Original subtitles

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[phone ringing]

- Hey, Mom. - Good morning.

Oh, Katie, I have so much to tell you.

So we went out for the other Carol's birthday,

and I bought her a top from Chico's.

And then she opens Angie's present.

You are not going to believe this.

- It was the same top? - It was the same top!

Different color though. She's keeping them both.

That new "Bachelorette" gets on my nerves.

- Who wears a bikini top to a wine tasting?

both: And why does she keep bringing up her dead brother?

- Mom, I gotta go, I'm gonna miss my bus.

- Well, you know, you wouldn't have to commute

if you lived in New Jersey.

Your old room is just the way you left it,

so your father can sleep in there

and you can sleep in the big bed with me.

- No, Mom, I love New York. The energy, the glamour--

Ugh! Ew!

Did that rat just jump or did somebody throw that at me?

- I saw the show last night. Which segment was yours?

- I produced the one about Halloween costumes

for obese pets.

- Oh, it was good.

Ooh, I liked the dog that was a fat Dracula.

- No, Mom, I've been at this show for three years

and I have never produced a lead segment.

Greg just always gives me all the fluff pieces.

I feel like I'm treading water.

- Well, you have to go up to Greg and say,

"Listen, bub, I'm the best

and if you can't see it, you're an idiot."

- You can't call your boss an idiot.

I'm finally at work, Mom. I gotta go.

- Okay. Call you in ten.

[upbeat music]

*

- Oh, I'm exhausted.

I was in LA last night for the NFL Honors.

My fiancé won for Lewdest Touchdown Dance.

- Good morning, everyone. Just a warning,

David Muir interviewed Putin last night,

so we should all be prepared for Chuck to be in a bad mood.

Now, who has segment pitches?

- Oh, yeah. "The Washington Post" led

with a really inter-- - Oh, what if we did a segment

called, "Am I Snapchatting My Vacation Wrong"?

- Great. Katie, you can produce that.

- "The Washington Post" led with the UN Summit.

- Right. We'll open with Chuck doing a UN piece.

Gene, you produce that.

- You know who I hate?

- Ivanka Trump? Same.

You know, she farted in my face at SoulCycle.

- Young "rock and roll" reporters like David Muir.

This industry is plagued by ageism.

Unless you Twitter and know all the latest slang,

they'll throw you out like yesterday's newspaper,

which everyone's reading on their watch now, I guess.

Uh, Twitter: I ate a salad. Pound sign, I'm cool.

- Here's your coffee, sir. I'm Cody, the new intern.

- I'm sure we'll be very close.

Greg, fire Cody and get someone else

to bring me another coffee.

- Good meeting.

[quirky music]

- Listen, bub, I'm the best.

- What? - Nothing.

I'm so sorry I said that.

Don't even-- don't worry about it.

[upbeat news broadcast music]

*

- [groans] Justin, everything sucks.

I just want to be a great journalist, you know?

It's been my dream since, like, forever.

- You know what? Dreams just mess you up, okay?

I used to dream of being a doctor,

but every time I went into surgery,

my hands became dog mouths,

which was very frustrating,

'cause it was affecting my dexterity.

- Yeah. - Then I stopped drinking soda

at night and now I don't have that dream.

You see what I'm saying?

[phone ringing]

- Hey, Mom.

- The other Carol died!

- Oh, my God. What?

- It was a heart attack. No one saw it coming.

I mean, she was 400 pounds

and she screamed at the news a lot,

but hindsight's 20/20.

- Mom, I'm so sorry.

- Hey.

I had an idea about that Snapchat piece.

- I shouldn't have let her eat the whole cake!

- Can you hang on just one second?

- Oh, sure. - Ravenous!

- What if instead of doing it on the show,

we did it on Snapchat?

- Katie, are you still there? - Katie, are you listening?

- Yeah, I am.

- Anyway... - Anyway,

do you have any ideas? - I have no one

to go to the funeral with me.

- What about Dad? - Dads on Snapchat?

- Well, him, but I mean no one fun.

- That's the piece.

Can you get working on it? - Can you come with me, Katie?

- Yes, I can.

both: Great! Bye.

- Bye.

- Sorry I'm late.

