All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S09E18.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-MIXED.en

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s,
everyone was getting physical.

Walks were powered,
bodies were Jaked,

and Richard Simmons made sure
oldies were sweated to.

No one liked moving their body
more than my mom.

(GASPS) Thank you,
Richard Simmons.

Your naggy nudginess continues
to challenge and inspire.

Is it weird that it's his job
to constantly work out,

but yet his body looks like
mine after Thanksgiving?

He is ripped and shredded
with enthusiasm.

You're just defending him
because you share the same
tank-top glitter-er.

I wish. All my sparkle
comes from these hands.

And that smile.

(CHUCKLES)
I have an adult friend!

Who's ready
for the best news
in the world?

Did Giuseppe's
change their policy

and are now accepting
parties of one?

New Year's Eve,
here I come.

No, and wow.

The actual good news
is that P.E. was cancelled

for the rest
of senior year.

We would high-five,
but that would require

a level of dexterity
we're no longer
interested in achieving.

Squishy, you need to
continue to mold

your perfectly formed
child's body

into the sculpted adult statue
it's destined to become!

No, no, no, I don't!

Coach Mellor popped
a massive hernia

lifting the front end
of a Pontiac Sunbird.

Was he trying
to save a child?

Apparently, he was trying
to impress a child.

Been there.
The giant hole in his insides

means he's out
for the rest of the year,

and Principal Ball decided
it's not worth replacing him.

So P.E. has turned
into rest hour.

No pain, much gain!

Principal Ball made
that kind of decision
without consulting me?

I'm his right hand.
I'm the Hooch to his Turner.

This is wholly unacceptable.

And yet,
we're all accepting it
without reflection.

At the holiday party,
Principal Ball told me
that he valued my input.

But then
he called me Dennis.

No child of mine
is gonna sit around
and become a lazy lump.

Don't bother.
He's pretty dug in.

He tried to make me
carry him home.

No, I asked you
to pull me home
in a red wagon.

Your version
makes me look bad.

I'm always pestering Ball
every waking hour

to keep me involved.

Is it possible he's not
responding to that?

Exercise is the heartbeat
of the Goldberg family!

Please, Dad stops and sits
on the way from the couch

to the fridge
to break up the trip.

You are not gonna become
your dear but inert father.

John, cue Richard.

You're needed again,
tireless curly-haired oddball.

Left, left and right.
Nope, not gonna happen.

Gaah! Leave me alone!

We're moving!
Dave Kim, look away!

Not a chance.

No hustle, no muscle!
Knees up!
Whoo!

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was April 13th,
1980-something,

and Barry was
on top of the world,

as was his best friend
and new brother-in-law, Geoff.

There's my bro!

There's my bro!

Isn't it so cool now that
I'm married to your sister,

when I call you "bro,"
it's, like, a fact?

Totally! I used to
toss around "bro"

like it meant nothing.

Like when someone
gets mad at you

for cutting them
off in traffic,

"Enh! The hell, bro?"

Or like when it's a guy
you kinda know,

even slept at his house
once as a kid,

but you can't remember
if his name is Greg or Craig?

"Hey, bro!"

No more.

I hereby declare "bro"
a sacred term

reserved for our
special brotherhood.

And I will always
honor that, bro.

Unless I run into
Greg/Craig.

His dad lent me boxers
to sleep in once.

I remember his name
was Dwayne.

I'd love to keep
bro'ing it up,
but I got a thing.

I got a thing, too, bro!
Bro you later?

Later, bro.

Wait. Are you
going left here?

Sure am.
Huh. Me too!

ADULT ADAM: But
the same direction

wasn't all these bros
had in common.

Suite 510?

Wait. Barry,
you weren't selected

as a finalist
for an internship

with renowned surgeon
Dr. Andrew Solit, were you?

How'd you guess?

Brothers know.
Brothers do know.

A summer with Dr. Solit
would look amazing

on a medical-school app.

I heard last year's interns

all got into
their first choice,

except one guy
who got caught

switching out urine samples
with his own.

