All language subtitles for Family Guy S07E15 Three Kings.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hi, it's me, Peter,
your TV cartoon pal.

You know, Lois has been
bitching lately

that I watch too much TV
and don't read enough books,

so I went to the library
and picked up three books

by the greatest author
of the last thousand years,
Stephen King.

And tonight I'd like
to share them with you.

We begin with a little tale
called Stand by Me,

about four young boys
who went looking
for a dead body

and instead found themselves

and also a dead body.

The year was 1955,

and the voice in my head
was that of Richard Dreyfuss.

I never had friends like
the ones I had when I was 12.

There was me, Petey Lachance.

Anyone else fed up
with this over-saturation
of media?

Three channels
and still nothing on.

Then there was Joey Duchamp.

The voice in his head
was Roy Scheider.

How are you, Richard?
Fine, Roy.

- How are you?
- Good, good.

We should grab a drink
sometime and catch up.

- Maybe reminisce about Jaws.
- Great.

You should
give me a call sometime.
My number is 555...

Wait, wait.
What? 555?

Yeah.

You know what, Richard?

If you don't want to
have drinks,
just say so.

You don't have to be
a dick about it.

Oh, please!
Make the voices stop!

And then there was
Quag Chambers.
He was the leader of our gang.

He had sex when he was five

and committed
his first rape
when he was 10,

rape, of course,
being legal in the '50s.

Beat those cards, fellas.

Giggity Giggity '50s Giggity.

Hey, you guys.

Finally,
there was Cleve Brown,
my pudgy black friend.

I can still see him now,
all pudgy and black.

Cleve, please.
We're busy
looking at Playboy.

Look at the way
these women
starve themselves.

This one can't be
more than 180 pounds.

This is way better than Playboy.

Do you guys want to
see a dead body?

Cleve, it's 1955.

Please re-enter the clubhouse
in a more stereotypically
animated fashion.

Lord almighty! I done seen me
a dead body down by the lake.

Sho' 'nough, I thought
I'd go deef and dumb
when I saw me that dead body.

Cleve, calm down.
You're not
making any sense.

♪ Every day
it's a-getting closer... ♪

Anything was possible
as we set out that day,

except contracting AIDS

because AIDS had not yet
been invented
by the government

in an effort to eradicate
the homosexual community.

♪ Have gun, will travel
reads the card of a man

♪ A knight without armor
in a savage land ♪

Okay, I got another one.

♪ Show me
that smile again

♪ Show me that smile

♪ Don't waste another
minute on your crying ♪

We decided
to cut through
Old Man Pressman's junkyard,

even though legend had it
that any kid
caught scaling the fence

ran the risk of being attacked
by the old man's dog,

who would charge to the cry of
"Chopper, sic balls."

I got a bad feeling about this.

Hey! What are
you kids doing?

Oh, no! It's him!

That's right.
I'm Old Man Pressman.
I own the junkyard.

I'm cranky 'cause
all my stuff is junk.

Why can't I have nice things?

Chopper, sic them.
Sic them, boy!

Now, he said,
"Sic them, boy."

But what I heard was,

"Chopper, talk to disfigured
World War II veterans

"who aren't as bitter
as they should be."

Glad I could do my part.

I think you may have
done too much.

Hey, how about
this brand new thing
called rock and roll?

Even though it was
just invented,
we already remember it fondly.

Here's Little Richard
with Piano Riff Woo.

♪ Woo!

♪ Woo!

♪ Woo!

♪ Woo!

♪ Woo!

♪ Woo!

♪ Woo! ♪

Fuck that.

Man, this trip is dangerous.
Couldn't we have
just taken a bus?

No... black guy.

Guys? Anyone know
when the next train
is scheduled?

Don't worry. If a train comes,
I'll warn you in slow motion.

Train!

My legs!

Another train!

What an odd,
clustered train schedule!

Hey, sorry you got
paralyzed, Joey.

That's all right.

Thanks for going all the way
back to the junkyard
to get me this wheelchair.

Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.

We talked into the night,

the kind of talk
that seemed important
until you discover girls.

This House Un-American
Activities Committee
is a travesty.

And if we go into
French Indochina, it'll
take us 30 years to get out.

