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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:24,110 coming 2 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:27,080 [Music] 3 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:41,990 [Applause] 4 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,039 yes 5 00:00:44,039 --> 00:00:49,229 Brighton welcome thank you for coming 6 00:00:49,239 --> 00:00:56,310 hello having to do anything ruins 7 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:03,310 everything take tonight 8 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,280 it's not just me it's you as well we all 9 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:12,310 thought it ah do we have 10 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,759 to I could tell by looking at some of 11 00:01:14,759 --> 00:01:16,159 you some of you looking at your partner 12 00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:20,710 is going how much was 13 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:24,439 it soon as you have to do it anything 14 00:01:24,439 --> 00:01:26,920 doesn't matter what it is tonight you 15 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,520 know you know booked this in oh yeah 16 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,119 fair to Royal Hometown Brighton let's go 17 00:01:32,119 --> 00:01:35,119 yeah signed it up because we signed it 18 00:01:35,119 --> 00:01:38,159 up me I had to do it I woke up this 19 00:01:38,159 --> 00:01:41,119 morning I've been dreading it all 20 00:01:41,119 --> 00:01:44,360 day all day I'll be honest with you 21 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:49,910 Brighton I was hoping it would get 22 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:52,600 cancelled there's no better feeling in 23 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,320 life than something being cancelled is 24 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,960 there nothing nothing as good as that I 25 00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:02,079 have yet to take it nothing is good 26 00:02:02,079 --> 00:02:03,600 tonight I think we're all going to have 27 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:06,640 a fantastic evening it won't be as good 28 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:09,119 than if you'd found out earlier that you 29 00:02:09,119 --> 00:02:11,040 didn't have to 30 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,920 come I can't compete with that I can't 31 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,599 comp 32 00:02:15,599 --> 00:02:18,040 imagine just before you left the house 33 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:19,599 got a text sorry tonight's performance 34 00:02:19,599 --> 00:02:24,280 is cancelled [ __ ] get it yes so 35 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:32,910 trousers are 36 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,319 you know what I mean I hate leaving the 37 00:02:34,319 --> 00:02:36,879 house honestly I don't think I've ever 38 00:02:36,879 --> 00:02:40,200 not begrudgingly put on my shoes ever 39 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,560 ever I put on my shoes every day I put 40 00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,239 on my shoes go why the [ __ ] did I say 41 00:02:44,239 --> 00:02:47,319 yes to this why why did I say yes I know 42 00:02:47,319 --> 00:02:49,519 why I said yes I said yes cuz at the 43 00:02:49,519 --> 00:02:52,360 time it wasn't now that's why I said yes 44 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:53,680 because it was in the future it was 45 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,280 later but you forget don't you when you 46 00:02:55,280 --> 00:03:00,869 agree that later will be now 47 00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,400 putting on 48 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,440 youru you could get me to agree to 49 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,400 anything just because it's in the future 50 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,680 hey Sean you want to come and check my 51 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:12,480 dog's prostate when August yeah 52 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,239 God you're right 53 00:03:15,239 --> 00:03:18,040 yeah there with my latex gloves in 54 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,400 August why the [ __ ] did I say yes to 55 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,910 this why 56 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,400 [ __ ] the only time I'm happy putting 57 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,480 on my shoes is at bowling cuz it means 58 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:34,910 I'm going home 59 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:39,360 I I'm 36 now mid 30s deep into the 60 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,319 mid-30s yeah got people in tonight in 61 00:03:42,319 --> 00:03:46,159 your 20s I know what it's like in your 62 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:49,239 20s I remember everyone older than you 63 00:03:49,239 --> 00:03:51,879 telling you to enjoy it whilst you 64 00:03:51,879 --> 00:03:55,000 can that's what they do isn't it you 65 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,239 know how old are you 24 enjoy your last 66 00:03:57,239 --> 00:03:59,840 you can 67 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,000 it's like a fret isn't it [ __ ] enjoy 68 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:08,309 it enjoy it 69 00:04:08,319 --> 00:04:13,280 now but enjoy it oh enjoy it you get 70 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:15,079 into your mid-30s you begin to see the 71 00:04:15,079 --> 00:04:25,350 world differently like I can now see 72 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,720 crumbs I've never seen them 73 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,000 before I'd heard about 74 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:35,189 them I'd felt them in 75 00:04:35,199 --> 00:04:37,960 bed but i' never actually seen 76 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,720 them I walk into the kitchen now there's 77 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:44,080 [ __ ] billions of these things it's 78 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,720 like someone's been grating a baguette 79 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,039 [Music] 80 00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,080 overnight and not only do you see the 81 00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,320 crumbs you want to clean the crumbs I 82 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:57,039 become a crumb cleaner I could do that 83 00:04:57,039 --> 00:04:59,280 special mom move that I thought only my 84 00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:08,990 mom do you know the 85 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,479 one skipping to the bin and saying 86 00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:15,039 things like that's better oh God who am 87 00:05:15,039 --> 00:05:23,550 I get me some cerman 88 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:27,400 quickly going to enjoy it whilst you 89 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:31,240 can enjoy it whilst you can man and I 90 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,560 remember when you're in your 20s I 91 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:33,800 remember what you're thinking when you 92 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,360 hear it you're thinking [ __ ] off I got 93 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,400 my own 94 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:46,189 problems no you 95 00:05:46,199 --> 00:05:49,240 don't you don't have any real problems 96 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:53,000 oh in your 20s you got the future the 97 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,360 future remember your 20s [ __ ] yeah 98 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,880 smoking what am I going to do what am I 99 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:04,000 going to be do or be yeah do or be 100 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:08,029 woohoo 101 00:06:08,039 --> 00:06:09,960 yeah 102 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,400 mid-30s there is no do or be there's 103 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:21,070 just am was and could have 104 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,400 been hear that 105 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:27,629 clap his dreams are 106 00:06:27,639 --> 00:06:31,120 dead he knows 107 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:32,440 it's not 108 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:36,550 happening give 109 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,880 up I remember sat there at the pub in my 110 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:43,680 early 20s best friend opposite me p in 111 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,160 front of me we're talking about the 112 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:49,479 future you want we're goodna I'm GNA I'm 113 00:06:49,479 --> 00:06:51,919 GNA remember that I'm GNA you remember 114 00:06:51,919 --> 00:06:57,270 that I'm GNA you're going to do [ __ ] 115 00:06:57,280 --> 00:07:00,879 all nothing 116 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:04,240 I remember he told me he he told me that 117 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:08,280 he was going to win an Oscar for best 118 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:11,639 director and dedicated to me in his 119 00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:16,120 speech and I believed 120 00:07:16,130 --> 00:07:17,960 [Applause] 121 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,840 him two months ago he moved back in with 122 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:25,230 his 123 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,520 mom he's had to cancel his 124 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:31,039 Netflix not only can he not direct a 125 00:07:31,039 --> 00:07:41,909 film he can't even [ __ ] watch 126 00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,319 one what happens of course you can still 127 00:07:44,319 --> 00:07:46,400 have dreams of course you can it's just 128 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,560 the dreams the dreams have to be 129 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:49,800 slightly 130 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:53,390 smaller slightly 131 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:56,759 smaller I used to want to be a film star 132 00:07:56,759 --> 00:08:03,830 I now would like to do up the kitchen 133 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,869 smaller 134 00:08:06,879 --> 00:08:08,840 dreams I remember 135 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:13,159 clubbing Mr bright side is on surrounded 136 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,280 by these faces faces that I think are 137 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:16,919 going to be my best friends for the rest 138 00:08:16,919 --> 00:08:20,080 of my life [ __ ] 139 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:38,550 yeah oh Mr br 140 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,159 [ __ ] great wasn't 141 00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:43,000 it it's cut to you 20 years later 142 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,959 listening to Mr Brightside on the radio 143 00:08:44,959 --> 00:08:49,230 whilst you're 144 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,800 hoovering hoovering the 145 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,790 crumbs to get the 146 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:59,240 crumbs I've got Henry the Hoover