All language subtitles for Miranda S03E04 Je Regret Nothing 720p WEB-DL H265 BONE-eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,158 Well, hello to you and thank you for welcoming me into your room. 2 00:00:04,239 --> 00:00:07,785 I don't mean this image of me on your screen, I mean, look behind you - I've crept in! 3 00:00:07,786 --> 00:00:09,987 Not really. At least one of you looked. 4 00:00:12,421 --> 00:00:16,541 The reason I'm cowering - I've had the worst week of my life. 5 00:00:16,542 --> 00:00:18,020 Mum's been staying. 6 00:00:18,021 --> 00:00:21,741 Not just that - she's been trapped inside with a bad back 7 00:00:21,742 --> 00:00:23,421 for five very long days. 8 00:00:25,101 --> 00:00:28,619 I even had to take her to the loo. I'll never recover. 9 00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:31,701 There should be a law against mothers wearing thongs. 10 00:00:34,261 --> 00:00:36,779 Mike accepted a training course to get away. 11 00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:39,181 I am at the plotting-her-death stage. 12 00:00:40,901 --> 00:00:42,741 Oh, yes, and she's got a bell. 13 00:00:44,141 --> 00:00:45,781 Once more unto the breach... 14 00:00:46,243 --> 00:00:56,379 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 15 00:00:56,461 --> 00:00:58,219 And when I say fresh towel, 16 00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:01,341 I don't mean Febrezed and flapped outside of the window. 17 00:01:07,261 --> 00:01:08,979 And have you got my magazines yet? 18 00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:10,859 And have you changed that bin liner? 19 00:01:10,860 --> 00:01:12,261 I'm doing, I'm doing it! 20 00:01:14,901 --> 00:01:17,141 Oh, sorry about that. 21 00:01:19,421 --> 00:01:20,660 Yes, dear? 22 00:01:20,661 --> 00:01:23,941 Could you pass me the doobries? Don't call them doobries. 23 00:01:23,942 --> 00:01:25,900 The remote control doobries. 24 00:01:25,901 --> 00:01:28,060 It's just remote control. 25 00:01:28,061 --> 00:01:30,661 You don't need to put doobries at the end. 26 00:01:37,381 --> 00:01:39,100 What is it with mothers? 27 00:01:39,101 --> 00:01:41,979 You give birth, you instantly don't understand 28 00:01:41,980 --> 00:01:44,339 anything technical any more. Ridiculous. 29 00:01:44,340 --> 00:01:48,019 But you suddenly have a spare drawer of greeting cards, don't you? 30 00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,421 Yes, and you walk in to a room to ask a question 31 00:01:50,422 --> 00:01:53,100 and then you just answer it yourself. 32 00:01:53,101 --> 00:01:54,541 I'm just here! 33 00:01:55,781 --> 00:01:58,181 I'd like my sheets changed before I eat. 34 00:02:09,541 --> 00:02:11,060 What's that? 35 00:02:11,061 --> 00:02:13,701 It's your mobile. Every time! 36 00:02:19,261 --> 00:02:20,821 Hello? 37 00:02:22,621 --> 00:02:24,100 Hello? 38 00:02:24,101 --> 00:02:27,460 Hello, darling. Are you on the homo phone? 39 00:02:27,461 --> 00:02:28,701 Land line! 40 00:02:30,021 --> 00:02:32,780 Don't call it a homo phone. 41 00:02:32,781 --> 00:02:34,541 Oh, the hotel phone. 42 00:02:35,781 --> 00:02:38,861 No, of course I haven't been a burden! 43 00:02:41,381 --> 00:02:44,701 Yes, I wish I were there, too. Do you remember '68? 44 00:02:44,702 --> 00:02:47,180 Me and belly dancing. Ha-ha! 45 00:02:47,181 --> 00:02:48,980 Stop it, Sheikh Sexy! 46 00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:51,141 I'll have to use the safe word! Urgh, no! 47 00:02:53,461 --> 00:02:55,580 Not under my roof, young lady! 48 00:02:55,581 --> 00:02:59,421 Never do this with a man. This position does nothing for your chin. 49 00:03:00,941 --> 00:03:02,700 Unacceptable sentence. 50 00:03:02,701 --> 00:03:05,621 Now, is there anything else I can get you? 51 00:03:05,622 --> 00:03:08,780 Like a killer blow to the face? 52 00:03:08,781 --> 00:03:10,660 What, who said that? 53 00:03:10,661 --> 00:03:13,219 I'll have you know I have the right to be demanding. 54 00:03:13,220 --> 00:03:14,739 I earned that right the minute 55 00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:17,061 I pushed a ten-pound you through my clacker. 56 00:03:20,981 --> 00:03:22,860 I can't apologise enough. 57 00:03:22,861 --> 00:03:25,581 You may think it's been hard for you... 58 00:03:25,582 --> 00:03:27,980 Yes, hello! Oh, bell! 59 00:03:27,981 --> 00:03:30,820 "Plump this, dust-bust that. 60 00:03:30,821 --> 00:03:33,899 "Oh, could you turn the TV up when the news is on? 61 00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:36,699 "Could you turn it down if they're left wing? 62 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:39,219 "Can you please put the subtitles on Taggart? 63 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:41,501 "I simply can't understand the accents. 