Original subtitles

Lucy?

Is that you, sweetie pie?

Oh, gee, I'm glad you're home.

How's about a great big...?

Well, see you later.

Lucy...

come here.

What's the matter?

I stopped by the bank on the way home

and they show me this.

What's that?

Your check to the beauty parlor.

I write a check to the beauty parlor every month.

Yes, I know that,

but they don't always have

a little note in the back like this one:

"Dear teller, be a lamb

and don't put this through till next month."

Now what do you got to say for yourself?

That's why they call them tellers--

They go around blabbing everything they know.

Lucy.

Now, look. I'm serious.

I don't know what's the matter with you.

Every month, every single month

your bank account is overdrawn.

Now, what is the reason?

You don't give me enough money?

I don't give you enough money?!

Well, we both agree.

That must be the reason.

Now look, Lucy.

Yes, sir?

Do you think this is a game we're playing?

No, sir.

Do you realize how tough it is

for a guy to make a buck these days?

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Do you think that the money grows on trees?

No.

Well, we'll see you later.

- Yeah. - Come on, Fred.

[Lucy] No, no, come on. Come in and sit down.

No, thanks. I went to the fights last night.

Fred, please come in, will you?

Come in, Ethel.

Yeah, please, please come in.

I-I... Fred, I want to ask your advice on a certain subject.

What subject?

Well, tell me something, will you?

How often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?

Never.

[Ricky] Never?! How do you manage that?

It's easy.

I never had enough money at one time

to open a checking account.

What?!

She spends money

like I was printing it in the basement.

Printing in the basement... hah!

Let's face it, Rick, when it comes to money,

there are two kinds of people:

The earners and the spenders,

or as they are more popularly known,

husbands and wives.

[Ricky] Yeah.

Brother, if they had to make the dollar

- they would think twice before spending it that fast. -Yeah.

What's so tough about earning a living?

Yeah.

Have you ever done it?

No, but I could.

Ha!

[Ethel] I could, too.

Ha!

Listen, holding down a job is a lot more difficult

than lying around the house all day long.

- Lying around the...? - Lying around the...?

Is that all you think we do?

Yeah.

Well, now, let's be fair, Rick.

Every once in a while, they get up and play canasta.

Who do you think does the housework?

And who do you think

- cooks all the meals? - Yeah.

Oh, anybody can cook and do the housework.

Ha! I'd just like to see you two try it for a week.

Okay, we will.

We will?

Yeah.

This I got to see.

I want to get a load...

Yeah, but wait a minute.

You will have to go out and earn the living.

Okay, we will.

We will?

Yeah. We'll change places.

We'll get jobs, and you take care of the house

for a week. Okay?

- Okay. - Okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Lucy, breakfast is ready.

Coming, dear.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Well, doesn't this look wonderful.

Did you have any trouble?

No, not a bit.

Well, happy housework.

Happy job hunting.

Thank you.

Oh, boy, does this look good.

Mmm.

I'm hungry this morning, too.

Mmm. It is good.

Why, naturally.

There's nothing to cooking.

Mmm. Oh, the coffee's good, too.

Where did you learn to do all this?

Oh, I'm...

just a natural-born cook, I guess.

Honey, what kind of a job are you going to...?

What kind of a job are you going to get?

Are you going to go to an employment office?

Lucy, why don't you answer me?

That's nice, dear.

Okay, I get your message.

Now you know what I go through every morning.

All right, I'll reform.

Oh. Gee, these fried potatoes

are just great.

I don't see why you're so surprised.

There's nothing to it.

Well... I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes?

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Well, thank you very much.

Yes. Good-bye.

Who was that?

Gee, this is a sensational breakfast.

My gosh, but you're a good cook.

Who was that on the phone?

It was the drugstore.

You left your hat down there

when you picked up these two breakfast orders.

You know, you could have tried to cook this yourself.

We have a dozen eggs in the refrigerator.

Well, um...

they didn't turn out quite right.

The whole dozen?!

Yeah.

Oh.

Morning, everybody.

- Hi, Ethel. - Good morning.

Well, Lucy, are you ready to go to the office?

To the employment office, that is.

Yeah. All ready.

Okay, dear. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye, Ricky.

Bye.

See you for dinner.

[Fred] Ethel!

Ethel, you're leaving.

Yeah? What about it?

Well, you forgot to kiss me good-bye.

