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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:04,830 Well, hello to you, and a hearty, Happy Christmas! 2 00:00:05,030 --> 00:00:08,421 Oh, I've missed you. Thrilled to be reunited. 3 00:00:08,422 --> 00:00:12,142 Thank you for dressing up or down, in some cases. 4 00:00:12,143 --> 00:00:14,250 And to those for undressing, I'm flattered, 5 00:00:14,251 --> 00:00:16,882 but put them back on, please. It's weird. OK. 6 00:00:16,912 --> 00:00:18,990 Right, catch-up time. Firstly, 7 00:00:18,991 --> 00:00:21,661 Gary. Well, we've agreed just friends. 8 00:00:21,662 --> 00:00:23,505 No, it's the right thing to do 9 00:00:23,506 --> 00:00:26,311 and easier than our attempts at romance. 10 00:00:29,094 --> 00:00:30,800 - Ooh! Are you OK? - Yeah. Mm hmm. 11 00:00:30,801 --> 00:00:33,046 Yeah? Just... just give us a minute. 12 00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,577 Want a bit of this? 13 00:00:53,613 --> 00:00:57,341 Now, Mum, she's on a mission to get me trim 'n fit. 14 00:00:57,352 --> 00:01:00,319 It's not working. Mini mince pie? Mine! 15 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,392 But she did force me to her and Tilly's Zumba class. 16 00:01:05,006 --> 00:01:06,700 Next move! 17 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,373 Oh no, that's sexual. Sorry, I'm not doing that. 18 00:01:09,612 --> 00:01:11,053 And find partners! 19 00:01:11,412 --> 00:01:12,752 Oh, well. When in Rome. 20 00:01:13,901 --> 00:01:14,976 Flirt! 21 00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:18,028 Hi, I'm gymnastics level 2. 22 00:01:20,257 --> 00:01:22,328 And now to reveal my big bulletin. 23 00:01:22,329 --> 00:01:23,819 Not a euphemism. 24 00:01:23,820 --> 00:01:27,513 My lovely shop has gone under. I know! 25 00:01:27,514 --> 00:01:29,798 Well, we hit hard times, and Stevie said 26 00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,907 I wasn't taking the business seriously. 27 00:01:31,939 --> 00:01:35,457 And you really thought maracas would sell? 28 00:01:37,202 --> 00:01:39,118 Please, for once, just focus. 29 00:01:39,119 --> 00:01:40,451 Now, if we sell... 30 00:01:40,452 --> 00:01:43,498 - Celebrate good times... - Right! That's it. I quit! 31 00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:44,515 Oh no! Stevie, wait! 32 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,478 Biscuit Blizzard, yeah? 33 00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:56,200 So Stevie's got some executive job, but on a positive note, 34 00:01:56,201 --> 00:01:58,312 it's cake and sherry night tonight - 35 00:01:58,313 --> 00:01:59,999 Yes, I am 80 - 36 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,141 to celebrate MY new job starting tomorrow. 37 00:02:03,142 --> 00:02:06,012 Admin assistant at your service. 38 00:02:07,984 --> 00:02:09,400 Cue titles. 39 00:02:23,162 --> 00:02:26,811 Santa Claus is coming to town 40 00:02:26,812 --> 00:02:29,999 He sees you when you're sleeping 41 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,450 He knows when you're awake... 42 00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:33,852 Right, you want to learn to marzipan the cake? 43 00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:36,141 - Yes, Madam. - OK. 44 00:02:36,142 --> 00:02:37,831 Oh! No! No, no, no, no. 45 00:02:37,832 --> 00:02:41,099 Much more gently than that. That's it. Just smooth it. 46 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:44,862 We're interrupting! 47 00:02:44,863 --> 00:02:48,291 Queen Kong, Gary! You were on the brink of a kiss. 48 00:02:48,292 --> 00:02:49,781 Totes brinkulating. 49 00:02:49,782 --> 00:02:50,861 No! 50 00:02:50,862 --> 00:02:52,529 We're just friends. We are hanging. 51 00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:53,580 We are sorting it. 52 00:02:53,581 --> 00:02:54,940 "We" this, "We" that. 53 00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:56,482 Yeah, can you stop "Weeing"? 54 00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,352 Can you stop "Weeing"? 55 00:03:00,353 --> 00:03:02,263 Because of the connotation. 56 00:03:03,895 --> 00:03:05,477 Can you stop "Weeing"? 57 00:03:06,432 --> 00:03:07,740 So where have you been? 58 00:03:07,741 --> 00:03:10,423 You're late for sherry and a slice night. 59 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:13,529 We've been trying some evening classes. We just did Kendo. 60 00:03:13,530 --> 00:03:15,527 It's fun, yet... yet violent. 61 00:03:15,802 --> 00:03:18,107 We-oh-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! 62 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:19,752 It's quite moi! 63 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:23,170 And then we did Aqua-French, and that was quite moi as well. 64 00:03:23,171 --> 00:03:24,945 I love being single. It's brilliant. 65 00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:27,599 As professional executives, 66 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,240 it's important we find our extracurricular activity. 