What's the thrill there?

Coupla bros going for
the same internship.

Well, if you think about it,
bro, it's...

Great. So great...bro.

This is so not great.

Barry and I applied
for the same internship.

So? You'll definitely get it.

Why do you assume that?

I love my brother,
but you have better grades,

you're more
responsible, personable,
and you're super cute.

You really think
it's mine?

I know it, babe.

Look, I love my brother,
but you're smarter,

way more passionate
and alpha.

Plus, you're smoking hot
in a way that sneaks up
on you.

I do sneak up on you.

Although...
Although, what?

Barry's crazy competitive.

There's no way
he could handle
losing to you.

But Geoff is so...

Sensitive.
Like, emotionally fragile

in a way that's always
alarmed our parents,
neighbors, and rabbi.

If I won, it'd be like
the pudding incident
all over again.

We were freshmen.

There was one pudding left
in the cafeteria,

and we both reached for it
at the same time,

and, knowing how he'd react,
I let him have it.

I took what was mine.

With an air of emotional
and physical recklessness
that he couldn't deal with.

Oh, baby, no one can.

He then accuses me
of being selfish

'cause I brought my lunch
and he forgot his.

He didn't talk to me
for days.

Lunch has always been
Barry's favorite meal.

Right after breakfast, dinner,

and something he calls
"midnight madness."

Maybe things would be
different now.

'Cause we're brothers.

Like, real brothers.

It's by marriage,
which is meaningless,

but a bro is a bro.

He's lived
in your jacked shadow
your whole lives.

Maybe there's another
internship out there.

There's gotta be
another summer gig.

You're right.

I wouldn't wanna hurt Barry
for anything.

It's the right thing to do.
For family.

It's what you do for family.
Proud of you, babe.

I'm so proud of you, hon.

Let's celebrate with you
giving me a foot rub.

ADULT ADAM: As Geoff and Barry
made their minds up
about the summer internship,

my mom was determined
not to take the cancellation
of P.E. sitting down.

How could you, Earl?

This isn't some silly thing
that they're never gonna use
like Spanish.

This is physical education!

Oh. A meeting
with a concerned parent.

Was this on the books
or impromptu?

Either way, I'm here.
We can begin.

We've already begun.

Mrs. Goldberg wants us
to rethink the decision
to pull the plug on P.E.

GLASCOTT: I'll handle this.

Beverly, I'm so sorry.

Our personal relationship notwithstanding,

that ain't gon' happen.
(CHUCKLES)

See, you can
delegate to me.

A-And she's twisting my arm!
Literally!

Earl, as Quaker Warden,

I feel a sense
of responsibility

to send these kids
out into the world

with healthy habits
for life.

That's all great
and weird,

but we got
no P.E. teacher here.

Then I will personally teach
an exercise class.

You?
I was gonna say, "You?"

Based on my relentless input,

Aubrey, who teaches over at
Jenkintown Shape 'n' Sculpt,

has often asked,
"Uh, Beverly,

"would you like to
lead the class?"

Um, Beverly,
it's sadly naive of you

to think that you can
just saunter in here

and appoint yourself
to teach P.E.

You know what, Bev?

You've worn me down.
Go for it.

On the other hand,
we'll allow it just this once.

I'm gonna teach Jazzercise
to the lazy seniors. Whoo!

ADULT ADAM:
The only problem was,
my mom had no idea

just how lazy we'd become.

I never thought P.E.
was a class I'd actually
look forward to.

I know.

I finally found a good use
for a badminton racket.

Ahh.

This is why
we take the field.

Who's ready
to get physical?

Whoo!

Oh, balls.

Goldberg, why does your mom
look like Liza Minnelli
ready to take a jog?

Mother, a word?

Schmoo, I told you I was gonna
make you move your body.

She did say that
back at home.

We have a personal friendship
outside of these walls.

Anyway, I'm your new
P.E. teacher. Yay!

Are you kidding me?

