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Well, bonjour to vous!
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That's the sort of sophisticated patter
3
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you'll get from a woman who's still got a boyfriend!
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AUDIENCE WHOOPS
5
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Though elegance in the world of romance eludes me.
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Oh, wow, look. A robin, lovely.
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But I'm proving myself a good lady-woman for Mike.
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Pssst...
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Well, I don't want to lose him. He's great.
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But Operation Maintain Dignity
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means a suppressed silliness bursts out at inappropriate moments.
12
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Now close your eyes.
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Breathe...
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in...
15
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and out.
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Relaxed.
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Peaceful and calm.
18
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And open your...
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SHE SCREAMS
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WOMEN SCREAM
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But generally, I'm sophisticated girlfriend personified.
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I know this because, A - I now own a pashmina.
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And B - I've stopped giggling when people say "sausage."
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Can you sign these?
25
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Oh, look at this place!
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Do you know, one night without Mike and the real you explodes.
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Well, I'm not ready for him to know that I make fruit friends.
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And new Vegetapals.
29
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Meet Mr Butternut.
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Oh, hello to you!
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I don't want that to put him off.
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And what are you wearing?
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I happen to be sporting an elasticated culotte.
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Because you're a PE teacher from 1987?
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Cos I've got nothing else left to wear. Washing machine's broken.
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Do you want a round of swing muffin?
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Of course.
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Good luck!
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- Ooh!
- Ooh!
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- Hello?
- Oh! It's Mike!
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Oh...
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Glee box set!
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Hide it!
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- Modern Art!
- That's nice.
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- Oh!
- Fruit friends!
- Fruit friends!
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My taxi was going past and I just, er...
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AUDIENCE WHOOPS
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Oh, I've missed you! Oh!
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Well, I've... I've missed you too.
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I just came to get a glimpse, really, I...
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I'll come down. Pass my pashmina.
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No.
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It's my chic look!
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What...?
55
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What's that?
56
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That is Stevie's.
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Yeah, it's mine. Well, it's my friend's.
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I'm looking after it while she's away, she didn't want to...
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leave him in a kennel.
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Ooh!
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- MIRANDA CHUCKLES
- Do you want to play a game?
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I'm working.
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Oh, come on. We could play "What cereal am I?"
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Or "Can we fit Stevie in a pillowcase?"
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Oh...
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Sorry.
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Ooh!
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My pants have gone, er...northwards.
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Ooh! Specifically, north-north-east.
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Sorry.
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Sorry.
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Oh, this is a public space!
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Sorry, but I washed these last pair of pants in the dishwasher,
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and it sort of melted them.
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It was resourceful!
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Ooh, dear, no...
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SHE LAUGHS
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It's getting really uncomfortable now, actually.
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I'm going to have to take my pants off.
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Oh!
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Sorry, sir, I didn't see you and immediately think,
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"I must take my pants off."
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I'm not being lewd.
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Do excuse me.
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Excuse me.
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Ooh!
87
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No, I'm not sure about this going-commando business.
88
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- Ooh, no, that feels wrong.
- I'm so sorry.
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I'm a culotte incident away from moonery. Careful!
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How you think you're fit for the adult world of relationships
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is beyond me.
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For that statement, I find myself begging your pardon.
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You're pretending to be someone you're not when you're with Mike,
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then one night without him, you're a child again,
95
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and the notion of not wearing pants is hilarious.
96
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Just popping your maturity on the end of my flagpole.
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You're just jealous, Miss Singletypops!
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I'm a functioning adult in a mature relationship.
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Darling...
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I've got your bed sheets.
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I ironed the Knight Rider duvet
102
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because David Hasselhoff was looking peculiar.
103
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All Penny does is sort out your life.
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Excuse me, Little Miss Oompa Loompa.
105
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I have a very busy life.
106
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I'm having work done on my kitchen. There are lunches, rotas...
107
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This week I'm on the rota rota for Rotary.
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I only did these because Miranda has to find a new plumber.
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It's just down 'ere, guvnor, mate, me friend, awright?
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D'you want a brew? 'Jestive?
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OK, love, let's just quickly seal this crack, shall we?
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Right, I'm to have a mature, adult day about town,
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fully commando.
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Actually, I'm beginning to enjoy the freedom now.
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Oh, it's fabulous!
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I've been pantless since...
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Don't say that.
118
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I skinny-dipped with Christopher Plummer-ed-me-thrice.
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Such fun!
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I'll never recover.
121
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- Ooh!