67 00:03:30,241 --> 00:03:32,516 Yeah, it's all about the hobby dobby doo. 68 00:03:33,562 --> 00:03:36,098 Hobbying with our new bestfriend Tilly, are we? 69 00:03:36,099 --> 00:03:37,349 Oh, putting "Are we" after a fact 70 00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,514 to be passive aggressive, are we? 71 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,992 Strutting like a rabid Smurf, are we? 72 00:03:44,302 --> 00:03:47,591 Got a bit of marzipan on our cheek, have we? 73 00:03:47,592 --> 00:03:49,459 Getting the "Are we" wrong and saying "Have we" instead of 74 00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:51,809 "Are we", are we? I won! 75 00:03:53,286 --> 00:03:55,527 Oh, come here. You have got marzipan, actually. 76 00:03:56,789 --> 00:03:58,042 Are you feeling on the brink? 77 00:03:58,043 --> 00:04:00,802 Maybe a bit brinky, yeah. 78 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:01,882 We must be brinkless Gary. 79 00:04:01,883 --> 00:04:03,600 Sorry, no brinking. 80 00:04:03,635 --> 00:04:05,943 It's just you were cutely vulnerable. 81 00:04:06,152 --> 00:04:09,335 And you teaching was manly and dominant. 82 00:04:10,695 --> 00:04:12,901 On the brink! 83 00:04:12,902 --> 00:04:15,431 Brinkle, brinkle, Little star 84 00:04:15,432 --> 00:04:18,101 How I wonder what you are. 85 00:04:18,102 --> 00:04:21,810 Miranda, darling. I've had another GHASTLY Christmas newsletter. 86 00:04:21,811 --> 00:04:24,060 And hello to you, Mum. Christmas cheer. 87 00:04:24,061 --> 00:04:25,298 Stop it. We're British, 88 00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,432 sober and no-one's going to prison. 89 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:31,931 Cheers. This one's from the Lumley-Kendalls. 90 00:04:31,932 --> 00:04:35,857 "Baby Nelson said his first two words, 'good shot'. 91 00:04:36,952 --> 00:04:39,670 "Tarquin is rowing to the Sudan to take them 92 00:04:39,671 --> 00:04:42,595 "pate as part of his Duke of Edinburgh Award. 93 00:04:43,512 --> 00:04:47,311 "And Latoya lost three stone doing charity fun runs 94 00:04:47,312 --> 00:04:50,348 "and marries a Duke in the spring." So smug. 95 00:04:50,349 --> 00:04:53,687 Plus, Mrs Lumely-Kendall thought I was 64. 96 00:04:53,688 --> 00:04:56,479 - You are 64. - I just turned 52. 97 00:04:58,147 --> 00:04:59,400 For a newsletter like that. 98 00:04:59,401 --> 00:05:02,222 All I could say was, "Miranda's a fat temp." 99 00:05:02,223 --> 00:05:03,392 Harsh! 100 00:05:04,932 --> 00:05:07,459 Right, dashing home ASAP. 101 00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:10,792 I've got an appointment with your father to exfoliate his... 102 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,412 - Right, here we go. - That looks delicious! 103 00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:17,404 - Thanks, Gary. - Yum! 104 00:05:17,405 --> 00:05:18,709 'A new report suggests up to 105 00:05:18,710 --> 00:05:22,001 65% of us 'could now be considered obese.' 106 00:05:22,002 --> 00:05:23,971 How do people GET like that? 107 00:05:23,972 --> 00:05:25,091 Don't know! 108 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:27,811 'This is Michael Jackford for Southern News.' 109 00:05:36,342 --> 00:05:37,551 Was that me? 110 00:05:38,102 --> 00:05:40,957 Was I just at the end of an obesity report? 111 00:05:43,562 --> 00:05:47,510 Shocker! Lat mousse! Which you probably want to scoff! 112 00:05:48,442 --> 00:05:50,742 Obese-Wan Ken-Obiste! 113 00:05:51,796 --> 00:05:54,313 I'm not obese. The camera was just panning away, wasn't it? 114 00:05:54,314 --> 00:05:56,555 Oh yeah, yeah, no. It was moving off. The camera was panning. 115 00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:58,127 That was weird! 116 00:05:58,128 --> 00:06:00,599 YOU! On the telly! Weird! 117 00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,542 Of ALL the people to get on the telly. 118 00:06:03,736 --> 00:06:06,115 REALLY weird! 119 00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,512 Yes, thank you. 120 00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:12,592 Right, we are, of course, gathere'ed here tonight 121 00:06:12,593 --> 00:06:16,471 to toast ahoy and welcome aboard my hearty - 122 00:06:16,472 --> 00:06:19,014 oh, I've gone sort of posh pirate - to... 123 00:06:19,665 --> 00:06:21,618 my new job. 124 00:06:22,125 --> 00:06:22,857 Your new job. 125 00:06:22,858 --> 00:06:24,160 - Your new job. - Jobulous. 126 00:06:24,161 --> 00:06:27,656 And, of course, we say a bon voyage to the shop, which in... 127 00:06:28,309 --> 00:06:29,657 - Delicious. - Excuse me, what are you doing? 128 00:06:29,658 --> 00:06:30,530 I'm doing a speech. 129 00:06:30,531 --> 00:06:32,880 A sweeps take for when you'll be fired. 130 00:06:32,881 --> 00:06:34,192 I'm going ten past nine. 131 00:06:34,193 --> 00:06:35,775 I START at nine. 132 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,972 Five past nine. 133 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:44,599 Rude! You forget I am a slick chick. 134 00:06:51,682 --> 00:06:54,900 Isn't it full? Isn't it... isn't it full? Oh, no? 135 00:06:54,912 --> 00:06:55,954 Hello! 136 00:06:56,322 --> 00:06:57,023 I've had relationships with 137 00:06:57,024 --> 00:06:58,968 less physical contact than this. 138 00:06:59,742 --> 00:07:02,232 - Are you holding my hand? - No. 139 00:07:04,784 --> 00:07:07,078 Inappropriately close to someone else's teeth. 140 00:07:08,942 --> 00:07:10,242 Egg breath! 141 00:07:16,472 --> 00:07:19,998 OK, I can do this. Deep breath. 142 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,650 Ooh, my goodness! 