I only have five weeks
left in school,

and my social runway's cleared
for a smooth landing.

And now this?

I just think
it's important

that children
remain active.

Well, I'm not doing it.

Okay. Well, then you're not
gonna get your P.E. credit,

and you're not
gonna graduate.

Fine. I'll give up
all my hopes and dreams

before I let
my demented mother

make me Jazzercise
with my friends.

Actually, I'm gonna call it
"School-ercise."

I don't care
what it's called.
I'm out.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go lay down

in the hammock I made out of
jump ropes and Nerf balls.

I guess it's over.
Oh, it is far from over.

That's too ominous
for a school setting
involving children,

but, hey, I'm along
for the ride.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom
wasn't gonna go down
without a fight,

Geoff was prepared
to give up his internship
to his number-one bro.

- Yo, Brobi-
- Wan Kenobi.

My man
Dominique Bro-ilkins.

Some work better
than others.

So, look,
I've been thinking.

About that internship
with Dr. Solit?

I don't think
I'm gonna do it.

Me neither.
You've got to.
You're a shoo-in.

If anyone's shoes are in,
it's you.

That's not
the expression.

Barry, there's no way
I could go for this thing

knowing that
you're up for it, too.

There's no way
I can go for it
knowing you are.

Aww.
So much aww.

So, what're we saying?
That I should do it?

Do it up. Totally.

By "do it up,"
does that mean
backing out

or not backing out?

It's backing out
of backing out.

And I insist, because now
the path is clear.

The path is clear?
Exactly.

For me?
Uh-huh. My pleasure.

What exactly
is your pleasure?

Clearing a path.
For you.

Oh. Okay.

Well, thanks. Anytime.

Have fun on your rocket ride,

and remember
to mention me in your speech
at the Medical Hall of Fame.

It's just,
I gotta ask, are...

Are you backing out because
you think you'd beat me?

What? No.

Well, not like beat beat,
but I think it's obvious
I'd have a slight edge.

An edge?
A slight huge edge.

Wait. Why were
you gonna back out?

Because I know
I'd get it.

Oh, you know?
Well, what if I got it?

Like how I got
the pudding?

I let you have
that pudding.

Or I took that pudding with
my indomitable will and brawn.

Or I knew that baby Barry
would throw a tantrum

if he didn't have
his Snack Pack.

Because I'm smarter
than you.
Oh, yeah?

How many fingers
am I holding behind my back?

Is it one
and it's the middle?

Mmpf! Don't care.

I'm still getting
that internship.

The hell you are,
because now
I'm not backing down.

Then it's on.
It's on like Donkey Kong.

Isn't Donkey Kong the loser
in that game?

Everyone's the hero
of their own story.

Dammit!
Find your own way
to storm off.

You find your own way
to storm off!

ADULT ADAM: As Barry and Geoff
were ready to go to war,

I was still riding high
on defeating my mom.

Or so I thought.

Gaah! I mean, "Gah."

Well, hello, Adam.
Or should I say pupil?
(CHUCKLES)

Because I am a teacher...

A teacher
of the physical arts.

No. You are nothing
because you have
no students to instruct.

Au contraire,
fruit of my 26-hour labor.

I have plenty
of eager bodies
to shape.

In fact, here comes
my star scholar now.

Ready for class.
Brea, what is this?

I'm School-ercising
with your mom.

How did she get to you?

It's our pantry, isn't it?

It's loaded,

and your mom hasn't
bought a bag of chips
in years.

We have chips.

Yeah, homemade banana chips.

That might as well be
deviled eggs.

Adam, I like P.E.
And aerobics seems fun.

That's why Mariel's
doing it, too.

I forgot
my workout clothes.

Is it cool
if I just wear my bikini?

Well, keep all the obvious
hot zones covered,
and we're good.

You thinking
what I'm thinking?

You know, I'd like to continue
my education in P.E., too.

All are welcome!

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, look, Adam,

all your peers
want to get physical
with your mama.

