All language subtitles for The-Twilight-Zone-2019-S01E01-The-Comedian-1080p-AMZN-WEB-DL-DDP5-1-H-264-NTb

Subtitles by explosiveskull

SAMIR: It s crazy times,
guys, cr azy times.

So one side is saying,

"Hey, people are killing
each other with machine guns.

"Maybe normal civilians
shouldnt have machine guns,

and only soldiers who are
in an active ground war."

And then the other side
is saying,

"Well, you cant
take away machine guns

"because of
the Second Amendment.

"The Second Amendment,
you cant regulate guns

because of
the Second Amendment."

So, to be clear,
your argument is

that guns should have
no regulations on them

because of the Second Amendment,

which literally starts
with the words,

"A well regulated."

Thats literally how it starts!

And the whole amendment
has 27 words,

and three of them
are "a," "well,"

and "regulated."

Thats 11.1%, folks.

(light laughter)

You know?

I know what this guys thinking.

This guys like, "But, Samir,

11.1% isnt that much."

But imagine youre on a plane,

and halfway through your
journey, the pilot comes on

and hes like, "Hey, folks.

"Classic good news, bad news.

"Good news, well be getting you

89% of the way there.

Bad news, that puts us

at the bottom
of the Atlantic Ocean.

(light laughter)

(throats clearing)

(man sighs)

All right.
Thats my time. Thank you.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, Al.
Uh, something cheap and brown.

No ice.

(ice clinking,
drink pours)

JOE:
Looking good, Tiff. Huh?

Special occasion, huh?
Come on. Perfect. Thank you.

WOMAN:
Leave me alone.

JOE: Let me try
some new stuff on you.

Hey, why do they call me
the gravedigger, huh?

Cause Id like to
bury my face in those boobs.

(laughing)
Okay. Okay.

Okay, heres some advice
if you want some:

maybe you should try
putting some jokes in there.

Yeah, well, I dont want to do
jokes about cats versus dogs,

and New York versus L.A.,

and airline food, and
ethnic stereotypes, okay?

Didi? If you dont
make people think,

your comedys never
going to matter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold on.

People like my act, okay?

I have 59,000 followers.
Mm-hmm.

So I should be
more like Joe Donner

and murder some people?
MAN: Come on, what?

Come on, you and me and a bottle of beer.
WOMAN: No, thanks.

Come on, baby.

Come on, he didnt.

He didnt.

What? (laughing)

The legal system ruled
it wasnt murder.

Yeah, they fucked that up.

But you know what?

That is exactly
your problem, Samir.

Funny is funny.

And that dude--

not you, but that dude--

is funny.

Okay?

No, thats...

Okay. Well, good talk.

Hey, could you put
that all in an e-mail

and, uh, send it
to the ocean?

Yeah, sure.
Hey, could you suck my vagina?

(laughing)

What matters is
not followers.

What matters is adjusted...
Gross income.

Yeah, we all know
that JC Wheel...

JC Wheeler.

Ah. In the fleshy flesh.

Oh, man, I--

Hey, can-- hey,

I am such
a fan of yours.

I mean, I know everyones a fan
of yours, but Im the...

Thank you.
Hows your day?

Whatve you been doing?

Man. You were everywhere
and then you just disappeared.

You had it all.
What happened?

I had it all.

Hey, I saw your set.
Oh, you did?

Oh, man-- feel free to
tell me to go fuck myself,

but if you have
any notes for me

or anything,
Ill give you anything.

Ill give you my dog.

Well, its not my dog.
Its my girlfriends dog.

But weve been dating
since high school,

so its basically my dog.

My dog, her dog.
Dogs a dog.

Your dog if you want it.

See, all this shit is funny.

Funnier than the Second
Amendment, Ill tell you that.

Well, obviously, its not
the amendment thats funny.

What I find funny
is the fraudulent...

Next.

What?

Next topic.

(chuckles)
Thats funny.

But seriously,
if you have any notes

for me, you know...

You want notes?
Yeah.

Fuck politics.

The audience dont care
about what you think.

They care about
you.

Right.

Yeah, I know
everyone says

be personal,
truth in comedy,

but dont you think
thats a bit of a cop-out?

The audience doesnt want
to hear you make points.

You dating
a high school girl?

Now thats interesting. Oh.

