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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,125
Hello. How are you?
2
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:05,560
I can't hear you
and I'm not interested.
3
00:00:05,595 --> 00:00:07,125
No, I am.
4
00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,965
I'm not. So back to me.
5
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,125
Now, previously in my life...
6
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:14,080
I proved that living
alone can be genuine fun.
7
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:17,120
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
8
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:25,074
Use the free code JOINNOW at
www.playships.eu
9
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,125
APPLAUSE
10
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,845
I really embarrassed myself
in front of Gary.
11
00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,440
Yeah. As long as you fill it
with good sausage meat. Ooh, naughty!
12
00:00:38,475 --> 00:00:41,800
SHE FARTS
13
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:47,080
I know. And what else? oh, yes. My
mother showed me her holiday photos.
14
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,960
Around the headland there
was another lovely beach...
15
00:00:49,995 --> 00:00:53,245
Was the whole island nudist?
16
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,880
Oh, that's a good one
of your father.
17
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,045
Stop zooming in!
18
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:04,040
You never recover from
something like that.
19
00:01:04,075 --> 00:01:06,120
Quickly, on with the show...
20
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,845
Right, taster number four.
21
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,960
Maybe you'll enjoy this one.
Gratinee de Saint Jacques...
22
00:01:20,995 --> 00:01:22,365
I love having a chef friend.
23
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,720
Because you appreciate fine food?
It's more that it's free food.
24
00:01:25,755 --> 00:01:26,885
Free food!
25
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,485
That's it. You clearly
don't appreciate my work,
26
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,840
I go to all this effort, all you
can say about it is it's free.
27
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,200
I've never been more aroused.
28
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,960
Off putting. They're doing that
kissing but not kissing thing.
29
00:01:44,995 --> 00:01:46,005
Either do or don't!
30
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,960
That's Chris and Alison,
they're lovely. It's a bit much.
31
00:01:48,995 --> 00:01:52,285
Now, Gary, now that was delicious.
32
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,920
Thank you, Chris.
It's a new menu I'm working on.
33
00:01:54,955 --> 00:01:57,720
We thought so, didn't we,
Mr Papa Bear?
34
00:01:57,755 --> 00:01:59,600
Yes, we did, my wet nosed cub.
35
00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,445
BOTH: Such a good chef.
36
00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,125
BOTH: Said it at the same time!
37
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,200
BOTH: And said that at the same time.
38
00:02:08,235 --> 00:02:10,325
Oh, lovely(!)
39
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,160
Yes, sorry this is my friend Miranda.
40
00:02:13,195 --> 00:02:14,720
Hello, lovely.
41
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,640
Puddings? Puddings.
Puddings. Puddings.
42
00:02:19,675 --> 00:02:21,165
Puddings, my wet nosed cub.
43
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,600
Stop it. Actually,
it's a really sweet story.
44
00:02:23,635 --> 00:02:25,325
They were friends at university,
45
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,720
and they said they'd get married
if they were still single at 40.
46
00:02:28,755 --> 00:02:31,400
She was his safety wife?
People actually do that?
47
00:02:31,435 --> 00:02:32,805
They don't look 40.
48
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,960
They're not. He took her off to
Paris last year and proposed.
49
00:02:35,995 --> 00:02:37,925
Do you have a safety wife? No.
50
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,480
Why, are you offering? Yes, please,
very much so, thanks for asking,
51
00:02:41,515 --> 00:02:43,320
thank you please very much please.
52
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,800
OK. All right. So what age
would we set the date at?
53
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,085
55? 35?
54
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,885
55, I meant 55. 55?
55
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:59,800
35? That's next year. You're meant
to allow time to meet Mr Right first.
56
00:02:59,835 --> 00:03:01,045
No. Exactly. Of course,
57
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:05,000
absolutely cos we don't want this.
This would not be ideal. Grim.
58
00:03:05,035 --> 00:03:07,325
Yuckety yuck at you.
You make me feel bleugh.
59
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:13,160
So...yeah. Just to be safe,
I know it's 21 years hence,
60
00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:15,640
but should I book a venue?
61
00:03:15,675 --> 00:03:16,965
Oh, sorry.
62
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,725
55 is insulting.
63
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,925
Well, as I say, it works so you
allow time to meet the one.
64
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:25,440
But if something happens before
you're 55 then you don't ignore it.
65
00:03:25,475 --> 00:03:27,005
If there's a "moment",
66
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,480
then clearly the rules are you go to
Paris and get engaged. A moment.
