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1
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(SIREN WAILING)
2
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(THUNDER RUMBLING)
3
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(DOOR OPENS)
4
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I hope the lightning and the thunder
5
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doesn't keep me awake tonight.
6
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It won't be the lightning and the thunder that keeps you awake.
7
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Dwight, it's 4:15 a.m.
8
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I gotta get up for work in just a few hours.
9
00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:59,085
Kendall, for the tenth time, marry me.
10
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Pick one of the last nine answers I gave you.
11
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(SIGHING) You're not gonna start
12
00:02:04,524 --> 00:02:05,758
with that perfect man thing again, are you?
13
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,761
There is no perfect man. There is no perfect woman.
14
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You're perfect for me, I'm perfect for you.
15
00:02:11,097 --> 00:02:13,600
You've been divorced once, I've been divorced twice.
16
00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,903
Oh, that certainly sounds perfect.
17
00:02:16,936 --> 00:02:19,172
Why is there so much lightning tonight?
18
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:42,996
That one must have hit close by.
19
00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:45,165
How much longer are you gonna wait for this nonexistent prince
20
00:02:45,198 --> 00:02:47,700
to gallop into your life, huh? Huh?
21
00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:55,008
How many years will you waste alone, unfulfilled,
22
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:59,546
without arms around you every night, childless?
23
00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,214
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
24
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(GRUNTING)
25
00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:16,195
Shit!
26
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,901
Kendall, get with the program.
27
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,804
For the eleventh and maybe last time...
28
00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:27,006
That one hit down on Houston Street.
29
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,308
Marry me.
30
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:29,742
Oh, yes! Yes?
31
00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:30,810
Yes. Yes!
32
00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:31,844
Yes!
33
00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:35,048
Thank you. For what?
34
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:36,349
I'm gonna have my attorney fax you
35
00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:38,418
a prenuptial agreement in the morning.
36
00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:40,687
I have the keys, I'm gonna go find a parking space.
37
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,488
You are great!
38
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:43,856
(DOOR OPENS)
39
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,858
(DOOR CLOSES) What did I say?
40
00:03:47,427 --> 00:03:48,895
What did I say?
41
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:53,633
(EXHALES)
42
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:02,702
(SNORTING)
43
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:51,017
Hello, Dwight.
44
00:05:52,218 --> 00:05:53,720
ZACHARY: Hello.
45
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:56,689
KENDALL: (LAUGHING) You found a parking space?
46
00:05:58,224 --> 00:05:59,792
(SNIFFING)
47
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:03,429
(GROANS) What's that... What's that cologne you're wearing?
48
00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:05,832
I hate it!
49
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:08,167
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
50
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,002
ANSWERING MACHINE: Hi, I can't come to the phone right now
51
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:12,405
so please leave a message when you hear the beep.
52
00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:13,573
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
53
00:06:14,841 --> 00:06:17,210
Hi, it's moi.
54
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,913
I am half-way across the Brooklyn Bridge
55
00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:22,682
(SIGHING) and I can't find a parking space.
56
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:23,850
Brooklyn Bridge?
57
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:28,020
Sorry to disappoint you. I'll be faxing you.
58
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:31,057
(CHUCKLING) Kiss, kiss. Dwight?
59
00:06:31,090 --> 00:06:32,024
(KISSING)
60
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,528
Dwight Putnam?
61
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:37,864
Oh, God, please say yes!
62
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:40,366
ZACHARY: Yes. No!
63
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,801
(YELLING)
64
00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:45,905
(EXCLAIMING)
65
00:06:50,309 --> 00:06:51,410
(CLEARING THROAT)
66
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:55,214
If I've caused you distress, madam...
67
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:56,883
Oh.
68
00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:01,954
Pardon my lack of etiquette.
69
00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:07,994
It worked.
70
00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:10,930
(GROANING)
71
00:07:12,398 --> 00:07:14,133
Look into my eyes, madam.
72
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,735
Look into my foot.
73
00:07:24,510 --> 00:07:26,579
Up. Up on your feet. On your feet.
74
00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:28,815
Assume the position,
75
00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:31,050
which I'm sure you do every day!
76
00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:34,153
And don't move or I'll kick your crotch to kingdom come!
77
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:37,089
No, no, no, madam. Egad! You're scary!
78
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:40,693
(EXCLAIMING) Vulgar hussy!
79
00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:43,462
You're clean.
80
00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:44,797
Just a little dusty.
81
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:46,499
How did you get in here?
82
00:07:46,532 --> 00:07:48,835
The usual way.
83
00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:51,170
You've been in here before?
84
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,039
It seems like only yesterday.
85
00:07:57,944 --> 00:07:59,212
What a glow.
86
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,315
(SNIFFING)
87
00:08:02,348 --> 00:08:04,517
I don't smell any oil or gas.
88
00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:06,252
What fuels it, madam?
89
00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:07,453
Money.
90
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:10,223
No! What an advancement!
91
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,960
I'll wager every household has one now.
92
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,662
I should have invested in it.
93
00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:18,531
I always marvel at the changes.
94
00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:24,036
I can't say I marvel at the changes in here, though.
95
00:08:24,070 --> 00:08:25,972
Where... Where's the wall?
96
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:30,142
And why have you blocked in the window?
97
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,384
Oh, my God.
98
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:42,455
What year is it?
99
00:08:42,488 --> 00:08:44,657
Didn't they have calendars in Sing Sing?
100
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:47,693
Madam, please tell me what year it is?
101
00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:49,562
'92. Which '92?
102
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:53,099
Would it 17? Would it 18?
103
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:56,702
It's 1992, isn't it?
104
00:08:57,103 --> 00:08:58,638
Mmm-hmm.
105
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,340
I just wasted a whole century.
106
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,377
I'm bleeding.
107
00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:06,379
You bit me!
108
00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:09,749
I'm so sloppy sometimes. Let me suck it up.
109
00:09:09,782 --> 00:09:11,517
What's your HIV?
110
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:13,519
My HI what?
111
00:09:13,552 --> 00:09:16,489
Sex offenders are supposed to be tested.
112
00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:18,424
I am not a sex offender.
113
00:09:18,457 --> 00:09:19,759
Whatever that may mean.
114
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:21,093
Oh, really.
115
00:09:21,127 --> 00:09:22,528
Then what were you doing on top of me,
116
00:09:22,561 --> 00:09:24,564
picking nap off the blanket?
117
00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:27,266
I have a problem.
118
00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:29,502
I know your problem.
119
00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:33,539
You hate women and you show that hatred by assaulting them.
120
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:37,343
No, no, no, I wouldn't touch women
121
00:09:37,376 --> 00:09:39,345
if I could get it from animals.
122
00:09:39,378 --> 00:09:40,680
Oh...
123
00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:43,249
You are a very sick person.
124
00:09:43,883 --> 00:09:45,318
I'm not sick!
125
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:48,154
I'm dead.
126
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:52,491
Oh, dead.
127
00:09:54,827 --> 00:09:57,029
Well, I'm expecting company momentarily
128
00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:59,565
and I'm sure you've got other assaults to commit.
129
00:09:59,598 --> 00:10:02,268
Are all of today's women as aggressive as you?
130
00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:04,603
Give or take a few balls.
131
00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:06,806
Are they equally as crude?
132
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:08,441
I'm crude?
133
00:10:08,474 --> 00:10:10,242
Get lost, asshole.
134
00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:14,480
I'm going out now.
135
00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:16,749
Until next time, farewell, madam.
136
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:23,823
(CRASHING)
137
00:10:23,856 --> 00:10:24,957
(ZACHARY GROANING)
138
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,795
I got lost.
139
00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:33,966
Where'd you put the door, madam?
140
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,301
Right there.
141
00:10:36,936 --> 00:10:38,671
A stupid place for it.
142
00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:42,908
Please excuse my odd behavior, madam.
143
00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:45,311
And I must say I... I appreciate
144
00:10:45,344 --> 00:10:47,079
your not screaming for the constables.
145
00:10:47,113 --> 00:10:48,414
Constables?
146
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:49,849
I'm not screaming for them
147
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:51,250
because I don't want a cop squad down here
148
00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:53,986
asking me how far the perpetrator penetrated.
149
00:10:54,887 --> 00:10:56,155
I... I must go out now.
150
00:10:56,188 --> 00:10:58,090
I shall return to my coffin before dawn.
151
00:10:58,124 --> 00:10:59,992
You'll need one if you ever show your face around here again.
152
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:02,061
(GROANING)
153
00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:05,197
Don't go out, the sun's come up.
154
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:09,201
I've been more than patient with you.
155
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,504
I cannot expose myself to the rays of the sun, madam.
156
00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:13,339
Go expose yourself somewhere else
157
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:15,241
and may the sun shrivel it.
158
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:18,010
I must get to my crypt.
159
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:19,845
I'll put you in a crypt.
160
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,847
(SCREAMS)
161
00:11:21,881 --> 00:11:24,083
Don't go up there. Get out!
162
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:30,056
I've had it with you, I want you out of here.
163
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:33,993
Get out.
164
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:35,961
I think there's something you should know.
165
00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:38,064
I'm not exactly a man.
166
00:11:38,097 --> 00:11:39,899
Oh, it figures.
167
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:42,134
I am a vampire.
168
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:45,071
Then turn into a bat and fly the hell out of here.
169
00:11:46,772 --> 00:11:48,374
I can't turn into a bat.
170
00:11:48,407 --> 00:11:49,842
Dracula could.
171
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:50,776
Who?
172
00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:53,679
Dracula!
173
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,714
If I should appear to be dead,
174
00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:58,884
please don't panic because I am, sort of.
175
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:00,886
Not.
176
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:09,361
I'll get the police to haul your moldy ass out of here.
177
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:12,531
(SCREAMS) Please don't drive a stake through my heart.
178
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,434
By the way, my name's Zachary Simms. What's yours?
179
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:18,370
I don't give my name to sex offenders, thank you.
180
00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:21,107
At least not yet.
181
00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:23,709
Until sunset tomorrow, madam, ignore me.
182
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:28,681
(GASPS) Get out!
183
00:12:28,714 --> 00:12:30,549
What if I should sleep for another century?
184
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,451
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
185
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:35,521
Madam, if I should not awaken within the next five years
186
00:12:35,554 --> 00:12:37,356
and you have need of this bed,
187
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:40,392
kindly do me the service of opening the secret door behind the fireplace
188
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,195
by pushing the uppermost left hand brick.
189
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:46,465
Carry me down to the crypt, place me in my coffin.
190
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:47,933
Thank you much.
191
00:12:58,477 --> 00:13:00,246
God, you're ice cold.
192
00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:16,495
(GASPS)
193
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,943
KENDALL: "1879? 1888?"
194
00:13:31,844 --> 00:13:33,445
Oh, my God.
195
00:13:42,221 --> 00:13:45,624
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
196
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:53,299
Police department, Sergeant Farfalloni.
197
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:54,867
Talk to me, babe.
198
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:57,536
I've got this thing in my bed.
199
00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:02,308
Hop on, we got a live one.
200
00:14:03,242 --> 00:14:04,376
Get on.
201
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:10,349
So, describe the thing, ma'am.
202
00:14:11,383 --> 00:14:13,552
Well, it's not exactly a man.
203
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,654
Not exactly a man in your bed.
204
00:14:16,722 --> 00:14:18,557
What is it? A gay trucker?
205
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,094
I've never seen anyone so stiff.
206
00:14:23,762 --> 00:14:27,566
Stiff. This calls for my immediate attention.
207
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,136
Apparently, this happens to him every day at sunrise.
208
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:35,507
Well, it's normal for these studs to salute in the morning, toots.
209
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:38,177
Normal? If what he says is true,
210
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,812
this one might last five years.
211
00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:43,882
(LAUGHING) Five years. We'll be right over.
212
00:14:43,916 --> 00:14:47,052
Listen, flatfoot, I think I have a vampire in my bed.
213
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:50,889
Oh, yeah, well, I got a real bloodsucker in mine,
214
00:14:50,923 --> 00:14:52,524
my divorce lawyer.
215
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:00,733
I can handle this.
216
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:05,771
I can handle it.
217
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,315
Transfer all of my calls home.
218
00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:50,649
Going home early?
219
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:53,319
Paula, I've got...
220
00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:55,754
I've got a lot of errands to do and...
221
00:15:57,856 --> 00:15:59,024
Paula...
222
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:03,996
Do you think I'm aggressive and crude?
223
00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,665
No more than any of us. Who told you that?
224
00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:10,302
You're under pressure today. What's up?
225
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,843
I said yes to Dwight and I have a vampire in my bed.
226
00:16:20,212 --> 00:16:23,549
What? You said yes to Dwight?
227
00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:48,741
Hello?
228
00:16:55,381 --> 00:16:56,815
Still in there?
229
00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:22,841
Oh, God.
230
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,510
(SIGHS)
231
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:27,513
Oh.
232
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,018
(GASPS)
233
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,069
(GASPS)
234
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:54,406
Oh, geez.
235
00:18:05,384 --> 00:18:06,485
Kendall?
236
00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:13,659
Kendall?
237
00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:16,995
Kendall?
238
00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:20,499
Kendall?
239
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:39,418
Kendall?
240
00:18:42,688 --> 00:18:43,856
Kendall?
241
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:50,829
Waxing your skis?
242
00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:53,065
(SNIFFING)
243
00:18:53,098 --> 00:18:54,466
(EXCLAIMING)
244
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:07,513
Sorry I kept you up so late.
245
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:11,817
Sorry I disappointed you.
246
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,789
I found a parking space.
247
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,127
And I won't disappoint you now.
248
00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:40,746
(EXCLAIMING)
249
00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:44,082
The touch of you thrills me.
250
00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:54,092
You have never felt so solid!
251
00:19:58,697 --> 00:19:59,865
So firm.
252
00:20:04,836 --> 00:20:06,205
It's like a statue.
253
00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:12,778
(HUMMING)
254
00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:17,282
Oh, Sleeping Beauty,
255
00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:22,387
the prince of perfection will awaken you.
256
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,027
New perfume, huh?
257
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,395
(SNIFFING)
258
00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:33,899
It's kinky. Love it.
259
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:40,872
Teaser... Teaser.
260
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,376
Let it happen.
