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1
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:11,444
Oscar, thank you so much
for coming in.
2
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:13,279
I need you to talk
with my maid.
3
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:17,350
Just, please.
Her name is Teresa.
4
00:00:17,384 --> 00:00:20,620
Say, "Hello, this is Oscar,
Andy's friend. How are you?"
5
00:00:23,656 --> 00:00:25,492
- She's fine.
- How are the kids?
6
00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:29,829
Ah.
7
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,232
The five-year-old is taking
swimming lessons.
8
00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:34,434
And the ten-year-old
has braces.
9
00:00:34,467 --> 00:00:35,669
- Oh.
- It's kind of cute.
10
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,537
Tell her,
"Thanks for all the hard work,
11
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:38,805
but it's not working out."
12
00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,545
I'm not firing your maid, Andy.
13
00:00:45,578 --> 00:00:48,648
I would totally fire your
English-speaking maid for you.
14
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,652
Hi, Teresa.
15
00:00:58,425 --> 00:00:59,559
She wants to know why.
16
00:00:59,592 --> 00:01:01,428
It's not unothing
or dosthings.
17
00:01:01,461 --> 00:01:02,829
It's, like, diezthings.
18
00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:05,165
She shrunk my cashmere sweater.
19
00:01:05,198 --> 00:01:07,300
She puts the peanut butter
in the fridge,
20
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:09,169
so it's, like, impossible
to spread.
21
00:01:09,202 --> 00:01:10,570
She said she'll do better.
22
00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:12,172
I've already moved on
mentally.
23
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:13,907
Just tell her that I hired
someone else.
24
00:01:13,940 --> 00:01:16,743
- She wants to know who?
- Uh, tell her that it's you.
25
00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:20,113
Say it.
26
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:24,818
Teresa, hi.
27
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,492
Ah, man.
28
00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:36,229
That is the hardest part
of my job.
29
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,669
Oh, she still has my keys.
30
00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:44,270
Oscar! Oscar!
31
00:01:44,304 --> 00:01:47,307
{\an8}
32
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:54,280
{\an8}* *
33
00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,672
- Today isthe test launch day
34
00:02:18,705 --> 00:02:20,507
for the inaugural Sabre Store.
35
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:21,908
* Brr brr brr brr brr *
36
00:02:21,941 --> 00:02:23,276
And I, Dwight Schrute,
37
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:25,779
am in charge
of the entire operation.
38
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:27,514
If I can prove myself today
39
00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:28,882
and the storeis a hit with the media
40
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,784
and Nellie sees this,
41
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,786
{\an8}the vice presidency
is mine.
42
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,254
{\an8}- Are you holding this chair?
Yes.
43
00:02:34,287 --> 00:02:35,722
{\an8}- 'Cause I feel like
I'm gonna fall off.
44
00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:37,257
{\an8}- Yes. Yes.
I'm not wearing
45
00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:38,792
{\an8}- the right shoes for this.
We went over this, okay?
46
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,527
{\an8}Your tiny fingers
make the best knots.
47
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:41,795
{\an8}Don't be a baby.
48
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,764
{\an8}In my entire life, I have only
had a few dreams.
49
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,533
{\an8}One is to maintain
50
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:48,735
{\an8}a family-run, working
inorganic beet farm.
51
00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:49,936
{\an8}Check.
52
00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:52,005
{\an8}- Two is to rise up--
Aah!
53
00:02:52,038 --> 00:02:54,974
{\an8}I told you I was gonna fall!
I think I sprained my ankle.
54
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,543
{\an8}- Okay, you're more embarrassed
than hurt.
55
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:59,012
{\an8}- No, I'm hurt
and not embarrassed, actually.
56
00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:01,281
{\an8}- We'll buy you a crepe,
come on, come on.
57
00:03:01,314 --> 00:03:02,849
{\an8}- All right.
All right.
58
00:03:02,882 --> 00:03:03,850
{\an8}Crepe break.
59
00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:05,418
{\an8}Hey, strangers.
60
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:07,487
{\an8}So stoked
for the Sabre Store opening.
61
00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:13,326
{\an8}Hey, my name's Tabitha.
62
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,828
{\an8}I'm camped out in front
of the Sabre Store
63
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,397
{\an8}so I can be first in line
for the new pyramid.
64
00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,666
{\an8}Psst. It's me, Erin.
65
00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:22,335
{\an8}Dwight had me pretend
to be a hipster to create hype,
66
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:23,570
{\an8}and it's working.
67
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:25,872
{\an8}There's already people
camped out behind me.
68
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,677
{\an8}
69
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,045
{\an8}Good morning, everyone.
70
00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:33,179
{\an8}- Oh, Andy, guess what happened
to me this morning.
71
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,582
{\an8}- Don't care. Tell me later.
Listen, it's important.
72
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:36,750
{\an8}You got to hear this.
73
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:40,620
{\an8}- What do you got?
Oh, my God.
74
00:03:40,653 --> 00:03:42,989
{\an8}- Do you have a black eye?
Yes, I do, Phyllis.
75
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,958
{\an8}- I woke up at 4:00 a.m.
by accident,
76
00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:46,860
{\an8}in time for the paper
to be delivered.
77
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,428
{\an8}Guess what.
78
00:03:48,461 --> 00:03:51,865
{\an8}It's not a kid on a bike.
It's a man in a car.
79
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,299
{\an8}Andy, who punched you?
80
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:54,401
{\an8}Yeah, he was just driving
81
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:55,869
{\an8}right down the middle
of the street,
82
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,837
{\an8}throwing papers
out of both windows,
83
00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:58,872
{\an8}like he didn't care.
84
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,006
{\an8}- Andy, are you
in a fight club?