67
00:03:30,515 --> 00:03:34,680
Deal with this Miranda. Elegance.
68
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:44,400
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie,
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie...
69
00:03:44,435 --> 00:03:47,560
I'm busy! I've got to leave
early to talk to my builders.
70
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,005
Yeah, but I've got news.
71
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,285
Anyway, this is
a night school prospectus.
72
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:55,040
Yes. I'm doing a French course
and I'll tell you pour quoi...
73
00:03:55,075 --> 00:03:57,840
so we can start to go
international, sales wise...
74
00:03:57,875 --> 00:03:59,400
Two things to say, firstly...
75
00:03:59,435 --> 00:04:00,920
SHE YAWNS
76
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:03,605
and, secondly, needy,
77
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,120
high maintenance friend
with news - Bonjour!
78
00:04:06,155 --> 00:04:08,085
Gather please. Right.
79
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,365
Gary has asked me
to be his safety wife.
80
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,140
But, he said, obviously,
if something happens before
81
00:04:13,175 --> 00:04:15,845
then we wouldn't ignore it.
If there was a moment.
82
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,120
He's considering there might
be a moment between us, Stevie.
83
00:04:19,155 --> 00:04:21,600
I've got to create a
moment and do some woo-ing.
84
00:04:21,635 --> 00:04:24,240
It's harder to say
than you imagine, that.
85
00:04:24,275 --> 00:04:25,285
Woo-ing. Woo-ing.
86
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,445
Getting away from the point...
87
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:30,920
I need to create
a romantic, spontaneous moment
88
00:04:30,955 --> 00:04:35,440
so Gary sees me in a "sexual" light.
89
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:40,920
Sorry how is Gary
ever going to see YOU in a...
90
00:04:40,955 --> 00:04:43,525
No, no, what I mean is, you're...
91
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,565
No, you're just not very,
you know, you know.
92
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:53,160
No, what I mean is, you know,
you don't have... No, what you're,
93
00:04:53,195 --> 00:04:56,725
what you're not...
you're not like me.
94
00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,400
You're just, you're just very British
aren't you? I mean say "sex".
95
00:05:00,435 --> 00:05:03,445
(Sex.)
96
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:08,320
You know I don't like to say it.
I prefer the term "shenanigans".
97
00:05:08,355 --> 00:05:10,497
Sounds nicer. And you're British!
98
00:05:10,532 --> 00:05:12,605
British in nationality, yeah,
99
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:16,120
but when it comes to the language
of love, I'm practically Spanish.
100
00:05:16,155 --> 00:05:19,480
Just a look in my eye and
pheromones are released. Ahem.
101
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,480
Ahem.
102
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:38,060
Only me, darling.
Hi, Stevie, how are you?
103
00:05:38,095 --> 00:05:40,880
OK. Although...
Just a turn of phrase.
104
00:05:40,915 --> 00:05:42,165
Can I leave this with you?
105
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,880
Your old diaries. Which I have to
say, make very interesting reading.
106
00:05:45,915 --> 00:05:51,000
You read them?! Of course.
Like Anne Frank but more depressing.
107
00:05:51,035 --> 00:05:52,325
Can't they stay at home?
108
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:53,965
No. We've cleared out your room
109
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,520
because we've extended the bathroom
and we're fitting a jacuzzi.
110
00:05:57,555 --> 00:05:59,765
Must dash -
the Evening News'll be out.
111
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,380
We're looking at the personals
to find you someone
112
00:06:02,415 --> 00:06:04,960
and I don't want your father
to start without me.
113
00:06:04,995 --> 00:06:06,845
He only circles white people
114
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:09,840
and I've told him, when it comes
to finding you a husband,
115
00:06:09,875 --> 00:06:12,720
we can't afford to be (racist.)
116
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,960
We will consider a (black) man.
117
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,540
You can say "black". It's fine.
118
00:06:21,575 --> 00:06:23,520
Are you sure it's not (racist?)
119
00:06:23,555 --> 00:06:24,565
No.
120
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:28,840
Oh, well then I do love a BLACK man!
121
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,525
Such fun!
122
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,000
That mouthing words thing's
a real middle class tick.
123
00:06:35,035 --> 00:06:37,325
At least she was doing it
properly this time.
124
00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,120
She gets confused and does it
the wrong way round.
125
00:06:40,155 --> 00:06:41,525
The other day she said,
126
00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:44,760
"You know those two women
(next door)? LESBIANS."
127
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,720
Exactly.
Stevie always underestimates me.
128
00:06:49,755 --> 00:06:51,640
I knew I could do romance.