143 00:07:31,802 --> 00:07:35,217 Hi, morning. I've just got a very hot leg. 144 00:07:47,882 --> 00:07:49,713 Sorry. I'm from the agency. 145 00:07:49,954 --> 00:07:52,048 Temp, not escort! 146 00:07:52,049 --> 00:07:53,077 Not "Your 9 o'clock's here, 147 00:07:53,078 --> 00:07:54,491 big and busty". 148 00:07:54,492 --> 00:07:56,272 Looking at you but not listening. 149 00:07:56,273 --> 00:07:57,985 Right, this is your area. 150 00:07:57,986 --> 00:07:59,180 Do you hear what I am saying? 151 00:07:59,181 --> 00:08:01,060 Well I do, yes, in that I'm not deaf. 152 00:08:01,061 --> 00:08:02,932 I'll get you a pass and a fob. 153 00:08:02,933 --> 00:08:04,241 Fob? 154 00:08:04,242 --> 00:08:06,120 That's Sue. This is Emma. I'm Emma. 155 00:08:06,121 --> 00:08:08,880 Just one thing, what does the company actually do? 156 00:08:08,881 --> 00:08:11,230 We provide strategic planning and data support and recently 157 00:08:11,231 --> 00:08:13,498 creative new media to blue-chip financial service companies 158 00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:15,461 across Hampshire and the Thames Valley... 159 00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,398 The new media boss is coming in this morning? 160 00:08:17,399 --> 00:08:19,495 New boss. Do you hear what I'm saying? 161 00:08:20,097 --> 00:08:22,001 I hear you say that but I don't really know 162 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,322 - what you're saying. - I totally hear what you're saying. 163 00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:26,631 But she only really said "Do you hear what I'm saying?" 164 00:08:28,023 --> 00:08:30,356 It's fine, you know. I'll catch the lingo. 165 00:08:30,357 --> 00:08:32,098 You know, you're just a bit younger. 166 00:08:32,099 --> 00:08:35,038 - So what? What year where you born? - 1991? 167 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,037 That's only just happened! 168 00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:40,482 No, you've got that wrong. 169 00:08:40,483 --> 00:08:42,821 Nice outfit, by the way. 170 00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:44,472 Thanks, dudes. Yup, sure. 171 00:08:44,473 --> 00:08:46,571 Longhurst, Bailey and... 172 00:08:46,572 --> 00:08:48,592 What's the... What's the company? 173 00:08:48,593 --> 00:08:50,807 Longhurst, Bailey... Longhurst... 174 00:08:52,392 --> 00:08:55,581 Longhurst, Bailey and Nn-uhh. 175 00:08:55,582 --> 00:08:58,822 Yes, yes. Certainly. I'll put you through. Just, umm... 176 00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:09,853 Longhurst, Bailey and Uh-oh? 177 00:09:10,892 --> 00:09:12,464 What company? 178 00:09:12,465 --> 00:09:14,890 Sorry, yes, hello, won't keep you long. 179 00:09:14,891 --> 00:09:18,122 Please hold, your call is important to us, please hold. 180 00:09:18,312 --> 00:09:20,435 Do you want to play biscuit blizzard? 181 00:09:21,452 --> 00:09:24,096 All so serious. Where are the larks? 182 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,015 Oh, I miss Stevie and the shop! 183 00:09:27,122 --> 00:09:29,142 The drawing pins have been laid. 184 00:09:29,143 --> 00:09:31,201 It's time for Hopper roulette. 185 00:09:31,202 --> 00:09:33,781 Gladiators, mount your hoppers. 186 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,422 Go! 187 00:09:41,892 --> 00:09:44,892 I'm going to have to pick it up and say a rude word. 188 00:09:46,772 --> 00:09:47,992 Spasm. 189 00:09:49,162 --> 00:09:50,980 Right, listen up. 190 00:09:52,144 --> 00:09:53,312 Sheath. 191 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,516 - Sorry. - New boss. 192 00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,470 Right guys, I want to get a feel for how we all tick. 193 00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:03,606 All right? Let's go around the room - 194 00:10:03,607 --> 00:10:05,991 names, hobbies, top strength. 195 00:10:05,992 --> 00:10:07,632 You, top strength, go! 196 00:10:10,049 --> 00:10:11,136 Must have one. 197 00:10:12,717 --> 00:10:14,102 Height! 198 00:10:15,502 --> 00:10:18,505 - You, go. - Susan Perb. Call me Sue. 199 00:10:18,882 --> 00:10:20,242 - Sue Perb? - Yes. 200 00:10:20,243 --> 00:10:24,315 Sue Perb? How is that not funny? 201 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:25,962 Nothing from anyone. 202 00:10:25,963 --> 00:10:27,551 She's called Sue Perb! 203 00:10:27,552 --> 00:10:30,271 - What? - What?! 204 00:10:30,272 --> 00:10:32,521 Right, OK. That is it, 205 00:10:32,522 --> 00:10:36,659 I cannot work with people who don't find that properly funny. 206 00:10:37,772 --> 00:10:39,715 Have you ever walked past this meeting room 207 00:10:39,716 --> 00:10:42,501 and flashed during an important meeting? 208 00:10:42,502 --> 00:10:44,521 If not, why not? 209 00:10:44,522 --> 00:10:46,638 Youth is for at least the odd lark which is 210 00:10:46,639 --> 00:10:51,626 why I am determined to get my beautiful shop back. 211 00:11:01,352 --> 00:11:03,652 Funny! Fact! 212 00:11:05,802 --> 00:11:07,960 You're taking the shop off the market? 213 00:11:07,961 --> 00:11:11,050 Brilliant! Oh, we should celebrate, as friends, obviously. 214 00:11:11,051 --> 00:11:13,120 - Movie and take away? - Void of brink. 215 00:11:13,121 --> 00:11:14,660 - Tonight, yeah? - Definitely. 