64 00:03:43,621 --> 00:03:47,260 "Plunge the loo before I go, expunge the bath." 65 00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:50,820 Any activities ending in "unge" should be banned. 66 00:03:50,821 --> 00:03:53,540 I am on an unge protest. 67 00:03:53,541 --> 00:03:55,741 Although plunge is a lovely word. 68 00:03:57,141 --> 00:03:58,940 Plunge. 69 00:03:58,941 --> 00:04:01,180 Plunge. 70 00:04:01,181 --> 00:04:02,899 Well, you try living with someone 71 00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:05,181 who farts every time she gets up from a chair... 72 00:04:06,781 --> 00:04:11,980 uses oven gloves for slippers and wastes her life snack-fishing. 73 00:04:11,981 --> 00:04:15,740 I've seen you try it. It is fun! Snack-fishing! 74 00:04:15,741 --> 00:04:17,061 What will I get? 75 00:04:18,621 --> 00:04:20,781 Oh, a malt loaf! 76 00:04:27,341 --> 00:04:30,141 Would you mind if I read my magazine in peace? 77 00:04:37,421 --> 00:04:39,701 Ooh, a Bakewell! 78 00:05:16,661 --> 00:05:20,021 Stop pretending to be a geisha in your oven glove slippers. 79 00:05:31,181 --> 00:05:33,621 Stop pretending to be Darcey Bussell. 80 00:05:44,581 --> 00:05:46,660 Oh! I've seen something awful. 81 00:05:46,661 --> 00:05:49,261 Your face - it must have been a terrible shock! 82 00:05:50,861 --> 00:05:52,421 Ha, nice one, Mummy! 83 00:05:53,861 --> 00:05:56,301 Oh, no, it is there, it's a grey hair. 84 00:05:56,302 --> 00:05:57,981 It's my first grey hair. 85 00:05:59,701 --> 00:06:02,900 What are you doing? I'm colouring it in. 86 00:06:02,901 --> 00:06:04,339 This is all your fault. 87 00:06:04,340 --> 00:06:06,779 You've driven me to old age. I feel ill. 88 00:06:06,780 --> 00:06:10,019 May I remind you that I am the one with a severe muscle spasm? 89 00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:11,659 Yes, and whose fault is that? 90 00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:15,101 Every other year, I have won Ladies Latte Karate Pilates 91 00:06:15,102 --> 00:06:16,500 with no problem. 92 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:19,420 Oh, no, there's another one! 93 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,700 Oh, well, this is it, isn't it? 94 00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:24,220 This is the end. My youth is over. 95 00:06:24,221 --> 00:06:26,781 I'm turning in to my what-I-call-mother. 96 00:06:28,501 --> 00:06:30,941 What a joyful day that will be for you. 97 00:06:30,942 --> 00:06:33,740 Yes. No, I can't wait. 98 00:06:33,741 --> 00:06:36,339 I can't wait to decide whether to go out or not 99 00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:38,339 by looking at the weather report. 100 00:06:38,340 --> 00:06:40,341 Look outside - that's the weather! 101 00:06:41,741 --> 00:06:45,981 Oh. I hoped for ten years of following dreams, ten of going... 102 00:06:45,982 --> 00:06:49,940 tsk, "kids", and a good 20 years of cake-bakery, 103 00:06:49,941 --> 00:06:55,621 garden centres and "such fun" before the simmering racism creeps in. 104 00:06:57,101 --> 00:07:00,339 Will you stop wallowing like an oversized walrus? 105 00:07:00,340 --> 00:07:03,979 Walruses are already oversized. That's my point - you're massive. 106 00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:06,741 Like you were the day I pushed you out through my... 107 00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:33,780 Where are my reading glasses? On your head. 108 00:07:33,781 --> 00:07:36,780 Where, where are they? On your head. 109 00:07:36,781 --> 00:07:39,940 Those are my driving glasses. 110 00:07:39,941 --> 00:07:41,659 Where are my reading glasses? 111 00:07:41,660 --> 00:07:43,979 On your head, on your head, on your head! 112 00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:46,141 Oh, they're on my head. On your head! 113 00:07:46,142 --> 00:07:47,860 Such fun! 114 00:07:47,861 --> 00:07:49,340 NOT fun. 115 00:07:49,341 --> 00:07:52,899 You see, this is the kind of thing. I'm ageing with irritation. 116 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:55,981 Soon I'll be ironing napkins and texting in capitals. 117 00:07:57,061 --> 00:08:01,259 I mean, I don't mean to be dramatic but... I'm realising now that 118 00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:05,581 I'm entering my twilight years and I've never even really lived. 119 00:08:06,821 --> 00:08:08,181 Thank you. 120 00:08:09,301 --> 00:08:13,501 All I think about now is death - mine and the potential joy of yours. 121 00:08:13,502 --> 00:08:14,901 What, who said that? 122 00:08:17,981 --> 00:08:21,421 Do you ever think about the things you've never done with your life? 123 00:08:21,422 --> 00:08:24,780 I mean, I've never walked barefoot through Paris 124 00:08:24,781 --> 00:08:26,980 or showered under a waterfall. 125 00:08:26,981 --> 00:08:29,900 I've never been to a music festival. 