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- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -

It's pretty cool
we got our own mural, huh?

Eh, don't get too excited.

You know who else has one?

- The Ox-Bow Incident.
- What is that?

Set in Bridger's Wells, Nevada in 1885,

The Ox-Bow Incident is a tale
of cowboys, cattle and conflict.

If you guys could just take a seat.

Okay, here we go.

It seems today that all you see...

Okay, welcome to Family Guy
DVD commentary for episode 1614.

I'm Peter Griffin,
joined by my wife Lois,

our dog Brian,

and our children, Meg, Stewie and Chris.

And for you kids out
there, DVDs were plastic discs...

I-I got this, Brian.

Have you ever been
at your grandmother's house

and you look at her weird, old computer,

and there's, like,
a crack on the side of it?

That's DVDs.

Oh, and animation producer
Shannon Smith is here, too.

Glad to be here. This is actually...

Oh, wait, wait. Look, look.

Lot of people don't know this,

but that house is actually in Burbank.

People keep stealing their mailbox.

We now return to

"Winona Ryder Distracting from
Other Speeches in History."

Four score and seven years ago...

Wow, yeah, yeah, I remember this.

Winona Ryder kind of hung out
on set all day,

and it, uh, wore a little thin
on all of us.

Yeah, I actually had to

close a door on her at one point.

I-I just remember she stole

a ton of LUNA Bars
from the office kitchen.

Like-like, filled a whole duffel bag.

Great news, everyone.

The new smartphone
from Crabapple is out.

The new Crabapple phone? Awesome!

Yeah, the network doesn't like us using

the names of actual companies
on the show.

It's not so bad, though.

We can still say Burger Kong,
McDarrel's, Kooka Cola,

Pipsi, Chevrolump and all the big ones.

I want to be the first
to get the new phone.

I don't care if it takes all day.

Don't you have work?

Eh, I wouldn't mind missing work.

There's a secretary
looking for reassurance

about her overly short haircut.

I saw it in a magazine.

I needed a fresh start.

Stop pretending to stare at your phones,

and just say you hate it.

Sir, I am trying to read.

Ah, the writer credits have begun.

I'm gonna give personal facts

about each of the names that pops up.

Mom, will you tie my shoes?

Smokes on the no-smoking balcony.

Weird church guy.

Instagrams cowboy hats at 3:00 a.m.

Pushed his wife at a party.

Oh, my God, Cherry's the best.

We love her. Hi, Cherry. We love you.

Kids, time to gather up
our old cords and chargers

that no longer work
and throw them in the garbage.

We can't do that.

Don't you know a lot
of discarded electronics

end up in the ocean
and kill sea turtles?

Well, then let's cut out the middleman.

I'm sorry. There's a new phone.

That was cool.
I got to go to Fiji for that.

They got a ton of turtles there.

You can kill 'em, nobody cares.

Oh my gosh. I just got it.

Crab-apple.

Take a lap, Meg.
Think about what you said.

Hey. Gold phone is mine.

Already match fingernail.

Oh, this is where I fight
that woman for the phone.

I was here first! That's mine!

You know, I actually
had a couple of ad-libs

about Chinese working conditions

that somehow didn't make it
into the final cut.

All you said was,
"Children make iPhones."

This is a comedy show,
not Mark Ruffalo's Twitter.

She wanted it more than me.

Take it easy, huh?

Peter, I'm just not sure
it's such a great idea

that everyone in the family
got a new cell phone.

Is that my bottle of water?

Wh-What?

That open bottle...
Is that yours or mine?

I-I... I don't know. Maybe yours?

This is why we need a Sharpie in here

to put our names on our water!

Geez, Chris. What the hell?

Chris, relax. Have a Pipsi.

Good morning, everybod...

Damn it!

She's just gonna keep it like
that for the next three years.

You know, there's truth to that.

You-you can tell a lot about a person

whose cell phone screen is cracked.

Like-like, if they're a girl,

they definitely celebrate
their birth week.

Oh, yeah. Just trash.

Damn it, those phones have

turned you all into mindless drones.

I knew this would happen.

Getting those things
was a worse idea than...

You know, for an extra $12 a month,

you can insure your screen,
and they'll replace it for free.

