All language subtitles for Moone Boy s03e04 Unidentified Feckin Objects.eng

[RADIO STATION JINGLE]

WOMAN:
[ON RADIO] And the weather

forecast today is
basically...rain.

MAN: [ON RADIO]
Lovely stuff, Wendy.

And here's a man
who has a lovely day, every day.

It's David Bowie!

Yes, you all smell.
The washing machine is broken.

So we're a big
stinky family, OK?

Thank God.
I thought it was just me.

I like that we all have
the same dank odour.

Like a group of otters.

SINEAD: Otters?

DEBRA: Just looking
for the positives.

A dessert storm? Yes, please!

That some
tasty-sounding weather.

Why can't I live in Iraq, Mam?

Nobody's stopping you.

I bet this whole Iraq thing
blows over within the month.

He's got such good
instincts on war.

Did you finish
the new sign, love?

Yeah, lettering's drying
outside in the garden.

MARTIN: Aliens in Boyle?
Yes, please!

This is the best
newspaper ever!

Crop circles my hole.

That's just this radio fella
infiltrating everybody's minds.

I bet it was UFOs
that broke the washing machine.

[DRAMATICALLY]
Or, it could be limescale.

Liam, before I forget,
the nursing home called.

We're behind on payments

- for Grandad.
- Ah, yeah.

I'll just wire over some funds
from my Swiss bank account.

[STARMAN BY
DAVID BOWIE PLAYING ON RADIO]

It's grand.
The money for the new sign will be in by Friday.

Is the new sign the one
that Martin's donkey is licking outside?

Ah, for feck's sake.

Right, I'm off to Iraq.

I'll just stay here and chat.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

? Dancing at the disco,
bumper to bumper

? Wait a minute,
where's me jumper?

? Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper?

? Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper? Oh, no ?

And then we have
Pluto over here.

Lovely big planet.

Which, obviously,
will always be a planet.

Hey,
Padraic, have you heard about this crop circle stuff?

[SCOFFS] Have I?

I don't know,
that's why I asked.

Yes, I have.
And I haven't been this excited

since I enlisted to fight
in Dessert Storm.

...the vast cosmic jacks
that is the sun...

Hey, d'you wanna go
to the magic field tonight

and see if
the aliens come back?

Do I!

I don't know, do you?

Yes, I do.

[SNIFFS]

Is your washing
machine broken, too?

Moone, whisht.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

[PHONE RINGS]

Yello? What? I can't...

Your voice is so fast
and high-pitched, I...

MAN:
Your donkey's in the bank.

I don't know what happened.
I'm really sorry about the mess.

Speaking of messes,

I was having a look
at your accounts there...

Yeah, it's been
a slow year, Kevin...

Not to worry, Liam.
At least one member of the Moones

is still making deposits.
[CHUCKLES]

Ah, ha.

Even if it's from his arse.
[LAUGHS]

Yes, got that, Kevin.

[EXHALES]

Come on, Donkey Kong. Come on.

[DONKEY BRAYS]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

MAN: Password?

Uh, yeah.
It's one, one, one, one, one.

Er, it's six digits, Gerry.

One.

[DOOR BUZZES]

I mean,
if it's a secret meeting, we

should take the sign down,
shouldn't we?

- Well. [CHUCKLES]
- Ah, Bonner.

- Glad you could make it.
- I'm sorry I'm late.

I made the mistake
of asking my boys

to wash my car for me.

Why'd that make you late?

Well,
they filled the petrol tank

with Fairy Liquid,
to spite me.

I take it you've
seen the paper?

- I have.
- It's a PR disaster, Gerry.

This whole UFO
nonsense is drowning out Boyle's clear tourism message.

[STAMMERING] You know,
I think that's still too pushy.

Tourists are not
going to come here

if the place is
littered with UFOs.

Now, they wanna go fishin',
or walkin', or even prayin'.

But they don't wanna
be feckin' abducted.

- GERRY: No, well...
- [ALL MURMURING]

Well, the murmurs of approval
seem to be with you, Mayor.

And, and it's sacrilegious.

There's no mention of Martians
in the Bible.

