Original subtitles

[instant message chime]

[instant message chime]

> [moaning] oh yeah.

[gasping] oh yes.

Oh yes. [instant message chime]

Thanks chipper.

[giggling] thanks gluggy.

Thanks gluggy. [gasping]

[gasping]

[instant message chime] oh yeah.

Oh yeah. oh my god poo bare,

Oh my god poo bare, i'm so glad you're here.

[moaning] 1,000 dudes are jerking off

1,000 dudes are jerking off to me right now.

To me right now. but poo bare,

But poo bare, this one's for you baby.

This one's for you baby. oh yeah.

Oh yeah. [instant message chime]

[instant message chime] yeah!

Yeah! oh my god.

Oh my god. ohh yeah, oh god.

Ohh yeah, oh god. oh, feels so fucking good.

Oh, feels so fucking good. oh my god.

Oh my god. oh, it feels so good

Oh, it feels so good in my pussy.

In my pussy. oh yeah.

Oh yeah. [gasping]

[gasping]

Oh my god. oh yeah.

Oh yeah. oh fuck.

Oh fuck. holy fuck.

Holy fuck. [instant message chime]

[instant message chime] oh, you're gonna

Oh, you're gonna make me come, poo bare,

Make me come, poo bare, i'm gonna come for you

I'm gonna come for you i'm gonna come for you

I'm gonna come for you poo bare.

Poo bare. oh god, oh my god!

Oh god, oh my god! [gasping]

[gasping]

Oh my god. oh my god.

Oh my god. that was so fucking-- guys.

That was so fucking-- guys. guys.

Guys. that was fucking amazing.

That was fucking amazing. aw, thank you.

Aw, thank you. ew, that's so gross scooby.

Ew, that's so gross scooby. [laughing]

[laughing] that's so funny.

That's so funny. oh my god, did you know

Oh my god, did you know poo bare is actually like,

Poo bare is actually like, a state trooper?

A state trooper? [laughing]

[laughing] oh, you're blocked scooby!

Oh, you're blocked scooby! [instant message chime]

Guys. tomorrow's the 4th of july,

Tomorrow's the 4th of july, so that means my new website

So that means my new website will be launching soon,

Will be launching soon, kingkelly.com.

Kingkelly.com. check back all day because

Check back all day because you never know

You never know what i might post.

Okay, i have to go because i'm gonna go see

Because i'm gonna go see transformers 3 for like,

Transformers 3 for like, the 3rd time.

The 3rd time. [laughing]

[laughing] can you guys tip me

Can you guys tip me some more please?

[instant message chime] thanks!

Thanks! [typing]

[typing] love you.

Love you. bye.

A�� music

[dog breathing] > you're so cute.

[sighs]

Shot this a couple nights ago.

Oh my god i feel so gross right now.

So gross right now. i have to get ready

I have to get ready before jordan gets here.

Before jordan gets here. i have to put my lashes on.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-dooo. prince rocket has lift off!!

Prince rocket has lift off!! [mimicking rocket noises]

[mimicking rocket noises] flying into the next dimention!

Flying into the next dimention! reaching the vortex!!

Reaching the vortex!! shhh.

Shhh. wanna see mr. prince, daddy?

Wanna see mr. prince, daddy? >> stop it, not today,

>> stop it, not today, hun, please.

hun, please. > [on tv] they were precious,

> [on tv] they were precious, they were paid for, in blood!!

they were paid for, in blood!! [crowd cheering & clapping]

>> there's nothing to eat in here.

what are you talking about, there's plenty of things to eat.

[whispering] go wish your father happy birthday.

your father happy birthday. >> i'm going to later, jesus!

>> i'm going to later, jesus! > aw, don't eat that

> aw, don't eat that for breakfast.

for breakfast. >> why not?

>> why not? mm, tasty.

> you want me to make you an egg?

an egg? >> no, i don't

>> no, i don't feel like an egg, mom.

feel like an egg, mom. this is what i want.

this is what i want. > i'm gonna make you breakfast.

> i'm gonna make you breakfast. >> hey mr. prince,

>> hey mr. prince, you want a cheese ball?

you want a cheese ball? > no, don't give him that!

> no, don't give him that! >> look, mr. prince!

>> look, mr. prince! > stop!

> stop! you do not feed the dog

you do not feed the dog junk like that!

junk like that! >> get it mr. prince, get it!

>> get it mr. prince, get it! go!

go! get it mr. prince!

get it mr. prince! > that's not good for him.

> that's not good for him. >> woah, nice ass.

>> woah, nice ass. > oh, thank you.

> oh, thank you. >> i get it from you.

>> i get it from you. you should be.

you should be. well, i'm proud of it.

well, i'm proud of it. proud of my ass.

proud of my ass. oh my god is that jordan?

oh my god is that jordan? > i think so.

> i think so. >> jordan!

>> jordan! > good morning, jordan.

> good morning, jordan. happy 4th of july.

happy 4th of july. >> jordan come here!

>> jordan come here! why are you late?

why are you late? > hey kelly.

> hey kelly. >> you're a big pizza head.

>> you're a big pizza head. > i know i'm sorry

> i know i'm sorry i was at matt's.

wake me up early so we could start

so we could start working on my website.

working on my website. > i know, i'm sorry.

> i know, i'm sorry. doesn't that look stupid?

doesn't that look stupid? [laughing]

[laughing] pizza.

pizza. >> oh my god,

>> oh my god, that's awesome.

that's awesome. i'm a genius.

i'm a genius. come on,

let's go work on it. > honey, aren't you gonna

> honey, aren't you gonna eat something?

eat something? >> no, don't bother us,

>> no, don't bother us, 'cause we're doing

'cause we're doing important stuff in my room.

> oh my god we're cute! look at us!

look at us! >> we gotta focus on my website,

>> we gotta focus on my website, we gotta post videos, jordan!

we gotta post videos, jordan! > [laughing]

> [laughing] oh my god, kelly, geez,

oh my god, kelly, geez, why do you have that up?

why do you have that up? >> how about i could just

>> how about i could just like get like,

like get like, dance around in my bra.

dance around in my bra. > classic.

> classic. wait, are you filming yourself?

wait, are you filming yourself? >> yeah.

>> yeah. > [laughing]

> [laughing] wait, i'm supposed to

wait, i'm supposed to be filming you.

be filming you. >> yeah, okay.

>> yeah, okay. rwar!

rwar! kill the dolphin!

kill the dolphin! [laughing]

[laughing] > [indistinct]

> [indistinct] king neptune.

king neptune. >> what the hell,

>> what the hell, how do i do that?

how do i do that? > [indistinct]

> [indistinct] get it?

get it? >> oh my god,

>> oh my god, you're such a nerd.

you're such a nerd. alright, i gotta be sexy,

alright, i gotta be sexy, jordan!

jordan! > okay, okay.

> okay, okay. >> what do i do?

>> what do i do? > yeah.

> yeah. [laughing]

[laughing] >> that's really not

>> that's really not sexy at all!

sexy at all! oh my god!

oh my god! alright, come on.

alright, come on. come on.

come on. i gotta get my...

i gotta get my... [laughing]

[laughing] alright, for real,

alright, for real, for real.

for real. > okay.

> okay. >> alright, wait, ready?

>> alright, wait, ready? superwoman!

superwoman! i'm superhero!

i'm superhero! > yeah, that looks so real.

> yeah, that looks so real. >> oh my god.

>> oh my god. > i love fans, you can do

> i love fans, you can do so much with the fans.

you should do more videos with fans.

with fans. like a super model.

like a super model. >> yeah.

>> yeah. [laughing]

[laughing] oh, it feels good in this fan.

oh, it feels good in this fan. > you look so good.

>> oh my god jordan, you're so nice.

> did you really tell your mom about the king kelly website?

about the king kelly website? >> duh, hell no!

she thinks i'm making like, handbags and jewellery

handbags and jewellery and shit like that.

and shit like that. they don't even fucking know

they don't even fucking know what a website is.

what a website is. > [laughing]

> [laughing] oh my god,

oh my god, that's so funny.

that's so funny. >> i know, right?

>> i know, right? okay, i have to

okay, i have to think of more ideas.

think of more ideas. > you can do wet t-shirt!

> you can do wet t-shirt! >> oh my god.

>> oh my god. jordan.

jordan. you're fucking smart.

you're fucking smart. you're gonna be

you're gonna be my manager when i blow up.

my manager when i blow up. > oh my god, kelly,

> oh my god, kelly, i'm so bad with everything,

i'm so bad with everything, like, managerial.

like, managerial. >> jordan!

>> jordan! you're so organized.

you're so organized. it's the perfect job for you.

it's the perfect job for you. you're awesome.

you're awesome. i love you.

i love you. > aw, i love you.

>> it's the 4th of july. that means--

that means-- [laughing]

[laughing] i'm dripping on the floor.

i'm dripping on the floor. alright, just stay up here,

alright, just stay up here, stay up on my boobs.

stay up on my boobs. just get my boobs.

just get my boobs. > okay, okay.

> okay, okay. >> it's the 4th of july.

>> it's the 4th of july. and that means we are less

and that means we are less than one month away

than one month away from my launch of my website,

from my launch of my website, kingkelly.com.

kingkelly.com. [splashing]

[splashing] [laughing]

[laughing] > oh, that's good,

> oh, that's good, no, no, say that again.

no, no, say that again. >> don't forget to tip me.

>> don't forget to tip me. whatever.

whatever. pft.

pft. > i totally will.

> i totally will. >> peep room sucks.

>> peep room sucks. that's why i'm doing

that's why i'm doing kingkelly.com.

kingkelly.com. alright, ready?

alright, ready? 5-4-3-2-1.

5-4-3-2-1. [laughing]

happy birthday, george washington.

george washington. > that's so hot.

> that's so hot. >> is it really?

>> is it really? > this is gonna generate

> this is gonna generate so much visits.

so much visits. [knocking]

[knocking] >> kelly?

>> kelly? > what!?

> what!? i told you not to bother us!

i told you not to bother us! >> i know that kelly,

>> i know that kelly, but ryan's at the door.

but ryan's at the door. > right now?

> right now? what is he doing here?

what is he doing here? >> i don't know,

>> i don't know, he didn't wanna come in.

> fuck! fucking shit!

fucking shit! >> what, what's going on?

>> what, what's going on? > ryan's totally

> ryan's totally stealing my fucking car!

stealing my fucking car! >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] > that's not funny!

> that's not funny! what the fuck!

what the fuck! oh my god, i knew

oh my god, i knew this was gonna happen,

this was gonna happen, he's such a dick!

he's such a dick! fuck.

fuck. he's fucking jealous.

he's fucking jealous. >> why is it happening?

>> why is it happening? > i knew this was

> i knew this was gonna happen too.

gonna happen too. >> kelly.

>> kelly. > shit.

> shit. wait.

wait. [indistinct]

[indistinct] i'm coming.

i'm coming. >> ryan!

>> ryan! what the fuck are you doing?

what the fuck are you doing? > put the phone down,

> put the phone down, please.

please. i'm taking my car back.

i'm taking my car back. i told you i was gonna

i told you i was gonna take this car back,

take this car back, i'm taking it back.

i'm taking it back. >> ryan.

>> ryan. this is my car.

this is my car. i paid for it.

> this is not your car. you didn't pay for it, you--

you didn't pay for it, you-- >> i pay for gas all the time!

