Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,158
Well, hello to you and thank you
for welcoming me into your room.
2
00:00:04,239 --> 00:00:07,785
I don't mean this image of me on your screen,
I mean, look behind you - I've crept in!
3
00:00:07,786 --> 00:00:09,987
Not really.
At least one of you looked.
4
00:00:12,421 --> 00:00:16,541
The reason I'm cowering -
I've had the worst week of my life.
5
00:00:16,542 --> 00:00:18,020
Mum's been staying.
6
00:00:18,021 --> 00:00:21,741
Not just that - she's been
trapped inside with a bad back
7
00:00:21,742 --> 00:00:23,421
for five very long days.
8
00:00:25,101 --> 00:00:28,619
I even had to take her to
the loo. I'll never recover.
9
00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:31,701
There should be a law
against mothers wearing thongs.
10
00:00:34,261 --> 00:00:36,779
Mike accepted a training
course to get away.
11
00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:39,181
I am at
the plotting-her-death stage.
12
00:00:40,901 --> 00:00:42,741
Oh, yes, and she's got a bell.
13
00:00:44,141 --> 00:00:45,781
Once more unto the breach...
14
00:00:46,243 --> 00:00:56,379
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
15
00:00:56,461 --> 00:00:58,219
And when I say fresh towel,
16
00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:01,341
I don't mean Febrezed and
flapped outside of the window.
17
00:01:07,261 --> 00:01:08,979
And have you got my magazines yet?
18
00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:10,859
And have you changed that bin liner?
19
00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:12,261
I'm doing, I'm doing it!
20
00:01:14,901 --> 00:01:17,141
Oh, sorry about that.
21
00:01:19,421 --> 00:01:20,660
Yes, dear?
22
00:01:20,661 --> 00:01:23,941
Could you pass me the doobries?
Don't call them doobries.
23
00:01:23,942 --> 00:01:25,900
The remote control doobries.
24
00:01:25,901 --> 00:01:28,060
It's just remote control.
25
00:01:28,061 --> 00:01:30,661
You don't need to put
doobries at the end.
26
00:01:37,381 --> 00:01:39,100
What is it with mothers?
27
00:01:39,101 --> 00:01:41,979
You give birth,
you instantly don't understand
28
00:01:41,980 --> 00:01:44,339
anything technical any more.
Ridiculous.
29
00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:48,019
But you suddenly have a spare
drawer of greeting cards, don't you?
30
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,421
Yes, and you walk in
to a room to ask a question
31
00:01:50,422 --> 00:01:53,100
and then you just
answer it yourself.
32
00:01:53,101 --> 00:01:54,541
I'm just here!
33
00:01:55,781 --> 00:01:58,181
I'd like my sheets
changed before I eat.
34
00:02:09,541 --> 00:02:11,060
What's that?
35
00:02:11,061 --> 00:02:13,701
It's your mobile. Every time!
36
00:02:19,261 --> 00:02:20,821
Hello?
37
00:02:22,621 --> 00:02:24,100
Hello?
38
00:02:24,101 --> 00:02:27,460
Hello, darling.
Are you on the homo phone?
39
00:02:27,461 --> 00:02:28,701
Land line!
40
00:02:30,021 --> 00:02:32,780
Don't call it a homo phone.
41
00:02:32,781 --> 00:02:34,541
Oh, the hotel phone.
42
00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:38,861
No, of course
I haven't been a burden!
43
00:02:41,381 --> 00:02:44,701
Yes, I wish I were there, too.
Do you remember '68?
44
00:02:44,702 --> 00:02:47,180
Me and belly dancing. Ha-ha!
45
00:02:47,181 --> 00:02:48,980
Stop it, Sheikh Sexy!
46
00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:51,141
I'll have to use the safe word!
Urgh, no!
47
00:02:53,461 --> 00:02:55,580
Not under my roof, young lady!
48
00:02:55,581 --> 00:02:59,421
Never do this with a man. This
position does nothing for your chin.
49
00:03:00,941 --> 00:03:02,700
Unacceptable sentence.
50
00:03:02,701 --> 00:03:05,621
Now, is there anything else
I can get you?
51
00:03:05,622 --> 00:03:08,780
Like a killer blow to the face?
52
00:03:08,781 --> 00:03:10,660
What, who said that?
53
00:03:10,661 --> 00:03:13,219
I'll have you know I have
the right to be demanding.
54
00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:14,739
I earned that right the minute
55
00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:17,061
I pushed a ten-pound you
through my clacker.
56
00:03:20,981 --> 00:03:22,860
I can't apologise enough.
57
00:03:22,861 --> 00:03:25,581
You may think it's
been hard for you...
58
00:03:25,582 --> 00:03:27,980
Yes, hello! Oh, bell!
59
00:03:27,981 --> 00:03:30,820
"Plump this, dust-bust that.
60
00:03:30,821 --> 00:03:33,899
"Oh, could you turn the TV up
when the news is on?
61
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:36,699
"Could you turn it down
if they're left wing?
62
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:39,219
"Can you please put
the subtitles on Taggart?
63
00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:41,501
"I simply can't understand
the accents.