Nice going, Meg.

You talked over the setup
of this cutaway,

and now we don't know what's going on.

Looks like Nicki Minaj,

Iggy Azalea and Madonna
are robbing a bank.

Um... they're butt bandits?

"Ocean's 36-24-49?"

Oh, I remember. They're all skanks.

"Getting new phones was a worse
idea than a skank robbery."

- Oh, yeah.
- Right, skank robbery.

I'm sorry, that's not funny.

Today's sermon is about perseverance.

When I was run out of Boston
by the Spotlight team,

I could've hung up my collar.

Oh, my God. Again?

You guys have got to put those away.

You can't be on your phones in here.

Relax, Lois. It's just
stupid, boring church.

Not like we're gonna miss anything.

But instead, I packed my Bibles
and my Tootsie Pops

and headed down to Quahog.

With a renewed sense of spirit
and a renewed reverence for...

Jesus Christ?

Uh, guys, sorry to interrupt.

Danny the intern is here
with your paychecks.

Oh, thanks, Danny.

Hey, Chris, here's your paycheck.

Yeah, that gets
forwarded right to DraftKings.

What's going on in there, Ollie?

- He came back!
- How is he?

- Mad!
- Thanks, Ollie.

H-Hold on, Danny, it looks like

you accidentally gave me Peter's check.

Wait. What the hell?

This number is four times what I make.

Peter, you always said
you made the same as me.

I'm sorry, Lois.

I couldn't hear you
over Meg's Snickers wrapper.

- What's this, now?
- I can't believe this, Peter.

Y-You lied to me.

Let's get out of here, other altar boys.

This is bull crap.

I'm calling Fox
or Disney payroll right now.

Fox or Disney payroll.

- Yeah, hi. This is Lois Griff...
- Please hold.

Of course.

Yeah, Mom, that's not fair.

Meg is right. That's not fair.

Thank you for continuing to hold.

Turn my family into brain-dead robots.

In fact, you know what?

We're finally going
to Old Sturbridge Village.

Thank you for continuing to hold.

See what life was like
before all these screens.

A place where people farm
their own food,

make their own clothing
and read books...

Thank you for continuing to hold.

Oh, come on, Lois, you only want to go

to Old Sturbridge Village
'cause you once got

hand-blasted there on a field trip.

Yes, let's just say the candles

weren't the only thing being hot-dipped.

You see, Brian?
That's how you do an ad-lib.

Went right in.

Thanks for holding.

How may I help you, Mrs. Griffin?

Yeah, I'll tell you how.

You can explain to me why my husband

makes four times as much money as I do.

Oh, um... okay, this is awkward.

But I... I, um... I assumed you knew.

Mr. Griffin was able
to negotiate a higher salary

because he's still paying
alimony to his first wife.

"First wife"? What?

Peter, you were married before?

We actually freelance
all our explosion animation.

Who are you again?

- I-I'm Shannon Smith.
- Shannon. Take a lap.

Never go to church.

How come you never told me
you were married before?

I don't know. Just never came up.

Never came up?! Well, who was she?

- Sarah Paulson.
- Who?

Wait, isn't she that actress

who's always biting her lip?

Her very full lip.

I honestly have no idea
who they're talking about.

Come on, Sarah Paulson's
been in a lot of stuff, Chris.

Okay, pulled her up on my phone.

Looks vaguely familiar.

But I would legitimately suggest

that people pause this right now
and Google her.

Wait. Wasn't Sarah Paulson

a guest star in this exact episode?

Yeah, in fact, she was in this O.J. gag.

Ah, look, Predator
just cut her head off.

Not for real, though.
For real, she's actually

coming into the booth right now
to be part of this commentary.

Hi, everybody. So sorry I'm late.

I was stuck in the canyon.

Is... is that a
euphemism for lesbian sex?

I don't think I've met everyone.
I'm Sarah.

I understand you and
Peter used to be married.

Oh, that.

Feels like ancient history.

I like your shoulder
blades, Miss Paulson.

They're very... jutty.

Have a seat, Sarah.

Shall I explain what we're doing here?

That's okay. It seems just like

when I would do ADR
for American Horror Story,

for which I have received
five Emmy nominations.

