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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:03,190 ( music playing ) 2 00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:32,230 ANNOUNCER: Starring tonight: Bob Crane, 3 00:00:32,230 --> 00:00:34,180 Jo Anne Worley, 4 00:00:34,180 --> 00:00:36,110 Victor Buono, 5 00:00:36,110 --> 00:00:38,140 Forrest Tucker, 6 00:00:38,140 --> 00:00:40,000 and John Astin, 7 00:00:47,010 --> 00:00:49,020 Good evening, art lovers, 8 00:00:49,020 --> 00:00:51,040 For your enjoyment and edification, 9 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:53,170 three paintings on display, 10 00:00:53,170 --> 00:00:55,100 part of a collection of kookery 11 00:00:55,100 --> 00:00:58,130 unique to this special exhibit, 12 00:00:58,130 --> 00:01:00,170 Painting number one, 13 00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:02,010 out of the real estate section 14 00:01:02,010 --> 00:01:04,210 of a ghost town weekly, 15 00:01:04,210 --> 00:01:08,030 a ginger-bready item quite appropriately called, 16 00:01:08,030 --> 00:01:09,110 House - With Ghost, 17 00:01:09,110 --> 00:01:11,010 This, ladies and gentlemen, 18 00:01:11,010 --> 00:01:12,080 is the Night Gallery, 19 00:01:21,110 --> 00:01:24,090 ( bell tolling ) 20 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,190 This apartment is a dump, Iris, let's face it, 21 00:01:40,190 --> 00:01:43,020 - Its a sweet little flat in the heart of London 22 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,040 and I like it, Ellis, 23 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,070 Come on, face it, love, 24 00:01:46,070 --> 00:01:49,000 Got the bad end of a lousy swap, 25 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,190 A) the Twitchells got our whole house in New Jersey, 26 00:01:51,190 --> 00:01:54,010 Meanwhile, we got stuck with their tacky 27 00:01:54,010 --> 00:01:55,130 little three-room dump, 28 00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:58,150 At no extra expense to us, Ellis, 29 00:01:58,150 --> 00:02:02,010 and in London, you know what I mean? 30 00:02:02,010 --> 00:02:05,010 B) the expense isn't really important to us, 31 00:02:05,010 --> 00:02:07,210 and C) for three months 32 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:10,150 we haven't once been able to entertain properly, 33 00:02:10,150 --> 00:02:13,160 Well, I think we've done quite nicely, Ellis, 34 00:02:16,150 --> 00:02:18,100 Really? 35 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:21,030 A few of your afternoon séances, 36 00:02:21,030 --> 00:02:22,230 some buffet suppers 37 00:02:22,230 --> 00:02:24,100 with the lot of plates being bounced 38 00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,230 on people's knees? 39 00:02:25,230 --> 00:02:27,080 Come on, love, 40 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,090 let's really throw some parties, 41 00:02:29,090 --> 00:02:30,230 meet the right people, 42 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,160 Eh, here you go, 43 00:02:37,170 --> 00:02:40,000 Visiting England? 44 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,050 Rent a house in the city or countryside 45 00:02:42,050 --> 00:02:44,050 by the month or season, 46 00:02:44,050 --> 00:02:45,120 Charming residences 47 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,190 at reasonable rates-- 48 00:02:47,190 --> 00:02:51,010 with or without ghosts, 49 00:02:51,010 --> 00:02:52,190 Ghosts? 50 00:02:52,190 --> 00:02:55,110 Chichester's, Piccadilly, 51 00:02:55,110 --> 00:02:57,050 Let's say I run down, see what we can rent 52 00:02:57,050 --> 00:02:59,020 on a short-term basis? 53 00:02:59,020 --> 00:03:00,130 Not that we need a ghost, of course, 54 00:03:00,130 --> 00:03:02,150 but something with some grounds, 55 00:03:02,150 --> 00:03:03,200 some elegance, 56 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:06,210 Why not with a ghost? 57 00:03:06,210 --> 00:03:09,180 You really do just flip 58 00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:12,220 right past my interest, don't you? 59 00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:16,000 I like that idea, a house with a ghost, 60 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,070 Then, you don't know me at all, do you? 61 00:03:19,070 --> 00:03:21,130 A house with spirits in it 62 00:03:21,130 --> 00:03:25,030 seeking to express themselves, 63 00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,070 Well, there's a whole motif for entertaining 64 00:03:27,070 --> 00:03:29,190 right there, Ellis, you know what I mean? 65 00:03:29,190 --> 00:03:32,170 If it pleases you, my love, 66 00:03:32,170 --> 00:03:35,090 Are you sure it won't overload your Ouija board? 67 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:39,080 Oh, I might point out to you 68 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,100 that it's not very in these days 69 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:43,010 to be unspiritual, Ellis, 70 00:03:43,010 --> 00:03:44,100 you know what I mean? 71 00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:45,130 Uh-hmm, 72 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,120 Go ahead, see what they've got, 73 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,120 something with a money-back guaranty, 74 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,160 not too expensive, 75 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:55,210 and not for more than a month, 76 00:03:55,210 --> 00:03:57,060 Of course, my love, 77 00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:01,190 Should be quite long enough, 78 00:04:17,210 --> 00:04:19,110 Uh-uh-uh-uh, 79 00:04:20,190 --> 00:04:23,110 You Americans rush past everything, 80 00:04:23,110 --> 00:04:25,190 Now, there's a perfectly splendid house, 81 00:04:25,190 --> 00:04:27,220 Solid brick, Georgian, 82 00:04:27,220 --> 00:04:29,070 cool in summer, 83 00:04:29,070 --> 00:04:30,230 and right on the edge of London, 84 00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:32,210 Mr, Chichester, I'm looking for something 85 00:04:32,210 --> 00:04:34,160 outside the city, 86 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:36,050 more space, 87 00:04:36,050 --> 00:04:37,210 I'll know it when I see it, 88 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:41,070 ( sighs ) With a ghost, you said? 89 00:04:41,070 --> 00:04:43,230 Yes, It's the main attraction for my wife, 90 00:04:43,230 --> 00:04:46,190 Your first ghost, Mr, Travers? 91 00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:49,080 Stay with a suburban spirit, 92 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,190 They wear so much better over the long haul, 93 00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:55,200 There's no banging around until after sunset, 94 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:59,110 But your country ghosts, they're up at the crack of dawn, 95 00:04:59,110 --> 00:05:01,180 A) Mr, Chichester, this is not going to be 96 00:05:01,180 --> 00:05:04,120 for the long haul, and B) 97 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:07,040 I think the country air would be better for my wife's health, 98 00:05:08,110 --> 00:05:09,200 Oh, 99 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,110 an invalid starved for company, 100 00:05:12,110 --> 00:05:14,020 I get numbers of those, 101 00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:15,090 Wrong, 102 00:05:15,090 --> 00:05:16,230 My wife has dizzy spells, 103 00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:19,140 nothing serious, it's just inconvenient, 104 00:05:19,140 --> 00:05:22,180 And C) Mr, Travers? 105 00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:26,160 Is there any special reason 106 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,060 for a large country house? 