Levittown-type
housing communities

will replace individualism
with fear and conformity.

What do you think
of that new kid
at school, Marty McFly?

Seems like he just showed up
out of nowhere.

Well, there it is.

None of us could breathe.

The twisted and mangled body
we had come to see

was far more disgusting
than any of us
could ever have imagined.

He's nasty.

I'm taking credit
for finding this body.

It was
the meanest guy in town,
Ace, and his whole gang,

Beast Man, Mer-Man and,
for some reason,
Norm from Cheers.

Hey, gang.
What, are we beating
somebody up?

Now, get lost.
We'll take it
from here.

Kiss my grits,
you cheap dime-store hood.

This ain't over, Lachance.

I mean, you have
a gun right now.

But tomorrow I'll get a gun
and come to your house
and kill you.

Oh. Yeah,
I guess you could
do that, huh?

I mean, we live
in the same town.

And I can't just be
on my guard
for the rest of my life.

Boy, that is a major hole
in this story.
Okay, take the body.

We never forgot
that wonderful summer.

And eventually we all went
our separate ways.

Joey learned to live
without the use of his legs

and even went on to create
a wheelchair-type rugby game

called Don't Feel Sorry
For Us Ball.

Cleve grew up
and went on to marry
Rebecca Romijn.

Actually, I'm not even
joking about that.

The fat kid from Stand by Me
is now married
to Rebecca Romijn.

Can you believe that?

I swear to God.
Look it up on the Internet.

Doesn't that piss you off?

Quag grew up to become
a famous Hollywood actor.

Unfortunately, about a week ago,

he took an overdose
of designer drugs
at The Viper Room.

He died on the curb outside,

and now we're left with
a harelipped reminder
of what might have been.

Hi. Welcome back
from commercials.

Joaquin Phoenix,
if you're
still watching,

you are a good sport
and a trouper,

and you passed our test,
and you can be our friend.

And now for a segment
we like a little less
than the first and the last.

Here's Misery.

Marcia, I've done it.

I've finished the book,
and Snuggly Jeff is dead.

And the readers
are just gonna love it.

Paul, I still wish
I could talk you
out of this.

Snuggly Jeff is the most
successful children's
book series ever.

Yeah, but I want to
get into writing
more serious stuff.

You know, something
where the reader
doesn't have

a load in his pants
while he's looking at it.

Well, we'll talk about it
when you get back.

This just in.

The Weather Service
has reported
a big snowstorm on its way.

Oh, my God!
Stephen King!

Hey, this would make
a neat story.

Done.

I'm your number-one fan.

I'm your number-one fan.
I'm your number-one fan.

Who... Who are you?

I'm Stewie Wilkes.
I saved your life.

You were in a terrible
car accident, and
you broke both your legs.

I taste lipstick.

Am I wearing lipstick?

Not anymore.

You know, I am a huge
Snuggly Jeff fan.
I've read all the books.

Great. Hey, can you
hand me my cell phone?

I gotta call my agent.
She's probably
worried sick about me.

It was destroyed
in the accident.

Well, can I use yours?
No reception up here.

Regular phone?
Lines are down.

Pay phone?
Road's closed.

E-mail?
Dial-up.

Fax?
Paper jam.

Morse code?
Obsolete.

Brain-damaged bicycle courier?

I'm not quite so sure
I can find my way.

Yeah, you're gonna
be here a while.

Paul, quick question,
and feel free to say no,

but I couldn't help but
notice the new Snuggly Jeff
manuscript in your bag.

And I was wondering
if I could read it,
then kill you if I hate it?

Well, I guess that'd be okay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Can I read it
while I touch your ear
and suck my thumb?

I guess.
Goody, goody!

Mmm. Mmm.

Stewie?

I just finished the book,
you dirty birdie.

How could you?
He can't be dead.

Snuggly Jeff cannot be dead!

Look, Stewie.
I've gone as far as I can
with Snuggly Jeff,

and I want to write
something more serious.

Well, you are gonna
write Snuggly Jeff
back to life, Mr. Man.

Look, Stewie,
first of all,
you're insane,

and second of all,
I have to be inspired
before I write.

Well, how about a little TV?

We now return
to Magnum, b.m.

