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SEAN:
It was the summer of 1990
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00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:10,560
and Martin and
Padriac had decided to build a river raft.
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00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:13,280
It was their most exciting
construction project yet.
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00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:15,080
A bold, brilliant idea.
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00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,680
Although neither of
them could remember what had actually inspired it.
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00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:21,480
"We said there warn't no home
like a raft, after all.
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"Other places do seem so
cramped up and smotherly, but a raft don't.
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00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:30,520
"You feel mighty free and easy
and comfortable on a raft."
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- Raft.
- Smotherly butter.
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00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,280
SEAN: Their plan was simple.
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00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,560
As simple as two
young simpletons.
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00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,120
MARTIN: We'll sail into town
on a roasting hot day.
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And eat ice creams. And all of
our friends can go swimming off it.
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00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,760
Yeah. We'll be
the most popular lads in town.
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00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,640
Two virile young fellas,
rocking the waves.
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00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,280
Like Wham!
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00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,080
Jitterbug...
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00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,240
SEAN: But following some
construction setbacks,
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00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,400
including Padriac's
biscuit-based strike,
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00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:01,240
it was nearly November
by the time the raft was finished.
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00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,440
So our silly little seaman
made a new plan.
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00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:08,200
We'll turn it into a Halloween
ghost ship. A ghost raft!
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00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,440
And sail into town,
and freak everyone out.
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00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,840
Yeah, we'll be
the most popular lads in town. Like Erasure.
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00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,680
No, Padriac. We'll be
the scariest, most frightening,
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00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:17,880
terrifying lads in town.
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00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,960
Who are also
loved by everyone.
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Like the Culture Club.
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00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,160
So when we throw Padriac
overboard, how do we make it look like an accident?
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[MUSIC PLAYING]
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Dancing at the disco,
bumper to bumper
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Wait a minute,
where's me jumper?
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00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,880
Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper?
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00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:42,800
Where's me jumper,
where's me jumper? Oh, no
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00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,880
And on this Sunday,
the eve of All Hallows,
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00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,760
I'd like to extend
a very special hello
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00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,920
and welcome back
to Father Roche
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00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,480
from his missionary work
in the depths of the Amazon.
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00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,440
Sounds like he
had an absolutely lovely time.
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00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,680
And the rumours
about him "going native"
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00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,560
are grossly exaggerated.
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00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,480
[CHUCKLES]
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00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:12,680
No, really, they are,
so let's put a stop to that gossip now.
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00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,840
Now let's have
a reading from St Paul.
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FIDELMA:
"A reading from the letter of St Paul to the Colossians.
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00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,040
"Brothers and sisters,
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00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,280
"Put on, as God's chosen ones,
holy and beloved..."
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00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,320
I'm not sure about your choice
of reader, Father.
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00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:32,080
Fidelma? Oh, she's one
of the best readers in our school.
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00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:36,320
Lovely diction.
Always puts the pauses in the right places.
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00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,280
"Pregnant" pauses, are they?
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00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:40,720
[CONTINUES READING]
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00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,520
[STAMMERS] I
suppose they might be a bit pregnant, yes.
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00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:47,520
But listen to her. She makes
those Colossians come alive.
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00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,840
I don't think
being a pregnant, unmarried teenager
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00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:54,320
has any effect on the quality
of her reading.
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00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,320
"This is the..." Ooh! Jesus.
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00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,680
Sorry. He gave a little kick.
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00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,640
It was like,
end of...the Bible?
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00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,920
- Thanks be to God.
- CONGREGATION: Thanks be to God.
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00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,640
FATHER LINEHAN: Thank you.
See you, now. Thank you, thank you.
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00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,720
Oh, Fidelma, lovely, lovely,
lovely reading.
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00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,080
I wonder, could I have
a quick word?
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00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,360
It'll have to be quick,
Father.
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00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,120
I haven't had
a wee in nine minutes.
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00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,240
It's... It's a little bit of a
delicate matter, you could say, but...