- MIRANDA GIGGLES
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Ooh, that's breezy!
123
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How do you negotiate the frozen food aisles?
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Serious woman.
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MIRANDA GIGGLES
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I'm not wearing any pants. Enjoy your meatballs.
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- Hi, Gary. Hi, Rose.
- Hey.
128
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Where did you put the muslins, Papa Bear?
129
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- What's going on?
- Well, I was meant to be babysitting for Chris and Alison,
130
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- but I've got this urgent loan application I've got to fill out.
- Tell her.
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He's buying the restaurant!
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Wow, that's so exciting, Gary!
133
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- Thank you.
- Congrats, babe.
134
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Thanks, darling.
135
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See you later.
136
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You're sure you can't help us, Gary?
137
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Well, hello? Babysitter.
138
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Ah, well, hello? Responsibility.
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Hello, rude.
140
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We're... We're having a little bosom leakage.
141
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Ooh, still breastfeeding.
142
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Well, nothing beats mother's latte.
143
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So, good news...
144
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Miranda's offered to baby-sit.
145
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Oh!
146
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Well...
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We're desperate.
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Er... It's only a couple of hours. It's a hospital appointment.
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She's got to have a scrape.
150
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Ooh, right, OK.
151
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Now, that's the kind of word you should mouth, all right?
152
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- MOUTHS:
- "Scrape."
153
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- We want to try for another.
- MIGHT try for another.
154
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- Only I can speak for my vagina.
- Why?!
155
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Why?
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# Why...Delilah...
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# Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-waah...#
158
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You're going to have fun with Auntie Miranda.
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We've booked a music session at the soft play centre.
160
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So, nappies, wipes, spare wipes, er... Mr Boo Boo.
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HE LAUGHS
162
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Now, come on, dumpling!
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Thank you. You're a lifesaver.
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Ooh!
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- Nearly snogged there.
- Yes.
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Right, OK.
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Sophisticated lady coming through.
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Ooh! Madam!
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We're going to have fun, aren't we, little...
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Perhaps my pashmina's got stuck in...
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I think that it's stuck...
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ALL: # E-i-e-i-o...
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# It's nearly time to finish up
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# So on to the final round
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# She sings everything!
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# It's totally brilliant!
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# And on that farm he had a... #
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My turn? Er...
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Dolphin.
180
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Out of the box.
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With a...
182
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Chhhhh...
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- here, and a...
- SHE CLICKS
- ..there...
184
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- Here a...
- SHE WAILS
185
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..there a Chhhhh...
186
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- everywhere a...
- SHE CLICKS
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SHE SUCKS IN AIR
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Chhhhh...Chhhhh...
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# Right, I think we'll end it there! #
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Move up, move up!
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Oh!
192
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Ohh, me back's gone.
193
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Oh, all right, OK! Kids backing up.
194
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Oh, you stink!
195
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# Somebody looks a bit stuck. #
196
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This is the only way down.
197
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But my back. I can't and I'm scared.
198
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I'm sorry, I just...
199
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Ooh!
200
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Ooh, my God!
201
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Oh, my back!
202
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Oh!
203
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Yes, yes, I...
204
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,960
Yes, I think we ought to be able to ease that.
205
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,800
So, if you'd like to get down to your bra...
206
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:04,800
Bra and vest and pants, and then, um...
207
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I'll pop back in a moment.
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SHE HUMS STRIPTEASE TUNE
209
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,080
- SHE GASPS
- No pants!
210
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,680
Yes, 20 mg of Voltarol should do the trick.
211
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,960
And tell her that I'll speak to her when I've seen my patient.
212
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Ohh, my!
213
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Oh! Oh, right!
214
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You do need the paper on the couch.
215
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,720
I presumed it was there for origami.
216
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Hence the origami pants-slash-nappy.
217
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,720
Has anyone ever done you a swan, or..?
218
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,120
No, you're the first patient who's done origami.
219
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:56,080
Well, it's a happy day for us both, then, isn't it?
220
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:01,440
So if you'd like to lie face-up on the couch, please?
221
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,680
- As the osteo said to the patient.
- SHE GIGGLES
222
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:06,800
No? OK.
223
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:12,680
Ooh!
224
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,280
Hello!
225
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,400
Intimate, isn't it?
226
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,880
We'll have to become engaged after this, sir.
227
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Wig!
228
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,000
Wig!
229
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,040
- And perhaps you'd like to lie on your side, please?
- Yes.
230
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:39,080
Thank you.
231
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:42,840
Oooh!
232
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,000
Did we just consummate our engagement?