129
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:56,600
# Summer lovin' had me a blast... #
Ooh, it's our song!
130
00:06:56,635 --> 00:07:00,160
# Summer lovin'
happened so fast... #
131
00:07:00,195 --> 00:07:04,117
# I met a girl crazy for me... #
132
00:07:04,152 --> 00:07:08,005
# I met a guy cute as can be
133
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:13,560
# Summer days driftin' away
to uh-oh, those summer nights
134
00:07:13,595 --> 00:07:15,205
# Well-ah, well-ah, well-ah
135
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,720
# Uh! Tell me more, tell me more
136
00:07:17,755 --> 00:07:20,085
# Like did he have a car? #
137
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,360
This is not a hoover being a man!
138
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,140
Stevie! Miranda,
I've got subsidence.
139
00:07:26,175 --> 00:07:28,320
Please can I stay with you? Thanks.
140
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:30,980
I've got a Gary plan.
141
00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:32,405
Come in! Thank you.
142
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,160
Although, I was thinking
maybe I shouldn't bother.
143
00:07:35,195 --> 00:07:37,400
I don't even know if
I want a relationship.
144
00:07:37,435 --> 00:07:39,577
Somebody knowing
everything about me.
145
00:07:39,612 --> 00:07:41,685
I mean, do I really
want somebody knowing
146
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:45,685
that sometimes I dress up as the
Queen and record her speech
147
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:50,000
and I watch it back to see what it
would be like if I was the Queen.
148
00:07:50,035 --> 00:07:51,720
Do you actually do that? No.
149
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,925
MOUTHS SILENTLY
150
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,560
You can stay, but please
don't take over my life.
151
00:07:57,595 --> 00:07:59,257
You'll hardly notice me!
152
00:07:59,292 --> 00:08:00,885
Especially if Gary's here...
153
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:04,480
OK, your plan? Why don't you come
with me to my French course? Yes?
154
00:08:04,515 --> 00:08:07,920
FRENCH ACCENT: Passionate,
sophisticated language, mon cherie.
155
00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:10,120
Are you saying I'm
unsophisticated? Bottom.
156
00:08:10,155 --> 00:08:11,840
SHE GIGGLES
157
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:15,360
Bottom!
158
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:21,120
Remembering my school days isn't
going to help me feel passionate.
159
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,365
Apparently the teacher is cute.
160
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,645
Although if he is he's mine.
SAUCY LAUGH
161
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:33,840
Come on, you need a bit of chic to
get you in the romantic zone. OK.
162
00:08:33,875 --> 00:08:38,000
I refer you to the last time you
attempted something in this field.
163
00:08:38,035 --> 00:08:41,640
MUSIC: "Wannabe" by Spice Girls
164
00:08:41,675 --> 00:08:43,480
Hi there. Oh!
165
00:08:43,515 --> 00:08:44,977
Hi.
166
00:08:45,012 --> 00:08:46,326
So...
167
00:08:46,361 --> 00:08:47,605
So...
168
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:48,760
Do you want kids?
169
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,325
You liked school,
this is freaking me out.
170
00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,440
"Don't run in the corridor,
pull your skirt down."
171
00:09:00,475 --> 00:09:02,765
What is this?
172
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,320
This is God's way of telling me
not to bother. Just relax.
173
00:09:06,355 --> 00:09:09,200
And always "could do better"
from the French teacher
174
00:09:09,235 --> 00:09:12,480
who thought a leather jacket
made him cool.
175
00:09:12,515 --> 00:09:15,520
Oh, wow, he's LOVELY.
176
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,325
Cute smile.
177
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,725
Oh, it's him! He will be mine.
178
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,800
That's Mr Clayton,
my old French teacher. No way!
179
00:09:23,835 --> 00:09:27,405
Way. Really way. Very much way.
180
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,200
It's really cringey seeing
a teacher after 20 years.
181
00:09:30,235 --> 00:09:33,640
It's feelings of fear,
embarrassment...
182
00:09:33,675 --> 00:09:35,560
Primarily embarrassment.
183
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,960
Right, I'm going to go
before he can see me.
184
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,125
I'm stuck in the chair.
185
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:47,880
Stevie, I'm stuck in the chair.
He's about to start.
186
00:09:47,915 --> 00:09:49,880
Bonjour la classe.
187
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:56,925
Qu'est ce que ce'st passez?
188
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,560
Pardon, monsieur. Je suis dans le...
189
00:10:00,595 --> 00:10:02,280
FRENCH ACCENT:..Wrong room.
