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1
00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:10,200
Oh, Alfred, this arrived
in the post for you.
2
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:12,280
Happy Valentine's, pal.
3
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,080
It's not from her, is it?
4
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,000
No.
5
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,840
Though I'm sure
Mum's thinking about us,
6
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:25,960
over in Spain with Javier...
and their children.
7
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:29,520
Forest Fruit?
8
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:36,120
So, are you bringing anyone
to dinner tonight?
9
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:40,160
Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't
interested in an old saddo like me.
10
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:42,640
Do you know, the other day
I was trying to remember
11
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,720
the last time
I touched a woman's breast.
12
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:51,240
It was your grandmother's - she'd
asked me to check for a lump.
13
00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:54,120
Oh, Dad, TMI.
14
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:59,320
You don't have to cook for me tonight. We could
go out, lads on the town! Have a few Jaguar bombs.
15
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,760
It's pronounced Jaeger bomb.
16
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,000
And anyway, how many times
do I have to tell you?
17
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,680
It's Valentine's Day -
people assume we're a couple.
18
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,600
Well, it's not going to happen
this year, is it?
19
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,400
Not with your girlfriend in tow!
20
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,600
I cannot wait to meet
the famous Rosie Gullivard.
21
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,200
Gulliver. She is still coming,
isn't she?
22
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,960
Um, yeah.
23
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,640
Well, shouldn't you be going in?
24
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,480
I might just stay
a little bit longer.
25
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:32,440
Look, trooper. I was a teacher
for over 25 years
26
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,280
and do you know the most
important lesson I learnt?
27
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,160
Respect is earned, not given.
28
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,800
Dad, just give it a rest.
29
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:44,200
And for your information,
I have the pupils' respect.
30
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:25,720
Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God
and meet our new deputy head.
31
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,520
Hi. Alfie.
32
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:28,560
Professor Green.
33
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,960
What, seriously?
As in Professor Green?
34
00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:39,480
Yes, my ex-husband is the feted
gastroenterologist Professor Herman Green.
35
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,600
No, Pro Green? The best British
rapper since Brian Harvey,
36
00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,240
or maybe J from 5ive.
37
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,880
I'm afraid I'm not very au fait
with the rap-hop.
38
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:52,560
I have, however, just been told all
about Abbey Grove's... "wunderkind".
39
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,080
Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher!
40
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,920
You forgot your lunch box.
41
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,960
I popped an extra Yakult in there,
help settle your tummy.
42
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,440
He's got the...
43
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,480
..squits. Celia!
44
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,360
Martin? You know each other?
45
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,320
Know each other? We did
our teacher training together.
46
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,920
Must be, what, 25 years?
47
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:18,760
But what are you doing here?
I pined for a challenge!
48
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:23,480
To salvage a struggling school,
get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove.
49
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:24,840
Aye, aye, Cap'n!
50
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,240
Classic! Well, it wasn't.
51
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,240
How's... Herman, isn't it?
52
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,600
Ah. Herman and I are no longer...
53
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:35,080
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
54
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,120
Herman never understood
that my career came first.
55
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:43,000
Perhaps that's what drove the little naughty
man into the arms of a young... er lady!
56
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,240
It's, um, ham and...
57
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,480
Coleslaw.
58
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,040
Coleslaw. Yes.
59
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:59,880
Ah, the call to arms!
60
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,720
Well, I mustn't keep you.
After all "Punctuality is...
61
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,400
"The politeness of kings."
62
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,320
Go!
63
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:13,200
Well, well, well. Martin Stool.
64
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:18,120
Wickers. He took my mum's name,
unsurprisingly.
65
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,680
I can see you've got
a whiff of the Stool about you.
66
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,200
Probably the squits!
67
00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:26,800
Well, off to teach
my first class. Au revoir.
68
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,440
Ferrero Roche.
69
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,320
You seem disappointed.
70
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,120
You thought it was going to be
the real Pro Green, didn't you?
71
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:52,920
Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads.
72
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,480
Sir, why are we wearing
our home clothes?
73
00:04:55,520 --> 00:05:00,200
Cos Pickwell's dead! From now on,
it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches!
74
00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,000
Joe, you're worse than my dad.
Why are you so chipper?
75
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,440
He's in lovvvvee.
76
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,120
Oooh!
77
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,520
Gay!
78
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,920
So, that's why you've
come as Olly Murs?
79
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,040
Erm, Joseph, what's his name?
80
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,040
HER name is Alison Dear
and she's beautiful.