Well, some of us have awards,

some of us have children.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I don't know.

You're the smart award winner.
You figure it out.

Because this is a godless show.

All right, I'll do it.

I'll pretend to be sick

to get out of going
to Old Sturbridge Village.

Mm, still 126.

Oh, I wish you were feeling
well enough to come.

Maybe I should stay home
and take care of you.

No. Go, Lois.

Go watch dead-eyed
pale women make bread.

So, Lois, what will you be
wearing to the Emmys this year?

I think you know I won't be there.

I won a surfboard
at the Teen Choice Awards.

I left it in the kitchen at work,

hoping someone would take it.

No one did.

Eat a meatball sub
and watch football all day.

Man, this is an even better scam

than Ferris Bueller's Day On.

Okay, I need you to file these

and not be working
with a shampoo Mohawk.

So, Sarah, I-I guess you
chose not to take Peter's name, huh?

Decided to stick with "Paulson"?

Yeah, his name just felt

kind of, I don't know, rough, you know?

"Griffin."

Right?

Just sounds kind of brutish
and low-class.

I also won an Emmy for
my performance as Marcia Clark

in The People vs. O.J. Simpson.

You won an Emmy for wearing a wig.

Peter, may I speak with you outside?

Oh, boy.

Uh-oh. I think I'm stuck.

Oh, right, this is where

the fat man got stuck
in the banister slats.

Stewie, I'm gonna give
you another crack at that,

because I believe
what you meant to call them was

"baluster slats," not "banister slats."

"Banister," "baluster." Same thing.

Stewie,

"banister" and "baluster"
are hardly the same things.

A banister is the handrail that
sits atop the upright supports.

A baluster is the
supporting structure itself.

- Is this my water?
- No, it is not!

Brian, I've heard
people say "banister slats."

Well, those people,
like you, would be incorrect.

So, the baluster is that

big, round thing
at the bottom of the stairs

- where the staircase begins?
- "Big, round thing"?

You're...
you're just guessing stuff now.

I believe what you're
referring to is a newel post.

Mom and Dad are still out there arguing.

Shouldn't they be in here?

I'll get 'em.

Wasn't Shannon, like, a P.A. here once?

Shut your mouth.

Shannon's the only professional
in this building.

Friends were getting married.

- How could I not know this?!
- Hey, guys?

We have to deliver this episode
to the network today.

Oh, you guys are back

just in time for my big role.

Hey, take it down a notch, Sarah.

You don't even have an entry
on the Family Guy wiki.

Even Gronk's dad has one.

Welcome to Old Sturbridge
Village, everyone.

Here's a fun fact.

In colonial times, butter
and soap were the same thing.

I get that it's a fact,
but how is it fun?

Oh, my God!

How the hell am I gonna get out of this?

Shh. Nobody talk for the next minute.

I'm about to sing my big song.

Oh, go to hell, Peter.

It's no use.

I guess I'm just stuck...

halfway down the stairs.

Halfway down the stairs

Is a stair where I sit

There isn't any other stair

Quite like it...

What the hell is this?

PETER: I'll tell you what it is:

an homage to a classic song
from The Muppet Show,

sung by Kermit's nephew, Robin.

I guarantee nobody got that.

I know this song.

Oh, shut up, Sarah!

Where I always stop

Halfway up the stairs...

I don't believe this.

You're just singing
the same song a frog sang.

How the hell was this
not cut from the show?

I kind of insisted they keep it.

I actually laid
in my parking space as a protest

until they gave in.

And all sorts of funny thoughts run...

This is the stupidest
thing I've ever seen.

Um, are they setting up

a buffet lunch for us after this?

No, I think it's just pizza.

Can we please just listen to the song?

Halfway down the stairs

Is a stair where I sit

There isn't any other stair

Quite like it

I'm not at the bottom

I'm not at the top...

Are there even any jokes in the song?

Do you not understand comedy?

It's a reference.
The joke is I'm singing it.

Sorry to break it to
you... that's not a joke.

Damn it, now it's over.

Thanks a lot, Lois.
You completely ruined it.

You better not take that tone with me,

'cause this has been one hell of a day.

First, I find out you make
four times what I do.

Then I find out you were married before?

I mean, what else don't I know?