64
00:03:43,621 --> 00:03:47,260
"Plunge the loo before I go,
expunge the bath."
65
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:50,820
Any activities ending in
"unge" should be banned.
66
00:03:50,821 --> 00:03:53,540
I am on an unge protest.
67
00:03:53,541 --> 00:03:55,741
Although plunge is a lovely word.
68
00:03:57,141 --> 00:03:58,940
Plunge.
69
00:03:58,941 --> 00:04:01,180
Plunge.
70
00:04:01,181 --> 00:04:02,899
Well, you try living with someone
71
00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:05,181
who farts every time she
gets up from a chair...
72
00:04:06,781 --> 00:04:11,980
uses oven gloves for slippers
and wastes her life snack-fishing.
73
00:04:11,981 --> 00:04:15,740
I've seen you try it.
It is fun! Snack-fishing!
74
00:04:15,741 --> 00:04:17,061
What will I get?
75
00:04:18,621 --> 00:04:20,781
Oh, a malt loaf!
76
00:04:27,341 --> 00:04:30,141
Would you mind if I read
my magazine in peace?
77
00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:39,701
Ooh, a Bakewell!
78
00:05:16,661 --> 00:05:20,021
Stop pretending to be a geisha
in your oven glove slippers.
79
00:05:31,181 --> 00:05:33,621
Stop pretending
to be Darcey Bussell.
80
00:05:44,581 --> 00:05:46,660
Oh! I've seen something awful.
81
00:05:46,661 --> 00:05:49,261
Your face - it must
have been a terrible shock!
82
00:05:50,861 --> 00:05:52,421
Ha, nice one, Mummy!
83
00:05:53,861 --> 00:05:56,301
Oh, no, it is there,
it's a grey hair.
84
00:05:56,302 --> 00:05:57,981
It's my first grey hair.
85
00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:02,900
What are you doing?
I'm colouring it in.
86
00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,339
This is all your fault.
87
00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:06,779
You've driven me to old age.
I feel ill.
88
00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:10,019
May I remind you that I am the one
with a severe muscle spasm?
89
00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:11,659
Yes, and whose fault is that?
90
00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:15,101
Every other year, I have won
Ladies Latte Karate Pilates
91
00:06:15,102 --> 00:06:16,500
with no problem.
92
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:19,420
Oh, no, there's another one!
93
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,700
Oh, well, this is it, isn't it?
94
00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:24,220
This is the end. My youth is over.
95
00:06:24,221 --> 00:06:26,781
I'm turning in to my
what-I-call-mother.
96
00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:30,941
What a joyful day
that will be for you.
97
00:06:30,942 --> 00:06:33,740
Yes. No, I can't wait.
98
00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:36,339
I can't wait to decide
whether to go out or not
99
00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:38,339
by looking at the weather report.
100
00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:40,341
Look outside - that's the weather!
101
00:06:41,741 --> 00:06:45,981
Oh. I hoped for ten years of
following dreams, ten of going...
102
00:06:45,982 --> 00:06:49,940
tsk, "kids", and a good
20 years of cake-bakery,
103
00:06:49,941 --> 00:06:55,621
garden centres and "such fun" before
the simmering racism creeps in.
104
00:06:57,101 --> 00:07:00,339
Will you stop wallowing
like an oversized walrus?
105
00:07:00,340 --> 00:07:03,979
Walruses are already oversized.
That's my point - you're massive.
106
00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:06,741
Like you were the day
I pushed you out through my...
107
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,780
Where are my reading glasses?
On your head.
108
00:07:33,781 --> 00:07:36,780
Where, where are they?
On your head.
109
00:07:36,781 --> 00:07:39,940
Those are my driving glasses.
110
00:07:39,941 --> 00:07:41,659
Where are my reading glasses?
111
00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,979
On your head, on your head,
on your head!
112
00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:46,141
Oh, they're on my head.
On your head!
113
00:07:46,142 --> 00:07:47,860
Such fun!
114
00:07:47,861 --> 00:07:49,340
NOT fun.
115
00:07:49,341 --> 00:07:52,899
You see, this is the kind of thing.
I'm ageing with irritation.
116
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:55,981
Soon I'll be ironing napkins
and texting in capitals.
117
00:07:57,061 --> 00:08:01,259
I mean, I don't mean to be dramatic
but... I'm realising now that
118
00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:05,581
I'm entering my twilight years
and I've never even really lived.
119
00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,181
Thank you.
120
00:08:09,301 --> 00:08:13,501
All I think about now is death -
mine and the potential joy of yours.
121
00:08:13,502 --> 00:08:14,901
What, who said that?
122
00:08:17,981 --> 00:08:21,421
Do you ever think about the things
you've never done with your life?
123
00:08:21,422 --> 00:08:24,780
I mean, I've never
walked barefoot through Paris
124
00:08:24,781 --> 00:08:26,980
or showered under a waterfall.
125
00:08:26,981 --> 00:08:29,900
I've never been to a music festival.
126
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,579
I think my greatest achievement
127
00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:34,141
was when I tied massive helium
balloons to Stevie
128
00:08:34,142 --> 00:08:35,781
when she was asleep.
