All language subtitles for Cougar.town.S01E18.2HD.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Well, where's Jules? The
show's about to start.

I can't believe you guys
get together every week

to watch this crap.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Travis, one of these young singers

is going to be this
country's next idol.

You hate America,
Travis? I do.

While we wait,

we should watch Andy's old
stand-up tape from college.

What was your catchphrase again?
Bitches be loco.

It's funny 'cause it's
true. You could've killed me!

Oh, calm down.
No, you calm down!

She was talking on her phone
the whole time she was driving.

We almost hit a cop. It was a
crossing guard. If it was a cop,

I would have slowed down
when she started chasing us.

You can blow that whistle
all you want, sweetie.

No gun, no brakey. Oprah says
talking on your cell while you drive

is crazy dangerous. Does Oprah
say anything about how lame it is

for grown-ass men
to watch "Oprah"?

No. She loves us.
Who wants wine?

Yo! Me!

Right here. All right. That's
five yeses and a "nice try."

Look, I have to
talk on my cell phone

because I'm a
real estate Agent.

Besides, I'm not afraid
of Oprah.

She's not a God.
Take that back.

Andy.
Bitches be loco.

Mmm.

You know, they say you can
get four glasses of wine

out of one bottle. I only
get, like, one and a half.

All right, come and get it.

Oh, hurry. Show's
about to start!

All right, hurry. Let's
go, let's go, let's go,

let's go, let's go! All right, guys.
Wait, wait, guys. No-no spilling.

Travis, you coming?

Nope. I have a life.

Eh!

If I find your other
shoe, I'll mail it to you.

Hurry! Come here.
See ya.

Go ahead.

You know, she's so young,

she might actually
be from the future.

Does her dad work on the
moon? That great. Can I go now?

Mnh-mnh. Not till we
celebrate. Girl chest bump.

Bing!

Again.

Oh, Tom.

It's my birthday.

Do it for him.

Bing!

All right, we're here.

What's the big surprise?

I've been thinking about how
bad I'll miss you when you go off

to college next year. Ah,
you've got pictures of him.

Let's focus on who'll never
leave ya. Bing!

That was the plan, then
I saw this dude. Pow!

Holy mother!

Aw, you got a pony!

Hey, Travis. U look
a little hungry.

I name all my
favorite things Travis.

I'm oddly flattered.

Oh!
Calm down, big fella.

Be careful for little Travis.
You don't call me Travis.

Oh, I hate talking to
you while u're driving.

Promise me you're being
safe. I'm being totally safe.

I'm knee-driving. Jules!

Hey, I'm not the only one!
Buddy.

We both did finger guns.

Focus, Jules. You're
meeting with the Petersons.

Remember, their house has that really nice
fence!

Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, hey!

Let me tell you why
I'm the right person

to sell your house.

Well, let me get my
listing agreement.

Now this is a great Merlot,

and I can sell you a case
of it at an amazing price.

It's nice, Sara, but the name is throwing me
-"hurpã©s"?

It's french. It's er-pay.

Look, I'm gonna put you
down for three of 'em.

And, uh, I'll throw
in an extra case

if you take me out for dinner.
Are you serious?

Be careful.

Check out the outfit-

long-sleeved shirt with a t-shirt over
it. Does he Chase after young tail?

His house is like a clown car for barely
legal bimbos. Do you two know each other?

No. Tell you what
if you ever want to have a meal

with a grown-up,
give me a call.

And, uh, I'm as old
as 2 20 year olds,

so maybe it'll feel
like a mã©nage ã  trois.

French.
Thanks for the herpes.

It's an inside joke.

Oh, it sounds hilarious.

Honey, I told you not to talk on
your cell while you're driving.

Laurie, I almost
died. Where's my wine?

All the glasses are in the dishwasher. Well, use
that squeezy bottle that I take to spin class.

I am so
not ready to die.

Here's your medicine.
What about my funeral?

Do you guys even know what
song I want to be played

when I'm being lowered in the casket?
George Michael's "Faith."

That's a lucky guess. Laurie,
do you remember your speech?

"She was more than my best
friend. She was my life."

And then I sink to my
knees, and I scream.

All right. If it feels
right, you can throw up.

Done. Yeah, sure, sure.