107 00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:32,190 It has to do with the feel of the place, 108 00:05:32,190 --> 00:05:34,080 I'll know it when I see it, 109 00:05:44,170 --> 00:05:47,020 Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, 110 00:05:47,020 --> 00:05:49,010 Here, now,,, 111 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,160 ( muttering ) 112 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,100 Oh, first time, 113 00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:59,130 Canby Hall in the Cotswolds, 114 00:05:59,130 --> 00:06:02,130 That more what you had in mind, Mr, Travers? 115 00:06:02,130 --> 00:06:05,050 Yes, it's very dramatic, 116 00:06:06,130 --> 00:06:08,210 And the staircase, I like that, 117 00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:11,010 - It's good for special occasions, this house, 118 00:06:11,010 --> 00:06:13,010 Yeah, just what I was thinking, 119 00:06:13,010 --> 00:06:14,130 This is with ghost, isn't it? 120 00:06:14,130 --> 00:06:17,020 Oh, yes, You see the asterisk down here? 121 00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,000 That is "with ghost," 122 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,020 Uh-hmm, 123 00:06:20,020 --> 00:06:21,120 Oh, by the way, 124 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,100 are you set on any particular placement? 125 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,190 Placement? 126 00:06:25,190 --> 00:06:27,200 Well, there's your bedroom ghost, 127 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,100 your hall ghost, attic ghost-- 128 00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:32,130 we've had quite glut of attic ghosts, 129 00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:35,010 Well, that's not really important, Mr, Chichester, 130 00:06:35,010 --> 00:06:37,230 As a matter of fact I have a one-story 131 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:41,110 ranchito tract house just outside of Liverpool 132 00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:44,110 with a rumpus room ghost, 133 00:06:44,110 --> 00:06:46,010 But here, Canby Hall, 134 00:06:46,010 --> 00:06:48,150 now, this is your stairwell ghost, 135 00:06:48,150 --> 00:06:50,070 Will that do? 136 00:06:52,180 --> 00:06:54,120 Stairwell ghost, 137 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:57,050 Yes, I like that, 138 00:06:58,140 --> 00:07:00,090 Yes, that's perfect, 139 00:07:00,090 --> 00:07:01,220 Perfect ghost, 140 00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:04,070 That's the kind of thing that gives an agent 141 00:07:04,070 --> 00:07:07,180 a splendid sense of accomplishment, 142 00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:09,070 Just one moment, 143 00:07:12,050 --> 00:07:15,110 I will put Mrs, Canby's address 144 00:07:15,110 --> 00:07:16,210 on the top of the lease forms, 145 00:07:16,210 --> 00:07:19,110 and then if you want to extend past a month, 146 00:07:19,110 --> 00:07:22,100 you can write to her direct in Brighton, 147 00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:23,210 Mr, Chichester, 148 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,230 why doesn't she live at Canby hall? 149 00:07:25,230 --> 00:07:27,190 - Mrs, Canby? - Uh-hmm, 150 00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:30,190 Well, I suppose it's because of,,, 151 00:07:30,190 --> 00:07:34,040 Mr, Canby still being there, 152 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,120 so to speak, 153 00:07:37,050 --> 00:07:40,020 You won't mind, will you, Mr, Travers, 154 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:42,140 Mr, Canby being a ghost 155 00:07:42,140 --> 00:07:45,140 for such a relatively short time? 156 00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:48,130 You see, I feel from my professional judgment 157 00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:50,010 that he is going to do an excellent job 158 00:07:50,010 --> 00:07:52,020 of spooking around, 159 00:07:52,020 --> 00:07:54,020 He's got what it takes, 160 00:07:54,020 --> 00:07:55,120 What makes you say that? 161 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,210 Well, he's a skinflint, 162 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,150 restless nature, 163 00:07:59,150 --> 00:08:01,120 brutal in his business deals, 164 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,070 tenacious, 165 00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:06,130 There's no way his widow could take up residence there, 166 00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:09,220 particularly after he groused at the way 167 00:08:09,220 --> 00:08:12,170 she broke his will, 168 00:08:12,170 --> 00:08:15,170 She got every farthing, that woman, 169 00:08:15,170 --> 00:08:17,040 There is nothing worse 170 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,140 than a couple squabbling 171 00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:22,020 after death has cheerfully 172 00:08:22,020 --> 00:08:23,160 pried them apart, 173 00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:27,090 Yes, that would be awful, 174 00:08:44,030 --> 00:08:46,220 IRIS: Well, these gardens are an absolute mess, 175 00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:49,010 Our ghost does not have a green thumb, 176 00:08:49,010 --> 00:08:50,020 you know what I mean? 177 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,120 Oh, I like that, 178 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:59,140 What a splendid entrance I can make, 179 00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:02,010 I can really sweep down these stairs, 180 00:09:02,010 --> 00:09:03,090 you know what I mean, Ellis? 181 00:09:03,090 --> 00:09:05,010 Yes, my dear, 182 00:09:05,010 --> 00:09:06,210 I visualized you at the very foot of it 183 00:09:06,210 --> 00:09:08,090 the moment I saw the photos, 184 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,100 ( tapping ) 185 00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,050 That marble must be two inches thick, 186 00:09:13,050 --> 00:09:14,220 That's quality construction, 187 00:09:16,170 --> 00:09:21,080 Obviously, Canby can't take the credit for it, no, 188 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,060 This place has been in some earl's family for years, 189 00:09:24,060 --> 00:09:27,030 Canby pinned him to the wall on some business deal, 190 00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:28,180 dragged him through the courts until he got everything, 191 00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:30,060 including this place, 192 00:09:30,060 --> 00:09:32,160 And Canby, why is he a ghost? 193 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,090 The very day Canby was dispossessing him, 194 00:09:35,090 --> 00:09:37,220 the earl's young wife, pregnant at the time, 195 00:09:37,220 --> 00:09:39,210 either fell or hurled herself 196 00:09:39,210 --> 00:09:41,200 down these very steps, 197 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,030 He grieved for about a year, 198 00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,170 and then the earl shot Canby dead, 199 00:09:45,170 --> 00:09:47,210 Well, who says Canby's a ghost now? 200 00:09:47,210 --> 00:09:49,160 ELLIS: Mrs, Canby, Tried staying here, 201 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,120 lasted just a week, apparent-- 202 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,220 ( screaming ) 203 00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:57,040 IRIS: Oh! Oh,,, 204 00:09:58,070 --> 00:10:00,070 Iris? 205 00:10:00,070 --> 00:10:02,180 Ohh, 206 00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:05,000 - Come on, we'll go slowly, - No, no, 207 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,160 Our bedroom's at the top of the stairs, 208 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:09,090 No, I'll be all right, in a minute, 209 00:10:09,090 --> 00:10:11,030 Look, I'll give the local doc a call, 210 00:10:11,030 --> 00:10:13,130 No, I've already seen a doctor, Ellis, 211 00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:14,230 Look, it doesn't hurt to have somebody 212 00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:17,010 in the neighborhood know about these spells, 213 00:10:17,010 --> 00:10:18,130 Oh, 214 00:10:18,130 --> 00:10:19,180 Better? 