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1
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Every morning. Off!
2
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Sorry.
3
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:25,840
Carry on.
4
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:33,719
Morning, class.
5
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,479
Morning, sir.
6
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,679
I have taken the liberty
7
00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:41,720
of doing the form register for you.
Shh, shh.
8
00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,319
Jing, your language
is very beautiful
9
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but means nothing to me.
10
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,479
Parents' evening tonight, sir.
You get to meet my mum.
11
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,039
Everyone says she's a MILF.
12
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:56,399
Chantelle, have you not got a class
to be preparing for? Maths.
13
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,959
We're doing fractions.
14
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:02,159
Apparently 23 won't go into 15.
Mrs Mollinson says it's impossible.
15
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,639
We'll see about that.
16
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:06,639
Oh, I can't believe you did that!
17
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,359
Rem Dogg, why are you late?
18
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:11,439
Wheelchair. And you, Mitchell?
19
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,359
Well, this thing don't push itself,
does it? Look, please,
20
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,119
it's Monday morning.
I have a hangover.
21
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,319
Joe, can you just go and see
if that first aid box
22
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has got any Berocca in it?
23
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:24,440
Yes, Dad!
24
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:31,799
Oh, my days! He just called
Mr Wickers Dad! What a helmet!
25
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,679
Shut up, Mitchell.
26
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,720
At least he knows who his dad is.
27
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:24,799
And that is how quiet Anne Frank
28
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:28,319
and her family had to be
to evade capture by the Nazis.
29
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,839
Mr Wickers, I need the papers.
30
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You 'vant to see my papers?
The mock exam papers, Mr Wickers.
31
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,479
Anything?
32
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:40,719
Has anyone ever told you that you
would make a wonderful SS officer?
33
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,959
Yes. Now shall we just do this
in my office?
34
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,360
Yeah.
35
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,999
I need to process
the mock exam results
36
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,839
for parents' evening tonight.
37
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,439
Yeah, right, good.
I was hoping you'd ask about those.
38
00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:07,960
Stop fanny farting, Mr Wickers.
Just give me the results, where are they?
39
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,679
All up here. What?
40
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:15,359
Seriously. Give me any student,
I'll give you their results.
41
00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,159
Natalya Lisovskaya. A.
42
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:25,239
Natalya Lisovskaya was a double gold
medal-winning Soviet shot putter.
43
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,559
What they get up to in their free
time is none of my concern, Isobel.
44
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,519
Don't call me that.
45
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:34,560
Izzy? Is that better?
Sort of more chummy. The Izzter.
46
00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:40,279
I suppose you think
you've got balls coming in here
47
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:43,519
playing your silly little games.
Well, let me tell you something,
48
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,959
I've got bigger balls
than you'll ever have.
49
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,399
Well, it's written in the gent's,
but I assumed that was just a rumour.
50
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,800
It's a metaphor, Mr Wickers.
Let me hit you with another.
51
00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:54,999
You're skating on very thin ice.
52
00:03:55,000 --> 00:04:00,439
And that ice is cracking with the
weight of me and my ginormous balls.
53
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,000
Two's company, three's a crowd.
54
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:08,919
So, wait, now you've got three balls?
By five or they all fail. By five?!
55
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,359
But that's like 30 papers!
56
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,399
That's like three hours marking!
57
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:17,439
This is slave labour.
You are persecuting me.
58
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,399
Parents' evening is my opportunity
59
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,359
to show you up
for who you really are.
60
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,039
By five, or you'll be running home
to your daddy
61
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,800
like the pathetic little boy
you are.
62
00:04:26,801 --> 00:04:29,239
Oh, I won't be running anywhere.
63
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,359
Really? No.
64
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:33,880
Because Daddy is picking me up
in the car.
65
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:55,559
Alfie, your post in my pigeonhole
again. Morning, Rosie.
66
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,599
What is it, another nomination
for Teacher Of The Year?
67
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,799
Outstanding payment
on a student loan.
68
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,599
What are you like?
69
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,039
Lovely. I look terrible, but thanks.
70
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:10,119
I was thinking about you last night.
71
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,559
I was on my way to the gym
for an ab-attack.
72
00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:18,239
And I went past Cafe Rouge.
Reminded me of our little date.
73
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,399
It was a staff party.
You say potato, I say...
74
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,639
date.
75
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,319
Oh, please, Alfie, not today.
