Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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you think that
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[Music]
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I'm
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[Music]
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Survivor you think that I'm
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[Applause]
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done thank
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you good thank you very much WoW
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thank you thank
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you all right that's good thank you and
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uh and that is my time thank you so much
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did you see me trip into my special
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that's great that's that sums up my
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whole act so uh buckle
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up here we go so I know a lot of you uh
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saw me get third place on American Got
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Talent thank you his uh America's Got
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Talent is an amazing show to be part of
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it is definitely a little uh weird cuz
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it's the largest talent show in the
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world but it's like comedy
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versus whatever
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right like do you like one-legged
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unicyclist how about two dogs in a
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duffel bag
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doesn't make any sense this show and I
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don't mind getting third place that's
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actually great you know I'm touring all
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over and uh well I'm here
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tonight well because this is what third
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gets
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you yeah [ __ ] you Hollywood
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I'm going to Greenwood Village
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[Applause]
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[ __ ] Vegas can suck it
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too I'd rather be here any damn
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day well I live here it's great you
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know I uh again third place is amazing
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but the thing is um me getting third
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place just proves once again that
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Americans have no idea how to [ __ ]
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vote
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[Applause]
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yeah every chance you get you [ __ ] it up
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man oh well this guy seems like a real
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dumbass huh that's my guy
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yeah America's Got Talent though is they
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want to like get you to say crazy things
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in these interviews so they'll be
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they'll be goting me like so Josh do you
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think that you're funnier than a little
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girl that can sing
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pavara I'm sure [ __ ] hope so huh
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I know I could hip Checker in the
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hallway I
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know I never wanted to beat up kids more
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my
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life little talented shits get out of
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here I will say this about America's Got
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Talent it's very inclusive uh to the
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disabled
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Community uh
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[Applause]
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yeah I mean some people call it
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exploitation
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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that's no it is very inclusive show like
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you know I have CB paly and there's
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amazing acts like Cody Lee he's blind
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and artistic man he's amazing such an
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amazing tell and then like just all
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walks of life like ballerinas with no
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arms and like all the way down uh to
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magicians I'm not sure what spectrum
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that is
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but they're definitely on
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it again I don't mind getting third
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place but do you understand how
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humiliating it is
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to lose to a [ __ ]
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magician I've never been more
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embarrassed in my whole life I'm telling
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you but here's the thing about magic man
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it just gets me so bad because we're a
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room full of
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adults you guys all understand that
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magic isn't [ __ ] real
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right you get that right they tell you
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up front it's called a
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trick okay I'm going to trick you
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now and then somehow you're still
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like oh my
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God where did my nickel
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go the [ __ ] creep stole it from you
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[ __ ] magic I hate that
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[ __ ] look this bunch of [ __ ] I ever
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seen in my
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life I didn't like magic before this but
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now yeah the other day my son tried to
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show me a magic trick I was like not in
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this
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house you see son we have
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dignity not like these fake ass Wizards
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little Harry Potter
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[ __ ] hey you guys want to see a
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trick that's actually what a pimp
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says and I much rather my son be a pimp
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than a magician
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[Music]
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like listen man I don't know where you
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pulled that rabbit out of but I know
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where you can stick
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it up there with that
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[Music]
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Geral all right I knew there was some
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filthy magic lovers out
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there a dark arts [ __ ] come on
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M I got to say a lot of you are laughing
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but I can see quite a few people just
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looking at me
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like well he was such a nice boy on
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television I'm a real
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boy just got my strings cut off
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yeah still working it
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out it's a Pinocchio joke
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guys feel like some of you didn't get
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that I don't know why you wouldn't have
