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2x15 - "Ultimate Deadpool"
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00:00:03,585 --> 00:00:07,342
Welcome to the glamorous life
of your favorite superhero.
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00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,508
"Is he being sarcastic?" you ask.
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00:00:10,550 --> 00:00:13,050
Yes. Yes he is.
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Normally I have it great.
Got the cool powers, the cool team,
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the coolest life possible.
But today, ugh, I've got zero cash,
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A grueling day of training ahead,
and... I am soaked to my webs.
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00:00:29,758 --> 00:00:33,050
- Sometimes I just...
- [Deadpool] Boring!
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Focus your eyeholes on this, spudley.
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00:00:36,050 --> 00:00:41,008
A kung fu fiesta. Arriba-san!
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00:00:46,592 --> 00:00:48,717
Hiyah!
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00:00:48,758 --> 00:00:52,383
Hwah!
[laughs]
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00:00:52,425 --> 00:00:55,633
[video-game voice] Double
wedgie achievement unlocked.
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00:00:55,675 --> 00:00:58,508
Dang skippy.
Where are my manners?
15
00:00:58,550 --> 00:01:01,425
Introductions.
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00:01:01,467 --> 00:01:03,342
Call me Deadpool.
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00:01:03,383 --> 00:01:06,342
It rhymes with "no school,"
"too cool," "ain't no fool,"
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00:01:06,383 --> 00:01:08,633
and "I'm the best that
there is at what I do... ool."
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00:01:08,675 --> 00:01:10,508
Moving on.
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I'm on a mission to find
the secret HQ of Taskmaster.
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The big boss for these cheese clowns.
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And nothin', but nothin',
better get in my way.
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00:01:18,383 --> 00:01:20,383
What, like the dozen
swords in your back?
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00:01:20,425 --> 00:01:23,467
[laughs] I don't
have swords in my...
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00:01:23,502 --> 00:01:26,300
Yuck. Gonna go hurl now.
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00:01:26,335 --> 00:01:27,550
Huh, that's gonna leave a mark.
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00:01:27,592 --> 00:01:30,550
Oh wait. No it isn't.
I have a healing factor.
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[laughs] Yay me!
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'Scuse me while I
pull these pot stickers
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out of my spleen and knock
some heads. Deadpool, out.
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Hey, where'd you guys go?
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Spider-Man stinks!
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Aah!
Ugh!
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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ addic7ed.com ~
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[Deadpool] It's ultimate Deadpool!
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Yeah. You got 'pooled.
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Ha-cha.
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00:02:04,467 --> 00:02:06,592
[ Mini-Spidey] Ugh, p-u.
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00:02:09,175 --> 00:02:10,467
Hey, web-head.
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00:02:10,508 --> 00:02:14,175
- Wow, you stink.
- So I've heard.
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00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:15,508
It's like I've had a
target on my back all day.
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Last at training, first at bat.
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Spider-sense tingle...
uh-oh.
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Ugh!
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00:02:23,425 --> 00:02:25,467
[laughing]
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Not impressed.
20 minute course run.
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[Coulson] Everyone else take five.
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00:02:31,508 --> 00:02:36,092
Stupid robots.
Stupid SHIELD training... aah!
49
00:02:36,127 --> 00:02:38,050
Could this get any worse?
50
00:02:41,550 --> 00:02:44,383
[Deadpool] Fury's stupid
program was totally worth it.
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00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:48,092
I'm telling ya', stick with it
and bam, pow, shabang,
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00:02:48,133 --> 00:02:51,133
you too might someday defeat
half the Latverian army.
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00:02:51,175 --> 00:02:54,050
Like I did,
as I'm sure you've heard.
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00:02:54,092 --> 00:03:00,133
- Plus, I 'stached Doctor Doom.
- You? 'Stached Doctor Doom?
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00:03:00,175 --> 00:03:02,092
Check it.
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00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:06,425
I will crush you.
Crush. You. All!
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00:03:06,467 --> 00:03:11,217
Why are you laughing?
Do I have something on my face?