76
00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:31,399
Richard broke up with me last night.
What, HE broke up with YOU? Why?
77
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,039
You're perfect. Oh, you know,
I guess it's a relief, you know.
78
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,759
I mean, I'm a very physical person
79
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:42,359
and I think Richard was intimidated
by that. What a square!
80
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,399
I mean, for the last few months
we barely touched each other.
81
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:49,559
I'm going to take a break from relationships
and throw myself into my voluntary work.
82
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,359
No more dating men for me.
83
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,560
Just orphans and abused children.
84
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,200
Oh, as in the charity work?
85
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,560
O-O-Obviously. Obviously, yeah.
86
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,039
But if I need some teary pity sex,
you'll be on my shortlist.
87
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,759
I'd clear my diary like that.
88
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,559
Except for Thursday.
It's my dad's birthday,
89
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:17,159
so he's taking me and a friend
to go and see Cirque du Soleil.
90
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,200
Richard used to love the circus.
91
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:26,679
Someone put your post
in my pigeonhole.
92
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:30,560
Yeah, like I'm going to fall
for that trick, Mollinson.
93
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,919
Class, I've got good news
and bad news. What do you want?
94
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,839
The bad news.
95
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:44,479
Well, Jing, the good news is that
today's history module is Pearl Harbor,
96
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,839
and we all know what that means.
97
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,520
It's class wars!
98
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,719
OK, so it's December 7th, 1941.
We're in Hawaii, a military port.
99
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,519
The first thing we're going
to require is some Americans.
100
00:06:57,520 --> 00:07:00,359
Andre, you're Ben Affleck.
Joe, Josh Hartnett.
101
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,759
Rem Dogg, you're a tank. Yes!
102
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,719
Next up, I'm going to need a nurse.
Where's my Beckinsale?
103
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:10,879
Please, sir, I'm great with cancer. I know all the
words to Beaches. All right, you can be Beckinsale.
104
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:17,880
Now, finally, we require a member
of the Japanese Imperial Air Force.
105
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:23,639
The Emperor will be proud of you,
my lotus flower.
106
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,959
She's Chinese, you muppet! I know.
107
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,399
OK, positions! It's kamikaze time.
108
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:33,159
Wait, sir... what about the bad news?
109
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:36,399
Um... You might, probably,
almost definitely
110
00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,039
are all going to fail
your mock exams.
111
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,239
What do you mean
we're going to fail?
112
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,119
It's complicated, all right,
I didn't want to bore you with it.
113
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:49,759
The important lesson here is for you
to look for the positives in failure.
114
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:53,439
Like, for example, my grandad.
115
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,559
He suffered failure. Lung failure.
116
00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:00,359
Which meant that I inherited a Volvo.
117
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,440
So remember that.
Always look for the Volvo.
118
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:09,999
So it's a quiet morning
in Pearl Harbor, but not in Tokyo.
119
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:14,199
Alfie, we can't fail.
My dad'll kill me. Don't be silly.
120
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,279
My dad'll kill you.
121
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,239
Well, I mean, I guess
I could mark some of them.
122
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,919
Listen, you mug!
You need to mark all of them.
123
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,439
Yeah, you don't want to see my dad
when he's angry.
124
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,439
He used to train in the same gym
as David Haye.
125
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,200
And Sally Gunnell.
126
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,000
Nice kicks.
127
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,679
Um, thank you? Give them me.
128
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:46,159
What? Give them me.
129
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,839
No.
130
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,919
You couldn't even wear them,
they have an orthopaedic heel.
131
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,919
Shut up, Downton Abbey. They would
play havoc with your arches.
132
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:57,519
I'm sorry, Grayson,
133
00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,080
I'm not giving you my shoes.
134
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:12,919
Whoop, whoop!
135
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,799
It's the sound of the police!
136
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,119
You have been apprehended.
137
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,878
You have the right to remain silent,
138
00:09:18,879 --> 00:09:21,160
although that's unlikely,
as you've been arrested
139
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:24,999
by Sergeant Fraser,
head of Dave's Witty Banter Unit.
140
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,199
Step inside, Alf,
need a quick conflabamundo.
141
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,719
Oh, Give me strength.
Grab some plastic, homeboy.
142
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:33,640
Look, you're not firing me, are you?
143
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:36,119
If this is about those
fire extinguishers,
144
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,600
I was doing a class on democracy.