Im not dating a
high school girl. We...

Now thats comedy.

Right, but isnt that
gross and exhibitionistic?

Isnt the whole point
to provide insight

into the human condition?

Provide insight, huh.

What do you want?

Are you happy
with your life?

With your career?

Dont you want it all?

Yes. More than anything.

You have one thing.

One natural resource.

You are a country
with one export.

And you are the export.

Ill tell you a secret.

Put yourself out there
and you will get laughs.

You will
be successful.

Are you sure...
thats what you want?

Yes.

Now you have to be sure
to be sure.

Cause once you put it
out there...

the audience will take it in.
They will connect.

And once they connect to it...

its theirs.

And once its theirs...

that shit is gone forever.

Listen, my life is okay.
Its fine.

But you dont choose comedy
because you want a fine life,

you choose comedy
because you want it all.

Hmm.

Well, okay, then.

(loud laughter)
Right? Right?

(cheers and applause) And let me tell
you, your next guest

needs no introduction.

Im Joe Donner.

And youre a bunch
of fucking idiots!

(cheering and applause)

(belches, blows)

(microphone feedback)

Hi, everybody. Hi.

So, the Second Amendment,
which people use to justify

having their, uh, uh,

having no regulations
on guns, um,

actually begins with the
words, "A well regulated."

(microphone feedback)

11.1 perc-- percent
of the whole thing.

I wish you could all see
your own faces right now.

You have the exact expression
that my dog has

when shes taking a shit.

(laughter)

Like, "Dont look at me."

"Why are you here
watching this?"

(laughter) "There has to be
a better way to do this."

Okay. Okay, you want
to talk about this?

Okay, I-I love my dog.

The other day,
she peed on my pizza.

(laughter)

But thats my fault.

I shouldnt have yelled at her

while she was standing
on my pizza.

(laughter)

(applause)

But I-- Shes cool.

Um, her name is Cat.

(laughter)

Which I know sounds like
a stupid name for a dog,

but thats only because it is
a stupid name for a dog.

(laughter)

Its even stupider
when you realize

its actually short
for Cat-erpillar.

(loud laughter and applause)

(people whooping)

The Venom - $5 million GTD Poker Tourney
Download AmericasCardroom.com

(drops keys)

(whispering): Cat.

Cat. Come here, baby.

(clicking tongue)
Cat. Cat.

Cat?

Hey, Rena?

I really killed tonight.

Its my best set ever.
(exhales) Mm.

Thats great.

They were laughing at
stuff I was saying,

at the punch lines.

And at the end, they
cheered so hard, I was like,

"Whats that?"
and I was like, "Oh,

thats for me."

Ive never felt
anything like it.

Hey, wheres Cat?

Huh?

No, you just sleep.
Im gonna go walk the dog,

but I cant find her.

Oh, I thought you said "dog."

Yeah. Cat.
Wheres Cat?

Oh, my God, you didnt
leave the door open, did you?

Or the window?

I dont know what this game is,
Samir, but Im trying to sleep.

Our dog, Rena.
Wheres our dog?

What?

We dont have a dog
or a cat, Samir.

Youre so annoying.

NARRATOR: Sa mir Wassan is
an artist of great principle.

A man who refuses to
compromise his beliefs

for a cheap joke.

But tonight, he felt
the rush of the limelight

for the first time.

Now, hell have to decide

what really matters to him
when the laughter stops.

And how much hes willing
to give... to The Twilight Zone.

(The Twilight Zone
theme playing)

NARRATOR: Youre traveling
th rough another dimension,

a dimension not only of si
ght and sound but of mind.

It is the middle ground
be tween light and shadow,

between science
an d superstition.

And it lies between
th e pit of ones fears

and the summit of
ones knowledge.

You are now traveling through
a dimension of imagination.

Youve just crossed over
in to The Twilight Zone.

DEVEN:
What happened to that bus stop?

SAMIR: Theres a very bad man
whos another comic here,

he got drunk and drove into it.
People died.

Anyway, could you give me
a hand here?

Is this a part
of your act?

No. I had to google
Jack Russell Terriers

because I couldnt find
any pictures of Cat on my phone,

which is so strange,

cause I take pictures of her
all the time.

I dont get it.
Whos Cat?

Oh, okay.

Rena put you up to this.

