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♪ Empty bottle,
empty, empty bottle ♪

♪ Empty drinks for you

♪ As I watched the smoke
settle on the palms ♪

♪ I hear a whisper
through the trees ♪

♪ A little dream I had
when I was but a lad ♪

♪ That life is surely
beaten and set free ♪

♪ And now I am the king
of absolutely nothing ♪

♪ A belly that is
proud and full ♪

- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Kyle Kinane.

Hello!

Thank you, wow.

Salt Lake City, natural choice.

For profanity-laden
standup comedies.

"What's your target demo, Kyle?"

"Oh, polygamist
snowboarders, of course."

Thank you for having me
to record this special,

I do appreciate it.

I'm just happy to
be out in the world.

I'm happy to be back
doing live comedy.

We've been back for a little
while, but I just, I need this.

I can't perform comedy without
the checks and balances

of a human interaction.

You know, over the
pandemic, I was writing

what I thought was comedy,

but I didn't have this
checks and balance system.

Turns out I was just
writing little manifestos.

That's all I was writing.

I was writing little manifestos

and I wouldn't find out
about that until, like,

just weeks later, when I
would do a Zoom comedy show,

which was just the
bane of my existence,

I'd just sit there, and just
in my room, write a joke, like,

"That's perfect, I've never
written anything funnier."

And then, just sit
in the darkness for
weeks with a bottle,

and then my computer
would light up like,

"Time for Zoom comedy."

And I would just lean in.

I was just pale and too
close to the camera.

Just like every
conspiracy theorist, like,

"5G makes 'em read your mind!"

Like that was...

Just too close with,
like, one weird lamp

offset in the
background, to do comedy.

And they're like, "All
right, Kyle, you're up."

And I just say some shit like,

"The problem with the left
is that we're too empathetic

to people with
mental health issues

and that's why we'll never
produce a viable assassin."

They're like, "Oh. Hey."

You can't, that's not like, ha
ha, I get it, but you can't,

you can't say that,
not on Zoom, anyway.

They're recording this,
now you gotta explain jokes

to the FBI, is that
what you wanted to do?

Now you explain
comedy to the Feds.

Even just the minutiae
of doing live stand up,

I mean, the stuff that
comes along with it.

I'm excited to be back to
even the traveling elements.

I'll be happy, I'm excited
to be on airplanes again.

I'm sure that'll get
obnoxious soon enough,

but I just like being on there.

I like saying thank
you to the pilot

when I walk off the plane.

I like doing that.

How many people say
thank you to the pilot

when you get off the plane?

All right, it's a decent
amount, but it's not everybody.

What's wrong with you?

Why you gotta be a jerk?
That's all they want.

That's all a pilot wants.

If you fly, that's
the first thing.

As soon as they park, the door
just flies open at the front.

They're just like...

"Hey, did you notice
how we didn't all die?

You're welcome.

You're welcome for that.
I did that for you."

And we all just shuffle off in
our pajama bottoms and Crocs,

like "Don't make eye
contact with me."

So rude, that's all they want,
is a thank you for that job.

They're up there. They're
tucked in up there.

They are tucked in with
dress shoes the whole time.

And we're back there with, like,
half a boner in sweatpants,

nodding off on pills and
tiny bottles of booze.

They're wearing a goddamn
sport coat up there for you.

If you ever look in a
cockpit, it's a panic room.

It's just a chamber,
it's a chamber of anxiety

for anybody that doesn't know.

And they know, they know all
the buttons, all the switches.

They know what to do. The
windshield, that's arbitrary.

That's for us.

If a pilot sees something
wrong out the windshield,

we're dead, we're already dead.

Nobody's gonna get on a
plane without a windshield.

That's for you guys
to feel all right.

If something's going wrong
out there, we're fucked, man.

We're just straight up
fucked. I'll tell you that.

At the beginning, they get
in there and just know,

they're like, every
switch, they're like,

"Don't die, don't
die, don't die.

Will not die. We won't die here.

Won't die if I do that.

Better not die, better
not die, better not die.

Here's the big old good
luck lever. We need that.

Don't die, shit, almost,

if I didn't do this, we
would've definitely died.

Look, thank God, don't die.

And here we go, not dying."

And then we're all just
hungover, shuffling off, like

"The landing was a little
choppy, I don't know."

Meanwhile, I will
tip a Lyft driver

like an angel that
walks the earth.

I will just throw my whole
wallet at somebody, like,

"Thank you for being a
literal messenger from God

who drove me home from
the bar that I walked to

five hours ago.

You're the most blessed
angel. What's your name?

I'm gonna name my first
born child after you.

They're already
born, but they suck,

and maybe with your
name, they'll be better.

So, I'm gonna call
'em that and that's,

thank you for your service."

I've said thank you for your
service to a Lyft driver

more than I've ever
said to anybody

in an actual military uniform.

Even the little things
about traveling,

like even just
staying in hotels,

I have to stay in
hotels for this.

And I like staying in hotels.

They're always tidier than I
keep my own place. I like that.

I'm like, "Oh, that's
what a made bed...

Look at that.

It's just not this omelet of
blankets that's on top, Okay."

And don't be the per,
there's always somebody like,

"I like staying in hotels."

Somebody's like,
"Hotels are filthy.

I'm gonna show you a YouTube
video where somebody went in

with a black light."

Don't! Don't do that.

Don't be that person. I
know, I'm not an asshole.

I'm aware of what
the world is like.

Let people like what they like.

Don't think that you're better

because you ruined what
somebody else enjoys.

"Oh, you like hotels?

Don't look behind the
curtains. That's where the..."

That's the type of person that's
like, "Oh, you like shrimp?

You know that line
on the back is poop."

Shut the fuck up. Let
people like what they like.

I know that hotels can
be horrifying places,

but I don't look under the bed,

I don't do the little
dust check on stuff.

I just need the
illusion of cleanliness.

I don't look at the
pillows. God forbid.

Don't, just don't.

If you're, never look
at pillows, just do
that for yourself.

If you're a single man
in here, leave now.

Go buy new pillows.
Go right now.

You're like, "Why?"

That's why. That's why.