81
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:19,400
Alison Dear?
82
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,080
Oh, Ally Dear!
83
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:30,440
�(Trademark)� Why do birds suddenly appear
every time she is near? �(Trademark)�
84
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,800
Cos her breath smells like a trawler.
85
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,160
Alfie, do you think
I should send her a card?
86
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:39,000
That'd be a first.
Someone sending a card TO Moonpig.
87
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,880
You're just jealous cos you haven't
got anyone to send a card TO.
88
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,040
Ooh, Father's Day all over again.
89
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,880
I got this card from Mitchell's mum.
90
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,960
"Dear Rem-Dogg,
here's your £20 back.
91
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,240
"I can't charge you
cos you were so good!"
92
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,000
And I got a card from YOUR mum.
93
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,440
Giving me back the Wotsits
that I paid HER with!
94
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:58,240
"PS, you banged me so hard
now I'm in a wheelchair."
95
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,040
Guys, I realise it's
Valentine's Day,
96
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,880
but could you please stop flirting?
97
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,760
Speaking of which,
where's Chantelle?
98
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,880
She's seeing the school nurse.
Is she ill?
99
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:09,320
Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
100
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:14,800
Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we
have a tete-a-tete in the corridor?
101
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,640
Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have
been sleeping with Mitchell's mum
102
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,000
I suggest you go and give your cock
a thorough clean.
103
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:24,720
Mr Wickers, is it my little betise,
104
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,840
or does the school have a uniform?
105
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:29,720
Yeah, a really stupid one.
106
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,760
Hence I told my kids
they can wear what they like now.
107
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,960
You'll think me
a grumpy old sourpuss,
108
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:41,960
but I do think it lends Abbey Grove
a certain sartorial elegance.
109
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,320
I don't know what that means,
so shall we just agree to disagree?
110
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,720
Shouldn't one agree to agree
with one's deputy head?
111
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:51,320
I don't really go in for that
whole teacher, naggy shit.
112
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,560
Me and the kids are mates.
113
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,280
"I", Mr Wickers, not "me".
114
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,120
I and the kids are mates.
115
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,560
But just, go with the flow.
116
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:04,480
And, hey, remember, respect
is a dish best served earned,
117
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,840
not served... given.
118
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,800
So, are we still on for tonight?
119
00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,200
Tonight?
Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago
120
00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,160
we arranged for you to come to
dinner because for some weird reason
121
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,560
my dad thinks we're going out?
122
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,160
What?! Why does your dad think
that we're going out?
123
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,920
Long story, don't want to
bore you with it. Try me.
124
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,120
I told him.
Please do this for me?
125
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,000
I'm seeing Alex.
126
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,960
But he's really depressed.
If he finds out that I'm unhappy too
127
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,360
this could be the straw
that breaks the camel's back.
128
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,160
Are you saying your father's life
is in my hands? Er, no,
129
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,920
but literary analogy, you're
Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath.
130
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,360
I don't want to find him
putting his head into a gas oven.
131
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,160
He's not going to put his head in
an oven if I don't come for dinner.
132
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:51,920
Yeah, well, obviously not, cos
I don't have an oven in my flat.
133
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,920
He could use the microwave.
134
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,160
Actually, you couldn't use
a microwave
135
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,840
cos when you tried to shut it
your head would stop the door.
136
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,480
He could take it into the bath.
137
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,000
Shower! My flat only has a shower!
138
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,680
Sorry, read that essay title again?
139
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:12,040
"Who first popularised the
'Awooga' mantra? Discuss."
140
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,040
And how is this relevant?
141
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:16,520
Look, Jing, now that
Pickwell's not around to tell me
142
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,120
what I can and can't teach,
143
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,680
you're going to notice
quite a few changes round here.
144
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:24,080
Now, scholars are divided
into three schools of thought.
145
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:27,840
Charles, Akabusi,
"Fash the Bash" Fashanu.
146
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:31,720
Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight?
Fash-the-bashing one out to ten-minute free-view?
147
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,960
No, Mitchell. If you must know
148
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,480
I'm going on a Valentine's Day
dinner... with my dad.
149
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,000
I can't work out whether that's
really sweet or incredibly sad.
150
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,880
The problem is, right, I told him
Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend
151
00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,560
and he wants to meet her tonight
but she won't come with me,
152
00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,520
so I need a surrogate.
OK, so mainly sad.
153
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:52,600
My sister might be up for helping you out,
sir. She ain't got a date tonight. Really?