85
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:03,309
{\an8}- I own the DVD, actually.
It's funny you should ask.
86
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:05,378
{\an8}I have the--I have the box,
87
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,580
{\an8}but I can't find the DVD--
it's somewhere.
88
00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:09,382
{\an8}Hey, I was on the can.
89
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,884
{\an8}What's this about a black guy
in the office?
90
00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,752
{\an8}Black eye, Meredith.
91
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:14,587
{\an8}- Will someone please explain
what's going on here?
92
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:16,489
{\an8}Since the interesting thing
happened till now,
93
00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:19,793
{\an8}so much time has passed,
it's like my life is buffering.
94
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:22,429
{\an8}Here's what happened.
95
00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:24,030
{\an8}Pam and I were arriving
for the day,
96
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:26,700
{\an8}and there was a gang
in the parking lot
97
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:28,802
{\an8}on bikes,
on--on motorcycles.
98
00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:31,371
{\an8}And they just werehassling Pam...
99
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,807
{\an8}- That's true.- They had, uh...
100
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,408
{\an8}- Weapons.- Weapons.
101
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,911
{\an8}- I just stepped in to talksome sense into them.
102
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:41,014
{\an8}- But these were not the kindof people who use their words.
103
00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:44,050
{\an8}- Punches were going,and I ducked a few,
104
00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:46,653
{\an8}landed a couple,and I was fighting them off.
105
00:04:46,686 --> 00:04:49,656
{\an8}It was totally, like--
like, senseless crime.
106
00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:51,391
{\an8}- Thank goodness he was there.
Good job, Andy.
107
00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:53,727
{\an8}-
Hey, I'm no hero.
108
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,830
{\an8}I didn't do anything
any of you wouldn't have done.
109
00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,100
{\an8}A line formed already,
110
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,935
{\an8}and the store doesn't even open
for an hour.
111
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,703
{\an8}I hope there's no trampling.
112
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:06,906
{\an8}The last thing we need is
someone trampled to death.
113
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,675
Can you imagine...
114
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,011
all over the news?
115
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,132
Test launch day, people.
116
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,000
I don't know about you, but
I went to church
117
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,635
- to pray today this morning.
- Oh, my God.
118
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,470
We have so much in common.
I was there as well.
119
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,706
Did you? Which church
did you go to? I went.
120
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,575
It was--it was one that was
predominantly Latino.
121
00:05:42,609 --> 00:05:43,309
You've never heard of it.
122
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,811
I went
to a Latino church, too.
123
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:46,146
Which one did you go to?
124
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:50,517
La Iglesia de Dios y Jesús
y María y José.
125
00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:52,085
Y José, that's the one
I went to.
126
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:53,720
Yes. What pew were you in?
127
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:56,423
Jim, you were not there,
because I just made it all up.
128
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,126
- But I was there.
- I don't care.
129
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,861
It doesn't matter.
I've moved on.
130
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:03,463
I didn't really go
to church today.
131
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:05,532
I just said that for effect,
all right?
132
00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:08,468
Now, I would like
to fill you in
133
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:12,772
on a little secret about me
to inspire you today.
134
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:13,873
Now, I know you probably
all think
135
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,742
I'm this patrician goddess.
136
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,844
But here's the truth.
137
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:21,214
I was born in the little
working-class town of Basildon,
138
00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:23,483
and until the age of 32...
139
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:25,151
I talked like this,
140
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,887
which was
bloody horrendous, innit?
141
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,622
I came from dirt--
142
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,691
No, lower than...
143
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,193
What's lower than dirt?
144
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,995
Loam, magma, mantle,
outer core, inner core.
145
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,997
Yeah, thank you.
Loam.
146
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,799
Bloody loam, I came from.
147
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:41,601
I hit rock bottom.
148
00:06:41,634 --> 00:06:42,969
When I auditioned
for the Spice Girls,
149
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,137
I didn't even get
a callback.
150
00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:45,638
Which Spice Girl?
151
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,007
The Black one.
152
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,908
I never stood a chance.
153
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,744
Okay.
154
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:52,645
Now, think about
my journey here today,
155
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:56,149
and let it inspire
your journey.
156
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:57,784
Okay.
Nellie, thank you.
157
00:06:57,817 --> 00:06:59,019
- Thank you so much.
- Yep.
158
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:00,587
Today is press day,
159
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:03,990
and press is gonna make
or break this store.
160
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,559
And for a tech company,
press can only mean one thing--
161
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:07,794
bloggers.
162
00:07:07,827 --> 00:07:10,096
Dossier on bloggers.
163
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,966
Bloggers are gross.
Bloggers are obese.
164
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:14,934
Bloggers have halitosis.
165
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,203
You're gonna love 'em.
166
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,808
So Jim and I had
an experience
167
00:07:21,841 --> 00:07:23,677
in his hotel room.
168
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,612
This is so awkward.
169
00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:27,747
We just need to have
a conversation to clear the air
170
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,250
and figure out what it is that
we both want from this.
171
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,019
You remember that crazy girl
in high school?
172
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:35,955
Well, imagine if she went to
college and majored in crazy,
173
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,691
and then she went
and worked real hard
174
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,592
to get her doctorate
in bonkers,
175
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,728
and then after her internship
at the loony bin
176
00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:44,064
ended up working at the desk
next to yours.
177
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,832
And her name's Cathy.
178
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:48,068
Well, that's Cathy.
179
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,737
Ryan is going to be
the main event today.
180
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,972
He is the pitchman
who is going to give
181
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,108
the feisty,
yet profound speech
182
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:56,743
worthy of a world's fair.
183
00:07:56,776 --> 00:07:57,610
Ryan, you ready to do this?