126 00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,579 I think my greatest achievement 127 00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:34,141 was when I tied massive helium balloons to Stevie 128 00:08:34,142 --> 00:08:35,781 when she was asleep. 129 00:08:36,781 --> 00:08:38,301 She woke up on the ceiling! 130 00:08:40,101 --> 00:08:42,100 Do you have regrets, Mum? 131 00:08:42,101 --> 00:08:45,621 I should have gone on that barge holiday with Roger Moore. 132 00:08:46,621 --> 00:08:51,181 I only had three of the four members of the pop sensation Bucks Fizz. 133 00:08:53,341 --> 00:08:57,980 And I SHOULD have joined the dance troupe, Pan's People. 134 00:08:57,981 --> 00:09:01,139 You? Pan's People? They said I gave one of the most sensual 135 00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:03,141 auditions in the group's history. 136 00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:08,621 Now, look, will you stop having an existential crisis and smarten up? 137 00:09:08,622 --> 00:09:10,900 Dr Gale will be here any minute. 138 00:09:10,901 --> 00:09:12,460 Dr Gale's coming here? 139 00:09:12,461 --> 00:09:15,619 Yes, so make yourself look more homely, less homeless. 140 00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:18,581 You look like a model for the Sue Ryder Foundation. 141 00:09:19,941 --> 00:09:23,099 Dr Gale has gone private. Even more of a catch. 142 00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:26,381 I'd like to remind you that I have a boyfriend now. 143 00:09:26,382 --> 00:09:29,100 But this is Dr Gale. He is... 144 00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:31,301 Seriously hot! 145 00:09:32,821 --> 00:09:34,420 Right. 146 00:09:34,421 --> 00:09:35,941 Febrezing! 147 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,980 A bit of spray. 148 00:09:42,981 --> 00:09:45,300 Ooh! Oh, that's stingy! 149 00:09:45,301 --> 00:09:46,661 Oh, it's hairspray! 150 00:09:47,981 --> 00:09:51,141 Oh, that's given me a little joie de vivre. 151 00:09:53,141 --> 00:09:54,621 No! Sorry. 152 00:10:02,141 --> 00:10:04,420 Hello, Dr Foxy! 153 00:10:04,421 --> 00:10:05,661 Come in. 154 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,701 Sorry I'm late. Terrible traffic because of this music festival. 155 00:10:13,061 --> 00:10:15,459 Sorry, Doctor, I hope it doesn't smell in here. 156 00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:18,419 We've been a bit cooped up so it might smell of breath or... 157 00:10:18,420 --> 00:10:19,781 Let's leave it at breath. 158 00:10:20,861 --> 00:10:22,701 I'll crack open a window, shall I? 159 00:10:22,702 --> 00:10:26,220 Ooh, crack! Cheeky. Crack. 160 00:10:26,221 --> 00:10:27,661 Plunge. 161 00:10:29,461 --> 00:10:30,941 Plunge my crack. No! 162 00:10:32,941 --> 00:10:36,060 So, how are we? Oh, hello, Doctor. 163 00:10:36,061 --> 00:10:39,139 As I said on the phone, I think you'll benefit from an injection. 164 00:10:39,140 --> 00:10:41,341 If you can just manage to get on your front... 165 00:10:41,342 --> 00:10:42,701 Absolutely, yes. 166 00:10:48,141 --> 00:10:49,701 I meant the patient. 167 00:10:52,141 --> 00:10:55,181 Sorry, Doctor. So silly of me! 168 00:11:02,141 --> 00:11:04,261 The injection will be in your bottom. 169 00:11:05,741 --> 00:11:08,741 Very good. And that should have you up and moving about very soon. 170 00:11:08,742 --> 00:11:10,580 Well, hello! 171 00:11:10,581 --> 00:11:12,020 Hello! 172 00:11:12,021 --> 00:11:13,421 Ladies. 173 00:11:16,621 --> 00:11:21,700 So, what are you a doctor of... gorgeousity? 174 00:11:21,701 --> 00:11:24,659 Do get in touch if it's not eased off by the morning. 175 00:11:24,660 --> 00:11:27,221 Certainly will, ha-ha! Oh, sorry, snorted. 176 00:11:35,021 --> 00:11:36,980 What is wrong with us? 177 00:11:36,981 --> 00:11:38,901 Stop it! 178 00:11:40,261 --> 00:11:41,860 Now, how's the patient? 179 00:11:41,861 --> 00:11:45,899 Well, I... Penny, c'est fini. I have an announcementington. 180 00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:48,501 I have decided, X Factor-style pause-ios... 181 00:11:50,421 --> 00:11:51,741 Bear with. 182 00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:56,340 To become a life coach! 183 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,821 Help us all! 184 00:11:59,821 --> 00:12:03,301 I mean, isn't that just pour moi? Totes perfectulant? 185 00:12:03,302 --> 00:12:05,821 No, that is just marvelo-drome. 186 00:12:07,421 --> 00:12:10,340 I could life-coach you, Queen Kong. 187 00:12:10,341 --> 00:12:12,781 - I don't need a life coach. - Yes, you do. 188 00:12:12,782 --> 00:12:14,700 Yes, you do. 189 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:16,739 - Well, I can't afford it. - We'll pay. 190 00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:19,021 I have savings. I'll lend you the money. 191 00:12:19,022 --> 00:12:20,420 I'll sell a kidney. 