190
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:04,725
Miranda?
191
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:08,380
Ce ne pas me, zut alors!
192
00:10:08,415 --> 00:10:12,000
Je suis...on me way oot!
193
00:10:12,035 --> 00:10:14,760
Sounded Scottish?!
194
00:10:14,795 --> 00:10:15,765
It is you.
195
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:19,800
Back for more? French was never
your metier, I seem to remember.
196
00:10:19,835 --> 00:10:23,160
No, no, but German
has become my bag...
197
00:10:23,195 --> 00:10:26,240
Mein...bag.
198
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,580
Oh, yeah, I've done
pretty well with my life.
199
00:10:30,615 --> 00:10:33,607
Yes, I use the German
for my fashion business.
200
00:10:33,642 --> 00:10:36,600
So, I think you'll find
I COULDN'T do better.
201
00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:39,880
If I did better...
202
00:10:39,915 --> 00:10:42,045
I'd be God.
203
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,885
Good evening to you.
204
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,920
Do you need help
with the chair issue?
205
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:50,245
The chair issue?
206
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,645
There isn't a chair issue.
207
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:57,720
This is part of my Autumn range.
Practical fashion. It looks good...
208
00:10:57,755 --> 00:11:01,120
Sure thing. Want some of that!
209
00:11:01,155 --> 00:11:02,365
But it's practical.
210
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:06,405
You can sit down whenever and
wherever you so need to do.
211
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:10,080
This has been one of life's true
pleasures. Good evening. Bonsoir.
212
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:19,960
Mortifying. I need to get it off.
Feeling claustrophobic.
213
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,360
Afternoon.
214
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:33,000
Right. Just need to pull myself off.
215
00:11:33,035 --> 00:11:34,520
Don't.
216
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,360
Oh... And, released. God.
217
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,325
Urgh, school corridors - freaky.
218
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,960
Why weren't we allowed
to run in them, actually?
219
00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:02,200
I can't believe I thought evening
classes would help me get romantic.
220
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,040
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
221
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,000
Hello.
222
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,000
MUSIC: "Money For Nothing"
by Dire Straits
223
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,240
Gary?
224
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,805
Yep! Hi. Hi.
225
00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:32,960
Listen, I wanted to say sorry
about the whole food thing earlier.
226
00:12:32,995 --> 00:12:34,605
And to make it up to you...
227
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,500
how about a tango class
tomorrow night?
228
00:12:37,535 --> 00:12:40,360
Oh, I adore Tango.
Well, you go Clive.
229
00:12:40,395 --> 00:12:42,117
No, the offer wasn't for Clive.
230
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:43,805
I was regional under-12 champion.
231
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,365
You'll go top of the class
with Clive. I don't want to!
232
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:50,880
My speciality is cape work. Clive should definitely
be your partner. I don't want Clive to be my partner!
233
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,120
If you don't stop
talking about Tango,
234
00:13:03,155 --> 00:13:05,240
I'll strangle you
with this tablecloth!
235
00:13:05,275 --> 00:13:07,400
So, Gary, will you come?
236
00:13:07,435 --> 00:13:09,245
What about Clive?
237
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,880
No, thanks, I hate Tango. I always
have. I despise it. It's abhorrent,
238
00:13:12,915 --> 00:13:16,200
it's a perversion of all that is
good and natural in this world.
239
00:13:16,235 --> 00:13:18,680
I hate it, DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY!
That's enough!
240
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,000
So, Gary?
241
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,920
Yeah, sure. Why not?
I'm up for a challenge.
242
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,920
# You are beautiful
No matter what they say
243
00:13:40,955 --> 00:13:45,565
# Words can't bring me down, yeah
244
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:49,520
# You are beautiful
in every single way.
245
00:13:49,555 --> 00:13:53,440
# So don't you
bring me down today. #
246
00:13:53,475 --> 00:13:56,537
SHE GASPS
Mr Clayton in pants!
247
00:13:56,572 --> 00:13:59,565
Oh, gosh, I am so sorry, sir.
248
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,520
Hey, come on now,
call me Keith. Keith.
249
00:14:02,555 --> 00:14:05,485
SHE SNIGGERS
250
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:09,600
Teachers having first names
was always funny!
251
00:14:09,635 --> 00:14:12,045
I really am very, very sorry.
252
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,480
Don't worry.
I was just about to have a shower.
253
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,540
Stevie! Urgh!
254
00:14:20,575 --> 00:14:22,525
Urgh. Urgh.