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Deadpool!
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[laughter]
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00:03:15,342 --> 00:03:18,133
I missed your laugh the most, Tiger.
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00:03:18,175 --> 00:03:21,258
And I mean that for realsies.
BFF's, 'kay?
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00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:24,342
Ugh, anyone smell barbecued bug?
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00:03:24,383 --> 00:03:26,217
It's been kind of a rough day.
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00:03:26,258 --> 00:03:29,467
- I'm...
- Extremely ripe! Yeesh.
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00:03:29,502 --> 00:03:33,175
Here. Strong enough for a
man, but made for a spider.
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00:03:35,342 --> 00:03:38,092
So you're Fury's newest guppy.
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00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:40,175
Arachni-boy, right?
Big fan, big fan.
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00:03:40,217 --> 00:03:43,300
I follow all your flops
on "superhero fails."
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00:03:43,342 --> 00:03:44,425
Aah!
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Ugh!
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[laughs]
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00:03:48,425 --> 00:03:50,092
What?
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00:03:50,127 --> 00:03:51,967
[Deadpool] Ah, you are
comedy gold, my friend.
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00:03:52,008 --> 00:03:55,258
Or at least comedy oatmeal.
As for me, you already know,
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I'm Deadpool.
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Superhero supreme with a side of bam.
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Nice to see you kept my color scheme
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00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:03,925
when you copied my suit.
Am I, like, your idol?
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00:04:03,967 --> 00:04:06,342
Never heard of you.
I designed this costume myself.
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00:04:06,383 --> 00:04:10,258
Sure.
Black and white eyes, red suit.
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00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,133
Though you made it your own
with the crossword theme.
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00:04:12,175 --> 00:04:16,008
Oh wait. Webs!
Those are webs. [laughs]
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00:04:16,050 --> 00:04:18,008
No pouches though.
You need pouches.
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00:04:18,050 --> 00:04:21,050
Which reminds me why I'm here.
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Gotta' use the little boys' computer.
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Someone explain. Now.
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- [Spider-Man] Not Nova.
- Deadpool used to train with us.
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00:04:28,425 --> 00:04:31,133
He left Fury's Hero program
right before you got here.
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00:04:31,175 --> 00:04:36,050
He follows his own drummer.
And man, his drummer drums loud.
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00:04:36,085 --> 00:04:39,175
Now he's living the dream.
A freelance hero.
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Fun, freedom, and fighting
crime however he wants.
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Deadpool is the best. The best.
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- Everybody loves him.
- Everybody? Even Fury?
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00:04:49,383 --> 00:04:53,300
[Fury] If I had a son, I'd
want him to be just like you.
95
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:55,050
Here, have an eye-patch.
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00:04:55,092 --> 00:04:57,092
It's true. Nick totally adopted me.
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I have papers. And the eye patch.
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- I wear it under my mask.
- How are you in my head?
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00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:05,258
Maybe I'm not.
You're in my head.
100
00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:07,967
Am I blowing your mind yet?
101
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:10,050
Why the alumni visit, Deadpool?
102
00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:13,092
Long story short, this
bad dude, Agent MacGuffin,
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swiped encrypted SHIELD files
with the secret identities
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of every known hero.
Including mine!
105
00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:20,258
And yours. And hers.
106
00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:22,050
And his.
And his. And his.
107
00:05:22,092 --> 00:05:23,883
That's huge.
108
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We should be on that case.
Why didn't Fury tell us?
109
00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:31,300
Word is that Fury left his SHIELD
tablet in a hotel bathroom. [laughs]
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00:05:31,335 --> 00:05:33,883
So you can see why he'd
want to be discrete.
111
00:05:33,925 --> 00:05:35,300
Now, see I agreed to help
even though Fury and me
112
00:05:35,342 --> 00:05:39,217
don't always see eye to eye.
Now, do you get that?
113
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Eye to eye?
Eye to eye!
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Hm, get it? [laughs]
115
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:50,092
- Yeah, I do eye jokes too.