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got my reference from a cartoon from
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the'
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40s did you know that there is an actual
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like list of all the talents in the
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world like there's a huge compile list
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of all and like it's a picking order
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like of of worth and
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value and like it's a very like a huge
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list I mean it's like it's so long and
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um I actually memorized
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it and I was going to give you like a
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rundown of what's on the list obviously
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we don't have time for the whole
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list but like a good example is at the
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very top is standup
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[Applause]
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comedy and then the next run down is
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astronauts and then
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dolphins and Michael
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Jordan and then like I'll just scroll
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down down down like a bunch of pages
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down then we get to like um improv
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groups and then
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jug then uh guitar
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Axe and then the
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Irish and just calm down the list is
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still really long you're pretty high up
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Irish you're doing good there a very
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long list don't be so quick to judge
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here
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and again you just I just got scroll
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down to like interesting
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rocks and then like um like like uh chia
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pets and then big
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kites and then uh down down down we go
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I'll just go to the bottom where you
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finally get to
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mimes and then um uh uh
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Mentalist and a mentalist is just a
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magician that's smart enough not to call
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themselves and then
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ventriloquist and then Joe
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[Applause]
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Rogan and then you'll finally get on
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down to the filthy [ __ ] magician
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very bottom very bottom very bottom well
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here's the thing if you're not getting
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my
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humor uh that's actually my
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fault yeah you see uh I didn't explain
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how Comedy
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Works so I'm just going to give you a
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quick
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rundown and again this isn't for most of
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you you're doing great
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just a couple of
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[Laughter]
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pockets all right so how a joke
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works is I take an
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idea and then I go and I take another
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idea and then I bring them
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together and then when they come
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together
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that's the funny
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part but the only thing
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is you got to do the
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math so you got to be able to go into
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your own head and then figure out
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why the other people are laughing
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[Applause]
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all right well let's see if you can
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follow this
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one so I got a
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neighbor that's
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colorblind and he is surprisingly
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racist you you guys get it
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it's it's because he doesn't see
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color that's the part that's
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weird that he would Harbor hatred in his
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heart I hate that guy
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man the other day I went over to his
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house I was like listen man it's not
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cool to be racist he was like get your
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black ass off my P
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[Applause]
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I was like
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[Applause]
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sh oh that was a pretty easy one guys
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I'm going to step it up
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now you know because there's no point in
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holding the whole class
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back for just a couple of
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pockets oh hey that for me oh thank you
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was it that bad huh
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thought I was doing okay
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yeah you know it's bad when a season
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serers like hey I've seen a lot of shows
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and uh you going to need
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this it's not a good sign on the special
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you
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[Laughter]
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know well here's the real deal I do like
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drinking but I'm already working with
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those speech
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impediment and besides I don't know
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which one of you sick [ __ ] sent that up
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here you see one of you just like I give
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this to the
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comedian it's a little payback for
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Cosby oh [ __ ] all right all right oh all
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right oh
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yeah they're just making sure we're all
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listening yeah you're doing it you're
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doing
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it so proud of you
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guys come a long way
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tonight that Cosby thing man that [ __ ]
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me up because as a comedian I grew up
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looking up to that guy we all watch his
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show it was a great show and then that
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came out about him and it ruined the
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body of
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work but here's my thing I always was a
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little
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suspicious because anytime anybody's
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that
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clean in
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public remember he was always like oh