216 00:11:14,661 --> 00:11:16,020 Er, what are you doing tonight? 217 00:11:16,021 --> 00:11:17,956 I thought it was Miranda and Stevie's 218 00:11:17,957 --> 00:11:20,620 Meet At Six For Chick Flicks Pic'n'Mix And Bix Fix. 219 00:11:20,621 --> 00:11:23,190 No, I'm going to celebrate trying to get the shop back. 220 00:11:23,191 --> 00:11:24,700 Oh, Stevie, will you come back? 221 00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:26,245 Stevie's an executive now. 222 00:11:26,246 --> 00:11:27,835 - Oh, is Stevie? - Yes, Stevie is. 223 00:11:27,836 --> 00:11:30,657 She manages the retail appointments at a recruitment... 224 00:11:30,658 --> 00:11:32,519 It was just white noise. 225 00:11:38,527 --> 00:11:42,086 Part of a televisual obese campaign? 226 00:11:42,087 --> 00:11:43,921 It was panning. 227 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,718 Right, Christmas is confiscated until you've detoxed 228 00:11:47,719 --> 00:11:49,447 and lost weight for the Lumley-Kendall's 229 00:11:49,448 --> 00:11:52,381 Cashmere-Sweater-Themed- Christingle-Pringle-Mingle. 230 00:11:54,208 --> 00:11:57,986 Your father's made some Michael Buble baubles. 231 00:11:57,987 --> 00:11:59,820 Such fun! 232 00:12:01,384 --> 00:12:03,607 Oh, she wouldn't confiscate Christmas, would she? 233 00:12:03,608 --> 00:12:07,076 I mean, all the food and the pressies and the food 234 00:12:07,077 --> 00:12:10,520 and the music and the food and the food 235 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:14,626 and the fires and the food and the food. 236 00:12:15,461 --> 00:12:17,247 And the food. 237 00:12:17,277 --> 00:12:20,296 You SHOULD detox, you're obsessed with food. 238 00:12:20,297 --> 00:12:23,245 I am not detoxing. You have to eat things called pearl barley 239 00:12:23,246 --> 00:12:25,825 and you know my rule, I will not eat something that 240 00:12:25,826 --> 00:12:28,139 sounds like a character in Coronation Street. 241 00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:31,060 There's loads of great, healthy things out there. 242 00:12:31,061 --> 00:12:33,243 I could make you a sugar-free beetroot cake. 243 00:12:39,057 --> 00:12:42,051 A sugar-free beetroot cake? 244 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:44,361 What next? A pea and ham sponge? 245 00:12:44,362 --> 00:12:46,098 I don't know. I'm out of here 246 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,707 cos I've got to make an appointment with a business manager, 247 00:12:48,708 --> 00:12:50,482 do you hear what I am saying? 248 00:12:54,377 --> 00:12:57,475 Tripped! I meant to, I meant to go out like that. 249 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,900 Like a little pony doing dressage. 250 00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,445 A five, six, seven, eight. 251 00:13:08,446 --> 00:13:11,626 Rockin' around the Christmas tree... 252 00:13:11,627 --> 00:13:14,158 ..At the Christmas party hop 253 00:13:15,047 --> 00:13:18,225 Mistletoe hung where you can see 254 00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:21,086 Every couple tries to stop... 255 00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:24,795 I'm just so bored of the shop accounts. 256 00:13:24,796 --> 00:13:28,037 Right, well listen don't tell your mum but pizza, popcorn, 257 00:13:28,038 --> 00:13:30,397 horror film, anti-romance. Great. 258 00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,630 Ooh, yum! Oh, smells good! 259 00:13:33,631 --> 00:13:35,402 Er, you. OK. Thanks. 260 00:13:51,142 --> 00:13:52,217 Sorry. Sorry. 261 00:13:52,218 --> 00:13:53,817 Can you not get popcorn everywhere? 262 00:13:53,818 --> 00:13:55,969 Sorry, the husks travel. 263 00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:59,047 Husks. That's an excellent word, isn't it? 264 00:13:59,347 --> 00:14:01,057 Husks. 265 00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:04,198 Husks. 266 00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:12,986 I don't want to watch but I can't not watch. 267 00:14:12,987 --> 00:14:14,511 It's like Boris Johnson. 268 00:14:18,927 --> 00:14:21,609 Oh no! The electricity bill. 269 00:14:24,707 --> 00:14:27,187 You've got that look on your face. What? 270 00:14:27,188 --> 00:14:30,345 No, I was thinking about the girl in the film, she's quite cute. 271 00:14:30,527 --> 00:14:32,297 Oh, really? 272 00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:34,619 Oh, well. If you like that kind of spindly, 273 00:14:34,620 --> 00:14:36,325 button-nosed kind of you could use her 274 00:14:36,326 --> 00:14:38,305 as a toothpick kind of thing, then, fine, 275 00:14:38,306 --> 00:14:39,740 then track her down, she might be 276 00:14:39,741 --> 00:14:41,395 in Hong Kong, you could marry her. 277 00:14:41,396 --> 00:14:43,785 I knew it! I knew you hadn't forgiven me. 278 00:14:43,786 --> 00:14:45,665 I married Tamara for a green card. 279 00:14:45,666 --> 00:14:47,059 Green card, yeah, yeah. 280 00:14:48,152 --> 00:14:49,840 They're coming to get us! 281 00:14:50,126 --> 00:14:53,076 Put the pizza down. Mum! 282 00:14:53,077 --> 00:14:57,301 Penny. I smell fat people. 283 00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,798 I have an appointment with Miranda at 9. 284 00:15:01,799 --> 00:15:03,345 - Yes, that's me. - Good morning. 285 00:15:03,346 --> 00:15:04,789 Good morning. Shall we? 286 00:15:12,987 --> 00:15:15,694 My name is Dick Twist. 