All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes - S01E21 - The Great Impersonation

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in color.

Easy now. Hold it...

Here it comes.

On the count of three...

One, two,

three!

Hey, that was a lulu!

Oh, very nice,
indeed.

Oh, great timing,
Newkirk.

You did very
well, Newkirk.

Thank you
very much, chaps.

For my next number, I shall do
a request explosion.

Did you see it go off?

Come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.

Right, right,
let's go.

Hey, Carter, which way
back to camp?

Well, I don't know.

What?!

I beg
your pardon?

Well, I was afraid
to tell you guys.

I don't know where we are.

I guess I must have
dropped the compass.

How stupid can you get?

You ruddy fool!

Not very bright.

Well, if I had any brains,
would I be a prisoner of war?

How do we get
back to camp?

Maybe we could
ask somebody?

Who do we ask, a
German soldier or...?

All right, all right.
Take it easy. Hold it!

Let's not lose our heads.

Look, I'll go climb
a tree up topside,

take a look around,

see if I can get a fix
on our position.

I'll go
with you, Kinch.

Carter! Hey, stay here.

You'll end up
breaking his leg.

I'm sorry, fellas.

Ah, forget it.

We'll make out somehow.

Well, I don't know
why they ever drafted me.

I don't know anything
about war.

And if I hadn't been
up in the tree,

they'd have grabbed me, too.

That's a break,
anyway.

By now, the Gestapo's
got the boys.

Yeah, that's swell.

Well, at least they got
their fake dog tags.

Yeah, and the detonators
and the walkie-talkie

and a few extra sticks
of dynamite.

It's a cinch the
krauts won't think

they were selling
magazine subscriptions.

We gotta
spring 'em, Colonel.

First thing
we got to do

is find out where
they've taken the boys.

Look, tomorrow
I'll keep Klink busy.

Tap into his phone

and call Gestapo headquarters
in Gluckenheim.

Call the Gestapo?

Tell 'em you're a general...

General... Kinchmeyer,
Gestapo Headquarters, Berlin.

Push 'em around.
You know the bit.

Sure.

Hello.

This is
General Kinchmeyer speaking.

Why have you not reported
the three men you had captured?

Where are they?

Schnell!

That's very convincing.

You know,
I'm not so sure about you.

So...

You are Antonio Calvelli, hmm?

Yes, sir.

That's funny. You don't
look like a Calvelli.

Well, I've always
been fond of pizza.

Pizza? You are a liar!

Antipasto? Shut up.

And you...

little one...

you are... "Jock McPherson"?

Yes, sir.
Hoot mon.

Obviously, a Frenchman.

On my mother's side.

We'll see.

And you...

you are Heinrich
Hilgenbecker?

That's right, sir.
Or jawohl, if you prefer.

A very German name wearing
a very British uniform.

Yes, sir. Hands across the sea
and all that.

So, the faces don't
match the names,

the names don't
match the accents,

and the uniforms don't
match anything at all.

It is a bit of a mess,
ain't it, sir?

Quiet. I could have
the three of you shot

for spies and saboteurs
right now.

Begging your pardon, sir,
but we were captured in uniform.

We have identified ourselves;
name, rank and serial number.

And according to
the Geneva Convention,

I could...

I am not interested.

We will find out all about you
in our own way,

soon enough, I assure you.

Sergeant?

Take them to Stalag Four
until I communicate with Berlin.

You will be kept
in solitary confinement

pending the disposition
of your case.

Sir? Ja?

What is it, Calvelli?

I suppose
it wouldn't do any good

to ask for
the American Consul?

Good luck,
General Kinchmeyer.

Now, let me understand
this, Hogan.

Your men are volunteering?

Yes, sir. They'll help
with camp maintenance,

if you'll allow us
to ask the Red Cross

for movies to be shown
in the Rec Hall.

They want to work?

War does strange things
to people.

What do you say, Colonel?

Movies, huh?

I'll have to call Berlin
and ask policy on this matter.

A man like you
has to telephone?

There are rules, you know.

For the commandant of the
toughest POW camp in Germany?

I thought you made
your ownrules.

Well, I make a few
and Berlin makes a few.

That way we get
a nice assortment.

Hogan, there is something

behind this request.

Oh, Colonel,
I assure you...

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Your men are working already.

Of course. They're doing
their best to beautify

the old alma mater.

But I haven't agreed
to your proposal yet.