255
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:23,860
I can't be... Urgh!
256
00:14:23,895 --> 00:14:25,125
I can't believe...
257
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,480
"Oh, you'll hardly notice me."
I couldn't help it.
258
00:14:28,515 --> 00:14:31,800
He took me to a fantastic
restaurant and I tell you,
259
00:14:31,835 --> 00:14:33,960
an older man knows foreplay.
260
00:14:33,995 --> 00:14:35,560
Urgh! La, la, la, la!
261
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:41,720
Oh, sorry. We got a little bit
carried away on the sofa.
262
00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:43,360
ARGH!
263
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,040
Oh, and on the chair.
264
00:14:47,075 --> 00:14:49,285
Ooh! God!
265
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,440
Is there anywhere I'm safe?
266
00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:52,480
Oh, not there. Ooh!
267
00:14:52,515 --> 00:14:54,845
What's that?!
268
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,160
People have sex, stop being
so middle class about it.
269
00:14:58,195 --> 00:15:01,040
Stevie, that was
my old French teacher!
270
00:15:01,075 --> 00:15:02,525
He's seen me in gym knickers.
271
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:05,760
I don't want someone in my home
that's seen me in gym knickers.
272
00:15:05,795 --> 00:15:08,600
I don't want anyone thinking
about me in gym knickers.
273
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,445
Oh, you disgust me.
274
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,765
Please say you're
not seeing him again.
275
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:17,560
You're always saying you want me to
have more fun. Not that much fun!
276
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,880
I'm going to open the shop.
277
00:15:21,915 --> 00:15:23,160
Urgh.
278
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:26,285
I blame boarding school entirely
279
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,600
for not being able to cope
with the (sex) department.
280
00:15:29,635 --> 00:15:32,445
Sorry, what is this... Urgh!
281
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,900
We just weren't taught
the birds and the bees properly.
282
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:39,320
All we had was a weird video
in Biology about conception.
283
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,760
We saw this heart-shaped
swimming pool,
284
00:15:41,795 --> 00:15:43,485
in the middle of which was a li-lo,
285
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:47,085
with a woman lying on it
looking erotic - she was the ovum.
286
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:51,240
On the outside were a whole mass
of men in speedos and swimming caps.
287
00:15:51,275 --> 00:15:53,285
They were the sperm.
288
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,405
We heard a starting gun.
The sperm dived in.
289
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,320
One of them ended up on the
li-lo and embraced the woman.
290
00:15:59,355 --> 00:16:01,517
The biology teacher
then switches it off,
291
00:16:01,552 --> 00:16:03,645
"Right, that's that."
"That's what?!"
292
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,245
There was no finer details.
What was that?
293
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:10,800
One girl in my house, Bruschetta
McQuorcodale - real name...
294
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:15,160
She still won't go swimming
for fear of getting pregnant.
295
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:20,845
Right, now I can, I can do this.
I can get romantic.
296
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:25,400
I can do it for all boarding school
girls up and down the nation.
297
00:16:25,435 --> 00:16:30,640
I...am an erotic ovum. Ha-ha.
298
00:16:30,675 --> 00:16:31,645
Ooh!
299
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:36,680
Just leaving, au revoir. Or should
I say, "Ich werde sie bald sehen."
300
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,325
Ja.
301
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,560
Could do better! Ha, ha!
302
00:16:43,595 --> 00:16:44,840
Ha, ha!
303
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,085
Woo-ing, woo-ing.
304
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,965
Woo-ing. Woo-ing. Woo-ing.
305
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:55,240
Stevie, hi. Do you notice
anything different about me?
306
00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,920
I've just bought some boots
for the Tango class tonight.
307
00:17:00,955 --> 00:17:03,200
I now feel have the walk
of a true woman.
308
00:17:03,235 --> 00:17:06,317
Do I look romantically available?
309
00:17:06,352 --> 00:17:09,400
If camp is available then, yeah.
310
00:17:09,435 --> 00:17:12,120
Sorry, how is this camp?
311
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,485
Customer. Customer. Hello.
312
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:19,000
Hi. These are fun, aren't they?
313
00:17:19,035 --> 00:17:21,045
Going to a fancy dress?
314
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:22,840
Why don't you try one of these?
315
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,480
Real hair!
316
00:17:33,515 --> 00:17:36,045
Buongiorno.
317
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:37,845
What's up with you? Nothing at all.
318
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:41,680
The Jacuzzi was finished yesterday.
We've hardly been out of it.