215 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,230 Okay, hon, 216 00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:35,010 ( snoring ) 217 00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:39,050 You just pick it up 218 00:10:39,050 --> 00:10:41,110 and talk into it, love, 219 00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:43,140 and that little wire coming out of it 220 00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:46,040 goes into a lot of other wires, 221 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,140 and pretty soon one of them 222 00:10:47,140 --> 00:10:50,190 comes right into my apartment, 223 00:10:50,190 --> 00:10:52,200 and then I have you on the phone, 224 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:56,050 and I can hear your sweet voice, 225 00:10:56,050 --> 00:10:58,100 and stop cursing your bloody guts for leaving me 226 00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:00,130 hanging for three whole days, 227 00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:02,150 Sherry, darling, we'd been moving 228 00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:04,080 and I couldn't get over, 229 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,100 I did call you, pigeon, 230 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,050 but you were running around somewhere, 231 00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:10,170 I was running around? 232 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,120 Oh, I like that, 233 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:16,090 Sitting here and moaning for you, 234 00:11:16,090 --> 00:11:19,030 and you think because I'm out to Lyon's for a cake 235 00:11:19,030 --> 00:11:22,210 I'm running around, Oh, lovey, 236 00:11:22,210 --> 00:11:25,210 aren't we ever gonna trip off to Cannes 237 00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:29,140 and stew in that super sun? 238 00:11:29,140 --> 00:11:31,160 Just hang on a bit, can't you? 239 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,150 We've almost got a settlement worked out, 240 00:11:34,150 --> 00:11:36,070 SHERRY: You've been talking about that divorce 241 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:38,000 for weeks, Ellis, 242 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,210 Can't you speed it up? 243 00:11:39,210 --> 00:11:42,160 No, I can't hurry it up, It's not-- 244 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,210 it's not an easy business for me, 245 00:11:44,210 --> 00:11:46,170 It's takes careful planning, 246 00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:48,130 It's not my money, 247 00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:53,010 Sherry, 248 00:11:53,010 --> 00:11:55,180 two thousand a month-- 249 00:11:55,180 --> 00:11:57,150 that's worth waiting for, 250 00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:00,210 Yes, Yes, I'll try, 251 00:12:00,210 --> 00:12:02,070 Bye, lovey, 252 00:12:11,110 --> 00:12:13,100 ( screaming ) 253 00:12:15,150 --> 00:12:17,030 IRIS: Ellis! 254 00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:18,070 Ellis! 255 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:20,070 Ellis! Ellis! 256 00:12:20,070 --> 00:12:21,080 ( screaming ) 257 00:12:23,220 --> 00:12:24,230 Iris, 258 00:12:26,110 --> 00:12:29,030 It dragged me, Something dragged me here, 259 00:12:29,030 --> 00:12:30,140 Sweetheart, maybe you were just walking 260 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:33,050 - in your sleep, - No, there were hands, 261 00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:36,050 I'm almost sure I felt hands, 262 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,230 Well, she seems perfectly all right, Mr, Travers, 263 00:12:40,230 --> 00:12:43,000 Possibly it's just the excitement of moving 264 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,100 into a new place, 265 00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:47,080 What is it, Doctor? 266 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,120 I don't know who looked at your wife 267 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,160 in the past, Mr, Travers, 268 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,040 but it's not just 269 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,100 a simple case of vertigo, 270 00:12:53,100 --> 00:12:56,030 Huh, We were assured it wasn't anything serious, 271 00:12:56,030 --> 00:12:57,070 By whom? 272 00:12:57,070 --> 00:12:59,100 A specialist, The inner ear-- 273 00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:01,150 it's called Meniere's syndrome, 274 00:13:01,150 --> 00:13:03,230 It makes you dizzy sometimes, but certainly nothing dangerous, 275 00:13:03,230 --> 00:13:05,150 Well, that's true enough, Mr, Travers, 276 00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:08,020 but this I something else, 277 00:13:08,020 --> 00:13:10,040 a larger deterioration, 278 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,100 quite another problem, 279 00:13:12,100 --> 00:13:14,100 It,,, 280 00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:18,040 It struck my sister in much the same way, 281 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,030 We'll do a biopsy, of course, 282 00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:21,170 and we won't say anything about it yet, 283 00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:25,000 But, uh, realistically, 284 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,000 I'm afraid she hasn't long to live, 285 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:30,150 How long? 286 00:13:30,150 --> 00:13:33,030 Well, Luisa-- that's my sister-- 287 00:13:33,030 --> 00:13:35,110 lasted eight months, 288 00:13:35,110 --> 00:13:39,030 Pain wasn't too bad and she spent the time well, 289 00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:41,060 but it's hard enough, 290 00:13:41,060 --> 00:13:43,000 this kind of tragedy, 291 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,130 It changes one's plans so much, 292 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:50,040 Yes,,, 293 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,110 doesn't it? 294 00:13:53,090 --> 00:13:56,070 ( whistling cheerful melody ) 295 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:04,070 ( whistling continues ) 296 00:14:08,170 --> 00:14:10,100 Feeling better, love? 297 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:13,110 My back is killing me, 298 00:14:13,110 --> 00:14:16,160 This mattress feels like it's stuffed with sand, 299 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,210 you know what I mean? 300 00:14:17,210 --> 00:14:19,120 Uh-hmm, 301 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,230 Well, if you'll excuse me, love, 302 00:14:21,230 --> 00:14:23,200 I'm doing the steak for myself, 303 00:14:29,210 --> 00:14:31,040 ( door closes ) 304 00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:36,160 ( phone ringing ) 305 00:14:41,190 --> 00:14:43,200 ( ringing ) 306 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,210 ( ringing ) 307 00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:12,160 - MAN: Sherry? - Oh, Ellis? 308 00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:20,040 A) I am keeping my promise, 309 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,170 B) It'll only be for a few more months, 310 00:15:22,170 --> 00:15:24,140 No, ducky, 311 00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:27,080 not even a few more hours, 312 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,230 What do you mean? 313 00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:31,080 A) Forget it, Ellis, 314 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,160 B) Don't worry your little head 315 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,040 about a single thing, because: 316 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:40,030 C) It's all over, ducky, 317 00:15:57,070 --> 00:15:58,100 Ellis? 