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1
00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:04,830
Well, hello to you, and a
hearty, Happy Christmas!
2
00:00:05,030 --> 00:00:08,421
Oh, I've missed you.
Thrilled to be reunited.
3
00:00:08,422 --> 00:00:12,142
Thank you for dressing up
or down, in some cases.
4
00:00:12,143 --> 00:00:14,250
And to those for undressing, I'm flattered,
5
00:00:14,251 --> 00:00:16,882
but put them back on, please.
It's weird. OK.
6
00:00:16,912 --> 00:00:18,990
Right, catch-up time. Firstly,
7
00:00:18,991 --> 00:00:21,661
Gary. Well, we've agreed just friends.
8
00:00:21,662 --> 00:00:23,505
No, it's the right thing to do
9
00:00:23,506 --> 00:00:26,311
and easier than our attempts at romance.
10
00:00:29,094 --> 00:00:30,800
- Ooh! Are you OK?
- Yeah. Mm hmm.
11
00:00:30,801 --> 00:00:33,046
Yeah? Just... just give us a minute.
12
00:00:51,052 --> 00:00:52,577
Want a bit of this?
13
00:00:53,613 --> 00:00:57,341
Now, Mum, she's on a mission
to get me trim 'n fit.
14
00:00:57,352 --> 00:01:00,319
It's not working. Mini mince pie? Mine!
15
00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:03,392
But she did force me to her
and Tilly's Zumba class.
16
00:01:05,006 --> 00:01:06,700
Next move!
17
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,373
Oh no, that's sexual.
Sorry, I'm not doing that.
18
00:01:09,612 --> 00:01:11,053
And find partners!
19
00:01:11,412 --> 00:01:12,752
Oh, well. When in Rome.
20
00:01:13,901 --> 00:01:14,976
Flirt!
21
00:01:15,510 --> 00:01:18,028
Hi, I'm gymnastics level 2.
22
00:01:20,257 --> 00:01:22,328
And now to reveal my big bulletin.
23
00:01:22,329 --> 00:01:23,819
Not a euphemism.
24
00:01:23,820 --> 00:01:27,513
My lovely shop has gone under. I know!
25
00:01:27,514 --> 00:01:29,798
Well, we hit hard times, and Stevie said
26
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,907
I wasn't taking the business seriously.
27
00:01:31,939 --> 00:01:35,457
And you really thought maracas would sell?
28
00:01:37,202 --> 00:01:39,118
Please, for once, just focus.
29
00:01:39,119 --> 00:01:40,451
Now, if we sell...
30
00:01:40,452 --> 00:01:43,498
- Celebrate good times...
- Right! That's it. I quit!
31
00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:44,515
Oh no! Stevie, wait!
32
00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,478
Biscuit Blizzard, yeah?
33
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:56,200
So Stevie's got some executive
job, but on a positive note,
34
00:01:56,201 --> 00:01:58,312
it's cake and sherry night tonight -
35
00:01:58,313 --> 00:01:59,999
Yes, I am 80 -
36
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:03,141
to celebrate MY new job starting tomorrow.
37
00:02:03,142 --> 00:02:06,012
Admin assistant at your service.
38
00:02:07,984 --> 00:02:09,400
Cue titles.
39
00:02:23,162 --> 00:02:26,811
Santa Claus is coming to town
40
00:02:26,812 --> 00:02:29,999
He sees you when you're sleeping
41
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,450
He knows when you're awake...
42
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:33,852
Right, you want to learn
to marzipan the cake?
43
00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:36,141
- Yes, Madam.
- OK.
44
00:02:36,142 --> 00:02:37,831
Oh! No! No, no, no, no.
45
00:02:37,832 --> 00:02:41,099
Much more gently than that. That's it.
Just smooth it.
46
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:44,862
We're interrupting!
47
00:02:44,863 --> 00:02:48,291
Queen Kong, Gary! You were
on the brink of a kiss.
48
00:02:48,292 --> 00:02:49,781
Totes brinkulating.
49
00:02:49,782 --> 00:02:50,861
No!
50
00:02:50,862 --> 00:02:52,529
We're just friends. We are hanging.
51
00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:53,580
We are sorting it.
52
00:02:53,581 --> 00:02:54,940
"We" this, "We" that.
53
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:56,482
Yeah, can you stop "Weeing"?
54
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,352
Can you stop "Weeing"?
55
00:03:00,353 --> 00:03:02,263
Because of the connotation.
56
00:03:03,895 --> 00:03:05,477
Can you stop "Weeing"?
57
00:03:06,432 --> 00:03:07,740
So where have you been?
58
00:03:07,741 --> 00:03:10,423
You're late for sherry and a slice night.
59
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:13,529
We've been trying some evening classes.
We just did Kendo.
60
00:03:13,530 --> 00:03:15,527
It's fun, yet... yet violent.
61
00:03:15,802 --> 00:03:18,107
We-oh-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
62
00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:19,752
It's quite moi!
63
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:23,170
And then we did Aqua-French, and
that was quite moi as well.
64
00:03:23,171 --> 00:03:24,945
I love being single. It's brilliant.
65
00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:27,599
As professional executives,
66
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,240
it's important we find our
extracurricular activity.
67
00:03:30,241 --> 00:03:32,516
Yeah, it's all about the hobby dobby doo.
68
00:03:33,562 --> 00:03:36,098
Hobbying with our new
bestfriend Tilly, are we?
69
00:03:36,099 --> 00:03:37,349
Oh, putting "Are we" after a fact
70
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,514
to be passive aggressive, are we?
71
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,992
Strutting like a rabid Smurf, are we?
72
00:03:44,302 --> 00:03:47,591
Got a bit of marzipan
on our cheek, have we?
73
00:03:47,592 --> 00:03:49,459
Getting the "Are we" wrong and
saying "Have we" instead of
74
00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:51,809
"Are we", are we? I won!