319
00:17:41,715 --> 00:17:45,280
As your father says,
"Bubbles hide a multitude of sins,
320
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:48,160
"and suggest
a multitude of others."
321
00:17:48,195 --> 00:17:49,925
Unacceptable information.
322
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:54,160
I was a bit concerned because
the plumber that installed it was...
323
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,040
..(a woman.)
324
00:17:58,075 --> 00:17:59,765
So?
325
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,720
I know they can plumb just
as well, but it's not right.
326
00:18:02,755 --> 00:18:05,400
A woman knowing...
SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
327
00:18:05,435 --> 00:18:07,080
No, you see all
I'm seeing is...
328
00:18:07,115 --> 00:18:09,725
SHE MOUTHS SILENTLY
329
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,120
The ins and outs of a loo!
330
00:18:12,155 --> 00:18:13,645
All right!
331
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:17,760
Oh! What (enormous) WIG HAIR.
332
00:18:17,795 --> 00:18:19,720
The wrong way round!
333
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,205
Well, right, I must be,
what I call...heading off.
334
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,620
It's heading off. Not just
what you call heading off...
335
00:18:27,655 --> 00:18:31,000
You father has ordered
a mid-afternoon jacuzzi session...
336
00:18:31,035 --> 00:18:32,697
Ooh! Eh?
337
00:18:32,732 --> 00:18:34,325
Urgh.
338
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,500
No, she's not going to put me off.
339
00:18:36,535 --> 00:18:38,605
Tonight, "Adios, uptight Miranda."
340
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:43,160
She will be swept aside
for a feisty Argentinean damsel.
341
00:18:43,195 --> 00:18:45,965
I am going to create
the romantic moment.
342
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:51,280
For tonight is the night
when "dos become uno".
343
00:18:51,315 --> 00:18:52,760
Bonne chance.
344
00:18:52,795 --> 00:18:54,605
Ja.
345
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,680
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
346
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,380
That's right,
keep as close as you can.
347
00:19:02,415 --> 00:19:06,240
Mmm! You two are very good together.
348
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:18,340
'Miranda...'
349
00:19:18,375 --> 00:19:19,527
Customer!
350
00:19:19,562 --> 00:19:20,680
SHE SCREAMS
351
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,285
I am so sorry. Let me help you up.
352
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,700
No, please, please
don't touch me again.
353
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:31,080
I wish it was the first
time I'd heard that.
354
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:39,440
Fantastico! Muy sensual!
355
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,920
You, it's a bit camp.
356
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,880
Can't believe that Chris and Alison
are here as well. No talking!
357
00:19:48,915 --> 00:19:52,520
Sorry. We're teaching our bodies,
every sinew to talk.
358
00:19:52,555 --> 00:19:54,960
Wow, she's amazing.
359
00:19:54,995 --> 00:19:57,245
Stop! Stop!
360
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,600
Que bailar como un hipopotamo!
361
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:04,360
You will not learn when
you dance with her. Chris...
362
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,640
You...are a natural.
Really? Do you mind?
363
00:20:09,675 --> 00:20:12,040
Well, I do a bit. Silence!
364
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,640
Musica.
365
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,200
Aren't you the lucky one,
eh, Miranda?
366
00:20:19,235 --> 00:20:21,005
Phwoar.
367
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,400
What is she like?! A nightmare!
368
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,925
Miranda, what are you doing?
369
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,240
What's that saying?
"It takes three to tango."
370
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,200
Carry on. Nothing to see here.
371
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,525
That was great!
372
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:52,765
Ooh, yes. Yes, that was great. Yeah.
373
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:55,880
So you're going to advanced
next week? Well, might as well.
374
00:20:55,915 --> 00:21:00,240
You don't mind do you?
No! Why would I mind?
375
00:21:00,275 --> 00:21:01,965
Of course I don't mind.
376
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,040
Nothing springs to mind
about minding at all, no!
377
00:21:05,075 --> 00:21:08,080
You're not actually
going to eat that kebab are you?
378
00:21:08,115 --> 00:21:10,245
No, I bought it
just to chuck in a bin(!)
379
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:14,240
I'm unashamed to admit that, for me,
this is the dog's bollocks.
380
00:21:14,275 --> 00:21:17,080
It probably literally is.
You should put it in the bin.
381
00:21:17,115 --> 00:21:19,205
No! Come on, Miranda,
it's disgusting.
382
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,885
I like it. You're such a food snob.
Just put it in the bin. No!
383
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,800
Come on put it in the bin. Miranda,
just put it... I want to EAT IT.