145
00:09:37,601 --> 00:09:41,399
I was using Mitchell to demonstrate
Guantanamo Bay torture techniques.
146
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,679
Holster those pistols, young ranger,
147
00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:48,719
lets just control-alt-Apple-Z
that last little outburst, shall we?
148
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,799
Although for the record, that can
definitely never happen again. I get it.
149
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:57,679
You are intimidated
by my teaching methods. Right?
150
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:02,079
Yeah, but I make learning fun.
If I was a font, I'd be Comic Sans.
151
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,399
You are so Times New Roman.
152
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,759
Shut the funk door!
You know I'd be Wingdings.
153
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:13,479
Crazy. Any-shiz, some of
the old school don't get you.
154
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:18,480
But I do. I'm young, I'm cool
and I find your approach...
155
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,879
refreshing.
156
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:30,119
However, this little man-to-man
is about Rosie. Miss Gulliver.
157
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:34,799
As Beyonce says, she's a single lady
and I'm going to put a ring in it.
158
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,999
What?! You fancy Miss Gulliver?
159
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,359
I likey...
160
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,759
I lighty.
161
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,960
Oh, what's that smell?
162
00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:47,079
Whiffy banter!
163
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,079
Oh, for f...
Look, what's this got to do with me?
164
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,199
Because, Alf, you're going to be
my wingman! Uh-uh, no way.
165
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,879
I need your help to get Gulliver
to go on a date with me.
166
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:59,759
I'll literally follow
your every word.
167
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,240
My EVERY word?
168
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:07,200
All right. Well, I guess I could
give you SOME pointers.
169
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,199
First piece of advice...
170
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:11,719
completely ignore her.
171
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,319
Women love that shit.
172
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:17,359
Really? Yeah, it'll definitely work.
173
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:19,240
I can see we're going
to make quite a team.
174
00:11:19,241 --> 00:11:23,119
And look, I'm already prepped.
Downloaded a chat-up app.
175
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,559
Let's roll the dice.
176
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,959
You're ridiculous.
177
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,079
Roses are red, violets are blue,
178
00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:32,599
later tonight I'll be
hanging out the back of...
179
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,720
I probably won't use that one,
actually.
180
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,520
Can I go now?
181
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,839
So, I decided, this evening,
182
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:14,279
take your mind off Richard, I would
book us a little table... No, no,
183
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:17,239
absolutely, 100% definitely not.
184
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,519
Sounds like a maybe.
185
00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:23,199
Look, I think the reason things
didn't work out with Richard
186
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,880
is cos he was so old and boring.
187
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:31,399
You know, what a lot of women
prefer nowadays is a toy boy.
188
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,919
Ashton and Demi.
189
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,240
Guy Ritchie and Madonna.
All divorced.
190
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:40,839
Ben Ofuedo and Vanessa Feltz.
191
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:41,960
Alf, I love you.
192
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,800
Not in that way.
193
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,119
It's just...
194
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,199
you are a bit immature.
195
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,479
"You're a bit immature."
196
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:58,199
Mm. Look, I am a grown-up.
I do so many grown-up things.
197
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:02,159
I use coasters,
I put my posters into frames.
198
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,559
I've got a bag-for-life.
199
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,520
Share my bag with me, Rosie.
200
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:10,279
Did that sound really desperate?
201
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,639
A little.
202
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,080
Shit.
203
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,520
Immature!
204
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,319
Hi, yeah, is that TGI Fridays?
205
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,960
Yeah, I want to cancel a table
booked under the name of Wickers.
206
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,439
Well, obviously
if I'm cancelling the table,
207
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,560
I also want to cancel the cake.
208
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,719
I can't. What's the point?
209
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,079
Sir?
210
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:47,559
Oh. History or something.
211
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:51,319
Oh, stop being such a pussy.
It's just a girl.
212
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,999
That's very perceptive.
Oh, no, what I meant to say was,
213
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:58,199
stop being such a girl,
it's only pussy!
214
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,279
Right.
215
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,079
I suppose you'll be looking
for a rebound then, sir?
216
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,719
I feel so hurt. So upset.
217
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,839
It's like getting kicked
in the balls with a football
218
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,199
to the power of Mufasa dying
in Lion King.
219
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,799
Ow! Snap out of it. Wow!
220
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,359
You've got quite a slap.
Well, you learn to defend yourself
221
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:20,279
when you're the only kid in
the playground with a Sade ringtone.