192 00:12:20,421 --> 00:12:23,339 I'm not up to this abuse. I'm really not feeling very well. 193 00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:25,659 My headache's now been going on for five days. 194 00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:29,179 That could be something serious, actually. I'm going to Google it. 195 00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:30,621 Oh, she's such a hypo. 196 00:12:30,622 --> 00:12:32,900 Hey, Penny! How are you feeling? 197 00:12:32,901 --> 00:12:34,980 Well, I've been flat on my... 198 00:12:34,981 --> 00:12:37,461 I've got cerebral venous thrombosis! 199 00:12:38,701 --> 00:12:40,179 I'm not going to hospital. 200 00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:43,021 I mean, if things aren't bad enough, they make you wear a gown 201 00:12:43,022 --> 00:12:45,380 with a what-I-call-arse-gap. 202 00:12:45,381 --> 00:12:48,061 Gown, gown, gown, no gown there! 203 00:12:49,981 --> 00:12:51,661 Dr Gale's blood-pressure cuff! 204 00:12:51,662 --> 00:12:53,460 Gary, you can do this. 205 00:12:53,461 --> 00:12:55,619 May I just remind you I'm the patient here? 206 00:12:55,620 --> 00:12:57,381 I've just had a prick in my bottom. 207 00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:02,181 Right, I'm just going to pump it up. You may feel a swelling. 208 00:13:04,181 --> 00:13:08,340 Oh, no! Is that the band tightening or my arm inflating? 209 00:13:08,341 --> 00:13:10,139 OK, I'm really freaking out now. 210 00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:14,421 Let's have a nice cup of tea, take your mind off it. Good idea. 211 00:13:15,581 --> 00:13:17,540 Knock, knock. Who's there? 212 00:13:17,541 --> 00:13:19,221 Dr Who! 213 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:24,021 Very good. Er, I-I stupidly left my blood pressure cuff. 214 00:13:36,301 --> 00:13:37,460 Thank you. 215 00:13:37,461 --> 00:13:40,859 Actually, whilst you're here, could you reassure me, would you mind? 216 00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:43,221 It's just that I think I've got, um, thrombosis. 217 00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:46,261 ♪ I might die in your arms tonight 218 00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,981 ♪ It must have been something you said 219 00:13:49,982 --> 00:13:52,540 ♪ I just died in your arms tonight 220 00:13:52,541 --> 00:13:54,020 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪ 221 00:13:54,021 --> 00:13:56,979 Why don't you come and see me at the surgery in the morning? 222 00:13:56,980 --> 00:13:58,219 I may not last the night. 223 00:13:58,220 --> 00:14:01,379 This has got the beginning of Casualty all over it. Is this the end? 224 00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:04,381 I'll give you half an hour. Half an hour to live? 225 00:14:04,382 --> 00:14:05,820 I knew I was ill! 226 00:14:05,821 --> 00:14:08,459 Someone take me to Disneyland, there's no time. 227 00:14:08,460 --> 00:14:10,901 Have sex with me, Doctor. No, no, no, no. 228 00:14:12,061 --> 00:14:15,341 I mean, I'll give you a half an hour appointment in the morning. 229 00:14:16,741 --> 00:14:18,941 I thought you meant to live! 230 00:14:20,061 --> 00:14:22,461 I am happy to maintain the offer of the sex. 231 00:14:26,701 --> 00:14:29,021 Now look what you've done, I was in there! 232 00:14:32,061 --> 00:14:33,940 Girls! Girls! 233 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:37,140 GIRLS! You're really scaring me. 234 00:14:37,141 --> 00:14:39,140 Sorry. 235 00:14:39,141 --> 00:14:40,660 Stop it! 236 00:14:40,661 --> 00:14:43,259 What am I doing? I'm the one with the boyfriend. 237 00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:45,739 I'm going to ring Mike, tell him to come back. 238 00:14:45,740 --> 00:14:48,659 We'll start living our lives to the full, yeah. 239 00:14:48,660 --> 00:14:51,099 Because I don't mean to be dramatic... 240 00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:52,739 That near-death experience 241 00:14:52,740 --> 00:14:56,301 has made me realise I've got to start living free from regrets! 242 00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,700 Thank you. 243 00:14:59,701 --> 00:15:02,979 Seriously, I've got to start doing all the things I've never done. 244 00:15:02,980 --> 00:15:06,221 I'm going to... I'm going to play at Wembley with the Spice Girls. 245 00:15:06,222 --> 00:15:07,460 Oh, be realistic. 246 00:15:07,461 --> 00:15:11,940 Nyurgh, ugh, ugh-ugh! OK, I'll dance under the stars... 247 00:15:11,941 --> 00:15:14,461 Got it! I'm going to go to that music festival. 248 00:15:14,462 --> 00:15:17,460 What, you, going to... Beatz on the Green? 