Original subtitles

-I don't understand it. -I do.

You got me up here for the wild goose season.

[Jessica] Tonight on Murder, She Wrote.

-I'm not due for two months. -It's a boy.

And I've never felt better.

Is there a problem with the baby?

Absolutely not.

Mr. Fletcher, my father came to this house

to retrieve an extremely valuable object

that was rightfully his.

Who was the victim,

and what in the hell was he doing with a key

to Mrs. Fletcher's door?

What is going on there?

[cheerful orchestral music]

Evening, captain.

Yeah, it was.

Give it to me-- now.

I haven't got it.

Don't you lie to me.

You took it from the Cambodian five weeks ago in Singapore.

It's mine. I want it back.

Oh!

[groans]

[knock at door]

You got my message.

You know very well, my dear, that you sent me no message.

But I did.

Carla, dear heart,

if you were ever to tell me the truth

without me first having to extort it from you,

it would shatter my convictions

about the entire nature of the universe.

And that quarter pound of makeup on your face

indicates that you've met up with our seafaring friend.

Did you get it?

No.

He said the Cambodian took it from him in Singapore.

And that's the last I remember.

Except for his destination.

My bags are in the limousine.

Where are we going?

Maine. Place called Cabot Cove.

Nice horn. Why don't you buy it?

Hiya, Doc! Sorry I startled you.

Grady!

I wasn't looking for you for a whole other hour.

-Hello, there, Donna! -Hello, Dr. Hazlitt.

Donna, I told you to stay in the car.

Grady, for heaven's sakes,

being pregnant does not mean "wait in the car."

I'm not due for two months.

It's a boy.

And I've never felt better.

Yeah, well, I'd feel a whole lot better

if you'd just take a look at her.

I mean, after we get settled in and all.

Be my pleasure. Jessica's key.

Oh, thanks, oh, now, please, Donna, get back in the car.

You shouldn't be out in this kind of weather.

Grady, Grady, it's 60 degrees and Sunny.

I know. Enjoy it, Donna.

You probably won't get this kind

of attention for many a moon.

Oh, have you heard anything from aunt Jess?

Yeah.

Said she was looking in on her cousin Emma's rehearsals.

Said she'd call you in a day or two,

see how you're doing.

I'll tell you one thing for sure.

After New York's crowds, noise and pollution,

this is going to work out just great.

Young lady, if you need something

for those nerves, you let me know.

Thank you, Dr. Hazlitt, but my nerves are just fine.

Not yours, his.

I wish you'd let me help.

I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Just go sit down, okay?

You must be Grady and Donna.

I'm Connie Lewis. I live next door.

Oh, here, let me give you a hand.

-Oh, thanks. -Oof.

I take care of Jessica's plants when she's away.

Jessica told me you'd be house-sitting this week,

but I didn't know when you'd be arriving,

and, well, plants get thirsty.

And lonely.

Oh, now I know they'll be in good hands.

Oh, by the way,

this little darling likes the afternoon sun.

[engine rumbling]

My son, Stanley. Oh, that noise.

Stanley, do you have to park that thing

where the whole world can see it?

And can you believe he's about to buy a new one

that's even bigger and noisier?

Kids. Oh, who knows?

Maybe I'll get lucky

and the bank will turn down his loan.

Then if that old thing would just fall apart and die...

Well, call me if you need anything.

Thanks. Bye.

Well, I guess we better get started.

Donna, are you out of your mind?

Now, look, look, I don't want you to climb those stairs.

-But-- -Look, this is what I'll do.

I'll grab some blankets

and some pillows and some sheets,

and I'll turn this sofa into a nice little bed for you.

Grady--

Then I will bring a TV in from the other room.

-Grady-- -And I'll, uh--

Grady!

The bathroom is upstairs, right next to the guest room.

Oh, right.

[phone ringing]

And besides, the doctor said

I need a little rest, not a total veg-out.

Fletcher residence.

Aunt Jess! How are you?

I'm wonderful,

but more to the point, how are you?

And Donna?

And your heir-to-be?

Oh, I'm so glad.

Well, for one thing,

she won't sit still like she's supposed to,

but everything else seems to be under control.

How's Emma's show?

Let me give you an indication, Grady.