384
00:21:26,835 --> 00:21:31,560
I'd take this over
some of your fancy dishes.
385
00:21:31,595 --> 00:21:34,497
I really thought you
understood my work.
386
00:21:34,532 --> 00:21:37,400
I give up, it's completely pointless.
387
00:21:37,435 --> 00:21:38,920
Aroused again.
388
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:41,405
SHE GASPS
He's coming back!
389
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:44,960
Maybe he's felt the arousal too.
This could be a moment.
390
00:21:44,995 --> 00:21:47,600
Right, I'm not apologising.
I'm still angry.
391
00:21:47,635 --> 00:21:49,125
Yes. I've had a thought. Yes!
392
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,640
Tomorrow night, I'm going
to give you a proper...
393
00:21:51,675 --> 00:21:53,160
Take me!
394
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,500
Cooking lesson. What?
395
00:21:57,535 --> 00:22:00,200
# Take...me...on.
396
00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:02,057
# Take on me
397
00:22:02,092 --> 00:22:03,845
# I'll be there,
398
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:07,080
# Ooh, ooh-ooh, oooh! #
399
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,245
Just some A-ha.
400
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,365
Sorry, did you say cooking lesson?
Excellent.
401
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:17,880
No, that sounds great, great.
Good, good. Well, enjoy your kebab.
402
00:22:17,915 --> 00:22:20,085
I will.
403
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:21,520
Ohhh. That's a chilli.
404
00:22:21,555 --> 00:22:23,365
Oooh. Ha, ha(!)
405
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,400
Very hot. No, I still like it.
406
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,805
Hot! Hot! Hot!
407
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:41,520
# Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
408
00:22:41,555 --> 00:22:46,640
# Beauty and the beast. #
409
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,445
So, how was it?
410
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:54,000
I got tango-ed out of a dance class
by a frightening dance teacher,
411
00:22:54,035 --> 00:22:56,240
had an argument with Gary,
found him sexy,
412
00:22:56,275 --> 00:22:58,205
thought there was
going to be moment,
413
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:01,325
got offered a cooking lesson.
It's all your fault, Stevie.
414
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:05,080
I tried to create a romantic
moment, I keep ending up in lessons.
415
00:23:05,115 --> 00:23:06,845
This will be the third in two days
416
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,360
and you know I hate
being reminded of school.
417
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:15,125
No! No, this could be good.
418
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,645
You think he's sexy when he's angry.
419
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,965
Yeah. Well, a cooking lesson...
angry chef...
420
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,860
Anger becomes sexual chemistry,
like in the films.
421
00:23:24,895 --> 00:23:28,047
Perhaps it wasn't a moment
cos I wasn't angry too!
422
00:23:28,082 --> 00:23:31,200
Exactly! Furious chef,
angry pupil, food everywhere.
423
00:23:31,235 --> 00:23:32,245
Fiery, very filmic,
424
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,600
where we can do nothing
but rip each others clothes off.
425
00:23:35,635 --> 00:23:37,600
Ohhh.
426
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:58,400
The trouble is, you can't handle
the world of shenanigans.
427
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,000
No, no, no.
That girl's still very much gone.
428
00:24:02,035 --> 00:24:04,680
I'm still an Argentinian whore.
429
00:24:04,715 --> 00:24:05,685
Well...
430
00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:10,680
not a whore, but (sexual). You know,
a couple of notches down from whore.
431
00:24:10,715 --> 00:24:12,520
Pre-doing it for money.
432
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:17,045
Ah! Oh! Here he is. He's here!
433
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,160
There he is.
And you've both been...again.
434
00:24:20,195 --> 00:24:22,325
And that's fine. That's fine, yeah.
435
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:25,960
It's just (sex).
(Sex). Sex. Sex! SEX! There!
436
00:24:25,995 --> 00:24:27,525
You see, I said it. It's fine.
437
00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,845
We all do it, don't we?
Well, some of us try.
438
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:35,200
But it doesn't matter! No. It's all
just willies and front bottoms.
439
00:24:35,235 --> 00:24:36,725
We all have them.
440
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:40,920
One of them. Not many people are
blessed with having both, I imagine.
441
00:24:40,955 --> 00:24:44,000
I mean, what's weird about
a man pushing his Michael Phelps
442
00:24:44,035 --> 00:24:45,920
to reach her li-lo?
443
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:51,920
Right, better head off.
Au chante, la belle dame du soir.
444
00:24:51,955 --> 00:24:54,640
Peut-etre la prochaine
fois une disco locale.