Well, if we're being honest, Lois,

you're really bad at having sex
when I'm drunk.

It's like you don't even enjoy it.

You're impossible!

Do not speak to the wicked.

Throw heads of cabbage at him.

Damn it, Peter, this is all your fault.

They're not even going
to explain how we all got stuck?

Season 16, ladies and gentlemen.

Suddenly, the family is stuck
in the banister slats.

Baluster.

STEWIE: Brian, seriously, (BLEEP).

I can get us out of here.

I'm good at figuring things out.

Like when I figured out
the secret of business:

pointing at stuff during meetings.

Peter, there's something you don't know.

Chris might not even be your son.

What?

I once slept with
Philip Seymour Hoffman.

You what?

These montage-style cutaway gags

provide the animators the freedom

to go "beyond the page," as we say.

You slept with Philip Seymour Hoffman?

I sure did.

It was in his trailer during
that tornado chasing movie.

And all I know is, nine months later,

Chris is born.

Yay! I'm a bastard!

This scene reminds me of the time

I was being honored
at the Kennedy Center...

Oh, baloney sandwich, Sarah!

Baloney sandwich!

In fact, you know what?!

I'm tired of it, Peter!

You're dishonest, you're disrespectful,

and, frankly, I deserve better!

So... so what are you saying, Lois?

I'm saying this marriage is over.

Enjoy spending the rest
of your life alone,

and enjoy doing the show
without me, 'cause I quit!

building a chair with my male friends.

Yeah, I can't believe...

Hi. Shannon Smith again.

You know, if you need a new
Lois, I do a pretty good one.

Peter!

That was sad.

Well, that was unexpected.

Well, I really regret confiscating

everyone's phones now.

How the hell
are we gonna get out of here?

I got no idea, but we're in trouble.

Even more than when we were
literally in the game Trouble.

Welcome back to the
DVD commentary episode.

If you're just joining us,
Lois has stormed out

and announced that she's
quitting the show after learning

that Peter and Sarah Paulson
were once married.

She also said Chris's dad
might be Philip Seymour Hoffman.

More like
See-less Hoffman these days, right?

Hey, Patrick, can we edit that out?

- Yeah.
- Okay, good, let's do that.

I don't see it.

Okay, there's also a real rock

you can throw through the glass.

I found the fake one.

Great.

Oh, thank God. Can you get us out of...

Man, this is gonna be
easier than I thought.

- Wait, you're robbing us?
- Sure am.

And apparently,
I can take my sweet time.

Dad, I'm really worried about Mom.

Should we maybe check on her?

Or be thinking about
a paternity test for Chris?

You're right, Meg. This is awful.

You think your mother's actually serious

about divorcing me
and quitting the show?

And what was all that stuff
about Chris not being my son?

That-that can't be true, right?

It's a burglar party!

Hey, remember the one day
that guy who plays the burglar

was on set, he was passing out postcards

for his one-man show?

- So tacky.
- I went.

Wasn't bad. I think I sat
next to his girlfriend,

'cause she laughed at everything.

I've got a package
for a... Brian Griffin.

I'm Brian Griffin.

Great. Sign here.

Thanks.

All right, you guys.

Who's ready to have some fun?

Hey, Brian, they used your account

to buy a karaoke machine.

Halfway down the stairs...

And she said no
one would know that song.

Well, look. The burglars know it.

Oh, you're kidding me.
They're doing my song.

There isn't any other stair
quite like it...

I-I gotta go find your mother,
talk some sense back into her.

No need, Peter. Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

- Seth MacFarlane.
- Holy crap.

It's the mouse from Sing.

I'd recognize your voice anywhere.

Okay, settle down.

Mr. MacFarlane...

what are you doing here?

I'm actually here to tell you

there's no need to talk sense into Lois.

Or for a paternity test.

Or for anyone to leave the show,

because none of you are real.

You're all TV characters voiced by me,

Alex Borstein, Seth Green
and Mila Kunis.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

- Hi, everybody.
- Wait. What?

Okay, ha-hang on a second.

If I'm not real,
then why does a fat nerd

pretend to be me at every Comic-Con?

Please, please don't mention him.

- It'll only encourage him.
- And if you're me,

then why do you sound like my dog?