Okay. Okay. What?

What? No. I like
seeing you do stand-up.

You know what?
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

You and Rena do
your hilarious prank.

Its very funny.

Very funny.

Come on.

(jazz music playing)

Hey, uh, is JC Wheeler
here today?

(chuckles):
Yeah, right.

That signs so funny.

"No apostrophes."

Yeah, you might be
the target audience.

I dont get it.

Cause the clubs
called Eddies,

but youd think that
it would be Eddies.

But then this signs
saying that,

no, it is actually Eddies,

its just that we dont allow
apostrophes, so now its Eddies.

That is funny.

Yeah, its really clever.

DIDI:
Hey, girls.

What is this?
Community service?

Oh, this is Deven, my nephew.

Hes, uh, staying with me.

Actually, Im Renas nephew.

Oh, shit!

He said check your lane.

He did not say
"check your lane."

He said check
your bitch-ass lane.

SAMIR: Dont say the--
any of the bad words.

Hes staying with us.

Hes in from out of town.

Hey, handsome.

So, you seen Uncle Samir
do his "comedy" before,

or is this the first time
youve had the "privilege"?

Ive seen him do it
a couple of times,

but you know, youre
actually kind of

what made me want to be
a stand-up comic.

Just like you.

Oh, thats so nice.
Thank you for telling me.

DEVEN:
Well, I mean,

not just like you.
I kind of want to be, like...

you know, a good comedian?

Oh, shit! Language.

Nephews funny, dude. All right.

Okay, um, I got to use
the restroom

before I get up on stage.

Why dont you just take a shit
on stage like you did last time?

And three of the 27 words are,
"A well regulated."

(phones chiming)

Geez. You know what?

Maybe Ill pull out
my phone, too.

Maybe we can text, you know?

Whats everyones phone number?

You guys are just like
my nephew.

I can only get through to him

if I text him. (laughter)

Yeah.

Hey,

asshole.
(laughter)

Get off your phone,
Im talking about you.

(applause and laughter)

Hes ten years old, hes ten,

and he was making fun of my act
earlier tonight.

He was!

He was saying Im not funny.

Hes ten.

Actually,
hes not even my nephew.

I dont know if that
makes it better or worse.

No, it actually makes it worse

cause if he was my nephew,
at least the family

would be coming out on top,

but this way...
(applause)

This way, just some random
ten-year-old is dunking on me.

(laughter)

Deven Singh, everyone.

Give it up for Deven Singh.

(applause and cheering)

MAN: Congrats, man.
That was awesome.

Damn. You brought it.

That was actually a good set.

Thanks to Deven.
Have you seen him, by the way?

I hope I didnt
embarrass him too much.

Okay, who are we
talking about right now?

My nephew, my girlfriends
nephew. Wants to be a comedian,

but better than me.

I dont know what the hell
youre talking about,

but I think I just hit

my Samir limit.

Hey, did you guys see
a little boy come out here?

Did you guys see
a little boy,

like, a ten-year-old boy
come out here at all?

WOMAN:
Havent seen him. Sorry.

Hey, did you guys see
a little boy come out here?

Like, a leather jacket, hes Indian?
Sorry, dude.

Deven?

Deven!

Call Deven Singh.
(phone chimes)

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Did you mean Anisha Singh?

Call Deven Singh.

(phone chimes)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Okay.

No, no, no. Call Deven.
(phone chimes)

AUTOMATED VOICE: I dont see
"Deven" in your contacts.

Should I look for locations
by that name?

(phone chimes)

♪

Hey, have you heard from...

You see, the laws...

Samir. Its lovely to see you.

RENA: Hey, baby.
How was your show?

I didnt know you were gonna
have company tonight.

We were just talking
about comedy.

I was making the case
that it is art,

just as much as theater,

or literature,
or paintings.

Hold on one second, David.

You know, I have a lot
of respect for what you do.

Thank you.

Um, can I talk to you
real quick? Its about Deven.

Who? Deven.
Can we talk over here, please?

Whos Deven again?

Is that Frans boyfriend?
Deven. Your sisters son.

I dont like that joke.
You know Anisha cant have kids.

But thats just it, see?

Comedy has to go to these
dark places because

its art.
That is bullshit.

Hes in this picture right here.
What Im saying is,

if he doesnt push
the boundaries,

(fading):
hes as derelict...