75
00:03:53,286 --> 00:03:55,527
Oh, come here. You have
got marzipan, actually.
76
00:03:56,789 --> 00:03:58,042
Are you feeling on the brink?
77
00:03:58,043 --> 00:04:00,802
Maybe a bit brinky, yeah.
78
00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:01,882
We must be brinkless Gary.
79
00:04:01,883 --> 00:04:03,600
Sorry, no brinking.
80
00:04:03,635 --> 00:04:05,943
It's just you were cutely vulnerable.
81
00:04:06,152 --> 00:04:09,335
And you teaching was manly and dominant.
82
00:04:10,695 --> 00:04:12,901
On the brink!
83
00:04:12,902 --> 00:04:15,431
Brinkle, brinkle, Little star
84
00:04:15,432 --> 00:04:18,101
How I wonder what you are.
85
00:04:18,102 --> 00:04:21,810
Miranda, darling. I've had another
GHASTLY Christmas newsletter.
86
00:04:21,811 --> 00:04:24,060
And hello to you, Mum. Christmas cheer.
87
00:04:24,061 --> 00:04:25,298
Stop it. We're British,
88
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,432
sober and no-one's going to prison.
89
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:31,931
Cheers. This one's from
the Lumley-Kendalls.
90
00:04:31,932 --> 00:04:35,857
"Baby Nelson said his first
two words, 'good shot'.
91
00:04:36,952 --> 00:04:39,670
"Tarquin is rowing to
the Sudan to take them
92
00:04:39,671 --> 00:04:42,595
"pate as part of his
Duke of Edinburgh Award.
93
00:04:43,512 --> 00:04:47,311
"And Latoya lost three stone
doing charity fun runs
94
00:04:47,312 --> 00:04:50,348
"and marries a Duke in
the spring." So smug.
95
00:04:50,349 --> 00:04:53,687
Plus, Mrs Lumely-Kendall thought I was 64.
96
00:04:53,688 --> 00:04:56,479
- You are 64.
- I just turned 52.
97
00:04:58,147 --> 00:04:59,400
For a newsletter like that.
98
00:04:59,401 --> 00:05:02,222
All I could say was,
"Miranda's a fat temp."
99
00:05:02,223 --> 00:05:03,392
Harsh!
100
00:05:04,932 --> 00:05:07,459
Right, dashing home ASAP.
101
00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:10,792
I've got an appointment with
your father to exfoliate his...
102
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,412
- Right, here we go.
- That looks delicious!
103
00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:17,404
- Thanks, Gary.
- Yum!
104
00:05:17,405 --> 00:05:18,709
'A new report suggests up to
105
00:05:18,710 --> 00:05:22,001
65% of us 'could now be considered obese.'
106
00:05:22,002 --> 00:05:23,971
How do people GET like that?
107
00:05:23,972 --> 00:05:25,091
Don't know!
108
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:27,811
'This is Michael Jackford
for Southern News.'
109
00:05:36,342 --> 00:05:37,551
Was that me?
110
00:05:38,102 --> 00:05:40,957
Was I just at the end of an obesity report?
111
00:05:43,562 --> 00:05:47,510
Shocker! Lat mousse! Which
you probably want to scoff!
112
00:05:48,442 --> 00:05:50,742
Obese-Wan Ken-Obiste!
113
00:05:51,796 --> 00:05:54,313
I'm not obese. The camera was
just panning away, wasn't it?
114
00:05:54,314 --> 00:05:56,555
Oh yeah, yeah, no. It was moving off.
The camera was panning.
115
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:58,127
That was weird!
116
00:05:58,128 --> 00:06:00,599
YOU! On the telly! Weird!
117
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,542
Of ALL the people to get on the telly.
118
00:06:03,736 --> 00:06:06,115
REALLY weird!
119
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:07,512
Yes, thank you.
120
00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:12,592
Right, we are, of course,
gathere'ed here tonight
121
00:06:12,593 --> 00:06:16,471
to toast ahoy and welcome
aboard my hearty -
122
00:06:16,472 --> 00:06:19,014
oh, I've gone sort of posh pirate - to...
123
00:06:19,665 --> 00:06:21,618
my new job.
124
00:06:22,125 --> 00:06:22,857
Your new job.
125
00:06:22,858 --> 00:06:24,160
- Your new job.
- Jobulous.
126
00:06:24,161 --> 00:06:27,656
And, of course, we say a bon
voyage to the shop, which in...
127
00:06:28,309 --> 00:06:29,657
- Delicious.
- Excuse me, what are you doing?
128
00:06:29,658 --> 00:06:30,530
I'm doing a speech.
129
00:06:30,531 --> 00:06:32,880
A sweeps take for when you'll be fired.
130
00:06:32,881 --> 00:06:34,192
I'm going ten past nine.
131
00:06:34,193 --> 00:06:35,775
I START at nine.
132
00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:38,972
Five past nine.
133
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:44,599
Rude! You forget I am a slick chick.
134
00:06:51,682 --> 00:06:54,900
Isn't it full? Isn't it...
isn't it full? Oh, no?
135
00:06:54,912 --> 00:06:55,954
Hello!
136
00:06:56,322 --> 00:06:57,023
I've had relationships with
137
00:06:57,024 --> 00:06:58,968
less physical contact than this.
138
00:06:59,742 --> 00:07:02,232
- Are you holding my hand?
- No.
139
00:07:04,784 --> 00:07:07,078
Inappropriately close to
someone else's teeth.
140
00:07:08,942 --> 00:07:10,242
Egg breath!
141
00:07:16,472 --> 00:07:19,998
OK, I can do this. Deep breath.
142
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,650
Ooh, my goodness!
143
00:07:31,802 --> 00:07:35,217
Hi, morning. I've just got a very hot leg.