Magnum, I found
a fingerprint smudge
at the crime scene.

Do you have poo on your hands?

A little.

No, no, no.
This won't do, Paul.

You can't just have Snuggly Jeff

magically
brought back to life
by a child's wish.

It's insulting to the reader.

What do you mean?

Well, it's just
bad storytelling.

Let's see.
How can I explain
this to you?

Did you ever see
the movie Contact?

Yeah.

So, like, they spent
a trillion dollars building
this mile-high space machine,

and Jake Busey blows it up.

So now they're all like,
"Oh, no! We can't use
the space machine."

But then this other guy's
like, "Hey,
it just so happens

"I built another identical
trillion-dollar space machine

"at my own expense
on the other side
of the world."

And we're supposed
to believe
no one noticed that?

Well, I stood up
in the theater,
and I said, "No!

"You can't go into space
because the machine

"already got blown up
by Jake-cockadoody-Busey."

Start over!
Fine.

But you're gonna have to
go into town and get me
some more paper. I'm all out.

I don't know, Paul.
Let me see if I can get
the Big Wheel started.

I don't know, Paul.
It's not starting.

I'm afraid I'm gonna flood it.

Okay, I got it now.
I'll see you in a bit.

He's too big for that car.

Mr. Sheldon?

Oh, my God! I'm saved!

Let's get out of here
before Stewie gets back.

My legs!

Now I'm gonna have to
spend the rest of my life
in a wheelchair.

No, you're not.

Well, that's it, Stewie.
The book is done.

Can I go now?

Oh, no, Paul.
I'm not stupid.

If I let you go,
you'll just run
straight to the police

and tell them
I kidnapped you
and held you hostage

and fondled you
while you were asleep.

No, I... Wait. What?

You'll tell them
that while
you were sleeping

I did things to you
that you don't remember.

You fondled me
while I was asleep?

Yeah.

I don't think I like that.

Well, it's done.

Everybody still awake?
All right, big finish.

Now, you remember
that Stephen King story

when the guy went up
to the empty hotel?

And there were those
creepy twins?

And the guy
was running around
with that ax?

And the kid talked
to his finger?

Can't you see Stewie doing that?

Well, here's
The Shawshank Redemption.

The first time
I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne,
I didn't think much of him.

He was a fat drink of water,

the kind of drink of water
that you know your friend
got from the bathroom

and not from the kitchen.

Ne breaks first tonight.

You're on.
I'll take the Don
Martin-looking one.

Welcome to Shawshank Prison.
I'll be your warden.

And even though I'm the only
character in this movie
who's not a criminal,

I will be the bad guy.

Tomorrow's lunch
is American chop suey,

so you came here
on a good day.
Good lunch.

Look at those smiles.

All right, lights out, ladies.

It's funny because
we are not ladies,
we are men.

Shut up.

As it turned out,
that somebody was me.

Vagina boob.

Later, Andy came back
with more than two words.

I understand you're a man
who knows how to get things.

I've been known to procure
various and sundry items.

I don't understand
what you just said.
I need stuff. Can you get it?

What do you need?
I need a rock hammer.

What's it for?

I carve Star Wars
figurines out of stone,

but it's also
for not tunneling
my way out of here.

Wow. Can you carve me
a set of women's
private parts out of stone?

Sure. Or you could
just have sex
with Helen Hunt.

We've only had one conversation,

but I can tell
we're gonna be
lifelong friends.

And since
you're black
and I'm white,

that makes it
more special
for the audience.

Inspection.

You Andy Dufresne?
A little bit. You?

I'm just jiggling your balls.
What can I do for you?

I understand you make
Star Wars figurines.

Oh, Grievous.
Wicked!

Well, anyway,
I'm a pretty corrupt guy,

so I figured
I could sell your figurines
and pocket the cash.

What do you say?
I don't know.

Come on. I'll even
cripple that guy who
rapes you in the shower.

But I like that guy.
Too late.

My legs!

Two things never happened
again after that.

Bogs never walked again,

and Andy's farts never made
a sound again.

Thanks to the Star Wars
figurines Andy carved,

he landed a cushy job
cleaning the warden's office.

Okay, you clean up
the warden's office while
I go pop out a pinecone.