129
00:08:36,781 --> 00:08:38,301
She woke up on the ceiling!
130
00:08:40,101 --> 00:08:42,100
Do you have regrets, Mum?
131
00:08:42,101 --> 00:08:45,621
I should have gone on that
barge holiday with Roger Moore.
132
00:08:46,621 --> 00:08:51,181
I only had three of the four members
of the pop sensation Bucks Fizz.
133
00:08:53,341 --> 00:08:57,980
And I SHOULD have joined the
dance troupe, Pan's People.
134
00:08:57,981 --> 00:09:01,139
You? Pan's People? They said
I gave one of the most sensual
135
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,141
auditions in the group's history.
136
00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:08,621
Now, look, will you stop having an
existential crisis and smarten up?
137
00:09:08,622 --> 00:09:10,900
Dr Gale will be here any minute.
138
00:09:10,901 --> 00:09:12,460
Dr Gale's coming here?
139
00:09:12,461 --> 00:09:15,619
Yes, so make yourself look
more homely, less homeless.
140
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:18,581
You look like a model for
the Sue Ryder Foundation.
141
00:09:19,941 --> 00:09:23,099
Dr Gale has gone private.
Even more of a catch.
142
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:26,381
I'd like to remind you
that I have a boyfriend now.
143
00:09:26,382 --> 00:09:29,100
But this is Dr Gale. He is...
144
00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:31,301
Seriously hot!
145
00:09:32,821 --> 00:09:34,420
Right.
146
00:09:34,421 --> 00:09:35,941
Febrezing!
147
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,980
A bit of spray.
148
00:09:42,981 --> 00:09:45,300
Ooh! Oh, that's stingy!
149
00:09:45,301 --> 00:09:46,661
Oh, it's hairspray!
150
00:09:47,981 --> 00:09:51,141
Oh, that's given me
a little joie de vivre.
151
00:09:53,141 --> 00:09:54,621
No! Sorry.
152
00:10:02,141 --> 00:10:04,420
Hello, Dr Foxy!
153
00:10:04,421 --> 00:10:05,661
Come in.
154
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,701
Sorry I'm late. Terrible traffic
because of this music festival.
155
00:10:13,061 --> 00:10:15,459
Sorry, Doctor,
I hope it doesn't smell in here.
156
00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:18,419
We've been a bit cooped up
so it might smell of breath or...
157
00:10:18,420 --> 00:10:19,781
Let's leave it at breath.
158
00:10:20,861 --> 00:10:22,701
I'll crack open a window, shall I?
159
00:10:22,702 --> 00:10:26,220
Ooh, crack! Cheeky. Crack.
160
00:10:26,221 --> 00:10:27,661
Plunge.
161
00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:30,941
Plunge my crack. No!
162
00:10:32,941 --> 00:10:36,060
So, how are we? Oh, hello, Doctor.
163
00:10:36,061 --> 00:10:39,139
As I said on the phone, I think
you'll benefit from an injection.
164
00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:41,341
If you can just manage
to get on your front...
165
00:10:41,342 --> 00:10:42,701
Absolutely, yes.
166
00:10:48,141 --> 00:10:49,701
I meant the patient.
167
00:10:52,141 --> 00:10:55,181
Sorry, Doctor. So silly of me!
168
00:11:02,141 --> 00:11:04,261
The injection will
be in your bottom.
169
00:11:05,741 --> 00:11:08,741
Very good. And that should have you
up and moving about very soon.
170
00:11:08,742 --> 00:11:10,580
Well, hello!
171
00:11:10,581 --> 00:11:12,020
Hello!
172
00:11:12,021 --> 00:11:13,421
Ladies.
173
00:11:16,621 --> 00:11:21,700
So, what are you a
doctor of... gorgeousity?
174
00:11:21,701 --> 00:11:24,659
Do get in touch if it's not
eased off by the morning.
175
00:11:24,660 --> 00:11:27,221
Certainly will, ha-ha!
Oh, sorry, snorted.
176
00:11:35,021 --> 00:11:36,980
What is wrong with us?
177
00:11:36,981 --> 00:11:38,901
Stop it!
178
00:11:40,261 --> 00:11:41,860
Now, how's the patient?
179
00:11:41,861 --> 00:11:45,899
Well, I... Penny, c'est fini.
I have an announcementington.
180
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:48,501
I have decided,
X Factor-style pause-ios...
181
00:11:50,421 --> 00:11:51,741
Bear with.
182
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:56,340
To become a life coach!
183
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,821
Help us all!
184
00:11:59,821 --> 00:12:03,301
I mean, isn't that just pour moi?
Totes perfectulant?
185
00:12:03,302 --> 00:12:05,821
No, that is just marvelo-drome.
186
00:12:07,421 --> 00:12:10,340
I could life-coach you, Queen Kong.
187
00:12:10,341 --> 00:12:12,781
- I don't need a life coach.
- Yes, you do.
188
00:12:12,782 --> 00:12:14,700
Yes, you do.
189
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:16,739
- Well, I can't afford it.
- We'll pay.
190
00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:19,021
I have savings.
I'll lend you the money.
191
00:12:19,022 --> 00:12:20,420
I'll sell a kidney.