You know, the royal family rarely attends opening nights.

Donna, will you put that thing down and sit?

That's fantastic, aunt Jess.

I mean, not only that.

It's protocol for them

to come backstage after the performance.

You're kidding.

You're gonna meet the queen of England?

[laughs]

Even if I have to set up housekeeping

in Emma's dressing room.

Oh, by the way, I'm staying in Emma's flat.

The phone number is next to the kitchen phone.

And, oh, yes, there's a blue envelope...

There's a blue envelope in the top drawer

next to the sink.

A few hundred dollars in cash, it's for the plumber.

It's here.

-Yeah, it's there. -Oh, good.

[laughs]

I will, Grady.

Oh, and give my love to Donna.

Okay, I will. Bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, Miss Thyssen, the joke's wearing thin.

Where is he?

I don't understand it.

I do.

You got me up here for the wild goose season.

Then why would I be here with you?

Well, I can think of several reasons.

For instance, you've joined forces with the Cambodian,

and you've brought me here to keep me out of the play.

The man at the bus terminal gate in New York

confirmed what the ticket clerk told me.

The captain had a ticket to Cabot Cove.

Perhaps the captain got to them before you did.

Listen, you.

You're the one who was so sure you could learn

who he was going to see in this backwater.

[engine turning over]

Carla, my dear, never lose your charming fire.

It almost compensates

for your pathological dishonesty.

Well, thank you.

No, I'll take the bottom drawer.

Wonderful.

I'm not allowed to stoop, stand,

walk, twist, kneel, stretch.

Donna, will you stop lifting things?

Right, I forgot lift. Grady, it's empty.

Here, let me have that--

[gasps]

-Are you all right? -I'm fine.

Ooh, this is gruesome.

Can you actually picture aunt Jess

buying anything like this?

Probably a gift she was too nice to toss out.

So she puts it in the guest room

to keep people from staying too long.

Oh, broiled scrod? Nothing to it, Mr. Fletcher.

A little butter, a little garlic.

Great for the missus.

Of course, nobody, but nobody, does it better than your aunt.

Tell me about it.

Look, Stanley, I just don't want

any more ripped nets, understand?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard you already.

Nick, see you soon.

[clattering]

[loud crash]

[whispering]

Grady, wake up.

-What? -Grady, wake up!

Donna, it's not even light yet.

Go to sleep.

Grady, there's somebody downstairs.

What? Here?

Yes, listen.

I don't hear anything.

Grady, I heard it.

Maybe we should call the police.

Okay, okay, I'll go take a look.

Do you suppose Jessica has a baseball bat or something?

She took it to London with her.

Now, stay here.

[gasps]

[gasps]

There you are.

I'd say death must have been instantaneous.

Blow on the head from Jessica's old lamp.

No identification.

I love all the help I'm getting.

You know, this lamp had to be one of her favorites.

It's been here as long as I can remember.

-Listen, Doc. -Yeah.

This thing has got Donna really, really upset,

so if there's anything you can do, I'd--

More coffee, sheriff?

Oh, you just said the magic word.

Thank you very much.

Listen, did you have any luck

with that letter I found in his pocket?

Well, even if I could read whatever language it's in,

the handwriting is so awful.

Wonderful.

-Come on, sit. -Oh.

-Watch your feet. -I smell fish.

Yeah, poor fellow did seem like a seafaring man.

Well, the way I figure, it was burglary.

The victim and his partner get as far

as trashing Mrs. Fletcher's living room.

They get into a fight.

The partner kills him and takes off.

So what we're looking at is, who was the partner?

Who was the victim?

And what in the hell was he doing with a key

to Mrs. Fletcher's door?

Unless he was a friend of hers.

I don't recall her ever offering me a key.

Here's the key she gave us.

[phone rings]

Fletcher residence.

Aunt Jess, is everything okay?

Oh, yes, wonderful, thank you.

I hope I didn't wake you up,

but I'm on my way out to Harrods

to buy something to wear, I hope.

Grady, is everything all right?

Yeah. Yes, just great.

Couldn't be better. What do I tell her?

All it'll do is upset her.

What can she do from 3,000 miles away?

And please, use whatever else is in the freezer as well.

Thanks, aunt Jess.

