All language subtitles for Cougar.town.S01E22.P0W4.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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So, what did you
do last night?

I took advantage of a
vulnerable, lonely woman.

Alright.

Hey, did you like it when i
kissed the back of your neck?

Women don't know it, but that's
a major erogenous zone. So sexy.

I've been thinking about this a lot
- were you up all night, too?

Oh, no, I'm a guy.

By "a lot," I mean the five minutes
I've been awake. My bad. Go on.

I don't make friends easily,

And this-this little group
of ours...

The cul-de-sac crew. Yeah, I'm not gonna
call 'em that. Um, this little group...

The crew. Right. Well,
um, it means a lot to me,

And our friendship
means a lot to me.

I don't want to
mess that up.

I don't either.

Maybe this should just be
a- a onetime deal.

Or... We could
just be friends...

with benefits.

Oh, you snuck that in
at the end, didn't ya?

Friends with benefits-
the old f.W.B.

That is the greatest male myth
of our time.

I mean, that and our knees
being an erogenous zone.

It is.
It's not. It's a knee.

Do you want to know
why f.W.B. Never works?

No. We're friends.
It can't be casual.

Friend sex comes
with feelings and baggage,

And someone always gets hurt.
It's a horrible idea.

jules, it's coffee time! Stay
here. I don't want them to know.

but I love coffee time.

it's 7:45.

How come come you're not
down here already serving us?

Hey, gang.

Aah! Don't do that.

♪ making coffee for my friends ♪

That's what they like
in the morning ♪

What? You only sing-narrate your
life when you're hiding something.

Let's play the admission game.

That's when friends admit stuff,

And it brings everyone
much closer.

I read about it in a magazine.
What magazine?

Fine! It's just-I feel like
people respect my ideas more

When they think that they
came out of magazines. Nope.

I'll go first
because I got nothing to hide.

Ellie,
last week I dropped stan.

He got googly eyes for a second,
but then they went right back.

Whatevs.

Once, while you were asleep,
I kissed you on the forehead

'cause I wanted you to have nice
dreams. No, I know. I was awake.

Oh, els like the game
should be over.

Come on! Don't you guys want
to get inside each other?

That's what she said.

Oh ho ho!

Bing-bing-bing-bing-
bing-bing-bing! So lame.

Why won't that joke
ever go away?

We should steal it from them
so they know how annoying it is.

good luck, sisters.
Not that easy.

It's never hard for me.

That's what he said. Whoo!
Oh!

ha!

I don't like this.

Are we here to buy me a car
for college?

good one, trav.

Thanks.

You know how I've been working
odd jobs for extra cash?

I really gotta get
to school. You will.

I just have to drop mr. Rockwell
off at the mall first.

I'm gonna buy pants.

Well, I'm trying to scrape
together enough dough

To get my boat
back in the water.

And as a promotion,
this place is releasing

A balloon
with 2,000 bucks in it.

Dad, you can't put
all your financial hopes

Into balloon chasing.

I mean, you gotta keep buying
those lottery tickets.

I'm just kidding.
Don't do that.

What?
I want our joke back.

Oh, it's not your joke
anymore.

I got you a present, but I'm not even
gonna give it to you now. Yes, you are.

I know. I'm too excited.

I hired a nanny. I know you're
gonna say we don't need it,

But it's only three days
a week.

I just thought
it would be nice for you

To have some help around
the house and not be tied down.

And so what do you think?
Ellie.

That's the nicest thing
you've ever done for me.

Oh, stop.

It's just a tiny thing.

that's what he said.

You ruined it!
You ruined my gift!

Stop it.

Nothing wrong with looking.

I smell lovers.

No, you don't, barb.

Oh, the air's so think with
pheromones, I can barely see.

Every hair on my body

Would be standing on end
if I weren't shaved bald from...

Here down.

I can't believe
I'm getting a nanny.

I mean, I just had
to put my ego aside

And realize can't do it all
by myself.

What do you do for a living?

Oh... Corporate attorney.

no, no, honey.

He's asking what you do now,

Not a hundred years ago.

She's very, very busy taking
care of all of her children.

Oh. How many kids do you have?

You only have one, don't you?
Why would you do that to me?