Go right now, you can go
to Bed, Bath & Beyond,

stop at anybody's mailbox.

Take their coupon out of it.

Get 20% off.

Doing bed laundry
in the daylight,

linens if you're classy.

I was doing my bed laundry
in the daylight sober,

so I was retaining details

and I went to
unsheathe the pillow

because you, the pillow case,

that's the case for the pillow
that preserves the pillow.

Does not, I...

I don't even know
how I got pillows.

Nobody remembers,
especially dudes,

you don't remember when
you bought pillows.

I moved to Los Angeles
in 2003 with one pillow.

Eventually I had five pillows,

At one point seven,
then down to three.

No idea, it's just like
living in a hostel.

Some, you got
friends come and go.

And I unsheathed what I
assumed to be a pillow one day

in the daylight,
and what I extracted

from that pillow case, it
had the same just texture

and patina as a wild
west wanted poster.

It was just...

It was gold and slick.

The edges were crumbly and
curled. One side was burnt.

How did that even happen?

It looked like a map
to the new world.

That's what it looked like.

It looked like it clearly,

like whatever fluids come out
of my face at night had just,

the liquid had just expanded

and then create
rudimentary coastlines

of the Americas over here.

You know, you could tell
this is how they went

from the Mediterranean to here.

This is where the old gays
went looking for spices

back in the day, that's
how we got the spots.

That's what happened when
you were gay back in the day

and you couldn't tell people
in the 1300s in Europe

that you're gay, just like,

"Me and the boys,
we're going on cruise,"

and that's, that's
how you had to be gay.

Like, "What are you gonna do?"

Like, "We're looking
for cinnamon."

That's gay, that's super gay.

But that's what they had to
do, so thank them for that.

You thank them for the spices?

This part of the pillow just
says, "Here be monsters."

That's all it says there,

just browns and
yellows and different,

and whatever does that to the
pillow comes out of my head,

comes outta my head at night,

at night when you don't
know what's happening.

Your unconscious being
protects you of the horrors

of your physical
realm at that point.

We all think like, "Oh, I
snore, but probably cute like.

Probably whimpers and wheezes.

Probably like a
new little kitten."

No, you snore like a
dragon with no lower jaw.

That's how you snore.

And you emit fluid like
a chocolate fountain

filled with mucus,
that's how we all sleep.

Just...

You snore like a fireplug
filled with pudding.

That's how you snore.

And you think you can forget
until you look at your pillow,

which is now just a sponge

that collects the memories
of your nightmares.

Just a document
of your savagery.

So anyway, I don't look at
the pillows in the hotel.

I just like stay, thanks.

I like staying in the hotels.

I lay in bed way past checkout,
that's what I like now.

Just base level excitement,
like I use words in conversation

that I don't really
know what they mean,

and that's my bungee
jumping at this point.

That's it, it's just
like, "I don't know, man,

sounds pretty ubiquitous to me.

Non-sequitur? I think
that's perfectly sequitur."

Because that's my chi, I
just like laying in bed

way past checkout and
seeing if I get caught.

That's, like,

Checkout's at noon? We'll see.

You gotta lay real still.
You gotta be real quiet.

I call it pulling an Anne
Frank. That's what I call it.

I lay there.

It's real scary when
they're in the hall. Uh oh!

I know it, okay, it's hard
to do that kind of joke

when I look like I
should be at home

plotting to kidnap a
Democratic governor, so...

Let it be known, I have to
say, I am not anti-Semitic.

I'm, like, the most
Semitic. I love 'em.

I won't go to the
Holocaust Museum though.

Nope.

Not, I'll explain.

It's not like I'm just
gonna move on the next joke.

"He let that one hang
out there for a while."

No, I don't wanna go
to the Holocaust Museum

because I am a coward.

That's it. That's simple.

I, it happened, all right.

That's not the route
I'm going with this.

It happened. I know it
happened and it was bad.

Real bad, like the worst.

And I know that and I'm too
scared to deal with the emotions

that would come with
visiting a Holocaust Museum.

Like that's a big
day. That's a wow.

You don't wanna do
anything else, okay.

And shit, maybe I'm wrong.

Does anybody here want to
go to the Holocaust Museum?

Okay, all right, okay.

And anybody who says yes,
it's always in theory,

it's never like,
"Okay, tomorrow?"

They're like, "Oh, I
didn't know tomorrow.

I have plans, but let's
put it on a calendar

and think about doing
the right thing."

No, we're all cowards
and that's okay.

Glad the Holocaust
Museum is there.

It's there for
education, and that's how

the majority of people that
go to the Holocaust Museum,

they are field trips,
which I find a tad ironic,

that, just, some, like,

"Oh, we got this
Holocaust Museum.

How are we gonna
get people in there?

Oh, we could transport 'em
in against their will."

It's like, whoa, hey.

"Has our marketing guy
even been inside yet?

Because that's like a
main thing that happened.

You can't just look
at the pictures.

You gotta read the captions.

They didn't just
love trains, man."

That one's a bit too far.

That one went,

I was kind of a hypocrite
through the whole pandemic.

Like, I...

Again, I tell you get
the vaccine, I tell
you trust science.

I went on a cruise. I went on
a cruise during the pandemic.

Yeah, all right, here it is.

Well, first off, of course,
the cruise was gonna happen.

It was a cruise. It was
a heavy metal cruise.

It was a cruise filled
with heavy metal bands.

Of course that was
gonna set sail.

Metalheads are not
scared of viruses.

Do you know metalheads?
Like old school?

They, half of them are
walking around with gonorrhea

that they got at the
original OzzFest,

and they're proud of
it, they're proud.

They're hanging onto it like
it's a sourdough starter.

They're like...

"Yeah, man, these warts saw
Randy Rhodes live, dude."

They had protocols. I did.

I forget whichever test
is where you do a test

in front of your computer and
then a doctor's watching you

from the, doctor.

I just gave a stranger
access to my webcam.

That's, this special
might not be the thing

you see on the internet
of me coming up soon.

Yeah, "I'm like, why are you
just in a bedroom too, man?

Like, be in a laboratory.

You got the same bad
lighting set up as me.

What is that, a Mudvayne
poster in the back?

