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1
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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.
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00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,480
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Sorry, I've got to get that.
3
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:15,520
Hello?
The castle's on fire.
4
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:19,000
Blackfinger, Meg!
Blackfinger is on fire!
5
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:28,160
OK, man the defences, catapults,
arches, fill the meadow hall
with some quicklime.
6
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,760
No, Meg! You need to get online
right now!
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00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,000
Well, I can't right now
because I'm at badminton.
8
00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:35,800
You're at badminton?
The racket sport of badminton?
9
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:38,840
Yes, Nicky, because Alison set me up
on a date with a man called Dale
10
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,640
and I am this close.
Seriously, I can sniff dicks.
11
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,800
I see.
Well, while you're up to your gills
12
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,520
in dicks and pubes and scrota,
13
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:47,400
we are under siege.
14
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,880
It's those kids from South Korea.
They're back.
15
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,920
Nicky, this is my first
night off in two months.
16
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,920
And which do you think is more
important, Meg,
17
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,680
a game of badminton
or a fucking castle?
18
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,320
Blackfinger and everything
it offers us strategically.
19
00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,960
Argh!
20
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:04,280
Meg, is everything all right?
Yes, it's fine, thank you, Alison.
21
00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:07,320
It's not fine though, is it, Meg?
What am I supposed to tell them?
22
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,720
Tell them your fucking castle's
on fire!
23
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,520
I not saying those words.
24
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,920
They're stealing all our stuff, Meg,
our weapons, our gold.
25
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,320
We'll have to grind,
grind it all back.
26
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,400
No, I'm going. Bye, Nicky.
27
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:26,240
Oh!
28
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,120
I'm really sorry.
That was my mum, erm...
29
00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,640
There's been a fire and...
Sorry, your mum's on fire?
30
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,680
No, she's not!
We don't think so.
31
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:45,960
I'm really sorry.
32
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:49,960
It's a fire.
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00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,160
Obviously, that's ruined, Dale.
34
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,800
That's another whole area of town
that I can't set foot in ever again,
35
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,720
because I really quite strongly
implied that my mum burned to death.
36
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,920
This is what happens out there.
You're essentially Icarus
37
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,720
and you flew too close to the sun
38
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,000
with your wings made
from badminton rackets.
39
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:21,320
Might as well just face it, my
vagina is like a rare Penny Black.
40
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,800
It is never getting licked.
41
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,280
Well, the best thing
you can do now is just grind.
42
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,680
Grind it out, Meg.
Succumb unto the grind.
43
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,120
They are moreish.
44
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,720
The sensation of clubbing
brown bears is...
45
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,880
It's just moreish!
You're loving this, aren't you?
46
00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:42,120
This is basically your favourite
bit, the drudgery,
47
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,560
hitting animals with cudgels.
48
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,200
So sorry, Meg. It's just hard to
hear you over the deafening screams
49
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,640
of all these bears.
50
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,480
Popsicle Mybutt reporting
for business. What's happening?
51
00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,160
Usman, where were you last night?
I was skyping you.
52
00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,800
I bet. My wife's out of town
so I'm in charge of childcare.
53
00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,280
Well, while you were in charge
of childcare and Meg
54
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:06,400
was at badminton, I got fucked
to death by Korean super-children.
55
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:10,000
We lost Blackfinger.
Oh, Jesus Christ, no!
56
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:13,520
Not again!
Daddy, can you do my eye drops?
57
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,440
Not now, honey. Daddy's busy!
So now what do we do?
58
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,200
Same as always, we grind
until we've got the gold
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00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,800
to buy it back.
60
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,280
You know, whenever we do this,
I always think of Paddington!
61
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,560
Computer, phone.
Phone comes with, does it?
62
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,080
OK, nobody panic, but there's
a new guy in the office.
63
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:37,840
He's here right now. He's like ten
metres away and he is hot as balls.
64
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,040
Oh, boys, I am feeling
a stirring in the nubbin.
65
00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:42,840
Oh, geez, not the nubbin.
66
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:46,880
I'm telling you, my female gonad
has awakened from its slumbers.
67
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,160
Wow, that was a quick
slumber, wasn't it?
68
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,000
OK, he just smiled at me. It's on.
69
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,440
I just licked my lips.
You licked your lips?
70
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,040
I was looking right at him
and I licked my lips.