It's Adam and Eve,
not Adam and E.T.

MAYOR: Well,
you're right there, Father.

All right, this Doctor Gnot
has the whole town driven crazy

with his silly
little radio show.

Listen, what can we
do to stop him, huh?

Gerry, we are
the most powerful men in Boyle.

- MAN: That's right.
That's right. - And just outside of Boyle.

And we can do whatever
the feckin' hell we like.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

No, but I mean,
what specifically?

Let's shoot him dead.

Sorry, Frank, geez,
I didn't see you there.

Oh, sorry, I was in the bog.
Who're we talking about?

GNOT: [ON RADIO] Welcome back,
fellow earthlings,

to "Believe It or Not",
with Dr Steven Gnot.

Tonight we've asked,
"Are we alone?"

Is this tiny planet
of ours dancing solo in the giant disco of space?

I doubt it.

And so does... DeBurgh!

Oh, I can't wait to see
an alien in the flesh.

Or whatever it is they have.

Yeah.

ALIEN: Whee!

[LAUGHS]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- [LASER SHOT]
- Ah! Ah, my eye!

My precious,
sideways-opening eye!

Oh, here, take one of mine.

- I poo eyes.
- Ooh.

Where are these bloody aliens?

We've been here
nearly ten minutes.

It's time to break
out the big guns.

[SIGHS]

This should do the trick.

It won't come to that, Liam.

If they don't get his rent,

the nursing home will send Dad
back to his own house,

where he'll discover
baby Rose has taken his room.

And you know how he
feels about babies.

He calls them "flesh devils".

LIAM: So they'll
move back to the house,

and I'll have
to hide out here,

staring at my
bloody idle hands.

Yeah,
if there was only something

useful you could
do with your hands.

It's just hard to
look professional

when you're pulling an animal
out of a bank.

[PLAYING XYLOPHONE]

BOTH: ? Na na na na na!

? Na na na na na!

[THUNDER CRACKS]

MAN: ? Na na na na na!

That tune is pretty effective.

We come in peace.
Unless you're violent,

in which case,
we leave in haste.

No fear needed,
O fellow holders of inquisitive minds.

You sound like
that radio fella.

Your ears are as
sharp as your hat,

my tinfoiled friend.

We're looking for aliens.

I fear we are
a night too late.

Grand.
Think I'll head home, so.

Yeah,
my toes are catching a chill.

Yeah, me too.

Be not discouraged,
my intrepid young imagineers.

Though tonight
we have not been graced by the presence

of our galactic neighbours,

we are on the cusp
of a celestial street party

the likes of which
can only be imagi...

[THUNDER]

They... They've gone.

Oh, they've been taken up.

Oh, Steven,
you always bloody miss it!

[DISTANT XYLOPHONE]

PADRAIC AND MARTIN:
? Na na na na na

GNOT: Oh, there they are.
Stop being so hard on yourself, Steven.

Oh, I left
the bloody car lights on!

Good morning, Earth woman.

Good morning, Moone...boy.

That's actually
a pretty cool nickname. Wait, where's Donkey Kong?

Has he escaped again?

MARTIN: But I tied
him up really well.

Argh.

Bloody hell, Martin.
He's always escaping.

[FLATLY] Argh.

Frustrating...is what it is.

Have you seen my donkey,
mister?

He answers to
the name of Donkey Kong.

Or any name,
if you shout it at him loud enough.

Nah, I haven't seen him.

But I could do ya a deal
on a blind and deaf goat.

- No, thanks.
- OLD MAN: Your loss.

Whoa, whoa.
[WHISPERS] How good a deal?

I just can't believe
that he'd run away.

He was so happy here.

Seemed so excited
about our future together.

Unless...

You didn't get rid
of him, did you, Dad?

What? No, of course not.

I know how much
you love Donkey Kong.

He's my best friend
in the whole world.

Ouch. Ouch.

MARTIN: You swear?
You swear on your grave?

I don't have a grave, Martin.

Swear on Sinead's life, then.

Why do you always get him
to swear on my life?

Last in, first out.