you 147 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:05,710 know that coked up 148 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:07,640 nutcase it's 149 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,640 crazy I open up the cupboard door he's 150 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,160 there staring at me with his big coked 151 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,399 up eyes red wine face I let's [ __ ] 152 00:09:15,399 --> 00:09:18,870 guess on 153 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,440 it let's get on the dust come on quick 154 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,880 cheek let's have it I'm up for 155 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,360 it I'm going to do an entire sock under 156 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:30,880 the couch this have it 157 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,920 come 158 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,640 on you know what we can see is his eyes 159 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,480 in the darkness like in Snow White when 160 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:40,839 she's running through the woods you can 161 00:09:40,839 --> 00:09:43,360 just see the eyes come on let's kiss 162 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:54,670 her you get Henry out the cup come 163 00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:59,399 on get come on doesn't matter how big 164 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,240 big your houses does it you can live in 165 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,640 a mansion you can live in the tal Mahal 166 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,279 it doesn't matter we all try and Hoover 167 00:10:05,279 --> 00:10:10,910 the entire place from the same plug 168 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:18,069 socket Henry's 4 foot off the 169 00:10:18,079 --> 00:10:23,840 ground get here you red prick 170 00:10:23,850 --> 00:10:30,430 [Music] 171 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:33,040 ho Rings the easy bit that's the easy 172 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:39,090 bit you ever try and put him back [ __ ] 173 00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:40,320 [Music] 174 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,760 me I do not know what is going on on 175 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,279 that cupboard but whatever it is Henry 176 00:10:44,279 --> 00:10:46,760 does not [ __ ] like 177 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,399 it he doesn't want to go we try to put 178 00:10:50,399 --> 00:10:51,600 right that's it we've done it than you 179 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:52,880 if you can get back in the C I'm no 180 00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:53,959 [ __ ] 181 00:10:53,959 --> 00:10:57,040 going this it get in the cover come on 182 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,440 no I'm going to do the garden like going 183 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,920 to do the G and just get the [ __ ] 184 00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,200 back he's trying to shut the door he's 185 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:10,389 trying to hold it open with his 186 00:11:10,399 --> 00:11:13,320 truck [ __ ] get 187 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,360 [ __ ] soon as you think you've shut the 188 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,000 door the broom goes and as much chance 189 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,760 [ __ ] it go 190 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:30,829 [Applause] 191 00:11:30,839 --> 00:11:33,160 oh 192 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,240 God smaller 193 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,519 dreams smaller 194 00:11:37,519 --> 00:11:40,200 dreams you know what I dream of the most 195 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:44,990 now a good night 196 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,399 sleep I'm so 197 00:11:47,399 --> 00:11:50,480 tired I'm so tired all the time 198 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:53,160 constantly just tired this morning I 199 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,040 woke up tired even the sleep did me in 200 00:11:57,040 --> 00:12:01,990 just tired all the time just 201 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,600 tired tired the only time I'm not tired 202 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:08,949 is when I'm [ __ ] 203 00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:11,639 knacked all I think is oh I'm tired I'm 204 00:12:11,639 --> 00:12:14,600 so tired I'm so tired you speak to 205 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,800 people how are you I'm a bit tired a bit 206 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:20,160 tired try to have a coffee to wake up 207 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,000 don't you coffee doesn't wake me up it's 208 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,440 nonsense it's just a panic attack in a 209 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:30,150 cup 210 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,000 I drink coffee I drink loads of it I'm 211 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,519 not awake no I'm just this weird 212 00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:35,839 combination of tired and wired I'm 213 00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:38,320 [ __ ] L there's someone behind me now 214 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,399 just [ __ ] too much 215 00:12:40,399 --> 00:12:43,320 C lying in bed at 2:00 in the morning 216 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:44,600 can't get to sleep cuz I keep on 217 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,120 thinking about that thing I said when I 218 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:51,710 was 219 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:56,160 six lying now I'm sorry Kieran Perkins I 220 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,680 only said your dad had two Willies 221 00:12:57,680 --> 00:13:02,310 because I was jealous of your new pencil 222 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:13,590 guys I hope you're 223 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,000 okay it's terrifying you tell people how 224 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,320 tired you are no one gives a [ __ ] they 225 00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,880 just want to tell you how tired they are 226 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,639 start competing as to who has had the 227 00:13:22,639 --> 00:13:25,800 least sleep I only had 5 hours last 228 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,399 night 5 hours I'd shoot my own mom in 229 00:13:28,399 --> 00:13:30,519 the face to be a to say 5 230 00:13:30,519 --> 00:13:34,079 hours only at 2 hours 2 hours look at 231 00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:36,760 you I'd shave off my own skin to be able 232 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:37,959 to say the word 233 00:13:37,959 --> 00:13:41,079 hour I was in bed for 40 minutes last 234 00:13:41,079 --> 00:13:44,199 night bed bed I had to curl up in the 235 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:46,440 bread 236 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:49,639 bin managed to shut my eyes for 8 237 00:13:49,639 --> 00:13:52,440 minutes eyes both of 238 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,800 them look at what did he do I managed to 239 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,639 shot one last Thursday and that was only 240 00:13:57,639 --> 00:14:06,389 because a green fly landed in 241 00:14:06,399 --> 00:14:10,189 don't patronize 242 00:14:10,199 --> 00:14:12,639 me bless you bless your heart but if 243 00:14:12,639 --> 00:14:14,519 they're not going to go for it just let 244 00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:18,310 them not go for it 245 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:21,320 you I'm glad I'm glad you enjoyed it 246 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:25,360 that one was for 247 00:14:25,370 --> 00:14:27,480 [Applause] 248 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,920 you oh now you joined in 249 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,279 right right we'll cut the middle bit of 250 00:14:34,279 --> 00:14:35,560 that out and stick that on the end of 251 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:50,389 the bit I said well 252 00:14:50,399 --> 00:14:53,000 done all I want to do is sleep so what I 253 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,079 want to [ __ ] do honestly I get out of 254 00:14:55,079 --> 00:14:56,920 bed I get out of bed my mission of the 255 00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:58,440 day I get out of bed I go right I've got 256 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,360 to get back now as soon as I can that's 257 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,040 it wake up right how the [ __ ] do we get 258 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,040 back there what do I have to do where do 259 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,120 I have to go Brighton show yeah they got 260 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:09,000 to go back yeah fine right let's do 261 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,279 it in your 20s you don't want to sleep 262 00:15:11,279 --> 00:15:12,480 in your 20s do you I didn't want to 263 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,040 sleep I never wanted to sleep in my 20s 264 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:19,310 I wanted to get on it my 20's backing 265 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,680 get yeah it's all about how late you got 266 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,399 to sleep how late you got to sleep the 267 00:15:24,399 --> 00:15:26,000 later I got to sleep the better the 268 00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,240 night the better the night the better 269 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,079 the story 270 00:15:29,079 --> 00:15:31,160 [ __ ] brilliant man I remember 271 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:32,399 sometimes friends would go out and I'd 272 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,720 miss it i' bring them up the next day 273 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,160 how was it they'd be there was [ __ ] 274 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:40,959 mental ended up at his warehouse and the 275 00:15:40,959 --> 00:15:44,000 sun started coming up so we got a taxi 276 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,639 home but we got on with the driver so we 277 00:15:46,639 --> 00:15:50,790 went back to 278 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,120 his I've not been to 279 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,199 sleep I'm at work 280 00:15:56,199 --> 00:15:59,000 now I better go actually the passengers 281 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:05,749 are looking at me 282 00:16:05,759 --> 00:16:08,079 funny I'd be on the end of the phone 283 00:16:08,079 --> 00:16:10,440 going 284 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,120 yes texting my other mates he's not B to 285 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,870 bed he's a 286 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:20,839 work that changes doesn't 287 00:16:20,839 --> 00:16:24,240 it speak to my friends now after a night 288 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,399 hour I go how was it they go 289 00:16:26,399 --> 00:16:34,590 fantastic home by 9: in bed before 290 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,120 410 I go 291 