All language subtitles for Mister Ed S01E15 Ed the Stoolpigeon

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪♪ [theme]

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

How are the carrots, Ed?

Delicious.

Want some more?

No, thanks. I've had it.

- Wilbur.
- Yeah?

I'm lucky.

Nice stable, all
the food I can eat,

and a wonderful owner.

You deserve it, Ed.

Why don't you adopt
me and make it legal?

You're already
one of the family.

I mean, there's
you, Carol, and me.

Just the three of us.

[Mister Ed chuckles]
That's my boy.

[door opens]

Wilbur, how would you
like to join me for lunch?

You know, a nice meat sandwich,

some French-fried
potatoes, pickles?

Mmm, sounds good.

Would you mind preparing it?

Well, why don't we wait
till the girls get back, huh?

Oh, you know where my wife is?

She's with Carol.

Today they're working
for the Humane Society.

There they go again.

Once again our dear wives

are off on another one
of those civic projects.

In the meantime we join
the legion of the hungry.

Yup, Stomachs Anonymous.

There should be a Humane
Society for husbands.

Oh, do you mind if I browse
through your refrigerator?

I looked in mine, and
even the light was out.

- Help yourself.
- Thank you.

In the meantime, in
case the cupboard is bare,

throw me a carrot.

[Mister Ed snorts]

[dog yelping]

What's that?

You can bet it ain't a horse.

I wish Addison would
let me buy a poodle.

Doesn't he like dogs?

He barely tolerates me.

Oh, come on, Pierre.
Come to your Aunt Kay.

- Oh, doll.
- Hello, girls.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi, honey.

Cute little dog. Who's is it?

Ours.

Honey, Kay and I have
been working at the pound,

and he was so cute.

I just couldn't resist
bringing him home.

Honey, I don't mind
you getting a dog,

but couldn't you
get a man's dog?

I mean, these dogs are
so frail and and pune...

Welcome to the family.

[splutters]

Well, he's a cute
little thing, isn't he?

What's his name?

Pierre. He's a lost dog.
Nobody claimed him.

If you offer him a
biscuit, he rolls over.

If somebody offered me
a biscuit, I'd roll over, too.

Oh, come on, doll. I'll
fix your lunch right now.

Did I neglect my sweetheart?

I don't know about
him, but I'm starving.

Oh, come on.

[Kay] Roger, wait.

Don't you want to see the
cute tricks Pierre can do?

I do not like these
barking, noisy creatures.

He can't forget the time that
a dog bit him on the beach.

Neither can the dog.
I bit him right back.

Come on, Kay. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Come on, Pierre, let's see
if you can do some tricks.

- Yeah.
- Oh, you're so cute.

Maybe he can sit up, huh?

Come on, Pierre, sit up. Sit up.

Sit up. Come on, sit...

- Oh!
- Hey, that's great.

Isn't that adorable?

Just the three of us, huh?

Carol, I want you and
Wilbur to see the sweater

that I got for little Pierre.

Sure, come on over.

Addison, doll, wait till
you see what I just bought.

Woman, have you
no regard for money?

Of course. I love it.

Then why do you
get rid of it so fast?

How do you like it?

Beautiful. Wear
it in good health.

You know it's for Pierre.

My money is buying
ermine for a dog?

How come you
didn't buy him mink?

Don't be silly, doll.

It wouldn't go
with his coloring.

Ermine for a dog, and I have
to scrounge for a sandwich.

Oh, is this so
marvelous? I love it.

[Roger] Hello, Carol.

[Wilbur] Hi, Roger.

Carol, look what
I got for Pierre.

Any dog would
love it, wouldn't he?

Oh, it's adorable.

Wilbur, look, an ermine
sweater for Pierre.

Oh, Roger, you shouldn't.

Oh, Wilbur, I didn't.

[Kay] I hope
it's the right size.

If it's too small, Pierre can
always wear it as a stole.

[Carol] Oh, Wilbur, look.

[Kay] Hold still, Pierre.
You'll love every minute of it.

What a beautiful fit. Isn't
it a beautiful fit, Roger?

I like the cut of the pockets.

[overlapping chatter]

This town's not big
enough for both of us.

That French mutt has got to go.

[bugle playing Reveille]

It's 1:00. Up, Pierre!
Rise and shine!

