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1
00:00:05,230 --> 00:00:07,910
Yo, what's going down my...
n-word?
2
00:00:08,110 --> 00:00:12,310
Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it.
What the Harry Hill? Are you...?
3
00:00:12,510 --> 00:00:16,550
Conducting a seance? Yes. It's interactive
learning. Hold yer Ouija boards,
4
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:19,550
because today is the biggest day
in the school sporting calendar!
5
00:00:19,750 --> 00:00:21,990
It's the big footie match
against Middleton House.
6
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,950
Really? Here?
7
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:28,670
Yes, but you can understand that they're
a little sensitive after last year -
8
00:00:28,870 --> 00:00:32,030
16 of their state-of-the-art
Mac Book Pros went missing.
9
00:00:32,230 --> 00:00:32,870
17, actually.
10
00:00:33,070 --> 00:00:37,350
I've just heard that the PE teacher's
going to be unavailable for the game.
11
00:00:37,550 --> 00:00:43,030
Slightly garbled message from him saying that he'll
either be back by two or in two to five years.
12
00:00:43,230 --> 00:00:45,030
Something to do with DNA evidence.
13
00:00:45,230 --> 00:00:47,990
And I fit into this how?
I need someone to manage the team.
14
00:00:48,190 --> 00:00:52,950
A chance to stand up to those posho bullies. Tell them
you ain't going to be eating that biscuit no more.
15
00:00:53,150 --> 00:00:56,190
Not this again. Why does everyone
think I was bullied at Middleton?
16
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,590
Your girly run.
The way you throw.
17
00:00:57,790 --> 00:00:59,990
Your Facebook wall.
I wasn't bullied, all right?
18
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:01,470
Come on, Alf. It's in the bag.
19
00:01:01,670 --> 00:01:06,710
We're unbeatable this season. We're
like the Invincible Arse-gunners.
20
00:01:06,910 --> 00:01:08,950
You know nothing about football,
do you? No.
21
00:01:09,150 --> 00:01:14,110
Do you know anything about sport? I like
the Red Arrows! Whoosh! So, whaddya say?
22
00:01:14,310 --> 00:01:17,310
I guess I could.
Right, pack this up.
23
00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:19,350
But Sir, you promised
we could talk to Hitler.
24
00:01:19,550 --> 00:01:21,790
Well, it's not like he's going
anywhere.
25
00:01:51,630 --> 00:01:53,350
Yo! What's up team?
26
00:01:55,110 --> 00:02:00,030
This sesh is all about you getting
to know your new gaffer.
27
00:02:00,230 --> 00:02:02,230
Yeah. The boss man.
28
00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,770
The special one.
29
00:02:05,970 --> 00:02:07,630
II Classico.
30
00:02:07,830 --> 00:02:09,510
Why are you calling us team?
31
00:02:11,190 --> 00:02:14,150
Cos you're my guys, right,
and I thought this match,
32
00:02:14,350 --> 00:02:17,230
perfect opportunity for you to get
involved in the big game.
33
00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:20,270
Hang on, what happened to
the actual football team?
34
00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:22,550
Nothing.
35
00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:28,990
So the last man has to be behind,
and in front, erm,
36
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:34,310
if it's two of them it goes to deadlock
and then it's done on public vote.
37
00:02:34,510 --> 00:02:37,750
Yep. That, that's the offside rule
in a nutshell.
38
00:02:38,870 --> 00:02:43,230
I can't believe you were
ostracised by the entire first team.
39
00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:46,790
Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe
and I use long words."
40
00:02:46,990 --> 00:02:49,750
Hang about,
ain't there a second team?
41
00:02:49,950 --> 00:02:51,710
Yeah.
42
00:02:57,190 --> 00:03:00,150
Bwarch! Guys! bawrch!
43
00:03:00,350 --> 00:03:04,750
Look, sometimes it's good to have
a little re-jig of the team.
44
00:03:04,950 --> 00:03:06,610
I mean, look at...
45
00:03:06,810 --> 00:03:08,270
The Sugababes.
46
00:03:08,470 --> 00:03:10,510
You know jack shit about football.
47
00:03:10,710 --> 00:03:13,470
Well, Mitchell, if you came
to my bedroom there is a certain
48
00:03:13,670 --> 00:03:15,710
Goonersaurus duvet
that would beg to differ.
49
00:03:15,910 --> 00:03:18,230
Did you just invite me
to your bedroom?
50
00:03:18,430 --> 00:03:20,270
I'll play. Great. You play?