- Plus, you know how busy Fury is.
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00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:53,925
I'm sure he's doing something
important as we speak.
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[monkeys screeching]
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Deadpool.
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00:06:02,092 --> 00:06:04,842
[Deadpool laughs]
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Gotcha.
Well, since I've got all the info I need
121
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,050
about Agent MacGuffin, that creep,
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00:06:11,092 --> 00:06:14,883
I figure it's time to get back
to all the fun of being me.
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00:06:16,092 --> 00:06:17,967
Spider-Man, back to training.
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00:06:18,008 --> 00:06:20,050
I got 20 new SHIELD-bots
with your name on 'em.
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00:06:20,092 --> 00:06:22,842
Here's a thought, how
about I come with you?
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00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:26,175
- Shadow the old Spidey?
- The first Deadpool.
127
00:06:26,217 --> 00:06:28,175
Yeah, whatever. This
MacGuffin thing is serious.
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00:06:28,217 --> 00:06:32,175
And hero graduate or other,
I think you could use some backup.
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00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:34,842
And, to be honest, at this exact moment
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00:06:34,883 --> 00:06:36,133
your life sounds way cooler than mine.
131
00:06:36,175 --> 00:06:39,842
Ah, you seek to learn from the master.
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Today, you become a man.
A Spider-Man.
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00:06:44,793 --> 00:06:45,883
See ya, peeps.
134
00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:47,758
[Spider-Man] Whoa!
135
00:06:47,793 --> 00:06:49,092
[laughs]
136
00:06:49,127 --> 00:06:52,758
Spidey's about to get 'pooled.
137
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:55,800
Is Deadpool here?
Did he take anything?
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[monkey screeches]
139
00:06:57,050 --> 00:07:00,175
[whistling, yawning]
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00:07:00,816 --> 00:07:02,967
[Spider-Man]
You've got to be kidding me.
141
00:07:03,008 --> 00:07:04,883
You have your own personal jet?
142
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,925
Yup. It was a present
from one Tony Stark.
143
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,728
"I owe you."
144
00:07:12,050 --> 00:07:14,133
He never gave me a jet.
145
00:07:14,175 --> 00:07:16,050
Seriously, from one
super dude to another,
146
00:07:16,092 --> 00:07:19,925
- what's your secret?
- Origin story time!
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Yeah!
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00:07:21,717 --> 00:07:24,092
[Deadpool] Ever since I can remember,
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I've always been a fighter.
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00:07:26,675 --> 00:07:28,465
[Spider-Man]
How am I in your origin story?
151
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:29,800
[Deadpool] Don't question greatness.
152
00:07:29,842 --> 00:07:32,633
It was like genetic
engineering or whatever.
153
00:07:32,675 --> 00:07:34,800
[Deadpool] I didn't pay
attention in social studies.
154
00:07:34,842 --> 00:07:39,092
I was a normal baby for 30 seconds.
Then ninjas stole my mama.
155
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[crying]
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Nick Fury saw my awesome, took me in,
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suckled me on the sweet milk of justice.
158
00:07:46,050 --> 00:07:50,883
- Um, ew?
- You're a good listener. I like you.
159
00:07:50,925 --> 00:07:53,883
Some advice, ditch Fury.
Go freelance, like me.
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00:07:53,925 --> 00:07:57,925
No rules, more fun and money.
Lotsa' money.
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00:07:57,967 --> 00:08:00,758
Wait. You get paid?
162
00:08:00,793 --> 00:08:04,008
I get zapped by robots,
and you get paid.
163
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,842
Freelance hero sounds pretty good.
164
00:08:06,883 --> 00:08:10,758
Uh-oh! Dots.
165
00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:12,883
[both] Aah, jetpacks!
Jinx.
166
00:08:14,925 --> 00:08:18,800
As I suspected. Agent MacGuffin
is selling SHIELD secrets
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00:08:18,835 --> 00:08:21,717
to evil forces of evil.
I have a plan.
168
00:08:21,758 --> 00:08:25,675
- Plan?