You just work for the cruise.
You work for the cruise."

I got this stranger and
I'm just in my room.

He's watching me, I'm four
knuckles deep with a Q-tip

into my gray matter.

That's the closest
I'm ever gonna feel

to a camgirl, was that moment.

It's a guy just watching
me drill my orifice.

"Deeper, Daddy? Okay.

What do you want me to
do now, spin it a little?

Ooh, you're sick.
You're naughty."

They say they take
protocols, they'd be like,

"Oh, we will do an
intensive questionnaire

to make sure you're healthy."

It's when they give
you the questionnaire.

You spend all your money
to get on the boat,

then you spend your money to
fly to get to the port city,

and then your bags are packed.

They take your bags,
those are on the boat.

All your money, all
that shit's on the boat,

and there's a little
guy in a fun kiosk.

If you've never
been on a cruise,

there's a guy before
you get on the boat

and he's just a
little party guy.

Maybe he's got maracas
or something, like,

"Time to buy your
drink package."

So you have to gamble
on how much booze

you think you are gonna
drink on the cruise

before you get on the cruise,

and nobody is tame
at that point.

You're going on a cruise.

Nobody's like, "I better
go for the bronze tier.

I'm probably gonna take it
easy on the way to Cozumel."

No, everybody's like, "Fucking
diamond package, baby.

I will absolutely drink
$975 worth of alcohol

every day on this cruise."

You will not. You
absolutely will not.

By the next day, you
will have one shaky glass

of white wine in your hand,

just like, "I've at
least gotta break 150

to feel good about myself."

You're gonna poison yourself
outta your own frugality.

And now you spend
more money on that.

Now it's time to get on
the boat, here we go.

And now you're on the plank
on the way to the boat.

There's the boat, seawater
is just underneath you,

the fish and dolphins.

There's the land,
sayonara, suckers,

and that's when they hand
you the questionnaire.

That's when they expect
you to be truthful

about your ailments
in that moment.

And you, everybody,
like, nobody's,

"I got the sniffles,
always or never.

What do you want me
to say? I'm getting...

What? My parents
are first cousins.

You bet your ass they are.

Let me on this boat. There's
ziplines to be zipped!"

One of the questions is
like, "Do you have diarrhea?"

How dare you!

Do I have diarrhea?
I'm going on a cruise.

If I don't have it now,
give me 20 minutes.

In a half hour, in a half hour,

I'll be on my third crab
daiquiri of this voyage.

It is not a drink that is
included in the diamond package,

it's one that I'll
assemble myself

by getting a pitcher of
any tropical beverage

that I will then take
right to the buffet,

which I will treat like
a death row inmate.

Asparagus dipped in hot fudge,
why not? We're gonna die.

That's where I'll get
an arm full of crab legs

and hang them off the
pitcher, what for dipping.

In 45 minutes, an employee
of this cruise line

will come by the hot tub,
where I've parked myself,

and tell me to cease
my behavior immediately

because I will be
in that hot tub

playing my favorite
game of all time

called Guess the
Catch of the Day.

It's not a game, it's
really just a sex crime.

It's where I, Kyle Kinane,

I'm sitting there
swirling one crab leg

around whatever warm gin and
fruit is left in the pitcher.

I'll be wearing men's swim
trunks, the old-timey kind

where there's an outer
shell and an inner panty.

Any stranger unfortunate
enough to sit in that hot tub

with me will now be a
contestant of the game.

And I'll say, "I wonder what
the catch of the day is."

And they'll go,
"Catch of the day?"

And that's why I'll just move
the outer shell to the side,

revealing my netted genitals.

And I'll say, "Oh, it
looks like a shrimp

and two scallops today."

That's the game. Nobody wins.

Nobody wins.

Do I have diarrhea?

I'll shit off the side of
this boat if I want to.

I'll hang my lily white
ass off the mezzanine

and I will unload
into the life rafts.

Women and children
first? Be my guests.

What are you gonna
do? Turn it around?

We're an international
waters, bitch.

Don't call yourself Carnival

if you're not ready
for the implications.

I don't go on many cruises.

But that's the
thing, like, listen,

I'm gonna go onto vaccine.

I'm pro-vaccine, pro-science,

but I behave in
very anti-vax ways.

One of those is I keep
eating at Chipotle.

I know it's dangerous, and I
engage in that behavior freely.

I'm like, "It's
freedom, not fear.

I will not live in a prison
made up of your paranoia,

not while they got
that white queso dip

back on the menu anyway."

Also, Chipotle kills
people every year.

Every year Chipotle has
to have a press conference

where they're like, "Ah, yeah,

I'm surprised we're back
here again too, but,

ah, somebody pissed in the
spinach again or something.

Anyway, long story short,
we're sorry for your loss,

you know, so...

But we're gonna
make it up to you.

We're gonna offer a BOGO
every Tuesday in July.

It's for your loss.

You get an extra burrito
on account of the,

the loss, your
bereavement burritos.

Bereaved for burritos.

There's something, it'll
tie together later."

So I...

So I ate that and, like,

I can self-diagnose food
poisoning at this point.

I'm pretty familiar, I'm like,
"Ha ha, here we go again.

Dancing with this smelly
mistress another evening."

Food poisoning moves
around your torso

in a way that it's just
looking for a way out.

It's like a bank
heist went south

and their plan B wasn't
really dialed in.

You're like, "Oh, the front
doors are blocked off.

What do we do, boss?"

"I don't know, we can
tunnel out the basement

or jump off the roof,

but we're getting outta this
bitch one way or another."

That's food poisoning.

This was different. This
did not behave like this.

This just made,

this started making a
little nest for itself.

The doctor's like, "Yeah,
your appendix is inflamed.

It hasn't ruptured yet,
but just go to the ER

'cause they're gonna have
to get it outta there."

So I went to the ER, I went
to a suburban hospital.

I could tell it's suburban
because the doctor was very,

just, unimpressed with having
to do another appendectomy.

Just really, just a real
another boring day at the office

for this surgeon.

You could tell he is out
in the suburbs, like,

"Can't we get a goddamn
knife fight in this town?

I went to school for real shit."

