Original subtitles

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[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

All right, grab all the cash from the register and safe,

but don't eat nothing.

Mrs. M's my great-auntie.

SPIDER-MAN: So you'll rob the piggy bank, but won't touch the cookie jar?

Wow. You must qualify for Nephew of the Year.

Twisted division.

Spider-Man. Get him!

"Spider-Man. Get him."

Really? Is that the best you got?

I mean, I go to all this trouble

to turn you into famous Spider-perps.

The least you could do is keep things interesting.

I always do.

[GRUNTING]

[

]

I'm really quite creative.

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

[YELLS]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[POLICE RADIO CHATTERING]

Now, let's review that to-do list.

Stopped the crime: Check.

Took pictures of my web-slinging self

to win the Daily Bugle's photo contest:

Check, check.

Hightail it home before curfew: Check, check, check.

Yup, for once, I'm making all the right moves.

All the smart choices.

[

MARTHA: Curt?

Uh, yeah. Right there, hon.

[GROANS]

[GASPS]

[

]

[

]

Livin' on the edge Fighting crime, spinning webs

Swinging from The highest ledge

He can leap above our heads

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, ah Ah, ah, ah

Villains on the rise And the city's victimized

Looking up with no surprise Arriving in the speed of time

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

Ah, ah, ah Ah, ah, ah

Spectacular Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular Spectacular Spider-Man

[MAY SIGHS]

MAY: All these bills.

PETER: I'm home.

And before 10.

Thank you very much.

Peter, making your curfew with only seconds to spare

is hardly cause for celebration.

Aunt May, don't stress, okay?

I know you've been struggling to make ends meet.

But that's all about to change.

Believe me.

[DOOR OPENS]

CURT: Billy's reading about lizards?

He wanted to know about

those new skinks at the lab.

[YAWNS]

He's a Connors.

Come on, let's go to bed.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Yup, Aunt May's troubles are over.

That prize money is as good as-- [BEEPS]

No. The window caught the flash.

They're all useless.

[GROANS]

[CURT GROANING]

[PANTING]

[GROANING]

Aargh! [GASPS]

Curt, what is it?

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

I can't believe it.

CURT: It worked.

What worked? What did you--?

Curt, tell me you didn't use that lizard DNA formula.

Some lizards regenerate lost limbs.

And some lizards stick to walls and eat raw meat.

That doesn't mean you risk your life--

Martha, look at the results.

Don't you see what this means?

To me? To the world?

We can literally heal millions--

Mom? Dad?

Hey, partner!

Whoa! Dad, your arm!

[BILLY LAUGHS]

[ALARM RINGING]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Ha. There's Parker.

FLASH: Ha-ha. This is perfect.

By the time we're through,

he'll be a shivering, wet rat.

I mean, more than usual.

Dude, you missed. Tsk.

Dumb luck. Jerk's lousy with it.

Hey, puny Parker!

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL GASP]

Whoa. Check out Parker.

BOY: They didn't nail him once.

GIRL: How'd he do that?

PETER: Oh, secret identities reek.

Come on, quarterback, can't you complete a single--?

[ALL LAUGHING]

BOY: Yeah.

[

]

Move, geekette, or you're next.

Please, you haven't got the game.

If you could hit a target under pressure

would we have lost to Bronx Tech?

You choked like a cat with a hairball.

[ALL LAUGHING]

BOY: Yeah.

Dude, you want some aloe vera for that burn?

Come on, Einsteins.

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING] [SIGHS]

Anything's better than just standing there and taking it.

Excuse me?

Standing there and taking it is Nerd Survival 101.

Besides, I got bigger problems.

Still no Spider-Man pictures, huh?

Pete, counting on winning that prize money

for your aunt might not be--

What else am I supposed to do?

I never asked to be broke, or semi-grounded,

or smart enough to be Flash's drenching boy.

You stop right there.

I'm so not letting you wish away your big brain.

If it's so big, how come it can't solve my problems?

Big, but unripe.

Give it time, cantaloupe boy.

About time. The Connors are due back any minute.