Travis, honey, come here.

If I die, I need
to know that...

You will never be
able to move on.

How about I grieve
for a few months,

but then I look for you
in every girl I date? Deal.

What? This is not
funny. When I'm gone,

who's gonna help you not
become too closed off?

Hmm? And, Laurie,
who's gonna make sure

that you believe
in yourself? Well...

You know, most people, when they
have a near-death experience,

they take a hard
look at their o lives.

Well, I don't have any
really obvious vices.

What?

Oh, man, that is good.

Transcript by MY-SUBS.com

I need to take a
look at my own life.

Can you believe that I
spend as much money on wine

as I do food? I
was surprised, too.

I'm gonna have to
cut back on the vino,

yeah, change things up a bit.

Jules, at our age,
we are who we are.

There's no more changing. Well, if
that's true, then how am I gonna have

my antiques store in Paris?
Well, that's easy. You're not.

Well, you just lost
your discount. Ohh.

I'm still young enough to totally
change who I am. We can only hope.

Hey, come on. I
can still change.

That is why I've decided to stop
drinking wine for one month. Ha!

Bye. Why would you do that?

You only have, like, two
glasses of wine a night.

I just came back
for that. Bye again.

He eats bananas fast.

Well, still, I've decided
to stop drinking wine

for one month, and it's
gonna start right now.

Then it's good-bye
for a while.

But I love wine, Jules.

Wine is part of some
of our best memories.

To Monday!

To Monday!

Oh, that was a good
Monday.

But still, there
are plenty of times

that we have fun
without drinking.

Wait. Am I the blue train?

Oh, who cares? Just
roll.

I got wine!

Oh, right. We got wine.

So you're divorced.

How'd your
marriage fall apart?

Wow. That is kind of an after-
I- put-my-napkin-in-my-lap

kind of question.

Fine. Why don't you ease us
in with some of that banter

you use on the young gals? Well,
usually we'll start with middle names,

and then we go to
favorite numbers,

and then if things
are going really well,

then we'll go to
kittens versus puppies.

I like puppies more 'cause it tickles
when they lick you. Let's just do this.

Now... are you close with
your folks? Not a great area.

Okay. Do you see yourself
getting married again?

Also a trouble zone.

One time I was
trekking through Nepal,

and I had to act out
"where can I get a tampon?"

To a monk.

This conversation
harder than that.

Oh, come on. Let...
What's your favorite, um...

What's your favorite
number? Three.

Three.
Three's pretty cool.

Oh... my God.

Mine's five.

What the hell?

You're
you're 20 minutes late.

Is that my co-captn's
hat? He likes to wear it.

Hey, so I'm late.
Travis needed a walk.

Come on.

His brain loves
pancakes, but his tummy does not.

You've been spending all your
time with him. Watch out, buddy.

Elevator, Trav. Good boy.

Did you make this for
him?

Yeah. You know, the
boat's tough on Travis.

You know, my bed's too small
for him to lie across my feet.

So, you know, we sleep face-to-face.
I bet his nose is cold and gross.

Yeah, it is at first, but you
know, my nose warms his up.

Well, are you just gonna
sit there and torture me

by drinking wine?
We're in a bar.

Just let me smell it.

What is
that? Syphilis.

Herpes. Herpes.

Mmm. Have a sip.
Okay, stop it.

I'm gonna do this. Grayson,
you believe in me, don you?

What is it with women your
age needing to know how I feel?

Oh, no. Did someone not
have fun on his big boy date?

"What happened in your
marriage? Are your parents nice?

What are your hopes and
dreams?" I mean, who cares?

Why can't we just talk how real people
talk? That is how real people talk.

Zinger! Come here,
you. All right.

Bing!

No. No "Bing."

Oh, yes, "Bing."

Oh, Tom. Look, I just
prefer younger women.

They're simpler. Their
hair smells like fruit.

They're just more fun. Are they
still more fun after the sex is over?

Uh, that's when they
are the most fun.

So pathetic. Yeah.

That's worth a bing?

Hey! Trav, your
hair looks good.

Thanks. I'm kind of
trying a new look.

Not you, Trav. You, Trav.

This is gonna be years of fun.