- Lucy, I'm nervous. - So am I.

Do you think this man can really get jobs for us?

Sure, he can.

But we don't know how to do anything.

Shh!

Here's the address.

Report for work first thing in the morning.

Who's next?

- We are! - We are!

Uh, we're together.

I see.

Well, what job did you have in mind?

Uh, what kind of jobs do you have open?

Well, what do you do?

What kind of jobs do you have open?

Well, what do you do?

What kind of jobs do you have open?

You go first this time.

All right. What do you do?

What kind of jobs...?

No! Cut that out!

Please tell me, what do you do?

Are you stenographers?

Oh, yes, that's it, we're stenographers.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I have a lot of stenographic jobs available.

Oh, good.

How fast can you type?

Oh, about this fast.

Oh, I see.

And how about your typing?

Uh, mine's not as good as hers.

No.

Look, ladies, let's be honest with one another.

I can't find you a job

until you can tell me what you can really do.

Now, what do you do?

What kind of jobs do you have open?

All right, let's try it another way.

I have a list.

I will read off the jobs that I have available,

and you tell me if you've had any experience in that line.

Oh, fine.

Bookkeeper?

Cantometer operator?

Dental technician?

Insurance adjuster?

PBX operator?

Well, I've only got one left-- candymakers.

Oh, that's it. That's our specialty.

You're candymakers?

Oh, yes, we-we've made a lot of candy.

Oh, good.

You can begin work today at Kramer's Kandy Kitchen.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, hiya, Fred.

Hi, Rick.

Well, don't you look cute.

What are you doing

with that scarf on top of your head?

Oh! Oh, you mean this.

I was cleaning the apartment

and I didn't want to get any dust in my hair.

Hey, take a tip from me,

from an old housewife like me, will ya,

and don't let that iron get too hot.

You might scorch something.

- Really? - Yeah.

You mean, uh...

like this?

That's the, uh...

That's the general idea, yes.

Well, I thought I'd tell Lucy

that this was, uh... an original new design.

That story won't work.

No, eh? Why not?

Ethel has three blouses with that same design.

Listen, you know what's really tough?

Silk stockings.

Yeah, how about that?

They're really tough to iron.

You're not supposed to iron silk stockings.

- No? - No.

Fred, anybody knows that.

Look, just make sure

that you use plenty of starch when you wash them.

Oh.

I see.

I'll show you.

I got a couple of them over here.

I'll show you. Here.

See?

Oh, beautiful.

Now, you seen better creases than that anyplace?

My boy, you're a regular Ricky Margaret McBride.

Why, sure, man, sure.

Oh, you know something?

I been thinking about that dinner, you know?

Yeah?

Yeah, I think it's...

I think it's silly for both of us to cook...

each one of us to cook a whole meal, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

So I thought what we should do is

pool our talents, and I'll cook the main course

and you cook the dessert.

Okay.

Now let's see.

How about arroz con pollo?

Well, which is that--

The main course or the dessert?

Chicken and rice.

Oh-ho!

I seen my mother do it a hundred times.

I love it.

Well, listen, I tell you what.

Can you bake a cake for dessert?

Well, will I--

A big juicy one, seven layers thick.

Yeah? With frosting?

Globs of frosting.

Boy, this is going to be the best meal

our wives ever had.

All right, girls, this is the first stop.

Now you understand from your indoctrination session

you're here for one purpose-- to work.

Yes, ma'am.

Ricardo, I'm going to put you to work chocolate dipping.

You say you've had experience.

Oh, yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

I'm a dipper from way back.

Yes?

They used to call me the big dipper.

Ew.

There's no room in this plant for levity, however weak.

Yes, ma'am.

All right, Ricardo, that's your place.

Mertz, I'm going to put you to work

down in the chocolate boxing department.

Follow me.

Hey, this is fun.

What do you do when your nose itches?

Is that so?

There's a fly in here.

Hiya, Fred!

Hi, Rick.

How do you like my new invention?

What is it?

Well, I can sweep the rug

and read the sport pages at the same time.

Pretty clever.

Why sure. You know, the only reason that women claim

that housework is so hard

is because they don't use their heads.

I guess so.

What you got there?

Oh, I brought my cake.

Oh.

Seven layers of luscious devil's food.

Wait till you see it.

What happened to the other six layers?

Well, they're all in there.

