.

The first time we met her she
said she was working for the FBI.

She knew about the computer
fraud but takes three weeks to tell you?

"By the way, you're not the
president and Happy Thanksgiving."

If she's not psychotic, she's a
stalker. If she's not a stalker, she's CIA.

- Or maybe she's a succubus.
- What's that?

A succubus is a demon that
sucks the life out of healthy men.

I was once a healthy man.

What are you talking
about? Please, stop.

Don't get off track.

Can I get change? My dollar
won't work in your machine.

You're that Ms. Green
from the television.

I wasn't sure because
you always pay cash.

- Did your uncle get a hold of you?
- What?

He was trying to call your
room. He couldn't get through.

Either way, that
machine doesn't work.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'm in her hotel now.

I think she may have
figured out the glitch.

Bring it back, bring her back.

I want constant updates.

Yes, sir. When I find
her, I know what to do.

If she's figured out
this computer glitch...

and goes with that to
the press, we're screwed.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Mr. President, we have
that luncheon speech

followed by a meet-and-greet.

- What do I do?
- Go be presidential.

Speech today give us any insight
into the Eleanor Green situation?

Jack, I've been trying to
call her, I can't reach her.

You have a busy schedule-
Keep your head in that.

Oh, that's terrific. Hey,
Saturday Night Live

wants a "Weekend Update."

- Did I head Saturday Night Live?
- Yeah.

- Do it.
- Why?

It's a great opportunity.
You were blinded by love,

you didn't know she
was popping pills.

It isn't like you were on some side street
getting head like Hugh what's-his-name.

You're so sensitive.

Okay, I'll do it.

- He'll do it.
- Yeah.

I'll call you later for details.

It's hard to believe it's been
a year since we've gathered,

we are very pleased to have
a most honored guest with us...

I wrote down some lines for
you. They're fantastic, if I must say.

- I even threw in a Hitler joke.
- How's that supposed to work?

You'll see.

Tom Dobbs.

Knock them dead.

Thank you very much.

I guess...

we should get this over with
at the beginning because, uh...

we've all heard there's a
bit of a rumor going around.

So I'll share the big scoop with
you because, uh, Oprah was booked.

I'm not even president yet

and I'm involved in a
scandal with a woman.

I did not have sex
with that woman.

I wanted to.

I'm single.

And, uh, you've elected a man
as president who is probably...

the unluckiest man in
the world in that area.

In high school, most of
my dates were with myself.

I would take myself out for
dinner, bring myself home,

put on music that I liked...

have my way with
myself and then go...

"Should I drive
myself home now?"

The bottom line, if I was
in Italy I might get lucky.

They elected an Italian
porn star to their senate.

Which is wonderful. There's no
sex scandal there, just great posters.

And incredible downloads.

I think that's the bottom
line. In a democracy...

we can have a certain sense of
humor about ourselves. We have to.

You're allowed to make
fun of those in power.

But even in the face of
tyranny there is comedy.

These two old Jews
were sent to kill Hitler,

they waited in an alleyway. They
were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30.

They're there with guns, bombs,
knives. Twelve-thirty, no Hitler.

Twelve forty-five, no Hitler.

One o'clock, no Hitler.

Finally, one turns to the other and
goes, "I hope nothing happened to him."

It's good to see us back again. The
fact that we could laugh is wonderful.

The last few years we've
been divided, though.

Red states, blue states.

There are no red states and
blue states. Only the United States.

That's what we're about.

That's why I say you can't
spend $200 million on a campaign

and not be owing
people something.

Next, they have to deal
with the special interest,

they're doing special favors

for special people, not
dealing with what you need.

Education, healthcare,
environmental issues.

They have to deal with oil
companies, chemical companies.

Drug companies.

And they owe them.

And in the process,
people get neglected.

The poor have no advocate
because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.

The Statue of Liberty says,
"Give me your tired, your poor."

Not, "your wealthy, your
gifted and your endowed."

I worked out your bit with
SNL, they really liked it.

- Has Eleanor called yet?
- No.

- She hasn't called me, either.
- You never know with females.

I had an ex who used to
do enough tranquilizers

- to put a flock of sheep to sleep.
- Why?

So she said it made the
sex with me more bearable.

- Eleanor didn't do drugs.
- Oh, no.

And ball players don't do
steroids, they just wake up one day

looking like Mack trucks.

Pump a little iron, you'll
look like a HUMVEE.

With little tiny balls.

Remember, this is a
meet-and-greet and nothing more.

The house is so
close to the street.

Whoa! Boy, that's a desk.