184
00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,546
When people
see this presentation,
185
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:00,980
they're gonna
In their pants.
186
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,182
- Okay.
- Come on, man.
187
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,817
Seriously disgusting.
188
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,785
Cathy, you will be the hot
girl who talks to bloggers.
189
00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,187
Ugh.
Kill me.
190
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,722
That was my idea.
191
00:08:08,755 --> 00:08:10,590
Packer, you will be
the sexual predator
192
00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:12,992
who has come to prey
on the trendy teenage girls
193
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,794
who are obsessed
with the pyramid.
194
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:15,995
- Uh...
- Uh...
195
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:17,664
that is excellent.
196
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:19,733
I don't see what that gets
us, but I'm a team player.
197
00:08:19,766 --> 00:08:20,900
Perfect casting, right?
198
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,268
Schrute's out to get me.
199
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,170
But I'm playing
the long game.
200
00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:25,638
As soon as he messes up,
201
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,675
I swoop in like
a sexual predator.
202
00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:30,610
Erin, you will be
the disaffected hipster
203
00:08:30,643 --> 00:08:32,746
who has learned to give a damn
because of the pyramid.
204
00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:34,614
And, Stanley, I'm gonna need
you to pretend to be
205
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,282
renowned singer-songwriter
Lenny Kravitz.
206
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,751
- Oh.
- Jim.
207
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,786
Stanley looks nothing like
Lenny Kravitz.
208
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:42,989
Jim, must you undermine
every single little--
209
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,691
This is Lenny Kravitz.
210
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,628
Oh, dear God.
211
00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:50,930
People say I look
like John Legend.
212
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,332
Okay, can I say
something here?
213
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,334
I know it's not my place,
but I have a suggestion--
214
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,636
oh, go ahead, little girl.
Find your voice.
215
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,672
I would believe that he's
Al Roker's brother.
216
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,708
Done.
Perfect lookalike.
217
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:02,976
Thank you.
218
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:05,311
If I'm gonna be someone's
brother, how about John Legend?
219
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,847
Okay, has anyone been part
of an opening before?
220
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,983
There is a chance
221
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:13,053
today could be total chaos...
222
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:15,922
if we get everything right.
223
00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:19,626
We need people to believe
anything is possible.
224
00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:23,196
The square
is a very entrenched form.
225
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:26,132
I want to create
a sense of wonder
226
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,834
and enthusiasm
227
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:32,205
as if, at the end of "E.T.",
candy poured out of the screen.
228
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,207
Do you understand?
229
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:37,210
I want to get goose pimples.
230
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,945
Speaking of pimples,
231
00:09:38,978 --> 00:09:41,648
let's release the bloggers!
232
00:09:41,681 --> 00:09:43,350
How can we feel safe knowing
that there are gangs here?
233
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:45,151
We should call the police
right now!
234
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,286
- No!
- Yes!
235
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:48,688
No, no, no, no, no, we don't
need to call the police.
236
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,390
They'll just ask everybody
questions,
237
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,425
get up in everyone's business,
right, Pam?
238
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:55,295
Police are a hassle.
We settled this on the street.
239
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,365
And my eye will heal,
but if the police come,
240
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,834
then we will forever
stain our neighborhood
241
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:01,968
as a troubled area.
242
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,236
Why would you care
243
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,372
what the police think
of our neighborhood?
244
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:07,974
Because Ihave
neighborhood pride.
245
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,676
1-8-5-0-5.
246
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:11,177
- 1-8-5-0-5.
- Guys, guys.
247
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,246
That's so vague.
248
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,281
You got to do the zip plus 4.
249
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,916
1-8-5-0-5...
250
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,352
dash 7-4-2-7!
251
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,354
Look, I don't feel safe.
252
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,390
I think we should
call the police.
253
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:25,091
Exactly.
We need to feel safe,
254
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,227
which is why...
255
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:31,464
Toby is teaching us
self-defense.
256
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:32,899
Me?
257
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,300
Toby, will you teach us
self-defense?
258
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,003
Yeah. Um...I can't
believe you remembered
259
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,005
I do self-defense.
260
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:41,007
Um, I'll go put on my cup.
261
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,742
Great.
262
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:44,711
{\an8}Open the gates!
263
00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:48,281
There's plenty for everyone.
No need to panic.
264
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,417
- There's plenty for everyone!
- Quit it!
265
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:51,951
There's plenty!
Don't stampede.
266
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,787
No need to stampede, sir.
267
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,056
- I was ahead of you!
- Okay, okay, hey, hey!
268
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:57,891
It's gonna be fine.
269
00:10:57,924 --> 00:11:00,493
It's gonna be fine.
There's plenty of pyramids.
270
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,328
Come on.
I was in line before you.
271
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,731
So you're a blogger,
right?
272
00:11:04,764 --> 00:11:06,966
Yeah. Blogger.
273
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,903
God, stay away.
274
00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:12,305
Oh, I always get in trouble
around bloggers.
275
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:15,375
I'm trying to be
a good girl for once.
276
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,310
Uh, yeah, I already
bought my pyramid,
277
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,778
but I don't want to leave yet.
278
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:20,747
I haven't had so much fun
since seeing...
279
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:23,950
Zoo-ey Desh-channel at the
Couch-arilla Music Festival.
280
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:25,318
So fun.
281
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,953
- Yes!
- Okay.
282
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:29,022
I wasn't sure which one
of you was Chuck!
283
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:31,324
Yeah, no, it seems
to be going great.
284
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,361
Andy got beat up
by a fifth-grade girl?
285
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,029
Look at that guy.
286
00:11:36,062 --> 00:11:37,931
He's got his Sabre phone on,
and he's not even using it.