- Improvisation. It's my jam.
169
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Aah!
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00:08:26,877 --> 00:08:30,008
Oh, a screaming contest.
Aah!
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Told ya' I had a plan.
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[singing] La, la, la, la.
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Easy come, easy go.
[laughs] I rhymed.
174
00:09:03,925 --> 00:09:05,592
So weird.
175
00:09:05,633 --> 00:09:07,592
These guys look a lot like Taskmaster.
176
00:09:07,633 --> 00:09:08,717
[Spider-Man] Bad dude.
177
00:09:08,758 --> 00:09:11,550
He can copy anyone's fighting style
just by watching them.
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00:09:11,633 --> 00:09:13,800
- Tried to recruit me once.
- 'Stache.
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00:09:13,842 --> 00:09:14,925
How do you keep doing that?
180
00:09:14,967 --> 00:09:17,592
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, shiny.
181
00:09:17,633 --> 00:09:20,008
- What is that?
- You see my spidey-sense?
182
00:09:20,050 --> 00:09:22,008
It's this thing in my brain
that warns me of danger.
183
00:09:22,050 --> 00:09:24,675
I'll give you a thousand
bucks for your brain.
184
00:09:24,717 --> 00:09:26,592
Wait. Danger?
185
00:09:26,627 --> 00:09:29,675
[both] This is gonna' hurt. Jinx.
186
00:09:36,583 --> 00:09:39,292
Grunt of effort!
187
00:09:42,217 --> 00:09:45,258
Aah!
188
00:09:47,175 --> 00:09:48,342
Wee!
189
00:09:48,377 --> 00:09:51,312
Hey, I'm still falling.
190
00:09:51,454 --> 00:09:54,008
Dude, what kind of plan was that?
191
00:09:54,050 --> 00:09:55,383
If it weren't for my
trusty web-shooters,
192
00:09:55,425 --> 00:09:57,092
I'd be bug paste right now.
193
00:09:57,133 --> 00:10:00,508
Ah, so "by the book."
But if you're gonna' go freelance
194
00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:04,092
you have to learn to
live a little, Spidey.
195
00:10:04,133 --> 00:10:06,092
Whoa! Aah!
196
00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:10,425
Aim for the leafy parts.
Foliage is your friend.
197
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,092
Ugh.
198
00:10:12,127 --> 00:10:13,467
[Deadpool laughs]
199
00:10:13,508 --> 00:10:17,300
Oh, our landings were so different.
200
00:10:17,335 --> 00:10:20,133
Aah! Ugh.
201
00:10:20,168 --> 00:10:21,217
I think I've had enough of you.
202
00:10:21,258 --> 00:10:24,175
Shh... hush, little hero.
203
00:10:24,217 --> 00:10:27,196
Luxuriate in the beat of
your heart, the feeling
204
00:10:27,197 --> 00:10:30,175
you might puke if someone
offered you fish sticks.
205
00:10:30,210 --> 00:10:32,175
Steaming hot.
206
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:36,133
[wretches]
207
00:10:36,175 --> 00:10:38,258
I have gum!
208
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:41,383
I'm starting to rethink
this little field trip.
209
00:10:41,418 --> 00:10:43,133
Just tell me what your plan is.
210
00:10:43,175 --> 00:10:47,258
We go into that compound, find
Agent MacGuffin, snag the list,
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00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:49,467
then un-alive Taskmaster
and his acolytes, capiche?
212
00:10:49,508 --> 00:10:53,467
- Wait, un-alive them?
- Yeah, yeah here's the thing,
213
00:10:53,508 --> 00:10:56,092
I can't really say the k-word out loud.
214
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,300
It's a weird mental tick. [laughs]
215
00:10:58,342 --> 00:11:00,050
But we're gonna destroy
them, make them disappear,
216
00:11:00,092 --> 00:11:02,383
sleep them with the
fishes. We'll k-word them.
217
00:11:02,467 --> 00:11:05,342
K-word?
You mean you want to kill them?