- It's okay, honey.

It took them forever to carry in the casket.

Because of her weight. - Oh.

- Halfway down, they just slid it.

Dave, honey, breathe through your nose

or wait outside.

- Okay, you betcha.

- [sighs]

- [whispering] Love you, Dad.

- Carol accomplished a lot in her time on Earth.

She was a stay-at-home mom, a licensed driver,

and a dedicated "Doctor-- [clears throat]

Phil" viewer.

But she also had big dreams.

Carol's dream was to visit the castle in England

where "Harry Potter" was filmed,

but the Lord called her home. - [sobs]

- If we can learn anything from Carol's passing,

it is this--

if you have a dream, you must go after it,

not next year. not next week.

Now. all: Amen.

Greg, can I ask you something?

- No, we can't soundproof the women's room.

I'm sorry if the camera department

can hear you in there.

- That was an anonymous suggestion

and it wasn't-- it wasn't me.

No, um, I want to produce the lead...tonight.

- No.

- Wait, why no?

- Because Chuck is difficult and I trust Gene.

- But maybe you only trust Gene because he's a man.

Have you taken the Implicit Bias Test online?

My results said I distrust all white people.

- You honestly think I'm being sexist?

- I have worked here longer than Gene.

Why else haven't I gotten a shot?

- Maybe you're not as good as Gene.

You ever considered that?

- No, I-I had not.

- Good journalists, like Gene, can produce a segment

without someone saying, "Good job, little one."

Good journalists know when to scrap a story

and think on their feet if a better one comes along.

I don't think you can do that.

And actually, I don't think you think you can either.

- You don't know what I don't think.

- Hey, there's our girl.

You really showed that toilet who's boss.

- That wasn't me, Ron!

- Oh, well, thanks for finally joining us.

Can I get you a drink, a cranberry scone, an emoji?

Or should we start the damn meeting?

- Let's start, shall we? I think we should lead

with the hurricane. - Ooh, I have a story pitch.

Why is bathroom water sweeter than kitchen water?

- Fine. Katie, you take that.

Gene, you take the hurricane. Now, for the B block--

- Mr. Pierce, I would like to ask you something.

I have never produced a lead, ever,

and I've worked here longer than Gene.

- Which white guy is Gene? - I--

- And I really think I could do it

if I'm just given the chance.

I mean, shouldn't seniority count for something?

- Yes. Yes, it should.

This person is doing the hurricane lead.

[dramatic music]

You know what, Greg?

That's exactly what's wrong with this business.

Nobody rewards experience.

Well, I do!

My personal trainer lives in a nursing home!

- Very excited to work-- together.

*

Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

Oh, no, did Dad finally run off because of how you treat him?

- No, he's in the car. I cracked a window, he's fine.

Listen, I'm going back to school.

- Oh, that's great. - I'm gonna study

television production, and the admissions lady said

I could get credit for an internship.

- Oh, good for you, Mom.

- So I'm getting one here.

- What? What? No, no. Why? Help.

- Yeah, the show needs an intern.

You know, the lady said that students should use

their, you know, connections in the industry.

So, I'm starting from the bottom.

You know, like that rapper sings.

Who's that guy? The Canadian wheelchair guy

who dated Nicole "Mirage"?

- Drake. - Yes.

- Drake, Mom, and that's crazy.

It's one thing to take a class to keep busy,

but you can't embark on a giant new career

at your age. - Why?

It's my dream.

[church organ playing]

- If you have a dream, you must go after it,

not next year, not next week, now.

Now, Carol!

all: Amen!

- What? No, Father Kevin was talking to me.

And since when has it been your dream to work in the news?

- Since always!

But then I met your father and quit my job to raise you.

- M'kay, Mom, you do not want to be an intern.

It is boring and thankless.

- Boring and thankless? I was a mom for 30 years.

I cleaned barf out of the tape deck

of a Teddy Ruxpin.

- Well, I'm sorry, Mom,

because we already filled that internship opening.

- She's lying. I'd be happy

to accept your application, young lady.

- Oh.

[upbeat music]

- What are you doing?

- Hiring your mother as our intern.

- Look, I get that you're mad

that I went over your head with Chuck, okay,

but this is not the way to get back at me.