287
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:41,468
This is a perfect photo
for my "Daily Fail" blog.
288
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,837
Uh, I-I got to go.
Okay.
289
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:46,339
Dwight, what is a fail?
That sounds bad.
290
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,941
Oh, no, no, no.
It's good.
291
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:50,343
It's really--on the Internet,
it's a really--
292
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,479
that's a really good,
good thing.
293
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:54,414
Are you trying to sabotage
this entire event?
294
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:55,782
I'm very sorry.
295
00:11:55,815 --> 00:11:58,952
We gave you
an Arrowhead for free
296
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:00,353
for the day.
297
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,789
How hard would it have been
298
00:12:02,822 --> 00:12:04,224
to do this, hmm?
299
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,826
"Hello. Hi, sweetie.
It's Jim.
300
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,895
"I'm calling you
from the new Arrowhead,
301
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,563
"which is why my voice
is crystal clear,
302
00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:12,265
"and my hand
won't ever get tired
303
00:12:12,298 --> 00:12:14,501
because
of the ergonomic shape."
304
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,803
I'm really sorry.
Is there anything I can do?
305
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:18,405
Maybe pretend
to be Chuck?
306
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,006
You could have pretended
to be Chuck.
307
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,574
I begged you to pretend
to be Chuck,
308
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,176
but you chose
to be yourself,
309
00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:24,944
and you can no longer
be Chuck!
310
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:27,013
Surrender the tripack.
311
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:34,421
You know what
you have to do.
312
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:42,462
Point it towards
the store, idiot!
313
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,138
You know what I mean?
314
00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:27,607
One of these buttons is--
315
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,243
Damn it.
Take over.
316
00:13:30,276 --> 00:13:32,946
Oh, hey, hey, hey,
you guys, you must be lost.
317
00:13:32,979 --> 00:13:34,981
Listen.
Excuse me, sir.
318
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,516
Yeah, the fountain where
you can feed the pigeons
319
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:37,484
is out behind the bank.
320
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,919
Tell your great-grandson
to bring his kid by.
321
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:42,055
Okay. So long.
Here we go.
322
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:44,057
Erin! Psst!
Come on!
323
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:46,059
The elderly suck the life
out of the young.
324
00:13:46,092 --> 00:13:47,394
Get them out of here!
325
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,629
- We are closed! Come on.
- Nothing to see here.
326
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:53,266
Self-defense is not
some fun boxing match, okay?
327
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:55,001
This is about escaping
with your life.
328
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:59,139
So...strike,
scream, and run.
329
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,642
All right?
Let's try it.
330
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,048
That may have been
my fault.
331
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:09,349
What the hell, Toby?
332
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,551
Okay, look,
in a real crisis situation,
333
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:14,254
you're not gonna
have time to think, okay?
334
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:16,356
So just remember,
I-A-A-T-G.
335
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:18,658
"It's all about the groin."
336
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:22,262
- How about just G for "groin"?
- Or just "groin"?
337
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,397
I-A-A-T-G, okay?
It's not that hard.
338
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:28,368
What if you're being
attacked by a...
339
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,136
smallish man
340
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,138
who happens to not
have a groin?
341
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,174
I don't think
that's very common.
342
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:37,210
What if you're being attacked
by a 4'11" man
343
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:38,244
who's penis-less?
344
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:39,479
Why are you fixated
345
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:42,148
on this hypothetical
transgendered attacker?
346
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:43,516
Why don't we start
with the basics?
347
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,518
Show us how to defend ourself
against a baby
348
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,421
and then, like,
a fifth-grade girl,
349
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,190
and then, you know,
if we have time,
350
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,491
on up to a scary man.
351
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,326
Well, the most common
scenario
352
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,029
is a larger man
attacking a smaller female.
353
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,031
So, in that scenario,
354
00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,667
what if the victim
355
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,470
sucker-punches the attacker
in the face?
356
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:06,439
What can the attacker then do
to better protect himself?
357
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,475
It's interesting
that you're drawn
358
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:10,477
to the point of view
of the attacker.
359
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:13,179
You would like
"The Turn of the Table."
360
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:14,614
Okay, the latest
Chad Flenderman novel...
361
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,117
Based from the point of view
362
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,419
of his nemesis,
Dr. Lucifer Wu.
363
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,721
Can I please leave?
I have a rape flute.
364
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,457
All right, well, let's try
one simple technique together.
365
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,559
Why doesn't everyone stand?
Okay, so...
366
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,461
you're being attacked.
You got your hands up.
367
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:30,697
Simple palm strike
to the chin.
368
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,033
Up to the chin.
One, two.
369
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:35,001
all: One, two.
370
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,003
- One, two.
- Take that, kid.
371
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:39,639
What's interesting is,
Al used to hate the weather.
372
00:15:39,673 --> 00:15:42,342
Hated it. He'd break
any thermostat he say.
373
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,477
You say you're a Roker?
374
00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:47,213
Yeah. Matt Roker.
Nice to meet you.
375
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:48,348
I happen to know
376
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,583
that Al Roker's brother's name
is Chris.
377
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,352
I'm the one
they don't talk about--
378
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,753
the joker Roker.
379
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:56,489
Ah, fine.
I'm not a Roker.
380
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,391
I'm just trying to cover up
for the fact
381
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,294
that I'm Raven-Symoné's
father--Toucan-Symoné.
382
00:16:01,327 --> 00:16:04,564
You know Raven can bench
her own weight?
383
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,701
That girl has always been the
strongest one in the family.
384
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:12,672
Mom, you came--
385
00:16:12,706 --> 00:16:15,308
I'm sorry. I thought
you were somebody else.
386
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,546
I really miss Scranton.
387
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,782
Ah. Every night here I get
drunk, and I watch porn.