154
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,040
Oh, wait - do I have to,
like, grab her
155
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,760
or fight someone in a car park
to win her hand?
156
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,400
Nah, just get her a Bargain
Bucket. I'll text her now.
157
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,360
Oh, thanks, mate.
Really appreciate that.
158
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,480
Murs, are you all right?
159
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:11,440
It's Ally. I was going to ask her
out, but she totally blanked me.
160
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,960
She probably doesn't even
realise you like her, mate!
161
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,320
I just feel so empty.
162
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,560
Don't look it. Sir, I've got
something for you to look at.
163
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:23,280
If you've put undergarments
in my Valentine's card again,
164
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,440
I'm not accepting them.
No, sir. Look!
165
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,360
I'm pregnant!
166
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:33,840
Are you sure?
167
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,600
Yep, she showed me the test
and everything.
168
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,560
Maybe all that flirting
was just a cry for help.
169
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,640
Why didn't I do something earlier?
170
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:43,960
Talk to her -
you're a good listener.
171
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,600
Sorry, what?
I said you're a good listener.
172
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,560
Yeah, you're right,
I shouldn't blame myself.
173
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:51,800
If anything, I've fulfilled my role
as a guardian.
174
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,800
If the finger's going to be pointed
at anyone it's her peer groups,
175
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,600
whether that's her friends at school
or her parents. Bang on.
176
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:01,000
A teenage pregnancy
foisted upon me already!
177
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,240
Abbey Grove does not disappoint.
178
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,800
God.
179
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,160
I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her.
180
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,680
Alfie, calm down.
Just call Chantelle's mum.
181
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:15,440
No way! She's so flirty.
182
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,000
Plus, I think her number's
a premium line.
183
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,360
Still, no doubt the whole school can
learn a lesson from her predicament.
184
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,160
The school isn't learning anything.
185
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,320
That, I do not dispute.
186
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:30,280
I meant from Chantelle.
She's not going public with it.
187
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,920
She's made us all make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
188
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,400
Do we know who sired the infant?
189
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:37,800
Who's the father?
190
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:41,560
Oh. We don't know,
but I guess we'll find out soon.
191
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,600
She's going to name the baby
after its dad.
192
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,600
Sorry, what do you know
about Chantelle?
193
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:51,360
Well, I know that letting
pupils... how did you put it?
194
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,240
"Go with the flow"?
195
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,440
..Always damages the reputation
of a school. Full stop.
196
00:10:56,480 --> 00:11:00,600
Yeah, well, I let my pupils
"go with the flow"
197
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:04,880
because I'm not here to bully them,
am I? Full stop.
198
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,840
That's not a full stop,
that's a question mark.
199
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,080
You asked me a question.
200
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,400
Whatever. Comma.
201
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,840
Semi-colon. Square brackets.
202
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,680
That stupid "and".
203
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,400
He's just upset, Celia.
204
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,680
I think I prefer Professor Green.
205
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,800
I think I prefer Miss Pickwell.
206
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,400
Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle,
OK?
207
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,080
And I suggest you do so
with greater didacticism.
208
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:35,360
Oooh! I'll be piling on the
didackanism by the shedload.
209
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,280
Just as soon as I've googled it
to find out what it means.
210
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,160
Help! Help!
211
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:57,080
Thanks, Alf. I got stuck -
bloody Love Lift!
212
00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:01,400
What is this? This bad boy is for
Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out.
213
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:06,080
I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin
Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express.
214
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,600
A dating show for the kids?
Well, that's going to be pants.
215
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,040
Actually, wait,
can we pick who goes on it?
216
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,960
Of course. You know Alison Dear?
217
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,680
Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down.
218
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,480
I didn't know
you were a chubby chaser.
219
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,720
No, not for me. I'm trying to
set her up with Joe Poulter.
220
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,480
Consider it done.
See, now you likey?
221
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,480
I don't like-li... It's a shit idea
222
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,440
but at least it's better than
your tragic online dating.
223
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,760
There's nothing tragic about
my date tonight. The itinerary -
224
00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:38,040
ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press,
then apres,
225
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:41,600
see if we can't find the willy-wagon
somewhere warm to park...
226
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:45,240
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
227
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:03,880
Chantelle, I think at some point
we should, er, you know, um, talk...
228
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,320
About the baby?
Have you told anyone else?
229
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:11,400
No! BFF personal padlock
pinky promise.
230
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,360
Thanks, sir.
Oh, I've changed my mind.
231
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,360
I'm naming him after
my favourite teacher.
