All language subtitles for Cougar.town.S01E16.P0W4.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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(whispers) she's my age.

Do you really think
she's gonna buy this place?

I'm gonna show you how to close
on a 28-year-old.

Hey, beth, let me break this
down for you, okay?

You're young,
you got a good career going.

You look like you're ready
to leap into adulthood.

But that's hard to do when you
still have to label your food

So your "roomie" doesn't
steal it. So true.

It's like she doesn't get

What "bitch, don't touch my
pizza rolls" means. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Beth, don't you feel like your
grown-up life should start here? Mm.

I mean, I could see you
drinking wine over there

After you got engaged

Or sitting quietly on
the balcony after your mom dies.

(under breath)
why'd I go so dark?

(normal voice)
well, I can't help it,

Because this place is real.

I mean, this is a home.
This is your home.

Yeah.
Yes.

Plus, they redid the carpet,

Since the previous owner
was brutally murdered.

Yeah, lots of blood.
What?

(laughs)
look at jenny jokester.

(under breath) what the hell are you doing?
(whispering) jules, I want this place.

Real?
I wanna be a grown-up so bad.

Oh, my god.
It's finally happened.

I'm so proud of you.
(squeals)

(door rattles)
why is this cupboard locked?

(whispering) that's where
they found the head. Oh.

Yeah. Horrible.

Oh, what up, reading glasses?

You get those for your 1,000th
birthday? You are the only one

That finds my deteriorating eyesight
amusing. Nuh-unh. Come on, j-bird.

What'd we use to call ellie
when she had that fake tan?

Uh, thin? Beautiful?

I- I-I don't remember.

Chester cheetah. Blammo!
(laughs)

You were orange.

I was glowing.

Oh, ease up, ellie.

We're friends.
Friends zing each other!

Oh! We are not friends.

Human beings cannot be friends
with chimps. Sure, they can.

My buddy darryl was best friends with his
chimp binky. That's true. Until binky turned 6,

And then he got angry onday and ripped off
darryl's nards. Yeah, they're still friends,

But they're just
not best friends.

(cell phone rings)
hello?

What up, "grey's anatomy"?
(horn honks in distance)

Great show, by the way. Not ashamed to
say it. You're preachin' to the choir.

Anyway, what's up? I just won 200
bucks in my basketball pool, baby.

What should we do?
How about you come over here,

And we'll pay off your giant
bar tab? (laughs) come on, man.

That tab's not real.
It's just numbers.

Right now, you can
consider that money mine.

Oh, man!

(cans rattle, loud bang)

Hello?

Hi.

(laugh hey.

Whew! Sorry, ma'am. I just-
I'm holding a lot of cash,

And I thought you were about
to roll me. You thought right.

Oh, fudge.
(whack)

Thanks again for goingver
my finances with me.

No problem.

You buy a lot of tuna melts
and breath mints.

It's a vicious cycle.

(chuckles) laurie,
you are way too old

To have pictures of actors
on your folder.

Ooh, but look at his abs. If he
was, like, two years older...

(clicks tongue)
all right, fine. Five years.

Try 20.
Is he 8?

No. Zac efron turned 22
on October 18th.

What?
I googled him last night.

Why?

Mrs. Zac efron.

No reason.

Anyway, laurie, you can
absolutely afford this condo.

There's just one problem.

Your credit sucks.

You can still get a loan.

You just need someone
to co-sign.

Oh, no, no, no. No.
Sweetie, I love you,

But I'd be watching
every dime you spend.

I'd be like your mom,
and I so don't want that.

You're my younger sister.
I'm your slightly older sister.

(laurie and andy click tongues)
oh, just let me have it, guys.

(laughs)

Hey, trav.

You know how you said yoneeded
money to take kylie out?

Well, I will pay you
to yank this off.

I tried the other arm,
and I almost blacked out.

Mnh-mnh. Come on. Drop
the hammer for mama

Mom, there's gotta be a line
somewhere, doesn't there?

I mean,
you're with me, right?

(rip)
ow! Wow.

I enjoyed that. Great. I'll
see you every nine days.

This couldn't get weirder.

I'm keeping this.
Standing corrected.

(cell phone rings)

(beep)
oh. Hey, bobby.

Robbed?

All right,
here you go, honey.

I want to kill
the bastard who hurt you!

I- I don't care if they throw me
in jail. I don't.

Sorry, babe. I'm ready to
throw my life away over this.

I know, boo boo.
What if you had been killed?

I mean,
travis wouldn't have a father.

I- I could not handle that.
I mean, sure, I'd get

A lot of sympathy,
and that would be nice.

Ooh, probably a lot of random
hugs from total strangers.