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:42,519 oh 292 00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:45,880 oh it's like a sex call 293 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,319 oh oh what time you wake up 10 294 00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:55,230 oh that's 12 295 00:16:55,240 --> 00:17:01,629 hours what are you wearing pajamas oh 296 00:17:01,639 --> 00:17:05,079 didn't set the alarm woke up 297 00:17:05,079 --> 00:17:13,029 naturally oh 298 00:17:13,039 --> 00:17:15,640 yes the people in their 20s looking at 299 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,000 me now 300 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,760 terrified is this what's to 301 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,120 come the worst thing is the people in 302 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:24,400 their 40s are looking at me and thinking 303 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:31,150 enjoy it whilst you can 304 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:34,430 that's the 305 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:38,200 future children are living the 306 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:43,240 childhood I dreamt of I fantasized about 307 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,080 being a kid 308 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,160 imagine imagine one day been able to 309 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:52,559 just touch a device Bang song instantly 310 00:17:52,559 --> 00:17:55,640 children today will never know the 311 00:17:55,640 --> 00:18:00,280 pain of lime wire 312 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,480 a line 313 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,280 wire start downloading a song go to 314 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:08,590 school come back hope that it 315 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,240 finished that download bar [ __ ] with 316 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,600 you 2 minutes left 9 hours and 58 317 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:18,480 minutes left 30 seconds left 9 days 24 318 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:23,159 minutes left [ __ ] please 319 00:18:23,159 --> 00:18:27,400 please we've become so impatient I am so 320 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,679 impatient now it's 321 00:18:29,679 --> 00:18:31,720 unbelievable like I can't believe that 322 00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,480 people used to have to look for a taxi 323 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,039 we used to look for a taxi what were we 324 00:18:38,039 --> 00:18:40,919 doing what a way to get 325 00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:43,039 home I need to get home what are you 326 00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,280 going to do I'm going to order a taxi 327 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:52,029 where is it don't know I'm going to find 328 00:18:52,039 --> 00:18:54,320 one I think is that a light I think is 329 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,200 his light on is the light on is light I 330 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,559 think his light on all right you look 331 00:18:58,559 --> 00:19:04,710 for the window just hear that Taxi 332 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,280 Driver 333 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:11,080 [ __ ] look for a taxi find a taxi now 334 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,760 we've got Uber 335 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,960 incredible touch your phone bang Uber 336 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,679 comes to you you get in you don't even 337 00:19:19,679 --> 00:19:21,840 have to tell the driver where you're 338 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,440 going he knows and when you get there 339 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,720 you don't even have to exchange money it 340 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:32,590 feels free 341 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,720 and yet if I look down at my phone and 342 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,880 it says that it is taking any longer 343 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,200 than 4 minutes to arrive [ __ ] is this 344 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,200 the [ __ ] is this piece of 345 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:47,159 [ __ ] 6 minutes six [ __ ] it I might as 346 00:19:47,159 --> 00:19:49,799 well crawl home what the 6 347 00:19:49,799 --> 00:19:56,350 minutes what is this the Jurassic period 348 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,720 six sometimes I order an Uber the world 349 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,159 worst is when you see those free words 350 00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:03,760 completing Journey nearby what 351 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,159 the you lied to me you lied to me you 352 00:20:07,159 --> 00:20:08,400 said you're available you're not 353 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,000 available you're seeing other people 354 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,520 who's this dick in my 355 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,480 car I'm watching my car get further away 356 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:21,909 from where I am it's doing 360s over 357 00:20:21,919 --> 00:20:25,080 buildings you see that on your Uber I'd 358 00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,280 like to think the driver's actually 359 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,360 doing 360 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,559 that you 361 00:20:29,559 --> 00:20:31,570 quickly get in I know a shortcut Over 362 00:20:31,570 --> 00:20:45,149 [Music] 363 00:20:45,159 --> 00:20:46,919 Westfield sometimes you have to find 364 00:20:46,919 --> 00:20:47,760 your 365 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,520 Uber sometimes you have to find your 366 00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,760 Uber this is when you've had too much to 367 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:56,270 drink I remember being shitfaced 368 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,000 Uber says it's arrived you are so ship 369 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,960 faed you cannot find a car that has come 370 00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:06,430 to 371 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,770 you I'd be there I'd come out the 372 00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:15,549 [Music] 373 00:21:15,559 --> 00:21:20,279 PB turning to my M it he always has the 374 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:31,950 same question what's the number blade 375 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,520 own you know you [ __ ] up when they 376 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:39,789 call 377 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,400 you it's 3 in the morning I'm looking at 378 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,440 my phone thinking who do I know in 379 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:51,070 [Applause] 380 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,400 Sheffield Sheffield calling me did you 381 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,760 know anyone hello hello and then you 382 00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,200 have to play that game with your Uber 383 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:07,909 driver you know that game what can you 384 00:22:07,919 --> 00:22:11,760 see can see can you see chicken cage can 385 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,960 you see chicken c a chicken 386 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:19,880 cage it's across the road yeah it's it's 387 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,000 next to a boots can you see can you see 388 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:26,200 a boots where are you where are you HSBC 389 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,799 can you see can you mate can you see an 390 00:22:27,799 --> 00:22:30,400 HSBC 391 00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:34,310 say What's the number 392 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,080 PL where where you buy chicken double 393 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,880 Necker bus just got past double neck can 394 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:43,520 you see that can you see that finally a 395 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,240 Toyota Prius comes around the corner 396 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,310 with its creepy electric 397 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,960 engine it's always the other side of the 398 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,760 road why you notice that it's always the 399 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,240 other side of the 400 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:59,159 road walking into 401 00:22:59,159 --> 00:23:00,799 I'm 402 00:23:00,799 --> 00:23:02,880 Wy look around there's all the other 403 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,990 people looking for their 404 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,400 Uber get in the Uber go home it's 405 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,200 incredible it get out feels 406 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,799 free get in shut your door notification 407 00:23:15,799 --> 00:23:18,240 on your phone £ 408 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:24,470 55240 I thought it was 409 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,679 free I wouldn't have the patience to 410 00:23:26,679 --> 00:23:28,279 find a cab anymore I certainly wouldn't 411 00:23:28,279 --> 00:23:31,000 have patience for lime wire lime wire 412 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,200 this was a time not only did you have to 413 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,480 hope that the song you were downloading 414 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,440 would eventually finish downloading you 415 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:44,390 had to hope that that song 416 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,440 was the song You 417 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,720 intended on 418 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,320 downloading imagine that now on 419 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,600 Spotify I'm listen to limb biscuit 420 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,640 rolling yeah click short little video of 421 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:08,110 a horse pissing on a 422 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,240 man this is what we grew up 423 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,400 with now we got 424 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,559 Netflix all of those hundreds of films 425 00:24:16,559 --> 00:24:17,679 to choose 426 00:24:17,679 --> 00:24:20,720 from I don't watch them I don't watch 427 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,520 them now that we've got the choice I 428 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,840 don't watch them my girlfriend says the 429 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,679 same thing every evening should we see 430 00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:30,840 what's on Netflix is all you do on 431 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,389 Netflix is 432 00:24:34,399 --> 00:24:38,320 see what is on Netflix and then fall 433 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:41,520 