232
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:18,640
Baby Alfie.
233
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:21,600
Oh, right... good.
234
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,120
Sir, do you think pregnancy's
made my breasts bigger?
235
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:28,640
I'm just going to... go over there.
236
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,840
Alfie, I feel like there's something
I need to make really clear.
237
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,360
I honestly can't come tonight.
238
00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,520
Oh. One of those Royal Mail
missed delivery things.
239
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,000
It's handwritten.
240
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,920
So it is. Royal Mail -
the personal touch.
241
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:49,440
It's your address.
I must... live above a depot.
242
00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:55,320
Look, please come. I know it's a
weird situation, but I'm desperate.
243
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,720
I'm sorry, Alf,
I'm seeing Alex tonight.
244
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:00,200
And if you must know,
we're having some problems.
245
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,800
Turns out I do have
some issues with my...
246
00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,360
Come on!
247
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,960
Calm down, calm down!
248
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,800
Hello and welcome to Take Me Out!
249
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:31,200
We've got six lovely ladies
gagging for a fella
250
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:35,600
and the date of a lifetime
on the Isle of... ALL: Fernandoze!
251
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,120
That's it, girls, zhuzh up your
hair, pout your lips
252
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,240
and hitch up your skir...
253
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,360
Hair again.
254
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,080
Let the Abbey see the Grove.
255
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,000
Single men, reveal yourselves!
256
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,080
It's Reggie Blinker!
257
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:59,560
You know how it works, girls,
no likey... No lighty!
258
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:06,200
Oh, God. This is going to be
a car crash.
259
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,880
No likey, no light... aaaah!
260
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,040
Off! Off! Off!
261
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,240
Let Mr Popplecock
262
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,680
see the redundancy package!
263
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,560
Probably not the time for
this announcement, but, seriously -
264
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:45,960
we will all miss you.
265
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,880
Single man, reveal yourself!
266
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,480
Help! Help!
267
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,200
The door's a bit sticky... Help!
268
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:02,520
Just needs a bit of force.
269
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,120
Come on, big guy, work with me here.
270
00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:09,120
Oh!
271
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,240
Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf.
272
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:24,080
So, no likey... No lighty.
273
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,440
Yes! Get in there!
274
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:33,320
Round two! So, what sets you apart
from the crowd?
275
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,360
Um. Asthma?
276
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,680
And a big willy - woooo!
277
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,680
So, why do you want to be
on the show?
278
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,480
Um, I just wanted to ask, um...
279
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:45,520
Ally...
280
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,200
..um, would you...?
281
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,320
What are you doing?
282
00:16:56,360 --> 00:17:01,080
I know it's awfully jolly,
trivialising sexual promiscuity...
283
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,200
Are you from the past?
I mean, who even talks like that?
284
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,000
..but given the current situation...
285
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,360
What situation?
286
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,760
Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant.
287
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,600
Oops! What a slippy goose!
288
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,280
Right! You have no right
to talk about that!
289
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:19,960
Sir! You broke the BFF
personal padlock pinky promise!
290
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,920
I'm sorry. I was asking
Miss Gulliver for advice.
291
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,200
And YOU! I told you this
was a secret.
292
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,560
God, you can be so didactism -
noun, intending to teach,
293
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,640
with an emphasis
on moral instruction.
294
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:34,000
I can be so didactic, Alfred.
The adjective.
295
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,120
Look, it's not Chantelle's fault.
296
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,480
If anyone's to blame
for this pregnancy, it's me.
297
00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:44,640
Sir, will you look after me
and Baby Alfie?
298
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,600
Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers!
299
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,600
No, I forgot to tell you...
300
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,280
Dickers is the dad. What a nonce!
301
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:54,240
At least you're not firing blanks.
It's not mine, you idiot.
302
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:56,600
I just meant that I'd help
look after the child.
303
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,520
Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice,
like Jean Valjean in Les Mis.
304
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:03,200
Yes, exactly, like Stephen says,
like the man in Les Miserables.
305
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:06,240
Prove it, sir. Sing!
I'm not going to sing.
306
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,760
Explain yourself, Mr Wickers.
307
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,080
I... It's not...
308
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,040
Dream a dream. Sing!
309
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:16,280
Yeah, go on, sir. Don't.
310
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:28,840
�(Trademark)� Chantelle, I shall be
the child's guardian
311
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:33,400
�(Trademark)� Even though I did not shag you
312
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:39,440
�(Trademark)� I have done no wrong
Just like Jean Valjean
313
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,040
�(Trademark)� He stole a loaf of bread
314
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:49,960
�(Trademark)� I stand accused of putting
a bun in the oven inste-e-e-a-ad. �(Trademark)�
315
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:57,680
That was so beautiful!