...if I were to let
an innocent man

go to prison. It really
is no different.

Dont you remember?
He was in this picture.

He was wearing that leather
jacket and I made fun of him.

I called him The Fonz,
and he was like,

"Whos that? Youre so old."

Baby...

Hes just gone.

Anisha never
even had him.

Oh, my God, now youre
worrying about my sister?

Youre right.

You-You-Youre right,

I shouldnt be worrying
about her cause-- (stammers)

there never was a Deven,
so its not like hes dead.

He just never existed,

so its not like I killed him.

Okay, now youre scaring me.

Are you all right,
Samir?

What happened tonight?

Are you feeling okay?

SAMIR:
It was JC Wheeler.

JC Wheeler told me...

Whoa, whoa,
you met JC Wheeler?

Yeah, he was at
the club last night.

That is so cool.

JC Wheeler told me I need
to put myself out there,

that I need to be
more personal on stage,

and then people would
connect to it,

and then people
would relate to me,

and then... (gasps)

it would be gone forever.

Please dont put me
in the mental hospital.

Why the mental hospital?

You got one picked out?

(laughs)

There he is.
Theres my guy.

Its okay, Samir.

Look, I think what
youre describing

might be a good thing.

The feeling that if you
put something out there

from your real life,
youll get laughs.

That sounds like
therapy to me.

You work through
these things

so that you could
free yourself from them.

Its terrifying to put
yourself out there,

but its true
what they say,

"Sunlight really is
the best disinfectant."

Okay, okay, David,
Im-Im sorry. Would you mind?

Oh, say no more.
(chuckles)

(clicks tongue)

(sighs)

You have been at this
for five years, five.

And Ive been
very supportive,

but if youve finally
found the thing

that can help you
find your audience,

how are you not gonna
throw yourself at that?

Well, what about the part
where things get...

erased?

DAVID:
Shes right, you know.

Art is the noblest
pursuit in the world, but...

its not paying the rent.

(whispering): Im sorry.

COMIC: But what I really
like, wh at I really like

is when people spell curse words
using asterisks.

Youve seen this? You know what
Im talking about? Its like...

I guess asterisks are kind of
like the chastity belt

of the vowel world,
in the vowel community.

I was looking for you.

Heard you were great
the last couple nights.

Congrats, kid,
youre headlining.

Oh. Thank you.

(laughing) Hey.

Dont fuck it up. Huh?

Who am I kidding?
Come on, its you,

of course youre
gonna fuck it up.

Hey, Im just
messing with you.

EMCEE:
...very funny guy, Samir Wassan!

(cheering and applause)

MAN:
All right!

(people whooping)

SAMIR:
Thank you.

So a lot of people use
the Second Amendment

as an excuse to say that guns
shouldnt be regulated,

except that the Second Amendment

actually starts
with the words, "A well

regulated."

I have a ten-year-old nephew,

and the other day
he was making fun of my act.

Hes ten years old.

Hes ten.

Right.

(quietly):
I dont have a nephew anymore.

(woman clears throat)

How about this president, huh?

I dont want to say
hes a fascist dickhead

who should be hung by his nuts
in the public square,

but only because I dont want
to talk to the Secret Service.

WOMAN:
Oh, man.

Hey, uh, give it up for the guy
who was on stage

right before me.
(light laughter)

MAN: Yeah!
Hes funny, right?

He really crushed.

Didnt he?
(cheering)

Not as badly as he crushed
a mom and her baby

at the bus stop
across the street.

(audience oohing)

Im not joking!
He did that.

(laughter)

That mangled bus stop
across the street...

(applause)

...thats his best work!
Thats his biggest credit!

(laughter)

It was in the news.

He got away with it, though.

And you saw his act,
you-you wouldnt think a guy

with a hateful,
misogynistic act like that

would also be
a drunk driver.

No, actually, that stands.

That makes sense.

Give it up for

human piece of shit,

Joe Donner.

(cheers and applause)
(Joe laughing)

Cause he didnt smash into it,

because he doesnt exist.

Hey, hey, youre the...
Hey, you totally killed tonight.

Oh, thank you. You know,
I actually un-killed two people.

(laughs)
This is you, right?

Yup.
I am following you

right now. (laughs)

Oh, thank you so much.

