All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S09E20.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-MIXED.en

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
my mom was a well-established
pain in the ass at school.

No one was safe...

Earl... Earl... Earl...

Unacceptable, Earl.

...especially
Principal Earl Ball.

From complaints
to rants to questions
and suggestions...

Oh, crap,
she's already here!

...for my mom,
Ball's door was
always open.

- Knock-knock!
- Whoa!

Saying "knock-knock"
is not the same

as actually knocking
and giving a person time

to hide under his desk.

I have important
Quaker Warden
business, Earl.

- Uh-huh.
- What do you see in this Polaroid?

A urinal.

This is the urinal
from the third-floor
boys' room.

And there is a giant chip
in the porcelain.

How long have you been
photographing our urinals?

Our boys are princes.

Do you really expect
them to make pishy
on chipped porcelain?

Which answer
ends this conversation?

None of them do.
And in anticipation
of your question,

"Where are we gonna
get the money

"for a school-wide
urinal reglazing?",

the answer is simple.

Take it out of
Mrs. Montag's salary.

The Latin teacher.

That language is dead.
And let's face it,

it's only
a matter of months

before Montag
jumps in the grave
with it.

You raise
an important point

which merits
careful consideration.

Be right back.

Goldberg.

Aah! You have
light footsteps.

It's come to my attention
that you would like to use

the school's fancy,
new Avid editing machine?

And how!

I'm completely underwater

editing my new
Blade Runner spoof.

I call it
Blade Walker.

But it's still
over three hours,

and the test audience,
Dave Kim, is not having it.

None of that
interests me
in the least.

But... Here.[KEYS JINGLING]

Keys to the
editing suite.

Bless your
administrative heart.

But there is a certain
quid pro quo involved.

Oh, I don't know
any Latin.

Mrs. Montag pretty much sleeps
through the entire class.

Someone should
check on her.

What I'm saying is,
I need to know

what your mother
plans to do
after you graduate.

Power walks, annoy people,
argue with shop clerks.

More of the same,
I guess.

I meant job-wise.

She hasn't said anything
about next year.

But I guess
I could find out.

I need you to press
your sweaty little thumb
on the scale

and push really hard
toward her leaving.

You think I actually
have influence over
what she does?

Well, I imagine
you will find a way.

There you are, Earl.

You left me hanging
in your office.

Apologies.

I was just having a chat
with your multitalented son.

Yep. Principal Ball
was just giving me the keys

to the new
Avid suite.

No, no.
I will you give you them
after you accomplish

the task which you have
promised to do for me.

I think you should
give me the keys

to incentivize me
to do the task.

- That's not gonna happen.
- First keys, then task.

No, no! First task,
then keys!

My actual son
and my work husband
have such a fun vibe.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was
a Sunday night,
1980-something,

which for Erica and Geoff

meant Chinese food
at the Schwartzes'.

Who's ready for
- Sunday Chow Fun Day?
- BARRY: Ha!

One of the days
of the week

rhymes with
an Asian noodle dish.

- My dad's hilarious.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, watch out,
Eddie Murphy.

Someone's looking to fill
your red leather suit.

[LAUGHTER]

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, for Erica,
Sunday nights felt like
a whole lot of the same,

from Linda's
fawning over Geoff...

Congratulations, Erica.
You won the husband lottery!

[LAUGHTER]

...to Lou's corny jokes...

"Help! I'm a prisoner in
a fortune-cookie factory!"

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, Lou, you are terrible.

Yes, he is.

...and the menu choices
that weren't for everyone.

Erica, sweet-and-sour
turkey neck?

I'm good. I had a couple
of necks for lunch.

Neck me, Lou.
It's the chewiest part
of the head.

And like clockwork,

at exactly
whenever they felt like it,

Barry and Joanne
would take off.

Well, this has been a treat,

but now I'm full and bored,

so we're outtie.

Time to go watch
21 Jump Street.

It's about ridiculously
handsome undercover cops

investigating crimes
in high schools.

It seems like that wouldn't be

enough to fill out a series.

Oh, for sure.[CLICKS TONGUE] Ta!

Hold up. Why do
they get to leave?

I think of it more
like we get to stay.

Sometimes, I don't know
who the lucky ones are.

I think I have a good idea.

Finally,
Erica's least-favorite
part of the night...

Geoffrey,
would you mind?