Bark. Wake up
that Roger Addison.

- [barking]
- Louder, Pierre.

Let's hear it for old
Ed. Come on, bark.

[chuckles] That's a
nice, little, stupid dog.

[barking continues]

I knew this would happen.

I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, please don't call Wilbur.

It's 1:00, and you'll wake them.

Fine. We'll have a pajama party.

Wrong number.

Please, doll,
they're our friends.

Don't start anything.

I am not going to
spend the rest of my life

falling out of bed at
1:00 in the morning.

Oh, now, calm
yourself, sweetheart.

Oh, there's a nice doggy.

- Doll?
- [barking continues]

Let's go to sleep.

Sorry I'm late with
your breakfast, Ed,

but I had to feed Pierre.

You know, it's hard to find out

what a little dog wants.

[Mister Ed] Well, that's okay.

As long as the
little fellow's happy.

Say, I hope his barking
didn't wake you up last night.

What barking?
Didn't hear a thing.

Wilbur, there's something
I'd like to talk to you about.

I know. I'm sorry our dog
woke you up last night.

- It won't happen again.
- Oh, you sold him?

No. I'm going to spend the
day teaching him not to bark.

You're a strange man, Wilbur.

First a horse, now a dog.

When do the camels move in?

Anybody who doesn't like
dogs is no good in my book.

♪♪ [Reveille]

Hey, meatloaf, rise and shine.

Wake up that grouch Addison.

Come on, Pierre, bark.

Uh-oh, Wilbur's
training got to him.

Come on, Pierre, bark.

Like this... [fakes barking]

[barking]

That's it. Keep it up.

Doll, watch your blood pressure.

Never mind my blood
pressure. I'm going to get rid

of that mutt, or
I'll move to a zoo.

- But doll...
- [barking continues]

[Carol] I'm worried about him.

[Mister Ed snores]

[Wilbur] Worried about him?

Woke me out of a sound sleep.

Aw, poor baby. I wonder
why he was barking.

Maybe he heard a noise.

Impossible. It would
have awakened Ed.

[Ed snores]

Wilbur, you promised. Now, I
think I bet... 1:00 in the morning.

I don't care what you say. I
think I've been very nice about this.

- And that dog...
- You're absolutely right.

What's wrong with little Pierre?

What is wrong with him?

Carol thinks the dog may
have heard a sudden noise.

That was me falling out of bed.

Kids, don't be
angry with Addison.

He's a little nervous

because he hasn't been
sleeping very much lately.

I mean... Bye, now.

Why can't you fall asleep?

Pity he can't count
sheep. Maybe he's hungry.

Oh, I'll get him some warm milk.

[snoring]

Ed?

Coming, Mother.

[groggily] Oh, hi,
Wilbur. What's up?

Pierre woke up the Addisons
again with his barking.

That poor little pup,
he's probably teething.

You might be right.

He needs love, affection,
someone who cares.

Ed, you are all heart.

Aw.

We've got to do
something for that little dog.

I sure will.

Operator, get me the
Police Department.

Oh, come on, Roger.

We want you over for breakfast.

Roger?

[snoring]

Roger.

What? What? What's that, Wilbur?

We want you and
Kay over for breakfast.

[snores]

We're sorry about last night.

I promise it won't happen again.

What do you say, Roger?
Will you come over?

We're having your
favorite... Kippers.

[snores]

- Roger.
- Huh?

Kip... Kippers? No, no, this
is not the Kipper residence.

You have the wrong
number. This is Mr. Addison.

Roger, don't hang up.

This is Wilbur.

Carol is having your
favorite for breakfast...

Kippers.

Kippers? Well, why
didn't you say so?

Yeah, we'll be right over.

Kippers?

- Okay, honey,
they're coming.
- Oh, wonderful.

Kay once told me that
Roger loves kippers.

Well, he'll flip over yours.

Nobody kips a
kipper like you do, kid.

[doorbell rings]

- Mr. Post?
- Yes.

- You own a dog?
- Yes. What's wrong?

We've had a complaint

that your dog's barking is
waking the neighborhood.

- What?
- This is a warning.

Next time we'll
have to take action.

Who complained?

A Mr. Thompson.

Thompson?

Officer, there's no Thompson
in this neighborhood.

Well, you know how it is.