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you can't say the filthy curse
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words that just reminds me of those
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politicians that are like these
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homosexuals are ruining our nation
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[Applause]
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just just sucking random dicks in
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airports
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like I can't find enough of these
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things remember they busted a senator in
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the Minneapolis
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Airport it was a little while back they
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had a whole thing operation it was
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called uh to catch a
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senator and they got
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one it didn't even take too
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long well basically how it worked is
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that you go in the men's room and then
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you go into one of the Stalls then you
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poke your foot under the side to the
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next doll and that's a sign that you you
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know need a blow
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job or whatever makes you fly better you
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know all
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right all I'm saying guys I I fly a
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lot and I'm like well how far I got to
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get my leg under here
283
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,039
come on two stalls
284
00:18:08,039 --> 00:18:15,110
over no takers no
285
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,880
tiers all I get is pissed off dudes like
286
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:32,029
here's some toilet paper [ __ ] off
287
00:18:32,039 --> 00:18:41,990
[ __ ]
288
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:47,710
magic you get
289
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:51,440
it you know having a disability is it's
290
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:52,919
interesting because people always want
291
00:18:52,919 --> 00:18:55,720
to help me with stuff and that's so kind
292
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,400
I do appreciate it uh but here's the
293
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:02,320
deal for the most part I got it you
294
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,120
know and other thing about me is I'm not
295
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:09,039
afraid to ask you for help like I know
296
00:19:09,039 --> 00:19:12,320
my limits like let's say there's a pot
297
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:16,400
of hot soup that needs to be
298
00:19:16,410 --> 00:19:17,760
[Applause]
299
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:22,080
carried I'm like hey hey please you know
300
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:27,710
thank yeah I appreciate that man thank
301
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,320
you well what I've come to find is that
302
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,400
more often than not people like hey can
303
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,960
I pour that for you and then they spill
304
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,080
it and I'm like well I could have
305
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,000
[ __ ] done
306
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:43,720
[Laughter]
307
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:50,750
it and you robed me of my
308
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,799
Independence that's actually the funny
309
00:19:52,799 --> 00:19:56,669
part
310
00:19:56,679 --> 00:19:59,290
guys cheers everyone
311
00:19:59,290 --> 00:20:04,760
[Applause]
312
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:13,830
yeah use more next time date
313
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,880
Reaper I ain't feeling
314
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,320
[ __ ] it's just good to be touring you
315
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,600
know with the whole thing with Co is
316
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:24,720
like you guys understand that I'm coming
317
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:31,880
in here with um some preex existing
318
00:20:31,890 --> 00:20:33,520
[Applause]
319
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,799
conditions let me tell you when Co
320
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:42,549
showed up I was like get in line
321
00:20:42,559 --> 00:20:44,720
[ __ ] you're at the back with
322
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:51,630
bunions and tennis
323
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,840
elbow they're good dudes they'll show
324
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,280
you
325
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:59,320
around ins and outs
326
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,200
Co though man I mean I've been a
327
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,520
comedian for 20 years doing 200 shows a
328
00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,480
year and then the pandemic hit and I
329
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:12,830
became a homeschool
330
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:18,190
teacher I was very ill prepared for
331
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,720
that you see folks I'm a comic for a
332
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,919
reason like sorry guys daddy can't help
333
00:21:25,919 --> 00:21:28,679
you with your math homework but if you
334
00:21:28,679 --> 00:21:37,590
need a good dick joke I got
335
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:43,909
you a big one with curves in
336
00:21:43,919 --> 00:21:48,230
it that's curves
337
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:53,630
plural I like a good plot
338
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,600
twist I know the whole pandemic I mean
339
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:59,960
here's the deal I have a I have two kids
340
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,360
I love being a
341
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:05,590
dad and
342
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:08,720
uh well thanks I I'll be sure and tell
343
00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:09,640
them you did
344
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,640
[Laughter]
345
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,559
that hey guys that my speci on the seven
346
00:22:15,559 --> 00:22:26,990
people club for
347
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:31,120
you you guys are understand that I can
348
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:39,400
[ __ ] hear
349
00:22:39,410 --> 00:22:44,960
[Laughter]
350
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,559
right I have two kids and uh I also have
351
00:22:48,559 --> 00:22:50,799
50% custody of the
352
00:22:50,799 --> 00:22:55,000
kids and uh well if you know anything
353
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,640
about that you know
354
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:12,990
that's a lot of
355
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,440
custody I think she like sat down and
356
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:20,430
worked it out that's half of my
357
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:24,480
time and that's real that's real
358
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:31,070
time that you don't get back it's real
359
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,360
again I love my kids very
360
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:37,039
much but it's time to go to your [ __ ]
361
00:23:37,039 --> 00:23:43,909
mom's
362
00:23:43,919 --> 00:23:47,360
house I have a 12-year-old daughter and
363
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:48,360
uh
364
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:52,080
she will not shut the [ __ ] up
365
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:57,000
man oh oh my god
366
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:01,200
oh again I like her a
367
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:11,950
lot she's probably in my top
368
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,400
five I just don't know how to tell her
369
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,760
any other way I don't give a flying [ __ ]
370
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,710
about Arana
371
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,320
Grande and then to offset that I also
372
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,360
have a 14-year-old boy living at the
373
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:32,669
house you guys familiar with these
374
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:34,799
weirdies I'm telling you it's all I can
375
00:24:34,799 --> 00:24:40,430
do to keep them off the
376
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:47,240
[Applause]
377
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:51,789
magic I'm like no
378
00:24:51,799 --> 00:24:54,360
bro oh and he's also been taking a lot
379
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:59,630