asleep that's basically it every single 434 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,590 night we just sit 435 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:59,799 there n n n n n n n n n n n n n no no 436 00:24:59,799 --> 00:25:11,320 [ __ ] off no no no no no no no no no no 437 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,799 no no no oh what about that one I 438 00:25:14,799 --> 00:25:20,919 haven't seen the first one no no no no 439 00:25:20,919 --> 00:25:27,880 no no no no no no no oh go back go Back 440 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:29,120 come on 441 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,200 that one that one that that one yeah 442 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:37,350 what's that click on a 443 00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:48,520 synopsis no no no no no no no no no no 444 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,799 no oh I know what let's see what's on 445 00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:54,200 Amazon Prime right no no that is all you 446 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:59,039 do all you do it's basically 447 00:25:59,039 --> 00:26:02,080 it's basically $6.99 a month to look at 448 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,520 posters that's all it 449 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,919 is you could do that for free when I was 450 00:26:06,919 --> 00:26:09,240 a kid at virgin megga 451 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:19,510 stores that was a 452 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,559 fun The Buffy the Vampire 453 00:26:23,559 --> 00:26:26,840 Slayer buff you the Vampire Slayer 454 00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:31,549 friends so builders on some 455 00:26:31,559 --> 00:26:38,300 scaffolding a UFO with a 456 00:26:38,310 --> 00:26:42,909 [Music] 457 00:26:42,919 --> 00:26:45,960 spliff got it all now streaming just tap 458 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,000 play incredible I remember the first 459 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,279 time I downloaded a film on Lime 460 00:26:51,279 --> 00:26:54,480 wire took a 461 00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,919 week a week seven 462 00:26:56,919 --> 00:26:59,960 days I'm the never forget X-Men 463 00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:04,440 2 me and my best friend C Comes Around 464 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,840 download X-Men 2 on the family computer 465 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,760 big F you remember that one computer per 466 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,559 home big [ __ ] off 467 00:27:11,559 --> 00:27:18,029 fir 30 in in 468 00:27:18,039 --> 00:27:20,200 depth as will be in the living room we 469 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,240 had to fit it into the living room my 470 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,039 parents would be satting there watching 471 00:27:24,039 --> 00:27:29,830 Cy not be there on paint 472 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,200 paint that's what we were doing as kids 473 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,440 what the [ __ ] were we doing I was sat 474 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:36,840 there hours of hours literally hours oh 475 00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:43,269 draw a 476 00:27:43,279 --> 00:27:47,559 circle [ __ ] buzz the Endorphin hit of 477 00:27:47,559 --> 00:27:49,880 when you tapped that paint bucket and 478 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,279 filled that 479 00:27:51,279 --> 00:27:55,039 circle with a color 480 00:27:55,039 --> 00:27:58,320 [ __ ] this blue circle 481 00:27:58,320 --> 00:27:59,919 and then the panic when you went to fill 482 00:27:59,919 --> 00:28:02,320 that Circle and occasionally the entire 483 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:06,549 screen would change 484 00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:09,279 color there must be a 485 00:28:09,279 --> 00:28:11,720 gap click on the magnifying glass zoom 486 00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,669 in find the 487 00:28:14,679 --> 00:28:18,440 Gap the [ __ ] are we 488 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,399 doing after 7 Days Xmen 2 download 489 00:28:22,399 --> 00:28:23,519 complete I'm sitting there on the 490 00:28:23,519 --> 00:28:25,720 wheelie chair in the living 491 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,720 room Kaz is sat on the cushion on top of 492 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:33,070 the laundry 493 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,159 basket we clicked on it praying to God 494 00:28:36,159 --> 00:28:37,799 it's actually Xmen 495 00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:41,120 to tap 20th Century Fox comes up it's a 496 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,840 good start 20th Century Fox come on you 497 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,840 pleas please [ __ ] please seven days 498 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:51,039 please 20th Century Fox fade X-Men 2 499 00:28:51,039 --> 00:28:52,240 [ __ ] got 500 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:56,080 it this is incredible this is a train to 501 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:57,039 ask 502 00:28:57,039 --> 00:28:58,880 children feel like we're living in the 503 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,080 future we're not we're not going to have 504 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,200 to go to the cinema again we're not 505 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,080 going to have to walk to the video shop 506 00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:07,080 [ __ ] video shop there be people in 507 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:08,519 this room young enough that never been 508 00:29:08,519 --> 00:29:15,070 to a video shop let me explain 509 00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:19,480 basically it's like Netflix 510 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,279 except you can't watch the new release 511 00:29:22,279 --> 00:29:23,320 because someone else in your 512 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:33,909 neighborhood is already watching it 513 00:29:33,919 --> 00:29:36,919 20th Century Fox FES X-Men 2 this is how 514 00:29:36,919 --> 00:29:39,559 big a deal it was we 515 00:29:39,559 --> 00:29:42,000 hugged I'll never forget it we hugged 516 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,120 [ __ ] it we done it yes come on looked at 517 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:52,200 the screen Wolverine turn around 518 00:29:52,210 --> 00:30:01,320 [Applause] 519 00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:05,159 there you go I don't know I am [ __ ] 520 00:30:05,159 --> 00:30:08,840 useless at everything even the world's 521 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,679 smallest tasks smallest objectives I'm 522 00:30:12,679 --> 00:30:15,000 very lucky my girlfriend who I live with 523 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,080 Cooks right she does the cooking she 524 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,159 loves it all I have to do is get the 525 00:30:19,159 --> 00:30:23,159 ingredients that's it right just that 526 00:30:23,159 --> 00:30:26,360 sometimes she'll trick me into going 527 00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:30,950 right tells me that I'm going for one 528 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,240 item you just pop to the shop give me 529 00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:36,200 some milk said pop to the shop give me 530 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,720 some milk it's quick that isn't it milk 531 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,120 one syllable 532 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,559 milk I think yeah I can do 533 00:30:43,559 --> 00:30:45,919 that I'll go sure get your milk I'll 534 00:30:45,919 --> 00:30:47,720 bring but be 535 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:55,629 easy by the time I have put on my second 536 00:30:55,639 --> 00:30:59,440 shoe that's has gone from milk to bread 537 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:03,480 to salt to Pepper to toilet roll to 538 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:10,070 Kitchen roll to balsamic 539 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,279 vinegar bicarbonate of 540 00:31:13,279 --> 00:31:16,399 soda what the [ __ ] is 541 00:31:16,399 --> 00:31:23,029 that that's not a food that's a 542 00:31:23,039 --> 00:31:26,039 story bicarbonate of soda have you have 543 00:31:26,039 --> 00:31:27,519 you heard they're making it on Amazon 544 00:31:27,519 --> 00:31:32,149 bicarb 545 00:31:32,159 --> 00:31:34,120 it doesn't just stop when I leave the 546 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,039 house it carries on text after text 547 00:31:37,039 --> 00:31:39,679 after text pickled onions going to get 548 00:31:39,679 --> 00:31:40,720 some pickled 549 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:43,840 onions this is the one that drives 550 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:48,720 Terror from my heart right see a 551 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:54,830 text sausages right fine fine 552 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:58,080 fine then the next message comes through 553 00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:03,629 the nice 554 00:32:03,639 --> 00:32:05,919 ones I don't [ __ ] 555 00:32:05,919 --> 00:32:09,919 know I'm not [ __ ] Bucher am I [ __ ] 556 00:32:09,919 --> 00:32:12,000 nice sausages 557 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,320 [ __ ] I know there are people like me 558 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:15,919 going yeah we don't know too strong we 559 00:32:15,919 --> 00:32:17,559 don't know then you got the other people 560 00:32:17,559 --> 00:32:23,830 going Cumberland Cumberland come on 561 00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,159 Cumberland I was just coming for [ __ ] 562 00:32:26,159 --> 00:32:29,840 milk now I've got the basket full 563 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:32,840 basket looking at my phone [ __ ] food 564 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:38,029 isn't in order having to come back on 565 00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:41,080 myself going down the wrong way at the 566 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:45,679 salad aisle you know the green aisle me 567 00:32:45,679 --> 00:32:48,679 again seeing other men come past that 568 00:32:48,679 --> 00:32:51,919 have been there two aisles ago 569 00:32:51,919 --> 00:33:00,549 me oh looking at our phon looking at 570 00:33:00,559 --> 00:33:09,190 the herbs that's the big one is 571 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,039 it get to the 572 00:33:12,039 --> 00:33:14,200 sausages I swear to God I went to the 573 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,080 sausages there was another guy taking 574 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:33,509 photos 575 00:33:33,519 --> 00:33:35,480 got a basket full of stuff I just want 576 00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:38,760 to get out and Shar just want to get out 577 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:40,760 have to choose how you get out now it's 578 00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:43,120 up to you you want to use the guy behind 579 00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:44,279 the counter do you want to do it 580 00:33:44,279 --> 00:33:47,360 yourself you got to choose up to you you 581 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,399 can't use the guy behind the counter 582 00:33:49,399 --> 00:33:52,000 he's busy he's busy with a cigarette 583 