He came in the
room I was in like,

"Yeah, I'm gonna give you a,

so we're gonna give you a
laparoscopic appendectomy."

He said that once. He
only said that one time.

Laparoscopic appendectomy,
and that was enough too,

'cause I was like,
"Woof, uh oh,"

because that's, they
charge by the syllable,

so you know it's like,

laparoscopic appendectomy
esquire the third,

pump, the brakes.

After that, he just
called it a lappy appy.

I don't know about you guys,

but I'm not a fan of
a nonchalant attitude
from a surgeon.

Say the whole word.

Earn your money, say
laparoscopic appendectomy.

He wasn't even saying it to
make me feel comfortable.

He was just saying it
out of, just, making,

shortening his job because
they were saying it

out in the hallway too.

They were just like,
"What's in room nine?"

"It's lappy appy. It's
nothing exciting."

Like, don't do cute nicknames
before the procedure.

After, if I live, we could
be adorable afterwards.

Afterwards, just shit, man,

we could put glitter on the
scars, I don't give a shit.

But beforehand, say the whole
term, make me feel safe.

I have to go under anesthesia.

People don't make it through
anesthesia sometimes.

I could still die,
even if it's routine.

What if I die? That's it.

I died without any information
about what was happening.

I just show up in heaven,

or whatever I qualify
for at this point.

I don't know, I definitely
have some strikes

against my license by now.

But anywhere you wind up
where some ethereal being

with a clipboard's
like, "Oh, man,

you weren't on the
schedule today."

And the best I
could say is like,

"I guess my lappy appy
when woopsy poopsy.

Didn't get much more
information than that, but yeah,

well, thank god it went okie
dokie, so we're here today.

Well, so I was thinking,
but like that's,

unless you have a situation
where it ruptured and inflamed,

you have an appendix
in your body right now,

doing nothing...

except maybe making
a doctor $25,000.

And they just let us,

they let babies leave
the hospital with that.

"Does this baby have an unlit
stick of dynamite in it?"

"You betcha."

There just a bunch of
walking scratch off tickets

for doctors like,

"Oh, it's my lucky day.
New set of golf clubs.

How about it? 25 grand."

Meanwhile, I was circumcised,
like, right away.

That was the thing.
That was the thing.

Like, "Oh, we can't
have him have that.

Oh, hey, we got another baby
born with too much dick."

Can't believe, you'd think
if it was unnecessary,

evolution would've
taken care of it.

No, babies keep doing too
much, too much noodle.

"Oh, should we wait
'til he's old enough

to make up his own mind?"

"Nah, nobody's ever wanted
more dick later in life."

At least not in the
United States, no.

Just an American celebrating
his freedom going,

"I guess this is all right.

Would've liked to
have a choice."

Why is that the worst thing?

Why is that the most horrible
part of a new baby boy?

"The devil's calamari.
Get it off of him!"

Why is that? Why is that?

Listen, I may have ruined
calamari for some of you,

and you know what?

Good, good, I'm glad I did.

We gotta stop eating those
animals. They're smart animals.

We gotta leave 'em alone,
those are intelligent things.

You got, I'm sorry
for the next trip

you take to the Olive Garden.

Now you don't get to
enjoy your favorite app.

"You getting a calamari?"

"Oh, well...

I just, maybe I could
eat the whole squid,

but I can't eat the rings,
I can't do the rings."

"Why not? That's the best part."

"A guy said a thing. I don't
wanna ruin your experience.

Just, I can't.

I just can't.

You're gonna dip
that in marinara?

Oh, I know we're here,

but I do not feel like
family right now."

I will say, as pro-vaccine
and I'm pro-science,

I will say that right now.

Also, I will say this,
consider the source material.

First off, I'm a comedian,

I shouldn't be a part
of anybody's research.

Ever, just ever.

But the man on the
podcast, nope. No.

Also, I will tell you
to trust the science,

but know this, I also
get sunburns every year.

Multiple sunburns, and that
science has been out there

since the sun, since...

Since the first
person has been like,

"whew, I gotta find
some shade." That's...

I ignore that
science every year.

That's the dumbest
look you could have

in a first world country

is an adult with a
sunburn just going,

"Ha ha, fuck, yeah, man.

I really thought I was gonna
get around it this year.

I was doing yard work, but
I was bobbing and weaving.

I didn't think he wasn't
gonna get me this year."

Nope, first nice day of the
year, I'm just out there like,

"You don't wanna SPF too early.

You wanna get a good base
coat, you wanna get a,

you wanna brown up even,
then you can lotion up."

Second nice day of the year,
bright red, screaming cancer,

got shoulders that look
like french bread pizzas.

Then after that, I've clearly
tried to apply sunblock,

but I've done it alone and
been too proud to ask for help,

And you can see that
because you can tell

I've just taken the tube, I
will squeeze it over my head

and just let it drizzle
down, just magic shell style,

just oozing down my face.

Just a little hot
fudge Kyle, that's all.

My head and face are
a ghoulish white,

like the holograms from the
Haunted Mansion showing up,

Ah! What you barbecuing? Bleh.

And the rest of it I
kind of pushed down

around my chest and shoulders.

My back is just a series
of violent hand prints.

Just furious slappings.

It looks like demons
tried to drag me to hell.

But thank God the
Coppertone was too slick

and they couldn't get their
talons in, praise Jesus.

Not today, Satan.

You will not capture my soul
for your demonic pits of hell.

I managed to slip away in
the flames of the underworld.

Only burnt a spiky, tribal,

Godsmack album
cover-looking thing.

Relinquish your grasp, hellions.

"You don't know what's
in those needles, dude."

That's always said by people
with the shittiest tattoos.

"You don't know what's
in those needles, dude."

It's always said
by some dude, like,

"Only God Can Judge Me"
scribbled across his chest,

did it with a guitar
string in India ink

at his cousin's pig
roast, you know?

How many "Only God
Can Judge Me" tattoos

you think have been
in a courtroom?

I'll tell you right
now. It's all of 'em.

It's every single
one of those tattoos.

Every single person who
thinks only God can judge them

has been been judged
by a terrestrial being.

"Only God can judge me.