388
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,317
And for some reason,
389
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:26,619
I just don't enjoy it
the way I did in Scranton.
390
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,689
Cathy, I would like
to introduce you
391
00:16:29,723 --> 00:16:31,157
to Fatty Gruesome.
392
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,493
He is a freelancer
for "WIRED" magazine.
393
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,528
Patty Grossman.
I'm a woman.
394
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:37,163
But you still work
for "WIRED," right?
395
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:38,298
- Yes.
- Good!
396
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,368
Okay. Flirt away.
397
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,203
Sorry about
kicking you out.
398
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:46,373
It's just we don't want our
brand associated with death.
399
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,508
It's okay.
I'll go to the Costco
400
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,443
and search for handsome men.
401
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,779
You're not married yet?
402
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,314
Oh, I was.
403
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,816
My husband was my best friend.
404
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,518
He passed away.
405
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,255
My best friend
was my boss Andy.
406
00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:03,823
We dated for a while,
407
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:07,260
but since then, he rejected me,
and we're not really friends.
408
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:09,729
Someone rejected you?
409
00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:12,832
With that body
and those bazongas?
410
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,167
Forget him!
411
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,736
Yeah!
Forget him!
412
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:19,239
And you should forget
your husband.
413
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,840
Well...
414
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,375
Sabre.
415
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:24,678
It's time to come home.
416
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,382
Yeah.
417
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:30,817
Yeah. I mean, I think...
418
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,619
it seemed like you were
a little nervous.
419
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:34,621
Yeah, no, Sherlock!
Can somebody please tell me
420
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:35,889
something encouraging
about this presentation
421
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:38,358
before I go out there in front
of a million people and do it?
422
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,260
I know, I know, champ,
just calm down,
423
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:41,728
because listen...
424
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:43,530
when you're out in front
of all those people...
425
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,465
- Yeah, what?
- You just need to realize...
426
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:49,202
- Yeah.
- So much rides on this.
427
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,471
- You have no idea.
- Dwight.
428
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,606
I'm trying to make him
feel important.
429
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,608
God. I wish Kelly
were here.
430
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,277
She always knew
what to say.
431
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,579
Um...
432
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:02,716
Oh, Ryan, you're so smart.
433
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,484
You're smarter than
Mark Zuckerberg
434
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,752
and those Google guys
all combined.
435
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:08,655
- Hee hee hee.
- You're so ignorant.
436
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,290
You barely know
what you're talking about.
437
00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:12,325
That's so ridiculous.
438
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,561
You really need
to read a couple books.
439
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,830
What's a book?
440
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:19,432
Oh, my God.
You're so embarrassing.
441
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:22,435
My mom would say
the best stuff, though.
442
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,710
You can...
443
00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:32,445
You can do it, Ryan.
444
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:34,781
And you know
that I'm capable of this.
445
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:37,384
You're the only one
who can do it, s-sweetie.
446
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,519
What did you think
of the presentation?
447
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:42,355
I thought it was great,
sweetie.
448
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:43,723
I would just fix
that one--
449
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:45,792
Oh, "fix" means you hate it!
I knew it!
450
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,794
- I need something to drink!
- Jim, get him a water.
451
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,596
No, not a water.
A sports drink.
452
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,398
I hate everything
in that fridge.
453
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,932
Not red--get me something
yellow or green
454
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,367
from a nearby store.
455
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,236
- Okay.
- Not red!
456
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:57,504
Why are you just
standing there?
457
00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:58,838
Go to a nearby store
458
00:18:58,872 --> 00:19:00,874
and get him a yellow
or green sports drink!
459
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,679
Now, if your attacker
is willing to defile a corpse,
460
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,914
you better stop playing dead
right away
461
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,983
and just make it known
that you're alive.
462
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,818
Forgive me
for interrupting.
463
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,319
I believe my daughter
464
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:14,888
had an altercation
with somebody here,
465
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,657
some fancy gentleman
with a squeaky voice?
466
00:19:17,691 --> 00:19:19,693
I think you guys
might have the wrong office.
467
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,761
That's him...
the guy I hit.
468
00:19:21,795 --> 00:19:24,698
- What?
- You got to be kidding me.
469
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,566
Poor Andy!
470
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,735
First you got beat up
by a gang,
471
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:31,604
- and now she kicks your ass?
- No, Kevin--
472
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,406
What about the lady you hit
with a pine cone?
473
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,874
There.
That chubby one.
474
00:19:34,908 --> 00:19:37,310
I just had a baby.
475
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:39,312
- Yesterday?
- Wow.
476
00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:40,847
Apologize.
477
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,349
Sorry I kicked your ass
478
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,351
in front of your "thin"
girlfriend.
479
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:45,552
How 'bout we wait
till next year
480
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:46,453
after you have your kid?
481
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:49,322
You know what?
Tiffy's going to college.
482
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:50,590
Listen, I don't know
483
00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:51,991
what you guys
are talking about,
484
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,793
but I guess I'll just
accept your apology
485
00:19:53,827 --> 00:19:55,562
so we can get on
with our day.
486
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,897
Sorry I punched you.
487
00:19:57,931 --> 00:20:00,800
And I promise
I'll take it off Facebook.
488
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:02,502
It's on Facebook?
489
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:05,605
There we go.
God bless.
490
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,407
Friend of mine
uses your paper.
491
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,009
You do good work.
492
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:11,544
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
493
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,013
So, Toby, I think we should
do a different
494
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:14,781
self-defense seminar--
495
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,550
"how to protect ourselves
against tiny little girls."
496
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:20,620
There's no shame in getting
beaten up by a girl.
497
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,689
My ex-wife
used to demolish me.