Look,
I know it's hard, Martin, but sometimes things just...

- vanish.
- What?

Grown donkeys
don't just vanish. I smell a rat.

Ah, we all smell rats, though.
That's just the otter odour.

[SNIFFS]

This is me watching you.

With my fingers.

Stop looking at me like that.

Now they're
pointing over there. Oh, kettle!

GNOT:
[ON RADIO] So you've been hit

by lightning 17 times?
Remarkable.

You're like
a human lightning rod.

ROD: And it's especially odd,
because my name is Rod.

GNOT:
Rod, this is too mysterious.

Tell me,
what do you do for a living?

ROD: Oh, I fix TV aerials.
On mountain tops.

GNOT: No clues there.

More mysteries
when we return...

It's such a shame

that all of
these unusual events are in no way related.

[TWILIGHT ZONE THEME PLAYS]

It's all connected!

Yes!

By those red lines
you've just drawn.

Open my flippin' guts!

- I know where he is!
- Really?

My donkey was
abducted by aliens!

- [MUSIC ON RADIO]
- Hiya, Liam.

Gerry-atric! How's it hangin'?

Oh, long and limp, Liam.

But listen, I'm actually here
on a bit of business.

The Town Council are in talks

to get some new street signs
done this year.

Aw, that's great news, Ger.

Oh, yeah,
it'll be a real sign blitz.

I could use the money,
to be honest.

Well, here's the thing, Liam.

It looks like we're going
to have to go with

Chinese imports.

No.

Oh, don't, Liam, don't.
My heart

is already broke
with the guilt.

But the quality
is so poor, Ger.

You know
Drumshanbo tried them,

and the signs turned up
written in Chinese.

Oh, I love that song...

Well, thing is, we've
crunched the numbers, you see, Liam,

and your prices are a little
on the steep side, you know.

It would actually be cheaper
to get the whole town

to learn a little Mandarin.

What?

But fret not, Liam,
there may be a solution.

Anything, Ger.

I hear that your donkey
has been abducted by aliens.

- Jesus.
- Yeah, well, the Town Council

are a little worried
that tourists might be put off

if they think that Boyle
has been infested with UFOs.

Well, that makes sense.

Well,
they're an odd bunch, Liam, they're an odd bunch.

But I'm sure that if you
were able to subdue that UFO story...

You know what?
I might be able to, uh, pull a few strings, there.

No problem, Ger.

Hey, Martin, me old comrade.

Listen...

We need to talk
about the whole donkey thing.

Amazing, isn't it, Dad?
Front page.

What?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

MARTIN:
I preferred the picture

they used in
the New York Times.

MARTIN: I can't believe
they abducted my donkey

while I was actually
out looking for them.

I mean,
the one time we go out.

Feckin' donkey rustlers.
Wonder

what they're doing
to the poor fella.

Who knows. Maybe everything
in space is reversed. Hey...

Hey, what if Donkey
Kong is their ruler?

What say ye, donkey overlord?

Yea or nay?

Hmm. [SIGHS]

Well, I think we
know how that one goes.

Martin. Get in.

Come on, buddy.

What do I always say
about getting in strangers' cars?

That I should do it?

That's right.

Please don't kill him.

LINEHAN:
[ON RADIO] Aliens, Bigfoot, the Lough Key monster.

It's all silly silliness.

Brought to you
by Dr Steven Gnot.

GNOT: Actually, Father,
the big G is silent.

LINEHAN:
Big G will never be silenced.

So they're
really going to import signs from China?

I think Gerry can
swing it my way,

so long as Martin shuts up
about feckin' aliens.

GNOT: [ON RADIO] And now
for the counter-argument,

we have Martin Moone,
whose donkey

was recently
abducted by aliens.

MARTIN:
Thank you, Doctor, Father,

Mother,
whoever's listening really. Great to be here.

GNOT: So, tell us, Martin.

How do you know
that your donkey was abducted?

I just know.

Sometimes, ya just know.

Oh, so now you're
going on faith alone.

What kind of
belief system is that?

And didn't you
also see it happen?

Sure. Why not?

Uh, yes.

I did see it happen.