I mean, wow.

I've never really sat
behind a desk before.

I mean, the one on the
show is just a prop, but this...

Where do you do your writing?

Usually on the back of
a napkin sitting in a bar.

Well, there's a lot of
history to this desk.

The first time I sat behind it
I had a sort of nervous chill.

Some of the greats and
not-so-greats have sat here.

Please.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Mr. President.

- Hello?
- Tom. Tom.

Eleanor, uh, hold on.

Mr. President, I'll
just be a minute.

Thank you.

Tom. Two guys broke
into my hotel room.

- I don't know what to do.
- Who are they?

They're connected with Delacroy.
They know I broke the code.

Code? What code?

I figured out what
caused the glitch.

- Where are you now?
- I'm in a shopping mall.

Shopping?

No, I'm not shopping.

- Why are you there?
- I didn't know what to do.

This was safer.

Mr. President-elect, I'm
on a bit of a tight schedule.

Listen, Eleanor, I'm
with the president.

What?

Uh, I'm with the president

- in the Oval Office.
- With the president?

You're in the Oval Office?

Well, look, Tom, I just
don't know what to do. I'm...

Hello?

Hello? Tom? Hello? Hello?

He...

Sorry, sir.

Wow!

It's been a pleasure. Thank you.

By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I
never thought you had a chance.

I underestimated you.

Just between you and me, Mr. President,
you didn't underestimate me at all.

Really? Why?

Oh, but that's so weird.

I never said anything to him.

No, he said stuff to me.

Oh, like, what am I gonna
say back? But... Hold on a sec.

Hi, sorry to interrupt. I need
a charger for this cell phone.

For my cigarette lighter.

We don't stock that anymore.

- How long have you had that phone?
- Well, it's...

It's not a relic.
It's a year old.

There's a problem,
it's a year old.

Mr. Stewart would like
to see you at Delacroy.

- Why does he want to see me?
- He just wants to talk to you.

Reasonable people can
come to reasonable solutions.

You figured out the glitch, you
should be paid for your work.

The Delacroy jet is waiting at
the private air terminal. I got her.

Get in.

Get in.

Shit!

Yeah.

I'm tracking her on her GPS.

Uh-huh.

Yes.

I'll pick her up, bring
her to the airport.

I just got off with the FBI.

They'll confirm you had no contact
with Eleanor prior to the election.

That gets you off the hook in
any attempt to fix the election.

Gotta get you to
the airport earlier.

There's a storm moving in.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, after your Saturday
Night Live tonight...

then I'm gonna be,
uh... heading on.

Why so soon?

Menken thinks it's for the best.
No sense postponing the inevitable.

Will you be disappointed
to go back to TV?

God, no. I have a glorious
love/hate relationship with TV.

- How so?
- TV scares me.

- It makes everything seem credible.
- Why's that so bad?

If everything seems credible,
then nothing seems credible.

You know, TV puts everybody
in those boxes, side by side.

On one side, there's the
certifiable lunatic who says

the Holocaust never happened.

And next to him is this
noted honored historian

who knows all
about the Holocaust.

And now, there they sit.

Side by side. They look like equals.
Everything they say seems to be credible.

And so, as it goes on, nothing
seems credible anymore.

We just stop listening.

In the Times, 60 percent of
voters would've voted for Dobbs

- if they could have.
- Yeah. He sounds different.

That's why they can hear him.

- Hello?
- My phone died and some guy's after me.

- I thought two guys were after you.
- No, this is someone else.

- Who?
- I assume that he's from Delacroy.

He has a pick-up truck.

Eleanor I... I think
you need help.

He... He tried to
abduct me from the mall.

From the mall?

- Okay.
- Look, I... I think it has to do

with the fact that I
figured everything out.

She's in a phone
booth of route 173.

You see, Mills and
Kellogg both have double I's.

But Kellogg trumps
him with double G's

- and you trump him with double B's.
- I don't know what that means.

Listen... where are you?

I don't know. I don't
know where I am.

It's dark, there's a factory.
I see a Christmas tree.

I don't know where I am.

- What do you want me to do, sir?
- I'm willing to offer big money...

and she's running away now?

Why is she running away?

She's impossible- I don't
know who she's talking to,

- I don't know what she's saying.
- Go to the airport...

and go to BWI private terminal.

There's a plane there.

I'll take you to New York,

- and we'll solve your problem.
- Private terminal at the airport?

I don't know how
to get to the airport.

All right, I'll try. I'll try and
get there. I'll look at my GPS.

Hello?

Eleanor?