71
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,520
It depends.
It either makes you look horny
or like a cannibal.
72
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,320
Small lick is fine,
large lick is insane.
73
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:08,280
That would make you look insane.
I'm fine then.
74
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,200
Clearly blown it.
75
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:13,080
So... Oh, right, he's coming over.
It's back on. It's back on.
76
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,680
Hi, Russell.
I'm the new guy.
77
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,640
Just thought I should come
Eh, Meg, Megan.
78
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,920
But you can call me Meg or Megan.
Preferably Meg.
79
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:25,280
No-one calls me Megan.
My nan - she died, Halloween.
80
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,560
Unrelated. It's not like someone
scared her to death.
81
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,240
Pneumonia.
Which I've always thought is ironic,
82
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,240
cos it kills off so many old people,
but they should call it...
83
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:35,920
..oldmonia.
84
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,200
Whatever you do, do
not lick your lips.
85
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,040
So, yeah, it's the first day.
I'm just like, where is everything?
86
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,240
I couldn't find the kettle.
87
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:43,760
I mean it, Meg, no licking of lips.
88
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,400
So I bought a coffee from the
machine, but it swallowed my money,
89
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,720
and now I'm getting quite thirsty.
90
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,240
Don't lick them, Meg!
Hold your tongue!
91
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,000
There's actually a bigger kitchen
just through that way.
92
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,760
Are you playing a bloody game
on there?!
93
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,120
On my lunch break, I'm playing it
on my lunch break!
94
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,840
It's got fucking dragons in it!
It has wyverns, yeah.
It's Kingdom Scrolls.
95
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:08,200
It's basically Final Fantasy online
for people who aren't
pompous fuckheads.
96
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,360
Can I have a quick wazz?
I'd rather you didn't!
97
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,560
Wazz! It's just basically
like me coming round to your house
98
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,560
and asking to use your toothbrush.
Just... Ah, urgh!
99
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,640
Yeah, no, sure.
100
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,520
You could create your own character.
101
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:27,360
Can I be a dragon?
You can be a spider rider,
102
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:31,520
Oh! Yeah, I'd
bloody love to ride a bloody spider!
103
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:32,840
I'll send you a link.
104
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,000
Cool, I'll see you on there.
105
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,520
Boys, I have a date.
You have a date?
106
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:46,920
What, like an American woman
in an American film, like Meg Ryan
107
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,760
in You've Got An E-mail?
Right, you keep grinding.
108
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,120
I'm hitting the bogs,
because I'm in the mood
109
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,240
for some rubbin' of the nubbin.
110
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,720
Maybe I could take him up
to the top of Greycloud,
111
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,880
show him the view out
over the Twisted Heath.
112
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:07,120
I tell you where's romantic,
the Lake of Corpses.
113
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,520
I'm not taking him there!
Nicky, I want this guy to stomp me.
114
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:13,360
I want him to demolish
my entire downtown area.
115
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,200
I want him to gentrify me.
116
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,040
Shit!
117
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,400
Oh, no, he's doing it again.
Who?
118
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,400
The man, with the sponge and thing!
119
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,480
He's like two feet away.
He's cleaning my window.
120
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,880
Oh, God, he's judging me
so hard right now.
121
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,960
The withered man at his keyboard.
122
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,280
The meat lump on a swivel chair.
This is absolutely intolerable.
123
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,320
Just pull the curtain then.
I can't, he'll see.
124
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,240
Maybe if I do it...
125
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,520
..really slowly?
126
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,640
Nice and gently.
127
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,680
Just going to ease the curtain over.
128
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,040
Easy does it.
129
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,400
OK, he's staring at me. Too late.
130
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:53,760
Nearly over now!
131
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:58,120
And it's done. I've successfully
closed the curtains
132
00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,880
on my feelings of inadequacy.
133
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,720
So here's the thing they never
tell you about childcare -
134
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,160
Oh, yeah?
135
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,840
It's essentially the easiest
thing I've ever done.
136
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,080
I've got one doing homework
and one in the playpen.
137
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,160
Wait, she's there with you now?
It's OK. She can't see the screen.
138
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,880
She's in her cot with the bars
and the lid.
139
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:19,880
I made a lid for the cot
out of some plywood.
140
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,280
It's for her own safety,
just to stop her climbing out.
141
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,680
She's a climber, that one!