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:54,840 people the alcohol people the lottery 584 00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:58,870 Nutters 585 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,200 you know those people you ever get stuck 586 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:05,519 behind them number 28 number 32 you're 587 00:34:05,519 --> 00:34:07,639 not going to [ __ ] 588 00:34:07,639 --> 00:34:16,069 win give me that ticket and [ __ ] 589 00:34:16,079 --> 00:34:18,960 off about 20 old women that have been 590 00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,320 queuing there for weeks you know too 591 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:26,710 afraid to use the machines 592 00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:29,520 here have to go and use the self-service 593 00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:31,919 checkout I [ __ ] hate the self-service 594 00:34:31,919 --> 00:34:34,599 checkout I even hate the name the name I 595 00:34:34,599 --> 00:34:36,359 try to Jazz it up the self-service 596 00:34:36,359 --> 00:34:38,159 checkout I don't care what you're called 597 00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:43,349 I'm not getting tricked into working 598 00:34:43,359 --> 00:34:46,520 here this is how it starts first it's a 599 00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:48,359 self-service checkout then it's a stack 600 00:34:48,359 --> 00:34:50,760 of yourself 601 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,919 shelves there's a spinach here's the mop 602 00:34:53,919 --> 00:34:55,359 there's the keys don't forget to lock up 603 00:34:55,359 --> 00:34:57,040 on your way out hang on I just came in 604 00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:58,560 for some bread shut the [ __ ] up and get 605 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:04,910 back to 606 00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:07,680 work looking at the machines just want 607 00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:09,920 to get out the shop nine machines nine 608 00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:13,400 machines only three of which are working 609 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,800 right the other six they're not broken 610 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:17,599 they're not out of 611 00:35:17,599 --> 00:35:20,320 order they're closed 612 00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,119 closed 613 00:35:22,119 --> 00:35:24,560 closed [ __ ] lights on the screens on 614 00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:27,200 big red circle Sun closed Sun it closed 615 00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:30,040 Sun closed [ __ ] open then you're a 616 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,400 machine surely the whole point in you is 617 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:34,480 that you don't have to [ __ ] close 618 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,310 what if you joined a 619 00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,760 union sorry I can only workit till six 620 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:42,040 otherwise the back of my throat begins 621 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:47,910 to hurt after all 622 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,280 the people are afraid that robots are 623 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:51,880 going to take over the world I don't 624 00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:53,599 think we need to worry they can't get 625 00:35:53,599 --> 00:36:00,109 for an entire shift at tesos 626 00:36:00,119 --> 00:36:01,359 finally 627 00:36:01,359 --> 00:36:04,160 machine becomes free I go up to it I got 628 00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:06,160 the stuff I don't know which 629 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,920 side I never know which side which side 630 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,880 is it this side is it that side you used 631 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,560 should be able to tell which side 632 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,640 because they had the bags right but 633 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,040 they've had to remove the bags do you 634 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,440 know why because people were stealing 635 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:22,200 the bags we couldn't be trusted with the 636 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:27,670 bags as a nation 637 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:28,960 they went we're going to put the bags 638 00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,200 here you have to scan them yourself and 639 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:38,670 we went yeah get [ __ ] see you like 640 00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:42,119 that scan it yourself [ __ ] off free bag 641 00:36:42,119 --> 00:36:46,349 with my panel ra on 642 00:36:46,359 --> 00:36:48,880 goodbye must run this by the way just 643 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,400 quickly it's not self-service either is 644 00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:58,110 it I have never gone through this alone 645 00:36:58,110 --> 00:37:00,079 [Music] 646 00:37:00,079 --> 00:37:02,800 in my life 647 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:07,520 ever take the first item please wait for 648 00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,240 assistance how loud is this woman please 649 00:37:10,240 --> 00:37:14,480 wait for assistance everyone look at the 650 00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:18,400 imbecile everyone look at the complete 651 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:22,160 [ __ ] [ __ ] stood down 652 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:25,589 God oh 653 00:37:25,599 --> 00:37:28,200 God big que of people people looking at 654 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:30,160 me I'm so 655 00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:33,240 sorry please wait for assistance please 656 00:37:33,240 --> 00:37:39,349 wait is the traffic light 657 00:37:39,359 --> 00:37:41,960 necessary do we really need a red 658 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:45,240 flashing light I can't scan the pepper 659 00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:48,790 we're not getting attacked by the 660 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,880 Klingons I'm looking at the guy behind 661 00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:57,790 the counter 662 00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:01,160 I can't even scan the next item please 663 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:03,280 looking at me like I'm a piece of 664 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,040 [ __ ] you [ __ ] idiot I'm going to buzz 665 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,800 for help now you [ __ ] idiot this 666 00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:10,240 prick FS he's going to win the lottery 667 00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:13,079 and now look at you you 668 00:38:13,079 --> 00:38:16,680 need starts buzzing for 669 00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:18,800 help you know they Buzz for help under 670 00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,800 the counter when they can't handle it 671 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,800 anymore everyone's looking around where 672 00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,480 is he where is he where is he [ __ ] 673 00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:36,270 shelf stackers pretending you can't hear 674 00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:41,920 [Music] 675 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,560 it suddenly from the back of tesos a 676 00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,680 hero comes to save the day doesn't he 677 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,839 from Beyond the 678 00:38:50,839 --> 00:38:53,240 flaps the Tesco 679 00:38:53,240 --> 00:39:02,349 tornado there 680 00:39:02,359 --> 00:39:05,840 pass the queue quicker than fill and 681 00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:14,430 [Applause] 682 00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:18,079 Holly comes in he's got that magic magic 683 00:39:18,079 --> 00:39:20,440 necklace they love that do they they 684 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:23,119 love that The Magic Necklace comes in 685 00:39:23,119 --> 00:39:35,309 doesn't even look at me just comes in 686 00:39:35,319 --> 00:39:37,960 disappears I'll take the next item but 687 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:42,390 please wait for assistance [ __ ] it 688 00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:45,280 h just want to [ __ ] 689 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:47,800 leave finally get all the stuff in the 690 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:51,079 bag F I want to pay how'd you 691 00:39:51,079 --> 00:39:53,560 pay pay is all these questions you don't 692 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,640 need how would you like to pay it's 2022 693 00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,000 God 694 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:02,400 card think about it card honestly it's 695 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,440 that would you like to pay my coin coin 696 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:06,960 coin yeah I'm [ __ ] Robin Hood and 697 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,920 I've turned up with a little bag of 698 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,240 coins I've also brought this goat which 699 00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:13,640 I'd like to exchange for these washing 700 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:17,090 up tablets me 701 00:40:17,100 --> 00:40:19,040 [Applause] 702 00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:22,040 Lord 703 00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,520 coin you saying it I just s where's the 704 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:26,680 card where's the card gift card gift 705 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:28,560 card is there would you like to pay my 706 00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:33,069 gift card gift card are you 707 00:40:33,079 --> 00:40:35,520 insane I'd love to be a fly on the wall 708 00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:42,670 of that 709 00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:45,000 birthday oh sorry I wasn't sure what to 710 00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:46,560 get you and then I remember that time 711 00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:51,950 you said you had to pop to 712 00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:55,990 tesos happy 713 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,480 birthday fu fin I get the stuff in the 714 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:00,480 bag I get out of there get as soon as I 715 00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:02,599 walk out the door as soon as I go out 716 00:41:02,599 --> 00:41:04,520 soon as I cross the line just out the 717 00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:07,240 doors you could use V come in the back 718 00:41:07,240 --> 00:41:10,200 of my heel just as I'm out I get another 719 00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:13,200 text and some onions you [ __ ] I have 720 00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:17,280 to go the whole way back through tesos 721 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,400 come around do it again get home finally 722 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:24,319 