261
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:49,047
(SCREAMING)
262
00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:54,820
(SPITTING)
263
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,129
That's gross.
264
00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:12,838
(SCREAMS)
265
00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:14,706
Dwight!
266
00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:17,242
Well... Well, where did you come from?
267
00:21:17,275 --> 00:21:18,510
The crypt.
268
00:21:19,177 --> 00:21:21,913
Crypt? You got religion?
269
00:21:23,315 --> 00:21:25,217
To ward off evil spirits.
270
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:27,753
You... I need a drink.
271
00:21:29,321 --> 00:21:31,290
But why are you undressed?
272
00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:37,829
I thought I was making love to you
273
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:40,632
and all the time it was him.
274
00:21:42,534 --> 00:21:43,802
How was he?
275
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:47,406
It was like kissing a dead fish.
276
00:21:47,439 --> 00:21:48,373
Bat.
277
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:54,479
Who is he and why is he in your bed?
278
00:21:54,513 --> 00:21:57,683
I am about to tell you the most fantastic story.
279
00:21:57,716 --> 00:21:58,984
I bet you are.
280
00:21:59,017 --> 00:22:01,119
His name is Zachary Simms and I'm...
281
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:02,654
What went on here?
282
00:22:02,688 --> 00:22:05,691
I'm about to give you a blow by blow description.
283
00:22:05,724 --> 00:22:07,025
Oh, no.
284
00:22:08,694 --> 00:22:10,295
I did everything I knew to him.
285
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,863
Oh!
286
00:22:11,897 --> 00:22:14,700
Even a couple of things I didn't even know I was capable of.
287
00:22:14,733 --> 00:22:16,668
Oh, God!
288
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,006
What's that?
289
00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:22,708
He goes for the neck.
290
00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:24,643
A neck man.
291
00:22:25,877 --> 00:22:28,080
I think I can handle him on my own.
292
00:22:30,315 --> 00:22:34,052
But, if things get too complicated,
293
00:22:34,086 --> 00:22:37,389
I may need you to get involved.
294
00:22:41,426 --> 00:22:43,495
Get involved?
295
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:44,529
Yeah.
296
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,103
How dare you make such a suggestion.
297
00:22:52,104 --> 00:22:54,172
How dare you betray me.
298
00:22:55,774 --> 00:22:58,043
Betray you?
299
00:22:58,076 --> 00:23:01,847
Twelve hours after agreeing to marry me,
300
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:05,851
I find you humping some sado-maso creep.
301
00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:08,353
Humping? Humping? There was no humping going on.
302
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,389
He was trying to suck my... Stop!
303
00:23:13,925 --> 00:23:15,160
Come outside, you bastard,
304
00:23:15,193 --> 00:23:17,362
I'm gonna beat you within an inch of your life.
305
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:18,830
Oh, my God, he weighs a ton.
306
00:23:18,864 --> 00:23:20,399
Don't. You'll desecrate him.
307
00:23:20,432 --> 00:23:23,502
Desecrate? Oh, I'll desecrate him.
308
00:23:23,535 --> 00:23:25,270
Next time I run into you, buddy,
309
00:23:25,303 --> 00:23:27,239
your life won't be worth a dime.
310
00:23:27,272 --> 00:23:29,007
I am so disgusted with you.
311
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,776
I'm talking about a miracle
312
00:23:30,809 --> 00:23:33,612
and you're disgusted with me? Get out.
313
00:23:33,645 --> 00:23:35,514
I want you out.
314
00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:37,215
Disgusted... Disgusted... Out! Out! Out!
315
00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:41,920
This destroys our marriage plans.
316
00:23:41,953 --> 00:23:45,857
Correction, this threatens to destroy our marriage plans.
317
00:23:45,891 --> 00:23:48,527
Correction. Has destroyed.
318
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,362
But aren't we goin' to Paula's party tonight?
319
00:23:50,395 --> 00:23:54,032
No! I mean yes. I mean, not going.
320
00:23:54,065 --> 00:23:55,901
Out! Out! I got to go, I got to...
321
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:57,469
DWIGHT: Whoa!
322
00:24:00,438 --> 00:24:01,640
(SIGHS)
323
00:24:04,142 --> 00:24:07,145
Count Simms, it's sundown.
324
00:24:08,447 --> 00:24:09,614
Twilight.
325
00:24:13,084 --> 00:24:14,119
Dusk.
326
00:24:24,162 --> 00:24:25,297
(YELPS)
327
00:24:28,033 --> 00:24:29,334
(GRUNTING)
328
00:24:31,703 --> 00:24:33,705
You didn't tell me your name.
329
00:24:34,472 --> 00:24:36,308
Kendall, Kendall Gordon.
330
00:24:37,943 --> 00:24:41,012
Flowers? You were having a service for me.
331
00:24:41,046 --> 00:24:42,547
How depressing.
332
00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:45,851
Oh.
333
00:24:45,884 --> 00:24:49,254
Well, my research said I wouldn't see your reflection in the mirror.
334
00:24:49,287 --> 00:24:51,189
I am a vampire. Not a ghost.
335
00:24:52,891 --> 00:24:55,827
Was I dreaming or is it incredibly noisy in here?
336
00:24:57,529 --> 00:24:59,197
That was Dwight.
337
00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:01,132
Oh, did he see me?
338
00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,802
See you? He tried to go all the way with you.
339
00:25:05,871 --> 00:25:08,106
Does he know what I am?
340
00:25:08,139 --> 00:25:11,243
Well, he thinks that... Never mind.
341
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:14,179
Is he your husband?
342
00:25:14,212 --> 00:25:15,514
No.
343
00:25:15,547 --> 00:25:18,550
Do you have a husband who may turn up at any moment?
344
00:25:19,751 --> 00:25:21,820
I had one that never showed up.
345
00:25:22,387 --> 00:25:23,722
I'm divorced.
346
00:25:24,923 --> 00:25:26,057
Divorced?
347
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:32,597
You're the first divorced person I've met.
348
00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:35,567
How do you bear the disgrace?
349
00:25:36,401 --> 00:25:38,336
Disgrace?
350
00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:41,206
My divorce was one of the best moves I ever made.
351
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:47,212
Wait.
352
00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:51,349
Are we still in 1992?
353
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:54,386
Yes. Well, you've only been dead 12 hours this time.
354
00:25:58,590 --> 00:26:00,091
Would you like some coffee?
355
00:26:00,125 --> 00:26:01,626
Thank you, no.
356
00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:10,702
How about some oat bran?
357
00:26:10,735 --> 00:26:12,938
I'm a vampire, madam, not a horse.
358
00:26:13,605 --> 00:26:14,973
I don't eat.
359
00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:17,242
What's this?
360
00:26:17,275 --> 00:26:18,877
Oh, you walk on it.
361
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:25,450
Would you like to use the bathroom?
362
00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:27,953
Out house plumbing?
363
00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:31,856
Well, I am dying,
364
00:26:31,890 --> 00:26:34,726
bursting to find out more about your past life.
365
00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:37,395
That's dull.
366
00:26:38,730 --> 00:26:41,433
I was born in England in 1660.
367
00:26:41,466 --> 00:26:43,768
And came to Boston when I was 15 years of age.
368
00:26:43,802 --> 00:26:45,804
Oh.
369
00:26:45,837 --> 00:26:49,641
Well, do you come from a long line of bats?
370
00:26:49,674 --> 00:26:53,311
There are no bats hanging from my family tree, madam!
371
00:26:53,345 --> 00:26:56,414
Remember vampires are not born, they're bitten.
372
00:26:56,448 --> 00:26:57,749
You bit me,
373
00:26:57,782 --> 00:27:00,552
does that mean I'm gonna turn into a vampire?
374
00:27:00,585 --> 00:27:03,288
One tiny bite. I'd have to nip you regularly.
375
00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:06,491
Well, who nipped you regularly?
376
00:27:09,694 --> 00:27:11,363
Her name was Nerissa.
377
00:27:14,199 --> 00:27:18,436
I met her in 1688 at a Governor's Ball during a minuet.
378
00:27:20,538 --> 00:27:22,374
I can still hear the music.
379
00:27:25,610 --> 00:27:28,546
She wore this beautiful black swirling gown.
380
00:27:31,883 --> 00:27:33,284
Eyes like fire.
381
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:37,522
Danced till dawn, fell in love.
382
00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:43,128
She transformed me.
383
00:27:44,863 --> 00:27:48,166
We were together a hundred years.
384
00:27:48,199 --> 00:27:51,836
That's approximately the most beautiful love story I ever heard.
385
00:27:52,537 --> 00:27:55,540
So, where's Nerissa now?
386
00:27:55,573 --> 00:27:58,843
She bit a congressman and acquired a taste for politics.
387
00:28:00,211 --> 00:28:02,447
I woke up one sunset,
388
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:04,382
she and her coffin were gone.
389
00:28:05,717 --> 00:28:07,218
I was shattered.
390
00:28:09,154 --> 00:28:11,990
I just jumped into my box and slammed the lid.
391
00:28:13,425 --> 00:28:16,828
It's Romeo and Juliet, monster-style.
392
00:28:19,764 --> 00:28:22,700
I searched Washington, everywhere, in the 1800s.
393
00:28:24,335 --> 00:28:27,172
If she wanted me, she knew where to find me.
394
00:28:27,205 --> 00:28:28,840
God knows I was in.
395
00:28:29,941 --> 00:28:31,509
What now?
396
00:28:31,543 --> 00:28:34,446
I get to venture out and see what's new before I
397
00:28:35,513 --> 00:28:37,082
slam the lid again.
398
00:28:37,115 --> 00:28:39,551
And the air must reek of horse manure.
399
00:28:43,221 --> 00:28:44,889
Good heavens, what are they?
400
00:28:44,923 --> 00:28:46,357
(HORNS HONKING)
401
00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:49,127
Cars, automobiles, junk heaps.
402
00:28:50,695 --> 00:28:54,599
Cars, automobiles, junk heaps.
403
00:28:55,300 --> 00:28:56,401
(ZACHARY SNIFFING)
404
00:28:56,434 --> 00:28:57,469
They smell great.
405
00:28:59,404 --> 00:29:00,505
At least with horse manure
406
00:29:00,538 --> 00:29:03,007
you knew what you were inhaling.
407
00:29:03,041 --> 00:29:04,576
(LAUGHS)
408
00:29:08,379 --> 00:29:09,547
Look!
409
00:29:10,482 --> 00:29:12,650
KENDALL: Look out! Whoa!
410
00:29:15,987 --> 00:29:18,189
Do they run on money, too?
411
00:29:18,223 --> 00:29:19,157
You bet on it.
412
00:29:32,237 --> 00:29:36,541
♪ I find you attractive
413
00:29:36,574 --> 00:29:40,278
♪ It's a chemical thing Radioactive
414
00:29:41,746 --> 00:29:43,081
Look at that. That...
415
00:29:44,182 --> 00:29:46,017
(ZACHARY LAUGHS)
416
00:29:47,152 --> 00:29:49,387
(HONKING)
417
00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,990
♪ But I knew you were the one
418
00:29:52,023 --> 00:29:55,994
♪ Right from the start, baby
419
00:29:58,196 --> 00:30:00,865
Would you like to go to a party with me?
420
00:30:05,770 --> 00:30:09,107
ZACHARY: You must be the happiest people in the history of the world.
421
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:12,043
KENDALL: Absolutely. Define happy.
422
00:30:14,179 --> 00:30:16,080
Kendall. Where's...
423
00:30:16,114 --> 00:30:18,716
Paula, this is Zachary, he's an old friend.
424
00:30:19,951 --> 00:30:21,052
Very old.
425
00:30:22,020 --> 00:30:23,988
Hello, Zachary.
426
00:30:24,022 --> 00:30:27,158
Hello, Paula, I'm very happy to make your acquaintance.
427
00:30:27,192 --> 00:30:29,327
What, do you work for Haagen-Dazs?
428
00:30:29,694 --> 00:30:30,995
Do I?
429
00:30:31,029 --> 00:30:32,363
No. No.
430
00:30:33,698 --> 00:30:36,134
Are you wearing contacts?
431
00:30:36,167 --> 00:30:37,235
Am I? No.
432
00:30:40,638 --> 00:30:41,873
Great eyes.
433
00:30:44,075 --> 00:30:46,277
What, did you fall out of bed?
434
00:30:46,311 --> 00:30:48,213
She didn't, I did.
435
00:30:49,847 --> 00:30:50,982
Come on.
436
00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:54,819
First you say yes to Dwight,
437
00:30:54,852 --> 00:30:56,454
then you show up with this hunkmeister.
438
00:30:56,487 --> 00:30:58,823
Well, who is he? What are you up to? I love it.
439
00:31:00,325 --> 00:31:02,393
I have got so much to tell you.
440
00:31:03,761 --> 00:31:05,263
I can't tell you.
441
00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:09,634
♪ I wanna feel good, just stay tonight
442
00:31:09,667 --> 00:31:13,705
♪ You know you really turn me on to the night heat ♪
443
00:31:23,781 --> 00:31:25,950
No, no, no, it's okay. It's okay.
444
00:31:27,252 --> 00:31:28,519
Thank you.
445
00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:33,758
Paula, this is a wonderful place.
446
00:31:33,791 --> 00:31:36,327
It's amazing what alimony can buy.
447
00:31:36,361 --> 00:31:37,528
Alimony?
448
00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:40,531
It's a side effect of divorce.
449
00:31:40,565 --> 00:31:44,235
Do you know you're the second divorced person I've met?
450
00:31:44,269 --> 00:31:47,238
Paula, excuse us, I want to show Zachary around.
451
00:31:47,272 --> 00:31:49,274
ZACHARY: Why are you pushing me?
452
00:31:49,307 --> 00:31:51,643
Hi. This is Zachary.
453
00:31:52,543 --> 00:31:53,911
How do you do?
454
00:31:54,879 --> 00:31:56,914
I work for Haagen-Dazs.
455
00:31:56,948 --> 00:31:58,683
Hi, Jackie.
456
00:31:58,716 --> 00:32:01,853
Hi, Kendall. Nice to see you. Hello, Zachary.
457
00:32:01,886 --> 00:32:04,022
How do you do?