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00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,120
Ah, looking good, buddy.
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00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,800
[IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
We're going to be the best plumbers in all of Boyle!
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00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,280
We're not plumbers,
we're the Ghostbusters.
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00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:34,120
What? No, I thought we were
the Super Mario Brothers.
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00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,360
Don't I look like I
could bust a ghost?
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00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,840
Uh,
you look like you could bust a clogged drain. Wait, wait.
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00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,000
If I'm not a Mario brother,
why does this keep happening?
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00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,480
[ELECTRONIC BOING]
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00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,320
- Oh, that's
an imaginary friend fart. - Ah.
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00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,080
DEBRA:
What are you doing out there, Martin?
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00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,280
[ELECTRONIC BOING]
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00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,400
Um, going trick or treating.
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00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,640
- [ELECTRONIC BOING]
- It's 1:00 p.m.
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00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,600
Gotta start early
to get the best sweets.
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00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:56,440
Aren't you a bit too old
for trick or treating?
82
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,480
Ah, Trisha,
let Martin cling on to his childhood if he wants.
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00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:03,040
Soon enough, he'll be stalking
some dead-end job where his only treat
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00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,600
is a bit of peace and quiet
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00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,200
and his whole
life will be like some sad, bad trick.
86
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,760
Uh,
that's if the astronaut thing doesn't work out, pal.
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00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,480
Or the jockey thing.
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00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,880
- I thought you
were afraid of horses. - Not afraid, Trisha, allergic.
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00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:19,200
Are you going trick
or treating tonight?
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00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,000
- No.
- You're usually mad for sweets.
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00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,480
Shut up talking about sweets.
You're all obsessed!
92
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:25,800
Uh. She's chirpy.
93
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:28,600
- I think some
bitch at school... - Trisha, language.
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00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:32,840
Some girl in Sinead's class
has been teasing her about being a little bit...
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00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,960
- fat.
- Bitch.
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00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,520
That's what I was saying.
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00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:38,080
- We should talk to her.
- Sinead isn't fat.
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00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,680
- I know.
- I mean, she might be a little bit plump
99
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:45,240
but that's just puppy fat.
I mean, she's kind of like a little plump dog.
100
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:49,120
Maybe I'll talk to her alone.
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00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,400
- Hi, Moones!
- Ah, look at this little face.
102
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,000
Are you some sort
of bear, Padriac?
103
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,080
- A beaver, Mrs M.
- Beaver?
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00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:57,720
The bear's the river.
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00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,920
Not that there's any reason
to mention a river.
106
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,120
But bears go into rivers.
107
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,200
Aren't bears
the bears of the river?
108
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:08,080
Ah! Trisha,
always with the jokes.
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00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,240
Ah, you're a gas
when we're all altogether.
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00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,760
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
We should go.
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00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,760
Time to set sail
on the ghost raft.
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00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,440
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Sometimes we call trick or treating
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00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,840
"setting sail on
the ghost raft" 'cause it's so exciting.
114
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,960
Well,
that's not confusing at all.
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00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,320
Ah! There she goes again.
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00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,480
The Irish Jim Davidson,
you are.
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00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,120
[BOTH LAUGH]
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00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:32,360
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
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00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:36,400
If you're here to
talk about sweets, chips, or some nonsense,
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00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,680
I don't care,
I'm not interested.
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00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,960
Unless you have a Cornetto.
Do you have a Cornetto?
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00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,960
- No.
- Then what do you want?
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00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,960
Are you feeling
a little self-conscious about your body fat?
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00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,880
Huh! No, I look amazing.
125
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,120
Hmm. It's just that
Trisha said that...
126
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:53,400
Ruth Connelly
told Isa O'Rourke that I stole her lunch.
127
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:57,280
Isa O'Rourke said that I could
do with skipping a meal every now and then.
128
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,200
- That's just mean.
Why would... - I did steal her lunch.
129
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:02,840
Why did you steal her lunch?
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00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,200
Because I was hungry.