Some of them just didn't rise very much.

Well, you can put on a lot of frosting.

What do you mean, "put on"?

The frosting's already in it.

In it?

Yeah. I mixed it all up together before I baked the cake.

Well, maybe you'd better wait until breakfast

and serve it as a pancake.

Oh, never mind, now.

How about your part of the meal?

Well, it's coming along fine.

Good.

Yeah. I got the rice cooking.

Hey, listen, by the way,

what do you know about rice?

Well, I had it thrown at me

on one of the darkest days of my life.

No, never mind that.

I mean how much do you think we should use

for four people?

Well, I don't know. People like that stuff.

Well, how does one pound per person sound?

That sounds about right.

That's good, because that's what I put in--

Four pounds.

Good. That's good.

Well, let me see.

I got the, uh... I got chickens cooking

- in the pressure cooker. - Yeah.

Now, how long do you think they should take?

Oh, I don't know.

I'd say about an hour and a half.

What was that?! What was that?!

Hey, Rick, what was that noise?

Why, who took the... oh!

Don't burn yourself.

Hey, what happened to my chickens?!

I had two chickens in there!

Well, they got to be here someplace.

Chick, chick. Chick, chick, chick.

- Chick, chick, chick. - Hey.

What happened?

Are those your birds up there?

Yeah.

Now what are we going to do?

Well, let's wash them off. Come on.

All right.

Turn the water on.

Here's the brush.

Give me some of this stuff, here.

Give me some more of that stuff over here.

Attaboy.

This one's really strong.

Hey, Ricky, what's this?!

Oh, no!

Catch the rice!

Hurry up, Fred!

Hurry up, will you?!

Hurry up, Fred!

It's still coming!

Hurry up, Fred!

Get it! Get it!

Get it!

It's like a volcano!

Get going!

I'm going!

Fred, here!

All right, girls.

Listen carefully.

This is the wrapping department.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, the candy will pass by on this conveyor belt

and continue into the next room

where the girls will pack it.

Now, your job is to take each piece of candy

and wrap it in one of these papers,

and then put it back on the belt.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

Let her roll!

Let her roll!

Well!

Wait here.

Somebody's asleep at the switch.

Whew!

What are you doing up here?

I thought you were downstairs boxing chocolates.

- Oh, they kicked me out of there fast. -Why?

I kept pinching them to see what kind they were.

This is the fourth department I've been in.

Oh? I didn't do so well either.

All right, girls.

Now, this is your last chance.

If one piece of candy gets past you

and into the packing room unwrapped, you're fired.

Yes, ma'am.

Let her roll!

Well, this is easier.

Yeah. We can handle this okay.

Listen...

Ethel, I think this...

I think we're fighting a losing game.

Here she comes.

Fine. You're doing splendidly.

Speed it up a little!

Ricky?

Fred?

Ricky?

I wonder where they are.

Lucy, have you got any bicarbonate of soda?

Yeah. I got some in the kitchen.

I'll get it.

Oh, here's a note.

"Dear girls, please do not go in the kitchen

"until we can explain.

We'll be back in a few minutes."

Gee, I wonder what's in there.

I hate to think.

You stay here.

I'm stronger than you are.

Oh, Ethel!

What is it?

Ethel, it's a shambles!

Food all over the place--

On the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling--

It's a mess.

All over-- food.

I don't want to clean it up.

Oh, no, I can't.

Lucy, oh!

Oh, Lucy, thank goodness you're home.

Something awful happened.

No.

Yeah, don't go in the kitchen until Fred and I...

I've already been in there.

Oh... oh, well. Don't worry about it.

- We'll clean it up. - Thank you.

Listen, we don't know how you girls feel about it,

but we'd like to forget the whole thing.

We're lousy housewives.

Hideous.

Well, we're not so good

at bringing home the bacon either.

- We got fired off our first job. -Yeah.

Well, look, uh... what say we go back to the way we were?

We'll make the money, and you spend it.

Oh, that's great with me.

Good idea, Fred.

A-And listen, girls,

we never realized how tough it was to run a house before.

Aw...

So just to show you our appreciation

we brought you a little present.

- Really? - You did?

For each one of you

a five-pound box of chocolates.

The part of Mr. Snodgrass

was played by Alvin Hurwitz,

forewoman by Elvia Allman,

and the chocolate dipper by Amanda Milligan.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.