218
00:11:05,383 --> 00:11:08,008
Whoa, yeah,
219
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:10,092
that does sound bad
when you say it out loud.
220
00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:12,217
And yes,
we're going to un-alive them.
221
00:11:12,258 --> 00:11:16,008
We can't un-alive them.
We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!
222
00:11:25,025 --> 00:11:30,067
- Huh?
- I said no.
223
00:11:30,108 --> 00:11:31,858
Boy you've got a short fuse.
224
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,067
Me too!
225
00:11:36,067 --> 00:11:37,942
Huh? Run!
226
00:11:37,977 --> 00:11:41,150
Aah!
227
00:11:41,192 --> 00:11:42,317
Huh?
228
00:11:42,352 --> 00:11:45,858
Break dancing. Ow!
229
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:51,108
What's your hang up, webs?
230
00:11:54,317 --> 00:11:57,275
[laughs] See how I did that?
"Webs" and "hanging?"
231
00:11:57,317 --> 00:12:01,067
Yeah, I saw what you did.
You tried to blow those guys up.
232
00:12:01,108 --> 00:12:06,067
Ugh, guilt over a little spilt guts?
I used to be the same.
233
00:12:06,108 --> 00:12:07,900
I bet you have a little
angel on your shoulder
234
00:12:07,942 --> 00:12:09,942
Telling you un-Aliving someone is bad.
235
00:12:09,983 --> 00:12:13,817
[angel Spidey sings] Ah, ah, ah, ah.
236
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:17,108
[mini-Deadpool]
Psst, that's SHIELD brainwashing 101.
237
00:12:17,143 --> 00:12:21,775
You wanna' earn the big bucks?
Ditch the rules for once.
238
00:12:21,817 --> 00:12:24,858
You're not a freelance hero.
You're a mercenary.
239
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:27,108
You'll do anything for
money. Well, forget it.
240
00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:30,858
Okay, prince goody-two-webs.
That's cool. Righteous...
241
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:34,150
But the bad guys ain't
gonna return the favor.
242
00:12:35,025 --> 00:12:37,983
- Ow?
- Eh, whatevs. You know,
243
00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:39,983
I got a healing factor that
makes Wolverine go like...
244
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:43,692
"Uh, I wish I had Deadpool's
healing factor, bub."
245
00:12:43,733 --> 00:12:45,150
It's all in my origin story.
246
00:12:45,192 --> 00:12:46,942
Once, a nerdy little kid
247
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:49,067
fell into a radioactive swimming pool.
248
00:12:49,108 --> 00:12:51,983
And he emerged with incredible powers.
249
00:12:52,025 --> 00:12:53,108
[Spider-Man] Enough.
250
00:12:53,150 --> 00:12:57,817
[Taskmaster] Spider-Man.
Nice of you to finally visit my school.
251
00:12:57,858 --> 00:13:00,942
Unfortunately I'm no
longer accepting applicants.
252
00:13:00,977 --> 00:13:04,025
We've come for the list of
SHIELD Agents, Taskmaster.
253
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:07,983
- And for Agent MacGuffin.
- We who?
254
00:13:08,025 --> 00:13:11,733
Me and Dead...
Deadpool!
255
00:13:11,775 --> 00:13:14,692
Deadpool is here?
256
00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:17,108
What?
257
00:13:17,150 --> 00:13:20,108
Boogity-boo!
258
00:13:20,150 --> 00:13:22,066
[laughs]
259
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:23,983
Did you miss me?
260
00:13:24,025 --> 00:13:29,108
You. You're out of your mind to
come here. I will destroy you.
261
00:13:31,983 --> 00:13:33,900
Dude, how...
262
00:13:33,935 --> 00:13:36,108
Taskmaster can copy your moves
just by watching you fight.
263
00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:39,733
Uh, maybe your moves, binky.
Check it.
264
00:13:39,775 --> 00:13:42,775
How do you like this?
Wa-hoo!
265
00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:50,733
Set the body to "stun."
266
00:13:50,775 --> 00:13:54,067
[sings] Gonna catch ya'.