192
00:12:20,421 --> 00:12:23,339
I'm not up to this abuse.
I'm really not feeling very well.
193
00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:25,659
My headache's now been
going on for five days.
194
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:29,179
That could be something serious,
actually. I'm going to Google it.
195
00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:30,621
Oh, she's such a hypo.
196
00:12:30,622 --> 00:12:32,900
Hey, Penny! How are you feeling?
197
00:12:32,901 --> 00:12:34,980
Well, I've been flat on my...
198
00:12:34,981 --> 00:12:37,461
I've got cerebral venous thrombosis!
199
00:12:38,701 --> 00:12:40,179
I'm not going to hospital.
200
00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:43,021
I mean, if things aren't bad enough,
they make you wear a gown
201
00:12:43,022 --> 00:12:45,380
with a what-I-call-arse-gap.
202
00:12:45,381 --> 00:12:48,061
Gown, gown, gown, no gown there!
203
00:12:49,981 --> 00:12:51,661
Dr Gale's blood-pressure cuff!
204
00:12:51,662 --> 00:12:53,460
Gary, you can do this.
205
00:12:53,461 --> 00:12:55,619
May I just remind you
I'm the patient here?
206
00:12:55,620 --> 00:12:57,381
I've just had a prick in my bottom.
207
00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:02,181
Right, I'm just going to pump it up.
You may feel a swelling.
208
00:13:04,181 --> 00:13:08,340
Oh, no! Is that the band tightening
or my arm inflating?
209
00:13:08,341 --> 00:13:10,139
OK, I'm really freaking out now.
210
00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:14,421
Let's have a nice cup of tea,
take your mind off it. Good idea.
211
00:13:15,581 --> 00:13:17,540
Knock, knock. Who's there?
212
00:13:17,541 --> 00:13:19,221
Dr Who!
213
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:24,021
Very good. Er, I-I stupidly
left my blood pressure cuff.
214
00:13:36,301 --> 00:13:37,460
Thank you.
215
00:13:37,461 --> 00:13:40,859
Actually, whilst you're here, could
you reassure me, would you mind?
216
00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:43,221
It's just that I think
I've got, um, thrombosis.
217
00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:46,261
♪ I might die in your arms tonight
218
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,981
♪ It must have been
something you said
219
00:13:49,982 --> 00:13:52,540
♪ I just died in your arms tonight
220
00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:54,020
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪
221
00:13:54,021 --> 00:13:56,979
Why don't you come and see me
at the surgery in the morning?
222
00:13:56,980 --> 00:13:58,219
I may not last the night.
223
00:13:58,220 --> 00:14:01,379
This has got the beginning
of Casualty all over it.
Is this the end?
224
00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:04,381
I'll give you half an hour.
Half an hour to live?
225
00:14:04,382 --> 00:14:05,820
I knew I was ill!
226
00:14:05,821 --> 00:14:08,459
Someone take me to Disneyland,
there's no time.
227
00:14:08,460 --> 00:14:10,901
Have sex with me, Doctor.
No, no, no, no.
228
00:14:12,061 --> 00:14:15,341
I mean, I'll give you a half an hour
appointment in the morning.
229
00:14:16,741 --> 00:14:18,941
I thought you meant to live!
230
00:14:20,061 --> 00:14:22,461
I am happy to maintain
the offer of the sex.
231
00:14:26,701 --> 00:14:29,021
Now look what you've done,
I was in there!
232
00:14:32,061 --> 00:14:33,940
Girls! Girls!
233
00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:37,140
GIRLS!
You're really scaring me.
234
00:14:37,141 --> 00:14:39,140
Sorry.
235
00:14:39,141 --> 00:14:40,660
Stop it!
236
00:14:40,661 --> 00:14:43,259
What am I doing?
I'm the one with the boyfriend.
237
00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:45,739
I'm going to ring Mike,
tell him to come back.
238
00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:48,659
We'll start living our lives
to the full, yeah.
239
00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:51,099
Because I don't mean
to be dramatic...
240
00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:52,739
That near-death experience
241
00:14:52,740 --> 00:14:56,301
has made me realise I've got to
start living free from regrets!
242
00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,700
Thank you.
243
00:14:59,701 --> 00:15:02,979
Seriously, I've got to start doing
all the things I've never done.
244
00:15:02,980 --> 00:15:06,221
I'm going to... I'm going to play
at Wembley with the Spice Girls.
245
00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:07,460
Oh, be realistic.
246
00:15:07,461 --> 00:15:11,940
Nyurgh, ugh, ugh-ugh! OK,
I'll dance under the stars...
247
00:15:11,941 --> 00:15:14,461
Got it! I'm going to go to
that music festival.
248
00:15:14,462 --> 00:15:17,460
What, you, going
to... Beatz on the Green?
249
00:15:17,461 --> 00:15:19,461
I'm going to make a change. Ooh!
250
00:15:19,462 --> 00:15:23,260
♪ I'm looking for the man
but woman in the mirror
251
00:15:23,261 --> 00:15:27,260
♪ I'm asking him/her
to change his/her ways
252
00:15:27,261 --> 00:15:29,219
♪ If you wanna make the
world a better place
253
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,061
♪ Take a look at yourself
Ow! ♪
254
00:15:33,061 --> 00:15:34,740
Oh!
