Original subtitles

I know, everybody says Tuscany, the di Amalfi coast...- Positano, Ravello...

Oh my God, the most beautiful place I've ever seen.

And not to mention the men. -No, let's mention the men.

I mean, is there any Italian with less than an 8-inch cock?

How long you guys have been togther? - Four years - Four weeks.

You guys got to get your stories straight. -It's complicated.

Obviously... - What about you?

Going on ten years.

Shit! That's amazing, how do you do it?

I'm not sure I want to hear this. - Communication,

Honesty. -Respect. -And a lot of fucking around.

A couple that plays together, stays together.

That's what I've always said.

Nothing will kill a marriage faster than monogamy.

Yeah, tried that for about six months.

Really split us up. He started lying, sleeping around... - You caught me fucking the neighbour.

Instead of kicking him out, I thought "this guy is hot!", so...

I joined them. - Solved all of our problems.

In these sorry times of faggots hurling themselves like lemmings into the sea of matrimony,

it's refreshing to find a couple who're hung, but not hung up.

So how about we hook up again?

We have a strict rule not to see anyone twice.

But...

since there are two of you...

Okay, I'm a lowly writer-professor, for Christ sakes, not an MIT graduate.

You need an advanced degree to put this fucking crib together.

You're gonna have to watch that potty mouth of yours once J.R. arrives.

It's official. According to the State of Pennsylvania I know have one-third custody of my daughter.

Congratulations...

I could have more if Brian hadn't stuck his nose in.

Hey, hey, it's not his fault.

He's the one who convinced Lindsey to fight for custody!

Paid for her goddamn lawyer! - Well, she's J.R.'s mother too, it's only fair.

I suppose.

So now I get to split a baby three ways.

You know, as long as she's loved and cared for, I'm sure it'll all work out.

Would you help me put this thing together, before I lose my fucking...

Yes, before I lose my mind.

Your eggs are up.

Wheat or rye, buttered or dry?

Err, rye dry. - Rye dry.

Sweetheart? - Yes?

Will you sit down? Please?

Stop waiting on me like I was in the diner?

I guess old habits die hard.

You wanted bacon, extra crispy...

If you don't stop...

I'm not leaving you a tip.

Oh, and I was counting on a big one tonight.

Honey... you're getting more than just a tip.

Why, Carl Horbath...

The more I'm around you the more I can't keep my hands off you.

You're not bored, are you?

Fucking our brains out? - No.

Not working.

Are you kidding?

I don't know why I waited so long.

I finally have my life all to myself.

So what's on our lady of leisure's agenda for today?

Oh, a matinee,

interplay... perhaps a piece of Mauler.

A piece of what?

Thank God hanging around Libery Avenue made you a sex maniac and not a showtune queen.

I'm going to go buy some pajamas.

All of mine seem to be disappearing. - That's because I took them.

I should've known!

It was too good to be true, a cross dresser!

You're sexier without them. - You know what this is, don't you. It is grand theft pajamas.

I could have you arrested. But...

I'd prefer to have you work it off.

Good morning Brian, got these files we talked about, the Gerber accounts...

Greenwald accounts, and payroll.

I was up till one in the morning, got to get everything all signed and sealed.

Now there's really nothing left to do for the next few days.

I'm kind of free as a bird.

Listen, I need to take a little time off.

Vacation?

Sabbatical?

Drug binge? - A small medical procedure.

Finally getting that penile enlargement?

When are you leaving?

Tomorrow.

I know, it's short notice but they had a cancellation they said they can fit me in. But...

I'll be back in a week. Ten days, tops.

So what are you having done?

What makes you think I'm having anything done?

Um, the endless hours you spend pulling your face back?

Smoothing your stomache?

Spill.

Uh, you know.

Nothing major...

Brow lift, blepharoplasty on my upper and lower eyelids, precision contour and liposuction on my gut.

What price beauty.

It ain't cheap.

However, they are sucking my chin out for free.