18 months? Fuck, man."

Even beforehand, even
before the whole thing,

I just, the anti-vaxxers
kind of made me, like,

"Vaccines cause autism, man.

The vaccines are
causing autism."

Fucking, good.

We probably need
more autistic kids.

- [Audience Member] Yeah!

- They're the ones that keep
beating robots at chess.

And if you don't think

that's an incredibly
necessary individual

in this day and age,

all we do is keep getting
information over the algorithm.

That's all we do, is just like,

"Oh, accept cookies,
allow tracking.

Come on, man, I'm trying to
look at tits on this thing."

It's only a matter of
time before we're like,

"Uh oh, the machines
took over the banks

and I can't get my folding
money out to pay my bills.

What are we gonna do?

Well, we could ask Toby if
he wants to take a break

from building DNA
strands outta Legos

long enough to save
the world again.

Do you mind Toby?
We'd love your help.

We'll get you the big
chocolate milk this time."

Greta Thunberg's autistic.

She's trying to save the
Earth from ourselves,

and the best we can
come up with is,

"Ah, she's, like, a girl

and she looks weird.

She's a kid, so, nah."

Oh good, okay, I guess it's
your unvaxxed, homeschooled,

soft-boiled degenerate that's
gonna save the universe.

Yeah, that kid that's gonna
overdose at an EDM concert,

then the fight
with the paramedics

over the flat earth theory
is gonna be the one.

"Momma says on account
of her womb being dead

means I'm just an
angel for being here."

Okay, we'll trust...

Let's elect you into office.

Listen, I'm a
little burnt out on,

even on the people
that I agree with

'cause it's getting a
little too obnoxious

on both ends of the spectrum.

I'm a little sick of all
my woke friends that,

woke, they're woke,
but they insist

on having their own brand
new white babies still.

Like, you can't,

you can't be burdened with
that much white guilt, and,

you can't be like,
"We are the problem.

Anyway, here's another
one." No, you can't!

Stop flooding the market
with your shitty product.

That's not how economics work.

You don't, there's
plenty of kids out there

to upcycle right now, so
you don't need a new one,

or whatever term you wanna
slap on it to feel good.

But then they'll try
to defend and be like,

"You don't understand, Kyle, I,

we're gonna raise our
child to be a feminist."

You need to raise your
child to digest plastic.

That's who's gonna survive.
That's who's gonna live.

It's not looking good out
there. That's what you need.

"But Kyle, I wouldn't
care if my kid was trans."

You should care if
they have gills.

You need a kid that can
breathe smoke or water.

That's, you need a
plastic eating fish baby

if you want any
hopes of grandkids.

It's like, I bought this van

and the first stop with it
to kind of test it all out,

get used to it, I went
down camping with friends,

I went to Joshua Tree
National Park and, yeah, okay,

we know Joshua Tree, but also,
you know, national parks.

This is Utah. You
have, hmm, whoa, wow.

Just stuff that you're like,
"Don't anybody touch this.

This is amazing. Arches?

What's happening here? Look
at, oh, dinosaur footprints?

Oh, you mean God's
little trickster?"

Yeah, sure.

"Okay, I won't bother those."

But, you know, but that
is astonishing landscape.

Just a little further
south, Grand Canyon.

I have to rub my eyes every
time I'm there to be like,

"This is not a painting,
this is a real,

just, this is a geographic
anomaly that big

that I'm looking at."

But then you go to Joshua
Tree after seeing that stuff

and you're just like, "Ah...

No, no, I see you got,

you got the rock that's on top
of the other rock over there.

That's been, it's pretty
wild. Yeah, look at that.

Anyway, what's over this way?

Oh, bullshit. Look at
the rock that's on the...

It's on the rock and a
couple trees and, all right."

It's nice that it's there, but
it's kind of just, like, meh.

It's like a geographic
Kardashian, you know?

It's just, it's hot
and of no value,

but you somehow keep trying
to make it a thing, you know?

So, you know, and all
the honky witches from LA

and the Stevie Nicks
cosplayers go out there

and recharge their
crystals, which...

All right, I'm making fun
of it, but you know what?

If crystals make you happy,
you're not hurting anybody,

go have your special rocks.

People have rabbit's
feet, have a,

put a rock on a window
sill in the moonlight

and the next day you hold
it, you feel less anxiety,

you're not hurting
anybody, go for it.

It's weird times, we
all can extract energy

from unorthodox
sources in this world.

If you're, yeah, listen, I
get, I don't do crystals.

That's not my thing.

I find a balance and a
fairness in this world.

Just an equilibrium.

Whenever I see an
attractive person

getting on a Southwest
flight last, that's...

That's when I know that there
is some small undercurrent

of justice in this world.

You know, you just
see a supermodel, just
somebody gorgeous,

a gorgeous individual,
and then you see

that C on their boarding card

and you know they have no idea.

You're like, "Oh, honey,
you're about to learn

how the world really works.

Yeah, you got bumped off a
United flight or something,

now you're here with
the great unwashed.

This is gonna be fun."

Because they always stand
at the front of the plane

with nothing but
middle seats open.

They're just like, "I
don't, but, I can't.

But why? But what
am I gonna do?"

You're gonna rub some
elbows with some stinkers.

That's what you're gonna do.

Squeeze in here with some
slobs coming home from Vegas

and make some friends.

That's how we went out
there and just did drugs.

I mean, like, it's
like that, but not,

I don't even wanna say
it like in a woo, like,

"Do you guys do this stuff?"

I don't even, just
did mushrooms.

I just think they're
good for you.

They're good for
you psychologically.

I'm doing, yeah, okay,

and I'm not gonna preach,

I'm not gonna
proselytize about it.

Do 'em safely, do
'em around people

that have done them
before that you trust

and do 'em outside,
that's all you gotta.

Don't do 'em in an apartment
'cause you're just like,

"Fucking, the toilet,
it just has water

that goes into the Earth, man.

Anything's a wishing well if
you dream big enough, man."

"Is that where my car keys are?"

"I'm turning it into a Ferrari."

So just go, I mean, and I,
and you can have a bad trip,

but it's not, I mean, I'm
not even talking about acid.