Here, bro. We've still got cleaning--

CURT: Save it for later, kids.

First, we celebrate.

Ooh, cake.

BOTH: Chocolate.

What exactly are we celebrat--?

Y-Your hand. Your right hand.

[CURT & EDDIE GRUNTING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

Ha-ha, gotcha!

Uh, sorry.

What, are you kidding? Do you know how thrilled I am

to lose at arm-wrestling?

Doc, this is huge. Your lizard formula's the cure

for, like, every lost limb and amputation in the world.

We're talking guaranteed Nobel Prize.

Slow down, Eddie.

Bad enough my husband used himself as a guinea--

[

]

Billy, uh, Eddie installed

"Space Wackos II" on the office computer.

"Wackos"? Wicked!

If you're gonna crank the volume,

close the door, please.

Take off your shirt, dear. What, are you kidding?

It's freezing in here.

All right.

[

]

What?

MARTHA: Lizard DNA is more primitive than human

and the reptilian part of your brain is growing.

It's growing. I'm regressing.

I can feel the change.

[GRUNTS]

Curt, please.

You need to keep a clear head.

No, you need to hurry.

I'm losing control.

[SIGHS]

The formula creates new reptile sequences

faster than I can ID them.

I don't know how we'll knock them all down.

Wait, bro. What if we work from the other end?

Create a human DNA filter

that knocks out the lizard code?

Like the noise filter on a cell phone.

Yeah, nice try, bro, but--

MARTHA: No, wait!

That could work.

A gene cleanser.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Ah, I should've seen it before.

My notes. They'll have all the data we need.

So it'll remove any non-human DNA.

PETER: Even spider.

Hey, Billy. How long were you listening?

I don't wanna talk about that.

Okay.

What do you wanna talk about?

The book says some lizards lay hundreds of eggs

and never see them hatch. Uh-huh.

Most of the babies get eaten by predators.

And the parents don't even care,

[WHISPERING] because they've only got lizard brains.

Billy, trust me.

Your dad will always care about you.

Even if he turns into a monster?

[CURT SCREAMS]

[CURT GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

Curt.

I-- I've made...

...a terrible mistake.

[SCREAMING]

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

[GROWLING]

[ROARS]

[

]

Curt?

Curt, do you recognize me?

[GROWLING]

[HISSES]

Doc, stop. We just wanna--

[BOTH GRUNT]

[ROARS]

Eddie. Finish the gene cleanser.

I'll follow the doc and call in with a location.

Uh, I should get going too.

Aunt May will ground me if I'm not home by 10.

Pete, you can't leave now.

We have to help.

Well, I just--

I can't be late. She worries.

Peter, wait.

How could he just...? I guess...

I guess he's scared.

First Electro, now this.

It's overwhelming.

And he's only 16.

I'm 16.

I-- I know.

And thank you.

[

]

[CROWD GASPS]

Now, if I were 6'5" lizard instead of a 5'6" spider,

where would I hide?

[ALL SHOUTING]

WOMAN: What is that thing?

Duh, underground.

[LIZARD HISSES] [ALL SCREAMING]

Don't panic. Just head for the exit.

[GRUNTS]

[CROWD SCREAMING]

[LIZARD ROARS]

[GIRL SCREAMS]

Sorry, pal, no eating in the subway.

[

]

Dr. Connors, we have to get you back to the lab, understand?

Dr. C, you in there?

[ROARS]

Okay, maybe not.

Oh, yikes!

Can you say halitosis?

[ROARS]

I knew that you could.

[GROWLING]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Okay, doc, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.

[SPIDER-MAN GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

Oh, yeah. Definitely hurts me more than you.

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

Watch that third rail, web-head.

[GROANING]

Okay, Lizzie. Where'd you get to now?

Hey, wall-crawling's my shtick!

Hey, you start spinning a web and I'll sue.

[GRUNTS]

MAN [ON PA]: Number 2 Express to the Bronx.

Please stand clear of the closing doors.

[GROANS]

Anyone get the number of that--? Uh-oh.