222
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,719
He's right, you need to man up! Ow!
223
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,520
Right, OK, enough with the slapping.
224
00:14:24,521 --> 00:14:26,879
Sorry, I just wanted to hit you.
Hang on, guys,
225
00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:30,199
Mr Wickers may be
a bit of a twat. Right...
226
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,559
Despite being a twat... Don't get me
wrong, he's definitely a twat.
227
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,839
OK, I think we get the picture. But if he
don't mark that shit, he'll get fired,
228
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:41,759
then we could end up with a real teacher! We can
say goodbye to class wars and hello to homework.
229
00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,319
Screw that!
230
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:46,159
Oh, God, my parents might send me
to one of them all girls' schools
231
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:50,000
where you're not allowed electric
toothbrushes or door handles or anything.
232
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,839
Of course, Jing!
233
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,279
You guys can mark them.
234
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:05,839
We'll do the pass-to-the-left
method! Why didn't I think of that?
235
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,840
Hooray for Jing!
236
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,280
You're a joke.
237
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,160
Yeahhhhhhh! Woo!
238
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,439
A-ha, Alfie Wickers! The Wicker Man!
239
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,719
Wickers World! What's going on here?
240
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,839
Just organising a post-workage
meetage at the pubage,
241
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,079
Duke's Arms... age.
242
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:42,799
We're going to talk about the school's charity
calendar. I want to make a speech at parents' evening
243
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,279
and the reason I've chosen
this God-awful degenerative disease
244
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,839
is that... I know all about
Palmer's Syndrome. Really?
245
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,199
Yep.
246
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,599
Personal experience. Sadly.
247
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,120
Who?
248
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,439
Joe's mum. What, really?
249
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:05,239
Yeah. Yeah, she got the old PS.
250
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,799
Caught it on holiday. Caught it?
251
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:14,279
What I mean is, it caught up
with her on holiday... obviously,
252
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,239
as Palmer's Syndrome
isn't contagious.
253
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,079
It's er... idiopathic.
254
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,559
Which strand did she contract?
255
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,759
Both of them.
256
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:28,199
Bo... Arthropathic and neuropathic?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Correct.
257
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:32,039
God, so she had all of the
symptoms? All of them. Which ones?
258
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,279
You know, the main ones.
259
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:38,679
S... Insomnia.
260
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,679
Postural instability.
Oh, that's nasty.
261
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:46,519
Um, the face thing, with the face...
262
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,599
Face? Her fingers fell off.
263
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,159
Her fingers fell off?! I did not
know that that was a symptom.
264
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,799
Yeah, it's not so much a symptom.
It was, um, frostbite,
265
00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:01,279
she got frostbite, cos
she was looking for a cure in...
266
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:02,639
Iceland.
267
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,280
That's why mums
shouldn't go to Iceland!
268
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:12,639
Anyway, I don't want to go on
about it but, you know,
269
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,279
I do do an awful lot for him.
270
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,839
I mean, only this morning in class...
271
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:20,599
No, I shouldn't say, it's silly.
No, no, go on.
272
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,919
He called me Daddy. Aw!
273
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,039
It's no biggy, you know.
274
00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,999
I had no idea that Palmer's Syndrome
meant so much to you, Alfie.
275
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,159
Why don't you join us?
276
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,480
It'd be lovely to have his input,
wouldn't it, Fraser?
277
00:17:33,481 --> 00:17:35,599
Well, I think it'd be better
if we were just...
278
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,559
It would mean a lot.
279
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:41,399
Who cares for the carers? Hey, we
can all go. The more, the merrier.
280
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,879
Thanks, Rosie. That's OK!
281
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:47,120
Can I just talk to that student?
Go get him.
282
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:49,879
Alfredo, good squire?
283
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,839
Mmm? You wouldn't be cock-blocking
me, would you, wingman?
284
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:56,959
No, no. Course not, wingman.
285
00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:00,999
What I'm doing
is demonstrating to her
286
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,999
how unsuitable I am
287
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,439
to highlight how great you are,
Maverick.
288
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,839
Mmm. Thunking outside the box,
289
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,479
Goose.
290
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:16,040
Oh, BT-dubs, love the way you rock
out with your croc out.
291
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:35,639
Joe, I am going to need you
to go ahead and hide in the cupboard.
292
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,439
OK...