For fun. So I don't
work and I have a nanny.

I don't have to be embarrassed.
after years of taking your abuse,

I've finally found
your weak spot.

Jules! Honey,
I've found her weak spot.

Oh, you mean that cheesy
dolphin tattoo on her butt?

Y- you didn't mean that, did you?
Well, she doesn't have one.

It's my spirit guide.

Hey, jules. You left
your sunglasses at the bar.

Thank you.

2 for 2.

ready? Ten...

I'm here.
Let's do a hands-in.

Andy, there's no time.

okay, hands in.

All right, remember,
the money's in the red balloon.

Hurt people if you have to. We can apologize
later. God help me, I enjoy you, dad.

All right, balloon!
balloon!

...Two, one! Go get it!

This was not well thought out.

Okay, do you want
to know why

I think that we can pull off
being friends with benefits?

Hell, yeah, I do.

We're friends.
We're friends.

We can keep it casual.
It can't be casual.

Plus, friend sex is
the most fun. You know it.

Friend sex comes with feelings
and-and baggage,

And someone always gets hurt.

I mean- I mean,
we're smart enough

Not to make the same mistakes
everyone else makes.

And everyone thinks they can
avoid falling into that trap,

But they can't. It's a
horrible idea. Let'do this.

Can't argue with that.

But one thing-let's still
just keep this between us.

You are so right.

Oh, good. You're done.
I got your text.

What? She doesn't count.

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So you guys are actually
gonna try it? The old f.W.B.?

Yep. No guilt.
No commitment.

Oh, wait. How are we gonna know
when it's, you know, going down?

I could politely say,

"shall we?"

And if I'm in the mood, I can
curtsy and say, "indeed."

Very classy.

What about post-sex cuddling?

Oh.
This one needs it.

She holds on like an otter
trying to break opea clam.

That's why ellie will be
my surrogate afterglow partner.

Yay! So fun.

Uh-huh. I'm gonna otter
the hell out of you.

I don't see the balloon.

Well, even if you did, how are
we gonna lose everyone else?

Come on, man. You think this is
my first money balloon chase?

Okay, it is, but still,
I set up a diversion.

I got it! I got the balloon!

Jules cobb real estate
for all your housing needs!

Hey.

What was that about?

I don't know.
Sometimes it's just easier

To do what bobby says
and not ask questions.

aah!

What are you doing?

I'm sending ellie pictures
of famous working moms.

Laurie, that's too mean.

I was gonna include you.
Well, hold on a second.

Okay.

Marina, if you're part

Of some white baby-selling ring,
don't waste your time.

Stan's cuban, so he will not
feh a good price.

It must be hard for you
to leave this muñequito.

It is.

Bu spanish.

So what time will you
be home from work?

6:00.

Oh, I should have said 5:00.

What's with the outfit?

I work here now.
I don't want to talk about it.

okay. What's in your
briefcase? Almonds and wine.

No way! That's exactly
what's in my briefcase.

Oh.

Shall we?

Indeed.

Milady.

But I just set up my office.

Where am I gonna go?

Ma'am.

U cannot drink here.

You're kidding. How do people
get through the workday?

Shh. It's not weird.
It's my baby.

and my husband.

here.
Can you hold this for a second?

Oh! There it is.
Be cool, man.

If we all stare at the sky,
people are gonna know.

We'll look up in shifts.
First me. Travis. Now andy.

Now me. Travis. Andy.

Now me. Ooh!
Ooh!

Go on without me.

You heard him. Me.

You. Me. You.

This looks totally natural.
Me. You.

Okay. Oh, my god.

I el like we are
so in sync lately.

I mean, seriously, I know what
you're gonna say as you say it.

No, you don't.
No, you don't.

Okay, well, was a little late,
but I wasn't ready yet.

Say anything, and I'm gonna say
it with you in exact unison.

Okay.
Okay.

It's been a long day...
Long day.

Mostly because
the pressurization...

On the beer taps was broken.
Taps.

I tried to fix it myself...
Myself.

But that's why I had to mop the
whole place up. floors. What?

You're not good at this.

I am. I'm just off my game.
I am. I'm just off my game.

see, I'm good at this.

You know, I-it feels like
you're putting out

A real, uh,
relationship-y vibe.