Oh, why does someone have to die
for me to get random hugs?

Doesn't seem fair.
No.

Well, you're
taking this pretty well.

So are you, since it was your
money that got stolen. Excuse me?

You said consider that money yours, ergo,
you got robbed. I love hillbilly logic.

That's not how it works.

Somebody tell him that
that's not how it works.

So did you get a look at the
guy? Yeah, he had pretty lips.

Wh-
I kinda got mugged by a chick.

Did she have a knife?
No.

A gun? A bat? Anything scary?
No. No. No. Nope.

You let an unarmed girl
take my money?

Oh! Y'all heard that, right?
He said his money.

Yeah, crystal clear. Oh, we
heard it. Legally binding.

Now you chime in?
Well, now it's fun.

Just to let you know,

For the next few days,
I plan on being indisposed.

I'm going to my-
all right, freeze.

I don't want to hear
your sex stories.

Because of you, I still
can't use yoga mats at the gym

Or eat
chocolate-covered anything.

I'm just going back
to my dermo.

That's right, cher.
Barb's gonna turn back time.

Hello? May I help you?

No one was here so I thought I'd just do a
little snoopin'. I'm gonna need more than that.

Now why do you he a post-it here
that says "I'm awesome"? Because I am.

All right, listen,

You need to get your crazy ass
out of here right now,

Or I'm gonna call
plaza security,

And they're gonna
rollerblade right over here

In, like, 40 minutes.
And if you try anything,

I'm gonna stab you in the neck
with this clicky pen. (pen clicks)

Hi, mom.

Mom?

Whew. You're lucky.
(pen clicks)

Transcript by MY-SUBS.com

So, mom,
I haven't seen you

Since you ran off
with that doctor.

I heard he got busted
for feing up old ladies.

He got off.

It was a classic case
of "he said/they all said."

Let me say that your daughter
laurie is-is just amazing.

She really is.

She's my friend and-well, hell,
you're more than my friend.

Shut up!

Are you two lesbians?
Which one's the dude?

(laughs)
we're not lesbians, mom!

I mean, she'd be the dude.
What?

Oh, come on.

I could totally see us dating.
We'd be like ellen and portia.

I call portia.
I call portia.

So did you talk to your mom
about co-signing for the condo?

Not yet,

But, hey,
thanks for jumping in.

Wow. I'm sorry.
I- I'm-I'm gonna leave you two.

(chuckles) okay.

Oh, my god. Laurie, your butt
looks amazing in those jeans.

(mouths word)
bye, ellen.

I'm gonna be portia.

Are you still grouchy
about my alleged tab?

Oh! Head fake!

(high-pitched voice)
good-bye, delicious beer!

Oh!
(makes slurping sounds)

Mmm! Hmm!

That's hateful.

I felt bad
about you getting mugged,

So I bought you some stuff.

A rape whistle

To help you ward off
other scary lady muggers...

Some of that yogurt
that makes old gals poop...

At stuff really works.
Like, boom! (chuckles)

And some tampons.

Ooh! Awesome!

Hey, if I puthese in
the machine in the ladies' room,

Can I get some nachos?
(scoffs)

How are you not embarrassed?
Sorry, ellie. Can't be done.

It's true. This is a guy
whose main goal in life

Is to party so hard he craps
his pants in every country.

I already knocked off
america and mexico.

(chuckles) mexico was easy.

(mutters) that's nice.

(doorbell rings)

Hello?

Barb?

I responded to your ad
for an errand boy?

(barb) there's money
and a list on the table.

When you return,
knock like this...

Then wait 80 seconds
for me to return to the shadows.

Are you gonna murder me?

I've done things to myself,

Things your sweet young eyes
shouldn't see.

This is weird.

So my mom can't co-sign.
Her job's not going great.

What does she do? She pretends that
people back their cars into her.

Whatever.

It's just not the right time
for me to buy a condo.

My mom's in crazy debt,

That's your money. You tell your mom
- just gonna help her get back on her feet. Okay, could we just maybe not laurhave this conversation

In front of everyone?
All right, don't feel weird.

We all have our embarrassing
family members.

Hello!

That wasn't a coincidence.

I was out back
waitin' for an entrance line.

My dad drank himself to death. That's
not embarrassing. That's horrible.

He peed his pants a lot.
That's a little funny.

(laughs)
my brother was a cheerleader,

And he wears kimonos all the time.
So you have a gay brother. Big deal.

Rick's not gay! He's got
a taffy shop up in vermont

With his roommate steve.

(gasps) oh. He is gay.
You think?

Oh. That's cool.

The point is,
we all have that relative,

But you cannot get sucked up
in their craziness.