Let's just say it's
an act of faith...

in our commandant.

You trust me that much?

Oh, please, don't
embarrass me by asking

emotional questions.

I understand.

I knew you would.

In view of your
expression of confidence,

I will settle the matter
at once in your favor.

Hello, get me Berli... Hello?

Who's on the line?
General Kinchmeyer?!

Uh, were you calling me, sir?

Who am I?

I am Colonel Wilhelm Klink,
Stalag 13, at your service, sir.

Oh, you weren't?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

The lines must be crossed.
I'll get off at once.

Yes, sir.

Wh-wh-what's that?

Yes, Heil Hitler.

General Kinchmeyer...

I don't know any
General Kinchmeyer. I...

Hogan, what's
the matter with you?

You don't look
well at all.

It's the old ticker.

Skips a beat
once in awhile.

Twelve.

It can't be.

Three men missing?

I have to count again.

Eins, zwei, drei...

Forget it, Schultz,
there are three men missing.

And Klink will be
here in a minute.

I wish there would be
four missing.

Why four?

Including me.

Oh, I have to report this
at once.

He'll blame you.
You're in charge.

I can explain
the three men, Schultz.

Report everyone present.

Tell the commandant a lie?

Of course.

Why don't I ever think
of those things?

They are in Stalag Four now?

Mm-hmm.
That's right.

Why did they leave?

I thought
they were happy here.

Was there something
I said?

No, no,
they got restless

and decided
to take a walk,

and the Gestapo
grabbed them.

The Gestapo!

Mm-hmm.

That's the
situation.

I'll report this
to Commandant Klink,

and he will get them back.

You mean,
before they talk?

Yes, before they talk.

Talk about what?

You see,
that's the problem.

The boys are sure
to be questioned.

They'll talk about Stalag 13,
and they'll mention you.

So?

Well, I mean,
what if you do take

an occasional bribe
of cigarettes?

Or give a little
information

in exchange for
a few candy bars?

Or lie to Klink,
your superior officer?

That was your idea.

In this world,
you want to be Mr. Nice Guy,

you have to pay
the price.

They could send me
to the Russian Front.

Or shoot you.

Or both.

That's impossible.

You can't shoot a man

and send him
to the Russian Front.

No, they could do it.

Eh, I'm sorry,
Schultz.

Sorry don't help.

We have to get them back
before they talk about me.

Please, Colonel Hogan,
do something.

All right, there's
only one thing to do.

An officer
from Stalag 13 has to go

to Stalag Four
and get the boys.

Why, that is
a brilliant idea, Colonel.

Thank you, Kinch.

Fine, but who is
the officer?

Who can we trust?

You.

Me?

You.

You are both nuts.
Me, an officer?

Come on, Schultz!

Nobody at Stalag Four knows
what Klink looks like.

We'll make you a
beautiful uniform.

You simply walk right in
and demand the three prisoners.

I cannot pose as an officer.

Forget it. We have to think
of something else.

Eh, not we... you.

That's right, Schultz.

It's your funeral.

Ooh! I wish you hadn't
put it that way.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Schultz.

No, I cannot do it.

That's final.

Pose as an officer!

Well, so much
for that idea.

Kinch, my boy, sometimes
you've got to have confidence.

Five, four,
three, two, one...

Oh, Colonel Hogan!

Achtung!

At your service,
Commandant Klink!

Neck...

19 and a half.

Neck...

19 and a half.

Boy...

this one may have to be continued
on the next tape measure.

You call yourself
a tailor.

Don't do that.

Waist: 52.

Waist: 52.

Sure that's not wrapped
around both of you?

Very funny.

Don't forget the hips
and chest measurements.

The same as my waist.

Well, saves time.

No, Colonel Hogan, no,
I cannot go through with it.

All right, Schultz.

We leave the boys
at Stalag Four,

and the Gestapo
questions them.

For you, that's the fastest way
to the Russian Front!

I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan,

but I-I haven't
got the courage.

No guts, Schultz?

That I never had,
I'm sorry.

I'm afraid we lost him.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Look, we don't have
any choice in the matter.

We've got
a good organization.

LeBeau, Carter and
Newkirk, they're a part of it.

Without them,
we fold up.

You don't have to
sell me.

What about Schultz?

All right, tomorrow we put
the pressure on him.

How much material will you need
to make him a uniform?

Well, let's put
it this way:

How many inches
in an acre?