Because I'm always hungry.
131
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,000
- Because I'm a big fat whale.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
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00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:11,160
I'm slippin' out to the shops.
Does anyone fancy a Cornetto?
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00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,320
This way, Padriac.
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00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,720
I'm the Undertaker wrestler.
135
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:25,360
Undertaker and a plumber.
Like a low-rent Village People.
136
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,680
- [SIGHS]
- What's with the bottle?
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00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,520
It's embalming fluid.
138
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:30,880
- For embalming.
- Oh, yeah.
139
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,840
Padraic really pays
attention to detail.
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00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,520
I'll see you down there.
141
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,480
Coffin boffin
and a gutter nutter.
142
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,440
The werewolves must be
shitting themselves.
143
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,360
[HORN SCREECHING]
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00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:53,280
This is gonna be so great.
Everyone's gonna be so freaked out
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00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:54,720
when we sail into
town on a ghost raft.
146
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,440
Yeah, big time.
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00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:57,920
Although, call me crazy,
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00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:01,200
aren't ghost
rafts supposed to have nobody on them?
149
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:03,400
Isn't... Isn't that
what a ghost ship is?
150
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:07,680
Well,
imagine how freaky it'll be when people see us on it.
151
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,680
- Yeah.
- All aboard, Martin.
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00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,280
Freaky and confused.
153
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,720
Keep them guessing!
154
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,680
It isn't sinking.
We actually built a raft.
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00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,240
We're the bears of the river!
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00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,480
[SUNG TO 'O SOLE MIO]
Just one Cornetto
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00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,280
SEAN: Oh, yeah.
158
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:33,240
- Give it to me
- Lovely voice.
159
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,880
So what was Father Linehan
chatting to you about earlier?
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00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,320
Nothing really. Just said he
doesn't want me to read at Mass any more.
161
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,080
- Really?
- Said he was worried all the reading
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00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,800
- might hurt the baby.
- Wow! Like that makes sense. [SNIGGERS]
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00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,800
Priests really
know their stuff.
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00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,680
But when you were pregnant,
you said washing the dishes might hurt the baby.
165
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:59,400
- Yeah, because of the...
- "Soapy sores", I think you said.
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00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,520
- Mmm. That's right.
- Anyway, I don't care.
167
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,720
One less thing to worry about,
if you ask me.
168
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,160
That's weird, isn't it?
I mean, she's the best reader in Boyle.
169
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,000
Oh, hands down.
Especially since that nun died.
170
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:13,720
So they don't want her to read
just because she's...
171
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,200
Up the pole.
172
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,200
With child,
was what I was going to say, Trisha.
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00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,080
I suppose they
just don't want an unmarried teenage reader
174
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:21,680
- who is, you know...
- Got a trout in the well.
175
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,680
- Trisha!
- What? What are you barking at me for?
176
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,120
- She's the one who's...
- Stop right there.
177
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,200
- Go on, let me do one more.
- No.
178
00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,600
"Soapy sores", Mam.
179
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,320
Last one.
180
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,080
She's the one who's
shitting for two. Hmm!
181
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,480
- That's was worth
the wait I think. - It was, actually.
182
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,720
This is the life.
183
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:49,000
All the excitement of the sea
but with the dependable assurance of the river.
184
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,840
I haven't felt this relaxed
since I broke Pretty Pete Dixon's collarbone
185
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,480
in the Salford
Smackdown of '82.
186
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:56,760
Maybe we should sing
a sea shanty.
187
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,240
We should totally sing
a sea shanty.
188
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:01,440
- I love shandy!
- All right, Crunchie. All right.
189
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,240
Wait,
do we know any sea shanties?
190
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:07,600
Uh, hello.
Biggest nautical hit of 1988.
191
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:11,440
Let me sail, let me sail
Let the Orinoco flow
192
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,240
Let me reach, let me reach
Far beyond the Yellow Sea
193
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,000
MAN:
Roll it there, ocean, please.