144
00:07:47,882 --> 00:07:49,713
Sorry. I'm from the agency.
145
00:07:49,954 --> 00:07:52,048
Temp, not escort!
146
00:07:52,049 --> 00:07:53,077
Not "Your 9 o'clock's here,
147
00:07:53,078 --> 00:07:54,491
big and busty".
148
00:07:54,492 --> 00:07:56,272
Looking at you but not listening.
149
00:07:56,273 --> 00:07:57,985
Right, this is your area.
150
00:07:57,986 --> 00:07:59,180
Do you hear what I am saying?
151
00:07:59,181 --> 00:08:01,060
Well I do, yes, in that I'm not deaf.
152
00:08:01,061 --> 00:08:02,932
I'll get you a pass and a fob.
153
00:08:02,933 --> 00:08:04,241
Fob?
154
00:08:04,242 --> 00:08:06,120
That's Sue. This is Emma. I'm Emma.
155
00:08:06,121 --> 00:08:08,880
Just one thing, what does
the company actually do?
156
00:08:08,881 --> 00:08:11,230
We provide strategic planning
and data support and recently
157
00:08:11,231 --> 00:08:13,498
creative new media to blue-chip
financial service companies
158
00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:15,461
across Hampshire and the Thames Valley...
159
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,398
The new media boss is
coming in this morning?
160
00:08:17,399 --> 00:08:19,495
New boss. Do you hear what I'm saying?
161
00:08:20,097 --> 00:08:22,001
I hear you say that but I don't really know
162
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,322
- what you're saying.
- I totally hear what you're saying.
163
00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:26,631
But she only really said "Do
you hear what I'm saying?"
164
00:08:28,023 --> 00:08:30,356
It's fine, you know. I'll catch the lingo.
165
00:08:30,357 --> 00:08:32,098
You know, you're just a bit younger.
166
00:08:32,099 --> 00:08:35,038
- So what? What year where you born?
- 1991?
167
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,037
That's only just happened!
168
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:40,482
No, you've got that wrong.
169
00:08:40,483 --> 00:08:42,821
Nice outfit, by the way.
170
00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:44,472
Thanks, dudes. Yup, sure.
171
00:08:44,473 --> 00:08:46,571
Longhurst, Bailey and...
172
00:08:46,572 --> 00:08:48,592
What's the... What's the company?
173
00:08:48,593 --> 00:08:50,807
Longhurst, Bailey... Longhurst...
174
00:08:52,392 --> 00:08:55,581
Longhurst, Bailey and Nn-uhh.
175
00:08:55,582 --> 00:08:58,822
Yes, yes. Certainly. I'll put you through.
Just, umm...
176
00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:09,853
Longhurst, Bailey and Uh-oh?
177
00:09:10,892 --> 00:09:12,464
What company?
178
00:09:12,465 --> 00:09:14,890
Sorry, yes, hello, won't keep you long.
179
00:09:14,891 --> 00:09:18,122
Please hold, your call is
important to us, please hold.
180
00:09:18,312 --> 00:09:20,435
Do you want to play biscuit blizzard?
181
00:09:21,452 --> 00:09:24,096
All so serious. Where are the larks?
182
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,015
Oh, I miss Stevie and the shop!
183
00:09:27,122 --> 00:09:29,142
The drawing pins have been laid.
184
00:09:29,143 --> 00:09:31,201
It's time for Hopper roulette.
185
00:09:31,202 --> 00:09:33,781
Gladiators, mount your hoppers.
186
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,422
Go!
187
00:09:41,892 --> 00:09:44,892
I'm going to have to pick
it up and say a rude word.
188
00:09:46,772 --> 00:09:47,992
Spasm.
189
00:09:49,162 --> 00:09:50,980
Right, listen up.
190
00:09:52,144 --> 00:09:53,312
Sheath.
191
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,516
- Sorry.
- New boss.
192
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,470
Right guys, I want to get a
feel for how we all tick.
193
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:03,606
All right? Let's go around the room -
194
00:10:03,607 --> 00:10:05,991
names, hobbies, top strength.
195
00:10:05,992 --> 00:10:07,632
You, top strength, go!
196
00:10:10,049 --> 00:10:11,136
Must have one.
197
00:10:12,717 --> 00:10:14,102
Height!
198
00:10:15,502 --> 00:10:18,505
- You, go.
- Susan Perb. Call me Sue.
199
00:10:18,882 --> 00:10:20,242
- Sue Perb?
- Yes.
200
00:10:20,243 --> 00:10:24,315
Sue Perb? How is that not funny?
201
00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:25,962
Nothing from anyone.
202
00:10:25,963 --> 00:10:27,551
She's called Sue Perb!
203
00:10:27,552 --> 00:10:30,271
- What?
- What?!
204
00:10:30,272 --> 00:10:32,521
Right, OK. That is it,
205
00:10:32,522 --> 00:10:36,659
I cannot work with people who
don't find that properly funny.
206
00:10:37,772 --> 00:10:39,715
Have you ever walked past this meeting room
207
00:10:39,716 --> 00:10:42,501
and flashed during an important meeting?
208
00:10:42,502 --> 00:10:44,521
If not, why not?
209
00:10:44,522 --> 00:10:46,638
Youth is for at least the odd lark which is
210
00:10:46,639 --> 00:10:51,626
why I am determined to get
my beautiful shop back.
211
00:11:01,352 --> 00:11:03,652
Funny! Fact!
212
00:11:05,802 --> 00:11:07,960
You're taking the shop off the market?
213
00:11:07,961 --> 00:11:11,050
Brilliant! Oh, we should
celebrate, as friends, obviously.
214
00:11:11,051 --> 00:11:13,120
- Movie and take away?
- Void of brink.
215
00:11:13,121 --> 00:11:14,660
- Tonight, yeah?
- Definitely.