>> i pay for gas all the time! > i paid for most,

> i paid for most, more than half of this car,

more than half of this car, i paid for the tires,

i paid for the tires, and i paid for this mirror.

and i paid for this mirror. >> [whining] ryan.

>> [whining] ryan. > don't fucking do that,

> don't fucking do that, kelly.

kelly. come on.

come on. >> you look like shit, ryan.

>> you look like shit, ryan. > hi jordan.

> hi jordan. >> hey ryan.

>> hey ryan. i like your shirt.

i like your shirt. > thank you.

> thank you. is this fun for you?

is this fun for you? >> yeah.

>> yeah. > your hair looks like

> your hair looks like shit today.

shit today. >> happy four-- oh.

>> happy four-- oh. > [laughing]

> [laughing] ryan, get out of the car.

ryan, get out of the car. i am gonna post this video

i am gonna post this video so everyone can see

so everyone can see what a psycho you are.

what a psycho you are. >> if you fucking

>> if you fucking post this video,

post this video, i'll steal your dog--

i'll steal your dog-- > you're stealing from me

> you're stealing from me right now--

right now-- >> take it apart piece by piece

>> take it apart piece by piece and send it back to you

and send it back to you in the god damn mail.

> you are stealing from me right now, ryan.

right now, ryan. you are a psycho.

you are a psycho. >> you are a bitch.

>> you are a bitch. > argh!

> argh! dick!

oh my god. >> what just happened?

> where are you going, young lady?

young lady? >> i'm going inside.

>> i'm going inside. > jordan, where is ryan going

> jordan, where is ryan going with her car?

with her car? >> jordan, what just

>> jordan, what just went on there?

went on there? > i don't know.

> i don't know. >> jordan.

>> jordan. > josh.

> josh. where's chad?

>> [on phone] fuck if i know. > you have to come pick me up.

> you have to come pick me up. ryan just stole my fucking car.

ryan just stole my fucking car. >> dude.

>> dude. jesus christ, you're such

jesus christ, you're such a fucking drama queen.

a fucking drama queen. take me off speakerphone.

take me off speakerphone. > you're not on speakerphone,

> you're not on speakerphone, jesus christ!

jesus christ! >> well it sounds like it,

>> well it sounds like it, dude!

dude! > ryan stole my fucking car.

> ryan stole my fucking car. >> okay, you already said tha,

>> okay, you already said tha, kelly, and i didn't really

kelly, and i didn't really care about it the fist time.

care about it the fist time. so what?

> so your package is still in the trunk.

in the trunk. >> are you fucking

>> are you fucking kidding me, kelly?

kidding me, kelly? > i told chad you'd bring

> i told chad you'd bring that shit to dean's tonight,

that shit to dean's tonight, he's gonna fucking lose it.

he's gonna fucking lose it. >> josh, i know that, okay?

>> josh, i know that, okay? jesus christ, just

jesus christ, just come pick me up and we can

come pick me up and we can go get the package together.

go get the package together. > dude, i don't have

> dude, i don't have time for this shit,

time for this shit, i gotta fucking call chad.

i gotta fucking call chad. >> josh.

>> josh. why does this shit

why does this shit always have to happen to me?

always have to happen to me? > what's going on,

> what's going on, did you leave the drugs

did you leave the drugs in the car?

in the car? >> they're not drugs, jordan.

>> they're not drugs, jordan. they're just allergy inhalers

they're just allergy inhalers and boner pills

and boner pills and shit like that.

and shit like that. > [laughing]

> [laughing] >> no, this is serious.

>> no, this is serious. i get paid a shit ton

i get paid a shit ton of money to pick that shit up.

of money to pick that shit up. cops'll pull me over and they

cops'll pull me over and they don't even know i'm doing it.

don't even know i'm doing it. chad says i don't fit the type.

chad says i don't fit the type. > who are you calling now?

> who are you calling now? >> troy.

> oh. >> dick.

>> dick. he's so [indistinct]

he's so [indistinct] > no he's not.

wait, people are already commenting on it.

commenting on it. >> i'll send it to you.

>> i'll send it to you. it's an awesome video.

it's an awesome video. i'm fucking pissed though.

i'm fucking pissed though. > yeah.

> yeah. >> jordan.

>> jordan. you have to take me

you have to take me to ryan's house.

to ryan's house. i have to get my car back.

i have to get my car back. > what, me?

> what, me? >> yeah, you have to take--

>> yeah, you have to take-- > right now.

> right now. >> yeah!

>> yeah! > no, kelly, i can't right now.

>> jordan, it's really important, please.

important, please. > no, kelly, i can't.

> no, kelly, i can't. >> jordan, bestie, come on,

>> jordan, bestie, come on, you have to.

you have to. > i have to--

> i have to-- >> jordan.

>> jordan. > no, i have to go to

> no, i have to go to the pharmacy.

the pharmacy. it closes in 20 minutes

it closes in 20 minutes for the holiday.

for the holiday. >> jordan, this is

>> jordan, this is way more important,

we have to go right now. > no it's not,

> no it's not, if i don't get my adhd meds

if i don't get my adhd meds you know how fucking nuts i go,

you know how fucking nuts i go, i go fucking crazy!

i go fucking crazy! >> okay, woah.

>> okay, woah. [phone ringing]

[phone ringing] > no, seriously, kelly,

if i don't get 'em [indistinct] >> hold up, troy's calling!

>> hold up, troy's calling! > --and there goes

> --and there goes the whole fucking holiday!

the whole fucking holiday! >> yeah, jordan's freaking out,

>> yeah, jordan's freaking out, can you please come get me?

can you please come get me? > oh my god, kelly!

> oh my god, kelly! >> please,

>> please, it's really important, troy!

it's really important, troy! okay fine, just hurry up then.

okay fine, just hurry up then. > kelly.

> kelly. can he take you?

can he take you? >> yeah.

>> yeah. i'm gonna post that video

i'm gonna post that video 'cause you look like a freak.

'cause you look like a freak. > no, kelly, seriously don't.

> no, kelly, seriously don't. >> i won't.

why are you wearing that right now?

right now? > i told you.

> i told you. i have to fucking work.

i have to fucking work. >> i know that.

why do you put your apron on before you go to work?

before you go to work? just to drive over,

just to drive over, that just seems weird to me.

that just seems weird to me. > why didn't you just

> why didn't you just call the police?

call the police? >> i can't call the police

>> i can't call the police 'cause they won't do anything.

'cause they won't do anything. > why not?

> why not? if he stole your car

if he stole your car then you can call the cops.

then you can call the cops. >> 'cause technically

>> 'cause technically the car's under ryan's name,

the car's under ryan's name, but it's my car,

i paid for more than half of it.

half of it. when's my website

when's my website gonna be done?

gonna be done? i thought it was

i thought it was supposed to be done by now,

supposed to be done by now, or around right now?

or around right now? > i'm still working on it.

> i'm still working on it. >> why?

>> why? > [sigh]

> [sigh] it's a little bit more

it's a little bit more complicated than you think,

complicated than you think, kelly.

what are you doing? kelly?

kelly? [sigh]

[banging] >> ryan, are you in there?!

>> ryan, are you in there?! you fuckhead!

you fuckhead! > stop.

> stop. stop!

stop! >> blake.

>> blake. get up, slacker.

get up, slacker. dude, open the door.

dude, open the door. > [laughing]

> [laughing] kelly?

kelly? [laughing]

[laughing] >> dude.

>> dude. > [laughing]

your whole fuckin' outfit. >> dude, where is ryan?

>> dude, where is ryan? > ryan left.

> ryan left. >> where'd he go?

>> where'd he go? that fuckhead stole my car.

that fuckhead stole my car. > what?

> what? >> yeah.

>> yeah. > that's so fucking

> that's so fucking jerry springer.

jerry springer. >> i got a video of it.

>> i got a video of it. you should watch it.

you should watch it. it's crazy.

it's crazy. > what did, when?

> what did, when? >> just now.

>> just now. > where is he?

> where is he? >> wait, you mean like,

>> wait, you mean like, the red camry?

the red camry? [scoffs]

[scoffs] that's his car.

that's his car. > no it isn't, it's my car,

> no it isn't, it's my car, it's always been my car.

it's always been my car. >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] > nice, blake.

> nice, blake. >> it's some fuckin'

>> it's some fuckin' wake and blake.

wake and blake. [laughing]

[laughing] > where is ryan?

> where is ryan? >> ryan?

>> ryan? he's like, goin' to his

he's like, goin' to his fuckin' mom's house.

fuckin' mom's house. what is that,

what is that, what the fuck is the dude

what the fuck is the dude with the apron?

with the apron? what the fuck is he,

what the fuck is he, your dog handler?

your dog handler? > thanks blake.

> thanks blake. >> bye kelly!

>> bye kelly! > bye, blake-y!

> bye, blake-y! >> bye!

>> bye! [laughing]

[laughing] > you're hot in your apron,

> you're hot in your apron, troy.

troy. wait, troy,

wait, troy, where are you going?

where are you going? >> i'm taking you back home.

>> i'm taking you back home. > no, you fucking,

> no, you fucking, i have to get my

i have to get my fucking car back!

fucking car back! you have to take me

you have to take me to ryan's mom's house.

to ryan's mom's house. >> no, i told you,

>> no, i told you, i'm gonna be late for work.

> fine, you know what, fuck you dude,

fuck you dude, i don't need your fucking help,

i don't need your fucking help, i thought i could count

i thought i could count on my boyfriend to care

on my boyfriend to care about my fucking stolen car,

about my fucking stolen car, but i can't even do that.

but i can't even do that. >> kelly, i'm gonna be late

>> kelly, i'm gonna be late for my fucking job

for my fucking job and i'm gonna get fired.

and i'm gonna get fired. > oh my god, troy,

> oh my god, troy, you're such a dick!

oh gross. what do you think of that

what do you think of that mr. prince?

mr. prince? mmhmm.

mmhmm. this is so lame.

aww. jordan.

jordan. we're so cute.

we're so cute. we're still super cute.

we're still super cute. hello little me.

>> kelly! > what?

> what? >> you have a friend here

>> you have a friend here to see you honey.

i think she needs more responsibility,

more responsibility, i told her.

i told her. > oh hi chad.

>> okay, i'll leave you two alone.

alone. > good to see you.

> good to see you. >> i'll see you later.

> dude. >> can we talk outside please?

>> can we talk outside please? > no.

in my house right now, this is really weird.

this is really weird. >> are you serious?

>> are you serious? what the fuck do you think

what the fuck do you think i'm doing here?

i'm doing here? > oh my god, relax.

> oh my god, relax. i told josh.

i told josh. ryan has my car.

>> are you trying to steal my shit?

to steal my shit? > no.

why are you acting all sketchy right now?

all sketchy right now? >> put that phone down.

>> put that phone down. > no.

> no. >> listen.

>> listen. bring my package to dean's

bring my package to dean's at 6:00 tonight,

or we're both in a world of shit.

a world of shit. oh my god,

oh my god, you understand that?

you understand that? > yeah, i got that.

> yeah, i got that. >> heh, wow.

>> heh, wow. happy 4th of july.

> mr. prince! >> why don't you put

your phone down and help us, kel.

and help us, kel. > well, i'm a feminist, angela,

> well, i'm a feminist, angela, i don't know if you've ever

i don't know if you've ever heard of that concept.

heard of that concept. >> no, don't start that.