194
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,040
Da, da
195
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:22,120
Da, da
196
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:26,400
Da, da
197
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,480
CRUNCHIE: Ah, yes.
198
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,400
Da, da
199
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:34,600
Da, da
200
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,560
Da!
201
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:42,640
Sail away,
sail away, sail away Sail away
202
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:46,920
Sail away,
sail away, sail away Sail away
203
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:50,360
Sail away,
sail away, sail away
204
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,920
Sail away
Sail away
205
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:55,440
Sail away,
sail away, sail away Sail away!
206
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,760
Wait... This isn't town.
207
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,880
MARTIN: Where the hell are we?
208
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,560
The river went the wrong way!
209
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,760
Stupid feckin' river!
210
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,960
Padraic. Swim back
ashore and get help, will ya?
211
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,160
- Me?
- You're a beaver, aren't ya?
212
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,440
Martin, this is an
85% wool-to-nylon blend.
213
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,080
- Oh, not this nonsense again.
- I'm fairly sure I'll drown.
214
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:16,800
So only fairly sure?
215
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,480
It's good enough for me.
216
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:19,800
[HOWLING]
217
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,200
Was that a... A wolf?
218
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,920
Martin, aren't you
allergic to wolves?
219
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,600
Not allergic, Sean. Afraid.
220
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,200
[HOWLING]
221
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,560
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
222
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,600
Oh! Hello, Mrs Moone.
223
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,800
- You asked Fidelma
not to read any more. - What? I...
224
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:44,200
It's not fair to fire her
just because she's got a trout in...
225
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:45,960
'Cause she's with child.
226
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,760
You think I wanted
to let Fidelma go?
227
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,400
It was like ripping
off a limb.
228
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:53,800
She's the best reader
in Boyle.
229
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,080
Since Sister Anne slipped
on that step anyway.
230
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,760
Or was pushed. Let's not go
into that now. The thing is,
231
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:04,040
Father Roche is the senior
priest and he feels it's just not appropriate.
232
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,800
- What do you think?
- It doesn't matter.
233
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,440
He is the head of the parish.
234
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:11,280
In priest terms,
he's Paul Simon, I'm just big stupid Garfunkel.
235
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,480
Maybe it's time
for you to go solo.
236
00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,520
You mean, finally
start my own religion?
237
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:19,960
I mean, maybe it's time
for you to break the sound of silence, Father.
238
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,600
And face that
troubled bridge head on.
239
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,640
You're right, Debra.
240
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,160
I'll talk to Father Roche.
241
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:30,480
And not just
because I'm impressed by your S & G knowledge.
242
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:34,280
- How are you?
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
243
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,000
[WHISPERING] He's right there.
Why don't you talk to him now?
244
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:38,080
- Now?
- Yeah.
245
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,360
- Now?
- Oh, for...
246
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,000
Wait, wait, wait.
I'll do something. I will.
247
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,120
- When?
- Tonight.
248
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,440
At Mass. See you there.
249
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,840
We've already
been to Mass today.
250
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,880
[CROWS CAWING]
251
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,000
I think I want to
live in the raft.
252
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,520
Boyle Beaver.
253
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,080
Let's just call
into this big creepy house.
254
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,040
Happy Halloween!
255
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:23,560
Hi, mister. We got marooned
on your island and we kind of need some help.
256
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,080
Are you not
going to sing a song or anything?
257
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:30,680
Uh, no,
we're not trick or treating. Do you have a boat?
258
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,760
- Or a hovercraft?
- I'm still not hearing the song, lads.
259
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,600
No,
no, we're actually here to...
260
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,360
Ah, lads, no song, no sweet.
261
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,320
Oh...
262
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:48,400
Wake me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo
263
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,320
Wake me up before you go-go
264
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:55,840
Don't leave me hanging on,
baby, tonight
265
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,000
Ah!
266
00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:00,320
- Come on in, lads.
- Right.
267
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,560
Listen, Sinead, I've been
thinking about your little problem.