216
00:11:14,661 --> 00:11:16,020
Er, what are you doing tonight?
217
00:11:16,021 --> 00:11:17,956
I thought it was Miranda and Stevie's
218
00:11:17,957 --> 00:11:20,620
Meet At Six For Chick Flicks
Pic'n'Mix And Bix Fix.
219
00:11:20,621 --> 00:11:23,190
No, I'm going to celebrate
trying to get the shop back.
220
00:11:23,191 --> 00:11:24,700
Oh, Stevie, will you come back?
221
00:11:24,701 --> 00:11:26,245
Stevie's an executive now.
222
00:11:26,246 --> 00:11:27,835
- Oh, is Stevie?
- Yes, Stevie is.
223
00:11:27,836 --> 00:11:30,657
She manages the retail
appointments at a recruitment...
224
00:11:30,658 --> 00:11:32,519
It was just white noise.
225
00:11:38,527 --> 00:11:42,086
Part of a televisual obese campaign?
226
00:11:42,087 --> 00:11:43,921
It was panning.
227
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,718
Right, Christmas is confiscated
until you've detoxed
228
00:11:47,719 --> 00:11:49,447
and lost weight for the Lumley-Kendall's
229
00:11:49,448 --> 00:11:52,381
Cashmere-Sweater-Themed-
Christingle-Pringle-Mingle.
230
00:11:54,208 --> 00:11:57,986
Your father's made some
Michael Buble baubles.
231
00:11:57,987 --> 00:11:59,820
Such fun!
232
00:12:01,384 --> 00:12:03,607
Oh, she wouldn't confiscate
Christmas, would she?
233
00:12:03,608 --> 00:12:07,076
I mean, all the food and
the pressies and the food
234
00:12:07,077 --> 00:12:10,520
and the music and the food and the food
235
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:14,626
and the fires and the food and the food.
236
00:12:15,461 --> 00:12:17,247
And the food.
237
00:12:17,277 --> 00:12:20,296
You SHOULD detox, you're
obsessed with food.
238
00:12:20,297 --> 00:12:23,245
I am not detoxing. You have to
eat things called pearl barley
239
00:12:23,246 --> 00:12:25,825
and you know my rule, I
will not eat something that
240
00:12:25,826 --> 00:12:28,139
sounds like a character
in Coronation Street.
241
00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:31,060
There's loads of great,
healthy things out there.
242
00:12:31,061 --> 00:12:33,243
I could make you a
sugar-free beetroot cake.
243
00:12:39,057 --> 00:12:42,051
A sugar-free beetroot cake?
244
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:44,361
What next? A pea and ham sponge?
245
00:12:44,362 --> 00:12:46,098
I don't know. I'm out of here
246
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,707
cos I've got to make an appointment
with a business manager,
247
00:12:48,708 --> 00:12:50,482
do you hear what I am saying?
248
00:12:54,377 --> 00:12:57,475
Tripped! I meant to, I
meant to go out like that.
249
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,900
Like a little pony doing dressage.
250
00:13:06,467 --> 00:13:08,445
A five, six, seven, eight.
251
00:13:08,446 --> 00:13:11,626
Rockin' around the Christmas tree...
252
00:13:11,627 --> 00:13:14,158
..At the Christmas party hop
253
00:13:15,047 --> 00:13:18,225
Mistletoe hung where you can see
254
00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:21,086
Every couple tries to stop...
255
00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:24,795
I'm just so bored of the shop accounts.
256
00:13:24,796 --> 00:13:28,037
Right, well listen don't tell
your mum but pizza, popcorn,
257
00:13:28,038 --> 00:13:30,397
horror film, anti-romance. Great.
258
00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,630
Ooh, yum! Oh, smells good!
259
00:13:33,631 --> 00:13:35,402
Er, you. OK. Thanks.
260
00:13:51,142 --> 00:13:52,217
Sorry. Sorry.
261
00:13:52,218 --> 00:13:53,817
Can you not get popcorn everywhere?
262
00:13:53,818 --> 00:13:55,969
Sorry, the husks travel.
263
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:59,047
Husks. That's an excellent word, isn't it?
264
00:13:59,347 --> 00:14:01,057
Husks.
265
00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:04,198
Husks.
266
00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:12,986
I don't want to watch
but I can't not watch.
267
00:14:12,987 --> 00:14:14,511
It's like Boris Johnson.
268
00:14:18,927 --> 00:14:21,609
Oh no! The electricity bill.
269
00:14:24,707 --> 00:14:27,187
You've got that look on your face. What?
270
00:14:27,188 --> 00:14:30,345
No, I was thinking about the girl
in the film, she's quite cute.
271
00:14:30,527 --> 00:14:32,297
Oh, really?
272
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:34,619
Oh, well. If you like that kind of spindly,
273
00:14:34,620 --> 00:14:36,325
button-nosed kind of you could use her
274
00:14:36,326 --> 00:14:38,305
as a toothpick kind of thing, then, fine,
275
00:14:38,306 --> 00:14:39,740
then track her down, she might be
276
00:14:39,741 --> 00:14:41,395
in Hong Kong, you could marry her.
277
00:14:41,396 --> 00:14:43,785
I knew it! I knew you hadn't forgiven me.
278
00:14:43,786 --> 00:14:45,665
I married Tamara for a green card.
279
00:14:45,666 --> 00:14:47,059
Green card, yeah, yeah.
280
00:14:48,152 --> 00:14:49,840
They're coming to get us!
281
00:14:50,126 --> 00:14:53,076
Put the pizza down. Mum!
282
00:14:53,077 --> 00:14:57,301
Penny. I smell fat people.
283
00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,798
I have an appointment with Miranda at 9.
284
00:15:01,799 --> 00:15:03,345
- Yes, that's me.
- Good morning.
285
00:15:03,346 --> 00:15:04,789
Good morning. Shall we?