Listen, would you by any chance

know of an old sailor by the name of...

It's right on the tip of my tongue.

Well, anyway, he kind of dropped in.

Well, he's got scraggly hair, a gray beard,

bushy eyebrows, a wooden leg...

He sounds a lot like captain Ahab.

I'm afraid it doesn't ring any bells, Grady,

but I suppose if it's important, he'll stop by again.

No, I don't think so.

Well, give Donna a big hug and a kiss for me.

Yeah, I will.

-Bye-bye. -Bye.

Well, I suppose we can assume

he didn't get that key from Jessica.

Which does not excuse her

always leaving these doors open.

I have told her one hundred times

that she's gonna get a lot of freak weirdoes

walking in off the street, but, oh, no.

Now when she goes away, that's when she locks the door

and then total strangers turn up with their own keys.

How'd you get in here?

The lock on the door

is almost as primitive as this community.

You look very desirable, Carla.

But as you know, I never mix business with pleasure.

We still do have a business arrangement, do we not?

Of course.

How terribly reassuring.

I stopped by your room last evening and--

There I go again.

How I envy those with trusting natures.

You probably took a stroll down to the beach

for a midnight swim.

I took a walk, yes, not to the beach.

Can I have my revolver?

I went to the beach, looking for you.

Whom did you meet?

No one. I saw no one.

-Not the captain? -No.

The Cambodian, then?

Is he here?

A few minutes ago, the radio reported

that the body of a man

answering the captain's description

was found dead, apparently murdered,

in the home of a local mystery writer,

J.B. Fletcher.

So that's who he came here to see.

You tell me.

Justin, I don't have it.

Not in this room, you don't.

You still have exquisite taste in lingerie, Carla.

[phone ringing]

Yes?

Where did you go last night after our meeting?

You insult me.

If only that were possible.

Did hunnicut kill him?

No, leave Justin to me.

That's the best you guys can do?

Oh, come on, I bet half the clothes you're wearing

were made in Hong Kong.

Well, judging from your jolly demeanor, sheriff,

I'd say the state police haven't had any luck

with those fingerprints.

Hey, don't talk to me about fingerprints.

Washington's got them all on their computer, right?

Millions of them, billions of them,

everybody in the known world, except for our murder victim.

-Mm-hmm. -What you got, Doc?

Pathology report.

Victim died as a result of a downward blow

to the left occipital lobe from a lamp base.

That, I figured.

So the murderer was probably right-handed.

And?

-And that's it. -That's it?

You call that a pathology report?

I learned more than that

from a frog I dissected in high school biology.

Yeah, but your frog didn't have a wooden leg

and carry a handwritten letter in his pocket.

That looks like Greek to me.

-Yeah, tell me about it. -No, really.

There's a theta, zeta, and that's an upsilon.

My college fraternity.

Fraternity?

College?

Yeah, I heard about that murder, sheriff.

Well, I think you've come to the right place,

that's for sure.

But this handwriting I'm ashamed to say it.

It may be one of my countrymen.

Mr. Zavakis, Kris said to make sure

I get paid for this scrod

or just don't bother coming back to the boat.

Well, look, Stanley,

this is... this is gonna have to do for now.

Stanley, I can't help it if business is slow.

You tell Kris that I'll get the rest of it

to him next week.

Boy, the manners they teach kids today.

There we go.

-Nick. -Huh.

The letter, Nick.

Oh! Oh, yeah.

Well, it does seem to appear

that he's some sort of a sailor,

'cause he rambles on here about a cruise

to Shanghai, Hong Kong.

-Cruise? -Yeah.

It's sort of like a postcard, you know.

He talks about girls and sightseeing

and the weather and...

You know, things like that.

And then he says, "hope to see you soon."

And he signs it.

And that looks like Constantine.

-And that's all of it? -Afraid so.

What was it that you was looking for, sheriff?

The answer, Nick, the answer.

Thanks.

Grady, I'm going next door for a minute

to Connie Lewis' house to borrow some shampoo.

Donna, wait. Here's your sweater.

[doorbell rings]

See, I told you it was chilly.

-Phone repair. -Really?

Some kind of noise on the line.

Mrs. Fletcher called it in on the 10th.

