All language subtitles for What.We.Do.in.the.Shadows.S06E11.The.Finale.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX

No. Naughty. Naughty!

Cravensworth's Monster
has entered

a remarkable new phase
of development.

He's horny.

No.

For a creature
entirely cobbled together

with cadaver parts...

Naughty boy.
Down. Down, boy.

- ...his drive to fornicate is phenomenal.
- Okay, just make it quick then.

Like I said, he's horny.

So, we have decided
this monster needs a bride.

So, we've started building him
a bride, but with the...

And now he's going to town
on himself again.

Oh, fuck.
Stay in the two shot, please.

He... He's got his hand
in the cookie jar!

Stop fucking doing that.

Now, where were we?

Dude's horny.

Guillermo and I have decided

to join forces
to fight crime together.

Technically, I have not agreed
to that yet.

Do you not like
the crime-fighting outfit

I got you for
your secret identity?

Are you ready, Cowboy Kid?
Then let's clean up this city.

Very nice.

I don't think anyone's gonna
be afraid of Kid Cowboy.

They will when
his partner shows up.

And who are you
supposed to be again?

They call me
"The Phantom Menace."

No.

That's already taken.

Shit.

We will track down evildoers

from our secret
underground lair.

Wow. Look at that.

Where-Where exactly
is this lair?

Deep, deep under the ground,

like, a thousand feet down
under the house.

Uh-huh.

Now, there will be
a secret lever on my coffin.

When I pull it,
the floor opens up

and the coffin goes down
like an elevator.

That's cool.

- Mmm. Thank you.
- I don't think you need a lair though.

And where am I supposed to put
my "super compuder," hmm?

- Your what?
- My "super compuder."

The lair is really the best bit.

Sounds fun, but I think I know
how this ends up.

This ends up
with me doing all the work.

It's gonna be equal partnership.

- How so?
- You do some stuff.

- Got it.
- I do some stuff.

Great. Settled.

Then if I am too busy,
then you can do some of my stuff.

There it is.

We've assembled
about 90% of the monster's bride-to-be,

but once again
we need the right head.

Fortunately, the monster
has shown us his preference.

He's made it pretty obvious
which way he swings.

For you, milady.

Right.
It appears our monster

has just torn off his own penis

and presented it
to The Guide as a gift.

Again.

This dude loves The Guide,
but so does Nandor.

And so, we've asked Nadja to see

if he would mind
if The Guide... you know.

Hmm, how do I put this?

I mean, I do think that there is
a part of The Guide

that does love Nandor.

So, how's about with the parts
that don't love you,

maybe we do something else
with those?

Sorry, what?
What do you mean by that?

We're hoping he won't object

if The Guide donated her head

for the creation of the bride
of Cravensworth's Monster.

And her... her...

And her... boobs.

I mean,
most of her attributes and...

- They're saying we're done.
- What's that?

- I think we've got everything we need.
- All right.

- Absolutely. Good stuff.
- Yeah.

If you had to pick
a part that you wanted...

Sorry, but we think
we have all we need.

- Sure.
- Oh, okay, yeah. Um...

No problemo.

Take my mic off over there.

- Have a good one.
- Cheers.

Thank you.

- No, thank you.
- There we go.

Sorry. Excuse me.

- Hey.
- Wassup.

What's going on?

I just heard the crew saying
the documentary's ending.

- Like, what?
- Well, it has been six years, Guillermo.

They said they have
enough footage now.

But why? We're in the middle
of everything and...

That's it? Like, it's done?

Well, you know, all good things
must come to an end.

- Preach.
- Does anyone else feel a draft in here?

I felt something.

Okay, what are we doing?
What's our game plan here?

We could throw another log
on the fireplace and...

No, not that.

Or wrap ourselves up
in a cozy quilt?

No. You guys, don't you think it's weird
that we've been doing this,

and it's all of a sudden
just ending?

Just, poof, it's just done?
It all ends? What?

This is not the end of anything.

We will keep doing
what we always do.

It's just these, um,
camera microphone people

will no longer be filming it.

That's what I'm talking about.

We've been doing this for so long.
Like, years of our lives.