286
00:15:12,987 --> 00:15:15,694
My name is Dick Twist.
287
00:15:18,387 --> 00:15:20,776
Dick Twist! Why not?
288
00:15:20,777 --> 00:15:23,636
I received your application for a loan.
289
00:15:23,637 --> 00:15:26,355
So let's go over your particulars. Cheeky!
290
00:15:27,437 --> 00:15:28,417
Right.
291
00:15:28,457 --> 00:15:30,112
Now, your application is
292
00:15:30,113 --> 00:15:32,545
not what we'd normally expect.
For starters,
293
00:15:32,546 --> 00:15:34,385
time at current address -
294
00:15:34,386 --> 00:15:36,063
11.30?
295
00:15:36,997 --> 00:15:40,549
Well, that was the time.
Yes, what's your collateral?
296
00:15:40,550 --> 00:15:41,917
Oh, it's really high I'm afraid.
297
00:15:41,918 --> 00:15:43,799
I try and stay off cream.
298
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,114
Yes, I think until you get a manager with
299
00:15:46,115 --> 00:15:49,383
a clear business plan to assess all the...
No, wait, Mr Twist.
300
00:15:49,384 --> 00:15:52,185
I do have an idea that
will be really profitable
301
00:15:52,186 --> 00:15:54,316
if I can just get my maracas out.
302
00:15:54,967 --> 00:15:56,999
Not that. Yes, I was going to say
303
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,150
I don't think that would
be very profitable at all.
304
00:16:00,207 --> 00:16:04,466
Right well, if Zumba is such a craze, yes?
305
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:07,508
What about Maraca-class?
306
00:16:08,917 --> 00:16:10,100
Yeah?
307
00:16:10,278 --> 00:16:12,576
Look at that. Ooh! A bit saucy!
308
00:16:12,577 --> 00:16:16,607
Arms out, arms -
look at that! Let's try it with music.
309
00:16:18,247 --> 00:16:21,221
Oh! Yeah?
310
00:16:21,222 --> 00:16:23,566
I am a one-woman fiesta.
311
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,241
Imagine me with a Brazilian.
312
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:28,511
Forget I said that.
313
00:16:30,397 --> 00:16:33,832
Any minute now I think you'll
think, "Yeah, this is an idea."
314
00:16:42,397 --> 00:16:44,204
Was that Ross Kemp?
315
00:16:48,277 --> 00:16:49,845
They're repossessing the shop.
316
00:16:49,846 --> 00:16:52,707
On Friday. I've defaulted
my mortgage payments.
317
00:16:52,708 --> 00:16:56,736
That is the final straw. You
are an obese destitute.
318
00:16:56,737 --> 00:16:59,686
It was panning. Obese destitute.
319
00:16:59,687 --> 00:17:01,800
Can't write that in my newsletter, can I?
320
00:17:02,227 --> 00:17:05,077
Now you look here -
Mummy will save the shop,
321
00:17:05,078 --> 00:17:07,698
manage the business if you
come to Eaters Anonymous.
322
00:17:07,699 --> 00:17:10,565
- Even the notion!
- Right. No Christmas.
323
00:17:10,566 --> 00:17:12,898
Fine. I do not want to
hang with you and Dad
324
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,071
for two days being
subjected to Dad's yearly
325
00:17:15,072 --> 00:17:18,015
one-man performance of the
Twelve Days of Christmas.
326
00:17:18,016 --> 00:17:20,845
No-one should have to see
his maids-a-milking!
327
00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:24,599
- Darling, what about his five gold rings?
- They are worse!
328
00:17:26,127 --> 00:17:28,515
But you could play with
your father's present.
329
00:17:28,516 --> 00:17:30,117
I've got him an eye patch.
330
00:17:30,118 --> 00:17:32,318
PAD. IPAD.
331
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,742
Why's it so irritating
when they get it wrong?
332
00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:35,981
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie,
333
00:17:35,982 --> 00:17:38,125
I really need your help now, it's serious.
334
00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:41,247
You made it very clear your friendship
allegiance is with Gary.
335
00:17:41,248 --> 00:17:43,655
I want nothing to do with her,
friends forgive each other.
336
00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,346
Oh, bear with, bear with.
337
00:17:46,636 --> 00:17:48,555
Bear with, bear with, bear with.
338
00:17:49,624 --> 00:17:51,907
Stinky says there's a woman doing Banzai,
339
00:17:51,908 --> 00:17:55,440
that's bonsai with aggressive bushes.
"Hurry...
340
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,410
"..To get a place." Oh, this is it!
341
00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,917
This is me!
342
00:18:00,175 --> 00:18:01,945
Oh! Me too, this can be MY thing!
343
00:18:01,946 --> 00:18:04,808
Oh, well, fine. You go off and
aggressively trim your bush.
344
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,052
And I've got a new business associate.
Introducing...
345
00:18:10,053 --> 00:18:11,456
Penny.
346
00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:14,775
- In your bonsai faces.
- Nice!
347
00:18:16,016 --> 00:18:16,995
Tripped. I meant to.
348
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,566
I meant to go out like this.
349
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:33,266
I am only doing this if you
come to Eater's Anonymous.
350
00:18:33,267 --> 00:18:34,710
Yes, Mummy.
351
00:18:34,716 --> 00:18:36,735
It'll be such fun.
352
00:18:36,736 --> 00:18:40,787
You're all very jolly,
aren't you, you...people?
353
00:18:46,576 --> 00:18:48,404
Thank you so much for coming back.
354
00:18:48,405 --> 00:18:49,936
Now, may I introduce you to my mother
355
00:18:49,937 --> 00:18:51,686
and business manager, Penny?
356
00:18:51,687 --> 00:18:54,083
- Dick Twist.
- I'm sorry?
357
00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:55,395
Dick Twist.
358
00:18:55,396 --> 00:18:58,204
- What's he saying?