That's how I just know.

So now you saw it?

- Then enlighten us, Martin.
- Shh.

Tell us what happened.

That what we're about to do,

if you'll shut up.

I woke up in
the middle of the night,

and I decided to go for
walk in the garden.

MARTIN: [ON RADIO]
The ship soared down over our garden, then stopped.

- Slowly but suddenly.
- Whoosh.

Right over Donkey Kong.

A big massive UFO.
Lights everywhere.

[WHISPERING] But totally dark.

MARTIN:
But black as the night.

Emitting nothing
but a deafening hum.

[WHISPERING]
Which was completely silent.

Which made no sound at all.

[WHISPERING]
Which was confusing.

Oh, listen to his florid,
descriptive prose.

This is all your fault
for encouraging him to read.

MARTIN: And once
the donkey tractor beam

had consumed my majestic mule,

the heavenly craft
returned to the stars,

as silently and
loudly as it came.

[BLOWS AIR]

- [GLASS BREAKS]
- [THUDDING]

What the feck?

Hey, lads.

SEAN: And so it
was that Martin Moone became a celestial celebrity.

Well done for having
your donkey abducted, Moone.

I can't take all the credit,
lads.

The aliens did
their part, too.

He touched my hand!

[PHONE RINGS]

SEAN:
But fame came with a price.

6-2-2-4-7.

MAN: [ON PHONE]
We've got your dog.

Stop talking about UFOs
or we'll kill him.

I don't have a dog.

Yes, you do.

A little black
and white fella. Nametag says Benjy.

Aw, he sounds nice.
He's not mine, though.

Do you have any pets?

I have a donkey.

We're gonna get your donkey.

But he's already been abducted

by aliens.

Ah, for feck... [HANGS UP]

I was chatting
to Beijing, there, this morning, Liam.

They've a dozen 10-year-olds
with itchy fingers over there,

ready to go.

I told you, I'll handle
the UFO thing, don't worry.

Be sure you do, Moone.
This is a fine workshop.

It would be
a shame if anything were to happen to it.

[LAUGHS DRILY]

What does that mean?

Uh, general disrepair, Liam,
due to a lack of business.

[CHUCKLES]

[ALL LAUGH]

Why the laughing, lads?

[PENCILS CLATTER]

Oops.

Sorry about that, Liam.
Bloody work, huh?

See you at poker night.

Yeah, OK, thanks. Bye-bye.

So, the nursing home
has discharged Grandad.

He's back at his house.

[GROANS] Oh, God.

Dad, does that
mean he's better now?

[PHONE RINGS]

6-2-2-4-7.

MAN: [ON PHONE]
We've got your brother.

I don't have a brother.

[LINE GOES DEAD]

Oh.

Hi.

Sorry. Wrong house.

No, wait.
This is your house, Grandad.

Are you the squatters, then?

Kinda. We're family.

[THE EXORCIST THEME PLAYING]

[PHONE RINGS]

6-2-2-4-7.

CORMACK: Yeah,
hi, is this the residence of Martin Moone?

Is that you again?
How's Benjy?

No, this is Cormack McCormack
from RTE News.

I'm looking to
speak to Martin.

I can tell him,
if you're going to be a big girl about it.

I'll tell him, I'll tell him.

Martin, come in here!
We need to talk.

LIAM: Martin?

I'm gonna be on television!

[SIGHS]

Uni-Foil hats!
Get your Uni-Foil hats here.

It's terrible.
He's making a cod of us.

A cod?

Looks like you've got things
totally under control here, Liam!

This is my sarcastic tone!

[MURMURS OF AMUSEMENT]

I feel a little over-dressed,
Mam.

Well,
all your clothes stink cos of the broken washing machine.

Where did I even get this?

I think you
forgot to return it

after you quit
that chauffeur job.

That's right.

See you out there.

Well, buddy,
we had a fun fling with radio.

But now it's time to go hit on
its big, dumb, sexy daughter.

Television, here I come, baby!

Last of the xylophones, lads!
Last of the xylophones.

What do you think
of all this UFO stuff? [CHUCKLES]

What's a UFO?