233
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,960
So, just one final stretch, OK?
234
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SHE FARTS LOUDLY
235
00:10:58,240 --> 00:10:59,920
Oh, good day to you.
236
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:03,640
One - why are you wearing your Where's Miranda outfit?
237
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:07,200
And B - how was your mature day about town?
238
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:10,160
One, I've only got this left to wear, washing machine is still broken.
239
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:14,880
And B - I got stuck in a tunnel in a soft play centre, did my back in,
240
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,680
went pantless to an osteopath where I farted and blew out a candle.
241
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,240
- I don't...
- I know. I know.
242
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,920
And instead of getting over it like a normal 30-something,
243
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,800
with a glass of wine and a leaf through Tatler,
244
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:31,480
last night, I got a felt-tip pen and decorated my breasts as Jedward.
245
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,880
Mike is going to realise I'm a nonsense and dump me.
246
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:37,920
Then, sire,
247
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I throw down the "It's Time To Grow Up And Do Without Mummy" gauntlet.
248
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,520
Well, sire, I pick up your gauntlet.
249
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With such verve and vigour, I smash it about your little tiny face.
250
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,200
Hey, Quirky!
251
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,160
(Hi!)
252
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,480
Listen, about tonight, I just had a call from Dad.
253
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He's really down, so I said I'd go out with him tonight.
254
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No worries.
255
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,640
Well, actually, he asked about finally meeting you.
256
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,720
Ooh, that's a step. I'm not sure if...
257
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,760
- Gauntlet!
- GAUNTLET!
258
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,560
Sorry.
259
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,080
Yes, good, no. I would like to meet my boyfriend's father.
260
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,680
Bring him round, I'll cook.
261
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,160
Great!
262
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:14,200
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
263
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:18,160
- Bit nervous. With previous girlfriends, there's always been a bit of a culling.
- Culling?
264
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:19,200
He's...
265
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,240
He's particular.
266
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,280
Is he?
267
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,880
I've stitched your bra.
268
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,160
# Bra, bra, bra, bra Barbara Ann... #
269
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,080
Is how excited I am about tonight.
270
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,360
See you later.
271
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:35,800
Sorry, Mother.
272
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,520
Sorry.
273
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,040
It's just, I am with gauntlet,
274
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,640
and from now on, I take all adult tasks on.
275
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:47,360
For tonight, I cook for my boyfriend's father.
276
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,680
BOTH: Sire!
277
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:51,560
It's for Mike's father?
278
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,600
Er... Yeah, that's fine, that's fine.
279
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,600
Very happy not to get involved...
280
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,640
Sire.
281
00:12:57,640 --> 00:12:59,480
Bye, Miranda, live well.
282
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:03,160
Wine glasses, not tumblers, and use the crockery your aunt left you.
283
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,440
Penny! Go!
284
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:06,360
- Which one's that?
- The flowery one.
285
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,800
No, which one's crockery? Plates or spoons?
286
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:10,000
Oh, help us all!
287
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,400
- Bye, darling.
- Bye, Mummy!
288
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,880
Oh, it's for your own good!
289
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,880
(Red wine - meat. White wine - fish. And if in doubt - Delia.)
290
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:20,920
Oi!
291
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,120
I knew you'd never do it.
292
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,160
"Mature relationship"?
293
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:28,640
Oh... Well, now, I have had enough of this doubting,
294
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,160
Little Miss and Mrs Doubtfire.
295
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:33,280
Yeah?
296
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,480
And tonight I shall have a couple's dinner party.
297
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:43,280
And without your help, I shall have a soiree with home-cooked fare,
298
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,000
and good crockery,
299
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,680
which is plates.
300
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,640
And there shall be Buble on the stereo,
301
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,880
and I won't even laugh at the name Bubl...
302
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,160
It's got "boob" in it!
303
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:03,080
Stevie, if you manage to get a boyfriend by tonight, do come.
304
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,720
Right, ingredients.
305
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,480
Hello to you, alfalfa.
306
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,720
I thought you were a llama, but a hearty welcome.
307
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,400
Right, let's do this.
308
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:18,520
Can't be that hard!
309
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,320
- SOBBING:
- It's really hard!
310
00:14:22,920 --> 00:14:25,560
At one point, I was told to skiffle carrots.
311
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:26,600
Skiffle?!
312
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,840
Am I to play them a percussive instrument and dance for them?
313
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,640
My carrots?
314
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:35,000
I confused tsp with tbsp.
315
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,760
Trying to do a salmon terrine starter.