51
00:03:20,470 --> 00:03:24,190
She's had one-on-ones with some of the game's
big names. And a couple of two-on-ones.
52
00:03:24,390 --> 00:03:26,630
Who? A lady never breaks
a super-injunction.
53
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,590
OK. Jing, you in?
54
00:03:32,790 --> 00:03:35,830
Bring the team some of that
unflappable Far Eastern work ethic.
55
00:03:36,030 --> 00:03:39,870
It's not a national sport but there's
that fella that plays for United.
56
00:03:45,430 --> 00:03:48,750
Yeah, that's his name, so...?
Not in a million years.
57
00:03:48,950 --> 00:03:51,750
Come on. One of you must want
to play?
58
00:03:51,950 --> 00:03:52,990
I'm pretty good at football.
59
00:03:53,190 --> 00:03:55,330
Yeah, he is.
He's just like Ashley Cole.
60
00:03:55,530 --> 00:03:57,470
That's very sweet
but don't be silly.
61
00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,710
But we all know the only reason
you want us to play this stupid game
62
00:04:00,910 --> 00:04:02,790
is to get back at your old school
for bullying ya.
63
00:04:02,990 --> 00:04:06,510
Why does everyone assume
that I would be a victim of bullies?
64
00:04:06,710 --> 00:04:08,390
Oi, dick wad! Hello, Grayson.
65
00:04:08,590 --> 00:04:11,230
What's my position?
You... you want to play?
66
00:04:11,430 --> 00:04:16,430
I'll play for this team all right, Downton,
but only cos I want to hospitalize some toffs.
67
00:04:16,630 --> 00:04:20,550
This doesn't mean we're mates,
and I still think you're a piece.
68
00:04:20,750 --> 00:04:23,610
Great, um, but, I thought you
weren't allowed to play.
69
00:04:23,810 --> 00:04:26,670
Yeah, well I'm back now, innit.
Finished serving my ban.
70
00:04:26,870 --> 00:04:28,350
Why were you banned?
71
00:04:28,550 --> 00:04:29,830
Off the ball incident.
72
00:04:30,030 --> 00:04:31,790
What was it? Two footed tackle?
73
00:04:31,990 --> 00:04:34,630
Arson. Right. Good.
74
00:04:34,830 --> 00:04:40,350
See, that is exactly the kind
of passion that I'm looking for.
75
00:04:40,550 --> 00:04:42,910
I think I've found myself a skipper.
76
00:04:43,110 --> 00:04:48,550
So, who else wants to join
the revolution with me
77
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:51,110
and my buddy Frank?
78
00:04:51,310 --> 00:04:53,910
You call me that again
and I'll firebomb your shed.
79
00:04:54,110 --> 00:04:59,510
Me and my colleague here,
Mr Grayson.
80
00:04:59,710 --> 00:05:01,510
We're going to get dicked on.
81
00:05:04,150 --> 00:05:06,270
No-one?
82
00:05:06,470 --> 00:05:08,150
Please, I'm desperate.
83
00:05:10,390 --> 00:05:13,990
What have I got to do to
convince you to play?
84
00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:16,670
PHONE RINGS
85
00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:21,250
"Hi, you're through
to Alfie Wickers.
86
00:05:21,450 --> 00:05:24,350
"Sorry I can't
take your call right now
87
00:05:24,550 --> 00:05:26,830
"but I'm busy cracking one out
to Loose Women.
88
00:05:27,030 --> 00:05:30,790
"No, not Vorderman or McLean.
89
00:05:30,990 --> 00:05:33,750
"I am...
90
00:05:33,950 --> 00:05:36,390
"stiffin' for McGiffin.
91
00:05:36,590 --> 00:05:40,590
"Please leave a message
after the tone."
92
00:05:40,790 --> 00:05:43,110
All right then, deal.
93
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:47,510
OK right, time to hit the pitch. I want
to see what you've got in your lockers.
94
00:05:47,710 --> 00:05:50,190
A flare gun and some porn.
Not yours.
95
00:05:56,150 --> 00:05:58,590
KNOCK AT DOOR
96
00:05:58,790 --> 00:06:02,030
Erm, you wanted to see me?
Ah yes, Ms Gulliver.
97
00:06:04,310 --> 00:06:07,430
Rosie. Do come in.
98
00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:12,750
So, what's this about?
99
00:06:12,950 --> 00:06:15,930
Ah, you know, just a natter really
just to, you know,
100
00:06:16,130 --> 00:06:19,110
how long's it been
since we had a good girly catch up?