458
00:32:04,055 --> 00:32:06,691
God, his hands are freezing. I work for Haagen-Dazs.
459
00:32:06,724 --> 00:32:08,693
Hi, I'm Hazel.
460
00:32:08,726 --> 00:32:12,130
Hello, Hazel. I work for Haagen-Dazs.
461
00:32:17,402 --> 00:32:20,972
So the husband says, "Of course I believe you
462
00:32:21,005 --> 00:32:23,741
"but what's that giraffe doin' in our bed?"
463
00:32:27,745 --> 00:32:30,481
They're not still telling that one, are they?
464
00:32:31,683 --> 00:32:33,151
Did you hear the latest one?
465
00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:34,452
What's the difference between
466
00:32:34,485 --> 00:32:37,789
Abraham Lincoln's beard and Robert E. Lee's wife?
467
00:32:37,822 --> 00:32:39,090
What?
468
00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:41,326
They both leave you with a rather nasty... Zachary!
469
00:32:41,359 --> 00:32:43,594
(ARE YOU READY TO BE LOVED FOREVER PLAYING)
470
00:32:51,703 --> 00:32:55,940
♪ Watching you mesmerize me
471
00:32:55,973 --> 00:32:59,811
♪ Something strange is going on inside me
472
00:32:59,844 --> 00:33:04,015
♪ What you do sets in motion
473
00:33:04,048 --> 00:33:08,152
♪ A chain reaction like the ripples in an ocean
474
00:33:08,186 --> 00:33:13,358
♪ Somehow we met somewhere in time
475
00:33:16,294 --> 00:33:21,666
♪ I felt the hand of fate in mine
476
00:33:21,699 --> 00:33:24,435
♪ Hand in mine
477
00:33:24,469 --> 00:33:28,439
♪ Are you ready to be loved forever?
478
00:33:28,473 --> 00:33:32,510
♪ That's how long we're going to be together
479
00:33:32,543 --> 00:33:36,614
♪ Every night it's gonna just get better
480
00:33:36,647 --> 00:33:40,551
♪ Are you ready to be loved forever?
481
00:33:40,585 --> 00:33:44,789
♪ It's a chance we'll be taking
482
00:33:44,822 --> 00:33:48,726
♪ Knowing rules were only made for breaking
483
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:52,797
♪ And if friends say I'm crazy
484
00:33:52,830 --> 00:33:56,901
♪ It's just they haven't felt the way your lips amaze me
485
00:33:56,934 --> 00:34:01,773
♪ Some things were always meant to be
486
00:34:05,209 --> 00:34:10,548
♪ It's time you bet your heart on me... ♪
487
00:34:10,581 --> 00:34:11,749
(CLASSICAL MINUET MUSIC PLAYING)
488
00:34:45,883 --> 00:34:50,121
ZACHARY: Wow, look how incredibly beautiful Manhattan is.
489
00:34:50,154 --> 00:34:53,124
It's like another world, used to be a swamp.
490
00:34:53,157 --> 00:34:54,892
KENDALL: It still is.
491
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,236
My neck is starting to itch
492
00:35:05,269 --> 00:35:08,239
so I think I'm gonna go and take this off.
493
00:35:10,241 --> 00:35:11,576
Will you be okay here?
494
00:35:11,609 --> 00:35:12,677
Mmm-hmm.
495
00:35:14,312 --> 00:35:15,346
Okay.
496
00:35:16,314 --> 00:35:17,515
Kendall...
497
00:35:18,816 --> 00:35:20,818
Kendall, thanks for bringing me.
498
00:35:20,852 --> 00:35:22,787
I'm having a wonderful time.
499
00:35:23,654 --> 00:35:26,858
And thanks for trusting me.
500
00:35:30,027 --> 00:35:31,028
Sure.
501
00:35:36,267 --> 00:35:37,602
(EXCLAIMS IN AMAZEMENT)
502
00:35:43,040 --> 00:35:45,009
(LAUGHING)
503
00:35:45,042 --> 00:35:46,177
Hello.
504
00:35:47,044 --> 00:35:48,513
Oh. Hello.
505
00:35:51,616 --> 00:35:53,251
I've never been so high.
506
00:35:53,284 --> 00:35:57,288
I knew it by the way you danced. What are you on?
507
00:35:57,321 --> 00:35:59,757
Oh, I'm on a sort of
508
00:35:59,790 --> 00:36:02,360
trip through what used to be the future.
509
00:36:04,529 --> 00:36:07,665
Tell me a... Have you been divorced?
510
00:36:07,698 --> 00:36:09,467
Three times!
511
00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:10,368
(LAUGHING)
512
00:36:11,302 --> 00:36:13,004
My poor girl.
513
00:36:13,037 --> 00:36:14,505
How's your alimony?
514
00:36:14,539 --> 00:36:16,674
None of 'em had a dime.
515
00:36:16,707 --> 00:36:18,242
(LAUGHING)
516
00:36:19,577 --> 00:36:21,646
Could I try whatever you're on?
517
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:26,484
Oh, what a beautiful mole on your throat.
518
00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:27,718
Thank you.
519
00:36:29,086 --> 00:36:30,521
If you'd like two more like that,
520
00:36:30,555 --> 00:36:33,090
I suggest you look into my eyes, madam.
521
00:36:43,868 --> 00:36:45,970
I would have brought you a drink.
522
00:36:46,003 --> 00:36:48,739
Oh, shit! What, are you crazy?
523
00:36:48,773 --> 00:36:51,042
Un-fang. Somebody's gonna see you.
524
00:36:51,909 --> 00:36:54,011
Oh, God, what's your HIV?
525
00:36:54,045 --> 00:36:56,347
Negative.
526
00:36:56,380 --> 00:37:00,084
I don't know whether I'm witnessing a phenomenon or a felony?
527
00:37:00,117 --> 00:37:01,519
(MOANING)
528
00:37:03,588 --> 00:37:05,690
The midnight snack is over.
529
00:37:07,592 --> 00:37:09,594
You have an excellent pumper, madam.
530
00:37:09,627 --> 00:37:11,996
Oh, so do you.
531
00:37:12,029 --> 00:37:14,165
Have a cookie and a glass of apple juice.
532
00:37:14,198 --> 00:37:17,001
And don't do sex for five hours. Okay.
533
00:37:17,034 --> 00:37:18,836
I don't usually like the taste of blood,
534
00:37:18,869 --> 00:37:20,571
but hers is so flavorsome.
535
00:37:20,605 --> 00:37:23,140
It's her high cholesterol that spikes it.
536
00:37:25,443 --> 00:37:28,279
You saw what I have to do and it disgusts you, doesn't it?
537
00:37:28,312 --> 00:37:29,280
No.
538
00:37:30,548 --> 00:37:31,482
No.
539
00:37:33,417 --> 00:37:36,821
It's that just a... Well, I almost forgot what you are.
540
00:37:58,509 --> 00:38:02,113
(SIGHING)
541
00:38:02,146 --> 00:38:04,315
ZACHARY: I hate this non-existence of mine.
542
00:38:04,348 --> 00:38:06,617
This not being a part of anything.
543
00:38:07,852 --> 00:38:10,521
KENDALL: But you're part of the supernatural.
544
00:38:11,856 --> 00:38:15,826
To me, this is the supernatural.
545
00:38:17,828 --> 00:38:19,930
CAR ALARM: You are too close to the car.
546
00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:21,499
Please, step away from the car. Who said that?
547
00:38:21,532 --> 00:38:24,001
(LAUGHS) It's only the car.
548
00:38:24,035 --> 00:38:26,570
Only the car?
549
00:38:26,604 --> 00:38:28,673
CAR ALARM: You are too close to the car.
550
00:38:28,706 --> 00:38:30,541
Please, step away from the car.
551
00:38:31,709 --> 00:38:34,645
Oh, I wanna drive one of these.
552
00:38:35,546 --> 00:38:37,281
I wanna... I want to laugh.
553
00:38:37,314 --> 00:38:39,684
I want to dance. I wanna have babies.
554
00:38:40,518 --> 00:38:42,653
You can have babies?
555
00:38:42,687 --> 00:38:45,189
No, no. Just the sperm part.
556
00:38:47,358 --> 00:38:50,628
If ever there was a time that's right for me...
557
00:38:50,661 --> 00:38:53,297
(ALARM BLARING)
558
00:38:57,702 --> 00:38:59,470
(LAUGHING)
559
00:39:03,641 --> 00:39:06,544
ZACHARY: You are too close to the dishwasher.
560
00:39:08,479 --> 00:39:12,983
Step away from dishwasher or will crush your cup.
561
00:39:24,729 --> 00:39:27,198
You are too close to the...
562
00:39:27,231 --> 00:39:28,666
What am I too close to?
563
00:39:28,699 --> 00:39:30,401
A refrigerator.
564
00:39:30,434 --> 00:39:32,169
Refrigerator.
565
00:39:32,203 --> 00:39:34,572
You are too close to the refrigerator.
566
00:39:34,605 --> 00:39:35,873
Step away...
567
00:39:37,007 --> 00:39:38,375
(SIGHING)
568
00:39:45,850 --> 00:39:47,718
I want to be alive again.
569
00:39:51,922 --> 00:39:55,726
There actually is a way of transforming me back into a human being.
570
00:39:57,361 --> 00:39:59,897
But if you become a human again...
571
00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,568
Oh, I don't know how to put this delicately.
572
00:40:05,703 --> 00:40:07,671
Won't you eventually...
573
00:40:07,705 --> 00:40:08,806
Croak?
574
00:40:14,945 --> 00:40:18,215
Simply put, my digestive system must be revived.
575
00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:20,818
It takes one year.
576
00:40:22,319 --> 00:40:24,789
And I shall do it here, in my own home.
577
00:40:25,890 --> 00:40:28,559
This is my house, my mortgage.
578
00:40:29,660 --> 00:40:31,762
You must not have paid your taxes.
579
00:40:31,796 --> 00:40:34,698
Go bite Internal Revenue.
580
00:40:34,732 --> 00:40:37,701
But the only access to my crypt is through my...
581
00:40:37,735 --> 00:40:40,404
Your... Our fireplace.
582
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,976
I want my life back.
583
00:40:58,355 --> 00:40:59,924
Zachary?
584
00:40:59,957 --> 00:41:03,961
Kendall, you are the brightest woman I have ever bitten.
585
00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:07,698
You're the only one I can trust.
586
00:41:09,166 --> 00:41:12,703
Please, help me become a human being again.
587
00:41:14,205 --> 00:41:17,007
Well, I don't know if I'm qualified.
588
00:41:17,041 --> 00:41:19,710
I learn fast. I'll do anything you tell me.
589
00:41:21,178 --> 00:41:22,947
I won't make mistakes.
590
00:41:23,681 --> 00:41:26,050
I'll be perfect.
591
00:41:28,853 --> 00:41:29,987
Perfect?
592
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,300
There'll be expenses.
593
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:47,204
I'll get a job. I'll mop floors. I'll wait tables.
594
00:41:47,238 --> 00:41:48,973
I'll even shovel horse manure.
595
00:41:49,006 --> 00:41:51,075
(LAUGHS) There's bound to be a pile of it somewhere.
596
00:41:52,243 --> 00:41:53,310
(SIGHING)
597
00:41:53,344 --> 00:41:56,747
I'll do anything to become human again.
598
00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:01,986
Kendall, I place myself in your hands.
599
00:42:13,030 --> 00:42:14,531
Let's go for it.
600
00:42:15,599 --> 00:42:17,201
You're wonderful!
601
00:42:27,778 --> 00:42:30,214
God, I wish I'd met you 300 years ago.
602
00:42:33,050 --> 00:42:34,184
So do I.
603
00:42:38,555 --> 00:42:40,391
What the hell am I saying?
604
00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:46,230
I haven't slept in 48 hours, my sleep cycle's screwed.
605
00:42:49,867 --> 00:42:50,901
Sorry.
606
00:42:53,537 --> 00:42:55,706
I can't wait to see you tomorrow.
607
00:43:18,062 --> 00:43:21,098
I don't understand. Who is this Zachary?
608
00:43:22,132 --> 00:43:25,035
I'd rather not discuss him.
609
00:43:25,069 --> 00:43:26,537
Can you give me some kind of time frame
610
00:43:26,570 --> 00:43:28,105
when you'll come to your senses
611
00:43:28,138 --> 00:43:30,908
and this relationship with this individual will peter out?
612
00:43:30,941 --> 00:43:33,577
I don't believe in time frames anymore.
613
00:43:33,611 --> 00:43:34,578
Bye.
614
00:43:36,013 --> 00:43:37,081
But...
615
00:43:42,353 --> 00:43:44,421
She won't drop you a clue, huh?
616
00:43:45,155 --> 00:43:47,891
No, Mr. Helsting.
617
00:43:47,925 --> 00:43:49,626
Call me Vinnie.
618
00:43:49,660 --> 00:43:52,429
Sounds to me like this bozo has moved in on her.
619
00:43:53,530 --> 00:43:55,199
He is not her type.
620
00:43:56,533 --> 00:43:58,702
He's a neck man. Oh.
621
00:43:59,503 --> 00:44:02,306
He's got her so perverted
622
00:44:02,339 --> 00:44:05,109
that she wanted to talk about a threesome.
623
00:44:05,142 --> 00:44:06,176
Geez!
624
00:44:06,210 --> 00:44:07,678
She talked about oral...
625
00:44:07,711 --> 00:44:10,180
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
626
00:44:10,214 --> 00:44:13,651
Yeah, dames always drop their drawers for divers like that.
627
00:44:13,684 --> 00:44:16,020
I've seen it happen time after time.
628
00:44:16,854 --> 00:44:18,822
All right, all right.
629
00:44:18,856 --> 00:44:20,324
Zachary Simms.
630
00:44:22,359 --> 00:44:23,660
Neck man...
631
00:44:25,295 --> 00:44:26,630
Oral artist... Oral.
632
00:44:28,699 --> 00:44:30,000
All right.
633
00:44:32,469 --> 00:44:34,138
I'm gonna nail him.
634
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:38,776
Oh, boy, am I gonna nail him.
635
00:44:38,809 --> 00:44:41,145
I'm gonna nail him with a nail.
