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coming
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[Music]
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[Applause]
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yes
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Brighton welcome thank you for coming
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hello having to do anything ruins
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everything take tonight
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it's not just me it's you as well we all
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thought it ah do we have
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to I could tell by looking at some of
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you some of you looking at your partner
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is going how much was
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it soon as you have to do it anything
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doesn't matter what it is tonight you
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know you know booked this in oh yeah
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fair to Royal Hometown Brighton let's go
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yeah signed it up because we signed it
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up me I had to do it I woke up this
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morning I've been dreading it all
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day all day I'll be honest with you
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Brighton I was hoping it would get
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cancelled there's no better feeling in
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life than something being cancelled is
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there nothing nothing as good as that I
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have yet to take it nothing is good
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tonight I think we're all going to have
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a fantastic evening it won't be as good
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than if you'd found out earlier that you
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didn't have to
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come I can't compete with that I can't
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comp
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imagine just before you left the house
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got a text sorry tonight's performance
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is cancelled [ __ ] get it yes so
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trousers are
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you know what I mean I hate leaving the
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house honestly I don't think I've ever
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not begrudgingly put on my shoes ever
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ever I put on my shoes every day I put
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on my shoes go why the [ __ ] did I say
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yes to this why why did I say yes I know
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why I said yes I said yes cuz at the
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time it wasn't now that's why I said yes
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because it was in the future it was
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later but you forget don't you when you
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agree that later will be now
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putting on
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youru you could get me to agree to
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anything just because it's in the future
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hey Sean you want to come and check my
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dog's prostate when August yeah
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God you're right
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yeah there with my latex gloves in
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August why the [ __ ] did I say yes to
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this why
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[ __ ] the only time I'm happy putting
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on my shoes is at bowling cuz it means
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I'm going home
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I I'm 36 now mid 30s deep into the
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mid-30s yeah got people in tonight in
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your 20s I know what it's like in your
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20s I remember everyone older than you
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telling you to enjoy it whilst you
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can that's what they do isn't it you
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know how old are you 24 enjoy your last
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you can
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it's like a fret isn't it [ __ ] enjoy
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it enjoy it
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now but enjoy it oh enjoy it you get
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into your mid-30s you begin to see the
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world differently like I can now see
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crumbs I've never seen them
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before I'd heard about
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them I'd felt them in
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bed but i' never actually seen
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them I walk into the kitchen now there's
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[ __ ] billions of these things it's
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like someone's been grating a baguette
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[Music]
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overnight and not only do you see the
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crumbs you want to clean the crumbs I
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become a crumb cleaner I could do that
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special mom move that I thought only my
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mom do you know the
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one skipping to the bin and saying
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things like that's better oh God who am
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I get me some cerman
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quickly going to enjoy it whilst you
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can enjoy it whilst you can man and I
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remember when you're in your 20s I
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remember what you're thinking when you
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hear it you're thinking [ __ ] off I got
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my own
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problems no you
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don't you don't have any real problems
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oh in your 20s you got the future the
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future remember your 20s [ __ ] yeah
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smoking what am I going to do what am I
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going to be do or be yeah do or be
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woohoo
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yeah
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mid-30s there is no do or be there's
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just am was and could have
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been hear that
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clap his dreams are
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dead he knows
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it's not
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happening give
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up I remember sat there at the pub in my
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early 20s best friend opposite me p in
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front of me we're talking about the
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future you want we're goodna I'm GNA I'm
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GNA remember that I'm GNA you remember
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that I'm GNA you're going to do [ __ ]
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all nothing
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I remember he told me he he told me that
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he was going to win an Oscar for best
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director and dedicated to me in his
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speech and I believed
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[Applause]
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him two months ago he moved back in with
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his
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mom he's had to cancel his
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Netflix not only can he not direct a
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film he can't even [ __ ] watch
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one what happens of course you can still
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have dreams of course you can it's just
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the dreams the dreams have to be
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slightly
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smaller slightly
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smaller I used to want to be a film star
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I now would like to do up the kitchen
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smaller
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dreams I remember
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clubbing Mr bright side is on surrounded
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by these faces faces that I think are
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going to be my best friends for the rest
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of my life [ __ ]
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yeah oh Mr br
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[ __ ] great wasn't
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it it's cut to you 20 years later
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listening to Mr Brightside on the radio
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whilst you're
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hoovering hoovering the
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crumbs to get the
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crumbs I've got Henry the Hoover you