Oh, gee, I hadn't noticed any noise,

but then again, I don't live here.

My wife and I, we're kind of house-sitting.

Actually, there's no phone in here.

There's one in the living room, and there's one in the kitchen,

and there's one upstairs.

Actually, there's two upstairs.

There's the phone. It's right behind you.

I guess since you lived here awhile,

you know my aunt Jessica, huh?

Oh, yes, she's a fine lady.

Yeah.

Well, I suppose you've read some of her books.

Yes. They're instructive.

Instructive? About how to murder people?

Would you mind showing me some identification?

[yelling]

Jeez, what are you doing?

What's the matter with you? Are you crazy?

All right.

Proposition.

Give me what I'm looking for, and I will not kill you.

Okay, okay. That's great, really.

But do you suppose you can give me some kind of idea

of what you want?

Enough!

Okay.

If destroying you

and this entire structure is necessary, then...

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

Oh, sheriff, he went out back.

I'll take the hall.

-Grady? -What?

-I'm okay. I'm okay. -Oh, thank God.

Oh, I called the sheriff from Mrs. Lewis' house.

-I was so worried. -About what?

That repairman.

I saw him go in, but there was no Van outside.

Oh, man, I wish I'd thought of that.

And then I thought maybe I was crazy.

No, no, you weren't crazy.

-He sure was. -He's gone.

He must've had a car parked nearby.

Did you get a good look at him?

Yeah. It's burned into my brain.

-You okay, ma'am? -Yeah.

You were not followed?

No.

Dear Carla doesn't suspect a thing.

I heard about your session with Bruce Lee.

I thought I better come by

and see how the little mother was doing.

Oh, thanks, Doc.

All this commotion can't be doing any good.

Monotonously normal for a healthy

seven-months-pregnant lady.

Are you sure?

You, on the other hand,

are ticking away like a $2 clock.

That ought to just about do it, Mr. Fletcher.

Oh, great. Oh, the money.

Where did aunt Jess say she left it?

Oh, the drawer by the sink.

Oh, yeah, a blue envelope.

Grady, it's gone.

-The killer. -The killer.

I haven't felt this tired

since the last time I climbed mount Washington.

And I don't need you glaring at me.

Grady, these baby pictures of you are fabulous.

See?

Even then, you had a sweet little tush.

I suppose we'll have a photo album like this someday.

And our little...

Grady, look.

Oh, that's Jessica's aunt Harriet.

She died a couple months ago.

No, no, no, no, no, I mean the man.

It's him, the one who was murdered

in the living room.

You know something? You're right.

Nothing. No date or anything.

Quick, where's aunt Jess' phone number?

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Grady?

What's the matter?

Nothing, aunt Jess, not a thing.

I just wanted to call you

and tell you the plumber was here

and everything's working like a charm--

The toilet, the sink, the hot water.

Yeah, I found the envelope.

Yeah, she's right here.

She's having a wonderful time

looking at your photograph albums,

and she found a picture of your aunt Harriet with a man.

And the funny thing is,

it looks a lot like that fellow I was telling you about,

the one with the wooden leg who dropped in.

Oh, of course, that must've been Herbert.

What was it, Malachi? Herbert Malachi.

I can't think why I didn't make the connection before.

That's an interesting name.

How would you spell that?

Uh-huh.

L-a-c-h-i.

At one time, I think that Harriet

was very serious about him.

But I don't believe that she'd seen him for years.

And I only met him once or twice.

Yeah, well, be sure to say hello if he stops by again.

Yeah, I will, aunt Jess.

Another thing, would you happen to own any valuable antiques

or rare coins or something like that?

Grady, what is going on there?

Has something happened that I should know about?

Well, yeah, aunt Jess, something's happened.

You know your living room?

Well, there was this accident.

Well, you know that lamp next to the telephone?

Well, I broke it.

That old eyesore? That's all?

Well, yeah.

Besides that, everything else is quiet,

except for Stanley next door has got this new motorcycle

that keeps the neighborhood awake, and--

Yeah, she's right here.

Hello, aunt Jessica.

Yes, I feel marvelous, for an egg-shaped person.

Okay, we got to go now, aunt Jess.

Good-bye.

[sighs]

I'm gonna get a glass of milk.