- That's his name. Dick Twist.
359
00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,706
Dick Twist? Dick Twist.
360
00:18:59,707 --> 00:19:00,853
Dick Twist. Dick Twist.
361
00:19:00,854 --> 00:19:01,906
Dick Twist. Dick Twist.
362
00:19:01,907 --> 00:19:03,238
Husk!
363
00:19:03,690 --> 00:19:04,749
Sorry.
364
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,867
I am so sorry about earlier.
365
00:19:09,868 --> 00:19:11,868
As long as you don't get
your maracas out again.
366
00:19:11,869 --> 00:19:13,897
Oh, Miranda! I am so sorry.
367
00:19:13,898 --> 00:19:17,627
No-one needs to see the
mirudders as we call them.
368
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,011
They move independently,
369
00:19:20,012 --> 00:19:22,316
she has the nipple equivalent of a lazy eye.
370
00:19:25,586 --> 00:19:28,090
Right. Do you now have a business model
371
00:19:28,091 --> 00:19:29,616
so I can consider this loan?
372
00:19:29,617 --> 00:19:33,459
I certainly am a model -
Miss Goadalming, 1968.
373
00:19:33,830 --> 00:19:37,097
Gave it up to have children.
So, that was worthwhile.
374
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,115
Can you project for me profit and loss?
375
00:19:40,116 --> 00:19:42,864
Profit and l-o-o-o-o-ss!
376
00:19:44,456 --> 00:19:46,953
She's as incompetent as you are.
377
00:19:46,954 --> 00:19:49,763
Wait, please, Mr Twist,
what are my options?
378
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,776
Well, have you considered
getting a partner?
379
00:19:51,777 --> 00:19:54,599
Oh, we have tried and tried, Dick,
380
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,639
if you pardon the vernacular.
381
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:57,845
She couldn't attract a partner
382
00:19:57,846 --> 00:19:59,984
if you shoved a giant
magnet down her blouse
383
00:19:59,985 --> 00:20:02,476
and sat her next to a man
made of iron filings!
384
00:20:04,106 --> 00:20:07,396
Well, unless you find a manager
with a coherent business plan
385
00:20:07,397 --> 00:20:11,118
within the next 36 hours, the
bailiffs will repossess.
386
00:20:12,836 --> 00:20:16,494
Oh, no! Mummy! Oh, heavens.
You're going to get repossessed!
387
00:20:16,495 --> 00:20:20,627
You'd be a disaster in prison and
by that I mean very popular.
388
00:20:21,224 --> 00:20:25,199
I know, we'll advertise on the
interweb for a new manager.
389
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,857
We've just got time
before Eater's Anonymous.
390
00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:29,563
What's this?
391
00:20:29,564 --> 00:20:33,119
Chat With Lonely Oil Rig Workers.
392
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:34,841
That's just spam.
393
00:20:36,646 --> 00:20:40,807
Hi. Just a couple of
notices pre the weighing.
394
00:20:40,808 --> 00:20:43,174
Firstly, I've got a very heavy jean on.
395
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:46,002
Secondly, my breasts are quite heavy.
396
00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:47,493
I know that because I once weighed them
397
00:20:47,494 --> 00:20:49,200
to see how much they cost to post.
398
00:20:49,201 --> 00:20:50,899
Just step on, please.
399
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:54,638
Also, could we factor in that
at least 10% will be wind?
400
00:20:57,606 --> 00:20:59,612
Make that 7.5%.
401
00:21:00,276 --> 00:21:02,435
7%. Caught me unawares.
402
00:21:02,436 --> 00:21:03,846
- Get on.
- Yes.
403
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:07,743
I could be a jockey.
404
00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:09,616
Only if you had a massive horse.
405
00:21:11,196 --> 00:21:14,665
Gather. Gather, please, that's it.
Gather, please.
406
00:21:14,666 --> 00:21:18,606
Now, today, I want to focus on
a scenario to help you through
407
00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:20,914
this difficult Christmas period.
408
00:21:20,915 --> 00:21:22,426
So...
409
00:21:22,446 --> 00:21:28,215
which section to the left or
right looks the most delicious?
410
00:21:28,216 --> 00:21:29,715
To the left.
411
00:21:29,716 --> 00:21:31,685
No, try again. To the left.
412
00:21:31,686 --> 00:21:33,934
To the left, to the left... * Beyonce.
413
00:21:33,935 --> 00:21:35,344
You must not know 'bout me
414
00:21:35,345 --> 00:21:37,166
You must not know 'bout me...
415
00:21:37,786 --> 00:21:39,447
Sorry. I think we're always going to say
416
00:21:39,448 --> 00:21:40,826
To the left, to the left.
417
00:21:40,827 --> 00:21:43,499
Tell you for why, it's got pies on it.
418
00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:45,466
High five me, man-boobs. Bam!
419
00:21:45,467 --> 00:21:48,465
So, now it's time for one of my mantras.
420
00:21:48,466 --> 00:21:51,454
If you ever feel like a cake,
421
00:21:51,455 --> 00:21:52,835
stop yourself,
422
00:21:52,836 --> 00:21:54,362
have a carrot.
423
00:21:56,956 --> 00:21:58,914
Are you out of your tiny mind?
424
00:21:58,915 --> 00:22:01,026
- Sorry, still a bit Beyonce!
- Pipe down!
425
00:22:01,027 --> 00:22:04,595
Look I am just trying to
help you help yourself.
426
00:22:04,596 --> 00:22:06,655
- Say what?
- Help yourself.
427
00:22:06,656 --> 00:22:07,926
Thank you very much.
428
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:10,156
No, not to the buffet, sit down!
429
00:22:11,816 --> 00:22:14,296
It's like Jurassic Park in leggings!
Get back!
430
00:22:17,156 --> 00:22:18,726
Stevie! What are you doing here?
