All language subtitles for Moone Boy s03e02 The Plunder Years.eng

SEAN: They say a happy hen
makes a happy egg.

And the Moone coop was full
of perky poultry.

But all it takes to stink up
a hen house is one bad egg.

Or a cock with diarrhoea.

Thanks for tuning in.

Pat.

Jesus! Are you all right?

I'm sorry to call
so early, Debra, but I'm looking for Padraic.

- I think he's run away.
- Oh, God.

Don't worry, love,
kids wander off all the time,

but they always
find their way home.

They're like cats.

[SOBBING]

Padraic loved cats.

Ah, Pat. Come in.

Come on in, love. It'll be OK.

Martin, Padraic's run away.
Go out and find him, will ya?

He's run away?

Without us? The big Judas.

What does he know
about running away?

We invented running away.

Yeah. That's our thing.
We ran home from holidays.

But why would anyone
run away from Boyle?

That just makes no sense.

[SIGHS] This seems
very unlike Padraic.

Running away is
just so reckless and

athletic.

Things have been a bit tense
at home lately.

- Between myself and Paddy.
- Oh.

It's such a quiet
house these days

and I think Padraic just finds
all the long silences quite upsetting.

Oh.

Plus all the shouting and
screaming. That seems to really bother him too.

[GASPS]

I know on the outside,
Padraic seems to have such a hard,

almost brutally tough shell,

but underneath it all he's
quite a sensitive soul.

Don't worry, love.

I'm sure Martin will
track him down in no time.

- [SOBBING]
- He loves a good manhunt.

What we've got
here is a fugitive.

Average running and skipping
speed for Padraic is one mile an hour.

That's not
including time spent napping and chasing squirrels.

That gives us
a search radius of...

Depends on
squirrel speed, really.

Oh, that's a good point.
I hadn't even...

We should just
give up, actually.

No, Sean,
we'll just have to search every farmhouse, tree house,

Wendy house and house-house

until we find Padraic,

and bring him home,
dead or alive!

Well, let's aim for alive,
and see how we get on, yeah?

Grand,
I'll just grab my shotgun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Isn't that him
there in your wardrobe?

MARTIN: Padraic?

Oh!

Hi, Martin!

Is breakfast ready?
I'm so hungry I could eat a squirrel.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

?Dancing at the disco,
bumper to bumper

?Wait a minute,
where's me jumper?

?Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper?

?Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper? Oh, no ?

Dad? Can I ask...

Just let me
finish my tea, love.

Poor Padraic.

I can't believe Paddy
and Pat are having such problems.

Well, not all marriages
are built to last.

Some of us stick together
through thick and thin,

like a pair of lovely swans,

while others
just flounder around

in a constant state
of marital despair.

Like ducks.

Don't ducks
mate for life, too?

Are you jokin'?

Ducks are the Liz
Taylors of the lake.

Dad, can I just ask you this
one thing?

Does that look done yet, love?

The thing is though, Liam,
when I was consoling Pat,

I had a bit of a revelation.

When she was going on and on
and on and on

about all of her
problems and whatever,

I realised,
I'm a really good listener.

Ah, yeah. Me too.

Maybe I could
listen professionally.

Interesting.

Like, take on the monopoly
of the feckin' Samaritans?

No, I mean, like a therapist
or a marriage counsellor.

Well, there's certainly a lot
people could learn from swans like us, Deb.

Exactly.

Now, I know you're upset we
missed out on a good manhunt this morning.

I shouldn't have
got my hopes up.

But, in a way, we can get the
same buzz by making sure Padraic is all right.

Yes! We should
track down his problems

and skin them alive.

A friend in need
is a friend indeed.

What? That's mad talk.

Surely the best
kind of friend is one who gives ya sweets

and crisps and stuff.

A friend who feeds
is a friend indeed?

Ha! Now you're
talking sense, Sean.

MAN: [ON TV] And I
knew she was having an affair, Dr Bill,

cos she started
acting so feckin',

happy.

- [AUDIENCE GASPING]
- Mmm-hmm.

Going around
whistling and stuff.

Humming and whistling.

It cut through me
like a musical knife.

I like to whistle.
Is that a crime now?

A woman has needs, Doctor.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

- You could
totally do that, Deb. - Mmm.

- I mean,
Jesus, I could do that. - [SCOFFS] Well...

So, the Weight Wishers
is all done then, yeah?

You're
a marriage counsellor now?

Well, I've applied for a
correspondence course,

so my tune may
well change, Linda,

but I don't see
it as the end of the weight loss symphony.

More as another string
to my self-help bow.

Someone's gettin' fiddled,
anyway.

God, you know,
it's a shame you don't have a broken marriage, Linda.

You could have been
my first customer!