636
00:44:41,178 --> 00:44:43,047
(SWEEDLE DEE DEET PLAYING)
637
00:44:51,522 --> 00:44:53,657
♪ Sweedle dee deet ♪ Sweedle dee deet
638
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:55,893
♪ You sure look sweet ♪ You sure look sweet
639
00:44:55,926 --> 00:45:00,798
♪ You'll take me, come on, let's go and declare it
640
00:45:00,831 --> 00:45:02,633
♪ Sweedle dee deet ♪ Sweedle dee deet
641
00:45:02,666 --> 00:45:05,002
♪ Now get out of your seat ♪ Now get out of your seat
642
00:45:05,035 --> 00:45:07,204
♪ Just enough attention
643
00:45:07,237 --> 00:45:10,174
♪ Sweedle dee deet Sweedle dee deet with me
644
00:45:13,343 --> 00:45:16,680
♪ Come along with me
645
00:45:16,713 --> 00:45:19,216
♪ We can dance all night
646
00:45:19,249 --> 00:45:20,117
(YELPS)
647
00:45:21,218 --> 00:45:22,886
What's all the noise?
648
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:24,721
Sorry. It's almost sunset.
649
00:45:27,091 --> 00:45:28,759
The cobwebs are gone.
650
00:45:29,626 --> 00:45:31,228
They were hundreds of years old.
651
00:45:31,261 --> 00:45:32,863
The spiders will have a fit.
652
00:45:43,907 --> 00:45:45,375
What's that? Milk.
653
00:45:46,710 --> 00:45:48,512
I remember milk.
654
00:45:48,545 --> 00:45:49,713
Come on.
655
00:45:51,048 --> 00:45:52,216
Come on.
656
00:45:57,421 --> 00:45:58,689
You're trying to kill me.
657
00:45:58,722 --> 00:46:01,258
I am trying to jump start your digestive system.
658
00:46:02,759 --> 00:46:03,927
Come on.
659
00:46:07,397 --> 00:46:08,565
(EXHALES)
660
00:46:08,599 --> 00:46:09,800
How do you feel?
661
00:46:09,833 --> 00:46:11,001
(BURPING)
662
00:46:13,303 --> 00:46:15,072
Have you got anything red?
663
00:46:23,313 --> 00:46:24,715
(PANTING)
664
00:46:24,748 --> 00:46:26,116
Are you okay?
665
00:46:27,251 --> 00:46:29,153
I think you need some rest.
666
00:46:32,489 --> 00:46:34,191
Let me check your pulse.
667
00:46:35,926 --> 00:46:38,962
Hey, where is your pulse?
668
00:46:40,364 --> 00:46:42,499
I had it when I came out earlier.
669
00:46:43,767 --> 00:46:46,470
Your pupils are dilated.
670
00:46:49,373 --> 00:46:51,341
Everything's dilated, madam.
671
00:46:55,179 --> 00:46:56,713
KENDALL: Zachary!
672
00:46:59,016 --> 00:47:00,184
Zachary!
673
00:47:03,720 --> 00:47:04,955
Oh, geez.
674
00:47:09,860 --> 00:47:11,161
Jog-dancing.
675
00:47:13,230 --> 00:47:14,531
Jog-dancing.
676
00:47:45,662 --> 00:47:47,331
I don't think I'm ready for this.
677
00:47:47,364 --> 00:47:48,899
I think you are. No.
678
00:47:48,932 --> 00:47:50,234
Yes. No.
679
00:47:50,267 --> 00:47:51,401
Yes. No.
680
00:47:51,435 --> 00:47:53,170
Yes. No.
681
00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:54,238
Yes. No.
682
00:47:54,271 --> 00:47:56,206
Yes, yes, yes. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) No.
683
00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,075
No, no. Yes.
684
00:47:59,776 --> 00:48:01,612
No. Come on.
685
00:48:07,417 --> 00:48:09,753
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
686
00:48:09,786 --> 00:48:13,190
ZACHARY ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello, I can't come to the phone at the moment, I'm dead.
687
00:48:13,223 --> 00:48:15,025
(MACHINE BEEPS)
688
00:48:15,058 --> 00:48:17,227
KENDALL: Zachary, change that message.
689
00:48:18,228 --> 00:48:20,364
Listen, I'm working late tonight,
690
00:48:20,397 --> 00:48:23,901
so take your temperature and your blood pressure and meet me at 7:00.
691
00:48:25,869 --> 00:48:27,204
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
692
00:48:27,237 --> 00:48:29,072
Easy. Do it easy.
693
00:48:29,106 --> 00:48:31,041
Okay, now just a little bit of gas.
694
00:48:36,380 --> 00:48:38,181
This guy's gotta be from New Jersey or something.
695
00:48:38,215 --> 00:48:40,117
Nobody drives any worse than that.
696
00:48:40,951 --> 00:48:42,052
(DOOR OPENS)
697
00:48:42,085 --> 00:48:43,587
DWIGHT: Kendall...
698
00:48:45,222 --> 00:48:46,423
(DOOR CLOSES)
699
00:48:46,456 --> 00:48:47,724
Kendall...
700
00:48:50,794 --> 00:48:51,895
Anyone?
701
00:48:54,564 --> 00:48:55,732
Kendall...
702
00:48:58,468 --> 00:48:59,569
Hello...
703
00:49:04,074 --> 00:49:05,342
Kendall?
704
00:49:08,412 --> 00:49:10,247
Anybody?
705
00:49:13,450 --> 00:49:14,751
What's his name?
706
00:49:32,536 --> 00:49:34,037
(GASPS) Knock-knock!
707
00:49:35,539 --> 00:49:37,607
I'm terribly sorry.
708
00:49:37,641 --> 00:49:41,111
I keep telling myself not to come up on people from behind.
709
00:49:42,546 --> 00:49:46,183
Is this your campsite?
710
00:49:46,216 --> 00:49:51,321
(STAMMERS) No. I just came by to return something.
711
00:49:51,355 --> 00:49:55,826
Oh. Is there a Zachary Simms hanging out here?
712
00:49:55,859 --> 00:49:57,928
There is.
713
00:49:57,961 --> 00:50:02,833
Uh, I met him once, he wouldn't remember me, I hope.
714
00:50:02,866 --> 00:50:06,670
Ah, I don't know where he's hanging out right now.
715
00:50:06,703 --> 00:50:09,539
That's okay, I know where to look.
716
00:50:12,676 --> 00:50:14,544
I'm Dwight Putnam.
717
00:50:16,012 --> 00:50:18,548
Putnam. Putnam.
718
00:50:20,017 --> 00:50:21,385
Are you in politics?
719
00:50:21,918 --> 00:50:23,153
(LAUGHS)
720
00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:24,988
Please!
721
00:50:25,021 --> 00:50:26,423
And you are?
722
00:50:27,524 --> 00:50:28,859
Nerissa.
723
00:50:30,527 --> 00:50:34,464
Nerissa. N-e-r-i-s-s-a?
724
00:50:34,498 --> 00:50:37,033
Hmm. What an unusual name.
725
00:50:37,067 --> 00:50:38,869
I'm an unusual girl.
726
00:50:40,037 --> 00:50:41,872
Your hands are freezing!
727
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:46,376
They were dangling outside the taxicab window.
728
00:50:47,911 --> 00:50:49,046
So...
729
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:54,117
What are you to Zachary?
730
00:50:55,552 --> 00:50:59,189
Oh, we cut a couple of crazy capers in Cape Cod.
731
00:50:59,222 --> 00:51:02,259
I would love to hear about them.
732
00:51:02,292 --> 00:51:04,127
Want something to drink?
733
00:51:08,064 --> 00:51:10,634
(EXCLAIMS) If you insist.
734
00:51:12,369 --> 00:51:14,504
Oh!
735
00:51:14,538 --> 00:51:17,874
I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.
736
00:51:17,908 --> 00:51:20,243
Are you by any chance wearing boxers?
737
00:51:20,277 --> 00:51:22,279
Uh-huh. Well, that must be it.
738
00:51:23,547 --> 00:51:25,415
You're very uninhibited.
739
00:51:25,449 --> 00:51:27,484
You can't afford to be a wallflower.
740
00:51:30,053 --> 00:51:31,254
(COUGHS)
741
00:51:31,288 --> 00:51:34,724
Here's my 24-hour 800 number.
742
00:51:34,758 --> 00:51:37,527
From sundown to sunrise, ring my beeper.
743
00:51:37,561 --> 00:51:40,063
So, uh,
744
00:51:40,096 --> 00:51:44,534
tell me about those crazy capers.
745
00:51:44,568 --> 00:51:48,705
I'm sure Kendall won't mind if I open the bar
746
00:51:48,738 --> 00:51:51,341
(LAUGHS) for an old friend of Zachary's.
747
00:51:52,409 --> 00:51:54,478
What'll you have?
748
00:51:54,511 --> 00:51:56,746
(CHUCKLES) Uh, a zombie.
749
00:51:58,115 --> 00:52:01,718
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) A zombie?
750
00:52:01,751 --> 00:52:05,122
A zombie you want, a zombie you'll get. I love challenges.
751
00:52:05,155 --> 00:52:06,890
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
752
00:52:06,923 --> 00:52:10,660
Zombie, with a "z." Ah-ha!
753
00:52:10,694 --> 00:52:12,829
(CHUCKLING) Zombie!
754
00:52:12,863 --> 00:52:15,065
(EXCLAIMS) There's a lot of ingredients here.
755
00:52:15,098 --> 00:52:16,500
(CHUCKLES)
756
00:52:16,533 --> 00:52:19,669
Okay. Well, I am dying to hear about all the fun
757
00:52:19,703 --> 00:52:22,239
you and zany Zachary had!
758
00:52:22,272 --> 00:52:25,642
Well, one Halloween night...
759
00:52:25,675 --> 00:52:27,210
What are you doing?
760
00:52:29,179 --> 00:52:31,248
Well, I was looking for the ladies room.
761
00:52:31,281 --> 00:52:33,250
In the fireplace?
762
00:52:33,283 --> 00:52:36,686
That's the way we put the fires out in the old days.
763
00:52:36,720 --> 00:52:38,455
John's over there.
764
00:52:39,523 --> 00:52:41,791
So, the Halloween story.
765
00:52:41,825 --> 00:52:45,128
Well, the moon was full...
766
00:52:45,862 --> 00:52:47,931
(METALLIC RUMBLING)
767
00:52:47,964 --> 00:52:50,433
This is gonna take about two hours but,
768
00:52:50,467 --> 00:52:54,504
if you got the time, I got the cherries.
769
00:52:55,972 --> 00:52:57,040
Nerissa?
770
00:53:16,826 --> 00:53:18,028
Nerissa?
771
00:53:19,729 --> 00:53:21,331
(BOTH GIGGLING)
772
00:53:21,364 --> 00:53:22,566
Come on. Okay.
773
00:53:24,868 --> 00:53:26,336
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
774
00:53:26,369 --> 00:53:28,505
N-e-r-i-s-s-a.
775
00:53:34,544 --> 00:53:35,779
(DOOR CLOSING) KENDALL: Dwight.
776
00:53:36,546 --> 00:53:37,781
Hi.
777
00:53:38,848 --> 00:53:40,250
Did you see anyone?
778
00:53:40,283 --> 00:53:41,818
What are you doing here?
779
00:53:41,851 --> 00:53:45,322
(KEYS RATTLING) Uh, I, um,
780
00:53:45,355 --> 00:53:47,824
came by to return your keys.
781
00:53:47,857 --> 00:53:51,061
I didn't want to drop them in the mailbox.
782
00:53:51,094 --> 00:53:53,530
Kendall's a little slow on the intros.
783
00:53:55,231 --> 00:53:59,202
I'm Dwight Putnam.
784
00:53:59,235 --> 00:54:01,671
Zachary Simms. How do you do?
785
00:54:01,705 --> 00:54:04,374
(BLOWING) You been throwing snowballs?
786
00:54:04,407 --> 00:54:06,242
(COUGHS) Oh, no, I work for Haagen-Dazs.
787
00:54:06,276 --> 00:54:07,510
(CHUCKLES)
788
00:54:07,544 --> 00:54:09,546
You work for Haagen-Dazs? No. Um...
789
00:54:09,579 --> 00:54:11,781
We just had an ice cream cone.
790
00:54:13,817 --> 00:54:15,552
You look...
791
00:54:16,720 --> 00:54:18,221
...different.
792
00:54:20,390 --> 00:54:23,560
Uh, that's because Kendall's been doing such a wonderful job
793
00:54:23,593 --> 00:54:25,128
making me look so human.
794
00:54:25,161 --> 00:54:26,563
Human?
795
00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:28,531
Newman. Paul Newman.
796
00:54:28,565 --> 00:54:32,902
We just saw a Paul Newman movie and he wanted to dress like him.
797
00:54:32,936 --> 00:54:37,073
Are you one of the South Hampton Simms?
798
00:54:39,309 --> 00:54:41,144
Am I? No.
799
00:54:41,177 --> 00:54:42,812
ZACHARY: No.
800
00:54:42,846 --> 00:54:45,015
Where you from?
801
00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:47,751
(MOUTHING WORDS)
802
00:54:47,784 --> 00:54:49,719
Where is he from? Up north.
803
00:54:49,753 --> 00:54:51,054
Up north.
804
00:54:51,087 --> 00:54:53,123
How far up?
805
00:54:53,156 --> 00:54:55,458
Dwight, why are you asking so many questions?
806
00:54:55,492 --> 00:54:57,160
He's asking as many as me.
807
00:54:59,162 --> 00:55:01,765
You're a lucky guy, Zachary. She's a wonderful girl.
808
00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:05,802
The problem is she's got this fantasy about finding the perfect guy.
809
00:55:05,835 --> 00:55:07,137
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
810
00:55:09,372 --> 00:55:11,641
It's not a fantasy anymore.
811
00:55:13,810 --> 00:55:16,212
Pizza anyone? Oh.
812
00:55:19,316 --> 00:55:21,851
DWIGHT: Zachary, ask her what you do for a living.
813
00:55:23,053 --> 00:55:25,488
I don't have a job at the moment,
814
00:55:25,522 --> 00:55:27,791
but I'm desperately looking for one.
815
00:55:27,824 --> 00:55:29,426
I might be able to help.