Breaking news. We do know there
has been a very serious traffic accident.

It is tying up traffic out on the
Baltimore Washington parkway

where it meets route 495.
And that is the Capital Beltway.

There has been
one serious injury.

We have been talking to police,
they have identified the injured woman

as an Eleanor Green.

- Oh, my God.
- Yes, if that name sounds familiar,

- it is the same Eleanor Green...
- Menken. You have to see this.

We just got a report of an
accident. It's Eleanor Green.

Not now, please.

Excuse me.

- Are you with the ambulance?
- Yes, sir.

- Eleanor Green?
- She's stable.

Thank you.

Not now.

Mr. President.

Oh, shit.

Why does he have to
get himself into this mess?

Kid driving the truck
is from Pittsburg.

Apparently lost control on
the ice, went right off the road.

- We've gotta get to Saturday Night Live.
- There's time.

Double B... double L...

double G. Double
B... double L...

double G.

Double B...

double L... double G.

Double L...

double G.

Trying to discredit her.

She's not psychotic, okay?

I believe her.
Look what they did.

Last night you were willing to give
it up. Now you wanna do it again.

Listen.

Police said a truck
went out of control.

- She was trying to tell me.
- It was snowing.

She said she knew what
the computer glitch was.

The way she is now, it'll be a
couple days before we can find out.

Where's the proof? Some proof.

Give me something. Something
to justify what she's saying.

We don't have time to
keep playing this game.

She was trying
to explain it to me.

She kept saying, "Double
B, double G, double L."

I don't know what it means.

Whatever happened,
we're never gonna know.

One thing remains
true, you're the president.

You're either getting
on that plane or not.

Tom, come January 20th,
the White House is yours.

Nothing can change that.

No one can.

Except you.

You coming?

From Studio 8H in
Rockefeller Center,

it's Weekend Update with
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Hi, I'm Amy Poehler.

I'm Tina Fey and here
are tonight's top stories.

A Malaysian man famous
for pulling planes and buses

with his hair died this
week of heart complications.

Tragically, he
would still be alive,

but he insisted on pulling
his own ambulance.

A German filmmaker is planning
to make a comedy about Hitler.

Hey, I went through the cue cards
and I'm telling you, you're gonna kill.

It's gonna work like a charm.
Don't worry about a thing.

You do a couple
Eleanor Green jokes

and we get this
stuff way behind you.

- All right.
- You can go on and be, uh, president.

Forensic scientists say they
have recreated George Washington

as he looked at age 19,

while Tom Dobbs has
recreated how Thomas Jefferson

would've looked
if he were crazy.

When the source is identified,
Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.

A report suggests that more
species of birds mate for life

than previously believed, while
other species only mate for votes.

This week, Tom Dobbs met with
his presidential transition team,

who briefed him on the day-to-day
activities of the Oval Office.

However, Dobbs became upset
when he learned that Monday

would no longer be reruns.

- I heard that.
- Uh-oh, who said that?

- Do we have a special guest?
- What?

- Welcome. You know my wife.
- Hello.

President-elect, Tom Dobbs.

In the neighborhood, thought I'd
drop by. I always wanted to say that.

Sounds like Bob Hope.
"Thought I'd drop by."

Thank you for coming.
Make yourself comfortable.

Lovely. Thank you.

Wow, listen, we all
saw you in Congress

in that outfit the other day.
That was quite flattering.

Those wigs, it's kind
of nice. I love the...

The buckled shoe, though.
It's part pimp, part pilgrim.

You can either get off the Mayflower
or have four girls in a Cadillac.

- They love him.
- Yeah.

- It's working like a charm.
- I'm thinking... This is just out loud...

I should go with some Manolo
Blanco, to give you that little:

- To lift the ass.
- Lift the ass.

Next time, I want to go
stilettoes, something crazy.

Manolo.

Now, I'm pleased the
FBI cleared any suspicion

that you knew Eleanor
Green before the election.

- Not at all, no.
- Good.

So, that absolves you
of any conspiratorial thing

- that you fixed the election.
- Right.

What do you make of
her obsession with you?

Well, Tina, I have just
one question for you:

Is this a face a woman
would be obsessed with?

- Well...
- Well, by your pause, I understand.

Because I think a
woman can be obsessed

with a movie star
like Brad Pitt. Hello.

And, uh, you could say Angelina.
I could be obsessed with Angelina.

I just wanna wet her lips
and just stick her to something.

Also, you could say
obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars.

Women rushing the stage,
fainting for Elvis, for The Beatles,

for Mick Jagger, to
say, "This is your baby."