316
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,120
Why did you do that? I don't know.
317
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,760
Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated
this young lady,
318
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,720
I shall be calling the constabulary.
319
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:07,840
The police.
320
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:11,200
No! Not the police!
No, Professor Green. Please!
321
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,480
Wait! I'm not pregnant.
322
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,800
What?!
323
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,040
I lied.
324
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,800
I just wanted it
to look like someone loves me.
325
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,600
And I wanted you to notice me, sir.
326
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:27,040
Chantelle, you don't need to lie
to get my attention.
327
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,640
I'm always here for you.
328
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,720
Yeah, so back off, Javert.
329
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,880
Alfie, Ally's going on a date
with me! Really?
330
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:42,160
Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to
World of Waffles in Watford!
331
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,640
Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh,
and you know what that means?
332
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,840
Cos I kinda made it happen,
you are indebted to me
333
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:53,280
for the rest of your life, so...
you can cook, right?
334
00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,720
Yeah, I know my way around
a George Foreman grill.
335
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:58,280
Will you help me
with my dinner party tonight? OK.
336
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,400
Sweet! I knew I could count
on you. Cheers, mate.
337
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:05,160
Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister
round mine for about 7, 7.30.
338
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,520
I'm afraid she ain't
coming nowhere near you, mate.
339
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,680
What? Why? Well, she Facebooked you.
340
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,120
We had a deal. Well, I didn't make
your profile picture
341
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,000
some nerd dressed as Gandalf. Me
and the lads were on a pub crawl.
342
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,360
Don't worry. I got a back-up plan. One of
my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it.
343
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:22,480
You promise me this time? Yes, Bilbo Bell-End.
Just text me your address and she'll be there.
344
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,000
OK, deal! And FYI,
I wasn't dressed as Gandalf.
345
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,920
I was dressed as Sauron, in his
guise as the first Chief Lieutenant
346
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,800
to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth,
around the time he overran Eregion,
347
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:35,600
killed Celebrimbor, leader of the Elven-smiths,
and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power.
348
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,000
So who's the dickhead now?
349
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,160
Sweet - Mitchell's brother's
girlfriend's on her way.
350
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,080
Here are your ingredients.
351
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,680
Mitchell got it for me.
352
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,760
Alfie, I can cook spag bol
but I can't cook bunny rabbits.
353
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:05,320
Oh, come on, it's easy! Just
shave it, stick an onion up its bum
354
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,400
and then put it in the microwave.
355
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:09,640
Hey, Smooch, groovy news.
I've got a hot date.
356
00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,880
That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she?
357
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,840
Oh, sorry, there must be
some kind of a mix-up.
358
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,680
Halloween's not till October,
359
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:25,080
and even then, it's only really the
children who dress up as monsters,
360
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:30,120
so how about you "fuck off"
and stop trying to "ruin my life"?
361
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,240
Good evening, Alfred.
362
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,600
Celia! Hello-ha!
363
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,520
Let me take your coat.
364
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,840
Shut. Up.
365
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,880
So lovely to see you, Martin.
Oh, likewise.
366
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,040
What are you doing here?
367
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,960
Your father invited me for dinner
on the Facebook.
368
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,560
Oh! I don't know what is
more sickening,
369
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:04,280
the fact that YOU'RE here
or that my dad's on Facebook.
370
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:08,280
Poke!
371
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,920
Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver?
372
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,760
Oh!
373
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,520
So did you meet Alfred's
bit of skirt today?
374
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,720
Oh! I thought Alfie was single!
375
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,800
Hands off! Alfie is dating
the famous Rosie Gulliver.
376
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,640
She's coming tonight -
it's a double date.
377
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,600
Is she now?
378
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,680
Professor Green, could I have
a word with you in the kitchen
379
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,560
about your dietary requirements?
380
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,240
Look, the Rosie Gulliver
coming for dinner tonight
381
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,680
isn't the real Rosie Gulliver.
382
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,800
My dad's got confused
and now it's too far down the line.
383
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,520
I'm begging you, when you see
this girl, can you just...
384
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,480
Go with the flow?
385
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,320
My kids'll be back in
school uniforms tomorrow.
386
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:58,840
And you'll stop setting them essays
on catchphrases from the '90s? Yes.