ADULT ADAM: Yeah,
there was no version
of that phrase

that brought me joy,
but to my horror,

with the popular kids
on board,

School-ercise was taking off.

We're gonna do
some pelvic loops, okay?

Pretend there's a crayon
tied to your hips,

and you're gonna
just do big circles.

This is the worst thing
that's ever happened
to anyone.

Not you, too,
Dave Kim?

Sorry. Mariel's here.
Dave Kim needs this.

Just go.
I never wasn't gonna.

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

Pretty soon, everyone
will be joining in.

Everyone.

ADULT ADAM: And by "everyone,"
she clearly meant me.

ADULT ADAM:
Geoff was determined

to win the internship
away from Barry.

Only one problem...
Geoff was Geoff.

Oh, thank goodness,
strawberry Quik.

I really need
to take the edge off.

Well, it's over now, baby.
The internship's Barry's.
What?

I'm the superior candidate.
You just said so yourself.

And you are.

But thinking about it,

Barry's got something
that you'll never have.

The irrational, aggressive
intensity of a lunatic.

But that's a bad thing.
Most of the time.

But this is a competition,

and the person who's willing
to be the boldest always wins.

That's not true.
Isn't it, though?

By the way,
I made a reservation
at Bombay Palace tonight.

What? You know I can't
eat Indian food.

Their spices are
too vibrant for me.

Sorry, bud,
Mama's in a hurry
for curry.

My neck is already sweaty,
but it is my husbandly duty.

And point made.

Oh, you were just
trying to prove

that I can't stand up
for myself?

You folded faster than
the laundry I make you do.

How do I win
this internship?

There's only one way,
- out-
- Barry Barry.

Done. I will be the most
irrational, confrontational,

not-so-nice fella
the world has ever known.

You're in the game, kid.

Yes! And even better,
I don't have to eat
Indian food.

Nah, grab your jacket.

That little scenario gave me
a taste for tandoori.

ADULT ADAM: And so
Geoff harnessed
his inner Barry.

Gentlemen,
while the internship
is mostly clerical,

I expect you to have
basic knowledge of medicine
at your fingertips.

My fingers are jacked.
Surgeon's hands, yo!

Playing God
with my mitts!

O-kay.

Mr. Goldberg, question...

What are red blood cells
shaped like?

Doughnuts!
They're shaped
like doughnuts.

(CHUCKLES) Cream-filled.
Maple bacon. Glazed.

Cake for breakfast, y'all.

Huh.
What are you doing?

While that is
basically correct,
I have to say

the ensuing outburst
was embarrassing, at best.

You said best.
And that's what I am.

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-best!

I'm just gonna continue
heading this way.

What are you doing,
dude?

Say hello
to Dr. Big Tasty, MD.

That's right,
I've taken your rap name,

just like I'm taking
this internship.

Well, good luck,
fellow qualified candidate.

What's going on?
Why are you being so gracious

and not attacking me
with words and fists?

I had a little chat
with Joanne,

and she suggested
there's no way I'd win

'cause you're too nice,
- so I'm out-
- Geoffing you.

Y-You can't out-me me.
I'm out-youing you.

I don't know where you got
that terrible idea,

but neat-o mosquito.

Is that supposed to be me?
Yeppers.

Oh, no.
You're disarmingly innocent.

Wait! Dr. Solit!

I'm the kinda guy
who says "yeppers."

ADULT ADAM: While Geoff
was losing ground to Barry,

my mom's aerobics class was
taking the school by storm.

Wow.

You look like Alyssa Milano
in Teen Steam.

I only know that
because Barry rented it.

We watched it in dead silence
and went our separate ways.

Ignoring all that.

Your mom is teaching
during lunch since
the other class filled up.

Neat. Now none of my peers
have to miss out

on watching her glisten
like Kathleen Turner

in the erotic thriller
Body Heat.

Barry rented that, too.
I get it. She's your mom.

But to the rest of us,
she's just this fun,
hilarious lady

who, honestly, really knows
how to move her body.

You did it.
It's all okay now.