287 00:15:18,387 --> 00:15:20,776 Dick Twist! Why not? 288 00:15:20,777 --> 00:15:23,636 I received your application for a loan. 289 00:15:23,637 --> 00:15:26,355 So let's go over your particulars. Cheeky! 290 00:15:27,437 --> 00:15:28,417 Right. 291 00:15:28,457 --> 00:15:30,112 Now, your application is 292 00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:32,545 not what we'd normally expect. For starters, 293 00:15:32,546 --> 00:15:34,385 time at current address - 294 00:15:34,386 --> 00:15:36,063 11.30? 295 00:15:36,997 --> 00:15:40,549 Well, that was the time. Yes, what's your collateral? 296 00:15:40,550 --> 00:15:41,917 Oh, it's really high I'm afraid. 297 00:15:41,918 --> 00:15:43,799 I try and stay off cream. 298 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,114 Yes, I think until you get a manager with 299 00:15:46,115 --> 00:15:49,383 a clear business plan to assess all the... No, wait, Mr Twist. 300 00:15:49,384 --> 00:15:52,185 I do have an idea that will be really profitable 301 00:15:52,186 --> 00:15:54,316 if I can just get my maracas out. 302 00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:56,999 Not that. Yes, I was going to say 303 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,150 I don't think that would be very profitable at all. 304 00:16:00,207 --> 00:16:04,466 Right well, if Zumba is such a craze, yes? 305 00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:07,508 What about Maraca-class? 306 00:16:08,917 --> 00:16:10,100 Yeah? 307 00:16:10,278 --> 00:16:12,576 Look at that. Ooh! A bit saucy! 308 00:16:12,577 --> 00:16:16,607 Arms out, arms - look at that! Let's try it with music. 309 00:16:18,247 --> 00:16:21,221 Oh! Yeah? 310 00:16:21,222 --> 00:16:23,566 I am a one-woman fiesta. 311 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,241 Imagine me with a Brazilian. 312 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,511 Forget I said that. 313 00:16:30,397 --> 00:16:33,832 Any minute now I think you'll think, "Yeah, this is an idea." 314 00:16:42,397 --> 00:16:44,204 Was that Ross Kemp? 315 00:16:48,277 --> 00:16:49,845 They're repossessing the shop. 316 00:16:49,846 --> 00:16:52,707 On Friday. I've defaulted my mortgage payments. 317 00:16:52,708 --> 00:16:56,736 That is the final straw. You are an obese destitute. 318 00:16:56,737 --> 00:16:59,686 It was panning. Obese destitute. 319 00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:01,800 Can't write that in my newsletter, can I? 320 00:17:02,227 --> 00:17:05,077 Now you look here - Mummy will save the shop, 321 00:17:05,078 --> 00:17:07,698 manage the business if you come to Eaters Anonymous. 322 00:17:07,699 --> 00:17:10,565 - Even the notion! - Right. No Christmas. 323 00:17:10,566 --> 00:17:12,898 Fine. I do not want to hang with you and Dad 324 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,071 for two days being subjected to Dad's yearly 325 00:17:15,072 --> 00:17:18,015 one-man performance of the Twelve Days of Christmas. 326 00:17:18,016 --> 00:17:20,845 No-one should have to see his maids-a-milking! 327 00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:24,599 - Darling, what about his five gold rings? - They are worse! 328 00:17:26,127 --> 00:17:28,515 But you could play with your father's present. 329 00:17:28,516 --> 00:17:30,117 I've got him an eye patch. 330 00:17:30,118 --> 00:17:32,318 PAD. IPAD. 331 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,742 Why's it so irritating when they get it wrong? 332 00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:35,981 Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, 333 00:17:35,982 --> 00:17:38,125 I really need your help now, it's serious. 334 00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:41,247 You made it very clear your friendship allegiance is with Gary. 335 00:17:41,248 --> 00:17:43,655 I want nothing to do with her, friends forgive each other. 336 00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,346 Oh, bear with, bear with. 337 00:17:46,636 --> 00:17:48,555 Bear with, bear with, bear with. 338 00:17:49,624 --> 00:17:51,907 Stinky says there's a woman doing Banzai, 339 00:17:51,908 --> 00:17:55,440 that's bonsai with aggressive bushes. "Hurry... 340 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,410 "..To get a place." Oh, this is it! 341 00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,917 This is me! 342 00:18:00,175 --> 00:18:01,945 Oh! Me too, this can be MY thing! 343 00:18:01,946 --> 00:18:04,808 Oh, well, fine. You go off and aggressively trim your bush. 344 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,052 And I've got a new business associate. Introducing... 345 00:18:10,053 --> 00:18:11,456 Penny. 346 00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:14,775 - In your bonsai faces. - Nice! 347 00:18:16,016 --> 00:18:16,995 Tripped. I meant to. 348 00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,566 I meant to go out like this. 349 00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:33,266 I am only doing this if you come to Eater's Anonymous. 350 00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:34,710 Yes, Mummy. 351 00:18:34,716 --> 00:18:36,735 It'll be such fun. 352 00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:40,787 You're all very jolly, aren't you, you...people? 