We've got quite
the Sonny-do list
this week.

...the chores,

which Lou and Linda
would always pile on Geoff.

"Replace batteries
in smoke detectors.

"Program VCR.
Refill humidifier.

"Empty dehumidifier."

Hey, what do you say
we put the humidifier
and the dehumidifier

in the same room
and let them
fight it out?

[LAUGHTER]

Well, fans of that joke

will have next week
to look forward to

and last week
to look back on.

To put it mildly,
Erica's Sunday was
in no way a fun day.

Wasn't that
such a delight?

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

I don't enjoy Sunday night
- at your parents'.
- Wha?

It's the same, exact thing
every single week.

Yeah, because
it's tradition.

Geoff, we're married now.

We can start
a new tradition...

Of never doing your parents'
Sunday-night thing again.

Never again?

Come on. We can
snuggle up and order in.

Oh, we can watch Jump Street.

I mean,
I guess I do enjoy

Johnny Depp's
whole undercover vibe.

He carries a gun
and a backpack.

There you go.
You like what you like,

and I like no more
lame-ass Sundays.

What? Jump Street.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica
was putting the brakes
on Sunday dinner,

it was time for me
to try to steer my mom
toward retirement.

Nice new sedan, Jackie.

Kudos to your
divorce lawyer.

Come on, Theresa.

I wouldn't be in a hurry

to pick up your twins either,

but I need you moving forward.

Mom, can I talk to you?

Make it quick.
I'm helping others.

Move it!

Apropos of nothing,

I was wondering if
you're gonna retire
next year?

Why would I do that?
I'm the Quaker Warden,

entrusted with promoting
kindness and family values.

Slow the [BLEEP] down,
Candace!

Anyway, what would
Earl do without me?

Oh, I think he'd find
a way to soldier on.[TIRES SCREECH]

Where's this coming
from, schmoo?[HORN HONKS]

I just want you to have
a fulfilling life.

I've had
a great career here.

I'm excited
for New York.

Maybe there's
a new chapter
for you, too.

Think about it.

Huh.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
I got my mom's mind
racing about her future.

Meanwhile, Geoff's
bad news to his parents

stopped them
dead in their tracks.

You're boycotting
Sunday Chow Fun Day?

He didn't say the word
"boycotting," Lou.

Thank you, Mom.

He just said that
he doesn't love us anymore.

What? No!

It's just now that
Erica and I are married,

we've decided to spend
our Sunday nights together.

Oh, well,
that makes sense.

Of course it does.
This guy gets it.

Well, try to keep in touch.

Dad, it's not like
I'm never gonna
see you again.

Geoffrey,
please don't explain.

You're a married man.

You've got to do
what you've got to do.

- Preach, Louie.
- But I'll still come by all the time.

I can still do the chores.

No need.
Your father and I
can figure out

how to change the batteries
in the smoke detectors.

Or if we can't,
I guess we'll find out
the hard way.

Well, enjoy
your Sunday nights

and, you know,
the rest of your lives.

Samesies. All right,
uh, let's hit it, Geoff.

Be gone, Geoffrey!
The sooner you go,

the sooner your mother and I
can start the healing.

It's okay, sweetheart.

Our spark may be out,
but our bodies live on.

All right, I'm gonna
pull the car around.

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff
felt the sting
of ditching his parents,

school was buzzing with
a mystery announcement.

Any idea what
the assembly's about?

Probably something about

how only we
can prevent forest fires.

It feels like there
has to be someone
more responsible.

[FEEDBACK]

Treasured students,

distinguished faculty, Brea...

Hard not to feel
singled out by that.

...as your Quaker Warden,
we have laughed together,

cried together,

and grown together.

But as all good things
must to come an end,

so, too, must this.

Where is this going?

Which is why the end
of this academic year

will mark the end of my tenure
as your Quaker Warden.

WOODBURN: Am I dreaming?

I don't think I'm dreaming,
'cause I'm not naked.

Sadly, Dale,
it's not a dream.

Hit it, kids.

♪ I guess I thought
you'd be here forever

♪ Another illusion
I chose to create

♪ You don't know
what you've got

♪ Until it's gone

♪ And I found out

♪ A little too late

♪ Now, being without you

♪ Takes a lot
of getting used to

♪ Should learn
to live with it

♪ But I don't want to

CHOIR:
♪ Being without you

♪ Is all a big mistake

♪ Instead of getting easier

♪ It's the hardest thing
to take

♪ I'm addicted to you, babe

[CRYING]
♪ You're a hard habit
to break ♪

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

I want to thank you all
for giving me the opportunity
to serve you,

especially
my partner in crime,
Principal Earl Ball.