But women don't rush
the stage for comedians.

They basically, if they
throw their panties on stage

it's because they want them
fluffed, folded and back by Friday.

I... I threw my underpants
at Britney Spears once, but...

Because I thought
she needed a pair.

God bless.

I thought you were gonna say you
threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.

- That's a good re-write. Whoa!
- Whoa! Good night, good luck.

That's from our new
book, One Night in Paris.

But for me, here's
the basic thing.

I mean, how plausible is it that
a woman would fix an election

because she's obsessed with
me? Where's the hanging chad?

Where's the governor
being your brother?

Where's the ruling
against the voter?

Come on, where's the
conspiracy in that? None, really.

Here's the real question:

It's like, if that's not why,
what is the real answer?

What is the real answer?

- Thank you for picking that one up.
- Where's he going with this?

The bottom line is Eleanor
Green came to me and told me

that there was a computer glitch in
the Delacroy computer voting system.

She warned the chief executive
of Delacroy, James Hemmings,

but they decided to cover
it up for economic reasons.

It's not good for the
stock offering, really.

The truth is... I'm not the elected
president of the United States.

Bottom line is, it was a
computer error. Not fraud...

but a faulty program.

HAL decided it liked me.

Today I was in the Oval
Office on a preparatory meeting

and I sat behind
the president's desk

and I had a reality
check. It overwhelmed me.

I sat there and went,
"Wait a minute. I'm a jester.

A jester doesn't rule the
kingdom, he makes fun of the king."

And for a brief moment,
I thought, you know,

"I could be the president."

I thought I was president
till Eleanor talked to me.

It's, uh... I know. We're
not on book anymore

and the cue-card guy is going:

We just usually do
fake news and jokes.

We don't usually
have real news and...

non-jokes.

So, watch out, Oprah.

Because we're
gonna go real, girl.

Here's the deal. A lot of you voted
for me, or at least some of you.

Yeah, thank you.

And I know you voted for
me because you were fed up

with the status quo.

But you were voting for
change for the sake of change.

You know, listen...

you could vote for someone
better. You can do better.

You can do better than the
politicians you've elected recently,

and definitely... don't put your faith
in a machine that has less controls

than a Vegas slot machine.

You don't want to be
a part of the reelection?

Oh, no, no. Please. No, no.
That's not a stage I belong on.

This is where I belong,
with folks like you,

finding the "funk"
in dysfunctional.

Mark Twain said irreverence
is the champion of liberty,

if not its only defender.
That's what we're there...

We're there to kind of shake it
up, and that's what we've gotta do.

How many of you think the
educational system is working?

Whoo-hoo!

One girl. Thank you.

"I learn to read."

You realize 40 percent of
American high-school graduates think

Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?

So, Tom Dobbs walked away from
being the president of the United States.

Okay, so, he wasn't
really elected, but...

if he hadn't told anyone...

We gonna send some
shout-out right now.

Shortly thereafter, Tom went
back to his political comedy show.

I'm gonna get on the desk like
Tom Cruise going, "I love her!"

He was bigger than ever.

Everyone's gonna be writing
about how honest you are,

how straightforward.

I just hope your honesty
doesn't undercut your irreverence.

I wanna do a show about gay
farmers, call it Cropsuckers. Offensive?

Not for me.

♪ The night was
long and lonely ♪

♪ It was dark and cold ♪

Nothing but the best.

♪ The season's
chill sure took hold ♪

♪ When the planet turns
Then a change will come... ♪♪

Yeah?

Hey.

Hi.

Like some company?

I left the night light on.

Eleanor became his producer...

and close companion.

Lover. Later his wife.

The two Delacroy executives
were arrested and later convicted

because Eleanor's theories
on the computer glitch

proved to be correct.

For those of you thinking
of getting breast implants,

there's something
new I want you to try.

A lot of people get
the large ones. Lovely.

Do something new for your
boyfriend. Put in a little squeak toy.

I think that's about the same.
We're easily amused. We'll be:

That's what it is for
us. We're like cats.

Remember the best
birth control, ladies.

The best birth control and
the cheapest is simply this:

As for President Kellogg, he
won against Mills in the reelection...

and in his second term was
better than any of us expected.

Not great, but better.

Maybe Tom Dobbs had
something to do with it. Who knows?

But I like to think that...

one thing does lead to another.

I'll remember this, ladies and
gentlemen. It's an old phrase,

basically anonymous, but
politicians are a lot like diapers.

They should be changed
frequently and for the same reason.

Keep that in mind next
time you vote. Good night.