293
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:38,840
Quick!
294
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,679
Hey, sorry, just busy with...
Sorry, Alfie, I was just thinking,
295
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,920
about Joe's mum, um...
296
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,439
Alfie, why are the kids
sat like that?
297
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,440
Oh, we're learning
about South Africa.
298
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,919
Right. Um...
299
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,519
I was thinking, I could really use
Joe's mum in the campaign.
300
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,239
Really?
301
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,919
Is that a good idea?
302
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,080
It's a personal story,
give the appeal resonance.
303
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,799
Shock people into action!
304
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:12,080
Yeah, but, you know...
305
00:19:12,081 --> 00:19:14,359
So can I just have a quick word
with Joe? No.
306
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:19,759
Er, you can't, cos he was ill,
so he went to the doctor.
307
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,639
Let's hope he hasn't got it as well.
308
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:27,279
Oh, well, if you see him, just
tell me, won't you? Will do. OK.
309
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,960
Can I come out now?
310
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,839
What was that? What was what, sorry?
311
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,519
That voice from the cupboard.
312
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,519
Nelson Mandela.
313
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:38,919
Yeah. Robben Island.
314
00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:42,439
Sorry, Mandy! 1989, one more year!
315
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,120
Crack on,
you've got a book to write.
316
00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:48,400
See you later.
317
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,439
Miss Gulliver is so buffting.
318
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,399
Yeah, she's hot, man,
like proper spice! No, she ain't!
319
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:01,400
Beauty is in the eye of
the beholder, Chantelle. Shakespeare.
320
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:07,999
Shakespeare, Jing, he was an English
writer who wrote Romeo and Juliet.
321
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,520
And The King's Speech.
322
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,639
Hey!
323
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:16,879
So, you know the way I'm your
favourite teacher in the whole world?
324
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:21,159
Well, I need a little favour
from my favourite pupil.
325
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:25,239
You are always asking me to do you
favours. No, I'm not. Give me one.
326
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,719
Yesterday, at break,
327
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,799
when you made me go up to Conor Wilson
and tell him that you were Banksy.
328
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:33,239
Look, all I need you to do
this time, very simple,
329
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,319
is to pretend your mum has a
potentially fatal, degenerative disease
330
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,240
so that Miss Gulliver
goes on a date with me
331
00:20:38,241 --> 00:20:43,360
and subsequently, at some point in the
future, hopefully becomes my girlfriend.
332
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,919
OK.
333
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,879
Oh, Miss Pickwell.
334
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:08,440
See you, er, got the papers? Indeed.
335
00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:13,240
Good. So, er, what were the results?
336
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:17,839
Oh, silly me.
337
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:20,199
All up here.
338
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,159
Whose do you want to know?
339
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,879
Um, Mitchell? Fail.
340
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,479
Remi? Fail.
341
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,239
Stephen? Fail.
342
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,839
Fail, fail, fail, fail,
343
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,439
fail, fail, fail, fail.
Fail, fail, fail.
344
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,439
OK. Starting to see a bit
of a pattern emerging here.
345
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:42,319
Oh, what about Chantelle?
Oh, let's see.
346
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:44,919
Oh, 100%.
347
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,919
"Could try harder
to be less of a slag."
348
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,919
Classic.
349
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,439
You didn't mark their papers,
Mr Wickers.
350
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,479
They did. And because of this,
they all failed.
351
00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,119
The trouble with you, Mr Wickers,
is you're all fart and no poo.
352
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:03,120
Let me tell you this, when I fart...
353
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,800
I follow through.
354
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:17,079
So, as Chantelle's mother
355
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,759
and...
356
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,040
father?
357
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:24,959
I-I...
358
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,920
Sorry, um, you're not actually
allowed to smoke in here...
359
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,640
or indeed any buildings these days.
360
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:40,120
Um, what it is, is that Chantelle
has failed her mock exam.
361
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,959
I bet she done all right
on her oral.
362
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,999
I teach history,
we don't even do an...
363
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:50,080
Never mind.
364
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,560
Oh...
365
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,679
So before we get onto Jing,
serious question.
366
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:25,000
How long until all the pets
we have will be robots?
367
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,200
Oh... Struggling, Wickers?
368
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:48,039
I always find parents' evening
a lot less stressful
369
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,359
if at least one of my children
has passed.
370
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,759
That's the problem with you,
Pickwell.