316
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,640
Who can strike clean a piece of cling film?
317
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,000
I was going to do crepe suzette for pudding, but, um...
318
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,040
Penis pasta, what's that doing there?
319
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,920
That's not fun to eat in your 30s.
320
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:05,080
I see only one option.
321
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,160
Sorry...
322
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,440
SHE GASPS
323
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,720
All hail! A terrine!
324
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,720
Even potatoes!
325
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,160
Why do we bother cooking?
326
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:17,000
- Why?
- I'm doing this fish pie for six, and they'll never know!
327
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,560
# Praise M&S Putting food on our table
328
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,800
# Cos cooking drives us crazy We're busy-slash-lazy
329
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,360
# Other upmarket food stores are available! #
330
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,440
- Lovely!
- Thank you!
331
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:27,640
Now go, ladies, go.
332
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,600
Decant in your own dishes and lie!
333
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,480
SHE GIGGLES
334
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:34,360
Who has caused me a wonky throw?
335
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,440
Now, are you sure you don't mind us babysitting?
336
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,520
- I'm really sorry, I just have to make it up to Chris and Alison.
- Of course.
337
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,680
Can I pop the baby monitor here?
338
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,360
I'm not interfering.
339
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,360
If I were, I'd say, "Dab that stain off your dress."
340
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:48,560
I'm saying nothing.
341
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,200
Mother, this is soap, because I hand-washed it,
342
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,680
and I've called the plumber back.
343
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:56,920
I am an in-control adult with my cocktail sausages.
344
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:58,160
SHE GIGGLES
345
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,640
- DOORBELL RINGS
- Ooh! Oh!
346
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,440
This is my boyfriend, Norman.
347
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,560
We've come for the dinner party.
348
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,840
You have clearly just dragged a traffic warden off the street.
349
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,560
No, no, we're seeing each other.
350
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:19,600
Get off me!
351
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:22,680
Babe...
352
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,240
- Come and help me settle him.
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
353
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,800
Get this out!
354
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,120
- MIKE:
- Yes, she bought the shop about four years ago...
355
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,840
Bum bummery! They're here.
356
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,320
OK, act normal, act normal.
357
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,680
No, more natural. More natural. Just...
358
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,240
Miranda!
359
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,400
This is my father.
360
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,120
Well...
361
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:49,680
Well...
362
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,600
Very nice to meet you, Miranda.
363
00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:54,480
Very nice to meet you too, Mr Jackford.
364
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,520
Call me Valerie.
365
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,920
Yeah, good one, call me Derek!
366
00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:00,440
- SHE GIGGLES
- Dad's name is Valerie.
367
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,440
What's your mum called, Dave?
368
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,160
Right! Um...
369
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,400
Let me introduce you to my mother.
370
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,160
For tonight you are a Valerie Singleton, if you...
371
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,520
Dad, this is Penny.
372
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,880
Stevie, osteopath, he was the osteopath!
373
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,960
No! MIRANDA GASPS
374
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,120
Sir, um... Could I take your coat?
375
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,040
Sorry.
376
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:26,800
Lovely, and your keys?
377
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,240
Or shall I throw them in a bowl?
378
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,960
VALERIE LAUGHS
379
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,200
It's a joke!
380
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:38,880
It's a joke!
381
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,360
- Sorry. Are you OK?
- Yes, of course. Yes.
382
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,640
Now, do sit down, let me plump you a scatter cushion.
383
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,720
Help yourself to sausages.
384
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:52,800
Can I get you a warming glass o' rouge?
385
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,400
I'm so getting culled!
386
00:17:58,840 --> 00:17:59,920
Wig!
387
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,640
ALL THREE: Wig! Wig!
388
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,600
There you go.
389
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:09,160
Oh, thank you.
390
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,960
Now, do relax in my nibble and mingle zone.
391
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,240
- So...
- THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
392
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,560
He's just done an explosive poo right up to his armpits.
393
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:31,520
Well, on that note, I think I'll leave.
394
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,560
VALERIE LAUGHS
395
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,680
It was a joke, yeah!
396
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,240
It was a joke.
397
00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,280
I shat meself once.
398
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,600
Now, er, let me just sort out my dessert.
399
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:56,280
I've got syphilis.
400
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,240
Physalis!
401
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,760
Physalis, the fruit, exotic fruit.
402
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,160
I have not got syphilis.
403
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,960
VALERIE LAUGHS
404
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,240
Laughter delay.