249 00:15:17,461 --> 00:15:19,461 I'm going to make a change. Ooh! 250 00:15:19,462 --> 00:15:23,260 ♪ I'm looking for the man but woman in the mirror 251 00:15:23,261 --> 00:15:27,260 ♪ I'm asking him/her to change his/her ways 252 00:15:27,261 --> 00:15:29,219 ♪ If you wanna make the world a better place 253 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,061 ♪ Take a look at yourself Ow! ♪ 254 00:15:33,061 --> 00:15:34,740 Oh! 255 00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:35,981 Rude. 256 00:15:40,301 --> 00:15:44,180 Oh, I feel dreadful. Sweaty and achy. 257 00:15:44,181 --> 00:15:46,500 I knew I was ill. 258 00:15:46,501 --> 00:15:50,540 This is meant to be the first day of the rest of my life. 259 00:15:50,541 --> 00:15:53,420 I had a horrid night. 260 00:15:53,421 --> 00:15:56,899 I opened a window at one point and then, half an hour later, 261 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,541 there was a cat on my head. 262 00:15:59,941 --> 00:16:01,341 Fright of my life. 263 00:16:02,501 --> 00:16:04,059 I rang the doctor's surgery, 264 00:16:04,060 --> 00:16:06,699 they said, "Stay away if you've got suspected flu." 265 00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:11,741 I said, "You're the ones spreading germs with your touch screen appointment systems." 266 00:16:11,742 --> 00:16:12,941 Touche. 267 00:16:14,221 --> 00:16:16,141 Oh, look how limp-y I am. 268 00:16:17,341 --> 00:16:20,500 Oh, I'm so limp-y, like a limpet, 269 00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,541 like Limpet Opek. 270 00:16:25,621 --> 00:16:28,821 Darling, darling, do you remember the name of the...? 271 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,581 Marjorie, that's it! 272 00:16:32,621 --> 00:16:34,020 Look at Mummy! 273 00:16:34,021 --> 00:16:36,419 A night in her own bed and her swagger's back. 274 00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:37,701 Mum, help, I'm ill. 275 00:16:37,702 --> 00:16:40,580 What is it this time, bubonic plague? 276 00:16:40,581 --> 00:16:43,339 I left my glasses. Here they are. Must dash. 277 00:16:43,340 --> 00:16:45,739 I've had a life-coaching session from Tilly. 278 00:16:45,740 --> 00:16:47,499 You made me think about regrets, 279 00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:50,701 so Tilly is teaching me to maximise my Penny alive-time. 280 00:16:50,702 --> 00:16:52,980 Thrilly bots! Mum! 281 00:16:52,981 --> 00:16:54,580 Mum, wait. 282 00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,821 Oh, chickening out of going to a music festival, are we? 283 00:16:57,822 --> 00:16:59,100 Not well, am I. 284 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,579 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have time for this. 285 00:17:01,580 --> 00:17:05,019 Some of us like to look at a picture of Heather Small in the morning, 286 00:17:05,020 --> 00:17:06,341 and hear her sing... 287 00:17:06,342 --> 00:17:09,980 ♪ What have you done today to make you feel proud? ♪ 288 00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:12,021 All best wishes, kind regards. 289 00:17:13,701 --> 00:17:15,900 Stevie, wai... Oh! 290 00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:18,061 I could do a little weepy. 291 00:17:19,341 --> 00:17:21,981 Where's my Midsomer Murders DVD? 292 00:17:26,461 --> 00:17:29,620 Why are DVDs always so hard to open? 293 00:17:29,621 --> 00:17:30,861 So annoying! 294 00:17:32,941 --> 00:17:35,461 I'm too limp to do the puncture with pen. 295 00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:39,061 Where are the doobries? Oh, no. 296 00:17:40,741 --> 00:17:42,580 Well, if you're not going, 297 00:17:42,581 --> 00:17:46,781 you can get up and help me with the new stock. Look - funny pig! 298 00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,901 Funny little bunny. 299 00:17:52,181 --> 00:17:53,781 And a funny little dog! 300 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,741 Why are you not finding these funny? 301 00:17:57,742 --> 00:18:00,341 Because I'm ill. Oh, nonsense! 302 00:18:02,701 --> 00:18:04,461 I'll get your usual breakfast - 303 00:18:04,462 --> 00:18:08,420 eggs, beans, muffins, bacon, sausage, bread, fried bread, 304 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:11,261 er, toast, pancakes and a side of lasagne? 305 00:18:11,262 --> 00:18:12,460 No. 306 00:18:12,461 --> 00:18:14,620 No?! You are ill, aren't you? 307 00:18:14,621 --> 00:18:16,700 Let me... Oh! 308 00:18:16,701 --> 00:18:19,699 Have you got a little wet wipe, just for the germs? 309 00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:22,219 Oh, I'm sorry, we've got to get you better 310 00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:24,139 so you can start your new life. 311 00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:27,339 I know. I had to ring Mike and say I was ill so not to come back. 312 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,581 Oh, Stevie, I want to be romanced! 313 00:18:29,582 --> 00:18:31,100 Oh, the breath! 