816
00:55:29,459 --> 00:55:31,027
Do you know anything about insurance?
817
00:55:31,061 --> 00:55:33,163
Sure, we had that.
818
00:55:33,196 --> 00:55:37,834
You know, for six dollars, you could get a policy from Benjamin Franklin...
819
00:55:37,867 --> 00:55:41,971
You know about the Benjamin Franklin six-dollar deductible policy?
820
00:55:42,005 --> 00:55:44,174
(CHUCKLES) Hardly anyone knows that.
821
00:55:44,207 --> 00:55:45,542
You fascinate me, Zachary.
822
00:55:45,575 --> 00:55:48,211
My firm has openings for people like you.
823
00:55:48,244 --> 00:55:51,681
Aggressive, success-oriented men who want to get everything out of life!
824
00:55:51,715 --> 00:55:53,883
That's exactly what I want!
825
00:55:53,917 --> 00:55:55,518
When can you start?
826
00:55:55,552 --> 00:55:58,188
When can I start? When can he start?
827
00:55:58,221 --> 00:56:01,991
He has a health problem. You wouldn't believe his diet.
828
00:56:02,025 --> 00:56:03,493
How bad is your health?
829
00:56:03,526 --> 00:56:05,795
If you wrote a life insurance policy on me right now,
830
00:56:05,829 --> 00:56:08,865
I'd probably collect every day. But,
831
00:56:08,898 --> 00:56:11,701
I can work from sundown to dawn.
832
00:56:12,502 --> 00:56:15,038
Hmm.
833
00:56:15,071 --> 00:56:20,343
Ah-ha! I could start you in data analysis, they work the night shift.
834
00:56:20,376 --> 00:56:25,048
Dwight, thank you. You're my idea of a real human being.
835
00:56:27,050 --> 00:56:29,185
(LAUGHING) Dwight.
836
00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:31,921
Why are you doing this?
837
00:56:31,955 --> 00:56:34,991
I'd like to have the perfect man working for me.
838
00:56:35,024 --> 00:56:38,661
(STUTTERS) See you tomorrow when the sun goes down
839
00:56:38,695 --> 00:56:40,897
(LAUGHING) or when the moon goes up.
840
00:56:41,397 --> 00:56:42,599
(HOWLS)
841
00:56:43,533 --> 00:56:45,268
Where'd you dig him up?
842
00:56:48,238 --> 00:56:50,340
(DOOR CLOSING)
843
00:56:50,373 --> 00:56:53,109
I've got a job! I've got blood pressure.
844
00:56:53,143 --> 00:56:54,844
(LAUGHS) I'd never have come this far
845
00:56:54,878 --> 00:56:57,280
if it weren't for you.
846
00:56:57,313 --> 00:57:00,049
I'm going to make you so proud of me.
847
00:57:00,083 --> 00:57:01,751
I already am proud of you.
848
00:57:05,121 --> 00:57:08,291
Kendall, I love you.
849
00:57:10,493 --> 00:57:12,762
(CHUCKLES) Oh!
850
00:57:12,796 --> 00:57:17,967
Well, based on past experience, adding reality to fantasy...
851
00:57:21,738 --> 00:57:24,407
...subtracting fantasy from reality...
852
00:57:29,112 --> 00:57:30,613
Forget reason.
853
00:57:33,817 --> 00:57:35,785
I love you.
854
00:57:51,534 --> 00:57:53,536
Oh, I'm so happy!
855
00:57:58,775 --> 00:58:01,344
I'm going to eat the whole pizza tonight!
856
00:58:01,377 --> 00:58:04,814
(LAUGHS) And I'll make you coffee later.
857
00:58:04,848 --> 00:58:07,517
I'll check your vital signs after dinner.
858
00:58:07,550 --> 00:58:09,018
(SIGHS) Mine, too.
859
00:58:09,886 --> 00:58:12,622
This'll look great in the crypt!
860
00:58:21,164 --> 00:58:23,166
(CHAINS RATTLING)
861
00:58:25,368 --> 00:58:27,503
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Zacky.
862
00:58:45,855 --> 00:58:46,756
(EXCLAIMS)
863
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:06,709
(SCREAMS) Well, you see, it doesn't quite work there.
864
00:59:06,743 --> 00:59:09,379
Who... Who are you?
865
00:59:09,412 --> 00:59:12,515
I'm from the Immigration and Naturalization service.
866
00:59:12,548 --> 00:59:16,085
It's a raid. Donde esta Zachary Simms?
867
00:59:17,420 --> 00:59:18,888
Zachary?
868
00:59:22,959 --> 00:59:24,260
Zachary?
869
00:59:32,702 --> 00:59:35,104
NERISSA: Hi, Zachary.
870
00:59:35,138 --> 00:59:37,373
What is that in your mouth?
871
00:59:39,809 --> 00:59:41,878
(COUGHS) Pizza.
872
00:59:41,911 --> 00:59:43,279
Food?
873
00:59:44,948 --> 00:59:47,350
It's not food, it's pizza.
874
00:59:47,383 --> 00:59:50,586
(LAUGHS) You're sucking pizza. Why?
875
01:00:00,430 --> 01:00:03,299
I don't see any entry wounds on her throat.
876
01:00:03,333 --> 01:00:06,202
(LAUGHING) Who's the tramp?
877
01:00:06,235 --> 01:00:09,205
Kendall, this is Nerissa.
878
01:00:09,238 --> 01:00:11,341
(LAUGHS) Hi, old-timer.
879
01:00:14,444 --> 01:00:16,512
You look terrific!
880
01:00:17,981 --> 01:00:21,751
Why don't you give me a fast 200-year recap?
881
01:00:21,784 --> 01:00:26,656
Same address, same box, 200 years, don't remember you knocking on the lid.
882
01:00:26,689 --> 01:00:31,494
Oh, now Zacky! I came by during the Civil War,
883
01:00:31,527 --> 01:00:35,665
World Wars I and II. And I did pop by when the atom bomb was dropped.
884
01:00:35,698 --> 01:00:39,335
(CHUCKLES) What catastrophe brings you by now?
885
01:00:39,969 --> 01:00:41,938
I missed my Zacky.
886
01:00:41,971 --> 01:00:43,673
I had to see him.
887
01:00:43,706 --> 01:00:46,809
Still hanging around with the Washington set, are we?
888
01:00:48,478 --> 01:00:51,414
Yes, as a matter of fact, I haven't missed a party there
889
01:00:51,447 --> 01:00:53,149
in over 200 years.
890
01:00:53,182 --> 01:00:55,485
I'm a lobbyist now.
891
01:00:55,518 --> 01:00:58,488
So, Zacky, how would you like to come and bite for Uncle Sam?
892
01:00:58,521 --> 01:00:59,989
(CLICKS TONGUE)
893
01:01:00,023 --> 01:01:02,258
Well, I'm weaning myself off of blood at the moment.
894
01:01:02,291 --> 01:01:06,129
(LAUGHS) Onto what? Not synthetic blood?
895
01:01:06,162 --> 01:01:07,930
Oh, no, Zacky, it has side effects.
896
01:01:07,964 --> 01:01:10,700
I know this vampire who tried it once,
897
01:01:10,733 --> 01:01:13,002
slimy, squiggly things sprouted out all over him.
898
01:01:13,036 --> 01:01:14,837
Now he runs around biting alley cats.
899
01:01:14,871 --> 01:01:20,676
Oh, no. I'm into proteins, vitamins, carbohydrates, fats.
900
01:01:21,577 --> 01:01:23,312
I re-humanizing.
901
01:01:25,548 --> 01:01:27,016
(CHUCKLES)
902
01:01:27,050 --> 01:01:30,453
If I had a working stomach, I'd throw up.
903
01:01:30,486 --> 01:01:34,157
I gave you immortality and you want to trade it in for Twinkies?
904
01:01:34,190 --> 01:01:37,026
You gave me 200 years of heartache.
905
01:01:37,060 --> 01:01:39,862
I only became a vampire in the first place because I was in love with you
906
01:01:39,896 --> 01:01:42,632
and I thought you were in love with me.
907
01:01:42,665 --> 01:01:45,835
Well, of course I was in love with you.
908
01:01:45,868 --> 01:01:47,870
(CHUCKLING) Oh, Zacky!
909
01:01:49,539 --> 01:01:52,041
Remember 1776?
910
01:01:52,075 --> 01:01:54,143
(CHUCKLES) Philadelphia.
911
01:01:54,177 --> 01:01:56,345
That night we broke into Independence Hall.
912
01:01:56,379 --> 01:01:58,748
(BOTH LAUGHING)
913
01:01:58,781 --> 01:02:00,383
I haven't thought about that for ages.
914
01:02:00,416 --> 01:02:02,685
(LAUGHING) You were wild.
915
01:02:03,853 --> 01:02:05,721
(BOTH LAUGHING) Laugh.
916
01:02:05,755 --> 01:02:08,658
Nerissa signed the Declaration of Independence.
917
01:02:08,691 --> 01:02:10,860
What... What was the name, what was that name you signed...
918
01:02:10,893 --> 01:02:13,830
Oh, Francis Lightfoot Lee! Francis Lightfoot Lee!
919
01:02:13,863 --> 01:02:15,832
(HOWLS) Yes, and John Hancock kept walking around
920
01:02:15,865 --> 01:02:18,101
saying, "Who the hell is Francis Lightfoot Lee?" Francis Lightfoot Lee.
921
01:02:18,134 --> 01:02:20,703
(BOTH LAUGHING)
922
01:02:20,736 --> 01:02:23,005
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
923
01:02:23,039 --> 01:02:25,374
Well, that's all history now, isn't it?
924
01:02:26,042 --> 01:02:27,543
(SIGHING)
925
01:02:29,412 --> 01:02:33,516
You know, I think signing that declaration went to your head.
926
01:02:33,549 --> 01:02:37,787
I gave up my life for you and you walked out on me.
927
01:02:37,820 --> 01:02:43,192
You know, this represents hope, happiness,
928
01:02:43,226 --> 01:02:44,794
and a real future.
929
01:02:47,930 --> 01:02:52,735
You want proteins and carbohydrates and fats, fine.
930
01:02:52,769 --> 01:02:57,073
I'll give you money and you can open up a pizza parlor in Washington.
931
01:02:57,106 --> 01:02:58,975
I don't want a pizza parlor in Washington!
932
01:02:59,008 --> 01:03:01,577
I don't even want to be a vampire!
933
01:03:01,611 --> 01:03:04,914
I just want to be left alone with the woman I love.
934
01:03:04,947 --> 01:03:07,250
I'm quite capable of loving someone.
935
01:03:07,283 --> 01:03:09,619
Try Frankenstein.
936
01:03:09,652 --> 01:03:12,989
Nerissa, we had a hot 100 years together.
937
01:03:13,022 --> 01:03:16,993
I carried the torch for you for 200 more, enough is enough.
938
01:03:17,026 --> 01:03:19,428
I will never have enough of you, Zacky.
939
01:03:19,462 --> 01:03:23,332
You and I, we are an endangered species, so listen up.
940
01:03:23,366 --> 01:03:25,468
Of the all the vampires whoever tried to re-humanize,
941
01:03:25,501 --> 01:03:27,703
I've never heard of one making it.
942
01:03:28,504 --> 01:03:29,839
I'll make it.
943
01:03:33,476 --> 01:03:35,011
(SIGHS) Yeah.
944
01:03:37,280 --> 01:03:39,849
You'll make it with a wooden stake up your backside.
945
01:03:41,050 --> 01:03:43,519
Here's my 24-hour 800 number.
946
01:03:43,553 --> 01:03:46,355
From sundown to sunrise, ring my beeper.
947
01:03:51,994 --> 01:03:53,362
Trick or treat.
948
01:03:55,198 --> 01:03:57,500
I'm sorry Nerissa upset you so much.
949
01:03:57,533 --> 01:04:00,169
She didn't upset me.
950
01:04:00,203 --> 01:04:04,707
She just made me realize how much I want you.
951
01:04:08,211 --> 01:04:09,679
(BOTH MOANING)
952
01:04:12,848 --> 01:04:15,651
Has time changed sex in any way?
953
01:04:15,685 --> 01:04:18,654
I don't know. I wasn't the one making it 300 years ago.
954
01:04:18,688 --> 01:04:20,022
Oh.
955
01:04:20,056 --> 01:04:22,225
(GIGGLING)
956
01:04:22,258 --> 01:04:24,794
(EXCLAIMS) Are you afraid of me?
957
01:04:24,827 --> 01:04:26,062
Of course not.
958
01:04:26,095 --> 01:04:27,863
You just shivered.
959
01:04:29,031 --> 01:04:31,667
Just at the thought that
960
01:04:31,701 --> 01:04:35,338
a certain part of your body might be as cold as the rest of you.
961
01:04:49,051 --> 01:04:51,587
(EXCLAIMS) At last, I found a pile!
962
01:04:51,621 --> 01:04:53,589
I told you I would. Oh, great!
963
01:04:53,623 --> 01:04:55,391
(LAUGHING)
964
01:04:55,424 --> 01:04:56,592
(HORSE SNUFFLING) Good boy.
965
01:04:59,362 --> 01:05:01,397
Would you like to go for a ride with me, madam?
966
01:05:34,163 --> 01:05:37,266
He doesn't have a birth certificate.
967
01:05:37,300 --> 01:05:39,368
He doesn't have any credit cards.
968
01:05:39,402 --> 01:05:41,637
He doesn't have a TRW.
969
01:05:41,671 --> 01:05:43,506
No paper trail.
970
01:05:44,573 --> 01:05:46,375
First time I saw him, he looked awful enough
971
01:05:46,409 --> 01:05:49,312
to be put in the medical journals.
972
01:05:49,345 --> 01:05:51,947
Hmm. Blue Cross probably got stuck with him.
973
01:05:51,981 --> 01:05:55,618
(CHUCKLES) I'll find the skeleton in his closet.
974
01:05:55,651 --> 01:05:58,020
You can bet your bones on that.
975
01:06:03,359 --> 01:06:04,827
(PRINTING)
976
01:06:10,099 --> 01:06:13,669
ZACHARY: Hello, Dwight, it's Zachary Simms.