Like I had a bad
trip on this one.

Not bad bad, but like, I just,

I was with a group
of dudes and they,

I was outnumbered as far as the
soundtrack of the trip went,

and so they wanted to
listen to jam bands

and I found a new kind
of hell for myself.

If jam bands are your
thing, good for you.

Bless your heart on that stuff.

I do not hear a jam,
I never hear a jam.

I hear five stepdads who do
not know how to end a song.

That's what I hear.

I don't care what name of
the band you tell me it is,

it's one band for
that names them all.

It's called Noodly Lou
and the Turd Herders,

and it's five dads
in cargo shorts.

And one guy wants to end it.
You know, one guy in the band.

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy, seriously though!

I got a sitter for this weekend
and shit's not cheap, dude.

I gotta...

Ryan! Ryan!

Ryan, look at me, dude.

I fucking see you, bro!

Count it down, Todd, I gotta
get the fuck outta here!

There's no end to this
joke. It just goes on.

In being faithful to
that genre of music,

the joke just goes on
until everybody's like,

"We do have to get
outta here, that really,

there's no shit on that one."

But so at the end of the
weekend, everybody left,

and, you know, after we all
just sat there frying out,

sinking in the sand,
everybody left.

I was the last one to leave
and my van did the same thing,

it sank into the sand.

Who would've thought, big
old heavy van and loose sand

wouldn't agree with each other?

But I was the last one to go,
so I'm just there by myself,

like uh oh, I'm
spinning the tires

and I'm throwing
debris under the tires,

trying to get traction.

I wish I was the guy that
knew those kind of things.

Just, "Oh, we're
just gonna leverage.

You could put some weight
on this opposite angle

and then the rear differential,

that's actually gonna
go counterclockwise

unless you grab traction,"
I'm not that guy.

I had to look up on the internet

what to say for that
part of the bit.

The guy I was, like, "They're
going, but they're not going.

It's around, but not forward"

I'm just a guy who just is
sweaty holding his phone.

Like, "I, uh,

usually this has a
lot of answers, this."

I did, I looked at my phone,

had fantastic service
out there, go figure.

Verizon, hey, what are you,
in the middle of nowhere?

Full bars.

Hey, you in an actual
city where you live

and conduct business?

Why don't you suck our dicks?

So...

It's an odd choice for
them to do that that way,

but I had full bars.

I'm like, all
right, I called AAA.

I don't know, I've been
paying them shits for years.

I think, and I, and I don't
call 'em for the little things.

Flat tire? Do it myself.

Ran outta gas? Do it myself.

I think I can call
the big favor on them,

so I'm like, all right, AAA

And they're like,
"Where are you located?"

I'm like, "Ha ha,

it's out there."

Because we weren't even in
the part of the national park

where there were still rangers.

We were just out in the
mafia burial ground.

So I was just like, "I,
there's not a lot of numbers

out here unless you
wanna count cow skulls.

I'll just, I'll drop a pin
and we'll see if that works."

And to their credit,
dropped a pin.

Within an hour, I saw
a little white AAA van

just bopping along the dirt
road that I came in on,

just come to badink,
badink, badink.

And I could see,
'cause it was a van,

so it's a big windshield.

I could see from a distance,
the guy behind the wheel

is just like...

They pull, his window is down.

The first thing he
said, he just goes,

"I can't do anything."

And I was like, "I know...

Now you're here.

Two heads better than one."

He was pissed, but
he's obligated.

So then we were
just hanging out,

two of us were just leaning
on his van, looking at my van,

neither one of us
having any answers.

And finally, after a
while, he just goes,

"I can call Garrett."

He gave me no context
to who Garrett,

he just said it like, "That's
how we're gonna do it.

We'll call Garrett. He..."

Does Garrett work for AAA too?

Maybe Garrett has an
independent towing company.

Maybe Garrett has a gun
and he's gonna come out

and he's gonna put
a bullet in my head

and you guys are gonna
split whatever you get

for selling my van, and you
can tell me that plan now

like a supervillain
'cause you know, like,

"Oh, you're gonna die, let
me tell you exactly how."

So...

But I have no choice
but to be optimistic.

So I'm like, "Oh, Garrett? Yeah.

Shit, I mean, I don't know
him, but that's a strong name.

That's a guy who
gets something done.

Garrett will get it done.

I don't know what it
is, but he'll do it.

Ah, fuck, Garrett. Yeah."

And this guy wasn't
having my shit, he goes,

"He's got a 350."

And I'm like, "Ah, man,

maybe you can get like
a 400, I don't know.

What are we talking?
I don't know.

If these numbers are important,

can you get more
of the numbers?"

He's like, "He's
also got a Cummins."

I'm like, "What's that?
Hope that's a goins."

Meanwhile, he wasn't
into the truck humor.

He wasn't feeling it.

So he shuffled off
and he called Garrett,

and within 20 minutes,
this Mad Maxian cloud

just appeared on the horizon.

Just tearing at us as if
born of the setting sun.

This was the Phoenix
that was Garrett,

and he was coming right at us.

Now, you know national parks
are very precious about them

and as they should be, they're
trying to preserve that shit,

but you get there and
they're not screwing around.

They're like,
"Stay on the trail.

Leave no trace. Pack
in what you pack out.

Don't look at any of
the animals in the face,

they can't know you're here.

Actually, we'd prefer
it if you left."

That should be the slogan
for national parks.

"Welcome to your national parks.
We'd prefer it if you left.

You're really only harming
this beautiful place."

Garrett was not
adhering to those rules.

Garrett was a firm
believer in the concept

that the quickest way
between two points

was a straight line,

so he was driving
as the crow flies,

save for a couple swerves
into the namesake shrubs.

There was a couple deliberate
moves where I could,

Garrett was driving like
somebody named Joshua

had just fucked his mother,

and he was taking it out on
your tax-funded public land.

There's a couple hard
jerks of the wheel

where you could tell he is like,

"Just 'cause your dick's in her

doesn't mean I'm
calling you dad."

So that's what
was tearing at us,

and I could see it was a truck.

Truck? Truck, truck, truck.

"Gimme a truck. I want a truck.