101
00:06:19,310 --> 00:06:21,190
Erm...
102
00:06:21,390 --> 00:06:23,070
for ever.
103
00:06:23,270 --> 00:06:26,950
Yeah, yeah it does,
it feels that way, doesn't it?
104
00:06:28,710 --> 00:06:35,390
Yeah. So erm, how is your current
sexual slash romantic partner?
105
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,750
Erm...
106
00:06:38,950 --> 00:06:42,230
What am I like, eh, with the gossip?
107
00:06:42,430 --> 00:06:45,870
No, now listen, I've been thinking
about this for a while and I think
108
00:06:46,070 --> 00:06:48,910
it's time that I do something
that may shake you to the core.
109
00:06:49,110 --> 00:06:52,510
But erm, how attractive
do you think I am?
110
00:06:55,270 --> 00:06:58,470
Look, I think you might have
misread some signals.
111
00:06:58,670 --> 00:07:01,190
No, it's just that you see,
I heard that Middleton House
112
00:07:01,390 --> 00:07:05,110
are looking for a new deputy head and
I would really love that transfer.
113
00:07:06,350 --> 00:07:08,510
Oh.
114
00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:12,190
Erm, you look...
115
00:07:14,310 --> 00:07:16,710
Handsome.
116
00:07:16,910 --> 00:07:19,110
Oh, really?!
117
00:07:19,310 --> 00:07:22,110
You're not just saying that.
You know...? This...
118
00:07:22,310 --> 00:07:25,190
it's not too much?
119
00:07:25,390 --> 00:07:28,270
No, it's very...
120
00:07:28,470 --> 00:07:30,030
subtle.
121
00:07:30,230 --> 00:07:31,590
Right.
122
00:07:31,790 --> 00:07:35,750
Gosh you know, we should,
we should do this more often. Yep.
123
00:07:38,150 --> 00:07:40,350
Menstruating much at the moment?
124
00:07:40,550 --> 00:07:42,350
Please can I leave?
125
00:07:42,550 --> 00:07:45,870
So how's the old footie thing going?
Oh, not great actually.
126
00:07:46,070 --> 00:07:48,190
I think you should just
call them up and tell them...
127
00:07:48,390 --> 00:07:51,150
Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.
128
00:07:52,190 --> 00:07:54,110
The pundit from MOTo'D?
129
00:07:55,590 --> 00:07:58,550
We are not going to play them
at football.
130
00:07:58,750 --> 00:08:01,430
Phh, that's a relief
because we are shit...
131
00:08:01,630 --> 00:08:04,110
We are going to beat them
psychologically.
132
00:08:04,310 --> 00:08:07,030
We may not have the resources
of St Poshington's,
133
00:08:07,230 --> 00:08:11,990
but let's see how they like it when they
come to face to face with our ghetto hell.
134
00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:15,310
Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now.
135
00:08:17,470 --> 00:08:19,550
GLASS SMASHES
136
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:20,990
Welcome to thug life.
137
00:08:21,190 --> 00:08:25,310
♪ Yeah, yeah let's get down
with the trumpets... ♪
138
00:08:25,510 --> 00:08:27,630
So this match must be quite
a big deal for you.
139
00:08:27,830 --> 00:08:29,330
Chance to pay back those bullies.
140
00:08:29,530 --> 00:08:30,830
I was quite popular at Middleton.
141
00:08:31,030 --> 00:08:34,750
Oh? They used to call me Scratchie.
It was kind of like my DJ name.
142
00:08:34,950 --> 00:08:37,150
I used to spin the tunes
at the raves.
143
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,550
Raves? At Middleton House?
144
00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:41,630
Well, the Hunt Ball.
145
00:08:44,430 --> 00:08:46,710
Out of my way Wickers, thank you.
146
00:08:46,910 --> 00:08:49,670
Any idea why Pickwell's come
dressed as a trannie today?
147
00:08:49,870 --> 00:08:53,310
She's job hunting. She's probably
overdone it with her make-up,
148
00:08:53,510 --> 00:08:54,910
and her suit.
149
00:08:55,110 --> 00:08:56,510
And her dick.
150
00:08:58,030 --> 00:08:59,070
Oh look, here they come.
151
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:02,550
What?! Look at the state of it!
152
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,030
Swanning in like they own the place.
153
00:09:05,230 --> 00:09:08,790
Although technically I think their
trust does actually own the land.
154
00:09:09,910 --> 00:09:12,390
What a Wickers!