of long showers
380
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:01,240
yeah and when he finally comes out his
381
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:11,510
hair isn't even
382
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,240
wet like come on
383
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:19,909
man you can lie better to
384
00:25:19,919 --> 00:25:22,600
me the other day I I stopped him in the
385
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:26,480
hallway after a particularly long
386
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,080
shower I caught him I was like hey man
387
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,320
listen I don't give a [ __ ] what you're
388
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:40,000
doing in there just turn off the [ __ ]
389
00:25:40,010 --> 00:25:43,520
[Applause]
390
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,720
wallart I'm like do you understand how
391
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:53,430
many laughs I had to get for that
392
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:58,870
shower that wasn't enough guys
393
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:06,190
yeah yeah my Boy's ankles are still
394
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:15,230
dry he's causing the drought
395
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:18,440
here remember the first couple months of
396
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:22,279
the lockdown is a just some real dark
397
00:26:22,279 --> 00:26:25,080
days yeah I just thought I'd bring you
398
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,870
back there
399
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,640
I remember the first couple of months of
400
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:32,880
that lockdown The Whole World's caving
401
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,640
in around me all of us you know we don't
402
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,960
know what the hell is going on you lost
403
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,480
your job you're in your locked in your
404
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:44,269
house with your
405
00:26:44,279 --> 00:26:49,870
kids just washing your mail and
406
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,880
[ __ ] I tell you man I found myself doing
407
00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:55,279
all these childhood activities you know
408
00:26:55,279 --> 00:26:57,799
like doing puzzles and playing board
409
00:26:57,799 --> 00:27:03,510
games and
410
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:13,750
crying maybe throw in some long
411
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:17,480
showers sometimes I'd cry in the
412
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:22,669
shower just
413
00:27:22,679 --> 00:27:25,279
multitasking I'll tell you this about
414
00:27:25,279 --> 00:27:29,080
the pandemic like I would rather cry
415
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:32,909
then do a [ __ ]
416
00:27:32,919 --> 00:27:37,310
puzzle [ __ ] I'd rather eat a
417
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:42,990
puzzle thousand pieces no
418
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,519
problem and then in the morning I [ __ ]
419
00:27:45,519 --> 00:27:58,269
out a rustic farmhouse
420
00:27:58,279 --> 00:28:05,830
which is weird cuz it was a puzzle of a
421
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:09,519
kitty something that right down
422
00:28:09,519 --> 00:28:16,389
there something's
423
00:28:16,399 --> 00:28:18,590
off so stupid all
424
00:28:18,590 --> 00:28:26,669
[Laughter]
425
00:28:26,679 --> 00:28:31,720
right yeah this right arm uh he's a he's
426
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,480
a busy boy over
427
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:38,720
there very very very busy uh appendage
428
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:39,440
for
429
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:45,070
sure it's like living with a raccoon or
430
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,640
something yeah the sun goes down he got
431
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,549
some [ __ ] to
432
00:28:50,559 --> 00:28:54,720
do it's over there scurrying
433
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:56,960
around I still don't even know where he
434
00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:07,130
got the watch
435
00:29:07,140 --> 00:29:09,360
[Applause]
436
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:11,200
yeah the little [ __ ] won't let me look
437
00:29:11,200 --> 00:29:18,150
at it either way
438
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:34,430
[Applause]
439
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:39,470
yeah probably got it from a
440
00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:46,480
[Applause]
441
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:50,710
magician [ __ ]
442
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:55,269
magic [ __ ] hate mic all
443
00:29:55,279 --> 00:30:05,350
right [ __ ] all right
444
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,279
like at night I'm trying to sleep and
445
00:30:07,279 --> 00:30:09,720
this thing is just up you know this
446
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:18,470
writing
447
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:20,960
emails I'm like who could you possibly
448
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:22,760
be writing
449
00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:35,750
to probably some club foot in Kansas
450
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:37,440
that's a that's a pretty hard
451
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,600
correspondent right there I can't I
452
00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:47,710
can't imagine a club foot types too
453
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:50,320
well I don't know why they say this [ __ ]
454
00:30:50,320 --> 00:30:53,870
man I
455
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,519
don't I never write any of this down
456
00:30:56,519 --> 00:30:59,399
it's just
457
00:30:59,399 --> 00:31:01,399
you should see me before the show just
458
00:31:01,399 --> 00:31:03,480
pacing around like oh man I hope it
459
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:06,909
comes out
460
00:31:06,919 --> 00:31:09,279
again frankly you're lucky I'm even
461
00:31:09,279 --> 00:31:11,600
facing the right
462
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:16,509
direction
463
00:31:16,519 --> 00:31:19,240
lights oh yeah oh look at this [ __ ] look
464
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:22,950
at
465
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:28,760
this no don't encourage him
466
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:30,840
he didn't earn
467
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:33,519
that I got dudes running up on me like
468
00:31:33,519 --> 00:31:36,480
yo bro you work out I'm like I can't
469
00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:40,509
even get him to lift a [ __ ]
470
00:31:40,519 --> 00:31:43,690
Fork this is straight py
471
00:31:43,690 --> 00:31:45,279
[Music]
472
00:31:45,279 --> 00:31:49,240
bro you wish you had
473
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:51,760
this man I've been working out since I
474
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:56,629
came
475
00:31:56,639 --> 00:32:02,549
out and probably a little in
476
00:32:02,559 --> 00:32:05,519
utero you know what they say the early
477
00:32:05,519 --> 00:32:12,950
baby gets the popy
478
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:18,310
arm I don't think they really say
479
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:20,720
that but now that you heard me say it
480
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:22,760
you you should say
481
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:25,120
it got to try that at work and let me
482
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:28,360
know how it goes
483
00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:29,960
uh actually I'm pretty sure I know how
484
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:33,080
that goes hey Thompson you in early
485
00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:36,039
today well boss you know what they say
486
00:32:36,039 --> 00:32:43,070
the early baby gets the popey arm
487
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,480
huh I'm going to need you to pack your
488
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:54,789
[ __ ] up and get out of
489
00:32:54,799 --> 00:32:58,440
here okay you've had your turn bud
490
00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:02,120
oh oh okay we'll do it you want this
491
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,120
will this will shut him up all right
492
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:13,390
look at
493
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:19,240
[Applause]
494
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:23,509
this py shadow
495
00:33:23,519 --> 00:33:30,029
puppets I'm going win AGT next time
496
00:33:30,039 --> 00:33:31,679
apparently the only thing that can beat
497
00:33:31,679 --> 00:33:36,420
magic is a injured
498
00:33:36,430 --> 00:33:42,519
[Laughter]
499
00:33:42,519 --> 00:33:46,990
crane you did you see the
500
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:56,029
shadow 37 more months of
501
00:33:56,039 --> 00:34:04,070
winter [ __ ] mad
502
00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:07,919
now listen I was coming in here tonight
503
00:34:07,919 --> 00:34:09,599
and one of you stopped me out there in
504
00:34:09,599 --> 00:34:11,960
the lobby just so
505
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:16,879
excited hey I came here just to see
506