You know what you could do?

Spread a rumor that I'm an alcoholic.

Ooh, or slut-shame me.

- This has nothing to do with you.

If I hire an "Old" as an intern,

it'll finally get Chuck off my back.

Whenever he yells about ageism I can just point to this "Old."

- Oh, your ring is so big. Did he cheat?

- Mom-- - No, but if he does,

I have just the thing picked out.

[both laughing]

Katie, I didn't know your mom lives,

like, ten minutes from here.

Why don't you just move in with her?

- Yeah, that's what I always say.

- Hi, I'm the Executive Producer.

- Oh, you must be Greg. He's not that tiny.

- Okay, good interview. You're hired.

- W-what? - When can you start?

- How about today?

- Perfect.

- Oh, I love this man.

[whispering] You should date him.

- Mom!

- Job's pretty simple,

except you do have to be careful around Chuck.

- Why? Is he handsy with the girls?

I don't mind.

- No, but he loves to fire interns.

- Oh. Well, I get along with everybody.

- Chuck gets his lunch at 1:00, he gets his snack at 2:30,

at 3:00 he takes his nap so his snack must arrive

at 2:30. Got it?

- Yes. - Say it back to me.

- Oh, then no.

- Okay, start with this guy in the kayak

going past a submerged car right there.

- Hi, Pumpkin. - Hi.

- You must be Justin.

- Oh, hi. - Hello.

I think he smells fine.

- Mom, do you need something?

'Cause we're kind of on a deadline.

- Oh, of course. Oh, for your big story.

- Yeah. - Oh, it's just too bad

it has to be about a hurricane.

- Why is that too bad?

- The news is always scaring people about the weather.

They say a hurricane's coming, then nothing happens.

Now, why did I come in here?

Oh, God, okay, I walked in, I sat down--

Ugh, God, what is it?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh--

okay, yes. Honey,

is your work email password

the same as your regular email password?

- It is the same, but don't say it out loud.

- So it's "teamedward," all lowercase?

- Mm-hmm. - Okay, thank you.

- Yup.

Oh, my God, I can't believe she's working here.

- I can't believe you let your mother have

your email password.

- I mean, at least I used to have work as an escape,

you know, but now there's, like, no boundaries.

She's just gonna be on top of me every single day!

- Listen, this problem will solve itself.

Have you ever seen my super edit of Chuck firing interns?

- Why am I sweating so much? You're fired!

That's eye contact. You're fired.

My ex-wife has that sweater. You're fired.

You're fired. Fired! Fired!

[clatter] Who put that there? You're fired!

Is this a tour or can I fire them?

Who's the old guy? You're fired!

- Chuck, that's a mirror.

Then smash it!

Wheelchair, you're fi--

- See? No intern's ever lasted more than a couple weeks.

- Yeah.

- Katie, did you need a file called

"Hurricane Research, important"? 'Cause it just disappeared.

Oh, I just spoke with Greg, he is single,

so I invited him to your cousin Tami's wedding.

Do you think he'll need his own hotel room

or can he just share a bed with Dad?

- Can you go to the post office? I need some stamps.

- Oh. No, I can't. No time.

Gotta get Chuck his snack at 2:30.

- No, um, Chuck takes his nap at 2:30.

He gets his snack at 3:00.

- Oh, right.

It's hard to remember things when you're a woman my age.

Plus Alzheimer's and insanity do run in our family. Okay!

- Oh, my God. I just lied to my mom to get her fired.

Please don't judge me.

- Bad news, Wendelson.

Your hurricane just got downgraded.

- What? - A Category Two

isn't gonna make much of a lead.

- Oh, no, I'm still the lead. I'm gonna fix this.

- Then you better find a way to change the weather.

[dramatic music]

*

- Oh! [laughs]

Hey, Beth, you preparing for an earthquake? [laughs]

- The mega-quake isn't until 2018,

and you won't be laughing then. I dropped a raisin.

- Oh. Do you have any contacts at the National Weather Service?

I'm trying to get a tropical storm

upgraded back to a hurricane.

- Oh, sure thing. I can call Bernie in Storm Designations.

- Oh, really? - No!

There's no Bernie in Storm Designations.