498
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,491
No, there is shame
in it, okay?
499
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:25,892
We have
to draw the line somewhere.
500
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,728
Oh, my God, I think I see
the imprint of a Ring Pop.
501
00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:29,796
Oh...
502
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:33,867
- Hey.
- Hey.
503
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,502
How's it going?
504
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,370
Ah, I always do well
with nerds.
505
00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:40,507
Yeah.
506
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:43,576
So a little birdy told me
you're kind of a nympho.
507
00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:47,647
Look, don't feel bad
'cause Jim rejected you.
508
00:20:47,681 --> 00:20:49,516
That dude's queer for his wife.
509
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:52,752
I'll pound you
no questions asked.
510
00:20:52,786 --> 00:20:53,853
Okay, ew.
511
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,490
Think about it.
512
00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:02,929
Thai food.
513
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:04,397
Have you seen Erin?
514
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:05,865
I'm on break.
515
00:21:08,568 --> 00:21:10,804
Oh, God!
No, hey, bloggers,
516
00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:12,372
where do you think
you're going?
517
00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:13,807
No, no, no, you got to stay
for the big presentation.
518
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:15,075
We got
this young whiz kid--Ryan.
519
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,976
He's like an even more handsome
Bill Gates.
520
00:21:17,010 --> 00:21:17,844
When's the presentation?
521
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:19,646
It's moments away.
Just stay here!
522
00:21:19,679 --> 00:21:21,781
Hey, Uncle Lucas,
it's your nephew Ryan.
523
00:21:21,815 --> 00:21:23,717
Honestly, I could use
a prescription
524
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,952
for Ritalin right now.
525
00:21:25,985 --> 00:21:29,656
Well, I know you did one
for Aunt carol.
526
00:21:29,689 --> 00:21:31,791
Oh, so it's different
because it's your wife?
527
00:21:31,825 --> 00:21:33,860
Well, that doesn't make
any sense to me.
528
00:21:33,893 --> 00:21:35,695
- How you doing?
- Don't talk to me right now.
529
00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,364
I'm sorry,
I know you're my boss,
530
00:21:37,397 --> 00:21:40,700
but seriously, you need to get
the hell out of my face.
531
00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:42,569
What I don't understand
is why...
532
00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:45,538
Your little man
is unraveling.
533
00:21:45,572 --> 00:21:47,440
Now, go and fix it.
534
00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:49,609
It's been
a tough couple months.
535
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:52,078
My roommate moved in
with her boyfriend.
536
00:21:52,112 --> 00:21:53,480
Whoa.
537
00:21:53,513 --> 00:21:56,449
Drama.
538
00:21:56,483 --> 00:21:58,651
I can't afford
my condo anymore.
539
00:21:58,685 --> 00:22:01,654
Alone, it's a fortune.
540
00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:04,891
If you don't mind me asking,
how much was her rent?
541
00:22:04,924 --> 00:22:07,427
$80 a month.
542
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:08,928
- What?
- I know.
543
00:22:08,962 --> 00:22:10,130
Highway robbery.
544
00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:13,466
And you can't bolt the door
unless you're Jack LaLanne.
545
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,735
I can't sleep, I'm so worried.
546
00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:21,941
How long has he
been in the bathroom?
547
00:22:21,975 --> 00:22:22,976
- Like, ten minutes.
- Jeez!
548
00:22:23,009 --> 00:22:25,178
What's he doing in there?
549
00:22:25,211 --> 00:22:27,414
Oop, that's my phone.
Am I allowed to answer it,
550
00:22:27,447 --> 00:22:29,616
- or are you gonna freak out?
- Are there bloggers around?
551
00:22:29,649 --> 00:22:31,651
It's Ryan.
"I'm sorry. I lied.
552
00:22:31,685 --> 00:22:33,753
"I'm not in the bathroom.
I can't do it.
553
00:22:33,787 --> 00:22:36,589
I need to see my mom.
I'm going home."
554
00:22:36,623 --> 00:22:40,026
What is the delay here?
555
00:22:40,060 --> 00:22:41,628
Where's Ryan?
556
00:22:41,661 --> 00:22:43,163
Why is he not here?
557
00:22:43,196 --> 00:22:45,899
I had to send him home.
558
00:22:45,932 --> 00:22:48,635
As brilliant and creative
as he is,
559
00:22:48,668 --> 00:22:50,470
he is nothing...
560
00:22:50,503 --> 00:22:53,640
- compared to this guy!
- Uh...
561
00:22:53,673 --> 00:22:54,774
- What?
- That's right.
562
00:22:54,808 --> 00:22:56,443
Will you just give us
a second?
563
00:22:56,476 --> 00:22:57,577
You are gonna
bloody ruin it.
564
00:22:57,610 --> 00:22:59,479
You're gonna bloody ruin it
because you're a no-good,
565
00:22:59,512 --> 00:23:01,781
- half-ass, cockeyed...
- Okay.
566
00:23:01,815 --> 00:23:03,650
- That's--
- Jim--
567
00:23:03,683 --> 00:23:04,984
I'm not doing
the presentation.
568
00:23:05,018 --> 00:23:06,619
Look at me.
Look at me!
569
00:23:06,653 --> 00:23:08,655
Look...at...this...face.
570
00:23:08,688 --> 00:23:10,523
This is not the face
of a performer.
571
00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,192
This is the face
of a scary apparition
572
00:23:12,225 --> 00:23:14,094
you see before you die.
573
00:23:14,127 --> 00:23:18,064
I'm telling you...
if you don't do this...
574
00:23:18,098 --> 00:23:21,201
I don't stand a chance.
575
00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,003
Please, Jim.
576
00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:30,610
Okay. I'll do it.