268
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,240
- Martin?
- No. No, the weight thing.
269
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,680
I know what I'm going to do.
270
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,720
Because, you know I run
the Weight Watcher's class.
271
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,560
And I can work out a regime
for you based on your body mass index, you know.
272
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,200
A reduction in glucose.
Cut out the white wine, basically.
273
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,800
Look, Mam, I'm already bored
of this conversation.
274
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,560
I'm just gonna lay low,
stay out of the public eye... Just hide, basically.
275
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,960
Ah, Father Roche.
276
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,520
About that Fidelma
Moone situation...
277
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,840
Did you happen to find
a little pin cushion in here?
278
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,680
Eh, what does it look like?
279
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,280
It looks like a little person.
280
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,040
Erm, no.
281
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,600
Listen, I know
you've been away, Father.
282
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:47,280
But I think it's important
that this is an inclusive, progressive church.
283
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,320
- You think that
that's important? - I really do.
284
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,640
I don't know when I told you
to think that.
285
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:56,760
It'd be more in your interest
to clean your bloody room.
286
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:01,280
- Then I might be
able to find my things. - Yes, Father.
287
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:02,960
There's my goat's blood.
288
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:06,960
For cooking.
289
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:12,760
[EXHALES]
290
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:20,400
[THE SOUND OF SILENCE
BY SIMON & GARFUNKEL PLAYS]
291
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:29,440
Every Halloween I put out that
bowl of sweets but no one ever comes.
292
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:32,440
- Does anyone else
live on this island? - Not to me knowledge.
293
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,840
- Just me and the wolves.
- [WOLF HOWLING]
294
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,640
I wasn't going to
put the bowl out this year.
295
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:40,640
I says to myself,
"Why bother? Sure, no one will come."
296
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,320
Then I said to myself,
297
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,680
"Shut up,
Joe, you big stupid bastard, and put out the bowl
298
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,520
"and someone will come!"
299
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,720
And they did come.
Two persons.
300
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,920
A plumber and an arse one.
301
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,120
- So, you're Joe.
- That's what they call me.
302
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,960
Island Joe. Joe of the Island.
303
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,120
And I'm Martin...of the Boyle.
304
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:06,880
And this is Padriac
of just outside the Boyle.
305
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,160
I'm a beaver.
306
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,560
This was a beaver once.
307
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,920
- What happened to it?
- Island Joe. That's what happened to it.
308
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,720
Bears of the river, my hole.
309
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,960
Quick question for you, lads.
310
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,480
Which one of youse
can hold your breath under water the longest?
311
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,080
We'll soon see.
312
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,640
[CACKLING]
313
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,400
[BLOWING]
314
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,000
- What's happened?
- I think it's a protest Mass.
315
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,520
A what?
316
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,320
- I've never seen
one in the flesh. - Seen what?
317
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,880
Nothing's happening.
318
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,440
Fair play to him.
319
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:12,160
- [GASPING]
- [LAUGHING]
320
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,360
- Got another one!
- He's an awesome man for the bobbin'.
321
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,680
- How do you do it?
- I just imagine myself
322
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,440
Tom Sawyer and Slave Jim
have put money on it.
323
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,520
Who are they?
324
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,120
I have no idea.
325
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:29,160
Ha! The lack of oxygen
is driving you mad. [LAUGHING]
326
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,760
Hold your ground, Father.
327
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,360
It's time for
a boy to become man.
328
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:57,920
- [JUNGLE SOUNDS]
- [GROWLING]
329
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:11,640
God, he's really coming
into his own now, isn't he?
330
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:13,640
[SNORING]
331
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:19,800
- This is great stuff,
isn't it, lads? - Yeah.
332
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:24,760
Lads. Are ye real?
333
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,400
- What?
- It's just when sometimes I
334
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:27,720
come in and play
ping-pong in here with my friends,
335
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,920
they turn out not
to be...real, like.
336
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,880
- Maybe that's
why I always win. - No, we're real.