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know that coked up
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nutcase it's
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crazy I open up the cupboard door he's
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there staring at me with his big coked
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up eyes red wine face I let's [ __ ]
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guess on
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it let's get on the dust come on quick
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cheek let's have it I'm up for
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it I'm going to do an entire sock under
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the couch this have it
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come
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on you know what we can see is his eyes
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in the darkness like in Snow White when
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she's running through the woods you can
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just see the eyes come on let's kiss
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her you get Henry out the cup come
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on get come on doesn't matter how big
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big your houses does it you can live in
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a mansion you can live in the tal Mahal
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it doesn't matter we all try and Hoover
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the entire place from the same plug
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socket Henry's 4 foot off the
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ground get here you red prick
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[Music]
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ho Rings the easy bit that's the easy
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bit you ever try and put him back [ __ ]
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[Music]
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me I do not know what is going on on
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that cupboard but whatever it is Henry
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does not [ __ ] like
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it he doesn't want to go we try to put
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right that's it we've done it than you
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if you can get back in the C I'm no
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[ __ ]
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going this it get in the cover come on
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no I'm going to do the garden like going
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to do the G and just get the [ __ ]
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back he's trying to shut the door he's
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trying to hold it open with his
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truck [ __ ] get
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[ __ ] soon as you think you've shut the
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door the broom goes and as much chance
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[ __ ] it go
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[Applause]
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oh
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God smaller
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dreams smaller
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dreams you know what I dream of the most
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now a good night
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sleep I'm so
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tired I'm so tired all the time
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constantly just tired this morning I
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woke up tired even the sleep did me in
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just tired all the time just
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tired tired the only time I'm not tired
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is when I'm [ __ ]
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knacked all I think is oh I'm tired I'm
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so tired I'm so tired you speak to
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people how are you I'm a bit tired a bit
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tired try to have a coffee to wake up
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don't you coffee doesn't wake me up it's
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nonsense it's just a panic attack in a
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cup
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I drink coffee I drink loads of it I'm
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not awake no I'm just this weird
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combination of tired and wired I'm
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[ __ ] L there's someone behind me now
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just [ __ ] too much
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C lying in bed at 2:00 in the morning
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can't get to sleep cuz I keep on
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thinking about that thing I said when I
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was
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six lying now I'm sorry Kieran Perkins I
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only said your dad had two Willies
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because I was jealous of your new pencil
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guys I hope you're
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okay it's terrifying you tell people how
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tired you are no one gives a [ __ ] they
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just want to tell you how tired they are
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start competing as to who has had the
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least sleep I only had 5 hours last
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night 5 hours I'd shoot my own mom in
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the face to be a to say 5
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hours only at 2 hours 2 hours look at
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you I'd shave off my own skin to be able
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to say the word
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hour I was in bed for 40 minutes last
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night bed bed I had to curl up in the
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bread
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bin managed to shut my eyes for 8
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minutes eyes both of
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them look at what did he do I managed to
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shot one last Thursday and that was only
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because a green fly landed in
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don't patronize
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me bless you bless your heart but if
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they're not going to go for it just let
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them not go for it
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you I'm glad I'm glad you enjoyed it
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that one was for
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[Applause]
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you oh now you joined in
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right right we'll cut the middle bit of
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that out and stick that on the end of
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the bit I said well
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done all I want to do is sleep so what I
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want to [ __ ] do honestly I get out of
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bed I get out of bed my mission of the
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day I get out of bed I go right I've got
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to get back now as soon as I can that's
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it wake up right how the [ __ ] do we get
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back there what do I have to do where do
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I have to go Brighton show yeah they got
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to go back yeah fine right let's do
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it in your 20s you don't want to sleep
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in your 20s do you I didn't want to
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sleep I never wanted to sleep in my 20s
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I wanted to get on it my 20's backing
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get yeah it's all about how late you got
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to sleep how late you got to sleep the
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later I got to sleep the better the
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night the better the night the better
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the story
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[ __ ] brilliant man I remember
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sometimes friends would go out and I'd
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miss it i' bring them up the next day
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how was it they'd be there was [ __ ]
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mental ended up at his warehouse and the
275
00:15:40,959 --> 00:15:44,000
sun started coming up so we got a taxi
276
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,639
home but we got on with the driver so we
277
00:15:46,639 --> 00:15:50,790
went back to
278
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,120
his I've not been to
279
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,199
sleep I'm at work
280
00:15:56,199 --> 00:15:59,000
now I better go actually the passengers
281
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:05,749
are looking at me
282
00:16:05,759 --> 00:16:08,079
funny I'd be on the end of the phone
283
00:16:08,079 --> 00:16:10,440
going
284
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:13,120
yes texting my other mates he's not B to
285
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,870
bed he's a
286
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:20,839
work that changes doesn't
287
00:16:20,839 --> 00:16:24,240
it speak to my friends now after a night
288
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,399
hour I go how was it they go
289
00:16:26,399 --> 00:16:34,590
fantastic home by 9: in bed before
290
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,120
410 I go
291