Look at him smiling
bravely over there.

Stay strong, Earl.

Will do.

Now, I've earmarked
the next hour for
a retrospective Q&A.

I have a "Q."

What are you gonna do now
that you're leaving us

high and,
if I might add, dry?

Well, John, I've decided
to take my talents
to New York City.

What talents
are those, exactly?

My parenting talents.

I am gonna follow Adam to NYU.

What's that, now?

She said she's
going to NYU,

where I'm also going.

This suddenly affects me.

Actually, it was Adam's idea
for me to join him.

That was not
at all my idea.

He said, "Mama,

"let's go write
our next chapter
together in New York."

Those were neither my words
nor my intention.

Any other questions?

Yeah, mine's not so much
a question as a comment.

This is the happiest day
of my teaching career.

[LAUGHING] Oh!
Too much, Dale.

Oh, thank you
for adding levity
to a difficult time.

And thank you, schmoo.

This is all because of you.

Assembly dismissed.

Big thanks, Goldberg.

Happy editing.

ADULT ADAM: My mom's decision
to retire from William Penn

and join me at NYU
was my fault.

All I could do
was try to fix it.

Ball, I need you
to convince my mom

to stay here
as Quaker Warden.

Here's the thing. No.

I'm in real trouble
here, man!

Me too. Do I look
like I need more
social impediments?

Those sound like
Dave Kim problems.

But you're our principal.

Aren't you supposed to care
about our experience?

You would think.

But I got to tell you,

news of your mom leaving has
put a real bounce in my step.

And look!

Are you actually
regrowing hair?

Y-Yes!
And it's not just me.

Take a look.
What do you see?

Mr. Woodburn is doing
a one-man conga line.

Ms. Hooper
found a hula-hoop.

And Helen, the cafeteria lady,

is working
a margarita machine.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]
It's Cinco de Mayo somewhere.

It really isn't.

I did you a solid,

and now my college experience
is gonna eat turds.

I probably won't
even go anymore.

I'll just join my cousin
selling junk bonds.

Sure, I'll have
a white leather couch

and a doorman
that high-fives me

and says,
"D.K. in the house!"

But it's not college!

Sorry. Deal's a deal.

Margarita me, Helen.

Hey!

Come on, Dave Kim.
I think I have an idea.

ADULT ADAM: While I had
a plan for how to

get my mom
off our collegiate backs,

Erica and Geoff were enjoying
a Sunday night with no plans.

Do you think the people
at 22 Jump Street suspect

that they live next
to a bunch of undercover
high-school cops?

Well, actually,
22 Jump Street would be
across the street,

not next door,
because it's an
even number.

Why so sullen? We're living
the Sunday-night dream.

I know. It's just...

This is the first time
I can remember

not spending Sunday night
with my parents.

You say that
like it's a bad thing.

I miss my dad's
fortune-cookie jokes.

But by this time,
you'd be refilling
ice trays.

Do you really
miss that?

And, besides,
Barry's doing
that stuff now.

I guess you're right.

I mean,
they're in good hands.

They're in the best hands.

ADULT ADAM: That may
not have been exactly true.

Lou, I'm full of duck
and ready to rock.

Give me that
list of yours.

You know, I can
probably hunker down
and do this all myself.

- Nonsense, Lou.
- No.

Your game is eyeballs.

Mine is dominating
your lame to-do list.

Now, someone grab me
a pair of pliers,

a random number
of batteries
of any size,

and a leftover leg
of that Peking duck.

I thought you said
you were full.

I was Linda,
but when I stood up,

the food in me shifted
and created more room.

I'm like a suitcase
that way.

Yeah, you are.

ADULT ADAM:
While Barry geared up
to step in for Geoff,

the teachers had stepped up
and thrown my mom
a going-away party.

Beverly, it's with
a heavy heart

and an inadequate knife

that I attempt to
cut this ice-cream cake

that Helen was supposed to
remove from the freezer

an hour ago.

I'm also supposed
to change out the chili
from week to week.

What can you do?[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Mama, I made
a little video
for this occasion.