255
00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:35,981
Rude.
256
00:15:40,301 --> 00:15:44,180
Oh, I feel dreadful.
Sweaty and achy.
257
00:15:44,181 --> 00:15:46,500
I knew I was ill.
258
00:15:46,501 --> 00:15:50,540
This is meant to be the first
day of the rest of my life.
259
00:15:50,541 --> 00:15:53,420
I had a horrid night.
260
00:15:53,421 --> 00:15:56,899
I opened a window at one point
and then, half an hour later,
261
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,541
there was a cat on my head.
262
00:15:59,941 --> 00:16:01,341
Fright of my life.
263
00:16:02,501 --> 00:16:04,059
I rang the doctor's surgery,
264
00:16:04,060 --> 00:16:06,699
they said, "Stay away if
you've got suspected flu."
265
00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:11,741
I said, "You're the ones spreading
germs with your touch screen
appointment systems."
266
00:16:11,742 --> 00:16:12,941
Touche.
267
00:16:14,221 --> 00:16:16,141
Oh, look how limp-y I am.
268
00:16:17,341 --> 00:16:20,500
Oh, I'm so limp-y, like a limpet,
269
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,541
like Limpet Opek.
270
00:16:25,621 --> 00:16:28,821
Darling, darling, do you
remember the name of the...?
271
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,581
Marjorie, that's it!
272
00:16:32,621 --> 00:16:34,020
Look at Mummy!
273
00:16:34,021 --> 00:16:36,419
A night in her own bed
and her swagger's back.
274
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:37,701
Mum, help, I'm ill.
275
00:16:37,702 --> 00:16:40,580
What is it this time,
bubonic plague?
276
00:16:40,581 --> 00:16:43,339
I left my glasses.
Here they are. Must dash.
277
00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:45,739
I've had a life-coaching
session from Tilly.
278
00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:47,499
You made me think about regrets,
279
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:50,701
so Tilly is teaching me
to maximise my Penny alive-time.
280
00:16:50,702 --> 00:16:52,980
Thrilly bots! Mum!
281
00:16:52,981 --> 00:16:54,580
Mum, wait.
282
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,821
Oh, chickening out of going
to a music festival, are we?
283
00:16:57,822 --> 00:16:59,100
Not well, am I.
284
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,579
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't have time for this.
285
00:17:01,580 --> 00:17:05,019
Some of us like to look at a picture
of Heather Small in the morning,
286
00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:06,341
and hear her sing...
287
00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:09,980
♪ What have you done today
to make you feel proud? ♪
288
00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:12,021
All best wishes, kind regards.
289
00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:15,900
Stevie, wai... Oh!
290
00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:18,061
I could do a little weepy.
291
00:17:19,341 --> 00:17:21,981
Where's my Midsomer Murders DVD?
292
00:17:26,461 --> 00:17:29,620
Why are DVDs always so hard to open?
293
00:17:29,621 --> 00:17:30,861
So annoying!
294
00:17:32,941 --> 00:17:35,461
I'm too limp to do
the puncture with pen.
295
00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:39,061
Where are the doobries? Oh, no.
296
00:17:40,741 --> 00:17:42,580
Well, if you're not going,
297
00:17:42,581 --> 00:17:46,781
you can get up and help me with
the new stock. Look - funny pig!
298
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,901
Funny little bunny.
299
00:17:52,181 --> 00:17:53,781
And a funny little dog!
300
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,741
Why are you not finding these funny?
301
00:17:57,742 --> 00:18:00,341
Because I'm ill. Oh, nonsense!
302
00:18:02,701 --> 00:18:04,461
I'll get your usual breakfast -
303
00:18:04,462 --> 00:18:08,420
eggs, beans, muffins, bacon,
sausage, bread, fried bread,
304
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:11,261
er, toast, pancakes
and a side of lasagne?
305
00:18:11,262 --> 00:18:12,460
No.
306
00:18:12,461 --> 00:18:14,620
No?! You are ill, aren't you?
307
00:18:14,621 --> 00:18:16,700
Let me... Oh!
308
00:18:16,701 --> 00:18:19,699
Have you got a little
wet wipe, just for the germs?
309
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:22,219
Oh, I'm sorry,
we've got to get you better
310
00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:24,139
so you can start your new life.
311
00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:27,339
I know. I had to ring Mike and say
I was ill so not to come back.
312
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,581
Oh, Stevie, I want to be romanced!
313
00:18:29,582 --> 00:18:31,100
Oh, the breath!
314
00:18:31,101 --> 00:18:33,779
But no-one's going to
romance you looking like that.
315
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,541
I'm not being rude but you
look like a fat, sweaty friar.
316
00:18:37,781 --> 00:18:41,141
Saying I'm not being rude before
that does not make it not rude.
317
00:18:41,142 --> 00:18:43,140
Have you been romanced?
318
00:18:43,141 --> 00:18:45,140
Hello! Hot fox!
319
00:18:45,141 --> 00:18:48,899
I mean, romance is easier for me,
for I am blessed with the allure.