353 00:18:46,576 --> 00:18:48,404 Thank you so much for coming back. 354 00:18:48,405 --> 00:18:49,936 Now, may I introduce you to my mother 355 00:18:49,937 --> 00:18:51,686 and business manager, Penny? 356 00:18:51,687 --> 00:18:54,083 - Dick Twist. - I'm sorry? 357 00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:55,395 Dick Twist. 358 00:18:55,396 --> 00:18:58,204 - What's he saying? - That's his name. Dick Twist. 359 00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,706 Dick Twist? Dick Twist. 360 00:18:59,707 --> 00:19:00,853 Dick Twist. Dick Twist. 361 00:19:00,854 --> 00:19:01,906 Dick Twist. Dick Twist. 362 00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,238 Husk! 363 00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:04,749 Sorry. 364 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,867 I am so sorry about earlier. 365 00:19:09,868 --> 00:19:11,868 As long as you don't get your maracas out again. 366 00:19:11,869 --> 00:19:13,897 Oh, Miranda! I am so sorry. 367 00:19:13,898 --> 00:19:17,627 No-one needs to see the mirudders as we call them. 368 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,011 They move independently, 369 00:19:20,012 --> 00:19:22,316 she has the nipple equivalent of a lazy eye. 370 00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:28,090 Right. Do you now have a business model 371 00:19:28,091 --> 00:19:29,616 so I can consider this loan? 372 00:19:29,617 --> 00:19:33,459 I certainly am a model - Miss Goadalming, 1968. 373 00:19:33,830 --> 00:19:37,097 Gave it up to have children. So, that was worthwhile. 374 00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,115 Can you project for me profit and loss? 375 00:19:40,116 --> 00:19:42,864 Profit and l-o-o-o-o-ss! 376 00:19:44,456 --> 00:19:46,953 She's as incompetent as you are. 377 00:19:46,954 --> 00:19:49,763 Wait, please, Mr Twist, what are my options? 378 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,776 Well, have you considered getting a partner? 379 00:19:51,777 --> 00:19:54,599 Oh, we have tried and tried, Dick, 380 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,639 if you pardon the vernacular. 381 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:57,845 She couldn't attract a partner 382 00:19:57,846 --> 00:19:59,984 if you shoved a giant magnet down her blouse 383 00:19:59,985 --> 00:20:02,476 and sat her next to a man made of iron filings! 384 00:20:04,106 --> 00:20:07,396 Well, unless you find a manager with a coherent business plan 385 00:20:07,397 --> 00:20:11,118 within the next 36 hours, the bailiffs will repossess. 386 00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:16,494 Oh, no! Mummy! Oh, heavens. You're going to get repossessed! 387 00:20:16,495 --> 00:20:20,627 You'd be a disaster in prison and by that I mean very popular. 388 00:20:21,224 --> 00:20:25,199 I know, we'll advertise on the interweb for a new manager. 389 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,857 We've just got time before Eater's Anonymous. 390 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:29,563 What's this? 391 00:20:29,564 --> 00:20:33,119 Chat With Lonely Oil Rig Workers. 392 00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:34,841 That's just spam. 393 00:20:36,646 --> 00:20:40,807 Hi. Just a couple of notices pre the weighing. 394 00:20:40,808 --> 00:20:43,174 Firstly, I've got a very heavy jean on. 395 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:46,002 Secondly, my breasts are quite heavy. 396 00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:47,493 I know that because I once weighed them 397 00:20:47,494 --> 00:20:49,200 to see how much they cost to post. 398 00:20:49,201 --> 00:20:50,899 Just step on, please. 399 00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:54,638 Also, could we factor in that at least 10% will be wind? 400 00:20:57,606 --> 00:20:59,612 Make that 7.5%. 401 00:21:00,276 --> 00:21:02,435 7%. Caught me unawares. 402 00:21:02,436 --> 00:21:03,846 - Get on. - Yes. 403 00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:07,743 I could be a jockey. 404 00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:09,616 Only if you had a massive horse. 405 00:21:11,196 --> 00:21:14,665 Gather. Gather, please, that's it. Gather, please. 406 00:21:14,666 --> 00:21:18,606 Now, today, I want to focus on a scenario to help you through 407 00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:20,914 this difficult Christmas period. 408 00:21:20,915 --> 00:21:22,426 So... 409 00:21:22,446 --> 00:21:28,215 which section to the left or right looks the most delicious? 410 00:21:28,216 --> 00:21:29,715 To the left. 411 00:21:29,716 --> 00:21:31,685 No, try again. To the left. 412 00:21:31,686 --> 00:21:33,934 To the left, to the left... * Beyonce. 413 00:21:33,935 --> 00:21:35,344 You must not know 'bout me 414 00:21:35,345 --> 00:21:37,166 You must not know 'bout me... 415 00:21:37,786 --> 00:21:39,447 Sorry. I think we're always going to say 416 00:21:39,448 --> 00:21:40,826 To the left, to the left. 417 00:21:40,827 --> 00:21:43,499 Tell you for why, it's got pies on it. 418 00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:45,466 High five me, man-boobs. Bam! 419 00:21:45,467 --> 00:21:48,465 So, now it's time for one of my mantras. 