314 00:18:31,101 --> 00:18:33,779 But no-one's going to romance you looking like that. 315 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,541 I'm not being rude but you look like a fat, sweaty friar. 316 00:18:37,781 --> 00:18:41,141 Saying I'm not being rude before that does not make it not rude. 317 00:18:41,142 --> 00:18:43,140 Have you been romanced? 318 00:18:43,141 --> 00:18:45,140 Hello! Hot fox! 319 00:18:45,141 --> 00:18:48,899 I mean, romance is easier for me, for I am blessed with the allure. 320 00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:51,859 With the allure, yes. You don't have monopoly on allure. 321 00:18:51,860 --> 00:18:55,101 Oh, I do, because I am captain of the Allure Society. 322 00:18:55,102 --> 00:18:56,500 Allure Society? 323 00:18:56,501 --> 00:19:00,339 Yes, those ordained with the allure meet and I take the minutes. 324 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,499 I see you've never been invited. Because it's imaginary. 325 00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,339 Right, we'll get you sorted. 326 00:19:05,340 --> 00:19:08,779 I would give you a hug but you're literally riddled with bacteria 327 00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,819 and I'm not being rude, but you stink. 328 00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:14,061 Well, I'm not being rude but you're a rancid Barbie! 329 00:19:15,261 --> 00:19:17,539 Oh, I know what will soothe - I'll sing for you. 330 00:19:17,540 --> 00:19:19,021 Oh, no, that's fine really. 331 00:19:19,022 --> 00:19:21,580 ♪ And now the end is near 332 00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:24,780 ♪ And so I face the final curtain... ♪ 333 00:19:24,781 --> 00:19:27,540 That's inappropriate. Of all songs! 334 00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:28,900 Or what about...? 335 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:34,020 ♪ Edelweiss, you look happy to greet me... ♪ 336 00:19:34,021 --> 00:19:36,899 It's like a vocal hug, isn't it? No, it's really not. 337 00:19:36,900 --> 00:19:39,661 ♪ Edelweiss, edelweiss... ♪ Can you maybe just go? 338 00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:42,700 Just go and sing it to Heather in the shop. 339 00:19:42,701 --> 00:19:45,661 Yeah, it's better sort of further away. 340 00:19:46,741 --> 00:19:48,979 Don't be silly, Stevie, she's being a hypo. 341 00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:50,781 Come on, Queen Hypo-Congria, 342 00:19:52,261 --> 00:19:55,060 Carpe diem - seize the carp! 343 00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:58,139 Oh, for goodness sake! Urgh, you look disgusting! 344 00:19:58,140 --> 00:20:01,221 Like, truly horrendo! Like a drunk Princess Anne. 345 00:20:03,541 --> 00:20:04,980 You ARE ill! 346 00:20:04,981 --> 00:20:07,820 OK, life coaching. 347 00:20:07,821 --> 00:20:10,179 So... No, I just need to sleep. No, shush! 348 00:20:10,180 --> 00:20:13,979 Apparently it's all about a build-up of negativos emocionios, OK? 349 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,579 So we need to emotionally and physically declutter. 350 00:20:16,580 --> 00:20:19,699 I've got a high temperature, I... Wheelie bin that negativos, OK? 351 00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,579 We start emotionally. We could go with the obvious stufferoo - 352 00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:25,019 that you're a child trapped in the body of a woman, 353 00:20:25,020 --> 00:20:28,299 trapped in the body of a man, trapped in the body of a bigger woman, 354 00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:29,739 trapped in the body of a Kong! 355 00:20:29,740 --> 00:20:32,581 No, seriously, there's loads of you in there! 356 00:20:34,061 --> 00:20:35,821 This isn't really helping. 357 00:20:35,822 --> 00:20:37,940 Oh, no, hush your Kong face! 358 00:20:37,941 --> 00:20:40,139 I'm so fired up by this life coaching. 359 00:20:40,140 --> 00:20:41,901 It's right up my bridle path. 360 00:20:46,421 --> 00:20:47,660 Now what? 361 00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:51,219 Oh, I'm not here. I'm just going to sterilise all surfaces. 362 00:20:51,220 --> 00:20:52,739 Just pretend I'm not here. 363 00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:54,861 I think she'd rather jog it off, Stevie. 364 00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:56,340 Jog it off?! 365 00:20:56,341 --> 00:20:58,420 Jog it off?! 366 00:20:58,421 --> 00:21:02,021 I think, once the flat is sterile, you'll be able to relax. 367 00:21:02,022 --> 00:21:03,820 There's germs everywhere! 368 00:21:03,821 --> 00:21:06,301 I'm going to tap your temperature away. 369 00:21:06,302 --> 00:21:08,780 How is this helping? How? How? 370 00:21:08,781 --> 00:21:11,621 Now, I got you a sponge, cos my granny used to say 371 00:21:11,622 --> 00:21:15,140 you put a hot sponge in your mouth for fevers. 