BABY LAUGHS
142
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:26,800
She's in a cot with a lid?!
143
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,760
She's basically in a cage!
It's not a cage.
144
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:33,120
Does sound quite cagey.
OK, can we stop calling it a cage?
145
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:36,800
It's a playpen with a lid.
Daddy, I can't see my homework.
146
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,520
My eyes are all itchy.
147
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:41,240
Two seconds, honey.
Just keep blinking.
148
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,440
Hello, giant green slag.
149
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,040
Chatting, right.
150
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:49,960
Can we help you, love?
151
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,120
Meg, it's me, Russell from work.
152
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,320
Oh!
153
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,560
You made a woman!
You're a massive woman!
154
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,040
I know! I'm a massive woman.
155
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,440
I'm basically the biggest
possible woman.
156
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,040
I love this game!
157
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,480
Quack, quack, quack,
I'm a giant running woman!
158
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,480
Oh, boy, we have a casual among us.
159
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,040
Wait, my mouth's
moving when I speak. Amazing!
160
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,400
How does it do that? How does
it know what I'm going to say?
161
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,880
No, it does.
Look... Look at me.
162
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,400
I'm talking. I'm talking.
163
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:20,240
I'm talking, I'm talking!
164
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,040
I'm talking, I'm talking!
165
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,760
I'm talking! I'm talking!
166
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,920
It's just flaps.
167
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,440
The mouth just flaps regardless.
168
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,080
Because I can say, "I'd like
a ham bagel", or I can say,
169
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,600
"I'm dying of throat cancer",
and it's exactly the same.
170
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:34,920
Look at the sun!
171
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,320
Look at the other sun!
172
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:37,880
Look at the plants!
173
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,280
Look at that plant!
174
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,680
Mushrooms? It's got bloody mushrooms
in it!
175
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,560
Oh, my God. If you sheath your
weapon and unsheathe it again,
it looks like wanking.
176
00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,520
Ha-ha!
177
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,880
Oh, brother, another genius
who discovers wanking hands
178
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:52,680
and thinks he's Thomas Edison.
179
00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,000
Er, actually, could
you just stop doing that?
180
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:59,560
We just tend to take a very dim view
on it as a community.
181
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,320
So what are we doing?
Long view.
182
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,720
The citadel's fallen into the hands
of the Red Scorn and their leader,
183
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:08,320
the Hive Mother, has banished
all dissident factions,
184
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,320
so that's your hunchbacks,
that's your humans,
185
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,560
that's your Amazonians,
to the outer rim,
186
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:15,480
where we've formed into a rebel
alliance known as the J-Knot,
187
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:18,000
headed up by a charismatic
but itinerant barbarian
188
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,920
by the name of Tannadal Quan.
189
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:24,160
But now the Hive Mother's
on the throne, so politically,
the Night Kingdom is just roiling.
190
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,320
It's a powderkeg. It's just...
191
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:27,720
..roiling!
192
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,280
So what we doing?
We're grinding.
193
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,960
We're repetitiously slaying
low-level brown bears in exchange
194
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,040
for very small amounts of gold.
195
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,800
It's essentially factory work.
Why are we doing that?
196
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,840
To buy our castle back. Also, when I
have crucifixion experience points,
197
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,240
XP, I'll level up, and there'll be
a little red banner on screen
198
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,240
and a tinging sound, and
it'll trigger a tiny dopamine rush
199
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,600
in the mesolimbic pathway
of my frontal lobes and,
200
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:56,560
for that second, I will momentarily
forget about death.
201
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:01,320
Quack, quack, quack,
I'm a giant wanking woman!
202
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,920
HE LAUGHS
203
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,320
Meg, private chat, please.
204
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:11,640
He's a fucking moron!
He's not a fucking moron.
205
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,800
Meg, he made a tower of cows.
206
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,080
HE LAUGHS
207
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,440
It's a...
208
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,840
He is a fucking moron,
but I still want to shag him.
209
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:24,240
Meg, he's a casual, one of them,
Candy Crush with VR headsets.
210
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,840
He's a clacker.
OK, he's not a clacker.
211
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,200
Just going to activate
his voice channel for a second.
212
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,080
I want you to listen
to the clacking.
213
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,600
HE MAKES CLACKING NOISES
214
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,280
Oh, God, it hurts me!
