Original subtitles

2x09 - House Arrest

[screams] Ugh!

Yep, it's your friendly neighborhood me,

getting beaten up by a guy in a bear suit.

Grizzly! Another run of the mill thief in an exo bear suit.

He's on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s most wanted list

at number one... hundred and seventy-three.

[growls]

[Spiderman] You're "barely" a challenge.

Stopped grizzly from stealing a picnic basket full of diamonds.

[grunts]

Uh oh!

Isn't there a forest fire you should be putting out somewhere?

Think about it.

Huh? Hey! I'm gonna pound you!

My bear hug will shut you up once and for all!

Great! Another tight squeeze,

as if I don't have enough of those in my life.

My house is barely big enough for me and Aunt May.

But with the whole gang? I'm starting to think it was

a bad idea inviting them to stay while the helicarrier is being rebuilt.

Power Man using all the hot water.

White Tiger hogging the computer.

Nova "helping" with the cooking.

Iron Fist with his [coughs] incense.

[coughing]

All things considered, getting mauled by a guy in a bear suit

is better than going home.

Webs, looks like you need a hand.

Come on, guys. I don't need you here. I got this one covered.

- Is that so? - Uh-oh. Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Ow!

[screaming]

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Griz ain't too clear on the whole Spiderman thing, is he?

So distracted, I almost got myself street spanked.

I've gotta talk to the team about giving me my elbow room.

Seriously, of all the exoskeleton suits you could wear... a bear?

Are we now officially out of animals to make super villains out of?

- Hiyah! - Whoa!

Kiyah kiyah! Kiyah!

Finally! My turn!

[grunts]

[yells]

Uh-oh. I usually just leave the

"from your friendly neighborhood Spider-man" note and split.

Otherwise there's all this paperwork. I hate paperwork.

Im gonna blow. Can you guys help me out with the boys in... blue?

Oh, great. Just great.

Anybody home? Anybody?

Well, Aunt May left us alone for the weekend.

Maybe one of my teammates, you know the guys that left me

alone to deal with the po-po all by myself. Huh?!

You're back? Already? That was fast.

Umm, here, put away your books!

Huh? Huh?

You! Oh, um... your room is a mess.

Uh, go upstairs and clean it.

Since when do you give me orders?

- Trash duty! - Whoa whoa!

- Thank you, friend. - I'm not on trash duty this week!

- And what are you doing? - Nothing.

What's going on here?

[cell phone rings]

Hey, M.J.

No. Um, I can't talk right now

because of that... "thing" that we talked about.

Why is she calling you? Hey, I want to...

[doorbell rings]

Now what?

That's why you ditched me?

So you could come home and throw a party?

- Um, surprise? - We are not having a party!

I don't want Flash Thompson touching my stuff!

Besides, in case you've forgotten,

we have the one-eyed big brother looking over us.

If we have a party, Fury will hear all about it.

Relax. You guys change. Nova's got it covered.

[grunts]

I always worry when you say you've got it covered.

I just shut off the S.H.I.E.L.D. devices

when I don't want Fury peeking in on my personal time.

Burn those buns, ladies! No pain, no gain!

Cut! No no no no no! Cut cut cut!

S.H.I.E.L.D. security in this house

runs through this panel. One little pulse and...

- party time. - Wait!

Like when do you know how anything works?

Dude, you made me miss!

[computer voice] Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

Did you hear something?

Sounds like the party started.

[computer voice] Alert. Perimeter breached.

Analyzing threat.

Threat assessment... none.

Implement omega lockdown!

What does "omega lockdown" mean?

[computer voice] Omega lockdown. Destroy all intruders.

It means the party's over.

"Relax. Get ready for the party. Nova's got it covered."

[computer voice] Intruders identified.

Neutralize with extreme prejudice!

I'm no intruder! This is my house!

And up until a second ago, you were my house furnace!

[computer voice] Surrender or be destroyed!

I think I made the furnace mad!

- Aunt May's stuff! - Perfect! Use her stuff as weapons!

Aunt May's got more hobbies than you've got lame puns.

No, don't use mine! Use Aunt May's!

What?! These are yours?

What? I don't want to bulk up, okay? It's all about toning.

Whoa!

[computer voice] Surrender or be destroyed!

[victorious laugh]

Since when did Aunt May get a skateboard?

After cricket, she wanted a real challenge.

Huh?

Oh, come off it! You're such a phony!

Pretending to be buddies with Aunt May just to get my goat.

It's not fair to her! She really thinks you're her friend.

I don't want you hurting her!

For your information, I'm not pretending to be nice to Aunt May.

Really? Scuba?

[growls, chomps]

You just genuinely like spending time with Aunt May?

Well, to answer your question... yeah, she's cool.

I don't see no pizza, no snacks, no nothing.

What, is he hiding in the basement?

You know, you're lucky, Parker, to have an aunt like May.

In fact... [grunts]

For some stupid reason she's crazy about you.

I haven't had family around for a long time.

It would be all right if I had someone cool like her to believe in me,

the way she believes in you.

[sighs] Okay, I was wrong.

But you're still an idiot for setting off the security protocols.

Now how do we shut them down?

There's an antenna array up in the attic. Maybe if we...

Hiyah! Hiyah! Kiyah!

White Tiger!

I was wondering why no one was coming to help us.

S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't mess around, do they?

Looks like we're on our own.

[burps]

Oh, if Aunt May comes home and sees this she'll blow her top!

- White Tiger, hold on! - Spidey?

You gotta get out of here!