Neighbors sometimes
hesitate to use their right name.

I'd keep that dog
quiet if I were you.

Mr. Thompson.

I wonder who that is.

Kippers.

Oh, that heavenly odor.

Hi, Roger.

Good morning. Oh,
they look delicious.

[sighs]

Did I forget to say, "May I?"

Don't act so innocent...
Mr. Thompson.

What are you talking about?

We're talking about a man who
would stab his neighbor in the back

when his dog was turned.

Now, go in the house
and play with Addison.

Good morning, darlings.

Look at the cute little booties

that I bought for Pierre.

No kippers for me, no
booties for that hound.

Don't you call my dog a hound.

Kay, you belong to
the Humane Society.

How could you let
Roger do a thing like that?

What did he do,
eat all the kippers?

They've accused me of
turning their dog in to the police.

They did?

Well, that wasn't very
nice of you, Addison.

Kay, I did not.

Now, wait a minute, Thompson.

And stop calling me Thompson.

Honestly, you two.

Here, sit down, Roger.

Here, honey. Sit
down here please.

[chuckles]

It will soon be just
the three of us again.

Pierre ought to love
that little doghouse.

I can't get over that
guy calling the police.

He makes Fagan
look like a girl scout.

Well, that Addison, he
brings out the beast in me.

Unbelievable.

Wish I could buy back
my introduction to him.

Post.

What is it, Thompson?

You know my name.

It's on that hammer
you borrowed last week.

Since when is your
name Sears Roebuck.

There are my initials,
right there... R.A.

Huh, Rotten Apple.

See here, Wilbur...

You're tarnishing
my belt buckle.

For your information,
it will never tarnish.

I gave you that belt
for your birthday,

and the buckle is solid gold.

Gold plated.

Oh, I suppose you had it priced.

I didn't have to.

You left the price
ticket in the box.

I'm not ashamed of what I
paid for it. That cost me 13.95.

3.95. You put a one
in front of the three.

Look, the stores
don't close till 5:00.

Maybe you can get
your money back.

I don't care about
the 3.95 I... [gasps]

[growls]

I don't see you returning that
tie I gave you for Christmas.

Temper, temper, temper.

I gave you something
for Christmas, too.

Oh, all right.

Happy now?

No. I gave you a hat.

And stop being childish.

Me, childish?

You phoned the
police, and I'm childish.

I did nothing of the
kind. Oh, what's the use?

[chuckles]

Please get up.

You are denting my dichondra.

Roger, what happened?

Wilbur... Where's your shirt?

Well, Mr. Thompson here...

I'll explain later.

Carol, whatever
you saw in that man

is not there anymore.

Come on, now, boys. Wait, Roger.

Wilbur, make up. Say something.

Okay.

Get off my property.

Wilbur, please.

I do not want to
discuss it anymore.

[chuckles] Idiots.

Here's something
for your nerves, doll.

How can Wilbur accuse
me of turning in his dog?

You never know who your friends
are till a thing like this happens.

Oh, you're right, dear.

Now tell me. Why
did you call the police?

Kay, you've got to believe me.

Well, you really
don't like Pierre.

May I lose every
penny I have in the bank

if I called the police.

Now I believe you.

Carol, sweetie?

Right here, Kay.

Sweetie, we've got to get this
thing settled once and for all.

- Now where's Wilbur?
- Upstairs.

Kay, if Roger would
only apologize to Wilbur.

Well, that's why I came over.

Addison never called the police.

Are you sure?

He swore on his money belt,
and that's good enough for me.

Wilbur? Wilbur.

- Yes?
- Kay is here,

and she said that Roger
did not make that phone call.

Oh. Then he's not
really Mr. Thompson?

Well, if he were, then
I'd be Mrs. Thompson.

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Post, I just had
another complaint.

I'm sorry, but I've come
to pick up your dog.

Who complained?

That same Mr. Thompson again.

Did it sound like he
had a moustache?

I don't know who he is,

but he sure doesn't
like barking dogs.

Excuse me.

I'm afraid I'll have to pick
up your dog. Where is he?

He's out back.

Just a minute, Officer. Do you
have a warrant to arrest that dog?

- Yes. Have you got one?
- Oh, come now, folks.

This is America, where
every dog has its rights.

- Take it easy.
- Our Constitution guarantees
freedom of speech.