215
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,680
See?
He's a filthy newbie clacksman!
216
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,680
Fine, he's a clacksman.
He still has meat between his legs.
217
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:45,240
He's still sitting on a potential
food source, valuable zinc deposits.
218
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,200
Look at him, running around,
enjoying it.
219
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,800
What is this, an arcade game?
220
00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,920
Are we playing Outrun in an arcade
and drinking Coke and laughing?
221
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,800
Maybe it's about time
we had some fun for a change.
222
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,560
Listen to yourself, Meg!
223
00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,360
Oh, anyway,
why can't I fuck a moron?!
224
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,280
Men fuck stupid women all of the
time. That's like their whole thing.
225
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,320
You don't hear men like, "Oh, she's
really hot. I'm just a bit worried
226
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:07,960
"that she hasn't read the classics."
227
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,760
No, I have a God-given
right to fuck morons!
228
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,680
Wait, the monocle.
Where did he get the monocle?
229
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,400
He must have bought it.
No way he unlocked that already.
230
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,800
He bought the monocle?
231
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,360
That's like £20 of money,
232
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,640
20 actual money pounds.
233
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,120
Holy shit, he's just
bought the tri-wing!
234
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,120
Jesus Christ, this guy's loaded.
235
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,200
Guys, I just had
a potentially unpleasant idea.
236
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,800
I'm all ears.
I'm literally one giant ear.
237
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,640
We murder the clacksman.
238
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,400
MEG SIGHS
239
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,520
Alison, can I ask you something?
Hmm.
240
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,680
So I met a guy at work
who I like, in the sense
241
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,400
that I want to smash
myself relentlessly
242
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:00,720
into his privates.
243
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,520
But he started playing
Kingdom Scrolls and he's quite
244
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:07,320
annoying so now I'm thinking
about maybe killing him and stealing
245
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,600
all of his gold so we could buy some
really cool weapons.
246
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,280
Sorry, killing him?
Oh.
247
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,880
In
a cave.
248
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,400
With ham...
249
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:17,880
With hammers?
250
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,520
Stealthy, also more visceral.
Yeah, OK, with hammers.
251
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:24,040
Right, so what was it
you wanted to ask me exactly?
252
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,760
I don't know, really, it's just good
to get another brain on it.
253
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:30,840
No, sure. Because it sounds a bit -
and I am just floating this here -
254
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,560
a bit horrible?
255
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:33,800
It's just a game, though.
256
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,000
I still want to shag him.
257
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:38,120
I just think you might be sending
a mixed message there, Meg.
258
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,880
"I know I killed you in a cave
with a hammer, but let's
go to Prezzo."
259
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,320
Yeah, but we have to grind a lot,
Alison, and this guy's got tonnes
260
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,040
of gold. So if we rob him,
I could buy a new shield,
261
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,040
level up more quickly, get back
to the citadel, but also you do
262
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,360
need to feed the beast
in the basement, Alison,
263
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,680
because she needs her nutrients
and she is growling.
264
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,800
On the other hand, a new shield,
something with actual
265
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:01,680
frost resistance and everything
that offers me strategically...
266
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,320
I see your dilemma, there.
267
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,920
It's a real bean scratcher.
268
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,520
But basically you're saying I should
just gank him and see what happens?
269
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,160
I don't think I'm
saying gank him, no.
270
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,960
Great. Thank you, Alison.
271
00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,600
MEG SIGHS
Did you..?
272
00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,400
Did you just sneer at my dinner?
273
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:21,160
No, I just looked at it.
274
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,440
Yeah. OK, Alison, I believe you.
275
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,880
Meg, what do you think about the
What flute?
276
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,120
I'm thinking of learning
to play the flute.
277
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,560
You really want to know
Mmm.
278
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,400
I think it's a colossal waste of
Thanks, Meg.
279
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,920
Heads up, just
locked back in.
280
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,160
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
281
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,880
DOOR SLAMS
282
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,200
Enjoy your dinner.
283
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,440
Meg, get him on the
chat.
284
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,960
Russell, how's it going?
285
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,960
I'm riding a dragon
and I'm wearing a crown.
286
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,720
I'm having a terrible time.
287
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,920
I'm not, that was a joke, I love it!
288
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,720
So I was thinking we could head
down to the Cave of Souls.