Dont drink and drive, okay?
All right.

Just like Joe Donner
didnt anymore.

Okay.
Youre so funny.

He is.
I also saved two lives.

One was a baby!

(scribbling)

(audience laughing)
SAMIR: I knew this kid

in high school, he was a prick!

Just a bad guy.

He was mean,
he was a bully.

But you know what?
It s not fair to judge someone

by how they were in high
school, right?

People change.

They grow, they learn.

So I looked him up online.

Now he works for
Doctors Without Borders.

Oh, you horrible pieces of shit.

Im joking. Jamie Benson
murdered his fiancée.

(laughter)

He did!

Yes!

I love being right!

(audience cheering)
Great!

Not so great for his fiancée--
re st in peace. Shes gone now.

More like Murderers Wi th
Borders, am I right?

Sometimes the covers
do tell you a fair amount

about the book, dont they?

(cheering)

Cheap and brown,

no ice.
You know it, Al.

O-Or what about
Coach Keller?

Oh, yeah. That was crazy.

I guess we just didnt know
how crazy it was at the time.

Uh, I knew.

Man, there really are a lot
of loathsome psychopaths

in the world, huh?

Thank God youre not
a loathsome psychopath.

Thats the most romantic thing

youve ever said to me.

Uh-oh!
Oh!

Ah!
Why are you screaming?

I thought it might
get on my coat.

What about my face?

This is my favorite coat,

and it is so much more expensive
than your face, baby.

Im sorry.

What are you doing?
Pizza face!

(screaming, laughing)

♪

(phone chimes)

SAMIR: So you know how, in
school, ru mors would get started,

and it didnt even matter

if they were true or not,
it would just become legend?

You know what Im talking about?

Well, unless the
Times

and a jury of his peers
we re being huge gossips,

(laughter)
that rumor about

Coach Keller

being a pervert
who preyed on kids?

That rumor was true.

That one did happen.

You know, Ive been
feeling like my comedy

could really make
a difference, like,

the more I open up
on stage,

the, the more
I change the world.

(laughs): Is that completely
narcissistic and delusional?

Uh, yes, but I dont mind it.

I like this new you.

So do I.

Hey, um, do you remember
that guy we ran into

who you defended, and then later
you found out he totally

did do all
those horrible things?

I cant believe I said that.

No, no, no,
its good that you told me.

What did you say
the guys name was again?

I cant tell you that.

Yes, you can.

David says a good
defense attorney

never lets her opinions seep into...
Oh, great, David.

Really?

Im so sorry I mentioned
my friends name in passing.

No, no, no, keep going.
Theres gonna be a great story.

Ive been starved for some
of that David Kandel wisdom.

And Ive been starved
for some of that

Samir Wassan
jealous prick routine.

Jealous prick? Okay.
Routine? Wow.

Why, what would you call it?

What would I call
a law professor

whos always having romantic
dinners with his former student,

my girlfriend?
They are not romantic.

David is my friend,
and my mentor...

Oh, mentor. Okay.
Yeah, why was I worried?

Theres no way
a mentor would try

and fuck an
attractive student.

Screw you, Samir.

"Screw you." Thats really good.
Are you taking argument classes?

Cause thats still
some beginner shit.

Maybe move up to
"Go fuck yourself."

Rena?

SAMIR:
So I met a murderer today.

I did.

I actually met a murderer.

I was talking to this
tattooed guy on the bus,

and he just straight-up told me
that he murdered someone.

You know,
I guess it makes sense,

cause if I was a murderer,

I would want to tell people,
too, you know?

Pride in what you do
is important.

Although, it seems like

resisting the urge
to tell people

might be an important life skill
for a murderer.

(man coughs)

Buck. His name was Buck.

Buck.

From Pennsylvania?

Unless he gave me a fake name.

I, uh...

(phone chimes)

Ive got something
you guys might like.

Do you guys have
a girlfriend whos got, like,

a creepy older "mentor"?

(laughter and applause)

You know, whos,
like, just her friend,

and not trying
to sleep with her at all.

Just some older, white,
pretentious motherfucker.

With his fucking little beard,
and he knows everything.

This guy knows everything.

And then you get in trouble.

You get called
a jealous boyfriend

for trying to save her
from getting MeTood

by fucking David Kandel?