405
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,800
Now, you know what's for dessert,
406
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,920
but for starter, we're having a smoked salmon terrine,
407
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,000
and for main, we shall be having lamb.
408
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,760
So, the terrines. I'll just get them out.
409
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,880
And the terrines.
410
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,600
It's a joke about getting your breasts out instead of the terrines.
411
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,160
One for you.
412
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,080
Nothing.
413
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,800
THEY ALL CHATTER
414
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:39,840
Oh, thank you.
415
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,680
HE CHINKS GLASS
416
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,200
Shall we say grace?
417
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,840
- Oh, right.
- Oh, yes.
- Yes, of course, we always do.
418
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,320
Me?
419
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,520
Right...
420
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:51,560
Um...
421
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:54,560
Lord, um...
422
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,240
We...thank you for...the music.
423
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,080
The songs we're singing.
424
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,160
Um...
425
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,840
We thank you for your bread of heaven.
426
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:10,280
Bread of heaven, feed me till I want no more.
427
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,960
# Want no more! #
428
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,120
Feed me till I want no more, so much,
429
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,080
thank you very much to you God, please, amen.
430
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:21,920
Mmm!
431
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,640
Oh, delicious!
432
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,600
Mmm!
433
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,200
And what did you use?
434
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,840
Oh, um, well...skills...
435
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,440
um, utensils...
436
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,200
terrine mix, terrine powder.
437
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,960
I think I've got a bit of pants in my terrine.
438
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,720
They'll be Miranda's. She had to wash them in the dishwasher.
439
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:45,000
Right, excuse me while I just check on my gravy.
440
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,480
MIRANDA COUGHS LOUDLY
441
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,600
BABY CRIES
442
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,280
I'll go.
443
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,720
So, are you thinking of having children, Miranda?
444
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,600
All that dribbling and talking gibberish,
445
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,240
you've got plenty in common.
446
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:08,960
VALERIE LAUGHS
447
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,000
Dad!
448
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:14,800
Do you think you could do the laugh while you're making the joke?
449
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,960
That way there won't be any false starts.
450
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,640
I think she'd make a great mum.
451
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:28,240
Well, she's already got a (very weak) PELVIC FLOOR.
452
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,040
Such fun!
453
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:37,640
Penny, why don't you tell us about the work you're having done?
454
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,440
Yes, what are you having done?
455
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,240
The crow's feet I can see...
456
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,720
On my kitchen.
457
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,520
On my kitchen, you stupid old...
458
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,280
Shall we play a game, shall we?
459
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,320
# Heads, shoulders knees and toes Knees and toes... #
460
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,240
- That's a kids' game!
- Yes! Ridiculous suggestion.
461
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,920
I mean, I prefer dinner party convo.
462
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,320
So, um...
463
00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:00,080
Well, Norman, what do you do for a hobby?
464
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:03,880
I like to let kittens feed from my beard.
465
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,120
Shall we play a game? I think we should play a game.
466
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,080
- Let's play a game.
- What about the were game?
467
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:12,400
You know, if you were going to be a were-animal for one night, like a werewolf, what animal would you be?
468
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:15,080
What, like Valerie would be a were-toupee?
469
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,800
ALL: # Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes... #
470
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,960
My lamb looks OK, I've made a new gravy,
471
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,800
I'm clawing it back.
472
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,200
Ohh! Oh!
473
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:24,480
My meat's gone mobile.
474
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:26,520
Oh, hot! Five-second rule.
475
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:27,920
Hot! Five-second rule.
476
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,680
Hot! Five-second rule.
477
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:31,880
Oh!
478
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,520
What is going on?
479
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,280
My meat's gone mobile.
480
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:41,640
Valerie thinks I'm insane.
481
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,680
- You're not helping.
- Now, listen here.
482
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,640
I like Mike, and you are more than good enough for him.
483
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,480
I do not like Valerie.
484
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,760
I will not be dictated to by Stevie the crazed leprechaun,
485
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:54,960
and a man with a dead badger on his head.
486
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,560
- We stick together.
- Oh, Mummy!
487
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,240
Help me with a new main course.
488
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:01,720
- SHE GASPS
- Mum!
489
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,720
The microwave is about to go ping. I've put the M&S potatoes in there.
490
00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,680
What are you two up to in there?
491
00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:08,040
BOTH: Nothing!
492
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:09,080
MICROWAVE BLEEPS
493
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,120
THEY SCREAM
494
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,720
Sorry, we thought we saw a, er...
495
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:14,840
- Mouse.
- Mouse!
496
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:15,880
What?!