>> no, don't start that. > but you're happy

> but you're happy to eat what we cook for you.

to eat what we cook for you. >> yeah i'm happy,

>> yeah i'm happy, but i'm not as happy as some.

but i'm not as happy as some. > okay, could you please

> okay, could you please just get out of here and not

just get out of here and not be a distraction, kelly?

>> well this is my house, angie.

angie. > um, just so you're

> um, just so you're aware, we had to take

aware, we had to take your name off of your gift

your name off of your gift for dad.

for dad. >> so?

>> so? > so i e-mailed you like,

> so i e-mailed you like, several times about it,

several times about it, and you didn't respond

and you didn't respond to a single one that i sent.

to a single one that i sent. kelly --

kelly -- >> who even e-mails

>> who even e-mails anymore, angie?

anymore, angie? > everybody but you!

> everybody but you! >> stop!

>> stop! why don't you go play

why don't you go play with your nephew,

with your nephew, he would love to see the dog.

> arr! arrr, look at the men

arrr, look at the men out in the yard.

out in the yard. drinking beer and

drinking beer and playing with fire.

playing with fire. >> nice outfit, kel,

>> nice outfit, kel, nice outfit.

nice outfit. > happy birthday, daddy.

> happy birthday, daddy. >> we are expecting guests,

>> we are expecting guests, hun.

hun. > i know,

> i know, i'm so excited for you,

i'm so excited for you, old man.

old man. >> thanks, thanks hun.

>> thanks, thanks hun. > kiss you.

it's really good. >> do you like mac and cheese?

>> do you like mac and cheese? > i love mac and cheese.

> i love mac and cheese. >> which cheese?

>> which cheese? orange or yellow?

orange or yellow? > um... orange.

> um... orange. >> my favourite is orange also.

> you gotta keep this camera steady, alright?

camera steady, alright? this is gonna be a show,

this is gonna be a show, an awesome show.

an awesome show. wait, i gotta get

wait, i gotta get the other one.

the other one. damn it.

damn it. yeah, i got 'em both goin' now.

yeah, i got 'em both goin' now. what should i do timmy?

what should i do timmy? what should i do?

what should i do? is this cool?

is this cool? is this cool?

is this cool? how's that?

how's that? >> [indistinct]

>> [indistinct] > hey tom!

> hey tom! check out my smoke show!

check out my smoke show! you like it?

you like it? >> yeah kel.

>> yeah kel. > whatever, you're annoying.

> whatever, you're annoying. timmy, you rock my

timmy, you rock my fucking world.

fucking world. don't say the f-word.

don't say the f-word. is it good?

look at that face. marshmallow cream madnass.

marshmallow cream madnass. yeah.

yeah. >> what's going on?

>> what's going on? timmy, stop it.

timmy, stop it. what is-- did you open this

what is-- did you open this for him!?

for him!? are you crazy!?

are you crazy!? what is the matter with you?

what is the matter with you? timmy, stand up.

timmy, stand up. stand up.

stand up. you listen to me right now.

you listen to me right now. what do you think you're doing?

what do you think you're doing? what do you think you're doing?

what do you think you're doing? > angela, you're totally

> angela, you're totally abusing the kid right now.

abusing the kid right now. >> kelly, put the camera down,

>> kelly, put the camera down, stop it, stop filming

stop it, stop filming my children.

my children. i can't believe you.

i can't believe you. chin up please.

chin up please. chin up please.

chin up please. kelly, these napkins are just,

kelly, these napkins are just, not effective, could you

not effective, could you make yourself useful

make yourself useful and go get mom for like--

and go get mom for like-- you have a real problem

you have a real problem with your filming and

with your filming and everything on your phone.

everything on your phone. > no i don't.

> no i don't. >> yes you do.

>> yes you do. do you think that i don't

do you think that i don't know about your internet

know about your internet strip tease that you do?

strip tease that you do? > oh my god, angela.

> oh my god, angela. >> you're disgusting.

>> you're disgusting. > is this gonna be like,

> is this gonna be like, a long lecture,

a long lecture, because i'm pretty sure

because i'm pretty sure that you have no idea

what you're talking about. >> yes i do.

>> yes i do. you are selling sex for money.

you are selling sex for money. that's illegal.

that's illegal. > no it isn't.

> no it isn't. >> yes it is.

>> yes it is. > no it's not.

is that the cake? >> yeah, isn't it nice?

>> yeah, isn't it nice? angie did that.

> oh, nice cake, angie.

star spangled ass cake. happy birthday daddy.

happy birthday daddy. [giggling]

[giggling] happy birthday america.

>> who wants cake? > is that the kind you like?

> is that the kind you like? >> angela does!

>> angela does! angela wants two pieces of cake

angela wants two pieces of cake 'cause she's real hungry.

'cause she's real hungry. > kelly stop,

> kelly stop, put the camera away.

put the camera away. >> get off me.

>> get off me. > knock it off.

> knock it off. >> hey, you can star

>> hey, you can star in my next movie.

in my next movie. i wanna watch you eat

i wanna watch you eat two pieces of cake.

two pieces of cake. > shut up,

> shut up, you're so fucking rude!

you're so fucking rude! do you know that?

do you know that? how do you like it kelly?

how do you like it kelly? >> i love it.

>> i love it. > yeah, i know you love it.

> yeah, i know you love it. actually, fans.

actually, fans. i know that kelly loves

i know that kelly loves being video taped.

being video taped. >> --staring at my underwear.

>> --staring at my underwear. tom was staring at my underwear.

tom was staring at my underwear. > stop it!

> stop it! >> are you fucking serious tom?

>> are you fucking serious tom? > please, angela,

> please, angela, do you really think that--

do you really think that-- >> kelly and angela, stop it!

>> kelly and angela, stop it! > you're a shitty mom.

> you're a shitty mom. >> let me tell you what

>> let me tell you what your shit head daughter does,

your shit head daughter does, okay?

okay? how the fuck do you think

how the fuck do you think she makes the money?

she makes the money? > angela, enough now.

> angela, enough now. >> how the fuck do you think--

>> how the fuck do you think-- you think she has

you think she has a respectable job?

a respectable job? [indistinct shouting]

[indistinct shouting] she's a god damned whore!

> what are you talking about? >> she sells sex

>> she sells sex over the fucking internet!

over the fucking internet! that's what she does!

that's what she does! > give me my phone.

> give me my phone. you're such a fucking--

you're such a fucking-- [indistinct shouting]

[indistinct shouting] >> i hate you all!

>> i hate you all! > you shit face!

> you shit face! i just called jordan,

i just called jordan, she's coming to pick me up,

she's coming to pick me up, thank god for fucking jordan.

thank god for fucking jordan. right now, i'm walking

right now, i'm walking in my shitty neighbourhood.

in my shitty neighbourhood. i never walk,

i never walk, i fucking hate walking,

i fucking hate walking, who the fuck walks?

who the fuck walks? i am not a slut.

i am not a slut. i'm not a slut.

>> are you okay? > no.

> no. can i have a hug?

can i have a hug? >> yeah.

>> yeah. i love you.

i love you. hey.

hey. what happened?

what happened? > nothing.

> nothing. we just have to go

we just have to go get my car and chad's drugs.

get my car and chad's drugs. >> okay.

> i just hate my family so much. they don't care about me

they don't care about me or my life, they never

or my life, they never try to understand me,

try to understand me, and all they do is fucking

and all they do is fucking guilt trip me and gang up

guilt trip me and gang up on me about everything.

>> oh my god, i know, my parents are math teachers

my parents are math teachers and i can't even do math

and i can't even do math and they're always like--

and they're always like-- > it's so fucked jordan,

> it's so fucked jordan, they might actually

they might actually kick me out of my house,

and i have no fucking money, and now i have no fucking car.

>> well maybe you could move in with troy?

move in with troy? > yeah right.

> yeah right. i'm only with troy

i'm only with troy so he'll build my website,

so he'll build my website, and doing a shitty job at that.

and doing a shitty job at that. and my website is the most

and my website is the most important thing right now.

important thing right now. >> yeah.

>> yeah. i know, i know.

i know, i know. > let's go get ryan.

> let's go get ryan. >> yeah.

>> yeah. > give me a ad-whatever pill.

> give me a ad-whatever pill. >> oh my god, yeah.

>> oh my god, yeah. > god, matt's such a prick,

> god, matt's such a prick, why do you go out with him?

why do you go out with him? >> right, this from a girl

>> right, this from a girl whose ex just stole her car.

whose ex just stole her car. [laughing]

[laughing] oh my god, such a dork.

oh my god, such a dork. > wait, where's the car?

> wait, where's the car? >> the fuck is going on?

>> the fuck is going on? i'm gonna have to

i'm gonna have to talk to his bitchy mom.

talk to his bitchy mom. it's not funny jordan.

it's not funny jordan. >sorry.

[indistinct] ♪ hold me down boy,

♪ hold me down boy, ♪ boy, boy ohh,

♪ boy, boy ohh, ♪ when i grow, way.

>> fuck me. > what?

> what? >> ryan took my fucking car

>> ryan took my fucking car to staten island.

to staten island. > staten island?

> staten island? are you serious?

are you serious? >> i'm fucking serious,

>> i'm fucking serious, he's having a barbeque

he's having a barbeque with his daddy.

with his daddy. > what?

> what? kelly-

kelly- >> this is shit,

>> this is shit, i am so over this,

i am so over this, chad can get his boner pills

chad can get his boner pills himself, and drive

himself, and drive to fucking staten island

to fucking staten island himself.

himself. > yeah.

> yeah. let's go to dean's.

let's go to dean's. >> yeah, let's fucking

>> yeah, let's fucking go to dean's.

go to dean's. let's, it's the 4th of july,

let's, it's the 4th of july, we're supposed to be having fun.

[crowd partying] > sup blake!?

> sup blake!? wow, look at me,

wow, look at me, i'm like the genie.

i'm like the genie. i can make all your dreams

i can make all your dreams come true.

come true. make a wish.

make a wish. [crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

oh my god, this is so crazy. >> what's up!?

>> what's up!? 4th of july!

4th of july! yeah!

yeah! [crowd partying]

[crowd partying]

> i need a photo, get a picture.

get a picture. let's get a photo,

let's get a photo, who has a phone?

who has a phone? i'm gonna get a picture

i'm gonna get a picture of you taking a photo of us.

of you taking a photo of us. >> oh, this is tight.

>> oh, this is tight. > bam, look at that nipple.

> bam, look at that nipple. oh.

oh. >> that's nasty.

>> that's nasty. that's so nasty.

that's so nasty. [indistinct]

[indistinct] > oh, shit dude,

> oh, shit dude, look over here,

look over here, look look look.

look look look. oh shit.

oh shit. oh!

oh! [indistinct crowd cheering]

[indistinct crowd cheering]

>> [laughing] > fucking pissed on my shorts.

> fucking pissed on my shorts. >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] > what?

> what? kelly, hey,

kelly, hey, you wanna see something?

you wanna see something? >> yeah, you're funny.

>> yeah, you're funny. yo, are you okay?

woah. woah, oh my god.

woah, oh my god. >> oh my god,

>> oh my god, i've got a fucking vagina!

i've got a fucking vagina! > [laughing]

> [laughing] dude, you need

dude, you need some serious help man.

some serious help man. >> can you see that?

>> can you see that? > yeah, i got it.