Because I'm also
the voice of your dog, Brian.

Wait. You do my voice, too?

Yeah, I do your voice.

So, the guy who handles your money,

he knows you by voice, right?

That's usually just a call.

Wait a second. If Dad's not real,

then he's not really my dad,
which means I'm not real?

That's right, Meg.

You're voiced by me, Mila Kunis.

MEG: Okay, question:

Why is the girl who voices me
super hot and I'm not?

Aw, that's so sweet.

You know, believe it or not,
I've actually had two kids.

Um, Ms. Kunis,
I would just like you to know

that I have no problem with you
breastfeeding in this booth.

May I ask if you're still producing?

Uh, I, uh... no, uh, Chris,

I'm-I'm not, uh... uh, producing.

What about you, Miss Paulson?
Are you producing?

I can see coming here was a mistake.

Excuse me, Seth Green...

Chris, I'm a man. I-I can't produce.

Actually, I just wanted to say

I enjoy your brilliant work
on Robot Chicken.

Wait, Seth Green,

are you feeding yourself
compliments now?

Well, let's just hear Chris out.

Okay, you know what?
We're getting off track here.

Like I was saying,
none of you actually exists.

Yes, you keep saying that.

Stop telling such horrible lies.

Oh, Seth, since you're here,

would you mind recording
episodes 17, 14, 15, 16,

and an NFL on Fox promo?

Shannon, take a lap.

Oh, hey, look.

- Mom's back.
- Don't get excited.

I forgot my paycheck.

Lois, you can't leave the show.

Oh, yeah? Why not?

Well, the captain of the Orville says

that none of us are real...
We're all cartoon characters.

Not real? What-what the
hell are you talking about?

He's right, Lois.

Uh, my name's Alex Borstein,
and I do your voice on the show.

Are you saying the
rough-edged comedy manager

from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
does my voice?

I'm so honored.

I love that show. You are hilarious.

Yeah, Seth Green already did this bit.

So, you're really
saying that we don't exist?

Peter, I-I'm not even sure
what this means,

but it sure makes it seem less important

how much money you make compared to me

or that maybe you neglected to tell me

everything about your past.

Yeah, none of that stuff matters.

You're right, Peter.

I love you, and whatever we share,

whether it's real or not,

I don't want to give any of it up.

Me, either.

It's safe and familiar here with you.

So let's just bury our troubles
and cling to whatever this is.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about Philip Seymour Hoffman.

It's fine. None of that matters.

Look, the truth is...

Again, this is Seth, not Brian...

The truth is, you should all be thankful

you're animated characters.

Peter, you can drink
as much as you want,

and nothing bad will ever happen.

Lois, you haven't aged in decades.

Stewie, you get to travel through time

and do things no baby could ever do.

And, Brian, you've had sex
with more hot women

than a real dog
could ever reasonably expect.

Meg, I'll admit, you got the shaft.

Your actual life is better
than your cartoon life.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need all the real actors

to form a human shield around me
so I can get out of the building

without the American Dad people
seeing me.

Well, from now on, Peter,

- I'm not going any...
- Quiet!

My character's talking!

Honestly, Peter, I don't know how you...

I know. That right there
was the main reason we split up.

Wiped out by the German aphid,

which was oddly brought by the Swedes

during the Great Depression...

Which, for those of you
who are too young,

was like a decade-long case
of the Mondays.

Well, I'm guessing you folks
are from out of town, too.

I never got that joke.

Well, you guys, I guess we all
learned something

about not letting technology
rule our lives.

And, Mom, next time we get
baluster slats,

let's make sure there's enough
room to get our heads out.

Okay, thanks for watching
this outmoded form of entertainment.

Now let's all go around the horn

and say what our favorite part
of the episode was.

- Chris?
- Pass.

- Meg?
- Don't care.

Okay, Stewie's asleep,

and I can see Brian
driving away in his car.

And just so you know,
he doesn't drive a Prius

like you see on the show.

He actually drives a white,
convertible Mercedes.

Basically the car
a lady Realtor would drive.

Oh, animation producer Shannon Smith,

I see you're still here.
You want to say something?

Thanks, Peter. Actually...

Oh, Fuzzy Door. Bye.