320
00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:51,859
With the allure, yes.
You don't have monopoly on allure.
321
00:18:51,860 --> 00:18:55,101
Oh, I do, because I am captain
of the Allure Society.
322
00:18:55,102 --> 00:18:56,500
Allure Society?
323
00:18:56,501 --> 00:19:00,339
Yes, those ordained with the allure
meet and I take the minutes.
324
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,499
I see you've never been invited.
Because it's imaginary.
325
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,339
Right, we'll get you sorted.
326
00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:08,779
I would give you a hug but you're
literally riddled with bacteria
327
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,819
and I'm not being rude,
but you stink.
328
00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:14,061
Well, I'm not being rude
but you're a rancid Barbie!
329
00:19:15,261 --> 00:19:17,539
Oh, I know what will soothe -
I'll sing for you.
330
00:19:17,540 --> 00:19:19,021
Oh, no, that's fine really.
331
00:19:19,022 --> 00:19:21,580
♪ And now the end is near
332
00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:24,780
♪ And so I face
the final curtain... ♪
333
00:19:24,781 --> 00:19:27,540
That's inappropriate.
Of all songs!
334
00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:28,900
Or what about...?
335
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:34,020
♪ Edelweiss, you look
happy to greet me... ♪
336
00:19:34,021 --> 00:19:36,899
It's like a vocal hug, isn't it?
No, it's really not.
337
00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:39,661
♪ Edelweiss, edelweiss... ♪
Can you maybe just go?
338
00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:42,700
Just go and sing it to
Heather in the shop.
339
00:19:42,701 --> 00:19:45,661
Yeah, it's better
sort of further away.
340
00:19:46,741 --> 00:19:48,979
Don't be silly, Stevie,
she's being a hypo.
341
00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:50,781
Come on, Queen Hypo-Congria,
342
00:19:52,261 --> 00:19:55,060
Carpe diem - seize the carp!
343
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:58,139
Oh, for goodness sake!
Urgh, you look disgusting!
344
00:19:58,140 --> 00:20:01,221
Like, truly horrendo!
Like a drunk Princess Anne.
345
00:20:03,541 --> 00:20:04,980
You ARE ill!
346
00:20:04,981 --> 00:20:07,820
OK, life coaching.
347
00:20:07,821 --> 00:20:10,179
So... No, I just need to sleep.
No, shush!
348
00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:13,979
Apparently it's all about a build-up
of negativos emocionios, OK?
349
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,579
So we need to emotionally
and physically declutter.
350
00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:19,699
I've got a high temperature, I...
Wheelie bin that negativos, OK?
351
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,579
We start emotionally. We could
go with the obvious stufferoo -
352
00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:25,019
that you're a child
trapped in the body of a woman,
353
00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:28,299
trapped in the body of a man,
trapped in the body of
a bigger woman,
354
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:29,739
trapped in the body of a Kong!
355
00:20:29,740 --> 00:20:32,581
No, seriously,
there's loads of you in there!
356
00:20:34,061 --> 00:20:35,821
This isn't really helping.
357
00:20:35,822 --> 00:20:37,940
Oh, no, hush your Kong face!
358
00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:40,139
I'm so fired up
by this life coaching.
359
00:20:40,140 --> 00:20:41,901
It's right up my bridle path.
360
00:20:46,421 --> 00:20:47,660
Now what?
361
00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:51,219
Oh, I'm not here. I'm just
going to sterilise all surfaces.
362
00:20:51,220 --> 00:20:52,739
Just pretend I'm not here.
363
00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:54,861
I think she'd rather
jog it off, Stevie.
364
00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:56,340
Jog it off?!
365
00:20:56,341 --> 00:20:58,420
Jog it off?!
366
00:20:58,421 --> 00:21:02,021
I think, once the flat is sterile,
you'll be able to relax.
367
00:21:02,022 --> 00:21:03,820
There's germs everywhere!
368
00:21:03,821 --> 00:21:06,301
I'm going to tap
your temperature away.
369
00:21:06,302 --> 00:21:08,780
How is this helping? How? How?
370
00:21:08,781 --> 00:21:11,621
Now, I got you a sponge,
cos my granny used to say
371
00:21:11,622 --> 00:21:15,140
you put a hot sponge in
your mouth for fevers.
372
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:18,539
Now, Stevie, do you not think
you might benefit a little from
373
00:21:18,540 --> 00:21:19,859
le coaching of le life?
374
00:21:19,860 --> 00:21:23,499
Gary's had a sessione. I'm just
sensing a cleanliness issue.
375
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:25,981
Of all the people who
don't need life coaching,
376
00:21:25,982 --> 00:21:29,180
I am she, all best wishes,
kind regards.
377
00:21:29,181 --> 00:21:33,141
Just text me if you need more Tilly
inspiration. More... tinspiration!
378
00:21:36,821 --> 00:21:38,661
♪ I could have danced all night
379
00:21:38,662 --> 00:21:41,420
♪ Da-da da, da-da da!
380
00:21:41,421 --> 00:21:44,740
♪ And still have begged for more
381
00:21:44,741 --> 00:21:46,341
♪ Seven! ♪
382
00:21:48,301 --> 00:21:49,901
Now, come here.