420 00:21:48,466 --> 00:21:51,454 If you ever feel like a cake, 421 00:21:51,455 --> 00:21:52,835 stop yourself, 422 00:21:52,836 --> 00:21:54,362 have a carrot. 423 00:21:56,956 --> 00:21:58,914 Are you out of your tiny mind? 424 00:21:58,915 --> 00:22:01,026 - Sorry, still a bit Beyonce! - Pipe down! 425 00:22:01,027 --> 00:22:04,595 Look I am just trying to help you help yourself. 426 00:22:04,596 --> 00:22:06,655 - Say what? - Help yourself. 427 00:22:06,656 --> 00:22:07,926 Thank you very much. 428 00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:10,156 No, not to the buffet, sit down! 429 00:22:11,816 --> 00:22:14,296 It's like Jurassic Park in leggings! Get back! 430 00:22:17,156 --> 00:22:18,726 Stevie! What are you doing here? 431 00:22:18,727 --> 00:22:20,296 Running away from Mum. You? 432 00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,216 Running away from Tilly. 433 00:22:23,346 --> 00:22:24,906 Aw, missed you. 434 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,594 Listen, I've advertised for a new shop manager. 435 00:22:28,595 --> 00:22:30,765 Are you really happy in your job? Yes. 436 00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:33,052 Because it's so important to be in fun dynamic work 437 00:22:33,053 --> 00:22:35,403 with colleagues who are tall, beautiful, hilair, 438 00:22:35,404 --> 00:22:38,315 bit model-like, who could I be talking about? Me. 439 00:22:39,376 --> 00:22:42,375 - Miranda! - Stevie! 440 00:22:42,376 --> 00:22:45,906 - We need partners for Banzai! - Fetch the fatty! 441 00:22:49,154 --> 00:22:51,775 - Oh, you look ridiculous. - I have to hold them when running. 442 00:22:52,686 --> 00:22:54,046 Quick! 443 00:22:57,305 --> 00:23:00,487 Sometimes in our lives 444 00:23:00,654 --> 00:23:02,747 We all have pain 445 00:23:03,085 --> 00:23:06,224 We all have sorrow 446 00:23:07,071 --> 00:23:10,375 But if we hold hands 447 00:23:10,376 --> 00:23:12,585 We know that there's 448 00:23:13,001 --> 00:23:15,565 Always tomorrow 449 00:23:15,566 --> 00:23:17,675 Lean on me 450 00:23:17,676 --> 00:23:20,466 When you're not strong 451 00:23:20,467 --> 00:23:22,975 I'll be your friend 452 00:23:22,976 --> 00:23:26,016 I'll help you carry on... 453 00:23:27,426 --> 00:23:29,802 That's so my thing! I've found my activity, 454 00:23:29,803 --> 00:23:32,406 - wasn't that me? - It was so you, maybe it's me. 455 00:23:32,873 --> 00:23:35,543 Somebody to lean on. 456 00:23:36,173 --> 00:23:37,710 So not you. So not me. 457 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:41,010 Stevie, I can see the reporter. 458 00:23:41,731 --> 00:23:43,467 I'm going to... Right. 459 00:23:45,846 --> 00:23:47,816 Lean on me... 460 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,614 Mr News Reporter? Sorry to bother you. 461 00:23:51,615 --> 00:23:54,424 I've got a really important question about your obesity report. 462 00:23:54,425 --> 00:23:56,024 You see, I was in it at the end. 463 00:23:56,025 --> 00:23:58,604 Does that mean that I was part of it? Oh, poor you. 464 00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,771 No, no, we wouldn't do that. No, we were panning across. 465 00:24:00,772 --> 00:24:03,105 No, I mean you're...you're lovely. 466 00:24:03,106 --> 00:24:04,700 Oh, gosh. Really? Thanks. 467 00:24:04,792 --> 00:24:07,556 Stop it. Really? Stop it. Lovely? Really? 468 00:24:07,557 --> 00:24:10,583 Stop it. Really? Stop it. Really? 469 00:24:10,584 --> 00:24:12,385 Stop it. Lovely? Really? 470 00:24:12,386 --> 00:24:13,823 Stop it. 471 00:24:14,006 --> 00:24:15,230 Stop it. 472 00:24:17,256 --> 00:24:20,165 Stevie! It was panning, I'm not obese! 473 00:24:20,166 --> 00:24:22,729 She's not obese 474 00:24:22,730 --> 00:24:26,414 It was panning. 475 00:24:27,256 --> 00:24:29,731 No, Stevie hasn't replied. Well, at least we're friends, 476 00:24:29,732 --> 00:24:31,122 I'm meeting her for a coffee after this. 477 00:24:31,123 --> 00:24:36,055 We have one applicant. Patricia Nelson and her CV says 478 00:24:36,056 --> 00:24:40,143 "I am the one and only, no other I'd rather be." 479 00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:42,600 Good luck. 480 00:24:43,408 --> 00:24:47,516 Good morning. I'm Patricia Nelson. I have an interview at 10. 481 00:24:48,106 --> 00:24:49,974 Good morning, Patricia Nelson? 482 00:24:49,975 --> 00:24:51,906 Patricia Nelson, good morning. 483 00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:54,335 Good morning, Patricia Nelson. 484 00:24:54,336 --> 00:24:56,650 - Do take a seat, please. - Kind regards. 485 00:24:57,418 --> 00:24:59,305 So, Patricia Nelson. 486 00:24:59,306 --> 00:25:00,996 Patricia Nelson, thank you. 487 00:25:00,997 --> 00:25:03,609 Thank you and kind regards. 488 00:25:03,610 --> 00:25:05,776 Well, I just have one key question really, for you, 489 00:25:05,777 --> 00:25:07,871 Patricia Nelson, 490 00:25:08,368 --> 00:25:10,236 what two main skills do you think I'm looking for, 491 00:25:10,237 --> 00:25:11,798 please, thank you, to you, please? 492 00:25:11,799 --> 00:25:14,348 Well, one, I can fall off a very high stool 493 00:25:14,349 --> 00:25:16,215 without injuring myself. 494 00:25:16,283 --> 00:25:20,517 And, B, I do a surprisingly effective Heather Small impression. 495 00:25:21,744 --> 00:25:23,750 Most excellent. Well, Patricia Nelson 496 00:25:23,751 --> 00:25:25,322 I'm so sorry to cut this so short 497 00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,198 but I'm actually meeting a friend for a coffee. 