445
00:24:54,675 --> 00:24:55,965
THEY LAUGH
446
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,005
MIRANDA LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
447
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:02,400
I'm fine with this. Oh, it's lovely.
448
00:25:02,435 --> 00:25:04,117
Oh, that's a bit much!
449
00:25:04,152 --> 00:25:05,765
Put her down, please.
450
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:07,920
Put her down and off you pop.
451
00:25:07,955 --> 00:25:10,040
Thank you. You disgust me.
452
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,640
So if you can make a ratatouille
you've got a delicious basic
453
00:25:15,675 --> 00:25:17,765
you can use with pasta,
rice, add meat...
454
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,120
Try and get the chunks the same
size. You bollocking bastard!
455
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,960
Now you going to get
all Ramsay on my ass?
456
00:25:27,995 --> 00:25:29,725
Yeah, you know that's not my style.
457
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,125
OK. So now you've made
the fresh tomato sauce.
458
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,680
Now to stop it drying out I'm just
going to add some tinned tomato.
459
00:25:35,715 --> 00:25:39,577
Why didn't you just do this in the
first place? I prefer these anyway.
460
00:25:39,612 --> 00:25:43,440
Prefer tinned? To a fresh sauce?
(This'll work. Bring on the moment.)
461
00:25:43,475 --> 00:25:46,045
Tinned to your sauces.
462
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,040
I find them a bit stodgy that's all.
463
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:53,605
You've done nothing but
insult my cooking recently.
464
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:57,020
Are you trying to wind me up? No!
I just prefer these, that's all.
465
00:25:57,055 --> 00:26:00,400
You're acting like a wife who won't
tell her husband why she's angry.
466
00:26:00,435 --> 00:26:02,685
I wouldn't know would I?
Safety wife aged 55.
467
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,760
Most people set their safety
marriages at 40. At the latest.
468
00:26:05,795 --> 00:26:08,365
Because most people have
the idea when they're 20,
469
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,600
not when they're single in their
mid-30's. 34 is not mid-30's.
470
00:26:11,635 --> 00:26:13,485
It's late 20's!
471
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,520
You're acting as if you're six.
You're excitable, then you're angry.
472
00:26:17,555 --> 00:26:20,920
It's the new me. I'm being
impulsive, a lover of life, a lover.
473
00:26:20,955 --> 00:26:22,760
New tastes, new experiences...
474
00:26:22,795 --> 00:26:24,760
Ooh, urgh! Garlic...
475
00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:27,565
It's not funny.
476
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,320
I'm being erotic. Puncture my li-lo.
477
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,685
For Bruschetta.
478
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,680
You want some bruschetta? No!
479
00:26:37,715 --> 00:26:40,365
You idiot!
480
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,205
You did that deliberately!
481
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:44,760
I thought mine was empty. Oh...
482
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,605
This is the moment, but
it's so not the moment.
483
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,760
The films are wrong. You're
just angry and covered in sauce!
484
00:26:57,795 --> 00:26:59,640
You're such a child. You're a child.
485
00:26:59,675 --> 00:27:01,725
You're a child!
486
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:09,060
# And after all that's
been said and done
487
00:27:09,095 --> 00:27:16,360
# You're just the
part of me I can't let go
488
00:27:16,395 --> 00:27:21,720
# After all that we've been through
489
00:27:21,755 --> 00:27:23,880
# I will make it up to you
490
00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,400
# I promise you. #
491
00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:35,420
Has any one seen my pants?
492
00:27:35,455 --> 00:27:38,600
Right! That's it! Come on.
493
00:27:38,635 --> 00:27:40,165
Ooh!
494
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:44,520
Mr Clayton. Don't move before
tying the gown a little safer.
495
00:27:44,555 --> 00:27:46,200
SHE GASPS
Saw it!
496
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:49,680
Could do better.
497
00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:56,680
Miranda, darling, can I stay?
The Jacuzzi's flooded. That's it.
498
00:27:56,715 --> 00:27:58,565
Everybody in.
499
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,640
MUSIC: "My Baby Just Cares For Me"
by Nine Simone.
500
00:28:01,675 --> 00:28:04,360
# My baby just cares for me
501
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:15,000
# My baby don't care
for cars and races
502
00:28:15,035 --> 00:28:20,000
# My baby don't care for... #
503
00:28:20,035 --> 00:28:21,325
Ahh!
504
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:23,120
# High tone places. #
505
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,600
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
506
00:29:03,635 --> 00:29:06,640
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
507
00:29:07,305 --> 00:30:07,376
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