318 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,190 - Yes? - What's the matter? 319 00:16:10,190 --> 00:16:11,180 Nothing, 320 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,050 Nothing anymore, 321 00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:17,130 ( screaming ) 322 00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:22,020 ( Iris screaming ) 323 00:16:22,020 --> 00:16:23,080 ( thud ) 324 00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:27,050 Iris? 325 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,220 MALE VOICE: Mr, Travers? 326 00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,070 It's just a bill for services rendered, 327 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:45,150 A slight push, 328 00:16:45,150 --> 00:16:47,140 I don't need any services, 329 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,050 Mr, Canby? 330 00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,220 But you asked for them, 331 00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:53,050 Steep staircase, 332 00:16:53,050 --> 00:16:54,110 marble steps, 333 00:16:54,110 --> 00:16:55,150 dizzy spells on record 334 00:16:55,150 --> 00:16:56,220 with the good Dr, Crown, 335 00:16:56,220 --> 00:16:59,120 Well, it was obvious even to a ghost, 336 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,010 It's nothing you can't afford, 337 00:17:02,010 --> 00:17:04,050 only two thousand a month 338 00:17:04,050 --> 00:17:06,190 - for life, - No, 339 00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:08,180 Oh, come, come, come, come, 340 00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:11,070 But you said the figure yourself, 341 00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:13,030 I wasn't gonna go through with it, 342 00:17:13,030 --> 00:17:15,180 I was gonna wait till she died, I swear it, 343 00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:17,030 Well, I wasn't, 344 00:17:17,030 --> 00:17:18,180 I'm an impatient man, Mr, Travers, 345 00:17:18,180 --> 00:17:19,200 Here, 346 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,040 I caution you, 347 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,070 I have quite a reputation of hounding 348 00:17:25,070 --> 00:17:28,120 my creditors to death, 349 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,230 No, this is mad, 350 00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:33,100 What do you need money for? 351 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:36,030 A) I'm a man of my word, 352 00:17:36,030 --> 00:17:38,090 B) I've responsibilities, 353 00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:40,070 ELLIS: To whom? Your widow? 354 00:17:40,070 --> 00:17:41,200 She's in great shape, 355 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,200 No sweat, She's living in Brighton, 356 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,070 She's having a ball, 357 00:17:46,070 --> 00:17:47,190 Just ask Mr, Chichester, 358 00:17:47,190 --> 00:17:49,180 Oh, no, Mr, Travers, 359 00:17:49,180 --> 00:17:51,040 You see, my wife upset 360 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:53,000 the provisions of my will, 361 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,150 She troubled my afterlife, 362 00:17:55,150 --> 00:17:58,100 No, Mrs, Canby won't be getting another shilling 363 00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,030 from me--or you, 364 00:18:00,030 --> 00:18:02,000 The full address of the person 365 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,070 you'll make the payments to is on the top of this bill, 366 00:18:04,070 --> 00:18:06,210 She's living in Manchester, 367 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,220 She's a wonderful woman, 368 00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:10,200 I wouldn't go back on my promises to her 369 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,090 for anything in the world, 370 00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,110 not for anything, 371 00:18:13,110 --> 00:18:16,130 You see, Mr, Travers,,, 372 00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:19,090 I, too, had a bird on the side,,, 373 00:18:19,090 --> 00:18:20,180 like yourself, 374 00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:23,160 I'd do anything in the world for her, 375 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,210 Do you know what I mean? 376 00:18:24,210 --> 00:18:26,180 ( Canby laughing ) 377 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,200 ( bat screeching ) 378 00:19:42,090 --> 00:19:44,110 I gave at the office, 379 00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,090 Oh, 380 00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:54,220 Sorry, 381 00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:12,170 As our third selection, 382 00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:14,210 an item from the past, 383 00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:17,030 That uniquely American institution 384 00:20:17,030 --> 00:20:19,020 known as the pitchman, 385 00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:20,040 the wheeler and dealer 386 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,010 of magical nostrums 387 00:20:22,010 --> 00:20:23,160 guaranteed to cure, 388 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,090 to palliate, to bring back the glow of health 389 00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:28,190 to everything but a cadaver, 390 00:20:28,190 --> 00:20:31,020 Bottled dreams, if you will, 391 00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:32,080 Our painting is called: 392 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,020 Dr, Stringfellow's Rejuvenator, 393 00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:36,070 Drink hearty, 394 00:21:04,020 --> 00:21:06,160 ( beating drum ) 395 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,210 May I have your attention, ladies and gentlemen? 396 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:20,010 Your attention, please, 397 00:21:20,010 --> 00:21:21,120 Now I call your attention 398 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,170 to Dr, Stringfellow's Rejuvenator, 399 00:21:23,170 --> 00:21:26,030 a strengthening cordial that invigorates the stomach, 400 00:21:26,030 --> 00:21:28,080 stimulates the liver, regulates the kidneys, 401 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,030 and restores health and vitality of the blood, 402 00:21:31,030 --> 00:21:32,190 gives new life and vigor to all the tissues 403 00:21:32,190 --> 00:21:36,040 of the body, it promptly stops the diseases 404 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,160 to those organs peculiar to both male and female, 405 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,210 an absolute killer for eruptions of the skin, 406 00:21:40,210 --> 00:21:43,020 an excellent remedy for chills and dizziness 407 00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:44,110 and fevers of all kinds, 408 00:21:44,110 --> 00:21:46,050 Additionally, it stops cholera 409 00:21:46,050 --> 00:21:48,010 and all epidemic diseases, 410 00:21:48,010 --> 00:21:50,190 fevers of all kinds, particularly that great scourge 411 00:21:50,190 --> 00:21:52,230 yellow fever, It is the consumptive's 412 00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:56,030 great rejuvenator and purifier of all the world, 413 00:21:56,030 --> 00:21:57,180 strengthens and supports the system 414 00:21:57,180 --> 00:21:59,130 like bands of iron, 415 00:21:59,130 --> 00:22:02,030 Now ladies and gentlemen, in any sizable city, 416 00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:05,090 this remarkable rejuvenator could easily cost $10 a bottle, 417 00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:07,070 if it was available, The fact is, 418 00:22:07,070 --> 00:22:09,000 it is not available, I am its creator 419 