Kind of cold,
huh, Schultz?

Ja, very cold.

Care for a cigarette? Oh. Well,
thank you...

Well, here, here,
keep the whole pack.

No, no, no, no, I can't.
No, no, no, no, no, no...

Here. Oh, come on, Schultz...

It's against
regulations. Keep the whole pack.

Please, I... Ah, come on.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, Schultzie, here's that can
of sardines

I promised you,
old buddy.

Sardines? Yeah.

Oh, no, I c-can't... Oh, come on.

Here, go on,
take them, here.

And I'll bring you
the chocolate bars

as soon as I get my
Red Cross package.

Chocolate! Ja! Please!
I like choc...

Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Cigarettes?

Sardines?

Chocolate bars?

You live better
than Goring,

and you're
twice as big.

Yes, Herr Kommandant,
but...

It is against
regulations

to fraternize with
the prisoners

or take things
from them

for any reason
whatsoever.

Yes...

Put yourself
on report.

What happened?

Fraternizing...
You heard what he said.

Oh, that's nothing.

He'll give me
some extra duty,

and then the whole
thing is forgotten.

I don't think so, Schultz.

It becomes part
of your record,

and when the Gestapo adds that
to what the boys tell them...

I was standing here

minding my own business...

Here he comes.

All right,
start the hat.

Now, remember
how much you put in

so you can get it back.

All right, fellas,
let's all give.

Remember, it's
for a good cause.

Dig, dig, come on!

Try to forget that the man

we're collecting for
wears a German uniform.

He's been more
than an enemy to us.

Oh, hi, Schultz.

Wha-What is this for?

Oh, this?
Oh, we're collecting

for somebody's widow.

I mean, wife! You said widow.

Well, she's not
a widow yet.

We just want
to be ready in case.

Aw, this is nice.

You all got it right in here.

Thanks, Schultz.

Wife?

Widow?

Just in case?

Just in case it is me.

All right.

Back with the money.

Back, back, back, back,
back, back with the money.

Back with the money...

All set?
Let's try it.

Now, remember,
I'm your captain.

Kinch is Major Bernsdorf,
Kommandant of Stalag 4.

All set?

Here we go.

Achtung!
Colonel Klink!

Ah, Colonel Klink,
welcome to Stalag 4.

Heil Hitler!

Morning, Major.

Nice to meet you.

No, no, Schultz,
that's all wrong.

Listen,

to be a German officer,
you have to be mean

and nasty and-and arrogant.

Right.

Arrogance is
what makes a German officer.

L-Let's do it again.
Please, quickly.

All right.
Look, look, look.

Maybe with a riding crop.

That's what Klink has, huh?

Stand over there,
watch me do it.

Major Bernsdorf, you are holding
three of my prisoners.

I demand their release at once!

Sir,

without proper
authority,

I must deny
your request.

You dare to deny my request?

I shall have you
court-martialed!

Jawohl!

Okay?

Ja, ja.

Let's try it.

From the top.

Achtung! Colonel Klink!

Major Bernsdorf,
you have three of my prisoners.

I demand
that you release them at once!

Ooh... ooh...

I hurt myself.

Come on, Schultz,
concentrate, will you?

Major Bernsdorf,
you have three of my prisoners.

I demand
that you release them at once!

Sir, I deny
that request.

Okay. If you say no,

then it is no.

Major Bernsdorf,
I demand that you release...

Schultz, Schultz.

I'm over here.

I can't help it.

I-I... I can't see through.

Schultz, open the other eye.

Attention! I am Colonel Klink.

I want you to stand
at attention

when I talk to you,
or I send you

to the Russian Front.
Do you understand?!

I tell you and you
and you and...

Ooh, and you, too.

Achtung!

Attention!

You understand
if I talk to you attention?

Oh, my goodness.

Attention!

All set.

I fixed the back window
in Klink's office.

You'll be able
to open it tonight.

Good.

Now, remember,
give us a two-hour start.

When the boys in the barracks
start the diversion,

you get into Klink's office
and make the call.

Don't worry,
I'll be there.

Did you talk to Schultz?

Yeah, he'll have
a truck out of

the motor pool.

He'll meet you there
right after dark.

Fine. Then we'll be off
and running.

Sure hope this works.

If it doesn't,
I'll just keep right on running.

Achtung!
Colonel Klink!

Hei...

Hei...

Colonel Klink,
Heil Hitler.

It's a pleasure.
We're honored.