372 00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:18,539 Now, Stevie, do you not think you might benefit a little from 373 00:21:18,540 --> 00:21:19,859 le coaching of le life? 374 00:21:19,860 --> 00:21:23,499 Gary's had a sessione. I'm just sensing a cleanliness issue. 375 00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:25,981 Of all the people who don't need life coaching, 376 00:21:25,982 --> 00:21:29,180 I am she, all best wishes, kind regards. 377 00:21:29,181 --> 00:21:33,141 Just text me if you need more Tilly inspiration. More... tinspiration! 378 00:21:36,821 --> 00:21:38,661 ♪ I could have danced all night 379 00:21:38,662 --> 00:21:41,420 ♪ Da-da da, da-da da! 380 00:21:41,421 --> 00:21:44,740 ♪ And still have begged for more 381 00:21:44,741 --> 00:21:46,341 ♪ Seven! ♪ 382 00:21:48,301 --> 00:21:49,901 Now, come here. 383 00:21:53,061 --> 00:21:54,540 Oh, this is nice. 384 00:21:54,541 --> 00:21:57,260 Mm. Oh, thanks for the flowers. 385 00:21:57,261 --> 00:21:59,261 Oh, actually, they're not for you. 386 00:22:00,541 --> 00:22:02,461 THEY'RE for Jacinta. 387 00:22:03,661 --> 00:22:05,700 Jacinta? Jacinta, yeah. 388 00:22:05,701 --> 00:22:07,980 Jacinta? Jacinta. 389 00:22:07,981 --> 00:22:09,739 Who's Jacinta? I met her last night. 390 00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:12,819 Oh. Yeah, I've been feeling a bit down since Rose and I split up, 391 00:22:12,820 --> 00:22:15,779 and, I don't know, I just took on board what you said yesterday 392 00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:17,339 and went out and did something. 393 00:22:17,340 --> 00:22:20,981 I went to a ballroom dance class and have been up all night with Jacinta. 394 00:22:20,982 --> 00:22:22,261 Jacinta. 395 00:22:23,301 --> 00:22:25,699 Well, isn't that stick your face in a blender 396 00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:28,381 and punch yourself in the stomach marvellous? 397 00:22:29,941 --> 00:22:32,221 Now, listen you - get better, OK? 398 00:22:34,541 --> 00:22:37,579 And, er, ooh, I'll just leave these here for you. 399 00:22:37,580 --> 00:22:39,661 Oh, I don't want chilli chicken! 400 00:22:39,662 --> 00:22:41,660 Well, hello. Kerchung! 401 00:22:41,661 --> 00:22:42,980 Penny. 402 00:22:42,981 --> 00:22:46,181 If I'm not dreaming now, can you just knock me out? 403 00:22:46,182 --> 00:22:50,500 Tilly's encouraged me to purge my Pan's People regret 404 00:22:50,501 --> 00:22:54,781 by auditioning for the Shepperton Amateur Dramatics production of Chicago. 405 00:22:54,782 --> 00:22:58,341 I am ripe for Velma. Five, six, seven, eight! 406 00:23:04,501 --> 00:23:06,579 No-one should have to see this. 407 00:23:06,580 --> 00:23:09,101 By the way, Tilly says your negativity 408 00:23:09,102 --> 00:23:11,460 is a drain on my dance skills. 409 00:23:11,461 --> 00:23:14,340 Also, am I really controlling? 410 00:23:14,341 --> 00:23:16,140 Am I a neat freak? 411 00:23:16,141 --> 00:23:18,659 And am I bossy? Tilly says I'm bossy. 412 00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:21,659 And pushy. Am I pushy? Am I pushy? Miranda, am I pushy? 413 00:23:21,660 --> 00:23:23,819 Miranda, am I a childish commitment-phobe? 414 00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:27,979 According to Tilly, searching for romance is like a detour from reality or something. 415 00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:30,059 Apparently, I shouldn't be a life coach. 416 00:23:30,060 --> 00:23:32,341 That's ridiculous. This is my life's work. 417 00:23:32,342 --> 00:23:36,500 I trained for this for a whole weekend... in Shropshire. 418 00:23:36,501 --> 00:23:38,340 I went to Shropshire. 419 00:23:38,341 --> 00:23:40,819 I still don't know where that is and I went there. 420 00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:44,501 I just think your life should be pretty ship-shape if you want to be a life coach. 421 00:23:50,381 --> 00:23:51,979 Will you please shut up! 422 00:23:51,980 --> 00:23:55,139 If you haven't noticed, I'm not very well actually, thank you, 423 00:23:55,140 --> 00:23:57,019 please, to you, thank you very much. 424 00:23:57,020 --> 00:23:59,779 I'm spending the first day of the rest of my life in bed, 425 00:23:59,780 --> 00:24:01,659 calling remote controls "doobries", 426 00:24:01,660 --> 00:24:05,541 and, instead of helping, you're shouting and wearing leotards, 427 00:24:05,542 --> 00:24:06,941 and I hate you all. 428 00:24:08,501 --> 00:24:11,821 Darling, do you want to come home with me? Please say no. 429 00:24:15,141 --> 00:24:18,301 Well, I don't want to jinx it, but I feel better. 430 00:24:18,302 --> 00:24:20,300 I THINK I'm OK. 431 00:24:20,301 --> 00:24:23,501 "Sorry we were so awful. Here if you need us. Love the gang." 432 00:24:23,502 --> 00:24:26,460 Aw! They were really sweet last night. 