You guys don't think
it's a little weird...

Laszlo!

Maybe not quite now.

Guillermo clearly
needs his diaper changing.

I'm not wearing a diaper.

It's just that it's so sudden.

When were you gonna tell me,
by the way?

Were you gonna tell me?
Am I the last person to know?

All of a sudden it's just pfft.

- It's hardly gone "pfft," Guillermo.
- Okay.

The crew will be filming
for at least

another couple of hours
to get some B-rolls.

- You're leaving in a couple of hours?
- Yes, at sunrise.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. That reminds me.

Get some B-roll footage
of me reading this big book.

Uh, Guillermo, hello.

Two hours is more than enough
to finish anything

you could possibly want
to do for the cameras.

You want to do
a little show-and-tell for us?

Or maybe, uh,
you could sing a little song.

My lady wife's right.
Sing a little song.

Do a little dance.

Yeah, and do a jig.
Come on, jig.

Come on, boy. Dance!

It's hot in here.
I'm gonna get fresh air.

- You've got the best moves.
- Do a dance!

- Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!
- Dance, boy.

- Shake it.
- Bye, bitch.

- Nandor. A private moment, please.
- Hmm?

- Come on.
- Excuse us.

You need to go
talk to Guillermo now.

I was doing my B-roll!

What about this, guys?
Is this good for the edit?

- Hmm.
- Nandor! Listen to me!

I have actually learned
a lot about human psychology

from doing my, uh,
big Wall Street job.

And I can tell that Guillermo
is actually very sad

about the documentary ending.

Eh, he will get over it.

Or maybe he won't.

I guess we'll never know.
Kidding. We will know.

But you will not because
you didn't bother filming it.

Don't be rude.

What about... Yes.

Something like, uh...
How's this? Is this anything?

Nandor! I'm serious.

These last six years are
the only slightly exciting thing

to ever happen to Guillermo
in his whole sad life.

- What?
- You know, it is like, the cameras

pretending to film him.

It made him feel like he was
as important as we are.

It's like when you put
a little raincoat on a dog,

and the dog is walking
around thinking,

"Oh, woof, woof.
I'm like a little human.

I've got a coat on."

But they're not.
They're just a little shit dog.

That is Guillermo,

and he's not going
to have any of that anymore.

But I'm sure
something interesting

will happen
to Guillermo eventually.

Fine. I will fix.

How are you guys doing
with this whole thing ending?

Do you need to talk to someone?
Or... 'Cause I'm here.

There, there, buddy.

Listen, you know I'm not

the most sentimental SOB
on the planet,

but, uh,
one time when I was down,

a wise man said something

that really put it all
into perspective.

What'd he say?

Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened.

I think I read that on a mug,
but thank you.

- That's very nice.
- Sure.

Knock-knock.
Knock-knock, knocking.

Colin Robinson, would you mind
if I had a word with Guillermo?

No, not at all. We're done.

Thank you, Colin.

Yeah, don't... don't hug me.

Guillermo, I know that this is
a big change for you.

But in life, we always
go through big changes.

For example,
when I was a young boy,

my favorite color was red.

But now my favorite color
is orange.

- Sorry, just remembered one thing.
- Yeah.

It's not the number of breaths
we take,

but the number of moments
that take our breath away.

That's nice. Thank you.

All right. Later.

Goodbyes are hard.

Yeah.

I once waved farewell

to a departing train
for over three hours,

and then I realized
that it wasn't a train at all.

It was a flatbed truck
full of port-a-potties.

- One more quick one.
- I'm talking here!

"We laughed until we had to cry.

We loved right down to our
last goodbye. We were the best."

St. Elmo's Fire, 1985.
Okay, later.

Guillermo, things end!

And that hurts!

It's just
the suddenness of it all.

It's hitting me so quickly, you know?
I just have all these feelings...

- Uh, Guillermo, you're Irish, right?
- No.

Okay, great. Then you
probably haven't heard this one.

"May the road
rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always
at your back.

May the sun..."
Fuck, I always forget this part.

Yeah, why don't you think about
it and come back? Or just not.

All right.
I'll leave you guys to it.