> yeah, i got it. i got it.

i got it. >> i've got a pussy.

>> i've got a pussy. > give me more.

>> do i look beautiful? do i look beautiful?

do i look beautiful? > what's up kelly?

> what's up kelly? >> ew, ew.

>> ew, ew. [crowd cheering & clapping]

[crowd cheering & clapping]

> [screaming]

[crowd chatter] >> dude.

>> dude. jordan.

jordan. [indistinct]

[indistinct] i was standing back like

i was standing back like [indistinct]

[indistinct] > woo!

> woo! it's hot!

>> i wanna have sex with all these chicks who lit the fire!

these chicks who lit the fire! > shut up.

> shut up. >> america baby, america.

>> america baby, america. [indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

> jordan, come here. hey, jordan.

hey, jordan. jordan!

jordan! jordan!

jordan! come here!

come here! [laughing]

[laughing] >> oh shit.

> this is dean's parent's gross bathroom.

gross bathroom. we're not supposed to be

we're not supposed to be in the house but whatever,

in the house but whatever, i don't give a fuck.

i don't give a fuck. there are a whole bunch of

there are a whole bunch of uneducated people out there,

uneducated people out there, i can't find fucking josh,

i can't find fucking josh, i can't find fucking chad,

i can't find fucking chad, and jordan's just like,

and jordan's just like, staring at the fireworks.

staring at the fireworks. and i'm bored.

and i'm bored. >> we should go back outside.

they're starting to light the bigger fireworks now.

the bigger fireworks now. > that sounds gay, jordan.

> that sounds gay, jordan. i don't have time for that.

i don't have time for that. i actually have to

i actually have to deal with this, you know.

>> no, i was just thinking it might be fun.

it might be fun. > fuck chad and his

> fuck chad and his macho bullshit.

macho bullshit. it took me a whole day

it took me a whole day to pick up that package.

to pick up that package. did anybody bother to thank me?

did anybody bother to thank me? no.

no. i might not even tell chad

i might not even tell chad where ryan went.

where ryan went. fuck 'em both.

fuck 'em both. he can just wait.

he can just wait. >> you're right.

>> you're right. [phone beeping]

[phone beeping] oh, so matt's texting me.

oh, so matt's texting me. you okay?

you okay? > i'm great.

> i'm great. >> okay.

>> okay. i'm gonna go outside.

i'm gonna go outside. > great.

> great. >> kay.

>> kay. > bye.

> bye. fan video idea.

[giggling] mmm, ohh yeah.

don't worry, i won't use my teeth.

[fireworks crackling] [crowd cheering & clapping]

[crowd cheering & clapping]

>> get out of there. [fireworks exploding]

[fireworks exploding] yeah!!

yeah!! > yeah.

> yeah. >> oh shit.

>> oh shit. > dean, dean,

> dean, dean, i'm gonna go get some more,

i'm gonna go get some more, i'm gonna go get us some more.

i'm gonna go get us some more. hey!

hey! >> what's up, matt,

>> what's up, matt, whose dog is this?

whose dog is this? > i don't know,

> i don't know, it's probably dean's.

it's probably dean's. >> aw, dean dog, come here,

>> aw, dean dog, come here, you're so big just like dean!

dude, what are you doing in here,

doing in here, jordan's outside

jordan's outside looking for you.

looking for you. > yeah.

> yeah. i found her.

i found her. she's, i don't know,

making videos of fireworks or something.

what is wrong with you? >> nothing.

>> nothing. just a bunch of fucked up

just a bunch of fucked up asshole dudes who i can't

asshole dudes who i can't count on.

count on. > oh.

> oh. >> same old story.

>> same old story. > look um, why don't you

> look um, why don't you come upstairs with me?

come upstairs with me? >> why?

>> why? > [laughing]

because i have a lot of really good coke.

really good coke. >> oh my god, yes, yes,

>> oh my god, yes, yes, definitely, i love these.

definitely, i love these. i love those.

i love those. and...

and... oh my god.

oh my god. whatever that is.

whatever that is. > jordan, what the fuck.

> jordan, what the fuck. >> oh, hey chad.

>> oh, hey chad. > where the fuck is kelly?

> where the fuck is kelly? >> i don't know, oh,

but she was looking for you guys earlier.

for you guys earlier. > this fucking--

> this fucking-- don't film this shit.

[sniffing]

>> [laughing] give me that.

give me that. > why?

> why? >> give it to me.

>> give it to me. > why?

> why? >> i wanna film you.

[laughing] > let me get this for you.

>> thanks. > you're welcome.

[sniffing] [laughing]

[laughing] how was that?

how was that? >> good.

>> good. > yeah.

> yeah. >> yeah.

>> yeah. > strip for me, kelly.

> strip for me, kelly. >> yeah right.

>> yeah right. fuck you.

fuck you. > [laughing]

you know i visit your page on peep room sometimes.

on peep room sometimes. >> for real?

>> for real? shut up.

shut up. > yeah.

> yeah. dude, you're king kelly.

dude, you're king kelly. you're like, the most

you're like, the most popular girl on that sight.

popular girl on that sight. >> nah, peep room is like,

>> nah, peep room is like, such small time.

such small time. > yeah?

>> i'm gonna be fucking huge when i launch my website.

when i launch my website. yeah, it's gonna be monster

yeah, it's gonna be monster when i go live.

when i go live. > oh yeah?

> oh yeah? you know like, sometimes

you know like, sometimes i feel like i know you,

i feel like i know you, like, less than

like, less than i know king kelly.

i know king kelly. >> what does that mean?

>> what does that mean? > [laughing]

> [laughing] i don't know, like...

i don't know, like... i've just done shit with you

i've just done shit with you that jordan won't even

that jordan won't even let me try.

why don't you show me some of the things that you're

some of the things that you're gonna put on your new site?

[footsteps] >> hey, have you seen kelly?

>> hey, have you seen kelly? > sorry.

> sorry. >> god, where is she?

>> god, where is she? chad's gonna be so pissed.

chad's gonna be so pissed. kelly?

kelly? oh, gross.

kelly. kelly, it's me, chad's outside.

kelly, it's me, chad's outside. kelly!

oh my god. > jordan, it's not

> jordan, it's not what you think.

what you think. >> oh my god.

>> oh my god. oh my god, kelly.

oh my god, kelly. > jordan, i promise you

> jordan, i promise you it is not what you think.

it is not what you think. >> oh my god,

>> oh my god, if fucking hate you!

if fucking hate you! i hate you both!

i hate you both! [footsteps]

[footsteps] > you fucking idiot,

you didn't lock the door. >> i thought i locked it!

>> i thought i locked it! > jordan, nothing happened,

> jordan, nothing happened, i swear!

i swear! it was just a drug thing,

it was just a drug thing, it wasn't anything,

it wasn't anything, i swear to god!

i swear to god! jordan!

>> what the fuck's going on? > chad, what that hell,

> chad, what that hell, get your hands off me,

get your hands off me, my friend is pissed at me,

my friend is pissed at me, get off of me.

get off of me. >> no, let's talk,

>> no, let's talk, let's go.

let's go. > look how red you are.

> look how red you are. you look retarded right now.

you look retarded right now. >> first of all,

>> first of all, get that fucking camera

get that fucking camera out of my face.

out of my face. > alright, jesus.

> alright, jesus. >> you fucked up,

>> you fucked up, these aren't your drugs,

these aren't your drugs, they aren't my fucking drugs

they aren't my fucking drugs either, but you're

either, but you're one degree of separation

one degree of separation from a gangster mother fucker

from a gangster mother fucker with a gun who will

with a gun who will shoot you in the head--

shoot you in the head-- > jesus christ, chad!

> jesus christ, chad! do you really expect me

do you really expect me to believe somebody's

to believe somebody's going to murder me

going to murder me because i lost some

because i lost some prescription pills?

prescription pills? >> prescription pills,

>> prescription pills, what the fuck

what the fuck are you talking about, kelly?

are you talking about, kelly? > the pills in the car.

>> is that what you told her she was picking up?

she was picking up? > dude, i don't know,

> dude, i don't know, i thought it'd be easier.

i thought it'd be easier. >> what the fuck,

>> what the fuck, what does that mean?

what does that mean? > dude, calm the fuck down.

> dude, calm the fuck down. >> josh, what the fuck

>> josh, what the fuck does that mean?

does that mean? > i just...

> i just... >> what?

>> what? > you have 20 grand

> you have 20 grand of heroin in your trunk.

of heroin in your trunk. >> heroin?

>> heroin? what the fuck,

what the fuck, you fucking asshole!

you fucking asshole! > lower your voice, stop.

> lower your voice, stop. >> no, i am not

>> no, i am not going there alone,

going there alone, you have to help me!

you have to help me! > i'm not going anywhere

> i'm not going anywhere near that car,

near that car, i'm not the fucking mule,

i'm not the fucking mule, you are.

you are. you hand us the drugs

you hand us the drugs and we hand you the money,

and we hand you the money, that's how it works.

that's how it works. until then,

until then, you're on the hook for this,

you're on the hook for this, you understand that?

you understand that? >> kelly, just get

>> kelly, just get the drugs back, okay?

the drugs back, okay? and everything's

and everything's gonna be alright.

gonna be alright. just get 'em back.

just get 'em back. > okay.

>> what the fuck, dude? > [crying]

> [crying]

[knocking] >> jordan!

>> jordan! > you're such a fucking psycho,

> you're such a fucking psycho, kelly, leave me alone!

kelly, leave me alone! >> please can you let me in,

>> please can you let me in, jordash!

jordash! > no, i have nothing

> no, i have nothing to say to you, so fuck off!

to say to you, so fuck off! >> we need to talk about

>> we need to talk about something really important

something really important right now, jordan.

right now, jordan. > stop filming me!

> stop filming me! >> please, come on.

>> please, come on. nothing happened,

nothing happened, i swear to god,

i swear to god, can we please talk about it.

[doors unlocking]

[door slamming]

i'm sorry jordan. we were just making a fan video,

we were just making a fan video, nothing happened,

nothing happened, your boyfriend got all weird

your boyfriend got all weird on me saying he jerks off

on me saying he jerks off to my webcam and shit.

to my webcam and shit. he's an asshole.

he's an asshole. you deserve so much

you deserve so much better than that.

better than that. > [sobbing]

> [sobbing] >> i told you that.

>> i told you that. > kelly, you shouldn't

> kelly, you shouldn't have done it.

have done it. >> i know.

>> i know. whatever, you have a crush

whatever, you have a crush on ryan and i don't

on ryan and i don't give a shit about that.

give a shit about that. > what!?

> what!? what does that have to

what does that have to fucking do with anything,

fucking do with anything, you are a slut, kelly,

you are a slut, kelly, that's all, just admit that.

that's all, just admit that. >> fine, i'm a slut.

>> fine, i'm a slut. does that make you happy?

> [crying] >> the shit in my car

>> the shit in my car is fucking heroin.

is fucking heroin. if i don't get it back i'm dead.

if i don't get it back i'm dead. > oh my god kelly,

> oh my god kelly, i don't believe you.

i don't believe you. >> i don't care

>> i don't care if you don't believe me,

if you don't believe me, oh my god,

chad and josh are like totally setting me up right now.

setting me up right now. please, please, could you just

please, please, could you just drive me to troy's house

drive me to troy's house so i can fucking get him

so i can fucking get him to take me to staten island.

to take me to staten island. > i don't feel sorry for you.