577
00:23:30,643 --> 00:23:31,978
Oh, my God.
578
00:23:32,012 --> 00:23:34,781
O...kay!
579
00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:36,683
Go get into Ryan's costume
and check out his notes.
580
00:23:36,716 --> 00:23:38,518
- A costume?
- Of course there's a costume!
581
00:23:40,587 --> 00:23:41,955
Oh, this is gonna be great.
582
00:23:41,988 --> 00:23:43,957
There's nothing like
some last-minute changes
583
00:23:43,990 --> 00:23:46,092
to really energize
a presentation.
584
00:23:46,126 --> 00:23:47,727
Huh?
585
00:23:58,238 --> 00:24:01,508
Did you pass out in there?
What is taking so long?
586
00:24:01,541 --> 00:24:03,643
I've been in here
for 20 seconds.
587
00:24:03,677 --> 00:24:04,878
Hurry up.
Let me in.
588
00:24:04,911 --> 00:24:06,613
I want to watch you
get dressed.
589
00:24:06,646 --> 00:24:08,014
Did you find the eyeliner?
590
00:24:08,048 --> 00:24:10,016
I'm not wearing eyeliner.
591
00:24:10,050 --> 00:24:12,652
You are
wearing eyeliner, Jim.
592
00:24:15,655 --> 00:24:21,628
* *
593
00:24:21,661 --> 00:24:24,297
Time. Space.
594
00:24:24,330 --> 00:24:25,432
Gender.
595
00:24:25,465 --> 00:24:27,901
There are no rules anymore.
596
00:24:27,934 --> 00:24:29,936
All boundaries
are breaking down
597
00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:33,773
in the wake
of the infinite future.
598
00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,975
The only thing that--
599
00:24:36,009 --> 00:24:38,011
the only thing that remain--
600
00:24:38,044 --> 00:24:40,080
the only thing that remains
are the things
601
00:24:40,113 --> 00:24:41,948
that have stood
the test of time--
602
00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,950
love, values,
603
00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:46,786
and, of course, the pyramids--
604
00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:49,889
the strongest shape
ever constructed,
605
00:24:49,923 --> 00:24:53,993
a shape that fits
all other shapes inside of it.
606
00:24:54,027 --> 00:24:55,328
No, that--
607
00:24:55,362 --> 00:24:56,629
It's true.
608
00:24:56,663 --> 00:24:59,566
This...is the future,
609
00:24:59,599 --> 00:25:00,934
because...
610
00:25:00,967 --> 00:25:03,069
this is the past.
611
00:25:03,103 --> 00:25:06,339
I've been through a lot
of issues in my life.
612
00:25:06,373 --> 00:25:08,875
I've seen drug addict--
613
00:25:08,908 --> 00:25:11,011
unemployment.
614
00:25:11,044 --> 00:25:13,880
I've been in a relationship
that tore my heart apart
615
00:25:13,913 --> 00:25:15,749
without ever being able
to accept
616
00:25:15,782 --> 00:25:17,951
that love drove the pain.
617
00:25:17,984 --> 00:25:20,020
Yep.
618
00:25:20,053 --> 00:25:21,888
When I was ten years old,
619
00:25:21,921 --> 00:25:23,823
my parents took me
to Disney World.
620
00:25:23,857 --> 00:25:26,826
I cried the whole time.
621
00:25:26,860 --> 00:25:28,762
I was not able
to comprehend
622
00:25:28,795 --> 00:25:32,165
the beauty
that was before me.
623
00:25:32,198 --> 00:25:34,901
I just wanted...
to go home.
624
00:25:34,934 --> 00:25:38,705
This is what the pyramidwill do for you.
625
00:25:38,738 --> 00:25:42,809
It is the bridge
to the world.
626
00:25:42,842 --> 00:25:44,210
It has a USB port.
627
00:25:44,244 --> 00:25:45,779
Wireless...
628
00:25:45,812 --> 00:25:48,348
will be available in 2013.
629
00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:51,985
You can play anything,
630
00:25:52,018 --> 00:25:54,921
from "Chuck" to "Cars 2."
631
00:25:56,956 --> 00:25:59,025
With the pyramid,
632
00:25:59,059 --> 00:26:02,362
you have the connection
to everything,
633
00:26:02,395 --> 00:26:04,397
in time...
634
00:26:04,431 --> 00:26:05,999
and space.
635
00:26:06,032 --> 00:26:08,001
crowd: Oh!
636
00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:11,871
Psst!
637
00:26:11,905 --> 00:26:13,373
Oh.
638
00:26:13,406 --> 00:26:17,377
* *
639
00:26:17,410 --> 00:26:19,112
Ryan: Sabre.
640
00:26:19,145 --> 00:26:21,948
It's time...
to come home.
641
00:26:33,460 --> 00:26:34,894
All right.
642
00:26:34,928 --> 00:26:37,163
Thank you so much.
Wow.
643
00:26:37,197 --> 00:26:39,065
Wow!
644
00:26:39,099 --> 00:26:40,367
And good night.
645
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,136
Yeah.
646
00:26:43,169 --> 00:26:46,740
No. No, I am not a performer.
647
00:26:46,773 --> 00:26:48,808
No.
648
00:26:48,842 --> 00:26:51,311
My mom always did say
that I was pretty funny
649
00:26:51,344 --> 00:26:54,014
'cause I used to do
these impress--
650
00:26:54,047 --> 00:26:56,383
No.
651
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,863
Okay, this isn't over.
Let's stay focused, okay?
652
00:27:09,896 --> 00:27:11,197
We made fun of Andy earlier
653
00:27:11,231 --> 00:27:13,166
for getting beat up
by a little girl,
654
00:27:13,199 --> 00:27:15,702
but...little things
can be dangerous.