00:34:16,879 --> 00:34:19,760
you I was like well I guess you can
507
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:29,270
[ __ ] go home
508
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:32,679
yeah mission
509
00:34:32,679 --> 00:34:40,510
accomplished you a
510
00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:42,639
dumbass and if you figured out you're
511
00:34:42,639 --> 00:34:45,639
supposed to stick around um sorry I
512
00:34:45,639 --> 00:34:49,349
called you a
513
00:34:49,359 --> 00:34:52,280
dumbass I was at my hotel the other day
514
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:55,159
I went to go get some delicious Lobby
515
00:34:55,159 --> 00:35:03,310
coffee you know
516
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:05,800
is it just me or does every Hotel
517
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:08,320
somehow managed to make their coffee
518
00:35:08,320 --> 00:35:10,400
taste like it was percolated through a
519
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:16,630
trucker's
520
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:20,069
[Music]
521
00:35:20,079 --> 00:35:31,230
ass chunky
522
00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:33,599
yeah that's actually where the term cup
523
00:35:33,599 --> 00:35:36,440
of joe comes
524
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:41,069
[Music]
525
00:35:41,079 --> 00:35:43,960
from thanks
526
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:47,160
Joe you made a good
527
00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:57,870
one from his rim to mine
528
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:01,829
[Applause]
529
00:36:01,839 --> 00:36:03,920
sorry it's so gross
530
00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:07,400
uh you know before I say this crazy [ __ ]
531
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,520
I do have that alarm in my head going
532
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:12,760
off like hey dude don't
533
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:17,440
say club foot in Kansas or so
534
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:20,119
yeah but then I say it and you laugh and
535
00:36:20,119 --> 00:36:22,290
I'm like haha I told you
536
00:36:22,290 --> 00:36:25,440
[Laughter]
537
00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:31,230
[ __ ] don't you be questioning
538
00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:33,800
me you know I really used to think I had
539
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:35,920
a way with
540
00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:38,480
animals and then I realized that I just
541
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:49,109
make a lot of
542
00:36:49,119 --> 00:36:51,960
crumbs I just got a pack of random ass
543
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:53,960
dogs following me
544
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,440
around just hoping I'll break into a
545
00:36:56,440 --> 00:37:00,109
muffin or something
546
00:37:00,119 --> 00:37:01,440
I don't know how many times I've tried
547
00:37:01,440 --> 00:37:03,119
to go into restaurant they're like you
548
00:37:03,119 --> 00:37:05,200
can't bring your dogs in here these
549
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,520
ain't my [ __ ]
550
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:09,920
dog if you could get him the piss off
551
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,200
that'd be
552
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:14,440
great and then I come to find they're
553
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:20,900
just other people's service
554
00:37:20,910 --> 00:37:23,200
[Applause]
555
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:27,990
dogs yeah
556
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:30,440
just saw me stumbling by they're like
557
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:38,940
hey man you wait here I got to help this
558
00:37:38,950 --> 00:37:42,599
[Applause]
559
00:37:42,599 --> 00:37:45,750
guy hey slow down fella I got your
560
00:37:45,750 --> 00:37:54,430
[Laughter]
561
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:58,430
mail you guys get it
562
00:37:58,430 --> 00:38:05,359
[Applause]
563
00:38:05,359 --> 00:38:07,400
makes me feel happy that you're doing
564
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:15,270
you're doing the work you're doing the
565
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:17,960
work
566
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:20,480
yeah sorry this is bugging the [ __ ] on
567
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:30,550
me look at this
568
00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:32,200
like where the [ __ ] they think I was
569
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,960
going
570
00:38:36,970 --> 00:38:40,790
[Applause]
571
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:44,520
man this stage ain't that big
572
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:49,630
man there's enough leash here to go
573
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:54,510
outside you guys want to go
574
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:56,440
outside go
575
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,760
outside who
576
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:04,710
a who's a good
577
00:39:04,720 --> 00:39:08,550
boy you go
578
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,640
outside the other day I was in my
579
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:13,560
backyard with my kids you know we're
580
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:17,680
just out there uh chipping away at that
581
00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:28,150
50% time and uh
582
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:29,960
just got him out there pulling weeds or
583
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:34,109
whatever
584
00:39:34,119 --> 00:39:38,119
and and then a bird landed on me scared
585
00:39:38,119 --> 00:39:40,599
the [ __ ] out of me I'm not going to lie
586
00:39:40,599 --> 00:39:42,560
and here's the deal with that that
587
00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:45,920
upsets me because I pride myself on not
588
00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:48,359
being afraid of bugs or
589
00:39:48,359 --> 00:39:50,760
animals but when you see that out of the
590
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:53,680
corner of your eye and then you think
591
00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:54,960
that it's a
592
00:39:54,960 --> 00:40:00,190
bug it's a big [ __ ] bug right
593
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:03,720
no just a bird sitting there his claws
594
00:40:03,720 --> 00:40:05,839
came through though it felt like a giant
595
00:40:05,839 --> 00:40:08,440
ass global warming June bug or
596
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:13,040
[Laughter]
597
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:15,359
something it was just looking at me all
598
00:40:15,359 --> 00:40:17,440
calm it was so calm I started feeling
599
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:18,600
like Snow White
600
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:25,000
[Laughter]
601
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:29,119
like look children it picked me
602
00:40:29,119 --> 00:40:31,410
me I'm the pretty one
603
00:40:31,410 --> 00:40:31,870
[Laughter]
604
00:40:31,870 --> 00:40:32,000
[Applause]
605
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:34,720
[Music]
606
00:40:34,720 --> 00:40:37,480
yes yeah and then it ate something out
607
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:46,870
of my beard and flew
608
00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:52,670
away feed your
609
00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:57,680
family it's a symbiotic relationship
610
00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:01,760
it gets food and I get cleaned
611
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:04,640
so all right not too many science Buffs
612
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:09,430
out
613
00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:12,079
there you know people often ask me if my
614
00:41:12,079 --> 00:41:13,800
show is family
615
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:17,720
friendly and I'm like well it depends on
616
00:41:17,720 --> 00:41:21,190
your [ __ ]
617
00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:24,119
family I'm going to let you
618
00:41:24,119 --> 00:41:26,359
decide I don't know about you folks but
619
00:41:26,359 --> 00:41:33,190
I like my kids learning from
620
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:36,240
professionals o thanks for the
621
00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:38,240
whistle I'm going to store that in my
622
00:41:38,240 --> 00:41:44,190
heart for
623
00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:48,480
sure I do travel a lot other day I had
624
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:52,119
to go to Cleveland and
625
00:41:52,119 --> 00:41:55,480
uh and uh well the night before I went
626
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:58,160
out to dinner with my my lady
627
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:01,119
we went to a pretty fancy place dressed
628
00:42:01,119 --> 00:42:04,680
up nice and we were having fun a little
629
00:42:04,680 --> 00:42:08,240
drinking laughing eating and uh I was
630
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:11,319
feeling good my timing was
631
00:42:11,319 --> 00:42:14,240
on so then across the way there was this
632
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:17,359
old couple they look real nice they
633
00:42:17,359 --> 00:42:20,480
dressed but the they just look like
634
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:22,680
they're having the most boring
635
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:25,599