> i don't feel sorry for you. >> i don't need you

>> i don't need you to feel sorry for me, look.

to feel sorry for me, look. i have drugs,

i have drugs, you can have 'em.

you can have 'em. > where'd you get these?

> where'd you get these? >> from the bathroom,

>> from the bathroom, matt fucking left 'em there

matt fucking left 'em there 'cause he's an idiot.

'cause he's an idiot. please.

please. please take me to troy's house,

please take me to troy's house, and you never have to

and you never have to talk to me again, please,

talk to me again, please, i have to get this shit

i have to get this shit or i'm fucking dead.

or i'm fucking dead. > [blowing nose]

> [blowing nose] fine.

fine. i'll take you to troy's

i'll take you to troy's but that's it.

>> driving [indistinct] > get the light out of my face.

> get the light out of my face. i can't drive with it on.

i can't drive with it on. >> jordan.

>> jordan. > kelly.

> kelly. >> woah, jordan,

>> woah, jordan, you got a lot of matt's drugs

you got a lot of matt's drugs right here.

right here. > what.

> what. >> there's a lot of cocain.

>> there's a lot of cocain. > okay.

> okay. >> open wide!

>> open wide! > i know, i'm sorry.

> i know, i'm sorry. [sniffing]

[sniffing] >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] i wanna do some.

i wanna do some. kay.

kay. then i wanna do some more.

fucking troy, he always picks up.

> maybe he's not home. >> jordan.

>> jordan. his car is right there.

his car is right there. > i know, but that

> i know, but that doesn't mean he's--

doesn't mean he's-- kelly.

kelly. where are you going?

where are you going? kelly.

kelly. >> he's not working

>> he's not working on my fucking website.

on my fucking website. > i know, but that--

> i know, but that-- kelly!

kelly! he's probably just out.

he's probably just out. >> he's here,

>> he's here, his fucking car's

his fucking car's in the driveway.

> i know, but that doesn't mean he's here.

mean he's here. >> jordan, just keep

>> jordan, just keep filming me, okay?

> kelly, i don't like being back here.

being back here. >> chill out.

>> chill out. > kelly.

> kelly. >> jordan.

>> jordan. shut up.

> shit. >> oh shit.

>> oh shit. > troy's fucking tiffany.

> troy's fucking tiffany. kelly.

kelly. [glass shattering]

[glass shattering] >> oh my god.

>> oh my god. [gasping]

[gasping]

[car beeping] > [indistinct screaming]

> [indistinct screaming] >> holy shit

>> holy shit he's coming after us.

he's coming after us. [screaming]

[screaming] > kelly!

> kelly! i'm gonna fucking kill you,

i'm gonna fucking kill you, you bitch!

you bitch! >> [screaming]

>> [screaming] [laughing]

[laughing] > is he still there,

> is he still there, is he still there,

is he still there, is he still there?

is he still there? >> no, he's fucking,

>> no, he's fucking, he fucking fell,

he fucking fell, he's such a dick.

he's such a dick. > oh my god that was crazy.

> oh my god that was crazy. [screams]

[screams] oh my god.

oh my god. >> jordan, jordan.

>> jordan, jordan. did you get me breaking

did you get me breaking the window?

the window? > yeah.

> yeah. oh my god.

>> i've never caught a guy cheating on me, ever.

cheating on me, ever. > yeah.

> yeah. that's how it feels.

>> are you gonna hate me forever.

hate me forever. > i don't know,

> i don't know, i'm starving.

>> i threw that brick for both of us.

for both of us. fuck all those asshole boys

fuck all those asshole boys who don't give a shit about us.

who don't give a shit about us. > kel, you're being

> kel, you're being so fucking fake right now.

so fucking fake right now. >> no i'm not.

>> no i'm not. > yes you are.

> yes you are. >> i'm being for real, jordan.

you're my best friend. i'm in such deep shit.

> fine. >> fine what?

>> fine what? > fine i'll take you

> fine i'll take you to staten island.

to staten island. >> shut up,

>> shut up, you're best [indistinct]

you're best [indistinct] are you serious?

are you serious? > yeah, i mean,

> yeah, i mean, do you even know where he is?

do you even know where he is? >> yeah, yeah.

>> yeah, yeah. brianna texted me,

brianna texted me, they're out at some club.

they're out at some club. > ew.

> ew. >> yeah, ew.

>> yeah, ew. oh my god, jordan.

oh my god, jordan. > do we have more coke?

> do we have more coke? >> dude.

>> dude. we got a lot of coke.

we got a lot of coke. > that's good.

> that's good. >> i love you jordan.

what kind of liquor do you want? > i don't know,

> i don't know, like something fruit,

like something fruit, like raspberry.

like raspberry. raspberry.

raspberry. >> vodka,

>> vodka, we're getting vodka.

we're getting vodka. > okay, vodka.

> okay, vodka. [turn signal clicking]

[turn signal clicking]

>> 15-- > hurry up dude.

> hurry up dude. are you paki?

are you paki? >> no i am not paki,

>> no i am not paki, i am sikh,

i am sikh, i am not pakistani,

i am not pakistani, i am sikh.

i am sikh. > woah, are you

> woah, are you hiding something in here?

hiding something in here? >> hiding?

>> hiding? what are you talking about?

what are you talking about? > customer's always right.

> customer's always right. >> $15.20, please.

> [laughing] >> jordan.

>> jordan. > yeah.

> yeah. >> the paki in there

>> the paki in there was giving me

was giving me such a fucking hassle.

such a fucking hassle. > why?

> why? >> he was like 'no filming

>> he was like 'no filming in here, no camera,

in here, no camera, i'm paranoid'.

i'm paranoid'. i was like, i am the customer,

i was like, i am the customer, i know best.

i know best. > yeah.

> yeah. in this country.

in this country. >> yeah, yeah.

i think he's running some terrorist shit in there.

some terrorist shit in there. > wait, really?

> wait, really? kelly.

kelly. this is gonna be

this is gonna be a really fucking long trip.

a really fucking long trip. >> i know.

>> i know. > i'm taking some ecstasy.

> i'm taking some ecstasy. >> fuck yeah.

>> fuck yeah. > rave time!

> rave time! >> it's 8:00!

>> it's 8:00! > i go first, i go first.

> i go first, i go first. >> wooo!!

>> wooo!! yeah.

be easy on the booze, kelly. > that's a big one.

> that's a big one. chill out, i'm fine.

chill out, i'm fine. >> [laughing]

> this is a video dedicated to matt.

dedicated to matt. >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] > thank you for your drugs.

> thank you for your drugs. >> thank you for your drugs.

>> thank you for your drugs. fuck you.

fuck you. > you have a little dick.

> you have a little dick. that's what jordan says.

that's what jordan says. >> oh my god, jordan,

>> oh my god, jordan, you just posted this?

you just posted this? > yeah, right outside

> yeah, right outside the liquor store.

the liquor store. >> awesome.

>> awesome. dude, matt is freaking out.

dude, matt is freaking out. > what's he say?

> what's he say? >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] he says he needs the shit back

he says he needs the shit back right away.

right away. [laughing]

[laughing] > fuck you matt.

> fuck you matt. >> fuck you matt.

>> fuck you matt. [laughing]

[laughing] dick.

dick. jordan, you're such

jordan, you're such a badass 'cause

a badass 'cause you're filming me...

you're filming me... and you're driving

and you're driving at the same time.

say something. > you say something.

>> you say something. > kelly.

> kelly. you say something.

>> my god, this water bottle feels so good on my face,

feels so good on my face, jordan.

jordan. > [laughing]

> [laughing] >> this water bottle

>> this water bottle feels good on my face.

feels good on my face. [laughing]

[laughing] rave this on your face.

i can't even follow this fucking beat, god.

fucking beat, god. > kelly, that's your job.

> kelly, that's your job. [laughing]

[laughing] i just drive.

>> you're the smart one, jordan.

jordan. you're the smart one.

you're the smart one. > wait.

> wait. what.

what. >> just go left.

like, what do i do? >> just fucking go left.

>> just fucking go left. just do it.

just do it. just do it.

just do it. > [laughing]

>> jordan, you're like, so fucked up right now.

so fucked up right now. jordan, fucking move back

jordan, fucking move back in our lane!

in our lane! jordan, what the fuck,

jordan, what the fuck, what the fuck are you doing?

what the fuck are you doing? [screams]

[screams] [thudding]

holy shit jordan. i think i'm fine.

i think i'm fine. are you fine?

are you fine? > yeah.

> yeah. no.

no. holy shit.

holy shit. >> holy shit.

>> holy shit. we just got into an accident,

we just got into an accident, and we're totally fine,

and we're totally fine, 'cause rule.

and we're gonna figure something out.

figure something out. right jordan!?

right jordan!? holy fucking shit.

holy fucking shit. fuck, where are we?

dude. > fuck.

> fuck. >> we're lost.

>> we're lost. > fuck.

> fuck. oh my god.

oh my god. oh my god.

oh my god. what am i gonna do, my dad,

what am i gonna do, my dad, he's gonna fucking kill me.

he's gonna fucking kill me. >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] this is a good picture.

this is a good picture. > it's not funny kelly.

> it's not funny kelly. >> yo.

>> yo. can you give me a recap?

can you give me a recap? > fuck off!

> fuck off! >> jordan.

i don't know if i got everything recorded on my phone.

recorded on my phone. tell me how you

tell me how you crashed the car.

crashed the car. > jordan, this is so--

> jordan, this is so-- >> tell me how you crashed it.

>> tell me how you crashed it. > fuck, jordan.

> fuck, jordan. we gotta figure this shit out.

we gotta figure this shit out. we gotta figure out

we gotta figure out how we're getting to

how we're getting to fucking staten island.

fucking staten island. >> oh my god,

>> oh my god, fuck staten island, kelly,

fuck staten island, kelly, fucking your fucking camera,

fucking your fucking camera, fuck everything!

fuck everything! > jordan, come on,

> jordan, come on, get it together,

get it together, we are in this!

we are in this! we've come so far,

we've come so far, come on jordan.

come on jordan. chill, i'm gonna

chill, i'm gonna figure this out.

figure this out. >> what am i gonna do?!

>> what am i gonna do?! what am i gonna do?

what am i gonna do? > [laughing]

> [laughing] you sound like a banshee.

you sound like a banshee. jordan, chill out.

jordan, chill out. >> [indistinct squealing]

>> [indistinct squealing] > [laughing]

> [laughing] >> go away!

>> go away! > holy shit, jordan!

> holy shit, jordan! >> what?

>> what? > fucking poo bare.

> fucking poo bare. >> what?

>> what? > he's my biggest fan,

> he's my biggest fan, he's a fucking cop.

he's a fucking cop. >> what?

>> what? > yeah!

> yeah! he's a state trooper guy

he's a state trooper guy from newberg!

from newberg! that's not that far!

that's not that far! i'm gonna call him.

i'm gonna call him. >> you have his phone number?

> yeah, he texts me all the time,

all the time, and he sends me like,

and he sends me like, cheesy necklaces and shit.

cheesy necklaces and shit. >> ew.

can you... no, that's not him

no, that's not him i don't think.

i don't think. is, well, oh.

is, well, oh. no.

no. fuck, kelly.

fuck, kelly. > jordan, he's like,

> jordan, he's like, in love with me,

in love with me, he's my number one fan.

he's my number one fan. he tips me the most.

he tips me the most. >> kelly, we're gonna be

>> kelly, we're gonna be out here all fucking night.

out here all fucking night. like, what if he's not--

like, what if he's not-- > chill out.