383
00:21:53,061 --> 00:21:54,540
Oh, this is nice.
384
00:21:54,541 --> 00:21:57,260
Mm. Oh, thanks for the flowers.
385
00:21:57,261 --> 00:21:59,261
Oh, actually, they're not for you.
386
00:22:00,541 --> 00:22:02,461
THEY'RE for Jacinta.
387
00:22:03,661 --> 00:22:05,700
Jacinta? Jacinta, yeah.
388
00:22:05,701 --> 00:22:07,980
Jacinta? Jacinta.
389
00:22:07,981 --> 00:22:09,739
Who's Jacinta?
I met her last night.
390
00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:12,819
Oh. Yeah, I've been feeling a
bit down since Rose and I split up,
391
00:22:12,820 --> 00:22:15,779
and, I don't know, I just took
on board what you said yesterday
392
00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:17,339
and went out and did something.
393
00:22:17,340 --> 00:22:20,981
I went to a ballroom dance class and
have been up all night with Jacinta.
394
00:22:20,982 --> 00:22:22,261
Jacinta.
395
00:22:23,301 --> 00:22:25,699
Well, isn't that
stick your face in a blender
396
00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:28,381
and punch yourself in
the stomach marvellous?
397
00:22:29,941 --> 00:22:32,221
Now, listen you - get better, OK?
398
00:22:34,541 --> 00:22:37,579
And, er, ooh,
I'll just leave these here for you.
399
00:22:37,580 --> 00:22:39,661
Oh, I don't want chilli chicken!
400
00:22:39,662 --> 00:22:41,660
Well, hello. Kerchung!
401
00:22:41,661 --> 00:22:42,980
Penny.
402
00:22:42,981 --> 00:22:46,181
If I'm not dreaming now,
can you just knock me out?
403
00:22:46,182 --> 00:22:50,500
Tilly's encouraged me to
purge my Pan's People regret
404
00:22:50,501 --> 00:22:54,781
by auditioning for the
Shepperton Amateur Dramatics
production of Chicago.
405
00:22:54,782 --> 00:22:58,341
I am ripe for Velma.
Five, six, seven, eight!
406
00:23:04,501 --> 00:23:06,579
No-one should have to see this.
407
00:23:06,580 --> 00:23:09,101
By the way, Tilly
says your negativity
408
00:23:09,102 --> 00:23:11,460
is a drain on my dance skills.
409
00:23:11,461 --> 00:23:14,340
Also, am I really controlling?
410
00:23:14,341 --> 00:23:16,140
Am I a neat freak?
411
00:23:16,141 --> 00:23:18,659
And am I bossy?
Tilly says I'm bossy.
412
00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:21,659
And pushy. Am I pushy? Am I pushy?
Miranda, am I pushy?
413
00:23:21,660 --> 00:23:23,819
Miranda, am I a childish
commitment-phobe?
414
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:27,979
According to Tilly, searching for
romance is like a detour from
reality or something.
415
00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:30,059
Apparently, I shouldn't
be a life coach.
416
00:23:30,060 --> 00:23:32,341
That's ridiculous.
This is my life's work.
417
00:23:32,342 --> 00:23:36,500
I trained for this for a
whole weekend... in Shropshire.
418
00:23:36,501 --> 00:23:38,340
I went to Shropshire.
419
00:23:38,341 --> 00:23:40,819
I still don't know where
that is and I went there.
420
00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:44,501
I just think your life
should be pretty ship-shape
if you want to be a life coach.
421
00:23:50,381 --> 00:23:51,979
Will you please shut up!
422
00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:55,139
If you haven't noticed, I'm not
very well actually, thank you,
423
00:23:55,140 --> 00:23:57,019
please, to you, thank you very much.
424
00:23:57,020 --> 00:23:59,779
I'm spending the first day
of the rest of my life in bed,
425
00:23:59,780 --> 00:24:01,659
calling remote controls "doobries",
426
00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:05,541
and, instead of helping, you're
shouting and wearing leotards,
427
00:24:05,542 --> 00:24:06,941
and I hate you all.
428
00:24:08,501 --> 00:24:11,821
Darling, do you want to come home
with me? Please say no.
429
00:24:15,141 --> 00:24:18,301
Well, I don't want to jinx it,
but I feel better.
430
00:24:18,302 --> 00:24:20,300
I THINK I'm OK.
431
00:24:20,301 --> 00:24:23,501
"Sorry we were so awful.
Here if you need us. Love the gang."
432
00:24:23,502 --> 00:24:26,460
Aw!
They were really sweet last night.
433
00:24:26,461 --> 00:24:28,499
Gary made me a broth,
which is just soup,
434
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:31,619
but it's called broth
if you're ill for some reason,
435
00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:35,339
and Stevie sang me a song of my
choosing which was instrumental,
436
00:24:35,340 --> 00:24:36,701
so that went well, yeah.
437
00:24:38,141 --> 00:24:41,499
I bought you some croissants
and eggs done three ways,
438
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:43,381
so you have a choice and some tea.