431
00:22:18,727 --> 00:22:20,296
Running away from Mum. You?
432
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:22,216
Running away from Tilly.
433
00:22:23,346 --> 00:22:24,906
Aw, missed you.
434
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,594
Listen, I've advertised for
a new shop manager.
435
00:22:28,595 --> 00:22:30,765
Are you really happy in your job? Yes.
436
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:33,052
Because it's so important
to be in fun dynamic work
437
00:22:33,053 --> 00:22:35,403
with colleagues who are
tall, beautiful, hilair,
438
00:22:35,404 --> 00:22:38,315
bit model-like, who could
I be talking about? Me.
439
00:22:39,376 --> 00:22:42,375
- Miranda!
- Stevie!
440
00:22:42,376 --> 00:22:45,906
- We need partners for Banzai!
- Fetch the fatty!
441
00:22:49,154 --> 00:22:51,775
- Oh, you look ridiculous.
- I have to hold them when running.
442
00:22:52,686 --> 00:22:54,046
Quick!
443
00:22:57,305 --> 00:23:00,487
Sometimes in our lives
444
00:23:00,654 --> 00:23:02,747
We all have pain
445
00:23:03,085 --> 00:23:06,224
We all have sorrow
446
00:23:07,071 --> 00:23:10,375
But if we hold hands
447
00:23:10,376 --> 00:23:12,585
We know that there's
448
00:23:13,001 --> 00:23:15,565
Always tomorrow
449
00:23:15,566 --> 00:23:17,675
Lean on me
450
00:23:17,676 --> 00:23:20,466
When you're not strong
451
00:23:20,467 --> 00:23:22,975
I'll be your friend
452
00:23:22,976 --> 00:23:26,016
I'll help you carry on...
453
00:23:27,426 --> 00:23:29,802
That's so my thing! I've found my activity,
454
00:23:29,803 --> 00:23:32,406
- wasn't that me?
- It was so you, maybe it's me.
455
00:23:32,873 --> 00:23:35,543
Somebody to lean on.
456
00:23:36,173 --> 00:23:37,710
So not you. So not me.
457
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:41,010
Stevie, I can see the reporter.
458
00:23:41,731 --> 00:23:43,467
I'm going to... Right.
459
00:23:45,846 --> 00:23:47,816
Lean on me...
460
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,614
Mr News Reporter? Sorry to bother you.
461
00:23:51,615 --> 00:23:54,424
I've got a really important
question about your obesity report.
462
00:23:54,425 --> 00:23:56,024
You see, I was in it at the end.
463
00:23:56,025 --> 00:23:58,604
Does that mean that I was part of it?
Oh, poor you.
464
00:23:58,605 --> 00:24:00,771
No, no, we wouldn't do that.
No, we were panning across.
465
00:24:00,772 --> 00:24:03,105
No, I mean you're...you're lovely.
466
00:24:03,106 --> 00:24:04,700
Oh, gosh. Really? Thanks.
467
00:24:04,792 --> 00:24:07,556
Stop it. Really? Stop it. Lovely? Really?
468
00:24:07,557 --> 00:24:10,583
Stop it. Really? Stop it. Really?
469
00:24:10,584 --> 00:24:12,385
Stop it. Lovely? Really?
470
00:24:12,386 --> 00:24:13,823
Stop it.
471
00:24:14,006 --> 00:24:15,230
Stop it.
472
00:24:17,256 --> 00:24:20,165
Stevie! It was panning, I'm not obese!
473
00:24:20,166 --> 00:24:22,729
She's not obese
474
00:24:22,730 --> 00:24:26,414
It was panning.
475
00:24:27,256 --> 00:24:29,731
No, Stevie hasn't replied.
Well, at least we're friends,
476
00:24:29,732 --> 00:24:31,122
I'm meeting her for a coffee after this.
477
00:24:31,123 --> 00:24:36,055
We have one applicant. Patricia
Nelson and her CV says
478
00:24:36,056 --> 00:24:40,143
"I am the one and only,
no other I'd rather be."
479
00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:42,600
Good luck.
480
00:24:43,408 --> 00:24:47,516
Good morning. I'm Patricia Nelson.
I have an interview at 10.
481
00:24:48,106 --> 00:24:49,974
Good morning, Patricia Nelson?
482
00:24:49,975 --> 00:24:51,906
Patricia Nelson, good morning.
483
00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:54,335
Good morning, Patricia Nelson.
484
00:24:54,336 --> 00:24:56,650
- Do take a seat, please.
- Kind regards.
485
00:24:57,418 --> 00:24:59,305
So, Patricia Nelson.
486
00:24:59,306 --> 00:25:00,996
Patricia Nelson, thank you.
487
00:25:00,997 --> 00:25:03,609
Thank you and kind regards.
488
00:25:03,610 --> 00:25:05,776
Well, I just have one key
question really, for you,
489
00:25:05,777 --> 00:25:07,871
Patricia Nelson,
490
00:25:08,368 --> 00:25:10,236
what two main skills do you
think I'm looking for,
491
00:25:10,237 --> 00:25:11,798
please, thank you, to you, please?
492
00:25:11,799 --> 00:25:14,348
Well, one, I can fall off a very high stool
493
00:25:14,349 --> 00:25:16,215
without injuring myself.
494
00:25:16,283 --> 00:25:20,517
And, B, I do a surprisingly
effective Heather Small impression.
495
00:25:21,744 --> 00:25:23,750
Most excellent. Well, Patricia Nelson
496
00:25:23,751 --> 00:25:25,322
I'm so sorry to cut this so short
497
00:25:25,323 --> 00:25:27,198
but I'm actually meeting
a friend for a coffee.
498
00:25:27,199 --> 00:25:30,624
- Oh, I, Patricia Nelson, am also.
- Isn't that weird?