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,110 and sole proprietor, And since I am a man 420 00:22:11,110 --> 00:22:13,060 who seeks not to profit from the pain, 421 00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:15,160 the misery, and the anguish of my fellow men, 422 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,020 I offer this to you at pennies 423 00:22:17,020 --> 00:22:18,200 more than its production cost, 424 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,050 One dollar a bottle, 425 00:22:20,050 --> 00:22:21,220 Six bottles for five dollars, 426 00:22:21,220 --> 00:22:23,070 But the supply is limited, 427 00:22:23,070 --> 00:22:24,160 I urge you to make haste 428 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,130 in making your purchases, 429 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,070 Uh, now my assistant will pass among you, 430 00:22:31,070 --> 00:22:33,090 And remember, no jostling, please, 431 00:22:33,090 --> 00:22:36,060 and only six bottles to one costumer, 432 00:22:36,060 --> 00:22:37,220 Try to make the right change, dummy, 433 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:06,050 ( no audible dialogue ) 434 00:23:24,110 --> 00:23:25,140 Hmm, 435 00:23:28,060 --> 00:23:30,110 Now, before I find out how much money we've lost 436 00:23:30,110 --> 00:23:33,190 because you don't know how to add and subtract, 437 00:23:33,190 --> 00:23:37,030 who was that you were talking to out there? 438 00:23:37,030 --> 00:23:38,210 I don't know who he was, 439 00:23:38,210 --> 00:23:42,020 You don't know? He was asking questions 440 00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:44,150 - and you were answering him, - Well, he just,,, 441 00:23:44,150 --> 00:23:46,170 - Yes, he just asked who I was, 442 00:23:46,170 --> 00:23:48,110 and where I'm from, and what's in the medicine 443 00:23:48,110 --> 00:23:49,200 that we've been selling, 444 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,130 And you don't know who he was? 445 00:23:51,130 --> 00:23:54,050 No sir, I don't, 446 00:23:54,050 --> 00:23:55,120 Besides, all he wanted to know 447 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,110 was how long we was gonna be here, 448 00:23:57,110 --> 00:23:59,060 And you told him what? 449 00:23:59,060 --> 00:24:00,180 I told him-- 450 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,220 I told him I didn't know, 451 00:24:06,190 --> 00:24:07,230 Well, 452 00:24:07,230 --> 00:24:10,190 a revelation at last, 453 00:24:10,190 --> 00:24:13,050 The big hairless gawk finally came up 454 00:24:13,050 --> 00:24:15,150 with the right response, 455 00:24:15,150 --> 00:24:17,190 Well, I'll tell you something about those desert dwellers 456 00:24:17,190 --> 00:24:19,110 out there, and, for that matter, 457 00:24:19,110 --> 00:24:20,210 all the citizenry of the soil 458 00:24:20,210 --> 00:24:23,000 in every burg on this earth, 459 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,230 They got very short tempers and long memories, 460 00:24:25,230 --> 00:24:27,190 and that combination can send a man out 461 00:24:27,190 --> 00:24:29,070 into the night on a greasy pole 462 00:24:29,070 --> 00:24:32,020 with equal amounts of tar and feathers, 463 00:24:32,020 --> 00:24:34,050 ( knocking on door ) 464 00:24:34,050 --> 00:24:37,080 All right, Gently, Goliath, gently, 465 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,080 Wipe that guilty look off your face 466 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,130 and see who's at the door, 467 00:24:45,010 --> 00:24:46,230 ( door opens ) 468 00:24:46,230 --> 00:24:48,120 MAN: Can I see Dr, Stringfellow? 469 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,090 That would be me, sir, 470 00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:51,110 I was wondering if maybe-- 471 00:24:51,110 --> 00:24:52,200 Well, come in, come in, 472 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,080 No need to stand out in the desert sun 473 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,210 and addle your brains, 474 00:24:56,210 --> 00:24:58,040 Here, sit down, 475 00:25:01,180 --> 00:25:04,120 Now, how can I be of service to you? 476 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,100 I got a sick kid, 477 00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:07,210 real sick, 478 00:25:07,210 --> 00:25:09,180 There are no doctors around here 479 00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:11,170 and then I saw your wagon 480 00:25:11,170 --> 00:25:14,040 - and you call yourself,,, - A doctor, Yes, 481 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:16,220 I have a medical degree from the Vienna Academy 482 00:25:16,220 --> 00:25:19,140 and several other equally prestigious universities, 483 00:25:19,140 --> 00:25:22,040 Could-could you look at her? 484 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:23,070 She's in terrible pain 485 00:25:23,070 --> 00:25:24,130 and I ain't got no medicine 486 00:25:24,130 --> 00:25:26,020 or anything, 487 00:25:30,030 --> 00:25:31,130 Well, unfortunately, 488 00:25:31,130 --> 00:25:33,130 I've retired from private practice, 489 00:25:33,130 --> 00:25:35,210 I got money, doc, 490 00:25:35,210 --> 00:25:37,230 I was saving it up for a new plow 491 00:25:37,230 --> 00:25:40,090 or some fixin' on the barn, 492 00:25:40,090 --> 00:25:42,220 Well, it's not a question of money, 493 00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:45,210 No, I never heal for profit, 494 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:49,020 Oh, perhaps if I just took a look at her 495 00:25:49,020 --> 00:25:51,110 maybe I could prescribe something, 496 00:25:51,110 --> 00:25:52,220 I'd be obliged to you, doc, 497 00:25:52,220 --> 00:25:54,180 I really would, 498 00:25:54,180 --> 00:25:56,040 Her ma died a little over a year ago 499 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,120 and her sister the year before that, 500 00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,210 so she's all I got, 501 00:26:00,230 --> 00:26:02,130 Yeah, yes, yes, indeed, 502 00:26:02,130 --> 00:26:03,200 Indeed, 503 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,190 Well, Rolpho, be a good lad 504 00:26:05,190 --> 00:26:07,200 and hand me a bottle of that rejuvenator, 505 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,180 will you? 506 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,000 ( wind whistling ) 507 00:26:14,210 --> 00:26:17,010 This won't take long, 508 00:26:27,090 --> 00:26:29,070 GIRL: Pa? 509 00:26:29,070 --> 00:26:31,040 Pa, is that you? 510 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,230 It's me, honey, 511 00:26:34,070 --> 00:26:35,150 I brung this good doctor here 512 00:26:35,150 --> 00:26:37,220 and he's gonna make you well, 513 00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:41,070 Oh, it hurts so terrible, Pa, 514 00:26:41,070 --> 00:26:44,220 It hurts so terrible bad, 515 00:26:44,220 --> 00:26:47,080 Where's the pain, child? 