Where was I? I can't even remember
what the fuck I was saying.

You were saying that...
...goodbyes are hard.

Yes. So why don't you
stop being a little bitch?

Come downstairs
and we can all be together

during your hour of need.

House meeting!
House meeting!

Oh, good. You are all here.

- Excellent.
- Excuse me.

Uh... House meeting item
number one.

I want to talk about
general hygiene in the cell.

Please finish
a whole victim first

before moving on
to the next one, okay?

- Oh, yeah. That's nasty.
- Copy that.

- Shove it up your asshole.
- Just do it.

What else do we have here?
Oh, yes.

House meeting item number two.

It has come to my attention

that Guillermo has become
very emotional

because the documentary
is ending.

- No, I'll be fine. Thank you.
- You're not fine.

- I'’m fine.
- You're a blubbering mess.

And I think
we should discuss it.

Gizmo has become addicted to
the limelight, quite obviously.

What? No, I haven't.

He is but a walking shadow,
a poor player,

who struts and frets his hour
upon the stage

and then is heard no more.

Laszlo, that is so profound.

Thank you very much. I just
thought of it a second ago.

You know what? One time
I did see Guillermo take

a little can of Pringles

off the table of snacks
that the documentary crew uses.

So, maybe he's worried

that he won't be able
to steal food anymore.

Not stealing.

No, he's sad because
he has to end his secret affair

with Nate, the boom operator.

- What?
- Guillermo, you dirty dog.

You know, another time
I saw Guillermo take

as many Tic Tacs
as he could fit in his hands.

Okay.

You people know nothing
about human psychologies.

Guillermo is afraid

that he has wasted
16 years of his life serving us

and it has prevented him
from growing

- or changing in any way.
- Good point.

The ending of this documentary
is giving him

a preview of the ending
of his own frail, human life.

Does that sound right, Gizmo?
Does that resonate?

I think the question that
Gizmo is asking himself is,

"To be or not to be?"

Because that is the question
Gizmo is asking himself.

So eloquent.

Again,
just off the top of my head.

Just gonna circle back
to what I was saying.

Guillermo is very worried

that he will feel
equally as unfulfilled

by his own life's journey
and meaning.

Be well, everyone.

- It's not.
- I know what it is.

It's Greg,
the A-camera operator, right?

Is it Greg,
the A-camera operator,

that you've been
secretly fucking?

- No.
- And does Nate, the boom operator,

- know about this?
- I'm not having affairs with anyone.

Or is it Frank the grip
that looks a lot like Nandor?

- He doesn't look like me.
- No, that's not it.

No. No offense.

You must get upset
that things end, right?

Wouldn't mind if this
house meeting ended soon.

So what if the documentary ends?

Before you know it,
a new documentary crew

will come in and make a whole
new documentary about us.

Well, that seems
highly unlikely.

Excuse me. This is not even
the first documentary

that was made about us.

What?

House meeting!
House meeting!

Oh, good. You are all here.
Excellent.

Right. Uh, house meeting item
number one.

I want to talk about
general hygiene in the cell.

Please, please, please finish
a whole victim

before moving on
to the next, okay?

Well, I wouldn't have to keep
saying it if we just did it.

Jerry, yes.
New business?

Extremely old business.

I really think we need to start
making more progress

conquering America.

Um, hello? We have been
making some progress.

We've already got
some of Ashley Street.

Laszlo, are you hearing this?

Yes, yes. Very good. Thank you!

That's it.

Wait, where are you going?

I'll tell you where I'm going.
I'm going into super-slumber.

- He was always saying that.
- Here we go again.

The cheek on it! Laszlo! Hello?

- Eureka!
- What?

I've got it! Now,
if I increase the voltage

to the diaphragm muscles,
the heart should start beating

of its own accord,
much like this.

Oh, fucking hell.

Oh, Laszlo.

Oh, hey. Big article
here on the water main break.

"That was the worst flood I've
seen since the Great Flood

of 1892, says local resident
Nandor Lee, a dentist."

Nandor, you fucking idiot!

Now everyone's going to know
that we are vampires,

and that we've lived here
for hundreds of years.

Everyone grab their disguises.