Come on.
The entire senior class
is having a blast.

I admit, when I stare through
the gym-door window in horror,

everyone does look
kinda sorta happy.

Because we are.

Give it a try. Please?

For me?
Let's get to the gym.

ADULT ADAM: Who was I
to argue with my girlfriend
in a leotard?

So I suited up and gave
School-ercise a shot.

Your thighs, neck,
and tushy want this.

What does that even mean?

Come on.
Just go with it.

I took Brea's advice,
and to my surprise,

grooving with my mom
wasn't that bad.

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm feeling loose.
How 'bout you guys?

Until this.
(FARTS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Yep, in a high school career

filled with
embarrassing moments,

this one topped them all.

And not just for me.

As my day couldn't have
gotten any worse,

Geoff's stunk, as well.

There you are.

Your advice was terrible.

I was rude and obnoxious,
and Barry was a saint.

Hello, my dear
and loving husband.
How are you today?

No pleasantries.
I am reeling here.

And not to mention,
the Indian food
is not sitting well.

The bus trip home was
a white-knuckler.

Okay. We'll figure this out.

What's there to figure?

I'm doomed to be a beloved
but average country doctor

who treats his simple patients
with folksy wisdom.

Your worst-case scenarios
are always so charming.

But this isn't over.
We can still hit Barry back.

How? He's stolen
my delightful persona.

He said that laughter
was the best medicine

and then gave everyone
several doses.

We'll just force
the real Barry
out of him

with the one thing
that he can't resist.

All the buttons
in an elevator?

His incredibly fragile ego.

ADULT ADAM: Erica was right.

If there was one thing
Barry hated the most,

it was someone else
being the best.

Dr. Solit says
he'll join us

as soon as he wraps up
with a patient.
Thanks, Raj.

Say, Raj,

I understand that you're
a world-class fencer?

Not world-class,
but I did do it

for a few years
in high school.

Wow. Well, that would
definitely make you

the best person
with a sword
around here.

Wouldn't you say, Bar?

I don't know
about that.

No, no.
Raj is the best. Clearly.

Even with a katana,
which is the blade
of a ninja.

Samurai.

I'm sorry.
Did you say something?

Because this is
all about Raj

and how he dominates with all
hand-to-hand combat weapons.

That's an exaggeration...

Oh, and so humble despite
your clear top-dog status.

I challenge you, Raj.

Cage match
or elimination chamber?

Those are the same thing,
and, no, Barry.

Raj is clearly
the exceptional bladesman.

Falsehood!
Choose your weapon.

I was just hoping to enjoy
this three-bean stew.

Raj chooses bread.

Take your garde.

Yeah, I refuse
on the grounds that
this is incredibly stupid.

Ouch, Bar. Are you just gonna
let Raj talk to you that way?

Never!

Please don't.
You're getting crumbs
on my jacket.

What is happening
right now?

I'll field this one.

Barry is emotionally
out-of-control

and attacked Raj
with bread.

Raj goaded me into it

by having limited
success in his past.

Okay, I'm ready
to pick my intern.

I-It's Raj.
Come with me.

Huh. Well, that didn't go
the way I thought it would.

What the hell, dude?

You let me
make a fool of myself!

You did
the same thing to me.
I hope you're happy.

Why would I be happy?

I didn't get the thing
I wanted!

Well, I didn't
get it, either.

Then you should
storm off.

You storm off.
I have food here.

I have food here, too.

God!

ADULT ADAM: While Barry
and Geoff were feeling
less than brotherly,

I had some familial issues
of my own.

Uh, hey, so, what's the word
in the hallway, homebody?

Has my, uh, little
aerobic miscue blown over?

Miscue?

Half the senior class
heard your two-cheek squeak.

This thing has legs!

Oh, my God.

I only have
a few weeks left
at this school,

and you just couldn't help
but embarrass me?

You think this is how
I want to be remembered?

It's how you should
be remembered,

as a complete embarrassment
to your children,

family, and community.