Raise your hand
if you're tired of this
kid's videos already.

I don't have to be nice
- to you anymore.
- You were nice to me?

Anyway, Principal Ball,

I think you'll see
I put the new editing
equipment to good use.

Oh, no.

You have an inner calm
which suggests

you've regained
the upper hand.

Let's find out.
Dave Kim, lights.

ADULT ADAM: What Ball
didn't count on

was that I'd make a video
so emotionally manipulative,

it would make my mom
never want to leave.

I'm John Glascott.

I'm gutted, because, soon,

the sun will
go down on my place
of employment forever.

Our Quaker Warden is like
bumpers in a bowling alley.

She keeps you
from ending up
in the gutter,

where I was
no doubt headed.

I feel sorry for
the hundreds of kids

who have to
walk these halls

without Beverly's
loving support.

Adam, this is[BLEEP].

We also share a small patch in
the community garden together,

although I do
the majority of the work,
and her carrots are dead.

Students, you will always
cherish the time
you spent with...

...Beverly Goldberg.

Thank you, Beverly,
for all you've given us.

[CRYING]

[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

Wow.

It's almost like I died.

You didn't die, Mama.

The school did.

Isn't that right,
Dave Kim?

I lowered the flag
to half-mast.

It was difficult,
'cause I'm not good
with ropes.

Luckily, one child, me,

gets to continue
to have you in their life,

instead of thousands.

But a choice has been made,
and there's probably
no way to reverse it, right?

Nope. I guess
it makes the most sense

to leave
all the innocent children

in these deeply flawed
people's hands.

Damn it, I'm sorry.
Adam, I can't.

- I'm staying here.
- What?

- Why?
- Hot dog!

Look, I know
you're shocked,
and so am I,

but how can I leave
after seeing how much
I mean to this place?

[SQUEALS]

[LAUGHTER]

And that's
how you do that.

You are not gonna
get away with this.

I think I already did.

ADULT ADAM:
As I regained the upper hand
and got my mom to stay,

Lou's to-do list
was in good hands,
thanks to Barry.

Sorta.

It's fall ahead,
spring behind, right?

I don't know clocks.
I get up when I'm hungry.

I've never been
more confident about
a 50/50 guess in my life.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

ADULT ADAM: Next was
"change batteries
in smoke detectors."

Are you sure
that's a new battery?

[SMOKE DETECTOR CHIRPING]
Define "sure" and "new."

I only ask
because it's beeping.

[CHIRP]
That's the sound of it

detecting
you're a smoke show.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Aw!

ADULT ADAM: And then
"fix Lou's reading glasses."

Finally,
"change light bulb
in fridge."

Why does he need a new bulb?
I can see in here just fine.

Whoa!

They're bananas-in-the-fridge
people.

Okay.

ADULT ADAM: With that,
the list was complete...

End of story.

Or was it?

I'm hardly tired,

but I guess the clock
doesn't lie.

ADULT ADAM: Because the clock
had been adjusted wrong...

[GROANS] ...Lou accidentally went
to bed earlier than usual.

That meant the usually
heavy-sleeping Lou

was fully awakened...[CHIRP]

...by the beeping
of the smoke detector.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

After changing
the battery himself,

Lou was pretty worked up.

So he thought he'd wind down

with a little
nighttime reading.

Spin your saucy yarn,
Jackie Collins.

But there was
no Jackie Collins
with busted glasses.

So instead of reading,
Lou grabbed a beverage
from the pitch-black fridge.

What the...
Can't see a darned...

Oh, no! Whoa![THUD]

Linda!

Lou!

I can't find
my Jackie Collins
book anywhere.

Other bad things
have happened tonight, Linda!

ADULT ADAM: After my mom
announced she was staying on
as Quaker Warden,

Principal Ball had an
announcement of his own.

In light of recent events,
I have decided,

at the end
of this school year,

I will be stepping down
as your principal.

Say it ain't so.
Are you leaving
because of me?

I can do better.

This is just like my parents'
divorce last week.

I've been doing
a lot of reflecting.

Yesterday, I saw
a butterfly land
on a daffodil,

and in that moment
of profound beauty,

I realized,

life is too short
for this crap.

Anyway, assembly dismissed.

Assembly un-dismissed.
I, too, have an announcement.

Oh, no.