[CHUCKLES]

Yep.

Definitely a downside
to being a widow all right.

And we'll be back with more
from Bernard and Collette

on You Talking to Me?
with, Dr Bill, right after this.

- Nob.
- AUDIENCE: Oh, Jesus.

Hey, P-dawg old pal.

Want some sambo?

Ah, no, I'm grand.
Got a whole Viennetta here.

Mam's great for
apology-lunches.

I hope you didn't
mind me sleeping in your wardrobe last night.

There was just so
much shouting at home,

not even my crying
could drown it out.

What were they shouting about?

Ah, just the usual stuff.

"You ruined my life.
I wish I was dead."

Sure, you know yourself.
[CHUCKLES]

God, that's awful, P.

Ah, no, it's grand.
They were just having a big old fight.

It's all just a bit of craic.
[CHUCKLES]

Anyway.
I'd better be heading in.

Yeah, those eyes
won't cry themselves.

- Poor P-dawg.
- I know.

I mean,
on the surface he seems fine,

but you should
see how messed up his imaginary friend is.

I'm not imaginary!
You're imaginary!

And you're imaginary!
And you're imaginary!

All right,
Crunchie, all right.

Ah,
shut up, you big stupid mick!

I don't think
he's diluted that.

I think he's drinking it neat.

DEBRA: And I think it might be
really helpful

to just sit down
and have a chat about your problems, you know?

With someone who has
compassionate ears.

Is this just cos Padraic
was hiding in your closet?

Sure he does that here.

He'll come out of the closet
when he's good and ready.

To be honest,
Debs, we have tried stuff.

Books,
and watching Dr Bill, and...

We even did a mediation thing
with the priest.

PAT: I just don't
know what I can do. PADDY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- I just don't know
how I can please him! - Same old.

- He seems unpleasable.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shut up! I'm
holding the Jesus cushion! I get to talk now!

That is actually
the Listening Cushion.

Idiot!

Pat is holding
the Conch of Mary.

I'll crack it over
your feckin' head!

- You try it! You try it!
- Padraic, bells, bells, bells.

[RINGING BELL]

There's a big difference
between a priest and a marriage counsellor.

I thought you were
a fatty instructor.

I'm an all-rounder, Paddy.

I just improve people's lives.

Whether it's lightening up
a drooping marriage

or tightening up
drooping bingo wings.

But you've no
actual experience?

Which is why I'm offering
the trainee discount.

- Oh.
- And there's tea included with that...

Oh, stop.

- And Jaffa Cakes.
- Sold.

[COW MOOING]

Hey. Wanna go into
the pet shop, P-dawg?

Nah,
I should probably head home.

See if I can fall
asleep before the screaming kicks off.

Oh, come on, P.

Nothing'll take your mind off
your problems at home

like looking at
a bunch of mad animals cooped up in a cage together.

Well, I can't
argue with that logic.

We're not putting
ya out here, Liam?

No, no, no. I actually prefer
working outside when it's nice and cold.

Thanks, Liam. I love you

and appreciate you
with all my heart.

- Weirdo.
- DEBRA: Now.

To kick things off,
I thought I'd let you share your many problems.

Just to get
a sense of why your marriage is so very terrible.

So Pat,
if you'd like to go first.

And Paddy,
if you'd like to just listen for now and then respond. OK?

Are those our Jaffa Cakes?

We'll have the cakes later.

First the tears
and then the cakes.

- Pat.
- Debra.

- Pat.
- Debra.

Go ahead, Pat.

Oh,

well,

I think the big problem
is communication.

- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
- We don't talk any more.

Bar the shouting.
And the roaring.

DEBRA: Uh-huh.

When we first got married,
we were like two peas in a pod.

Mmm-hmm.

Now we're like
two peas in some miserable pea soup

that's watery and
bland and hateful.

And what about you, Paddy?
What do you see as the problem?

Feeling any better, P?

Yeah, nothing lifts the
sprits like the smell of caged fear.

Where'd you get that?

- Nicked it.
- Nicked it?

- From the hamsters? Why?
- Just felt like nickin' it.

- Do you want one?
- What?

Of course, I want one!

- Ha! It feels like Christmas.
- Yeah.

But, wait?
Isn't this kinda wrong?

I dunno. I've been
thieving loads lately.

It's great craic.
Let's go do it again!

This is amazing!
He's gone rogue!

A rebel from a broken home
with nothin' to prove.

I never thought I'd say this,

but Padraic's
actually becoming pretty flippin' cool.

Yeah,
but cool in a bad way, right?

Eh!
Don't you remember our song about cool people?

?Follow them, copy them
Do everything that they do

?Never question
That's our rule

?And then we will be cool

?Yeah

Danger?