[

]

[GRUNTS]

[LIZARD ROARS]

[GROWLS]

[ROARS]

[GROANS]

[THUDDING OVERHEAD]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL GASP]

[ROARS]

[PASSENGERS SCREAM]

[LIZARD ROARS]

[

]

[LIZARD ROARS]

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

[

]

Okay, you big, dumb gecko.

[GASPS]

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

So much for plan A.

W-We're done?

I think so. It all squares with Curt's research.

Of course, there's only one way to test it,

and since Curt's hide is so thick,

we'll have to find a way to make him drink it.

SPIDER-MAN: Maybe by asking for help from a guy in a spider onesie?

BOTH: Spider-Man. I get that reaction a lot.

How did you know we needed you?

Uh, my spider-sense was tingling?

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

It's me. He's at the Bronx Zoo.

[GROWLING]

Tell your friend to stay clear of the Lizard.

I'm on my way.

EDDIE: Was that--? Our local hero.

He'll be there soon and I'll be right behind him.

Can you stay with Billy? Of course.

Dr. Connors!

[ELEPHANTS TRUMPET]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SNAKE RATTLES]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

I get that reaction a lot too.

I think he's in there with the other creepy-crawlies.

Must've smelled them or something.

Good. Stay put.

Huh. Phew!

Like a sauna in here.

And me without my Spidey trunks.

[GROWLING SOFTLY]

Gotcha! [GROWLING]

Oh, perfect.

[GRUNTING]

In-laws.

[

]

[GROWLING]

[ROARS]

[

]

[GROWLING]

[

]

[GROWLS]

[BOTH GROWLING]

[

]

[COUGHING]

I thought I told you to stay put.

You're complaining? No way, bro--

Uh, guy. Look, we need a new strategy.

Lizzie's not in a medicine-taking mood.

Not when he's so enjoying his play date

in the heated pool. Wait a minute.

[

]

SPIDER-MAN: The fake swamp was heated,

but dunk a cold-blooded reptile in freezing water

and he'll slow up. Right. Slow enough

for someone to force a little gene cleanser down his throat.

But first you need to get him here with lizard bait.

Don't even think about--

My choice. Try to stop me.

I'm impressed, bro.

[

]

Okay, prep time.

First, make sure the polar bears

don't take a midnight swim.

Check. Next, find the perfect spot

to bounce Lizard into the drink.

Check, check.

The perfect angle.

[EDDIE SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLING]

And now for the crucial element of surprise.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[GROWLING]

[ROARING]

[GRUNTS]

[LIZARD GROWLING]

BILLY: Dad, stop!

You don't have to be a lizard.

You're still my dad.

[GROWLING]

[LIZARD ROARS]

Did you skateboard here?

I took a cab. Duh.

[LIZARD ROARS]

[

]

[LIZARD GROWLING]

[

]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Brought you a present, Lizzie.

Gene cleanser. Guaranteed to remove your toughest stains.

Grease, mustard, even lizard DNA.

[GRUNTS]

[ROARS]

[LIZARD SCREECHING]

[CURT GROANS]

[CURT SIGHS]

EDDIE: Pictures and everything.

But who could've taken these?

Check the byline.

Uh, did you see? There's no shots of Billy,

or Dr. Connors or anything to prove that he was the Lizard.

And that's supposed to--

Bro, you ditched the antidote effort to win a contest.

CURT: Eddie, it's all right.

Besides, I'm not exactly

in a position to throw stones.

Peter, you're young.

And faced with difficult choices,

young people sometimes make mistakes.

Thanks for understanding.

I understand you.

But I can't trust you.

You're fired.

[

]

[

]

PETER: I never asked to be Spider-Man.

And I never asked for these powers.

I never knew it would mean a bashed-up hand,

a hard 9 p.m. curfew,

no job, and friends who all think I'm scum.

It was all just a twist of fate.

And bad luck. A random bug bite.

Easiest decision I ever made.

[

]

Except. Except I saved them.

[

]

Spider-Man's no magic wand, but, thanks to the web-head,

Curt's cured and Billy gets his father back.

So what if nobody threw a parade?

Spidey stays because Spidey's needed.

For now anyway.

[

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