516 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,020 Right here,,, 517 00:26:50,020 --> 00:26:52,060 but growing, 518 00:26:52,060 --> 00:26:53,100 Growing all over, 519 00:26:55,060 --> 00:26:58,110 It's an abdominal disorder, 520 00:26:58,110 --> 00:26:59,180 What can you do, doc? 521 00:26:59,180 --> 00:27:03,090 Is there any way you can stop that pain? 522 00:27:03,090 --> 00:27:04,150 Well, you just give her a tablespoon 523 00:27:04,150 --> 00:27:06,080 of this rejuvenator every two hours 524 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,000 and it oughta start to 525 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,040 take effect by morning, 526 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:11,170 And it'll cure her? 527 00:27:11,170 --> 00:27:12,220 Oh, without a doubt, sir, 528 00:27:12,220 --> 00:27:14,160 Yes, without a doubt, 529 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:17,060 You just give her the,,, dosage I've prescribed 530 00:27:17,060 --> 00:27:19,150 and well, she ought to be all right 531 00:27:19,150 --> 00:27:21,110 early next week, 532 00:27:21,110 --> 00:27:23,090 MAN: God bless you, doc, 533 00:27:25,170 --> 00:27:27,210 Oh, just a dollar for the rejuvenator 534 00:27:27,210 --> 00:27:30,060 and a small honorarium 535 00:27:30,060 --> 00:27:31,140 for my time, 536 00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:43,230 It's Dr, Stringfellow, 537 00:27:43,230 --> 00:27:46,040 I'm afraid that you have the advantage, sir, 538 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:47,130 Doubtful, 539 00:27:47,130 --> 00:27:50,110 I ran out of advantages a long time ago, 540 00:27:50,110 --> 00:27:52,020 But the name is Snyder, 541 00:27:52,020 --> 00:27:55,080 It used to be Dr, Snyder, 542 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:56,120 Snyder, 543 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:58,010 Snyder, 544 00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,110 Oh, yes, I knew a Dr, Snyder 545 00:28:00,110 --> 00:28:01,130 at the Paris Institute 546 00:28:01,130 --> 00:28:03,040 when I was studying there, 547 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,010 Oh, and another Snyder, 548 00:28:05,010 --> 00:28:06,040 a colleague of mine 549 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,160 when I was called to Bulgaria 550 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,130 to perform surgery on-- - Ha ha ha ha ha! 551 00:28:14,100 --> 00:28:16,170 I'm afraid that your humor eludes me, sir, 552 00:28:16,170 --> 00:28:18,170 Oh, does it? 553 00:28:18,170 --> 00:28:20,130 Now let me tell you something, 554 00:28:20,130 --> 00:28:22,090 Dr, Stringfellow, 555 00:28:22,090 --> 00:28:23,140 That little girl there 556 00:28:23,140 --> 00:28:25,100 in the wagon bathed in sweat, 557 00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:27,170 if the pain is on the right side, 558 00:28:27,170 --> 00:28:29,030 it's appendix, 559 00:28:29,030 --> 00:28:31,110 And if the face is gray 560 00:28:31,110 --> 00:28:33,030 and the pain is insufferable, 561 00:28:33,030 --> 00:28:35,150 then it's probably peritonitis, 562 00:28:35,150 --> 00:28:37,080 And if it is the appendix 563 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,070 and it's been going on for a week, 564 00:28:39,070 --> 00:28:41,030 all that's needed now is a shovel 565 00:28:41,030 --> 00:28:43,090 and a small plot of earth, 566 00:28:45,060 --> 00:28:47,110 Diagnosis by a drunk, 567 00:28:47,110 --> 00:28:49,180 Doubtless, but with a far sight 568 00:28:49,180 --> 00:28:51,010 more truth than the labels 569 00:28:51,010 --> 00:28:53,070 on those bottles of yours, 570 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,100 Nine dollars, 571 00:29:28,100 --> 00:29:31,190 Traveled 300 miles for $9, 572 00:29:33,190 --> 00:29:35,120 What about that little girl? 573 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:36,140 What little girl? 574 00:29:36,140 --> 00:29:39,200 Oh, that little girl, 575 00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:45,060 That little girl will be dead within 48 hours, 576 00:29:45,060 --> 00:29:48,130 Said demise can hardly be considered a testimonial 577 00:29:48,130 --> 00:29:51,220 for Dr, Stringfellow's Rejuvenator, 578 00:29:51,220 --> 00:29:53,090 so right after supper, 579 00:29:53,090 --> 00:29:55,170 we'll be on our way, 580 00:29:55,170 --> 00:29:58,130 Hopefully, be 50 miles from here 581 00:29:58,130 --> 00:30:01,200 before the sad event takes place, 582 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:05,010 Couldn't you do nothing for her? 583 00:30:05,010 --> 00:30:07,110 Nothing short of a resurrection, 584 00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:11,170 ROLPHO: What's a resurrection? 585 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,170 The bringing back of the dead, 586 00:30:15,170 --> 00:30:17,140 ROLPHO: Could you do that? 587 00:30:17,140 --> 00:30:19,230 Could you bring her back from the dead? 588 00:30:19,230 --> 00:30:22,210 My dear moonstruck boy, 589 00:30:22,210 --> 00:30:24,030 If there was enough money in it 590 00:30:24,030 --> 00:30:26,170 I would give it one powerful try, 591 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:30,180 And this would be a night for it, 592 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,050 Oh, bartender, another bottle of this, 593 00:31:17,130 --> 00:31:19,010 Two dollars, 594 00:31:20,150 --> 00:31:22,050 Sheesh, 595 00:31:22,050 --> 00:31:25,060 Swill that passes itself off as whisky, 596 00:31:25,060 --> 00:31:27,090 Hmm, 597 00:31:27,090 --> 00:31:30,000 Two dollars to curdle your insides, 598 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,130 It's a lot better than the stuff we sell, 599 00:31:34,130 --> 00:31:36,050 What did you say? 600 00:31:36,050 --> 00:31:37,120 Oh, nothin', 601 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:40,110 No, go on, Rolpho, 602 00:31:40,110 --> 00:31:42,060 Passing judgment perhaps? 603 00:31:42,060 --> 00:31:45,110 Some critical comment on something or other 604 00:31:45,110 --> 00:31:47,000 that you've dredged up 605 00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:50,050 out of that thin ditch you call a brain? 606 00:31:50,050 --> 00:31:53,000 Well, it's just that you keep on 607 00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:55,090 telling them people it cures all them things, 608 00:31:55,090 --> 00:31:59,010 all them sicksnesses and diseases, 609 00:32:00,030 --> 00:32:02,140 Even that sick little girl, 610 00:32:02,140 --> 00:32:04,150 And all it is is just a little caramel color, 611 00:32:04,150 --> 00:32:06,130 a little wood alcohol, 612 00:32:06,130 --> 00:32:07,210 and a little burnt cork-- 613 00:32:07,210 --> 00:32:09,070 it don't seem fair, 614 00:32:11,100 --> 00:32:13,080 You just don't understand, 615 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,210 do you, Rolpho? 616 00:32:15,210 --> 00:32:18,110 All right, so it doesn't cure dyspepsia, 617 00:32:18,110 --> 00:32:20,120 it has no effects on boils 618 00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:21,140 or yellow fever 619 00:32:21,140 --> 00:32:23,100 or the dropsies, 620 00:32:23,100 --> 00:32:25,180 So what? 621 00:32:25,180 --> 00:32:29,150 Do you know what's in Dr, String's Rejuvenator? 622 00:32:29,150 --> 00:32:30,180 Uh-uh, 623 00:32:30,180 --> 00:32:32,170 Dreams, 624 00:32:32,170 --> 00:32:35,050 It should be on the label, 625 00:32:35,050 --> 00:32:37,100 One part wishful thinking, 626 00:32:37,100 --> 00:32:39,170 one part ignorance, 627 00:32:39,170 --> 00:32:42,020 and one part the sweat of little men 628 00:32:42,020 --> 00:32:44,010 who seek immortality and are dumb enough 629 00:32:44,010 --> 00:32:45,230 to think it can be bottled, 630 00:32:47,150 --> 00:32:50,010 I should be getting a hundred dollars a swallow 631 00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:53,040 for that stuff, and a medal at the same time, 632 00:32:54,130 --> 00:32:57,070 Because I give hope 633 00:32:57,070 --> 00:32:58,190 to the hopeless, 634 00:32:58,190 --> 00:33:01,000 dreams to the dreamless, 635 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,080 an illusion of health 636 00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,160 to all the poor, 637 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,030 doomed yokels that have a dollar 638 00:33:07,030 --> 00:33:09,220 in their jeans, 639 00:33:09,220 --> 00:33:12,020 You see, I let them get a little peek 640 00:33:12,020 --> 00:33:14,160 over the pigsty, 641 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,200 get a view of heaven, 642 00:33:16,200 --> 00:33:17,230 Hmm? 643 00:33:30,030 --> 00:33:32,110 Doc, she's so weak, 644 00:33:32,110 --> 00:33:34,120 She can't hardly say anything now, 645 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,060 She just lies there 646 00:33:36,060 --> 00:33:38,140 whimperin' with the pain, 647 00:33:38,140 --> 00:33:40,200 And she's hardly breathing, 648 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:43,000 Take some advice, my friend, 649 00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,130 Keep her covered and warm, 650 00:33:45,130 --> 00:33:48,140 Give her enough whisky to make her numb 651 00:33:48,140 --> 00:33:51,100 and find a reverend, 652 00:33:51,100 --> 00:33:53,200 You told me she'd be well again! 