977
01:06:13,703 --> 01:06:16,072
I was wondering whether I could come and see you this evening
978
01:06:16,105 --> 01:06:17,840
when I come into work?
979
01:06:17,873 --> 01:06:21,277
I've tracked $1.3 million that is moved from
980
01:06:21,310 --> 01:06:24,647
department to department in blocks of five and ten thousand dollars.
981
01:06:24,680 --> 01:06:27,650
Oh, my God, you're right!
982
01:06:27,683 --> 01:06:29,185
(EXCLAIMING)
983
01:06:31,487 --> 01:06:35,224
Good work! Let's talk future.
984
01:06:39,228 --> 01:06:41,997
Bela Lugosi, my favorite.
985
01:06:42,031 --> 01:06:43,866
(BOTH MUNCHING)
986
01:06:43,899 --> 01:06:45,601
Go for it, Bela.
987
01:06:45,634 --> 01:06:46,769
(EXCLAIMS)
988
01:06:46,802 --> 01:06:49,672
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
989
01:06:49,705 --> 01:06:52,842
You know, it's really a shame you can't turn into a bat.
990
01:06:53,509 --> 01:06:55,211
Oh, but I can.
991
01:06:55,244 --> 01:06:57,012
(MUNCHING)
992
01:06:57,046 --> 01:06:58,948
Do you mean it?
993
01:06:58,981 --> 01:07:02,351
Yeah. I just don't like to admit to it, I never enjoy doing it.
994
01:07:02,385 --> 01:07:05,521
It's so... It's ugly and tacky.
995
01:07:09,225 --> 01:07:11,394
You want to see me turn into a bat, don't you?
996
01:07:11,427 --> 01:07:13,262
Hmm. You do, don't you?
997
01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:16,866
Yeah.
998
01:07:16,899 --> 01:07:18,033
Sure? Yeah.
999
01:07:21,370 --> 01:07:22,838
(SIGHS) Okay.
1000
01:07:27,443 --> 01:07:29,211
Don't panic.
1001
01:07:30,713 --> 01:07:33,215
It's not very pleasant...
1002
01:07:34,617 --> 01:07:39,221
If anything goes wrong, call 911.
1003
01:07:39,789 --> 01:07:41,223
(SIGHS)
1004
01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:45,594
(GROANS)
1005
01:07:51,400 --> 01:07:52,668
(SCREAMS)
1006
01:07:52,701 --> 01:07:54,537
(GROANING)
1007
01:08:02,745 --> 01:08:05,614
(IMITATING BAT)
1008
01:08:05,648 --> 01:08:06,916
(LAUGHING)
1009
01:08:10,786 --> 01:08:13,055
I'm a bat. What do you think of that?
1010
01:08:13,088 --> 01:08:16,692
(LAUGHS) I think you'll get a hernia if you try to make it up to the rafters.
1011
01:08:16,725 --> 01:08:18,194
(IMITATING BAT SOUNDS)
1012
01:08:18,227 --> 01:08:19,929
(GIGGLING)
1013
01:08:19,962 --> 01:08:22,364
It'll be sunset in a little while.
1014
01:08:22,398 --> 01:08:25,201
Come on, you have to start going out in the daylight.
1015
01:08:25,234 --> 01:08:28,237
You're trying to destroy me!
1016
01:08:39,348 --> 01:08:40,516
(ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING)
1017
01:08:43,285 --> 01:08:44,987
Hey! ZACHARY: Pardon me.
1018
01:08:45,020 --> 01:08:46,589
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
1019
01:08:47,923 --> 01:08:50,593
Frankly, I hoped you'd fall on your ass,
1020
01:08:52,261 --> 01:08:56,866
but you have made incredible progress.
1021
01:08:58,167 --> 01:08:59,602
Zachary?
1022
01:08:59,635 --> 01:09:03,339
Incredible progress. Zachary... I'm with you, Dwight.
1023
01:09:05,541 --> 01:09:10,012
(CLEARS THROAT) You are one of the most outstanding members of my firm.
1024
01:09:10,045 --> 01:09:13,682
From now on, you report directly to me.
1025
01:09:14,617 --> 01:09:15,818
Zachary?
1026
01:09:15,851 --> 01:09:19,522
(EXCLAIMING) Outstanding member. Directly under me.
1027
01:09:21,223 --> 01:09:23,459
Your sole purpose
1028
01:09:23,492 --> 01:09:28,998
is to make this company more profitable. No matter what it takes.
1029
01:09:30,366 --> 01:09:32,835
Zachary? No matter what it takes.
1030
01:09:32,868 --> 01:09:35,804
Zachary. Why are you doing that?
1031
01:09:35,838 --> 01:09:38,874
Oh, um, I'm exercising.
1032
01:09:41,343 --> 01:09:45,814
Ah, you want to be a success, you want to be a player?
1033
01:09:47,416 --> 01:09:50,686
You want respect from cutthroats?
1034
01:09:50,719 --> 01:09:56,225
Every conceivable luxury? Get with the program.
1035
01:09:56,258 --> 01:09:58,794
Hmm. Be bloodthirsty.
1036
01:09:58,827 --> 01:10:02,498
(STAMMERS) We're not talking real blood, are we?
1037
01:10:02,531 --> 01:10:05,034
A bloodthirsty attitude.
1038
01:10:05,067 --> 01:10:09,138
(SLURPING) Make a deal, get every last drop.
1039
01:10:09,171 --> 01:10:11,240
(CHUCKLES)
1040
01:10:11,273 --> 01:10:14,543
You also get a big salary bump.
1041
01:10:16,912 --> 01:10:19,214
And a company car.
1042
01:10:19,848 --> 01:10:22,418
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1043
01:10:22,451 --> 01:10:24,353
You're a player.
1044
01:10:24,386 --> 01:10:26,455
Drive, Zachary, drive!
1045
01:10:32,027 --> 01:10:33,662
Slow down.
1046
01:10:33,696 --> 01:10:35,864
I can handle it. I can handle it.
1047
01:10:36,565 --> 01:10:38,500
(MUMBLING)
1048
01:10:38,534 --> 01:10:40,436
Slow down, you bum, will you?
1049
01:10:42,271 --> 01:10:44,306
Oh, he's gotta be from New Jersey.
1050
01:10:45,908 --> 01:10:48,110
And now, I'd like you all to meet
1051
01:10:48,143 --> 01:10:53,015
our new executive Vice President,
1052
01:10:53,048 --> 01:10:54,249
Zachary Simms.
1053
01:10:55,951 --> 01:10:58,053
(ALL CLAPPING)
1054
01:11:09,632 --> 01:11:11,200
(CHOKING)
1055
01:11:11,233 --> 01:11:13,602
Please don't throw up on me.
1056
01:11:13,636 --> 01:11:14,903
I won't.
1057
01:11:16,672 --> 01:11:19,575
I'm okay. Once again.
1058
01:11:22,311 --> 01:11:23,612
(CHOKING)
1059
01:11:23,646 --> 01:11:25,180
What is it about me?
1060
01:11:26,181 --> 01:11:28,617
It's not you. It's me.
1061
01:11:29,985 --> 01:11:32,454
That's what they all say.
1062
01:11:32,488 --> 01:11:34,790
You're not ready for a relationship.
1063
01:11:36,025 --> 01:11:38,761
(CHUCKLES) Excuse me, madam.
1064
01:11:47,836 --> 01:11:52,474
(CHOKING) Kendall? I almost...on her.
1065
01:11:52,508 --> 01:11:54,510
Good.
1066
01:11:54,543 --> 01:11:57,680
No, you don't understand, it's the blood!
1067
01:11:59,181 --> 01:12:02,151
I can't take direct donor blood anymore.
1068
01:12:02,184 --> 01:12:05,521
I think my own system has kicked back in.
1069
01:12:05,554 --> 01:12:08,424
I won't have to bite anyone.
1070
01:12:08,457 --> 01:12:10,092
I think I'm almost human.
1071
01:12:10,125 --> 01:12:12,227
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1072
01:12:15,197 --> 01:12:17,299
(VOMITING)
1073
01:12:23,872 --> 01:12:26,175
Uh...
1074
01:12:26,208 --> 01:12:31,113
Security, seems to be a neck man running around the building.
1075
01:12:31,146 --> 01:12:32,815
(SIGHING) Oh, he was just here.
1076
01:12:32,848 --> 01:12:37,352
Really? Oh, may I just...
1077
01:12:39,188 --> 01:12:41,523
(EXCLAIMING)
1078
01:12:41,557 --> 01:12:44,326
(SIGHS) Beautiful!
1079
01:12:46,995 --> 01:12:48,130
(CAMERA SNAPPING)
1080
01:12:48,163 --> 01:12:49,331
(CHUCKLING SOFTLY)
1081
01:13:19,194 --> 01:13:20,529
(PHONE RINGING)
1082
01:13:22,231 --> 01:13:24,700
Yes? Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
1083
01:13:24,733 --> 01:13:27,836
It's Dwight Putnam. We met a couple of months ago.
1084
01:13:27,870 --> 01:13:29,405
Oh, yes.
1085
01:13:29,438 --> 01:13:31,373
Well, it's about Zachary. You know, he works for me now.
1086
01:13:31,406 --> 01:13:34,109
Super guy! Yes, um...
1087
01:13:34,143 --> 01:13:35,878
I just wanna find out a couple of details about him.
1088
01:13:35,911 --> 01:13:39,581
Nothing special, you know, maybe even that Cape Cod caper story.
1089
01:13:39,615 --> 01:13:43,952
Well, I'm terribly sorry, but I don't talk about men that I've had sex with.
1090
01:13:43,986 --> 01:13:45,954
Can't chat now, I'm in a meeting.
1091
01:13:59,568 --> 01:14:00,702
(KNOCKING)
1092
01:14:00,736 --> 01:14:02,604
Anybody home?
1093
01:14:04,673 --> 01:14:06,241
Anybody in?
1094
01:14:11,280 --> 01:14:12,581
(SIGHS)
1095
01:14:18,454 --> 01:14:19,755
(GRUNTING)
1096
01:14:31,200 --> 01:14:32,668
(MUMBLING)
1097
01:14:32,701 --> 01:14:35,103
(PHONE RINGING)
1098
01:14:35,137 --> 01:14:38,507
ZACHARY: Hello, I can't come to the phone at the moment, I'm dead.
1099
01:14:38,540 --> 01:14:40,008
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
1100
01:14:40,042 --> 01:14:42,811
NERISSA: Zachary, this is Nerissa.
1101
01:14:42,845 --> 01:14:46,648
Be careful, or Dwight Putnam will find out what you really are.
1102
01:14:49,218 --> 01:14:52,154
(ANSWERING MACHINE REWINDING)
1103
01:14:52,187 --> 01:14:55,724
ZACHARY: Hello, I can't come to the phone at the moment, I'm dead.
1104
01:15:00,329 --> 01:15:01,563
I guess that nails him.
1105
01:15:04,399 --> 01:15:08,670
Yeah, well, I'll write you a 10-year policy that'll save you 10,000 a year.
1106
01:15:10,806 --> 01:15:13,175
Zachary?
1107
01:15:13,208 --> 01:15:18,113
Dwight, can't talk right now. I'm just clinching the McGaty deal
1108
01:15:18,146 --> 01:15:20,649
and my calls are backed up.
1109
01:15:20,682 --> 01:15:24,720
Jennifer, see if you could find time for Mr. Putnam tomorrow, would you?
1110
01:15:28,257 --> 01:15:31,627
Look, I'm virtually giving you $100,000 here.
1111
01:15:31,660 --> 01:15:33,228
Is it a deal or not?
1112
01:15:42,204 --> 01:15:45,207
Hey, Putnam? Putnam, wait, wait!
1113
01:15:45,240 --> 01:15:48,510
(PANTING) Wait. Putnam? Putnam? Putnam? Putnam?
1114
01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:52,014
That bozo, I found his skeleton.
1115
01:15:52,047 --> 01:15:55,684
His skeleton? He is a card-carrying vampire.
1116
01:15:55,717 --> 01:15:57,886
(STUTTERS) Vinnie, please!
1117
01:15:57,920 --> 01:15:59,488
He bites women in the neck.
1118
01:15:59,521 --> 01:16:01,189
So do I.
1119
01:16:01,223 --> 01:16:03,392
(STUTTERS) Look at that.
1120
01:16:06,361 --> 01:16:08,096
Hickey pictures.
1121
01:16:08,130 --> 01:16:11,500
He hides out in the Kendall dame's fireplace.
1122
01:16:11,533 --> 01:16:12,601
In the fireplace?
1123
01:16:12,634 --> 01:16:15,170
In a crazy-colored coffin.
1124
01:16:15,203 --> 01:16:17,873
In a crazy-colored coffin?
1125
01:16:17,906 --> 01:16:21,376
I'm telling you, I researched the archives.
1126
01:16:21,410 --> 01:16:24,446
That man is 350 years old.
1127
01:16:24,479 --> 01:16:28,917
And he used to hang around with a 400-year-old woman.
1128
01:16:28,951 --> 01:16:33,555
Vinnie, call me tomorrow, I'll get you admitted to Bellevue.
1129
01:16:33,589 --> 01:16:36,725
(CAR ENGINE STARTING) That bozo is a vampire. Beware!
1130
01:16:36,758 --> 01:16:37,859
(TIRES SQUEALING)
1131
01:16:37,893 --> 01:16:40,095
Watch your neck!
1132
01:16:40,128 --> 01:16:41,597
Schmuck!
1133
01:16:41,630 --> 01:16:43,231
(MUMBLING)
1134
01:16:43,265 --> 01:16:46,802
A vampire! NERISSA: Did you say, vampire?
1135
01:16:46,835 --> 01:16:48,337
Who said that?
1136
01:16:50,839 --> 01:16:53,008
Well, he shacked up on the best...
1137
01:16:54,176 --> 01:16:55,811
(EXCLAIMS)
1138
01:16:55,844 --> 01:17:00,148
There is not such thing as a vampire.
1139
01:17:00,182 --> 01:17:02,718
I've got proof.
1140
01:17:02,751 --> 01:17:06,588
There's no such thing as a vampire.
1141
01:17:06,621 --> 01:17:10,459
There is no such thing as a vampire.