(cheering and applause)

Wow.

"Top Comedians
to Follow," huh?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that.

Must be so exciting for you
to know someone on that list.

Youve been
strutting around here

like the cock of the walk
lately.

(chuckles)
Great metaphor.

Hey, Im a little busy
right now.

Could you text my assistant,
cause I want to talk.

Dont make me
hurt you, Samir.

(quietly):
Hey, baby.

Hey.

Hilarious as always, Samir.

Hey, what would your,
uh, mentor David

have thought of that set?

What are you talking about?

Wait, where are you going?

I have to get to my shift.

W-What shift?

Rena, whats wrong?

Im late.
You gonna get me fired?

Okay.

Why would they have
you come in now?

And theyre not gonna fire
their best lawyer

for being slightly late.

Lawyer? Are you kidding me?

Wait, wait, wait, youre,
youre not a lawyer?

Screw you.

David Kandel.

She doesnt have a career
without fucking David Kandel.

Rena, I screwed something up.

You have screwed many things up,
Samir, but I am late right now.

Im sorry.

No, no, listen.
I changed something.

Okay? You were supposed to...
Supposed to what?

Keep waiting patiently for you
to get your career together?

No.

Wait,
wheres your red coat?

The one we got
in Paris?

What are you talking about?
Paris.

When we went to Paris. The...

We never went to Paris
cause we couldnt afford it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey.
I swear to God,

if you touch me one more time...

You okay, honey?
Im fine.

Shes fine.
Its okay, its okay.

Okay, hey, hey,
that was the trip

that saved our relationship.

But we didnt go on it...
Saved our...?

Listen, we couldnt go because
you couldnt afford it,

but now I can afford it, so...

Youre a dick, Samir.

Okay, you dont understand...

No, you dont understand.

You dont think about
how your actions

affect me
or anybody else.

Were all just
background to you.

Material.
COOK: Table 12.

Hey.

Im sorry. Im sorr-- hey.

Remember when you gave me
that advice,

when you told me that I
could be strong on stage?

That I could play
to my strengths?

You said that I need
to let go of stuff?

So I did that. I did
that for us. I did that,

I did that for you.

You said it was
okay to punch.

When am I gonna
be the joke?

This argument, whens that
gonna show up in your act?

Were done, Samir.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Listen to me.
Listen to me.

I have this power, okay?

I have this superpower.
(stifled laugh)

I do. The reason youre doing
this right now...

The reason Im doing this
right now, Samir,

is that you are
a selfish asshole.

♪

♪

(yells)

(cheering and applause)
Thank you.

What do you think its like
to have a penis?

Obviously...

That cute little Indian girl
dumped you, huh?

Shit, man, that sucks.
Im sorry.

For you, Im sorry for you.
Cause that was just

clearly the right decision
for her, you know?

Shes all I know, I...

I dont know what I am
without her.

(applause in distance)

My...

careers finally taking off.

Cant win at everything, right?

People think Im funny.

You know how hard
its been for me,

people not thinking I was funny?

Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

I hear you.

Maybe this is how it goes.

You get something,
you got to give something up.

Samir,

if you go on a murder rampage,

can you try not to do it
while Im here, please?

And just to be clear,
I say that not because

youre brown,
I say it because

"youre a man," sort of.

PETE:
Theres my two little stars.

Theres our weird, creepy uncle.

(laughs)

(chuckles)
Weird, creepy laugh.

So,

Candy Gower from The Gower Hour

is coming
to the late set tonight.

Okay.
And she is here for you two.

Two?

PETE: You didnt
hear this from me,

but The Gower Hour
needs a new cast member,

and its pretty much narrowed
down to two up-and-coming comics

you may have heard of
named you and you.

Doesnt know our names.

EMCEE: Please
welcome Samir Wassan.

Hes Samir Wassan.

Ah. He just said it. So...

(cheering and applause)

SAMIR:
The Second Amendment says...

uh, "A well regulated..."

My football coach was a rapist.

WOMAN:
What did he just say?

Right.

You need fresh blood.

GABE:
What we need is jokes.

Who said that?
Who fucking said that?

It was me.

So you think youre funny?

No, we just think youre not.

(laughter)

MAN:
Ooh...

(cheering and applause)

Okay. Okay.

Whats your name?