[phone rings]

[sighs]

Metzger.

Sheriff, I've got the name of the murder victim.

You do? From where?

Yeah.

Yeah, Herbert Malachi. Spell it.

That's fantastic.

I know a guy down at the maritime union.

If he can't get me a line on this bozo, nobody can.

I'm gonna call him right now.

Thanks, Grady, this could bust it wide open.

I'll get right back to you.

[knock at door]

Hello, sorry to disturb you. My car broke down.

Do you suppose I might come in, use your phone,

call the auto club?

Oh, yeah, sure, come on in.

Thanks.

So this is where he died, isn't it?

In this house.

Where who died?

My father, captain Malachi.

He was your father?

Yeah, he was the only parent I knew.

My mother, rest her soul, she died giving birth to me.

Oh, that's terrible. I'm really sorry.

Look, I'm going to be perfectly honest

with you, mister...

It's Fletcher, Grady Fletcher.

Mr. Fletcher, I have reason to believe

my father came to this house to retrieve

an extremely valuable object that was rightfully his

and he was murdered by a person or persons

who wanted to steal it from him.

Well, there's nothing valuable in here.

I just got off the phone with my aunt Jess, and--

No, no, no, the object I'm speaking of

was given to Jessica Fletcher

by Miss Harriet lanihan shortly before her death.

They killed aunt Harriet too?

Oh, no, no, no, no, she died of natural causes.

But my father sent her the object from Shanghai

because he was afraid that the Cambodian

was gonna try and steal it from him again.

-Cambodian? -Yeah.

He's an extremely dangerous man.

Yeah, I think I met him.

So you figure he killed your father?

Possibly.

We're talking person or persons?

Well, who else do you think is after this whatchamacallit?

Justin hunnicut.

Is that two people?

He's a cold, unfeeling man. He's relentless as a glacier.

Mr. Fletcher, would you help me?

Yeah.

Would you let me have

what my father died to protect,

for himself and for me?

[clears throat]

-Well, who are you? -Who are you?

That's my wife.

Donna, this is captain Malachi's daughter, Carla.

She wants me to help her.

What was she doing, paying in advance?

[tires squealing]

That's hunnicut. He mustn't find me here.

Do you have a back door?

Yeah, it's out that way.

This thing you're after, you never told me what it is.

Look, I beg you, don't do business with hunnicut.

I'll be in touch.

Grady, I think maybe we should go back to New York.

Yeah, okay, first thing in the morning.

Hey, I felt the baby kick.

-That was my fist. -Oh.

Come on. Come on. This way.

Hurry up.

-Don't make a sound. -But, Grady--

Donna, Donna, don't argue with me.

There's no place to run.

I've just got to deal with this.

[doorbell rings]

Sheriff Metzger.

-I thought you were hunnicut. -Who?

I'm not sure.

Yeah, well, listen.

I got to thinking that maybe that killer

might make another attempt to get his hand on your gizmo.

I think she just did.

She?

Donna, you're wrong about her.

Captain Malachi's daughter, she's a sweet--

Oh, wait. Wait. Just save it.

My friend down at the maritime union,

took him less than five minutes

to give me the skinny on Malachi.

The guy was as much of a sea captain as Floyd here.

He was an ordinary seaman who jumped ship in Rangoon

back in '76 and then vanished.

The Burmese cops discovered he was smuggling art objects

out of there in his bunk mattress.

And as for him having a daughter,

well, the same World War II basic training accident

that cost him his leg

also fixed it so he couldn't make babies.

I can't believe I believed her.

I can.

Anyway, I decided to post a deputy here

for the rest of the night.

Yeah, good. That's great.

Good idea, sheriff. Who?

Honey, wake up. I'll get breakfast started.

[screams]

Donna? Donna!

Donna, are you okay? Donna!

Oh, my God.

[muffled whimpering]

Oh!

Sure he's okay, Doc?

Mm, a little bump on the head there,

not even very much swelling.

And I'd say his brain cells are still all fired up.

They must have hit me from behind.

Yeah, probably while you were sleeping in the chair.

-Thanks, Doc. -Yeah.

Come on, Floyd.

[phone ringing]

Morning, Doc Hazlitt speaking.

Jessica.

You sound right across the street.