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:42,519
oh
292
00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:45,880
oh it's like a sex call
293
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:50,319
oh oh what time you wake up 10
294
00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:55,230
oh that's 12
295
00:16:55,240 --> 00:17:01,629
hours what are you wearing pajamas oh
296
00:17:01,639 --> 00:17:05,079
didn't set the alarm woke up
297
00:17:05,079 --> 00:17:13,029
naturally oh
298
00:17:13,039 --> 00:17:15,640
yes the people in their 20s looking at
299
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,000
me now
300
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,760
terrified is this what's to
301
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,120
come the worst thing is the people in
302
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:24,400
their 40s are looking at me and thinking
303
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:31,150
enjoy it whilst you can
304
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:34,430
that's the
305
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:38,200
future children are living the
306
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:43,240
childhood I dreamt of I fantasized about
307
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,080
being a kid
308
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,160
imagine imagine one day been able to
309
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:52,559
just touch a device Bang song instantly
310
00:17:52,559 --> 00:17:55,640
children today will never know the
311
00:17:55,640 --> 00:18:00,280
pain of lime wire
312
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,480
a line
313
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,280
wire start downloading a song go to
314
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:08,590
school come back hope that it
315
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,240
finished that download bar [ __ ] with
316
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,600
you 2 minutes left 9 hours and 58
317
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:18,480
minutes left 30 seconds left 9 days 24
318
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:23,159
minutes left [ __ ] please
319
00:18:23,159 --> 00:18:27,400
please we've become so impatient I am so
320
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,679
impatient now it's
321
00:18:29,679 --> 00:18:31,720
unbelievable like I can't believe that
322
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:35,480
people used to have to look for a taxi
323
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,039
we used to look for a taxi what were we
324
00:18:38,039 --> 00:18:40,919
doing what a way to get
325
00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:43,039
home I need to get home what are you
326
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:44,280
going to do I'm going to order a taxi
327
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:52,029
where is it don't know I'm going to find
328
00:18:52,039 --> 00:18:54,320
one I think is that a light I think is
329
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,200
his light on is the light on is light I
330
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,559
think his light on all right you look
331
00:18:58,559 --> 00:19:04,710
for the window just hear that Taxi
332
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:06,280
Driver
333
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:11,080
[ __ ] look for a taxi find a taxi now
334
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,760
we've got Uber
335
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,960
incredible touch your phone bang Uber
336
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:19,679
comes to you you get in you don't even
337
00:19:19,679 --> 00:19:21,840
have to tell the driver where you're
338
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,440
going he knows and when you get there
339
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,720
you don't even have to exchange money it
340
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:32,590
feels free
341
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,720
and yet if I look down at my phone and
342
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,880
it says that it is taking any longer
343
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,200
than 4 minutes to arrive [ __ ] is this
344
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,200
the [ __ ] is this piece of
345
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:47,159
[ __ ] 6 minutes six [ __ ] it I might as
346
00:19:47,159 --> 00:19:49,799
well crawl home what the 6
347
00:19:49,799 --> 00:19:56,350
minutes what is this the Jurassic period
348
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,720
six sometimes I order an Uber the world
349
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,159
worst is when you see those free words
350
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:03,760
completing Journey nearby what
351
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,159
the you lied to me you lied to me you
352
00:20:07,159 --> 00:20:08,400
said you're available you're not
353
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,000
available you're seeing other people
354
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,520
who's this dick in my
355
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,480
car I'm watching my car get further away
356
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:21,909
from where I am it's doing 360s over
357
00:20:21,919 --> 00:20:25,080
buildings you see that on your Uber I'd
358
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:26,280
like to think the driver's actually
359
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,360
doing
360
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,559
that you
361
00:20:29,559 --> 00:20:31,570
quickly get in I know a shortcut Over
362
00:20:31,570 --> 00:20:45,149
[Music]
363
00:20:45,159 --> 00:20:46,919
Westfield sometimes you have to find
364
00:20:46,919 --> 00:20:47,760
your
365
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,520
Uber sometimes you have to find your
366
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:51,760
Uber this is when you've had too much to
367
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:56,270
drink I remember being shitfaced
368
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,000
Uber says it's arrived you are so ship
369
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,960
faed you cannot find a car that has come
370
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:06,430
to
371
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,770
you I'd be there I'd come out the
372
00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:15,549
[Music]
373
00:21:15,559 --> 00:21:20,279
PB turning to my M it he always has the
374
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:31,950
same question what's the number blade
375
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,520
own you know you [ __ ] up when they
376
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:39,789
call
377
00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:42,400
you it's 3 in the morning I'm looking at
378
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,440
my phone thinking who do I know in
379
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:51,070
[Applause]
380
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,400
Sheffield Sheffield calling me did you
381
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,760
know anyone hello hello and then you
382
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,200
have to play that game with your Uber
383
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:07,909
driver you know that game what can you
384
00:22:07,919 --> 00:22:11,760
see can see can you see chicken cage can
385
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,960
you see chicken c a chicken
386
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:19,880
cage it's across the road yeah it's it's
387
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,000
next to a boots can you see can you see
388
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:26,200
a boots where are you where are you HSBC
389
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,799
can you see can you mate can you see an
390
00:22:27,799 --> 00:22:30,400
HSBC
391
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:34,310
say What's the number
392
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,080
PL where where you buy chicken double
393
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,880
Necker bus just got past double neck can
394
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:43,520
you see that can you see that finally a
395
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,240
Toyota Prius comes around the corner
396
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,310
with its creepy electric
397
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,960
engine it's always the other side of the
398
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,760
road why you notice that it's always the
399
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,240
other side of the
400
00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:59,159
road walking into
401
00:22:59,159 --> 00:23:00,799
I'm
402
00:23:00,799 --> 00:23:02,880
Wy look around there's all the other
403
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,990
people looking for their
404
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,400
Uber get in the Uber go home it's
405
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,200
incredible it get out feels
406
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,799
free get in shut your door notification
407
00:23:15,799 --> 00:23:18,240
on your phone £
408
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:24,470
55240 I thought it was
409
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,679
free I wouldn't have the patience to
410
00:23:26,679 --> 00:23:28,279
find a cab anymore I certainly wouldn't
411
00:23:28,279 --> 00:23:31,000
have patience for lime wire lime wire
412
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,200
this was a time not only did you have to
413
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,480
hope that the song you were downloading
414
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:39,440
would eventually finish downloading you
415
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:44,390
had to hope that that song
416
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,440
was the song You
417
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,720
intended on
418
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,320
downloading imagine that now on
419
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,600
Spotify I'm listen to limb biscuit
420
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,640
rolling yeah click short little video of
421
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:08,110
a horse pissing on a
422
00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:11,240
man this is what we grew up
423
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,400
with now we got
424
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,559
Netflix all of those hundreds of films
425
00:24:16,559 --> 00:24:17,679
to choose
426
00:24:17,679 --> 00:24:20,720
from I don't watch them I don't watch
427
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,520
them now that we've got the choice I
428
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,840
don't watch them my girlfriend says the
429
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,679
same thing every evening should we see