439
00:24:45,301 --> 00:24:48,461
I didn't know whether
you'd feel like anything.
440
00:24:48,462 --> 00:24:51,060
Yeah, I'm still quite poorly.
441
00:24:51,061 --> 00:24:52,101
Oh. Erm...
442
00:24:53,341 --> 00:24:56,019
Would you like anything
from Stevie's tray?
443
00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:58,821
Well, as long as
that's not a euphemism...
444
00:25:00,381 --> 00:25:02,941
I think I'll have
a croissant and...
445
00:25:04,621 --> 00:25:06,060
some eggs.
446
00:25:06,061 --> 00:25:08,181
Which eggs would you...?
All of them.
447
00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:12,459
And Gary was asking if you
might feel like any meals later.
448
00:25:12,460 --> 00:25:16,021
Um, what would probably really help
would be a curry with extra...
449
00:25:16,022 --> 00:25:18,700
poppadoms.
450
00:25:18,701 --> 00:25:21,101
Leaving you in peace.
451
00:25:25,781 --> 00:25:29,899
Well, I could go to the festival,
but I think a bigger life regret
452
00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:32,541
would be not sponging off
all my friends.
453
00:25:34,301 --> 00:25:36,699
And a music festival?
I mean - terrifying.
454
00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:39,459
If nothing else, what would
the facilities be like?
455
00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:42,141
Oh, no, I'm going purse-lipped
at the thought. No.
456
00:25:47,581 --> 00:25:50,940
I've had the best day of
my life - ill but well.
457
00:25:50,941 --> 00:25:52,659
And I asked Gary for a trifle
458
00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:55,579
after the curry to ease
my throat - brilliant!
459
00:25:55,580 --> 00:25:58,541
And then I said I needed
some me time. So...
460
00:25:58,542 --> 00:26:01,700
Will you please welcome,
live at Wembley...?
461
00:26:01,701 --> 00:26:03,061
Miranda!
462
00:26:06,861 --> 00:26:10,860
I'd like to thank Michael Buble
for being my warm-up,
463
00:26:10,861 --> 00:26:14,661
and will you now please welcome to
the stage some very good friends -
464
00:26:14,662 --> 00:26:16,261
the Spice Girls?
465
00:26:18,421 --> 00:26:19,861
Life size.
466
00:26:27,901 --> 00:26:30,221
And segue in to slow song.
467
00:26:40,661 --> 00:26:43,661
♪ Wanna make love to you, baby...
468
00:26:47,181 --> 00:26:49,861
♪ Wanna make love to you, baby... ♪
469
00:26:56,941 --> 00:26:58,900
You've been fine all day?
470
00:26:58,901 --> 00:27:02,301
We thought you had a brain tumour
and called Dr Gale.
471
00:27:02,302 --> 00:27:04,100
I risked coming back here.
472
00:27:04,101 --> 00:27:06,421
Risked? I'm not mad, am I, Sporty?
473
00:27:07,861 --> 00:27:09,979
- She says no.
- So sorry, Doctor.
474
00:27:09,980 --> 00:27:13,259
Can I take you out to make up for it?
Oh, there's no need.
475
00:27:13,260 --> 00:27:15,061
I think he'd rather go out with moi!
476
00:27:16,421 --> 00:27:18,299
You'd rather go out
with me if anyone.
477
00:27:18,300 --> 00:27:20,981
If you had to choose one of us,
then who would you...?
478
00:27:20,982 --> 00:27:22,941
Ooh! Doctor Gale!
479
00:27:24,341 --> 00:27:25,740
For goodness sake!
480
00:27:25,741 --> 00:27:28,819
Why can't anyone not go all
Carry On Doctor with me?
481
00:27:28,820 --> 00:27:30,941
Well, it's just cos you're so hot.
482
00:27:36,221 --> 00:27:37,700
Gary!
483
00:27:37,701 --> 00:27:39,141
Stop it!
484
00:27:40,341 --> 00:27:43,061
Now, listen you,
we had a surprise for you -
485
00:27:43,062 --> 00:27:44,860
a festival in your flat.
486
00:27:44,861 --> 00:27:46,819
Yes, with a burger van
and everything.
487
00:27:46,820 --> 00:27:49,219
And a karaoke machine.
That sounds brilliant!
488
00:27:49,220 --> 00:27:52,179
Well, tough teats! If you
want to go to a music festival,
489
00:27:52,180 --> 00:27:55,141
you are going to have to go
to an actual music festival.
490
00:27:55,142 --> 00:27:58,580
No regrets, remember?
Or are you too scared?
491
00:27:58,581 --> 00:27:59,780
Hmm?
492
00:27:59,781 --> 00:28:04,061
No, I'm not scared.
I'm... already drunk on da Beatz.
493
00:28:09,941 --> 00:28:11,901
This is the best festival ever!
494
00:28:14,821 --> 00:28:16,341
Oh, are you not very well?
495
00:28:17,861 --> 00:28:21,220
♪ Oh, je ne regrette rien! ♪
496
00:28:21,221 --> 00:28:24,421
Oh, it's like a vocal hug,
isn't it, Stevie?
497
00:28:50,141 --> 00:28:54,891
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net
38859
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.