We've gotta hit the road
before they come for us.

Everybody, grab your go bags!

No! This is where we make
our final sta...

Oh, damn it!

Maybe they don't think
we are vampires.

I just said that I'm a dentist.

No, you idiot! You said
"Nandor the Relentless."

They thought you said
"Nandor Lee, a dentist."

Shit.

Who the fuck are you? And how the fuck
did you get in here?

- And a pleasure to meet you, young lady.
- Oh.

My name's Daytona,
Jackie Daytona.

And I hail from Tucson.
Tucson, "Arizonia."

Is this guy here to kill us?

It's me, Laszlo!

Oh, Laszlo, did you just see
the very sexy man

from "Arizonia"? That's...

Do you know what? Never mind.
We have to go and hit the road.

- Yes, we should.
- No, I surrender to no one!

- Come on! - I've gotta do one more thing,
my darling.

Leave it!

She thinks I'm gonna leave here
without my witch's skin hat.

- Leave it!
- Well, that would be bullshit.

I'm standing my ground!

Wow. Lot of the stuff
that happened

while I was here
happened before.

I mean,
there was no me in there,

but I was having
very fun adventure.

So, did the documentary
ever come out?

No. They filmed us
for ten years,

but then they decided
that they didn't have

enough good material.

Yeah. Said it's just a bunch
of boring people

doing the same old shit
day after day.

Nothing changes.
No one ever grows.

- It's pointless. Yada yada.
- That too.

See, this is what I've been
trying to say, you know?

We've gotten a second chance

to set the record straight
on... on vampire life.

We can't stop filming.
Just not now.

They haven't even
scratched the surface

you know, of the glory
and majesty of vampirism.

- They haven't even really...
- Guillermo. Guillermo, sweetie.

Would you mind
if I use my deep understanding

of human psychologies
to offer up some help for you?

No, thank you. I'm fine, Nadja.

Okay,
well I'm gonna do it anyway.

I want you to know that
I'm talking with you, not at you.

- Thank you.
- And I say this with love.

It's over!

- Did you receive that, or...
- What?

If you really feel like you need
a special ending to this,

you have about an hour
to make it happen, cap'n.

Actually, now about a half hour.

Why don't you do that little
dance you've been dying to do?

- Then we can call it a night.
- Dance.

- Come on, boy. Dance!
- Dance! Dance! Dance!

Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

Stop! We need an ending.
It has to be good! Okay?

It has to be good,
and it has to mean something.

Give viewers emotional closure.

He's absolutely right.

A lot of shows biff it when it
comes to sticking the landing.

I can't tell you
how many comments

I've written about
this very topic.

Check me out
in the discussion threads

on Reddit, IndieWire,
Variety, Deadline,

TV Guide, TV Insider, IMDb,
Hollywood Reporter, Den of Geek.

Oh, oh. I just got
the perfect ending.

Great.

- Guillermo becomes a vampire.
- Mm-hmm. Fuck me.

We did that already last year.

- Did we?
- Yes, we did.

We turned Guillermo
into a vampire,

and then Guillermo decided,

"I don't want to be
a vampire anymore."

So we had to
turn him back again.

Took fucking ages.

Really should have
finished filming

at that point, I think.
Great out.

Okay, come on.
There has to be something

we've learned
over the past six years.

You know, how we've grown,
life lesson.

What have we learned?

Don't turn Guillermo
into a fucking vampire.

Okay. Anyone else?

Uh...

A lesson we've learned.

How we've grown,
how we've changed.

Right? Anyone?

Laszlo, come on.
You're a man of science,

so surely you must
have learned something.

Oh. All right, then.

Okay.

Yeah.

And then fucked each
other senseless. How's that?

- Very nice.
- Good. It's good.

Anyone else?
The Guide.

You know what? Sure,
I think I might have

something to contribute.

- Thank you! Great.
- All right.

So, all of us in this room
are immigrants.

We have come from far-off lands

to this New World
for a fresh start.

- And even though we're vampires...
- Some of us.

...this country would not be
what it is without us.

And we would not be
who we are without this country.

- Mmm. Yeah.
- Yes.