They way gay men are obsessed with youth and beauty!

An entire subculture convinced that the meaning of happiness is no love handles.

How pathetic.

How tragic.

How profitable. - Go ahead,

mock my endeavors at self improvement.

You know, not all of us are as lucky as you. We all can't be Brian Kinney.

The rest of us poor schlobs, we have to work twice as hard to look half as good.

I'm sorry Theodore, I don't mean to impune your noble efforts,

I just think you're making a big mistake...

...not getting that penile enlargement.

She's so adorable!

Can I take her home?

Sure, why not, everybody else is.

I didn't know you had a guest.

Justin's not a guest.

Didn't we agree you're going to ring the bell, not just pop in?

Hey Lindsey...

Hello Justin.

I haven't seen you since you've been back from L.A. - I know...

I was planning on calling but I don't have your new number.

I'm sure Brian could've given it to you.

So how's Gus?

Gus is doing great. He's growing as we speak.

He's even starting to read.

You go away for a few months and everything changes! - No shit.

I have fallen hopelessly in love with your daughter.

Well, she's pretty irresistable. - Yeah.

I found this fleece sleepwear for the baby.

It's starting to get chilly. - Tell me about it.

I got three. one for you, one for me and one for when she's with Michael.

You have to remind me?

We all have to make sure she's taken care of.

Oh, you've seen to that!

Thanks to you I have to hand my daughter over to some stranger.

Michael is hardly a stranger. - Why, he might as well be.

What does he know about taking care of an infant?

She should be with me instead of being tossed around like a fucking football.

Maybe I'd better go. - No, we're going to have tea, goddamnit!

I'll get it. - You don't live here anymore, remember?

Of course, how could I forget.

Well if you would've listened to me and done what I said,

we wouldn't be playing this game of "baby baby, who's got the baby".

That's what's killing you, isn't it.

It has nothing to do with the baby or the custody agreement.

It has to do with you, Melanie Marcus, not getting her way, not having complete control over everything.

Well, tough shit, you don't.

So get used to it.

Um, I'll get the tea.

Swim! Swim, come on, pull!

Finish it off!

How did I do? Two tenths of a second off your personal best. - Fucking A.

It's because I'm nailing those flip turns. - Bet you ten bucks it's your place.

Think so? - Know so.

Alright everybody, let's gather up, let's go!

Good practice!

Very good!

You swim this hard in two days and we'll hold our heads high at the meet.

Now go get a good meal, get some sleep, and don't strain anything.

Are you winners? - Yeah!

I asked you, are you winners? - Yeah! - That's more like it.

And put away the toys before you scrub down.

Hey, I gotta say, first I had my doubts but Hunter's coming through gangbusters.

I always knew he can do it, he just needed some incentive and some support.

And friends. - And having a parent that's willing to take the time to work with him.

Thanks. Appreciate it, coach.

I'll see you at the meet.

Good swim.

Yeah, thanks, you too.

Yo Hunter, you coming? - Yeah.

Hey Hunter, we're going! - Wait up!

Look, I know you think my getting a little work done is a frivolous expense,

a foolish excersize in vanity. However,

I just had the most fabulous idea for my next segment.

Queer guy follows you through your entire surgery.

Every little snip and clip.

Then, I bring you on my show,

for the big reveal.

Or,

I go with my avocado night-repair mask, as planned.

Stick with the guacamole.

But promise me, no matter how I come out,

you'll still love me. - Honey,

I never loved you for your looks to begin with.

Not that there's a damn thing wrong with them.

But if this is what you want to do, then I'm behind you.

I've never mentioned I'm getting that done too.

Make room, boys! - Ah, little Debbie,

come home. - Yeah, just like a boomerang.

Or Lassie.

It's just like Norma Desmond making her comeback.

I believe it was "return".

I was just passing by, so I thought I'd poke my head in and see how things are going.

Oh, things are going great!

Yeah?