> chill out. >> what if he's like a psycho

>> what if he's like a psycho killer and he's not a cop.

killer and he's not a cop. > oh my god.

> oh my god. >> you've never met him.

> why would he lie about being a cop?

being a cop? that's not even a very good job.

that's not even a very good job. >> yeah.

>> yeah. > he's totally a cop.

> he's totally a cop. and he totally loves me,

and he totally loves me, so calm down,

so calm down, we're gonna be fine.

we're gonna be fine. i hope this was a good idea.

i hope this was a good idea. oh, shit, he's coming.

oh, shit, he's coming. film me.

film me. >> do you know what he

>> do you know what he looks like?

looks like? > no.

oh my god, i'm nervous, oh my god, oh my god,

oh my god, oh my god, oh shit, okay.

[crickets chirping] is that you poo bare?

>> kelly? > yeah!

> yeah! oh my god.

oh my god. woah.

woah. >> oh my god,

>> oh my god, i can't believe it's you.

i can't believe it's you. > i can't see your face.

> i can't see your face. woah.

woah. >> wow, you look great.

>> wow, you look great. wow.

wow. > [laughing]

> [laughing] well duh.

>> well, i'm sure, i mean, you always look great.

you always look great. > i can't believe

> i can't believe you're not fat.

you're not fat. >> thanks, yeah,

>> thanks, yeah, i'm not, i'm not fat.

i'm not, i'm not fat. > holy.

> holy. >> you thought i was fat?

>> you thought i was fat? > holy shit.

> holy shit. >> who's this?

>> who's this? >that's my biffo, jordan.

>that's my biffo, jordan. >> hey.

>> hey. > hi.

> hi. >> duh.

>> duh. > i can't believe, i don't know

> i can't believe, i don't know what the hell i'm doing here.

what the hell i'm doing here. this is insane.

this is insane. >> oh my god,

>> oh my god, thank you so much for coming,

thank you so much for coming, you're like,

you're like, saving my life right now!

saving my life right now! > hey, you gotta

> hey, you gotta put that phone down, sweetie,

put that phone down, sweetie, you can't be filming me

you can't be filming me with that phone.

with that phone. no, you gotta put it down, now.

>> jordan. it's poo bare, in the flesh.

it's poo bare, in the flesh. in the flesh.

oh my god.

> you're not driving anywhere in that thing tonight.

in that thing tonight. >> aw, no.

>> aw, no. > oh no, it's done.

>> i kind of need you to help us out.

to help us out. you know what i mean?

you know what i mean? the car was stolen.

the car was stolen. > this car--

> this car-- >> yeah yeah yeah.

>> yeah yeah yeah. the car was stolen,

the car was stolen, we're not here right now.

we're not here right now. > no way, no way,

> no way, no way, i can't do that,

i can't do that, kelly, i'm--

kelly, i'm-- >> you wanna party

>> you wanna party with king kelly tonight?

> [laughing]

okay, shit, get in my car, let's go--

let's go-- >> [cheering]

>> [cheering] > shhh, shh, come on.

> shhh, shh, come on. stop filming me.

stop filming me. come on.

come on. >> you're my knight

>> you're my knight in shining armor, poo bare.

in shining armor, poo bare. > put the phone down

> put the phone down and get in the--

and get in the-- >> oh my god we're riding

>> oh my god we're riding in the state trooper car.

in the state trooper car. > get in the car, come on.

> get in the car, come on. >> oh my god, poo bare!

>> oh my god, poo bare! [laughing]

[laughing] woo!

jordan where are you? i can't see you back there.

i can't see you back there. > wait wait, i'll turn on the--

> wait wait, i'll turn on the-- >> yeah!

>> yeah! [laughing]

what kind of music you got goin' on here?

you got goin' on here? > uh, yeah.

> uh, yeah. >> i don't even know what

>> i don't even know what any of these bands are.

any of these bands are. > play it play it.

> play it play it. murderclock.

murderclock.

♪ music oh yeah!

oh yeah! oh yeah!

oh yeah! [indistinct]

[indistinct] >> this, this, alright,

>> this, this, alright, that's enough.

that's enough. [music stops]

that you're not gonna show these videos to anyone.

show these videos to anyone. alright?

alright? > just our online friends.

> just our online friends. >> no, no way.

>> no, no way. no, not online.

no, not online. no way.

what are you playing with back there, sweetie?

back there, sweetie? > [giggling]

> [giggling] >> poo bare.

>> poo bare. > yeah.

> yeah. >> put your

>> put your state trooper hat on.

state trooper hat on. > no, no, i can't.

> no, no, i can't. i don't wear that in the car.

i don't wear that in the car. i just wear that

i just wear that when i'm outside.

when i'm outside. sorry.

sorry. >> you look good

>> you look good with your hat on, poo bare.

with your hat on, poo bare. > i do?

> i do? heh.

heh. look, i'm just gonna

look, i'm just gonna drop you off at the club

drop you off at the club and then i have to go.

and then i have to go. >> no, poo bare,

>> no, poo bare, you have to stay and party

you have to stay and party with us.

with us. > no, i'm on duty

> no, i'm on duty for another hour, so.

>> well we'll totally wait for you.

wait for you. > yeah!

> yeah! >> come on, you're hanging out

>> come on, you're hanging out with king kelly tonight.

with king kelly tonight. > yeah.

> yeah. >> this is a huge deal.

>> this is a huge deal. you're gonna make

you're gonna make all the fanboys go nuts.

all the fanboys go nuts. > yeah.

> yeah. >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] > come on, poo bear.

> come on, poo bear. don't you wanna hang out

don't you wanna hang out with the king?

with the king? [laughing]

[laughing] it's the 4th of july.

it's the 4th of july. and this is king kelly.

and this is king kelly. reporting from poo bears

reporting from poo bears state trooper car.

state trooper car. happy 4th of july.

>> [on radio] we got a possible 41,

a possible 41, hit and run abandoned vehicle,

hit and run abandoned vehicle, down in spring ridge.

down in spring ridge. barker, do you copy?

barker, do you copy? > shit.

> shit. >> holy shit,

>> holy shit, is that jordan's car?

is that jordan's car? > shit.

> shit. >> what did he say?

> be quiet, be quiet. i gotta take this.

i gotta take this. shut up.

shut up. hey tommy,

hey tommy, this is barker, i copy.

>> [on radio] what's your location?

location? > currently headed south

> currently headed south on route 27,

on route 27, just past columbus.

just past columbus. >> pulling into 22 now,

>> pulling into 22 now, look up ahead for me

look up ahead for me in the medium.

in the medium. > copy that, i see your lights.

> copy that, i see your lights. oh shit.

oh shit. fuck.

fuck. shit.

shit. shit shit.

shit shit. >> poo bare,

>> poo bare, what is that number?

what is that number? the 4-whatever number?

the 4-whatever number? what does that mean?

what does that mean? > just shut up,

> just shut up, i gotta think,

i gotta think, okay, kelly,

okay, kelly, get in the back seat,

get in the back seat, okay, come on.

okay, come on. get in the back seat.

get in the back seat. >> why?

>> why? > just come on, hurry up.

> just come on, hurry up. i gotta pull over here.

i gotta pull over here. >> alright, hold this.

>> alright, hold this. > get back there, come on.

> get back there, come on. >> ooh, smack my ass

>> ooh, smack my ass some more.

some more. [laughing]

[laughing] oh my god.

> just keep your heads down, don't make a fucking peep.

don't make a fucking peep. >> poo bare, where do you

>> poo bare, where do you want me to put my head?

want me to put my head? > down there.

> down there. turn the fucking cameras off,

turn the fucking cameras off, this is not a joke now.

this is not a joke now. >> so serious.

>> so serious. > this is serious,

> this is serious, turn the light off,

turn the light off, turn the light off.

turn the light off. >> okay, just turn it off.

>> okay, just turn it off. okay.

okay. > otherwise i can't see you.

>> hey there, tommy, what you got,

what you got, abandoned vehicle?

abandoned vehicle? > yeah, looks like

> yeah, looks like a one car crash,

a one car crash, accept the driver

accept the driver seemed to disappear

seemed to disappear into thin fucking air.

into thin fucking air. >> huh.

>> huh. > some old lady called up

> some old lady called up said she saw two hookers on

said she saw two hookers on the side of the road up there.

the side of the road up there. >> oh yeah.

> she was too afraid to get out. just advising you

just advising you of the situation and keep

of the situation and keep your eyes peeled for hookers.

your eyes peeled for hookers. >> will do tom, will do.

>> will do tom, will do. > alright then, good work.

> alright then, good work. >> alright tom.

>> alright tom. > [snickering]

> [snickering] >> shh.

> poo bare, was that your commanding officer?

your commanding officer? >> yes.

>> yes. shut the fuck up,

shut the fuck up, we're not done, stay down.

we're not done, stay down. > shh.

> shh. >> dude, you're like jedi

>> dude, you're like jedi knight mind tricking hot guy.

knight mind tricking hot guy. > i can't believe that worked,

> i can't believe that worked, i can't believe

i can't believe that fucking worked.

that fucking worked. >> this is good though right,

>> this is good though right, like, no one knows

like, no one knows i crashed it right?

i crashed it right? > yeah, right,

nobody knows it's jordans, right poo bare?

right poo bare? >> yeah, i think you're

>> yeah, i think you're in the free and clear.

in the free and clear. > yes!

> yes! oh my god.

>> as long as no one tracks down those two hookers.

those two hookers. [laughing]

[laughing] > what the fuck, poo bare,

> what the fuck, poo bare, you know, your

you know, your commanding officer's a dick.

could have thrown us all in jail.

all in jail. > i know, and you saved us.

> i know, and you saved us. you saved the night.

you saved the night. poo bare.

poo bare. >> thank you poo bare.

>> thank you poo bare. > my hero.

> my hero. >> seriously.

>> seriously. > jordan.

do you think we should give poo bare some honey?

poo bare some honey? >> oh yeah, poo bare,

>> oh yeah, poo bare, let us thank you,

let us thank you, we have drugs.

we have drugs. > yeah!

> yeah! >> holy shit, no,

>> holy shit, no, no, no, no, no.

no, no, no, no. > you saved our lives.

> you saved our lives. >> come on,

>> come on, no drugs in the cruiser,

no drugs in the cruiser, come on, you know how much

come on, you know how much trouble i'll get in?

back here, it's okay. > show us what a bad ass

> show us what a bad ass you are and do some coke

you are and do some coke in your state trooper car.

in your state trooper car. >> yeah, it'll help you

>> yeah, it'll help you work better.

work better. > what?

> what? >> yeah, yeah,

>> yeah, yeah, it'll make you more alert.

it'll make you more alert. > right.

> right. >> yeah.

>> yeah. > be the badass that you are.

> be the badass that you are. >> alright, one line of coke.

>> alright, one line of coke. > yay!

> yay! poo bare!

poo bare! oh my god, poo bare,

oh my god, poo bare, we love you!

we love you! >> okay, come on,

>> okay, come on, be careful.

be careful. > we love you, seriously.