[WHISTLING]

That's it, buddy.

Now just stroll
down the street, nice and casual.

Aw, balls.

[BOTH PANTING]

Oh, I must give up
the chocolate fags.

- So, what did you get?
- Erm, some frozen peas.

And a box of cling film.

- Deadly!
- What a score!

[SIGHS] What about you?

Six jars of jam
and a healthy...

[SNIFFING]

Begonia semperflorens.

Sweet!
What'll we do with it all?

I'm thinking a jam
and cling film party?

Who's with me?

Let's throw them
all in the river!

Both good ideas.

Well, we could
cling-film everything,

so it doesn't get wet.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

That's a Martin Moone party.

Keepin' it fresh.

So how did
the first counselling session go last night?

Yeah, good.

Oh, yeah?

It's just,
I noticed a few windows in the workshop got smashed.

- Oh, balls.
- Shards and crumbs everywhere.

To be honest, Liam,
it's a lot harder than I thought.

I just can't seem to get Paddy
to open up.

Well,
don't worry about it, love.

The important thing is,

you gave it a whole day

before giving up.

Hey, I'm not giving up!

I'm just saying
that resuscitating a dead, loveless marriage

isn't a total piece of piss,

like I thought it would be.

Well, some men can feel a bit
vulnerable around women.

Maybe I should invite Paddy
out for a few rounds with the lads.

Yeah,
might soften him up a bit.

Exactly. Get him to lower his
guard and you can finish him off.

No, that's not
what I had in mind...

Team Moone, huh?

SEAN: And so it
was that Martin Moone embarked on a life of crime,

taking to it like a duck
to marital breakdown.

Goo-goo ga-ga.
I've done a toilet.

Nice day for it.

[GRUNTS]

And then Declan said,
"I don't think you're even my real father."

Sweet Jesus.

And it hurt me deep.

Of course, it did.

Cos I'm not 100% sure meself.

Well, it was the '70s.

The Irish '60s.

- [CHUCKLING]
- Heady days.

Of delights. [LAUGHING]

You know,
it's mad to think that I am a granddad.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

But I'm still
just a young lad. A boy, with hopes and

- desires.
- [SCOFFS]

Let's talk about desires now.

I had a great one last night.

Ya know the young
one from the nunnery?

Hold that
thought there, Frank.

Is there
anything you'd like to share, Paddy?

When does the poker start?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Here we go.

What's, er... What's so funny?

Well, do you see, Paddy?
We don't really play poker here.

No, it's more,
kind of, high stakes emoting that we're dealing.

Oh, you nailed it there.

Whingin' about
your families, is it?

Ah.

Well,
exploring the difficulties of the modern male, like.

My wife's a stupid aul cow.

Oh.

And that makes me so sad.

MAN:
Oh, here come the waterworks.

- [SIGHS]
- Jesus.

[SOBBING]

Oh, for God Almighty.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[BARKS]

So, is it me
birthday or something?

No. No, we're here because

the other
imaginary friends and I are worried about you, buddy.

And we thought it was time
to have a little talk at you.

Is this an intervention?

In a pub?

Look, Crunchie, it's just,

we're a little concerned
about your behaviour lately.

What behaviour?

I watched you
wrestle a bicycle yesterday, Crunch.

And you lost.

You lost against a bicycle.

It started it!
Spoked me in the eye.

[DOG BARKS AND GROWLS]

Don't you start, Derrick.

We were there for you
when that bitch left you.

And then
there's your drinking.

Last week, you puked into
my Cinderella slippers.

And then you drank it.

Well, at least it shows
I'm cleaning up after meself.

SEAN: Argh. Come on.

You think this is what
Padraic had in mind

when he picked you
as his imaginary friend?

An old wrestler in a Babygro,
drinking shoe-sick?

- Maybe.
- [DOG BARKS AND GROWLS]

You're right, Derrick!

I'm so sorry.

It's been so stressful at home
with Padraic.

It got to me, OK?

I'm only human.
I've failed him.

I should be
there for that boy.

[LAUGHING]

Huh?

Thou shalt not steal!

- [GROANS]
- You took our water-feeders

when we were
crossing the desert.

Drink his blood!

- [HAMSTERS SQUEAKING]
- Pile on!

Get off, hamsters!

Hey.

It's OK, Martin.
It was just a bad dream.

You get used to them.

Thanks, Padraic. G'night.

Night, pal.

Night, Sinead.

I have a knife
under my pillow.

Okey-doke. Erm, night all.

[CRYING]

Hateful glances, words unsaid,
dreams forgotten.

I want to start over,

[MOANING] but I can't even see
the start line any more.

[CRYING]

What if ye have a holiday.

I hear Blackpool is nice.

I need a new life,
not a new bed.