I'm gonna go get a camera

and take a picture of my
supermodel. Yeah, buddy!

So... you thought you
could just waltz on in here

and steal him away from me
with that cute hound dog face?

Well, guess what, pally?

I can make that
face, too. Ooh!

Bobby, he's go
yo, he's gonna kill me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What
are you talkin' about?

You're just a big old
sweetie, aren't you, buddy?

Don't be acting weird, Andy.

Oh, you're good.

Oh, my God. That
was, like, so hot.

Hey, I know earlier I said
four was my favorite number,

but it's really six.

I was just scared you'd
think I was a dork.

So what do
you want to do now?

Sometimes being quiet is fun.

Dial Laurie.

Hello?

Bobby? Stupid phone.

Hey, I'm sorry to
call you so early.

It's just that I-I've,
you know, stopped drinking,

so... I just
have all this energy.

I mean, it's 6:00, and I'm up

it's like I'm a farmer.
Oh, what's that noise?

Do you have a girl here?

Without wine, I
just feel better.

I
I sleep better. I even remember my dreams.

You know, in one, I
was my own siamese twin.

I had this tiny,
little right side.

My left side had
to push her around

in a little cart with wheels.

We had this great fiancã© named Jason.
Does this story go on much longer?

Oh, just until my
tiny half murders him.

But in his defense, I will
say she was really buggy. Wow.

I'm painting your mailbox.

Ni hao ma? Niao ma?

Ni hao ma? Ni hao ma?

Seriously, Jules? Mandarin?

Ni hao ma? Ni hao ma?

Ni hao...

Hey, Ellie.

Where are you guys? No
one's answering their phones,

and our favorite
show's about to start.

All right. I know
this sounds crazy,

but seems like
everyone's dodging me.

Oh, there you are.

The show's over,
but I dvr'd it.

And no spoilers,

but the dead brother guy
sang "Cat's in the Cradle."

Tear
fest. Jules...

Oh, there's no
wine, but I did buy everybody

these little environmentally
friendly water bottles.

Oh.

They even have clips so that
you can put 'em on your belt.

Okay. I guess I'm just gonna
have to start. Start what?

"Jules, your friends are here
because the choices you've made

are hurting the
people that you love."

What the hell is this?

This is an
intervention, sweetie.

Mom...

You need to start
drinking again.

Seriously?

Nothing could ever
make me stop loving you

except you not drinking.

12 steps, shmelve steps.
Alcohol makes people fun.

I wrote a few things down.

"This is silly."

That's all I wrote, 'cause
I think this is silly.

No. I will not drink.

I can't believe you guys,

especially you two.
I support both of you

with everything you do,

and if you do something stupid,
I don't rub your noses in it.

I mean, I-I may tell
strangers at the grocery store.

But if they laugh at
you, I say, "no, no, no.

You can't laugh
at my friends."

Because that's the kind
of person that I am.

Bitches
be loco. Es verdad.

If no one
has anything else to say,

I'd like you all to leave.

Hey. Hey! If you guys aren't
taking these, can I have 'em?

They're great!

Come on. Just walk him for me.

Of course that's
why you called me.

Careful,
arod. Dogs smell jealousy.

No, they smell fear.

Then what am I
thinking of? Bees?

No, bees smell joy.
That's why they ruin picnics.

Now I need my two best
friends to get along.

I don't want y'all coming
back until you make peace.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

You know how if you eat too
much of a certain type of candy,

you never want it again?

Well, that's how I
feel about young girls.

Is that the signal
you decided on

for when you're not
following me? It was.

I am sick of
young, silly girls.

I like older gals, you
know? It's just easier.

You get to know
each other, have sex,

decide who
apologizes to who, )

On your way. Yeah, but women our
age just want to mess with your head.

You know, it's like they
know exactly what to say

to freak you out. Commitment!

Aah!

What do you want?

Honey, you were right.

But, you know, as
your best friends,

we should have just
been there for you,

I mean, regardless of which one
of us is your best, best friend.

Obviously me.

Anyway...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Jules. I just
wanted to win so bad.

Well, I hope you two learned
something about what it means-

wait. Is your tongue purple? Stick it out!
I think you two should leave now.

Her lips are purple, too!
She's been drinking wine!