got the bags you know put them on the 723 00:41:24,319 --> 00:41:27,839 side she takes one look in the bag 724 00:41:27,839 --> 00:41:31,870 where's the milk 725 00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:35,240 [ __ ] 726 00:41:35,250 --> 00:41:42,309 [Music] 727 00:41:42,319 --> 00:41:47,240 [ __ ] it's too much it's too much she 728 00:41:47,240 --> 00:41:49,760 cooks I take her out that's the deal I 729 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:53,000 take her out go to this local restaurant 730 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:54,119 you know what it's 731 00:41:54,119 --> 00:41:57,440 like that's for water 732 00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:59,240 as well water they always have the same 733 00:41:59,240 --> 00:42:01,920 response still or 734 00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:05,190 sparkling 735 00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,680 tap [ __ ] tap yeah since when did 736 00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:11,440 sparkling get this promotion by the way 737 00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,319 as if it was equal with water when I say 738 00:42:14,319 --> 00:42:17,119 water obviously I mean still we all mean 739 00:42:17,119 --> 00:42:19,319 still when we say if I wanted SP I'd say 740 00:42:19,319 --> 00:42:21,920 sparkling would I I you go to a market 741 00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,079 Hy mate can I have an apple plane or 742 00:42:24,079 --> 00:42:27,319 toffee give me a [ __ ] Apple 743 00:42:27,319 --> 00:42:32,470 wrong with 744 00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:34,720 you I hate getting the bill at a 745 00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:36,200 restaurant I really that for me is the 746 00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,599 worst bit of the night getting the bill 747 00:42:38,599 --> 00:42:42,400 I like Nando system Nando you go in you 748 00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,760 pay then you eat then you leave that's 749 00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:46,559 great is that that's great you have the 750 00:42:46,559 --> 00:42:48,480 nice fun bit at the end nice fun bit 751 00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,640 finish off you go brilliant that's how 752 00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,240 it should be shouldn't it imagine a 753 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:54,440 magical world where you got to wipe your 754 00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,119 ass first imagine that wouldn't that be 755 00:42:56,119 --> 00:42:58,559 great imagine if you wiped your ass 756 00:42:58,559 --> 00:43:00,599 first magical world right wiped your ass 757 00:43:00,599 --> 00:43:02,240 first then had the [ __ ] and then just 758 00:43:02,240 --> 00:43:05,720 left how good how good would that be 759 00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:09,280 just there we go we're off that's how it 760 00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:12,680 should be to get the bill it just takes 761 00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,559 forever this is out of dat this system 762 00:43:14,559 --> 00:43:18,520 it's not working every single time me 763 00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:20,480 and my partner go for dinner every time 764 00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:23,319 we get the bill should get the bill get 765 00:43:23,319 --> 00:43:43,230 the bill yeah let's get the bill yeah 766 00:43:43,240 --> 00:44:05,950 you you get them if they come that way 767 00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:27,100 we were here first we were here first 768 00:44:27,110 --> 00:44:36,630 [Music] 769 00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:38,960 wa he's coming but then he's come to 770 00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,240 them I don't know well maybe if we make 771 00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:42,800 it oh hang on sorry could you just you 772 00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:44,520 [ __ ] not paying 773 00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:46,720 attention your 774 00:44:46,720 --> 00:44:49,599 side your side for [ __ ] sake hang on 775 00:44:49,599 --> 00:45:01,549 there one coming one 776 00:45:01,559 --> 00:45:03,720 TR to get the bill please yeah cheers 777 00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:06,760 thank you thank you so 778 00:45:06,770 --> 00:45:16,950 [Applause] 779 00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:19,640 much oh yeah yeah thanks a lot and then 780 00:45:19,640 --> 00:45:21,359 they [ __ ] off where are they going where 781 00:45:21,359 --> 00:45:22,880 are they going where are they they [ __ ] 782 00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:24,359 up they give you the bill they [ __ ] off 783 00:45:24,359 --> 00:45:26,720 what do you think I want to do at this 784 00:45:26,720 --> 00:45:30,200 point in the [ __ ] evening huh what 785 00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:32,440 you think I was doing just curious oh 786 00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:34,040 yeah oh really is it anyway I'm going to 787 00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:35,520 decorate now cheers manate what the 788 00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:38,319 [ __ ] weight's 789 00:45:38,319 --> 00:45:41,680 there imagine that in a shop imagine 790 00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:43,079 that b a chocolate bar put on the 791 00:45:43,079 --> 00:45:44,319 counter sorry mate how much is that 792 00:45:44,319 --> 00:45:52,829 Snickers he just goes 50p see 793 00:45:52,839 --> 00:45:55,470 you [ __ ] 794 00:45:55,470 --> 00:45:58,119 [Applause] 795 00:45:58,119 --> 00:45:59,640 sometimes we get dessert sometimes we 796 00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:02,960 get dessert at least sometimes we are 797 00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:04,720 always 798 00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:07,240 surprised when we are offered the 799 00:46:07,240 --> 00:46:08,720 dessert menu even though it's a 800 00:46:08,720 --> 00:46:11,720 perfectly normal part of the dining 801 00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:14,800 experience it happens every time we go 802 00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:16,079 we'll be sat there wait till it come 803 00:46:16,079 --> 00:46:18,079 along would you like to see the dessert 804 00:46:18,079 --> 00:46:23,750 menu 805 00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:29,150 oh the 806 00:46:29,160 --> 00:46:30,680 it's like he's let in and go would you 807 00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:41,069 like to come back to mine for an 808 00:46:41,079 --> 00:46:50,030 ory I will if you 809 00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:53,000 will get the dessert menu I don't right 810 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,200 okay I I like dessert right I like 811 00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:57,079 dessert why I've never understood I 812 00:46:57,079 --> 00:46:58,280 never understood this you look at the 813 00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:00,920 dessert menu right all this sweet stuff 814 00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:04,559 all this sweet stuff tiasu Creme Brule 815 00:47:04,559 --> 00:47:08,160 sticky tofe pudding ice cream apple 816 00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:14,790 crumble custard then out of nowhere 817 00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:17,559 cheeseboard now I love cheese don't get 818 00:47:17,559 --> 00:47:21,680 me wrong I'm captain cheese okay all 819 00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:24,480 right but I I just that can't have been 820 00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:27,000 on the dessert menu the whole time good 821 00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:29,000 has ended up somehow 822 00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:31,280 randomly once upon a time that wasn't 823 00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:32,760 there there was just this disgusting 824 00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:34,000 couple in a restaurant that just 825 00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:40,230 finished their 826 00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:42,599 main wife says um I think I'm going to 827 00:47:42,599 --> 00:47:48,430 go for the tiu darling how about 828 00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:58,750 you I want some cheese 829 00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:02,240 oh um oh well it's not on here I can see 830 00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:06,790 if they do cheese um oh which 831 00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:12,390 one all of 832 00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:16,000 them I want all the 833 00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:17,920 cheeses 834 00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:19,839 come 835 00:48:19,839 --> 00:48:22,480 ston extra mature 836 00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:24,319 Jed 837 00:48:24,319 --> 00:48:27,200 blue Bri 838 00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,030 red 839 00:48:30,040 --> 00:48:32,960 ler forget the plate just shove it on a 840 00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:38,309 plank of 841 00:48:38,319 --> 00:48:41,319 wood darling it's just it's just that 842 00:48:41,319 --> 00:48:44,319 when when most people have a dessert 843 00:48:44,319 --> 00:48:45,920 they they tend to have something sweet 844 00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:47,680 that's 845 00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:53,830 all stick some grapes on it 846 00:48:53,840 --> 00:49:03,280 [Applause] 847 00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:07,309 crazy I don't 848 00:49:07,319 --> 00:49:09,839 know my phone is 849 00:49:09,839 --> 00:49:14,520 full you know too much memory taken 850 00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:17,200 having to go through my phone deleting 851 00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:21,799 photos [ __ ] thousands of the 852 00:49:21,799 --> 00:49:24,880 pointless that one what the why have I 853 00:49:24,880 --> 00:49:27,400 got all these photos 854 00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:29,880 why you live in the Disposable age 855 00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:31,640 that's why doesn't matter does just take 856 00:49:31,640 --> 00:49:34,319 it take it take it I never look at it 857 00:49:34,319 --> 00:49:35,920 again do 858 00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:38,680 you imagine in the '90s 859 00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:42,200 imagine getting a bus into 860 00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:46,880 town to go to boots to queue to hand in 861 00:49:46,880 --> 00:49:50,440 some film to go home to wake up the next 862 00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:54,200 day to get a bus back into town to queue 863 00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:57,200 again to collect a photo of some Ed eggs 864 00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:59,250 on 865 00:49:59,250 --> 00:50:02,680 [Applause] 866 00:50:02,680 --> 00:50:04,680 toast oh look at that it's got chili 867 00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:05,850 flakes look at 868 00:50:05,850 --> 00:50:09,190 [Applause] 869 00:50:09,200 --> 00:50:12,160 that those the cherish photos we used to 870 00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:14,559 cherish them I remember I visit my nan 871 00:50:14,559 --> 00:50:16,880 in Ireland right tradition she would get 872 00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:19,599 out this