Are you sure
you can handle this?

Because it's still early enough
for us to just bail.

If we avoid each other
for a week,

I can totally forget
I've seen you naked.

Really? You could
forget in a week?

I'd never forget, would I?
Nice save.

Since jules didn't answer
at her house,

I thought maybe she was
over here with ellie.

No. Mrs. Torres is at work.

She told you
she went to work?

Ohh!
That is awesome news, nanny.

See?
I'm not always an otter.

Sometimes I just
like to hold hands.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Grayson was right
to be worried.

You-you can't keep doing this
without getting attached.

Yes, I can.

Will you stroke my hair?

I have to go. Thank god.
Wait. What? Why?

Well, because-it's not you.
My workday is over. I... But...

you are
squeezing me very tight.

what a day, marina.

Be glad you're not a lawyer.

Do you know that companies
think they can get away

With dumping chemicals
in our water supply?

Luckily,
I can get anyone to talk.

All I have to do is
flash a smile

And put on a push-up bra.

Are you stealing the
plot of "erin brockovich"?

What are you doing here?
I was just waiting for you,

But now I'm literally
bathing in this moment.

Oh, gosh.

Feels so good on my skin.

Ah,
nothing we can do tonight.

We'll bed wn here,
then at first light,

We grab hard hats,
a couple of mustaches,

We'll shimmy on up there and
grab it. And why the mustaches?

Well, you ever seen a hard hat
without a mustache under it?

Uh, no, but in my defense,
I'm a sane person.

Gotta jam. Going out dancing with
the wife tonight. Hey. Go, andy.

We can't go dancing.
I sent the nanny home.

I don't want her.

So what am I supposed to do, go shake
it by myself?

That's what he said.

That wasn't even subtle!

Th-there's an art to this!

♪ no strings attached,
no need to commit ♪

We're pallin' 'round
while we're gettin' down ♪

♪ we're friends with benefits ♪
♪ friends with benefits ♪

♪ friends with benefits ♪

Horrible.

Well, you'll be
singing it later.

I hope not, because it'll mean
someone has a gun to my head.

Hey, you want to stay
for coffee?

Eh, not today. Oh, cool.
See you on the flip side.

What? People still say
"flip side."

So how was the boom-boom
last night?

that is so much worse
than "flip side."

I knew it when I said it. No,
we actually didn't even hook up.

We played penny can.
It was so much fun.

Oh, we came up
with this new tickle rule.

Did you?!
Jules, you are so into him.

Ellie, I've got this
under control.

Mm-hmm.

Look at him.

Look at him, jules.

I don't want to.
I know you don't.

Because even though
grayson's right over there...

Say it, jules.

it's like
he's a million miles away.

Is he looking at me?

What about now? What
about now? No. No. Yeah.

Really?
No.

I just feel like an idiot.
I'm gonna go talk to him.

No, because you
can't be normal.

Yes, I can.
Hey!

You work that hose, bitch!

You're weird, jules.

weird like a fox.

Oh, no. Put the guns away.

Damn these things.
I hate them!

trav, check it out.

why are we whispering? Because
the balloon's right there.

We don't want to spook it.
it's a balloon.

now look
what you did. Come on!

Just tell him
how you really feel.

Being open and honest is
a firm plan "c."

Please don't tell me
the other plans.

Plan "a" would just be

Continuing on with our friends
with benefits thing forever.

Plan "b" is
a little more intricate.

First, I have to make him
feel insecure

With a series
of insult-compliments,

Like, um, "I just love
your beautiful, tiny eyes"

Or, um,
"your receding hairline

Really makes
your tiny eyes pop."

So you're gonna focus
on the eyes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then to strip what's left
of his self-esteem,

I'll fatten him up.

Now once he's gained about
400 pounds and hates himself,

That's when I cut him loose.

That fat bastard will beg
to have me back.

Either I'll want him
or I won't,

But the point is,
it'll be my choice.

Well, I mean, I-I-it sounds like
you have a lot of options.

Lots.

Not crazy at all.
God, no.

Hey, andy.

Your nostrils look
really mad.

Stop torturing ellie
about the nanny.

Look, the best thing to do
when someone picks on you is

To give them a taste
of their own medicine.