289
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:03,160
Yeah, I heard there was maybe some
treasure down there.
290
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,240
I heard that too,
and a big golden sword.
291
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,600
I need a sword.
292
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,080
What are we waiting for, guys, let's
go.
293
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,680
Why have you all got all hammers?
294
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,880
Oh, we were just doing a bit of DIY.
295
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:14,920
Ooh.
296
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,640
So, Russell, did you maybe
want to get coffee sometime?
297
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:24,120
Like Wednesday?
298
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,600
Erm... OK, then.
299
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,160
Great, let's log that in the diary
immediately regardless
300
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,960
of what may or may not
be about to happen.
301
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,840
That is logged in the diary.
302
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,760
Well, here we are.
303
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,640
It's a treasure hunt.
304
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,000
Where's all the treasure?
305
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,240
Oh, maybe it's under this rock.
306
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,920
OK, who wants to start?
Me.
307
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,720
GIRL: Daddy, my eyes are weeping.
308
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:46,480
No, but that's good, sweet pea!
309
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,600
That's the eye washing itself.
310
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:49,680
OK, where were we?
311
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,280
GIRL: I can't open my eye, Daddy.
312
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:53,840
Usman, do you need to go?
313
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,280
It's fine, she gets it,
she totally gets it.
314
00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,760
GIRL: I'm trying to do my
own eye drops, Daddy,
315
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,720
but they're just running all over my
face.
316
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,920
Oh, boy, when is my
fricking wife home?
317
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,120
I have to go.
318
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,200
I'm truly sorry.
319
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,920
Enjoy.
320
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,800
God, this is a really hard treasure
hunt because I can not
321
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,080
see it anywhere.
322
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,880
Oh, yeah, that's weird, isn't it?
323
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:14,920
Now!
324
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,280
Argh!
325
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,600
What's happening?
326
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:18,680
Urgh!
327
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:19,720
Urgh!
328
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,120
Why are you hitting me with hammers?
329
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,320
Why isn't he dying?!
330
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,040
Aim for his head, he'll die quicker.
331
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,320
Can you hear me?
332
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,840
I think you're hitting me.
333
00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,880
Put your hands down!
Stop defending yourself,
334
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:33,040
you're making it worse!
335
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,960
Why are you hitting me?!
336
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:36,320
You should stop that, really.
337
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,120
MEG GROANS
338
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:39,280
Urgh.
339
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,400
Grab his stuff.
340
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,000
Yeah, he's got gold, get the gold.
341
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,440
I think he had potions.
342
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,080
Why are you taking my things?!
343
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,600
Why is he still on the chat?!
344
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,280
Ignore him, just get the stuff.
345
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,560
Do I take his shoes?
346
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,640
Take everything!
OK, let's just go.
347
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:53,960
Oh, fuck!
348
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,480
Right. Well, bye, then, Meg.
349
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,440
I guess I'll see you at work.
350
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:06,840
That's a pity.
351
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,920
KETTLE BURBLES
352
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,360
So, how did it go last night?
353
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,120
Yeah, good, thanks.
354
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,240
Got the gold, bought a new shield.
355
00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:47,960
All is good within the hood.
356
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,440
So you did it then?
357
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,560
You murdered that man?
358
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,400
That we did, that we did.
359
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,880
Well done.
360
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:55,920
I thank you.
361
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,200
And how did he take it?
362
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,720
The murder?
363
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,840
On the chin, overall.
Hmm.
364
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:06,160
I mean, he sounded quite upset,
but I think he was just doing
365
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,560
that to try and get us to stop.
Right.
366
00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:11,120
And, I mean, the game lets
you do it, so how horrible
367
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:13,440
Hmm.
368
00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,120
Although I have walked
in on you hacking up old women.
369
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,000
Yeah, but they're hags, to be
fair.
370
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,360
Yeah, no, sure.
371
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,400
Hags.
372
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,960
Plus we've all done horrible things.
373
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,120
Haven't we, Alison?
374
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:31,400
Because I seem to remember
you calling Mrs Tully, quote,
375
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:33,720
"A fat shit."
376
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,600
In primary school, Meg.
What?
377
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,200
I'm just saying, Alison,
we've all done stuff.
378
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,240
All of us.
379
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:47,760
Yeah, I'd already
bought it when I asked you.
380
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:48,920
Whoo.