There's a Barney in Weather Event Classifications,

but I'm not calling him. - Why not?

- You can't re-categorize a storm for no reason.

Unless you want to get called before an Ethics Tribunal

at the Barometric Castle in St. Paul!

Is that what you want?

[dramatic music]

- How did your rain dance go?

- Can't talk right now. I got a lot of work to do

and it's almost 2:30.

- Where's my snack?

- Oh, God.

- I'm supposed to have my snack at 2:30!

- Katie. Stamps.

Who's yelling like that? Sounds like the Pathmark by me

that's all Hispanic now.

- It's Chuck, about his snack.

- What?

You told me he got his snack at 3:00.

- I'm so mad I could spit bullets!

- I--did I? I--

- All right, who screwed this up?

Who's the intern?

- Uh-- Mr. Pierce, I can explain.

- Are you the intern? - No, Katie Wendelson.

Segment Producer? I held your hand

while you passed your kidney stones?

- It's okay, dear. Hi.

- Hi. - I'm Carol.

- Hi. - I'm the intern.

- But you're, uh--

Carol, we have a schedule.

- I know. - And when people disrespect

that schedule, they disrespect me.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Well, Carol,

I've been in this business for 30 years,

and I will not be disrespected!

I was on the ground in Kosovo! I shot a flaming arrow

at Mike Wallace's Viking funeral!

And another thing--

- Jeez Louise, calm down!

You're a graying old man,

you're throwing a tantrum about a snack.

The world's not gonna end if you don't get

your little pizza bagel, which you don't need by the way.

You hold your weight in your belly, and that is

heart attack city according to "Good Housekeeping."

Okay? I mean, you're not like that, um--

Oh, gosh, who was that actor who died?

You know, mob show? Come on, think.

- Uh, Marlon Brando?

- No, no, no, he was in that movie I like

with Old Christine. Come on, you know it!

- James Gandolfini.

- Yes. - James Gandolfini.

- Yes. Yes. - It's James Gandolfini.

- You're not like him, Chuck, but you could be.

Take care of yourself and stop getting so mad!

Okay, go to your office.

- Oh, all right. Okay.

- That's right. I'll make you a bowl of popcorn, okay?

- Okay. - Go, go.

- Did I tell you the wrong time?

- Nice try, Pumpkin.

I can always tell when you're lying.

- That was amazing.

You got Chuck to do what you wanted.

Can I...kiss you?

- I don't think I can do this internship.

- Wait. Mom, come on.

- No, really, I've been running around all day long,

and I am exhausted.

You're right, Pumpkin, I'm too old for this.

Goodbye, everyone!

Thank you for the opportunity.

Kathryn.

[dramatic music]

[Steely Dan's "Reeling In The Years" playing]

- * Are you reeling in the years? *

[music stops]

- Could you hear my psych-up music?

- Um, yes.

- Pretty fresh beat, huh?

Well, let me blow your mind. That song is 40 years old.

- Okay. Um, they need you for run-through.

- No. I have to speak to that mature intern first.

Can you send her in?

- Um, sir? Sir? Uh, she quit.

- Well, get her back here,

or you and the other interns are fired!

- I'm--not an intern.

- What the hell was that? - I'm on it, Greg.

- Yeah, you better be on it, or else you'll be on Craigslist

selling your body for rent money!

Sorry, that was too rough.

You know what? Coffee. Coffee run on me.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

- Oh. Mom, why didn't you answer your phone?

- I don't have to. You're not my boss anymore.

- Okay, Chuck says he needs to talk to you.

- Oh, so you only came here because you need my help.

- No, no. I'm very sorry that I tried to get you fired, okay?

- I gave up everything for you, and now I just want

a little dream for myself and you won't let me have it.

- But Mom, why can't you get a different little dream?

Why do you have to horn in on mine?

- Oh! - Hi, Honey.

I'm just gonna close the den door

so I can read my magazine. - [sighs]

- Mom, work is hard enough without you there, okay?

I have nothing for my lead hurricane segment.

And Greg and everybody else there thinks that I suck,

and the worst part is, they are probably right.

- Oh, you do not suck. You're great.

You've always been great.

Look at this shrine.

You were the smartest kid, and a track star.