I mean,

it sure isn't the same without you...

aah, what about you? - Well,

since I've stopped working,

Carl and I are getting plenty of exercise, if you get my drift.

Yeah, it drifts all the way to my room.

So I bought myself a new warmup suit.

Yeah, that'll warm him up alright. - Dear...

God, it's like a glory hole for straights.

Okay, here you go boys... hey, Deb! When did you get here?

I... ah...

a couple of minutes ago, hi Loretta, I just stopped by to see...

Hold that thought for one second. Spinach salad, dressing on the side for the queer guy,

Chilli cheese, fries and a vanilla shake for the teddy bear.

thanks a lot.

Are you sure you should be eating that?

Hey, what goes in today, gets sucked out tomorrow.

Oh, I'm sorry Deb, what were you saying?

Yeah, I was just asking, you know, how things are going.

Hey Loretta, do you got any equal?

Yeah. Wonder woman.

I'm doing fucking great.

She's doing fucking great.

In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear it was you.

Yeah, me too.

So what can I get you? Pink plate special today is codfish balls.

What did they do with the rest of the codfish.

Um, I'll have a bowl of pea soup,

and please don't tell me that Pete pissed in it.

Hey Lo, where's my tuna wrap?

Any guy eating tuna here, is in the wrong joint.

I'll bring you chicken noodle.

She's a hoot, isn't she?

Yeah...

A hoot and a half.

So, how was rehearsal?

Oh, it's called practice. - Right.

I kept my kick down. - And his head up.

And I beat my best time by two tenths of a second.

That's awesome dude, right on! I can't wait to come to the performance, I'll be there front row center.

It's a meet, and they're called bleachers. - Yeah.

Hey, up until now all I knew about swimming was from watching Esther Willams films with Ma.

Ever seen the one where she rises up out of the water with the sparklers coming out her head?

Hey boys.

Hey, Brian. Come on pal, let's go carb up.

You mind if I put this up?

Hard heroes night?

Every superhero fantasy you ever had...

coming true.

Well in that case, I'm not sure it's appropriate for my younger clientele.

Well, if your younger clientele is drooling over those bulging biceps

and bountiful baskets the way you did,

they are going to grow up to be fags anyway. So...

what's the difference.

Yeah, okay.

I expect you to be there.

Don't think so.

Well, with work and fixing up the house, these days we get to bed pretty early.

Superheroes, Mikey!

Superman on Superman action.

I'll make you a deal.

I'll come check out your new place if you come check out ours.

Just like when we showed each other our dicks.

Deal.

Ben and I are having our new neighbours over for dinner tomorrow,

why don't you and Justin join us.

Fabulous.

I'll bring a bottle.

Red would be nice.

I meant poppers.

Interesting.

Not bad.

This one is intriguing.

I've always responded to the raw, unfinished quality of your work.

Is that a compliment, or are you letting me down easy?

Well, if you're asking me if I'd consider you for the emerging artists show,

the answer is yes.

Thanks Linds.

But I don't want to take advantage of our friendship.

I don't consider it taken advantage of, provided the work is good.

And that we're still friends.

Why wouldn't we be?

Often, at times where couples break up,

friends gravitate towards one person or the other.

So I wouldn't be surprised or hurt if you decided to gravitate towards Mel.

Well...

Actually, I would.

I could never do that.

You have always been...

Mel and Linds.

From the very beginning, when I first met Brian, you two were there for me.

A shoulder to cry on, a couch to sleep on...

I could never take sides.

I love you both.

Well, there's one thing Mel and I still agree on.

That we feel the same way about you.

I'm just sorry you had to witness our performance. - Oh please.

Brian and I have had a couple of academy award winners ourselves.

So...

is there any chance you and Mel might... - Get back together?

I was hoping at first we could.

That we'd make up and all would be forgiven.

But now...

I guess you would call that,

magical thinking.

Well, you never know.

Well,

I think we should definitely consider this one.

The exuberance...

The optimism.

You're getting.

once you're getting away that press...