Is your mom hiding
in the custodial closet?

Right by the lemon Pledge
and a little chair by a radio.

She must feel terrible.

Yeah, she's acting
like she's more
embarrassed than me.

Well, you're not the one
who canoonerred.

It's my family's
word for it.

Adorable,
but Beverly Goldberg's
public explosions

are nobody's fault but hers.

Maybe you could at least
be sympathetic

to the woman who tries
to give you everything?

Hmm, let me think about it.

No.

Adam, all she wanted
was for you to be healthy.
Just like I do.

You care about me
that much?

Almost as much
as she does.

So you'll make it right?

I'll consider it,
but I need a day.

ADULT ADAM: Or possibly
the rest of my life.

ADULT ADAM: Even though
my mom had committed
the ultimate embarrassment,

the school day
rolled right on.

It's Bike Safety Week,
seniors!

Although most of you
drive cars

and stopped
learning things
weeks ago,

let us not forget
our two-wheeled friends.

Right. "Bicyclist"
is just "friend"

spelled with
many different letters.

Thank you, Principal Ball,

for scheduling
this emergency meeting

so that we can talk about
what happened yesterday.

Crack attack!

Thunder from Down Under.

(COUGHS)
Colon bowlin'.

(LAUGHTER)

Stop! We are not
replacing Bike Week

to have a discussion about
a faculty member's flatulence.

I see.

Well, I guess my time here
really has come to an end.

I'm sorry it ended this way.

ADULT ADAM: Turns out
I didn't want it to
end this way, either.

Wait. Mom...

You made gym,
a class I normally hate,
into something fun.

And not just for me
but for all the students here.

(STUDENTS MURMURING)

Why should one horrible,
life-scarring moment
mean your time is done?

Last week, my glasses
fell into the toilet,

and I couldn't fish them out,

which meant,
a whole day of...

(STUDENTS EXCLAIM)

I mean, who here hasn't done
something embarrassing?

I barfed
on seventh-grade
picture day,

and they made me wear
the only T-shirt
in the lost and found.

So for the rest of the year,
I had a new nickname...

(BLEEP) Last Resort.

I may have once kissed the TV
when Wonder Woman was on.

Also, it was more than once.

I got one. I once paid
my girlfriend's rent
in Florida for an entire year,

even though I knew
she was cohabitating
with our dog groomer.

They went to St. Maarten
for a vacation.

I paid for that, too.

I agree with young Goldberg.
We all make mistakes.

Like Bike Week.

Why was this
a good idea?

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Adam.

So you're not
embarrassed of me?

Always.

But I can't have you being
embarrassed of yourself.

You're Beverly Goldberg.

(ROY ORBISON'S
YOU GOT IT PLAYS)

ADULT ADAM: As my mom
cleared the air,

tensions still lingered
between Barry and Geoff.

What? No. I'm not going
anywhere he is. Good.

'Cause there's a huge world
out there for you to explore,

most of which
doesn't have me in it.

But stay away from Australia
and the Americas.

Guys, stop.

Joanne and I talked about it,
and we're to blame, as well.

It's true.

We should've
just encouraged you
to be yourselves.

You're brothers. You'd do
anything for each other.

Even giving up something
that you want more
than anything in the world.

I really did
want you to get it.

Me too.

♪ Anything you need,
you got it...

Bro.

Bro.

♪ Anything at all...

ADULT ADAM: That's the thing
about family.

Sometimes there can be disagreements,

even embarrassments,

but eventually,

if you find yourselves in step
with the people you love,

there's no telling
the great places you might go.

♪ Baby, you got it ♪

ADAM: I've added
some sound effects
to old home movies.

(FARTS)
Stop videotaping!

Adam, what the hell?
I'm gonna crimp your face!

(FARTS)

I quit!
(FARTING RAPIDLY)

We're called the Dropouts because...

We dropped out of college.
(FARTS)

(FARTING)

(ALL FARTING)

Ha! Classic bathroom humor
never disappoints, am I right?

When it's classy.