> we love you, seriously. >> god, you're so

>> god, you're so hot right now.

hot right now. really really.

really really. > poo bare likes honey.

> poo bare likes honey. >> yeah, good one!

>> yeah, good one! [laughing]

[laughing] > hail, hail, state police!

> hail, hail, state police! >> hail, hail, state police!

>> hail, hail, state police! > king of the road

> king of the road come follow me.

come follow me. >> king of the road

>> king of the road come follow me.

come follow me. > nothing in this

> nothing in this world is free.

world is free. >> nothing in this

>> nothing in this world is free.

world is free. > a trooper's life

> a trooper's life was made for me.

was made for me. >> a trooper life

>> a trooper life was made for me.

was made for me. [laughing]

[laughing] yea!

yea! > that's good, right,

> that's good, right, that's good.

that's good. >> that's so hot.

>> that's so hot. > best song ever, poo bare.

> best song ever, poo bare.

♪ music >> film a state trooper

>> film a state trooper doing coke.

doing coke. > oh, no no,

> oh, no no, don't film you can't film that,

don't film you can't film that, don't film that.

don't film that. >> okay.

>> okay. > [sniffing]

you guys turn that strobe light off, okay?

strobe light off, okay? [laughing]

[laughing] >> chad's a fucking psycho.

>> chad's a fucking psycho. when did he send this?

when did he send this? > i don't know,

> i don't know, but he sent me like, 12.

but he sent me like, 12. >> he's just trying to scare me.

>> he's just trying to scare me. why is he texting me?

why is he texting me? outta my hands,

outta my hands, what the fuck does that mean?

what the fuck does that mean? poo bare?

poo bare? how far away are we?

[sniffing]

> this place is a shit-hole. >> oh, it's right up here.

>> oh, it's right up here. > it's right here?

> it's right here? >> yeah.

>> yeah. > right up here.

> right up here. >> yeah, make a right.

>> yeah, make a right. > ooh ryan.

> ooh ryan. nice one.

nice one. kelly, kelly kelly.

kelly, kelly kelly. >> oh, fuck,

>> oh, fuck, there's my car.

there's my car. park park, hurry up

park park, hurry up poo bare, park,

poo bare, park, it's the red one.

it's the red one. > right here?

> right here? >> yeah yeah yeah,

>> yeah yeah yeah, hurry hurry.

> what the fuck. >> what?

>> what? > woah.

> woah. >> that fucking dick.

>> that fucking dick. > what?

> what? >> the shit is not there.

>> the shit is not there. > wait, what's not there?

> wait, what's not there? >> nothing, just something

>> nothing, just something i fucking need, okay?

i fucking need, okay? > oh, jesus,

> oh, jesus, maybe i don't wanna know.

maybe i don't wanna know. >> what are we gonna do.

>> what are we gonna do. > poo bare.

> poo bare. you gotta go in there like

you gotta go in there like you're gonna arrest him,

you're gonna arrest him, grand theft fucking auto.

grand theft fucking auto. >> kelly, look at how

>> kelly, look at how i'm dressed.

i'm dressed. > you gotta do it.

> you gotta do it. >> what the hell

in staten island [indistinct] > jordan, you gotta

> jordan, you gotta go in there.

go in there. >> what, me?

> yeah, you gotta go in there. >> why me?

>> why me? > because ryan loves you

> because ryan loves you because you're all sweet

because you're all sweet and innocent--

>> kelly i wouldn't even know what to say--

know what to say-- > i don't know just

> i don't know just make something up please.

make something up please. you know how badly

you know how badly i need this package.

i need this package. jordan.

jordan. jordan.

jordan. you can do this.

you can do this. you can do it.

you can do it. >> fuck.

> this is all ryan's fucking fault.

fucking fault. if he didn't steal my car

if he didn't steal my car none of this shit

none of this shit would be happening

would be happening right now.

right now. [sniffing]

[sniffing] poo bare.

poo bare. >> i feel all buzzy right now.

>> i feel all buzzy right now. > poo bare.

> poo bare. you gotta help me.

you gotta help me. you have to scare ryan

you have to scare ryan so he'll tell me

so he'll tell me where the package is.

where the package is. >> what the hell was

>> what the hell was in that package anyway?

in that package anyway? > come on, tell me?

> come on, tell me? >> it's pretty bad.

>> it's pretty bad. > no, no, listen.

> no, no, listen. i'm not going any further

i'm not going any further into this unless you tell me

into this unless you tell me what you were looking for

what you were looking for in the trunk.

>> it's just like, allergy inhalers

allergy inhalers and boner pills and shit.

and boner pills and shit. i didn't even know

i didn't even know that that's what it was.

that that's what it was. > shit, that's bad.

>> poo bare. i gotta get it back, okay?

i gotta get it back, okay? please can you help me?

> if i do this... i want you to do something

i want you to do something for me in return.

for me in return. >> what?

>> what? > i want you to fuck me.

> i want you to fuck me. i wanna fuck king kelly tonight.

i wanna fuck king kelly tonight. i'm sorry to say it like that.

i'm sorry to say it like that. but i really want to.

>> yeah.

okay, i'll fuck you. just help me get my

just help me get my package back and i'll do

package back and i'll do whatever you want.

shit, poo bare, go! fucking, let's go [indistinct]

fucking, let's go [indistinct] yeah!

yeah! oh, shit.

oh, shit. scare him.

scare him. kick his ass.

kick his ass. > get down on the ground.

> get down on the ground. >> woah, woah, woah.

>> woah, woah, woah. > hit him, poo bare!

> hit him, poo bare! >> [indistinct]

>> [indistinct] stop resisting.

stop resisting. > [screaming]

> [screaming] >> you're under arrest asshole,

>> you're under arrest asshole, where are the drugs,

tell me where the drugs are. > i don't know

what you're talking about. >> where's chad's package?

>> where's chad's package? > what the fuck, you are

> what the fuck, you are a fucking psycho bitch, kelly.

a fucking psycho bitch, kelly. >> you're a dick!

>> you're a dick! > you show some fucking respect.

> you show some fucking respect. >> how do you feel now, ryan.

>> how do you feel now, ryan. how do you feel now?

how do you feel now? > they're gonna lock you

> they're gonna lock you in fucking sing-sing asshole.

in fucking sing-sing asshole. that's felony possession,

that's felony possession, is that what you want?

is that what you want? you have exactly 2 seconds

you have exactly 2 seconds to tell me where

to tell me where that package is, 1-

they're kelly's drugs. > 2-3-

> 2-3- >> ah, okay,

>> ah, okay, okay.

they're in my dad's garage, but they're kelly's drugs.

but they're kelly's drugs. you should be arresting her.

you should be arresting her. > stop talking.

> stop talking. [indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter] you'd better hope you're

telling the truth or i'm going ransacking your daddy's

>> dude, how can you legally do that?

> i can do whatever i want, asshole.

asshole. >> yeah, he can do

whatever he fucking wants. pose.

pose. pose for me, poo bare.

pose for me, poo bare. > are you serious?

> are you serious? this is going on facebook.

this is going on facebook. >> shut up.

>> shut up. hey.

> this is going everywhere, dick!

dick! >> get in the car.

>> get in the car. > arrest him!

> arrest him! >> i'm gonna thump

>> i'm gonna thump your fucking skull, asshole.

your fucking skull, asshole. > jordan!

> jordan! >> fix this, please.

>> fix this, please. > get in my car.

is that more coke? >> no, it's ketamine.

> oh, it's gonna be one of those nights.

>> why didn't you tell me you were gonna

You were gonna do that to ryan?

Do that to ryan? > 'cause i didn't know.

> 'cause i didn't know. poo bare went all overboard.

>> that was fucked up, kelly.

Kelly. >> whatever,

>> whatever, ryan deserves it.

Ryan deserves it. > whatever, no he doesn't.

> whatever, no he doesn't. and you probably just ruined

And you probably just ruined my friendship with ryan.

My friendship with ryan. >> whose side are you on,

>> whose side are you on, jordan?

Jordan? > whatever.

> whatever. where are we going,

Where are we going, anyway?

Anyway? >> the gas station.

> where are... what are we doing here?

What are we doing here? >> poo bare says he needs gas,

But i think he wants to buy condoms.

> you're not really gonna fuck the cop, are you?

Fuck the cop, are you? >> no.

>> no. i don't konw.

I don't konw. i mean he's kind of cute.

I mean he's kind of cute. you don't think so?

You don't think so? i'm gonna go get a diet coke.

I'm gonna go get a diet coke. you want anything?

You want anything? > no, i want a smoke.

>> you shouldn't smoke, sweetie.

Sweetie. those things'll kill you.

> dick.

Are you okay? >> what the fuck do you think,

>> what the fuck do you think, jordan?

Jordan? > i'm so sorry ryan.

> i'm so sorry ryan. i had no idea they were

I had no idea they were gonna do this to you.

Gonna do this to you. >> jordan, open this door.

>> jordan, open this door. > what?

> what? >> i need some air.

>> i need some air. it's hot and it's

It's hot and it's stifling in here.

Stifling in here. can you open the door

Can you open the door just for a second,

Just for a second, i need some air.

I need some air. > uhh...

> uhh... >> i feel like i'm suffocating,

>> i feel like i'm suffocating, jordan.

Jordan. > uhh...

> uhh... >> please?

Just real quick. >> okay, just for a second.

>> okay, just for a second. > yeah,

> yeah, just for a little bit.

Just for a little bit. >> just for a second,

>> just for a second, just like, a little bit.

Just like, a little bit. > thanks jordan!

> thanks jordan! >> wait, ryan, ryan,

>> wait, ryan, ryan, you have to come back, ryan!

> hot and beefy. >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] fucking kidding me?

Fucking kidding me? > kingkelly.com.

> kingkelly.com. it'll make you happy.

[laughing] >> what the fuck?

>> what the fuck? > fuck!

> fuck! >> holy shit.

>> holy shit. which way did he go?

Which way did he go? > jordan,

> jordan, you retarded moron!

You retarded moron! oh my god, no, no,

Oh my god, no, no, i'm coming with you.

I'm coming with you. i'm coming with you poo bare.

I'm coming with you poo bare. we gotta get him.

Poo bare, we gotta catch his fucking scrawny ass,

His fucking scrawny ass, let's go.

Let's go. holy shit.

Holy shit. poo bare.

Poo bare. oh my god, this is awesome.

Oh my god, this is awesome. this is like that show cops,

This is like that show cops, this is always how it goes.

This is always how it goes. oh my god, poo bare.

Oh my god, poo bare. this is so hot.

This is so hot. >> [laughing]

>> [laughing] oh shit.

> where'd the skinny kid with the handcuffs go?

With the handcuffs go? >> oh, man,

>> oh, man, i don't know--

> come on, i know you fucking saw him.

Fucking saw him. >> yeah, man, sorry.

>> yeah, man, sorry. > are you two assholes

> are you two assholes trying to get yourselves

Trying to get yourselves arrested right now?

Arrested right now? i swear to fucking god--

I swear to fucking god-- >> especially since you brought

>> especially since you brought your deputy out here with you.

Your deputy out here with you. > hey becky.

> hey becky. >> oh, shit, there he goes!

>> oh, shit, there he goes! [indistinct shouting]

[indistinct shouting] yeah!

Yeah! poo bare, hurry hurry,

Poo bare, hurry hurry, we gotta fucking get him.

We gotta fucking get him. > no, this is a dead end.