big leatherbound photo album 873 00:50:19,599 --> 00:50:21,839 they [ __ ] off you don't one those big 874 00:50:21,839 --> 00:50:26,950 books every page like that 875 00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:31,319 just one still into a Time Gone by 876 00:50:31,319 --> 00:50:34,680 beautiful you cherished it it wasn't in 877 00:50:34,680 --> 00:50:37,720 the cloud you had to look after this 878 00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:40,599 remember just one picture to tell a 879 00:50:40,599 --> 00:50:42,520 whole story one remember looking at this 880 00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:44,680 black and white photo of the moment my 881 00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:47,760 nan met my granddad beautiful big 882 00:50:47,760 --> 00:50:50,079 strapping figure handlebar mustache 883 00:50:50,079 --> 00:50:54,480 smoking a pipe on top of a penny 884 00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,839 faving with my granddad looking looking 885 00:50:56,839 --> 00:51:02,990 up at 886 00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:06,240 herti there the cherish those moments 887 00:51:06,240 --> 00:51:08,440 sat there with my n going through the 888 00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:09,680 album we're not going to be able to do 889 00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:12,400 that with our grandkids are we imagine 890 00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:15,160 imagine those photos in an album look at 891 00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:18,000 that look at this kid look here 20 892 00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:33,109 identical photos of the same sunset 893 00:51:33,119 --> 00:51:35,160 I'll never forget this look at 894 00:51:35,160 --> 00:51:38,640 that that's the train times from London 895 00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:44,109 to 896 00:51:44,119 --> 00:51:46,680 Gatwick look at 897 00:51:46,680 --> 00:52:00,470 that it's the old wifi code 898 00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:13,630 ignore 899 00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:16,040 that I I didn't know that man that was 900 00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:22,870 part of a WhatsApp 901 00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:27,319 group look at that 902 00:52:27,319 --> 00:52:29,680 that's a photo of 903 00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:32,240 Gregs I was just one time I was meeting 904 00:52:32,240 --> 00:52:34,960 your nan in town and she text me to say 905 00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:42,750 where are you and that's where I 906 00:52:42,760 --> 00:52:46,640 was I'll never forget this call in my 907 00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:49,240 wife man man look at this 908 00:52:49,240 --> 00:52:52,359 look that is an ink cartridge so I 909 00:52:52,359 --> 00:52:57,670 didn't buy the wrong one 910 00:52:57,680 --> 00:52:59,319 that's a massive black bloke with a 911 00:52:59,319 --> 00:53:04,390 massive black [ __ ] out on the end of a 912 00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:08,000 [Applause] 913 00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:18,460 bed there he is again in the froth of a 914 00:53:18,470 --> 00:53:20,680 [Applause] 915 00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:22,640 cappuccino there he is again on some 916 00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:35,470 cheese on toast 917 00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:39,410 there's some cumber and 918 00:53:39,420 --> 00:53:47,839 [Applause] 919 00:53:47,839 --> 00:53:51,559 sausages he like that man that I [ __ ] 920 00:53:51,559 --> 00:53:52,880 remember that he looked that he was 921 00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:56,720 [ __ ] everywhere he was 922 00:53:56,720 --> 00:54:00,710 [Music] 923 00:54:00,720 --> 00:54:03,359 I'm trying to get more healthy trying to 924 00:54:03,359 --> 00:54:05,040 get more healthy I quit smoking thank 925 00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:07,799 you very much yeah I did it oh look at 926 00:54:07,799 --> 00:54:10,520 that I did it I never thought I could do 927 00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:12,839 it I did it I wish they were just ban it 928 00:54:12,839 --> 00:54:16,240 to be honest just ban it we know what it 929 00:54:16,240 --> 00:54:19,280 does what annoys me the most is the laws 930 00:54:19,280 --> 00:54:21,720 they bring in to pretend they give a 931 00:54:21,720 --> 00:54:24,839 [ __ ] you know on I mean like it's it's 932 00:54:24,839 --> 00:54:29,720 now illegal for shops to display 933 00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:36,030 cigarettes I still know where they 934 00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:39,079 are they're where they've always been 935 00:54:39,079 --> 00:54:40,960 they're behind 936 00:54:40,960 --> 00:54:44,880 you all you've done is put them in a 937 00:54:44,880 --> 00:54:47,680 Cupboard if this strategy worked I'd be 938 00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:50,079 walking around my kitchen going I'm sure 939 00:54:50,079 --> 00:54:57,750 I had some cups 940 00:54:57,760 --> 00:55:01,349 oh [ __ ] it I Quit 941 00:55:01,359 --> 00:55:05,000 cups these stupid laws no let's get rid 942 00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:06,720 of The Branding let's get we must get 943 00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:08,079 rid of The Branding that will help 944 00:55:08,079 --> 00:55:10,720 people quit the logos they they've 945 00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:12,640 gotten rid of the logos all the 946 00:55:12,640 --> 00:55:14,359 cigarette packets look the same now who 947 00:55:14,359 --> 00:55:17,079 is this helping to quit smoking I've 948 00:55:17,079 --> 00:55:18,119 never been with anyone you want a 949 00:55:18,119 --> 00:55:19,200 cigarette no it's all right mate I 950 00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:20,720 managed to quit fcking how how' you 951 00:55:20,720 --> 00:55:22,559 manage that you're on 20 a day yeah 952 00:55:22,559 --> 00:55:24,240 turns out I was just addicted to 953 00:55:24,240 --> 00:55:27,400 pictures of camels 954 00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:33,710 [Applause] 955 00:55:33,720 --> 00:55:35,839 oh God I tried vaping that wasn't for me 956 00:55:35,839 --> 00:55:38,200 it's not a cool look is it the Vape it's 957 00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:41,359 not a good look you know I I'm not proud 958 00:55:41,359 --> 00:55:43,039 of thinking this but smoking I still 959 00:55:43,039 --> 00:55:45,319 think it looks cool oh my God I do I 960 00:55:45,319 --> 00:55:47,760 went on holiday to Italy even if you 961 00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:49,799 don't smoke you see an Italian smoke you 962 00:55:49,799 --> 00:55:51,319 need a cigarette it's 963 00:55:51,319 --> 00:55:53,839 incredible honestly they all smoke out 964 00:55:53,839 --> 00:55:55,960 there I don't think it's bad for you out 965 00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:58,400 there I think he good for you and 966 00:55:58,400 --> 00:56:10,710 it's 967 00:56:10,720 --> 00:56:14,440 f are beautiful 968 00:56:14,440 --> 00:56:17,000 it always going on about the ocean AR 969 00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:18,119 they the 970 00:56:18,119 --> 00:56:23,470 Italians see 971 00:56:23,480 --> 00:56:25,920 see even the Smoke on the end of the 972 00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:28,480 cigarette is sexy you know that smoke I 973 00:56:28,480 --> 00:56:31,559 am the cigarette smoke don't open the 974 00:56:31,559 --> 00:56:39,510 window otherwi I leave 975 00:56:39,520 --> 00:56:42,520 you that's what you want in the old 976 00:56:42,520 --> 00:56:44,440 films characters had sex afterwards they 977 00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:45,520 had a 978 00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:48,140 cigarette Zippo out 979 00:56:48,140 --> 00:56:50,559 [Music] 980 00:56:50,559 --> 00:56:53,440 Ching that's what you want isn't it 981 00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:56,839 isn't it after some fornication you 982 00:56:56,839 --> 00:56:59,400 yeah you don't want to wake up next to a 983 00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:02,640 vapor do you do 984 00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:06,359 you huh no one wants to come then turn 985 00:57:06,359 --> 00:57:11,960 to their side to see 986 00:57:11,970 --> 00:57:29,829 [Applause] 987 00:57:29,839 --> 00:57:35,230 have you got a 988 00:57:35,240 --> 00:57:38,760 charger ridiculous 989 00:57:38,760 --> 00:57:41,760 thing trying to get fit trying to get 990 00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:44,160 healthy friend recommended a Fitbit not 991 00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:47,599 for me not the Fitbit cannot stand the 992 00:57:47,599 --> 00:57:50,079 Fitbit honestly Public Announcement okay 993 00:57:50,079 --> 00:57:52,640 this is important listen to me right any 994 00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:56,359 owners of fitbits listen clear no one 995 00:57:56,359 --> 00:58:02,309 else gives a [ __ ] how many steps you've 996 00:58:02,319 --> 00:58:06,240 done try me [ __ ] nuts just be talking 997 00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:08,559 to people and then they'll just go 998 00:58:08,559 --> 00:58:10,280 interrupt the 999 00:58:10,280 --> 00:58:16,710 chat 1000 00:58:16,720 --> 00:58:20,240 sorry I done 10,000 1001 00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:22,680 steps unless it was out of a wheelchair 1002 00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:25,730 I don't give a [ __ ] do I 1003 00:58:25,730 --> 00:58:31,440 [Applause] 1004 00:58:31,440 --> 00:58:33,119 don't let me stop you see what you can 1005 00:58:33,119 --> 00:58:36,280 get up to go on carry on when you get 1006 00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:39,200 there bore the [ __ ] out of someone else 1007 00:58:39,200 --> 00:58:48,230 preferably a coast guard go 1008 00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:51,440 onu my friend recommended a 1009 00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:56,160 PT yeah personal trainer 1010 00:58:56,160 --> 00:58:57,880 don't know if you've used one of these 1011 00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:00,640 terrifying went to the local gym there 1012 00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:02,079 he was 1013 00:59:02,079 --> 00:59:07,000 Gary ripped Hench lovely man terrifying 1014 00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:08,559 absolutely terrifying I'm going to get 1015 00:59:08,559 --> 00:59:10,000 you [ __ ] ripped son going to get you 1016 00:59:10,000 --> 00:59:12,400 [ __ ] ripped going to get you hen you 1017 00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:15,559 ready you ready you bumed let's go all 1018 00:59:15,559 --> 00:59:17,359 those rocks on it all those veins are 1019 00:59:17,359 --> 00:59:20,039 there come on you 1020 00:59:20,039 --> 00:59:26,349 st look like an a wrecked penis 1021 00:59:26,359 --> 00:59:28,039 W be carried on any longer he going to 1022 00:59:28,039 --> 00:59:34,789 come out the top of his 1023 00:59:34,799 --> 00:59:37,839 head terrifying 1024 00:59:37,839 --> 00:59:41,160 man set up this circuit this thing 1025 00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:42,559 called a 1026 00:59:42,559 --> 00:59:45,960 circuit one exercise after the other 1027 00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:48,079 right brings me over says right going to 1028 00:59:48,079 --> 00:59:50,599 get you on 20 squats 20 squat is going 1029 00:59:50,599 --> 00:59:52,440 to come down like that back straight 1030 00:59:52,440 --> 00:59:54,000 starts giving me a history lesson on the 1031 00:59:54,000 --> 00:59:56,200 squat did you know that actually right 1032 00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,119 when