conversation you could possibly have so
636
00:42:25,599 --> 00:42:27,720
I looked at my lady I was like hey
637
00:42:27,720 --> 00:42:30,880
babe I hope when we're old we're not
638
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:32,119
like
639
00:42:32,119 --> 00:42:37,930
that you know still
640
00:42:37,940 --> 00:42:44,160
[Applause]
641
00:42:44,170 --> 00:42:48,670
[Music]
642
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:52,079
together she laughed she laugh thank
643
00:42:52,079 --> 00:42:54,880
goodness that's a scary joke right
644
00:42:54,880 --> 00:43:00,950
there taking some risks
645
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,000
so then that night before I flew to
646
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:08,160
Cleveland early uh well in bed she held
647
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:10,000
me the entire
648
00:43:10,000 --> 00:43:12,880
night so then in the
649
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:16,559
morning when my alarm went off I rolled
650
00:43:16,559 --> 00:43:19,240
over I was like hey babe you know when I
651
00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:21,240
come back I'm going to do the same thing
652
00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:22,040
for
653
00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:24,640
you and then uh we're going to see how
654
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:29,710
you [ __ ] like that
655
00:43:29,720 --> 00:43:32,280
I'm hot I'm
656
00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:37,680
hot very hot I'm hot I'm hot please I'm
657
00:43:37,680 --> 00:43:41,440
hot I love you but I'm hot very very
658
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:47,079
very hot please I'm hot I'm hot I'm
659
00:43:47,079 --> 00:43:53,150
hot like I will let you put a toe on my
660
00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:57,760
calf but besides that I'm hot just very
661
00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:04,670
very
662
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:07,280
hot and the thing is we have a big old
663
00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:10,520
California KingSize bed this is a huge
664
00:44:10,520 --> 00:44:14,079
bed and the other night she came all the
665
00:44:14,079 --> 00:44:20,630
way over and pushed me in the
666
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:23,480
ocean the other night I got up and I
667
00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:30,790
walked all the way around to [ __ ] to
668
00:44:30,800 --> 00:44:32,040
[Applause]
669
00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:34,839
theide cuz I'm hot I'm
670
00:44:34,839 --> 00:44:39,030
hot hot
671
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:40,270
hot
672
00:44:40,270 --> 00:44:42,079
[Applause]
673
00:44:42,079 --> 00:44:44,760
hot damn
674
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:47,079
it guys ever feel like you're having a
675
00:44:47,079 --> 00:44:49,040
heart
676
00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:51,559
attack and then you burp and you're like
677
00:44:51,559 --> 00:44:55,710
oh
678
00:44:55,720 --> 00:44:59,079
okay I thought I was dying man
679
00:44:59,079 --> 00:45:02,440
[ __ ] I almost called the
680
00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:05,200
ambulance that's an expensive ass burp
681
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:06,200
right
682
00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:08,599
there you burp in the ambulance you're
683
00:45:08,599 --> 00:45:10,480
like oh I'm I'm just going to get out
684
00:45:10,480 --> 00:45:14,079
right here I'm F I'm I'm fine no I'm
685
00:45:14,079 --> 00:45:16,280
fine I don't no I don't mind the walk
686
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:20,359
that's fine feel I'm feeling
687
00:45:20,359 --> 00:45:24,440
rejuvenated sorry sorry about that fine
688
00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:28,040
no I'm good I'm fine
689
00:45:28,040 --> 00:45:29,960
well that leads me to my next
690
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:36,589
question why do we stop burping
691
00:45:36,599 --> 00:45:39,200
people it's so weird like think about a
692
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:41,960
baby one of its main needs is to be
693
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:44,640
burped it cries it's in pain you pop it
694
00:45:44,640 --> 00:45:48,040
on the back a couple times all
695
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:52,549
better why do we cut that off at
696
00:45:52,559 --> 00:45:55,920
two all I'm saying is I'm pretty sure we
697
00:45:55,920 --> 00:46:00,240
could fix this country acid reflux
698
00:46:00,240 --> 00:46:02,880
problem you just got to burp your buddy
699
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:05,470
every now and
700
00:46:05,480 --> 00:46:07,839
again aren't you sick of taking all
701
00:46:07,839 --> 00:46:11,720
these ant acid tablets to just stay
702
00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:13,920
alive I'm telling you man we're going to
703
00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:18,190
shut down big
704
00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:24,109
farma it's my burp America
705
00:46:24,119 --> 00:46:31,390
campaign hook a brother up
706
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:33,599
and this [ __ ] really works I mean I'm
707
00:46:33,599 --> 00:46:41,630
not selling you no fish oil
708
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:47,150
here is it snake
709
00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:50,200
oil sorry guys sometimes I get my animal
710
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,920
oils mixed
711
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:55,559
up I got to take more fish oil to
712
00:46:55,559 --> 00:47:00,950
remember it snake one
713
00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:05,589
all right not too many homeopaths up
714
00:47:05,599 --> 00:47:09,160
there oh there's
715
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:11,319
[Laughter]
716
00:47:11,319 --> 00:47:13,960
one I'm tell you I had some horrible
717
00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:15,160
acid
718
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:17,599
reflux and then one day I realized that
719
00:47:17,599 --> 00:47:21,000
my kids are now big enough to burp
720
00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:24,480
me like payback's a
721
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:27,319
[ __ ] why don't you go get Daddy's buron
722
00:47:27,319 --> 00:47:32,970
beach towel
723
00:47:32,980 --> 00:47:34,020
[Music]
724
00:47:34,020 --> 00:47:37,870
[Applause]
725
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:48,990
and let's move some chili
726
00:47:49,000 --> 00:47:51,640
around I just feel like Amazon has made
727
00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:54,359
it too easy to order stuff
728
00:47:54,359 --> 00:47:56,880
online yeah the other day I came home
729
00:47:56,880 --> 00:47:59,880
and there's a box on my porch and then
730
00:47:59,880 --> 00:48:06,309
um he's all
731
00:48:06,319 --> 00:48:12,270
excited like what did you
732
00:48:12,280 --> 00:48:23,750
do open it up it's one bzo
733
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:26,319
glove I'm not putting that on you dude
734
00:48:26,319 --> 00:48:27,960
you know
735
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:31,680
you got to play dress up on your own
736
00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:39,230
time maybe give your club foot buddy a
737
00:48:39,240 --> 00:48:42,960
call we all know he wouldn't be much
738
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:51,470
help no
739
00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:53,920
Grabbers again the alarm in my head was
740
00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:59,349
like don't say no Grabbers
741
00:48:59,359 --> 00:49:03,270
I should have
742
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:09,420
listened did you just
743
00:49:09,430 --> 00:49:11,760
[Applause]
744
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:14,160
snort don't be embarrassed that's a sign
745
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:20,069
of success in my
746
00:49:20,079 --> 00:49:23,319
business I tally my
747
00:49:23,319 --> 00:49:26,040
snorts just another diagonal line to the
748
00:49:26,040 --> 00:49:29,109
four
749
00:49:29,119 --> 00:49:33,119
my question is where do you even buy one
750
00:49:33,119 --> 00:49:37,750
glove I mean now that Michael Jackson's
751
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:40,240
gone really can't be much of a market
752
00:49:40,240 --> 00:49:42,319
for
753
00:49:42,319 --> 00:49:45,280
that in fact I'm pretty sure he
754
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:54,250
single-handedly held that market up
755
00:49:54,260 --> 00:49:57,480
[Applause]
756
00:49:57,480 --> 00:49:59,079
all right sometimes I got to throw some
757
00:49:59,079 --> 00:50:02,079
lwh hanger fruit out
758
00:50:02,079 --> 00:50:05,760
there try to get the group back
759
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:10,160
together you guys Bunch up again bunch
760
00:50:10,160 --> 00:50:13,760
up there is a company that sells one of
761
00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:17,040
things it's uh intended for
762
00:50:17,040 --> 00:50:26,910
amputees it's called Sher repare
763
00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:30,000
yeah they got all kinds of [ __ ] on there
764
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,520
it's pretty cool it's like their idea is
765
00:50:32,520 --> 00:50:34,760
like if you're missing your size 10
766
00:50:34,760 --> 00:50:36,440
right foot and you're missing your size
767
00:50:36,440 --> 00:50:41,200
10 left foot [ __ ] it share a pair you
768
00:50:41,200 --> 00:50:44,079
know it's pretty cool it's ecological
769
00:50:44,079 --> 00:50:47,000