498 00:25:27,199 --> 00:25:30,624 - Oh, I, Patricia Nelson, am also. - Isn't that weird? 499 00:25:30,625 --> 00:25:33,574 Yes. I look forward to hearing from you. Kind regards. 500 00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:36,206 Kind regards and best wishes hence forward to you. 501 00:25:39,977 --> 00:25:41,735 Oh, hi, Stevie. 502 00:25:41,736 --> 00:25:43,844 Oh, hi. Hi there. So what's new? 503 00:25:43,845 --> 00:25:45,956 Oh, I've just come from a job interview. 504 00:25:45,957 --> 00:25:47,965 Have you? How did that go? 505 00:25:47,966 --> 00:25:49,424 Well, she seemed all right. 506 00:25:49,425 --> 00:25:51,319 It was a she interviewing although 507 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,512 hard to tell initially. Big hands. 508 00:25:54,513 --> 00:25:55,794 How goes it with you? 509 00:25:55,795 --> 00:25:58,606 I'm actually interviewing for the new shop manager. 510 00:25:58,607 --> 00:26:01,012 Oh! Yeah, just saw a tiny woman. 511 00:26:01,013 --> 00:26:04,227 Thought she was coming round for her Brownie badge. 512 00:26:04,228 --> 00:26:06,755 Well, I think my interviewer might have been wearing 513 00:26:06,756 --> 00:26:09,646 an elasticated maternity jean. 514 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,421 I would have thought that very unlikely. 515 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,494 They're SO comfortable. 516 00:26:16,029 --> 00:26:17,553 Well, will you just excuse me, actually, 517 00:26:17,554 --> 00:26:18,700 cos I've just got to ring my 518 00:26:18,701 --> 00:26:22,198 Jimmy Cranky-esque interviewee, so... 519 00:26:23,786 --> 00:26:27,721 Isn't that weird? Do excuse me. Yes, of course. 520 00:26:28,174 --> 00:26:30,396 - Hello? - Hello, is that Patricia Nelson? 521 00:26:30,397 --> 00:26:32,125 Patricia Nelson speaking. 522 00:26:32,126 --> 00:26:34,751 Hello, Patricia Nelson, just to say you've got the job. 523 00:26:35,686 --> 00:26:37,095 Miranda... 524 00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:38,546 It was me! 525 00:26:40,476 --> 00:26:42,428 Well, yes, I know! 526 00:26:43,336 --> 00:26:45,199 Well, when did you guess? 527 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,544 The minute you came in, you idiot! 528 00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:50,298 Right, come on. Let's get our shop back. 529 00:26:50,299 --> 00:26:51,733 You've got to ring and make an appointment 530 00:26:51,734 --> 00:26:53,700 with Dick Twist immediately. Go! 531 00:26:56,036 --> 00:26:57,114 Sounds exciting. 532 00:26:57,115 --> 00:26:59,224 Yes. And, listen, you were right, OK? 533 00:26:59,225 --> 00:27:02,420 I hadn't forgiven you, so here is me letting go. 534 00:27:02,421 --> 00:27:04,217 - I'm sorry. - And I'm sorry that 535 00:27:04,218 --> 00:27:07,270 - I never said. - No, it's OK. Friends? 536 00:27:08,036 --> 00:27:10,466 We've got Dick Twist's last appointment! 537 00:27:10,467 --> 00:27:11,760 Emergency walk. 538 00:27:11,806 --> 00:27:13,946 Long way up, short way down. Go. 539 00:27:18,166 --> 00:27:19,755 I think it's time. 540 00:27:19,756 --> 00:27:23,796 What have you done today to make you feel proud? 541 00:27:24,776 --> 00:27:26,465 Got our shop back. 542 00:27:27,816 --> 00:27:29,056 Step to the left. 543 00:27:30,166 --> 00:27:31,459 Step to the right. 544 00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:34,425 Superb, Sue Perb. 545 00:27:35,696 --> 00:27:37,180 And twist. 546 00:27:38,039 --> 00:27:40,298 Twist, Dick. Dick, twist. 547 00:27:40,950 --> 00:27:41,763 Funny! 548 00:27:44,739 --> 00:27:47,390 Now, let's celebrate good times, come on! 549 00:27:49,773 --> 00:27:51,959 Do listen to the end of my newsletter. 550 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,005 "And, finally to Miranda, 551 00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:58,568 "Who has resurrected a boutique in difficult economic times. 552 00:27:58,569 --> 00:28:01,569 "She is the creator of the latest fitness craze 553 00:28:01,570 --> 00:28:07,198 "And the dashing news reporter said she was lovely, not obese." 554 00:28:07,199 --> 00:28:10,199 - Happy Christmas! - Happy Christmas! 555 00:28:10,854 --> 00:28:14,156 So will government provision help these geriatric, 556 00:28:14,157 --> 00:28:16,579 frail unfortunates at the end of their lives 557 00:28:16,580 --> 00:28:18,554 to keep warm this winter? 558 00:28:18,779 --> 00:28:22,421 This is Michael Jackford with the elderly and infirm. 559 00:28:32,455 --> 00:28:34,399 It was panning! 560 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,838 She's not old It was panning! 561 00:28:38,839 --> 00:28:42,868 Lean on me, when you're not strong 562 00:28:42,869 --> 00:28:44,038 Happy Christmas! 563 00:28:44,039 --> 00:28:46,148 I'll be your friend 564 00:28:46,149 --> 00:28:49,668 I'll help you carry on 565 00:28:49,669 --> 00:28:54,118 For it won't be long 566 00:28:54,119 --> 00:28:56,123 Til I'm going to need 567 00:28:56,124 --> 00:28:59,537 Somebody to lean on 568 00:28:59,538 --> 00:29:00,449 Just call 569 00:29:15,259 --> 00:29:17,048 We all We all need 570 00:29:17,049 --> 00:29:20,749 Somebody to lean on... 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 41996

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