Gonna catch ya'!
267
00:13:54,108 --> 00:13:56,562
What I tell ya'?
What I tell ya'?
268
00:13:56,597 --> 00:13:59,650
I said I'd get ya'.
Uh-huh.
269
00:13:59,692 --> 00:14:01,942
Shaking my milkshake.
Oh yeah.
270
00:14:01,983 --> 00:14:03,775
Shake it back and forth.
Uh-huh, you know it.
271
00:14:03,817 --> 00:14:05,858
You love it. Uh!
272
00:14:05,900 --> 00:14:07,942
Uh-huh.
273
00:14:07,983 --> 00:14:12,650
- Open up wide, Tasky.
- [Spider-Man] No!
274
00:14:12,692 --> 00:14:14,817
You know, sometimes you are just no fun.
275
00:14:14,858 --> 00:14:17,775
We'll discuss our
definitions of "fun" later.
276
00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:23,775
Let's get this SHIELD drive out of here
277
00:14:23,817 --> 00:14:25,650
before anyone's secret
identity gets revealed.
278
00:14:25,692 --> 00:14:28,775
Oh wait, wait.
I want to watch this one.
279
00:14:28,817 --> 00:14:30,817
Nope.
280
00:14:30,858 --> 00:14:33,983
Oh, come on.
I thought we bonded.
281
00:14:34,025 --> 00:14:36,900
Wait, let me guess.
You're Aaron Applebaum.
282
00:14:36,942 --> 00:14:38,733
Aaron Astin. Aaron Atwater!
283
00:14:38,775 --> 00:14:40,733
Are you just going to keep
yelling names from "A" to "Z"
284
00:14:40,775 --> 00:14:43,817
- until you guess?
- No.
285
00:14:43,858 --> 00:14:46,567
- Barry Barrington!
- You're not well.
286
00:14:46,608 --> 00:14:48,692
[laughs] I know.
287
00:14:48,727 --> 00:14:50,650
Oh, cool. What's that?
288
00:14:50,692 --> 00:14:52,692
I'm gonna call SHIELD so
they can pick up the file
289
00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:55,567
- and Taskmaster.
- Oops! You broke it.
290
00:14:55,602 --> 00:14:57,733
Hey! What'd you do that for?
291
00:14:57,768 --> 00:14:58,900
[Taskmaster] Oh, Spider-Man.
292
00:14:58,942 --> 00:15:02,942
If you'd studied with me instead of Fury
you might not be so naive.
293
00:15:02,983 --> 00:15:06,817
Who do think I stole the identity
list from in the fist place?
294
00:15:06,858 --> 00:15:09,817
- Agent MacGuffin?
- Heh. Confession time.
295
00:15:10,858 --> 00:15:13,733
- Yeah, it was me.
- You?
296
00:15:13,775 --> 00:15:15,858
And there is no Agent
MacGuffin. [laughs]
297
00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:18,379
And also I stole the list
from SHIELD, but Taskmaster
298
00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:20,858
swiped it from me when I
left my pouches in the potty.
299
00:15:20,893 --> 00:15:22,525
What?
300
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:24,650
Dude, couldn't help it.
I had indian food.
301
00:15:24,692 --> 00:15:26,600
My legs went numb I
was in there so long.
302
00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,525
You stole the list? Why?
303
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:32,053
[laughs]
To sell it, silly. Ca-ching!
304
00:15:32,088 --> 00:15:35,900
I tell you what,
ditch Fury and I'll cut you in for 10%.
305
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,733
We'll be a team. But I get top billing.
306
00:15:38,775 --> 00:15:43,442
- So, we're gonna fight, then?
- Yeah, pretty much.
307
00:15:43,483 --> 00:15:46,608
Okay... Boom.
308
00:15:46,643 --> 00:15:50,375
Seriously?
I hate you, Deadpool.
309
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:53,129
[Deadpool] I know you mean "love."
310
00:15:59,508 --> 00:16:01,633
Whoa, don't break that.
That's a collector's item.