337
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,320
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
338
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:37,320
Ha, ha! Great stuff!
339
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,280
[SILENT LAUGHTER]
340
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,880
What...
341
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,560
- Are you real?
- What a weirdo.
342
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,040
"Are you real?" Bizarre.
343
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:55,120
- [MAKING SCARY SOUNDS]
- Ooohh! No, we're imagined.
344
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,040
- [WATCH TICKING]
- [SNORING CONTINUES]
345
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:03,680
[EXHALES]
346
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:21,160
Holy shit. That was a rush.
347
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,400
That was the best Mass ever.
348
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,240
Yeah, really made you think.
349
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,680
We have prevailed, Fidelma.
350
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,840
- You can read again.
- Oh, really? That's good.
351
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,600
- You don't seem too excited.
- Well, it's just...
352
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,720
I don't really like doing it.
It's kind of tiring.
353
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,840
Oh, that's disappointing.
354
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,520
Wish you had mentioned that
before I did that whole protest Mass and everything.
355
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,400
Oh, sorry about that.
356
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,360
Well, don't worry,
I'll find someone else to read.
357
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:51,360
Okay. It's just that I went
through such a hoop-la about the whole thing,
358
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,600
it'd be great
if they were pregnant teenager.
359
00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:00,120
[JOE LAUGHING]
360
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,120
This is my
favourite Halloween ever!
361
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,800
You're so mad, Island Joe.
362
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:06,040
I feel bad that
you're marooned on your own out here.
363
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,200
No. I have
the wolves for company.
364
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,360
Aren't you afraid
they'll eat you?
365
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,320
- No,
they're a gentle creature. - Really?
366
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:16,280
Yeah. And if they get peckish,
there's a graveyard on the island.
367
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,600
Hey. Who wants the last bit
of brown bread?
368
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:21,560
- The ring's still in there.
- A wife? That's all I need, Joe.
369
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,800
[ALL LAUGH]
370
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:25,880
We belong together.
371
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:33,800
I'm getting a real ghouly,
spirity vibe out here.
372
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,680
Eh, speaking of spirits.
373
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,440
Thanks.
374
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,120
What is that?
375
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,920
I had nowhere else to pee.
376
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,400
Talk about ungrateful.
377
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:59,080
- I suppose the sea biscuits...
- No, we're not talking any more now.
378
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,080
Dad, I was talking to somebody
about Castle Island and lucky...
379
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:08,600
While you were
trick or treating?
380
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,000
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
381
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,600
Do you know
there's a caretaker on his own out there?
382
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,160
- That's right.
- There's a caretaker? He's long gone.
383
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:18,480
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
384
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,800
He died out on
the island years ago.
385
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,680
- He's dead?
- Yeah.
386
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,080
- I think the wolves got him.
- Shut up.
387
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:27,760
Ah, he's dead years, Martin.
388
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:31,000
Oh, that is freaky.
That is messed up.
389
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,920
The spirit of the ghost raft.
390
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,000
Well, good night, then,
little plumber boy.
391
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,480
I'm a Ghostbuster.
392
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,720
There's a new
fellow out there now, though, isn't there?
393
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,080
Oh, you're right, yeah.
Island Joe.
394
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,960
That's right.
Joe of the Island.
395
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,520
- Loves the ping-pong.
- That's right.
396
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,040
Thank you for coming to
All Hallow's Mass.
397
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:59,520
And nice to see so many of you
haven't been caught up
398
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:03,720
in the silly old pagan rituals
of Halloween.
399
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:07,280
Not that
there's anything wrong with paganism, of course.
400
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,000
Anyway,
we'll have a reading now from the Colossians.
401
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:11,480
[GIGGLING]
402
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:21,000
What's she doing?
403
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,280
Oh, God. I think
it's a protest reading.
404
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,040
LIAM: Protesting about what?
405
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,800
Doing a reading.
406
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:37,360
[CLANGING]
407
00:21:37,410 --> 00:21:41,960
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