I read that in a magazine. And I
know what you're gonna say,

But I really did read it
in a magazine.

I swear on my mother's life.
What magazine?

What kind of a friend
wouldn't let that slide?

Now my mom is gonna die,
you murder.

Do you know how hard it is

For a man
to find a gift for his wife

That she thinks is for her
but is actually for him?

Lingerie didn't work.
She saw right through that.

Oral sex class?
Ha ha. Huge mistake,

And as it turns out,
really insulting.

But the nanny? Ellie sees
that as totally selfless,

But to me it means being able
to go out to a dinner or a movie

Or even dancing
ce in a while.

Do you know when the last time
I went dancing was, laurie?

Huh? Do ya?
No!

This...

Was still fresh.

How long are you gonna
keep doing that?

come back!

Dad, it won't listen!
It's just a balloon!

I'm gonna get you, baby!
I'm gonna get you!

Aah!

Dad!

Dad?

Oh, thank god.

Wait. Did you know there was
another ledge here?

No. I may have got a little
caught up in the moment.

You almost died!
And for what?

To get your dumb boat
back in the water?

Look, no more driving
senior citizens around for cash,

No more sleeping on benches.

Just no more, okay?

grow up, dad.

Come on. How could
you not laugh at that?

Hey, studly.
Hey. What's up?

You know I-I was
just thinking about

How we get to keep knocking it
out and high-fiving afterwards

Until we die.

I'm so psyched.

You just say, "shall we?"

No problem. Shall we?

Grayson, I can't do this.

No, that's, um,
that's where you say "indeed."

I just-I want more. I do.

I know what I said before,
but that was, like,

18 hours ago,
and that was the old jules.

The new jules-
she shoots from the hip.

Go away.

Look, the only reason
that you and I didn't dive in

Is because we're scared.

I've been makingason
so many decisions my whole life

Out of fear.

I just don't want
to do it anymore.

Come on. We like each other.

Let's do this.
Let's do this.

I don't know
what you want me to say.

Just say...

"why not?"

So how'd it go?

Tosoon?

Just give him some time.

He probably just
thinks this isn't what

he signed up for.
That's what he said.

I don't get it.

No, that's actually
what he said. Ooh.

♪..To hold to get me through
the stage of life ♪

Well, that's twice
I've found you in here.

I'm buying bear spray.

I was just teasing
about the nanny, you wuss.

Look...

I want to tell you something,

But you can't tell jules.

I'm intrigued.

You're kind of my hero.

No, thank you.

Okay, not you personally,

But you have everything-

A great house, great family,

Fancy old lady clothes.

The dirty secret is,

I want your life, not jules'.

She works like a dog.

And I'll tell you what.
If I do marry smith,

Jules is gonna walk
into the office one day,

Look over at my chair,

And there's just
gonna be a puff of smoke.

And when I have a baby,

I'm gonna hire, like,
a 5-person parenting team

Who'll wear uniforms
I design.

You're welcome.

Get dressed, woman!

Whoo-hoo! We're going out!

Let's go get some dinner.
Sure. Why not?

Great. Shall we?

can you ask me another way?

what?

Hello. I'll go, too,

If you're driving.

No way!

I know I've been too broke to do
as much for you as your mom,

But I didn't want you to go off
to college without a car.

Now if we had gotten
that damn balloon,

I could have given her
a new paint job

And fixed those bullet holes.
This is all your dad's doing.

He's been working
extra jobs for months.

Man, now I feel like a tool.

I know. It makes it
even more delicious.

Now you want to take
this panty dropper for a spin?

Yeah, but I want one thing.

Why did you dot?

Why not?

Thanks for getting me
the mustache, guys.

I haven't had one
since eighth grade.

You look like dom deluise
and burt reynolds' love child.

Ha ha. hey, I
got a great idea.

I say we make a man pact
and wear these for a month.

Mean, I wouldn't call that
a "great" idea,

But hey, why not? I'm down.

Well, I'll give
it a shot, fellas,

But once ellie sees this,
she's gonna make me take it off.

She loves this face too much.

What's that on your face?

What is this thing on my face?
I've had it on for a week!

A week! Seriously?

Calm down.
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