311
00:16:09,592 --> 00:16:11,342
Are you out of your mind?
312
00:16:11,383 --> 00:16:13,383
Totally. But I know that list
313
00:16:13,418 --> 00:16:15,342
is going to make some
super villain very happy.
314
00:16:15,383 --> 00:16:17,592
And that's gonna make me very rich.
315
00:16:17,633 --> 00:16:21,592
So hand it over and I'll only
partially un-alive you.
316
00:16:21,633 --> 00:16:23,675
Yikes.
317
00:16:26,383 --> 00:16:27,633
[both] Huh?
318
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:30,009
Duck!
319
00:16:30,044 --> 00:16:32,175
[bubbling] No, piranhas!
320
00:16:32,258 --> 00:16:34,217
Aah!
321
00:16:34,258 --> 00:16:37,217
They're so bitey.
322
00:16:37,258 --> 00:16:39,633
Oh that's so much funnier when
it happens to someone else.
323
00:16:39,675 --> 00:16:42,633
- Booby traps.
- [laughs] You said, "traps."
324
00:16:46,425 --> 00:16:49,175
I can't believe I
actually looked up to you.
325
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:52,508
- You're just as bad as Taskmaster.
- Sometimes.
326
00:16:52,550 --> 00:16:56,217
And sometimes I'm bad for money,
sometimes I'm good for money.
327
00:16:56,252 --> 00:16:58,592
As long as I'm having
fun with said money,
328
00:16:58,633 --> 00:17:02,258
I make my own rules.
What was that?
329
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:07,550
Aah!
330
00:17:07,592 --> 00:17:10,550
You can't just do whatever you want
without the consequences.
331
00:17:10,592 --> 00:17:12,258
That's how people get hurt.
332
00:17:12,293 --> 00:17:17,175
Ugh, come on, you sound just
like Fury. Except not as cool.
333
00:17:17,217 --> 00:17:19,342
It'll help if I pop out your eye.
334
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:25,133
You're good... for a total psycho.
335
00:17:25,175 --> 00:17:26,467
[laughs]
336
00:17:26,508 --> 00:17:30,300
Oh goody, oh, it's
the insult game, okay.
337
00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:33,175
They should call you "elevator operator"
338
00:17:33,217 --> 00:17:35,217
'cause you're bringing me down.
339
00:17:35,252 --> 00:17:40,425
Or "tonsils" 'cause you're
a pain in the neck. Ba-boosh!
340
00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:44,133
Lame. Next you'll be telling
me to "go soak my head."
341
00:17:44,175 --> 00:17:47,300
Ah, what a swellegant idea.
342
00:17:47,342 --> 00:17:51,467
But it'll look a lot funnier
in my imagination.
343
00:17:51,502 --> 00:17:53,467
What?
344
00:17:56,217 --> 00:17:59,467
Spider-Man,
go soak your head.
345
00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:05,342
Stop doing that. You
can't attack me with puns.
346
00:18:05,383 --> 00:18:09,175
Puns and bullets and
pointy things. Yes I can.
347
00:18:09,210 --> 00:18:15,175
I'm running the show now.
And this is just the tip of the spear.
348
00:18:15,217 --> 00:18:18,467
This fight is getting fishy.
349
00:18:18,508 --> 00:18:21,217
Smooth moves, but I
gotta' give you the hook.
350
00:18:23,342 --> 00:18:26,092
You can't just string this along.
351
00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:31,467
Arr, fancy meeting you
here, me wee squiggly spider.
352
00:18:31,508 --> 00:18:35,217
Huh?
353
00:18:35,258 --> 00:18:38,092
- Fun house!
- More like a mad house.
354
00:18:38,127 --> 00:18:41,133
You're getting a kick
out of this, aren't you?
355
00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:49,342
Fight me any way you want.
You're not getting that list.
356
00:18:53,217 --> 00:18:55,425
Aah! Hey!
357
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:58,217
Welcome to the funny
farm. Where you belong.
358
00:18:58,258 --> 00:19:02,175
[laughs] Don't count
your chickens just yet.