They will take you down with
them. Jules, it's my mom.

Honey, just please try
to stay out of this, okay?

Yeah, but-

No "yeah buts."
just promise.

Yeah, but...

Mm. All right, fine.
I- I promise.

Thank you.

(coin clinks)
ohh!

(coin clinks)

(both, high-pitched voice)
♪ penny can! ♪

(normal voice) oh, grayson,
you're gonna love

The new nny can rule
bobby made.

You have to sing when someone makes
it. I don't care. You know what?

We're gonna pay off your bar tab
today one way or another.

You gotta have something on here
that's worth something.

Does this work? Works as a
container for old envelopes.

And if you're puttin' on a play, it
makes a good prop toaster. (coin clinks)

(all, high-pitched voice)
♪ penny can! ♪

(normal voice)
you're right. I love it.

You know, bobby,
the, uh, mugger-

She's got your wallet
so she knows where ya live.

Don't you worry.
I got protection.

To scare off intruders,
I bought a barking dog cd.

(coin clanks)

Ooh, rim shot.

Aah! Ow!

New rim shot rule.
I like it.

Ooh!
H!

Let's go.

Oh.

Hi, sheila.

It's nice to, um...
Hello.

I'm having a "me" day-
new clothes, new makeup.

Lookie, permanent eyeliner. You
can touch it. No, no. I trust you.

No, no, it's not goin' anywhere.
Okay, p-please let me stop.

So you're laurie's mom.
I'm ellie.

Are you a friend of
laurie's, too? I'm ellie.

You have nice hair.
See ya.

Well, she's not that bad.

Oh, come on. She is out
spending laurie's money.

I think laurie would want me
to say something.

Well, I'm gonna do it.
Put the brows down.

(rhythmic knocks on door)

Entre.

(door creaks)

(pills rattling)
got your painkillers.

My will is fading.

I'm sure it's not bad.
Let me see.

No!

Innocence should be lost
in the bedroom...

Or on
a commercial cruise liner.

I can handle it. Promise.

Be kind.

Uhh!
(thud)

(loud bang)

Hello? Someone out there?

Okay, I got a vicious dog.
Don't I, boy?

(dog barking to tune of
"jingle bells")

(whispers) damn.

(door creaks)

(grunts)

Aah!

(purring)

(laughs) aah!

Give me all your money!
What the heck?

(grayson, andy and ellie
laugh and scream) aah! Ohh!

I don't like when people scare me! It
makes me feel dumb. (dog continues barking)

Dumb like embarrassed?

I think you couldn't
be embarrassed.

(grunts)

Why are there dogs
singing christmas carols?

That's a fancy oven.

How'd you get someone
to buy it for you?

You must have a sugar coochie.

I might have a sugar coochie,
but I paid for that oven.

Why'd you ask me over here?

Look, laurie is in a place
in her life right now

Where she can stand on
her own two feet.

I know as a mom you-you don't
want to get in the way of that.

You have no right to judge me.
I raised her.

I paid for perms,

Candy cigarettes,
real cigarettes.

She owes me.
Now I'm gettin' mine.

You know, I don't normally say
mean things. I think them.

I write them
on scrap pieces of paper

And put them in my purse.

I read them
at night to the mirror

And pretend I actually am
saying them.

But with you,
I'm making an exception.

Now there is only one good mom
standing in this room,

And her middle name
is, unfortunately, kiki.

It's a long, sad story.

Uh, the-the point is,
you're a horrible mom. Jules!

You promised.

Yeah, but...

Oh, crap.

It's not my fault, laurie.

I- I was being nice, but then
she stepped to me in my kitchen.

Nice try... Kiki.
(whispers) don't you dare.

I love laurie,

Even if her being born was the
reason her daddy left. Who says that?

It's true.
Daddy got his, though.

Never got reelected
state treasurer again.

Who's laughin' now,
real wife and kids?

See, laurie's already
got me,

So stop trying to be her mom.
We've already been over this.

I'm more like her slightly
older sister. (clicks tongue)

Oh, what the hell? Is this a
family gesture? I'm outta here.

Laurie, are you coming?

I'm sorry, jules.

Uh, so I gotta
get my niece home

Because I never cleared it
with her parents.

You all right, princess?
Hey, hit the bricks.

Ha ha!

I get why she's picking on me.
But you?

My guys?
My murdoch and face?

Until you pay your tab,
I have no loyalty to you.

Huh.

What about you, face?

Hos he face? He isn't...

Ellie thought
it would be good for me

To see you knocked off
your pedestal.

Andy.
I forgive you, brother.

How's he face?

You can open your eyes.

I don't think I can.
Stop being such a baby.