387
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,320
And you'll stop teaching us
topless whenever it's hot?
388
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,120
Shut up, Joe.
This has nothing to do with you.
389
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,920
That'll be "Rosie".
390
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:13,440
You Mitchell's mate?
391
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,120
His brother sent me.
392
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,240
Oh, shit!
393
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:26,040
No, Mitchell, your brother
is not a playa, he's a payer.
394
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,520
She is 100% a prostitute!
395
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:34,800
Hi. I can offer you £20,
some cod liver oil and a rabbit...
396
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,080
to make you go away.
397
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:38,960
How d'you cook that?
398
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,080
Onion up the bum. Bye!
399
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,840
You know, now you've paid,
400
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,840
you can put your onion
up my rabbit-hole!
401
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,640
I wanted the car cleaned
on the outside AND the inside,
402
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,600
but they thought I only
wanted the outside done.
403
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,200
In the end, I had to vacuum
the inside myself!
404
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,920
Oh, Martin,
that is such a funny story!
405
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:18,680
Funny?! I think you need
to check your dictionary app.
406
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,560
God! This is the most
middle-aged dinner party ever.
407
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:27,440
Martin, do you like
the television programme Mad Men?
408
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,800
I love it.
409
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:31,600
Mmm, I think you're
a bit of a Don Draper.
410
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,840
OK, toots. Care for another Scotch?
411
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:37,400
Oh, sorry,
that was an American accent?
412
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:40,320
Dad, you sounded like
a Jamaican having a stroke.
413
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,400
My wife went to the West Indies.
414
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:43,640
Oh, God. Jamaica?
415
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:45,160
No, she went of her own acc...
416
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:51,080
Joe! Can you please bring in
some bleach so I can kill myself?
417
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:54,360
Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-D�E.
418
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:58,720
Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull
through, it's only a touch of flu.
419
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,440
Yes. So sad she's not
feeling herself.
420
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:08,040
Look... Dad, I might as well
just be honest with you.
421
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,440
The thing is, Rosie...
422
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,280
Rosie!
423
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:19,520
I thought...
424
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:20,880
What about Alex?
425
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:23,640
We've broken up.
426
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,840
Anyway, I just thought that
you might cheer me up.
427
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,560
You could tell your face
to look a little less happy.
428
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:38,640
I can't believe you came!
429
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,800
Well, you were there for Chantelle
so I thought I'd be here for you.
430
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:45,160
Thanks. Oh, and you don't need
to pretend to be my girlfriend.
431
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,360
I'm just going to tell my dad
the truth.
432
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,640
No, I don't mind being
your girlfriend for one night.
433
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:51,760
Does that mean
you'll be sleeping over? No.
434
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,480
Oh, sorry, it's just, I have
this Postman Pat bed linen
435
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,680
so I would've change...
Shall I come in?
436
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,280
Yeah. Pro Green
won't know what's hit her!
437
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,640
Pro Green?! Don't ask.
438
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,960
Dad, Celia, guess who's here?
439
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,200
Hey, Miss Gulliver.
440
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:09,640
Where are they?
441
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,320
Oh, um, Pro Green wanted
to take a look at your bedroom
442
00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:14,720
so your dad took her in there.
He's very drunk.
443
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,400
My bedroom?!
444
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,840
Oh, my God.
445
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,880
Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room!
446
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:29,640
I've made blancmange.
447
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,280
Did you know that apart from us,
448
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:51,160
the only other animal to get
sunburnt is the pig?
449
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:58,920
God. Imagine if this got round
the school.
450
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:00,280
We won't tell anyone.
451
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,000
It's Mitchell.
452
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:09,080
"What's long and hard and covered
in Green? Your dad's cock".
453
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:11,480
Joe!
454
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,520
I might have tweeted, like, once.
455
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,640
Oh! Oh, yeah.
456
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:37,640
Alfred.
457
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,720
Rosie!
458
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:42,240
"Go with the flow"!
459
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,600
Well, jolly good. Bravo.
460
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,440
Goodnight. Bye, Martin.
461
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:57,760
Alfred. Rosemary.
462
00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,960
Goodnight. Night. Night.
463
00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:04,280
Dad, this is...
464
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:05,720
Hi, I'm Rosie.
465
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:09,800
Oh, er, probably best not shake my...
466
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:12,840
I'm just going to put these sheets
in the wash.
467
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:16,320
I tried to keep a lid on it
but... it's been a while.
468
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,000
Postman Pat's fine.
469
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,080
Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it.
470
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:29,080
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