That's beautiful.

But lately it seems like there
a lot of other immigrants

entering this great country
illegally.

- Okay.
- And we cannot...

We don't think we wanna end
on that note.

I'm just saying.

Colin, how 'bout you?
What have you learned?

MAGAFV.

- Well...
- What?

MAGAFV.

Make America great again
for vampires.

We gotta...

We need to edit that part out.
And probably burn that thing.

Oh, my big boy.

This really is so much simpler
than you are making it.

If you really need
this special ending,

hello, I'm a vampire.

I can just hypnotize everyone
who watches this,

and give them the ending
they would find most satisfying.

How would that even work?

Like this.

You who are watching this,

will now see
the most perfect ending

you could possibly imagine with
your simple little human minds.

Honey.

Honey, wake up.

- You won't believe
the dream I just had. - Mmm.

Don't you wanna hear about it?

All right, Nandor. What is it?

I was a vampire, and I lived
with a bunch of other vampires

in this old house
in Staten Island.

I'm happy for you. Good night.

Nothing. Nothing made sense
in this place.

There was this vampire couple.

He was, like, a old-timey,
British type guy.

And his wife was from
this small Mediterranean island.

And she was, like,

super aggressive
and cleverer than me

And there was this bald guy
who was,

like, really boring...

but on purpose.

And you were, like,
my butler or something.

Well, that settles it.

No more Japanese food
before you go to bed.

Good night.

And we were all having sex
with each other all the time.

Not with you, Guillermo.

Go back to sleep.

Good night, honey.

So will the hypnosis work?

Probably. Maybe.

I mean, I did use
very extra powerful hypnosis.

So anyone who watches,

its IQ will drop by ten
to 20 points

due to the brain scramblies.

But that's the price
of business,

is it not?

I, uh... I actually have
something I'd like to say

regarding what I've learned
these past few years.

We're born into families,

and-and my family wasn't...
wasn't great.

But we also have
our chosen families.

Uh, people who we choose
to surround ourselves with.

They may not be
your blood relatives

but they look out for you
and you look out for them.

Mmm.

And they accept you
for who you are

and lift you up
when you're down.

Being here tonight with you guys
makes me realize, um...

There, there.

Makes me realize how much
I dearly miss my chosen family,

who all died
in a steamboat accident in 1906,

leaving me with no choice but to
hang out with you stinky turds.

Okay, you know what?
I tried and...

No. You know what,
Guillermo? You're right.

This is an important moment

and it requires important words.
Excuse me?

I too, like Colin Robinson,
have been thinking

not just about this world
but my own life.

From my humble beginnings as
a foot soldier in Al Quolanudar

to my reign of terror
as a great warrior,

pillaging and killing
whilst riding my horse, John.

From becoming a vampire

to arriving
in this land of plenty.

I've lived a full life,

but there's always been
something missing

and it is now that I realize
what that something is:

An underground
crime fighting lair

accessible only
by an elevator coffin thingy.

Now, hear me out,
use a lever in the coffin,

- you pull it, the floor opens up...
- Okay.

- ...and the coffin...
- Okay. Okay.

I'm talking here.

Well, I feel like you've only thought about this
for the last two weeks.

Thank you for shitting
on my dream.

- I wasn't sh...
- In fact, you know,

that's a really good name
for this documentary.

Thank You For Shitting
All Over My Dream.

Okay, fine. You know what?

- I'm out.
- Wait. No, Guillermo.

Why don't you tell us
what you've learned?

Better still,
why don't you tell it in song?

Oh, yes. And you could do
a little dance as well.

- Yeah, and a jig. Do a jig.
- Dance, boy.

Dance.
Dance. Dance.

Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance.

Silence! There'll be no dancing
or jigging or singing.

Guillermo, you have the floor.
Speak from the heart.

Okay.

I believe in you.

- Thank you.
- Make it good.

- I guess...
- To the camera.

Okay.

- I guess...
- To that camera.

- I guess...
- Don't biff it.

So...

I guess I came to this house

because I wanted to be
a vampire.

And I became one.

Well, briefly.

It just wasn't for me, um...

But I stayed in the house.