Whats everybodys name?

Gabe.

Will.

Uh-huh. And where
do you guys work?

Uh, we work
at Wellspring Capital.

So youre, what, like,
hedge fund guys?

WILL:
Yeah, actually,

we invest in hedge funds.

Wow.
(laughs)

GABE:
Yeah. Wow is right, bro.

Were talking about--

count em--
mm... nine figures.

Nine figures!

I-I got to give it to you,
that actually is impressive.

You know, I love guys like this.

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

They get off work
after a long day

of investing in hedge funds--
did I get that right?

Want to make sure I get
the details right here.

These guys are like, "Oh,
were gonna go to a comedy club,

"were gonna heckle
the comedian.

And tell everyone
how much money we make."

Gabe and Will,
ladies and gentlemen.

Gabe and Will.

(cheering and applause)

(whooping)

(exhales)

Its you and me, huh?

Not now.

Oh, yeah. Now.

Its one spot.

One spot.
(chuckles)

On
The Gower Hour.

(scatting)

(laughs)

That shit should have
gone straight to me.

I have been the MVP up
in here for a minute.

But somehow,

suddenly,

you get funny.

How does that
happen, huh?

How the hell you
pull that off?

Didi, we really dont
have to do this

right now.
What?

Im not gonna go on stage tonight.
What?

What are you talking about?
I dont want it.

You can have it. I dont want it.
No. No, that is some--

I-Im not...
No, fuck you. No.

No, I am not about to
let you do that shit.

Why not?

Cause youre good.

Youve been
fucking killing it.

And Im honestly
kind of embarrassed

that I didnt see how funny
you were from the start.

But you cant stop now.

So, I came in here
to tell you that if,

that if Candy
Gower chooses you,

well, then I
would be happy.

Cause it would
be a good choice.

WOMAN (over P.A.): Didi to the stage.
Didi to the stage. Oh.

So no more
of this bullshit about

"Oh, Im not
gonna go up,"

and "Oh, my goodness,
I have a vagina

"and its hurting
and Im on my period

and I cant find tampons"

or whatever the fuck
youre talking about.

Okay?

Ill see you...

on stage.

(sniffs) And may
the baddest bitch win.

Which is me,
by the way.

WOMAN (over P.A.):
Didi, youre on deck.

Didi? Youre on deck.

I swear to God...

if I were straight, I would...

...probably be with
a Idris Elba-type dude.

But I would throw you
some pussy every now and again

out of respect for your comedy.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

Kill it tonight, boo.

Whoo!

(laughs)

(knocking)

Lets get it!

DEVEN: Th e clubs called Eddies

and youd think that
it would be Eddies

but then that sign sa
ys that its Eddies.

But then th is
signs saying that,

no, it is actually Eddies,

its just that we dont
allow apostrophes,

so now its Eddies.

(grunts)

Oh.

(panting)

There you are.

Didis up next, then you.
You ready?

What the hell
are you doing on the floor?

Is Candy Gower here?

You bet your dick
she is.

This is it, kid.
This is it.

JC:
This is it, kid.

This is it.

What did you do to me?

Do to you?

I just told you
how to get what you wanted.

I wanted to make people laugh,
I did not want

to make them disappear.

I wanted to be
the next Chris Rock.

Not evil...

David Copperfield.

I warned you what would happen
if you put stuff out there.

You did not tell me I was
gonna be murdering people.

Murdering people?

Now who the hell
is murdering people?

You cant murder people
who never existed.

Thats semantics.

There are no crying moms.

Its not murder if there
are no crying moms.

See, thats the
criteria for murder.

Willful, premeditated,

crying moms.

But...
But what?

These people
were never born.

Now, you might think
you remember them

but youre incorrect.
Theyre gone.

Theyre gone.

They are gone.

But where do they go?

WOMAN (over P.A.):
Samir Wassan,

youre up next in five.

You still have a chance.

To get the success you said
you wanted more than anything.

Why stop now?

Youre so close.

Finish it.

Use what you got.

Weaponize that shit.

Bring down
the motherfucking house.

Oh, shit. Okay, so,

(fading): so many people talk
about how hard it is...

(high-pitched ringing)

So...

♪

DIDI:
Um...

Shes so fine...

(continues indistinctly)

But you know what?