430
00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:30,840
what's on Netflix is all you do on
431
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,389
Netflix is
432
00:24:34,399 --> 00:24:38,320
see what is on Netflix and then fall
433
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:41,520
asleep that's basically it every single
434
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,590
night we just sit
435
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:59,799
there n n n n n n n n n n n n n no no
436
00:24:59,799 --> 00:25:11,320
[ __ ] off no no no no no no no no no no
437
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,799
no no no oh what about that one I
438
00:25:14,799 --> 00:25:20,919
haven't seen the first one no no no no
439
00:25:20,919 --> 00:25:27,880
no no no no no no no oh go back go Back
440
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:29,120
come on
441
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,200
that one that one that that one yeah
442
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:37,350
what's that click on a
443
00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:48,520
synopsis no no no no no no no no no no
444
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,799
no oh I know what let's see what's on
445
00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:54,200
Amazon Prime right no no that is all you
446
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:59,039
do all you do it's basically
447
00:25:59,039 --> 00:26:02,080
it's basically $6.99 a month to look at
448
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:04,520
posters that's all it
449
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,919
is you could do that for free when I was
450
00:26:06,919 --> 00:26:09,240
a kid at virgin megga
451
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:19,510
stores that was a
452
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:23,559
fun The Buffy the Vampire
453
00:26:23,559 --> 00:26:26,840
Slayer buff you the Vampire Slayer
454
00:26:26,840 --> 00:26:31,549
friends so builders on some
455
00:26:31,559 --> 00:26:38,300
scaffolding a UFO with a
456
00:26:38,310 --> 00:26:42,909
[Music]
457
00:26:42,919 --> 00:26:45,960
spliff got it all now streaming just tap
458
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,000
play incredible I remember the first
459
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,279
time I downloaded a film on Lime
460
00:26:51,279 --> 00:26:54,480
wire took a
461
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,919
week a week seven
462
00:26:56,919 --> 00:26:59,960
days I'm the never forget X-Men
463
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:04,440
2 me and my best friend C Comes Around
464
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,840
download X-Men 2 on the family computer
465
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,760
big F you remember that one computer per
466
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,559
home big [ __ ] off
467
00:27:11,559 --> 00:27:18,029
fir 30 in in
468
00:27:18,039 --> 00:27:20,200
depth as will be in the living room we
469
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,240
had to fit it into the living room my
470
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,039
parents would be satting there watching
471
00:27:24,039 --> 00:27:29,830
Cy not be there on paint
472
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,200
paint that's what we were doing as kids
473
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:34,440
what the [ __ ] were we doing I was sat
474
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:36,840
there hours of hours literally hours oh
475
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:43,269
draw a
476
00:27:43,279 --> 00:27:47,559
circle [ __ ] buzz the Endorphin hit of
477
00:27:47,559 --> 00:27:49,880
when you tapped that paint bucket and
478
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,279
filled that
479
00:27:51,279 --> 00:27:55,039
circle with a color
480
00:27:55,039 --> 00:27:58,320
[ __ ] this blue circle
481
00:27:58,320 --> 00:27:59,919
and then the panic when you went to fill
482
00:27:59,919 --> 00:28:02,320
that Circle and occasionally the entire
483
00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:06,549
screen would change
484
00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:09,279
color there must be a
485
00:28:09,279 --> 00:28:11,720
gap click on the magnifying glass zoom
486
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,669
in find the
487
00:28:14,679 --> 00:28:18,440
Gap the [ __ ] are we
488
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:22,399
doing after 7 Days Xmen 2 download
489
00:28:22,399 --> 00:28:23,519
complete I'm sitting there on the
490
00:28:23,519 --> 00:28:25,720
wheelie chair in the living
491
00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,720
room Kaz is sat on the cushion on top of
492
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:33,070
the laundry
493
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,159
basket we clicked on it praying to God
494
00:28:36,159 --> 00:28:37,799
it's actually Xmen
495
00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:41,120
to tap 20th Century Fox comes up it's a
496
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:43,840
good start 20th Century Fox come on you
497
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,840
pleas please [ __ ] please seven days
498
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:51,039
please 20th Century Fox fade X-Men 2
499
00:28:51,039 --> 00:28:52,240
[ __ ] got
500
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:56,080
it this is incredible this is a train to
501
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:57,039
ask
502
00:28:57,039 --> 00:28:58,880
children feel like we're living in the
503
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,080
future we're not we're not going to have
504
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,200
to go to the cinema again we're not
505
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,080
going to have to walk to the video shop
506
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:07,080
[ __ ] video shop there be people in
507
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:08,519
this room young enough that never been
508
00:29:08,519 --> 00:29:15,070
to a video shop let me explain
509
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:19,480
basically it's like Netflix
510
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,279
except you can't watch the new release
511
00:29:22,279 --> 00:29:23,320
because someone else in your
512
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:33,909
neighborhood is already watching it
513
00:29:33,919 --> 00:29:36,919
20th Century Fox FES X-Men 2 this is how
514
00:29:36,919 --> 00:29:39,559
big a deal it was we
515
00:29:39,559 --> 00:29:42,000
hugged I'll never forget it we hugged
516
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,120
[ __ ] it we done it yes come on looked at
517
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:52,200
the screen Wolverine turn around
518
00:29:52,210 --> 00:30:01,320
[Applause]
519
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:05,159
there you go I don't know I am [ __ ]
520
00:30:05,159 --> 00:30:08,840
useless at everything even the world's
521
00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,679
smallest tasks smallest objectives I'm
522
00:30:12,679 --> 00:30:15,000
very lucky my girlfriend who I live with
523
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,080
Cooks right she does the cooking she
524
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,159
loves it all I have to do is get the
525
00:30:19,159 --> 00:30:23,159
ingredients that's it right just that
526
00:30:23,159 --> 00:30:26,360
sometimes she'll trick me into going
527
00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:30,950
right tells me that I'm going for one
528
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,240
item you just pop to the shop give me
529
00:30:33,240 --> 00:30:36,200
some milk said pop to the shop give me
530
00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:38,720
some milk it's quick that isn't it milk
531
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:41,120
one syllable
532
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,559
milk I think yeah I can do
533
00:30:43,559 --> 00:30:45,919
that I'll go sure get your milk I'll
534
00:30:45,919 --> 00:30:47,720
bring but be
535
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:55,629
easy by the time I have put on my second
536
00:30:55,639 --> 00:30:59,440
shoe that's has gone from milk to bread
537
00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:03,480
to salt to Pepper to toilet roll to
538
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:10,070
Kitchen roll to balsamic
539
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,279
vinegar bicarbonate of
540
00:31:13,279 --> 00:31:16,399
soda what the [ __ ] is
541
00:31:16,399 --> 00:31:23,029
that that's not a food that's a
542
00:31:23,039 --> 00:31:26,039
story bicarbonate of soda have you have
543
00:31:26,039 --> 00:31:27,519
you heard they're making it on Amazon
544
00:31:27,519 --> 00:31:32,149
bicarb
545
00:31:32,159 --> 00:31:34,120
it doesn't just stop when I leave the
546
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,039
house it carries on text after text
547
00:31:37,039 --> 00:31:39,679
after text pickled onions going to get
548
00:31:39,679 --> 00:31:40,720
some pickled
549
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:43,840
onions this is the one that drives
550
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:48,720
Terror from my heart right see a
551
00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:54,830
text sausages right fine fine
552
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:58,080
fine then the next message comes through
553
00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:03,629
the nice
554
00:32:03,639 --> 00:32:05,919
ones I don't [ __ ]
555
00:32:05,919 --> 00:32:09,919
know I'm not [ __ ] Bucher am I [ __ ]
556
00:32:09,919 --> 00:32:12,000
nice sausages
557
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,320
[ __ ] I know there are people like me
558
00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:15,919
going yeah we don't know too strong we
559
00:32:15,919 --> 00:32:17,559
don't know then you got the other people
560
00:32:17,559 --> 00:32:23,830
going Cumberland Cumberland come on
561
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:26,159
Cumberland I was just coming for [ __ ]
562
00:32:26,159 --> 00:32:29,840
milk now I've got the basket full
563
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:32,840
basket looking at my phone [ __ ] food
564
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:38,029
isn't in order having to come back on
565
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:41,080
myself going down the wrong way at the
566
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:45,679
salad aisle you know the green aisle me
567
00:32:45,679 --> 00:32:48,679
again seeing other men come past that
568
00:32:48,679 --> 00:32:51,919
have been there two aisles ago
569
00:32:51,919 --> 00:33:00,549
me oh looking at our phon looking at
570
00:33:00,559 --> 00:33:09,190
the herbs that's the big one is
571
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,039
it get to the
572
00:33:12,039 --> 00:33:14,200
sausages I swear to God I went to the
573
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:16,080
sausages there was another guy taking
574
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:33,509
photos
575
00:33:33,519 --> 00:33:35,480
got a basket full of stuff I just want
576
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:38,760
to get out and Shar just want to get out