Taller. Taller than that.

Taller. Gimme another one.

Put it on top of that one.

Tall. Now wide.

Make it a dually, thick.
I want a thick truck.

I want a truck with sexy hips.

I want a juicy, curvy truck.
I love my curvy truck.

Gimme a thick, tall,
leggy, curvy truck.

A big ass, breedable ass.

Big, wide, breedable ass.

Something I can hang on
to when we slow dance.

Give me a big, thick,
curvy, but nuts.

Put nuts on it. Make
sure there's nuts.

Dangle some nuts.

Dangle some little nuts
off that fuckable ass.

Thick truck, thick
curvy truck with nuts.

Yeah, she'll do, she'll do.

I got her parked around
back, she'll tow it."

Don't tell me you
don't understand
pronouns at that point

when you got a big
curvy truck with nuts

that you call she and her.

"How can one thing be a they?"

Look at your truck, dude.

You fucking, you
white trashed yourself

into being progressive,
you didn't even know it.

And it was tall, and I get,
listen, and I get lift kits.

I understand that there's some
utility to having a lift kit,

especially out there, you
need ground clearance.

But you know that
some of these dudes

that are getting
lift kits, like,

they're just using altitude
to hide from alimony payments.

You can tell that some
of those guys have,

you're probably here now,
you know what you did.

You probably...

You concocted your own legal
loophole where you just,

"You can't serve me papers
if you can't reach me, dude,

that's the law,
that's just the law.

That's the law."

Just laying flat in the cab
whenever baby mamas come around

looking for money.

"Fuck, she still
out there, dude?

Ugh, what money, Charise?
Look at this exhaust system.

I don't have any money."

So that's what's coming at me.

As it gets close, I can see

that there's graphics
on the truck.

He's got graphics and
it's like a graphic,

like a wrap and it's,
the front of it,

that's all I can see
so far, it's skulls.

Skulls. Yeah, skulls.

I get it. Skulls, they're
unicorns for dudes.

Skulls!

Now I can see the side.

I see that the skull
wrap, it gives away,

it didn't like fade
to the next deal.

It was like, it was
like clawed away.

Like the bald eagle
came and like,

"You experience the
justice," and then,

because then the back half
was just, it was all text,

it was all like script,

whatever font the Constitution's
written in, I don't know.

I don't know what it's called,
Patriot Sans or whatever,

but that,

that was all over the
curvy hips of the truck.

And I'm reading,
I'm like right away,

I'm assuming probably 2A,
probably Second Amendment,

that's the kind of thing
you see on this truck.

Never really championing
the First Amendment.

You never see a bumper
sticker on a truck like that

that's just like
"Sing Your Truth."

It's never that, it's
usually some sort of

come and take it type situation.

So I'm reading it,
but as I'm reading it,

I don't see anything
about right to bear arms

or you know, defend,

I just see, shall
prevent against illegal
search and seizure

and personal property
and all that stuff.

I'm like, "That's
the Fourth Amendment.

My man Garrett has
his truck wrapped

in the Fourth Amendment."

And that's when I realized
something very specific

had happened to Garrett.

You don't just cherry
pick, you're not just like,

"I'm an American. Pick one.

I don't care. Wrap it up, dude."

Something went wrong with
Garrett for him to be like,

Fourth Amendment so
that he got, I don't,

he got busted selling
reptile eggs on the dark web.

But he found a
flaw on the warrant

and decided he could
defend himself in court.

That's the best I come up with.

He just showed up and just,
you know, saying shit like,

"Well, respectfully,
Your Honor, okay.

The warrant is looking
for Bolivian salamanders,

and if I could point
you to exhibit A,

the evidentiary photographs,
and you do not see

any Bolivian salamander
eggs here, do you?

Not to the untrained
eye, but I can tell you

that these are Honduran geckos.

Now, that is a similar spotting
for any people out there

that want, that's
a similar spotting,

but these are legal and
I believe the 13 to 18

of the lower contig, the
states that are stuck together.

As long as I fill out
the proper paperwork

at the post office, ergo,
ergo, Your Honor, respectfully,

this whole thing
should be thrown out.

Ergo respectfully."

And you can tell she had
just had enough, she's like,

"That's the third time
this week, Garrett.

No, goddammit, $75 fine."

And that's what just sent
him over the edge, like,

"Not in my America. Hell no!

You do not tread on me. I
will not be treadeth upon.

You're treading on me, I
don't wanna be treaded on,

just fucking wrap the
truck, Fourth Amendment.

I'm not putting up
with this shit no more.

You do not tread on
me. You, nobody tread.

By the way, by the way, I
do have the rattlesnake eggs

from that don't
tread on me flag,

but hit me up on my Hotmail

because the feds are monitoring
my Yahoo! account all right?

I'm still just
making up the stuff.

I've not met Garrett yet.

First impression I have
of Garrett were his feet.

I saw his feet 'cause I
was on the passenger side.

I was eye level
with the step rail.

First thing I saw of
Garrett was underneath.

I couldn't see in the truck.

I could see
underneath the truck.

I saw two little dangling
slip-on Vans tennis shoes.

That's what I saw.

Just out there, just
looking for the ground.

Just, you know.

And I do not, I,
for all the details,

I do not remember
the size of Garrett.

I don't remember
because all I know

is that if you have
to exit your vehicle

like you're leaving
a tree house,

you're gonna look
like a little fella.

You're gonna look tinier
than you really are.

But I kind of liked
him right away

because he had to take
that leap of faith

to get out of there,
and he did it.

Even without seeing him, I
could see it was a good attitude

'cause the way he came
down with a real like a,

"Ha ha, here's Garrett."

Like a real, like real ginger
outlook on him. I liked it.

So he came around the front,

and this is the first time
now I'm seeing Garrett

in his full form,
and he had this look,

you probably know
his look out here.

It's very much a west
coast kind of look.

I don't know how to
describe. It's like...

It's kinda like LA gangster,

but then it's also like
white trash kind of dude.

Not in a, but like
Suicidal Tendencies

meets Supercross
kind of look, like...