655
00:27:15,735 --> 00:27:17,971
Whether it's a Gremlin
656
00:27:18,004 --> 00:27:19,339
or Chucky the Doll--
657
00:27:19,372 --> 00:27:21,941
the key is to throw it
in something,
658
00:27:21,975 --> 00:27:23,843
like a fireplace
659
00:27:23,877 --> 00:27:26,212
or a tub of electricity.
660
00:27:26,246 --> 00:27:28,148
Okay, good point.
Um...
661
00:27:28,181 --> 00:27:31,284
Good point?
What is a tub of electricity?
662
00:27:31,317 --> 00:27:33,353
- I don't--I don't--
- With all due respect,
663
00:27:33,386 --> 00:27:35,355
we know
what we're defending against.
664
00:27:35,388 --> 00:27:37,257
It's a 12-year-old
female bully.
665
00:27:37,290 --> 00:27:39,459
- I was a 12-year-old bully.
- Great!
666
00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:41,928
I think Kelly
should attack Toby.
667
00:27:41,961 --> 00:27:43,163
Yeah.
668
00:27:43,196 --> 00:27:44,731
Yeah, that's not
a bad idea, actually,
669
00:27:44,764 --> 00:27:46,800
because I have had a lot
of pent-up aggression.
670
00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:48,368
- Thanks.
- Good. Go.
671
00:27:48,401 --> 00:27:50,070
I don't know if this
is gonna help--
672
00:27:50,103 --> 00:27:51,471
Let's go, Kelly.
673
00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:53,440
We should stay to maybe
some more traditional models--
674
00:27:53,473 --> 00:27:55,108
You think
you're so pretty!
675
00:27:55,141 --> 00:27:57,510
Well, you're not gonna be
so pretty come prom time!
676
00:27:57,544 --> 00:27:59,446
Okay, this is what's called
pre-violent posturing.
677
00:27:59,479 --> 00:28:02,782
Take that!
Not so pre-violent anymore!
678
00:28:02,816 --> 00:28:05,185
Okay, I'm at what's called
"the decision point."
679
00:28:05,218 --> 00:28:06,486
Hey, hey, hey,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly--
680
00:28:06,519 --> 00:28:07,954
Ow!
681
00:28:07,987 --> 00:28:10,323
God! My good eye!
682
00:28:10,357 --> 00:28:12,459
Oh, boy!
683
00:28:12,492 --> 00:28:14,260
Oh, no, I'm not
laughing at you.
684
00:28:14,294 --> 00:28:16,796
I'm laughing at, um...
something that
685
00:28:16,830 --> 00:28:19,966
Cece did on the playground
earlier--yesterday.
686
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,135
This morning.
687
00:28:22,168 --> 00:28:24,537
You know why I got
hit by girls?
688
00:28:24,571 --> 00:28:27,507
Because I stood up
for others...
689
00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:30,377
Pam and Toby.
690
00:28:30,410 --> 00:28:32,445
I stepped in,
and I didn't care
691
00:28:32,479 --> 00:28:34,914
that I was standing up
to girls.
692
00:28:34,948 --> 00:28:36,549
You may want to ask yourselves,
693
00:28:36,583 --> 00:28:40,453
"Where were you
when the girls came?"
694
00:28:42,022 --> 00:28:44,491
Tough day. Yes.
But I feel good.
695
00:28:44,524 --> 00:28:47,360
I put the office
in their place,
696
00:28:47,394 --> 00:28:50,030
took a bunch of pain killers,
drank half a bottle of wine,
697
00:28:50,063 --> 00:28:51,197
took my pants off.
698
00:28:51,231 --> 00:28:54,834
I just feel good!
699
00:28:54,868 --> 00:28:58,004
Okay, okay, I will be
the first to admit it.
700
00:28:58,038 --> 00:28:59,973
We could have integrated more
Chuck into the presentation.
701
00:29:00,006 --> 00:29:01,908
Dwight...
702
00:29:01,941 --> 00:29:03,376
look at me.
703
00:29:13,586 --> 00:29:16,423
Goose pimples.
704
00:29:16,456 --> 00:29:18,525
Oh--Mm.
705
00:29:34,374 --> 00:29:36,209
"You're the vice president."
706
00:29:36,242 --> 00:29:38,211
You're the vice president.
707
00:29:38,244 --> 00:29:40,080
Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah!
708
00:29:40,113 --> 00:29:41,581
Okay!
709
00:29:41,614 --> 00:29:43,883
- Come on!
- Aah!
710
00:29:43,917 --> 00:29:45,018
Right on!
711
00:29:45,051 --> 00:29:46,619
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
712
00:29:46,653 --> 00:29:47,620
Boom!
713
00:29:47,654 --> 00:29:50,323
I've got notes
that say all sorts of things.
714
00:29:50,357 --> 00:29:52,592
"Kiss notes," I call them.
715
00:29:52,625 --> 00:29:55,061
"You're hired."
716
00:29:55,095 --> 00:29:57,330
"You're fired."
717
00:29:57,364 --> 00:30:00,200
"Black coffee, no sugar."
718
00:30:00,233 --> 00:30:02,969
"I like your tie."
719
00:30:03,003 --> 00:30:05,338
"You're parked in my spot."
720
00:30:05,372 --> 00:30:08,641
"I like your dress."
721
00:30:08,675 --> 00:30:10,577
"Get out of my office."
722
00:30:15,415 --> 00:30:17,951
Mmm.
723
00:30:35,301 --> 00:30:36,569
Damn it!
724
00:30:36,603 --> 00:30:38,471
I also had one that said
725
00:30:38,505 --> 00:30:41,408
"You're not
the vice president."
51918
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