653 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:56,040 Who the hell do you think he is, 654 00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:57,090 Saint Francis? 655 00:33:57,090 --> 00:33:59,020 This is a medicine man, mister, 656 00:33:59,020 --> 00:34:01,140 He'll break your heart for a 50-cent piece, 657 00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,130 What am I gonna do? 658 00:34:03,130 --> 00:34:04,150 What about my kid? 659 00:34:04,150 --> 00:34:06,150 What am I gonna do? 660 00:34:06,150 --> 00:34:08,020 She's lying out there in the buckboard 661 00:34:08,020 --> 00:34:10,040 dying an inch at a time, 662 00:34:14,190 --> 00:34:17,080 Rolpho, go get me another bottle 663 00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:19,060 of the rejuvenator, 664 00:34:19,060 --> 00:34:21,020 My dear God, haven't you,,, 665 00:34:21,020 --> 00:34:23,140 Rolpho, go do what I told you, 666 00:34:25,180 --> 00:34:29,080 - If you think for one-- - Be quiet, Dr, Snyder! 667 00:34:32,060 --> 00:34:34,100 Dr, Snyder here is the protector 668 00:34:34,100 --> 00:34:37,020 of the common good, 669 00:34:37,020 --> 00:34:39,040 a drunk, and a sot, 670 00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:40,150 and an unhealed healer, 671 00:34:40,150 --> 00:34:43,040 but he claims to speak 672 00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:45,170 for the speechless, 673 00:34:45,170 --> 00:34:47,150 You know what I do, brother? 674 00:34:47,150 --> 00:34:49,100 I sell faith, 675 00:34:49,100 --> 00:34:51,190 I am gonna give that child of yours enough belief 676 00:34:51,190 --> 00:34:54,060 so that she can kick her way out of a pine coffin 677 00:34:54,060 --> 00:34:56,080 if she needs to be, do you understand me? 678 00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:59,040 If that child crosses over into the shadows, 679 00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,160 I am gonna bring her back to life, 680 00:35:03,130 --> 00:35:06,050 Now,,,you go get her, 681 00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:20,190 Why don't you just bushwhack him 682 00:35:20,190 --> 00:35:23,010 out there in the storm? 683 00:35:23,010 --> 00:35:25,140 Knife him for his wallet, 684 00:35:25,140 --> 00:35:27,090 Compared to what you're doing, 685 00:35:27,090 --> 00:35:30,140 that would be an act of Christian charity, 686 00:35:33,010 --> 00:35:35,000 For a soused-up wreck, you've got a lot of judgments 687 00:35:35,000 --> 00:35:37,190 in you, haven't you? 688 00:35:37,190 --> 00:35:39,190 Well, for the moment, why don't you just go back 689 00:35:39,190 --> 00:35:41,100 to your bottle and shut up? 690 00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:46,030 Or better, 691 00:35:46,030 --> 00:35:47,190 you go out to that mournful man 692 00:35:47,190 --> 00:35:49,070 and read him some Latin 693 00:35:49,070 --> 00:35:52,000 out of the medical books, 694 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,080 Or you tell him with the charts 695 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:58,030 how irrevocable death is,,, 696 00:35:58,030 --> 00:36:00,230 and then see who he believes, hmm? 697 00:36:00,230 --> 00:36:03,090 You,,,or me? 698 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:14,090 ( wind whistling ) 699 00:37:02,030 --> 00:37:05,150 - She's dead, - Hmm, 700 00:37:05,150 --> 00:37:08,160 Another of your razor-sharp perceptions, huh? 701 00:37:09,190 --> 00:37:13,010 But,,,not an unworthy effort 702 00:37:13,010 --> 00:37:14,230 on my part, 703 00:37:14,230 --> 00:37:17,040 I just took the long shot, 704 00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:18,210 If she'd lived, they'd be speaking my name 705 00:37:18,210 --> 00:37:21,110 down at the Texas border, 706 00:37:21,110 --> 00:37:23,100 Well, let's go, Rolpho, 707 00:37:23,100 --> 00:37:24,210 There are other towns, 708 00:37:24,210 --> 00:37:26,010 other sheep, 709 00:37:30,210 --> 00:37:33,050 You're leaving us, doctor? 710 00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,000 Well, I'm a travelin' man, 711 00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,050 And you'll never run out of places 712 00:37:39,050 --> 00:37:41,030 to travel to, will you? 713 00:37:41,030 --> 00:37:44,080 Or poor ignorant people to rob, 714 00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:47,220 Deep pools of misery that you're wading into 715 00:37:47,220 --> 00:37:50,040 with your dirty feet, 716 00:37:51,220 --> 00:37:53,160 What a prince of a fellow 717 00:37:53,160 --> 00:37:56,060 you are, medicine man, 718 00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:01,110 But there's a service you perform, 719 00:38:01,110 --> 00:38:04,190 Whoever stands next to you, 720 00:38:04,190 --> 00:38:07,170 and it could be the Devil himself,,, 721 00:38:09,100 --> 00:38:12,080 you make him look like God, 722 00:39:14,210 --> 00:39:17,190 Is this a haunt or a resurrection? 723 00:39:23,020 --> 00:39:25,060 Did you kick yourself out of that pine box 724 00:39:25,060 --> 00:39:28,060 or are you some floating spirit 725 00:39:28,060 --> 00:39:31,100 come to point a finger at me? 726 00:39:34,020 --> 00:39:35,230 ( wind whistling ) 727 00:39:45,150 --> 00:39:47,130 Stay, 728 00:39:47,130 --> 00:39:48,190 Stay right where you are, child, 729 00:39:48,190 --> 00:39:50,200 Stay where you are! 730 00:39:56,160 --> 00:39:58,130 ( thud ) 731 00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,000 MAN: I just don't understand it, 732 00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:09,070 That sign missed him by a good foot, 733 00:40:09,070 --> 00:40:11,110 His heart just quit on him, I reckon, 734 00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:15,020 Well, I'll just leave you in here 735 00:40:15,020 --> 00:40:17,010 to pay your respects, 736 00:40:17,010 --> 00:40:19,000 Oh, bring the lantern when you come out, 737 00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:42,230 ROLPHO: Fool old man, 738 00:40:42,230 --> 00:40:45,080 thought you were smart, 739 00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,080 Turns out you be the dumbest of them all, 740 00:41:04,070 --> 00:41:05,150 What'd you do that for? 741 00:41:05,150 --> 00:41:07,180 Why not? 742 00:41:07,180 --> 00:41:10,090 Nothing in there worth anything, 743 00:41:12,010 --> 00:41:13,220 Nothing in there worth anything either, 744 00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:29,060 Our final selection this evening, 745 00:41:29,060 --> 00:41:31,090 an import from that other region, 746 00:41:31,090 --> 00:41:34,090 that infernal inferno down below, 747 00:41:34,090 --> 00:41:37,010 Offered to you now in living color 748 00:41:37,010 --> 00:41:39,130 and with a small scent of sulfur, 749 00:41:39,130 --> 00:41:40,220 Our painting is called 750 00:41:40,220 --> 00:41:43,110 Hell's Bells, 751 00:42:10,180 --> 00:42:12,140 ( tires squeal ) 752 00:42:28,220 --> 00:42:30,220 (echoing) Blasphemer! 753 00:42:30,220 --> 00:42:33,170 Liar! 754 00:42:33,170 --> 00:42:35,220 Parasite! 755 00:42:37,050 --> 00:42:39,020 Cynic! 756 00:42:39,020 --> 00:42:41,070 Cheat! 757 00:42:41,070 --> 00:42:43,120 Hypocrite! 758 00:42:43,120 --> 00:42:45,200 Thief! 759 00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,070 Idolater! 