Hey, you know what'd be funny?

You should take one of
those records and play it
over the PA system.

No, you shouldn't do that,
but it'd be funny.

Okay, I'll be back
in three
and a half minutes,

the average length of a song
on any long-playing album.

♪ A few times
I've been around that track

♪ So it's not just
gonna happen like that

♪ 'Cause I ain't no
hollaback girl

♪ I ain't no hollaback girl

To this day,
I have no idea what
that woman was singing about.

Like, literally no idea.

I don't know
what a hollaback girl is,

but I have to imagine
it's a foul,
disease-ridden thing

that wears too much makeup
to cover up the fact that
it's a 47-year-old fish dog.

Andy, I think you know
why I've called you
in here today.

A prison is an environment
which requires the
highest level of discipline.

And that little stunt
you pulled today...

That little stunt
you pulled today made a lot of
people look very foolish.

Look, Warden,
we got it rough in here.

I just thought
we could use a little music.

Music is expressly forbidden
inside prison walls.

My God! How can you
be so obtuse?

What did you call me?

Obtuse.
You're being obtuse.

Two months in the hole.

Or am I being obtuse?

No, now you're being acute.

Changed old Andy.

I'm getting out of here
tonight, Red.

I'm gonna take
the poop pipe
to the crap swamp.

Wow. Where are you headed
once you get out?

Zihuatanejo.

Sounds fancy.

Well, actually,
it's a filthy
Mexican village.

Listen, Red,
when you get out
of here,

I want you to do
something for me.

Up in a hayfield
in Buxton, Maine,
under an old oak tree,

there's a rock
that has no earthly business
being there.

It's black volcanic glass,
has no business being there.

Under that rock is a box
with something
I want you to have.

Of course,
now I think about it,
I've been in here 25 years.

All these landmarks
are based on possibly
outdated observations.

That whole area could be
a Walmart by now.

If it is, pick yourself up
some nice cheap pants,
and good life to you.

Inspection.

Dufresne? Dufresne?

Dufresne, you better
get your ass out here

before you make me
cut this sentence...

Where is he?
Where the hell
is Dufresne?

I don't know, sir.

Hey, we have almost
the same voice.

Excuse me,
I'm the prison doctor.

I'm here for Andy's check-up.

Andy Dufresne?
Yeah, Andy Dufresne.

We can't find him.
Well, that's no good.

All right, you two
are gonna
have to leave.

I want him found now.
Not after breakfast,
not after CSI, now.

God, I'm so angry I could
just throw a rock at that
poster of David Cassidy.

What the warden
and his boys didn't realize

was that Andy Dufresne had
escaped from Shawshank Prison
the night before.

♪ So no one told you
life was gonna be this way ♪

Andy crawled to freedom

through 500 yards of foulness
I can't even imagine.

Andy Dufresne,

the man who crawled
through a river of poop

and came out clean
on the other side.

Why he chose enchilada night,
I will never know.

Do you believe
in your best judgment

that you have
been rehabilitated?

Rehabilitated?

It's just a stupid made-up word

so boys like you
can sit behind a desk,

wear a fancy suit,
and feel important.

You're a jerk,
and I had sex
with your mother last night.

And I swear to God,

you let me out of here,
first thing I'm gonna do
is kill again.

When I got out
of Shawshank, there was
only one thing on my mind.

A promise I made to a friend
that I had to keep.

Walk along
the stone wall
until you reach the tree,

and that's where
you'll find the rock.

"Dear Red,
if you've come this far,

"maybe you're willing
to go a little further.

"You remember the name
of the town in Mexico, right?"

Shit!

What? Is that him?
Is that...
No, no. Beach dog.

Is that Red? Is it...
No, no. Not him either.

Where the hell is that jack-off?

There's, like,
1,200 bucks in that box.

Oh, my God. If he ran off
with that, oh,
I am gonna be so pissed.

And what am I gonna do,
go to the authorities?

I just broke out
of prison.
Now what?

I gotta spend
the rest of my life
here by myself?

Well, at least I won't
have to be self-conscious
about my farting.

Well, that's our show.

Thank you, Stephen King.
We'll see you in court.

Now stay tuned for
whatever Fox is
limping to the barn with.

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