155
00:09:14,630 --> 00:09:18,150
Glad to see that one's er,
stood the test of time.
156
00:09:26,430 --> 00:09:31,350
Terribly sorry old chap, would you mind
awfully throwing us that ball back?
157
00:09:31,550 --> 00:09:33,950
Go on, old chap.
158
00:09:34,150 --> 00:09:38,390
You don't think
he was talking to you?
159
00:09:38,590 --> 00:09:41,110
Why would he have been? All right!
160
00:09:41,310 --> 00:09:42,390
OK, lazy.
161
00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:48,310
What a Wickers!
162
00:09:50,110 --> 00:09:55,670
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Alfie Wickers.
163
00:09:55,870 --> 00:09:59,070
You spineless little tag-nut. Sir.
164
00:09:59,270 --> 00:10:02,750
The vilest dingle-berry it was
ever my misfortune to pluck.
165
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:06,310
Remind me, what was it we used to call you?
"Scratchie" wasn't it? Because...
166
00:10:06,510 --> 00:10:07,750
Stress-induced Eczema.
167
00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:12,730
He used to sit in class scratching
himself like a junkie.
168
00:10:12,930 --> 00:10:17,710
I can't wait to stick it
to your bunch of benefit scrounging
169
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:19,030
gutter monkeys.
170
00:10:19,230 --> 00:10:22,330
Now, who's the limp-dick
in command here anyway?
171
00:10:22,530 --> 00:10:25,430
I am. Who is? Scratchie is.
Scratchie is what?
172
00:10:25,630 --> 00:10:31,310
Scratchie is the limp dick in charge of the
benefit scrounging gutter monkeys. Sir.
173
00:10:36,270 --> 00:10:38,430
What's that man's problem?
174
00:10:38,630 --> 00:10:43,870
Basically, something happened
between me and him
175
00:10:44,070 --> 00:10:48,910
when I was in second year,
but I'd rather not talk about it.
176
00:10:49,110 --> 00:10:52,830
Why not? Because it's embarrassing.
177
00:10:53,030 --> 00:10:54,550
Because I'm a man.
178
00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:59,070
Y'know I'd rather just keep
it a secret.
179
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:02,630
Oh my God!
180
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:06,490
Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry.
181
00:11:06,690 --> 00:11:09,230
That's so brave of you.
182
00:11:09,430 --> 00:11:13,390
Well, it's really no biggie.
Y'know, shit happens.
183
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,470
Was there no-one you could
talk to about it?
184
00:11:15,670 --> 00:11:18,030
Well, you know, I guess
if I had really wanted to,
185
00:11:18,230 --> 00:11:19,590
I could have gone
to confession but...
186
00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:23,310
Confession?
Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic.
187
00:11:24,870 --> 00:11:26,830
Yeah, course it was.
188
00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:32,210
Oh, Alfie. Poor thing.
189
00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,470
Poor little thing.
190
00:11:35,670 --> 00:11:40,230
Remember, whatever we wear,
wherever we go,
191
00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:42,550
yes means yes and no means no.
192
00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:49,470
Cup of rosie lea, my old lover.
Darjeeling. Two sugars.
193
00:11:49,670 --> 00:11:50,710
I'm Head of Maths.
194
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:54,390
Good. Then you won't cock up
the sugars, will you?
195
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:55,750
Everything OK?
196
00:11:55,950 --> 00:12:00,590
It will be once Hopalong Haversham
takes it up a gear with my tea.
197
00:12:00,790 --> 00:12:03,150
You must be Mr Humpage.
198
00:12:03,350 --> 00:12:07,470
Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head
here, but you can call me Isobel.
199
00:12:07,670 --> 00:12:11,790
Isobel? What was it before Isambard?
Did you pick it yourself?
200
00:12:11,990 --> 00:12:14,270
No, my parents chose it.
201
00:12:14,470 --> 00:12:18,470
You're parents are supporting this?
Are they liberals, are they?
202
00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:22,750
May I take you on a small
guided tour of...
203
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:26,950
Yes! What don't you show me round this
spittoon of pig shit. There's a good lad.
204
00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:34,150
I would be honoured. So um, tell me exactly
what position do you hold at Middleton House.
205
00:12:34,350 --> 00:12:38,110
High tutor of Sports
and Grand Master of Dragon House.
206
00:12:38,310 --> 00:12:40,230
Oh wow, that's very impressive.
207
00:12:40,430 --> 00:12:43,270
Well,
it's one below Supreme High Wizard.