Oh, I wish I were.

I wanted to talk to you

before I leave to have my hair done.

Oh, Seth, here it is, Emma's opening night,

and I'm going to meet the queen,

and all I can think about is Donna and Grady.

Do you suppose that you could just look in on them for me?

I have, and they're fine. What's got you worried?

Something's not right over there.

I can hear it in their voices.

Seth, is there a problem with the baby?

Absolutely not.

You wouldn't fib to me?

Mrs. Fletcher, I refuse to dignify that

with an answer.

[sighs]

Well, that's a relief.

And my house is still standing?

Last time I looked.

Jess, are you sure you're not coming down

with meet-her-majesty fright?

I'm told it's very common among us commoners.

Well, I don't know. Maybe you're right.

Seth...

Seth, you wouldn't happen to know anything about a man

who dropped in on them, a captain Malachi?

[stammering]

I don't believe that's a name I've heard before.

It's strange that he would show up in Cabot Cove.

You know, at one time,

he was a Beau of my aunt Harriet.

Is that so?

Yes, she was such a dear.

She never married, lived by herself in Boston.

You know, she was so upset

that she had nothing to leave me in her will,

so on her deathbed, she insisted on giving me

what has to be the ugliest little statuette

that I have ever seen.

Jess, I've got to go.

I've got an emergency call on my other line.

But you have a--

You have a wonderful time tonight,

and I'll-- I'll see you in a few days.

Good-bye.

Jessica's right. It's really ugly.

I mean, how can so many people want anything so unattractive?

It's gone.

When we were asleep.

You know, I got a hunch it's time for a second opinion.

You don't look good, sheriff.

You eating enough seafood lately?

Kris, the letter.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Hmm.

Cruise to the far East, huh? Who told you that?

Never mind that. What does it really say?

It's about a dragon of some kind.

It says if it's authentic,

it's worth a great deal of money.

Kris, how do you say "bingo" in Greek?

The word's, um...

"Eureka."

Thank you, pal.

Yeah?

Well, how sure are you?

I really feel terrible about making such a mess

of Mrs. Fletcher's house.

Not as terrible as I feel having to clean it up.

Well, it wasn't easy, you know, doing it on the quiet.

I was worried about your missus, her condition and all.

Oh, by the way, how'd that scrod turn out?

I don't want to talk about it, okay?

Well, I can understand that.

I really wouldn't have done anything like this,

but just-- business has been really lousy.

And when the sheriff showed me that letter

from that Rangoon art dealer...

You picked one hell of a time

to start your crime career, Nick.

Did that check out or what?

Yeah, it checked out.

At the very moment our murder victim

was having his head caved in with a lamp

in Mrs. Fletcher's living room,

Nick was losing next month's rent

in a poker game with Mayor booth

and half the volunteer fire department.

I don't do so good at cards.

Well, that still doesn't get you off the hook

for grand theft dragon.

What have you got, Doc?

Oh, well, quite a mouthful, actually.

Ms. Buffum over at the library was most helpful.

Now, let's see.

It's called the szechuan dragon.

400 years old.

Tang dynasty.

Stolen from the forbidden city over 200 years ago.

It vanished until 1805, when it turned up

in the collection of a Hapsburg prince,

which was then looted by one of Napoleon's generals.

The general was murdered 12 years later,

and the dragon didn't pop up again till 1916

at the hermitage in St. Petersburg.

It was stolen the following year,

during the Russian revolution.

And after that...

[phone ringing]

Well, after that, it gets kind of sketchy.

You got any idea what the dingus is worth?

Eight figures, minimum.

Sheriff's office. Floyd speaking.

Eight? That would make it worth...

Yeah, it sure would.

Yes, ma'am. Sheriff, it's Mrs. Fletcher.

She's been trying her house and Dr. Hazlitt's office,

can't get anybody.

Hi, Mrs. Fletcher.

No, Grady's right here.

Donna went shopping.

No, no, they're both still breathing.

No, your house did not burn down.

Look, to tell you the truth, it's just a murder, that's all.

Yeah-- yeah.

Well, there was a reason we didn't.

You want to know, I'll tell you.

But I hope you're not at a pay phone,

because this is gonna take quite a while.

I don't know.

My husband would be so disappointed in me.