381
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,760
So you're just going
to do it, are you?
382
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:55,240
Learn the flute?
383
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,240
Nah, go for it.
384
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:03,920
I mean, you are already bilingual,
nice car, hot boyfriend, why not?
385
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,160
Good luck.
386
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,480
Because you'll fucking need it.
387
00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:09,520
DOOR SLAMS
388
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:14,360
TUNEFUL SOUND
389
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,520
Ah! Oh.
390
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,440
NICKY LAUGHS
391
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,520
"Ooh, shall I take his shoes?!"
392
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,040
I can't believe I took his shoes!
393
00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:25,800
NICKY LAUGHS
394
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,840
Oh, wait, here he comes.
Morning, Russell.
395
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,280
How's your head this morning?
396
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,280
Probably got some dents in it, I
imagine.
397
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,520
Probably got some dents in it, I
From all the hammering.
398
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:35,560
Good one!
399
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,080
Did he laugh?
400
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,400
No.
401
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,240
He did not laugh, no.
402
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,880
He actually looks quite sad.
403
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:46,920
Oh, right.
404
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,640
Hey-ho, another bridge burnt.
405
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,440
Anyhoo, back to the grind.
406
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,640
Meg?
407
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,160
Meg, hello?
408
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,960
Megan? Me-eg?
409
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,440
MEG!
410
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,240
Yeah, deal, megadeal.
411
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,680
I just did a megadeal.
412
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,280
I brought you a cup of water.
413
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,080
Has it got hammers in it?
414
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:19,200
Oh, come on, you're not seriously
in a mood about some stupid game?
415
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,440
What?! No, it's fine, I'm fine.
416
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,400
I'm sorry.
417
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,080
I'm sorry for ganking
you and stealing your sandals.
418
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,240
I'll give it all back.
419
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,320
Even though we did win it all in
combat.
420
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:40,080
Seriously, it's OK because there is
one thing you should know about me,
421
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:43,040
is that I get mugged a lot.
422
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,640
Who gets mugged?
I'll tell you who.
423
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,440
Muggins, muggins gets muggings.
424
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,680
I once got mugged
in my own kitchen, Meg.
425
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:52,760
My own kitchen!
426
00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:57,720
What a world we live in.
427
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,400
SCRAPING INSTRUMENTAL NOTE
428
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,800
OK, what are you doing?
429
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,880
I'm trying to kill a...
430
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,960
..sand crab with a banjo.
431
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,360
Why?
432
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,440
Erm, I'm starving,
433
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,520
and someone stole all my weapons.
434
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:27,120
Fine! I'll show you the basics, give
you a few combat lessons. Shift.
435
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,000
So what was the story about the
Red.
436
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:39,680
Red spawn, headed up by the hive
mother who is essentially a sort
437
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:43,760
of female Putin who sits
on a luminescent egg sac and she...
438
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,440
You're probably going to need a pen.
If you...
439
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:47,480
..just..
440
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,200
ANIMAL GROANS
441
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,240
THUDDING
442
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,320
Oh, my God!
443
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,800
That is the sweetest sound.
444
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:00,960
My wife is home.
445
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,400
Free at last, free at last!
446
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:07,000
Usman! What happened to her eye?!
447
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,320
Why is Caitlin in a box?!
448
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,600
OK. First of all, welcome home.
449
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,320
Second of all, that
is not a box, honey.
450
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,120
That is a cot with a lid.
451
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:25,080
So, Castle Black Finger
is ours once again.
452
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,960
I think we're almost ready, Nicky.
453
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,200
Ready to storm the citadel
and defeat the hive mother.
454
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:35,680
I mean, I guess we have
to because we made a vow.
455
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:36,800
Mmm, the sacred napkin.
456
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,240
I think maybe I've
still got it somewhere.
457
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,600
"We the undersigned do
solemnly swear to complete
458
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:47,080
Kingdom Scrolls together."
459
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:49,240
We're finally going to do it.
460
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:53,600
Two years and we're actually
going to finish the adventure.
461
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:57,120
This is the culmination
of everything.
462
00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:03,600
DRAMATIC MUSIC
463
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,200
Oh, I need a tea! Whoo!
464
00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,160
Do you want one?
OK.
465
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,240
OK, here comes his opening rush.
466
00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:34,760
And it's gone.
467
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,280
And on with the grind.
35576
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