and economical and the the products are
770
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:50,200
cool they got gloves and shoes and
771
00:50:50,200 --> 00:50:57,950
earrings
772
00:50:57,960 --> 00:50:59,760
see earrings is one of those ones where
773
00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:05,309
I want you guys to do a little bit of
774
00:51:05,319 --> 00:51:08,160
the like w you go in your head like why
775
00:51:08,160 --> 00:51:10,040
are they missing it year you
776
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:13,680
know was it a bad fishing trip
777
00:51:13,680 --> 00:51:24,630
or or like a relatively good combine
778
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:27,040
accident you see that's why I wanted you
779
00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:27,960
to do
780
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:31,960
it when I do it I get rough with
781
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:34,400
it you got to admit that's a pretty good
782
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:37,640
comine accident if all you lost was one
783
00:51:37,640 --> 00:51:40,520
year you're doing
784
00:51:40,520 --> 00:51:43,680
good I've been doing comedy uh pretty
785
00:51:43,680 --> 00:51:46,440
much my whole adult life I did have one
786
00:51:46,440 --> 00:51:49,960
day job out of college I uh worked for
787
00:51:49,960 --> 00:51:52,599
six months at a day program which is
788
00:51:52,599 --> 00:51:56,040
basically a a daycare for uh adults with
789
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:58,640
severe mental and physical
790
00:51:58,640 --> 00:52:01,839
disabilities and uh you know I really
791
00:52:01,839 --> 00:52:05,680
have had so much help in my life so my
792
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:07,119
thought was like let me go back in the
793
00:52:07,119 --> 00:52:09,599
world and give some of that back and I
794
00:52:09,599 --> 00:52:13,000
uh I worked there for six months and uh
795
00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:14,040
that is
796
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:17,290
because I couldn't take
797
00:52:17,290 --> 00:52:22,200
[Laughter]
798
00:52:22,200 --> 00:52:24,559
anymore and now let's just be clear
799
00:52:24,559 --> 00:52:26,559
about this situation had nothing to do
800
00:52:26,559 --> 00:52:28,440
do with the people that came in for the
801
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:31,359
services the problem is every morning
802
00:52:31,359 --> 00:52:34,079
they would come into the facility on the
803
00:52:34,079 --> 00:52:36,630
short
804
00:52:36,640 --> 00:52:40,559
bus and uh I got to tell you there was
805
00:52:40,559 --> 00:52:43,760
nothing that I could do to convince the
806
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:49,250
driver that I work there
807
00:52:49,260 --> 00:52:56,630
[Applause]
808
00:52:56,640 --> 00:52:58,720
I go all right man thanks I got it from
809
00:52:58,720 --> 00:53:03,390
here okay
810
00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:05,720
buddy who's a good
811
00:53:05,720 --> 00:53:09,079
helper who's a good helper you're a good
812
00:53:09,079 --> 00:53:15,829
helper on you go inside go get a
813
00:53:15,839 --> 00:53:17,960
person like I'll break your [ __ ]
814
00:53:17,960 --> 00:53:20,710
wrist
815
00:53:20,720 --> 00:53:23,319
sir all my new co-workers just looking
816
00:53:23,319 --> 00:53:27,400
out the window laughing their ass all
817
00:53:27,400 --> 00:53:29,220
send them out again send them out
818
00:53:29,220 --> 00:53:33,470
[Music]
819
00:53:33,480 --> 00:53:36,400
again 6 months of that
820
00:53:36,400 --> 00:53:39,280
[ __ ] I snapped one morning I just I
821
00:53:39,280 --> 00:53:41,839
picked up a helmet and I put it on and I
822
00:53:41,839 --> 00:53:44,050
got on the dude's bus I was
823
00:53:44,050 --> 00:53:48,240
[Laughter]
824
00:53:48,240 --> 00:53:51,440
like take me home
825
00:53:51,440 --> 00:53:53,760
[ __ ] I'm done here [ __ ]
826
00:53:53,760 --> 00:53:58,069
I'm done
827
00:53:58,079 --> 00:54:01,069
and now I do
828
00:54:01,079 --> 00:54:06,549
comedy career
829
00:54:06,559 --> 00:54:09,040
move this has been really weird for me I
830
00:54:09,040 --> 00:54:10,960
have a buddy that I've known my entire
831
00:54:10,960 --> 00:54:13,480
life we actually went to preschool
832
00:54:13,480 --> 00:54:15,880
together and um I'll just tell you this
833
00:54:15,880 --> 00:54:20,599
up front about the guy he is um He's
834
00:54:20,599 --> 00:54:22,119
Able
835
00:54:22,119 --> 00:54:25,240
Body and like you know I'm I'm fine with
836
00:54:25,240 --> 00:54:27,640
that
837
00:54:27,640 --> 00:54:30,760
I I'm I'm cool I mean it's cool I
838
00:54:30,760 --> 00:54:33,359
just you know early on I took him under
839
00:54:33,359 --> 00:54:34,910
my wing
840
00:54:34,910 --> 00:54:39,160
[Laughter]
841
00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:42,000
and showing the ways of the world and
842
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:44,430
you
843
00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:47,960
know and uh well here's the thing is
844
00:54:47,960 --> 00:54:51,440
that uh right before the pandemic he got
845
00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:53,960
married and that was really exciting I
846
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:57,359
got to be the best man and then um he
847
00:54:57,359 --> 00:55:00,200
and his wife they uh then had their
848
00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:05,390
first baby again very
849
00:55:05,400 --> 00:55:09,119
exciting but then more recently um their
850
00:55:09,119 --> 00:55:11,359
son was
851
00:55:11,359 --> 00:55:13,960
diagnosed with cereal
852
00:55:13,960 --> 00:55:17,640
py so it's it's just like interesting
853
00:55:17,640 --> 00:55:20,400
and weird because this guy that I've
854
00:55:20,400 --> 00:55:23,760
known my whole life is now coming to me
855
00:55:23,760 --> 00:55:27,480
asking me all these questions
856
00:55:27,480 --> 00:55:30,230
I'm like
857
00:55:30,240 --> 00:55:36,390
no I didn't sleep with your
858
00:55:36,400 --> 00:55:47,789
[Applause]
859
00:55:47,799 --> 00:55:53,510
wife yeah we just [ __ ]
860
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:58,589
around but if he's got hair like this
861
00:55:58,599 --> 00:56:02,860
get him
862
00:56:02,870 --> 00:56:05,480
[Music]
863
00:56:05,480 --> 00:56:08,880
checked it's just
864
00:56:08,880 --> 00:56:12,039
uh I'm sorry I this joke in my head that
865
00:56:12,039 --> 00:56:14,390
I I'm like I'm not saying
866
00:56:14,390 --> 00:56:18,150
[Music]
867
00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:22,270
[Applause]
868
00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:24,760
that all right listen guys you don't
869
00:56:24,760 --> 00:56:26,370
have to twist my arm
870
00:56:26,370 --> 00:56:33,910
[Applause]
871
00:56:33,920 --> 00:56:39,109
Sor pretty hawked up over there
872
00:56:39,119 --> 00:56:41,359
so all right well just remember you
873
00:56:41,359 --> 00:56:44,750
wanted me to say
874
00:56:44,760 --> 00:56:48,400
this so I recently discovered that you
875
00:56:48,400 --> 00:56:52,000
don't need the peanut butter for a dog
876
00:56:52,000 --> 00:56:57,120
to lick your [ __ ]
877
00:56:57,130 --> 00:57:13,710
[Applause]
878
00:57:13,720 --> 00:57:16,079
thanks
879
00:57:16,079 --> 00:57:20,000
Joel well I only bring this
880
00:57:20,000 --> 00:57:23,799
up cuz I know some of you sick [ __ ] out
881
00:57:23,799 --> 00:57:31,829
there wasting your money on peanut
882
00:57:31,839 --> 00:57:35,880
butter could be saving up for
883
00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:38,640
something all I'm saying is a dog is
884
00:57:38,640 --> 00:57:44,910
going to do it for
885
00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:48,000
free all right I would like to clarify
886
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:54,150
uh that is not a field tested
887
00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:58,240
joke I just took the element was like
888
00:57:58,240 --> 00:58:14,870
huh checks
889
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:19,240
out hey do you guys think if I die in a
890
00:58:19,240 --> 00:58:20,720
freak
891
00:58:20,720 --> 00:58:23,319
accident that the media will have the
892
00:58:23,319 --> 00:58:35,549
nerve to call it that
893
00:58:35,559 --> 00:58:38,270
I
894
00:58:38,280 --> 00:58:43,390
do [ __ ]
895
00:58:43,400 --> 00:58:45,520
jackals there a lot of bang for your
896
00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:48,039
bucking that little joke right
897
00:58:48,039 --> 00:58:51,520
there I'll tell you this when I do die I
898
00:58:51,520 --> 00:58:53,520
don't want to be
899
00:58:53,520 --> 00:59:04,430
cremated but I do want my veins to be
900
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:06,640
scattered yeah just run me through a
901
00:59:06,640 --> 00:59:10,430
wood
902
00:59:10,440 --> 00:59:16,549
chiper he loved this
903
00:59:16,559 --> 00:59:18,920
m they're never going to forget him at
904
00:59:18,920 --> 00:59:23,550
Builder bear
905
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:23,780
[Applause]
906
00:59:23,780 --> 00:59:28,119
[Laughter]
907
00:59:28,119 --> 00:59:31,549
Josh Blue juicy
908
00:59:31,559 --> 00:59:33,640
bear I will admit that I've been
909
00:59:33,640 --> 00:59:37,430
watching a lot of serial killer
910
00:59:37,440 --> 00:59:44,549
documentaries and I think I'm finally
911
00:59:44,559 --> 00:59:48,000
ready my research is
912
00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:51,760
complete time to get to
913
00:59:51,760 --> 00:59:54,599
getting I figure uh you know start in
914
00:59:54,599 --> 00:59:57,240
Colorado
915
00:59:57,240 --> 00:59:59,960
seems like a real starter
916
00:59:59,960 --> 01:00:04,520
State lot of mountains and you know and
917
01:00:04,520 --> 01:00:08,990
people that wouldn't be
918
01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:12,039
missed not you folks of
919
01:00:12,039 --> 01:00:15,440
course sure you all got a colorblind
920
01:00:15,440 --> 01:00:20,870