577
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:40,760
have to choose how you get out now it's
578
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:43,120
up to you you want to use the guy behind
579
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:44,279
the counter do you want to do it
580
00:33:44,279 --> 00:33:47,360
yourself you got to choose up to you you
581
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,399
can't use the guy behind the counter
582
00:33:49,399 --> 00:33:52,000
he's busy he's busy with a cigarette
583
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:54,840
people the alcohol people the lottery
584
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:58,870
Nutters
585
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,200
you know those people you ever get stuck
586
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:05,519
behind them number 28 number 32 you're
587
00:34:05,519 --> 00:34:07,639
not going to [ __ ]
588
00:34:07,639 --> 00:34:16,069
win give me that ticket and [ __ ]
589
00:34:16,079 --> 00:34:18,960
off about 20 old women that have been
590
00:34:18,960 --> 00:34:21,320
queuing there for weeks you know too
591
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:26,710
afraid to use the machines
592
00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:29,520
here have to go and use the self-service
593
00:34:29,520 --> 00:34:31,919
checkout I [ __ ] hate the self-service
594
00:34:31,919 --> 00:34:34,599
checkout I even hate the name the name I
595
00:34:34,599 --> 00:34:36,359
try to Jazz it up the self-service
596
00:34:36,359 --> 00:34:38,159
checkout I don't care what you're called
597
00:34:38,159 --> 00:34:43,349
I'm not getting tricked into working
598
00:34:43,359 --> 00:34:46,520
here this is how it starts first it's a
599
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:48,359
self-service checkout then it's a stack
600
00:34:48,359 --> 00:34:50,760
of yourself
601
00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,919
shelves there's a spinach here's the mop
602
00:34:53,919 --> 00:34:55,359
there's the keys don't forget to lock up
603
00:34:55,359 --> 00:34:57,040
on your way out hang on I just came in
604
00:34:57,040 --> 00:34:58,560
for some bread shut the [ __ ] up and get
605
00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:04,910
back to
606
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:07,680
work looking at the machines just want
607
00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:09,920
to get out the shop nine machines nine
608
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:13,400
machines only three of which are working
609
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,800
right the other six they're not broken
610
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:17,599
they're not out of
611
00:35:17,599 --> 00:35:20,320
order they're closed
612
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,119
closed
613
00:35:22,119 --> 00:35:24,560
closed [ __ ] lights on the screens on
614
00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:27,200
big red circle Sun closed Sun it closed
615
00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:30,040
Sun closed [ __ ] open then you're a
616
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:32,400
machine surely the whole point in you is
617
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:34,480
that you don't have to [ __ ] close
618
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:38,310
what if you joined a
619
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:40,760
union sorry I can only workit till six
620
00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:42,040
otherwise the back of my throat begins
621
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:47,910
to hurt after all
622
00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,280
the people are afraid that robots are
623
00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:51,880
going to take over the world I don't
624
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:53,599
think we need to worry they can't get
625
00:35:53,599 --> 00:36:00,109
for an entire shift at tesos
626
00:36:00,119 --> 00:36:01,359
finally
627
00:36:01,359 --> 00:36:04,160
machine becomes free I go up to it I got
628
00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:06,160
the stuff I don't know which
629
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:08,920
side I never know which side which side
630
00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,880
is it this side is it that side you used
631
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,560
should be able to tell which side
632
00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:14,640
because they had the bags right but
633
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,040
they've had to remove the bags do you
634
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:18,440
know why because people were stealing
635
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:22,200
the bags we couldn't be trusted with the
636
00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:27,670
bags as a nation
637
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:28,960
they went we're going to put the bags
638
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:31,200
here you have to scan them yourself and
639
00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:38,670
we went yeah get [ __ ] see you like
640
00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:42,119
that scan it yourself [ __ ] off free bag
641
00:36:42,119 --> 00:36:46,349
with my panel ra on
642
00:36:46,359 --> 00:36:48,880
goodbye must run this by the way just
643
00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:51,400
quickly it's not self-service either is
644
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:58,110
it I have never gone through this alone
645
00:36:58,110 --> 00:37:00,079
[Music]
646
00:37:00,079 --> 00:37:02,800
in my life
647
00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:07,520
ever take the first item please wait for
648
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:10,240
assistance how loud is this woman please
649
00:37:10,240 --> 00:37:14,480
wait for assistance everyone look at the
650
00:37:14,480 --> 00:37:18,400
imbecile everyone look at the complete
651
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:22,160
[ __ ] [ __ ] stood down
652
00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:25,589
God oh
653
00:37:25,599 --> 00:37:28,200
God big que of people people looking at
654
00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:30,160
me I'm so
655
00:37:30,160 --> 00:37:33,240
sorry please wait for assistance please
656
00:37:33,240 --> 00:37:39,349
wait is the traffic light
657
00:37:39,359 --> 00:37:41,960
necessary do we really need a red
658
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:45,240
flashing light I can't scan the pepper
659
00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:48,790
we're not getting attacked by the
660
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,880
Klingons I'm looking at the guy behind
661
00:37:50,880 --> 00:37:57,790
the counter
662
00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:01,160
I can't even scan the next item please
663
00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:03,280
looking at me like I'm a piece of
664
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,040
[ __ ] you [ __ ] idiot I'm going to buzz
665
00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,800
for help now you [ __ ] idiot this
666
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:10,240
prick FS he's going to win the lottery
667
00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:13,079
and now look at you you
668
00:38:13,079 --> 00:38:16,680
need starts buzzing for
669
00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:18,800
help you know they Buzz for help under
670
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,800
the counter when they can't handle it
671
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,800
anymore everyone's looking around where
672
00:38:23,800 --> 00:38:26,480
is he where is he where is he [ __ ]
673
00:38:26,480 --> 00:38:36,270
shelf stackers pretending you can't hear
674
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:41,920
[Music]
675
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,560
it suddenly from the back of tesos a
676
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:48,680
hero comes to save the day doesn't he
677
00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,839
from Beyond the
678
00:38:50,839 --> 00:38:53,240
flaps the Tesco
679
00:38:53,240 --> 00:39:02,349
tornado there
680
00:39:02,359 --> 00:39:05,840
pass the queue quicker than fill and
681
00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:14,430
[Applause]
682
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:18,079
Holly comes in he's got that magic magic
683
00:39:18,079 --> 00:39:20,440
necklace they love that do they they
684
00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:23,119
love that The Magic Necklace comes in
685
00:39:23,119 --> 00:39:35,309
doesn't even look at me just comes in
686
00:39:35,319 --> 00:39:37,960
disappears I'll take the next item but
687
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:42,390
please wait for assistance [ __ ] it
688
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:45,280
h just want to [ __ ]
689
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:47,800
leave finally get all the stuff in the
690
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:51,079
bag F I want to pay how'd you
691
00:39:51,079 --> 00:39:53,560
pay pay is all these questions you don't
692
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:56,640
need how would you like to pay it's 2022
693
00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,000
God
694
00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:02,400
card think about it card honestly it's
695
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,440
that would you like to pay my coin coin
696
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:06,960
coin yeah I'm [ __ ] Robin Hood and
697
00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,920
I've turned up with a little bag of
698
00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,240
coins I've also brought this goat which
699
00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:13,640
I'd like to exchange for these washing
700
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:17,090
up tablets me
701
00:40:17,100 --> 00:40:19,040
[Applause]
702
00:40:19,040 --> 00:40:22,040
Lord
703
00:40:22,040 --> 00:40:24,520
coin you saying it I just s where's the
704
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:26,680
card where's the card gift card gift
705
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:28,560
card is there would you like to pay my
706
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:33,069
gift card gift card are you
707
00:40:33,079 --> 00:40:35,520
insane I'd love to be a fly on the wall
708
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:42,670
of that
709
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:45,000
birthday oh sorry I wasn't sure what to
710
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:46,560
get you and then I remember that time
711
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:51,950
you said you had to pop to
712
00:40:51,960 --> 00:40:55,990
tesos happy
713
00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:58,480
birthday fu fin I get the stuff in the
714
00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:00,480
bag I get out of there get as soon as I
715
00:41:00,480 --> 00:41:02,599
walk out the door as soon as I go out
716
00:41:02,599 --> 00:41:04,520
soon as I cross the line just out the
717