And you were amazing in "Les Mis" as Dock Whore.

- Mom, do you remember how I got on the track team?

I didn't make it and then you went to the coach

and you forced him to let me on.

You have always interfered.

I can never do anything on my own!

- And then what happened next? Who won these trophies?

I got you on the team, but I didn't run the race for you,

did I, dum-dum?

- I guess I did do the running.

You just made me believe that I could.

- And you can do this too.

You are a good little journalist!

- Yeah, you're right.

And a good journalist knows when to scrap their story!

- [gasps]

Am I supposed to follow you?

- Mom, yeah.

- Oh.

[energetic music]

- Whew. I'm scrapping the lead!

- What? But I just sent you

to return henceforth with the "Old."

- Justin, get me clips of workers in their 60s.

- I'm on it!

- Amy, get that econ professor from NYU on the phone.

Brenda, I need stats on baby boomers

re-entering the workforce.

- My name is not Brenda. - Copy that.

Story's not about a hurricane anymore.

It's about a tsunami.

- What are you doing?

- A good journalist always knows when to scrap their lead

if a better one comes along, right?

- What? - That's--you--

Greg, you said that. - No, I didn't.

- Verbatim, you said that to me. - When?

- Yesterday. - Why are we even talking

about this? The show is in 20 minutes!

- It's in 20 minutes? 20? 2-0, great.

- Carol. - Yes.

- Earlier, you called me a "graying old man."

- I'm sorry. I have no filter.

I've ruined dozens of surprise parties.

- No, no, no, I want to know if it's true.

Does my hair look gray on camera?

It's just that...

[whispering] nobody around here tells me the truth.

- Your hair does look gray.

- Thank you, Carol.

- And also, Chuck, when you wear a green tie,

you look exactly like a leprechaun.

It's because of your ears, they're very po--

- Baby steps, Carol, baby steps.

- Live from Secaucus, New Jersey,

this is "The Breakdown" with Chuck Pierce...

- The lead is changing! Guys, the lead is changing,

okay? The package is on B.

Chuck, there's new copy in your prompter.

- Good evening. Tonight we take a look

at the so-called "Silver Tsunami,"

America's surplus of baby boomers

and their predicted drain on Social Security

when they retire.

But as more older Americans choose

to re-enter the workforce,

the future of our economy seems brighter than ever.

[upbeat music]

Proving that seniority does count for something, Greg.

I mean, Portia.

- Thanks, Chuck. Coming up,

is there a silent killer hiding in your family's handguns?

That's when we return. - And, we're clear.

- Ooh.

- Good job, little one.

On to the next crisis, who's gonna tell Chuck

with that hair he looks like Ronald McDonald?

- Handling Chuck sounds like a job for my mom.

It's too bad that she quit.

- Yeah, it really is.

She could have talked him into so many things.

- Hey, if you really want her back,

I'm willing to negotiate.

- What are your terms?

- I convince my mom to come back and be our intern,

and you let me do one lead story every week.

- Done. Oh! I thought you were gonna

ask for a raise, which I would've given you.

- No. - Idiot.

- Damn it.

You know what? No. Baby steps, baby steps.

[sighs]

[phone ringing]

- Hey, Pumpkin. The show was great.

I loved the story you did about me.

And what'd you think of Chuck's hair?

Zazzy, right?

- It's real zazzy, yeah.

Um, listen, Mom,

I think you should come back and be our intern.

- I don't know, Katie. Having me around

is a big sacrifice. I can't do that to you.

I've already given you genes for hairy arms and scoliosis.

- It's not a sacrifice, Mom.

You make me believe in myself.

And I-I need you. [chuckles]

- Aw, really?

I don't know, Katie. I have to think about it, okay?

- Okay, Mom.

- Just kidding! - [gasps]

- I'm in! We're coworkers!

[both laughing]

Oh, I can't come in tomorrow.

Two gays from my soap are getting married.

- Why is this commercial break taking so long?

[The Supremes' "Baby Love"]

Where's Carol? Get me Carol.

- They need me on the floor.

- Carol? - Yeah, can we get Carol?

- Wrong way, Mom!

- Carol here? Is she in the building?

- Carol! - Carol!