760 00:42:51,020 --> 00:42:53,020 ( fire crackling ) 761 00:44:12,140 --> 00:44:14,160 Slob! 762 00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:17,120 You are a slob! 763 00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:20,040 - Hey, lady, is this it? - Is this what? 764 00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:21,100 You know, hell, 765 00:44:21,100 --> 00:44:25,040 No, this is the waiting room, 766 00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:27,090 We're very rushed, 767 00:44:27,090 --> 00:44:29,140 They're sending too many people down here lately, 768 00:44:29,140 --> 00:44:31,110 I don't know what they expect us to do, 769 00:44:31,110 --> 00:44:34,120 You'll have to take your turn just like every-- 770 00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:38,100 I don't know what you think this is all about, young man, 771 00:44:38,100 --> 00:44:40,190 but this is no pig pen, 772 00:44:40,190 --> 00:44:43,230 Neat, You've got to be neat, 773 00:44:43,230 --> 00:44:45,230 Don't get uptight with me, lady, 774 00:44:45,230 --> 00:44:47,140 Fat lady! 775 00:44:47,140 --> 00:44:48,190 I'm hip, 776 00:44:50,060 --> 00:44:52,000 Uh,,, 777 00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:54,220 Fat Lady, all I was doing was driving my car,,, 778 00:44:54,220 --> 00:44:57,010 I don't have any time for discussions, 779 00:45:02,130 --> 00:45:04,180 Well, that's pretty far out, 780 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:09,180 So this is it, huh? 781 00:45:11,020 --> 00:45:14,090 Hell, Man, how bad can it be? 782 00:45:47,190 --> 00:45:50,010 ( sighs ) 783 00:45:50,010 --> 00:45:51,140 That's a trip, 784 00:45:51,140 --> 00:45:54,020 ( buzzing ) 785 00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:22,090 Unbelievable! 786 00:46:24,070 --> 00:46:26,080 Hey, Records, man, 787 00:46:27,100 --> 00:46:30,020 Maybe I can hear some music, 788 00:46:30,020 --> 00:46:32,200 Wow! That's the most fantastic stack of records 789 00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:34,050 I've ever seen, 790 00:46:34,050 --> 00:46:36,000 Maybe they got one of my groups here, 791 00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:38,220 ( old-fashioned music playing ) 792 00:46:47,220 --> 00:46:50,010 ( music continues ) 793 00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:03,210 Hey, can you do something about that music? 794 00:47:03,210 --> 00:47:05,120 Slob! 795 00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:09,220 ( music playing ) 796 00:47:13,150 --> 00:47:15,140 MAN: Nice weather for this time of year, 797 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:18,190 Hey, man, 798 00:47:18,190 --> 00:47:20,120 Am I glad to see you, 799 00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:21,170 I thought I was gonna have to wait 800 00:47:21,170 --> 00:47:22,210 alone in this room, 801 00:47:22,210 --> 00:47:24,150 Hey, can you tell me 802 00:47:24,150 --> 00:47:27,130 what time does the next group leave for Hell? 803 00:47:27,130 --> 00:47:30,060 Of course, it's colder than last Tuesday, 804 00:47:30,060 --> 00:47:32,110 but no point in worrying about that, 805 00:47:32,110 --> 00:47:35,110 It's warmer than it was two weeks ago come Thursday, 806 00:47:35,110 --> 00:47:37,060 Hey, you're right, man, That's beautiful, 807 00:47:37,060 --> 00:47:38,170 We got to talk about other things, 808 00:47:38,170 --> 00:47:40,060 Get our minds off this place 809 00:47:40,060 --> 00:47:42,180 and that music, Yeah, 810 00:47:42,180 --> 00:47:45,030 Hey, isn't that something about The Beatles splitting up? 811 00:47:45,030 --> 00:47:48,070 Best thing for beetles is tincture of arsenic, 812 00:47:48,070 --> 00:47:50,100 Of course, down in the farm, we used to use 813 00:47:50,100 --> 00:47:52,010 old-fashioned zinc powder, 814 00:47:52,010 --> 00:47:54,020 Rain'd wash it off, till Granddaddy 815 00:47:54,020 --> 00:47:56,010 mixed it with glue, 816 00:47:56,010 --> 00:47:58,180 No man, I'm talking about the group! 817 00:47:58,180 --> 00:48:01,020 Baby had the croup once, 818 00:48:01,020 --> 00:48:02,220 Grandma mixed up some camphor 819 00:48:02,220 --> 00:48:04,140 and boiled it in sulfur, 820 00:48:04,140 --> 00:48:06,030 Hey, you know something, man, 821 00:48:06,030 --> 00:48:07,060 you are boring, 822 00:48:07,060 --> 00:48:08,080 Yeah, 823 00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,130 You are a bore! 824 00:48:10,130 --> 00:48:12,230 This whole place is boring! 825 00:48:12,230 --> 00:48:14,150 Bummer! 826 00:48:14,150 --> 00:48:15,170 MAN: You're in luck, 827 00:48:15,170 --> 00:48:17,110 Yessiree, luck, 828 00:48:17,110 --> 00:48:19,010 Little woman here is gonna show you 829 00:48:19,010 --> 00:48:21,150 the 8,500 slides she took of our trip 830 00:48:21,150 --> 00:48:23,190 down to Tijuana, Mexico, 831 00:48:23,190 --> 00:48:24,210 How many slides? 832 00:48:24,210 --> 00:48:25,230 MAN: 8,500, 833 00:48:25,230 --> 00:48:27,090 Oh, no, man, no, 834 00:48:27,090 --> 00:48:29,040 Come on, I wanna see the Devil, 835 00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:30,120 Where are you, man?! 836 00:48:30,120 --> 00:48:32,140 Show your ugly face! 837 00:48:32,140 --> 00:48:34,220 Having a good time? 838 00:48:34,220 --> 00:48:37,100 - Are you the Devil? - I am, 839 00:48:37,100 --> 00:48:38,180 Hey, man, that's far out, 840 00:48:38,180 --> 00:48:41,010 I'll get the lights, dear, 841 00:48:42,160 --> 00:48:44,150 Hey, tell me, what is this put-on? 842 00:48:44,150 --> 00:48:46,040 I beg your pardon? 843 00:48:46,040 --> 00:48:47,200 No, I mean, how long are you gonna keep me 844 00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:48,220 in this dumb room? 845 00:48:48,220 --> 00:48:50,120 I mean, when do we go to Hell? 846 00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:52,150 The whips and the chains, the boiling oil, 847 00:48:52,150 --> 00:48:53,230 snakes, all that stuff? 848 00:48:53,230 --> 00:48:56,040 ( music playing ) 849 00:48:57,110 --> 00:48:59,140 This is it, 850 00:48:59,140 --> 00:49:00,200 What do you mean this is it? 851 00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,160 - This is Hell? - Yes, 852 00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:05,030 WOMAN: This first one I took 853 00:49:05,030 --> 00:49:07,140 from the freeway in San Diego, 854 00:49:07,140 --> 00:49:09,030 My dear boy, Hell is never 855 00:49:09,030 --> 00:49:10,180 what you expect it to be, 856 00:49:10,180 --> 00:49:13,030 But for you, this is it, 857 00:49:13,030 --> 00:49:14,180 Don't you like it? 858 00:49:14,180 --> 00:49:16,060 No, man, it's a downer, 859 00:49:16,060 --> 00:49:17,190 Yes, it is, isn't it? 860 00:49:17,190 --> 00:49:19,140 Of course, you can't see it too clearly 861 00:49:19,140 --> 00:49:21,220 because Greg was driving so fast, 862 00:49:21,220 --> 00:49:23,190 You know, it's a curious thing, 863 00:49:23,190 --> 00:49:26,180 but they have exactly the same room 864 00:49:26,180 --> 00:49:28,130 up there, 865 00:49:28,130 --> 00:49:31,160 What do you mean, that guy, those slide people? 866 00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:33,180 This wallpaper? 867 00:49:33,180 --> 00:49:35,000 They got that in heaven? 868 00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:36,070 Yes, you see, 869 00:49:36,070 --> 00:49:38,050 while this room is hell for you, 870 00:49:38,050 --> 00:49:39,200 absolute beastly hell, 871 00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:41,180 up there, the identical room 872 00:49:41,180 --> 00:49:44,200 is someone else's idea of heaven, 873 00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:46,030 Think about that, 874 00:49:47,210 --> 00:49:49,000 Bye, 875 00:49:50,210 --> 00:49:53,000 ( music playing ) 876 00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:55,190 No, Bummer, 877 00:49:55,190 --> 00:49:57,030 Bummer, 878 00:49:57,030 --> 00:49:59,120 Bummer, bummer, bummer! 879 00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:00,200 WOMAN: Now this one shows 880 00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:03,090 the new 747 on its way to Hawaii, 881 00:50:03,090 --> 00:50:05,090 No dear, that's a seagull, 882 00:50:05,090 --> 00:50:08,190 Oh, I thought it was one of those new 747s, 883 00:50:08,190 --> 00:50:10,130 Anyhow, here in the corner 884 00:50:10,130 --> 00:50:12,060 is part of the Navy shipyard, 885 00:50:12,060 --> 00:50:13,220 There was supposed to be an aircraft carrier, 886 00:50:13,220 --> 00:50:15,100 but I missed it, 887 00:50:15,100 --> 00:50:18,050 You can still see part of the anchor,,,, 888 00:50:24,050 --> 00:50:26,050 ( music playing ) 62275