we were caveman we actually used to 1033 00:59:58,119 --> 01:00:00,079 pick stuff up right there but as we 1034 01:00:00,079 --> 01:00:01,920 evolved we got lazy we started bending 1035 01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:05,079 our back like I don't give a 1036 01:00:05,079 --> 01:00:07,599 [ __ ] I'd rather have back pains for the 1037 01:00:07,599 --> 01:00:10,400 rest of my life than pick something 1038 01:00:10,400 --> 01:00:13,960 up like that in public 1039 01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:17,480 okay all right thanks a lot going to be 1040 01:00:17,480 --> 01:00:19,160 walking down the High Street sorry guys 1041 01:00:19,160 --> 01:00:26,990 just dropped my phone 1042 01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,839 that's 20 squats right 20 squats you to 1043 01:00:28,839 --> 01:00:30,400 get onto the treadmill going to do hit 1044 01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:31,720 right run as fast as you can for a 1045 01:00:31,720 --> 01:00:35,680 minute stop walk for a minute then run 1046 01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:37,000 again you got that going to bring you 1047 01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:39,720 over here going to do kettle bell lunges 1048 01:00:39,720 --> 01:00:41,039 all right going to pick up these weights 1049 01:00:41,039 --> 01:00:43,960 here right down on your right leg that 1050 01:00:43,960 --> 01:00:45,839 on your left leg like that I don't know 1051 01:00:45,839 --> 01:00:47,240 why we're doing this 1052 01:00:47,240 --> 01:00:49,319 movement how heavy does he think my 1053 01:00:49,319 --> 01:00:51,640 shopping is what is this stupid 1054 01:00:51,640 --> 01:00:54,440 movements we're doing 1055 01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:56,520 H then it goes WR I'm going to bring you 1056 01:00:56,520 --> 01:00:58,000 over here going to pick up this dumbbell 1057 01:00:58,000 --> 01:00:59,119 going to lean on the bench I'm going to 1058 01:00:59,119 --> 01:01:01,240 work on your triceps good do this right 1059 01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:03,640 12 of these 12 of these what the tricep 1060 01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:05,319 look at that the that's the tricep I 1061 01:01:05,319 --> 01:01:06,960 don't need that mother the 1062 01:01:06,960 --> 01:01:10,319 [ __ ] don't worry about that mate all I 1063 01:01:10,319 --> 01:01:11,520 need to be able to do is pull open a 1064 01:01:11,520 --> 01:01:13,079 door after that you can cut that off I 1065 01:01:13,079 --> 01:01:15,400 don't need it don't give a [ __ ] about 1066 01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:22,990 the 1067 01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:24,880 tricep I was going to do that right then 1068 01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:26,079 you're going to come over into the R 1069 01:01:26,079 --> 01:01:27,160 machine you're going to sit on the Ry 1070 01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:28,880 machine right you're going to pull it 1071 01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:31,079 out until you burn 20 calories it's on 1072 01:01:31,079 --> 01:01:32,520 the heaviest weight okay going to come 1073 01:01:32,520 --> 01:01:34,160 off that last 1074 01:01:34,160 --> 01:01:38,599 excise grabs this like giant black beach 1075 01:01:38,599 --> 01:01:42,119 ball thing right it's called a medicine 1076 01:01:42,119 --> 01:01:43,960 ball right he gets on the ground there 1077 01:01:43,960 --> 01:01:45,520 are people in the gym there are people 1078 01:01:45,520 --> 01:01:47,280 in the gym looking over he gets on the 1079 01:01:47,280 --> 01:01:48,599 ground he goes I'm going to going to sit 1080 01:01:48,599 --> 01:01:50,559 up I'm going to Chuck you Chuck you this 1081 01:01:50,559 --> 01:01:52,400 ball I'm going to sit up I'm going to 1082 01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:53,359 Chuck you this ball you're going to 1083 01:01:53,359 --> 01:01:56,279 Chuck it back right 50 quit this was 50 1084 01:01:56,279 --> 01:01:59,279 Quid to play catch with a stranger like 1085 01:01:59,279 --> 01:02:01,359 what what am I doing with my 1086 01:02:01,359 --> 01:02:04,520 life okay I 1087 01:02:04,520 --> 01:02:07,000 do it 1088 01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:13,510 gets it's 1089 01:02:13,520 --> 01:02:17,000 crazy he goes what we going to do right 1090 01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:17,839 we're going to get your heart rate 1091 01:02:17,839 --> 01:02:20,440 moving bit of Boxer size bit of Boxer 1092 01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:23,839 size bit of boxer Size Feet Shadow with 1093 01:02:23,839 --> 01:02:26,839 apart right get a jab in Hook right I 1094 01:02:26,839 --> 01:02:28,440 thought I've got that that's fine I do 1095 01:02:28,440 --> 01:02:30,839 that water off a duck's 1096 01:02:30,839 --> 01:02:35,000 back so go in no one do right oh yeah 1097 01:02:35,000 --> 01:02:37,680 tasty that is tasty that's not bad that 1098 01:02:37,680 --> 01:02:40,839 is not bad he's like giving me notes you 1099 01:02:40,839 --> 01:02:42,640 guys now the problem is right is there 1100 01:02:42,640 --> 01:02:44,240 you've left your chin exposed so what's 1101 01:02:44,240 --> 01:02:45,279 going to happen is he's going to come 1102 01:02:45,279 --> 01:02:46,400 under the ear he's going to see your 1103 01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:47,680 chin he's going to knock you the [ __ ] 1104 01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:58,309 out right I went who 1105 01:02:58,319 --> 01:03:00,520 who is going to knock me the [ __ ] out 1106 01:03:00,520 --> 01:03:02,079 right no no all I'm just I'm just I'm 1107 01:03:02,079 --> 01:03:04,799 just hereit some burn some calories yeah 1108 01:03:04,799 --> 01:03:06,240 feel a bit better about my mental health 1109 01:03:06,240 --> 01:03:07,960 he's like we do it again every single 1110 01:03:07,960 --> 01:03:09,160 time no no cuz then he's going to get a 1111 01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:10,359 rib shot right he's going to get rib 1112 01:03:10,359 --> 01:03:12,760 shot no that's not going to happen I I'm 1113 01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:14,000 just come here to feel better about 1114 01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:16,559 myself you're training me to fight Tyson 1115 01:03:16,559 --> 01:03:19,079 Fury I don't need this just like I don't 1116 01:03:19,079 --> 01:03:22,200 need these [ __ ] movements in what 1117 01:03:22,200 --> 01:03:24,279 reality do I need to do these movements 1118 01:03:24,279 --> 01:03:25,839 just in case one day I wake up and 1119 01:03:25,839 --> 01:03:27,799 action film I've got Gary in my ear 1120 01:03:27,799 --> 01:03:29,039 quickly there's a bad guy to your left 1121 01:03:29,039 --> 01:03:30,920 jabed in Hook there's a bad guy to your 1122 01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:32,680 right jabed in Hook quickly there's a 1123 01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:33,880 terrorist across the road he's got a 1124 01:03:33,880 --> 01:03:35,440 missile launcher he shot one at you 1125 01:03:35,440 --> 01:03:38,670 quickly 1126 01:03:38,680 --> 01:03:41,359 duck run for your life run for your life 1127 01:03:41,359 --> 01:03:42,559 quickly run for your life they're coming 1128 01:03:42,559 --> 01:03:44,520 with knives quickly go quickly keep 1129 01:03:44,520 --> 01:03:45,799 going they're coming [ __ ] there a 1130 01:03:45,799 --> 01:03:47,490 swimming pool 1131 01:03:47,490 --> 01:03:51,670 [Music] 1132 01:03:51,680 --> 01:03:54,039 walk run again run again quickly there's 1133 01:03:54,039 --> 01:03:56,160 briefcases there at the end pick up 1134 01:03:56,160 --> 01:03:57,480 they've got the Cod to deactivate the 1135 01:03:57,480 --> 01:03:59,200 bomb keep going [ __ ] they're shooting at 1136 01:03:59,200 --> 01:04:04,029 you 1137 01:04:04,039 --> 01:04:06,720 duck put the briefcases in the boat 1138 01:04:06,720 --> 01:04:09,020 start the 1139 01:04:09,020 --> 01:04:13,589 [Music] 1140 01:04:13,599 --> 01:04:16,160 engine it's not working Gary [ __ ] it 1141 01:04:16,160 --> 01:04:27,109 you're going to have to row it yourself 1142 01:04:27,119 --> 01:04:29,720 get up quickly there's the boss he's got 1143 01:04:29,720 --> 01:04:31,119 the bomb [ __ ] shucked out at you 1144 01:04:31,119 --> 01:04:35,599 quickly Chuck it back Chuck it back Chu 1145 01:04:35,599 --> 01:04:38,920 it back Chu you back they quickly 1146 01:04:38,920 --> 01:04:41,440 hydrate quick I can't car quickly get 1147 01:04:41,440 --> 01:04:50,029 the water God get I can't quickly do it 1148 01:04:50,039 --> 01:04:54,000 now it's sparkling 1149 01:04:54,000 --> 01:05:08,710 [Applause] 1150 01:05:08,720 --> 01:05:12,880 I did five of these 1151 01:05:12,880 --> 01:05:15,200 circuits and at the end I'm lying there 1152 01:05:15,200 --> 01:05:17,440 I'm lying there I can't believe it my 1153 01:05:17,440 --> 01:05:20,960 body has never been in so much 1154 01:05:20,960 --> 01:05:24,359 pain and while sto down there he took 1155 01:05:24,359 --> 01:05:27,279 advantage of me he did he signed me up 1156 01:05:27,279 --> 01:05:30,309 to a second 1157 01:05:30,319 --> 01:05:33,200 session I can't believe this I can't do 1158 01:05:33,200 --> 01:05:34,559 you want to do a second session yeah 1159 01:05:34,559 --> 01:05:37,760 what just please just what I can't 1160 01:05:37,760 --> 01:05:39,559 believe the amount of [ __ ] I've put in 1161 01:05:39,559 --> 01:05:42,000 my body over the last 20 years and I'm 1162 01:05:42,000 --> 01:05:45,000 going to [ __ ] die in a 1163 01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:52,789 gym what this happened to 1164 01:05:52,799 --> 01:05:56,640 me a whole week dreading this session 1165 01:05:56,640 --> 01:06:00,150 I'm walking 1166 01:06:00,160 --> 01:06:02,440 around bumping into people you right 1167 01:06:02,440 --> 01:06:04,240 Sean yeah I'm 1168 01:06:04,240 --> 01:06:13,710 right just getting fit and 1169 01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:17,279 I it's good it is good it is good ladies 1170 01:06:17,279 --> 01:06:19,079 and gentlemen I never thought I'd say it 1171 01:06:19,079 --> 01:06:21,520 I never thought I'd say getting a 1172 01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:23,960 PT is a good thing a personal trainer 1173 01:06:23,960 --> 01:06:26,079 good for your mental health trust me 1174 01:06:26,079 --> 01:06:27,760 cuz I went that 1175 01:06:27,760 --> 01:06:30,119 day and on the way to the gym I got a 1176 01:06:30,119 --> 01:06:32,039 text and he said sorry mate today's 1177 01:06:32,039 --> 01:06:38,670 session's 1178 01:06:38,680 --> 01:06:41,000 cancelled what a 1179 01:06:41,000 --> 01:06:44,440 feeling I have never had an endorphin 1180 01:06:44,440 --> 01:06:50,109 hit like 1181 01:06:50,119 --> 01:06:53,480 it ladies and gentlemen I joked earlier 1182 01:06:53,480 --> 01:06:56,279 on about your dreams being dead 1183 01:06:56,279 --> 01:06:58,960 of course tonight I've managed to live 1184 01:06:58,960 --> 01:07:01,799 one thank you very much I appreciate 1185 01:07:01,799 --> 01:07:05,279 that I appreciate you coming thank you 1186 01:07:05,279 --> 01:07:07,319 very 1187 01:07:07,319 --> 01:07:10,279 much Bless you that's very nice thank 1188 01:07:10,279 --> 01:07:12,880 you 1189 01:07:12,880 --> 01:07:17,520 wow thank you thank you very much all 1190 01:07:17,520 --> 01:07:19,359 there's so many people to 1191 01:07:19,359 --> 01:07:23,279 thank all of you thank you so much sing 1192 01:07:23,279 --> 01:07:27,789 ofation I 1193 01:07:27,799 --> 01:07:30,109 thank 1194 01:07:30,119 --> 01:07:32,839 you thank you very much there's so many 1195 01:07:32,839 --> 01:07:36,000 people to thank uh to make so many 1196 01:07:36,000 --> 01:07:38,000 people to thank for making this happen 1197 01:07:38,000 --> 01:07:40,480 but tonight this is for Danny Julian so 1198 01:07:40,480 --> 01:07:43,160 thank you very much take care good night 1199 01:07:43,160 --> 01:07:45,120 thank you 1200 01:07:45,120 --> 01:07:46,180 [Music] 1201 01:07:46,180 --> 01:07:56,200 [Applause]81077

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