499
00:25:30,625 --> 00:25:33,574
Yes. I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards.
500
00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:36,206
Kind regards and best wishes
hence forward to you.
501
00:25:39,977 --> 00:25:41,735
Oh, hi, Stevie.
502
00:25:41,736 --> 00:25:43,844
Oh, hi. Hi there. So what's new?
503
00:25:43,845 --> 00:25:45,956
Oh, I've just come from a job interview.
504
00:25:45,957 --> 00:25:47,965
Have you? How did that go?
505
00:25:47,966 --> 00:25:49,424
Well, she seemed all right.
506
00:25:49,425 --> 00:25:51,319
It was a she interviewing although
507
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,512
hard to tell initially. Big hands.
508
00:25:54,513 --> 00:25:55,794
How goes it with you?
509
00:25:55,795 --> 00:25:58,606
I'm actually interviewing
for the new shop manager.
510
00:25:58,607 --> 00:26:01,012
Oh! Yeah, just saw a tiny woman.
511
00:26:01,013 --> 00:26:04,227
Thought she was coming
round for her Brownie badge.
512
00:26:04,228 --> 00:26:06,755
Well, I think my interviewer
might have been wearing
513
00:26:06,756 --> 00:26:09,646
an elasticated maternity jean.
514
00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,421
I would have thought that very unlikely.
515
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,494
They're SO comfortable.
516
00:26:16,029 --> 00:26:17,553
Well, will you just excuse me, actually,
517
00:26:17,554 --> 00:26:18,700
cos I've just got to ring my
518
00:26:18,701 --> 00:26:22,198
Jimmy Cranky-esque interviewee, so...
519
00:26:23,786 --> 00:26:27,721
Isn't that weird? Do excuse me.
Yes, of course.
520
00:26:28,174 --> 00:26:30,396
- Hello?
- Hello, is that Patricia Nelson?
521
00:26:30,397 --> 00:26:32,125
Patricia Nelson speaking.
522
00:26:32,126 --> 00:26:34,751
Hello, Patricia Nelson, just
to say you've got the job.
523
00:26:35,686 --> 00:26:37,095
Miranda...
524
00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:38,546
It was me!
525
00:26:40,476 --> 00:26:42,428
Well, yes, I know!
526
00:26:43,336 --> 00:26:45,199
Well, when did you guess?
527
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,544
The minute you came in, you idiot!
528
00:26:48,107 --> 00:26:50,298
Right, come on. Let's get our shop back.
529
00:26:50,299 --> 00:26:51,733
You've got to ring and make an appointment
530
00:26:51,734 --> 00:26:53,700
with Dick Twist immediately. Go!
531
00:26:56,036 --> 00:26:57,114
Sounds exciting.
532
00:26:57,115 --> 00:26:59,224
Yes. And, listen, you were right, OK?
533
00:26:59,225 --> 00:27:02,420
I hadn't forgiven you, so
here is me letting go.
534
00:27:02,421 --> 00:27:04,217
- I'm sorry.
- And I'm sorry that
535
00:27:04,218 --> 00:27:07,270
- I never said.
- No, it's OK. Friends?
536
00:27:08,036 --> 00:27:10,466
We've got Dick Twist's last appointment!
537
00:27:10,467 --> 00:27:11,760
Emergency walk.
538
00:27:11,806 --> 00:27:13,946
Long way up, short way down. Go.
539
00:27:18,166 --> 00:27:19,755
I think it's time.
540
00:27:19,756 --> 00:27:23,796
What have you done today
to make you feel proud?
541
00:27:24,776 --> 00:27:26,465
Got our shop back.
542
00:27:27,816 --> 00:27:29,056
Step to the left.
543
00:27:30,166 --> 00:27:31,459
Step to the right.
544
00:27:32,276 --> 00:27:34,425
Superb, Sue Perb.
545
00:27:35,696 --> 00:27:37,180
And twist.
546
00:27:38,039 --> 00:27:40,298
Twist, Dick. Dick, twist.
547
00:27:40,950 --> 00:27:41,763
Funny!
548
00:27:44,739 --> 00:27:47,390
Now, let's celebrate good times, come on!
549
00:27:49,773 --> 00:27:51,959
Do listen to the end of my newsletter.
550
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,005
"And, finally to Miranda,
551
00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:58,568
"Who has resurrected a boutique
in difficult economic times.
552
00:27:58,569 --> 00:28:01,569
"She is the creator of
the latest fitness craze
553
00:28:01,570 --> 00:28:07,198
"And the dashing news reporter
said she was lovely, not obese."
554
00:28:07,199 --> 00:28:10,199
- Happy Christmas!
- Happy Christmas!
555
00:28:10,854 --> 00:28:14,156
So will government provision
help these geriatric,
556
00:28:14,157 --> 00:28:16,579
frail unfortunates at
the end of their lives
557
00:28:16,580 --> 00:28:18,554
to keep warm this winter?
558
00:28:18,779 --> 00:28:22,421
This is Michael Jackford
with the elderly and infirm.
559
00:28:32,455 --> 00:28:34,399
It was panning!
560
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,838
She's not old It was panning!
561
00:28:38,839 --> 00:28:42,868
Lean on me, when you're not strong
562
00:28:42,869 --> 00:28:44,038
Happy Christmas!
563
00:28:44,039 --> 00:28:46,148
I'll be your friend
564
00:28:46,149 --> 00:28:49,668
I'll help you carry on
565
00:28:49,669 --> 00:28:54,118
For it won't be long
566
00:28:54,119 --> 00:28:56,123
Til I'm going to need
567
00:28:56,124 --> 00:28:59,537
Somebody to lean on
568
00:28:59,538 --> 00:29:00,449
Just call
569
00:29:15,259 --> 00:29:17,048
We all
We all need
570
00:29:17,049 --> 00:29:20,749
Somebody to lean on...
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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41996
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