A life where I can look in the
mirror and not despise the boy staring back.

[SOBBING]

[SNORTING]

You're sharing too much.

We only really
want 20% honesty.

Maybe,
Paddy, the whole counselling thing would be more suitable.

I'm drowning in
pathos over here.

Counselling, me hole.

Another room where women
take turns judging me,

ridiculing me like Mammy did.

[CRYING]

What if I came along, too?

You and me, Liam.

Together.

Two little boys standing tall.

Okey-dokey.

I think I'll go and
get the poker set.

- Oh, I'll...
I'll come with you. - Yeah.

Er...

I wonder what we'll nick next.

We've done
every joint in town.

Yeah, it felt like we were
running out of places

when we stole those
coat hangers from Oxfam.

Not to worry, I suppose
we'll just start over like Bonnie and Clyde.

C'mon, sweet cheeks.

Me thieving fingers
are getting giddy.

I think I might
sit this one out.

My thieving fingers have
pilfers fatigue.

Oh, but it's not as fun
if we don't do it together.

Well, maybe you don't
have to do it either?

Ha! I said it's
not as fun, Bonnie.

Alone,
it's still brilliant craic.

Why do I always
have to be the girl?

So here we are again.

All of us.

Hopefully,
we can reach a new state of honesty and reconciliation.

What does Liam have to say?

Well, we're really
just here to listen.

PADDY: I want to listen, too.

To Liam.

- [DEBRA SIGHS]
- Well,

marriage is

hard.

Finally,
someone talking a bit of bloody sense in here.

How do we make
it easier, Liam?

Go on, then.

Throw us some pearls.

Yes, Liam.
Fill us with your wisdom.

All right. Er, Paddy, er,

once a week, just say
something nice about

- Pat's hair.
- Oh, for God's sake.

Will do.

[IN MONOTONE VOICE]
Your hair is nice. Nice and thick.

Thanks, Paddy.
That means a lot.

I have one.

Respect each other's space.

That's rich,
sittin' in my workshop.

Well done, Liam.
Stand tall, little man.

[IN MONOTONE VOICE]
How do you get your hair so thick?

Hello.

Hello, stupid ears. [CHUCKLES]

Aw. Hello, little fellas.

That won't quench
your thirst, fella.

No,
but it'll take the edge off.

Yeah,
but think of the hamsters.

All caged up,
famished and alone.

They're five to a cage.

Yeah, and all they want is
a little bit of peace.

A quiet life,
far away from their ferocious furry family.

I think I know
what you're saying, you wise old bastard.

Good.

Cos it felt very hazy to me.

I knew you were trouble
the minute I saw you.

It's little
brats like you that make my life hell,

with your shaggy hair
and your giddy hands.

Sorry.

Remember
the dodgy rhyme, buddy.

A friend who thieves
is a friend indeed!

- Bonnie!
- Who the hell are you?

I am the water-feeder thief,
and this man is innocent.

Set him free!

Is the water-feeders gone too?

I just opened
up all the cages.

Oh, balls.

[SQUEAKING]

Right, lads.
Let's break it down.

Marriage.
Always. Requires. Really. Impressive. Affection.

Goals. Etc.

Brilliant. Say it again, Liam,
I want to write it down.

- LIAM: Marriage...
- It's not even a sentence.

Wait!

It spells marriage, too!

You're a genius, Liam.

[PHONE RINGING]

Moone and Moone
marriage savers?

I got kids down here.

They've let the rabbits out,
birds out...

They what?

If I catch them in here again,
I'll have to call the guards.

I'm so sorry.

I'm afraid Padraic's had some
problems at home.

This is the one
who did the stealing.

So your child
is the bad child?

There's no such thing as
a "bad child", Pat.

Apart from your fella,
the thief.

Well, his father always had
a bit of a dark streak.

Me?

Says little Miss,
"Oh, did I forget to pay for the petrol?"

DEBRA:
Er, one time that happened,

probably from watching you
forget so often.

LIAM: At least...

I mean, it seems almost
impenetrable to the weather.

How do you do it?

A woman has her secrets,
Paddy.

Maybe I'll let them slip
when we get home.

Lovely, I'm looking forward
to a nice cup of tea

and putting my feet
up in the wardrobe.

Hope there's
room for one more.

I'll always make
room for you my friend.

At least I've never come back
from a wedding

with a set of
cutlery in my purse.

They were
wedding favours, Liam. Everyone was taking them.

- [SCOFFS]
- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

You're the one
always sampling grapes at the supermarket.

Well, I need to know if
they're sweet. Not like you, you big sour grape.

[SIGHS] Wow.

Your parents get vicious
pretty quick, huh?

Yeah.
They're like a pair of flippin' swans.

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

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