The recent announcement
by my colleague,

Principal Ball,

uh, has made
me realize

that without him
by my side,

I have no purpose here.

So I, too, am stepping down.

[STUDENTS MURMURING]

Seems weird all of this is
playing out in front of us.

In light of the
Quaker Warden's

even-more-recent
announcement
of her departure,

I would like to announce
that I have reconsidered

and I will be staying on
as your principal.

Ugh! I've seen
pretzel factories
with fewer twists.

Don't they have
staff meetings or...[FEEDBACK]

Uh, but you just said
life was too short.

But... But I re-re-considered.

And... And the butterfly
and the daffodil... Big yawn.

Life is exactly
the right length.

Well, then I'm staying,
too. Ha ha!

Then I'm going.

I don't think she's getting
what he's doing here.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey, look at that. She got it.

You don't want to leave.

You just want to be
wherever I'm not!

How can I convey this?
Totally.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
it was clear.

Neither my mom
nor Principal Ball
really wanted to leave,

and I had to be the one
to remind them why.

Wait!

It's true, I wanted
independence at college.

But, Principal Ball,
you don't really want
my mom to leave.

It feels like
that is what I want.

No! I think, deep down,
you have affection for her.

And you share
the same goal,

making sure every kid
who passes through this place

gets the very best
they deserve.

I suppose.

But she just
makes it so darn
difficult sometimes.

But all of you have benefited
from having her here,

from the shiny, new urinals

to safer parking lots

to teachers
who care deeply.

She's made this school,
and you, better.

Well, she did fight
for me to win

the Educator of
the Year Award,

which is usually
just a beauty contest.

And she always
checks the dates
on the cans I open.

I mean, who does that?

She got me chalk
when I asked
you for chalk

and you said to go to
the "chalk-o-late factory,"

but you didn't really tell me
where the chalk was.

[LAUGHING] Yeah.
Oh, just come back
to me later.

You know I'm
your biggest champion.

PRINCIPAL BALL: Enough!

I will meet you halfway.

Will you just
back off a tad?

No.

No?

If I do, then the kids
won't get what they need.

Damn it! Fine.

I guess we can both stay.

[GASPS] Ahh!

Oh, you want me!
You really want me!

Best assembly ever.

ADULT ADAM: As two
important pieces

of the William Penn puzzle
came together,

Geoff was left
to pick up the pieces.

- Dad, are you okay?
- He's fine.

Just a headache and a pretty
good bump on the pumpkin.

I'm so sorry
this happened to you, Lou.

You should be.
This is on you.

Excuse me?

None of this
would have happened

if you hadn't made
such a big deal

about doing our own
Sunday-night thing.

I like being
with my parents.

I even like
doing their chores.

In your face, Erica.

But it's also
on both of you.

What are you saying?

I love you guys so much,
but sometimes,

you take advantage of me.

Now whose face
is it in?

I suppose
we do take advantage,

but it's just that
we love spending time

with our sweet boy.

We all do.

[BELINDA CARLISLE'S
MAD ABOUT YOU PLAYS]

Look, there's no reason
that we can't compromise.

Some Sunday nights
we'll be at home,
and some, we'll be here.

And you're okay
with that?

If it's with you, definitely.

Can we watch something
besides Geoff just doing
chores?

What else
do you have in mind?

We'll think of something... Together.

♪ I'm mad about you...

ADULT ADAM: Marriage
is a push and a pull,

just like all relationships.

But if you and the important
people in your life

remember that you want
the same things...

♪ Mad about you...

...you'll always feel
like you're in
the right place.

What are you?
Morton Downey?

Are we supposed
to believe those adult
gentlemen are boys?

- Yep.
- Yep.

I love it![LAUGHTER]

♪ You and I

♪ Something 'bout you ♪

There they are.

We just came to
give you our laundry.
Extra softener.

I like my towels buttery.

I heard you've been

spending Sundays
with the Schwartzes.

And I wanted
to grab a day,

so say hello to Tuesdays
with my Schmoos Day.

Ooh! What fun wordplay.

And by the heat of Erica's
glare, I'm disengaging now.

Then it's Momtober Fest,

a 31-day celebration
of my affection for you.

I'm gonna be out of town
all of Momtober.

What?[CLEARS THROAT] Yeah.

You can't say no
to Friday Fry Day,

where I will deep-fry
anything you want.

- Hear my word. No.
- Even vegetables?