497
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,400
Really, babe?
498
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,960
Oh, you need to man up.
499
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:26,600
I am so pleased my daughter's moved on to your lovely son, Vanessa.
500
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,240
What do you mean, moved on?
501
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:34,400
She's had a thing for Gary for years.
502
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,560
- It wasn't really a thing.
- ..wasn't really a thing.
503
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,840
Well, was it a thing, or wasn't it a thing?
504
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:40,720
Well, if you can call a couple of dates...
505
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:41,760
You dated?
506
00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,120
Well, nothing ever really happened.
507
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:47,360
Oh, tell me about it! On, off, on, off...
508
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,480
And do you still want it to be on?
509
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:54,360
BOTH: No, no, no, no, no, no!
510
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:55,400
No!
511
00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:57,720
BABY CRIES
512
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,720
- STEVIE: I'll give you a hand.
- Rose...
513
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:09,160
- PENNY OVER MONITOR:
- 'You are not doing Miranda any favours.'
514
00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,840
STEVIE: 'She's on a losing streak with that Valerie.'
515
00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:16,160
'Her first proper boyfriend, and the father's got the personality
516
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,880
'of a self-service checkout.'
517
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:21,400
- GARY:
- 'Oh, and that wig! It's like roadkill!'
518
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:22,720
- PENNY LAUGHS
- 'Yes, well...
519
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,880
'If Miranda gets desperate, we can always grill that!'
520
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:27,760
THEY LAUGH
521
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:29,080
LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY
522
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,280
'This monitor's on, isn't it?'
523
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,360
TRICKLING WATER
524
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,320
BOTH: Brazen wee.
525
00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,160
TOILET FLUSHES
526
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,560
Sir, can I get you a drink?
527
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,640
Would you like a tea, perhaps a camomile?
528
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,200
She's got a redbush.
529
00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,760
The tea, the tea!
530
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,800
Sorry, I was making crepe suzette earlier.
531
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:06,880
(Sorry.)
532
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,760
Right, son, I've had enough of this.
533
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,760
I don't care to come to a so-called dinner party
534
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:24,120
to be insulted by your girlfriend's freaky friends and dysfunctional family.
535
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,680
Excuse me, my functional is not disfamily.
536
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:29,160
We are not fysdunctional.
537
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,440
Mr Jackford, I know I haven't portrayed myself well,
538
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:33,160
but I am a capable woman.
539
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,560
Then why is foam rising throughout your kitchen?
540
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:39,480
Oh, no! I put Fairy Liquid in the dishwasher.
541
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,640
I am normal!
542
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:42,680
Hello?
543
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,920
I'm only coming in if you don't wax my crack again, all right?
544
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,680
Is that penis pasta?
545
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:50,720
Right!
546
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:51,760
That's it!
547
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,920
I drop the gauntlet.
548
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:56,920
For the last two days, I've tried to be a grown-up,
549
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,760
but I have no interest in abiding by the adult rulebook.
550
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,040
I want to do fun things that make me happy,
551
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:07,080
which by the way, for the record, include making Vegetapals.
552
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,520
Meet Mr Butternut.
553
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,680
You might call me a child.
554
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:13,720
Good.
555
00:26:13,720 --> 00:26:17,240
For if adults had even the slightest in-the-moment joy of a child,
556
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:20,680
then frankly, the world would be a better place.
557
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:21,720
Oh!
558
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:22,960
And the terrine?
559
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,320
M&S.
560
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,840
Well, I bet you're glad your "thing" with her is over now.
561
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,840
No. Miranda's my best friend, Rose,
562
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,400
and I'm not going to say what you want me to say,
563
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,520
so if you can't handle that, then do you know what?
564
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:38,560
It's over.
565
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,480
- AUDIENCE CHEERS
- Fine!
566
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,400
SHE MIMICS EASTENDERS CLOSING THEME
567
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:47,120
Come on, Mike.
568
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,160
No, I'm staying.
569
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:53,320
These last two days, I've been worried that you weren't who I thought you were, because I was...
570
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,680
falling in love with you.
571
00:26:55,680 --> 00:27:00,120
Your ridiculous sense of humour, and your...
572
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:04,040
smile and the way you bring me out of my boring shell, and...
573
00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:05,800
Well, hearing what you just said...
574
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:09,480
I realised I have fallen in love with you.
575
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,880
I love you, Quirky.
576
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,080
Get off!
577
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,160
And do you know what I really want to do?
578
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,640
BOTH: Foam fight!
579
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,680
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
580
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,560
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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