208
00:12:43,470 --> 00:12:45,710
Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan.
209
00:12:45,910 --> 00:12:49,350
Yes, we also wear the hoods.
Nothing else but...
210
00:12:49,550 --> 00:12:51,270
♪ Dressed, dressed
211
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:54,750
♪ Ya, listen, dress for the occasion
212
00:12:54,950 --> 00:12:57,270
♪ And surrounded by a table
full of patron
213
00:12:57,470 --> 00:12:59,190
♪ Not enough to go round... ♪
214
00:12:59,390 --> 00:13:03,110
Looks like those public school kids
be bare bricking it, d'you get me.
215
00:13:03,310 --> 00:13:04,670
Really?
216
00:13:09,270 --> 00:13:11,730
♪ There's a name for people like me
217
00:13:11,930 --> 00:13:14,190
♪ There's a name for people
like me
218
00:13:14,390 --> 00:13:17,990
♪ You can stereotype
There's a name for people like me
219
00:13:18,190 --> 00:13:21,590
♪ There's a name for people like me
You can stereotype
220
00:13:21,790 --> 00:13:27,190
♪ Yeah, people like me, there's
a name for people like me... ♪
221
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:31,030
Unbelievable.
222
00:13:31,230 --> 00:13:35,950
Here we have the jewel in our crown,
our computer block. Ta dah!
223
00:13:36,150 --> 00:13:38,950
Ooh, impressive!
224
00:13:39,150 --> 00:13:44,110
Reminds me of the set up we used to have
before the damn things went missing last year.
225
00:13:44,310 --> 00:13:48,110
No doubt pilfered by some oik
to help fund scratch cards
226
00:13:48,310 --> 00:13:49,510
and popcorn chicken.
227
00:13:49,710 --> 00:13:54,050
Oh, never mind. We soon replaced them -
raffled off one of our Rembrandts.
228
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:58,590
Well, it must be very rewarding working
at somewhere like Middleton House.
229
00:13:58,790 --> 00:14:02,830
You know what I like about
you "Isobel"?
230
00:14:03,030 --> 00:14:05,630
You're a straight shooter.
231
00:14:05,830 --> 00:14:09,630
You wear your dick on your sleeve.
No, it's just, it's just..
232
00:14:09,830 --> 00:14:11,270
No, we could use a chap
like you at our place,
233
00:14:11,470 --> 00:14:16,270
especially since Watkins succumbed
to the er, old teachers' curse.
234
00:14:16,470 --> 00:14:18,590
Oh, depression? Gout.
235
00:14:18,790 --> 00:14:22,430
There's only so much fois gras
a gentleman can take.
236
00:14:22,630 --> 00:14:24,670
I'd be happy to put you
forward for the job.
237
00:14:24,870 --> 00:14:26,470
How's that tickle your knackers?
238
00:14:26,670 --> 00:14:29,110
Oh, they are tickled.
239
00:14:36,030 --> 00:14:37,750
You must know something.
240
00:14:37,950 --> 00:14:40,430
Talk to me, Kammy.
241
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:43,870
'At which point Alan Mclnally
let out a massive fart.
242
00:14:44,070 --> 00:14:45,870
'Me and Charlie Nicholas
were in fits.
243
00:14:46,070 --> 00:14:50,470
'But Stelling, he never broke
stride. What a professional!'
244
00:14:50,670 --> 00:14:52,310
Unbelievable, Jeff.
245
00:15:00,030 --> 00:15:04,510
Look, guys,
it doesn't matter who they are,
246
00:15:04,710 --> 00:15:06,750
or how much better
they are than you.
247
00:15:06,950 --> 00:15:08,850
When you get out there,
248
00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:10,780
it's ten against ten,
249
00:15:10,980 --> 00:15:12,710
and anything can happen.
250
00:15:12,910 --> 00:15:15,510
You mean eleven.
251
00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:18,310
Yeah, eleven.
252
00:15:19,870 --> 00:15:22,510
It's eleven.
253
00:15:34,990 --> 00:15:36,790
You can do it!
254
00:15:36,990 --> 00:15:38,790
"You can do it!"
255
00:15:42,910 --> 00:15:44,910
Owww.
256
00:15:46,590 --> 00:15:48,550
You...
257
00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:50,170
twat!
258
00:15:50,370 --> 00:15:51,590
You pig.
259
00:15:51,790 --> 00:15:53,310
We need to do a goal, guys.