You know, it's like,
it's the tall socks

and the long shorts, but then
it's a Monster Energy shirt,

or some sort of energy
drink, and then,

but, like, the kind of
guy that you could tell,

even if he only spent one
night in jail for a DUI,

still, like, saying like,
"Back when I was incarcerated."

Like they love...

Something about the
hard C in incarcerated.

"Oh, man, when I
was incarcerated,"

like you were
there for 12 hours.

And then the face is
always too young for that.

And I'm still
scared of that look.

Whatever age, I don't care,

because even if you're not
tough, you're still crazy.

You still have,
like, sleeve tattoos

and you do weird
flips on motorcycles.

I'm not gonna fight you.

You know you have butterfly
knives that you're clumsy with,

but will still take them out.

"Fucking what, bro? What?

Flurry of chrome, dude.
Flurry of chrome."

And then the neck up, it's
always too young of a face.

It's a goatee, but you
could tell it's a goatee

that they dream
that it was bigger.

You could tell they
asked Jesus for it.

They're like, at night, just.

"Please?"

Doink. "Oh, thank you."

And the part that
throws me off the most

is that there's always
a flat-brim hat.

Flat-brim ball hat
that's way too big.

It always looks like
a Peanuts character.

And then they tuck their
ears into the side.

Do you guys know this
look I'm talking about?

All right, the ear thing
throws me off the most

because the rest of it like,
"All right, kind of a gnarly,

you know, desert tweaker,
mountain weirdo, I get it."

But then the ears in the
hat thing is always like,

now that's, like,
real Rudy vibes

that undermine the whole
toughness of the rest of it,

'cause it's like kind of tough,

kind of tough,
tough, tough, tough,

and then up here it's just like,

"Coach says once I
grow into the uniform,

I'm gonna be a real scrapper."

And that's so confusing.

Either way, that's
who stood before me.

This was Garrett.

And he didn't waste any time,
he goes, "That's your van?"

I'm like, "Yeah." He's
like, " Fucking sick" and...

Went, he just had
chains, chains, chains,

got right back into his truck,
got in, rolled some coal,

pulled me right back
onto the dirt road now.

Yeah, and that was it.
That happened that fast.

Then I was like, "Oh, shit,
this is great. I'm saved."

What I realized then is that

we had not discussed
payment yet.

Yeah, we didn't
go over that part.

Now I am in the desert and
I owe a stranger a favor.

And it's not often
that, later in life,

you get to have a
new kind of fear.

But I was like, "Uh oh, we
didn't talk about money.

I don't have cash and
I don't have grass.

I guess what I have right
now is a very open mind."

But I did have credit cards.

Garrett said, "He's like $200."

I was like, "Oh, do
you take credit cards?"

He goes, "I'll take
your credit cards."

"I meant as payment, not as
just strong-arm robbery."

He's like, "No, no I got a
Square for my phone to swipe."

I'm like, "Of course you do,

it's great service
out here of course.

Full bars. Yeah, okay."

But he's like, "$200."

I'm like, "There's no
way it's gonna be $200."

Just tell me what
you're gonna buy

when you steal my
credit card information,

I'll get it for you.

I don't wanna reset pin numbers,

just put together an Amazon
wishlist like a porn star.

I owe you. Let me hook you up."

That was it. It was $200.

There's no discrepancies on
my credit card statements,

and he got me out of there.

And that's the
end of that story,

and it should be a good end.

It is a good end in theory.

Well, the reason
it's not a good end

is because now I can't judge
dudes like Garrett anymore,

and that sucks.

At 45, you wanna be like,
"I'm set in my ways.

I got things figured out."

Now, all of a sudden,

I can't judge a book
by it's cover anymore.

And that's a drag. That's
my safe place in this world.

That's where I feel
comfortable is walking around,

thinking I got everybody
figured out and so fuck them.

That's how I feel good.

"Look at you, you
dress like an asshole.

I bet your kids don't love you.

Oof, you got a girl
pregnant in high school.

Thank God I'm better than
everybody around me."

But no, now Garrett
has to come along

and flip the script on me

and now I gotta sit behind
those trucks on the highway

and think, like, instead of
wanting to see 'em flip over

and burst into flames, I'm like,

"You might be saving
an asshole like me

from dying in the
middle of nowhere.

Godspeed, Garrett. I don't
know what to tell you."

And it's weird because
and I think the world

wants me to learn this lesson.

It's a bad character trait
to be judgmental like that.

And I know that and
I'm still that way.

Garrett, that was part
one of the lesson.

I think part two is
the fact that at 45,

I dunno if it's age or if
it's different medications

that I'm on now because
my various ailments,

I always have some
pee in my pants.

That's...

Just...

As sure as rain's wet.
I'll tell you, I always.

Not enough to go to the doctor,

but enough to keep me
humble, so I leave it there.

I leave it there because I
wanna be a better person.

It's like just a half
dollar's worth at all times.

I don't want it there.

I shake twice and then I
strangle it a little bit,

like it owes me money, like,

"We're not gonna
do the drip again."

"Nah, boss man. Nah."

And as soon as I put it back
in my pants, complete betrayal.

Just a three-lick
little cat bath

right in the front
of my underpants.

Meow, meow, meow,
just right there

on the front of the, god, guys.

Cold tip, permanent cold tip.

So between Garrett and that,

I think the universe is
trying to keep me in line,

'cause I'll still, I'll
revert to that kind of way,

where I'm like, "Look at
this asshole over here.

Oh, I bet you got a girl
knocked up in high school

and then you never
talked to her again."

And then some part
of my brain's like,

"You think he's got some
pee in his pants right now?"

"You know what? Probably not.

I don't know anything about you.

You don't know
anything about me.

Let's just get on this world
and be okay with each other."

Salt Lake City, thank
you so very much.

I can't thank you enough.

♪ As I watched the smoke
settle on the palms ♪

♪ I hear a whisper
through the trees ♪

♪ A little dream I had
when I was but a lad ♪

♪ That life is surely
beaten and set free ♪

♪ And now I am the king
of absolutely nothing ♪

♪ A belly that is
proud and full ♪

♪ Empty bottle,
empty, empty bottle ♪

♪ Empty drinks for you

- [Man] Thank you very much.