J'accuse!

What is this
-"c.S.I."?

So he wouldn't even tell
you if he likes his parents?

Plus to be cool, he
called the waiter "bro."

That's weak, dude.
Dude's still okay, right?

Oh, dude's timeless. Oh, this
is so much fun.

Look, Sara, I'm really sorry
that our date made you so angry.

I wasn't angry. I was just
disappointed, you know,

with how boring you were.
Are you calling me boring?

Not really a hidden
message, dude.

Don't you have to get back to
your horse dog? He's on a playdate.

Bobby! Stop this crazy thing!

Whoa,
whoa! Travis! Travis!

Look, honey, life
is just too short.

And if you can't be
real with someone,

then you're just
not that interesting.

I mean, not to me, anyway.

♪

me, neither.

Sorry. I just got caught
up in it. She's a fox!

You know what's weird?

After all that, I-I don't
even want this anymore. Really?

Mmm. No.

It's like finding my missing
child, but in a glass.

Congratulations,
Ellie. You were right.

I can't change. I can't,
not even a little bit.

Oh, this stuff is delicious,

but man, it just
tastes so empty.

Jules, reel it in. Don't
get all weird and poignant.

Cherish the years, Laurie.

And we're off. Oh, boy.

I mean, you're still young.

You' got big changes
around every single corner.

I mean, you can still dream
about being a-a painter

or a pastry chef or
an antiques store owner

in Paris who sells such
beautiful old clocks

that they put her picture
on the cover of magazines.

I don't think they put
your picture on magazines

for selling clocks. Ugh. You know
what sucks about getting older?

Is that you still have
all the same dreams

that things are
gonna be different,

you know, in a year,
10 years, 20, whatever.

But deep down inside,
you know those dreams

aren't gonna come true.

You know, I just get
out of bed every day,

and I say, oh, this
is it, you know?

I am who I am.
And then I'll die.

Oh.

Maybe you are done changing.

And that's maybe a good thing,

'cause you're already
such an amazing person

and a great friend and
an incredible mother.

♪...With something ♪

and a great friend nope,
didn't help.Ble mother.

Okay. Cheers.

Ohh!

I want to go he!

♪ am I free or
am I tied up? ♪

You know
what? All right, enough.

I don't like you.

You don't like me. You
want to have it out?

Let's have it out
right here, right now.

Come on. What
are you, chicken?

Come on. Let's do it.

Ooh!

In your face!

Whoa!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, uh, just for the record,

I did not call that waiter
"bro." I called him Joe.

That's his name. Really?

No, it's Donny, but "bro" is
still cool, and you know it.

All right, fine.
You want real?

You're an annoying woman.

Yeah. We sat for two seconds
before you started peppering me

with questions about
what I want from life.

Look, just let me
have a piece of bread,

and then I'll tell you if
you're gonna have my baby, okay?

Look, I was married to
a woman who betrayed me

so completely that I almost
lost all capacity to care

about anything or anyone,
but I'm supposed to trust you

because you smiled at
me over a glass of wine?

Give me a break.

♪ I'm still an animal ♪

♪ I change shapes just
to hide in this place ♪

what just happened?

You got interesting.

♪ I'm still an animal ♪

Help me! Oh, God!
Did you just hear something?

Please, somebody, get him
off my head! Get off me!

♪

are you ever gonna
stop

What? What
are we stopping?

Are you
gonna kill yourself

on the side of the road?

Don't be selfish.
Do it at home.

It's a call from a clit.
See, after the accident,

I don't talk on the phone
anymore when I drive,

because it's too Dan
oh, my God.

Ellie, I've been
doing this for years,

and I just stopped. Bite
me! I can still change!

I just almost
had to die first.

Hey, I bet if I almost
died from drinking wine,

I could stop doing that, too.
I'm not sure that's a great point.

♪ nobody knows it
but me when I slip ♪

I win, world!

I'm gonna have an antiques
shop in Paris! That's right.

I'm gonna be on the
cover of magazines!

Aah!

That is not cool!

You guys swear you're okay?

We got it all out.

Then shake on it.

No. Don't
leave him hanging, Andy.

There it is!

Friends forever.

This ain't over.

See you
tomorrow, Bobby! See you later!