260
00:16:11,030 --> 00:16:12,950
♪ Say eat my goal
Eat my goal
261
00:16:13,150 --> 00:16:15,750
♪ Looking for a saviour to save ya
From a lack of knowledge
262
00:16:15,950 --> 00:16:17,990
♪ This little fella won't get you
through college
263
00:16:18,190 --> 00:16:21,270
♪ No, no ask me about summer so
Let everybody in the house say...
264
00:16:21,470 --> 00:16:23,090
Cowardly.
265
00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:24,710
Do a header!
266
00:16:24,910 --> 00:16:28,270
♪ To play sport and to forget to call
their mums on the telephone
267
00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:29,990
♪ Use some bass, lower the tone
268
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,790
♪ Lower the tone
Don't ask me cos me not know!
269
00:16:32,990 --> 00:16:36,150
♪ Say Ho ho
♪ Say Ho wo Ho wo
270
00:16:36,350 --> 00:16:39,510
♪ Eat my goal... ♪
Do a goal!
271
00:16:42,870 --> 00:16:45,550
MAKES FLAT NOTE
272
00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:01,670
This is rubbish.
273
00:17:01,870 --> 00:17:04,830
GENERAL CHATTER
274
00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:21,630
What? What?
I don't know.
275
00:17:21,830 --> 00:17:27,710
It's just that it looked like you
were going to say something...
276
00:17:27,910 --> 00:17:31,070
I don't know, something deep.
277
00:17:31,270 --> 00:17:34,230
To get us motivated
for the second half.
278
00:17:34,430 --> 00:17:35,550
There's a second half.
279
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,530
Oh my days.
280
00:17:37,730 --> 00:17:39,780
I knew that.
281
00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:42,030
Alfie, a word?
282
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:48,710
Look, this is ridiculous.
283
00:17:48,910 --> 00:17:51,670
We're playing like, the school
equivalent of Man United,
284
00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:53,510
and one of my team
is in a wheelchair.
285
00:17:53,710 --> 00:17:54,750
He's not even the worst.
286
00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:57,390
He's the only person in the first
half to have won a header.
287
00:17:57,590 --> 00:17:59,670
Look, Alfie.
288
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,630
It's understandable.
289
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:05,270
Seeing the man again can trigger
suppressed emotions.
290
00:18:05,470 --> 00:18:07,790
Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it.
291
00:18:07,990 --> 00:18:10,550
It was so long ago.
I was like fifteen.
292
00:18:10,750 --> 00:18:13,030
Jesus. Look, Alfie,
293
00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:17,790
I know you're traumatised
but remember what I said,
294
00:18:17,990 --> 00:18:20,510
it's not your fault.
295
00:18:20,710 --> 00:18:23,030
Well, it kind of was.
296
00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:26,550
No, Alfie. It's not.
You're the victim.
297
00:18:26,750 --> 00:18:28,350
Say it, "it's not my fault".
298
00:18:28,550 --> 00:18:30,990
It's not my fault
Doesn't that feel better?
299
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:34,670
Not really. Look I've been thinking,
can't I just throw in the towel?
300
00:18:34,870 --> 00:18:37,590
No. This is more than the match now.
301
00:18:37,790 --> 00:18:41,850
If you win this, you're not
winning for you but all the people
302
00:18:42,050 --> 00:18:46,110
who've had their voices
taken away by beasts like Humpage.
303
00:18:46,310 --> 00:18:47,830
Don't let him win.
304
00:18:50,270 --> 00:18:51,710
Yeah.
305
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:54,090
Yeah, I guess you're right.
306
00:18:54,290 --> 00:18:56,470
This game does mean a lot.
307
00:18:56,670 --> 00:18:58,990
You can do it! I can.
308
00:18:59,190 --> 00:19:02,790
Come on! I can do it, come on!
309
00:19:03,870 --> 00:19:06,310
OK, people.
310
00:19:06,510 --> 00:19:11,670
Do you want to know what Middleton
House are saying about us right now?
311
00:19:11,870 --> 00:19:14,230
Arseholes! >
312
00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:20,350
They're also saying that we are
just going to bend over and take it.
313
00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:21,710
So they got my group text?
314
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:25,630
You know, I heard some of them saying
315
00:19:25,830 --> 00:19:28,790
about one of you in particular,
316
00:19:28,990 --> 00:19:31,270
who will remain nameless,
317
00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:33,270
was so ugly,
318
00:19:33,470 --> 00:19:37,510
pathetic and physically deformed,
319
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,830
that they should get
a Pride of Britain award
320
00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:43,630
just for not killing themselves.