Hey, my husband's been disappointed

in me for 18 years.

Go for it.

All right.

And I want nuts, whipped cream, cherries, the whole shot.

And sprinkles?

And sprinkles.

[sighs]

[humming]

So we're up to our old tricks, are we?

-Justin-- -It is you and him.

I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.

Shut her up.

Ow! Oh, help! Help!

Be quiet, please. Please be quiet.

Help! Help! Help!

Help!

This is a clear violation of rights.

You manhandled me.

[all clamoring]

Hey, hey, hey!

All of you, put a lid on it,

or I'm gonna toss you all in jail

and take a nice long vacation.

Better.

Sorry about that, Mrs. Fletcher.

Now, then, which one of these winners

were you saying I should book?

None of them? Well, then who?

Who?

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Is that gorgeous or what?

[tires squealing]

Morning, sheriff.

Morning, Mrs. Lewis.

What can we do for you?

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to charge your son

with grand theft

and the murder of Herbert Malachi.

Stanley...

Mom, he's totally shredded.

I never heard of the guy in my life.

Well, the way Mrs. Fletcher figures it,

Malachi interrupted you while you were

burglarizing her house.

Oh, come on. I mean, what does she know?

She's thousands of miles away.

Stanley!

Perhaps we ought to listen to what the sheriff has to say.

Mrs. Fletcher thinks you got yourself a duplicate

of the kitchen door key that she left for your mother

so she could get in and water the plants

and that you let yourself in about 4:30 in the morning.

But why?

He was looking for cash, Mrs. Lewis,

to pay for the new motorcycle.

[scoffs]

Forget it. I got a bank loan.

Oh. I checked.

They turned you down.

So you forged your mother's signature

on one of her checks.

Only her balance didn't quite cover the nut,

so you had to look for the rest someplace else,

like that blue envelope in Mrs. Fletcher's kitchen drawer.

It was full of cash to pay the plumber.

Mrs. Fletcher figures what probably happened was,

Malachi walked in the open door and caught you in the act.

And since you weren't anxious to have any witnesses,

you went after him.

[both grunting]

You forced the old man into the living room,

where you brained him with a lamp.

You probably dropped your key during the struggle.

When Mrs. Fletcher's nephew turned on the upstairs light,

you figured you'd better bug out of there fast.

When we found the key,

we assumed it belonged to the old sailor,

except he had no way of getting one.

But you did.

Sheriff, do you have any proof?

We found the blue envelope

in Mrs. Fletcher's wastebasket, Mrs. Lewis.

The lab boys tell us it's got three sets of prints on it.

One belongs to Mrs. Fletcher, one to Grady's wife,

and we're pretty sure the third set's

gonna match Stanley's.

That bike is so hot.

I take that thing out on the road

and really open it up, you know?

The wind rushing past.

For a minute there,

I can actually outrun the smell of those stinking fish.

[sobbing]

What can I tell you?

Mrs. Fletcher is the rightful owner of this thing,

so you people are gonna just have to try

to make a deal with her.

My attorneys are gonna have one or two things

to say about that, sheriff.

Oh, yeah?

Well, they can say them after Stanley's trial,

because until that's over,

I'm hanging on to this thing for evidence.

And another thing, you people ought to be thankful

that Grady and Donna here aren't pressing charges.

I still can't figure out

why anybody would want to buy one of these.

[both gasp]

Oh, my God, Sir.

Your incredible clumsiness has just destroyed $20 million.

Well, you can add it to my list.

The wooden base broke off. Look.

"Made in Taiwan"?

Grady, it's a fake.

-No. -It's impossible.

Nonsense, even a nitwit like Herbert Malachi

wouldn't risk his life carrying a piece of junk

halfway across the world.

I don't know if I'd bet the plantation on that,

Mr. Hunnicut.

Seems to me Mr. Malachi put this key in the dragon.

And I expect he's the only one who would know what it opened.

See, it has little numbers etched into the metal.

Some sort of code, I expect,

telling us where the Szechuan dragon

might possibly be.

[shouting]

Floyd, stop them!

All right, hold it, sheriff.

That's just the key to my old fishing tackle box.

Oh, I expect that'll keep them busy

for some years to come.

Don't you?