1142
01:17:11,526 --> 01:17:14,229
Who, who, who...
1143
01:17:14,262 --> 01:17:16,965
No such thing as a vampire.
1144
01:17:19,034 --> 01:17:23,472
ZACHARY: We will also acquire Dolphin Marine Insurance
1145
01:17:23,505 --> 01:17:26,408
and Gervis Finance.
1146
01:17:26,441 --> 01:17:29,845
This will widen our stock margin
1147
01:17:29,878 --> 01:17:35,283
and increase the value of our shares by 30 percent a year
1148
01:17:35,317 --> 01:17:37,619
for the next 100.
1149
01:17:39,621 --> 01:17:42,524
Ladies and gentlemen, all this can only be accomplished
1150
01:17:42,557 --> 01:17:47,796
by reorganizing our corporation and disposing of any
1151
01:17:48,697 --> 01:17:49,965
deadwood.
1152
01:17:58,473 --> 01:17:59,875
NERISSA: Hickey pictures.
1153
01:18:02,377 --> 01:18:05,347
I think your detective has seen one too many movies.
1154
01:18:06,348 --> 01:18:09,384
So Zachary bites women on the neck.
1155
01:18:10,686 --> 01:18:13,989
Even I've been known to bite on occasion.
1156
01:18:14,022 --> 01:18:16,324
That's right, you tried to bite me the first time we met.
1157
01:18:16,358 --> 01:18:21,530
Hmm. Believe it or not I'm fighting the same impulse even as we speak.
1158
01:18:21,563 --> 01:18:24,866
Oh, don't fight it too hard.
1159
01:18:24,900 --> 01:18:26,368
(EXCLAIMING)
1160
01:18:28,236 --> 01:18:29,871
(SIGHING)
1161
01:18:30,572 --> 01:18:33,308
If Zachary is a vampire
1162
01:18:33,341 --> 01:18:37,045
then I am the tooth fairy.
1163
01:18:37,913 --> 01:18:40,015
I assume he's bitten you.
1164
01:18:40,048 --> 01:18:43,852
Oh, Zachary never could keep his teeth to himself.
1165
01:18:43,885 --> 01:18:47,923
I've been suspicious of him from the minute I kissed him.
1166
01:18:48,790 --> 01:18:51,727
(SIGHS) You kissed him?
1167
01:18:51,760 --> 01:18:56,565
Well, I was lying on top of him trying to arouse him.
1168
01:18:56,598 --> 01:18:58,033
(EXCLAIMS)
1169
01:18:58,066 --> 01:18:59,334
(SIGHS)
1170
01:18:59,367 --> 01:19:03,238
(CHUCKLES) A neck man, neck person.
1171
01:19:03,271 --> 01:19:08,310
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, your lips, so magical.
1172
01:19:09,711 --> 01:19:14,216
Your lips are not as cold as Zachary's.
1173
01:19:15,383 --> 01:19:18,386
(EXCLAIMING)
1174
01:19:18,420 --> 01:19:21,289
Oh, his hand was colder.
1175
01:19:21,323 --> 01:19:23,792
Well...
1176
01:19:23,825 --> 01:19:27,796
You know, I've never been this excited by kissing.
1177
01:19:27,829 --> 01:19:29,865
I feel my heart pumping.
1178
01:19:29,898 --> 01:19:32,200
Blood gushing through my veins.
1179
01:19:32,234 --> 01:19:34,202
(EXCLAIMING) I...
1180
01:19:34,236 --> 01:19:36,805
I think I'm gonna have a performance problem.
1181
01:19:36,838 --> 01:19:40,108
You might wanna slow up a bit.
1182
01:19:40,142 --> 01:19:44,579
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) You bit me. You wild...
1183
01:19:46,848 --> 01:19:49,151
Blood. Oh!
1184
01:19:52,087 --> 01:19:55,924
That is no hickey. Oh.
1185
01:19:55,957 --> 01:19:58,994
Petite fangs make petite punctures.
1186
01:19:59,027 --> 01:20:01,196
(EXCLAIMING)
1187
01:20:04,432 --> 01:20:06,935
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
1188
01:20:08,203 --> 01:20:11,506
You and Zachary are vampires!
1189
01:20:11,540 --> 01:20:13,942
(EXCLAIMING)
1190
01:20:13,975 --> 01:20:16,344
All that stuff about ghosts and goblins is true.
1191
01:20:16,378 --> 01:20:19,147
Stop, I won't sleep a wink.
1192
01:20:19,181 --> 01:20:22,918
I can't believe it. A nice girl like you. How?
1193
01:20:22,951 --> 01:20:24,619
(BEEPER BEEPING)
1194
01:20:24,653 --> 01:20:27,756
My beeper. Where's the phone?
1195
01:20:27,789 --> 01:20:29,558
(BREATHING HEAVILY) Behind you, next to the bed.
1196
01:20:35,063 --> 01:20:37,699
(DIALING TELEPHONE)
1197
01:20:41,536 --> 01:20:43,371
What do you want?
1198
01:20:44,339 --> 01:20:47,742
What? What?
1199
01:20:55,150 --> 01:20:57,152
Your Zacky just bit my company.
1200
01:21:00,055 --> 01:21:01,723
(PHONE RINGING)
1201
01:21:04,092 --> 01:21:05,393
(SIGHING)
1202
01:21:05,427 --> 01:21:08,997
Police desk, Sergeant Farfalloni.
1203
01:21:09,030 --> 01:21:11,700
(SNORTING) Talk to me, toad.
1204
01:21:11,733 --> 01:21:15,670
I don't know whether I need a SWAT team or an exorcist.
1205
01:21:15,704 --> 01:21:18,073
Back it up, Bamm-Bamm.
1206
01:21:18,106 --> 01:21:21,676
Well, this woman was sucking my neck.
1207
01:21:21,710 --> 01:21:23,678
(EXCLAIMS) Well, I mean, she wasn't exactly a woman.
1208
01:21:23,712 --> 01:21:26,514
Hop on this, we got a winner.
1209
01:21:26,548 --> 01:21:28,250
Get on there.
1210
01:21:28,283 --> 01:21:31,853
So, it's not exactly a woman sucking on your neck.
1211
01:21:31,887 --> 01:21:34,356
What is it, a drag queen?
1212
01:21:34,389 --> 01:21:37,225
(STAMMERING) No. No. No, she's got great breasts.
1213
01:21:37,259 --> 01:21:38,426
(LAUGHING)
1214
01:21:38,460 --> 01:21:40,862
Look, she's over 400 years old.
1215
01:21:40,896 --> 01:21:44,933
You're reporting some 400-year-old babe
1216
01:21:44,966 --> 01:21:49,504
(POLICE OFFICER LAUGHING) with huge jugs suckin' on your neck?
1217
01:21:49,537 --> 01:21:53,108
Yeah. Uh... What is this, an age discrimination complaint?
1218
01:21:54,876 --> 01:21:58,513
Um, look, I'm reporting a vampire.
1219
01:21:58,546 --> 01:22:00,415
No, two, two vampires,
1220
01:22:00,448 --> 01:22:02,350
uh, the other's a man.
1221
01:22:02,384 --> 01:22:04,552
Two vampires?
1222
01:22:04,586 --> 01:22:09,591
I got a report like this last year. These squids are multiplying.
1223
01:22:09,624 --> 01:22:11,393
(POLICE OFFICERS LAUGHING)
1224
01:22:11,426 --> 01:22:15,096
Hey, tell you what. Take three cloves of garlic,
1225
01:22:15,130 --> 01:22:18,600
two crosses and call me in the morning, stud puppet!
1226
01:22:18,633 --> 01:22:20,302
(POLICE OFFICERS LAUGHING)
1227
01:22:20,335 --> 01:22:22,637
Assholes! Pig!
1228
01:22:25,807 --> 01:22:28,109
(CAR PHONE DIALING)
1229
01:22:29,577 --> 01:22:31,279
(CAR PHONE RINGING)
1230
01:22:33,581 --> 01:22:35,016
(CHUCKLES) Nerissa?
1231
01:22:58,340 --> 01:23:00,008
(DOORBELL RINGING)
1232
01:23:00,041 --> 01:23:01,443
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1233
01:23:02,210 --> 01:23:03,678
KENDALL: Zachary?
1234
01:23:06,781 --> 01:23:08,950
Where is he?
1235
01:23:09,718 --> 01:23:11,486
Did he? Her.
1236
01:23:11,519 --> 01:23:13,288
(DOOR CLOSES)
1237
01:23:13,321 --> 01:23:17,592
Your perfect man just made himself Chief Executive Officer of my company.
1238
01:23:17,625 --> 01:23:20,695
There's a 300-year-old vampire sitting behind my desk.
1239
01:23:20,729 --> 01:23:22,764
And you knew about it all the time.
1240
01:23:22,797 --> 01:23:24,766
I tried to tell you.
1241
01:23:24,799 --> 01:23:27,168
Your fantasy cost me everything.
1242
01:23:28,403 --> 01:23:31,005
I hold you personally responsible.
1243
01:23:31,039 --> 01:23:32,874
I'm sorry.
1244
01:23:35,210 --> 01:23:37,479
I'm sorry.
1245
01:23:37,512 --> 01:23:39,714
I'm gonna wait right here for him.
1246
01:23:42,884 --> 01:23:44,552
I could sue you.
1247
01:23:50,025 --> 01:23:51,593
(DOORBELL RINGING)
1248
01:23:53,328 --> 01:23:54,462
(LAUGHS)
1249
01:23:54,496 --> 01:23:55,997
Boo!
1250
01:23:57,098 --> 01:23:59,367
Where's Zacky? Uh...
1251
01:24:01,236 --> 01:24:03,304
Zacky is late.
1252
01:24:03,338 --> 01:24:06,574
What is all of this about?
1253
01:24:06,608 --> 01:24:10,145
Your Zacky stole my business and Kendall.
1254
01:24:10,178 --> 01:24:12,680
I want them both back!
1255
01:24:15,049 --> 01:24:16,718
I'll settle for the business.
1256
01:24:16,751 --> 01:24:20,188
Is there a non-gory way you can evict a vampire?
1257
01:24:20,221 --> 01:24:22,857
He may not be a vampire anymore!
1258
01:24:22,891 --> 01:24:26,161
Last I saw he had pizza oozing from his mouth.
1259
01:24:26,194 --> 01:24:28,363
Is there a dirty trick you can do?
1260
01:24:30,265 --> 01:24:33,635
Well, if he's gone human,
1261
01:24:36,204 --> 01:24:40,775
I suppose the dirtiest thing I could do is
1262
01:24:40,809 --> 01:24:43,978
bite him and re-vamporize him.
1263
01:24:44,546 --> 01:24:47,549
(HUMMING)
1264
01:24:50,385 --> 01:24:52,287
Oh, it's Zachary.
1265
01:24:52,320 --> 01:24:55,523
Uh, we gotta surprise him. Where can we hide?
1266
01:24:55,557 --> 01:24:56,724
Follow me.
1267
01:24:57,725 --> 01:24:59,093
(GROANING)
1268
01:24:59,127 --> 01:25:02,530
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
1269
01:25:02,564 --> 01:25:03,898
(DOOR OPENING) DWIGHT: Oh, boy.
1270
01:25:03,932 --> 01:25:05,233
In.
1271
01:25:06,267 --> 01:25:07,435
No way.
1272
01:25:07,469 --> 01:25:09,137
Get in! Okay.
1273
01:25:12,407 --> 01:25:15,510
(ZACHARY LAUGHING)
1274
01:25:17,178 --> 01:25:18,847
Honey, I'm home!
1275
01:25:32,093 --> 01:25:33,194
Damn it!
1276
01:25:35,430 --> 01:25:36,531
(SIGHS)
1277
01:25:43,638 --> 01:25:46,274
Kendall? You want a drink?
1278
01:25:46,774 --> 01:25:47,876
(SIGHING)
1279
01:25:48,443 --> 01:25:49,811
Sweet cakes.
1280
01:25:55,850 --> 01:25:58,486
(LAUGHING) Pumpkin.
1281
01:26:00,655 --> 01:26:03,224
Uh, sorry I'm late. I had a big board meeting.
1282
01:26:04,225 --> 01:26:05,393
Uh...
1283
01:26:08,363 --> 01:26:10,698
Let's get on with the Zachary Simms
1284
01:26:10,732 --> 01:26:13,668
through the fireplace anniversary, shall we? The party?
1285
01:26:14,502 --> 01:26:16,938
So much to celebrate.
1286
01:26:16,971 --> 01:26:19,474
At dawn, the year will be up and I'll be human again.
1287
01:26:20,708 --> 01:26:21,976
Let's drink to that.
1288
01:26:24,245 --> 01:26:25,380
Here.
1289
01:26:28,216 --> 01:26:32,687
Zachary Simms, human being, man of the '90s.
1290
01:26:32,720 --> 01:26:33,855
(CHUCKLING)
1291
01:26:37,525 --> 01:26:39,027
So, say something.
1292
01:26:40,895 --> 01:26:43,498
Dwight. (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah, Dwight.
1293
01:26:43,531 --> 01:26:45,166
Isn't it great?
1294
01:26:45,200 --> 01:26:46,568
(SMACKING LIPS)
1295
01:26:46,601 --> 01:26:49,337
I just made him much richer.
1296
01:26:49,370 --> 01:26:51,472
I set up this super, super deal.
1297
01:26:51,506 --> 01:26:53,675
He'll never have to do a day's work in his life.
1298
01:26:53,708 --> 01:26:55,310
(LAUGHS) He can do anything he wants.
1299
01:26:55,343 --> 01:26:57,412
He wants to run his own company.
1300
01:26:57,445 --> 01:27:00,048
(LAUGHS) No. Anything but that, I run it now.
1301
01:27:01,049 --> 01:27:03,718
What a sensational year, though.
1302
01:27:03,751 --> 01:27:07,522
I've changed from the bogeyman in the moldy old cloak
1303
01:27:07,555 --> 01:27:12,060
to the corporation president in $2,000 suits.
1304
01:27:12,727 --> 01:27:14,329
From dust to dirt.
1305
01:27:14,362 --> 01:27:16,097
(EXCLAIMING)
1306
01:27:16,130 --> 01:27:19,233
Just because I've adapted to the 20th century so perfectly.