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SCATTERED BOOING]

Martin, this is all wrong.

I can't let you
do the interview like this.

The hat's too much, isn't it?

You need to know the truth
about the donkey.

Do you know what
a stud farm is?

Do I?
I was raised on a stud farm.

Joke.

Shut up about the bloody UFOs!

Put down the gnome, Father!

Psst!

It's up to you now, Martin.
Don't be intimidated.

Don't let them shut you up
like they shut me up.

Oh,
my God, they got you fired?

No.
They just told me to shut up, so I shut up.

Well, don't worry, Doctor.
Mam always says

I never know when to shut up.

Oh, I wish I had his courage.

The truth will
only prevail when...

Shut up, Dr Gnot!

I'm sorry.

And once
the ship had enveloped the equine extractor,

it returned to the stars
as quickly and slowly

and smoothly and
awkwardly as it came.

Wow.
That's quite a story, Martin.

I mean,
you couldn't make it up.

CORMACK: The thing is,
we have another source.

Who tells us about
the night you say

you saw
the donkey being abducted.

An informant, if you will,

[ALL GASP]

who tells us that
you were, in fact,

out in a field,
looking for UFOs.

An informant?

You weren't
actually here at all, were you, Martin?

MARTIN: Er, no, I, er...

CORMACK: So how could you know
that the donkey was abducted?

Or are you just
a lying little culchie?

MAN 1:
That's exactly what he is.

MAN 2: Lyin' little culchie!

- [BOTH STAMMERING]
- Well, we are culchies,

but we're not...
A little bit maybe...

Er, no, I know, but, er...

Hit him, Martin, just hit him!
Just push over the camera

and we'll run to the border!
We'll make a new life in Leitrim!

No, I know they
took him because...

[STAMMERING] I
knew they would...

Because?

Because I told him.

- [CROWD GASPS]
- Not his dad?

Didn't see that coming.

Excuse me?

I told him about the aliens
and everything.

[CAMERAMAN GASPS]

And how would you know

that the aliens
abducted the donkey?

Because...

They abducted me, too.

[CROWD MURMURS]

Oh, you lucky bastard.

Er, they were sound, yeah.

Middle-aged, I'd say.
No teeth.

Two heads.

When they were done with me,

the spaceship dropped me off
at the house

and headed off into...space?

Liam Moone there,
a Roscommon signwriter,

"abducted by aliens".

The main news again.

In Operation Dessert Storm...
Sorry, Desert Storm...

I saw them, too, you know.

What?

[LAUGHING] The aliens.

Shut up, you.

Well, I lost the sign blitz
and disgraced myself publicly.

I guess things
can't get any worse.

- [BABY CRYING]
- Hiya, Daddy-o!

Guess who's moving back?

I wish I was back in space.

SEAN: Thanks to Liam's
inadvertent advertising,

Boyle became a UFO
tourist hot-spot.

[CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
...Brogan's Pharmacy...

And the Town
Council finally embraced its celestial selling point.

...Massimo's Pub,
Massimo's Pub...

Though their new
signs made it tricky

to actually
find the UFO sites.

Dr Gnot wrote
a sci-fi bestseller,

inspired by
Liam's alien encounter.

And as a thank-you,
the good doctor

bought the Moones
a new washing machine.

[SIGHING HAPPILY]

Told you it was all connected.

[DONKEY BRAYS]

I know that neigh.

Oh,
and the donkey wandered home.

Well, I'll tell you something.
Thank God for your field, Tony.

I mean, if it wasn't
for the crop circles,

none of this
would have happened.

TONY: You know,
the funny thing is, Gerry,

the only reason
there're circles here

is that I got a puncture
on the Massey Ferguson

and I just couldn't
keep her straight.

She just kept
goin' round and round.

Right,
well, it's probably best

if you keep that to yourself,
Tony, huh?

[A SPACEMAN CAME
TRAVELLING PLAYING]

? La la la la la la la la

? La la la la la la la la

? La la la la la la la la

? Peace and
goodwill to all men

? And love for child

? La la la la la la la la

? La la la la la la la la

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