433 00:24:26,461 --> 00:24:28,499 Gary made me a broth, which is just soup, 434 00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:31,619 but it's called broth if you're ill for some reason, 435 00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:35,339 and Stevie sang me a song of my choosing which was instrumental, 436 00:24:35,340 --> 00:24:36,701 so that went well, yeah. 437 00:24:38,141 --> 00:24:41,499 I bought you some croissants and eggs done three ways, 438 00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:43,381 so you have a choice and some tea. 439 00:24:45,301 --> 00:24:48,461 I didn't know whether you'd feel like anything. 440 00:24:48,462 --> 00:24:51,060 Yeah, I'm still quite poorly. 441 00:24:51,061 --> 00:24:52,101 Oh. Erm... 442 00:24:53,341 --> 00:24:56,019 Would you like anything from Stevie's tray? 443 00:24:56,020 --> 00:24:58,821 Well, as long as that's not a euphemism... 444 00:25:00,381 --> 00:25:02,941 I think I'll have a croissant and... 445 00:25:04,621 --> 00:25:06,060 some eggs. 446 00:25:06,061 --> 00:25:08,181 Which eggs would you...? All of them. 447 00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:12,459 And Gary was asking if you might feel like any meals later. 448 00:25:12,460 --> 00:25:16,021 Um, what would probably really help would be a curry with extra... 449 00:25:16,022 --> 00:25:18,700 poppadoms. 450 00:25:18,701 --> 00:25:21,101 Leaving you in peace. 451 00:25:25,781 --> 00:25:29,899 Well, I could go to the festival, but I think a bigger life regret 452 00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:32,541 would be not sponging off all my friends. 453 00:25:34,301 --> 00:25:36,699 And a music festival? I mean - terrifying. 454 00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:39,459 If nothing else, what would the facilities be like? 455 00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:42,141 Oh, no, I'm going purse-lipped at the thought. No. 456 00:25:47,581 --> 00:25:50,940 I've had the best day of my life - ill but well. 457 00:25:50,941 --> 00:25:52,659 And I asked Gary for a trifle 458 00:25:52,660 --> 00:25:55,579 after the curry to ease my throat - brilliant! 459 00:25:55,580 --> 00:25:58,541 And then I said I needed some me time. So... 460 00:25:58,542 --> 00:26:01,700 Will you please welcome, live at Wembley...? 461 00:26:01,701 --> 00:26:03,061 Miranda! 462 00:26:06,861 --> 00:26:10,860 I'd like to thank Michael Buble for being my warm-up, 463 00:26:10,861 --> 00:26:14,661 and will you now please welcome to the stage some very good friends - 464 00:26:14,662 --> 00:26:16,261 the Spice Girls? 465 00:26:18,421 --> 00:26:19,861 Life size. 466 00:26:27,901 --> 00:26:30,221 And segue in to slow song. 467 00:26:40,661 --> 00:26:43,661 ♪ Wanna make love to you, baby... 468 00:26:47,181 --> 00:26:49,861 ♪ Wanna make love to you, baby... ♪ 469 00:26:56,941 --> 00:26:58,900 You've been fine all day? 470 00:26:58,901 --> 00:27:02,301 We thought you had a brain tumour and called Dr Gale. 471 00:27:02,302 --> 00:27:04,100 I risked coming back here. 472 00:27:04,101 --> 00:27:06,421 Risked? I'm not mad, am I, Sporty? 473 00:27:07,861 --> 00:27:09,979 - She says no. - So sorry, Doctor. 474 00:27:09,980 --> 00:27:13,259 Can I take you out to make up for it? Oh, there's no need. 475 00:27:13,260 --> 00:27:15,061 I think he'd rather go out with moi! 476 00:27:16,421 --> 00:27:18,299 You'd rather go out with me if anyone. 477 00:27:18,300 --> 00:27:20,981 If you had to choose one of us, then who would you...? 478 00:27:20,982 --> 00:27:22,941 Ooh! Doctor Gale! 479 00:27:24,341 --> 00:27:25,740 For goodness sake! 480 00:27:25,741 --> 00:27:28,819 Why can't anyone not go all Carry On Doctor with me? 481 00:27:28,820 --> 00:27:30,941 Well, it's just cos you're so hot. 482 00:27:36,221 --> 00:27:37,700 Gary! 483 00:27:37,701 --> 00:27:39,141 Stop it! 484 00:27:40,341 --> 00:27:43,061 Now, listen you, we had a surprise for you - 485 00:27:43,062 --> 00:27:44,860 a festival in your flat. 486 00:27:44,861 --> 00:27:46,819 Yes, with a burger van and everything. 487 00:27:46,820 --> 00:27:49,219 And a karaoke machine. That sounds brilliant! 488 00:27:49,220 --> 00:27:52,179 Well, tough teats! If you want to go to a music festival, 489 00:27:52,180 --> 00:27:55,141 you are going to have to go to an actual music festival. 490 00:27:55,142 --> 00:27:58,580 No regrets, remember? Or are you too scared? 491 00:27:58,581 --> 00:27:59,780 Hmm? 492 00:27:59,781 --> 00:28:04,061 No, I'm not scared. I'm... already drunk on da Beatz. 493 00:28:09,941 --> 00:28:11,901 This is the best festival ever! 494 00:28:14,821 --> 00:28:16,341 Oh, are you not very well? 495 00:28:17,861 --> 00:28:21,220 ♪ Oh, je ne regrette rien! ♪ 496 00:28:21,221 --> 00:28:24,421 Oh, it's like a vocal hug, isn't it, Stevie? 497 00:28:50,141 --> 00:28:54,891 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 38859

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