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:07,240
doors you could use V come in the back
718
00:41:07,240 --> 00:41:10,200
of my heel just as I'm out I get another
719
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:13,200
text and some onions you [ __ ] I have
720
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:17,280
to go the whole way back through tesos
721
00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,400
come around do it again get home finally
722
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:24,319
got the bags you know put them on the
723
00:41:24,319 --> 00:41:27,839
side she takes one look in the bag
724
00:41:27,839 --> 00:41:31,870
where's the milk
725
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:35,240
[ __ ]
726
00:41:35,250 --> 00:41:42,309
[Music]
727
00:41:42,319 --> 00:41:47,240
[ __ ] it's too much it's too much she
728
00:41:47,240 --> 00:41:49,760
cooks I take her out that's the deal I
729
00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:53,000
take her out go to this local restaurant
730
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:54,119
you know what it's
731
00:41:54,119 --> 00:41:57,440
like that's for water
732
00:41:57,440 --> 00:41:59,240
as well water they always have the same
733
00:41:59,240 --> 00:42:01,920
response still or
734
00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:05,190
sparkling
735
00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:08,680
tap [ __ ] tap yeah since when did
736
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:11,440
sparkling get this promotion by the way
737
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:14,319
as if it was equal with water when I say
738
00:42:14,319 --> 00:42:17,119
water obviously I mean still we all mean
739
00:42:17,119 --> 00:42:19,319
still when we say if I wanted SP I'd say
740
00:42:19,319 --> 00:42:21,920
sparkling would I I you go to a market
741
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,079
Hy mate can I have an apple plane or
742
00:42:24,079 --> 00:42:27,319
toffee give me a [ __ ] Apple
743
00:42:27,319 --> 00:42:32,470
wrong with
744
00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:34,720
you I hate getting the bill at a
745
00:42:34,720 --> 00:42:36,200
restaurant I really that for me is the
746
00:42:36,200 --> 00:42:38,599
worst bit of the night getting the bill
747
00:42:38,599 --> 00:42:42,400
I like Nando system Nando you go in you
748
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:44,760
pay then you eat then you leave that's
749
00:42:44,760 --> 00:42:46,559
great is that that's great you have the
750
00:42:46,559 --> 00:42:48,480
nice fun bit at the end nice fun bit
751
00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,640
finish off you go brilliant that's how
752
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:52,240
it should be shouldn't it imagine a
753
00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:54,440
magical world where you got to wipe your
754
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,119
ass first imagine that wouldn't that be
755
00:42:56,119 --> 00:42:58,559
great imagine if you wiped your ass
756
00:42:58,559 --> 00:43:00,599
first magical world right wiped your ass
757
00:43:00,599 --> 00:43:02,240
first then had the [ __ ] and then just
758
00:43:02,240 --> 00:43:05,720
left how good how good would that be
759
00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:09,280
just there we go we're off that's how it
760
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:12,680
should be to get the bill it just takes
761
00:43:12,680 --> 00:43:14,559
forever this is out of dat this system
762
00:43:14,559 --> 00:43:18,520
it's not working every single time me
763
00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:20,480
and my partner go for dinner every time
764
00:43:20,480 --> 00:43:23,319
we get the bill should get the bill get
765
00:43:23,319 --> 00:43:43,230
the bill yeah let's get the bill yeah
766
00:43:43,240 --> 00:44:05,950
you you get them if they come that way
767
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:27,100
we were here first we were here first
768
00:44:27,110 --> 00:44:36,630
[Music]
769
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:38,960
wa he's coming but then he's come to
770
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,240
them I don't know well maybe if we make
771
00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:42,800
it oh hang on sorry could you just you
772
00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:44,520
[ __ ] not paying
773
00:44:44,520 --> 00:44:46,720
attention your
774
00:44:46,720 --> 00:44:49,599
side your side for [ __ ] sake hang on
775
00:44:49,599 --> 00:45:01,549
there one coming one
776
00:45:01,559 --> 00:45:03,720
TR to get the bill please yeah cheers
777
00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:06,760
thank you thank you so
778
00:45:06,770 --> 00:45:16,950
[Applause]
779
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:19,640
much oh yeah yeah thanks a lot and then
780
00:45:19,640 --> 00:45:21,359
they [ __ ] off where are they going where
781
00:45:21,359 --> 00:45:22,880
are they going where are they they [ __ ]
782
00:45:22,880 --> 00:45:24,359
up they give you the bill they [ __ ] off
783
00:45:24,359 --> 00:45:26,720
what do you think I want to do at this
784
00:45:26,720 --> 00:45:30,200
point in the [ __ ] evening huh what
785
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:32,440
you think I was doing just curious oh
786
00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:34,040
yeah oh really is it anyway I'm going to
787
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:35,520
decorate now cheers manate what the
788
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:38,319
[ __ ] weight's
789
00:45:38,319 --> 00:45:41,680
there imagine that in a shop imagine
790
00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:43,079
that b a chocolate bar put on the
791
00:45:43,079 --> 00:45:44,319
counter sorry mate how much is that
792
00:45:44,319 --> 00:45:52,829
Snickers he just goes 50p see
793
00:45:52,839 --> 00:45:55,470
you [ __ ]
794
00:45:55,470 --> 00:45:58,119
[Applause]
795
00:45:58,119 --> 00:45:59,640
sometimes we get dessert sometimes we
796
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:02,960
get dessert at least sometimes we are
797
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:04,720
always
798
00:46:04,720 --> 00:46:07,240
surprised when we are offered the
799
00:46:07,240 --> 00:46:08,720
dessert menu even though it's a
800
00:46:08,720 --> 00:46:11,720
perfectly normal part of the dining
801
00:46:11,720 --> 00:46:14,800
experience it happens every time we go
802
00:46:14,800 --> 00:46:16,079
we'll be sat there wait till it come
803
00:46:16,079 --> 00:46:18,079
along would you like to see the dessert
804
00:46:18,079 --> 00:46:23,750
menu
805
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:29,150
oh the
806
00:46:29,160 --> 00:46:30,680
it's like he's let in and go would you
807
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:41,069
like to come back to mine for an
808
00:46:41,079 --> 00:46:50,030
ory I will if you
809
00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:53,000
will get the dessert menu I don't right
810
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,200
okay I I like dessert right I like
811
00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:57,079
dessert why I've never understood I
812
00:46:57,079 --> 00:46:58,280
never understood this you look at the
813
00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:00,920
dessert menu right all this sweet stuff
814
00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:04,559
all this sweet stuff tiasu Creme Brule
815
00:47:04,559 --> 00:47:08,160
sticky tofe pudding ice cream apple
816
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:14,790
crumble custard then out of nowhere
817
00:47:14,800 --> 00:47:17,559
cheeseboard now I love cheese don't get
818
00:47:17,559 --> 00:47:21,680
me wrong I'm captain cheese okay all
819
00:47:21,680 --> 00:47:24,480
right but I I just that can't have been
820
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:27,000
on the dessert menu the whole time good
821
00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:29,000
has ended up somehow
822
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:31,280
randomly once upon a time that wasn't
823
00:47:31,280 --> 00:47:32,760
there there was just this disgusting
824
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:34,000
couple in a restaurant that just
825
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:40,230
finished their
826
00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:42,599
main wife says um I think I'm going to
827
00:47:42,599 --> 00:47:48,430
go for the tiu darling how about
828
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:58,750
you I want some cheese
829
00:47:58,760 --> 00:48:02,240
oh um oh well it's not on here I can see
830
00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:06,790
if they do cheese um oh which
831
00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:12,390
one all of
832
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:16,000
them I want all the
833
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:17,920
cheeses
834
00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:19,839
come
835
00:48:19,839 --> 00:48:22,480
ston extra mature
836
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:24,319
Jed
837
00:48:24,319 --> 00:48:27,200
blue Bri
838
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,030
red
839
00:48:30,040 --> 00:48:32,960
ler forget the plate just shove it on a
840
00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:38,309
plank of
841
00:48:38,319 --> 00:48:41,319
wood darling it's just it's just that
842
00:48:41,319 --> 00:48:44,319
when when most people have a dessert
843
00:48:44,319 --> 00:48:45,920
they they tend to have something sweet
844
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:47,680
that's
845
00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:53,830
all stick some grapes on it
846
00:48:53,840 --> 00:49:03,280
[Applause]
847
00:49:03,280 --> 00:49:07,309
crazy I don't
848
00:49:07,319 --> 00:49:09,839
know my phone is
849
00:49:09,839 --> 00:49:14,520
full you know too much memory taken
850
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:17,200
having to go through my phone deleting
851
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:21,799
photos [ __ ] thousands of the
852
00:49:21,799 --> 00:49:24,880
pointless that one what the why have I
853
00:49:24,880 --> 00:49:27,400
got all these photos
854
00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:29,880
why you live in the Disposable age
855
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:31,640
that's why doesn't matter does just take
856
00:49:31,640 --> 00:49:34,319
it take it take it I never look at it
857
00:49:34,319 --> 00:49:35,920
again do
858
00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:38,680
you imagine in the '90s
859
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:42,200
imagine getting a bus into
860
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:46,880
town to go to boots to queue to hand in
861
00:49:46,880 --> 00:49:50,440
some film to go home to wake up the next
862
00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:54,200
day to get a bus back into town to queue
863
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:57,200
again to collect a photo of some Ed eggs
864
00:49:57,200 --> 00:49:59,250
on
865
00:49:59,250 --> 00:50:02,680
[Applause]
866
00:50:02,680 --> 00:50:04,680
toast oh look at that it's got chili
867
00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:05,850
flakes look at
868
00:50:05,850 --> 00:50:09,190
[Applause]
869
00:50:09,200 --> 00:50:12,160
that those the cherish photos we used to
870