371
00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:56,079
It's all about results and grades.
372
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,159
My class have other talents. Right.
373
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:02,639
Stephen knows all the words
to Steel Magnolias.
374
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,199
Wow! That's like
a three-hour film.
375
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:10,119
And Mitchell Harper can hold
his breath for four minutes.
376
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,719
Twice what I can do! Right.
377
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,679
And you remember Joe,
the boy you wanted to exclude?
378
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:21,599
Well, he has got a birthmark
that looks exactly like James May.
379
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,679
So you may not see much in my them,
380
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,039
but I believe in my class.
381
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:30,959
And for the record,
they're not children, OK?
382
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,839
They are young adults.
383
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:34,359
Oh, shit!
384
00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:36,479
Rem Dogg's dad's got a glass eye!
385
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,360
What a penis!
386
00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,639
Alfie, I think this whole Miss Gulliver
thing might've got out of hand.
387
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,799
What happened? Well, she was
asking me all these questions
388
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,079
and I just started panicking.
And then...
389
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,719
Look, look, calm down,
it's going to be fine.
390
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,800
I told her my mum was dead.
Oh, shit! Boo!
391
00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:09,919
First a mahoo-ssive thank you
for coming to parents' evening.
392
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:14,359
I know it can be difficult hearing how your
sprogs are a little bit slow on the uptake.
393
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:19,080
And you're thinking, "Oh, God, why didn't
I lay off the cider after the first scan?"
394
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,679
But it's important to remember
that there are kids out there
395
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,759
less fortunate than your own.
396
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:33,039
So here to tell you a little bit
about our fundraising venture
397
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,079
is the wonderful Miss Gulliver.
Big hand, please.
398
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,880
Shit, you have to stop her! How?
399
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:44,120
We are all going to die.
400
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,479
But what if I told you, madam,
401
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:51,040
that your child wasn't going
to reach the age of 30?
402
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,879
Because that's the reality
of Palmer's Syndrome.
403
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:59,799
It's a condition that affects
one in six million.
404
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:05,159
So give us
all your fuckin' money now!
405
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:09,959
That is the message here. Now, if everyone
wants to make their way through to the foyer,
406
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,559
there's a complimentary glass
of red or white wine.
407
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,719
Let's get in before
Ms Mollinson necks it all,
408
00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,559
we all know what she's been like
ever since her husband left her!
409
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:18,879
Alfie, not now.
410
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:23,559
So I would like to tell you a story
about a brave woman
411
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:27,119
who this year lost her battle
with Palmer's Syndrome.
412
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:30,919
A remarkable woman. Joe's mum.
413
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:33,440
Emma Poulter.
414
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,199
Hang on. Who?!
415
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:39,999
Free booze! What's going on?
416
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,319
Some people find loss
very hard to take.
417
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,679
Emma Poulter isn't dead.
418
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,839
Denial. First stage of grief.
419
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,319
I'm Emma Poulter.
420
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,039
Second stage, identity theft.
421
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,600
No, I am Emma Poulter!
422
00:26:56,920 --> 00:27:00,159
No, I am Emma Poulter!
423
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:04,599
Because in many ways
we're all Emma Poulters,
424
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:07,679
because this disease
can affect anyone.
425
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,519
I'm very much alive,
and I haven't got Palmer's Syndrome.
426
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,360
Alfie? She...
427
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,679
You said that...
428
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,959
She's got ten massive fingers!
429
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:23,279
Right, Wickers, my office now!
Come on. Wait! Wait!
430
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:27,039
It's not his fault. I did it.
431
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,680
I just wanted to make
Mr Wickers happy.
432
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:32,960
I just wanted to show off to him.
433
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,519
He's the dad I never really had.
Oh, my God...
434
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,920
Aw!
435
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:42,520
But I'm your dad.
436
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,040
Oh, bollocks.
437
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:51,119
God, I really need a drink.
438
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:54,319
Yeah, well, let's go to the pubage.
439
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,680
I haven't been out for a long time.
Don't worry, I'll look after you.
440
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,079
I'm sorry, Alfie.
441
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,999
It's just all so cringe.
442
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,880
I failed again.
443
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:13,480
Look for the Volvo.
444
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,359
Do you want to go play Time Crisis
and shove some dog shit
445
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,239
through Pickwell's letter box?
446
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:21,559
Yeah.
447
00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:23,720
Let's do that again.
448
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,720
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