321
00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:47,830
Now are we really going to take that?
322
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:52,070
Or are we, for Joe's sake,
323
00:19:53,430 --> 00:19:55,230
going to say no?
324
00:19:55,430 --> 00:20:00,150
Let's show them.
Quitting is out of the question.
325
00:20:00,350 --> 00:20:01,670
When it gets tough,
326
00:20:01,870 --> 00:20:04,190
we gotta fight some more.
327
00:20:04,390 --> 00:20:06,170
We've gotta fight.
328
00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:07,950
Fight! Fight! Fight!
329
00:20:08,150 --> 00:20:10,630
Fight for this love! Yeah!
330
00:20:10,830 --> 00:20:14,030
Ready your breakfasts,
and eat hearty,
331
00:20:14,230 --> 00:20:17,430
for tonight we dine in hell.
332
00:20:17,630 --> 00:20:20,910
Let's get out there.
333
00:20:21,110 --> 00:20:23,650
THIS IS SPARTA!
334
00:20:23,850 --> 00:20:26,390
Yeah! Go on!
335
00:20:32,550 --> 00:20:34,750
Rem Dogg's injured.
336
00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:36,350
Puncture.
337
00:20:37,750 --> 00:20:39,490
Can I play second half, Sir?
338
00:20:39,690 --> 00:20:41,430
All right Stephen. You're up!
339
00:20:42,510 --> 00:20:45,990
This is the ball. OK?
340
00:20:46,190 --> 00:20:48,070
Mitchell will pass you the ball
341
00:20:48,270 --> 00:20:50,590
and then you kick it straight
to Grayson.
342
00:20:50,790 --> 00:20:52,470
Understand?
343
00:21:30,950 --> 00:21:33,270
Goal!
344
00:21:45,750 --> 00:21:47,270
Sprinkler.
345
00:21:47,470 --> 00:21:49,350
Do the Sprinkler!
346
00:21:50,390 --> 00:21:52,670
Come on, you tripstoppers!
347
00:21:52,870 --> 00:21:55,110
Come on, Middleton.
348
00:21:57,550 --> 00:21:59,510
Get in!
349
00:22:00,510 --> 00:22:02,830
What's the matter with you?
You hoo!
350
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:04,750
What's the matter with you...?
351
00:22:04,950 --> 00:22:07,750
The bloke in the wheelchair's
faster than you lot!
352
00:22:11,270 --> 00:22:14,150
♪ Get yer tits out,
get yer tits out...!
353
00:22:14,350 --> 00:22:15,310
Not now.
354
00:22:15,510 --> 00:22:19,350
More goals.. Yes! Inflation!
355
00:22:51,830 --> 00:22:56,330
OK, you want to play?
You want to party?
356
00:22:56,530 --> 00:23:01,030
Right, let's heat this party up,
huh.
357
00:23:01,230 --> 00:23:03,910
Oh ho yeah, Humpage.
358
00:23:04,110 --> 00:23:08,350
I like to party, and I've been to
far hotter parties than this.
359
00:23:08,550 --> 00:23:13,150
In fact, I like to party in a sauna.
360
00:23:13,350 --> 00:23:18,230
Yeah. And I've partied with far
bigger men than you.
361
00:23:19,750 --> 00:23:21,630
I can go all night long.
362
00:23:23,550 --> 00:23:25,870
OK. Come on Middleton.
363
00:23:26,070 --> 00:23:27,950
WHISTLE BLOWS
364
00:23:28,150 --> 00:23:30,030
Come on, Abbey Grove.
365
00:23:40,950 --> 00:23:43,210
Careful, Alfie.
366
00:23:43,410 --> 00:23:45,470
Do him, Sir.
367
00:23:45,670 --> 00:23:49,110
You stupid little quitting
quitting quitter.
368
00:23:49,310 --> 00:23:52,750
QU-IT-TER spells quitter!
369
00:23:52,950 --> 00:23:55,670
Quit, quit, quit...
370
00:23:55,870 --> 00:23:58,830
Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers.
371
00:23:59,030 --> 00:24:04,710
Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker. Quitter, quitter,
quitter, quitter, quitter. All you do it quit.
372
00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:08,950
You're only good for quitting.
Quitter! You quitter!
373
00:24:17,710 --> 00:24:19,510
AMBULANCE SIREN
374
00:24:21,230 --> 00:24:23,150
Wickers, what have you done?
375
00:24:23,350 --> 00:24:27,470
If you have harmed a hair
on his beautiful body.