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:14,559
cherish them I remember I visit my nan
871
00:50:14,559 --> 00:50:16,880
in Ireland right tradition she would get
872
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:19,599
out this big leatherbound photo album
873
00:50:19,599 --> 00:50:21,839
they [ __ ] off you don't one those big
874
00:50:21,839 --> 00:50:26,950
books every page like that
875
00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:31,319
just one still into a Time Gone by
876
00:50:31,319 --> 00:50:34,680
beautiful you cherished it it wasn't in
877
00:50:34,680 --> 00:50:37,720
the cloud you had to look after this
878
00:50:37,720 --> 00:50:40,599
remember just one picture to tell a
879
00:50:40,599 --> 00:50:42,520
whole story one remember looking at this
880
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:44,680
black and white photo of the moment my
881
00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:47,760
nan met my granddad beautiful big
882
00:50:47,760 --> 00:50:50,079
strapping figure handlebar mustache
883
00:50:50,079 --> 00:50:54,480
smoking a pipe on top of a penny
884
00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,839
faving with my granddad looking looking
885
00:50:56,839 --> 00:51:02,990
up at
886
00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:06,240
herti there the cherish those moments
887
00:51:06,240 --> 00:51:08,440
sat there with my n going through the
888
00:51:08,440 --> 00:51:09,680
album we're not going to be able to do
889
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:12,400
that with our grandkids are we imagine
890
00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:15,160
imagine those photos in an album look at
891
00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:18,000
that look at this kid look here 20
892
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:33,109
identical photos of the same sunset
893
00:51:33,119 --> 00:51:35,160
I'll never forget this look at
894
00:51:35,160 --> 00:51:38,640
that that's the train times from London
895
00:51:38,640 --> 00:51:44,109
to
896
00:51:44,119 --> 00:51:46,680
Gatwick look at
897
00:51:46,680 --> 00:52:00,470
that it's the old wifi code
898
00:52:00,480 --> 00:52:13,630
ignore
899
00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:16,040
that I I didn't know that man that was
900
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:22,870
part of a WhatsApp
901
00:52:22,880 --> 00:52:27,319
group look at that
902
00:52:27,319 --> 00:52:29,680
that's a photo of
903
00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:32,240
Gregs I was just one time I was meeting
904
00:52:32,240 --> 00:52:34,960
your nan in town and she text me to say
905
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:42,750
where are you and that's where I
906
00:52:42,760 --> 00:52:46,640
was I'll never forget this call in my
907
00:52:46,640 --> 00:52:49,240
wife man man look at this
908
00:52:49,240 --> 00:52:52,359
look that is an ink cartridge so I
909
00:52:52,359 --> 00:52:57,670
didn't buy the wrong one
910
00:52:57,680 --> 00:52:59,319
that's a massive black bloke with a
911
00:52:59,319 --> 00:53:04,390
massive black [ __ ] out on the end of a
912
00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:08,000
[Applause]
913
00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:18,460
bed there he is again in the froth of a
914
00:53:18,470 --> 00:53:20,680
[Applause]
915
00:53:20,680 --> 00:53:22,640
cappuccino there he is again on some
916
00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:35,470
cheese on toast
917
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:39,410
there's some cumber and
918
00:53:39,420 --> 00:53:47,839
[Applause]
919
00:53:47,839 --> 00:53:51,559
sausages he like that man that I [ __ ]
920
00:53:51,559 --> 00:53:52,880
remember that he looked that he was
921
00:53:52,880 --> 00:53:56,720
[ __ ] everywhere he was
922
00:53:56,720 --> 00:54:00,710
[Music]
923
00:54:00,720 --> 00:54:03,359
I'm trying to get more healthy trying to
924
00:54:03,359 --> 00:54:05,040
get more healthy I quit smoking thank
925
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:07,799
you very much yeah I did it oh look at
926
00:54:07,799 --> 00:54:10,520
that I did it I never thought I could do
927
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:12,839
it I did it I wish they were just ban it
928
00:54:12,839 --> 00:54:16,240
to be honest just ban it we know what it
929
00:54:16,240 --> 00:54:19,280
does what annoys me the most is the laws
930
00:54:19,280 --> 00:54:21,720
they bring in to pretend they give a
931
00:54:21,720 --> 00:54:24,839
[ __ ] you know on I mean like it's it's
932
00:54:24,839 --> 00:54:29,720
now illegal for shops to display
933
00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:36,030
cigarettes I still know where they
934
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:39,079
are they're where they've always been
935
00:54:39,079 --> 00:54:40,960
they're behind
936
00:54:40,960 --> 00:54:44,880
you all you've done is put them in a
937
00:54:44,880 --> 00:54:47,680
Cupboard if this strategy worked I'd be
938
00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:50,079
walking around my kitchen going I'm sure
939
00:54:50,079 --> 00:54:57,750
I had some cups
940
00:54:57,760 --> 00:55:01,349
oh [ __ ] it I Quit
941
00:55:01,359 --> 00:55:05,000
cups these stupid laws no let's get rid
942
00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:06,720
of The Branding let's get we must get
943
00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:08,079
rid of The Branding that will help
944
00:55:08,079 --> 00:55:10,720
people quit the logos they they've
945
00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:12,640
gotten rid of the logos all the
946
00:55:12,640 --> 00:55:14,359
cigarette packets look the same now who
947
00:55:14,359 --> 00:55:17,079
is this helping to quit smoking I've
948
00:55:17,079 --> 00:55:18,119
never been with anyone you want a
949
00:55:18,119 --> 00:55:19,200
cigarette no it's all right mate I
950
00:55:19,200 --> 00:55:20,720
managed to quit fcking how how' you
951
00:55:20,720 --> 00:55:22,559
manage that you're on 20 a day yeah
952
00:55:22,559 --> 00:55:24,240
turns out I was just addicted to
953
00:55:24,240 --> 00:55:27,400
pictures of camels
954
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:33,710
[Applause]
955
00:55:33,720 --> 00:55:35,839
oh God I tried vaping that wasn't for me
956
00:55:35,839 --> 00:55:38,200
it's not a cool look is it the Vape it's
957
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:41,359
not a good look you know I I'm not proud
958
00:55:41,359 --> 00:55:43,039
of thinking this but smoking I still
959
00:55:43,039 --> 00:55:45,319
think it looks cool oh my God I do I
960
00:55:45,319 --> 00:55:47,760
went on holiday to Italy even if you
961
00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:49,799
don't smoke you see an Italian smoke you
962
00:55:49,799 --> 00:55:51,319
need a cigarette it's
963
00:55:51,319 --> 00:55:53,839
incredible honestly they all smoke out
964
00:55:53,839 --> 00:55:55,960
there I don't think it's bad for you out
965
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:58,400
there I think he good for you and
966
00:55:58,400 --> 00:56:10,710
it's
967
00:56:10,720 --> 00:56:14,440
f are beautiful
968
00:56:14,440 --> 00:56:17,000
it always going on about the ocean AR
969
00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:18,119
they the
970
00:56:18,119 --> 00:56:23,470
Italians see
971
00:56:23,480 --> 00:56:25,920
see even the Smoke on the end of the
972
00:56:25,920 --> 00:56:28,480
cigarette is sexy you know that smoke I
973
00:56:28,480 --> 00:56:31,559
am the cigarette smoke don't open the
974
00:56:31,559 --> 00:56:39,510
window otherwi I leave
975
00:56:39,520 --> 00:56:42,520
you that's what you want in the old
976
00:56:42,520 --> 00:56:44,440
films characters had sex afterwards they
977
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:45,520
had a
978
00:56:45,520 --> 00:56:48,140
cigarette Zippo out
979
00:56:48,140 --> 00:56:50,559
[Music]
980
00:56:50,559 --> 00:56:53,440
Ching that's what you want isn't it
981
00:56:53,440 --> 00:56:56,839
isn't it after some fornication you
982
00:56:56,839 --> 00:56:59,400
yeah you don't want to wake up next to a
983
00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:02,640
vapor do you do
984
00:57:02,640 --> 00:57:06,359
you huh no one wants to come then turn
985
00:57:06,359 --> 00:57:11,960
to their side to see
986
00:57:11,970 --> 00:57:29,829
[Applause]
987
00:57:29,839 --> 00:57:35,230
have you got a
988
00:57:35,240 --> 00:57:38,760
charger ridiculous
989
00:57:38,760 --> 00:57:41,760
thing trying to get fit trying to get
990
00:57:41,760 --> 00:57:44,160
healthy friend recommended a Fitbit not
991
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:47,599
for me not the Fitbit cannot stand the
992
00:57:47,599 --> 00:57:50,079
Fitbit honestly Public Announcement okay
993
00:57:50,079 --> 00:57:52,640
this is important listen to me right any
994
00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:56,359
owners of fitbits listen clear no one
995
00:57:56,359 --> 00:58:02,309
else gives a [ __ ] how many steps you've
996
00:58:02,319 --> 00:58:06,240
done try me [ __ ] nuts just be talking
997
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:08,559
to people and then they'll just go
998
00:58:08,559 --> 00:58:10,280
interrupt the
999
00:58:10,280 --> 00:58:16,710
chat
1000
00:58:16,720 --> 00:58:20,240
sorry I done 10,000
1001
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:22,680
steps unless it was out of a wheelchair
1002
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:25,730
I don't give a [ __ ] do I
1003
00:58:25,730 --> 00:58:31,440
[Applause]
1004
00:58:31,440 --> 00:58:33,119
don't let me stop you see what you can
1005
00:58:33,119 --> 00:58:36,280
get up to go on carry on when you get
1006
00:58:36,280 --> 00:58:39,200
there bore the [ __ ] out of someone else
1007
00:58:39,200 --> 00:58:48,230
preferably a coast guard go
1008
00:58:48,240 --> 00:58:51,440
onu my friend recommended a
1009
00:58:51,440 --> 00:58:56,160
PT yeah personal trainer
1010
00:58:56,160 --> 00:58:57,880
don't know if you've used one of these
1011
00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:00,640
terrifying went to the local gym there
1012
00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:02,079
he was
1013
00:59:02,079 --> 00:59:07,000
Gary ripped Hench lovely man terrifying
1014
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:08,559
absolutely terrifying I'm going to get
1015
00:59:08,559 --> 00:59:10,000
you [ __ ] ripped son going to get you
1016
00:59:10,000 --> 00:59:12,400
[ __ ] ripped going to get you hen you
1017
00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:15,559
ready you ready you bumed let's go all
1018
00:59:15,559 --> 00:59:17,359
those rocks on it all those veins are
1019
00:59:17,359 --> 00:59:20,039
there come on you
1020
00:59:20,039 --> 00:59:26,349
st look like an a wrecked penis
1021
00:59:26,359 --> 00:59:28,039
W be carried on any longer he going to
1022
00:59:28,039 --> 00:59:34,789
come out the top of his
1023
00:59:34,799 --> 00:59:37,839
head terrifying
1024
00:59:37,839 --> 00:59:41,160
man set up this circuit this thing
1025
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:42,559
called a
1026
00:59:42,559 --> 00:59:45,960
circuit one exercise after the other
1027
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:48,079
right brings me over says right going to
1028
00:59:48,079 --> 00:59:50,599
get you on 20 squats 20 squat is going
1029
00:59:50,599 --> 00:59:52,440
to come down like that back straight
1030
00:59:52,440 --> 00:59:54,000
starts giving me a history lesson on the
1031
00:59:54,000 --> 00:59:56,200
squat did you know that actually right
1032
00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,119
when we were caveman we actually used to
1033