359
00:19:07,217 --> 00:19:10,342
Aah!
360
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:15,008
I can fantasy fight
'til the cows come home.
361
00:19:16,467 --> 00:19:20,050
Ow. Ow ow ow.
Sue-wee! Ow.
362
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:23,342
Oh, I walked into that one. Ow.
363
00:19:23,425 --> 00:19:26,133
Don't you ever take anything seriously?
364
00:19:26,175 --> 00:19:30,217
Your SHIELD training? Fury's
rules? Responsibilities?
365
00:19:30,258 --> 00:19:33,175
Forget SHIELD. Forget rules.
366
00:19:33,210 --> 00:19:36,342
Forget that these shiny sticks
are swords and hop right on.
367
00:19:38,342 --> 00:19:42,133
There's one rule I'll never forget.
I'm throwing the book at you.
368
00:19:42,175 --> 00:19:46,383
Oh, see I knew you had a pouch.
Copycat!
369
00:19:46,425 --> 00:19:50,258
[book voice] With great power,
comes great responsibility.
370
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:54,258
Ugh, that's not very clever.
Or funny...
371
00:20:02,258 --> 00:20:07,092
- Eh, I mastered "fantasy fu."
- Morality, ha!
372
00:20:07,133 --> 00:20:09,383
You know, we don't all
have the luxury of morals.
373
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:11,300
Have I told you my origin story?
374
00:20:11,342 --> 00:20:15,175
Like a billion times, now.
How about telling me the truth?
375
00:20:15,210 --> 00:20:20,133
- You can't handle the truth.
- Really?
376
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:23,175
Fine.
So once there was a kid,
377
00:20:23,217 --> 00:20:25,467
a weird, special kid.
378
00:20:25,508 --> 00:20:27,383
And his life was a toilet.
379
00:20:27,418 --> 00:20:29,425
Maybe somebody treated him badly.
380
00:20:29,460 --> 00:20:32,425
Maybe he got hurt by bad people.
381
00:20:38,217 --> 00:20:41,092
So maybe Fury's hero-school
was the boost he needed.
382
00:20:43,092 --> 00:20:46,133
And for a while, the kid
bought what Fury was selling.
383
00:20:46,168 --> 00:20:49,425
Until he realized it was
more fun to laugh at the pain.
384
00:20:49,467 --> 00:20:52,425
To hurt those that hurt
you, times a thousand.
385
00:20:52,467 --> 00:20:55,175
Forget it!
You wouldn't understand.
386
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:58,342
Actually I do.
If things had gone a little bit differently,
387
00:20:58,383 --> 00:21:00,425
I could have been just like Deadpool.
388
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:04,667
Okay, so I'm gonna call this one, bugs.
You beat me fair and square,
389
00:21:04,668 --> 00:21:06,352
makin' me feel emotions and stuff...
390
00:21:06,462 --> 00:21:09,976
so I'm gonna go home, cry myself
to sleep by my bed made of money!
391
00:21:10,105 --> 00:21:12,981
Hang on!
You're coming back to SHIELD too.
392
00:21:13,028 --> 00:21:17,468
- You have to face Fury.
- "You have to face Fury." [laughs]
393
00:21:17,546 --> 00:21:19,450
You're hilarious.
394
00:21:19,492 --> 00:21:22,511
Smell ya' later, sucker.
Bye, Spider-Man.
395
00:21:22,598 --> 00:21:24,367
Ouch, my butt's burning!
396
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:28,451
Weirdest fight ever.
But at least I got the list back.
397
00:21:28,572 --> 00:21:30,423
Sure did. You da man.
398
00:21:30,701 --> 00:21:33,215
You know, I know a guy who'd
pay top dollar for that... aah!
399
00:21:33,448 --> 00:21:35,557
Yes I am the man.
400
00:21:35,735 --> 00:21:37,640
The Spider-Man.
401
00:21:39,098 --> 00:21:42,182
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402
00:21:42,232 --> 00:21:46,782
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