Our dog can't
speak, so he barks.

Look, I've got a job to do.

Now where'd that dog go?

There he is! Come back here!

- Run, Pierre! Run!
- Run! Run, Pierre!

Run!

Doll, you've got to take
something for your nerves.

Kay, I did not make that
first call, nor the second.

And I don't understand why
Wilbur doesn't believe me.

Well, sweetie, sometimes
you don't believe me, either.

That's different. We're married.

- Have another pill.
- I don't need a pill.

I've got one living next door.

And I'm going over and
have a talk with him right now.

Oh, but Addison, dear,
please. You'll be sick.

You're so nervous.

[Pierre barking]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me.
- You get out of my house.

- I've come to get my dog.
- But Addison, you wanted
to speak to Wilbur.

In his house. He's not
welcome in my house.

It's guys like you that give
stool pigeons a bad name.

- Where's the dog?
- That way.

Excuse me. Excuse me, Kay.

Will you kindly leave my house?

I'd like to take my arm with me.

And I'll thank you never to
bother my lawn mower again.

Don't worry. And the next time
I catch you sniffing my roses,

I'll phone the police.

Did the dog run through here?

Post, the minute you
moved in next door,

- I knew there'd be trouble.
- Excuse me.

Any man that would
turn in a little dog...

Excuse me.

Would sell out his own brother.

And at a profit.

I don't have a brother.

The best thing that
could've happened to him!

What are you doing here,
you little troublemaker?

[Pierre whines]

Ed, is Pierre in there?

No. I haven't seen
the little angel.

Addison called the police again.

They want to take
Pierre back to the pound.

Well, maybe the little fellow
would be happier there.

Ed, don't say that.

When a dog gets marked as a
troublemaker, nobody wants him.

- Mm.
- He'd spend the rest
of his life in the pound.

- The rest of his life?
- Yes. And he's just
a little puppy.

Imagine Pierre being locked
up for the rest of his life,

no family, nothing.

I never thought of that.

Yes, that's what'll
happen to Pierre,

locked up until he's
too old, and then...

- Wilbur.
- Yeah?

I've got a confession to make.

Confession? What?

I am Mr. Thompson.

What?

You made those phone calls?

Yeah.

Ed, why did you do it?

Well, since Pierre came here,

you don't know I'm alive.

Oh, Ed.

You've got no
reason to be jealous.

Well, there's nobody around
here could ever take your place.

You mean that, Wilbur?

Of course I do.

Ed, we're buddies.

Let's shake on it.

All right. Let's shake.

[Ed yawning]

Am I keeping you up?

The police are here.

Did you see the dog?

Officer, you can
forget about it.

Mr. Thompson said he's
calling off his complaint.

- He did, huh?
- Yes.

He said he'd call
the police station

and talk to the
sergeant personally.

I wish that Thompson
would make up his mind.

Flatfoot.

What did you say?

Believe me, I
didn't say anything.

- I suppose it was the horse.
- It was.

Oh, Kay, I'm so worried.

Where could Pierre be?

Maybe that officer found him
and took him back to the pound.

- Oh, no. The poor little thing.
- [door opens, closes]

Roger? Roger, I'm sorry.

I know you didn't
call the police.

Mr. Thompson just
told me that he did.

Are we still friends?

Now, really, Addison.

Pierre!

You've been protecting him.

I have not.

I don't know how he got here.

You see now why I
married this cupcake?

Oh, let's not get mushy.

[laughing] He likes
you, Mr. Thompson.

I mean Roger.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I'll get him.

Here he is now.

Wilbur, telephone.

Thanks, Ed.

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Post.

Oh, the little dog?
He's right here. Yeah.

Yes, he's a gray
miniature poodle.

With a Dutch trim. That's right.

Oh.

Well, okay.

Thank you very much.

Good-bye.

That was the pound.
They've located Pierre's owner.

It's a little boy.

Gee, I'll miss this pup.

We all will.

Well, I better
go and tell Carol.

- Uh, Wilbur...
- What?

Uh, get that little
boy's address, will you?

What for?

Well, I might just want
to nip Pierre or something

one of these days.

Oh, Ed, just like I
said, you're all heart.

[Ed grunts]

I wonder if you can understand

what I've been saying, Pierre?

I like you. [laughs]

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