00:59:58,119 --> 01:00:00,079
pick stuff up right there but as we
1034
01:00:00,079 --> 01:00:01,920
evolved we got lazy we started bending
1035
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:05,079
our back like I don't give a
1036
01:00:05,079 --> 01:00:07,599
[ __ ] I'd rather have back pains for the
1037
01:00:07,599 --> 01:00:10,400
rest of my life than pick something
1038
01:00:10,400 --> 01:00:13,960
up like that in public
1039
01:00:13,960 --> 01:00:17,480
okay all right thanks a lot going to be
1040
01:00:17,480 --> 01:00:19,160
walking down the High Street sorry guys
1041
01:00:19,160 --> 01:00:26,990
just dropped my phone
1042
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,839
that's 20 squats right 20 squats you to
1043
01:00:28,839 --> 01:00:30,400
get onto the treadmill going to do hit
1044
01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:31,720
right run as fast as you can for a
1045
01:00:31,720 --> 01:00:35,680
minute stop walk for a minute then run
1046
01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:37,000
again you got that going to bring you
1047
01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:39,720
over here going to do kettle bell lunges
1048
01:00:39,720 --> 01:00:41,039
all right going to pick up these weights
1049
01:00:41,039 --> 01:00:43,960
here right down on your right leg that
1050
01:00:43,960 --> 01:00:45,839
on your left leg like that I don't know
1051
01:00:45,839 --> 01:00:47,240
why we're doing this
1052
01:00:47,240 --> 01:00:49,319
movement how heavy does he think my
1053
01:00:49,319 --> 01:00:51,640
shopping is what is this stupid
1054
01:00:51,640 --> 01:00:54,440
movements we're doing
1055
01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:56,520
H then it goes WR I'm going to bring you
1056
01:00:56,520 --> 01:00:58,000
over here going to pick up this dumbbell
1057
01:00:58,000 --> 01:00:59,119
going to lean on the bench I'm going to
1058
01:00:59,119 --> 01:01:01,240
work on your triceps good do this right
1059
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:03,640
12 of these 12 of these what the tricep
1060
01:01:03,640 --> 01:01:05,319
look at that the that's the tricep I
1061
01:01:05,319 --> 01:01:06,960
don't need that mother the
1062
01:01:06,960 --> 01:01:10,319
[ __ ] don't worry about that mate all I
1063
01:01:10,319 --> 01:01:11,520
need to be able to do is pull open a
1064
01:01:11,520 --> 01:01:13,079
door after that you can cut that off I
1065
01:01:13,079 --> 01:01:15,400
don't need it don't give a [ __ ] about
1066
01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:22,990
the
1067
01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:24,880
tricep I was going to do that right then
1068
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:26,079
you're going to come over into the R
1069
01:01:26,079 --> 01:01:27,160
machine you're going to sit on the Ry
1070
01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:28,880
machine right you're going to pull it
1071
01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:31,079
out until you burn 20 calories it's on
1072
01:01:31,079 --> 01:01:32,520
the heaviest weight okay going to come
1073
01:01:32,520 --> 01:01:34,160
off that last
1074
01:01:34,160 --> 01:01:38,599
excise grabs this like giant black beach
1075
01:01:38,599 --> 01:01:42,119
ball thing right it's called a medicine
1076
01:01:42,119 --> 01:01:43,960
ball right he gets on the ground there
1077
01:01:43,960 --> 01:01:45,520
are people in the gym there are people
1078
01:01:45,520 --> 01:01:47,280
in the gym looking over he gets on the
1079
01:01:47,280 --> 01:01:48,599
ground he goes I'm going to going to sit
1080
01:01:48,599 --> 01:01:50,559
up I'm going to Chuck you Chuck you this
1081
01:01:50,559 --> 01:01:52,400
ball I'm going to sit up I'm going to
1082
01:01:52,400 --> 01:01:53,359
Chuck you this ball you're going to
1083
01:01:53,359 --> 01:01:56,279
Chuck it back right 50 quit this was 50
1084
01:01:56,279 --> 01:01:59,279
Quid to play catch with a stranger like
1085
01:01:59,279 --> 01:02:01,359
what what am I doing with my
1086
01:02:01,359 --> 01:02:04,520
life okay I
1087
01:02:04,520 --> 01:02:07,000
do it
1088
01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:13,510
gets it's
1089
01:02:13,520 --> 01:02:17,000
crazy he goes what we going to do right
1090
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:17,839
we're going to get your heart rate
1091
01:02:17,839 --> 01:02:20,440
moving bit of Boxer size bit of Boxer
1092
01:02:20,440 --> 01:02:23,839
size bit of boxer Size Feet Shadow with
1093
01:02:23,839 --> 01:02:26,839
apart right get a jab in Hook right I
1094
01:02:26,839 --> 01:02:28,440
thought I've got that that's fine I do
1095
01:02:28,440 --> 01:02:30,839
that water off a duck's
1096
01:02:30,839 --> 01:02:35,000
back so go in no one do right oh yeah
1097
01:02:35,000 --> 01:02:37,680
tasty that is tasty that's not bad that
1098
01:02:37,680 --> 01:02:40,839
is not bad he's like giving me notes you
1099
01:02:40,839 --> 01:02:42,640
guys now the problem is right is there
1100
01:02:42,640 --> 01:02:44,240
you've left your chin exposed so what's
1101
01:02:44,240 --> 01:02:45,279
going to happen is he's going to come
1102
01:02:45,279 --> 01:02:46,400
under the ear he's going to see your
1103
01:02:46,400 --> 01:02:47,680
chin he's going to knock you the [ __ ]
1104
01:02:47,680 --> 01:02:58,309
out right I went who
1105
01:02:58,319 --> 01:03:00,520
who is going to knock me the [ __ ] out
1106
01:03:00,520 --> 01:03:02,079
right no no all I'm just I'm just I'm
1107
01:03:02,079 --> 01:03:04,799
just hereit some burn some calories yeah
1108
01:03:04,799 --> 01:03:06,240
feel a bit better about my mental health
1109
01:03:06,240 --> 01:03:07,960
he's like we do it again every single
1110
01:03:07,960 --> 01:03:09,160
time no no cuz then he's going to get a
1111
01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:10,359
rib shot right he's going to get rib
1112
01:03:10,359 --> 01:03:12,760
shot no that's not going to happen I I'm
1113
01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:14,000
just come here to feel better about
1114
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:16,559
myself you're training me to fight Tyson
1115
01:03:16,559 --> 01:03:19,079
Fury I don't need this just like I don't
1116
01:03:19,079 --> 01:03:22,200
need these [ __ ] movements in what
1117
01:03:22,200 --> 01:03:24,279
reality do I need to do these movements
1118
01:03:24,279 --> 01:03:25,839
just in case one day I wake up and
1119
01:03:25,839 --> 01:03:27,799
action film I've got Gary in my ear
1120
01:03:27,799 --> 01:03:29,039
quickly there's a bad guy to your left
1121
01:03:29,039 --> 01:03:30,920
jabed in Hook there's a bad guy to your
1122
01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:32,680
right jabed in Hook quickly there's a
1123
01:03:32,680 --> 01:03:33,880
terrorist across the road he's got a
1124
01:03:33,880 --> 01:03:35,440
missile launcher he shot one at you
1125
01:03:35,440 --> 01:03:38,670
quickly
1126
01:03:38,680 --> 01:03:41,359
duck run for your life run for your life
1127
01:03:41,359 --> 01:03:42,559
quickly run for your life they're coming
1128
01:03:42,559 --> 01:03:44,520
with knives quickly go quickly keep
1129
01:03:44,520 --> 01:03:45,799
going they're coming [ __ ] there a
1130
01:03:45,799 --> 01:03:47,490
swimming pool
1131
01:03:47,490 --> 01:03:51,670
[Music]
1132
01:03:51,680 --> 01:03:54,039
walk run again run again quickly there's
1133
01:03:54,039 --> 01:03:56,160
briefcases there at the end pick up
1134
01:03:56,160 --> 01:03:57,480
they've got the Cod to deactivate the
1135
01:03:57,480 --> 01:03:59,200
bomb keep going [ __ ] they're shooting at
1136
01:03:59,200 --> 01:04:04,029
you
1137
01:04:04,039 --> 01:04:06,720
duck put the briefcases in the boat
1138
01:04:06,720 --> 01:04:09,020
start the
1139
01:04:09,020 --> 01:04:13,589
[Music]
1140
01:04:13,599 --> 01:04:16,160
engine it's not working Gary [ __ ] it
1141
01:04:16,160 --> 01:04:27,109
you're going to have to row it yourself
1142
01:04:27,119 --> 01:04:29,720
get up quickly there's the boss he's got
1143
01:04:29,720 --> 01:04:31,119
the bomb [ __ ] shucked out at you
1144
01:04:31,119 --> 01:04:35,599
quickly Chuck it back Chuck it back Chu
1145
01:04:35,599 --> 01:04:38,920
it back Chu you back they quickly
1146
01:04:38,920 --> 01:04:41,440
hydrate quick I can't car quickly get
1147
01:04:41,440 --> 01:04:50,029
the water God get I can't quickly do it
1148
01:04:50,039 --> 01:04:54,000
now it's sparkling
1149
01:04:54,000 --> 01:05:08,710
[Applause]
1150
01:05:08,720 --> 01:05:12,880
I did five of these
1151
01:05:12,880 --> 01:05:15,200
circuits and at the end I'm lying there
1152
01:05:15,200 --> 01:05:17,440
I'm lying there I can't believe it my
1153
01:05:17,440 --> 01:05:20,960
body has never been in so much
1154
01:05:20,960 --> 01:05:24,359
pain and while sto down there he took
1155
01:05:24,359 --> 01:05:27,279
advantage of me he did he signed me up
1156
01:05:27,279 --> 01:05:30,309
to a second
1157
01:05:30,319 --> 01:05:33,200
session I can't believe this I can't do
1158
01:05:33,200 --> 01:05:34,559
you want to do a second session yeah
1159
01:05:34,559 --> 01:05:37,760
what just please just what I can't
1160
01:05:37,760 --> 01:05:39,559
believe the amount of [ __ ] I've put in
1161
01:05:39,559 --> 01:05:42,000
my body over the last 20 years and I'm
1162
01:05:42,000 --> 01:05:45,000
going to [ __ ] die in a
1163
01:05:45,000 --> 01:05:52,789
gym what this happened to
1164
01:05:52,799 --> 01:05:56,640
me a whole week dreading this session
1165
01:05:56,640 --> 01:06:00,150
I'm walking
1166
01:06:00,160 --> 01:06:02,440
around bumping into people you right
1167
01:06:02,440 --> 01:06:04,240
Sean yeah I'm
1168
01:06:04,240 --> 01:06:13,710
right just getting fit and
1169
01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:17,279
I it's good it is good it is good ladies
1170
01:06:17,279 --> 01:06:19,079
and gentlemen I never thought I'd say it
1171
01:06:19,079 --> 01:06:21,520
I never thought I'd say getting a
1172
01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:23,960
PT is a good thing a personal trainer
1173
01:06:23,960 --> 01:06:26,079
good for your mental health trust me
1174
01:06:26,079 --> 01:06:27,760
cuz I went that
1175
01:06:27,760 --> 01:06:30,119
day and on the way to the gym I got a
1176
01:06:30,119 --> 01:06:32,039
text and he said sorry mate today's
1177
01:06:32,039 --> 01:06:38,670
session's
1178
01:06:38,680 --> 01:06:41,000
cancelled what a
1179
01:06:41,000 --> 01:06:44,440
feeling I have never had an endorphin
1180
01:06:44,440 --> 01:06:50,109
hit like
1181
01:06:50,119 --> 01:06:53,480
it ladies and gentlemen I joked earlier
1182
01:06:53,480 --> 01:06:56,279
on about your dreams being dead
1183
01:06:56,279 --> 01:06:58,960
of course tonight I've managed to live
1184
01:06:58,960 --> 01:07:01,799
one thank you very much I appreciate
1185
01:07:01,799 --> 01:07:05,279
that I appreciate you coming thank you
1186
01:07:05,279 --> 01:07:07,319
very
1187
01:07:07,319 --> 01:07:10,279
much Bless you that's very nice thank
1188
01:07:10,279 --> 01:07:12,880
you
1189
01:07:12,880 --> 01:07:17,520
wow thank you thank you very much all
1190
01:07:17,520 --> 01:07:19,359
there's so many people to
1191
01:07:19,359 --> 01:07:23,279
thank all of you thank you so much sing
1192
01:07:23,279 --> 01:07:27,789
ofation I
1193
01:07:27,799 --> 01:07:30,109
thank
1194
01:07:30,119 --> 01:07:32,839
you thank you very much there's so many
1195
01:07:32,839 --> 01:07:36,000
people to thank uh to make so many
1196
01:07:36,000 --> 01:07:38,000
people to thank for making this happen
1197
01:07:38,000 --> 01:07:40,480
but tonight this is for Danny Julian so
1198
01:07:40,480 --> 01:07:43,160
thank you very much take care good night
1199
01:07:43,160 --> 01:07:45,120
thank you
1200
01:07:45,120 --> 01:07:46,180
[Music]
1201
01:07:46,180 --> 01:07:56,200
[Applause]81077
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