1307
01:27:19,267 --> 01:27:21,603
Oddly enough, you haven't.
1308
01:27:21,636 --> 01:27:25,273
Update your thinking, Kendall, stop living in the past.
1309
01:27:25,306 --> 01:27:28,176
Get with the program.
1310
01:27:28,209 --> 01:27:30,912
Look, I've got a big surprise for you.
1311
01:27:32,380 --> 01:27:34,282
I've booked a suite at the Plaza.
1312
01:27:34,315 --> 01:27:37,452
We can stay there until we find a penthouse of our own.
1313
01:27:37,485 --> 01:27:40,288
I'm sick of this old tomb and its memories.
1314
01:27:40,321 --> 01:27:42,991
Let's just pack up and get out before dawn.
1315
01:27:44,726 --> 01:27:47,662
You pack. You get out before dawn.
1316
01:27:49,230 --> 01:27:52,066
I'm putting an ad in the paper to sub-let the crypt.
1317
01:27:52,100 --> 01:27:54,402
I hope I get a werewolf the next time.
1318
01:27:56,337 --> 01:27:57,438
(DOOR CLOSES)
1319
01:27:57,472 --> 01:27:59,974
(LAUGHING)
1320
01:28:04,145 --> 01:28:06,347
(DWIGHT IMITATING WEREWOLF HOWLING)
1321
01:28:08,149 --> 01:28:11,185
(WHOOPING)
1322
01:28:21,763 --> 01:28:22,864
(THUD)
1323
01:28:23,831 --> 01:28:25,033
(GROANING)
1324
01:28:25,533 --> 01:28:27,168
Dwight?
1325
01:28:27,201 --> 01:28:28,603
(LAUGHING)
1326
01:28:28,636 --> 01:28:30,204
(LAUGHS) Who did the neck job?
1327
01:28:34,175 --> 01:28:39,814
Nerissa, what an anniversary this has turned out to be, huh?
1328
01:28:39,847 --> 01:28:41,649
Uh, would you like a drink, darling?
1329
01:28:41,683 --> 01:28:43,518
Got you, devil, demon!
1330
01:28:43,551 --> 01:28:44,819
(BOTH GRUNTING)
1331
01:28:44,852 --> 01:28:46,521
ZACHARY: What the hell do you think you're doing?
1332
01:28:46,554 --> 01:28:49,991
No! Kendall, help! Kendall, help!
1333
01:28:50,024 --> 01:28:51,759
What is this, an orgy?
1334
01:28:51,793 --> 01:28:53,628
She's trying to re-vamp me!
1335
01:28:53,661 --> 01:28:55,830
Devil! Re-vamp?
1336
01:28:55,863 --> 01:28:58,666
Stay out of it, Kendall. Don't mess with poetic justice.
1337
01:28:58,700 --> 01:29:01,436
Stop her before my system gets imbalanced.
1338
01:29:01,469 --> 01:29:02,870
Put a cork in it, old-timer.
1339
01:29:03,738 --> 01:29:05,840
(EXCLAIMING)
1340
01:29:05,873 --> 01:29:07,375
(MEN GRUNTING)
1341
01:29:10,478 --> 01:29:11,646
(KENDALL SCREAMS)
1342
01:29:12,847 --> 01:29:14,215
Kendall?
1343
01:29:14,248 --> 01:29:15,349
(MOANING)
1344
01:29:16,918 --> 01:29:18,753
Kendall?
1345
01:29:20,154 --> 01:29:21,856
Are you all right?
1346
01:29:21,889 --> 01:29:25,593
KENDALL: (SIGHS) Yeah. Yeah, we're okay.
1347
01:29:27,995 --> 01:29:31,132
What do you mean, we? And why are you rubbing your stomach?
1348
01:29:31,165 --> 01:29:33,568
I just felt something fluttering inside.
1349
01:29:33,601 --> 01:29:36,170
Oh, you're just stressed, she's got butterflies in her stomach.
1350
01:29:36,204 --> 01:29:38,639
Any evening sickness?
1351
01:29:38,673 --> 01:29:42,710
I've had cravings of wanting to hang upside down in a dark cave.
1352
01:29:44,679 --> 01:29:47,215
Those aren't butterflies. She's pregnant.
1353
01:29:49,083 --> 01:29:50,918
You got pregnant by a vampire?
1354
01:29:50,952 --> 01:29:53,521
When the doctor said the rabbit died,
1355
01:29:53,554 --> 01:29:56,157
came back to life at sunset and bit the nurse in the butt.
1356
01:29:56,190 --> 01:29:59,427
(LAUGHS) That's my boy! We're having a baby!
1357
01:29:59,460 --> 01:30:02,029
I'm having a baby, without you.
1358
01:30:02,930 --> 01:30:04,799
I want you out of my life.
1359
01:30:07,235 --> 01:30:08,936
You can't do that to me.
1360
01:30:10,705 --> 01:30:13,241
To it. To us.
1361
01:30:14,709 --> 01:30:16,511
(SIGHS)
1362
01:30:16,544 --> 01:30:22,049
What's inside of you right now is something that I've dreamt about since...
1363
01:30:24,051 --> 01:30:26,854
(MUMBLING) Since... She knows the dates.
1364
01:30:26,888 --> 01:30:30,024
He always blubbered about having babies.
1365
01:30:30,057 --> 01:30:32,226
Kendall, you know I love you.
1366
01:30:33,928 --> 01:30:37,165
I'll do anything if you'll let me have our baby with you.
1367
01:30:47,975 --> 01:30:49,844
Go back to being a vampire.
1368
01:30:54,916 --> 01:30:58,252
What, and give up eating pizza?
1369
01:30:58,286 --> 01:31:02,089
I never should have tried to change you in the first place.
1370
01:31:02,123 --> 01:31:06,060
As a vampire, you had your own kind of perfection.
1371
01:31:06,093 --> 01:31:08,196
You were more human when you were dead.
1372
01:31:09,197 --> 01:31:12,066
Zacky, reinstate me.
1373
01:31:12,099 --> 01:31:14,335
You become the consultant with the perpetual income
1374
01:31:14,368 --> 01:31:17,672
that will make you rich through the centuries.
1375
01:31:17,705 --> 01:31:22,410
This is a perfect vampire package.
1376
01:31:22,443 --> 01:31:25,379
Bottom line, you're better off dead.
1377
01:31:27,481 --> 01:31:28,516
Really.
1378
01:31:31,352 --> 01:31:35,656
You're asking me to give up my life like she did.
1379
01:31:35,690 --> 01:31:37,825
I'm asking you to put it on hold.
1380
01:31:41,829 --> 01:31:45,833
And this way you can give the baby all its night feedings
1381
01:31:45,867 --> 01:31:47,635
and I can get some sleep.
1382
01:31:51,839 --> 01:31:54,976
Zacky, go for it.
1383
01:31:56,711 --> 01:31:58,579
I want the old Zachary back.
1384
01:32:09,924 --> 01:32:10,892
(CHUCKLES)
1385
01:32:13,194 --> 01:32:15,796
Nerissa, how long do you think it would take
1386
01:32:15,830 --> 01:32:19,000
to get him back to the happy hunting grounds?
1387
01:32:19,033 --> 01:32:22,169
I'll put a rush on it. He'll be ready by the weekend.
1388
01:32:24,338 --> 01:32:27,975
I never had a baby.
1389
01:32:28,009 --> 01:32:31,913
So if it's a girl, could you name her after me?
1390
01:32:31,946 --> 01:32:34,415
I mean, I am sort of a godmother in a roundabout sort of way.
1391
01:32:36,250 --> 01:32:38,219
I don't know, I could buy cute little dresses
1392
01:32:38,252 --> 01:32:41,088
and take her to see the Mets play night games.
1393
01:32:41,122 --> 01:32:45,760
Oh, and if it's a boy, name it after Dracula.
1394
01:32:46,794 --> 01:32:48,462
(STREET SWEEPER APPROACHING)
1395
01:32:53,701 --> 01:32:55,703
The sun. The sun.
1396
01:32:57,571 --> 01:32:59,240
The sun?
1397
01:32:59,273 --> 01:33:02,376
Damn it! Now I've gotta start thinking about the sun again!
1398
01:33:03,611 --> 01:33:08,416
Um, I really hate it when this happens.
1399
01:33:08,449 --> 01:33:11,552
Uh, Nerissa, why don't you stay for brunch?
1400
01:33:12,920 --> 01:33:15,256
You can use the guest room.
1401
01:33:15,289 --> 01:33:17,124
You know, you're not so bad after all.
1402
01:33:20,962 --> 01:33:22,196
DWIGHT: Nerissa?
1403
01:33:22,229 --> 01:33:24,198
Dwight, I'm off duty.
1404
01:33:24,231 --> 01:33:26,367
You are a valuable contact.
1405
01:33:26,400 --> 01:33:28,235
I have an opening for you.
1406
01:33:28,269 --> 01:33:31,639
Ring my beeper. Now don't sneak down to the crypt during the day
1407
01:33:31,672 --> 01:33:33,341
and jump on my bones, okay?
1408
01:33:35,576 --> 01:33:36,844
Good night.
1409
01:33:39,680 --> 01:33:41,148
(CLEARS THROAT)
1410
01:33:42,416 --> 01:33:44,919
Good night. Good morning, whatever.
1411
01:33:50,424 --> 01:33:52,159
(EXCLAIMS)
1412
01:33:52,193 --> 01:33:56,130
You damn vampires. Now you've got me afraid of the sun.
1413
01:34:09,944 --> 01:34:11,812
Kendall.
1414
01:34:13,180 --> 01:34:16,484
Do you think the baby might be ashamed of me?
1415
01:34:16,517 --> 01:34:20,421
Our baby will adore you.
1416
01:34:20,454 --> 01:34:24,825
Nerissa says you'll be a full blown vampire by the weekend.
1417
01:34:24,859 --> 01:34:27,495
Why do you think I'm gobbling up this pizza?
1418
01:34:27,528 --> 01:34:29,997
Your fangs will get sharp again.
1419
01:34:30,031 --> 01:34:32,366
I've already got a toothache.
1420
01:34:32,400 --> 01:34:36,537
And when our baby is old enough to understand,
1421
01:34:36,570 --> 01:34:37,705
you'll bite me!
1422
01:34:39,340 --> 01:34:41,675
What? Vamporize me.
1423
01:34:41,709 --> 01:34:43,511
I couldn't do that to you.
1424
01:34:43,544 --> 01:34:47,715
You have to. That's the only way that we can be the perfect love story.
1425
01:34:47,748 --> 01:34:51,886
We can bite our way through the centuries till we find the perfect one.
1426
01:34:52,653 --> 01:34:54,455
I bet,
1427
01:34:54,488 --> 01:34:57,224
if we try really, really hard,
1428
01:34:58,492 --> 01:35:00,795
we can turn into bats!
1429
01:35:00,828 --> 01:35:02,463
You're kidding.
1430
01:35:02,496 --> 01:35:04,565
Does this look like I'm kidding?
1431
01:35:09,170 --> 01:35:10,971
Have you gone stark raving batty?
1432
01:35:11,005 --> 01:35:12,206
(LAUGHING)
1433
01:35:13,674 --> 01:35:15,609
Look into my eyes, madam.
1434
01:35:36,030 --> 01:35:37,531
♪ Never
1435
01:35:44,405 --> 01:35:47,108
♪ Ever and ever
1436
01:35:48,075 --> 01:35:50,911
♪ I'll hold you close to me
1437
01:35:51,912 --> 01:35:54,815
♪ And we'll be together
1438
01:35:55,883 --> 01:35:59,954
♪ Through all eternity
1439
01:35:59,987 --> 01:36:04,024
♪ And nothing's gonna come between our love
1440
01:36:04,058 --> 01:36:08,929
♪ And nothing's gonna take away our miracle
1441
01:36:08,963 --> 01:36:11,766
♪ And never gonna get enough
1442
01:36:11,799 --> 01:36:15,236
♪ of holding, kissing, and loving you
1443
01:36:15,269 --> 01:36:19,640
♪ Oh, we're never gonna say goodbye
1444
01:36:19,673 --> 01:36:23,544
♪ I'm always gonna be right by your side
1445
01:36:23,577 --> 01:36:27,481
♪ I'm never gonna say goodbye
1446
01:36:27,515 --> 01:36:32,686
♪ Eternally, it's you and me, together
1447
01:36:34,855 --> 01:36:37,324
♪ Forever
1448
01:36:38,993 --> 01:36:43,130
♪ Like dancing and music
1449
01:36:43,164 --> 01:36:45,966
♪ We fit together perfectly
1450
01:36:46,000 --> 01:36:48,302
♪ We got something special
1451
01:36:48,335 --> 01:36:50,971
♪ Let's not lose it
1452
01:36:51,005 --> 01:36:54,808
♪ The way true love should be
1453
01:36:54,842 --> 01:36:58,779
♪ And nothing's gonna come between our love
1454
01:36:58,812 --> 01:37:03,517
♪ And nothing's gonna take away our miracle
1455
01:37:03,551 --> 01:37:06,687
♪ No, I'm never gonna get enough
1456
01:37:06,720 --> 01:37:10,124
♪ of holding, kissing, of loving you
1457
01:37:10,157 --> 01:37:14,428
♪ Oh, we're never gonna say goodbye
1458
01:37:14,461 --> 01:37:18,499
♪ I'm always gonna be right by your side
1459
01:37:18,532 --> 01:37:22,369
♪ We're never gonna say goodbye
1460
01:37:22,403 --> 01:37:27,341
♪ Eternally, it's you and me together
1461
01:37:29,810 --> 01:37:31,512
♪ Forever
1462
01:37:34,715 --> 01:37:38,619
♪ And if the world would end today
1463
01:37:38,652 --> 01:37:42,323
♪ I know our souls would still embrace
1464
01:37:42,356 --> 01:37:46,160
♪ And if the sun refused to shine
1465
01:37:46,193 --> 01:37:51,832
♪ I wouldn't care, 'cause I know you're mine
1466
01:37:51,865 --> 01:37:55,703
♪ Never gonna say goodbye
1467
01:37:55,736 --> 01:37:59,039
♪ I'll always be right by your side ♪
101344
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