376
00:24:27,670 --> 00:24:31,790
Wickers. Wickers,
I know I've been harsh, boy,
377
00:24:31,990 --> 00:24:34,750
but I only ever wanted
the best for you.
378
00:24:34,950 --> 00:24:37,230
You've finally got what you
deserved, you pig!
379
00:24:37,430 --> 00:24:38,950
Steady on.
380
00:24:39,150 --> 00:24:41,710
You should be ashamed of yourself
for what you put him through!
381
00:24:41,910 --> 00:24:43,950
What I put him through?
It was his fault.
382
00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:49,350
How dare you say that. Of course
it's not his fault. He's the victim.
383
00:24:49,550 --> 00:24:51,070
Why do you keep calling me
the victim?
384
00:24:51,270 --> 00:24:54,390
Because you are, Alfie.
Don't you see? Oh God.
385
00:24:54,590 --> 00:25:00,870
Enough is enough. You've got to accept it.
You are the victim of a rapist.
386
00:25:01,070 --> 00:25:05,310
What? Yes. That's right,
you heard me. You are a rapist.
387
00:25:05,510 --> 00:25:06,630
You raped poor Alfie.
388
00:25:06,830 --> 00:25:10,190
What are you talking about?!
No, I didn't.
389
00:25:10,390 --> 00:25:13,550
Erm, Mr Humpage definitely
didn't rape me.
390
00:25:13,750 --> 00:25:21,590
Where did you get that idea? Alfie, you
said something went on in the second year.
391
00:25:21,790 --> 00:25:24,710
Yeah. I quit his sports team.
392
00:25:24,910 --> 00:25:27,630
And you were the most promising
student I ever coached.
393
00:25:27,830 --> 00:25:29,190
You could have gone pro.
394
00:25:29,390 --> 00:25:33,710
When you threw it away
it tore me up inside.
395
00:25:33,910 --> 00:25:36,670
Hang on. You said you didn't want
to talk about it
396
00:25:36,870 --> 00:25:41,870
cos for a man it's embarrassing but there's nothing
embarrassing about quitting the football team.
397
00:25:42,070 --> 00:25:46,550
Erm, wait, er, what sport
are we talking about here?
398
00:25:46,750 --> 00:25:48,270
Weight lifting. Irish dancing.
399
00:25:48,470 --> 00:25:49,510
THEY ALL SNIGGER
400
00:25:49,710 --> 00:25:53,310
You should have seen his soft
shoe hornpipe.
401
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:54,550
We had such plans.
402
00:25:54,750 --> 00:25:58,270
First, we'd take Broadway,
then the world.
403
00:25:58,470 --> 00:26:03,870
I mean, who else had ever thought of a
show consisting entirely of Irish dancing?
404
00:26:04,070 --> 00:26:09,150
The day you turned your back on dance
was the day you shattered my dreams!
405
00:26:12,150 --> 00:26:14,750
Ooh...
406
00:26:14,950 --> 00:26:16,750
Oh gosh.
407
00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,550
I'm sorry.
408
00:26:18,750 --> 00:26:20,550
Right, get the ambulance.
409
00:26:20,750 --> 00:26:23,350
My future job prospects
could be dying here.
410
00:26:23,550 --> 00:26:27,150
Do it for me, Alfie. One more time.
411
00:26:27,350 --> 00:26:28,750
Before I go.
412
00:26:29,950 --> 00:26:32,410
I couldn't, I can't.
413
00:26:32,610 --> 00:26:34,660
I haven't warmed up.
414
00:26:34,860 --> 00:26:36,910
I might pull something.
415
00:26:37,110 --> 00:26:38,630
Go on, Alfie.
416
00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:40,750
I can't wait to see this.
417
00:26:40,950 --> 00:26:42,870
Sir, do it. Sir, do it.
418
00:26:44,750 --> 00:26:47,710
Just one last time.
419
00:27:24,030 --> 00:27:25,950
So, that's it really.
420
00:27:26,150 --> 00:27:28,790
Don't know why I gave it up.
421
00:27:28,990 --> 00:27:30,550
Gay!
422
00:27:30,750 --> 00:27:32,550
Oh yeah. That's why.
423
00:27:32,750 --> 00:27:35,870
Not bad, but it lacked a little
panache. Let's go again.
424
00:27:36,070 --> 00:27:41,110
And that's the other.
Match abandoned. It's a draw.
425
00:27:44,110 --> 00:27:48,110
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