> no, this is a dead end. i'm gonna fuck him up,

I'm gonna fuck him up, you want me to fuck him up?

You want me to fuck him up? >> yeah, baby.

>> yeah, baby. > i'm gonna fuck him up.

> i'm gonna fuck him up. let's go.

>> yeah! poo bare!

I'm like your hot assistant! > yeah.

>> like your sidekick. > check over there.

> check over there. >> where is he?

>> where is he? > there his is.

> there his is. come out here,

Come out here, mother fucker.

Mother fucker. you get your ass

You get your ass out here right now!

Out here right now! >> get away from me!

>> get away from me! [indistinct shouting]

[indistinct shouting] > ow!

> ow! >> oh shit.

> what the fuck is the matter with you people?!

With you people?! >> check this out, baby.

>> check this out, baby. [buzzing]

[buzzing] > oh, no, no, no, don't.

> oh, no, no, no, don't. don't, don't, don't.

Don't, don't, don't. >> come here.

>> come here. > argh!

> argh! [buzzing]

[buzzing] ahh.

Please, no. >> get up.

>> get up. > [groaning]

> [groaning] >> ohh, ryan.

>> ohh, ryan. > how's that feel?

> how's that feel? >> trophy shot.

>> trophy shot. [laughing]

[laughing] > smile.

> smile. >> hey, you really

>> hey, you really look like shit, ryan.

Look like shit, ryan. that's what happens

That's what happens when you mess with the king.

When you mess with the king. > don't fuck with the king.

> don't fuck with the king. >> yeah.

>> yeah. ree-errr-ree-err.

What'cha doin', jordash? that's a lot of k.

That's a lot of k. jordan.

Jordan. you'd better be careful.

Jordash.

That a boy, poo bare. yeah.

Yeah. wanna be marine.

Woah. exorcist.

Exorcist. jordan.

Jordan. you're fucked up right now.

Hey, did you let ryan out on the car on purpose?

Out on the car on purpose? i won't care if you did.

Whatever. i don't want ryan here

I don't want ryan here anymore either.

Anymore either. he's making poo bare

He's making poo bare all weird and paranoid.

All weird and paranoid. > we should just go, kelly.

>> oh, yes, he's coming. see, i told you.

Yes! that's totally it.

That's totally it. shh.

Shh. oh my god.

Oh my god. > kelly, i'm done--

> kelly, i'm done-- >> you're not done with shit.

>> you're not done with shit. > wait, poo bare, poo bare,

> wait, poo bare, poo bare, why are you taking ryan?

Why are you taking ryan? >> why are you taking me?

>> why are you taking me? > no, i don't trust

> no, i don't trust this little fucker,

This little fucker, alright?

Alright? he's coming with us.

He's coming with us. hey, let's party.

Hey, let's party. get in your car,

Get in your car, follow me.

Follow me. >> i got my drugs,

>> i got my drugs, i got my drugs.

I got my drugs. jordan.

Jordan. drugs, in my possession.

Drugs, in my possession. party time.

Party time. ree-errr-ree-err

Ree-errr-ree-err ree-errr-ree-err.

Dude, jordan. jordan, wake up.

Jordan, wake up. i don't wanna party

I don't wanna party with poo bare alone.

With poo bare alone. he's a freaking weirdo.

Ultimate fan video. it's about to happen.

> get up.

Fine, i'll get you up. got a key?

Got a key? >> yeah.

>> yeah. > what room?

> what room? >> 115.

>> 115. > 115.

> 115. >> good one, poo bare.

Jordan, where are you going? we gotta go that way!

We gotta go that way! 115!

Classy joint, poo bare.

> what am i doing here? [door slamming]

[door slamming] jordan, are you okay?

Jordan, are you okay? >> this way, sweetie.

>> this way, sweetie. there you go.

There you go. come on, let's do this.

Come on, let's do this. > let's do it.

> let's do it. you bring the blow?

You bring the blow? >> check this out.

>> check this out. > you guys are fucking gross.

> you guys are fucking gross. >> oh, that is so fucking hot.

>> oh, that is so fucking hot. you are so fucking hot.

You are so fucking hot. > this is fucking kidnapping.

> this is fucking kidnapping. >> shut up.

>> shut up. > [laughing]

> [laughing] >> who are you,

>> who are you, you're not a real cop.

You're not a real cop. > listen.

You keep your mouth shut, i'll set you free in an hour,

I'll set you free in an hour, but you keep acting

But you keep acting like a tough guy,

And i'm gonna run you in for stealing kelly's car,

For stealing kelly's car, it's up to you.

It's up to you. >> it's my car,

>> it's my car, it's under my name.

It's under my name. > no it's not, it's my car!

> no it's not, it's my car! >> you fucking psycho bitch--

>> you fucking psycho bitch-- > hey!

You show a little fucking respect!

Fucking respect! i'm gonna make you

I'm gonna make you puke shit, buddy.

Puke shit, buddy. [thudding]

[thudding] >> shit!

>> shit! > [gasping]

> [gasping] >> i told you to shut up,

>> i told you to shut up, i am not fucking around!

I am not fucking around! just kidding.

Just kidding. that's a good video, huh?

That's a good video, huh? that's a good video.

> shit, poo bare. >> just kidding.

>> just kidding. let's do this.

Let's do this. > put him in the bathroom.

Do your state trooper song for me, poo bare.

For me, poo bare. >> my state trooper song?

>> my state trooper song? > yeah, do it,

Do your state trooper song. >> [sniffing]

>> [sniffing] hail, hail, state police!

Hail, hail, state police! > hail, hail, state police!

> hail, hail, state police! >> king of the road

>> king of the road come follow me.

Come follow me. > king of the road

> king of the road come follow me.

Come follow me. >> nothing in this world

>> nothing in this world is free.

Is free. > nothing in this world is free.

> nothing in this world is free. >> a trooper's life

>> a trooper's life was made for me.

Was made for me. > a trooper life

> a trooper life was made for me.

Was made for me. ryan's okay, right?

Ryan's okay, right? >> yeah, he's fine,

>> yeah, he's fine, just broke his nose.

> jordan. jordan.

Jordan. [indistinct]

[indistinct] oh my god,

Oh my god, you're so fucked up.

You're so fucked up. jordan.

Jordan. help me.

Help me. jordan, you gotta help me.

Jordan, you gotta help me. jordan, jordan.

Jordan, jordan. put the fucking camera--

Jordan. jordan.

Jordan. [thudding]

[thudding]

>> woah.

> strip for me.

[laughing] so fucking hot, baby.

So fucking hot, baby. come on, dance.

Come on, dance. dance for me.

Yeah. yeah.

Yeah. i love it when you dance.

I love it when you dance. >> i can keep dancing for you.

>> i can keep dancing for you. > yeah?

> yeah? >> yeah.

>> yeah. > no, take my pants off.

>> let's just get on the bed.

Come on, poo bare. > suck my cock.

Come on. take off your bra.

>> give it to me. give it to me.

Give it to me. > no.

> no. i wanna film you.

>> i'm filming you, poo bare.

Poo bare. yeah.

Yeah. yeah, let me film you.

Yeah, let me film you. > yeah, film me baby.

> yeah, film me baby. yeah.

>> jordan. jordan.

Jordan. jordan.

Jordan. jordan.

Jordan. jordan, wake up.

Jordan, wake up. look at me.

Look at me. jordan.

Jordan. you have to help me.

You have to help me. jordan, you have to unlock me.

Jordan, you have to unlock me. please, unlock me.

Please, unlock me. we have to get out of here.

We have to get out of here. i think that cop is gonna

I think that cop is gonna try to kill me.

> [groaning] >> [moaning]

>> [moaning] yeah.

> shhh, shh. i think he's hurting her.

I think he's hurting her. >> jordan, get those keys.

>> jordan, get those keys. they're on the belt right there.

They're on the belt right there. > alright.

> alright. good, good.

>> [indistinct whispering] > put them in my hand.

> put them in my hand. okay, great.

Okay, great. okay.

Okay. i'm gonna get

I'm gonna get out of these cuffs.

Out of these cuffs. i'm gonna get

I'm gonna get out of these cuffs.

Out of these cuffs. >> he's coming for us.

>> he's coming for us. > okay, okay, okay.

> okay, okay, okay. we're okay, we're okay.

Alright. >> he's gonna kill us.

> oh, fuck. fuck, you,

Fuck, you, you're so fucking hot.

You're so fucking hot. i'm gonna come.

Baby, i'm gonna fucking come in you.

Come in you. i'm gonna fucking come.

I'm gonna fucking come. [gunshot]

[gunshot] >> oh shit!

>> oh shit! oh my god, ryan,

Oh my god, ryan, you shot him!

You shot him! > it's not my fault!

> it's not my fault! [indistinct screaming]

[indistinct screaming] this is not my fault!

This is not my fault! [screaming]

[screaming] >> jordan, we gotta

>> jordan, we gotta get out of here!

Get out of here! get in the car,

Get in the car, i'll meet you at the car.

I'll meet you at the car. fuck, fuck, i gotta

Fuck, fuck, i gotta get dressed, shit!

> [coughing]

>> poo bare, i gotta go. don't tell anybody about this,

Don't tell anybody about this, okay?

Okay? just make something up.

> okay.

Kelly.

>> he's really fucking bleeding jordan.

Fucking bleeding jordan. > what are we gonna do?

> what are we gonna do? >> i don't know.

>> i don't know. i don't know.

I don't know. i don't know.

I don't know. > kelly, we have to find ryan,

> kelly, we have to find ryan, he just ran off.

Kelly, we have to get out of here now.

Out of here now. >> okay.

>> okay. > just drive.

> just drive. >> yeah, okay.

>> yeah, okay. fine.

Fine. > oh my god.

> oh my god. >> ryan!

>> ryan! what the fuck are you doing,

What the fuck are you doing, get in the car!

Get in the car! > ryan, we want to help you!

> ryan, we want to help you! >> go away!

>> go away! > please, get in the car!

> please, get in the car! >> get the fuck away from me!

>> get the fuck away from me! > kelly, stop the car,

> kelly, stop the car, stop the car.

Stop the car. >> ryan are you crazy,

>> ryan are you crazy, you're in the middle

You're in the middle of the ghetto!

> stop the fucking car! >> oh my god,

Are you seriously gonna ride in that thing?

Gonna ride in that thing? jordan!

Jordan, get in the fucking car. > [screaming]

> [screaming] >> jordan,

>> jordan, you're embarrassing yourself.

You're embarrassing yourself. get in the car, jordan.

Get in the car, jordan. get in here!

Get in here! >>ryan!

>>ryan! >jordan!

>jordan! i'm not coming after you!

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Dang, i'm so lost right now. i gotta figure this out.

I gotta figure this out. [sighs]

[sighs] fuck.

Jordan left her phone.

God, i look like such a loser.

Which one do i wanna eat? [indistinct]

Holy shit. look at all this food.

No one's gonna believe i ordered all this.

Maybe i'll just take one bite of everything and throw it out.

I'm all alone now. so what?

So what? so what?

So what? fucking jordan goes off

Fucking jordan goes off with ryan,

With ryan, she's fucking in love with him.

People are gonna freak out when i post this video.

When i post this video. no one can say shit to me

No one can say shit to me either, 'cause it all

Either, 'cause it all really happened.

I'm king kelly, bitches. i'm gonna show you all.

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