You gotta stay out of Aunt May's room.

Relax. I've been through a few laser matrix arrays in my day.

This'll be a piece a cake.

Nova, remember what I was doing in there?

Uh... yeah, she's right! Uh, sorry dude. Off limits.

Uh, secret lady stuff.

Hey, move it! Aw, my Aunt May's stuff is getting ruined.

It's irreplaceable!

No rough-housing in the house!

The desk! Save the desk!

The desk? It's not an antique. It's from a garage sale.

What's so important about the desk?

[both] Hmmm?

[Luke] A little help here?!

Luke!

Are you hurt?

[gasps] I'm fine, but running out of air in here.

Almost there, buddy!

Ow! Hot! Oh! Hot! Hot! Hot, hot, hot! Ooh, ah!

Sorry. Impervious skin.

I need to take my showers super hot just to feel it.

Impervious skin. That's why he uses up all the hot water.

When did S.H.I.E.L.D. have time to install all of this?

We preserved all the original molding and fixtures,

then put in new drywall, masking an array

of these cute flesh-peeling sonic blasters.

[screaming]

Iron Fist! Take out the walls! Smash your way out!

[grunts] I'm trying not to ruin your room.

Huh?!

[grunts]

[gasps] Sorry I couldn't stop it.

A man's room is a sacred space.

And when that man is generous enough to let me sleep on his floor,

It only becomes that much more sacred.

In short, thanks for letting me use your room, dude.

Boy, do I feel like a...

[braying]

[computer voice] Activating back-up protocols.

Assembling secondary defense systems.

[cell phone rings]

Hey, M.J.

Sam? When is the party gonna start?

The natives are getting restless.

[gasps]

Hey, M.J. We aren't quite finished with decorations yet. Bye!

We need to get to the attic, disable the com center, fix the house,

and somehow all without our friends outside seeing who we really are!

Lame kitchen robot at 12:00!

[computer voice] Intruders not identified!

Neutralize with extreme prejudice!

I wonder if S.H.I.E.L.D. has a returns department.

[computer voice] Hostiles re-engaged.

Neutralize and terminate.

Okay team! Follow my lead!

Kiyah!

Oh, no you don't! Hiyah!

Hiyah!

[blows]

Is that the coldest you got? I can't even feel it!

Scatter!

Hey! You've got Aunt May's toaster! Give it back!

[computer voice] Hostiles re-engaged. Neutralize and terminate.

My friends aren't crowding me.

They're protecting me. It's all about having an attitude of gratitude.

Consider yourself enlightened.

[voices] Awwww.

We have to shut down that thing before the house is...

Aw, totally trashed.

Okay, refocus. Attic at all costs!

Nova!

I'll get the door!

Go!

A central junction box!

If we shut that down, it should kill-switch

every S.H.I.E.L.D. system in the house.

- "Should?" - Probably? Like 60/40.

60/40 is better than our usual odds. Go for the kill switch!

Meanwhile, can someone put this thing on ice?

[all] Huh?

And now my stove top? After all we've been through?

We've got these two!

Hiyah!

Eenie meenie miney...

[groans]

Whatever.

[computer voice slowing] Hostiles re-engaged. Neutralize and...

[grunts]

Yeah!

We did it! And we're alive!

Whew! Everything's okay!

What do we do about frankenfridge?

We're dead.

When Aunt May sees this, we're all gonna be evicted.

Hey everybody, sorry for the...

Great party, Parker... not.

I wouldn't even show your lame face at school, ever.

Guys?!

- What are we going to do? - We're fine, but...

[sighs]

Can't get any worse.

[cell phone ringing]

Hello?

[Aunt May] Peter! My game ended earlier than expected

and I was swinging by the noodle shop. Is anyone hungry?

- No. We're good. - We're dead.

- Don't sweat it, Parker. - We'll take the blame for this.

Why is everyone being so negative?

We're superheroes! So what if we don't have time!

If we work fast and use our powers, we can rebuild

the house better than ever!

No. With great responsibility comes responsibility to take ownership.

Thanks guys, but I'm her nephew.

If there was a house, she wouldn't kick me out of it.

But, I won't risk that with you guys.

Whoa. Talk about a home delivery!

You kids appear to have been busy.

Agent Coulson? I can explain.

Actually I can't. I got no idea what's going on around here.

You demolished your house when you set off the S.H.I.E.L.D. safety protocols.

We knew something like this might happen.

So we had this copy built as a security measure.

You knew we would actually demolish our own house?

We're S.H.I.E.L.D. We think of everything.

Particularly when teenagers are involved.

- Foundation bolted! - Electricity live!

Plumbing, A.O.K.

Cable guy will be out sometime in the next three months.

You're welcome. You guys ready to go?

What's going on?

- Didn't they tell you? - Tell me what?

The helicarrier is fully operational.

Fury gave the order. Your team is scheduled to move back to HQ today.

We were going to tell you. The party? It was for you.

- You know. To say thanks. - For taking us in.

It's what I was trying to wrap in Aunt May's room. Under the desk.

I was baking you a cake, but it ended up inside the robot.

Don't worry, Parker. Nothing but sugar and flour... this time.

Wait. How about you stick around for a "moving out" party?

- Just the five of us? - [Luke] I got a killer game!

[Sam] All right! Yeah! Let's do it!

- [Danny] I've got the playlist! - [Luke] Yeah! Cool! Let's do this!

[Danny] Or maybe we could do some group yoga!

Well, I got my wish.

[blows]

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