A chemical peel
is nothing more than

A second-degree burn
induced by concentrated acid.

You look like a grape.

Does it hurt? Like a
thousand sons of bitches.

Barb...

I'm so sorry.

(whispers) thanks, kiddo.

Hey.

I know you probably don't
want to ever see me again

After yesterday,
but I-I wanted to come in, so...

What are you talking about?

Hey, I got us
some doughnuts.

What's wrong?

(voice breaks) I can't
believe you don't hate me.

Hate you?

Oh, my god,
that is so sad.

Well, now you're gonna
make me cry, too.

Oh, crap. I think
I just wt it too much.

(laughs)

Look, that's your mom.

Yeah. I'm on your
side. I love you.

You are so supportive
and amazing.

And... Wait.

That was your whole strategy,
wasn't it?

To be so super nice

That I-I would just handle this
the way that you wanted me to,

To make you happy. (chuckles)
it's pretty genius, isn't it?

(laughs)

I made you dance.

(making clicking sounds)
(speaking indistinctly)

(laughs) I don't get it. You
don't let anyone walk over you.

♪♪♪♪

That I wasn't good enough
to do...

Well, anything.

Plus, she fights dirty.
I mean, she knows

The exact place to punch
a person to make them throw up.

It's actually really badass.

No matter what,
I'm with you.

Okay, now come here.

Oh! (chuckles)
(chuckles)

(gasps)

Tears.

I've got it!

Oh!

Why are you following me?
Well, I don't work,

So I thought I'd spend the day
drinking in your embarrassment.

It's so delicious. Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Don't do that.

A woman in there thinks she can
tell my daughter how to act.

Lady, just-just chill out,
all right? (exhales deeply)

Puke punch.

Ohh! (gags)

Whoa!
God, it's gonna come up!

What the hell
are you doing?!

Oh, don't bother me.
Oh!

Oh! You-are you crazy?!

(sighs) there have been
so many times in my life

That I've wanted
to stand up to her.

Gosh, do you think she at all wants
to be a better person? (ellie grunting)

(gasps) holy crap!

All right, come on, bitch!
I'm begging ya!

W- what-what are you,
(gasps) a latin king?!

Mom, what the hell
are you doing?!

I saw you hugging
that woman.

"that woman"
happens to be my family.

And so are they.
Well, you know, he is, anyway.

(groans)
oh, does it ever stop?

(vomits)

God, I love you,
but I'm so sick of your crap.

Look, when you're ready
to be with me for me

And not because you need
something like...

(scoffs) money or urine
for your parole officer,

I will be right here.

You win.
I hope you're happy.

(laughs) oh, yeah, because
that's what this is all about.

(sighs)

♪

Go ahead, jules.
Yes!

(laughs)

Man, andy, you should've
seen your wife.

She's a fighter.
(chuckles)

Yeah. She always wins
when we sex wrestle.

Really? Oh, come
on. I can share that.

It's not like we wear masks
or anything.

Well, I don't.

♪

Hey, you know what
I just realized, ellie?

You took the time
to pull a prank on me

And you had my back
in a fight.

That's friends stuff. We're
friends again, aren't we? (gasps)

Andy, out.

♪

I don't want him
wetting the floor.

Say we're fries.

Look, since you and jules
got divorced,

I have noticed
some changes.

I think
you're a good father.

I think you're trying to be
a less ridiculous person.

So fine, maybe we're closer
to being...

I'm you're friend.

Yes, you're my friend.

Yes! Ah, ha ha!

Oh, ho! I am alive again!

Oh, I see stars! Oh!

Don't peek.

Don't peek.
(laughs)

All right. Surprise!

Honey, if you want me
to work over the weekend,

You just have to ask.

No, these are the closing papers
on your condo.

- I co-signed your loan.
- Jules!

No, it's too much.

No, no, honey, I wanted to.
Thank you.

(laughs)
ndy) it's over!

(jules and laurie) aah! It's
over! Oh, the feud has ended!

Oh, ho ho!

They're friends again!
Ha ha ha!

It's over! Yes!

I'm sorry, barb.

I don't know what spanx are,

But I know I don't want
to help you put yours own.

Oh
okay, bye.

(sighs) you know why
I feel sorry for her?

Because she's all alone.

I mean, she's got kids
of her own,

But she won't
ask them for help

Because she's not comfortable
feeling vulnerable around them.

Let's never let that
be us, okay?

It's time again.
Oh, please, god, no.

Grayson's not home.

And you don't have to
pull them off.

Just hold on to the tape, and
I'll run away. (sighs deeply)

One...

Two...

(loud rip)
ow!

Ugh! Ugh! (cries and whines)

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