racist neighbor or
921
01:00:20,880 --> 01:00:24,559
something you you guys
922
01:00:24,559 --> 01:00:29,230
remember from from
923
01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:30,600
earlier just
924
01:00:30,600 --> 01:00:33,480
[Laughter]
925
01:00:33,480 --> 01:00:38,319
checking yeah uh you know me as a serial
926
01:00:38,319 --> 01:00:40,960
killer yeah the night
927
01:00:40,960 --> 01:00:45,799
[Laughter]
928
01:00:45,799 --> 01:00:48,400
stumbler I'm pretty sure forensics have
929
01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:51,200
caught up to my skill
930
01:00:51,200 --> 01:00:53,640
level they're going to catch on pretty
931
01:00:53,640 --> 01:00:55,559
quick like these strangle marks are
932
01:00:55,559 --> 01:01:01,309
really
933
01:01:01,319 --> 01:01:04,119
weird and this guy's Footprints all over
934
01:01:04,119 --> 01:01:13,829
the [ __ ]
935
01:01:13,839 --> 01:01:23,430
place this was all before he got to the
936
01:01:23,440 --> 01:01:25,920
victim the real struggle happened over
937
01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:28,829
over
938
01:01:28,839 --> 01:01:35,950
here the [ __ ] was he
939
01:01:35,960 --> 01:01:40,160
doing he try to tie his shoe or
940
01:01:40,160 --> 01:01:42,440
something are you guys seeing all these
941
01:01:42,440 --> 01:01:48,010
dog tracks
942
01:01:48,020 --> 01:01:53,270
[Applause]
943
01:01:53,270 --> 01:01:56,039
[Music]
944
01:01:56,039 --> 01:01:58,599
wait what what's that you're saying how
945
01:01:58,599 --> 01:02:03,180
the victim is another
946
01:02:03,190 --> 01:02:08,870
[Applause]
947
01:02:08,880 --> 01:02:11,359
magician oh yeah and by that tan line he
948
01:02:11,359 --> 01:02:20,710
looks like he's missing a
949
01:02:20,720 --> 01:02:23,839
watch and what do we have
950
01:02:23,839 --> 01:02:33,069
here one but a
951
01:02:33,079 --> 01:02:35,839
glove hey burn that for
952
01:02:35,839 --> 01:02:44,720
me I'm trying to frame a guy on chare
953
01:02:44,730 --> 01:02:48,549
[Applause]
954
01:02:48,559 --> 01:02:53,390
AAR you get
955
01:02:53,400 --> 01:02:56,400
it hey did you know that bow Toop was
956
01:02:56,400 --> 01:02:59,039
originally being invented to help people
957
01:02:59,039 --> 01:03:00,960
with cble
958
01:03:00,960 --> 01:03:04,760
py it's pretty cool thing man they were
959
01:03:04,760 --> 01:03:06,480
uh developing it they were trying to
960
01:03:06,480 --> 01:03:09,200
find a way so that they could inject the
961
01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:12,480
muscles so that
962
01:03:12,480 --> 01:03:19,910
um wouldn't [ __ ] do
963
01:03:19,920 --> 01:03:22,559
that well but then somewhere along the
964
01:03:22,559 --> 01:03:26,279
way they discovered that Botox
965
01:03:26,279 --> 01:03:28,599
also makes wrinkles go
966
01:03:28,599 --> 01:03:32,559
away and then they were like well [ __ ]
967
01:03:32,559 --> 01:03:36,430
cereb
968
01:03:36,440 --> 01:03:41,750
py we could really be helping
969
01:03:41,760 --> 01:03:46,119
people God forbid you had a crow
970
01:03:46,119 --> 01:03:51,710
foot the guy with the twisty arm can
971
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:56,480
wait I love that joke man
972
01:03:56,480 --> 01:03:58,359
cuz I'm sure you can feel that weird
973
01:03:58,359 --> 01:04:00,920
vibe that kind of rolls across the
974
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:03,480
room what that is is that just how the
975
01:04:03,480 --> 01:04:08,200
people with botox trying to
976
01:04:08,210 --> 01:04:13,220
[Applause]
977
01:04:13,220 --> 01:04:19,150
[Music]
978
01:04:19,160 --> 01:04:21,920
frown I guess all joking aside what I
979
01:04:21,920 --> 01:04:30,670
want to know is uh does he look younger
980
01:04:30,680 --> 01:04:33,279
no crow feed on
981
01:04:33,279 --> 01:04:35,279
that all right I got to tell you this
982
01:04:35,279 --> 01:04:37,319
one the last crazy thing that happened
983
01:04:37,319 --> 01:04:41,240
to me uh over the over the pandemic and
984
01:04:41,240 --> 01:04:43,319
this really gets me worked up man I'm
985
01:04:43,319 --> 01:04:47,920
not going to lie this is um more more uh
986
01:04:47,920 --> 01:04:50,039
it's just more offensive than the peanut
987
01:04:50,039 --> 01:04:52,670
thing
988
01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:56,520
but but it's in a much different way and
989
01:04:56,520 --> 01:04:59,720
some somehow grosser
990
01:04:59,720 --> 01:05:03,839
but all right I'll just just just tell
991
01:05:03,839 --> 01:05:06,400
you what happened so over the quarantine
992
01:05:06,400 --> 01:05:09,279
I ended up needing to get a new business
993
01:05:09,279 --> 01:05:11,760
manager which is like a very important
994
01:05:11,760 --> 01:05:15,000
role in a career but here's the thing is
995
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:18,079
that we were doing the hiring process
996
01:05:18,079 --> 01:05:22,240
over Zoom which to me is not a way to
997
01:05:22,240 --> 01:05:24,000
communicate with other people it's just
998
01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:26,440
not it's so not personal and I'm hiring
999
01:05:26,440 --> 01:05:28,480
a very important job cuz I feel like if
1000
01:05:28,480 --> 01:05:31,000
I get to meet you face to face look in
1001
01:05:31,000 --> 01:05:33,119
the eyes shake your hand I'm a pretty
1002
01:05:33,119 --> 01:05:35,799
good judge of character but like on Zoom
1003
01:05:35,799 --> 01:05:40,870
I can't even tell if you got pants on or
1004
01:05:40,880 --> 01:05:43,480
not that's how my last question of the
1005
01:05:43,480 --> 01:05:45,760
interview I'm like and uh can you please
1006
01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:46,410
stand
1007
01:05:46,410 --> 01:05:48,680
[Music]
1008
01:05:48,680 --> 01:05:57,630
up show me what you're working with
1009
01:05:57,640 --> 01:05:59,559
and if you're in a wheelchair just scoot
1010
01:05:59,559 --> 01:06:00,230
in
1011
01:06:00,230 --> 01:06:03,760
[Laughter]
1012
01:06:03,760 --> 01:06:09,950
frame I'm an equal opportunity
1013
01:06:09,960 --> 01:06:12,200
employer wouldn't that be funny if I
1014
01:06:12,200 --> 01:06:16,910
wasn't
1015
01:06:16,920 --> 01:06:22,109
though like [ __ ] these blind
1016
01:06:22,119 --> 01:06:28,910
people non seeing [ __ ]
1017
01:06:28,920 --> 01:06:34,190
go ahead and laugh they can't see
1018
01:06:34,200 --> 01:06:37,799
you anyway I hired this guy I thought he
1019
01:06:37,799 --> 01:06:40,319
was the right guy for the job and to
1020
01:06:40,319 --> 01:06:42,520
tell the truth he was doing great
1021
01:06:42,520 --> 01:06:46,319
numbers look good operations running
1022
01:06:46,319 --> 01:06:49,039
smooth so then remember when the
1023
01:06:49,039 --> 01:06:51,240
pandemic finally broke enough we could
1024
01:06:51,240 --> 01:06:52,839
start going out to
1025
01:06:52,839 --> 01:06:54,839
restaurants I was like all right let me
1026
01:06:54,839 --> 01:06:57,520
take this guy out to lunch and meet him
1027
01:06:57,520 --> 01:06:58,279
in
1028
01:06:58,279 --> 01:07:00,359
person now at
1029
01:07:00,359 --> 01:07:04,559
lunch he orders a sub
1030
01:07:04,559 --> 01:07:07,160
sandwich and you know when you get your
1031
01:07:07,160 --> 01:07:11,000
sub there's the cut end and then there's
1032
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:13,640
the heel
1033
01:07:13,640 --> 01:07:27,280
end he [ __ ] ate it from the heel end
1034
01:07:27,290 --> 01:07:35,390
[Music]
1035
01:07:35,400 --> 01:07:40,470
what kind of [ __ ]
1036
01:07:40,480 --> 01:07:43,720
animal eats up from the heel
1037
01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:47,160
end I had never seen no [ __ ] like
1038
01:07:47,160 --> 01:07:50,520
that I fired him on the
1039
01:07:50,520 --> 01:07:52,920
spot I was like we are done here you
1040
01:07:52,920 --> 01:07:55,599
psycho
1041
01:07:55,599 --> 01:07:57,760
changing
1042
01:07:57,760 --> 01:08:00,640
passwords seriously how about this show
1043
01:08:00,640 --> 01:08:03,000
hands right now you ever seen anybody do
1044
01:08:03,000 --> 01:08:05,599
that no cuz it's not a [ __ ] thing
1045
01:08:05,599 --> 01:08:08,870
that you
1046
01:08:08,880 --> 01:08:11,799
do oh yeah now you want to be a member
1047
01:08:11,799 --> 01:08:15,279
of our society get the [ __ ] out of
1048
01:08:15,279 --> 01:08:21,189
here a chinella knows better than
1049
01:08:21,199 --> 01:08:25,000
that and look I know that our country is
1050
01:08:25,000 --> 01:08:27,880
very politically divided right now but I
1051
01:08:27,880 --> 01:08:31,279
am uh pretty sure we can come together
1052
01:08:31,279 --> 01:08:33,120
on
1053
01:08:33,120 --> 01:08:35,759
this don't eat the
1054
01:08:35,759 --> 01:08:43,420
heand and then burp your
1055
01:08:43,430 --> 01:08:44,880
[Applause]
1056
01:08:44,880 --> 01:08:47,440
buddy oh you know who does eat it from
1057
01:08:47,440 --> 01:08:51,390
the healing [ __ ]
1058
01:08:51,400 --> 01:08:53,960
magicians you guys are awesome thank you
1059
01:08:53,960 --> 01:09:09,910
so much
1060
01:09:09,920 --> 01:09:16,229
[Applause]
1061
01:09:16,239 --> 01:09:19,870
you think
1062
01:09:19,880 --> 01:09:23,830
that a sun like survival
1063
01:09:23,830 --> 01:09:26,000
[Music]
1064
01:09:26,000 --> 01:09:29,799
you I where do you write your material
1065
01:09:29,799 --> 01:09:33,030
this is it
1066
01:09:33,040 --> 01:09:35,640
bud I really write I mean I don't ever
1067
01:09:35,640 --> 01:09:37,839
write anything down I'm really serious I
1068
01:09:37,839 --> 01:09:41,040
don't like I always said this if I ever
1069
01:09:41,040 --> 01:09:45,839
put like a little bit of effort into
1070
01:09:45,839 --> 01:09:51,429
this I could be really [ __ ] good
1071
01:09:51,439 --> 01:09:56,040
[Applause]
1072
01:09:56,040 --> 01:09:58,560
but just don't
1073
01:09:58,560 --> 01:10:04,270
care you one left make it
1074
01:10:04,280 --> 01:10:08,750
good you know
1075
01:10:08,760 --> 01:10:36,270
[Applause]
1076
01:10:36,280 --> 01:10:45,189
[Music]
1077
01:10:45,199 --> 01:10:47,159
you know it's okay for a [ __ ] to beat
1078
01:10:47,159 --> 01:10:52,500
up a woman right
1079
01:10:52,510 --> 01:10:57,550
[Applause]
1080
01:10:57,560 --> 01:10:58,960
[Music]68798
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