And why did I stay?

Well...
...I mean, for 16 years,

I was chasing this dream,
you know?

- And when that dream was gone...
- Shit.

...I still stayed.

My darling.
What is he doing?

- I think humans like to think...
- He's fucking that bear.

- ...that we have thousands of roads...
- Can you make him stop?

we can choose from, right?

- I don't think I can.
- We only have two, really.

- He'll stop when he's finished.
- You're only always leaving home...

- If you know what I mean.
- ...or you always coming back to home.

I don't mind
that he's humping the bear...

What is home?
I'm glad you asked.

He's making eye contact
with me directly while he does it.

Home is essentially
where your friends are.

- Friends...
- Don't make eye contact...

You able to hear me?
Is the mic gonna pick it up?

- I was talking about friends...
- Guide lady, look me.

- ...who are there to build you up, you know?
- Worth a try.

They are there to support you.
They weren't just...

- I was finding it...
- They're there. They become a part of you.

They've made you who you are.
They are your everything.

- Nice.
- Thank you.

Oh, okay. I guess,
they're clapping for the Monster

and whatever they did
with the bear.

Guillermo, you won't believe
what just happened.

The Monster fucked that bear.

Some wild and whacky stuff.

- Now he's ripped his penis off.
- Oh, no.

He's handing it to The Guide,

and they say romance is dead.

If Gizmo is not gonna sing...

- Cheers.
- ...then I might.

Yeah. No.

I love the singsong.
Wanna join?

You guys go ahead.

Everyone, join in.

- Everyone except The Guide.
- Yeah.

Guillermo, I was very moved

by your final words of wisdom
to camera.

Thank you.

To be honest, Guillermo,
I was also a little sad

when they said
the documentary was ending.

But after giving it
a lot of thought,

I think it's a good thing

that the cameras
aren't filming us all the time.

Why is that?

Lots of reasons.

Such as?

You know those big lights that
they use when they film us?

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes they get too hot.

And when they do,
they give off a smell.

And when I smell that smell,

I think my hair is on fire.

So I definitely won't miss that.

And how about one...
one of the other reasons?

Actually, you know, that's it.

- Wait.
- Yes.

I think you should know
that tomorrow

when you wake up,
I won't be here.

What even are you talking
about, Guillermo?

It's time to move on.

It's been time for me to move on

for quite a while now.

And with the documentary
and everything ending,

I mean...

...what other kind of sign
do I need from the universe?

So I'm going to do that.

But what about us joining forces

and fighting crime
in a coequal partnership?

Operating out of a hidden
underground lair

accessible exclusively
by a top-secret coffin elevator.

Tell you what.

- Wherever I go, wherever I am,
- Mm-hmm.

- I'll look at the news every night.
- Hmm.

And if I ever hear of some
magnificent fearsome

half-man, half-bat
bringing evildoers to justice,

I'll know who that was.

Because it will be me.

Yeah. That's kinda what I meant.

Goodbye, Guillermo.

Goodbye, Master.

You can call me Nandor.

I know.

But you'll always be
Master to me.

Tail slate.

Ladder.

Right there.

Hi. Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry, guys. Sorry.
Just a minute. I need to...

Hold the work.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Sorry.

Guillermo, I thought
I'd never see you again.

No, I just said those things

because I wanted to give
the documentary an ending.

So we can commence with
our crime fighting partnership?

No. I really do need to do
my own thing.

But just because
we don't work together,

doesn't mean
we can't be friends.

Friends?

Yeah.

Guillermo, I've never allowed
you to do this before, but...

come and sit with me
inside my coffin.

Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

To be friends would be cool.

But you know
what would be really cool?

What?

Are you kidding me?
What? When did you do this?

- I've been working on it a while.
- Well, does it work?

There's only one way to find out.
Guillermo, let's roll.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Now before we go into
the reading of the letter...

So this is a rough cut, right?
You're open to notes?

Colin Robinson.

Please, finish a whole victim
before moving on

to a next one, okay?

I do say that a lot, don't I?

So this is going to be
on the television?

I bloody hope not.

- Well, I get the gist.
- It's not hygienic!

Think I do too.