(continues indistinctly)

(muffled laughter)

And that is a pussy-eating joke.
(cheering)

You guys have been amazing.

Im Didi Scott.
Thank you so much.

(cheering continues)

Oh, oh!

(audience whooping)

(applause continues)

That was amazing.

That was hilarious.

(applause continues)

Keep it going
for the incredible Di...

(mouthing)

(applause continues)

Please keep it going...

(voice breaking):
Please keep it going...

Please keep it going

for the incredible
Didi Scott, everyone.

(loud laughter) Karen
Conroy, she broke my heart.

Lizzy Appleman,
what a bitch!

Mary Beth Bryce!

She didnt even
know I was alive!

Bye-bye!
Mrs. Kern from Westlake High.

B-plus. Youre gone!

Sarah Vollman.

Oh, my parents
friends kid, Neel.

I dont like how he looks at me.

Parson twins! Fuck them both!

Um, Yuri Bhattacharya.

Yuri Bhattacharyas mom.

Lets go for it!
Yuri Bhattacharyas fucking dog!

Ah, Serena Tam!

She wouldnt share her lunch...
Fuck you, bitch!

Uh, um, Billy Chung!

From college.

Fuck Billy Chung!

Goodbye! Uh...

You know what?
Dr. Baldwin, my dentist?

Fuck him! Fuck root canals!

(laughter)

Thank you!

I like that.

Uh... Skip Torrance,
Jana Torrance!

All the Torrances!

(woman boos)

"Boo"?

(woman boos)

Really? Read the fucking room.

(microphone feedback)

What are you doing here?

You shouldnt be here.

You have something to say to me
in the middle of my act?

Your "act"?

I hear this kid
kills hecklers.

This is gonna be good.

This is your act.

I found it.

Its just names, Samir.

I dont even know
who these people are.

People who wronged you,

people you dont like.

Your act is just you being
superior to other people.

Taking them down.

Go ahead.

Use me.
Use me for fuel.

Burn me up so you can get
where you always wanted to go.

Do it.

Whats stopping you?

Okay.

You want to hear
the whole story?

Youre right,
I have been selfish.

You said it and I heard it.

I dont know if anybody else
couldve gotten me to hear that,

but you sure know how
to get me to hear things.

But I dont want to talk to you
about that tonight,

ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, I want to talk to you
about someone Ive known

a very long time.

Clever, loveable
in a lot of ways,

someone youd think
would be a good person

with a lot to offer the world.

Ladies and gentlemen...

tonight, I want
to talk to you

about...

...myself.

(laughter and applause)

Im a comedian.

Which is a job like any other.

Except instead of climbing

into the gears
of an enormous machine

to chase a hat,
like I assume all of you do,

I come up here and I try
and make people laugh.

Why? Because I want
to spread joy?

Because I want the world
to be a better place?

Nope! Its because
Im a garbage can

who needs lots of
money and validation

emptied right into me!

I want people to
come up to me

on the street
and ask for selfies!

I dont even care if
they know who I am.

I just want them to think

Im somebody!

And I want to
have it so much

that I want to be sick of it.

I want them to come up to me
and I want to be like,

"Dont you know Im
just a garbage can

who wants to
live my own life?"

Why do I want that?

I dont know.

But it doesnt matter.

I am a bully.

People are just material to me.

I throw them away.

Im a country with one export

and theres really
only one thing

left for me to give!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ive been Samir Wassan!

(cheering and applause)

♪

(indistinct chatter)

Hey.
Hey, dude.

You have fun?
Yeah, it was actually

really funny.
Glad you liked it.

Oh, look.

Didi Scotts right there.

You want to say hi?
No, Im fine.

You sure? Well, Im gonna.

Hey.
You were hilarious.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.
(clicks tongue)

Something to take
the pain away.

(chuckles) Coming
right up, Deeds.

Well, holy shit.

JC Wheeler.

In the fleshy flesh.

(gasps)

I saw your set.

(laughs)

Wow. If--

If you had any notes...

NARRATOR: Samir Wassan
learned the hard way

that sometimes,
getting everything you want

means losing
everything you love.

And after finally finding
himself on the verge

of becoming somebody,

he chose instead to once again

be a nobody.

In the end, Samirs final encore

is a show you can
only buy a ticket to...

in The Twilight Zone.

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