Y-You-You are?

Naturally!

Can't get any decent monocles
nowadays.

May I offer you
some refreshment?

Ja.How
about a little sandwich,

some liverwurst with a little
bratwurst on the side.

Colonel, may I
remind you,

our time
is limited.

Yes, uh, of course.

Thank you, Colonel.

Colonel?

Oh, uh, he wants to be one.

Makes him happy.

I see.

Prosit...!

Prosit!

Now, what can I do for you?

You have three
of my prisoners.

I would like you
to release them at once.

Captain, give him their names.

Jawohl,
Kommandant.

Antonio Calvelli,
Jock McPherson,

Heinrich
Hilgenbecker.

But these men were brought here
by the Gestapo.

I don't care about the Gestapo.

It's very brave
of you to say that.

Maybe I'm too brave.

I don't seem
to have any written authority

to release the men.

Written authority?!

Nobody told me anything
about that.

Commandant, it's
hard to believe

your word is
not enough.

I know what you mean.

I wish I didn't, but I do.

I demand that you release
the three prisoners at once!

I must deny
your request.

Is that so?!

Well...

if you say no, then it's no.

Let's go.

Uh, sir, may I
remind you that, uh...

Major Bernsdorf.

Who?

Kinchmeyer.

General Kinchmeyer, Gestapo.

Has, uh,
Colonel Klink arrived yet?

Yes, he's here now.

Good. You will release
the three prisoners to him...

Calvelli, McPherson
undHilgenbecker.

But, General Kinchmeyer,

I have no written authority
to release these men.

You dare to question the word
of a Gestapo General?

Release the three prisoners
at once,

or you will suffer
the consequences.

Heil Hitler!

Heil Hitler, General.

I have received orders
to deliver these men to you.

I will do so at once.

I'm glad you see it my way.

Oh, boy, am I glad.

Halt!

Here are
your three prisoners.

Danke.

Put the prisoners
into the truck at once.

Jawohl,
Herr Colonel.

Inside!

Hey, look... isn't that
that terrible Colonel Schultz

from Stalag 13?

No, that's
the terrible Colonel Klink

from Stalag 13.

Don't send us back there,
sir, please.

No, it's inhuman.

We were happy here.

We even had a tunnel started.

All right, raus!

Inside the truck!

You heard the order!

Back, back, back,
back, back, back!

Back, back, back,
back, back, back!

There you are, sir.

Three prisoners.

Very good.

If you don't mind
my saying so,

it's a highly irregular way
of conducting military business.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

But...

I will tell you
who you are talking to.

I am the famous Colonel Klink!

The Iron Colonel.

Now he comes to life.

Arrest this man.

But, sir...

Have him shot andsent
to the Russian Front.

And believe me,
I can do it.

And what is more...

Uh, sir, Sergeant
Schultz

is waiting for you.

I am a very big man
with Sergeant...

Schultz?

Auf Wiedersehen.

Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel.

You, uh, must come
to visit us sometime.

Hey, Schultz, you were terrific.

Yeah, you really
told that major;

send him to the
Russian Front.

You gave him what for,
right and proper.

Hey, Schultzy,
where did you get the...?

Hey, Schultz,
what's the matter?

Colonel, he's fainted.

Blimey, so he has.

There's one thing
in our favor...

He was sitting down
when it happened.

I told you, sir,
that they are not here.

Calvelli, McPherson
undHilgenbecker.

There has never

been an escape
from Stalag 13.

Then I suggest

that someone is making a fool
of you, Colonel.

Impossible.

What's done is done.

The fact remains
that an officer

calling himself Colonel Klink
came to Stalag 4

and took those men.

Now, I was here
all last night

in my quarters
listening to the BBC.

I mean, the BBC Symphony.

I have them on records.

The man was over
six feet tall,

weighed 300 pounds,
with very...

military bearing.

Well, that certainly is not me.

And we have no such officer
in our camp.

Very well.

But I assure you,

the investigation
will be continued.

The nerve of him!

You know, sir,

the description
he gave fits Schultz.

Coming here and...

Schultz?

Our Schultz, an officer?

That's ridiculous.

Schultz an officer.

Colonel Hogan,
what happened?

They're looking
for a man, Schultz,

over six feet tall,
weight 300.

Do you think
there's a chance

they might find him?

No, but just
to be on the safe side,

why don't you go on a diet?

Colonel.

All right, men, fall out.